The Continuing Adventures of the Most Insane Human to Ever Appear in Magical Horse Land

by midashguy

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3498

The chaos of the most random living thing continues.

He makes Discord look sane. Most ponies resent him. He is the most chaotic thing to ever live.

Will he save Equestria? Will he doom it? Will Citrus Fruit be involved? More then Likely. Beware, he is...The Human.

"I simultaneously want to know what's going through your head when writing this, and don't want to know what could inspire this." -Love the Changeling

"MOST. RANDOM. STORY. EVER." -jackofalltradez

"I mean... stare too long into the abyss and the abyss stares into you, and the abyss has skittles apparently" -ShadowsAndDust

Published 2014-09-22 03:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-05 18:09:09 UTC

Breaking All the Walls

"So, how do we find them?" Pinkie asked. The Human raised an eyebrow.

"We create enough randomness to draw them in like Nostalgia Critic to a dumb movie."

"Huh, makes about as much sense as anything else at this point." She shrugged.

The Human proceeded to light the sacrificial gummy bears, and sing karaoke to dubstep. Pinkie Pie handed out limes while James Bond and Indiana Jones pretended to be cowboys. The ground rumbled, and a miracle happened. It rained jelly beans and out dated Pokemon games.

The Human sniffed the air suspiciously. "That flavor." He growled. "It can only mean one thing."

Deadpool and Old Spice Guy descended from the heavens in half of a cheeseburger wrapper while a British man narrated a comic book. Cthulu admitted to the High King of Skyrim that he was secretly a mongoose, to which he decided could only mean that Darth Vader was his mother's uncle.

"Deadpool and Old Spice Guy." The Human seethed. "I should have known it was you trying to destroy the entire universe."

Deadpool cackled menacingly. "Fool! Nothing can stop us from out randomizing the the universe itself! Our Super Evil Universe Randomer™ is unstoppable!"

"Foo!" Old Spice Guy shouted, wielding a Old Spice Product in one hand.

The Sun turned off, then another sun appeared. Then there were two suns and Princess Celestia got a massive headache, which turned Luna into a vampire making her even more epic.

The Human recoiled in pain, as the very fabric of reality rippled and bent.

"Noooo." He moaned.

A guy in weird yellow armor broke his arm and the wound leaked gravy while Shakespear sung the song that summons the Coco Puffs Cereal Bird.

"Co-co for COCO PUFFS." It screamed.

"Arrrrg." Captain Crunch agreed.

Meanwhile, Mexico froze over.

Pinkie quickly threw a math textbook at Deadpool and he jumped back in fear. The randomness stopped and the Human tried to catch his breath.

"We'll be back. Just you wait." Old Spice Guy sneered before grabbing Deadpool and snorkeling though the ground.

"Weeeee!" Deadpool laughed.

"That was too close to shave a hairless tiger." The Human muttered. "We need to assemble a team of the most random people in the universe. As per tradition."

"But where will we find them?" Pinkie Pie asked.

The Human looked off in the distance. "Hiding in plain sight, there to make others laugh, we will seek them out across all plains of existence, searching far and wide in the hopes that they will join our cause."

"Whoa." Pinkie said, amazed. He shrugged.

"Or we could just look them up on Facebook."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael Bay, Discord, Caboose, Pinkie Pie, Sheogorath and Jerry the Carrot stood shoulder to shoulder. Discord and Sheogorath eyed each other nervously while Caboose talked to a butterfly. The Human grabbed Jerry and ignored his screams because it was a delicious carrot. Munching on him, he began speaking to his troops.

"Men. I have gathered you hear today because danger lurks just beyond our doorstep, and we may be the only ones who can stop it." The Human said, walking up and down the line.

Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. "I'm a mare, not a man."

He threw a handful of Skittles at her. "Don't interrupt me!" She picked up a few and popped them in her mouth, and didn't speak up again.

"Discord, though your own randomness is....lacking. I am glad to welcome you to Squiggle Force Nine." The Human grinned. "Sheogorath, you are a god of madness. Happy to have you on board."

"Caboose, old friend." He continued. "It's nice to know we can rely on your skill set."

"I like to help too." Caboose said, more to the butterfly then the leader of the squad.

"Michael Bay, You need no introduction. Everyone knows who you are. You are legend. You made a living out of blowing stuff up for god's sake." The Human laughed.

"Will I get to blow stuff up?" Michael smiled like a psychopath.

"Yes, yes you will." The Human said, wiping away a tear of joy.

"Pinkie, as the rookie, you have the most important job of not dying in case you are needed for the plot. Try not to make some sort of heroic sacrifice or what not."

"Okie Dokie Lokie then."

"No! You just reminded me!" The Human face palmed. "We forgot Loki!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loki sat in his cell, doodling on the wall.

"Well this sucks...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile in the Evil Lair of Really Evil Evilness...

"G Seven." Deadpool called out.

"Checkmate foo!" Old Spice Guy laughed.

"I cast magic missile!" Deadpool shouted.

"Old Spice Guy blocks with his get out of jail free pass he picked up after landing in the Lollipop Forest!"

"But I made four touchdowns in the sixth inning." Deadpool countered.

"Darn it!" Old Spice Guy sobbed. "Your really good at strip poker."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Headache plagued Princess Celestia and the now vampire Luna looked down at Ponyville, which had descended into madness.

"You think we should actually try to help this time?" Princess Luna asked.

"Nah, Twilight will handle it as usual." Celestia shrugged. "I have faith she will succeed."

Meanwhile Twilight was not handing it, and was instead reading a book in her awesome Princess Castle as that dumb Human assembled some sort of insane group to try and stop some other guys from taking over the world or something.

It had made so little sense that she stopped trying to care and gave up and went home.

Author's Note

Many thanks to commentators who managed to inspire more randomness. To those that mentioned Michael Bay, Deadpool, Sheogoath, and Caboose from Red vs Blue, You helped compile the most insane group of individuals ever.

There will be more. There will be random. There will be explosions and laser dinosaur cyborg ninjas.

~midashguy

The Chapter in which Explosions and Amazing Adventures Happen

It was calm and quiet in the Evil Lair of Really Evil Evilness. Deadpool was napping before he and Old Spice Guy began their ultamate plan to Randomize the universe with their secret weapon, the Super Evil Universe Randomer™. It kinda looking like an over sized banana.

Deadpools nap was cut rather short when the one wall blew up in a Michael Bay Explosion and the Squiggle Force Nine entered through the hole and assumed a somewhat heroic pose.

"Gah! Stop them!" Deadpool wailed. "The Super Evil Universe Randomer™ hasn't finished powering up! We must stall them!"

Instantly, Old Spice Guy burrowed up through the solid stone floor, and pulled out the Legendary Old Spice Product, his weapon of ultimate power. It turned into a nice smelling Lightsaber, and he began charging at the group.

Sheogorath and Discord looked at each other and grinned.

"We'll handle this." The said in unison, wielding various household cleaning appliances as weapons. The trio clashed in an epic fight of personal hygiene products and Febreze Air Freshener.

"Arg! Gotta do everything myself!" Deadpool grumbled, grabbing his katanas.

Michael Bay and Caboose stepped forward.

"I think we can deal with him." Michael muttered.

"I think he can deal with him." Caboose mimicked.

Michael Bay pointed his finger dramatically at Deadpool and where ever he pointed exploded. Caboose ran around chasing a butterfly, occasionally bumping into Deadpool and knocking him off balance. Everytime an explosion blasted Deadpool into the air, the whole room want slow motion cinematic.

Pinkie Pie and the Human ran over to the Super Evil Universe Randomer™ in an attempt to stop it before it could be activated, but it finished charging mere moments before they could reach it.

Before their very eyes the banana shaped super weapon morphed and shifted.

Until what remained was a giant Red and Black Alicorn OC named Blade Reaper.

"I am the Seventh Element." It bellowed.

"Noooooo!" Pinkie Cried.

"Muhahahaha!" Deadpool laughed. "Nothing can stop us now!"

"Nothing but our powers combined!" The Human shouted as our six heroes linked arms. "GO GO Squiggle Force Nine!"

"No! What's that theme music! Ah! They can't be the protagonists! Nooo!" Old Spice Guy screamed as Squiggle Force Nine assembled into their Ultra Form.

A giant robot named Steve.

The robot and the cliche' Alicorn wrestled and pummeled each other.

"He's too powerful!" Discord exclaimed from his cockpit, which was in the robot's elbow.

"Yes we can!" Michael Bay shouted from his cockpit, in the robotic shoe.

The robot punched the Alicorn OC in the face and the fist exploded, which caused the whole Evil Lair of Really Evil Evilness to explode as well. The explosion was seen by a blind man two hundred miles away. That blind man later grew up to become Santa Claus.

When the smoke cleared, the Squiggle Force Nine lay at the bottom of the smoldering crater, the universe saved.

"We....we won?" Pinkie Pie asked hopefully.

"Yay! Giant robots and explosions!" Michael Bay cheered, hugging Sheogorath.

"Can we do it again?" Caboose asked.

"Good Job team." The Human beamed.

"I have one question." Pinkie wondered.

"The answer is turkey." The Human responded sagely.

"Why do we call ourselves Squiggle Force Nine if there is only six of us?"

Author's Note

The Squiggle Force Nine theme song in a nutshell

Bill Cosby Fights a T-Rex

In some plane of reality, Tribbles and Parasprites wage an endless bloody war while HAL-9000 and Cortana play Yahtzee. The amazing impossibility of all this made Steven Hawking quit his job and become a rodeo clown.

Elsewhere, Squiggle Force Nine had assembled to play checkers.

"King me." Michael Bay smiled. The checker board exploded, sending checkers flying.

"That's the fifth board in eleven minutes." Loki exclaimed, "The last one grew spider legs, the one before that liquefied, and the one before that went quantum!"

"Maybe checkers just isn't our thing." Pinkie offered.

"Yea!" Discord cheered. "Let's play Twister!"

Sheogorath ran over and turned on a radio. It began playing that creepy music you often hear in horror movies, and the whole group danced.

"This isn't Twister." Pinkie Pie whispered to Discord.

"I know." He laughed, "That's what makes it beautiful."

"No!" The Human cut in, "No One Direction reference! Not here, not ever!"

"Is this a bad time?" Caboose interrupted.

"For what?" Michael asked. Caboose merely pointed.

"How did you manage to get a sail boat wedged half way through a brick wall." Pinkie sputtered.

"Not my fault someone put a wall in my way. And it isn't the first time." Caboose said blankly. Loki could only sit down and put his head in his hands.

"I think it's time I reevaluate whom I spend my free time with."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Richard Nixon tap-danced while the Dali Lama played an electric guitar.

"Burn the Christmas tree with a sack of lemons!" Richard Nixon sang, "Adam West took my money and I went for broke!"

The human laughed. "Wow, I love watching football!"

"Popcorn?" Sheogorath offered, handing him jelly beans.

"Don't mind if I do." The human said, taking a handful and throwing them at the television. Elsewhere, Richard Nixon got hit in the eye with a jelly bean.

"I brought food." Pinkie Pie smiled, carting in a whole layout of pastries.

"Oh boy! Something edible!" Michael Bay squealed with joy, munching on a muffin.

"Let there be cake! Hallelujah. Gesundheit." Caboose said, utterly detached from the mortal plain on reality. In fact, Caboose was a god. That sort of explains things like the platypus and Michael Jackson.

No one saw, due to no one being around. The crater where Squiggle Force Nine had saved the planet, the galaxy, and the entire universe. A hand had emerged from the ground, grasping the air. Zombie Old Spice Guy and Regular Deadpool.

Deadpool looked at the camera.

"The reason I'm fine is cause I already look like a zombie under the suit." He said, winking.

"Revenge." Zombie Old Spice Guy seethed, "Revenge!"

Author's Note

Not dead, merely waiting for the chance to strike like a cobra with lasers for eyes.

I ate around twelve bags of gummy bears and then wrote this before I collapsed on the floor.

Enjoy.

The Final Chapter of Absolute Utter Nonsense

The Human sensed their presence. They had not been eradicated like the others had thought, hoped. No...

Deadpool and Old Spice Guy still breathed. As long as that were true, everything was at stake. Reality, the multiverse, even reality T.V. though most wish that was gone anyhow.

The Human rose from his chair, his face rigid and grim. "Squiggle Force Nine! Assemble!" He shouted. They appeared in mere nanoseconds.

"I was afraid it wasn't over. It isn't. Ready yourselves, I want to finish this." He commanded, pulling out an over sized candy cane.

Suddenly the wall exploded and Deadpool and Zombie Old Spice Guy stepped through the rather expensive looking hole. Michael Bay became greatly depressed that he was not the cause of the explosion.

"You hit us last time, now we're back and ready to attack!" Zombie Old Spice Guy growled.

"Prepare for trouble and make it double!" Deadpool giggled.

Discord threw a shoe at Zombie Old Spice Guy, hitting him in the head. Due to him being a zombie it knocked off his head.

"No scope!" Discord cheered. That was his third successive kill allowing him to deploy an RC-XD which blew up in Deadpool's face. Gah, more explosions, at this rate Michael Bay is going to end up constipated or something.

Elvis danced to the song of his people to greet Obi-Wan in order to sign an alliance with the Ghost Busters. This pleased the Shiny Magikarp greatly. Meanwhile Zombie Old Spice Guy attempted to reattach his head. Caboose grabbed it out of his hands and played Griff Ball with it. Pinkie Pie just sat in the corner poking the corpse of Logic with a stick, hoping a miracle might happen and have Logic restored.

The Human noticed this and he had sudden a realization. He knew what he had to do.

"Pinkie I have an idea. If I fuse with Logic, reality might be saved!" He said with a smile.

"It will destroy you!" Pinkie cried.

"It is the only chance we have of ending this battle." The Human muttered, hugging Pinkie Pie one last time. He played a Polymerization, and the Human and Logic melded. When order and chaos mix, it can be rather violent. The chain reaction lasted for a thousand years and yet only an instant at the same time. Though the Human's body was destroyed, his very essence was thrown about, becoming every Easter egg and dumb reference ever.

Then...Logic lived once more. Zombie Old Spice Guy and Deadpool were gone, the members of Squiggle Force Nine returned to their respective realities and planes of existence.

What none knew was that the Human had survived. He looked out at the multiverse as a whole. His eyes scanned literally everything.

"When you need me, I will be there!" He called out, his voice echoing across eternity. "When reason and logic fail, I stand tall! When all hope is lost speak my name!"

The multiverse heard this, and was comforted.

All Pinkie Pie and Discord knew was that Equestria was safe.

Author's Note

Yes.
It is done.
I was fearful it would kill me (Maybe it did??), but it is over at last. What you thought could kill him? Nah
All I did was leave it open ended and cheesy as possible. As per tradition.

Till next time! Thanks for reading!
~Midashguy

Back from the Moon

Twilight sat with her friends on a grass covered hill overlooking Ponyville. The night was calm and peaceful as they waited. Tonight was expected to be a spectacular meteor shower and Twilight was glad to enjoy it with her closest friends. After a little while, bits of glitter lit up the sky.

"Look!" Twilight pointed. The glimmering lights increased until they glowed brighter then the stars around them.

"How beautiful." Rarity exclaimed. One light grew brighter still, to the point where it blotted out the full moon itself.

"Uh, Twi...I'm no Astrer-..Asmo...Um." Applejack struggled.

"Astrologist." Twilight Corrected.

"Right. I'm no professional on the subject, but isn't that one getting a bit close?" She pointed out.

"That's... Impossible. They should burn up in the atmosphere." Twilight explained.

"More importantly, Scatter!" Pinkie shouted before action rolling away. The rest of the group suddenly noticed that the object was on a crash course to their exact position. They had mere moments to scream before they all escaped the path of destruction.

Where they were sitting moments before was a small, still smoldering crater.

"Good thing we got out of the way, huh?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I'm glad no one was hurt." Rarity said.

"Well, I'm glad to be back." A voice called out.

"No..." Futtershy cried. "I know that voice."

"So do I." Applejack responded.

"We all do." Twilight moaned.

"Hi, Billy Mays here with Oxiclean Detergent Ball." The Human said, stepping out of the crater.

"Nooooooo!" Pinkie Cried.

"B-but the Princess said he was sent to the moon." Twilight stammered. "How can he be back!"

"The Meteor Shower." Rarity whispered.

"Funny thing too." The Human explained. "Not a whole lot of soap in that shower, just burning rocks and stuff. It's a good thing Billy Mays sold detergent."

"What?" Rainbow Dash asked, completely confused.

"Shut up and taste the rainbow!" He shouted, throwing handfuls of M&Ms at her.

"Ow! Stop! Why!?" She hollered.

"Ninja Smoke Bomb!" He called out, throwing a sandwich on the floor. The sandwich sat for a moment before exploding, covering the ponies in vanilla pudding. By the time they had wiped the vanilla goodness off their faces, he was gone.

"Where did he go?" Twilight cried.

"There's no telling what he's capable of!" Rarity voiced.

Meanwhile, the entire country of Canada burst into flames.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colgate was the best dentist in Ponyville. One could claim that she might have even been the best dentist in Equestria. She alway enjoyed her work, and that joy showed on her face as she dealt with a particularly bad case of streptococcus mutans.

"Ok...I just have to add the tooth filling and-...Gah!" She reared back as her paitent's teeth turned into candy corn and his face became a pumpkin. He began to dance erratically before morphing into some ape looking thing.

"No one knows the true limit of my power! Muhahahaha!" He cackled before fleeing.

"I-...what?" she sat on the floor, dumbfounded.

Abruptly, six ponies burst into the dentist office. Colgate recognized most of them as ponies from round town, and a few a regulars. Pinkie Pie helped her back up on her hooves.

"Chasing crazy monkey, you saw it." Pinkie stated rather then asked.

"I..um...yes?" Colgate offered.

"Where did it go?" Applejack asked. Colgate gestured a hoof to the door.

"That way." There was a collective sigh among the group and they six ponies trudged out of the office.

"Ok. Plan." Twilight said, opening the door to leave. "Rarity, Fluttershy, come with me and we'll get Spike to contact the other Princesses. Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Pinkie Pie. Can you try and find him and attempt to keep him from doing too much harm?"

"I doubt we can stop him alone, but we'll try." Applejack assured her.

"Ok ponies, let's go go GO!" Pinkie shouted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Human had managed to play one thousand kazoo's at the same time while juggling flaming swords. Meanwhile Bruce Lee contemplated the meaning of life while Chuck Norris looked on with shame and fear. When Bruce Lee finally realized the meaning of life was not 42, but instead 43, his head exploded into macaroni art. The macaroni art cured world hunger.

"I found him!" Pinkie yelled, pointing a hoof at the multiple kazoo playing human being. "I'm not sure what he's doing, but it must be evil!"

Upon just accusation, he donned a blue cape and began repeatedly punching the ground.

"Why!" Punch "Isn't!" Punch "This!" Punch "Working!" Punch

"What are you trying to do?" Applejack asked.

"Move the ground. Push-ups just weren't effective." He sighed. "One day, I'll get the planet to fall into the sun."

"I...um...." Applejack sputtered, dumbfounded.

Abruptly, the ground began to shake. The ponies struggled to stand, while the human stayed absolutely still.

"I didn't do it!" He shouted.

"What was that?" Twilight asked, shocked. His eyes squinted really tight, really really really tight, till he could barely see.

"That...was something more random then me."

"How could anything be better at it then you?" Pinkie grumbled. "Better then me?"

"Not sure, but Morgan Freeman has cotton candy. This is serious. Seriously serious."

"Can't you stop him?" Applejack muttered. "It's not like it's our job to stop things like you."

"I need help. I can't out random this alone. Pinkie, you in?" He asked, incredibly straight faced. She grinned like a psychopath.

"Let's break all the walls."