When you're a kid, it seems like you can't wait to be grown up, so you can drive and get a job and do all those grown up things. Well, in the unlikely event that I ever have kids, I'd tell them not to get too excited. Why? Because being grown up is fucking shit.
I'm Will, and I've just finished my first year at Bristol University. It's a good uni, I suppose, but it's not my dream. That was Oxford, but since they effectively told me to piss off, for no other reason than the fact that I did my A-Levels at a public school, I got stuck with second best.
Being at university feels like a world away from doing your A-Levels at a state comprehensive. For starters, I'm completely on my own, as, knowing me, I am completely unable to make any new friends. The only person I ever start regular conversation with is my tutor.
So, to celebrate the end of the year, I was going back down to London to spend a few nights out with my Rudge Park Comp friends. Simon Cooper, who stayed in London for his uni course, and Jay Cartwright, who, last time I checked, was caught up trying to start some sort of business with my other friend, Neil Sutherland, but were too distracted by their, how should I put it, "sexual desires" with their girlfriends, whom we all met in Greece last year.
Anyway, I was on my way out of my final class when I was stopped by my tutor, Mr Roberts, who, as I mentioned, was the only person I regularly talked to on campus, even if he was a bit weird.
"So," he said, after the rest of the class had gone, "Got any plans for the summer, Will?"
"Just catching up with some old friends, I suppose."
He nodded. "And what about that girl of yours, Alison, was it?"
I smiled. "She's OK. Haven't spoken with her in a few weeks, but I expect I'll catch up with her too sometime."
He nodded again. "A word of advice, Mr McKenzie." He leant in closer. "If you're going to have sex with her, try not to get her pregnant. Girls don't react to well to that sort of thing."
I stared at him, unsure of what to say.
"Well, enjoy your break, Will." I said goodbye and walked, rather swiftly, out the door, eager to leave the rush of university.
***
Meanwhile, Jay and Neil had postponed their business ideas so they could earn some money for themselves. And by that, I mean they were working behind the counter at their local McDonald's.
"Anyone seen Neil?" Jay asked no one in particular as he chopped tomatoes.
"He's workin' on front counter," an acne-ridden teenager piped up.
"Alright, and do you want fries with that?" the lanky teen asked, popping open the cash register.
"For the last time, no, I'm only having a cup of tea," the elderly customer told him.
"Alright, cool." Neil took the man's money, gave him his change, and stepped away from the counter. "Someone get this bloke a cuppa."
"Where are you going?" another young employee asked.
"Me and Jay get off now." He slapped his friend on the back. "Come on, Jay, let's get out of here."
"So what are we doing this weekend?" Jay asked him as they stepped outside into the chilly evening air.
"We're spending a weekend in London with Simon and Will, ain't we?"
Jay nodded, remembering their plans.
"Yeah, I might bring Lisa along," Neil continued.
"Fuck off mate, you can't do that!"
"Why not?"
Jay turned to him, "'Cause it's a lad's weekend, ain't it? We're gonna spend it partying and getting shitfaced!"
Neil grinned."Oh yeah! Brilliant."
Jay smiled. "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental."
They reached Neil's car, a shitty little Vauxhall that had only recently been graced with the presence of an engine. "Oi Jay." Neil gestured to the restaurant behind them. "How'd we end up working at this dump anyway?"
Jay rolled his eyes. "'Cause I needed a bloody job and you got your arse sacked from Asda, remember?"
Neil thought for a sec. "Oh yeah."
"Why'd they fire you from that place anyway?"
"Something to do with prawns, or some shit."
They got in. "Don't s'pose it matters," Jay said, "The only thing that matters right now is that we're about to have the best fucking weekend of our lives!"
***
So while Neil and Jay had just finished serving the hungry citizens of suburbia, Simon was sitting outside the University of West London, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his girlfriend, Lucy.
"Hey," she called out to him as she stepped off the bus. He greeted her back, as she kissed him on the cheek. "How was your last day at uni, Si?"
He grimaced. "It was shit. Had three two-hour lectures." She giggled. "How was your day?" he asked as they started to walk.
She stopped. "Simon, I have some bad news."
His face dropped. "Oh no, not bad news..."
"I have to go away for a few months, to Australia, on a work placement."
Simon's face lit up slightly. "Oh, well that's not too bad."
"I won't be able to keep in touch."
His face fell again. "Why not?"
"I'm joining the flying doctors, in the outback." He looked up at her. "But I'll think of you when I'm out there." He smiled, before she kissed him.
They spent that evening together, however Simon never did tell me what exactly they got up to.
So we were all ready for our very own 'reunion' of sorts. It was just a lad's weekend out. What could possibly go wrong?
***
The weekend rolled around quickly, and I soon found myself stepping out of a dirty train at King's Cross, ready for a night on the town. I strode outside into the warmth of the mid-afternoon sun, noticing my friends chatting on a bench nearby.
"Alright, briefcase?" Jay asked asked as I approached them.
"Hey guys," I said to them, "Ready for an excellent night out?"
"Oh fuck yes." Neil clapped his hands together, seemingly prepared for whatever we got up to later in the evening.
So we all caught up with each other as we checked into the half-decent hotel we were staying in for the next few nights. It was only a little Holiday Inn, but it served it's purpose. The evening was quickly upon us, however, and we soon found ourselves in a packed nightclub populated by tough guys and fit girls.
"Anyone want a drink?" Jay asked us as we walked up to the bar.
"Sure, I'll have a beer," Simon said, taking a look around the room.
"Pay for it yourself then." Jay laughed and shook his head. "Nah, I'm just fucking with you mate."
The bartender took our orders. I had a vodka and coke, Neil a shot of tequila, and Simon got his beer. Jay, however, was being a bit more adventurous.
"Gimme a shot of the hardest stuff you got," he said. The bartender pulled out a dusty bottle and poured Jay a shot. He downed it quickly and grimaced, the alcohol burning his throat.
"Alright, that'll be fifteen quid," the bartender said flatly.
"You what?"
The bartender held up the bottle. "Nineteenth century scotch," he explained, "The hardest stuff we got."
Jay groaned. "Shit." He reluctantly handed over the money before asking for a few more shots of something less expensive.
The night partied on, and, slowly but surely, Jay got more and more pissed. By about eleven o' clock, he was royally shitfaced, and had his eye on two attractive girls on the other side of the club.
They were both pretty fit, I suppose. Both of them had purple hair, one was wearing a white coat while the other donned a lavender sweater. The one in the coat seemed more in her element, soaking up the nightclub's atmosphere, while the other looked out of place, chatting to her friend while sipping her drink.
After about ten minutes of staring, Jay, pissed beyond belief, decided to make a move. "Oi guys," he said, "I'm gonna go fuck those two birds over there." He pointed towards them.
"Probably not a good idea when you're drunk," I told him.
"What about Jane?" Simon asked.
"Aw, fuck her! We're on tour, and everyone knows what goes on tour stays on tour."
"Except we're not on tour, we're on a night out in London," I pointed out.
"Bugger off Will," he complained drunkenly, "I don't need to listen to you." He staggered towards the two girls, muttering, "Those little ponies need feeding."
I don't exactly know what Jay said to them, but, judging by the disgusted reaction of the white-coated one, it probably wasn't anything romantic.
"What's Jay up to?" Neil asked, walking over from the dance floor.
"He's trying to pull those girls over there," I explained, seeing the one with the sweater edge away from Jay slowly, "With little success."
"Well he can't be doing too bad," Neil observed, "He's leaving with 'em."
"No Neil, the girls are storming off. Jay's just too drunk to take the hint."
"Shit," Simon moaned, "We better follow him, make sure he doesn't land himself in trouble."
Reluctantly, we left the bar and followed our friend outside.
"Not even a blowie?" We heard Jay say as we stepped outside. We looked in his direction to promptly see him get slapped across the face by the one in the coat, before both of the girls stormed away into the alley behind the club.
"Well, it looks like you've hit a new low, Jay," I told him.
"Fuck off Will," he slurred, before throwing up all over the pavement.
"Had a bit too much to drink, have we?" Jay just groaned.
"Hey guys," Simon piped up, "Do you notice something strange about that alley the girls went down?"
Turning my attention, I notice that there was a strange light emanating from the dark alley. Going to investigate, we all found the source of the light.
There was a hole in the brick wall. A strange hole, as if it was a hole in the fabric of time and space itself (yes, I know I watch too much Doctor Who). Intrigued, we crept towards it, trying to get a closer look. Too late did we realise, however, that the hole, or portal, or whatever it was, was actually pulling us towards itself. In a futile and rather drunken attempt to prevent the inevitable, Jay threw himself to the ground, yelling in pain due to a broken glass.
As we were pulled into the portal, I saw the colour drain from the world, and the warmth drain from the air around me. Soon enough, everything around us was nothing but white, like Purgatory. The relative warmth of unconsciousness that soon took us was embraced with open arms.
