Twilight Sparkle Talks Like A Pirate
“Captain Shining Armor, ye’ve been defeated an’ yer ship be lost. Will ye join me pirate crew, or will ye walk the plank?”
“I will not join you, pirate scum.”
“Ye shouldn’t decide so quickly, matey. The water be lookin’ mighty cold today. And I be thinkin’ thar be sharks too.”
“I have sworn allegiance to Princess Celestia, and I will never betray her.”
“Yer princess won’t be helpin’ ye when ye be swimmin’ with the seaponies, ye lily-livered sea dog.”
“It matters not. I would rather die as a noble stallion than live as pirate.”
“Be ye sure about that? Oh, and did I mention tha’ we have lemon bars so we don’t be gettin’ scurvy?”
“Did you say ‘lemon bars?’”
“Aye. And thar be lemonade too.”
“Alas, you have found my weakness, Captain Sparkle. Very well, I shall join your pirate crew.”
“That’s what I thought. Now ye best start talkin’ like a pirate, or you’ll swabbin’ the poop deck.” Captain Twilight Sparkle knew that the poop deck had nothing to do with the functions that its name implied, of course. She had read books all about pirates and sailing to prepare for this day. Because what fun is playing make believe if you can’t be realistic? Not that any of that stopped her from giggling whenever somepony said “poop deck.”
Shining Armor was also aware that the poop deck’s name was very misleading, and that this particular poop deck was imaginary, but he still didn’t want to swab it. So he only rolled his eyes at his sister-turned-captain’s antics and replied with an “Aye, aye, cap’n.”
“Now what be our next goal?” Captain Sparkle asked as she stood before her crew.
“We could eat the lemon bars, cap’n.”
“I wasn’t asking you, Mister Armor,” the captain said while glaring at her newest crewmember, “I was asking First Mate Smarty Pants.”
Shining Armor grumbled in response, while Captain Sparkle conversed with her first mate. Being defeated in battle, pressed into service, and then denied lemon bars was not exactly conducive to a good mood. The only thing he was still missing was scurvy.
“That be an excellent idea, First Mate Smarty Pants.” Shining Armor’s attention was drawn to his sister as she started to talk again. “We’ll be diggin’ fer buried treasure!”
“But captain, remember how yer mother reacted last time ye went digging in her flower garden?”
Twilight sulked as that memory returned to her. She still wasn’t allowed to read any more books about archeology. “Well then, Mister Armor, do ye have any better ideas?”
“We could pillage a port for their gold and treasure. And by ‘port’ I mean ‘the kitchen,’ and by ‘gold and treasure’ I mean ‘lemon bars.’”
Captain Twilight Sparkle sighed. She wasn’t happy that her crew seemed more interested in eating than in actual piracy, but she also realized that she shouldn’t have expected any better from a teenage colt. “Very well, let’s be plunderin’ the kitchen fer their treasures.”
[/hr]
One small skirmish later, Governor Twilight Velvet had surrendered and turned over the kitchen-city’s lemony treasures as booty. Captain Twilight Sparkle’s crew was thrilled by their success, moral was at an all-time high, and scurvy was at an all-time low. And even the captain herself had to admit that the lemon bars were good, even if eating them wasn’t “real piracy.”
Shining Armor noticed that Twilight looked a little disappointed, and so, being the caring older brother that he is, he started looking for a way to cheer her up. (The other Twilight was also a bit disappointed, because her kitchen now looked like the war zone that it briefly had become. But she was as much to blame for that as her kids were, so she couldn’t really get angry. And besides, she got to eat lemon bars too.) Eventually his eyes settled on a clock, and a grin appeared on his face as he realized that the perfect opportunity for a bit of piracy was quickly approaching.
“Cap’n,” he whispered into his captain’s ear, “I know exactly what this brave crew of fearsome pirates can do next.”
[/hr]
Princess Cadance happily trotted towards the home of a ridiculously cute pony, who she loved like no other. It was also the home of said pony’s older brother, Shining Armor, who she supposed was kind of cute too, in his own goofy way. She also had some ideas involving Shining Armor and love, but the clueless stallion refused to take a hint.
She passed through the gate and began walking along the path leading to the house as happy as could be.
Ten seconds later, she was soaking wet and considerably less happy than could be.
“Arrrrr!” Captain Twilight Sparkle yelled as she and her crew emerged from their hiding spot with water balloons floating in their telekinetic grasps. “Commodore Cadance, we be demandin’ that ye surrender and turn over yer ships and yer treasure.”
Cadance allowed “confused” to join “wet” and “annoyed” on her list of current attributes. “What?”
“We be fearsome pirates, ye sorry wench. And me matey Shining Armor here be telling me that ye be a commodore with many a ship and much booty under yer command.”
“Oh he did now, did he?” Cadance glared at Shining Armor, who could only smile nervously as his captain continued.
“Aye, he did. And ye best be turnin’ over yer ships and yer booty, or we’ll be forced to fire another broadside at ye.”
Cadance’s frown turned into a mischievous grin as she decided on her course of action. “I do not fear pirates,” she proudly proclaimed. “Do your worst.”
“Aye, we will. Mister Armor, fire the cannons!”
It was on that day that Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor learned that it is very difficult to defeat an alicorn in any sort of battle. Especially when the only weapons you have are water balloons that can easily be grabbed from the air with magic and sent right back at you.
After a very short, but still spectacular battle, Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor surrendered, putting an end to their short careers as pirates. Their surrender accepted, the two ex-pirates joined Commodore Cadance’s crew, where they learned how to instead be privateers, starting with a visit to Donut Joe’s.
Author's Note
It be Talk Like A Pirate Day, an' I be feelin' like writin' somethin' about me fellow pirates. That be all there is to this.
