My little Twilight

Well, I don't know, what to tell you about my life.

I should be Angry! But, I should be a lot of other things as well.

Let's just say, life has lost a lot of it's mystery to me.

Not in a way, I would know them now! … I just didn’t care.

But I guess, with no options, you would see life this way.

There wasn't anything particular I hated about it.

One might say, I'm more then cynical towards politics,

but that’s just how you fill the empty conversations!

If you can't fit in, you rant about the system!

But the system couldn't really help me.

I wasn't good at working and neither at negotiating.

Although, I could see myself, do the same thing

for the rest of my life, employees just wouldn't let me.

They always hired me, to be more then I ever even wanted to be!

In love with my work and the co workers. Faithful to the company.

Present, Innovative and more then all, thankful for it all.

At peace, with one self, … as some might put it.

Know where I put it?

I can't really tell, what's wrong with me.

The laziness and fear of success is obvious!

But lately, I struggle even to get some fun at times.

I just hide away! … Pretend, that I’m different then anybody else anyway!

Just to avoid this final question.

You see, a friend of mine once asked me, when do you write!?

Because, I'm a big Doofus, who likes to write a lot!

So he said, when? … When do you write?

And what I naturally responded was,

when I got something better to do.

See? That's why I say final. … Cause your last words are precious.

That's the sub and total of who I am!

A big loser, who has no more time left.

At least, that's what I think it is.

When I was around 7 or 8, my Mom passed away because of illness.

It was later revealed, that she suffered a rare kind of genetic disease.

Which, in turn, made me and my brothers a target for the same thing.

A lot of things have changed since then.

Basicly, the complete absence of fear towards anything!

We separated from the more simpler needs in life.

Be it love, money or materialistic things.

We thought we were smart, doing so.

Tougher, wiser, … more resilient

I cannot even begin, to tell you, how wrong we were.

Most of it, ever so slightly, resembling some distant dream of sorts.

Like I'm just observing.

It felt like being on the titanic, in it's final moments.

With the only thing audible for me beneath the screams,

being a lonesome and calm string quartet.

The Sickness wouldn't kill us now! … It just bothers me.

Even if we did the test, half of my life was already effected by this emptiness.

And … you don't know by brothers!

If you were to meet them right now,

you still wouldn't get, how much they've changed since then!

That's the thing that kills me!

The Alternative!

I wasn't afraid of being lonely!

I wasn't afraid of being unemployed,

a free loader or psychotic for that matter!

I could live all my life with the sins I committed,

as long as I'm not dragged down by this fate,

slowly creeping up on me and killing me,

just for being part of this family.

I was afraid, that this is the only thing that defines me.

Because at the end, it's not love what I feel towards them.

But an big arrangement of mirrors, surrounding me from every angle.

Reminding me, I couldn't change anything!

All I could do, was hope.

Because, I can't flee … I can't change what happened.

I can't pretend and be someone else, just to get rid of this!

I won't lose this itchy feeling, no matter where on the planet.

But, that's okay I guess.

If this is life's plan, then I would gladly accept it.

And, who knows?

Maybe if I just had someone to talk to,

it wouldn't be nearly as bad?

Cause we all know, … the hope dies last.