WANTED: Villainous Villains. Apply Inside!
As the last petitioner left the court of Ponyville Castle, Princess Twilight Sparkle let out a yawn. It was still fairly early in the afternoon, but she was dead tired. Of course, if she hadn’t stayed up until three in the morning reading Ink: A Comparative Analysis she might not have been quite so worn out. But how could anypony possibly put down a book that analyzed every known type of ink that had existed in the past thousand years? It was even better than the author’s previous book, an investigative and highly enlightening analysis of sofas. All Twilight had to do now was pick up a copy of his book on quills, and she would have the entire award-winning trilogy (in hardcover, no less).
But back to the matter at hand. Twilight only held court once a week, on Thursdays. On that day anypony could come and petition her – not that Twilight had that much power to grant things. Time and time again she had to tell sad little ponies that no, she couldn’t override the decisions of the weather team; no, she couldn’t ask Cheerilee to cancel school the next day; and no, she could not give out cutie marks. However, if the request was reasonable and within her power then she tried to help. Twilight had even agreed to not throw Trixie out the window the next time she came and demanded to be declared the Greatest and Most Powerful pony in all of Equestria (which Trixie did every single Thursday, without fail). So far Twilight had only broken that agreement twice.
As Twilight stepped off her gleaming white throne and stretched, she picked up the checklist of the day’s petitioners and counted them. Forty-two ponies had come by that day, compared to thirty-six the week before. Seeing that list gave her a twinge of guilt over what she had done to Ponyville’s poor mayor. Before Twilight moved into town, the mayor had been the unquestioned head of Ponyville. After Twilight arrived, though, the Mane Six became the ones who saved the day and solved the city’s problems. The mayor’s office suffered a severe loss of prestige when Twilight became an alicorn princess, and what little prominence the mayor had left was utterly crushed when Twilight’s giant crystal castle appeared out of the ground. Sure, the mayor was still technically the mayor. But how could she possibly compete with a group of superheroes?
Twilight made a mental note to give her a 20% discount in the castle’s gift shop. That should make her feel better, she thought happily.
The Princess of Friendship yawned again and checked the time. She then waited twelve seconds, until it was exactly 3pm, and checked the final box on her checklist. Her official day was now over. It was time to turn the castle over to Pinkie Pie for the Villain’s Court.
Long ago in the early days of Equestria, the villain acquisition process (as it had come to be known) had completely lacked organization and structure. Villains attacked whenever they felt like it. Worst of all, any villain could attempt to take over the world, no matter how poorly-thought-out their scheme was or (as Rarity often complained) how hideous their costume might be. On top of that, there was no coordination of schedules! Some inconsiderate villains attacked at the worst possible times, forcing certain poor heroes to reschedule their spa appointments. Those had been truly dark days.
Twilight put a stop to all that. Now, thanks to her battalion of checklists and forms, villainy was kept to a tight schedule and followed strict quality controls. The results spoke for themselves. Rarity’s happiness alone had increased by 36% – and the supervillains of the world had never been better dressed.
When Twilight first announced her plan, Pinkie Pie surprised everyone by volunteering to interview the villains and evaluate their sinister schemes. At first Twilight had her doubts, but she had to admit that Pinkie had done a terrific job. She just seemed to have a sense for these things.
Twilight walked out of the throne room and found Pinkie waiting in the hallway. The pink pony was actually bouncing in anticipation. “Is it – hey, wait a minute. Why do you smell like lemons? And why is your mane all sticky?”
“Never insult a mime,” Twilight replied soberly. “No matter how tempted you might be, and no matter how much they may deserve it, never ever insult a mime. They have very long memories, and they buy fruit in bulk.”
“I wish I’d been there to see it,” Pinkie said wistfully.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of chaos of your own tonight,” Twilight replied. She glanced down the crystal hallway and saw a long line of rather terrifying creatures. Most of them were ponies (a fact that puzzled her, since ponies were almost never selected as world-threatening supervillains), but there were a few horrors and abominations present as well. Twilight was a bit surprised that Queen Chrysalis wasn’t there. She usually had some kind of harebrained scheme that was guaranteed to fail.
“Looks like you’ve got a full slate of applicants today. Think you’ll have any good ones this time?”
“I sure hope so! Last week was such a disappointment. Nopony had any good ideas! But today is going to be different.”
“Oh? Is your Pinkie Sense telling you something?”
“No, it’s just wishful thinking. But sometimes that’s the best kind of thinking! See you later!”
Twilight Sparkle hurried past the long line of supervillains who were plotting her downfall and ran out the front door of her castle. Time for me to call it a day, she thought to herself. I have a date at Sweet Apple Acres with some peace and quiet and I’m not going to be late.
As soon as Twilight was gone, Pinkie gleefully bounced into the throne room and took her seat on her throne – and then immediately hopped right off of it. “Oh wait – I almost forgot!”
Pinkie raced back outside and addressed the villains that were waiting in the hallway. “Listen up, everypony! I’ve got a few things to say before I begin processing applications. First of all, thanks for coming! This is a great turnout. Second, Twilight’s court session is over. If you are here to ask her for a favor then you’ll have to come back next week. I’m only here to accept applications to be Equestria’s next great supervillain. If you are not here to apply to take over the world then you’re going to have to leave.”
“Awww,” a voice said in the background. A sad Trixie left the line and dejectedly walked outside.
“Sorry about that!” Pinkie called out. “I’m sure that Twilight will get to you next time. I have no idea how you got skipped over! Anyway, as I was saying, I’m here to process your applications. Just make a single-file line and Butler Pony will let you in when it’s your turn. First come, first serve! However, when you come inside to be interviewed be sure that you’ve already filled out Form 112-B. Twilight gets very upset if you don’t have the right paperwork.”
“Wait a minute,” the Necromancer bellowed. “Did you say 112-B? Is that different from Form 112?”
“Yes it is! Twilight updated the form a month ago. The new form is the same as the old one, except now we require you to sign a liability waver. If you’re going to attack an alicorn princess, we can’t be held responsible for any damage she might inflict on you.”
“Nuts,” the Necromancer said. Cursing and muttering under his breath, the Prince of the Undead left the line and stormed out of the castle.
Pinkie Pie turned her attention back to the crowd. “That’s right, folks. This is not a drill, so be sure to bring your A-game! We will only accept the best villains. If your plan doesn’t meet Twilight’s strict quality controls then you will be rejected. After all, there are only six of us Elements of Harmony. We don’t have time to face everyone! If you do apply and are rejected, you won’t be allowed to submit a new plan for world domination for another 30 days. Thanks, everypony, and good luck!”
Pinkie Pie trotted back into the throne room, took her seat, and called out to Butler Pony. “Let’s get this party started!”
The first applicant of the day was a confident, green unicorn with a lock pick for a cutie mark. He had a dark-colored mane, a pair of stylish sunglasses, and did not smell like lemons at all. The unicorn levitated his written application to Pinkie, who took it in her hooves and glanced over it. “All right, Dark Meadow. Hey, nice name! Pretty ominous. So what’s your plan?”
“It’s simple and direct,” the pony said proudly. “I’m going to lead a crack team of thieves to seize and destroy the most valuable relics in all of Equestria. That will bring the country to its knees!”
“Neat! I like it already. So what are you going to steal? Celestia’s pajamas? The legendary Shard of Pure Sugar from Canterlot Bakery?”
“I’ve got something lined up that’s even better than that,” he said, rubbing his two front hooves together. “I’m going to steal the Elements of Harmony!”
Pinkie groaned. “Oh, not that again. Really, ponies? Don’t you ever read the instructions? Why do you think we give you instructions in the first place?”
“What do you mean?” Dark Meadow asked, confused. “It’s a great plan. Without the Elements of Harmony, Equestria would be defenseless. It’s foolproof!”
Pinkie sighed. “First of all, it’s been done before. Nightmare Moon destroyed the Elements right after Twilight found them. We then used the magic of friendship to recreate them – which is something you’d know if you had been paying attention. Even Discord wasn’t foolish enough to try to destroy them! Second, the Elements of Harmony no longer exist. How are you going to steal something that doesn’t exist?”
“They don’t exist? But – how is that possible? I thought–”
Pinkie Pie waved the form in front of his face and tapped it with her hoof. “Box 5B clearly asks, ‘Did you do your homework before you came up with this plan?’ And the correct answer is no, you did not. You are not prepared to take over Equestria. Your poorly-conceived plan is officially rejected!”
Pinkie stamped REJECTED on his application and handed it back to the sad pony, who slowly walked out of the room. “Next!”
It wasn’t until the fifth pony came in that things got interesting. “I have a most wonderful plan,” Moonlit Shade cackled. “A most wonderful plan indeed! Its wonderfulness chills my sinister soul.”
“You know, I think you’re right,” Pinkie Pie said approvingly as she reviewed her form. “I love your costume – black pointy hat, bone necklace, and an awesome cloak covered in cryptic, glowing runes. And you get bonus points for wearing an eyepatch! But your idea is even better – I think it’s got great potential. Can you elaborate?”
“It is very, very simple,” she said in a deep, gravelly voice. “At the stroke of midnight I will unleash a wave of sinister dark magic across the land. The graves will open in a sinister fashion and the dead will arise! The zombie ponies will invade Equestria and threaten the living with their sinister ways. It will be a night of terrible horror and darkness!”
“I love it!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It sounds triply-sinister. Can we schedule this for Nightmare Night?”
“I suppose so,” Moonlit Shade said slowly. “Would that be best for you?”
“You bet! We’ve been looking for a good Nightmare Night adventure and this will fit the slot nicely. I’ll go ahead and pencil you in, but you’ll get the formal paperwork in the mail. You’re just the sort of villain we’ve been looking for!”
Pinkie Pie stamped APPROVED on her application. She then kept the pink copy and handed the blue copy back to the unicorn. Moonlit Shade cackled gleefully and exited the throne room in triumph.
“That’s one success,” Pinkie said happily. “Woohoo! Let’s see who else we’ve got.”
The next pony, however, was not a success. “I have a very simple plan,” Ninja Rose said in a quiet and soft voice. “I will lead my team of highly-skilled assassins into Canterlot. In the dead of night we will sneak into the palace and assassinate the entire leadership of Equestria. The streets will run red with blood!”
Pinkie gasped. “Absolutely not! Are you out of your mind?”
“What do you mean?” she asked. “It is a good plan.”
Pinkie held up the form that Rose had submitted and poked it with her hoof. “Question 12C: ‘Is your plan appropriate for all ages?’ Didn’t you read that? What did you think that meant?”
“But what if the ponies are killed off-camera? We can even do it painlessly, if you wish. My assassins are very skilled.”
“No buts! Equestria is a family-friendly place. Blood, guts, and gore are absolutely out of the question! No matter what, nopony can die. What kind of place do you think this is? Do you think we’re living in some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland? Why, a plan like this could get us kicked right off the network!”
Ninja Rose looked confused. “The network? I do not understand.”
“You definitely don’t understand,” Pinkie agreed. She stamped REJECTED on Rose’s application six times and handed it back to her. “Ninjas are really super cool and all, but if you want to attack Equestria you’ll have to do it in a family-friendly way. Come back when you have a plan that seven-year-olds can watch. Next!”
After Rose left the room, a winged blue pony with a bright, rainbow-colored mane flew in. “Oh, hey there Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie called out. “So you want to be a villain?”
“You bet,” Dash said excitedly. She dropped down and landed in front of Pinkie. “I bet I’d be awesome at it! I could totally take on anyone.”
“Interesting – very interesting,” Pinkie said. “So where’s your form?”
“Form? What form?”
“Your villain application form, of course! Where is it?”
“Aw, c’mon, Pinkie. You don’t really expect me to fill out some dumb form, do you? Wait until you hear–”
“No buts!” Pinkie interrupted.
“But I didn’t say ‘but’,” Dash complained.
“Rules are rules! If you want to take over Equestria you have to fill out the right paperwork, just like everypony else. If you don’t then the Princess of Checklists will become very, very irritated. She might burst into flames, and – well, it would be bad. So: no form, no dice.”
“Awwww,” Rainbow whined. She turned around and flew out of the room.
“Sorry, Dashie! Ok, Butler Pony, send in the next one!”
This time a red pegasus walked into the room. She had a long, flowing mane, and a turnip for a cutie mark. “My name is Crimson Shire, and I have a plan that–”
“Form, please,” Pinkie interrupted.
“Oh – sorry.” The pegasus handed Pinkie her filled-out application. “As I was saying, my plan is to–”
“Does this say what I think it says?” Pinkie asked, interrupting. “This claims you want to forge a ring of power in the heart of a mountain and use it to cover the land in darkness!”
“Exactly! Is that awesome, or what?”
“Seriously? A ring of power? Are you trying to get us sued for copyright violations?”
“I could call it something else,” Crimson offered. “And I guess it doesn’t have to be a ring. What about a horseshoe of power?”
“Sorry,” Pinkie Pie said firmly. She stamped REJECTED on her application and handed it back to her. “If you want to be a villain you have to at least try to be original. No cheating! Next!”
This time a tall stallion walked into the room. The earth pony politely handed Pinkie his application, and then waited in silence.
“Hello there, um, Emerald Specter,” Pinkie said, reading his application. “Hmmm. Everything is filled out and in order – nice, nice, very nice. It says here that your plan is to find the long-lost Elements of Discord and use them to spread chaos and panic?”
The pony nodded, but said nothing.
“Neat! I didn’t even know there were Elements of Discord. I wonder where they came from? Oh well. Anyway, it sounds like a great plan to me. Your handwriting is also very neat, which is a plus! The only problem I see is that you want to attack us on a Monday. I’m afraid that Saturday morning is the only timeslot we have available.”
“But I’m busy then,” Specter protested. “Why can’t we battle each other on a Monday?”
“Because the networks assigned us a Saturday morning timeslot,” Pinkie explained. “If you launch your attack on any other day you won’t get any coverage. Your plan might be great, but did it really happen if no one sees it?”
Emerald Specter sighed. “I suppose I can reschedule my Saturday morning appointment.”
“Great!” Pinkie stamped APPROVED on his form. “Then we’re in business. Next!”
As he left, a white pegasus flew into the room. She circled the room twice, dropped her application on Pinkie’s head, and then landed in front of her throne. “Hi! I’m Sandy Dawn, and I can’t wait to fight you ponies. It’ll be great! I promise that I’ll be the meanest, most despicable villain you’ve ever seen.”
“Hiya, Sandy,” Pinkie said cheerfully. She read over the mare’s application. “Looks like everything is in order. Well, almost everything. Are you really wearing a cape?”
“You bet!” Dawn said cheerfully. She whirled around, giving Pinkie a good look at her bright red cape. “Isn’t it awesome? It’s a key part of my master plan! You see–”
“No, it’s not awesome! Didn’t you read the instructions? It’s right there under ‘approved villain apparel’. No capes!”
“But I like capes!” Dawn pouted. “Without a cape, villains just look like goofballs wearing their underwear in public. Capes add dramatic flair and style! There was a whole article about it in the latest issue of Villains Monthly.”
“Sorry,” Pinkie replied. “Capes are a health hazard and our insurance doesn’t cover them. Don’t you know how dangerous they can be? You might snag it on something and get sucked into a jet engine – right in front of an audience of small children! You don’t want that to happen, do you?”
“But Superpony wears a cape,” Dawn pointed out.
Pinkie eyed her carefully. “Are you an imaginary indestructible pony from the planet Krypton?”
“Um, no, but–”
“Then no capes!” Pinkie exclaimed. She stamped REJECTED on Dawn’s application and handed it back to her. “Come back when you have a better costume design. If you can’t think of one, submit Form 1078-F and Rarity will offer her suggestions. Next!”
“We don’t even have jet engines in Equestria,” Dawn mumbled bitterly. “This is so unfair.”
After Dawn left the room, a pulsing mass of strangeness materialized in front of Pinkie. She couldn’t really tell what it was, but it definitely wasn’t a pony. In fact, it was beyond description. Pinkie wasn’t sure that she saw it as much as she felt it. It appeared to be a giant, misshapen blob of blackness that was full of elbows and hands – and yet, at the same time, it was utterly featureless. It was everywhere and filled the room, and yet it was so small you could hold it. Its very existence seemed to be a contradiction in terms. Looking at it was like starting into nothingness and then having nothingness stare back into you.
Even though Pinkie was almost convinced that this abomination was just an optical illusion, it had filled out the right form. The unknowable mass levitated the piece of paper and sent it through the air to Pinkie Pie, who delicately grabbed it with her hooves.
“Um, hi there,” Pinkie said. She carefully scrutinized the form. Every line was filled out in extremely neat handwriting – but the letters were completely alien. In fact, she wasn’t even sure that it was a language at all.
Pinkie cleared her throat. “Well, um, I see you filled out the form, which is good. I can work with that. What’s your name?”
The dark mass from beyond the void spoke. Or maybe it didn’t speak, and Pinkie just felt its words grate against her subconscious. There was simply no way to tell.
“RnaBWDtrlIY”
“What was that?” Pinkie asked. “I didn’t quite catch that.”
“I sAid MY nAme IS RnaBWDtrlIY.”
“Oh,” Pinkie said. “Well, that’s kind of hard to pronounce. Let’s give you a stage name of Bob, ok?” Pinkie picked up a pencil and scribbled a note on the creature’s application. “So, um, since I can’t read any of this, I guess I’ll just ask a few questions. Bob, what’s your plan to take over the world?”
“I Am the vOid. I Am dArknESs and nOThing. I aM bEYond knOWleDe and bENeATh cOMpreHEnsIon. I wILl deFEat yOu wITh unKNowlEDge.”
“Ok,” Pinkie said slowly. “I guess that might work. But how could we possibly draw you?”
“WhAT?”
“You know – draw you! You’re kind of hard to draw. In fact, I’m not even sure you really exist on this mortal plane. Is there any good way to represent you, artistically speaking? Could we use a symbol, or maybe a clown or something?”
“I Am bEYonD tHat,” the unknowable entity replied.
“Yeah, you definitely are, and that’s kind of going to be a problem. If we can’t draw you then this whole thing isn’t going to work. A monster that can’t be drawn just doesn’t work very well in a visual medium, you know what I mean? Even though your appearance is super-amazing, I’m afraid it’s a deal-breaker.”
“A pITy,” the monster replied. It lurched around the room and then phased out of existence.
The next contender for villainy was much more photogenic. A giant blob of purple goo oozed into the room and covered the entire floor. It then stretched out an appendage and handed Pinkie Pie a form.
“Why, hello there, Purple Smooze!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. “It’s so great to see a repeat villain from an earlier generation. I’ll give you double points just for that. And you even filled out the form! So it looks like you want to cover Equestria in a sea of self-replicating goo?”
“That’s right,” the Smooze replied. “And sing songs about it, too.”
“Well, songs are always good,” Pinkie agreed. “There’s just one thing, though. It says here that you are unstoppable. Aren’t we supposed to defeat you with rainbows or something?”
“Oh, I fixed that. Now I’m rainbow-proof! Nothing can stop me!”
Pinkie sighed. “See, that’s actually not a point in your favor. Do you see Section 22-Z, where it says ‘Key weaknesses’? You’re not allowed to say ‘there isn’t one’. You need to have a weakness so we can beat you.”
“Why would I ever want that?” the Smooze asked. “Doesn’t that defeat the whole point?”
Pinkie Pie pointed a hoof at the door. “Did you see all the other villains that were lined up out there?”
The Smooze nodded.
“Tell me something. If you attack Equestria and cover everything in your smooze, how are they going to get a turn to attack? There won’t be an Equestria left for them to conquer!”
“But I want to win,” the Smooze pouted.
“Sorry,” Pinkie said. “Each villain has to leave everything more or less intact so the next villain can make their attempt. It’s right there in the rules.” Pinkie stamped REJECTED on the application. “Come back to us when you have a weakness, and then we can talk. Next!”
The next few applicants had failed to fill out the proper form, so Pinkie had Butler Pony show them the door. Then, to her surprise,
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo proudly walked into the room.
“Well, hello, fillies!” Pinkie said. “What are you three doing here?”
The little ponies spoke in unison. “We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we want to take over Equestria!”
Apple Bloom handed Pinkie their filled-out application. Pinkie glanced over the form. “But why do you want to take over Equestria?”
“To get our cutie marks, of course!” Scootaloo said.
“That’s right!” Sweetie Belle replied. “We want to be Cutie Mark Crusader Revolutionaries. We’re going to lead an uprising against Princess Celestia!”
“Yeah!” Scootaloo said. “We’re going to overthrow her and make Rainbow Dash the queen.”
“No, we’re going to set up a democracy,” Apple Bloom argued.
Pinkie interrupted. “It looks like you have a real winner here! This has ratings gold written all over it. I approve this plan, and give it three woo-hoos for good measure!”
Pinkie stamped APPROVED on their form three times and handed back the blue copy. “I don’t know what timeslots we still have available, but I’ll find one and let you know. In fact, I’ll make one if I have to! Once we have the details worked out I’ll mail you the confirmation and the paperwork. Good luck!”
The next pony who entered the room was a yellow earth pony. She was wearing a stained white lab coat and had a slightly crazed look on her face.
“I’m Violet Gem,” she replied. “I trust that my paperwork is in order.”
Pinkie scanned it carefully. “Well, everything looks ok to me. Hold on a second! Does this say what I think it says?”
“Indeed,” Violet said gleefully. “Have you ever seen such a deviously evil plan?”
Pinkie quickly stamped REJECTED on it. Then she shuddered and stamped REJECTED on it five more times. Then, for good measure, she set the application on fire.
“Oh come on,” Violet protested. “It was a great idea!”
Pinkie looked at her in horror. “Your plan is to give superpowers to Derpy Hooves – the most clumsy and accident-prone pony in all of Equestria. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard! Do you realize what would happen if you did that?”
“It would be the end of everything!” Violet exclaimed.
“You bet it would,” Pinkie agreed. “My answer is a firm, solid no. Not under any circumstances! Next!”
The rest of the applicants were uneventful. Then, at the very end of Pinkie’s court session, one last pony entered the room. This mysterious figure wore a dark brown cloak that hid her features. Without saying a word she silently floated her application toward Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie took the application and glanced at the name. “Oh, hey, Twilight. What’s up?”
Twilight pulled back the hood of her cloak so that Pinkie could see her face. “For too long I have lurked in the shadows. For too long I have done all of the work and received none of the credit. It is time that I took what was rightfully mine!”
“I see,” Pinkie commented. She glanced at the form and saw that Twilight had submitted 92 pages of detail. “Um, why don’t you just summarize your evil scheme and we’ll go from there?”
“It’s actually very simple,” Twilight said, adopting a lecturer’s tone. “I will use my position as Princess of Friendship to spread harmony and joy throughout the land. I will make friends with everyone. When Equestria is in danger, I will rise to the occasion and defeat it. When Celestia is captured, I will rescue her. I will save the lives of all the ponies, and I will do it week after week.”
“Really?” Pinkie frowned. “But Twilight, that’s not evil. Where does the evil part come in?”
“Don’t you see? All of the ponies will come to love me. All of them! They will look to me as their leader – not Celestia. They will see me as their rightful ruler and motherly protector. Celestia and Luna will become mere figureheads with no actual authority. Since all the ponies will be loyal to me, I will wield the true power. I will rule over them all!”
Twilight raised her voice and began to radiate an eerie light. “In place of a princess you will have a queen, beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea and stronger than the foundations of the world! All shall love me and despair.”
Pinkie Pie said nothing. She looked at the application, and then she looked back at Twilight. “Have you been getting into Applejack’s cider stash again?”
Twilight burped. “Maybe.”
Pinkie tossed Twilight’s application onto the pile. “Well, Galadriel, if you want to save the life of everypony I’m sure not going to stop you. All I ask is that if you do decide to become queen, please don’t grow another pair of wings. One is enough.”
“What? But Pinkie, that doesn’t even make any sense!”
Pinkie patted Twilight on the head. “Good night, princess. See you tomorrow!”
Pinkie Pie then bounded out of the room, leaving behind a very confused Twilight, a floor stained with smooze, and a small stack of approved villain applications.
Author's Note
Twilight's crazy speech at the end was taken from the movie THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (which is one of my all-time favorite films). If you haven't seen that movie then I feel sorry for you, because it was amazing. I had to tweak Galadriel's speech (which I'm sure is on Youtube somewhere) just a bit to make it fit our favorite purple pony princess, but I think it was worth the effort.
Lesson Zero might just be my favorite MLP episode. I love it when Twilight loses her mind. It make for some great comedy.
