Not sure how to start this. Um...
Hi I'm Spike! Eh that's no good. Ugh this is hard. Twilight told me to write my feelings down cause its supposed to help with "negative thoughts" but all its doing is make me feel like a doofus.
I guess thats one of those bad thoughts she was talking about. She wants me to believe in myself and believe... believe what exactly? That I am worth something? That my life is actually going some where? That I maybe will be happy...
Okay she may of said I would feel happy but I don't. If anything all I am feeling is fustration! I'm sitting here shaking like a wimp with this stupid quill trying to make myself feel better when I could be doing something productive.
Something useful.
So Twilight won't send me away.
Ah dang it I must be allergic to something in this stupid castle, stupid tear is smudging the ink. I know she wouldn't do that. I know she wouldn't leave me.
But I mean look at this place! She is an Alicorn, she and her friends faught and beat Tirek, saved the day... and what did I do... nothing. All I do is nothing. She doesn't need me.
But I need her.
I hate this! Where would I even go? I don't have anything in common with other dragons and I made such a big scene when I left last time. The only reason Ponies around here even tolerate me is because Im little. I will grow eventually whether I make my own pile of stuff or not and I saw how that played out.
Why... why am I even here? What reason do I have to even exist? I don't think like a dragon, I am not a pony, and the only useful thing I seem to be able to do is be a firebreathing mailbox.
Lets think of something else, I seem to be spiraling here. How about Rarity? Yeah Rarity is a good thing to write about. She makes me feel really good whenever she is around. The way she looks, the sound of her voice, that way she says my name when we talk or I help her out.
I almost told her... I almost told her how I felt about her. She is like the most beautiful dimond I could ever imagine, and if I had her I would need no other for as long as I lived. But Rarity could never be mine, not only am I a loser we are not even the same species.
I wonder... this thought keeps popping up as a scribble away. Why wasn't I just... born a pony? Why do I have to be so different? So akward? So inbetween one world and another without getting to experience the joys of either.
I don't want this life... not the way it is. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it even can be fixed. Everyone is growing up and finding their place and I am this disjointed thing that cannot figure out what it wants to be.
I wrote a lot more than I thought I would. I don't know if I feel better, but... I feel a bit different.
