Twilight's new crystal castle was a feat of magical engineering unrivalled outside of the Crystal Kingdom itself. It was regal, dignified, beautiful; a work of serene art towering over the small town of Ponyville, like a delicate sculpture placed in an almost bare art gallery.
Currently within its walls were the Elements of Harmony, Equestria's six greatest heroes, paragons of the virtues they represented. Loyalty, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, Kindness and the power of Magic herself, gathered in these auspicious halls, speaking in hushed and slightly slurred voices.
It cannot be emphasized enough what an honour it would be to be in their warm presence this cold winter's night, where snowflakes cut oppressively through gusts of selfish winds. This night was special. This night, these six great heroes had gathered in the crystal halls for an important meeting, and had engaged in a tense standoff of luck and skill.
"Full House." Rainbow grinned, leaning over to rake the chips in. Her not-inconsiderable pile looked ready to engulf the pot. Beside her chips rested an empty bottle of hard cider. Beside that rested another empty bottle of hard cider. Beside those two bottles was another two empty glass bottles. The only thing distinguishing these bottles from a typical empty bottle was the lingering smell of apples and alcohol, and a few drops resting at the bottom that had not met their fate in Rainbow's stomach.
Twilight smiled smugly. "See, this is why I folded even though I had... even though I had a flush." Twilight's cards and cheeks had that in common, it seemed. "You girls wouldn't have done the math." Four bottles formerly holding red wine lay between her and Rarity, and both their glasses were dry as a desert in the summer.
"See, Twilight knows when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Geddit? Because we're playing Hold 'Em?" Pinkie doubled over, laughing. Twilight joined her.
Applejack sighed, tilting her hat low over her head and throwing her cards on the table in disgust. "Two pair, twos and twos. I ain't no good at this, am I? Don't know why I stayed in."
Rainbow stopped raking the chips in and stared at Applejack's chips in unabashed horror, as if they had just pulled a knife and mugged her. In truth, that's almost exactly what had happened.
Fluttershy, who was still nursing the first glass of cider that Rainbow and Applejack had pressured her into drinking, was also the pony with the most presence of mind at that point. Her friend's minds were, at best, only mostly present. "Applejack, that's four of a kind. You win."
"What? Oh! Well, boy howdy, would you look at that! This is the best kind of seein' double." Applejack's hoof snaked around the chips, missed, bumped over one of Rainbow's cider bottles, then finally pulled the pot back. She was back in the game.
"This kind of seeing double is really fun too." Pinkie giggled as she waved a hoof in front of her face. The hoof still holding her cards, showing the rest of the table. She knocked over some of her glasses in the process, and no less than three empty Mudslides slid over, dripping on the green felt tablecloth they had laid out. The others giggled too, probably a lot more than the 'joke' merited, but only Fluttershy seemed to pay it any mind.
Then the next hoof was dealt and the blinds were collected.
Rarity had been doing exceedingly well for the first half of the game. Unfortunately, that was several glasses of wine ago, a distant and bittersweet memory – if she would indeed remember this at all the next morning – and her legendary ability to read tells had fallen by the wayside as more and more had been imbibed by her friends and their tells had radically shifted with the drink.
At least, that was what she was telling herself. She didn't deem the alternative theory, that perhaps she was just not nearly as suited to watching out for them, of any merit. That would mean she were drunk, and she was not drunk. Ladies do not get drunk. Ladies get tipsy, and that was what the pleasantly warm buzz enveloping her simply was.
Now Rarity found herself with a rather sharp deficit of chips... and she was the big blind.
She checked her cards – a pair of aces. She would give anything to see the flop.
"Girls, I appear to have a most dreadful lack of chips for this most auspicious of hooves. Perhaps it would be in the interest of parity that I bargain with something of unrivalled value, in an endeavour to--"
"What? What do all those words mean?" Rainbow blinked, one eye only slightly slower on the uptake than the other.
Rarity sighed. "I wish to bet something other than chips so that I may remain in this round."
"Oh." Rainbow leaned back in her chair, smiling wide and lazily, "Why didn't you say so? What else can we win off you."
Rarity breathed in deep. This was the moment of truth. She fumbled through her mind to think of the most valuable thing she could offer... dresses? No, too expected, too typical, and even in their inebriated state they'd know she'd offer them for free regardless. She loved them too much to see them go around naked or in sub-par rags. No, no, what did Rarity have to give away that--
Idea!
Rarity pulled out her notebook and scrawled in prim, neat and elegant hornwriting "Recipient of This Paper Entitled to Rarity's Virginity." She dropped it above the pot, letting it fall lazily down to the chips. Its weight was entirely metaphorical, after all.
"I would like to wager my virginity."
The rest of the table gasped.
"Now hold on, Rarity. I can't let you do this." Twilight reprimanded sternly. "I mean, think about what you're doing! You can't just give away something as precious as your virginity by writing it on a little piece of paper and wagering it in a poker game."
Rarity stared at Twilight, slow gears shifting in her head. Fluttershy looked rather relieved, a stark contrast to Pinkie and Rainbow, who looked exceptionally disappointed.
Twilight beamed wide and proud, a stamp levitating behind her and darting towards the pot. "Not without getting it notarized!"
Thwack!
"There. Now it's nice and legal."
Rarity smiled and bowed her head at Twilight graciously, as befit a lady. "Thank you, Princess, you are most kind."
Twilight scowled and squirmed a little in her seat uncomfortably. "I'm jus' Twilight to you girls."
"Alright. Fluttershy, your bet."
"I call." Fluttershy declared. Everypony stared at her in surprise.
"Fluttershy, this is the first hand you haven't folded all night." Rarity swooned. "Do I really mean that much to you?"
Fluttershy blushed and stared at the table. "No... I mean, yes, of course. I'm just hoping I can stop you from doing something you're going to regret in the morning."
Rarity cocked her head to the side at Fluttershy, enjoying the swishing feeling it gave her. "Whatever could you possibly mean, darling?"
"You'll... you'll see Rarity."
Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack called. Pinkie folded, as she always did when she was dealer, so she could spend the turn playing with the cards. She dealt the flop out with surprising dexterity.
Four of hearts, three of clubs, eight of spades. Rarity smiled smugly. Her aces looked astonishingly good.
A side pot was established, and Rarity scowled at all the money she had no chance of winning. Maybe next hand.
The turn card. An ace of diamonds. No chance for a flush, now. Rarity had trips. Twilight and Rainbow laid impressive bets and, astonishingly, Fluttershy didn't back down where Applejack did.
The river card. King of clubs. Rarity had this in the bag.
She flipped her cards over proudly. "Three of a kind, aces."
Rainbow Dash and Twilight groaned. Rainbow had a pair of eights, Twilight two pair, aces and eights. Rarity scowled at Twilight's hand... so that's where the other ace had wandered off too. She noticed Twilight do the same to hers.
Then Fluttershy flipped her cards over. Rarity laughed. "A two and a five? Darling, you'll have to do better than that." Rarity reached over to grab the chips.
Fluttershy frowned. "Actually, Rarity, that means I have a straight. I win."
Rarity stopped, a chill rocking down her spine, her buzz disippitating into the cool night air. She was astonishingly sober for this moment. "I'm sorry, I appear to have misheard you. Did you just say you had a straight, dear?"
"Um... yes." Fluttershy nodded. Twilight's head bobbed furiously up and down in agreement.
"Ace to five straight. Good hand Fluttershy. Very well played."
"Yes." Rarity agreed coldly. "Very well played indeed."
Fluttershy raked the chips in with the soft clitter-clatter they made as they slid across the felt top. Rarity's virginity lay nestled at the top of the pile. Rarity stared at it, the pit of her stomach now the approximate location of the center of Equestria.
Pinkie Pie fell off her chair laughing.
"Fluttershy, I do hope..." Rarity trailed off, at an utter loss for words. What did she hope? Frankly, she had hoped she hadn't of done that. Unfortunately that couldn't be helped.
"Oh, don't worry, Rarity, I uh, really don't want it." Rarity's face hardened and fell, like plummeting stone. "Oh, er, no offense, I mean. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that! I just..." Fluttershy shook her head, clearing herself of the word cobweb she had tangled herself up in. "Like I said, I won it so you wouldn't regret it. I'm planning on giving it back to you, I swear."
"What?" Rainbow exclaimed, slamming her hooves on the table, "You can't do that! You won that fair and square."
"But... it's not mine to win."
Rainbow huffed. "I'll trade you all my poker winnings for tonight if you give me Rarity's virginity, just so you actually get something out of it."
Fluttershy stared at the pile of poker chips resting by Rainbow's side. Rainbow had been winning, and her pile of chips was currently larger than even Twilight's. It was definitely tempting.
Fluttershy nodded. "Okay, Rainbow, I trust you. We can trade... But only I because know you wouldn't do anything silly with Rarity's virginity."
There was a quick exchange of bits over the table for the piece of notarized paper. Rarity could only stare in naked horror. She felt incredibly naked, at least. Rainbow grinned at her drunkenly.
"Oh, dear Celestia, no."
"Ew. Don't worry, I don't want it." Rainbow grinned, though in a rather more restrained fashion. "I'm planning on selling it to the highest bidder . See you guys, R.D, out!"
With that, she wobbled and zig-zagged out the nearest window at dangerous speeds. Rainbow flew off into that dark night, taking Rarity's virginity with her. Four ponies stared after her, open mouthed.
Pinkie Pie's head shot up over the edge of the table. "Sorry, I think I laughed myself to sleep on the floor there. What'd I miss?"
Pins and needles in her eyes, her heartbeat drumming away in her ears, and a taste in her mouth best left undescribed. Yes, it appeared Rarity had a decidedly unsophisticated hangover.
She rolled over, pulling her excessively large, soft white pillow over her head, making desperate prayers to Celestia, Luna, or whatever creature locked away in Tartarus who would answer. There was absolutely no way this morning could get any worse.
Then Rarity remembered what she had done last night, proving herself exceedingly wrong. She shot up, ignoring the stabby-stabby sunlight pouring into her eyes, blinking groggily. She had to find Rainbow.
What sort of low life mare takes a pony's virginity when they're that... tipsy?
Rarity hobbled downstairs to the kitchen, pouring water into a kettle and placing it on the heating element. Tea would help. Tea always helped. Whilst the water was heating she plodded back up to her ensuite. Just because she had lost her virginity was no excuse not to look her very best. Makeup and grooming equipment fit for a small, fabulous army shot out of drawers and off of shelves; Rarity ignored the shooting pain in her head that concentrating on her magic with a hangover was giving her.
Let nopony say she didn't suffer for her fabulosity.
Speaking of suffering, and the infliction thereof, Rarity had to find Rainbow Dash. Soon. Storming back down to the kitchen, greeted by the ear-piercing whistling shriek of the kettle, Rarity quickly nudged it off the heat, waiting for the scream to die down. She waited until she no longer wished to evacuate her mostly empty stomach from the noise. She did not think that through very well.
Tea was poured with milk, two sugars and a little help from the liquor cabinet to make the morning bearable. Much better.
Now to see how Twilight Sparkle was coping.
A short time later, Rarity found herself at the great door of Twilight's castle. She knocked, twice, letting the dull thuds ring out, a beautiful hollow crystal chime. It was echoed by a loud, pained groan from inside.
A few seconds passed before Spike opened the door. "Oh, hey Rarity. I, uh, don't think Twilight's up to seeing anypony right now. She's, uh, grown up sick."
Rarity waited until Spike glanced away before she allowed herself the opportunity to roll her eyes. "I'm aware of Twilight's condition, Spikey-Wikey, but I'm afraid this is a matter of the utmost urgency. My very dignity is at stake here!"
Spike's eyes widened and he stepped away from the door, ushering Rarity inside. "Well, if it's so important, I suppose..."
"Thank you very much, dear. Now, where is she?"
"She's in bed. Pinkie Pie's making her pancakes, if you want some."
Rarity's still-sore eyes twitched at that. "So Pinkie Pie slept here last night, did she?"
Spike smirked. "I found her on the floor. I tried to move her but she was, uh, a bit big."
"You were a gentledragon to try, Spike, but I'm afraid when Pinkie Pie does not wish to be moved, well, she shan't be moved. Though, I will admit, I am regretting skipping breakfast."
"The kitchen's this way."
Spike led the way through gorgeous crystal halls. It was hard to believe this place had literally just popped out of the ground like magic. Though if one remembered it wasn't just like magic, but the real honest-to-Celestia deal, then it became rather less amazing to consider. Frankly it almost felt like cheating.
The kitchens were the same crystal as the rest of the castle – Rarity couldn't see how Twilight could stand to live in a place so uniformly gaudy – with a crystal ice-box, a crystal oven, crystal stoves and a decidedly not crystal pony dancing between them, whistling loudly and happily to herself.
"Alright, now, Spike, I'm sure you would like to be a big help in what comes next, but what comes next is me dealing with Twilight in her current... condition."
Spike nodded, taking the chance to scurry off. "Yep, good luck with that." Then, as he was walking away, scarce so that Rarity heard him, "You're gonna need it."
Rarity turned now to the pink ball of energy bouncing and bobbing around the kitchen.
"Good morning, Pinkie Pie," Rarity said with an utter lack of enthusiasm. This didn't seem to bother Pinkie Pie at all.
"Oh, good morning Rarity. Isn't it such a wonderful day? The sun's just so bright today, wouldn't you agree?"
Rarity's look spoke volumes to her level of agreement.
Pinkie plowed on, unfazed. "Would you like some pancakes? With extra maple syrup?"
"That sounds lovely, Pinkie Pie."
Rarity didn't need to ask why Pinkie Pie wasn't hungover. Pinkie Pie was immune to such trivial things. Even after a night of heavy drinking she could bounce right back and make pancakes with a big, silly smile plastered all over her face.
On mornings like these, when you just wanted to wallow in your misery, it made her almost insufferable.
"So, what you back here for, so soon?" Pinkie asked conversationally, deftly flipping a pancake with a skill and dexterity Rarity could only admire, and resent a little bit. "Did you lose something?"
Rarity sighed. "In a very real sense, yes, I did."
"Oh. Well, we'll stuff some food into Twilight and see if she can't help you look, then, how's that sound?"
"Absolutely wonderful. I don't suppose she's in a very talkative mood right now, is she?"
"Nah, Twilight's a mean old sourpuss right now. I think she had just a teeny tiny way too much lot to drink last night."
"I think we all did, Pinkie." Rarity stared at the sizzling pancakes, salivating just a little.
"Okay, these look done. Let's go see Twilight! I'll make some more for you whilst you and Twilight look."
Pinkie flipped a pancake onto a plate and drizzled maple syrup on it, then threw the plate up and caught it on top of her head, balancing it.
Rarity's hangover throbbed dully just at the sight of her.
She followed Pinkie Pie up a long, long, agonizingly long flight of stairs to the top of the castle. No wonder Twilight stayed so trim in spite of her... spectacular eating habits.
At the top of the stairs, and in the center of another long corridor, lay a pair of glistening crystal doors, which Rarity deduced was probably Twilight's bedroom. Pinkie trotted up to them and knocked loudly, thud thud. She was rewarded for her efforts with a huge groan from Twilight.
The door opened and Twilight flung the blankets over her heard, groaning even louder. The crystal curtains were all drawn, and the dark, stuffy room reeked of sweat and the salty-spiciness of red wine, a smell which made Rarity's head throb again.
"Hi, Twilight!" Pinkie called out with as much bright enthusiasm as she could conceivably muster, and then a little more for good measure, "Your pancakes are ready! Oh, and I brought Rarity. Ready, Rarity?"
The plate of pancakes was wordlessly levitated off of Pinkie's head and zipped towards the bed. "She's all yours." Pinkie nodded, heading back down the excessive flight of stairs. Twilight really needed an elevator...
Rarity smoothly, quietly, navigated herself to Twilight's Princess-sized-bedside. "Hello, dear. I'm sorry for bothering you at a time like this, but I suspected you'd be in a more amenable mood if I arrived with the pancakes."
Twilight groaned, head still under the covers. A corner lifted up and the plate shot under it. Rarity rolled her eyes.
"Yes, dear, I had as much to drink as you last night, I know that feeling."
"You didn't have to wake up to Pinkie Pie," Twilight pointed out miserably, between what sounded like massive bites.
"Yes, I imagine that was quite... She is rather peppy, isn't she?"
Twilight just groaned again, and Rarity rolled her eyes, glad Twilight couldn't see through the blanket.
"Rarity, do you know what a catch-22 is?"
"Hrrm? Well, I should think so, but why bring it up?"
"Because I know a hangover cure spell," Twilight explained, mouth obviously full, "but I'm too hungover to cast it."
"Ah. That is most unfortunate, isn't it?"
"Why are you here, Rarity?" Twilight sighed, an empty plate wheedling its way back out of the covers.
"Rainbow Dash-"
"Oh! Right! I remember now. Oh... oh, I am never notarizing drunk again. I am so sorry I did that."
"I assure you, dear, you cannot possibly be as sorry as I. I was going to request a cloudwalking spell, or perhaps to borrow your balloon, so that I might chase after Rainbow, but I see you're in no condition-"
There was a bright purple flash underneath the covers, and a pained shout. Twilight's head popped up from under the rim, ears perked up, eyes wide and attentive.
"Hangover cure spell cast. The pancakes really helped. Would you like to be next?"
"Pinkie Pie's already making me pancakes downstairs, but thank you for your generous offer."
"No, I meant the hangover cure spell. I can cast it on other ponies, too."
Rarity blinked. "You would be my savior, if that were true."
There was another bright purple flash. Rarity felt like her brains were being scrambled by a rubber whisk before, a second later, reforming in their correct and proper place. She swayed a little side to side on her hooves, leaning against the bed.
"Wow. That was... quite something?"
"Feel better?"
"Much," Rarity confirmed. "Now, about Rainbow..."
"Oh, don't worry, I plan on getting your virginity back too. I notarized it, I'm at least partially responsible. Also, and this is no small factor, I think the element of loyalty needs to sit through a friendship lesson. Particularly about buying your friend's virginity when she's too drunk--" Rarity gave Twilight a look heavy with meaning. A Look, even. Twilight gulped nervously, "I mean, tipsy."
Rarity's Look softened, and she sat at the corner of the bed. "How do you propose we do that?"
"Balloon, cloudwalking spell..." There was a purple flash, and a can with a strange, conical nozzle hovered in the air at about eye height between Twilight and Rarity, "and, finally, an airhorn."
Sex sells (and sells and sells and sells)
The early morning air was so peaceful, and Rarity enjoyed the gentle sway of the balloon as air currents swirled and eddied around the carriage. At least, she told herself, she wasn't getting airsick, and she made a very careful point of not looking down.
Rainbow's mansion approached rapidly. Good. Rarity glanced at Twilight, who was wielding the air-horn like a sword in front of her, eyes fixed stoically ahead. Her stalwart protector.
If there were anypony she trusted with her virginity, it would be Twilight.
Wait, that... that didn't quite come out right. Hrrm.
"So, what's the plan?" Rarity murmured.
"Go in, find Rainbow, blast her until she gives us that stupid little piece of paper back, then tear it up and never, ever drink that much again."
"Elegance in its simplicity. Do you really think it'll work?'
"With as much as Rainbow drank? I think just threatening her with it should be enough. Then, anti-hangover spell, we're all friends again, friendship lesson learned."
Rarity nodded, balancing a little in the balloon's swaying basket. "I suppose so." A dreadful thought struck her. "Twilight, since when has anything ever been that simple for us?"
Twilight sighed, lowering the air-horn slightly. "I know, I think it's at the point where I'll be pleasantly surprised if something hasn't already gone horribly wrong."
The basket landed with a soft whump on the cloud surface. Twilight jumped out first, walking on the cloud's surface as if it were as solid as marble. Rarity gulped and took a leap of faith out of the basket, which didn't result in her falling through the cloud cover to her death miles below. Instead, in something of an anticlimax, Rarity stood firmly on the slightly spongy ground. Honestly, it just felt like walking on an exceptionally large, slightly moist, kitchen sponge. She tapped the ground with a hoof and was delighted when the cloud didn't budge.
Alright, she might just survive this after all.
She looked up to see Twilight rolling her eyes at her. "This isn't the first time I've cast a cloudwalking spell, Rarity."
"Oh, I know, dear, it's just... well, you haven't nearly plummeted from the heights of Cloudsdale, either, have you?"
Twilight's expression softened. "Point. Now, are we going to do this or what?"
Rarity nodded and trotted closely behind Twilight.
They knocked on the big, poofy mansion doors. Rarity admitted to herself that whilst Rainbow's mansion in the sky was a little... ostentatious, it was also undeniably awesome. Quite like Rainbow Dash herself. Who didn't answer the door.
No groans drifted out of the cloud home, no sighs, no snores, no other signs of life. Rarity glanced at Twilight, who was focused on the door, studying it like it were an interesting puzzle that could be solved with pure force of thought. Rarity, however, considered other options.
The white unicorn, who got the distinct feeling she was not meant to be up in the clouds, succumbed to her instincts and morbid curiosity. She trotted to the edge of the cloud and looked down at the ground below them, which was quite down indeed. Still, something caught her eye
"Twilight?"
"Hrm? Yes, Rarity?"
"Has that sofa always been down there?"
"Sofa?" Twilight's mind jumped to the next interesting puzzle in its queue. "What would a sofa be doing beneath Dash's house?"
"Apparently, our answer is 'be slept on by Rainbow'." Rarity mused dryly. "I believe I have found why she isn't answering our knocks."
"But that just raises the question of what Rainbow is doing sleeping groundside." Twilight pointed out. "Back to the balloon?"
"And to the ground, yes, I should think so. As quickly as possible, if you don't mind."
Twilight snorted. "I don't think you'd like to get back down to the ground as quickly as possible, Rarity."
Rarity turned pale, which is quite an achievement when she was already white to begin with. "Perhaps a little slower than that, then?"
The balloon landed on the ground with a somewhat louder whump than it landed on the cloud, and Rarity was grateful for it. It didn't seem to disturb Rainbow Dash in the slightest, who was snoring quite loudly on what appeared to be her brand-new sofa. In the middle of the path.
Twilight looked at Rarity. Rarity nodded to Twilight grimly. Twilight raised the air-horn and-
"BRRRRAAAAAAP"
- Rainbow shot into the air, back arched like a cat, hooves pressed tightly to her skull.
"Gah!" She shouted. Then her eyes opened. "Gah!" She shouted again, forcing her eyes shut again. "What do you girls want?"
"Hello, Rainbow Dash. I think you know exactly what I want."
"What? I- oh! Oh! Heh, yeah, right. About that."
"Just give Rarity her virginity back, Rainbow Dash." Twilight warned archly, "Don't make me use the airhorn again."
"No!" Rainbow screeched, diving back onto the sofa and throwing a pillow over her head.
"Then give us what we want!" Twilight warned again, waving the air-horn menacingly. "I am not having my notary-public status revoked over something this stupid."
"I would, but I mean, I can't." Rainbow whimpered into the sofa, "I already sold it."
"What?" Rarity cried, though Twilight shook her head sadly and knowingly, as if she had half suspected this. She probably had. "For what? To whom?"
Rainbow's head popped up off the sofa, pillow still pressed to her face, "Ha, ha, funny story," she said in that manner that lets you know she hopes you find it funny, but knows you'll just find it disturbingly incriminating, complete with forced nervous laughter, "I was going to give it back to you for nothing. I just thought it might make a neat prank to be able to say I took Rarity's virginity, you know? But then I got home, and I was so drunk and tired..."
"Go on." Rarity said, her words pointy-edged and dangerous. Rainbow gulped.
"And Davenport was walking along, and I really didn't want to fly all the way up there... so I sort of sold it to him... for a sofa."
Twilight massaged her temples as Rarity just gawped at Rainbow Dash, who was nervously laughing again. Nopony joined her.
"Surely it was worth more than that?"
"Hey, it's a really nice sofa. Come, try it out, it's super soft."
"Thank you, but no thank you."
"Aw, c'mon, Rarity, you're not mad at me, are you?"
"Rainbow Dash, let me answer your question in the most succinct manner that comes to mind."
The air-horn was snatched out of Twilight's grip. Rarity held it a foot from Rainbow's head and blasted it for an uninterrupted five seconds.
Rarity passed the air-horn back to Twilight, panting slightly. She was only just now realizing she had been screaming in frustration the whole time she blasted Rainbow.
"Shall we track down Davenport, then, Twilight?"
Twilight stared at Rarity for a long moment, blinked and shook her head, then nodded. "Right! Yes, right. I need to buy some quills anyway."
"Excellent. Let us abscond."
"I'll meet you there. I've got to put the balloon away."
"Oh. Right."
"Sorry."
"Oh, nevermind that, you were a dear for bringing it out for me at all."
"I just feel bad for ditching you."
"Oh, perish the thought, it's my quest, as it were, not yours."
"But-"
"Girls!" Rainbow groaned into her pillow, "Leave!"
Rarity cantered off, towards Ponyville proper. Twilight turned to the balloon, packing it up. She paused, thoughtfully. "Oh, right."
There was a flash, and Rainbow's head got scrambled by a mysterious rubber whisk, before resettling in a much more comfortable position. Twilight trotted off towards her castle, balloon in tow, whilst Rainbow Dash sat up, rubbing her head groggily.
Rainbow stared up at her cloud home. "Huh... how the heck am I going to get this sofa all the way up there, anyway?"
Rarity plodded into Quills and Sofas, alone. Davenport was behind the counter to the bizarre combination store, jars of various quills behind him, a store full of sofas around him. He turned to her and smiled, though Rarity could see the moment of recognition in his eyes. As soon as he realized who she was, a little light died in his eyes and his smile turned glassy, fragile.
"Oh, hello, Rarity," he said, somewhat timidly.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Did you really expect that I wouldn't find out, Davenport?"
Davenport's shoulders slumped a little bit. "Not for at least another hour," he admitted weakly.
"Well, I'm afraid you underestimated me."
Rarity stared icy daggers at Davenport, who desperately tried not to meet her gaze.
"Sorry," he said weakly.
Rarity's voice melted into a silky, sweet little creature. "Well, darling, I don't suppose you still have it?" she crooned, "We could just tear it up, forget about this whole little ordeal, as it were."
Davenport's eyes darted around the room, desperately looking for an out, an escape, ultimately finding none. There was nowhere to hide from Rarity's cruel gaze. "I sold it," he finally admitted. "Sofas and Quills and Rarity's Virginity wouldn't fit on a sign."
Rarity snapped, just a little. If you listened very carefully, you could almost hear it. It sounded vaguely reminiscent of someone taking a large axe to the strings of a piano.
"I see," she announced coldly, all pleasantness in her voice evaporating into the cool air, never to be seen again, "to whom?" She paused to think about that for a moment, and then curiosity set in. She knew she wouldn't like the answer, but she felt compelled anyway. "And for how much?"
Davenport told her. Rarity flinched, then proceeded to storm out of the store, slamming the door open and then slamming it harder shut behind her. She bumped into Twilight outside, hoof poised in midair as if to open the door.
"So. How'd it go?"
"He sold it to Cloudkicker." Rarity hissed, "For a roll in the hay."
"Oh."
"He'd rather go a round with that trollop, that tart, than me!"
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows, gears grinding away in her head. "Isn't... isn't that a good thing?"
"Twilight, please, I'm far too furious to be rational right now."
"Well... wait, Cloudkicker has the right to your virginity now?"
Rarity's eyes widened, and she looked at Twilight desperately. Twilight nodded, and the pair went bolting off, tearing down Ponyville streets before it was too late.
They found Cloudkicker in Ponyville Markets, talking to Blossomforth. Their conversation seemed pleasant enough, yet Rarity felt no guilt in wrecking it.
"You!" she accused, pointing a trembling hoof at Cloudkicker.
"Excuse me a moment, Blossomforth." Cloudkicker turned to Rarity, smiling wide and cheerful and genuine. "Hey, gorgeous."
"You!" Rarity accused again, making it rather evident she was at a complete loss for words.
"What did you do?" Blossomforth whispered to Cloudkicker.
Cloudkicker sighed, still smiling, and half-whispered back, "She's just mad because I bought the right to take her virginity off of Davenport."
Blossomforth gaped at her friend. "You did what?!"
Cloudkicker's smile morphed into a big, greasy grin. "Can you believe this stuff just happens to me? It's just so great, isn't it?"
Blossomforth was obviously at a loss for words. Rarity, meanwhile, felt the realization of just how much power this mare held over her sink in. It was a cold, hollow feeling, and Rarity didn't care for it one bit. Cloudkicker seemed to notice.
"Don't worry, I don't have it. You're breaking my heart here though, Rarity, would I really be that bad?" Rarity bit her tongue. She could save the bitter, witty remarks for after she had stopped being helpful. Cloudkicker chuckled. "Don't worry, decided it wasn't for me. It'd be like taking your fishing rod to the aquarium, you know? If we're gonna bang, it's gonna be because you want to, not because I had a stamped piece of paper." Cloudkicker wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Rarity tried not to gag, "I mean, how about you and me go void a legal document?"
Blossomforth nudged Cloudkicker in the ribs, hard, and Rarity nodded at her curtly.
"Twilight, could you please continue this conversation on my behalf? I'm dreadfully afraid I'm about to lose my temper."
"Cloudkicker, where is Rarity's virginity now?"
Cloudkicker raised an eyebrow, then snickered. "I presume Rarity still has it, unless certain rumours are to be believed. Don't worry, hardly anypony does."
Rarity made a choked little squeaking noise as she stuffed her anger and desperation into a little box at the back of her mind, though it was reaching maximum capacity, and then some.
Twilight placed herself between Rarity and Cloudkicker, who was still smiling rather happily, even as Rarity imagined ever-more complex ways to utterly destroy her.
"The note promising Rarity's virginity to the recipient. Where is that?"
"Oh, ah, that. Yeah, like I said, it sort of felt kinda like cheating, so I sold it to Lyra."
"For how much?" Rarity asked with what tattered shreds of decency still remained.
Cloudkicker laughed. "You really don't want to know."
Rarity ground her teeth noisily in response. Cloudkicker's smile drooped at the edges thoughtfully.
"Okay, full disclosure? It was a candy bar. I was really hungry, and Bons always gives Lyra the best stuff."
"You... you traded my virginity for a bar of chocolate?" Rarity seethed. Twilight rethought her previous bright idea to put herself between Rarity and Cloudkicker, and backed away, preparing her magic. Cloudkicker might have been former Guard, but Twilight had personally seen Rarity snap a pile of Changelings for a lot less.
"Hey! It was a really good bar of chocolate! There were nuts, and creamy nougat, and just the right amount of caramel. It was totally worth it."
Rarity took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Blossomforth, I am about to close my eyes and count down from ten. Please extricate your friend to a safe minimum distance, or I'm afraid I shan't be held for my actions past that point."
Blossomforth took the hint and ran with it, and Cloudkicker, who was nudged and prodded with all the force Blossom could muster against her.
"Ten, nine, eight--"
"Hey, c'mon, Blossom, she's smoking hot when she's mad!"
Rarity continued, loudly, through clenched teeth. "Three, two--"
After a nice visit to the cafe, where some lovely, calming tea and scones were had by the pair, Rarity recomposed herself enough to chase down Lyra. Apparently she had sold it to Bulk Biceps for some free-weights. The thought of Bulk... cashing in the promise made Rarity feel very small and fragile indeed. How would that even work? Her earlier prayers to rid her of her hangovers were small and reasonable compared to the intensity of the prayers that he had sold it on once more were.
It turns out he had sold it for some protein powder. To Discord. Rarity tried to imagine what that could possibly be like, failed, and hurt her brain a little in the attempt. A trail of tears led from Bulk Bicep's apartment to Fluttershy's house. It was here that Discord professed to have heard of the scenario from Fluttershy and was merely relishing in the chaos of the whole situation.
He had sold it to a Diamond Dog for a spiked collar, which he claimed made him look like 'a totally punk dawg'. He had no idea where the Dog was.
"The trail's gone cold, Rarity." Twilight informed her, between sniffles. "Look on the bright side, though! It's not every day that you get to invent a new and effective form of currency. I'm sure there are banks that would pay you a fortune to know your secret."
"Too much wine, not enough common sense, and a pegasus friend who shares those two traits." Rarity grumbled, dabbing a kerchief to her eyes, thinking of how her makeup must look right now, sending her into another fit of miserable sobs.
"Well, yes, but you shouldn't tell them that if they ask. Think of what it'd do to the economy if they put a pony like Rainbow in charge."
Rarity couldn't help but laugh at that. "Thank you Twilight, that does make me feel a little better."
Twilight blinked. "Why? I was being serious."
Rarity just smiled softly in spite of herself. "Twilight, I think I'd just like to go home now."
"Oh. Uh, okay. I'll keep looking into it, Rarity. I'll let you know if I find anything."
"You're a good friend, Twilight."
Rarity trudged home, ignoring the whispers of ponies she passed in the street, opened her door, locked it behind her. She trudged up to her bathroom and wiped off the remnants of her smudged and streaked makeup, and settled into her bed as miserable now as she had been when she woke up, and resigned herself to sleep, hoping for this day to just end.
For a while it seemed like she would get her wish, but it was not to be. She was roused from her half-slumber by an insistent knock at the door. So, getting out of her comfortable bed, devoid of any enthusiasm, Rarity trudged back down to the front door.
"Oh, hello Twilight. I see you have brought Spike with you." Rarity tried to smile, but found she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Spike seemed to be standing nervously in front of Twilight, hands clutched behind his back.
Twilight could smile for the both of them, however, and then some. "Spike has a present for you."
Rarity sighed. "I appreciate the thought, Spike, but I'm afraid I'm in no mood to be cheered up. Perhaps it would be best if you tried again tomorrow."
"Oh. Uh, okay." Spike backed away from the door
Twilight nudged him back. "Go on, then, Spike. It's now or never."
"But she said-"
"Trust me Spike."
Well, that piqued Rarity's curiosity. Spike timidly held his hands out to Rarity. Nestled in his claws was a little piece of paper, the little piece of paper, resplendant with Rarity's writing and Twilight's rubber stamp. "Oh, Spike, how did you ever...." Rarity trailed off.
"I heard this was so important to you, so when I was out hunting for gems and I ran into a Diamond Dog with it... well... I had to. I had to spend my biggest, most delicious gem on it, but it was worth it if it makes you happy again."
There were tears in Rarity's eyes again, but they were completely unlike the exhausted, frustrated, miserable creatures that had attacked her face before. "Oh, Spike."
Rarity leaned over and gave Spike a long, tender kiss on his scaly, adorable, wonderful cheek. "Thank you so much. You could not possibly understand how grateful I am."
Spike blushed, Rarity could feel the heat through her lips as she kissed him again, just for good measure.
The paper was shredded into a million little pieces in Rarity's magic, and then stomped on for good measure. Rarity went back into her boutique, giggling like a school filly.
Spike stared dumbly at the closed door, grinning with big, vacant eyes. "Wow."
Twilight laughed. "C'mon, Romeo. That was a very nice thing you did for Rarity."
Spike's smile pulled taught into a thoughtful frown. "I still don't get what I did though. Twilight, what's a virginity, anyway?"
Twilight stopped laughing, very abruptly. "I'll tell you when you're older."
Spike huffed. "You know, if you won't tell me, I could just ask Rarity."
"She'd tell you the same thing."
"Pinkie Pie, then. She said I can ask her about anything!"
Twilight blanched at that. The thought of Pinkie Pie explaining the birds and the bees to her young assistant... No.
No.
"Alright, Spike, I'll tell you when we get back to the castle. Just remember, you asked for this."
It was thirty minutes later that Rarity's tea-making was interrupted by Spike's loud, soulful cry.
"IT MEANS WHAT?!"
