Chapter 1 Deployed to Siberia / Prologue :D
Our Convertible lay in the midst of the burning rubble of the gas station in a crumpled, twisted heap.
The firemen had to use the jaws of life to pull us from the car. They also found the comatose bodies of our friends Dakota and Andy.
We were all taken to the hospital and for three weeks we lay in comas. The awakening was simultaneous, an unknown miracle of an anomaly the doctors said.
I could remember everything that had happened while we were out, how we were transported to Equestria. The awful things I did with Alex to the ponies. I thought it was all just a dream, something that had never happened. I consulted Alex on the matter, hoping to gain some insight.
What I learned was far more horrible than I could imagine. He had seen and done the same things I had. It couldn’t be a coincidence. Our tempestuous besmirchment of Ponyville was all too real.
I wanted to go back to the scene of our accident. To where it all began. I managed to get Alex to come with me, but Andy couldn’t walk and Dakota had gotten short term memory loss from the accident. We strolled through the charred carcass of what once was a gas station.
Alex and I talked about our happenings in Equestria as we walked. Nothing of note came up until Alex said “Haha remember the Bryce Bots? They were pretty cool.” At first, I pushed the thought aside but I remembered something.
“Oh. Shit.” I said.
I ran over to the remains of the car and pried open the trunk. What was inside was worse than my initial speculations? In the trunk was a skinny, decrepit Rainbow Dash without wings, accompanied by the skeleton of Bryce clean picked of meat.
She seemed pretty shell shocked. I guess anyone would be, after what she did to survive in that trunk. It took some training but we managed to rehabilitate her. She was nearly the mare she used to be.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
THREE YEARS LATER
“This is fucking bullshit, let my attack dog on the plane!” Alex yelled to the Lieutenant at the entrance of the plane.
After our discovery at the accident scene, and some hemming and hawing, we had decided to join the military. A large contributing factor to
our decision was our book that we decided to write after our comas.
Needless to say, the book flopped and landed us such criticisms as “mentally deficient” and “trolls”.
Which was complete bullshit, Alex had claimed, I for one thought it was a steaming pile of shit. Regardless, we joined the military along with our friends, Dakota and Andy.
Dakota had suffered some serious brain damage from the “incident” but the efforts of the doctors at the hospital restored most of his memory.
By most I mean all except his name, which we must constantly remind him of, lest he resort back to Captain Jackbeef Sparrownuts the Grey. Andy had become a mute after the happening, evidently the events were too much for him to handle.
The four of us, with no more opportunities in the world, joined the military.
For the first year, we had to smuggle Rainbow Dash in and out of the base to see her, but then we got clever. We disguised her as a dog, and with some heavy convincing of our superiors we got to keep her as our attack dog.
We didn’t see any combat in our years in the service, but eventually we were chosen to operate an F.O.B. in Siberia
just in case shit ever hit the fan. It would just be Rainbow Dash, Dakota, Andy, Alex, and I, for it was a small base.
Nothing more than a barracks, light armory, and a small hangar with a scout aircraft. We were due to leave today, but there was a small issue: no dogs on the plane.
“I’m sorry Sergeant, but its a rule that they're no dogs allowed on these types of planes, they become a liability.” The Lieutenant said.
“I’ll shove my Glock up your--” Alex began, but I quickly cut him off.
“Forgive Sarge here, he can get a bit angsty about our dog, shes a part of the squad, y'know?” I said before Alex could secure himself a
dishonorable discharge.
“I understand the bond people can have with their pets, but a rule is a rule. You’ll have to find someone to take the dog before you can get on the plane.” Responded the officer.
“Well.. we’ll be back without her, I guess,” I said to the Lieutenant as I began to walk away, gesturing for everyone else to follow.
We rounded a corner behind one of the air traffic control towers and I told everyone to wait there. I jogged across the base to the bunkhouses and ducked inside one. Sure enough, I found what I was searching for.
A duffel bag big enough to fit Rainbow Dash in. She was only a mere 3 feet tall in our world and fitting her into such a malleable thing like a duffel bag meant for carrying fatigues, rations, weapons, and all another assortment of things.
I rushed back to where I had left my comrades and told them of my idea. It was our only shot at smuggling Rainbow with us so everyone went along with it. With Rainbow stuffed into the bag, albeit a tight squeeze, we returned to the Lieutenant.
“Okay, we’re all ready to go,” I said to him.
“Well, I guess you're cleared to go. You didn’t have that bag before though. Mind if I take a look at it?”
I had to think fast, so naturally, I said “No wait! That's.. uhh.. my personal stuff..”
“Oh really, like what?”
“Uhh… Dildos” I said as Andy began to cry, his repressed memories resurfacing.
The Lieutenant squinted his eyes, “I’m not sorry that you sick bunch of queers are being sent to Siberia. Have fun in hell fagolas.” With that, he stepped aside and allowed us on the plane.
Chapter 2 welcome to the party :D
“So you fags are goin’ to Siberia ey? I hear that place is hell.” said the pilot.
“Yeah, well, you know what they say. Join the military, see the world.” I said.
“See the world they said! All I see is fucking snow!” said Alex as he looked out the plane window.
We had been on the plane for several hours now, making a few stops here and there to refuel and pick up equipment. We were on a cargo plane headed to the F.O.B. in Siberia.
With us, we had a few arms, assault rifles and the like, some light artillery, and in case anything ever hit the fan an M1 Abrams tank. Below us was the barren white tundra of northern Russia. Up here in Siberia we would be all alone amidst the snow.
“Oh fuck.” said the pilot
“Oh fuck what?” I asked.
Andy whimpered in the back of the plane, so did Rainbow Dash.
“Oh fuck what?” I said again.
“The… the engines are frozen. We’re goin down.”
“FUCK,” I said.
“Wait, guys, I thought something like this would happen, with our luck. So everyone get in the tank.” Alex said.
As he said that seventeen-foot-long spike of ice barreled through the front of the plane and impaled the pilot in the face.
“Well fuck me in the ass and call me Obama, everyone in the tank NOW,” I said as I ran towards the tank. We all got into the tank and braced for impact, the plane was dipping fast and it would be mere seconds before we hit the ground.
What we did not know is that we weren’t going to land in Siberia...
______________________________________________________________________________
It was a lovely day. Celestia sat in her throne room sipping some tea and reflecting on recent events. It had been three years since the incident with those humans.
Ponyville had been completely destroyed in the terror that they caused, and they even killed three of the elements of harmony. May Applejack’s, Pinkie’s, and Rainbow Dash’s souls rest in piece.
Luckily we had found the root cause of their mayhem, Discord had come back from his imprisonment. It was tough going for a while, with the elements of harmony gone it was tough going to defeat him.
But where we couldn’t rely on the elements of harmony, our severely outdated military was given a muzzle lift. Upgraded armor, better utilization of magic, and better weapons.
The economy is even better than it used to be. And now Discord lies, chained to an enchanted table for the rest of his days. Yes, things were looking up.
KRAKOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM
______________________________________________________________________________
Sparkle Dust was just a regular maid, she worked for the royal castle at Canterlot, cleaning the rooms and halls every day.
It was a humble, painstaking job, but she enjoyed it. She had just finished cleaning every room in the castle when she heard a loud explosion from the throne room. Smoke billowed through the halls and she felt her work crashing down around her.
Centuries of dust fell from the rafters, coating the halls in a cloud of filth. She screamed. Her heart couldn’t take it. Her magic went haywire and her head imploded from the sensory overload.
______________________________________________________________________________
“I think we landed” I said. I looked to Jarod, “You know what to do.”
He pushed the stick forward and the tank began to roll out of the cargo bay. The tank was blaring the ride of Valkyries and the barrel had “DABIGPOOP” written on it in paint.
I poked my head out of the top of the tank. I was taken aback by what I saw. We were in Celestia’s throne room, and the outside of the plane was surrounded by royal guards.
“Dakota, you’re on the gun! We’re in Equestria boys! And these ponies don’t look too happy to see us!”
“SEIZE THEM, WAIT NO, KILL THEM!” Celestia shouted.
I grab war hammer from within the tank and clamored onto the top. The metal beast roared as the tank slowly moved out of the wreckage of the plane the royal guards formed a phalanx to try and halt the beast of steel.
“HOLD THE LINE COLTS!” the commanding guard said.
“Dakota fire at will! Jarod, get me in close!” I yelled down into the tank. I got my war hammer ready to strike any of them that got too close.
KA-BOOM
I watched as the phalanx of guards was blown into the air and turned into fine red mist. The remaining guards attempted to flank us but when they got close I swung down with my hammer, busting skulls.
The guards who weren’t killed by my blows were left reeling in pain and agony. Meanwhile, the tank continued to fire, destroying the ornate stained glass windows of the room and the marble walls and pillars.
It wasn’t long before the guard was decimated. I turned my sights to Celestia’s throne, but she was gone. Probably fled in panic of the havoc we were wreaking. I climbed back into the tank.
“Alright, let's blow this popsicle stand,” I said.
The tank lurched forward, smashing through the great oak doors of the throne room. We crashed through the halls. Breaking through until we reached the outside. As we exited the castle into the courtyard we saw a legion of guards preparing to stop us. I snickered.
“Show these vegans what we’re made of.”
We barreled through them, decimating their ranks. We continued on our way through downtown canterlot. Our destination: the cliff. The guards tried time and time again to stop us to no avail. As we pushed on, the gun kept firing.
I used the speaker system on the tank, usually used for crowd control, to speak to the guards and residents of Canterlot.
“Your town looks like shit, its bad and you should feel bad.”
Finally, we made it to the cliff.
“Why did you want us to come here, Alex?” Jarod asked.
“Yeah, this feels like it hurts us more than it helps” Dakota chimed in.
“Well..” I said. “Have any of you seen the A-Team?”
“Yeah, tons of times,” Jarod said.
“Well.. you see we’re gonna drive off the cliff and-”
“You put parachutes on the fucking tank didn’t you.”
“Yup”
“You know that's not how physics works right? We’ll drop like a-”
“Ah-ah-ah-ah-ha! The gravity is lighter here, remember?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot.”
“So punch it faggot.”
With that, the tank lurched forward once more and we went plummeting off the cliff. I deployed the parachutes, and soon thereafter we hit the ground with a thud.
