Warmongering

by BronyWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3812

A Diamond Dog king declares war on Equestria

A Diamond Dog king, feeling bold after gathering an army of 100,000 dogs, decides the best way to flex his new muscles would be to invade Equestria for past perceived slights. As such, he sends a letter to Princess Celestia with a declaration of war.

It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Published 2014-09-16 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-17 17:44:04 UTC

I Attack You!

To Princess Celestia,

This is a formal declaration of war from King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom on the thirtieth of September, 1195. We cannot take the abuses that your nation shoves upon us any further, and as such, we are shall henceforth be at war until you surrender Canterlot and yourself to our terms. Should you resist, my army of 100,000 dogs will lay waste to your nation, and the precious utopia you have built will be reduced to cinders. You have one week to respond to this declaration, at which point we shall send our terms of surrender. Please do not force us to shed innocent blood, but we shall do so if necessary.

King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.

My Dearest King Hanat,

It is so nice to hear from you again! I regret that we have not kept up our previous correspondence. Is that the reason for your anger towards me? If so I formally apologize. It is most unfortunate that the first letter sent between us in these many months was a formal declaration of war. I will, of course, do everything that I can to prevent the shedding of innocent blood. If I had to guess, your terms involve us returning the lands you surrendered to us during our last war; the one triggered by your invading Manehattan after you perceived us weakened after our civil war? I hope not, because your king at the time said that no descendant of his, of which you are one, would try to take that back. It would be unfortunate of you to retroactively make a liar out of him. Or maybe you wish to take Manehattan itself to finish what he started? Well, that would be an unfortunate turn of events as well. I have no doubt that your 100,000 dog army could do it.

But enough about the silly war. How are you? I can say that we are doing well. We have made many advances since we spoke last, especially in the area of science. Did you hear about how one of our chemists created this powder that he used to fill metal jars, which he then put a fuse in? Upon lighting the fuse, the pony holding it throws the jar and the jar explodes once the fuse hits the powder, creating a massive explosion and sending pieces of the jar flying everywhere! I'd share the recipe with you in the interest of scientific brotherhood and the advancement of knowledge on all sides, but the Element of Laughter assures me that some recipes are best kept secret.

Hoping you have a wonderful day,

Celestia.

Celestia,

Do you think that you can threaten me with this new weapon of yours?! We do not fear whatever you throw at us! Our weapons are the most advanced in the world, and our shields will block these explosive devices. I doubt that you can mass-produce them in time to make them a viable asset. I see this as the highest insult!

However, you have acknowledged our declaration, so I suppose that I should get around to stating our demands. Yes, we do want the Western March back. I do not dishonor my ancestor by making him a liar, but he did not foresee changing times. We need that territory back. If you give it back, we have no reason to move into Manehattan. Second, we wish for a tribute of one hundred carts, all filled to the brim with precious gemstones, and another hundred filled with bits. Third, I wish for you to sign a treaty to join me in battle when I take the other two Diamond Dog kingdoms to unify my people. Fourth, you will acknowledge my sovereignty in the east! Fifth, we wish for unrestricted and untaxed access to all of your warm water ports.

If these demands are not met, I can always add on more, and we will certainly go to war. If we do go to war, I will see you in chains bowing before me.

King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.

My Dearest King Hanat.

A threat? Oh my goodness, I did not intend to pass that new invention off as a threat. No, no, we're using it for mining.Very different. I'm so sorry you interpreted it that way. Though about the expense and production speed of the new mining tools, I will say that the ingredients to make them are very cheap, so we could have tens of thousands ready within days if we found a new mine we wanted to go after.

But I suppose you don't want small talk. Your demands. Let's see. I'm afraid I must think on them for a little while longer. Unfortunately, your declaration of war could not have come at a worse time. We're going through a bit of a drought right now, and our food production has dropped drastically. In fact, I need to talk to you about that. With our food production as low as it is, I'm afraid that we won't be able to export the massive amounts of wheat, rye, and corn that we normally do to your nation. We need them for ourselves. While I understand this might be a bit of a burden for your subjects, particularly in this time of war, there is nothing to be done for it. I am terribly sorry about this, because I know that you cannot really grow these crops in your harsh environment. You'll think of something, though. I'm sure that the First Kingdom, whom can grow good crops, I hear, will be willing to export food to you. Or they might have been. Unfortunately, and this is a total mistake on my part that I stay up at night weeping over, a delegate from the First Kingdom was in a meeting with me, and I accidentally put your last letter in a stack of diplomatic papers I gave him. As a result, he saw all of your demands. Particularly the one about me helping you go to war with them. Not possessing perfect foresight I cannot say for certain, but expect a message from them asking about the contents of the last letter.

Hoping everything turns out well with the First Kingdom,

Celestia.

Celestia,

You cannot play dumb with me! You deliberately gave that letter to the delegate! You do not make mistakes of that nature! You're only making this worse for yourself with this insolence! And do you really think that I did not foresee your cutting off our supplies? I began trading with the griffins for an equal amount, so do not worry about me feeding my subjects. You trade embargo will have no effect on us.

Your insolence will not stand, Celestia. This war is coming, and it is coming very soon! I know that you are a peaceful nation, so you do not possess an army nearly as powerful as mine. Your royal guard fell quite quickly to Chrysalis and her changeling invasion force. You have strengthened it some since then, but not nearly enough to repel an force of my size.

Do not toy with me, Celestia,

King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.

My dearest King Hanat,

You cannot imagine how happy I am to hear that your subjects will be fed, despite my nation not being able to export to yours. Though, I hope the plan is a permanent one. I'd hate it if the griffins found a nation who could reimburse them more if they switched. A nation like ours, for example.

Strictly an example, mind you.

But I admit that you are right about the army sizes. You have me on the ropes right now. With our nation's current food shortage, we haven't been getting enough to eat, much less feed an entire army. I myself am not eating as much as I normally do, which makes me a little weaker. Why, just yesterday I faltered for a slight moment when raising the sun. Such a thing has never occurred before! It slipped out of my grasp for just a moment and paused in the sky a few meters closer to the planet before I was able to move it again. I am completely embarrassed. I'd hate it if I did it again and found myself unable to get the sun back under my control.

On another note, I heard that you had a momentary heat wave yesterday in your capital. For a single minute, temperatures rose to as high as 120 degrees! I do hope such a thing won't happen again. Your starving subjects might start getting very upset, and if you've lived as long as I have, you learn that having starving, unhappy subjects tends to lead to social unrest, and social unrest leads to... well, I am certain you can fill in the rest.

Hoping that your potentially sunburnt and starving subjects don't revolt,

Celestia.

Celestia,

I have had just about enough of your threats! The Third Kingdom will invade very soon if you do not meet our demands. I have been patient with you long enough. You wouldn't dare drop the sun on our nation and incinerate millions of civilians! We will burn your fields, and then this famine of yours will be even more severe! My army will roll through yours in short order! There is nothing you can do to stop it other than meeting my demands!

Also, I have not heard from the First Kingdom yet, so I have my doubts that you even gave them the letter, showing me that you are aware that we would invade instantly if you made such a mistake. Give us what we want by the end of the week or you will regret it!

King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.

My dearest King Hanat,

Threats? Oh, I apologize if anything I wrote came across as a threat. I have not intended to threaten you yet! Merely provide information on the well being of my country, give advice about yours, and talk a little international politics that affects both of us. But threats? Oh goodness, never. And feel free to ignore any advice this little old mare gives you. Sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about, especially with how stressed I am about the impending war with you these days.

I actually had some interesting conversations with my good friend Discord yesterday. I asked him how things were going in Ponyville, where he spends much of his time with the Element of Kindness. They have become so close, and he's very protective of her. He'd do anything to preserve her from harm. He'd produce food, turn timberwolves into firewood, or fight off invasion forces for her. Isn't it sweet? And to think he used to fancy himself a villain, but I know that all beings can be good.

I do not know if you have met Discord, but he is quite the prankster, even since his reformation. He provoked one of my more irritable guards the other day, and the guard actually stabbed him right through with his spear! It didn't do anything, of course, and Discord turned the guard's spear, and armor, into applesauce. I must admit, it was quite tasty applesauce, too. Don't tell Luna that I ate any as these are hard times, but I couldn't help indulging. Honestly, though, turning weapons and armor into applesauce, being stabbed right through, and surviving with nary a scratch? What will he do to surprise me next? I thought I had seen everything. It just goes to show you that even this old mare can learn things.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised in the end, however. He can move the sun and the moon without any effort, and he did manage to turn the entire world into his chaos kingdom within about an hour the first time he took over. I'm glad he's reformed now, though! He does so love Fluttershy, and would do anything to protect her. If anything actually happened to her... I shudder to think.

Hoping that Discord doesn't get overly paranoid in keeping Fluttershy safe,

Celestia.

Celestia,

This has gone on long enough. You will meet our demands tomorrow! I don't care for your tomfoolery. My patience is at an end.

King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.

My dearest King Hanat,

I'm so sorry that I did not respond yesterday, but I was in a meeting all day with five 50 ton bull dragons who came to offer their aid to Equestria however they could. I think this might be the breakthrough that we have been waiting for. The dragons have always been friendly to Equestria, and so to hear that they are on our side through this terrible time is comforting to me and my subjects.

I do wish you had been there, actually. I think you would have been most entertained. Rather than us putting on a little show for the amusement of our guests, they put one on for us. The largest of the bull dragons brought a half ton of steel, and with a single burst of flame, he melted it into almost nothing! I considered myself impressed, even with all of the things I have seen in my life.

Unfortunately the looming war with you did come up. I did not intend that, but once again, I mistakenly left one of your letters out when meeting with them, I walked right out with it in my magical aura, maybe I'm getting forgetful in my age, and they noticed it and asked what it was. I, of course, had to tell them, and they extended their promise of help to any hostilities we may have. I do hope it does not come to that.

On a separate note, I heard through the grape vine that you are having some trouble with the First Kingdom. The Second Kingdom might be a little miffed at you as well, if rumor is to be believed. Which it often is not. I hope it is nothing serious.

Hoping that you are not in too much trouble with the other two (larger) kingdoms,

Celestia.

My dearest King Hanat,

I have not heard from you in several weeks. Is all well with you? I am glad that things were resolved relatively peacefully with the First and Second Kingdoms, but I'm sure you must be disappointed with the loss of almost a fifth of your country. I know I would be upset if someone else came to me and demanded my territory because he thought he was stronger.

So, does this mean that the war is off, then? I hope so. It means that this whole matter ended without bloodshed. Do you not want the tributes either? I have been taking your silence to mean that you do not.

My country has been doing a lot better, thank you for theoretically asking. It turns out we were never really in a famine anyway. It was merely some accounting errors. We are stronger than ever. I hope that we can begin negotiations for us exporting to your country again. It would do my heart good to hear that your food lines are vanishing and your subjects are eating well again. Should you desire to talk, you know where I am.

If you ever threaten my country again, I will personally snap you in half,

Celestia.

A Friendly Discussion

A rough draft chapter. It's just intended to address some of the concerns of the original one. I banged it out in about an hour.

Celestia inhaled the warm fumes of her tea, a slight smile crossing her lips as the heavenly scent washed over her. She raised the cup to her lips and took a delicate sip, nodding in approval at the skill of her tea maker. A perfect job, as always. She set the china cup down on the small table before her and looked up at her guest, her smile not leaving her lips for a moment.

"It is quite good, King Turgis. Are you sure you would not like me to pour you a cup?"

Kind Turgis, a minotaur king almost as tall as Celestia, draped in wolf furs, raised a hand and shook his head. "No thank you, Celestia. I'm fine."

"Suit yourself." Celestia took another sip before continuing. "Now, then, tell me how you're doing. I heard you're moving some troops near my border? I must say that I was surprised to hear that, but given that one of my subjects assassinated a duke of yours, I can't really fault you for being a little angry with us."

Turgis sighed and drummed his fingers on the armrest of his chair. "No, and I am glad that you see my side of things, Celestia. My people are quite outraged at the death of my nephew. He was a very well-respected leader."

"By me as well."

"Indeed? Because there are rumors that you are the one who ordered the attack."

Celestia frowned and put her teacup back down. "Me? Oh King Turgis, I am shocked! I do not assassinate others. My tactics are not so underhooved as that."

"Nevertheless, you know that our countries have not always had the happiest of pasts. My council wants war for this, and I'm inclined to favor that."

"I supposed you might." Celestia grimaced and refilled her teacup. "And that would be too bad."

"We are in agreement there. Your country cannot compete with mine militarily, and mine cannot compete with yours magically. The question is, who has the upper hand or hoof in other areas? My military is has grown stronger in the past few years."

"And I am impressed for it," Celestia said with a smile. "Though, have you heard that this year's graduating class from my school for gifted unicorns is probably my most talented yet overall? I am so glad that I implemented that combat magic club. It's so popular amongst the students."

"I have heard of it, yes, and I believe I saw a friendly sparring match during my last visit." Turgis glanced down at a plate of crumpets that had been put out for us, before thinking better of it and shaking his head. "Should we go to war, I look forward to seeing how well they do when they are being throttled by my troops and their horns have been smashed off."

"Without their horns they would be in a tight spot," Celestia admitted with some unease.

"And they'd find themselves in that spot when facing an army of my size and strength. Our ranged troops could take out your pegasus air force, and I am eager to face your earth pony shock troops on the battlefield." Turgis shrugged. "Of course, if our ranged weapons do not work, our alliance with the griffins might. I'm sure they'd love to get involved in a war against you that they'd think they'd win."

"And I am certain of it too." Celestia took a dainty bite of a cucumber sandwich as she formulated her next answer. "I suppose then my next tactic would be calling in the Saddle Arabians to aid me. A god superpower makes allies, King Turgis, which, incidentally, is why many see you as a superpower."

"Indeed, Celestia. However, as the griffins and Saddle Arabians are innocent, I'd like to keep them out of this if possible." Turgis shrugged. "But if you brought them in, we'd bring in some dragon allies."

"And we'd respond in kind," Celestia said with a small sigh. She shook her head and waved her hoof. "But war is not won by brute strength alone. Could you feed that army you're sending?"

Turgis smirked slightly and nodded. "In the last few years we have developed several major cash crops that can be grown quickly enough to feed a fighting force, yes. With a quick attack of one of your cities we could hold it effectively for some time." Turgis leaned back in his seat and sighed. "I'll be honest, Celestia. I don't need to beat you militarily to win. I know I can't, given your powers. I just need to hold out long enough for you to give up." Turgis' smirk returned. "You know, like the Diamond Dogs did when you went to war with them a hundred years ago?"

"A fiasco that I vowed to learn from," Celestia muttered. "And I like to think that I have."

"And you are not the only one. Your ponies died by the thousands, and as a good leader who cares for her subjects, you couldn't stand it. You ended the war. It hurt to lose like that, didn't it? It gave the rest of us a blueprint."

"As I said, I have learned from that as well. So you would take Vanhoover? Well, I could easily send a flying force over the clouds to bomb one of your cities, particularly if it was a military target."

"Something that would trigger retribution."

"And so on and so forth..."

Celestia shrugged. "So what about economically? Say you win this war. Wars are extremely expensive, revenge wars doubly so. You and I both know that you could never get in a position to sack Canterlot, and it is an equally ridiculous notion that I would ever march to Schunie to raze the place. On top of the innocents I would kill, my forces would be so decimated that it wouldn't be worth it."

"Economically..." Turgis shrugged. "Well, yes, wars are expensive. But again: we count it as a victory if the expense is greater for you. That is the nature of war, is it not?"

"Yes, yes it is." Celestia's gaze flickered from her tea to her guest. "And you are certain that that is how it would play out?"

"Reasonably, yes. If I wasn't, I would not be here."

"Can you tell me with one hundred percent certainty?" Turgis fell silent, triggering another sigh from Celestia. "So I think all of our cards are on the table here. So what I am hearing from this is that if we engaged in a war, the casualties on both sides, both civilian and military, would be massive. Potentially in the tens of thousands. Our economies would be devastated, and it would really be one big, bloody staring contest that might draw other nations into it. Am I hearing that right? The first one to blink comes out only slightly better?"

Turgis tightened his jaw and slowly tilted his head. "I... suppose if you wish to put it like that. Yes, that would be the case."

"So you don't wish to resolve this a little more peacefully?"

Turgis clicked his tongue, but slowly nodded. "It might be best."