Peace at Last Side Stories: Canterlot Madness

by Prince_Staghorn

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Diamond Dogs, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 3344

Stag is put in charge of babysitting Celestia and Luna's nephew for a day... maybe longer.

Stag, ever curious about the ruling family of Equestria, is delighted when he is given an opportunity during a brief hiatus in his diplomatic endevours to babysit the nephew of Celestia and Luna: Prince Reginald Butterscop Pendragon Jr. IV.

However, this may be more than he bargained for...

Will Stag manage to understand the mystery that is Butters? Will his children harass the palace staff to no end? Will four guards ever manage to get anything right?

...eh, maybe.

Many thanks to a talented individual named Puffy who introduced me to Butters and Atjour, as well as to Hakar-Keramor for allowing me to meet Arrowhead, Monolith, Nors, and Bastion
Sex tag for the first chapter.

Published 2014-10-24 01:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-21 15:28:19 UTC

Royal Stuff

It was not a normal day in the caves. Stag was celebrating with three close friends of his, and was having the time of his life.

Of course, this meant he, Rover, Fido, and Spot were drunk.

"So, what happened after that?" Rover asked, slurring the words a little.

Stag smiled. "Well, I'll tell ya. I get back home from Amby's, and I find my wife waitin'. And she's got a positive pregnancy test!"

At this, all four roared in laughter, and the dogs congratulated Stag on his success, which was impressive by equine standards applied to Diamond Dog standards.^

The laughter soon died down as all four calmed down.

"So," Spot began, "now it's up to Manehattan?"

Stag shook his head. "Nah, I got a few weeks in between, so I'm gonna have some fun! Double gave me today to just party! I hate ta go, guys, but I can't stay here all day! I got things to see and ponies to do!"

Fido, still mostly sober, lifted a finger. "Don't you have those mixed up?"

Stag smiled gleefully. "Nope!"

***

Stag yawned as a lance of sunlight cut through the curtains, checking himself and his surroundings.

I don't know what the hell happened last night, but it looks like my disguise held up.

Stag was currently a grey unicorn stallion of average build, black mane a mess. He ascertained his surroundings, ending with the Rusalka mare in bed with him, her forelimbs around him in a cuddle, fluked tail between his legs.

Looks like I felt like going exotic last night. Ah, what can you do?

Stag stumbled to the kitchen of the unfamiliar house, and started cooking. It was true, during his allowed "free time" he was allowed to sleep with multiple other mares, but Stag never up and left while they were asleep. He always did something nice for them first.

I wonder what today will hold for me?

That was when the scroll hit his head.

***

Stag read the letter as he ate with the rusalka. When he had finished, he looked at her.

"Taloa, I'm sorry, but I need to leave."

She nodded. "It's fine. When you get a letter from the princesses, you go."

Stag kissed her cheek. "I'll visit you again sometime."

After he left, she got out a sheet of paper with pictures of various equine species on it. She crossed out the changeling box, right between a similarly marked kelpie box and an earth pony box.

"Just one more and I get a bingo!"^^

***

Stag's only stop was to pick up Mandible and Silkworm.

He couldn't believe his luck. The princesses had asked him to babysit their nephew!

Author's Note

^An important part of Diamond Dog social status is the ability to successfully sire pups. The males will congratulate one another on the size and health of a litter, and the members of the opposite gender... to put it bluntly, had Stag been born a Diamond Dog, he would have had three litters by now, and all the bitches lining up to be his mate.

It's not cursing! it's the technical term for a female dog!

^^...This is actually pretty typical of her species.

His Royal Baldness, a Maid, and Four Inept Guardsponies

In Canterlot Castle, a prince was wandering the halls, carrying a precious treasure in his mouth.

Prince Reginald Butterscop Pendragon Jr. IV, or just Butters, son of [REDACTED BY ORDER OF PRINCESS LUNA] and [REDACTED BY ORDER OF PRINCESS LUNA]^ was highly atypical for his family.

While Faust and her six children were radiant beauties, their coats soft, their feathers shimmering, their manes and tails resplendent, Butters had none of these traits.

Butters was bald. Not a single hair or feather on him, just slightly wrinkled pink skin. He also had no teeth. His featherless wings were small, and what magic he actually had was channeled into them allowing him to fly.

The other thing was that Butters was not a smart pony. Oh, he could be clever, but the fact was that he BARELY crossed the line into sapience.^^ The palace mirrors were always in danger because Butters did not understand the concept of a reflection, and putting him to sleep was as easy as throwing a blanket over his head.

At the minute, Butters was strutting down the hall triumphantly, a golden jewel-encrusted acorn from the royal treasury in his mouth. Butters loved acorns, and collected any he found. He didn't eat them, he just hoarded them and kept them safe from fuzzy tails.

However, he knew one other thing... it was bath day, and he needed to hide. The four guards hunting him were the only ones qualified to match wits with him.

***

"...I blame you for this, Nors."

"Oh come on, it wasn't my fault, it was Monolith's!"

"Hey, shut up!"

Bastion looked up at his team, somehow caught in a giant net that used to be a palace tapestry, and facehoofed.

Guard Squad 398 consisted of one unicorn and three pegasi. Bastion, the unicorn, was a heavyset fellow, his coat dyed dark grey as was standard protocol. Nors was a Pegasus stallion with pink eyes. Monolith was a Pegasus stallion with purple eyes. Arrowhead, the only mare of the bunch, was small.

Together, these four made up the most incapable guard squad in the history of the country, or at least the most unlucky.^^^

All had their faults. Bastion had a minor weight problem, Arrowhead was overconfident, Nors was constantly listening to music, and Monolith was... well, no one knew what Monolith's excuse was. However, Bastion was the most unlucky because he was the chosen victim of a monster.

Something evil roamed Canterlot, something the Princesses were unaware of. Something that went to no end to harass Bastion at any given chance. Something so evil, the thought of it kept Bastion afraid to go to sleep at night.

Something that was bright green, and dressed in a maid outfit.

***

Atjour Service was one of the highest-ranking of Canterlot's maids. She was an earth pony of average build, and her mane and tail, when not bound, were frizzy enough to earn her the nickname "Broccoli Head", though no one ever called her that, except in private, as it was common belief that saying her name would summon her to the location where it was spoken.

Atjour's only truly unique physical characteristics were her long, elfin ears. Some attributed them to a donkey somewhere in her ancestry, others said that she actually did have some elf somewhere along her line.

What was agreed on was that she was the most cynical mare in Equestria, as well as one of the most terrifying. When she smiled, her teeth had an unnerving habit of looking like predatory fangs, and her eyes seemed to be constantly judging other ponies. Rumor was that she was actually dating a known cannibal, but such reports were never confirmed.

She spent her work hours cleaning, dusting, watching Butters, and harassing the guards on the side. Mostly Bastion. ESPECIALLY Bastion.

What made her so devious was that she messed with her targets on a psychological level, not even actually insulting them, and actually being nice, causing said targets to become paranoid with fear.

Only over the past month had she stopped insulting Bastion in favor of this method.

~~~

The green mare held out the plate to the unicorn.

"You look starved, Sergeant. Have a delicious sweet roll to keep your strength going."

Did she poison it? Or what if this is a setup to get me in trouble with the baker?

Bastion gulped, sweating in fear.

"N-no thanks, I'm not hungry..."

~~~

"You look so tense, mister Bastion. How about a back massage to loosen up?"

SHE'S GONNA SNAP MY NECK!

"N-no thanks! I like being all tense!"

~~~

Atjour smirked. The fat one was fun to torment.

Author's Note

^all that can be revealed is that it isn't Piedra, Celestia, Castellan, Dream, Luna, or Alula, but the parents are from Faust's side.

^^Cadance (who hates Butters beyond all reason) referred to him as being literally born with no brain, citing an x-ray of Butters as proof, despite being repeatedly told that x-rays don't work like that.

^^^Bastion and Monolith once set the city on fire. How? They were put in charge of guarding an ice sculpture and two bails of hay. glad to have gotten an easy job, they hoof-bumped. the resulting spark caused by their metal horseshoes ignited the hay.

Meetings

Stag landed outside the castle. The guards nodded before allowing him and his children in. Once the doors were closed, he spoke to the twins.

"You two go have fun. Be in the dining hall by suppertime."

The foals raced off to cause some mayhem, as foals are wont to do. Stag continued to the throne room.

***

"So, this is your nephew?"

Stag looked at the bald thing in front of him. On their thrones, Luna remained stoic, while Celestia was beaming with pride

"Yes! And isn't he just precious?"

Stag looked at the princess skeptically.

"Yes... I suppose..."

Stag was hit with a spray of saliva from Butters. Celestia smiled.

"His name is Butters. He has a very specific set of guidelines you need to follow while we're away."

Stag balked at that. "Away!?! Where are you going!?!"

"Germaney. Führer Mustang wanted to discuss our recent alliance with Neighpon - thank you for that, by the way - and other political matters."

Stag was still shocked. "Well... who are his parents? in case I need to contact them?"

It was at this point Luna spoke.

"That particular information cannot be released. Trust me, it's for everyone's own good."

Stag wanted to question this point... but then again, this was Celestia and Luna. He'd be better off not objecting.

***

Mandible and Silkworm were setting their trap.

It was a simple prank, more or less no-mess, learned from their Auntie Fluffle Puff.^

It consisted of a small catapult and pillows, which would be launched towards the first guard to walk through the door.

Now they would wait.

Incidentally, it didn't take long before the door opened.

"FIRE!"

Several pillows flew, hitting their target... and upon seeing who they had hit, the children went wide-eyed.

There were two earth pony mares that the changelings had grown to fear since the treaty was signed. The first was a mysterious member of the night guard who wore a necklace of (hopefully fake) changeling horns.

The second was Atjour.

The green mare took the pillow off her face and looked at the two foals. Then she looked at the clock.

Her shift as a maid was over. A quick movement of her hoof, and her mane was freed. A sharp-toothed smile spread across her face. She looked like a demonic figure from an old youkai story.^^

"You two are coming with me."

Author's Note

^ A recent and now close friend of their grandmother, as well as an endless source of love.

^^Youkai or Yokai- a class of supernatural monsters in Neighponese folklore, until recently also referring to real world creatures and races such as the Oni, Kappa, and Tsuchigumo

Lessons

When his aunties left, Butters looked at the strange pony in front of him. He was weird-looking, but just another pony to Butters, who didn't really discriminate. If it had hooves and talked, it was a pony. This ranged from brown ponies with long ears and no butt pictures and ponies with no horns and wings, but with butt pictures, to yellow ponies who were really tall and had brown spots, but no butt pictures and grey, hairless ponies with two horns on their noses, also with no butt pictures.

The pony in front of him had wings like a buzzer, legs full of holes, and a shell like a shiny buzzer. His horn was crooked, and he had one-more-than-one small sharp biters like a meow-meow. His peepers were like a meow-meow's too, just like the night guards, except tree-hair colored instead of gold.

Butters decided to administer the test.

Looking the funny pony in the peepers, he curled his head around and started licking his butt, still looking straight at him.

***

Stag watched as Butters licked his butt, maintaining eye contact the entire time. It was... very uncomfortable, but he would endure.

"So... Butters... what do you like to do?"

The bald alicorn began barking.

...This would be difficult.

***

Mandible and Silkworm were confused.

Rather than punishing them, Atjour had set the two royal foals on a cushion each. In front of them was a screen with a picture of a... "heavy" grey unicorn stallion in armor. The green mare held a pointer. Silkworm spoke first.

"Miss Atjour? Why are we here?"

The green mare smiled, then spoke.

"While I can tell you two consider yourselves to be good at humiliating others, you lack finesse. There is an art to this, and I intend to teach you the basics at the very least." She pointed to the stallion.

"Now, children, the first thing you must learn is how to pick your target correctly. Note this individual. Notice his fat body, low intelligence, and overall fact he looks like a failure. there is a name for this type of target, but we'll just call him Bastion."

"Bastion is an easy enough target. He has many areas that can be hit with projectiles such as pies or water balloons, he can be easily tricked by food set out as bait, and he can be subjected to simple insults. There are other ways, such as psychological manipulation and blackmail, but those take years to perfect, so the two of you need to stick to the basics. I want the both of you to suggest an idea. Silkworm?"

The filly put a hoof to her chin, thinking.

"Well, he's scared of you, right? We could cover his bed in pictures of you..." Mandible interrupted.

"But we can't leave obvious evidence, Silky! We need to get him another way. Look how chubby he is. What we need to do is somehow lure him into the kitchen, then frame him so the medical staff imposes a strict diet on him!"

Atjour blinked. The colt caught on quickly. She felt a little proud of him. It was a good plan. She spoke.

"I want you two to work together on how to execute Mandible's plan. Bring the plan here tomorrow at this exact time. And make sure you've memorized it, because it will need to be burned after I go over it. No evidence, like Mandible said."

Plans

It hadn't taken Stag long to come up with a solution to the problem of understanding Butters, but now he was more confused by what the translators said he was saying.

"What do you mean he 'want fight fuzzy tails'?"

Rover shrugged. "He's speaking like a week-old pup, I'm doing the best I can!"

Stag sighed.

He had come to the conclusion, based on the patterns he detected in Butter's "speech", that he was speaking some form of Canid, and had called Rover, Fido, and Spot to serve as possible translators.

It turned out that, for whatever reason, Butters WAS speaking Canid... a primitive, derived form that puppies often spoke when first learning how to talk, and Butters had modified it further so only a few things were ever direct, but everything else was more descriptive. For example, he knew the word "tree" and he knew the word "hair", but said "tree hair" instead of "leaves".

It was somewhat frustrating. Stag threw a blanket over the alicorn's head, and Butters was asleep in an instant.

This isn't working. I need a different approach.

He began formulating the plan for how to deal with Butters' language barrier. It would be time-consuming, tedious, and frustrating... but he would do it.

Interlude: The Secret

Guard Squad 398 was considered to be one of the very few stains on Shining Armor's records as Captain of the Royal Guard, but the simple truth was that, despite what their track record would suggest, they weren't entirely incompetent, simply very accident prone.

Currently, they were stationed in different areas of the castle, and Bastion could tell something was off as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen.

It was too quiet. The kind of quiet that meant someone was scheming. However, ignoring the growing sense of dread in his stomach, he continued onward until he reached the kitchen.

***

It was well known that the head baker of the Canterlot Kitchen staff was a thoroughly terrifying mare who would not hesitate to use a Gelding knife on any stallion she was mad at.

However, she also loved pranks, so when two changeling foals had spoken to her about their plan, she had allowed them to go through with it.

In a short time, Bastion was caught helping himself to some of the rolls on the cabinet, and from there, by order of Captain Shining Armor, was put on a diet as punishment.

That was when Shining Armor was told he would be receiving some news courtesy of his wife... and Chrysalis. Both were waiting in the main foyer. the stallion held some apprehension, as the two were known to prank him regularly.

"You said this was important?"

Cadance shuffled her hooves uneasily.

"Well... yes... I'm just not sure exactly how you'll react..."

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and spoke.

"I'm 10 months pregnant and you're the father."

Shining's pupils shrunk to pinpricks.

~10 MONTHS AGO~

Shining held his head. He was sure the headaches were getting worse.

"Oh Shining Armor~"

Shining went into the room... and there was Cadance, lying suggestively on the bed, with a look that could be summed up in four words.

There was only one way this would end.

~~~

Shining stared at Chrysalis' swollen baby belly... then promptly fainted. Cadance spoke.

"Think he'll get over it?"

Conversation and Conclusion

The road to understanding Butters was near-impossible. Well, actually, that was an understatement. It WAS impossible unless you happened to share his state of mind. However, in order to do that, you either needed to be mentally unhinged, not terribly smart, a non-sapient animal, or Celestia^.

Stag and the dogs needed to admit defeat. While they had a small dictionary built up of barks-to-puppy language-to-Equestrian, they had to admit that, in the end, the strange hairless alicorn had bested them in this challenge. Stag threw a blanket over Butter's head, and once the alicorn was asleep, the changeling collapsed on a nearby seat. The dogs had left some time ago, and Double had picked up the foals yesterday, so Stag had no one to talk to.

Nothing could make the past few days any worse... that was when a letter arrived.

Prince Staghorn,

My sister and I regret to inform you that we must leave you as Butter's caretaker for another few weeks, as we- along with the Furher and his family- have been invited to the Tsarina of Muskovy's palace in Muskow.

I hope this does not cause you further strife.

Sincerely yours, Princess Celestia.

Stag was wide-eyed, but quickly composed himself. It would be fine. It would be fine. It wou...

He heard his mother.

"Stag, I have something I need to tell you..."

Stag stared at Chrysalis' swollen stomach. "You're..."

"Pregnant." Chrysalis finished for him. "And Shining Armor's the father."

It was too much. Stag passed out.

Author's Note

^No disrespect to the Princess, of course! She just tends to go "Super Baby Mom Mode" around him, you know, baby talk, pampering, "d'aaaw look! He's making friends with Twilight!", etc...

Eh, I know this may seem like a cop-out, but it was a short, random story, so it's not meant to be something on par with my others. just take it for what it is: a joke.