My Little Pony: Friendship is Brutal

Twilight landed with a thud on the hard floor of what she assumed to be her tree home. She had just finished spinning in forty different directions at once, the result of critical spell failure.

"Spike!" Twilight called, yelling into the floor. "I really need an ice pack." She let out something between a grunt and a sigh as she squeezed her temples with her hooves.

When her number one assistant failed to respond, ten seconds later, she yelled for him again, and was rewarded by steps coming to a stop on both sides of her. The footsteps ended, followed by a quick series of clicks.

"Spike?" Twilight said weakly, a lump forming in her throat.

A few whispers went up and quickly died down.

“I need an ice pack now!” The throbbing in her head wiped away any thoughts of politeness.

A thought occurred to her, "Pinkie if this is another surprise party I can't handle loud noises right now. My head feels like it was just split in half eight times over."

"It talks sir, what should we do with it?" A male voice spoke up, clearly not one Twilight could recognize.

The rather perceptive unicorn got the distinct impression, even with her splitting headache, all was not well.

"Should we just kill it?" Another male voice suggested.

"No." A voice much closer to the prone filly asserted, "This thing may be relevant to the masters' intrests, they were talking about ponies this morning."

When Twilight had deduced that the it they were talking about killing was noneother than her; she chanced a peak at her surroundings, parting her messy mane slightly.

It was those creatures, ones she had wanted to believe were only in her haunted dreams. Now Twilight lay in an unfamiliar metal corridor, surrounded by these somethings that were pointing metal rectangles at her. Taking in all of this at once did little to help her headache.

Killing me would be a lot less painful than this headache. Twilight hid her eyes from the light again, almost accepting her fate. Images from her dreams of the ways these things killed each other made her reconsider what her priorities really were. Having lava boiled coffee poured on you, and not dying seemed a fair bit more painful than suffering through a comparatively minor headache.

Twilight didn’t have very long to contemplate which of the ways she’d dreamed of dying would be worse before an arm worked it’s way under her belly, lifting her from the ground. She weakly flailed her legs before realizing the extra movement was making her nauseous. She gave up and went limp, now focusing on a proper escape plan.

“This thing is heavier than it looks.” The thing carrying her grumbled. That comment killed her mood, and on top of the headache made her feel genuinely bad.

“It stopped talking, is it still breathing?” Twilight’s ears twitched as she involuntarily tracked the speakers’ voices, trying to count how many were present.

It took Twilight some time too take offense to all the comments about her, until she was sure she’d counted all the voices.

“I’m a she and I’m not heavy!” She declared indignantly. “Put me down or else.”

“This thing just threatened me, that’s funny.” Her captor’s laughter bounced Twilight slightly, contributing greatly to her discomfort.

“She, she!” Twilight corrected in vain. “That’s it I’m getting out of here.” She prayed she could concentrate enough to attempt any sort of magic.

Focusing her will to the tip of her horn, she tried to manifest even a small teleportation spell; enough to get her away from this group. Instead her headache flared, and a shower of sparks fell harmlessly to the floor.

“Was that your ‘or else?’” He asked mockingly. “Just hang there and- OW!”

Twilight’s teeth came down on the creature’s hand with as much force as she could manage. She hit the floor with a thud, but started moving as soon as she could. She ran for all she was worth; all the Klokateers could see was a purple streak disappearing around a corner, frantic hoofbeats fading into the maze that was the Mordhaus tunnels.

It took several tries before Twilight found a room without blood stains, bloody corpses, or more of those creatures in it. By the time she found a tarp in the corner of an empty room, and was curled up under it, she was completely spent, and terrified.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Princess Celestia paced back and forth in her private chambers. She'd been a fool to dismiss her magically gifted student's dreams as simple dreams. Celestia as well as most of Equestria had felt the surge of hostile, foreign power.

The slightly disturbed goddess was trying to determine what had happened to her student. She knew Twilight was involved, because of the huge burst of a much more familiar magic that had distracted her from her royal duties. It was a similar sensation to the first time she'd met Twilight as a little filly, when a series of magical mishaps left a school room in ruins. This had time felt only a little more focused than the first, and this time Twilight was nowhere to be found.

"Sister, you wanted to see me?" Celestia's younger sister entered slowly.

"I need you to manage the kingdom for a while." Celestia stated simply.

"What's wrong?" Luna had suddenly become very interested in her sister's problems. "Is this about that magic surge earlier, it was probably just a spell gone wrong."

"No Luna, it was one of Twilight's spells gone wrong. It is a much more urgent matter."

“What are you planning to do then?”

“I must consult some very old sources, I’ll be gone a while.” The double doors to the balcony flew open flooding the room in sunlight, “I’m trusting that you can take care of things for a few days.” Without giving any time for voicing concerns, Celestia stepped onto the balcony, spread her wings and disappeared with one powerful flap of her wings.

Luna shook her head, and walked slowly to the throne room; she would have to grant audience to every single citizen in Canterlot with some concern over the magical disturbance. That likely meant all of them. As far as the princess of the night was concerned, it was going to be a brutal “few” days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey guys, I think I have the first song down.” Nathan entered the room in the same manner he had just this morning.

“Great, so what?” Murderface was playing five-finger fillet next to a half empty bottle of scotch.

“So I- Pickles where are you going, I’m trying to tell you all something.”

“Dude chill out I’m just getting something to drink. This pony crap has got you all worked up, you know?” Pickles said defensively, grabbing several beers from the black-metal fridge. “I think you just need to have a few drinks, and some down time before you go making a whole album about dream ponies.”

Beers changed hands and Nathan sat down at the head of the table.

“Maybe you’re right.” Nathan downed his beer.

“Maybe you ares become the sissy mans like Tokis?” Skwisgaar offered.

“I’m am not a sissys, I just have a sensitive side.” Toki grumped.

“That’s what being a sissy is.” Skwisgaar had managed to get everyone off topic yet again.

“That’s it! I don’t have to put up with this, I’m going to my room!” Toki ran out of the room.

“Toki we’re about to record a song, get back here.” Nathan yelled after the brown haired sissy.

“No!”

“Fuck him, we don’t need him for this anyways. Let’s get going.”

Murderface put his knife in the table and grabbed his bottle on the way out. He still had all of his fingers, a testament to his drunken skill, or his incredibly dumb luck.

“Alright, I’ll sing a few lines and you guys work off that.” Nathan instructed, once everyone was set up in the recording studio.

“Yeah okay dude, let’s do this.” Pickles tested his bass pedals.

Nathan cleared his throat and put on his reading glasses.

My little ponies, my little ponies. Rraaaaaaaaaaaaghh-

Twilight shot up straight, causing her horn to poke a hole in the tarp she’d fallen asleep under. A sound unlike any she’d ever heard had brought her back to the waking world. It was monstrous, and magical; new to her ears, but it called to her in a familiar way.

Her current crises forgotten, and her headache washed away by the enchanting howl, Twilight began navigating the concrete, pipe-filled maze with ease. Before long, she found herself in a considerably more pleasant environment. While still dark in theme, it was free of blood stains and corpses, it also had carpet.

The purpose driven filly met no resistance on the way to the source of whatever was calling to her. It wasn’t until her nose smacked into a set of large, locked double-doors, that she remembered exactly where she was. Twilight began to panic when she realized she was in the middle of a hallway, completely exposed to whatever happened to be passing by.

For whatever reason, the beastial sounds coming from the other side of the door had brought her here. In her panic, that said to her that it couldn’t be all bad. She knocked hard several times, praying to Celestia that someone would hear her. It did nothing, and the noise continued to fill the air around her.

A group of voices started coming closer, barely audible over the noise slightly hindered by the door. They sounded familiar.

At last she resolved to break down the door standing between her and perceived safety.Twilight hastily picked up a marble bust with her magic, and prepared herself for a sprint into the room beyond. The bust flew at the door, and bounced back at the frantic filly; she yelped and ducked allowing it to pass over her harmlessly.

Moments after the chunk of marble hit the door, the noise stopped. Alarmed shouts filled the halls, and dozens of boots were quickly closing in on Twilight’s location. She was just about to give up when the door opened slightly, revealing another of those creatures; smaller in stature than other’s she’d encountered, though it still maintained a serious glare. Twilight saw it’s glasses, and took a small bit of comfort from knowing that these creatures could have flaws just like ponies. She trembled at the ever growing sound of boots stomping through corridors.

Ofdensen spotted the shaking, lavender mound with pink streaks, and simply stared. His eyes spoke volumes of his disbelief; a thing Nathan had dreamed of lay on the floor before him.

Twilight saw the room that she wholeheartedly believed offered safety; the door was open, and she had nowhere else to go. She darted into the room before Charles could say a word. She became a purple blur for the second time that day, Rainbow Dash would be proud.

Twilight made a b-line to a corner as far from the door as possible, there she huddled in fear of her life. Her hope was wiped clean as her imaginary safety zone was shattered; in the middle of the room, staring back at her, were the five, the five gods. Those five gods from her nigthmare that left thousands dead in their wake, and she’d just trapped herself in a room with them.

The little lost pony finally quit, and began to bawl like a foal. It was a truly pathetic sight.

“What the hells is that things?” Skwisgaar looked to the bands caretaker.

“It appears to be a small, purple horse with a piece of bone protruding from its head. It also appears to be crying.” Ofdensen refused to say ‘It’s a unicorn.’ because he wasn’t ready to accept what he was seeing.

“Charles you fucking maniac, get over here.” Nathan dropped the his mic, and moved over to Ofdensen with open arms. He forced the considerably smaller man into a hug and said, “You said you couldn’t do it so you could surprise me? You’re awesome.”

Offedensen patted Nathan’s back. “Yes, well I’m not entirely sure-” He was suddenly pushed away.

“Quit hugging me homo!” Nathan said angrily. A pat on the back was evidently a step too far, Charles should have known that.

“As I was saying, I’m not sure what that is exactly, but I didn’t make it.” He readjusted his glasses and straightened his tie.

“Wow so you just go around taking credit for other people’s work? That’s illegal or something isn’t it?”

“Yeah man that’s not cool, I think you can go to jail for that or something, I don’t know.” Pickles put in.

“It’s just a stupid, purple, mutant horse. What’s the big deal?” Murderface walked over to Twilight and gave her a sharp kick to the ribs.

Twilight’s quiet sobs returned to crying from the pain of a boot to her side.

“Murderface, knock it off!” Nathan quickly moved over and shoved the pony kicker with a palm to the face.

“Fuck you!” Murderface shouted as he fell back.

“Through the crying and the pain, Twilight was almost sure she’d just been saved by one of these things.She rolled to her non-bruised side because turning her head was too much effort, and saw that it was the black haired one standing over her; a leader, by what she’d seen of him in her nightmare.

“It looks just like the one with the psychopath teacher, I wonder who made it.” Nathan spotted the large bruise forming on Twilight’s side. “Wow Murderface, you left a huge mark on this thing. Are you wearing steel toed boots or something?”

“Yeah, I figure if some asshole won’t shut up when I yell at him then a steel toed kick to the balls would do the trick.” He still hadn’t stood back up.

“Yeah, I bet it would too. That’s actually not a bad idea.” Forgetting the whimpering pony for a moment, Nathan turned to Offdensen, who was talking to a couple Klokateers in the hall. “Hey Charles! I need some steel toed boots.”

“I’ll get on that Nathan.” Offdensen replied, slightly distracted by the the news he was receiving.

“Alright, cool.”

“Hey Nathan dude, if it has that mutation thing like Murderface said, doesn’t that mean it’s like retarded or something? I don’t know if we want a retarded horse around here.”

“I’ms with Pickles on this ones, it would be likes the untrained puppys peeings everywhere.” Skwisgaar came to stand next to Nathan.

“We’ll just keep it outside or something, It’s still kind of awesome though.” Nathan shrugged.

“We could find whoever mades this ones, and get hims to do it again maybe?” Skwisgaar suggested.

“Yeah, and if he doesn’t we can kick him in the balls until he does.” Murderface cheered.

“Yeah that might work.” Nathan finally agreed, “Do you think he got it to talk?”

“I don’t know dude, as it.” Pickles joined Nathan and Skiwsgaar.

Murderface tried to join them, but was shoved away again.

“Murderface you can’t come over here, you’re just going to kick it again.”

“Am not!” Murderface crossed his arms.

“Are too.”

“Am not!”

“Yeah dude you probably will.” Pickles sided with Nathan.

“No I wouldn’t, I’m just trying to stand like you dicks!”

“Yeah you- Wait, did you just say ‘dicks... stand’ ?” Nathan chuckled.

“I did, didn’t I?” Murderface started chuckling too.

“We’s is like the standing dicks like the erections, yeah?” Skwisgaar got in on the joke.

“Do you think dicks actually stand? Like do they get up and walk around and stuff?” Pickles tried to analyze the joke.

“I don’t know, they don’t have legs or feet, so probably not.” The laughter died away.

“What were we talking about before this?” Nathan continued.

“Kicking guys in the balls.” Murderface moved slightly closer to the group as he spoke.

“No, we were past that. I think we were talking about- Talking yeah, we were gunna see if this thing could talk.”

“It can talk.” Ofdensen came back to the four of them.

“How would you know dude, you said you didn’t make it.” Pickles waved a drum stick in Charles’ direction.

“I didn’t, a few guards found her , she was very insistent about that, and were going to bring her up here but she bit the man carrying her and ran off. Now she’s here, and it appears she’s been kicked in the side.” Offdensen adjusted his glasses again.

“Murderface was testing out his steel toed boots or something.”

Murderface had made it back to Twilight’s side, and was about to deliver another cruel kick. When Nathan misinformed Charles of what he had done, Murderface felt the need to correct him.

“I was not testing my boots, I know they work just fine. I wanted to kick a fucking horse!”

“Yeah, because you were being a douchebag. That’s a defenseless purple animal, and you just kicked it.”

“That’s not exactly totally cools you knows Murderface.”

“Yes, and since she bit someone, it may have rabies. Harassing it is likely not the best decision.”

“Hear that Murderface? You pissed that thing off and now you’re going to get rabies.” Nathan taunted.

“Am not, I’ll just kill it a drink it’s blood, that’s how you cure rabies.” Murderface lifted his bass into the air.

“That’s not how it works, and please don’t do that.” Offdensen warned.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because, even if she’s rabid, she can still talk. We’re going to take her to a lab for study.”

“Yeah, and if you kill it I’ll kick your ass.”

Murderface through his guitar on the floor, “Whatever I’m going to get a drink.” He left in a huff and slammed the door behind him. From the hallway came, “What are you dickbags looking at?” Followed closely by the sound of a bottle shattering.

Twilight watched all of this play out through a haze of pain and terror. As far as she could tell the larger one with black hair was protecting her, and the one with glasses was fairly reasonable. One of the most painful parts of the whole thing was how incredibly unintelligent most of them seemed to be. Even forgiving the fact that the blond one seemed to have an accent different from all the others, there grammar was very poor, and consisted mainly of vulgarities; some of which no pony could ever have conceived. When mention of a lab and study came up, she crossed him off the list of things to be trusted. She’d accidentally seen some of the “studies” preformed on ponies with life sentences.

“So it does talk then?” Nathan picked out the only thing he cared about in the explaination Charles had given.

“Hey purple unicorn thing, what’s your name?”

“Twilight spark...” She said weakly.

“I think Murderface broke her.”

“No dude her name is Twilight Spark, it’s what she said.”

“Water, please.” Twilight shuffled her fore hooves pointlessly.

“Uhh...” Nathan intoned, looking around the room. He spotted an unopened bottle of beer, and figured it would be good enough.

He popped it open and tried to put it on the floor in front of her. It levitated out of his hand, and up to her lips.

Twilight closed her lips over the mouth of the bottle and began chugging. It wasn’t until it was mostly gone that she noticed the taste, and concluded that this was not in fact water. It was still liquid, and that was good enough for now.

“Damn, that was actually pretty fast.” Nathan complimented, not that Twilight could appreciate it’s meaning.

“My name,” Twilight began with slight confidence, “is Twilight Sparkle. I am a young, unicorn mare, and I do NOT have rabies.”

Offdensen was speechless, which is what a colored pony ought to be. His mind was slowly beginning to accept the impossible.

“Holy crap it really can talk. It’s a talking drinking pony!” Nathan proclaimed.

Pickles shrugged, “I don’t know, I guess that’s kind of cool. Does it do magic or anything?”

“Oh yeah, do you do tricks? You know, other than talking.”

“Do I do tricks? I’m a unicorn! I preform complicated arcane rituals, I’ve read almost every book or spell tome in the royal Canterlot library! I don’t just do ‘tricks’, I do magic.” Forgetting for a moment that she was somewhere far far away from Canterlot, her indignant rage shown through; she was fed up with all the improper terms used in relation to her, it was time to set things straight.

“So you don’t do card tricks?” Nathan asked in disapointment.

“No I don’t do card tricks!” Her forelegs shot up in the air to properly express her anger.

“Nathan I think it actually does magic, it did just levitate a bottle.” Ofdensen reminded the room.

“Yeah dude, I don’t think that David Copperfield guy did card tricks and he was still a magician.”

“It is the talkings unicorns that can drink, what mores could you want?”

“I guess so.” He looked back at Twilight, “So Twilight, what kind of magic can you do?”

“I can teleport easily, levitate heavy objects, and-” It suddenly occurred to Twilight that her list of available spells stretched on into eternity, or at least until every spell possible was created. Being asked to list them put her at a loss to name any specific incantation; that or her first beer ever, that she’d downed in under a minute, was making her memory slightly fuzzy

“Can we see you teleport?” Offdensen requested, taking a few steps forward. He was ready to believe, but he needed some proof.

“Sure can.” Twilight said proudly.

Though it took her a little more time to focus than usual, her horn flared and in a bright flash, she was on the other side of the room. She’d teleported slightly above the floor, and stumbled forward onto her face when she landed.

“Gentlemen, we have witnessed the impossible.” Ofdensen removed his glasses, and wiped them with a cloth.

“Sweet, now what do we do with her?” All eyes fell on Twilight as she picked herself up.

“I’m pretty hungry right now, and I’m feeling thirsty again.” She said sheepishly.

“Awesome, I’m fucking starving right now. Let’s eat.” Nathan hunted, momentarily, for another beer and offered it to Twilight.

Her previous terror forgotten, Twilight had only one question remaining, I wonder what they eat?