An Angry Cowpony in Equestria High

by Justin Daniels

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Fluttershy, Sunset Shimmer, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2706

A short, what-if story. What would've happened if, instead of sending Twilight to Equestria High to get her crown back, they sent Jed in, instead? (Equestria High will NEVER be the same again...)

This story is non-canon, and is not to be taken too seriously!

This story is based on a non-canon, "what-if" moment, involving Jed from my story, "When Opposites Attract".

What would've happened if, instead of sending Twilight to Equestria High to get her crown back, they sent Jed in, instead?

Knowing that the safety of their recently-crowned princess, Twilight Sparkle, would be risked if she were to follow Sunset Shimmer into the mirror to get her crown back, Princess Celestia had an idea... send one of their least tolerated subjects to retrieve it... and possibly catch a break from the terror that his very presence brought to her little ponies.

(She only prays that the inhabitants of the other world would forgive her someday...)

"DARK" tag is there for foul language and death threats. If you don't like cursing, then this story may not be for you.
Also, when I say "non-canon", I'm referring to the "When Opposites Attract" main storyline! (Thank you, Iron Sky, for pointing that out! :twilightsmile: )

Published 2014-09-19 15:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-19 15:00:02 UTC

"This... might've been a HUGE mistake..."

An Angry Cowpony in Equestria High

By Justin Daniels

"No." Jed firmly stated.

"But Jed, it's important!" Fluttershy plead, only for him to cross his arms and turn his head away.

"Forget it!" He retorted.

"Please?" Fluttershy begged again, only this time, she flew up in his face again.

He glared and shook his head. "Hell no! Ya gonna have to find someone else to do that shit for ya!"

He closed his eyes and turned away from her, only to stop when he heard her sniffling. "Damn it... don't do that, Fluttershy."

When he turned around, he noticed Fluttershy was on the ground with her eyes closed, and her expression revealed that she was on the verge of crying.

"I mean it, Fluttershy! Don't ya do that!" Jed pleaded, only for the tears to finally start falling from her eyes. Then, after letting out a long, drawn-out sigh, he stated, "Damn it... FINE, I'LL DO IT!" This caused Fluttershy to instantly cheer up and fly into his chest in a warm hug. "On one condition, though!"

"O-of course!" Fluttershy replied with a smile.

"You'll have to do my chores when this is over with!" He then pointed at the chicken coop, which was loaded with droppings that were scattered across the ground inside the pen.

Fluttershy gulped, but nodded her head with a smile. "Of course! As long as you don't do anything... reckless while I'm not looking."

Jed chuckled at her request. "Don't worry, I won't."

"Pinkie Promise?" Fluttershy asked.

At that, Jed raised his right little finger up, and tapped her hoof... much to her confusion. "Um... not that kind of... Pinkie Promise."

Then, Jed realized the kind of request that his wife was making. He shook his head and pointed his right finger at her with a stern look on his face. "Aww, HELL no! I'd rather be hung by the neck on the top of a flagpole before I even think of doin' that shit!"

That statement caused Fluttershy to worry, before she sighed and looked down with a glum expression on her face... which made Jed sigh again. "But, you got my word, alright? And from where I'm from, a man's entire worth is his word!"

At least that made Fluttershy smile. "Okay... thank you, Jed."

He chuckled and turned around, ready to make another walk through Ponyville. Along the way, he mumbled to himself, "Too bad for y'all, I ain't worth shit, though."

"What was that?" Fluttershy asked from behind him.

He smiled nervously at her before replying, "I said 'let's go on ahead and start this show'."

With a smile, Fluttershy nodded her head. "That's the spirit!" And just like that, the two of them headed through the opening, and made their way to Ponyville.

Ponyville Park

Fluttershy smiled at the scenery, before clearing her throat. "Good news, everyone! He said he'll help us!"

At once, a group of birds perched on a tree began to tweet in excitement, while Jed merely relaxed on a bench in front of the tree with a bored and deadpanned expression on his face. "Can we just get this shit over with now?"

Fluttershy gasped at him, before flying beside him and popping the back of his head. "Jed! Language! There are fillies running around here!"

Jed merely shrugged his shoulders before replying, "Eh, I've said worse while I was still in diapers."

With a sigh, Fluttershy nodded her head. "Please, though... try to keep it to a minimum. Okay? For me?"

Jed merely looked at the tree, but gave her a "thumbs-up", which she already knew the meaning of. "Thank you, Jed..."

Finally, when she turned around, Jed caught the sound of a pair of mares talking to each other about them. "Sweet Celestia! What does that mare even see in that... thing?!"

With a sigh, Jed pulled one of his revolvers out, and shot it between their hooves, which caused them to jump, and stare at him with wide eyes.

"If y'all wanna know, you'll have to learn how to shut the fuck up, and mind your own damn business!" Again, Jed was popped in the back of the head by an enraged Fluttershy. "OW! Damn it, woman! That one actually hurt!"

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" Fluttershy plead, before shaking her head, and glaring at him again. "I-I mean... Jed! H-how could you?! They were just talking about that couple over there!" She pointed her hoof at, what appeared to be, a mare sitting next to a Changeling in the corners of a picnic basket.

"...Oh." Jed mumbled, before turning to the petrified mares. "The 'thing' is called a 'Changeling', dumbass. Get it right next time, and ya won't suffer the aftermath of an identity crisis... alright?"

The mares nodded their heads before running away in a full gallop.

"Bunch of low-lives." Jed mumbled, only to get popped again. "WHAT THE HELL, FLUTTERSHY?! I DIDN'T EVEN CURSE, THAT TIME!" Jed complained.

Fluttershy crossed her forehooves and replied, "You shouldn't be so mean to ponies like that!"

Then Jed looked back at the distant couple and pointed at them. "Well they shouldn't have been so mean to that poor Changeling over there!"

Fluttershy nodded her head, while her expression remained unchanged. "While it was wrong on their part, it doesn't mean you have to do something wrong on your part, mister! Two wrongs doesn't make a right!"

Jed rolled his eyes and nodded his head. "Alright, then! Can we just get this damn show over with, already? I'm getting hungry over here!"

With a nod, Fluttershy flew back up to the birds in the trees, and smiled. "Okay, let's take it from the top!" At once, the birds stood in formation. "A one... a two... a one, two, three-"

"FLUTTERSHY! JED!" A distant mare's voice called out in a worried tone.

Fluttershy "Eep"ed out of nervousness, while Jed pulled his pistol out, and shot at the ground instinctively, causing the mare to stop in her tracks... Princess Twilight Sparkle, herself.

"J-JED! WHAT IN EQUESTRIA ARE YOU THINKING?!" Twilight screeched out of pure nervousness.

"(Damn it, I missed...) Sorry, Twilight! Thought you were someone trying to attack Fluttershy, and gave a warning shot!" Jed replied, only to get popped in the back of his head by Fluttershy once more. "Now, we are gonna have a talk about this, woman!"

"No time! Something terrible has just happened, and I really need your help!" Twilight cried out, with a nervous look on her face.

Jed hummed to himself for a moment, before replying, "How about... go fuck yourself?" *POP* "OW, WOMAN!"

Twilight, however, didn't seem fazed by his rudeness. "P-please, Jed! It's really important! In fact, the fate of Equestria lies in your option, now!"

"Bullshit, now go bother someone else." Jed replied unfazed. *POP* "FUCKING HELL!" *POP* "STOP THAT, DAMMIT!"

Twilight sighed, and fell on her haunches with a few streams of tears in her eyes. "P-please... I'll do anything for you..."

Jed looked at the crying Alicorn, and sighed before walking up to her. When she looked up at him, she noticed that he had, what appeared to be, a sad expression on his face... which brought hope in her eyes once more.

Then, the hope vanished when his lips formed a weak smile, while he shook his head, and replied, "Well, too bad you're lookin' for someone who gives a shit, ain't cha?" She then lowered her head, and began to cry, while Jed walked away, surprisingly unfazed by the crying Alicorn.

Then, when he made it to Fluttershy, he noticed her giving him a saddened expression, also. "Aw, damn it! Not you too!" This time, there were two crying mares around him, which only made him feel even more uneasy... but more specifically, Fluttershy was one of those two.

"Oh, FUCKING HELL! ALRIGHT, ALREADY!" Jed yelled, which caught both mares' attention... and a few others who were looking around at the commotion. Jed then pulled his revolver out again, and shot at the ground. "FLUTTERSHY AND TWILIGHT! IF YOUR NAME ISN'T ONE OF THOSE, THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND STOP EAVESDROPPING!" This, of course, made the unwanted attention go away instantly.

Then, Jed looked at Twilight, and deadpanned. "Fine, then... stop bitching around, and take us there."

Twilight smiled, and stood back up. "Oh, thank you, Jed!"

She flew towards him with her forelegs stretched out, but before she could even get close, Jed blocked her with his right hand over her chest. "Don't even think about it."

With an annoyed grunt, Twilight flew back. "Oh, fine then! I won't hug you! Anyways, we need to get to Canterlot immediately! I'll tell you what happened, and what we need you for on the way up there."

Jed shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head. "Alright, then... let's go!" And just like that, they were on their way to Canterlot, where the adventure would begin.

When they were at the entrance to the throne room, Twilight requested that she speak with Princess Celestia alone first. Without even waiting for an answer, she went on through the doors past the guards, who bowed their heads at her respectively.

What she didn't consider, however, was that Jed was following her there. When he was too close to the entrance, the guards blocked his passage with their wings and said, "Halt! Sorry, but you need permission from a princess in order to enter the-"

"Ooh, how nice of y'all to offer me Pegasus Wings for dinner tonight! My next batch is due next week!" Jed stated, which caused all eyes around him to widen, and for Fluttershy to plant her face in her right hoof.

The guards gasped nervously and folded their wings again, while Jed carried Fluttershy past them, and into the Throne Room.

"D-did he just say..." one of the guards began, only for the other to nod his head.

"Y-yes... I think he did..." the other replied, before the two of them fainted.

"Was that really necessary, Jed?" Fluttershy whispered, only for Jed to chuckle.

"Well we made it past them, didn't we?" Jed replied, only for Fluttershy to sigh.

"Sometimes... I just wish you wouldn't say such things in public."

Before Jed could respond, Princess Celestia cleared her throat. "Jed, Fluttershy, welcome! I take it Twilight filled you both in on what is needed to be done?"

Jed rolled his eyes and replied, "Yeah, yeah... heard it a million times, Princess Solar-Ass." The room gasped at that statement, before Fluttershy popped him in the back of the head again. "What?! It's her name, isn't it?!"

"Princess Celestia." Celestia corrected.

"Molestia, whatever!"

"CELESTIA!" Princess Celestia grumbled, now with an annoyed look on her face.

"The-Rest-Of-Ya, fuck it, I don't even give a shit! I'm just here to find some stupid crown in a stupid world behind a stupid mirror! Ya mind taking me to this mirror, Sun-Bitch?"

The entire room was silent, and all jaws were dropped... except for Jed's. Even Celestia's jaw was wide open... no creature alive has ever spoken to her like that... so no responses were even thought up at the time.

Finally, after a moment of silence, Celestia looked at a pair of guards, and nodded to them. They, in turn, saluted her, before running into a hallway, and emerging with a large, purple-rimmed mirror between them.

"Now, I must warn you, Jed! Whatever lies ahead, none of us are even aware-" Celestia began, only to be cut off by Jed walking right past her.

"Yeah, yeah, cut the bullshit. One crown, comin' up!" With that, he walked up to the mirror, and in a white pulse that resembled the waves of an object going in water, he disappeared upon stepping into it.

When Jed opened his eyes from the blinding light, he groaned. "Fucking Hell... and here I thought this shit would be easy on the eyes..." As soon as he felt his hand, however, he realized that something was off... he didn't even have a hand anymore. Now, it was nothing more than a tan hoof that matched his original skin color. Then, after feeling his face with his hooves, he also noticed a sharp horn coming out of his forehead. While he still wore his hat, he felt a breeze on his hind legs. Quickly, he stood on his back hooves, and eyed his body, before his eyes turned to the size of pinpricks. Then, with a huge glare on his face, he shouted, "Oh, HELL NO!"

With a sigh, he trotted through, what looked like, a large college, filled with humanized versions of the ponies he came across back in Equestria. "Alright, just gonna grab the crown, and get out. Grab the crown... get out." he mumbled to himself, only to hear a girl scream from behind him.

"Oh... my... gosh! Aren't you just the cutest little thing!" A young lady said before running up to him and gently petting his mane.

"Lady, you've got five seconds to remove your fucking hand, before I bite it off." Jed replied with a deadpanned expression. The girl instantly jerked her hand away and gasped, while he merely walked on through the hallways. He didn't even care to look back when he heard the girl faint from behind him.

Finally, after what felt like eternity, he saw a girl with a long red ponytail, holding a pile of books in her arms. When she noticed him, she gasped. "Oh... you're not Twilight Sparkle!"

"Damn right, I'm not. Now hand over the crown, and I'll be going." Jed retorted.

As he expected, the girl merely gave him an evil smile, and an obvious response. "Oh? Why should I even listen to you, exactly? In case you didn't notice... we tower over you by three times, and can easily take you do-"

Before she could finish her sentence, the lockers next to her blew up, and combusted into flames, while Jed's horn glowed red. "Yeah, well can ya do magic here, bitch?"

At once, Sunset's eyes widened, before she chuckled nervously. "Eh-heh... um... I'll... I'll go get the crown for you!"

"You've got thirty seconds, or I'll blow the whole damn place up, and pull it out of the ashes. One... two... three..." As he started counting, Sunset quickly ran through the hallways, and in the matter of fifteen seconds, she was back with a golden crown in her hands. Then, when she handed it to Jed, Jed walked off. "Now stay the fuck out of Equestria, or I'll rip your fucking horn off." And with that, Jed walked out of the school, and in front of the statue that he arrived in.

"Oh, and here's a warm present from me to you." He stated, before shooting a red beam in the sky, and walking through the portal again.

As soon as Jed walked out of the mirror, he pulled the crown out of his mouth, pointed his right finger at Princess Celestia, and said, "Shield bubble around the mirror. Now!"

Without even asking why, Celestia did as she was instructed. Mere seconds following that, the entire mirror burst into an explosion that ended where the bubble was.

"W-WHAT THE HAY JUST HAPPENED?!" Twilight asked with wide eyes.

Jed looked at her and sighed. "I got your damn crown back. That's what!" With that, he gently placed the crown on Twilight's head, only for her to take it off and raise an eyebrow.

"Um... Jed? This... isn't my-"

"Shut up." Jed retorted, before walking away from the area, and towards the entrance. "I'm gonna go get something to eat, now."

And just like that, Equestria's careless cowboy walked off, not giving a damn what his actions would possibly bring up in the future.

Celestia, Twilight, and Fluttershy stared at the broken mirror in shock. Then, in a worried tone, Celestia said, "This... might've been a HUGE mistake..."

The... End?

Author's Note

Yes, this was written out of sheer boredom, and half-sleepiness like the last one. Hope y'all had a good laugh! :pinkiehappy: :rainbowlaugh: