Omake The Second: Electric Boogaloo

 The smell of Saskatoon Dextri-wheat mid-june; winds blowing softly across the plains, carrying the tunes of summer. Jack closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath as he stood on the edge of the long dirt road. Home. This is what home smelled like. He opened his eyes again, and stared off at the small collection of buildings at the end of the road. A robo-combine harvester rumbled along through the field, harvesting the fresh dextri-wheat without pause. With a quick pace, Jack set off down the dirt road, leaving the recently repaired highway behind.

He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten home; it was all a jumbled blur of long flights, cramped bus rides, and bleak ruins. None of it mattered; he was home. Tightening his grip on his olive drab duffel, he focused on keeping his heart inside his chest. It felt like it had been years since he’d seen his childhood home; it was heartening to see it so intact, considering the beating the surrounding area had taken. The dirt crunched loudly under his boots, and his treads kicked up little puffs of baked dust as he walked.

Someone was moving around inside the home. He could see them through the windows. Jack smiled softly as he recognized his youngest brother, George, running around. He started counting the heads he could see, hoping to possibly find out how many siblings he had left. Soon enough, his rubber boot heels were thumping up the short set of stairs on their front porch. The front door was open, guarded only the thin screen door. Jack stood on the porch for a long while, staring at said door. He closed his eyes again, and listened to the sounds of his family’s voices echoing through the house. How long had it been since he’d seen all of them in one place? Before the war? Years before he’d left the house for good? He regretted every moment he spent away from them, every Christmas spent alone, every single birthday and holiday that went by silently.

“Not one more.” You say that like you have a choice.

Jack clenched his jaw, and strode forward; grasping the old metal screen door and pulling it open.

“Sounds like someone’s at the door! I should oil that damn squeaky thing.” Jack’s heart skipped a beat. The sound of his father's voice, unwavering, unchanging before time, filled him with joy as the wood floor squeaked under his weight. Ten pairs of shoes sat scattered around the shoe rack with the one pair that belong to his mother and her dainty feet within; the mess being something his mother would have a fit over later. His father’s voice sounded out again. “Well, whoever it is, come on to the kitchen!” The scrape of chairs across the old beaten wood floor echoed above the sound of his metal legs whirring and his boot heels thudding down like clockwork. The last few steps saw Jack round the corner, into view of the dining room. Everyone was there. Everyone was there. His parents, his uncles, all of his siblings. Just as he remembered them last. His mother Sandy looked up just as she was about to set the roast down on the table; the short sun-kissed woman let out a gasp of surprise when her eyes fell onto him, and dropped the plate with a clatter to cover her mouth. The clatter of the plate cause everyone at the table to jump in surprise, and to look at the culprit. Jack smiled through the pain in his heart, and lifted one of his plugged hands in a feeble wave.

“Privet...” Real smooth doofus.

“Jack!” His father bounded out of his chair with speed belying his age and worn out joints; Jack’s kin all stood, shouting their surprise and happiness as they tried to close the distance. Spreading his arms wide, Jack stepped closer to embrace his family. Then his foot passed through the floor, sending him tumbling ass over tea kettle. He let out a terrified yelp, just before his titanium plated skull bounced off the marble floors of Canterlot Castle.

He laid there, face planted in the floor and legs hanging lopsided over him for a long few minutes, before loosing an anguished howl.

“GOD, FFFFUUUUUUCK! DAMMIT! Сын чертов сукин!”

Jack snorted and kicked his legs, which sent them clattering loudly against the marble floor. He laid there for a few minutes more, staring at the gilded banding going around the room. “I need a fucking smoke…” He started patting himself down, before realizing that he was wearing nothing but one of the ‘gifts’ given to him, which were an unprofessional pair of polka dot briefs. Groaning quietly, he stretched for the top of his nightstand; naturally it was just out of his reach. Rage boiled over inside him as he gripped the edge of the nightstand and pulled it down to the floor, sending his belongings on it skittering across the floor. Grunting in exertion and displeasure, he commando crawled across the floor to his crumpled pack of 1950’s Marlboros cigarettes and a horribly abused pre-vietnam zippo lighter. After lighting the cigarette, Jack rolled onto his side and puffed away; imagining that the puffs of smoke was all of his anger and stress just floating out of his body like little fluffy clouds of carcinogen and bad decisions. Four cigarettes later, He forced himself up onto his ever-steady prosthetics and wandered into his en-suite bathroom.

The mirror inside it was still cracked from the center outwards, but there were enough intact pieces for him to know that he looked like boiled garbage. Great posturing. Maybe I should clean up before breakfast. A quick glance at the ornate clock that stuck to the wall despite everything corrected him that it was well past noon. Or… Dunch? Linner? ...Fuck it. Feeding time at the stable. He snorted a derisive laugh as he shook his head. Stable… heh, cuz they’re horses… Heheh… Still chuckling to himself, Jack splashed his grizzled features with a conservative amount of crystal clear water; his beard was getting unruly, giving him a gaunt Grizzly Adams look. Sighing lightly, he turned on his heels and trod into his room.

The room itself was definitely the fanciest he’d ever stayed in, excluding one night spent in a bombed out Hilton Presidential suite. The room itself was a repurposed storage room, as Celestia had thought better than to prop him up anywhere where he could disrupt proper ponies. Suits me just fine. His eyes went over the fully loaded shipping container that dominated the room; the varied and near miscellaneous assortment of weapons, equipment, and junk crossed his mind. It always made him think; apparently when he, and all the other intelligent humans had been sucked up from various points in time, a lot of Earth tech had been sucked up by the magical Hoover. What was the point of it all? Was there even a plan? Why was there a half buried Federation M142 HIMARS in the Everfree with a full compliment of VX nerve agent munitions loaded into it? He didn’t know, and it was likely he never would. Eventually, with the usual lack of answers drifting about, his mind wandered back to the weapons within the baby blue shipping container. Visions of arcing tracer fire in the night and ignorant sword wielders being shown a mere fraction of the firepower of Man sent pleasant shivers up his spine, followed by grouchy thoughts. Sunbutt better let me loose off some rounds soon, or she’s gonna start losing fine china. Shaking his head, he turned to his dresser and resumed getting dressed for another normal, mind numbingly boring day in Canterlot Castle.

____________________________________________________________________________

“That… is  a metric fuck-ton of streamers. дрисня”

Standing at the door to the grand dining hall, Jack blinked again and rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. When the truckloads of decorations and gaudy doodads didn’t vacate the premise, he groaned quietly and rubbed his bristly cheek. Maids and waiters bustled around, carrying the dirty dishes of what obviously had been just another mid-afternoon feast in the castle. Despite the bustle, the tables that dominated the room were largely empty, save for some haughty equine nobles who evacuated the table the moment Jack plopped down on one of the chairs.

Lifting a laggardly hand, Jack waved down one of the passing waitresses. “Hey, you mind snagging me some left overs or something?” He spoke slowly and squinted at the mare, who seemed put off by his appearance.

“W-well, erm.. sssiiir? We don’t hoof out ‘left-overs’, chef-” The mare fidgeted, and held her nose up mighty high for someone wearing a french maid outfit.

Pinching the bridge of his nose; he sighed loudly and slowly, cutting the mare off mid-sentence. “Okay, look. My afternoon chow time can go one of two ways. One, you head out, grab some random crap off the trolley, bring it over here, and I shut the fuck up. Two, you don’t do that, and I’m forced to go to the kitchen. Now, your head chef knows me by name at this point, and if he tries to hit me with that wooden spoon one more fucking time, I’m going to shove it up his ass and drown him in the sauce pan.” He had a scant second to shoot the mare a half leveled look of marine morning cheer, before she galloped off to where the left-overs were being pulled. As she galloped off, Jack cupped a hand by his mouth and yelled- “And don’t get me anything with flowers!”

___________________________________________________________________

The Princess of the Night was having an amazing day; busy, but it was all going to plan. When she cantered into the Grand Dining Hall, she found herself in the brightest of moods. Naturally, within the dining hall she found one of her favourite people, glaring vehemently at a daisy sandwich. As she approached; doing her best to hold in her laughter, Luna watched as Jack muttered hotly under his breath, and proceeded to stuff the sandwich into his mouth and chew dramatically. Mid chew, Luna sat down and smiled winningly at Jack. “A fine afternoon, wouldn’t you agree Jack?

Two sunken green eyes lifted momentarily to regard her, before slowly moving back to his half-eaten daisy sandwich. His lips curled in disgust as he lifted one of his hands to pluck a petal from his lips. “...Fantastic. Just… Fantastic.” He tossed the sandwich down at his plate, and turned to face her. “What about you, Lu? You seem pretty jittery.”

Luna grinned nearly ear to ear as she leaned on the table theatrically. “Why yes, I am very excited about today, or rather, tonight!” Her horn lit up, and Jacks half eaten sandwich found itself a home inside a royal gullet. “Mmm! Lovely texture, my compliments indeed.”

Sitting back as he shook his head, Jack stared at the princess as she devoured his unwanted food, all while making a face of moderate disgust and defeat. “Tonight? What makes tonight so special? Is it the streamers? Cause I think you got enough of those Lu. Wait, wait, lemme guess. Pony Saint Patty’s. Oh Jesus please be Saint Patty’s…” He rested his elbows on the table edge and rubbed at his sleep bleared eyes once again as Luna laughed.

“No! Tonight is the night of the Grand Galloping Gala! My third Gala since returning, and the second one that I’ve been given direct control of. It will be much better than the first one, I assure you.” She said with a little nod and a soft stamp of her hoof. “Do you truly not remember? Rarity designed you a set of clothing to your specifications.”

A loud groan greeted her statement and Jack thumped his head against the ornate table. “Oh, THAT. I remember that… I think I tried to scrub that from my mind… Rhinestones don’t belong on my damn clothes, and I think I came about a half inch away from strangling her with that measuring tape.”

“It was not that bad Jack!” Luna thumped his slouched shoulder with one of her shoed hooves.

“Six hours of my life I’ll never get back, Lu.” He grumbled quietly as his cybernetic legs whirred and flexed under the table.

Chuckling daintily, Luna patted his back. “Yes, well, be that as it may; you need a manecut, a shave, and-” She leaned in and sniffed at him, before shaking her head and sticking out her tongue. “Most assuredly a bath.” She grinned at him as one of the waitresses scooted past, and delivered a massive set of food, delicacies, and royalty worthy snacks. Before Luna could even think of what to eat first, a whole plate of Belgian waffles skittered across the table with a set of grubby human fingers latched onto it. Rolling her eyes and shuddering lightly to herself, Luna looked away from the chaos that was unfolding next to her. A small part of her brain swore it could hear the screams for mercy the waffles were making.

None were spared.

A mere half hour later saw Luna finishing off the last of her chosen food bits, and Jack sucking his fingers clean of fruit syrups and whipped cream. “Thanks for letting me eat you waffles Lu, service is shit around-”

“That wasn’t eating.” Luna said as she stared at her plate with a far off gaze. “I’ve seen eating. What you did there was pure chaos.” She shuddered as the trauma passed through her system.

“PFFT!HAHAHA!!” Jack guffawed and slapped his thigh as the moon princess cocked an eyebrow at him. “You think that’s bad? You haven’t see shit sister. Imagine fifteen marines at an all you can eat sushi buffet with no PT the next day. Just imagine it, let the image create itself!” He forced a grin as he rubbed the ball of his fist into the bottom of his sternum.

Smacking him lightly as she flailed, Luna scrunched up her muzzle and squeezed her eyes shut. “No! Gods above no! The horror! THE HORROR!”

“And they have no chopsticks!”

Luna screamed. “YOU MONSTER!”

___________________________________________________________________

Hours upon hours later, the sun had set and ponies were streaming into canterlot by the carriage load. Many wouldn’t be getting into the Galla proper, but instead they would be joining in on the bombacious street festival that didn’t cost a bit to enter. The entire mountain capitol was lit up like a beacon in the sky; shining brightly over the land and calling out to all within and without. The Elements of Harmony were on their way, as were the various delegates and foreign ministers who had been invited to the function. Princess Celestia was as calm and collected as ever, while Princess Luna was having a minor nervous breakdown.

“The decorations are set, guards are on high alert, mood lighting is working…” Luna paced back and forth, checking and rechecking her checklist as her eyes flicked about. “This is Chancellor Selkins first visit, and this could dictate our trade relations with him and his people for a very long time…” Biting her lip, the princess glanced to her trusted aide and explosive warfare specialist. “Can you watch out for Jack? I worry for his reaction to the Gala… I don’t believe he understands how large of an event this will be, and he has … very disturbing reactions to large crowds.”

Flitter smiled lightly and chuckled. “Yes Princess, I can look after Jack. He has gotten  much better with living in Canterlot; I think he’ll surprise you.” She glanced over Princess Luna’s checklist once more. “What about the Chancellor? Jack has always had… interesting reactions to hybrids. Remember the Griffon delegate and her dignitary?”

“I do, thankfully Cecile was… strangely for being rode into battle, but Alak... being called Kitty seems to have struck a cord inside her. Though, I honestly believe it would be best if he were readily introduced to the full scope of beings that inhabit Equis.” Luna chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully, before blinking. “Where is Jack? I sent him off to be scrubbed hours ago. One would think he would be here by now…”

A feeling of unease spread down Flitters spine. “You didn’t send him to the spa bath, did you? You know how he has issue with being bathed or taking off his legs around others.”

“Save for you.” The Night Princess smirked at the rapidly blushing Flitter and let out a soft titter of amusement. “I did not send him to the spa bath, but one wonders why he’s comfortable doing such things around you…”

“I-it’s nothing! It’s not- It’s… it’s nothing... Your highness.” She bowed a bit to apologize for her sudden outburst, and was waved off by Luna. The mare stood and rubbed the back of her neck with a forehoof. “We’re just friends. I trust him, and he trusts me.”

Luna smirked; her heart naturally glad to have a moment to rest, away from the stressful list and the Gala itself. “Oh, I see. Being such close friends with him must truly be a boon. And being inducted into his Marine Corp; he hasn’t given the honour to anypony else, that I am aware of. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with-”

“Oh look, the guests are arriving, haha!” Flitter forced her laugh, and spun on her hooves. “I’ll go check on Jack!” At that, she took off, her dress trailing behind her as she flew away as fast as her wings could carry her. When Luna’s laughter eventually faded through the corridors, Flitter slowed her panicked flight to a slow trot. Jack’s room was located in one of the more far flung wings of the castle, well away from the proper guest suites. Currently, it was also one of the less patrolled wings. Why would they need to patrol it any more? Jack lives here, that’s more than enough. Flitter found her features splitting into an amused grin. “Like a laser toting Cerberus. heheh.” The sounds of the starting Gala echoed through the cavernous halls of the castle; all the bluster and pomp didn’t do so much as shake the artwork. Of course, there was a startling lack of over the top, delicate art pieces within this wing. One reason came to mind, and it made Flitter smile just a bit more.

After a moment's trot, Flitter came finally to a thick wooden door. Someone had taken it upon themselves to have the words ‘Staff Sgt. Kessle, Marine Corp EOD’ stenciled onto the door, with ‘Trespassers will be Molested and Shot’ stenciled underneath it. Shaking her head, Flitter opened the door and trotted in without hesitation; the smell of acrid cigarette smoke, alcohol and human musk smacked her like a mallet upon entry. The re-purposed storage room was considerably larger compared to the normal guest suites, but with all of the human junk Jack had collected; the room was busy and chaotic. A massive metal container holding Jack knew what sat against the furthest wall, half draped in camouflage netting and blatantly locked. A large workbench was next to it, and all manner of intricate technical scrap was strewn across its surface. The half built skeleton of some sort of automatic weapon made from Mosin barrels and bicycle parts rested on the vice; ammunition cans of various shapes and sizes were stacked upon each other underneath the bench. Tools, stray weapon cartridges, and empty beer bottles lay on the various surfaces; often finding themselves accompanied by the odd ashtray filled to the brim with used filters and ash.

Glancing around slowly, Flitter scrunched up her muzzle when she couldn’t find Jack within the room. “Bathroom door’s closed… maybe he’s in there.” Passing underneath a clothesline that separated his sleeping quarters from his work area with his optical camo tarping and drying clothes; she skirted around what had been a four poster bed and trotted closer to the bathroom door. After a week in the castle, Jack had made a colourfully worded request to have an ensuite bathroom added to his room, and subsequently got it after a certain incident involving Princess Luna’s personal wash basin and a bottle cap sized wad of C4 was brought about by the initial denial of his request. “Jack? Are you in there?” Flitter called out, and her ears swiveled to listen.

“Flitter? Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec, just need to finish up.” The complete relaxation in his muffled voice set Flitter at equal ease.

“Take your time.” Flitter pulled her simple black dress around her, and plopped down onto his soft bed. Sucking in a  breath, she felt some of her stress evaporate as the familiar and comforting smells lingered about her. If only he hadn’t found that stupid crate of cigarettes… Flitter grumbled quietly to herself as she stubbed his still smoldering smoke inside a half filled ashtray. After a moment, her eyes fell onto a strange peaked white cap with a gold insignia on it. “wow… that’s fancy.” Leaning forward; she gently grasped the hat and turned it over slowly in her hooves. When the bathroom door clicked open, Flitter found herself surprised by it. Her jaw fell a little when the man who walked out of it didn’t resemble the Jack she knew.

The man standing before her with a slightly bemused expression lacked the rough, scraggly mane of black hair that Jack did; instead replacing it with a high and tight buzz cut. A good hooful  of scars danced across his skull, marking out injuries and surgeries. The bushy beard that had consumed most of his face was now long gone, leaving a severe jaw line and thin drawn lips open to the air. His cheeks looked blatantly gaunt, giving him the visage of a skull wrapped in scarred leather. This newcomer wore a strange form fitting black dress coat with brilliant crimson trimming and gold clasps, as well as a well cut pair of sky blue uniform dress pants with a blood stripe going down the outer seam of each leg. His chest was bedecked with what she recognized as campaign ribbons on the right breast, and various unrecognizable medals on the left.  The only reminder of what he used to look like remained in his eyes; the ever sharp emeralds that held crinkles around their edges as their owner chuckled lightly.

“What? I don’t look that fucked up, do I?” He rested one of his white gloved hands on the cast brass hilt of an non-commissioned officers's sword as he stared down at her. “Nice dress by the way. Always was a fan of little black numbers. Like what you did with your hair too.”

Sputtering as she clutched the hat; Flitter gestured at him wildly with her wings and made distressed horse noises. “W-W-WH-What the fuck!? W-who are you!? What did you do with Jack!?” She let out a freaked out little giggle, before blinking. “D-did you just say you liked-”

Before she could get any further into the sentence, Jack leaned in and gently tugged his hat free from her grip; before pulling her to her hooves. “This is what I looked like when I was full of piss and vinegar. And yes, I did. Come on, we’ve got a stuffed collar meeting to crash.” He grinned toothily at her as he pulled on his fancy hat. Somehow the look looked even more aggressive now that he lacked the beard. There was nothing soft about his features, save for his eyes when he looked over at her. Still, the expression eased her thumping heart.

Snapping out of her shock, Flitter trotted in front of him and met his gaze. “Are you sure about this? The Gala is a really big event, there’s going to be a lot of ponies there; a lot of really important ponies, and dignitaries from other nations.”

“Lemme guess, Lu Ferrigno and Sunbutt are sweating over me popping a fuse and killing that blonde haired hornhead with a bottle opener like I said I would if I ever saw him again?” Jack eyed her up, his hands fidgeting slightly.

 Blinking in disbelief, Flitter shook her head. “No, but that would explain why they even considered it as a problem, I just... “ She sighed softly, and pushed a smile out for him. “Come on Jack, we’ll handle it as we go, right?”

“Right.” He grinned at her, and rested his free hand on the back of her neck. “Let’s go Sparky.” The pair set off through the castle halls, weaving their way through the maze-esque corridors. As they walked together, they began passing more and more guards, as well as the odd clump of hautily dressed nobles. Some were accompanied by equally well dressed humans; all of them wore the same, vacant expression that was so common amongst the native human population. As they neared the main event, Jack suddenly slowed his walking to a slow meander. Flitter eased up as well, and cast a curious look up to him. Before she could speak, Jack sighed and looked down at her. “We really need to set aside a day where you’ll come over and have a few drinks with me. I never get to see you anymore.”

His eyes sank downwards to the floor, and Flitter immediately felt burdened with guilt. “I… I’m sorry Jack, I’ve just been so busy… You know, being Luna’s aide, all the duties in the castle… You’ve got a job too; I mean.. We’re both busy, and it’s hard…” Flitter smiled weakly at him. “I am sorry… Maybe once everything has calmed down we can hang out for a day, have a couple of drinks and watch a silly movie.”

        Smiling softly, he scratched her neck lightly and motioned forward with his head. “I’d like that.” Before opening the door to the main ballroom, he turned quickly and jabbed a finger at her. “You better still be working out!’

“I could totally kick you butt!” Flitter grinned as she headbutted his meaty thigh. “Now stop stalling!”

“Fine! Gah!” Pressing forward, Jack pushed the doors open wide and treaded into the mass of prim mares and proper stallions without breaking stride. Several guests turned to eye the newcomers critically; a couple gasps sounded out from the less prepared. The surprise was followed by mirth from some; unclean intentions emanated from others. Flitter felt her hackles raise as she scanned the crowd for Princess Luna. Next to her, Jack squeezed and stroked the back of her neck comfortingly. “and they call em ‘nobles’.” He muttered quietly to her, before laughing loudly and aggressively. The sound made several of the guests do a triple take; the less adventurous ones seemed to melt off into the crowd. Jack seemed to lock onto a target, and set off through the crowd with Flitter swiftly trailing behind him.

In a swift moment, she found out exactly why he’d locked onto this particular target. Once free of the initial gaggle of nobles and guests, Flitter realized that Jack had set off for the refreshments table; specifically the one with alcohol. Before she could say anything edgewise, Flitter spotted Princess Luna within the crowd. Biting her lip as her eyes flicked between an obviously miffed princess and an alcoholic PR disaster waiting to happen; she let out a stressed little sigh and made her decision. A shake of the head sent her off to see to the Princess and hopefully deal with the issues that had sprung up there.

Weaving her way through the crowd, Flitter trotted up beside Princess Luna. On the outside, she now seemed utterly calm and composed, but the little nuances, like the ear flicks and the tiny clenching and unclenching of her jaw told Flitter that whatever issue Luna was having wasn’t dealt with. “Princess? Are you alright?” Flitter ensured to keep her voice low; when Luna’s eyes flicked over to regard her, Flitter couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Jack is behaving.”

The Princess of the Night sighed softly, and pressed a weary smile out for her aide. “I had my first chat with the Nagala Chancellor Selkin.” Flitter watched Luna without blinking, taking in all of the facial twitches and tells. Lips barring for a moment, aggressive intonation… Methinks that the talk didn’t go very well. Luna shook her head and scoffed. “Naturally it lasted all of two minutes before I offended him. I have to try and find him and apologize…”

“Well… it’s not too surprising Princess, the Nagala are a very strict species, they’re all about the little things. Proper posture, proper eye contact, enunciation; they’ve got a set of rules for every social encounter and the smallest slight can set them off.” Flitter glanced up, and realized Luna was staring at her with wide eyes. Feeling her cheeks flush hotly; Flitter look down and pawed at the marble. “I’m just… paraphrasing from the book of course, I’ve never met one before , so-” Flitters sentenced squeaked to a stop as Princess Luna grabbed her muzzle with both hooves and turned her head so she was looking at the refreshment table. Her expression swiftly matched the princesses’ with wide saucer eyes and a keening look of abject horror.

In tandem, they both uttered the same word to express the situation that was unfolding onto their laps. “Shit.”

At the refreshment table, Jack was filling two bowls nearly to the brim with a rich red Cabernet Sauvignon. Various ponies curled their noses at him and muttered about how uncouth it was to drink from a bowl. Ignoring the comments as he whistled, Jack plopped down on the marble ledge and offered the second bowl to his pint sized companion, who would only come up to his thigh if the two were standing. The sharp dressed Nagala Chancellor nodded his thanks and wrinkled his twisted moustache as he sniffed the wine. “A mossst pleasssing aroma; we lack sssuch thingsss in the homelandsss. Isss a bowl sssuitable?” He cocked his cobra shaped ‘head’ at Jack, who was halfway through his own bowl.

A lift of his bowl and nod gave the Nagala Chancellor enough reason to drink from his own. Jack sighed quietly as he pulled off his peaked cap and set it beside the Chancellor's own white peaked cap. “I’m normally not a wine kinda guy. Wine is for women on diets, like clear liquor. Now, where was I…”

Chancellor Selkin drummed his elongated three fingers over the edge of the bowl. “Economicsss, sssupply and demand, asss you sssaid Ssserrah Kesssle.” He turned his head about, scanning the crowd of ponies as his serpentine body curled into a relaxation coil. “I sssee not any of thessse poniesss usssing bowlsss.” A viper smile spread across his scaly lips, causing his twisted moustache to turn up at the edges. “Women on dietsss… Most pleasssing. Pleassse Ssserrah Kesssle, proceed.”

“Right, well, first off you need to understand your supply, and your demand. This’ll dictate everything. You gotta make sure you’ve got supply in excess, that’ll make demand go down, and that’ll open up avenues of trade with your excess supply. The lynch pin in your economy is distribution. You need to be able to get your supply all over your country in a timely manner. Distribution makes or breaks a country. Your soldiers can only eat boot leather and hurl insults for so long right?”

A hissing laugh left Selkins lips as he sipped at his wine. “Most true ssserrah! What isss the mossst efficient way to obtain effective dissstribution?”

“I’d say that’ll be up to your people, just focus on it. It all boils down to distribution.” Finishing off his bowl of wine, he stood and refilled it; taking a short moment to wave at Luna and Flitter. They’re staring at me. Stop being so damn weird and let me do me! I'm gonna save your sorry asses, so go be weird somewhere else! Shaking his head, he sat back down and launched into another conversation with Selkin; wildly gesturing with his hands and making his own sound effects. The pleasant, calm music of the Gala found itself being interrupted on a regular basis by raucous laughter coming from the pair.

Through the night, Luna found herself continuously glancing over at the pair and chewing the inside of her cheek with serious worry. “Flitter, this is a dreadful circumstance… I’ve soured my relation with the Chancellor, and I fear that the Griffon emissary may try to steal the Nagala trade agreement we were supposed to put to paper.” The Night Princess took a deep breath and fixed her skewed crown. “I pray Jack has it-” Within an instant her features froze, and the look of absolute anger seemed to wash over her. It was all Flitter could do to keep her from exploding right there. “The Griffonic emissary approaches!” Luna hissed harshly at Flitter, who winced and glanced worryingly towards Jack. Flitter suddenly found herself smiling.

“Her? I think Jack has it covered.”

_________________________________________________________

“And so I said, ‘Was getting blown the fuck out part of your plan?”

The chancellor gripped his sides tightly as he guffawed loudly; the trailing chuckles followed between swigs of his wine. “Indeed it wasss not! Getting ‘blown the fuck out’! HAHA! Yesss! Tell me more Ssserrah! Your tales are mossst sssatisfactory, and they ssshall be sssung to my people!

Cackling loudly, Jack had to shake his head and grin at the small snakeman. “You wanna hear real stories? Shit from my marine corp days? Man, there was this one time, hoo fuck, I was deployed to Iraqistan, acting as an EOD tag along for regular patrols when my squad gets pinned down in the shadow of 'Death Fucking Mountain’ in the middle of a raid. There’s fifty of these raghead cocksuckers above us, just firing down on us with all their machine guns and mortars. So, me and Asta, and a bunch of the other guys are returning fire- Heh, I’ll have to tell you about Asta later, I love that crazy guy. Anyways, anyways, we’re returning light fire while one of the guys is trying to radio in for help. We can’t get out of this shithole without getting plugged with soviet lead, so we’re on the horn screaming for cover, but because of where we were, nobody could do shit. Everyone's just like ‘sorry assholes, you’re on your own, LOL. Well, it continued on like that for hours while we’re eating up Iraqistanian wasps left and right and shit’s look dire; right up until our radio guy gets these flyboys on the horn who’re like ‘Yeah, sure, we’ll be there in twenty minutes. Now we’re thinking, ‘oh it’s just gonna be a couple-a fast movers screaming overhead dropping JDAMS on the whole fuckin deal.” Jack took a moment to compose himself. “Now, imagine our surprise when TWO motherfuckin Super Cobras come in SIDEWAYS into this shithole canyon, strafing Hajis pos with 20mm gatling rounds and hydra rockets! These crazy bastards blew the whole compound the fuck out and stayed on station while we stuck our bayonets on and continued our raid.” Jack cackled a bit as Selkin grinned with open fangs at him. “There was like, nine of these terrorists left when we started busting down doors. We ended up taking three prisoner and smoked the other six when they tried to fuck around.” Jack’s smile faded ever so slightly as he stared at the near empty contents of his wine bowl. “When we busted in there, some of those kids were so shellshocked they probably didn’t even see us screaming at them to put their guns down, let alone hear us or understand us… course we couldn’t take any chances so we cuffed a couple and popped the idiots who didn’t have the good luck to drop their fuckin guns... Personally-” Before he could speak another word, a large feathered body interposed into the pairs social bubble.

“Excuse me, Chancellor Selkin? I’m-”

“Kitty!” Jack yelled happily as he got up to greet. “I thought I saw you pawing around in the background!”

The griffoness growled at him, before shaking her head and looking back at Selkin. “I’m-”

This time it was Selkin who interrupted her. “Kitty. I heard.” The edges of his moustache tugged upwards as Jack stuffed a knuckle into his mouth to keep quiet; the Griffon emissary's feathers shifted from snowy white to a furious red.

Her face lit up with little angry twitches as she struggled to contain her rage. “Chancellor Selkin, I’m here to discuss the trade agreement between the Griffon Empire and the Nagala. Now-”

“Ah boo! Meows not the time for work talk!” Jack kicked back on the ledge; resting his back against the marble pillar.

The angry twitching in the griffoness’ face swiftly became more pronounced. “What did you just say?” Her question earned a toothy grin from Jack, and it only served to send her blood further into a boil.

To disarm the situation unfolding before him, Selkin lifted his stocky arms up in a placating manner. “Meow, there’sss no need for sssuch anger right meow Misss Kitty.” The emissaries features jerked involuntarily as one of her eyes began to twitch.

Fighting back laughter, Jack leaned back forward. “Yeah, come on Kitty. Have a drink and sit with us for a meowment.”

Before the griffoness could snap and make an attempt on Jack’s life, Selkin held up one of his three fingers hands and beckoned her closer. The emissary snorted hotly, before placing a lid over her simmering rage. Leaning in close, she looked ready to do business. Selkin leaned in, his slitted eyes regarding like prey. His moustachioed lips curled upwards as he spoke on simple word. “Meow.”

Princess Luna took an involuntary step back as the sound of pure, unbridled fury and anguish echoed through the grand hall, and the griffon emissary bolted from the hall with her talons clutched over her ears whilst screaming profanities at the two cackling idiots by the wine bar.  A disbelieving smile spread across Princess Luna's lips as Flitter glanced up at her and spoke. “See Princess? I told you Jack had it handled.”

A short nod from the princess lent Flitter a relieved smile. Feeling a heavy weight come off her shoulders, Luna actually began to smile once again. “Truly. My only hope is that he may convince the Chancellor to rethink his standing with us. Now-” Luna’s train of thought crashed head first into a wall. The wall directly behind where Jack and Chancellor Selkin had been seated; the pair now nowhere to be seen. Luna blinked hard, and her eyes went a tad bit buggy once again. “Where… did they go.” And just like that, the weight returned and her smile died. Flitter let out a weak sigh of defeat and shook her head.

“please don’t start any trouble Jack…”

_____________________________________________________________

“Ssso, the Griffon knew you. How?” Selkin bobbed his head as he slithered along the marble floors next to Jack; the pair were seemingly headed for a less occupied section of the castle.

A quiet chuckle escaped Jack as his prosthetics whirred and clicked across the marble. “Funny story really. First time I met her was also my first time meeting a hybrid face to face, and she just so happens to be a griffon. My people have legends about them, and my first thought was ‘how sick would it be if I rode a legendary critter into battle?” His grin split open as he glanced over at Selkin. “Of course, my mind leaked out my mouth as per usual and I said she would make a wicked mount. Turns out she didn’t appreciate it.”

The Chancellor simply nodded his understanding. “Acceptable losssesss.” Selkin glanced around the halls as he slithered somewhat drunkenly. “Ssso, you ssstate you have a plan to get more pleasssing drink?” His scaly crown twitched as he watched Jack open up the door to his room.

“Course I gotta plan. We just need better gear.” Cracking open the baby blue shipping container, Jacks shivered with excitement as Selkins jaw fell ever so slightly. “Now, way I see it is we have two places we can hit. The first being Celestias personal liquor cabinet. Now, I’m not too big on pissing off a demi-god, so I think our second option is much safer, being the kitchen.”

Quirking a scaly brow, Selkin fidgeted and twirled his moustache. “Dare I asssk why we would need such… toolsss?” His eyes drifted up to some sort of rotary assault cannon made out of scrap weapon parts and possibly a bicycle that sat upon a pedestal of ammunition crates.

        “Well, the head cook kinda has it out for humans, me more specifically. He’s pretty harmless, but I think he might escalate shit if we go after his hooch. Thuuus!~” Jack hefted a  matte black Benelli M4 from a fancy plasteel crate marked ‘Detroit Special Weapons And Tactics’. “Catch!” He tossed the weapon to Selkin, who caught it and hefted the weapon with surprising ease. The Nagala Chancellors eyes seemed to unfocus as he ran one of his hands over the weapon’s receiver and barrel. “It’s loaded with taser rounds. Non-lethal stuff. Semi auto, just point, and pull that trigger there.” Jack grinned as he kept rooting through the container. “Aha! Perfect.~”

        Selkin seemed to be jerked out of his trance by Jack’s purring. “What? What have you found-” He stopped mid sentence and went silent for a long moment. “Yesss… Yesss that will be sssufficient.”

________________________________________________________________

The Gala was going perfectly, or so the head chef thought. His brows were furrows in concentration as he placed the finishing touches on the coup de grace of the night. The lesser chefs and the help were all scurrying about, and giving him the space he deserved and demanded. All but one. One mosey little helper scurried up and swallowed thickly before speaking to the head chef.

“C-chef, the um… that human is back. He’s politely asking for access to the liq-” The loud thump of a cleaving knife slamming into the cherry wood counter top caused the help to jump and squeak in terror.

“I know what that cretin wants! If he even sets hoof in my kitchen tonight, I’ll cut his throat!” The chef harshly snarled and shot a withering look towards the large doors that led out into the castle proper; a flare of hatred arced up inside his mind as he spotted a pair of beady little eyes staring at him from the door frame. Without thinking, the Head Chef ripped the knife from the counter top, and hurled it at the humans head with all of his might.

As the knife whistled through the space Jack’s head had occupied no more than a moment earlier, the pair of liquor pilferers shared a quiet moment. Sighing quietly, Jack brought his ballistic shield to bear. “Coulda done this the easy way. Prepare to breach Mr Selkin!” The action of the M4 clacked forward and the Nagala let out an aggressive hiss of satisfaction. The tiny Nagala was wrapped around the pull bar on Jack's harness, allowing Selkin to peek out past his armoured head; the barrel of the M4 rested on his padded shoulder. "К оружию!" With a great battle cry, the pair burst through the door; several ponies inside the kitchen shrieked and screamed in panic. A large butchers knife twanged violently off the viewport of the shield, leaving a sizable nick in the ballistic glass. As Jack and Selkin advanced behind the protection of their shield, the Head Chef grew panicked; knives began twanging and clanging off the shield at a rapid, worrying pace.

“GET BACK, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL! SWINE!” Finding the knife block completely empty, the chef hurled the thick wood block at the steadily approaching shield wall. In a move of desperation, he ripped his prized griffonian steel slicing knife from it’s special block, and brandished it at the human.

“Take him down!” Jack yelled as he grinned and pushed forward. Selkin popped up from behind his head and drew a bead on the now wide eyed chef. The shotgun let out a low thump, and the projectile whipped out and struck the chef dead center in his fluffy chest. At impact the taser round discharged, and the crass pony hit the linoleum like a convulsing sack. “Securing hostile!” Jack yelled as Selkin leapt from his shoulder to the counter.

A split grin spread across Selkin’s rosey features as Jack began duct taping the jittery pony to the wall. “Thisss weapon isss efficient. Y-you must teach my people your waysss!” The Nagala swayed a little bit, before bracing himself with the buttstock of the weapon. “I feel… ssstrange… Intoxicated?”

With the last strip of tape placed over the chefs muzzle, Jack turned his head and shrugged at the Selkin. “Probably man, trying to keep up with me tends to be a bad idea.” Turning fully away from his work, Jack lifted both hands towards the wide eyed kitchen staff. “Don’t mind us! We’re from HR, er… PR! And um… you can’t keep poisons in a kitchen. да.” He nodded, before pulling open the liquor cabinet. “Yeah, we’re gonna have to confiscate all of this.” A quiet chuckle sounded out from one of the dishwashers as he returned to his work; and soon the rest of the kitchen followed suite without question. Jack gently placed bottle after bottle of the hard stuff into an expanded black duffle bag. The chef let out a particularly loud, albeit muffled cry as Jacks gloved hand grasped a very fancy looking decanter of scotch whiskey. Arching his brows in curiosity, Jack pulled the decanter off its little pedestal and purred. “What do we have here?~ Macallan ‘M’.... Yoink.” Placing the decanter gently down amongst the other nineteen bottles, Jack twirled his index fingers in the air and gestured towards the door. “Come on Selk, let’s boogie.”

Nodding tipsily, the Nagala slithered upwards and curled around the pull bar of Jacks vest. “Yesss… I am of the down to be boogying…”

“I think you’re drunk.”

Selkin's moustache curled upwards as he rested on the firm pull bar. “A wondrous feeling…. Must bring some back to my Queen…”

Shaking his head in amusement as he peeled out of the kitchen; he couldn’t help but feel that tingling little feeling of joy spark in his chest. “Let’s put the gear back and then see if we can’t scrounge up some company.

“Yesss! Companyyyyy!” The Nagala flopped against the back of his neck and murmured quietly as Jack chuckled and set about leaving the wargear and the lions share of booze in his room, before turning about and heading back toward the party with a drunk snakeman and a dufflebag full of alcohol slung over his shoulders. A light warmth had settled into his cheeks by the time his boot heels graced the marble of the main castle wing. To his surprise, most of the nobles had seemingly cleared out, leaving small pockets of well dressed ponies chatting quietly every now and then. Entering the main entrance hall, Jack almost immediately spotted Flitter in her little black number. His heartburn kicked in when he say the miffed look on her normally soft features. Within moments, she spotted the pair and seemed to sigh in relief, before taking flight to close the distance.

“Where the hell have you been Jack?” Flitter hissed out quietly, but with more venom than Selkin was capable of producing. Her eyes flicked between Jack, the openly drunk Chancellor, and the heavy black duffel bag that was still slung over his uniformed shoulder.

Smiling weakly, Jack gestured towards the main hall and the ballroom. “Is Luna busy?” He shifted his heavy load ever so slightly; he quickly froze when Flitters expression shifted into unbridled rage and betrayal for a mere split second, before getting covered up by her usual mask.

“Don’t dodge the question Jack.” Flitter glared daggers at him as her wings fluttered anxiously.

“I’m not, I swear Flitter. I’ll explain in a few, I just… I’ve got a plan, okay? Just please, trust me?” He smiled softly, and offered his free hand to her.

An unimpressed huff escaped Flitter's lips as she turned and ignored the outstretched hand. “Come on. I’ll take you to the Princess.” She began trotting swiftly through the halls, leaving Jack to catch up in her wake. Sighing softly, Jack let his hand fall as he set off at a jog to catch up. Thankfully his legs were considerably longer than hers; he’d managed to catch up with Flitter by the time he spotted Princess Luna having what looked to be a boring chat with an graying earth pony with a monocle. Flitter turned and leveled a modest glare at Jack. “Well, there she is Jack.” She followed Jack as he strode forward; waving to catch the princesses attention; the Princess of the Night caught sight of him and his cargo almost immediately and seemingly excused herself from her conversation.  Luna’s face screwed up with worry as she trotted swiftly forward.

“Wha-”

Before she could get any further than that, Jack held up a hand, and gestured to one of the side doors leading to the dining hall. “Come on, let’s get some privacy.” For what it was worth, Luna and Flitter couldn’t kill with looks, yet. Jack smiled winningly at the pair, and gestured. “Trust me.”

Thankfully the pair didn’t object, and followed Jack and Selkin into the empty dining hall. Jack carefully extricated Selkin from his shoulder, and set the tiny snakeman down onto a plush chair. Smiling happily, Selkin spread out with a groan. “Company! Yesss, Company isss good, yess?”

Shaking her head in disbelief as Jack started setting various bottles of expensive alcohol down on the table; Luna moved up beside Jack and spoke. “What is this all about Jack?” Her eyes flicked to the obviously plastered chancellor, and then to Flitter, who seemed to be less than impressed with her human friend.

A wicked grin broke out across Jack's gaunt features as he picked up an incredibly fancy bottle of red wine. “Hey Selkin, can I make a deal with you?”

The Nagala blinked rapidly and looked up at Jack from his spot low on the chair. “Of coursssse! My friend, Ssserrah Kesssle, you may asssk away!” He grinned happily as he stared at up Jack, who quickly knelt down to Selkin’s level and offered him the sealed bottle of wine.

“I’d like you to take this bottle of wine home, as a gift from Equestria to you and your Queen.” Selkin cooed happily as his three fingers hands wrapped around the oversized bottle and Jack continued on. “Now, I was hoping you’d give Ol’ Lu here a second chance and chatter with her about doing some trading over a couple drinks. She’s good shit, ya know?”

After a moment's deliberation, Selkin nodded deeply and gestured towards Luna and Jack; one of whom was struck dumb with shock. “Of course Ssserrah! Trade… Trade! Isss the life bloodsss of nationsss. Let us drink, and talk, Princesss Luna!”

The Princess of the Night sputtered lamely for a split moment, before rapidly composing herself and nodding graciously. “Of course, thank you for your consideration Chancellor Selkin.” She cast a surprised glance at Jack, before smiling honestly for this first time since the Gala had started.

Naturally her good mood was caught by Jack’s next request. “Right. So we’re gonna need two royal pardons.”

“What!? W-what the hay did you do?” Luna stared at him incredulously as Flitter groaned loudly. Her shoulder slumped as Jack pointed at the collection of expensive alcohols and Selkin piped up.

“I shot a pony! Haha! T’wasss an amazing feat!”

Coughing lightly, Jack had the good sense to look at the floor. “It was just a taser round, he’s fine. But uh… yeah. Theft and assault, but the assault was totally self defense, he attacked us first.”

A swift shake of her head saw Luna grabbing one of the bottles of scotch and taking a deep swig from the neck of the bottle. Smiling again in good humor as her cheeks reddened, she laughed. “Of course.” She giggled quietly again and shook her head. “Consider yourselves pardoned. I’ll inform the guards to not arrest you. Now, why don’t you two go find Max and Twilight? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind the company. Chancellor Selkin and Myself won’t be much ‘fun’.”

Grabbing the the pilfered bottle of Macallan ‘M’, Jack nodded once to the pair and wrapped an arm around Flitters neck. “Come on Sparky, let’s go stir up trouble.” At that, he bowed dramatically to Luna and Selkin, and split from the main dining hall. Flitter trotted next to him; still shaking her head at what she’d just witnessed.

“This is going to drive me crazy unless I ask, how in the hell did you get that friendly with the chancellor?” Flitter asked as she trotted next to him.

Jack smiled wide as he laughed. “We had the same hat. Kind of just took off from there. Selk was just dying for a bit of fun, poor dude.”

“You’re joking…” Flitter shook her head and laughed with Jack over the night’s events. After a few minutes more of walking, Flitter noticed something. “You... you do realize that the gardens are in the other direction, right?” Flitter looked up at him as he wandered off towards one of the less populated wings.

“Yeah, and I also know that Max and Sparklebutt are probably in the third period of tonsil hockey, maybe even into overtime at this point. Besides, Maximilian and me, we never really hit it off, you know?” He lifted up the bottle of scotch whiskey and eyed it as he walked.

Blinking in confusion and slight embarrassment; Flitter kept pace with Jack as he treaded back towards his room. ”Well… why not? There’s not many smart humans in Canterlot; I would have thought you two would hit it off, or at least talk to each other more.”

Slowly opening the door to his room, Jack set the fancy decanter down on his dresser and started pulling off the outmost parts of his dress blues, until he was wearing his work-out shorts and a plain white muscle shirt. “You’d think, but… Well, we’ve got something like sixteen years between us, and completely different mindsets... ‘Sides, he’s got that lovers fog, and the kid’s a little daft to begin with. Plus I’m a bitter, resentful prick when it comes to marriage and love, so yeah!” Jack grinned as he cracked the bottle open and sniffed it slowly. “Damn… Dad would kill for a whiff of that…” As he started breaking open his collection of shot glasses, Jack looked to Flitter. “You gonna stick around for a drink or two?” He asked hopefully, with two shot glasses at the ready.

Flitter bit her lip lightly as she eyed the swirling bronze liquor. “I.. I really shouldn’t, you know how much of a lightweight I am…”

“Come on Flitter, just one shot? I don’t wanna drink this thing alone….” His mouth worked slowly as he fought for traction. “I… nevermind… I didn’t mean to pressure you. I appreciate the escort back.” He felt himself deflating as he stared at the liquor bottle; after a moment's deliberation, he drummed the bottle and poured himself a shot. “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?” He downed the shot and shook his head. “fuck that’s good… gotta be over forty; cedar barrel maybe? dad would know....”

Frowning sadly as she stared at Jack, Flitter followed him as he walked over to his bed and sat down heavily on it. “Luna told me about your visit to the doctor… I worry about you, you know?” Flitter set her hoof gently on his thigh, and offered him a supportive smile.

Jack felt the corner of his mouth twitch involuntarily. “It’s just an ulcer. Signs that I’m getting old. Barely keeps me up.” Down went the second shot.

“The doctors say otherwise… You know you wouldn’t have it if you didn’t drink so much, right?” Flitter nuzzled his side as she stared up at him. When Jack couldn’t meet her gaze, she felt a twinge of regret form in her chest. His fingers remained curled around the third shot.

“And if I didn’t drink I’d never get any sleep.” He fidgeted lightly, before giving up on the shot so he could flop back onto the bed. The soft downy mattress compressed as Flitter clambered on after him and nuzzled his chest. Settling down next to Jack, Flitter sighed quietly and clapped off the light. Without a word, Jack rolled onto his side, and pulled the mare close. He rested his chin on top of her soft mane as she nuzzled close into his chest.

“G’night Flitter.”

“Good Night Jack…”

“Hey Flitter…”

“Yeah Jack?”

“Thanks.”

“It’s okay. Sleep tight.” Flitter lifted her head up, and pecked him delicately under his chin. Jack's grip on her tightened protectively, and he scooched down to rest his forehead against hers.