Apple Loader

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Main 6, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 22215

Rarity gives Applejack a mechanized apple loader for saving her life. Ponyville is so doomed.

WHURRRRRRR! CL-CLAKK! Cht-Cht-Chtunkka-Tch! Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Crkk-Crkk-Chtung! Hissssssssss

Beep beep beep beep-Ding!

Wreeeeeeeeeee CLANK! Wreeeeeeeeeee CLANK! Wreeeeeeeeeee CLANK! Clakka-THUNK! Whirrrr-Schlmmmp! Pffffffffft...

One week, Applejack saves Rarity's life. To show her thanks and generosity, Rarity buys Applejack a brand new Crystal Powered Servomatic Apple Loader 4000.

Ponyville is so doomed.

Cover Art by Zaponator
Special thanks to Floydien Slip and Pilate.

Published 2014-09-26 17:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-26 17:40:05 UTC

P

"Nnnngh... mmmfnnngh... hnnnnngh!" Spike sweated and panted, his aching hands gripping the wooden handles on either side of him.

"Spike Wikey?" Rarity craned her neck from the seat of the little rickshaw behind the dragon. "Are you doing quite alright?"

"Oh... n-never b-better!" Spike wheezed as he pulled the rickety cart up the hill to Sweet Apple Acres. "It's my pleasure... t-to do... anything for... you... R-Rarity...!"

"Ah, well, in that case, would you mind going a bit faster?" She sipped on the straw of a lemonade glass and leaned back under her parasol. "I enjoy the gentle breeze that a swift trip makes against my cheeks."

"Nnngh... r-right... gentle breeze coming r-right up!" Spike hissed and wheezed. "Hey... uh... Tw-Twilight? Not an emergency... b-but... hngggg-h-how much further do we have to go?"

"We're here!" Twilight said as she trotted briskly through the front gate to Sweet Apple Acres in front of the two. "Wow, you smell all that fruit in the air? Applejack must be busy with the latest harvest!"

"Oh, curses." Rarity pouted, forelimbs folded. "And here I hoped that she'd be trying out my gift instead."

"Now, remember, let me start out the conversation," Twilight said. "You'll get your chance to express your feelings to Applejack, but first I want to be sure that—" Twilight stood dead still, suddenly silent.

"Hmmm?" Rarity winced from her bandaged leg as she sat up in the rickshaw. "What is it, Twilight?"

"Do... do either of you hear that?"

"You m-mean the sound of my heart v-valves collapsing?" Spike wheezed.

"No, it..." Twilight grimaced. "...it almost sounds like a freight train..." Her eyes twitched. "...rolling off the tracks!"

The ground shook beneath them with the force of a tremorous earthquake.

"Aaaaaiiie—Uhhh-Aaaaaaack!" Rarity flailed and squirmed in a panic. "We must dive for cover! Spike! Quickly! Find a ditch!"

"I am a ditch!" he whimpered.

"Everypony, brace yourselves—!" Twilight dashed over and covered the three in a protective purple bubble of magic just as the earth around them threatened to split in three places at once.

Thud. Thud. Thud! Thud! Thud! THUD! THUD!!!

A hulking mass of metal and apples skidded to a stop, halting just inches from the flinching trio.

SCRKKKKKKKK! The mechanical quadruped wobbled, housing veritable mountains of apple baskets brimming with the juicy crimson fruit. The vehicle's hydraulics hissed steam while a greasy, sweat-stained mare rested in the heart of the steel riggings, bearing a blissfully stupid grin.

"Howdy, my little ponies!" Applejack panted and panted. "Whew-weeeee! It's a great day to be alive! Y'all reckon?! Darn if I ain't a sweatin' mess, but I sure am livin' it up at the same time!" She wiped her brow—accidentally making the machine slice the air above her companions with a bone-crushing metal limb. FWOOOOSH! A concussive wind knocked Spike—yelping—off the road and into a cluster of bushes. "Whoops?! Heheheh..." Applejack chortled, relaxing lazily against the inner cross-bars of the loader. "Sorry for the unexpected salute there, girls. It's just that this clunker and I think alike, if y'all catch my drift." She guffawed pleasantly. "Eh heh heh heh!"

Rarity was curled up inside the rickshaw, wincing and whimpering to herself.

Slowly, Twilight stood up, brushed herself off with her wings, then glared back at Rarity. "She 'loathes' the gift, huh?"

"Eheheheh..." Rarity sweated nervously.

WREEEEE! With a mechanical squeal, Applejack was suddenly grinning in Twilight's face—the whole titanic weight of the bent machine reeling above them. "Good afternoon, Twi!" Applejack beamed, teeth bright. "What's up?!"

"Uhhhh..." Twilight trembled in the whirring behemoth's shadow. "You are... apparently." She gulped.

"Why ya lookin' so glum, Princess?! T'ain't like you! Got a special report to write about friendship or somethin'?"

"I'm... certainly dr-drafting one in my head right now."

"Awwww." WHIRRRR! Applejack leaned the loader back. "How about some fuel for the fire, huh?!" WHUMPPP! She slammed a full basket of fruit down in front of the alicorn. "Eat up, sugarcube! Have as many as you want! It's on the house!"

Only now were Twilight's hooves touching back down from the basket's earth-slamming. "Uhm... thanks, but no thanks, Applejack. I-I couldn't rob you of your harvest—"

"HAH!" Applejack's cackling voice reverberated off the gold bars. "Are ya kiddin'?!" CL-CLANK! "Why, ya see these here baskets of apples I'm hoistin' around?!"

"It's a little difficult to..." Twilight squinted. "...through all thirty or forty of the other baskets."

"Well, this is just the peel of today's work, if y'all dun mind me gettin' all metaphoric-like." She giggled and pointed (WREEEEEE!) across the Acres. "Over there are about two hundred more baskets just like this one!"

"Two... hundred?" Twilight's jaw dropped. "Applejack, when did you start bucking the trees?"

Wh-Whtung! Applejack leaned back with a proud smirk. "Seven o'clock this morning."

"Only six hours ago?! But—that's... that's..."

"Eeeyup! The entire west field in half a day!" VRMMM-CRKK-CHTUNG! Applejack raised the apples overhead in two mammoth, mechanical arms. "And buck buckin'! I done just jumped into the Twenty-Fillieth Century!"

"Uhhhhhhhhh—"

"Why, I'm talkin' about this here gizmo, of course!" Applejack giggled. "The bestest, most kindest gift I ever did receive from anypony!" TH-THUD! She dropped the baskets neatly on either side of the vehicle, causing the rickshaw beneath Rarity to rattle. "It's an absolute hoot, Twilight! I can't believe that I gave technology the brush-off for so cotton-pickin' long! Sure, I was a bit fussy with it at first, but now that I've gotten the hoof of it—heheheh—it's doin' wonders for the farm!"

"Really?" Twilight smiled nervously, her teeth rattling with each heartbeat. She sat in the shade of Applejack's shadow. Meanwhile, a dazed and bruised Spike crawled out of the nearby bushes. "So... I take it that you actually like Rarity's gift."

"Like it?!" Vrkk! Crkkkt-Zmmmmm-Pfrtttt! Applejack struck a hoof-rearing pose, creating a miniature cyclone in the air with massive mechanical legs. "I adore the ever-lovin' fluff out of this thang! Whew!" She came back down, slamming the soil and sending Spike flying into the bushes again. "And guess what?!"

"Erm..." Twilight wheezed, her voice cracking through the rising dust. "Wh-what?!"

"I ain't no free-loadin' sloth like Flim'n'Flam on account of this machine, neither!" Applejack winked through the bars and support struts. "So long as a member of the Apple family is in the heart of this thang, it's still got our signature seal of quality!"

"That's... qu-quite marvelous, Applejack!" Rarity said with a nervous smile.

"You bet!" Applejack leaned forward. Grnkkkt! "You wanna have a taste to find out for yerself?!"

"Oh ho ho ho ho no thank you. Hah hah hah..." Rarity waved a dainty hoof, smiling cheesily. "I'm quite fine. Besides, I stuffed myself with tea and crumpets at Twilight's—" Applejack reached for a basket, and Rarity flailed on the rickshaw. "—h-h-h-houssssse!"

CL-CLAKK! Applejack clasped a single fruit between two massive claws and—WHIRRR—FWOOOOOOOSH!—shoved it within two centimeters of Rarity's fragile, flinching muzzle, stopping at a hair's width. "Here y'all go! Take a bite!"

"Eeeeeee-eeeeep!" Rarity trembled, her body uncurling slowly as she stared in horror at the apple dangling off the titanic metal limb. With a shiver, she reached forward and took a tiny nibble. "Mmmmmm-mmmmmmmm..." She smiled in spite of her panicked sweat. "My, my, that is most heavenly and sc-scrumptious!"

"Hah! I knew it! Even with all this metal, I haven't lost my touch!" Cr-Crunkkk! Applejack stepped back in the suit, venting steam and mana exhaust. "And this is just the beginning!"

"Mrmmff..." Rarity gulped the apple mush down and stammered, "The b-beginning?"

"Yup! I can't wait to sow the corn with this! Or paint the barn! Or feed the livestock—" Applejack gasped, her emerald eyes widening. "Duaaaaaaaaah—Hog tyin'! Land's sakes! It's like a whole 'nother horizon has stripped down to its scibbies right in front of me!"

"Nnnngh..." Spike crawled out again, collapsing breathlessly in the dirt road. "Alright... she said 'scibbies.' Can we go now?"

"Uhm... WOW!" Twilight gulped and levitated the dragon whelp onto her back. "Look at that! Poor little Spike is exhausted! We'd love to stay and see you do all of your... wonderful robot tricks..." She grimaced as the earth below started shaking and shifting. "... with your... new toy... but, uhm..." Twilight cleared her throat. "Uh, Applejack...?"

"Y-yes, Twilight?!" Cl-Clank! Cl-Clank! Cl-Clank! Applejack was doing push-ups inside the machine, thus causing the massive loader to thrust up and down in a missionary position above the earth. "Keep talkin'! Don't mind lil' ol' me!" Cl-Clank! Cl-Clank! Cl-Clank! "I've been inside this rattlin' hunk of agriculture all day, and I'm just makin' sure it doesn't turn me soft!" Cl-Clank! Clank! "Even train conductors need their exercise, ya reckon?!"

Rarity gulped. "Applejack—"

"Heh heh heh heh!" Cl-Cl-Cl-Clank!

Rarity sat up on the rickshaw, raising her voice. "Applejack, don't you think it's high time you gave that marvelous device—not to mention your marvelous self—a rest?"

"And what?!" Applejack heaved and panted, smiling up through the undulating machine. "Put to waste this humble gift you've so kindly bestowed? T'ain't proper, Rarity! I think what you've given me is a real whizz-banger, and I intend to whizz-bang it to its fullest! Heheheh—"

"Yes... well..." Rarity fidgeted.

"Applejack..." Twilight stepped forward, only to hop back—"Gaaie!"—when one of metal limbs nearly knocked her horn off. "Wh-what Rarity's trying to say is that maybe you shouldn't let your enthusiasm get to your head! She won't be offended if you turn the machine off for... y'know... a little while!" Her eyes darted sideways. "Or a long while." She nudged the rickshaw. "Would you, Rarity?"

"Oh, m-most assuredly not!"

"Heh... Yer too sweet, girls." Applejack stood up tall in the machine, hissing with steam and exhaust. "But dun you worry yer fuzzy heads none! I've always been able to handle a heap of hard work! And now, with this doohickey, I can handle it ten times more! I ain't fixin' to turn this thang off until I've got the farmwork done for the next ten days at least!"

Twilight shuddered. "That's... what I was afraid of." Hers and Rarity's ears twitched to the sound of a mare's voice sing-songing overhead.

"Mail call!" Derpy Hooves flew in low, grinning beneath her wall-eyes. She reached deep into a basket and pulled out an envelope. "Letters for the Apple Family!"

"Now now, dun wear yer wings out, sugarcube!" Applejack said. Crkkkk! She ripped the mailbox out of the earth by its post and thrusted high it into the air. Wreeeeee! "Lemme make it easier for you!"

"EEEEEEK!" Derpy flinched in mid-air, hugging her mailbag and shivering. Several envelopes spilled out as she gazed in horror at the dangling lid of the box looming just before her gray muzzle.

"Go on, darlin'!" Applejack squinted from the heart of the steely machine. "Slip one of 'em notes in! Yer doin' a bang-up job!"

Derpy gulped. Timidly, with an inward squeak, she dropped an envelope in.

"Way to go, Miss Hooves!" THUNKKK! Applejack stabbed the mailpost back inside the earth and thrust a basket of apples up in the air. FWOOOSH! "Here! Take one for the road!"

"Mmmm..." Derpy nervously reached past her mailbag/body pillow and yanked an apple nervously from the bakset. "Th-thanks! You're t-too kind, Miss Applejack!"

"Want some jam to go with that?!"

"NO!" Derpy hollered. "I mean... eheheh... no! I'm good!" She flew backwards, teeth chattering as she stared at the machine. "I'll be even better... fl-flying the rest of my route..." A gulp. "Far away from here!" She spun and darted off—only to slam face-first into a street sign. WANG! "Euuuughhh..." With a delirious grin, Derpy fell unconsciously into a row of bushes.

"Mrmmf..." Spike wheezed, slumped over Twilight's flank. "Better her than me."

"Well, it's been fun!" Rarity chirped, motioning savagely to Twilight. "The bee's knees, for sure! But we must get going, mustn't we, Twilight!"

"Yes! Definitely!" Twilight was already drawing the rickshaw with her magic.

As Rarity spun around, she waved a dainty hoof at Applejack and her machine. "You two... erm... have fun raking the earth for its plentiful bounties!"

"Hah hah hah! Yer a riot, Rarity!" Applejack waved a metal arm. Whirr-Whirr-Whirr! "I'll be sure to do that! Whatever it means!" Cl-Clank! She turned around and stormed across the farm toward her next chore ike a runaway Hydra. "Yer the best gal pal everrrrrr!" THUD THUD THUD!

Once Twilight was beyond the crest in the hill, she broke into a gallop, dragging the rattling rickshaw behind her.

"Ow!" Rarity winced, grasping her bandaged leg. "Ow ow ow ow!"

"Rarity!" Twilight gasped over her tail. "Are you—?!"

"No, Twilight!" Rarity hissed. "Don't you dare slow down!" She threw a pale look over her shoulder. "You shan't do anything but put as much distance between ourselves and that farm, pronto!"

"Well..." Twilight huffed and puffed. "At l-least we now know she loves your machine!"

"Yes..." Rarity wrung her hooves together, squeaking. "A little too much!"

L

"Hmmm-hmmm-hmmmm..." Applejack pleasantly hummed to herself while—

WHURRRRR—THUD! WHURRRRR—THUD! WHURRRRR—THUD!

—she marched across a dirt plain, dragging three plows at once. Within the span of a minute, she had plotted half of the field. Turning around, she reached into a cargo net, pulled out a bag of seeds, and poured it into a metal dispenser. Slapping the lid shut with her hoof, she slid back into her seat and pulled a lever.

CL-CLACK! The loader's right forelimb turned into a minigun.

"Dum-de-dum-dum..." Applejack's freckled cheeks glistened with sweat as she whistled, squinting down a metal crosshair dangling from the vehicle's upper chassis. "Like a rhinestone cowcolttttttt—" She flicked a switch, and the minigun's barrels began spinning. Whurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr—

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

The minigun fired seeds at ninety miles an hour. They flew into the soft plots of land, igniting patches of soil with brief plumes of fire before sizzling out.

"Hmmmm-hmmm-hmmm..." Grinning sweatily, Applejack jerked at the same lever, and the loader's right limb switched to a dripping spicket. She turned a dial.

SPLOOOOOOOOOSH! A pressurized hose thoroughly soaked the soil, rendering the edges of the field to saturated mud patches.

Applejack twisted the dial with a smirk. "Heh. Nailed it." She turned and did a double-take at the three plows resting beside the loader. "Hmmmmm..." With a flick of the fetlock, she pivoted the machine and picked up the rustiest of the three in a metal claw. Whurrrr-CL-CLANK! "Poor ol' Betsy's been so bent out of shape, she ain't seen no action since Ma and Pa dragged her." Applejack rubbed her chin, then grinned. "Well, shoot, she's got years in her yet! Just like Granny! C'mere, you!"

Then, with steam-wrought limbs, Applejack proceeded to hammer and twist and smack the aged plow back into a rigid shape. CRKKKKK! PTING! RNKKKT-CLACKKK!

Down the road, Bic Macintosh rolled up with a wagon full of hay. He took one look at Applejack and stumbled to a stop with a gaping expression, dropping the stalk that he was chewing between his teeth.

"Hey! Big Mac!" Applejack's voice echoed over the sounds of bent metal. CRUNNNCH! CL-CLAKKA-THUNK! "Take a gander!" WREEE! She held the suddenly-flat plow high up like a baton. "Ol' Betsy got her groove back! Didn't ya used to gab on and on about how she was run down and useless?"

"Uhhhh..." Big Mac gulped nervously. "Eeyup..."

"Well, nuts to that! From now on, I'm fixin' all the old fuddy-duddies around here!" Applejack winked. "Ain't no reason for this farm to be runnin' on low fumes, now is there?"

"Uhm... Eenope..."

"Dun believe me?! Why don'tcha give Ol' Betsy a whirl?!" WREEE! Cl-Clunk! Applejack pulled the plow back in her metal grip like a hoofball and let it loose. "Here ya go, big bro!"

Swisssssssssssssssssh! The plow whistled through the air like a cruise missile.

Big Mac gasped, unhitched himself from the wagon, and dove for cover. SMASSSH! The cart full of hay exploded behind him.

"Hahahah! Dang it, Big Mac! Ya clumsy varmint! Now I gotta go buy us a new wagon!"

"Nnnngh..." Bit Mac sat up, his eyes swimming dizzily. "E-eeyup...?"

"Dun you worry yer sweet old head about it!" THUD! THUD! THUD! Applejack thundered past him in the loader. "I'll just stroll on into town and earn us some more bits! Heheheh! I've been dyin' to sell these here freshly-plucked apples anyways!"

Big Mac crawled his way to the plow and hugged it, trembling, while he watched Applejack storm her way into town with several bushels of apples.

E

"Wowwwww..." Lyra and Bon Bon leaned forward, their sparkling eyes glued to the top shelf of the open market vendor. "That's the most beautiful instrument I've ever seen," the unicorn cooed.

Bon Bon looked up. "What's the name of it again?"

"Stallionivarius," Octavia explained. "Built by the mid-classical family, Stallionivari." She brushed aside a few smoky bangs and smiled elegantly. "It is as fragile as it is symphonic." She ran a graceful hoof over the varnished wooden curves with gentility. "There are less than a thousand more like it in this world. They are only ever played in performances for the most aristocratic and noble of pony audiences. This one right here has been played at multiple Galas for the Royal Sisters themselves."

"Cinnamon buns," Bon Bon stammered with an awestruck smile. "It must be ungodly expensive."

"No less than three hundred thousand bits, I assure you," Octavia said.

"My stars, Tavi," Lyra remarked, leaning back. "What possessed you to put it on display here? This belongs in a shop in uptown Canterlot!"

"Or a museum!" Bon Bon's voice cracked.

"Mmmmm..." Octavia smiled demurely. "An instrument of this rarity demands a serious buyer. If a pony is truly desirous of buying this, then they must make a concerted effort to trot all the way out here into the country before negotiating a purchase."

"Oh, I see!" Bon Bon said with a smile. "So that way you'd know they were really serious about it!"

"Indeed," Octavia said. "Besides, I wouldn't be caught dead selling something of this antiquity in the busy city. No, my friends, it's better for it to be out here in the country." She smiled. "Where things are quiet, peaceful, safe—"

THUD! CL-CLANK! THUD! CL-CLANK! "Get yer fresh juicy apples! Fresh juicy apples, right here!" THUDDDDD!

The latest vibration sent a horrific tremor through Octavia's vendor. All three mares' eyes twitched as the Stallionivarius flew off the shelf, did a backflip, and landed... in twenty pieces.

"Uh..." Octavia's pupils shrank as her muzzle quivered involuntarily. "Uhhh... uh-uh..."

THUDDDD! The following shake brought the vendor crashing over Lyra's and Bon Bon's yelping bodies. The next row over, Applejack stood "tall" while juggling several baskets in her metal arms. "They don't get much riper than this, folks!" The mare grinned from within the cage of her undulating machine. WHURR-WHURR-WHURR! She spun a pair of baskets on top of one arm while converting the other one into a torch. "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" FWOOOOOOOMB! She fired a plume of blistering hot flame into the air, inadvertently setting a hotel's thatched roof on fire across the street. "Come to Sweet Apple Acres where we're also sellin' plenty of corn, wheat, hay, and milk jugs! That's cowmilk, for those city folk visitin' from Celestia-knows-where! Heheheheh!"

Several ponies climbed out of the hotel balcony, shrieking and panicking. They hoisted pales of water to one another to quench the flame. Meanwhile, a pair of ponies trotted past the weeping sound of Octavia and approached Applejack in her loader.

"Wow, those are a lot of apples!" Thunderlane said. "I bet they taste scrumptious!"

"Darn tootin'!" WREEEE! Applejack thrust a basket right in front of the two flinching ponies' muzzles. "Here, give 'er a whiff!" She winked from deep inside the machine. "And since I'm jugglin' a whole surplus here, I'm sellin' 'em at a special Sweet Apple Acres discount!"

"Jee... I dunno," Thunderlane gulped and glanced aside at Blossomforth. "I can't say if we really need that many."

"It wouldn't hurt to stock up!" Blossomforth smiled. "After all, Rumble is likely to be celebrating a cute-se-nera soon!"

Thunderlane's eyes turned to daggers. "I told you never to call it that. He's a colt."

"Heeheehee!"

"Hey, I've got two big ol' baskets with yer names on it!" Applejack grinned, jerking at her controls. Cl-Clack! She hoisted them up and gave the containers a metallic squeeze. "How about it, y'all? Two baskets for two purdy love birds."

"Hmmmmm..." Blossomforth blushed with a smile. "Well, I've been in a baking mood..."

"Then it's a deal?"

Thunderlane rolled his eyes and reached into his bit bag. "Alright, honey. Anything for you."

"Yeeehaa!" THUD! Applejack dropped the baskets down on either side of them. "Now that's what I call home-country barterin'! Ahem. Fifteen bits, please."

"Here ya go." Thunderlane held up the bits, lingered, scratched his head, then ultimately dropped them in the flat of Applejack's metal "hoof." WHURRR! She pulled it closer to the loader's cage and snatched it in her own forelimb, depositing the gold coins into a receptical.

"Whoops..." Blossomforth winced, looking at the two hulkingly large baskets. "Should have thought this through. Just how will we get all this home?"

"Shouldn't be a big deal," Thunderlane said with a shrug. "I see us making two trips. Making three."

"Pffft!" Applejack waved a hoof. WHOOSH! "Horseapples to that noise! I can take care of that for you!"

"Er... no th-thank you." Thunderlane chuckled breathily. "We don't actually have... uh... a garage that can fit you in, even for a delivery."

"Naw, for real! I got you covered!" CL-CLAMP! Applejack lifted both baskets and slapped them end-to-end like a giant wicker pill box.

"Eeek!" Blossomforth yelped, her wings twitching. "D-don't crush the apples—!"

"Refresh my memory!" Applejack squinted down at them. "Y'all share a flat on the corner of Fifth and McCracken, right?"

"Er... right." Thunderlane nodded. "Second story."

"Hah! I knew it! Now..." Applejack pressed several digits on a keypad in front of her. "If I just set the coordinates here..."

"Coordinates?"

"I'll have the apples waitin' for y'all by the time ya get home!" Beep! Beep! Boop! Ding! "Shazam! Watch this!" Whurrrrrrrrrrrr-whurrrrrr! The apple loader stood up like a biped, limbs clattering. Then, with robotic precision, it held the conjoined baskets full of fruit back and aimed for the far edge of town. "Here's the wind up... and the pitch..." WHURRR! Swooooooooooooooooooooosh! The loader launched the apples over dozens of rooftops.

Thunderlane's and Blossomforth's heads turned as they gawked at the produce's flight. The dual baskets soon fell out of view, landing between two familiar apartments with a CRASH!, followed by the breaking of glass and the deathly shriek of a cat.

"Whoops! Eheheheh..." Applejack smiled nervously. "Yer all dog-lovers, right?"

"Uhm... Applejack? We, uhm..."

"Oh! Dag nabbit!" Applejack slapped a metal cross-bar. "Of course! I forget yer change!" Cl-Clack! She rotated one arm into a rifle barrel and—P-POW! Fired three tiny coins.

Sm-Smack! The bits ricocheted off Thunderlane's skull, knocking his body into Blossomforth. "ACK!" Thud! Both fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.

"Y'all come back now, ya hear?!" Applejack twirled with a grin. Cl-Clank! She shouted past the smoldering haze of a burnt hotel. "Apples a'plenty! You want heaven in a bite?!" She motioned with a metal hoof, grinning. Whurr-whurr-whurr. "Come and get some!"

L

"Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm..." Granny Smith trotted across the Apple Family kitchen one bright and early morning. She slapped down a plate of pancakes onto the dining table and shuffled into a chair. "Mornin' Applejack. Mornin', Big Mac."

"Mmmrrfff..." Big Macintosh rubbed his bloodshot eyes. "Eeyup..."

"Why ya lookin' so frazzled, sonny?" Granny chuckled. "Bit of a rough sleep last night?"

"Gnnngh... eeyup..."

"Nothin' that a lil smatterin' of Granny's good eats can't fix!" Granny began slicing at the flapjacks with a knife. "Awwwwww shoot. I forgot the syrup. Big Mac, would ya be a dear—?"

Whirrrr! "Don't ya sweat yer fuzzy gray head, Granny!" Applejack interjected jubilantly, squatting in the bulky machine across the table. A massive pair of clamps grasped the dinky syrup bottle. "I got that for ya!" CRASSSSH! She knocked over half the silverware and china in one swoop of the metal limb. "Here! Dig in!"

"Ermmm..." Granny Smith blinked at the massive arm reaching across the table with the syrup, and then at Big Macintosh's trembling figure. "Applejack, sweet pea, I'm glad that you... uh... have taken a likin' to that swell gift yer friend got you..."

"Ha HAH!" Applejack guffawed, her teeth sparkling in the morning light wafting through the kitchen window. "I know! Ain't it simply amazin'?" WHIRRR! "Rarity done outdid herself this time!"

"And speakin' about outdoin' oneself..." Granny Smith grasped the syrup and flinched when Applejack's metal arm (WREEEEEE!) retracted to the far side of the kitchen. "Could ya find it in yer heart to leave that doohickey outside when yer enjoyin' the mornin' vittles with us?"

"Pffft! Why, Granny! What's the point in doin' that?" WREE-WREE! Ch-TUNG! Applejack grasped a loaf of bread from the kitchen counter and slapped it onto the middle of the dinner table. CL-CLANK! "Can't you see a heapin' huge benefit this is?!"

"I dun mind havin' a useful instrument at one's beck'n'call..." Granny squinted nervously at the gigantic square-shaped hole in the wall. Outside, leaning on a silo, was a cutaway of the Apple Family house along with a hoof-saw. "But when for it involves makin' a pet hole big enough for Timberwolves to scamper on in—"

"Pfft! I wouldn't worry none about Timberwolves, Granny!" Applejack grinned, producing a huge titanium broadsword in one metal-arm: SCHIIIIIIING! She used it to cut the tiny loaf of bread up into even tinier slices while smiling. "Not with this baby around! Why... it's like havin' twenty Winona's and two dragons planted on our lawn! See?" Whirrrr-CLAKKA-CLAK! A tomahawk missile popped out of a compartment, glistening in the sunlight. "I could even fire it from my bedroom upstairs!"

"Wouldn't that set fire to the drapes, darlin'?"

"Naw. I made a hole up there too. Would you believe that this thang fits in my bed?" WREEE "Well, it does now. After the first night, the bed kinda sorta became the floor.." CLAKKK! She retracted the missile and glanced over at Big Mac. "Hey, Macky! Have some toast!" Her metal hoof flicked two slices.

They flew through the air like shuriken and ricocheted off the stallion's head. Th-Thap! "Ooomfa!" Thud! He fell hard to the floor, his legs wriggling like a giant red crab's.

"Now, AJ." Granny Smith's wrinkled forehead furrowed. "We've all got a long day ahead of us. More than anythang, I wanna have my breakfast in peace."

"So do I!" Applejack sing-songed. "That's another place where this thang comes in handy!" She turned towards Big Macintosh with a grin. "Here, Big Mac!" She converted the machine's left metal limb into a gigantic buzz-saw. "Lemme slice up that pancacke for y'all!"

Wriiiiiiiiiii—VRMMMMMMMMMMMM! The razor-sharp blade spun towards Big Macintosh's plate, and—by extension—Big Mac himself.

"NOPE." Big Macintosh whimpered, wide-eyed, crawling away from the spinning blade. "NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE—"

The serrated teeth had barely made contact with Big Macintosh's flapjacks when Applejack cut the power, gasping. "Land's sakes!" Cl-Clak! She pointed at the kitchen counter with a metal hoof. "Apple Bloom's lunchbag! What in tarnation is it still doin' here?"

"Huh?" Granny Smith turned and blinked at the paper bag in question. "Awww shoot. Reckon the lil' scamp was in such a hurry to get to school that she forgot to grab it."

"Well, we can't have that, now can we?" Wreeeee! Applejack stood up and stomped across the room, inadvertently forming cracks in the kitchen's tile floor. TH-THUD! THUD! TH-THUD! "I'll just stop on by and drop this off for her!" She picked the tiny-tiny bag up in a massive claw. "Maybe on the way back I'll stop by the general store for some nails!"

"What the devil for, darlin'?"

"To patch up the hole I made in the back of the outhouse," Applejack said. "After I discovered this thang's portable septic system—heheheh—well, I won't be needin' to use any outhouses anymore!"

"Well, okay then. Just don't forget to walk Winona while you're at it."

Applejack stomped through the hole in the kitchen and hollered to the hills: "How about it, Winona?! Y'all ready for walkies?!"

"Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip!"

"Dun run so far ahead of me, ya silly varmint! Heheheheh... catcha later, Granny!"

"So long, Applejack!" Granny resumed munching on her pancakes, a difficult task, considering how much her plate jostled with each thunderous step the loader took outside. Thud! Thud! Thud!

"Nnnnngh..." Big Macintosh climbed his way back to the table, leaning over his pancakes and panting.

"Y'know, this apple loader thang is gonna be a real problem," Granny Smith muttered.

"E... Eeyup..." Big Macintosh slurred.

Granny's green muzzle scrunched. "Now I'll be darned if I can think up somethin' to get Applejack for Hearth's Warmin' this year."

"... ... ..." Thud! Big Macintosh violently headdesk'd.

O

"Apple Bloom!" No response. "Pssssssssst! Apple Bloom!"

"Mrmmmff—guuu..." Apple Bloom's head nodded and nodded from where she slumped in her school desk. "Don't... w-wanna ride the orangutan, Granny..."

"Apple Bloom!" An orange hoof swung across the space between desks and kicked her stool. "Wake up!"

"Snkkt—Huh?!" Apple Bloom's bloodshot eyes snapped open as she glanced everywhere from her seat. "What?!"

Scootaloo hissed from the next seat over. "Snap out of it! Do you wanna flunk this?!"

"Flunk w-what?"

"We're taking a pop quiz," Scootaloo whispered. "Remember?"

"Pop quiz? Oooh!" Sweetie Belle whispered from behind them. "I love soda! Heehee!"

Scootaloo rolled her eyes and facehoofed.

"Mmm... I-I can't help it, y'all..." Apple Bloom yawned and yawned. "I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night."

"Oh no?"

"Guh... my big sister got this brand new piece of farm equipment and she was up all evening makin' all kinds of racket doin' Celestia-knows-what..."

"Maybe she's building us a new clubhouse!" Sweetie Belle hoarsely exclaimed.

"I wouldn't bet on it," Apple Bloom whispered back, eyes on Cheerilee at the front of the class. "Ever since AJ's gotten that apple loader thang, she hasn't quite been herself."

"What do you mean?" Scootaloo asked.

"Well, she's been all smiles'n'giggles and stuff." Apple Bloom squirmed, glaring down at her blank quiz sheet. "It's startin' to creep me out."

"Sounds to me like she's just happy!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "Is that such a bad thing?"

"Mmmm..." Apple Bloom glanced aside, sighing through her nostrils. "Nah, I guess not."

"Just relax and do your quiz, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo said. "And don't worry about Applejack. I mean... she's said and done weird things before."

"All our sisters have!" Sweetie Belle said—then winced. "Well, except Scootaloo, b-because she doesn't have one."

Scootaloo clenched her teeth but nevertheless calmly said, "Point is, she'll come around. Applejack always does!"

"Hmmm..." Apple Bloom smiled tiredly. "Yer right. I'm frettin' over a whole lot of nothin'." She stifled a yawn and picked up her pencil, smiling. "After all, if I can't trust my big sister, then who can I—?"

SMASSSSSSSSSH!!!

Cheerilee and every foal screamed in terror as a hole exploded right beside Apple Bloom's desk. As the dust and plaster settled, there loomed Applejack—grinning wide—with Apple Bloom's lunchbag held out in a glistening metal limb that nearly decapitated Twist beside her.

"Apple Bloom, there ya are! Ya forgot yer lunch, ya silly filly!" Th-Thap! She dropped the mushy bag onto Apple Bloom's desk top. "Reckon the pickles may have gotten mixed in with yer PB&J, but—hey!—it's all goin' down yer gullet at some point or another, right?"

"Er... r-right..." Apple Bloom gulped, staring down at the wrinkled bag. "Thanks...?" She winced as the metal limb hovered right over her fragile little skull.

Wreee! Wreee! Wreee! Applejack gently stroked Apple Bloom's mane with the hulking limb. "Dun ya fret yer pretty lil' head about dinner, either! I'm fixin' us some corn on the cob this evenin'!"

"But... wh-where you gonna get the corn from?"

"The West Field of course!"

"But that ain't even harvested!"

"It will be this afternoon!" Applejack leaned back through the fresh hole in the wall. "Right after I demolish the old barn, repair the silo's roof, and dig a new trench to keep out the Everfree squirrels! Yeeeha! How I do lurve an afternoon full of chores!" GONGGG! The schoolhouse's bell landed in the soil beside her. "Whoops!" Applejack turned the machine around with a grin. "Whelp! When in Roam!" She clamped the thing in two hooves and slapped it over the very top of the recess yard's flagpole, where it dangled obtusely. "That's where it belongs, right?" She shrugged with the whirring machine. "Ah well." Wree-Wree-Wree! She waved. "S'long, Apple Bloom! Y'all study hard, now, ya hear?" THUD! Thud! Thud!

At last, the mare-in-her-mech was gone. Apple Bloom and the rest of the students remained frozen in their seats, gawking out the fresh hole. Two seconds later, the flagpole bent forty-five-degrees from the weight of the school bell. Four seconds later, and the fire sprinklers of the schoolroom burst, soaking every foal down to their tails.

Twist sat up straight, covered in plaster. "Holy thit!" she wheezed, adjusting her cracked glasses.

A

"Alright, girls," Rarity spoke, reclining on a pile of cushions with her bandaged leg propped up in the center of Twilight's library. "Enough is enough." She took a deep, steaming breath, her face pale and serious. "I called you all together to discuss a matter of supreme importance. There is a grave problem here in Ponyville... a problem with our beloved friend Applejack."

"I still don't understand why we had to get together like this behind her back," Fluttershy said in a melancholic tone. "This feels mean and dishonest somehow."

"Darling, it's for her own good!" Rarity exclaimed. "You yourself have seen the devastation she's wrought across the entire town! You've heard the stories from the mouths of traumatized ponies and foals! Foals, Fluttershy!"

"Applejack hasn't hurt anypony. Not seriously."

"Yes, but she's come close on several occasions, Fluttershy," Twilight said, gesturing. "I'm with Rarity on this one. We need to do something before the situation gets worse."

"I take full responsibility for what has happened," Rarity said, nose upturned. "After all, the apple loader was my doing. It was my desire to bless Applejack with a gift from the bottom of my heart. Little did I know that I would irreversibly curse this town with an infernal machine gone awry!"

"I dunno, Rarity!" Pinkie Pie bounced across the library. "It doesn't seem so infernal to me!" She skidded to a stop, bright-eyed. "Plus, haven't you heard all the music it makes!"

"Music?! Pinkie, what are you going on about?!"

"WHIRRRRR! CLAKKA-CLAKKA! WOOSH! THUDDDD!" Pinkie giggled. "Heehee! It's just like John Buckham from Led Zebra moved into town! Heehee!"

"I'm afraid this is no laughing matter, Pinkie," Twilight said.

"Awwwww!" Pinkie kicked a stool and slumped down, pouting. "It never is to you guys!"

"I really mean it this time," Twilight said. "This thing that Applejack has gotten her hooves on is a real problem. I've seen it with my own eyes." She shuddered, exchanging a glance with Rarity. "She's wild, erratic, destructive—hardly like the Applejack we all know and love!"

"You can't actually b-be serious!" Fluttershy stammered.

"Believe it, darling," Rarity said. "She's even a detriment to her own family."

"You mean our Applejack?!"

"I'm afraid so." Rarity nodded gravely. "Why, just yesterday, Sweetie Belle was telling me how Applejack inexplicably tore a hole in the wall of the school building, then wrecked their bell! From what my little sister claims, Apple Bloom hasn't gotten a wink of sleep these last few nights. Only Luna knows what it's like over at Sweet Apple Acres, day in and day out!"

"Oh, the poor dears..." Fluttershy mewled.

"Deers?" Pinkie Pie blinked. "I thought they were ponies!" She gasped heavily. "Duaaaaaah Did that machine alter their deoxyribonucleic acid signatures, transpositioning their place within lateral branch of the taxonomist tree?!"

"Honestly, Pinkie," Rarity sighed. "Must you?"

"No, actually, Pinkie is onto something," Twilight said.

"She is?"

"I am?!"

"I was thinking about it all last night ever since you proposed this emergency meeting, Rarity." The alicorn paced back and forth across the center of the library. "Something must have affected our most dependable friend. After all, this is not the Applejack we all know and love."

"Apparently not," Fluttershy said, shivering.

"Perhaps the machine's polluted her mind in some manner," Twilight thought out loud. "That apple loader runs on enchanted magic crystals. Being an earth pony, Applejack has little to no control of her leylines, leaving her completely defenseless to the side effects of unfiltered mana."

"You mean that oversized toaster is frying AJ's wizard brain?!" Pinkie squawked. She pulled a random pitchfork out of hammer-space. "Down with the mechlateriat!"

"Not so fast, Pinkie," Twilight said. "We have to think this through. For all we know, it might not be the machine affecting her."

"Then wh-what is?" Fluttershy stammered.

"It could be anything!" Twilight remarked, her face awash with fear. "A stray curse! A magic spell! Trixie getting ahold of the alicorn amulet again! Or—Celestia forebid—Discord up to his usual antics!"

"But of course!" Rarity gnashed her teeth. "This calamitous situation has Discord's name written all over it!"

"I can't believe what friggin' idiots you all are," cracked a voice from above.

Every mare flinched.

"Huh?!" Twilight twirled about and looked up, frowning. "Rainbow, that's not very nice—"

"You're not very nice!" Rainbow Dash lay lazily on the stairs with a Daring Do book plastered over her face like a pillow. She lifted the tome and squinted down. "Do you even hear yourselves with these lame-flank ideas?! A 'stray curse.' A 'magic spell.' 'Discord up to his usual antics.' Pfffft! Please... couldn't you at least give Applejack the benefit of a doubt?! She's our friend! And a dang good one at that!"

"She's also tearing up half of Ponyville with this stupid apple loader of hers."

"Which—by the way—she refuses to get out of," Rarity added. "At all times."

Twilight's brow furrowed. "Have you noticed that from your latest flights, Rainbow? Or have you been too busy dozing off?"

"Hey! Don't accuse me of sleeping on the job!" Rainbow hovered above the group, forelimbs folded. "Especially when you're the ones slacking off in the friendship department!"

"Us?! 'Slacking off?!'" Rarity gasped. "Rainbow, darling, how could you insinuate such a thing?! Why, this very meeting was established for the sole purpose of assisting Applejack with her problem—!"

"And that's your biggest mistake right there!" Rainbow pointed. "Calling it a problem!"

"Well, what else is it?" Fluttershy remarked. "She's been doing a lot of bad, bad things lately."

"You call getting all her chores done a bad thing?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, tossing her hooves up. "You call laughing her head off and smiling every hour of the day a problem?"

"Rainbow," Twilight sighed. "You have to understand, ever since Applejack got this machine—"

"—she's been super friggin' happy! And who can blame her?! I smile and giggle and fly loopty-loops in the air every time I get a new Daring Do novel!" Rainbow said. "That's what you call enjoying life! Is that such a big flippin' problem?!"

"I... d-don't think we quite understand where you're coming from, darling," Rarity said.

"Pfft! For real? Fine! Let me ask you guys a question, then!" Rainbow planted her hooves on her hips. "When has Applejack ever had fun? Like... ever?!"

Rarity opened her mouth to say something—but no words came out. She fidgeted on her cushions.

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged blank expressions.

"Oooh! Oooh!" Pinkie Pie waved her hoof. "When she helped me set up Sugarcube Corner for—"

"NOT when she's being a loyal and dependable pony to the whole bunch of us!" Rainbow exclaimed.

Rarity pointed. "H-how about when she managed the Apple Family Reunion during last—"

"NOT when it comes to doing family stuff!"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy smiled bashfully, digging a hoof into the floor. "Just last month, she saved me and Angel from an Everfree Hydra by drop-kicking it in the—"

"And NOT when she's kicking flank for other ponies' lives!" Rainbow Dash's eyes narrowed. "Like—for real! When has Applejack ever had fun?! Just for fun's sake?! Nopony else's!" She glanced at each mare. "When has she ever had her own personal me-time just to do what Applejack wants to do?!"

Dead silence.

"I..." Twilight sweated, rubbing the side of her head. "I-I can't think of anything!"

"My stars and garters!" Rarity's pupils had shrunk. "It's like I've forgotten a million loose threads in my Boutique all at once!"

"No... f-fun...?" Pinkie whimpered, her mane straightening out.

"Oh, we are such bad, bad friends!" Fluttershy's lips quivered as she sniffled. "If only we had thrown Applejack a celebration or a party all these years..."

"With n-no strings atta-a-a-ached!" Pinkie bellowed, sobbing.

"Perhaps all of this manic enthusiasm could have been avoided!" Rarity finished.

"You get it now?" Rainbow Dash hovered lower. "This is Applejack! At least... an Applejack we've never seen before because she's never had a chance to be herself this much!"

"It's so simple," Twilight Sparkle murmured. "I can't believe I overlooked it!"

"So, let's stop rambling about 'curses' and 'magic spells' and look at this for what it really is!" Rainbow Dash twirled about with a smirk. "A situation where an honest-to-goodness pony needs some support from her honest-to-goodness friends!"

Rarity took a deep breath. "You're right, Rainbow Dash. We've been looking at this whole situation in the wrong light. Applejack is an honest pony! She doesn't need to be rebuked for her most recent manic streak! She needs positive reinforcement!"

"What she needs is somepony she trusts to be upfront with her, right?" Rainbow Dash glanced at everyone. "The solution's pretty clear-cut, if you ask me."

"I concur whole-heartedly, darling!" Rarity said with a devilish grin. "There's only one thing to do!"

"Right." Rainbow nodded. "We just swallow our pride, trot up to Applejack, and tell her that there's a fine line between having fun and being selfish—"

"We have to find something that Applejack will enjoy more than the apple loader!" Rarity exclaimed. "Then she will surely give up the blasted thing!"

Rainbow blinked at Rarity. "Buh?"

"Why..." Twilight gasped. "That's a brilliant idea, Rarity!"

Rainbow spun and blinked at Twilight. "Buh?!"

"Yes!" Pinkie bounced up, her mane once again full and flouncing. "Yes yes yes! A fun bomb! Heeheehee!" She grinned. "We just blitz AJ with stuff she enjoys until she coughs up the heavy metal!"

"But... that..." Rainbow gritted her teeth. "That's stupid!"

"Absolutely!" Twilight grinned brightly. "Stupid enough to work! Thanks for putting us on the right path, Rainbow!"

"Unnnngh..." Rainbow slumped in mid-hover. "You're welcome..." She bit her lip. "I think."

"So, the challenge—then—is to figure out the nature of the task ahead of us." Rarity gulped hard. "Just what would Applejack enjoy? I mean... truly enjoy?"

"Apples?" Fluttershy blurted. Everypony instantly glared at her. Her head drooped. "I-I tried..."

"Oooh!" Pinkie bounced. "Hard work? Lots and lots of sweat? Sawdust?!"

"She gets all of that already with the apple loader, though," Twilight said. "No, we have to lavish her with something bigger... more creative."

"No no no..." Rarity waved a hoof. "We shan't expend all of our efforts in one go. What if we all made the wrong decision?"

"Then what are we gonna do?!" Pinkie chirped.

"How about..." Twilight slowly, slowly grinned. "We each try treating Applejack with a different thing? Surely—between the five of us—we're bound to find her something she'd enjoy more than the apple loader!"

"But... uhm..." Fluttershy gulped, squatting low with a timid shiver. "I-I don't even know where to begin..."

D

"YEEEEEEEEEEE-HA!" Applejack cheered and grinned. "This was such a whizz-bang great idea, Fluttershy! Why, I'm havin' the time of my life!"

"Th-that's so good to hear!" Fluttershy smiled nervously, sitting on the seventh elevated row of a set of bleachers beside the mare and her mech. Before them, a large round arena marked the heart of the Canterlot rodeo, where several ponies were taking their turns with cattle wrangling, bull-riding, and hog-tying. "I figured that... uhm... 'a huge event with barrels, clowns, and ropes' had my best friend's name wr-written all over it!"

"Wooohoo!" Wreeeeeeee! Applejack pointed with a metal claw. "Will you look at that?! Calamity Mane is the best! I swear, she could lasso a dragon in thirty seconds, all the while yodelin' the national anthem!"

"I... c-can only imagine." Fluttershy giggled nervously. Sweating, she squirmed in her seat and spoke aside to Applejack. "Perhaps you could see her and the other rodeo ponies better if you... uhm... g-got out of your apple loader?"

"Are ya kiddin'?" Ch-Chtung! A pair of binoculars descended from the top bar, attached by swivel struts. "I got all I need to see anythang between here and Chyneigh! Why, if a flea was tap dancin' on Jockey Chan's muzzle, I bet I could see it too!"

"Oh... uhm... th-that's pretty... ... ...spiffy?"

"Speakin' of seein' the action, sugarcube..." Wreeeee! Applejack leaned towards the bleachers, squinting at the pegasus. "Ya sure y'all can see the rodeo just fine from up there?!"

"Oh! Uhm... absolutely!" Fluttershy smiled, leaning away from the mech, her soft yellow body sloped at a sharp angle. "No doubt about that!"

"But, I swear, you haven't laid yer eyes on the event for a single gul-durn minute since we got here!"

"Oh, I-I'm just happy enough to hear it!" Fluttershy gulped, whimpering slightly. "It's j-just that I'm not really fond of how the cattle and pigs here are being treated."

"Are ya kiddin'?" Applejack giggled. "T'ain't nothin' more comfortable than bein' tied up all tight and comfy with some rope!"

"R-really?"

"Well, at least that's what Granny tells me whenever I bring up Grandpappy, Celestia rest his soul."

"Uhm..."

"I know!" Applejack sat up straight in the loader. Whirrrrr! "What you could use is some good eats! They serve 'em to the audience in the stands, y'know!"

"That's really sweet of you to offer, Applejack, but I'm afraid I'm not—"

Cl-Clack! Applejack dropped a dangling megaphone from the top of the suit and switched it on with a high-pitched whine. "HEY SNACK STALLION! YOOHOOO!" Dozens of flinching heads turned, their manes billowing from the volume of Applejack's mech-speakers. One timid pony in a striped shirt and paper hat shook, clutching his dangling tray of popcorn and caramel apples. "YEAH, YOU! HOWDY! HOW MUCH FOR THAT BUTTERY-LOOKIN' POPCORN YOU GOT THERE?!? I WANNA BUY SOME FOR MY GAL PAL FLUTTERSHY!"

"Uhm..." The stallion dug at his ear. "H-huh?!"

"SOME POPCORN! FOR MY FRIEND! FLUTTERSHY! THIS BEAUTIFUL AND ADORABLY SHY PONY RIGHT HERE! FLUTTERSHY!" A shimmering grin. "NOT SO HEAVY ON THE BUTTER, THOUGH! SHE'S SINGLE, AFTER ALL! GOTTA WATCH THEM PRETTY FLANKS!"

"Applejack!" Fluttershy squeaked. She squatted low in her seat and hid in the pink folds of her mane. "Pl-Please! Not so loud!" Her muzzle flushed to the point of burning. "You kn-know how I am with crowds!"

"SO HOW 'BOUT IT, BUDDY?!" WREEEEEEE! A metal hoof reached over the bleachers, forcing several yelping ponies to duck under its dark shadow. "CAN I HAVE TWO BAGS?! FOR FLUTTERSHY?!"

"Pl-please!" The stallion shivered, dropping several treats from his tray. "I-I'll do anything! J-just don't hurt me!" He held up two half-crumpled bags of popcorn. "Here ya go! Th-that good enough for ya?"

"THANK Y'ALL KINDLY!" Applejack smiled. CLAMP! She grabbed the bags between two claws and dumped them in Fluttershy's lap. "Well, will ya look at that! He gave us all he had left! Must be our lucky day!" Whirrrr! Applejack smirked at her friend. "See? You really shouldn't be so dag-gum nervous about askin' for what you want, sugarcube. We're all on the same side, ya reckon?"

"Erm..." Fluttershy poked her head out from behind her mane. "Yes... I-I suppose we are—"

"Awwwww shoot!" Applejack seethed. "Where are my manners?" Cl-Clack! She turned the suit's right arm into a cannon. "HEY, PARTNER, I FORGOT TO PAY YA!"

"No... pl-please!" The stallion hobbled backwards, forelimbs raised. "It's on the house—It's on the house!"

RAT-A-TAT-TAT!

Six bits flew over the bleachers—P-P-PING!—and ricocheted off his forehead. He fell back, slamming into an entire row of ponies. Everyone gasped and collapsed, shaking their seats to the core. Seconds later, the bleachers imploded, sending a tremorous ripple through the arena. In a disastrous circle, the remaining bleachers collapsed one by one, sending bodies flying and dust rising to the heavens, until all that was left was Fluttershy.

"Eeep—!" She plummeted. CLANK! Only to be caught in one of the loader's metal palms.

"Easy, there, butterhoof!" Applejack munched on popcorn. "Mmmfff Yer liable to miss the action!"

"Uhm... if y-you say so... eheheh..."

"Hey! Mrmmmmff! What are y'all standin' around gawkin' for?! Let's see more lassoin'! Yeeeeeeeeeha!" Applejack munched and grinned. "What could possibly be more fun than this?"

R

"SURPRIIIIISE!" Pinkie Pie melodically shouted, bouncing high in the air with flappy hooves.

"Awwwwwwwww... Pinkie!" Cl-Clank! CRKK! Applejack came to a stop inside the front lobby of Sugarcube Corner, which was decked out with red streamers, apple-shaped balloons, and apple-printed tablecloth. "Y'all really shouldn't have!"

"How could I not!" Pinkie grinned. "After all, you're here, and this is a super special fun occasion!"

"Oh really?" Applejack grinned, eyes bright. "What occasion is that?"

"Why, it's... uhm..." Pinkie's muzzle scrunched. She tapped her nose several times, then gasped: "It's the 'I'm Happy To Have a Friend Who Loves Apples and Harvesting Apples So Much Apple Party Day!'"

"Yeeeehaaa!" Applejack pumped her metal hoof, shattering a chandelier into a punch table below. CRASSH! Sp-Sploosh! "Ain't that a hoot?! That's like Apple Cubed!"

"Heeeheeeheee!" Pinkie Pie giggled, nevertheless sweating a bit. "I-I'm afraid I never took trigonometry!"

"Oh, I never did join the ROTC either. So!" Applejack rubbed her metal hooves together, producing sparks. "How do we celebrate?!"

"With yer friends, of course!"

"Ya brought the girls here?!"

"Nope—but I did wrangle up your next door neighbors!" Pinkie spun and waved across the bright fuchsia interior. "Say 'howdy,' farm folks!"

"Uhhhhhh...." Caramel, Golden Harvest, Daisy, and several other ponies huddled—shivering—behind a thick wall of sandbags and barbed wire, wearing rattling helmets over their little pony heads. "H-howdy, Applejack! It... s-sure is nice to be here for this party!"

"Well, thank y'all kindly!" Wreeeeee! Applejack gestured towards the dessert table. "Want the first bite of cake?!"

"NO! No! Please, Celestia, no!" They squatted behind the barbed wire, hugging each other in utter horror. "W-we're all full over here! But pl-please! H-have as much as you like, Applejack!"

"Well, shoot..." Applejack rubbed her head with a real hoof. "I've heard of wallflowerin' before, but this is just silly."

"Whoops!" Pinkie hissed under her breath. "Bad Pinkie! I forgot to light the candles!"

"Shucks, I can take care of that, darlin'!"

"It's okay, Applejack, lemme just hop to the kitchen and fetch a—"

FWOOOOOOOOOOMB! The loader's flame-thrower unloaded on the large cake, forcing Pinkie to dive for cover. The candles did—in fact—light up, but promptly exploded about three seconds later. When Applejack was done, the icing had been scorched to a charcoal black.

"Hey! Chocolate!" Applejack grinned. "My favorite!"

"Erm... actually it was v-vanilla cream," Pinkie whimpered, fidgeting.

"Oooh!" Th-Thud! Th-Thud! Applejack stomped across the eatery, smashing through two chairs and a bench. "Pin-the-tail-on-the-pony! Reckon yer game?"

"Oh! Absolutely!" Pinkie snatched the fuzzy pink tail, then hesitated. "Uhm..."

"Want me to go first?"

"Stole the words out of my muzzle!" Pinkie grinned brightly, raising the dangling article. "Now, about the blindfold, why don'tcha step down out of that big, stuffy metal suit thingy and I'll just—EEP!" She flinched as Applejack's massive metal claws reached down and... clasped the tail daintily from her grip.

"Heh... dun you fret, Pinkie." Applejack grinned while lowering her eyelids. "Ol' Honest Applejack will just keep her eyes closed."

"Oh... uh..." Pinkie gulped and nodded. "Okay!" A twitching grin. "This can't possibly go wrong!"

"Alrighty..." Whirr-Whirrr! Applejack blindly twisted the controls, pivoting the loader left and right as she licked her lips. "Mmmmmm... trust my mind's eye here... annnnnnnnnnd—" WREEEE! Fwoooooosh! CRUNCHHHHH!

Pinkie flinched as chunks of wood and plaster flew over her figure. When she reopened her eyes, she found herself squinting into pure daylight.

A chunk of Sugarcube Corner's wall lay out in the street. Several gawking ponies stared in, their eyes wide in shock.

"Well?!" Applejack opened her eyes, grinning. "Did I get it?"

Pinkie looked up to see the remaining shreds of the pony poster fluttering to the floor in twenty separate places. "Good enough!" her voice cracked. "Well, th-that sure was a fun fun fun party! Wasn't it?" Her grin twitched and twitched. "Duaaaah! Would you look at the time?! I gotta take Gummy to the vet to get declawed—"

"Ooooh!" Applejack cooed, emerald eyes sparkling. "Lookie there!" Clank! Cl-Clank! "A pinata!"

A random party-goer shrieked and dove out through a nearby window. Shatter!

"Oh... uhm..." Pinkie fidgeted, staring up at the dangling paper mache apple with a pale expression. "You know what? You don't wanna burst that! It's full of... uhm... razor blades and dirty needles! A leftover prank from Last Nightmare Night! Heheheh—I-I don't even know what I was thinking when I—"

"Pffft! The least I can do is put it out of its misery!" Whirrrrrr-Cl-Clank! "Since y'all was kind enough to set up this here shindig for little ol' me!"

"Oh... uhm... I guess that makes sense." Pinkie's eyes crossed. "R-right?"

"I'm gonna smack the dickens outta this thang!"

"Whoah whoah whoah! Sillyjack!" Pinkie held up a tiny wooden bat. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"What, you wanna take a whack at it first?"

"It's going to be super-duper hard grabbing this pinata bat while you're inside that cramped thingamabobber!" Pinkie grinned, shaking a hoof. "So how about hopping out of it and giving this club a whirl?"

"Heheheh... that's mighty thoughtful of ya, Pinkie, but dun you fret none." Applejack winked. "I got this covered." Crkkkkk-Th-Th-Th-Thak! She extended a thick steel bludgeon from her right forelimb. "Say yer prayers, non-apple!" Wreeeeeeeeee! The entire loaded coiled up, steam vents hissing. "Yeeeeeeeeee-HAAAAA!!!." THWACKKKK!!!

The entire building shook on its foundation. The pinata literally dissolved on impact, along with the stretch of ceiling above it. An enormous hole appeared in the second floor, splattering the room above with the pulverized gunk of over five hundred different candies.

From the chamber above, a pair of figures gasped and squirmed away from the point of impact.

"P-Pinkie?!"

"Pinkie Pie, what in the devil—?!"

"Why..." Wriiiii! Applejack stood up on the machine's hind quarters, lifting her smiling face into the dust-laden room. "Howdy, Mr. Cake! Mrs. Cake!" She blinked, then squinted. "Whatcha y'all doin' in there?!"

"Miss Applejack! Pl-Please! Go away!"

"We're... uh... we're t-testing out a new cupcake mix!"

"Yes! It's... uh... a m-married secret!"

Applejack's face scrunched. "In yer bedroom?"

"Oooh! A new cupcake mix?!" Pinkie hopped up on the apple loader, grinning wide. "I wanna have a taste!"

"NO, PINKIE!"

"J-just go away!"

"Uhm... pr-pretty please, h-honey bun?!"

S

"ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW!"

"Rrrrrgh!" A stallion with a red bandanna suplexed another pony in a black t-shirt and pants through a wooden table in the center of a wrestling ring. Panting, he swiped his blood-stained brow and proceeded to beat the ever-loving snot out of the other stallion with a stick of balsa wood. "Ooof-cha! Ooof-cha!"

The ponies seated all around the brightly-lit platform yelled and chanted with unbridled bloodlust: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

"Wow!" A stallion's voice raspily hollered over the stuffy warehouse's intercom. "Canter Jack and Trotty Funk have made a statement! And this is about as brutal as Equestrian Championship Wrestling gets, folks!" The announcer paused as one stallion got up, wrapped his forelimb around the other wrestler's neck, and slammed him against the turnbuckle. "OH MY GODDESSSS" his voice vomited over the loud speakers. "This is hardcore heaven as only you can find here in the ECW arena!"

"Whewww-weee!" Applejack sat back on the haunches of her machine, grinning left and right at the rowdy, raving audience. "This sure is a lively crowd! Especially that fella over the microphone!"

"Yeah, well..." Rainbow Dash reclined lazily on a folding chair. "Joey Stallions may be famous for his solo commentary n'all, but gimme Jerry the Colt Lawler any day."

"I've never been anywhere so excitin'!" Applejack grinned. "Thanks for invitin' me, sugarcube!"

"Heh... don't mention it. Sorry it was such a long trot to get here."

"Oh, don't you fret!" Applejack spoke above the chanting and sounds of body-slams. "I handled the trek just fine and dandy!"

"I know," Rainbow said, glaring aside. "You smashed through three warehouses and a cemetery while galloping across country in that stupid thing!" She winced as the speakers spat out another ear-splitting "OH MY GODDESS!" and then sat up straight. "Which reminds me, AJ. The real reason why I brought you here is because I wanted to get you comfortable enough to talk to you about—"

"Do you always come to this here buck-fest?"

"Huh? Oh... uh... I guess..." Rainbow slicked her bangs back as she glanced at the fight. "At least ever since TNA went downhill."

"TNA?"

"Yeah. Total Neighstop Action. I mean ever since they let Vinnie Russoats back into the fold, things have started sucking to high heaven and—" Rainbow gritted her teeth and shook her head. "I-I'm getting off topic! The point is—" She pointed. "You can have fun without that apple loader, Applejack! And, actually, I really friggin' think you should ditch it!"

"Get rid of this here mech suit?!" Wreeeee-crkk! She gestured to herself. "What in tarnation for?"

"You're making a wreck out of everything!"

"None of the other girls seem to think so."

"Because they're too scared to tell you face to face!" Rainbow Dash said. "Instead, they insist on buttering you up so you can somehow slide out of the suit on your own! Well, it feels almost like I'm the only one who remembers that you're the Element of Honesty, so I'm telling you—honestly—ditch the stupid suit!"

"OH MY GODDESS!" Joey Stallions hissed again.

"Huh?!" Applejack's face scrunched as she rubbed her ear. "What was that, sugarcube?! I couldn't hear you through that feller's hyena voice!"

"I said—"

TH-THUNK! A stallion somersaulted out of the ring while another stood atop the turnbuckle, raising a burning piece of plywood and hollering.

"—AJ, you need to get rid of that suit before—"

"ECW! ECW! ECW!"

"What was that, Rainbow?!"

"I said—"

"OH MY GODDESS!"

"—ugh! Dammit to Tartarus! The suit, Applejack! The suit!"

"What about it?!"

"Get rid of—"

"Hold on!" Applejack stood up. Wriiii! She grinned and pointed at the ring. "That Canter Jack feller is askin' for a folding chair!"

"Uhhh—"

"Hold on, partner! Move on over, Rainbow Dash—"

"Applejack, what are you—Whoa!" Rainbow's voice cracked as she fell to the floor. Whump! Applejack picked the chair out from under her and hoisted it up in the air.

"Is this what you want?!"

Several inebriated stallions chanted: "THROW THE CHAIR! THROW THE CHAIR!"

"AJ! No! D-don't do it!" Rainbow Dash hissed, waving a hoof as she nervously eyed the crowd. "This is Fillydelphia! You'll have no idea what the ponies will do if you—"

Wreeee! "Yeeehaaa!" FWOOOOSH!

The chair flew like a missile, colliding with Trotty Funk's skull. THUD! He collapsed to the mat like a slab of meat and instantly bladed.

Within seconds—

"Woohoo!"

"ECW!"

"ECW!"

"ECW!"

A swarm of chairs flew into the ring, tossed from every conceivable angle that surrounded the lit arena. The wrestlers inside flopped to the floor as they were swiftly covered up in a gigantic pile of steel and aluminum.

"CRKKK!" the loudspeakers crackled. "DO NOT THROW CHAIRS INTO THE RING!"

"Wooo! Yeahhh!" The mountain of chairs piled higher and higher.

"PLEASE DO NOT THROW CHAIRS INTO THE RING!"

Stallions stood up, tossing beer and waving their forelimbs in wild abandon. The pile was slowly reaching the floodlamps by now.

"STOP THE CHAIRS!"

"ECW!"

"ECW!"

"ECW!"

"STOP THE CHAIRS!"

A

"Apple Bloom?" Scootaloo trotted across the tiny room. "Come on! Stop moping, will ya?"

"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle leaned in, eyes sparkling. "Why the long face? I mean, besides being a little horse girl and all."

"Hmmm..." Apple Bloom sniffled, staring out the crusaders' clubhouse window with a sad expression. "Y'all know darn well why I'm down in the dumps!" She turned around, frowning. "I want my big sister back!"

"What do you mean?!" Sweetie's voice cracked as she placed a gentle hoof on Apple Bloom's shoulder. "Applejack's never left you!" She glared into the corners of the place. "And she certainly isn't a big meanie-pants who grounds you just for practicing a little bit of magic!"

"Ungh!" Apple Bloom slapped Sweetie's hoof away. "Why do I even bother?! Y'all know nothin'!"

"Well..." Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to tell us?"

"What's the use?!" Apple Bloom slumped, eyes tearing as she pressed her muzzle against the glass. "Mrmmmfff... no matter what I do, I can't get Applejack to return to normal! These days, she's all about nuzzlin' up to that con-sarn apple-loadin' doohickey of hers..."

"Oh, is that what this is all about?" Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

"Hey!" Sweetie Belle frowned. "That 'doohickey' happens to be my sister's gift to your sister!"

"And it's tearin' Sweet Apple Acres apart!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. "I dun care if AJ's been tacklin' the apple harvest extra fast-like! She's smashin' up our home! Embarrassin' me at school! Terrorizin' our neighbors in Ponyville! It just ain't like her!" Stifling a sob, Apple Bloom hugged herself against the window pane. "I just want my ol' sister back... the one that used to lurve on me and teach me about farmin' and even gimme a good-night kiss at bedtime..."

"Yikes." Scootaloo winced. "If you miss being treated like a baby, then things must be really bad!"

Apple Bloom sniffled. "I know..."

"Well... uh..." Sweetie Belle tapped her chin. "Maybe we can do something about it!"

"Mmmmm... like what?" Apple Bloom moaned.

"Think about it, girls!" Sweetie Belle grinned. "What does Applejack do for Apple Bloom better than any other pony!"

Scootaloo raised a hoof. "Does it have something to do with diapers?" A pink bow flew across the room and thwapped her in the face. She blinked. "... ... ...am I getting warm?"

"Duh!" Sweetie Belle's voice cracked. "She protects Apple Bloom!"

"Yeah, so?"

"So... all we have to do is put Apple Bloom into a dangerous situation so that her big sister will break out of her shell and rescue her just like the old Applejack would!"

"Perfect!" Scootaloo hopped, wings buzzing. "We're super good at making dangerous situations!"

"Just how dangerous are we talkin' about?" Apple Bloom asked, squinting. "Last time we did somethin' like this, we needed Zecora to make some special glue for that crack in the Ponyville Dam."

Scootaloo tilted her head aside. "You mean that super secret hidden crack that we made and nopony downhill knows about?"

"Yeah, that crack."

"No, I'm talking about something that we can easily control!" Sweetie Belle stood up tall with a proud hoof over her chest. "Well... that I can easily control."

"You?" Apple Bloom stared. "Seriously?"

"I'll perform a magic spell with my horn to make some stuff come to life so that we'll look like we're being attacked!"

"Uhhhh..." Scootaloo grimaced. "Sweetie Belle, didn't you just now get out of being grounded for a super-duper-long time over doing something a lot like this?"

"Uh huh!"

"Oh, good." Scootaloo smirked. "Well, as long as we're on the same page."

"Mmmmm..." Apple Bloom squirmed. "I dunno 'bout this plan..."

"Come on, Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle wrapped a hoof around her, grinning. "Do you want your sister back or don't you?"

"Er... I-I do, but..."

"Then trust me! We're gonna scare her right out of that suit and into your arms!"

"That sounds mighty painful," Apple Bloom said. "Can we work it the other way around?"

"What, the suit-part or the arms-part?"

"The arms-part."

"Heh... believe you me!" Sweetie Belle winked. "By the end of the day, you'll be cradled in Applejack's loyal hooves again like the baby you secretly are inside!"

"Hmmmm..." Apple Bloom smiled, cheeks rosy. "Y'all are the best friends a filly could ever ask for!"

"Glad to be of service!"

"You forgot one thing, Einstallion," Scootaloo said, glaring. "What if your sister catches you doing forbidden magic again?"

"Pfft! Rarity won't even come close to catching me!"

"How do you know that?"

"Because... she's headed to Sweet Apple Acres this afternoon to... uh..." Her pale face scrunched. "...something about 'wowing Applejack with brand new work duds.'"

"Are y'all serious?!" Apple Bloom winced. "Doesn't Rarity know by now that fashion won't possibly win over Applejack?!"

"Pfft! What?! Are you calling my big sister an idiot or something?!"

R

"Hurry up, Spike!" Rarity grinned ecstatically. "I just know this fashion will win over Applejack!"

"Nnnngh... guh...!" The little dragon heaved and sweated, his scaled palms gripping tight to the two handles behind him as he trudged uphill. "What... I-I don't understand is... wh-why we couldn't m-make this in two trips!"

"Because, Spike..." Rarity glanced back from where she reclined. She carefully eyed the rattling train of wheeled carts fastened to the back of the rickshaw and dangling with over two dozen glittery outfits. "...I had to oversee the transfer of these fabulous dresses that I just made! And as you well know, Applejack's apple loader has turned into a complete menace! If my gift of generosity is as potent as it was the last time I bequeathed Applejack with something, then there's still hope that I can turn my biggest mistake around on its head!"

"H-how about..." Spike hissed, dragging his lower claws through the dirt road. "...we j-just get her a suit of armor and... g-guh... beat up the apple loader around her with a... b-bunch of sledgehammers?!"

"Because th-that would be simply barbaric!"

"Actually," a voice cracked from above. "It would be too simple." Rainbow Dash flew down, frowning. "Ah jeez... Don't tell me. Now you think it's your turn."

"I don't think it's my turn, Rainbow Dash. It is my turn!" Rarity frowned through her parasol. "I'm going to stop this maniacal charade once and for all!"

"By doing what?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, gesturing wildly at the dresses. "Square dancing Applejack into oblivion?!"

"Actually, t'was my first plan, but seeing as my leg is still in a state of disrepair—"

"Darn it, Rarity!" Rainbow Dash growled. "Can't you see that this was all a horrible plan from the get-go?!"

"Well..." Rarity upturned her nose. "You certainly seemed key to play along, despite the fact! Or was that trip to Fillydelphia with Applejack just for Chyneighs Take-out? Hmmm?"

"Speaking of wh-which..." Spike glanced up at the pegasus, sweating. "Did that 'Mikey Whinniewreck' guy ever get out of traction?"

"Shuddup!" Rainbow folded her arms, frowning. "Look, I only followed your guys' plan because I wanted to be a good friend! Just like you, I didn't want to rain on Applejack's parade! But now I see I was totally fooling myself! We've all had our turns at pampering the spit outta that girl! Fluttershy took her to a rodeo! Pinkie Pie threw her a party! Twilight accompanied her to that freaky-deaky Ripley's Apples-Or-Not place...!"

"Well, there's the trouble right there!" Rarity smiled at Spike. "She wasn't appropriately dressed for any of those occasions!"

"For Pete's Sake! I'm trying to be serious here!" Rarity flew before the cart, frowning. "Don't you get it?! All we did was help Applejack have more fun! And—as if it wasn't obvious from her stupid machine shoving half of Ponyville over like friggin' dominoes—Applejack doesn't know how to have fun! She doesn't know how to have fun any better than we know how to deal with Applejack having fun!"

"Why, Rainbow Dash! What a perfectly absurd notion! After all, she's an adult just like you and me!"

"And just how does that make a lick of difference, huh?!" Rainbow Dash leaned forward. "You've seen Pinkie Pie when she gets to throw a birthday party for one of us! She goes all kaizo with mania!" Rainbow gestured. "And what about Fluttershy learning to be assertive?! Or Twilight making love to a bunch of notecards?! Or me with a chance at entering the Equestria Games?!" She leaned forward, glaring into Rarity's face. "Or you with a pair of oversized butterfly wings!"

"Erm..." Rarity squirmed deeper into the rickshaw, blushing over a nervous smile. "Yes... I-I'm st-starting to see your point..."

"I sure hope you do!" Rainbow leaned back in mid-hover. "Because this whole stinkin' game has gotta end! What Applejack needs is an honest pony telling her the honest truth!" She pointed over the nearby hills. "That stinkin' suit has got to go! It's either it or us!"

"Just give Spike and myself one last chance to give Applejack a far more entrancing alternative."

"Unngh! Rarity, for the love of Celestia—"

"Please!" The unicorn clasped two good hooves together, lips pouting. "You're loyal to Applejack! So surely you must know that if there's one remaining opportunity to encourage her fun-loving side without crushing Applejack's spirit, then surely we must pursue said option with unwavering charisma!"

"Nnnnnnngh..." Rainbow facehoofed. "Rarityyyyyy..."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?" The mare's eyes sparkled. "For Applejack's sake? She's always been loyal to us!"

"Mmmmfff..." Rainbow pulled at her face muscles and rolled her eyes back. "Fiiiine."

"Excellent!" Rarity squealed, then pointed up ahead. "We're almost there! Hurry up, Spikey Wikey! And remember! We do this just as we rehearsed!"

"Do I gotta sashay?"

"Are you kidding?! Indubitably!"

"Ohhhhhhhhh..."

E

"Okay, one question." Scootaloo skidded the wagon to a stop and looked back from her scooter. "Why the park?"

"Duh!" Sweetie Belle hopped out along with Apple Bloom. "This is the best place for a slapdown!"

"Uhhhh..." Scootaloo removed her helmet, wincing. "I think the word you're looking for is 'smackdown'."

"No... a slapdown!" Sweetie Belle smiled and reached into the wagon. "Which is my word for something that's softer than a normal brawl!"

"You say that as if you're used to getting into fights," Scootaloo said with a smirk.

"I do pretend fights with my imaginary brother all the time!"

"Ah, okay." Scootaloo blinked. "Wait. What?"

"Forgive me for bein' nosy," Apple Bloom spoke. "But how is somethin' 'soft' gonna look dangerous enough to send my big sister runnin' to help me?"

"You don't think I want you to really be in danger, do I?" Sweetie Belle said. "Nope, I learned my lesson from the sewing machines that stomped on Rarity's leg in the Boutique!" She stepped back from the wagon, pulling out a stack of bright, shiny pillows. "Tadaaaaa!"

"Oh, hey!" Apple Bloom smirked. "Yer goin' to enchant a bunch of pillows into attacking me! What a bright idea!"

"Yeah! And if we're lucky..." Sweetie Belle grinned. "...from a distance, your big sister will probably think that they're snapping turtles!"

"Unngh..." Scootaloo grimaced, shading her thin eyes from the sun's reflection off the glittery cushions. "Honestly, Sweetie Belle, could those pillow get any shinier?"

"Well, don't blame me!" Sweetie Belle frowned. "These are the diamond-dusted throw pillows from the Carousel Boutique's waiting room! They're the only ones I could get my hooves on! Rarity's got the rest of the Boutique's pillows under lock and key."

"She locks up the pillows?" Scootaloo blinked.

"That..." Apple Bloom fidgeted. "...sounds really paranoid."

Sweetie muttered, "You should see what she does to my underwear."

The other fillies exchanged blank expressions.

"Anywho!" Th-Thwap! Sweetie dropped the pillows in the middle of the park's dirt road. "This should only take a second! Apple Bloom, once I've given them the zap and they start prancing around, you start acting all scared."

"How so?"

"Scream Applejack's name. Scamper around on your hoofsies. Go... cl-climb a tree, or something. I dunno. Damsel in distress stuff."

"Oh! You mean like your sister!"

"Sure." Sweetie licked her lips. "Okay... if I-I can just remember how the Intermediate Bring to Life Spell goes..."

"How can you forget?" Scootaloo smirked. "You got grounded over it for a month!"

"Still am, actually..."

"Then what the hay are we doin' out here?"

"Getting your sister to love you again!" Sweetie Belle's face tensed. "Alright! I think I got it! Stand back!"

"Uhm... Sweetie Belle?" Scootaloo gulped. "Are you sure those pillows aren't too shiny to take this?"

"Don't be silly!" Sweetie's voice cracked. "I totally thought this through!" With a grunt, she fired a beam of magic from her tiny horn.

FLASH!

The energy promptly reflected off the glittery pillow covers, splitting up and bouncing in random directions.

P-P-P-PING!

"Oh no!" Sweetie fell back on her haunches, gasping. "I totally didn't think this through!"

"Look out!" Scootaloo wheezed.

"Duck!" Apple Bloom shoved the other two to the ground.

All around them, the spellbeams ricocheted off grass and dirt and tree bark before finally flying into several random objects. With otherworldly gurgling sounds, an aluminum trash can, three metal street lamps, a ceramic water fountain, and a wooden bench came to life.

The three fillies looked up, gasping.

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! The malevolent park furniture tore off their foundations and marched in a circle, closing in on the helpless crusaders.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"

M

"Heavens to Betsy!" Whirrr—CLACK! Whirrr—CLACK! Applejack trotted down the line of dresses with a dumb grin on her freckled face. "You've really outdone yerself, this time!"

"Mmmmm!" Rarity clapped her hooves from where she reclined on the rickshaw. "I know!" Spike lay in a breathless heap beside her. "What do you think?"

"Well, they're all mighty gorgeous!" Applejack blushed slightly. "Not that I'm a fancy judge or nothin'. My expertise is apple buckin', not runway struttin'."

"Precisely!" Rarity pointed. "Which is why I made them all out of extra-durable materials! And—look! No frills! Just plain and simple, as you love them!"

"Darn tootin'! I've never been all that much into fru-fruey nonsense!"

"I couldn't agree more!" Rarity smiled with a slight twitch. "For that reason, I made sure that this ensemble was the veritable... nnngh... antithesis of 'fru-fru.'" She gulped. "And look! They're so breezy too! J-just perfect for those long, sweltering days when you'd be bucking the apple trees... you know..." She clenched her teeth. "On yer hooves... out in the open."

"Uh huh!" Applejack stared at her, grinning.

Dead silence.

"So!" Rarity exclaimed melodically. "Ahem. Since you... uh... do seem to adore them so much, how about..." She coughed. "...kindly stepping out of that old gift I gave you and consider trying on these new gifts?!" She grinned plastically. "All twenty-four supremely expensive hoof-stitched gifts!"

"Why, that's a mighty fine idea, Rarity!" Whirrrrr! She pivoted to face her. "I just have one question."

"Er... wh-what's that?" Rarity's eyelashes fluttered.

"Do you got any of 'em in size two hundred?"

Rarity's ears drooped, as did her muzzle. "Size... t-t-two hundred?"

"Heh... y'know..." Cl-Cl-Clak! She pointed at herself with a metal limb. "So I could put 'em on the suit!"

"... ... ..." Rarity's eyes rolled back. "E-e-e-e-euhhh—!" THWOMP! She and the rickshaw fell over, fainting.

"ALRIGHT! THAT TEARS IT!"

Applejack's blinking eyes darted to the sky. "Who in tarnation—?!"

SWOOOSH! Rainbow Dash dove out of the clouds, frowning into Applejack's metal cage. "Me! Me in tarnation!"

"I'm afraid I don't speak 'raspy,' darlin'."

"You're getting out of that suit and you're getting out of it right now!" Rainbow growled.

"Hah! Are y'all kiddin'?" Applejack chuckled. "Silly Rainbow. Me and this here apple loader are inseparable!"

"Oh yeah?! Wanna test that theory?!" Rainbow Dash reached in, yanking at Applejack's fuzzy limbs. "Come on! I'll tear you out in little freckled pieces!"

"Now now, sugarcube..." Applejack frowned, clamping a pair of claws around Rainbow's figure. Sch-Schlack! "T'ain't good manners to mess with another pony's thangs. How'd you like if it I waltzed in on your lawn and tore the pages out of one of them adventure books of yers?!"

"Gnnngh!" Rainbow wheezed, her blue face turning bluer. "The difference is, AJ, that reading Daring Do doesn't make me tear down half of Ponyville like a dumb ox!"

"Pfft! Whatcha gabbin' on about now?!" Applejack chuckled. "So what if Ponyville's goin' up in smoke every now and then! You can't rightly blame that on me!"

"Applejack—"

"Why, you can't swing a dead cat without some temperamental cosmic bear or swarm of parasprites takin' pot-shots at the town every darn Tuesday!"

"Applejack, it's you!" Rainbow Dash sputtered. "It's been nothing but you! You trashed the market district! You smashed craters inside Sugarcube Corner! You turned a rodeo into Whinny War Three!"

"But... I..." Applejack's face winced, her freckles slick with sweat. "That was all me? But... b-but how...?"

"Wearing this stupid apple loader thingy has blinded you!" At last, Rainbow Dash wriggled her way out of the claws. Breathing easier, she perched on the metal limb and gazed compassionately at her friend. "Look... I get that you're having fun! What's more, I understand that it's totally a rare thing for you! But—take it from a mare who likes to party a little too hard sometimes."

Applejack squinted accusingly. Sometimes?"

"There!" Rainbow Dash pointed with a smirk. "There's the super-serious Applejack I know!" She leaned forward, gripping the bars of the metal chassis. "AJ, deep down, you're a honest pony who can take the honest truth! The other gals and I—we j-just couldn't bear to hurt your feelings when you've just now stumbled upon something that you really get a kick out of! And it's not like we don't want you to have fun! We do! It's just that you can't seem to realize that all this apple loader nonsense is only—" She paused. Slowly, her head tilted up to glance at the top of the hulking machine. "...okay, sorry. What in the buck is that."

"What?! Oh, you mean this?!" Applejack flipped a switch, spinning a servo-controlled turret at the top of her rigging. Whirrrrrrrrr! "Neat, huh?"

"It looks like an anti-artillery cannon," Rainbow Dash droned.

"That's because it is one!" Applejack pointed to where her hat dangled off the viciously curved magazine casing. "I had it attached just this mornin'! Got a sweet discount on the upgrade too!"

"What in Princess Cadance's pretty lacy pink name for?!"

"Well, mainly just for show." Applejack grinned. She bit her lip. "Mmmm... also, secondly, to scare off the vampire fruit bats. You know how much they bother me somethin' fierce."

"Uh huh."

"Oooh!" Applejack grinned and gripped a pair of triggers. "There's one now!" RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! "Vamoose, ya crazy varmint!"

Rainbow gripped her ears, wincing. She watched as the ground around them was littered all over with 0.50 caliber shells. Then, seconds later, a smoldering thing with leathery wings fell to the ground—smoldering all over with burnt embers.

"Hah! Ya see?!" Applejack pointed. "I scared the lil' sucker asleep!"

"Uhhh... actually, AJ, I think you killed it."

Applejack blinked. Wriiiiii! She pivoted to look at the burning bat. "... ... ..." Wriiii! She pivoted back to face Rainbow Dash. "Or maybe it's just playin' possum."

"Okay, playtime's over!" Rainbow took a deep breath and bit onto one of the many yellow bars of the chassis. "Rrrrrrrrnghh—grrnnkkt—comff onff!"

Applejack sighed. "Rainbow, darlin', what in the hay are you doing?"

"Tryinffff—grrrrffff—too popfff thisfff thinfff looff! Grnnngghhff!"

"It dun work that way, sugarcube. Only I can dismantle it on the inside."

"Ptooiie!" Rainbow glared at her. "You've gotta be kidding me!"

"Says so right in the manual!"

"Applejack, enough is enough! You've become a weapon of mass destruction! You've turned your back on your friends! And now I hear that you're reading?! It's time to hop out of this thing for good!"

"I have not turned my back on my friends!" Applejack frowned, planting her steam-powered limbs on her metal hips. CL-CLANK! "If nothin' else, I now have the power to help every pony in this town real proper-like! Heck, I can even be more loyal than you!"

"Oh yeah?!" Rainbow sneered. "Prove it!"

"I'd be glad to!" Applejack smirked. "Yer always wantin' me to help you with yer Wonderbolts tricks, right?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh... Right!" Cl-Clap! Rainbow's pupils shrank as she saw the claw once again clamping over her figure. "Wr-wrong!" her voice cracked.

"Well, now I can do that no problem!" Applejack licked her lips and hoisted her limb back, aiming Rainbow Dash for the sky. Wreeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ch-Chtung! "Remind me, how does this here trick go again?!"

"Applejack, p-put me down, now!"

"I launch you into the sky—right? That's step number one, ain't it?"

"I mean it!"

"Then you do several loopty-loops with the velocity I give ya—"

"No, Applejack!"

"Well, dun you worry yer fuzzy lil' head about it!"

"I-I said 'No!'"

"This'll get you into the Wonderbolts lickety-split or else my cutie mark ain't apples!"

"Darn it, Applejack, 'No' means NO!"

"Alley—" WHIRRRRRRRRRR! "—oop!"

FWOOOOOOOOOOSH! "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaplejaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaa-aa-ack!" Rainbow's voice hollered as she soared off into the horizon, becoming a little twinkling speck against the wild blue yonder.

"Yer welcome!" Applejack grinned, staring up into the sky as she flexed her limb. "Now... if only I could get a banjo attached to this thang... Whew!"

Just then, a little orange shape scampered up over the horizon. "Applejack! Applejack! You gotta come quick!"

"Whoah, there, Scootaloo!" The mare stepped back on thundering metal legs. "Don't get too close, or yer liable to become an orange stain! Heheheh... hehhhhh..." She smiled drunkenly. "That there's apple loader humor."

"No time for that!" Scootaloo pointed, shivering, over the hill. "This is about Apple Bloom!"

"Oh? Did the lil' filly forget her lunch again?! Heheh—honestly, where would she be without me?!"

"How about being beaten to a little fuzzy pulp by a bunch of rampaging outdoor furniture?!"

Whirrrrrr! Applejack leaned over. "I beg yer pardon?!"

"Okay..." Scootaloo took a deep, deep, deep breath. "So Apple Bloom was feeling extra super sad about how distant you've been lately on account of that stupid apple loader that all of your best friends hate but pretend to tolerate because they don't wanna hurt your feelings and then Sweetie Belle thought it might be a really swell idea to get Apple Bloom to fall into some peril only not real-peril just fake-peril but then the fake-peril turned into some really super duper ultra hyper dangerous peril and now we got a bunch of lampposts and benches and other random crap attacking us and I just barely got away in time to run here and tell you so that you can do something really heroic and save your little sister and turn back into the big sister who Apple Bloom remembers but really really misses!" The filly wheezed, then stood dead-still, blinking. "... ... ... wait, did you just launch Rainbow Dash into the sky?!"

"Apple Bloom...?!" Applejack hyperventilated from inside the rattling chassis. "In t-trouble...?!" She gulped. "Being attacked?!"

Just then, the ear-splitting screams of two fillies echoed over the hillsides.

Whirrrrrrrr! Applejack stood up straight, gritting her teeth. "Oh, for the love of powdered milk—HOLD ON, APPLE BLOOM!" She reached a hoof up and slapped a switch. A tiny yellow strobelight flickered to light at the top of the machine. "I'M A'COMIN'!"

THUD! TH-THUD! THUD! TH-THUD! THUD! TH-THUD! Applejack stormed down the country road at breakneck speeds, shaking the leaves and trees all around.

Scootaloo watched the heavy mech make tracks. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed in a tired heap beside Rarity and the rickshaw.

A few seconds later, Spike sat up, eyes crossed.

"'Powdered milk?!'"

A

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiie! Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiie!" Sweetie Belle screamed and screamed from where she perched high in a tree. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiieee!"

"Sweetie B-Belle!" Apple Bloom panted and stammered, trying her vain best to climb up onto a low-hanging branch while lampposts herded around her. "Stop screamin' yer head off and help me!"

"I dunno howwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Sweetie Belle wailed, tears flowing.

"How 'bout usin' yer dag-blame'd magic?!" Apple hissed, kicking away at the metal limbs reaching for her. "Your horn got us into this mess! Can't it make these creepy thangs stop!"

"I caa-aa-aan't!"

"Why not?!"

"Refractory period!"

"What the h-hay is a refractory period?!"

Sweetie Belle sniffled. "It's Rarity's explanation for why I-I can't use my magic twice in a row!"

"Nnnngh!" Apple Bloom grunted, knocking back one lamppost after another. "Get away from me, will ya?!"

"Also something about her handsome pen pal in Neigheria ignorin' her for a full week!"

"Aaaack!" Apple Bloom gasped as one lamppost finally grabbed her and slammed her to the grassy hill below. "Ooof!"

"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle wailed.

"No!" Apple Bloom scampered away from the stomping "legs" of the lampposts. "No no no n-no!" She zig-zagged around a bouncing trash can—only to be doused in the face by an animated water fountain. "Blarghlblarghlrarghl!" Thw-Thwomp! She fell back on her rump. "Ooof!" Wincing in pain, she looked up. "Oh no..."

Hissing like a cobra, a menacing wooden bench leered above her. Its backpiece splintered off into two jagged "arms" and aimed one murderously at the filly's sensitive throat.

"Mmmph!" Apple Bloom gulped and covered her face. "Applejack! Please! Save me, big sis! Save meeee!"

The bench reared its splintery spike, about to strike—

Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack!

With a jolt, the outdoor furniture stopped. It spun around with a crackling hiss, craning its "neck" towards the hilltop.

Slowly, a suited mare marched up, her yellow strobelight flickering across the countryside.

Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack!

Applejack lurched to a stop, bearing the mother of all scowls.

"Get away from her, you bench!"

The wooden furniture merely hissed and charged straight at the mare.

CL-CLANK! Applejack turned her forelimbs to metal claws and spread them wide. "Come onnnn!" Grunting, she gave the rampaging bench a right hook. "Haaaugh!" WHUDDD!

The artificial monster rolled to the side, shrieking in artificial pain.

As Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom watched—gawking—the lampposts stampeded uphill in the bench's place.

"COME ONNNN!" With warrior-esque grunts, Applejack uppercutted one lamppost and gave the second one a headbutt with the bars of her golden chassis. THWACK! CRACK!

Crumpled soda cans and plastic bags of dog poop pelted the apple loader from afar.

"Nnnngh!" Applejack sneered, glaring to her side.

The trash can was strafing across the dirt road, launching projectile after projectile of garbage.

"Haaaaaugh!" Applejack flung a claw to the side. Whirrrrrrrrr—CLAMP! She grasped the last remaining lamppost, then snapped it in two over a metal knee. CRACK! "Go fetch, ya mangy varmint!" She launched half of the lamppost like a javelin.

SCHLUNKKK! The trash can was impaled through its middle. It rolled over to the side of the road where it made quiet little trash can death rattles.

WHIRRRR Applejack spun around—THUD!—only to be pounced on by the ceramic water fountain. "Whoah nelly!"

The bowl of the fountain loomed up to the metal bars. Its spicket swiveled and fired a jet of water.

"Gaaugh!" Applejack dodged her head to the left.

The spicket fired again.

Applejack's head jerked to the right of the chassis. Snarling, she converted one metal limb into a drill and slammed it into the heart of the fountain. With crumbling plaster, the ceramic structure ruptured, spilling water all over the place.

"Yer all washed up!" Grunting, Applejack tossed the remaining, twitching bits onto the ground and—CRUNNNNCH!—viciously curb-stomped it to dust. "Nnnngh!" She stood in the flexing machine, panting heavily. Tossing her sweat-stained bangs back, the flushed mare looked across the park.

The wooden bench was just getting up and "looking" at her.

"Alrighty then..." Applejack smirked devilishly and motioned with a metal hoof. Wrii-Wrii-Whirr! "About that dance..."

The bench let out a roar and charged across the field.

"Rrrhhtt!" Applejack yanked both control levers forward. STOMP STOMP STOMP! She met the bench halfway with a clap of thunder—POWWWW!—sending vaporous bursts of air rippling across the high-grass in every direction. When the atmosphere above Ponyville settled, both the apple loader and the bench were locked in grueling, mortal combat.

The bench detached more of its wooden planks, morphing them into a splintery wooden sickle that lashed and lashed at the living, breathing pony inside the loader. SCHIIING! SCHIIIING—CL-CLANK!

"Nnnngh... th-that's the way you wanna play?!" Applejack spat saliva and blood. "Well, alright!" Cl-Clakkk! The suit's right metal limb switched to a flame thrower. "Need a light?"

FWOOOOOOOOMB!

The bench shrieked and thrashed about as every inch of its abominable body caught aflame. It soon melted into a charred, smoldering mess in the apple loader's grip.

"This here ain't my first rodeo, ya mangy varmint!" Then Applejack hollered at the top of her lungs, suplexing the crispy bench into oblivion. "Haaaaaaaugh!" SMASSSH!

As the dust cleared, the bench was nothing more than a black spot in the soil.

Whirrrrrr! Applejack leaned the loader close enough to spit on the ashes. "Ptooie! Now that is what I call a trip to the woodshed!" Wriiiii! She spun about, grinning. "Apple Bloom! Don't you worry none! It's all over!" She blinked, her smile fading. "...Apple Bloom?!"

The only pony to be seen was Sweetie Belle, rocking back and forth on a tree branch. "So... m-many... explosions..." she whimpered with a thousand-mile stare. "They sh-should have sent a poet..."

"Sweetie Belle!" Thud! Thud! Thud! Applejack marched up and carefully picked the filly up between two metal limbs. "Yer alright! Thank goodness!"

"I'm wet in places I've n-never been wet before..."

"Sweetie Belle, darlin'..." Applejack leaned forward. "Where's Apple Bloom? Did you see what happened to her?"

"Mmmmhmmm..." Sweetie gulped and pointed over the hillside. "She ran in that direction."

"She did?!" Applejack panted. "Why... wh-what in blazes for?!"

"She didn't say. She just scampered off." Sweetie Belle stared up, lip quivering. "Does this m-mean I have to wear diapers again?"

"You just sit right here and wait for my friends to come get you!" Applejack gently placed the filly down and tore off towards the woods. "Apple Bloom!" Th-Thud! Th-Thud! Th-Thud! "Don't run, lil' sis! Wait for me!"

Sweetie Belle shivered, hugging herself. "Because Rarity likes to lock those up too..."

C

"Well, I for one am glad for some peace and serenity for once!" Rarity slapped two halves of a foamy cast onto the table and grinned. "So, while we are here for this most delightful 'Cast Removal Party' that Pinkie Pie has so graciously thrown us, allow me to propose a toast before some unforeseen calamity of metallic nature rudely interrupts us!"

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww shucks, Rarity!" Applejack rolled her eyes inside Sugarcube Corner. "Must you rub it in?! I done gave that thang away for over a week now!"

"I know!" Rarity grinned. "Hence, the toast. Now let's see... ahem." Her facial muscles tightened as she spoke in a serious tone: "'To the mending of ponies—their legs as well as their souls, for both are fragile when it comes to fractures as well as support! But, in the end, it is family and friendship that serve up the best medicine!'"

"Agreed!" Fluttershy smiled.

"Amen!" Twilight lifted her glass.

"I'll drink to anything!" Pinkie Pie grinned. "Even Gummy's eye boogers!"

"And on that wonderful note!" Applejack raised her glass against all of the other girls'. "To havin' fun the healthy way!"

"Here here!"

Cl-Cl-Clink!

All five mares took mighty sips and leaned back in their seats, exhaling blissfully.

"Hmmmmmmm..." Pinkie grinned stupidly. "That's some good suds!"

Applejack cleared her throat. "I know that we're here to celebrate Rarity's leg bein' healed n'all—"

"Almost healed," Rarity said with a wink. "Doctor Horse says I should stay off it for at least another week."

"Oh dear..." Fluttershy winced. "How will you be able to get around town?"

"You need not worry!" Rarity grinned. "Sweetie Belle is on rickshaw duty for the time being."

Twilight and Pinkie giggled.

"Heheheh..." Applejack grinned. "Like I was sayin'. I realize now that I was bein' a real big pain in the patooty these last few weeks, and I'm awful sorry." She sighed, staring melancholically at her hoof as she drew invisible circles on the table-top. "Honestly, I am."

"And honestly, we can forgive you!" Twilight said with a smile.

"I appreciate it, Twilight. But how can y'all do that so easily?" Applejack looked up sadly. "After the way I was carryin' on all chaotic-like?" She sighed. "I sure gave Discord the run for his money."

"Applejack, we all realized that—deep down—you were having fun!" Fluttershy said. "Perhaps the first true, real fun you've had in a long time!"

"If ever!" Rarity added.

"But I have plenty'o'fun all the time just by bein' around y'all!" Applejack exclaimed. "Not to mention helpin' y'all around town! And... j-just being there for you when you need a pony you can depend on." She gulped. "Like my family."

"We know that, Applejack," Twilight said. "You're one of the kindest, most thoughtful ponies we know. We all rest easy knowing that you're always willing to be there for us in any scenario."

"It's just that this... well..." Applejack bit her lip. "This apple loader thingy was a different kind of fun. And... I-I reckon it went to my head a lot faster than I was willin' to admit at the time."

"Applejack, it's okay to be a little bit selfish from time to time," Rarity said. "I certainly have experience in that department."

"We know!" three of the girls chanted at once before breaking into a chorus of giggles.

Rarity smirked and rolled her eyes. "Yes, well... There's no problem with indulging in some 'me-time.' It's only when it turns into a calamity for the ponies around you that you need to reassess your priorities."

"Just like we've had to," Twilight said, her lavender face flickering with regret. "When we realized that you were enjoying yourself so much, we hesitated in coming to you with the full truth! We somehow thought that by giving you something you would enjoy more, then you just might get bored of the apple loader and move on!"

"We should have had the wherewithal to know that lavishing you with even more luxury wasn't a way to fix the problem," Rarity said.

"So..." Applejack squirmed slightly. "You ain't sore about me passin' up all them glittery, fancy dresses you made for me?"

"Mmmm..." Rarity took a deep breath, then said through a practiced smile. "Not at a-all!"

"Oh, whew!" Applejack fanned herself. "That's mighy fine!" She rolled her eyes and smiled. "'Cuz I'd much rather hike my way up a volcano than see myself in any of them silly over-laced dishrags! Eh heh heh heh!"

Rarity clenched her teeth as her temple pulsed. "I see..." She clenched her glass to the breaking point. "You are... back to your usual, honest self..."

"Oh Applejack..." Fluttershy spoke up. "I only hope you can forgive us for not respecting you enough to realize that you would make the right decision when you heard the truth." Her ears drooped. "We're sorry."

"Awwwww... no big whoop, sugarcubes." Applejack sipped from her glass as she leaned against the table with a smirk. "To tell the truth, I'm not sure any of y'all would have gotten through to me even if you tried! I was enchanted mighty hard by that there mech-suit." She shuddered. "Yeesh, I hate to admit it, but I still feel goosebumps when I think about all the work around the farm I could have gotten done."

"Well!" Rarity grinned. "It's a good thing you trashed that horrible, animated bench and its gang of cursed miscreants who tried to squash Sweetie Belle and her friends! I imagine that shook the goosebumps clean off!"

"Heh! It sure as sugar did!"

"Say, that reminds me!" Pinkie Pie blinked at the others. "Have any of you girls seen Lyra Heartstrings lately? She seemed really sad all of the sudden..."

"What matters is that everypony at this here table has everythang to be happy for!" Applejack proclaimed, slapping her hoof down. "I ain't ever lettin' something like that apple loader get to my head ever again!"

"Nnnngh..." Rarity winced, stretching her leg. "Easy on the t-table, darling."

"Whoops..." Applejack's freckles swam in a blush. "Sorry..."

"Uhm, forgive me for nuzzling a sore subject, but..." Fluttershy squirmed. "Just where is the apple loader at this point? It's not still in Ponyville, I hope?"

"Heavens, no!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed. "I had Spike wheel it out of town starting the day before yesterday!"

"What?!" Fluttershy gawked. "All by his little self?!"

"Well, it was that or let Applejack help him!" Twilight snickered. "And there's no way in Tartarus we're letting her hear that loader again!"

"Darn tootin'!" Applejack sipped, gulped, and pointed. "Besides! I've been busy as a beaver these last few days! Helpin' around town!"

"That's right!" Twilight nodded. "You've been back to the friendly neighborhood Applejack we all know and love!" She pointed out the window. "Mending the hotel roof!" She pointed out the other window. "Volunteering to sell Octavia's musical instruments!" She pointed at the wall right beside them. "Patching up Sugarcube Corner so that it's good as new!"

SMASSSSSSSSSSSSH! A hole exploded in the wall, showering the party table with chunks of wood and plaster. Fluttershy and Rarity shrieked while Twilight squinted through the mess with a beam of violet magic.

"What... in th-the heck?!" Twilight stammered.

"Hey!" Pinkie bounced. "Rainbow, you're back!"

WHIRRRRRRRRRRR! "You can say that again!" As the smoke cleared, the silhouette of a metal valkyrie came into focus. Rainbow Dash hovered directly outside the shattered eatery, her body clad in a rocket-propelled suit with dual spinning rotary blades. Wreeeee-Chtung! She loaded another rocket into a shoulder mounted launcher, hissing through the vaporous spray of fuel exhaust. "And I'm totally not here for tea and cookies!"

"Rainbow...?!" Twilight coughed and waved away the smoke in front of her fuzzy muzzle. "Where in Equestria did you get that mech suit?!"

"In Stalliongrad!" Rainbow's eyes instantly darted towards Applejack, glinting with menace. "Where I landed!"

"N-now now, Sugarcube..." Applejack backed up nervously, waving a hoof. "Y'all ain't still mad over that lil' st-stunt I helped you with days ago, huh?!"

"No no no no..." Rainbow Dash grinned crookedly. "Not mad at all!" Sch-Sclankkk! She launched a metal cable forward that lasso'd around Applejack's chest.

"Grkkkk!" Applejack wheezed as she was hoisted off the ground.

"I just came here to return the favor!" FWOOOSH! Rainbow Dash ascended past the rooftops above Ponyville with Applejack in tow. "Let's teach you a new trick, AJ! You're going to learn how to buck trees... from the Stratosphere!"

"Con sarn it! I've learned my lesson, Rainbow! Guh! Rainbow, stop!" Flailing, Applejack reached a hoof down towards the hole in Sugarcube Corner. "Rarity! For Celestia's sake! Help me!"

"Sorry, Applejack." Rarity daintily lifted her glass to a pair of smiling lips while she wriggled her leg. "A lady needs to mend from all her wounds." She winked and took a sip. "After all, I'll be busy with the 'dishrags.'"

"Here's the wind-up..." Whirrrrrrrr-Clank! Rainbow pulled Applejack back in the grip of the hover-mech's cable. "...and the pitch!"

"Darn it, Rainbow! No! 'No' means no—!"

"Play ball!" FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

Every pony's head in Ponyville turned, watching an orange streak become a tiny speck along the horizon.

"Raiiiiiiiiiiiiiinbowwwwwwww Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaa-aa-ash!" (Ping!)

"Hah!" Rainbow spun in her hoversuit and spat onto the ground below. "Let's see them sell that in Fillydelphia!"

Author's Note

A

"You gettin' enough fresh air back there, Rarity?" Applejack asked, smiling in a bouncy trot.

"Oh, most assuredly, Applejack." Rarity reclined inside the wagon that Applejack was drawing down a country road outside Ponyville. The full sun was out, so the unicorn was adorned in thick shades and a broad-rimmed sunhat. To top it off, Spike stood in the very back of the cart, holding an umbrella over Rarity's head with one hand and fanning her with the other. "But you mustn't be concerned with me! You've already done more than enough for my tender, delicate self!"

"Awwww hayseeds..." Applejack rolled her eyes with a smirk. "Are y'all gonna go on about that again?"

"And why shouldn't I?" Rarity sat up with a pouty expression. "You saved my life, Applejack! How m-many occasions does that make it in the entire time that we've known each other?"

"Reckon I don't take no stock in quantifyin' what a friend should do for another friend."

"Well, you've certainly outdone yourself this time." Rarity gestured at her lower left leg which was bandaged and propped up on a pillow towards the front of the wagon. "This most recent calamity almost cost me the ability to trot! And yet, thanks to you, darling, I've gotten a new lease on my fashion and modeling career!"

"I would especially have hated to see the latter go to waste!" Spike said with a rosy-scaled grin. "Nopony should ever have to limp on the runway, especially a pony as beautiful and gracious and magnificent and—"

"Spike, dear, less drooling and more fanning."

"Er..." Spike wiped his chin and whiffed the fan faster against Rarity's face. "Y-yes, Rarity."

Rarity continued on. "I mean it, Applejack! The way you just galloped into the Carousel Boutique and swept me so heroically from certain peril! Why, if a handsome stallion had done anything remotely like that, I assure you..." She giggled and swooned under Spike's umbrella. "I would assuredly be engaged by now!"

"Shucks, Rarity." Applejack smiled bashfully while pulling the wagon over a hill. "I only did what I'm sure all y'all would have done for me in the same situation."

"Well, it's certainly not a situation that bears repeating."

"Answer me one thang." Applejack turned to squint over her shoulder. "Just what in tarnation caused all of yer furniture and sewing kits to come to life and attack you in the first place?!"

"Unngh..." Rarity tossed her head back. "Trust me. You do not want to know—"

"Isn't it obvious?!" Spike smirked. "Sweetie Belle was practicing an Intermediate 'Bring to Life' Spell that she learned from Twilight's library, and it backfired!"

Rarity glared at him.

"Erm..." Spike gulped. "At least... th-that's what a little parasprite told me."

"Hah! No kiddin'?!" Applejack snickered. "And here I thought it was just another one of ol' Discord's dag-gum pranks!"

"Ahem. Truthfully, it was the result of my sister's ill-wise exercise," Rarity said, nose upturned. "But you needn't worry! Sweetie Belle has been appropriately chastised for her actions. I'll have you know that I've grounded that precocious little filly indefinitely. What's more, she's forbidden from practicing magic for a month!"

"Awwwww... don't be too hard on her, Rarity!" Applejack smiled, trotting. "You should be proud that the lil' rascal's got that much juice in her magical noggin'! Why, each day Apple Bloom gets better and better at her alchemy shtick, and I couldn't be prouder!"

"Applejack, the day that your darling little sibling accidentally makes a potion that transforms farm equipment into sentient assassins, I can only hope you are as forgiving!"

"Well, I'm just glad you weren't too terribly hurt." Applejack snickered. "Gotta say—you haven't lived until you've drop-kicked a gallopin' sewing machine into submission!"

Spike chuckled.

Rarity rolled her eyes under her shades. "Well, I'm glad you found some enjoyment in the whole mess. It makes what comes next all the more gratifying."

"Just what in the hay did ya ask me to drag y'all out here for anyways?" Applejack asked, squinting into the sunlight. "Not that I'm complainin'! I enjoy some fancy time out with my friends anyday, but gettin' this much sunlight just ain't like you, Rarity."

"Just trot a few more steps, Applejack!" Rarity clasped her forelimbs together, fighting back a delightful squeal. "Take us around the bend until you see it!"

"Until I see what?" Applejack's green eyes twitched, and she came to a skidding stop, along with the rattling wagon behind her. "Whoah nelly! Uhhhhhhh..." She tilted her head to the side with a curious expression. Before them, parked on the edge of a green field, was a big bulky object shrouded with an olive green canvas tarp. A huge white tag dangled off the corner of it, labeled with the name "Applejack" in ridiculously elegant font. "Rarity, sugarcube? What's all this?"

"A very good question indeed." Rarity cleared her throat and smiled back at Spike. "Ohhhhhhhh Spikey Wikey? If you would be so kind."

"With pleasure!" Spike jumped down.

"Do leave the umbrella, dear." Rarity magically levitated the parasol above herself as she gestured at the dragon from where she reclined. "Now go on. Mmmm—Just like we rehearsed."

"'Rehearsed?'" Applejack frowned. "Now, Rarity, you know I dun take kindly to surprises."

"Well, you are certainly going to take a liking to this one!" Rarity squirmed with anticipation. "As a matter of fact, I have full faith that it shall transform your entire life for the better!"

"Hrmmmm..." Applejack squirmed as she detached herself from the wagon. "I wouldn't bet on that..." She sighed lengthily, bearing a tired smile. "But I can tell yer chompin' at the bit to unveil this thang—whatever it is. So let's get the whole thang over with!"

"Oh please, darling! A certain ceremony is in order! Ahem..." Rarity smiled delicately at the dragon beside the canvas tarp. "Spiiiiike?"

"Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres!" The whelp bowed low, scales glinting in the sunlight. He paused, fumbled with his wrists, and produced a note-card that he proceeded to read from: "'For your courage in the face of certain magical danger, for your selfless loyalty to your fellow friends, for your constant and unwavering intestinal fornication—'"

"That's fortitude, Spike!" Rarity hissed.

"Well, don't blame me!" the dragon hatchling hissed back. "I can't tell if I'm reading a speech or a bunch of elegantly drawn seagulls!" He instantly winced. "But... th-they're very pretty seagulls!"

Applejack chuckled.

"Yes, well..." Rarity shaded her face, blushing. "Do carry on, spike."

He finished the rest of the note: "'And for your religious thrashing of a rampaging herd of animated sewing equipment, I, Rarity of Carousel Boutique, do graciously and gladly give this to you: a token of my appreciation, a well-earned trophy for Ponyville's most humble and altruistic hard worker!'"

"Heheheh..." Applejack turned, smirking. "Y'know, Rarity, a cup of coffee woulda worked just fine and dandy!"

"Oh hush—Spike?!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand—" Spike yanked the green shroud with one claw, exposing a tall mess of golden metal bars and silver hydraulic motors that glinted in the sunlight. "Voila!"

The resulting blink of Applejack's eyelids could be heard across a twenty meter radius. "Uhhhhh... erm..."

"Eeeeee!" Rarity clapped her hooves, grinning from ear to ear. "Do you like it? Hmmm? Do you?!"

"I... uh..." Applejack took her hat off and rubbed her scalp. "I'll be darned if I even know what it is."

"Wh-what?!" Rarity blinked. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Rarity, sugarcube." Applejack smiled politely at her. "This is sweet of you n'all, but I think I've done outgrowned my own jungle gym."

"It is no such thing!" Rarity pouted. "It's a... a..." She grumbled in frustration and shouted, "Spike?!"

"R-right! Uhhhh..." He crawled under the machine's chassis, staring up between the metal legs. "Says here it's a 'Crystal Powered Servomatic Apple Loader 4000!'"

"A crystal poofy what now?"

"An apple loader, Applejack!" Rarity said, beaming. "State of the art! Fresh from the factory!" She giggled inwardly. "And it's all yours, darling!"

"Uhhhh..." Applejack navigated a perpetual wince as she stared up, up, up at the hulking thing. "I s-see..."

"Haven't you always wanted one?"

"Reckon I've never heard of one."

"Surely, you j-jest!"

"What's it supposed to be?" Applejack tapped the thing with one hoof. Cl-Clank! "Somethin' to do with apples? Am I supposed to insert them somewhere?"

"No, silly, you're supposed to harvest them with it!"

"Harvest apples?!" Applejack guffawed, fanning herself with her hat. "Rarity, darlin', I've got Bucky McGillicutty and Kicks McGee for that!"

"Well, this will m-make it a whole lot easier!"

"You mean it'll just Flim-n-Flam up what Big Mac and I already do all good and natural-like!"

"Honestly, Applejack!" Rarity sat up, winced from her leg, and squinted down at her. "You've wanted this thing for a long time now!"

"Have I?"

"Haven't you?!" Rarity gestured with a hoof. "Every day that I've visited your farm as of late, I see that large catalogue of yours sitting open to the page with this very same Apple Loader on it!"

"What catalogue?"

"The Shears Rosebuck Catalogue! You know the one! It's on the table outside on your front porch!"

"Heh heh heh heh..." Applejack slapped her hat back on, blushing slightly. "Rarity—I hate to break it to ya, darlin'—but the only reason the family keeps that catalogue outside like that is because it's on the way to the outhouse!"

"Huh?" Rarity blinked. Four and a half seconds later—"Oh! Gross gross gross!" She curled her forelimbs to her chest, wincing. "No wonder there were so m-many pages missing!"

"But this sure is... uhhh... swell of you to do," Applejack said, trotting around the mechanical yellow beast. "Thinkin' of me n'all—" She froze in place, then glared Rarity's way. "It didn't cost y'all a fortune, did it?"

"Don't be ridiculous. And even if it did, such would be a trade secret, darling."

"Nnnnngh... Rarityyyyy..."

"Oh please, don't ruin the moment! It's my gift to you for being such a dear friend, not to mention saving my life from magical sewing equipment run amok!" Rarity sighed with a calm smile. "Seriously—if you must know, a lady such as myself has her connections in the Canterlot business world. It wasn't quite the money-sink you think it is, so don't despair."

"Well..." Applejack breathed easier, staring up at the dormant thing. "Alrighty, then."

"Aren't you going to try it out?"

"Rarity, sugarcube, I ain't kiddin'!" Applejack sighed. "I have no need for a dag-gum... apple bucking buddy!"

"Why, it's far more intricate and useful than that!" Rarity smiled. "Why don't you step inside and give it a whirl?"

"Y-you mean I'm supposed to get inside this here doohickey?!" Applejack grimaced.

"Well, it most certainly won't get inside you!"

"Come on, AJ!" Spike tugged on Applejack's tail and pointed up at the machine. "Rarity poured her heart and soul into this! Would you wanna break her heart?" The dragon grinned. "I know I wouldn't."

"Hrmmm... that much is mighty obvious."

"Just give it a whirl!" he said. "I promise it won't hurt you!"

Applejack sighed and sighed harder. She hung her head with folded ears. "... ... ...okay."

"Mmmmm!" Rarity squealed, rocking the wagon. "Fabulous! N-n-now careful stepping into it! Why don't you let Spike give you a hand, darling. Or a claw, as t'were."

"I got it," Applejack growled, crawling up into the hollow of the loader's vacious exoskeleton. "Although... uh..." Her drawl echoed off the bars, bars, bars. "Reckon I don't know where my hooves go—"

"Into these braces, see?" Spike pointed. "Where the loader's legs are—"

"Oh, so those are what those are!"

"Yeah! That's the whole idea! Jee, AJ, what'd you expect?"

"I dunno. Thought it was... some sort of fancy tripod or what-not—"

"And slip your tail behind there—That's it!"

"Ooomf!" Applejack winced, ducking her head forward. "Kind of cramped in all this mess—"

"Oh!" Spike climbed up on a bar and reached in. "Better let me take your hat."

"What in tarnation?! Spike—!"

"There!" The dragon hopped down with the article in question. He smirked. "And just slip your last leg in—like that! And hey! Snug as a bug under a rug!"

"Yeah, well, this bug feels doggone silly," Applejack grumbled. She fidgeted inside the metal restraints, her body braced to look like a living pony stuck inside the shell of a larger, metal pony. "What now?"

"Uhhhh... according to the manual, you hit the actuator button."

"The what?"

"That red switch right there."

"Don't I need magic or somethin'?"

"Nope! The crystals do all the mana-channeling for you! That's the beauty of it!"

"Uh huh..."

"Tell her to turn it on, Spike!" Rarity insisted from the wagon.

"R-right!" Spike cleared his throat. "'Turn it on, Spike—'Er... I-I mean—"

"I get what you mean. Ahem. Here goes nothin', y'all." Applejack tapped a red switch.

Vrmmmmmmmmmmm-Bzzzzt! Tesla coils located at the rear of the vehicle sparked to life. Crystal nodes strobed across the central reinforcement pylon. Whirrrrrrrrrr! With tufts of steam, the hydraulics and servo motors came to life. Cht-Chtung! Chtung! Applejack squirmed—and as a result the hulking metal legs clattered and thudded in the soft soil. Thoom! Th-Thoom!

"Land's sakes..." Applejack sweated nervously. "Sure is a noisy little clanker, ain't it?"

"Little?" Rarity smirked. "Applejack, darling, this is the largest model they have to offer! The brochure says that it can shake all the fruit off of a single tree in less than twenty seconds! It makes Romantic Era weapons of war look like tin toys!"

"Well, I ain't fixin' to be wagin' no police action across my orchards! So maybe this was a bad id—"

"Please! Don't put the wagon before... erm... yourself. Ahem." Rarity gestured daintily with her hoof. "Why don't you—as you say—'give it a whirl?' Hmmmm?" She smiled pleasantly, eyelashes fluttering.

Applejack gazed down at Rarity from the machine. Gradually, her freckled grimace gave way to a loose sigh as she caved in. "Mmmrrrrrmmmffff... if y'all insist, Rarity. Move aside, Spike."

"Heh, way ahead of you... or aside of you..."

Whirrrrrrrrrrrr! Cl-Clank! Clank! Clank! Cl-Clunk! Applejack thundered around with the machine, "trotting" in a wide circle, making the soil of the dirt road and the wheels of the nearby wagon shake with each monumental step. Clank! Clunk! Clunk! Clank!

"Hmmmm..." Applejack's face scrunched up, her golden bangs flouncing airily with each step.

"'Hmmmm?'" Rarity leaned forward from where she sat. "Is that a good 'Hmmmm?' or a bad 'Hmmmm?'"

"Reckon I don't know yet..." Applejack's brow furrowed above a serious expression as she stepped and marched in a earth-dragging circle. Clank! Clank! Cl-Clank! "She certainly moves faster than I expected..."

"Hey, Rarity!" Spike pointed. "AJ called it 'she!'"

"Oh, Marvelous!" Rarity clapped her hooves. "That means she's getting attached already!"

"That means a whole heap'o'nothin'!" Applejack frowned. "I'm just... gettin' my bearin's is all!" Whirrrrrrr! Th-Thud! She came to a wobbly stop, then raised a forelimb, causing the left metal arm of the loader to extend outward(VREEEEEK!), rotating between several random tools, hooks, and grapplers. Cl-Cl-Cl-Clakk! "Why's it gotta be so heapin' complicated, anyways?"

"Well, surely there was a manual that came with it. Wasn't there, Spike?"

"Uhm—"

"Awwww shoot, you mean I gotta read a whole encyclopedia in order to use this thang too?!"

"Well, it's all part of the experience, darling," Rarity said. She smiled. "I have every confidence that—with this device—you'll be increasing the surplus of your apple harvest by tenfold overnight!"

"Yeah, not to mention makin' a royal ruckus overnight! Heavens to Betsy! The way this thang rattles on, I'll be summoning a whole band of neighbors with torches and pitchforks at my front door!"

"Now now, Applejack, don't dramatize. That's my job."

"This was mighty kind of you, Rarity, but—I really dun think I can make much use out of this—"

"You've barely slipped it on!"

"The way you say that makes it sound like an evenin' gown!"

"How about this?" Rarity smirked. "One week."

"Huh?"

"Keep it for one week. Try it out. See how you like it."

"Rarity..."

"One week! That's all I ask!" Rarity's lips curved more. "And if you still don't like it, then we will call it a wrap and I won't think any less of you."

"Hrmmmm..." Applejack sighed quietly, then smiled. "Shucks, who am I to rain on yer generosity parade?"

"That's more like it!"

"But I ain't promisin' anythang!" Applejack pointed, causing a metal leg to thrust forward. "After all, there's no tellin' just what Granny and Big Mac will think of this behemoth takin' up so much selfish space in the barn!" P-POW! Rarity and Spike jumped as Applejack accidentally fired a grappling hook that flew for the full length of one hundred feet before dragging into the earth. "...huh... well ain't that fancy?"

P

"Are you comfortable, Rarity?" Twilight Sparkle asked pleasantly as she trotted across the library, hovering a stack of books. "Or would you like another pillow?"

"Erm... n-no thank you, Twilight." Rarity lay back on a mountain of cushions, her bandaged leg propped up on a coffee table as she stared dully out a sunlit window. "I'm quite relaxed, really."

"Are you sure?" Twilight paused in shelving tomes, her wings twitching as she blinked with concern. "You seem preoccupied."

"Mmmm... I cannot help it."

"I invited you over for some tea and poetry, b-but if you're not feeling up for it, then I won't be offended!" Twilight smiled sweetly. "You're still having to rest and recover, after all—"

"No, Twilight, I'm very glad to be here." Rarity turned her head towards Twilight with a reassuring grin. "Your company is most rewarding."

"Then what's wrong, Rarity? You can tell me." Twilight trotted over and rested a hoof on the mare's shoulder. "Are... Are y-you still steamed up over what Sweetie Belle did?"

"Oh, good gracious, no!" Rarity blinked. "Well, maybe a little, but that's not the issue at hoof—"

"I hope you're not punishing her too hard." Twilight's cheeks reddened slightly. "After all, the whole thing's kinda sorta my fault..."

"Your fault?!"

"Well, it was here in this library that the girls first saw me perform the 'Come to Life' spell." Twilight rubbed one forelimb with the other, bashfully. "And I've been encouraging Sweetie to use her magic more, but only with the best interests in their talents—"

"Twilight, darling, I admire what you have been doing for Sweetie and her friends." Rarity chuckled airily. "Surely, it keeps them from engaging in random and self-destructive 'crusader' antics." A beat. Rarity glared daggers at the floor. "Most of the time."

Twilight winced. "Yeahhhh..."

Spike waddled in the background, carrying a stack of books. "Is it true that Sweetie Belle made the sewing machine climb up the wall to get to you?"

"Nnnngh..." Rarity face-hoofed. "I'd rather not recall. That afternoon forever exists only in nightmares."

Twilight frowned at Spike, then gazed on Rarity once more. "Is that it, then?" She squeezed the mare's shoulder. "You're reliving that horrible afternoon in your head?"

"Twilight, it wasn't entirely horrible. After all, Applejack's heroic intervention far outshone any sense of calamity."

"Yes..." Twilight smiled. "She really was a life-saver, huh?"

"Now and forever."

"Then what's troubling you, Rarity? If I may ask?"

"She's just cheesed that Applejack isn't warming up to her 'thank you' gift," Spike said with a yawn.

"Spiiiiike!" Twilight frowned. "I'm asking Rarity, not you!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhh what's the use?!" Rarity slumped back on her cushions, wailing melodramatically to the wooden ceiling. "He's right! He's right! Applejack hates it! She loathes the gift I gave her!"

"What?! No!" Twilight shook her head. "Don't say that, Rarity!"

"But it's truuuuuu-uuuu-uuue!"

"You know Applejack!" Twilight smiled nervously. "She just... uh... isn't so great at accepting change! Believe me." She cleared her throat, flexing and unflexing her wings. "I know the feeling first-hoof."

"Mmmmfnnngh... you're right..."

"Of course I'm right!"

"Ugh!" Rarity tossed her head, frowning. "Honestly! Why does Applejack have to be the absolute worst pony to buy presents for?!"

Twilight giggled. "Well, you just explained it to yourself with one word: 'Honestly!'" She smirked. "Usually, giving gifts is a way of appeasing one another, but that doesn't quite work with Applejack, now does it? That mare just..." Twilight waved her hoof. "...prefers that we be ourselves around her. That's enough compensation on its own!"

"Twilight, darling, for me to be myself with Applejack—I have to give!" Rarity gazed up at Twilight with a pouty face. "It's the best way I can express who and what I am!"

Twilight nodded. "But as important as it is for you to give gifts, it's just not the same for Applejack to receive them! I know you were looking forward to giving her the Apple Lancer—"

"Apple Loader."

"R-right... ahem..." Twilight leaned hear head to the side. "But sometimes you just have to accept the fact that friends aren't always going to be on board for what you surprise them with! Why, if I had a bit for every time I chose to refund a teddy bear that Moondancer gave me back in Canterlot—"

Spike shuffled by, droning: "You'd have a fortune to pay me for all the awkward trips I made to the department store for you."

"Spiiiiike..."

"Nnngh..." Rarity sat up, wincing from her leg. "Perhaps you're right, Twilight." A sigh. "Perhaps this Apple Loader gift was... m-more about me than it was about Applejack."

"Awwwww..." Twilight's ears folded. "Rarity..."

Rarity tilted her nose up proudly. "It's just that I am truly, truly greatful for all Applejack has done to protect the likes of us, and this last occasion at Carousel Boutique takes the cake—so to speak." Rarity gazed at Twilight with glossy eyes. "I j-just wish that my good qualities could do for her what hers have done for me."

"Hmmmm..." Twilight tapped her fuzzy chin, then smiled. "How about this?" She gripped Rarity's shoulders. "If you're really that concerned about Applejack and the gift you gave her, let's just be upfront with her about it! After all, that's what Applejack appreciates the most! Simple, honest-to-goddess honesty!"

Rarity fidgeted. "Well..."

"I'll go with you!"

"Go with me? Where?"

"To Sweet Apple Acres!" Twilight stood up straight with a grin. "We'll stop on by and talk to Applejack!"

Rarity blinked. She smiled. "Alright, Twilight." She struggled to get up, accepting a helping hoof from Twilight. "Once again, you've proven to be the most cool-headed of us all."

"Actually, the blood vessels in my head maintain themselves at a constant temperature of thirty-seven degrees celsius!"

"Hmmmm..." Rarity sighed out the side of her muzzle. "I rest my case."

"Spiiiike!"

"Huh?"

"We're going to Sweet Apple Acres! Come along! You're Rarity's wheels!"

"...Huh?"

E

"Psssssst! Applejack!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed hoarsely, eyes bright and alive with excitement. She levitated a program aside and pointed at a roped-off exhibit. "Come take a look at this!"

Whurrrrrrrr! Applejack leaned in with her apple loader. "Now just what is this ol' thang?" She rubbed her muzzle from within the cage of the mech. "Looks like plain tree bark."

"Not just any tree bark!" Twilight turned and grinned at her. Around the pair, ponies—mostly elder equines—shuffled quietly from exhibit to exhibit within the confines of an immaculate white hallway. "But a petrified sample of ancient deciduous trees that grew in Maresopotamia several millennia ago! We're talking about the great-great-grandparents to Malus domestica and all apple tree cultivars to follow!"

"Well, Golly!" Applejack grinned. "Now that's somethin'! Why's it so funny-lookin'?"

"Huh?"

"The bark looks like it's seen better days."

"Those are the signs of petrification, Applejack. The tree that this was grafted from most likely endured the Near Extinction Event of 5211."

"What happened in that year?"

"Modern day scientists aren't entirely sure. Either a cataclysmic asteroid impact, or a really angry dragon. Whatever the case, the ancestor to modern day apple trees just barely survived!"

"Yer darn tootin' it did!" Applejack cackled.

"Shhhhhh!" an old, wrinkled mare frowned. Ten steps away, a security guard glared suspiciously at Applejack and her loader.

"Ahem... Darn tootin' it did," Applejack said, leaning towards Twilight. "Though I dun get why we've gotta be so quiet-like in our celebration of the knowledge."

"Well, Applejack..." Twilight smiled and trotted toward a series of pedestals with glass-encased fruit. "When one visits the Equestrian Museum to the Apple, a bit of quiet civility is expected."

"Oh, I get it now!" WREEEE—THUNK! WREEEE—THUNK! WREEEE—THUNK! Applejack stomped after Twilight, summoning many glares from the browsing guests. "But still, this is some mind expandin' stuff! It's a real shame not to show one's appreciation for it!"

"Welllllll..." Twilight smirked over her shoulder. "You could start by leaving that loader outside like the security guard kindly asked us to when we came in here."

"Awwww ponyfeathers." Applejack stuck her tongue out. "What did he know? Besides..." She gazed up at a finely woven tapestry depicting two distraught equines and a serpent in a lush apple garden with fig-leaves between their legs. "...the dag-blame'd fool ran off like a maniac the moment I tried explainin' to him that my loader was harmless!"

"Applejack, that's because your blowtorch was frothing when you leaned over to hoof him your ticket stub!"

"Hah! Some security guard, ya reckon?!"

"Nnnnngh..." Twilight ran a hoof over her face. Calming herself with a trademark Cadance hoof-wave, she then smiled and gestured at the glass-encased fruits on display. "Well, think about it this way. So long as you're in that big, bulky suit, you can't get low enough to the floor to observe these artifacts—"

"Well, shucks, I've got that covered!" Whirrrrrr! CRKKKK! Applejack ripped one of the pedestals out of the floor, splattering the museum with pieces of tile and plaster as she raised it up to cage-level. "Heh-HEH! I can see this thang perfectly now!" She squinted. "Uhm... just what in tarnation is it?"

"Uhhhhhh..." Twilight gritted her teeth as she glanced at the distracted security guard behind them. "It's... the l-last surviving fl-flower bud of the long extinct Bitalian Sand Apple Tree." CRKKK! The glass display fell off the pedestal and shattered into a million places. Twilight gulped. "Well... it was."

"Hmmmph..." Applejack tossed the pedestal behind her, filling the hallway with the echo of shattered drywall and shrieking ponies. "What good is an apple tree if it can't even stay alive?"

"You know, Applejack, m-maybe this was a bad idea." Twilight gulped. "Perhaps we should have gone to the Equestrian Museum to Steel Girders instead."

"Nonsense!" Applejack beamed. "I'm havin' a knee-slappin' good time with ya, darlin'!"

"Oh! Th-that's good!" Twilight chuckled nervously. "Then perhaps you would like to get out of the loader b-before stumbling into the picture gallery—"

"What's this thang right here?!"

"Huh?"

WHIRRRRR—CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Applejack marched over to a gigantic apple-shaped chunk of wood. The vehicle was painted red and sat on a set of cedar-thick wagon wheels. "This thang!" Applejack snickered. "Gosh, it sure is funny-lookin'!"

"Applejack!" Twilight gasped, trotting over. "Don't you know your ancient history?!" She flipped through her program and held it up for the mare-in-the-mech to see. "This is none other than the Trottian Apple!"

"Heh... no kiddin'?"

"It's the thing of legends!" Twilight closed her eyes and smiled, reciting the tale from memory: "Millennia ago, when Greequine ponies of the Marediterranean Sea laid siege to the City of Trotty, their wisest general—Neighlysses—came up with a brilliant tactic! They planned to leave this large, brightly-painted apple outside the gates to Trotty. The Trottian ponies, thinking that the Greequines had finally given up on the attack, opened the gates and rolled the apple in! Then, at night, when all the ponies had fallen asleep, a secret band of Greequine mercenaries climbed out of the apple and began sacking the city from the inside! Trotty fell within the span of a day, and the Ancient Greequines emerged as the ruling power of the Marediterranean! Now... don't you feel happier and wiser for having learned all of that?"

CRACKKKKK! "Hah! Brilliant tactic my left flank!"

Twilight winced. She opened her eyes and gasped, her muzzle nearly hitting the floor.

WREEEEEEE! Applejack stood on the inside of the roped-off exhibit, holding the shattered pieces of the ancient wagon. "Pffft! Take over a city with somethin' this brittle?! I've seen Apple Bloom hammer together see-saws that could make better battering rams than this sorry excuse for a siege tank!"

"Uhhhhh..." Twilight sweated, her eyes twitching. "Uhhhhh... uhhhhhhh..."

"I'm tellin' ya, girl!" THUD! Applejack dropped the shattered halves of the vehicle and dusted her metal limbs off. Cl-Cl-Cl-Clank! "The Trottians must have been plum idiots to have lost to them Greequine fellers! No wonder their extinct, along with yer so called Bitalian Sand whatsit..."

THUD!

"Hahah! T'ain't nap time, Twilight!" Applejack smiled. "C'mon, now, we're in a museum! Ain't proper to be lyin' around all limp-like!" She blinked. "... ... ... Twilight?"

G

"Apple Bloom?" Applejack hollered, stomping up to the Crusaders' treehouse. She hit the brakes, lurching the machine to a stop. "Apple Bloom, are ya in there, darlin'?" She panted and panted as the loader shook and steamed around her. "Sugarcube, please say somethin'. I needs to know yer alright! Please tell me none of them enchanted whatchamawhoosits hurt a single hair on yer pretty head!"

Silence. The nearby trees swayed from the Apple Loader's heavy exhaust.

Whirrrrr! "Darlin', please. I'm feelin' awful sore inside from worry! Say somethin'! Anythang!"

"Just go away!" sobbed a voice from inside the hut.

Applejack grimaced. "But... but..."

"Leave me alone! I don't want to b-be around you!"

Biting her lip, Applejack flipped a switch and leaned up so that she could peer in through the window. "Apple Bloom...?"

Through the foggy glass, the mare could make out a shivering little patch of fuzz in the far corner. "Scram!" Apple Bloom sputtered, her frowning face streaked with tears. "Yer not my real sister anyway!"

"How... h-how can you say that?!" Applejack gulped. "It's me! Applejack! I done saved you from the stupid thangs Sweetie Belle conjured up, didn't I?"

"No, you didn't!" Apple Bloom sniffled, pointing an angry hoof. "Yer cotton-pickin' apple loader did! My older sister didn't do nothin'!"

"Apple Bloom..." Applejack smirked. "In case you didn't notice, I'm inside this contraption."

"No, you are the contraption! Everyday, all you do is make noise and punch holes through walls and scare Big Mac and I'm sick of it! I want my older sister back! Not this... silly, s-selfish mare!"

"Selfish?!" Applejack paled, lips quivering. "But... I..." She grimaced. "Land's sakes..."

"I want the older sister who cares for me! Who would do anythang for a pony in need!" Apple Bloom whimpered and cried. "Who lurves tuckin' me into bed at night and takin' Winona out on walks! The kind of mare everypony looks up to! Not because she's in some big lumberin' metal suit, but because she's got so much to be proud of!"

"I've still got a whole lot to be proud of, lil' sis!" Applejack stammered. "Why... I-I've been harvestin' the fields like never before! You should see the kind of bits I can rake in with this thang! Not just for me, but for the f-family!"

"You say that, b-but all I hear is a stranger... not the strong, dependable pony who promised Ma and Pa that she'd make the farm a happy place!"

"But... b-but I am happy!" Applejack lurched back, wincing. "I've... I-I've never been happier!" Whirrrrrrrrrrrr-Chtung! She stared down at her metal limbs, gulping. "I'm happy... b-but all my family and friends around me are not." She winced heavily. "Land's sakes... what h-have I been doin'...?"

"I don't care!" Apple Bloom whimpered from inside the clubhouse. "Cuz you ain't my sister no more! So go away, will ya?!" She sniffled. "Don't even think twice about it! Not like you can fit that dumb ol' thang inside here anyway!"

Applejack stared with glossy eyes. Finally, after a long sigh, she stared down at her legs, locked within the chassis like manacles.

"... ... ..."

I

Apple Bloom covered her face, sobbing quietly into her forelimbs. She curled up into the corner of the clubhouse, her body twitching with sporadic sighs and sniffles.

Then, like a warm orange blanket, a pair of strong forelimbs scooped her up into a fuzzy hug.

"Hmmm...?" Apple Bloom looked up, puffy eyes blinking. "Wh-what...?" She felt herself being cradled and looked up with a gasping expression. "AJ! Yer... y-yer..."

"Shhhhh..." Applejack smiled. She slumped back on her haunches, holding Apple Bloom close. "Just let it out, darlin'. I'm here."

"I-I can't believe it..." Apple Bloom smiled painfully. She flew forward, wrapping her arms around Applejack's neck and nuzzling her tear-stained face against her chest. "You c-came up! You got out of the suit and you—"

"I know..." Applejack leaned down and nuzzled the filly's mane. "And I'm out of that gul-durn thang for good."

"You promise?"

"Hmmmm..." Applejack grinned calmly. "Pinkie Pie swear."

"But... but..." Apple Bloom shivered, wincing. "That stupid gizmo means so m-much to you! Somethin' like it may never come along again for ages!"

"It's all behind me now." Applejack leaned in and kissed the foal's forehead. "Besides..." She snuggled Apple Bloom close. "If yer not happy... then I'm not happy."

Apple Bloom bit her lip, holding in a foalish squeal. She cried joyfully, clinging tight to Applejack. "I'm s-so glad to have my big sis back..."

"Mmmmhmmmm..." Applejack patted her. "It's good to be back." She rocked the two quietly, humming a gentle little lullaby against the walls of the clubhouse.