Recollections of the Rhodes

by A Tin Can

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Dark, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 49867

Pick up at your own risk reader, for the story ahead holds many tales and adventures of the Rhodes, humanities last stand. Also, don't forget to shut your brains logical processors off at the front door.

Reader, you were warned. In this story, though you may not believe it, revolves around true events. This is the true tale of four legendary beings whose origins unknown, but with benevolent and selfless intentions. Their widespread destruction of evil was the stuff of-
What up Leo?
sigh, Do you mind Ulysses? I'm trying to narrate here.
Cool story bro. Could I borrow a couple of your S.E.W. grenades?
Whu-… Why in the hell do you want them?
Me and Cervantes wanted to see if we could fly after attaching them to the bottom of the Humvee.
Hurry the hell up! The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can prove that bitch Rainbow Dash wrong!
You know what? I don't even wanna know. Just take 'em.
Sweet! See you after we get out of the Intensive Care Unit!
This, is a story about… sigh… my family.
[Attention: On Hiatus because the author is a lazy b:ajsmug:ch who can't think of what to write at the time]
< Greetings readers! The Lonely Rhode here. I've been wanting to start a story, so here I am! Couldn't do it for a while since my computer was suffering from a virus, So here you go. Rated M for Mature due to Gore, Drug/ Alcohol reference, Sexual reference, Thick amounts of profanity, Brief contemplation of having sex with another species, Abusing self with razor for dirty thoughts about said species, Crying in cold shower afterwards, Fruit costumes, and Insanity. You have been warned. Comedy tag may be there, but comedy only pops up when things aren't going to shit for the Rhodes.
I will accept ideas for things such as OC's and what not, such as artifacts, locations, technologies, characters, and species. I'll even take human OC's. Think about it, humans get slapped in Equestria. Who's to say more won't arrive? Also, No romance. If you're a shipper or… gag… Clopper, than that's up to you, but please don't bring those kind of suggestions to me, because I will NOT add any of that to my story. Sorry, but it's not happening, so come to peace with it. It will come close, but will never really happen. The story takes place around the Dragonshy episode, and after that point I'll decide if I should go canon or split off from the story line. And if I do attempt to be canon… It most likely will be a jumbled up mess instead. I couldn't even tell you which season Dragonshy came from. Main character icons will change as the story progresses too. If you have made a dislike, please explain why and tell me what I need to fix. Good day Sir/Madam.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-17 06:15:17 UTC

Hunt

Chapter 2

Hunt

Date: 11/24/2037

Time: Roughly Noon

Location: Forrest, Nowhere (Up shit creek without a paddle)

Cervantes POV

Looking around, I see a dead tree. Hmmm... ITS BULLDOZER TIME! I picked up speed and rammed into the tree with my shoulder. Oddly enough, It actually fell over, making a lot of noise in the process. I don't even know how I managed with my leg and everything. I really don't think ahead that often, just putting that out there.

"... mmm, who goes... there?" the dragon mumbled.

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK!!! Please don't see me!

"And just what are you doing here little one?" She grumbled, obviously agitated with me.

O.K., Deep breaths in and out. After pussying out shaking like a leaf Calming myself down from being startled by her, I cleared my throat and spoke to her as I would a fellow drinking buddy.

"Hiya! Sorry if I interrupted your slumber here but I just came by to let you know i'm your new neighbor! Came by now so there wouldn't be any surprises in the future. Just letting you know i'll be around here often. I'll most likely be at either the forge, the castles master bedroom, Library, or fixing up any of the other rooms. Also, If you happen to be worried about that horde of yours, no problem, because I honestly don't care to much about money that much. If theirs anything your curious about, just let me know!" I Bellowed out. I hope things work out...

"And why should I trust a shaved gorilla like you?" She bellowed.

She just called me a... a... I think I like her already. That's the first time anyone has ever had the stones to insult me (Aside from drunks at the bar).

" Well if I have to prove it, How about I do a quest for you or something. You know, like maybe slay some beast or grab some gold for you or something. Anythings fine with me just so long as I don't have to harm any innocents," I reply after crushing the hearts floating around my head with a large imaginary rock.

"Hmmm... well... there has been another dragon who has been invading my territory recently if you could deal with him, I suppose I could let you stay at the castle... For now," She told me.

" No problem with me. Although, if were pretty much gonna be neighbors were gonna have to now each others names first. Ladies first." I reply with a grin, giving a gentleman bow to seal the deal. Remember the U.C.D. ? I got a masters degree in brown nosing.

"Oh my, what manners" The dragon giggled. "My name is... well it's kind of stupid," She blushed.

"Nonsense, i'm sure it isn't that bad," I speak with encouraging gust.

"Well my name is... Lily. I know, laugh it up. Such a funny name for a big scary dragon like me!" She bellowed, looking embarrassed as she tried to hide herself in her wings.

" Actually, I think that's a beautiful name," I speak softly, to encourage her.

She looks out from under her wings and blinks, looking surprised " R-... Really?"

"You kidding? You're named after one of the most beautiful flowers in the world. Of course its a nice name," I cheer her softly.

"Wow, thanks..." She giggles, and hides behind her wings again after blushing. You know... she kind of looks small for a dragon. She also sounds kind of... young. I honestly expected some voice flowing with age and wisdom from a dragon.

"Well... My full name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, Although you could just call me Cervantes," I inform, Trying to move along so I can complete my quest. " So, where is this dragon I've gotta evict?"

Collecting herself, she begins to debrief my first afterlife mission. "His name is Obsidian, and he lives at Smokey Mt.. He moved in recently, but he's been aggressive enough for all the dragons in the area to want him out. All I want you to do is simple. Get rid of him. Although if you convince the drake to move that would be great too."

Oh, so the neighborhood is full of sentient dragons. B-E-A-Utifiul.

"I'll do my best mam," I grunt and salute afterwards.

[{((O))}]

Upon leaving, I learned one last tidbit of information. Apparently the dragon is hibernating so this is going to be more difficult then I imagined. It is a little better though considering I apparently developed super healing after entering this world, which is going to come in handy since I have a knack for getting into fights. I honestly think that Lily doesn't think i'll survive. So I've been mountain climbing for a couple of hours now and as I get close to the final ledge I hear voices. However, they aren't exactly distinguishable. Deciding to reach the peak, i'm nearly thrown of by a red dragon flying off carrying a large claw full of gold... Was it that easy? Huh.

Looking back to the cave I see six.. small... colorful... horses? Nah, too small. Ponies, yeah, that's the right word. Well, best make myself known.

"Ahem," I grunted.

The ponies were startled at first, but when they saw me they went white. Except for the pink one, she was bouncing with a shit eating grin.

"So, you guys get rid of the dragon? Just to letcha' know, try not to take a mission from me next time, will ya? Ah well, I suppose I'm in your debt now. If ya happen to be in the neighborhood looking for me, don't worry, 'cause i'll just find ya," I spoke with cheer.

"What in tarnation..." The orange pony mumbled.

Oh this is going to be great. She reminds me of my sister for some reason too. Accent and hat must give it away I suppose. Then again, everyone in the Rhode family wears a stetson... I miss them a lot actually. I wonder how they're doing?

" What is that thing?" The purple one whispered to the yellow one.

" Oh! Oh! Oh! Lemme ask!" The pink one yelled, right before- HOLY SHIT! HOW THE FUCK DID SHE TELEPORT INTO MY COAT!?

" Hi, My names Pinkie Pie! I'm The Ponyville party pony! Are you some kind of shaved gorilla? Or maybe your one of those naked diamond dogs. Maybe that's why your wearing clothes! Whats your name? Do you like parties? I love Parties! *GASP* I haven't thrown you a party yet! Maybe we could- *pomf* Mmmpphh!?"

Sweet Jesus my head hurts. I ended up stuffing my only unsmashed sponge cake in her mouth. I'm probably gonna regret this later, but if it keeps her quiet for now then i'm happy.

" My name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, and my predatory senses tell me you are too full of sugar to eat, " I grin while speaking, making sure to show my canines.

*thump*... Apparently i'm pretty sexy if I got that white one to faint. Mainly because it's always the white ones. That apparently kicked blue into overdrive though. You know, these ponies seem familiar, if only I could put my finger in it...

"Stay away from my friends you monster!" The blue one yelled before... Flying my way?

Oh sh-*THWACK*

Next thing I knew? On a one way express to the ground. *Thump*. Huh, trains right on schedule. I bumble up and check my pockets to see if I broke anything. Only thing broken is... my... beer...

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I WILL AVENGE YOU!!!!!!!!

Brain obviously agrees. Aside from Planning how to rip that pegasus apart as slowly and painfully as possible the broken beer, everything seems O.K. with me. And apparently I landed right next to a path that leads... up... the mountain. *smack* 'twas the sound heard throughout all of the forest as face met palm. You know... they might take this path back...

[{((O))}]

After setting up the trap using vines, duct tape, and a muffin (What? They aren't that hard to cook over a fire using acorn batter). After placing the muffin on a plate dead in the middle of the net, I hid behind a tree and began biding my time. *crankity-THWOK*. Congratulations, you caught a wild pony! I move around the tree to find I've caught a... Grey pegasus. Shit, I hope she's feeling forgiving today.

"Ah shoot, sorry mam. You aren't what ah was looking for. Here, lemme get ya down" I bellowed.

"Heh, don't worry," the pegasus replied. "A muffin in the middle of nowhere is a little suspicious,"

Damn. Well she is right.

" So," she began. "What were you looking for?"

"Six mares," I hope I can word things right going human to pony dictionary " Ah was waiting for em' to come down from the mountain top seeing as how they punted me off a cliff. I'm just waiting so ah can get some answers for their actions,"

Now that the pegasus was out of the net I got a better look at her. ERMAGERD IT'S SO CUTE! THOSE EYES! I MEAN YEAH, THEY'RE A LITTLE FUCKED UP BUT HHHHUUUUURRRRRRRKKKK!!!!

"The mares you're probably talking about are the elements, and I don't see why they would do such a mean thing to someone like you" She replied with a hint of confusion.

I'm going to nickname her Wall-eye.

" Well we were just talking originally, but they flipped at the fact that I eat meat,"

I joyously bellowed.

" You eat... meat?" She whispered.

Wow, gulps really are audible.

" Ah course ah do, however ah don't eat anything that talks. And seeing as how I'm in a forest an' everything, i'm probably gonna be sticking to rabbits, snakes, fish if ah find a river, that sorta thing," I bellow.

" Well, if you say so... say, since you live out here, you wouldn't happen to know where a 'Zecora' lives, would you? She's a zebra, lives in this forest?" Wall-eye asked.

" Na, not really, seeing as how I only moved in recently. Although ah suppose I could help ya, " I Replied.

I Don't know man, look up. It's getting late.

Hmm? Oh shit. Upon looking up, I found the sun was setting... fastly... WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? O.K. O.K., Deep breaths in, and out. In, and out.

" Heh, thanks... are you O.K.? " Wall-eye asked.

"Uhh... Yeah, I'm fine. I gotta get home soon, so let's try to find this Zecora, O.K.?" I Chatter through my teeth, trying my damnest to calm down.

" Alright... Say, could you share that muffin recipe with me? I'm curious about the ingredients. It really tasted good,"

After getting my shit together, I grinned. " Of course I will, why would I not share my muffins with the world?"

[{((O))}]

O.K., so I dropped off the pegasus named Ditsy (Although she preferred I call her Derpy for some reason) and questioning why the sanitation department hasn't come around to give this lady several write ups, I started hiking through the woods to claim my right to rest. I can get a good compass on it thanks to my Impasse, so i'm not going to get lost anytime soon.

"C'mon Twi, we've already been hear before," I hear a tomboyish voice say in the distance

... Wait, that voice... HUNT MODE ACTIVATE!!!

Pulling out my HS10's and filling them up with beanbag rounds, I went my merry way to play 'Deviously Torture the Homosexual Horse'.

After sneaking through undergrowth, I found the mares from before. I'm gonna trick them, so i'm gonna change my voice up.

" Hey youngins, you lost?" I mimic in an old woman's voice.

" Granny smith? That you? What are y'all doin out here? An why you out in the bushes?" The cow pony asked.

Oh great, I sound like a relative of hers. Thank you ventriloquism class I took out of boredom, this is going to be ten times better.

" Oh well you see youngin..." I began, and started rising out of the bushes. "I'm hunting you," I finished in my creepy and dark pedophile like voice.

The look of utter shock on all of their faces was priceless. You couldn't buy that shit with a sack of diamonds.

" I'm not really going to kill any of you, but the blue one over there is gonna get an ass-whooping for kicking my ass off the cliff earlier," I bellow, not bothering to hide my agitation.

" But... even an ape like you shouldn't be able to brush that off..." The blue pegasus mumbled.

" I brushed it off like it was no problem cause' you hit like a sissy " I replied with a shit eating grin.

" W-What?" The blue pegasus stuttered with a twitching eye.

" I'm saying my little sister can hit harder than that," I spit out.

That's cold hard fact actually. She's the only one I know that can take me out in hand to hand combat. Drinking contests too.

And I wasn't pulling back punches.

" Rainbow... " The purple one began with a scared look in her eye.

" One more time punk!" She growled.

" Well actually, if you really think you're tough I'll let you throw out as many punches as you want," I say, spreading out like I was getting ready to do a jumping jack.

" Grr! That's it!" She yelled.

Next thing I knew my chest was getting pattered with 'punches', and I use the term loosely since this felt like a fly was tackling a bus head-on. It just doesn't work out.

" Oh, hold on. Could you do my back?" I ask as I unstrap my light machine guns and mini-guns.

After turning around for her to get my back, which I must say felt exquisite, The purple one figured out now would be a good time to get information.

" I'm sure what she mean't to ask was, How the buck did you survive that fall!?" She questioned loud enough for me to feel a gust of wind on my face.

" Well to answer that, I'm not quite sure how to answer that. I suppose it would be a combination of extremely high pain tolerance and the fact that my bones are practically made of steel with my high iron intake from my food. Gotta love spinach for that," I reply.

" So you don't eat just meat?" She asked.

" Of course. If anything, I dont get enough of it these days," I replied.

" Whats you're name?"

" My full name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, Although you could probably just call me Cervantes or Mr. Rhode,"

" How the... buck are you... still... standing? " Skittles asked as tired as a high-way.

Get it?

" I just said it not two seconds ago. My bones are pretty much made of steel and I have enough pain tolerance to take a train head on. Believe me when I say it, it's happened before," I bellow with a jolly tune.

" Well... next questi-" she started before I interrupted her.

" Now hold on there miss, I haven't been able to get any information my self. I don't wanna be sitting here playing twenty questions and still be left in the blind. So lemme ask a couple questions to catch up, and after that we'll just go back and forth. Sound good to you?" I ask.

She sits there for a moment, pondering as if it would be worth it to her or not.

" *Sigh*... I suppose so. So go ahead and- " Howls had interrupted her sentence.

I was just about to get all of these ponies to safety before I heard a chainsaw rev in the distance.

" W-what's that?" The white one asked.

" I don't know but it sounds like- " I was interrupted by a familiar laugh. "... my brother,"

How the hell is Ulysses here!? Last I heard of him he went to Nevada. Well... I Suppose I should talk about my family now. Ulysses Stonewall Rhode. Mother died not long after giving birth to my youngest brother, Leonidas. Afterwards I had to take care of Ulysses, Samus and Leo. Ulysses was... not right in the head when he was a kid. Ever since he was in high school he's had a thing for blades... our dad's old chainsaw included. You would have swore that thing belongs to Paul Bunion considering how big it was. Although, other than his obsession with blades, Ulysses is quite charismatic, and can pull jokes out of nowhere like a rabbit from a hat. He's also been able to break physics somehow since he's always been able to pull shit practically out of his ass. If i'm 38 than that makes him... 27 now since he was born on Halloween eve. Wow, I'm getting old. I still feel like i'm 21 though. Last I saw him, he was around 6 ft. 6 in..

Anyways, next up is my sister Samus. Samus Wolfgang Rhode. That girl has got the power of a locomotive winded up behind her fists. She would be around 29 by now since she's born on August 9th. Last I saw Samus, she wasn't that far from my height at 6 ft 11 in., seeing as how the giant gene tend's to run in the family. She's always been the first one around the house to do things. First one to volunteer with moving the couch, first one to get rid of that mouse that keeps running around the house... and the first one to move out. She moved out south to Texas not long after hitting 18, talking about her dreams of being a cattle rancher. From the letters she's mailed, she's become quite a success after solving some of the money problems, buying the land and what not.

Then there's Leonidas, the youngest one in the family at 20. Leonidas Archimedes Rhode. We parted ways when he turned 18, me moving to Alaska to get some peace and him moving east to Rhode Island, oddly enough. He was actually the only one in the family who wasn't that keen on muscle. He was always scrawny, and only came in at 5 ft. 7 in., about average height for an adult man. What he lacked in strength came back in brains. Me and the others may have been the ones to do the heavy lifting, but if you're computer caught the Trojan horse or found a strange plant growing in your garden, he was the one to go too. Long story short, he gives Encyclopedia Brown a run for his money. He was actually the one to teach me how to make proximity mines. Last I saw of him, he said he was going to start up an electronics shop.

Then you have me, Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, you're neighborhood bad ass. Expert at the forge, gunpowder junkie, and heavy weapons duelist. My height is 7 ft. 2 in., And i'm 38 years old. I was the smiling troublemaker when I was young, but I picked my shit up. I ended up maturing, stopped partying, you know? Basically got my shit together around 20, which actually lost me a few friends. That really showed me who my real friends were. I was the provider for the family, Making sure food was put on the table. There were days where I had to scrounge for wild plants and hunt animals to do that. I even went without food to do that sometimes just so my siblings could have full bellies. And I started doing that at 18 so... you can understand I may have fucked up.

Well, That's about it about the surviving members of the Rhode family. Sure we've got uncles, cousins, aunts and what not, but they were scattered to the four winds like us.

Coming back to current events, I was trying to figure out how I was going to deal with Ulysses.

" You're brother? " Gem-ass asked with confusion and horror drawn all over her face.

" Yeah, we should be fine. I'm honestly worried more about the wolves than him," I grumble loudly enough for everyone to hear.

To prove my point, a wooden limb flew out from behind the bushes and landed in front of us with sap seeping from it.

" Oh mah god..." The cow pony mumbled.

You know, other than her, Star burst, Diamond Ass, and Skittles, I haven't heard much from the other two. And she's been just mumbling shit to herself. Don't know why, but I feel like somethings wrong with this...

... Why are you referring precisely to her ass?

Yeah, i'm in agreement with brain, every time you take a look at her I wiggle. Why's that?

Shut up the both of you. I can't deal with this shit right now. I'm trying to figure out how to stop Ulysses without making like a tree and getting cut down to size.

Just answer the damn question

Look at me man, I haven't had sex in seven years!

So what? Not a reason to swap species.

Lets just deal with this later, O.K.

Whatever, But this isn't over.

After... that, I heard my brother yell something that made me want to cook him flapjacks.

" TIIIIMMMMMMBBBEEEEERRRR!!"

" I'm gonna go get him, hold on guys," I bellow to the ponies.

Bumbling through the bushes and avoiding body parts, I eventually see the battle field. Sweet merciful fuck this place smell like a lumberyard. He was slowly tearing apart one last wolf before I put a bullet through the poor things brain to end it's misery. Ulysses ended up bumbling up and rubbing the sap off his face, startled for a moment before looking at me.

"... B-... Brother?" He asked, startled. " Is that... Really you?"

" Does a bear shit in the woods?" I bellow, making myself sound not to pleased with him. " What are you doing? If these wolves attacked you then I understand but for fuck's sake at least make it quick. They still don't deserve to suffer. This isn't you Ulysses, snap out of it," I continue more loudly.

He proceeded to look back at the corpses, then me, then back to the wolves before mumbling "What have I done?" just before he past out.

I proceeded to pick him up and his weapons, which included a chainsaw, a variety of throwing axes, A 357. Magnum with plentiful amounts of ammunition, and an M14 Assault rifle. Other than that, he wasn't carrying much asides from food, water, and some empty pill bottles of his medication.

Now with him in tow, I bumbled back to the group.

" Is he-?" Skittles began before I interrupted her.

" He's passed out, hasn't taken his medication in a while. I'll help escort you six to the edge of the forest, but after that, we part ways," I speak softly to avoid waking my brother.

" If he needs medication then he should come to the hospital," The butter colored Pegasus whispered. " If, that's O.K. with you,"

HURK! Adorable levels over 9000! I'm going to nickname her Butters.

I see a butt in there.

Shaddap.

" I honestly doubt you guys have the kind of meds he needs. What he has is more... mental anyways," I whisper back.

That seemed to all together quiet everyone.

...Except for god damned Star burst.

" So..." She began " Are you going to ask you're questions so I can have some?"

*Sigh* Fuck it. Why not?

" Well first of all... Where are we?" I Ask.

" You mean you don't know?" She whispered worriedly.

" I mean the forest. I know just fine with my special sense but I wanna at least know the name of where I'm going to be living," I whisper back.

" Wait, why would you want to live in the Everfree!?" She half yelled.

" Ssshhhhh!" I retorted. "To answer that, why not? Other than the animals and the dark vibe I don't see anything wrong with it. Looks about as normal as any other forest i've been too. I even found a castle I could hole up in without a problem. And as for food and water, I could get what ever the hell me and my brother need from the forest and setting up a purification system for water should be no problem. If I can get the forge at that castle to peak operation and my brother here get all the wood we need then I honestly see no problem repairing the castle itself,"

" But the clouds move on their own out here!"

"And?"

" The animals take care of themselves!"

" Anything else genius?"

" And the plants grow on their own!... this isn't convincing you, is it?"

" Not in the slightest. If anything, I'm liking this place more if those qualities are considered unusual. Mainly because it sounds a hell of a lot like home. But enough of this, i'm going to ask my next question. Since physics are obviously different here, what is the name of the world i'm on?"

" You mean you don't know?"

" You think I look a native?"

" But it doesn't make sense! Maybe your species was cut off from the rest of the world and your kind just evolved within a chaotic environment, adapting to it overtime,"

" How in the hell could a population of 6.9 billion humans hide in a forest unnoticed? We've practically destroyed our home planet! The last humans in existence are either on a neighboring planet in our star system called Mars, On our moon, Or empty shells of what they used to be, trying to scrounge in survival on the ashes of the place they once called home!" My voice must of risen because I felt my little brother move on my back.

" Big brother... are we home yet?"

" Sorry if I woke you up Ulysses," I say as I begin to lay him down at the base of a tree. " How you feelin?"

" Awful. Like someone took a bat and went Babe Ruth on my ass,"

Dancing with the Devil...

Chapter 4

Dancing with The Devil...

Date: 11/(24/25)/2037

Time: To early for me to give a crap. Or too late. Take a pick, can't go wrong.

Location: Everfree Forrest, Rhode castle (Throne room)

Ulysses POV

Ugghhh, why the hell did Cervantes have to piss off the nations leader? I mean, seriously, what the hell man? I was having a nice dream about beach side babes then WHAM-O! ' Rise and shine asshat! Were about to have company!'. He can be a stubborn, testosterone filled turd sometimes but he's still my brother. So right now we're in the throne room, setting up I.E.D.s and bear traps (I don't know how, but he made the bear traps with, and I quote, ' Metal slinky, Lead pipes, Luchbox, and a jar lid'. How in the nine hells? And he calls me the oddball of the family). They're not built to be lethal, just catch and cripple. Or in the I.E.D.s case, blind and smoke them so we get an upperhand, and a reason to wear these cool shades and bandanas I found (What? I have my ways...).

I had popped in my earbuds and decided to start listening to 'Rehab center for fictional characters' by Bo Burnham. Musical prodigies like him are what have made my life so interesting. While I was jamming out, Cervates was busy hooking up a ballista turret he spent some time into apparently, and he was placing it right at the throne. Smart bastard. Camping, but still smart. After we finished, we waited. We took into precaution that some of them had wings, and big bro warned me the ones with horns have some sort of telekenesis ( Thats cheating! OP as hell magic!). We were sitting there for what felt like forever. I was probabably half asleep when a large *Thump* resonated from the front doors.

" Remember, keep your eye open, even in the shadows."  My brother called out.

That's O.K. advice, considering we know next to nothing on these ponies combat capabilities.

" Come out with your paws up and surrender!" We heard one guard yell.

" They're diamond dogs, you think they're gonna listen?" Another voice asked from behind the doors.

A female voice too. Well, this is gonna suck, considering hitting woman is wrong.

I suppose its a good thing we barred the doors and windows within the vicinity

" Thats not gonna happen! I have an idea! Why don't you come inside and try to take us down. Get ready for one hell of a fight too!" Cervy yelled.

Are you trying to jynx us and screw us over!?

" This is the Lunar Guard, and we order you to come out of there with your paws up now you filthy mutts!" Another, deep voiced guard yelled.

" You calling me a mutt!? You can kindly fuck off with the insults sir, 'Cause we're- " He stopped for a moment to peer down a hallway to our left, then right. "GET DOWN!" He yelled, pushing me to the side out of the way of an arrow.

Wow, I didn't even notice that. If they tried to kill me... then I guess I should return the favor. I look down the hall the arrow came from, to see four pissed looking bat pony guards.

" Alright Fuckers!" I yell with a smile as I start up my chainsaw. " PREPARE YOUR ANUS!"

That earned me a confused look from both Cervantes and the guards coming in around us. Enough to the point that the bat ponies weren't paying attention to their surroundings.

*SNAP!*

" Ah buck! My leg!" One of them yelled.

" Hold on, were coming! Alright soldiers, watch your step! We got traps in the area!"

Yeah, but not all of them can be triggered by just you and your soldiers.

Holding the chainsaw in one hand, I take my 357. revolver and shot at an I.E.D. Barrel.

*BLAM*

" Aggghhhh! What the-*Cough Cough Cough* The buck!?" I heard another guard yell.

Running up, I wacked an oncoming guard with the side of my chainsaw, sending him flying to the side. After that, I duck under another entourage of arrows, and bitch slap another pony with my chainsaw happily. Not long after that, I heard Cervantes using his mini-gun like there was no tomorrow.

" Take that dogs paddle away! And get the larger ones contraption from it!" A female voice barked.

Oh, so you think its a paddle? Girl, lemme show you what a paddle can do then...

One of the bat ponies came up to me with a spear, only to have the head cut from the shaft.

" What the-" Was about all the pony had to say as the spearhead clanked on the floor before I punted him back to his friends.

" GOOOAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!" I yelled while dancing in joy.

Wow, these things aren't that different from four foot tall fuzzy footballs.

" To whom who thinks this is a paddle, let me correct you!" I yell as I rev my chainsaw, raising it high in the air. " It's a Chainsaw! Originally designed for cutting wood!" I continue, before giving them a smile that says ' Does this look like the face of mercy?' " Although, bone and flesh cuts as easily!"

The guards were giving me wide eyes, filled with fear and fecal matter.

Oh no, wait. The latter was coming out the back.

I then proceeded to jump up and down, laughing with child-like manner.

" Scatter!" One of them screamed, which they already did without being ordered.

Recap, got at least seven or eight bat ponies flying around dodging my brothers gunfire, another five were trying to get shots at us from high vantage point, three were rolling around on the ground in pain, two were in bear traps, and five more had scattered, and actually surounded me. Well, i've had worse.

Two of the bat ponies from my rear tried to stab at me from behind. What they didn't expect was the gloves im wearing to have a special kevlar mesh that could take any of my brothers guns any day. Oh, and I suppose it works for catching swords too.

Gripping the swords from behind, I tossed what was attached directly over me. Two ponies flew over me, one flying into a pony with a crash, and the other thumped against a wall, which by the looks of it knocked him out. Afterwards, I took my chainsaw and with a swift wack, sent another one flying right into Cervantes' line of fire.

* thwip * What the- * Thunk *... Ouch.

Looking at my left arm, I saw I recieved a beautiful donation of arrow. Right. In. The. Arm.

" Now hold just a- * whiz * second buddy. You really shouldn't- * whiz * play with- * whiz * that like a * Thunk * toy... ouch,"

Now with two arrows in me, one in the arm, another a little to the left under my lungs. that one hurt. I then leaped towards my attacker, doing a barrel roll ( Hah! You like me now Peppy!?) and straight foward tackled him. The arrow in my abdomen may have gone deeper from that. The bat ponies are actually difficult to catch now that their guards up. * Thunk * * Thunk *... Fuck man! Two more arrows in the back. I wonder how Cervantes is going to pay me back for this...

After dodging countless amounts of arrows, I had opted for hiding behind a pile of rubble. I began trying to work out the arrow in my arm, despite the fact I would start bleeding if I did so. I was however, interrupted by a whistle above me. Turning around, I came face to face with the three guards I escaped from before. Crap, they must have followed me.

" What's the matter mutt? Can't take any more? I thought you were a big bad wolf. Attitude musta left you. Typical in all of you- *WHOMP*"

None of the guards had time to react. Hell, I didn't have time to react, before I abruptly zoomed towards her faster than the blink of an eye. She went flying towards the opposite side of the throne room, her body completely limp. Next up was Fuck-nugget A. He didn't have time to register being slammed into Fuck-nugget B. After the two glomped against the wall, I started to feel... odd. Like almost a light-headed euphoria.

" Ugghhhh... Buck," One of my unlucky victims groaned.

Granted, it was near impossible to hear over Cervantes' gunfire.

Grabbing onto the guard that got up, I pulled him up to my face.

" Listen here, and listen good," I began," You may not know who me or my brother are, but if you're not careful, we'll fuck your shit up. My brother is all I've got, and if either of us is hurt or captured, the other is sure to pursuit ruthlessly. So to save you the pain..."

I realed my head back before giving a swift headbutt, which cleared my euphoria and replaced it with a light tingle. Stumling

" How many left?" I yelled out through his mini-guns fire, which he graciously empited the rubber shells out of judging by the casings that surrounded him.

He stops the gunfire, and looks towards me with a smile. " My count? None,"

I looked around. The ones in the smoke traps were passed out from the gas, and the ones near the door and left wing entrance were either groaning and rolling around the ground, trying their damnest to wiggle out of the bear traps, or the two huddled in a corner of the throne room crying.

" So... We gonna tie up the ones rolling around first?"

" Eeyup,"

" These guards are kind of pussies. This whole thing was kind of quick and anti-climactic in my opinion,"

" I noticed. Also, we should probably get those arrows out of you,"

" I'm not complaining,"

[{((O))}]

After tying up the guards ( And getting medical care. My brother was mumbling something about having more iron in me then there is in the armory), we started heading to the two who were cuddled up in the corner bawling like babies while they held each other. One was a mare and the other was a stallion.

I stuck my mouth up to Cervantes' ear with my hands cupped to it so I could whisper to him without being heard.

" Should we do this good cop, bad cop? Or should we just send them back on their merry way?" I ask quietly.

" Good cop, bad cop. After that, we let them go," He whispered back.

" Excellent, I got dibs on bad cop,"

" Dick, you always get bad cop,"

We had stopped, barely five feet away from these poor ponies. I decided to let Cervantes go first by motioning to him.

" Hey, don'cha worry, we ain't gonna bite. You guys were the smartest by deciding not to fight," He spoke softly. " All we wanna know about is the locations of any nearby towns. Or a map. That would work better actually,"

" Back off you demons!" The stallion yelled pulling out a... oh wow.

That thing is practically a butter knife. I mean, could you pick anything worse than a dagger to fight us? I mean, come on. It's like bringing a boxing glove to a nuclear missile fight. Guy ain't even holding up his threat, since he's shaking worse than a leaf.

Cervantes chuckled at this. " Aww shoot boy, who you kidding? You're shaking too much to hold on your threat, and that knife is nothing compared to mine anyways," He bellowed before...

Holy shit! Is that a military issue 10-inch combat knife with a serrated edge!? Where and when did he get that!? I've always wanted one with the camo handle...

" And this is just a butter knife compared to what Ulysses has," He grins, before pointing to me.

Rape mode: Activated

" Trust me, it's been a while, but I still know some tricks to get information out of you one way or the other," I grin before pulling out my log splitter, which had been chipped and dulled over time with age and use.

" For example: If I were to take this log splitter, I could repeatedly bludgeon every bone in your legs, and if you still aren't providing information, I'll take my old knife, heat it up, and start cutting along your body. Not deep enough to kill you, but still good to give you pain. And the heat will seal the wound behind it so I don't get blood all over the place. After that, I'll begin to take a barbed pole wrapped in sandpaper, and I will proceed to give you internal bleeding from shoving it so far up your anus," I said all this, while giving a sick and twisted smile that would make The Joker proud.

" And if that doesn't work, I'll just pull out a chair and a nice cup of tea so I can listen to the wonderful music of your pained groans as you slowly bleed out on the inside. Hell, I might even enjoy some biscuits!" I cheered.

I can be really freaking scary if I want to be.

The guards just sat there with absolute shock and fear in their eyes, Pansy boy dropping his knife.

" Woah, dude, that's too far," My brother muttered. " Look, my brother can be a bit... psychotic. We just need you to tell us about the neighboring towns, give us a spare map if you have one, and send a message to Luna,"

They looked at each other  for a moment, before giving a nod to my brother.

" Thank you for your co-operation. We'll be realizing the others in one months time, so you don't really need to worry about your comrades. We'll give them proper medical care and all. Now, about the locals..."

[{((O))}]

After we sent the guards on their way with some dandelion brother scrubbed up from outside the castle doors, we began assessing pony injuries. Majority of them were just bruised or knocked out from gas, but a couple of them had broken bones (courtesy of moi). It was nothing Cervantes couldn't handle, although he ain't much of a professional. We converted the servants quarters into a medical bay for those with serious injuries. Mainly because it had no windows for them to escape through, and a single door with a lock that I was currently holding the key to. Had to set up some buckets though. As for the dungeon that my brother went on the hunt for, we put those who would be fine without any medical attention. Had generators hooked up down there to power some lights thanks to some supplies Cervantes had (Still can't figure out why or how he carries all this crap).

So right now, we were trying to assess our situation and future plans.

" How about we just give them Dandelions and grass? The courtyards are filled with the stuff. As for water, we could just boil the stuff in cooking pots from carrying it back from the river. Granted, we need to make some trips, but it could be done. As for fuel, we have a dragon in our garden!"

" I suppose... although to reduce costs we'll send off about six or seven able bodied ponies today who have family back home. I wanna try and convert some of these ponies here into staying, so we have more aid out here,"

" Hmm... I suppose that could work. Next order of business; the locals. We've got towns on the edge of the forest such as Trottingham, Ponyville, And some place called Collarado. Judging by the fact that the first two were horse puns, they most likely have ponies. So we'll be heading to Collarado, despite the fact that the marks around it on the map indicate to NOT go there. Do you agree Cervantes?"

" Why not. Even though I've only seen these ponies for a couple days I need a break already. Oh, by the way, Lily wanted to meet you today. I suggest going into the courtyard about an hour after sunrise which is... right now,"

Holy shit, the sun's rising? And... O.K., now i'm no scienceoligist but... Isn't the sun moving a wee bit too fast for being the sun? Nope, shutting logic processors off before I hurt myself. Already accomplished that last night

" Got it. I've been looking forward to meeting her too. Next thing on our agenda: Supplies/ Defenses/ And maintenence. We may be able to get food from the forest, but were gonna be screwed this winter if we're housing herbivores. Perhaps we should trade with some locals for mason jars and vinegar so you and me can start pickling food for storage. Not to mention farming equipment. As for defense... well, we can keep most of the wild life out with the walls alone, but if we get more ponies raiding us then we're gonna have a problem. All we have right now is ourselves, traps, and wits, which will make it all the better if we convert those guards. Not to mention they look bad ass.

After that, we might wanna set up rapid fire trebuchets on the walls and sniper trebuchets in the towers. Finally, there's simple things such as plumbing, electricity, and home repair. Some rooms around here are all together fucked without Samus, which the chances of her coming around are low. Plumbing is gonna be a bitch to set up around the entire castle but I can do that in time. And we won't be able to go beyond generators, and basic lighting for a while, until Leo comes around, which again, are low chances.

So Cervantes, what do you think of our odds on survival out here?"

" ... I love them. Granted, it's gonna be a pain in the keister to hook ourselves up, but It'll be smooth sailing after a while,"

" Glad to hear that. Anything you would like to add?"

" Hmmm, we are gonna have to be stingy with ammunition from now on. Looking back, I thought it would be fun to use Clementine, and it was, but we need a way to produce ammunition and spare parts for our guns. Other than that, I've got nothing. If anything pops up, I inform you, and hopefully you'll do the same,"

" Got it,"

[{((O))}]

Arrow Head POV

" Uuggghhhhh..." I groaned. Getting up, I rubbed my head in pain. I noticed I was in some sort of cell. It only took me a moment to realize something in my dazed state.

Last night.

We were sent to the castle in the Everfree to capture a couple of shaved diamond dogs. Commander told our team it outta be easy, since they weren't much more than thieves. What we didn't expect was their weapons. The two of them moved like no diamond dogs i'd ever seen before. They co-operated with each other, spoke perfect equish, and even took hits more than one ever could. The one I shot at took the arrows like they were nothing. Next thing I know, I'm in a dungeon cell.

" Hey, Arrow Head, you up finally?" I heard a familiar voice ask from across my cell.

" Yeah, I'm up Fletcher. How are you doing by the way? The way that mutt punted you must've hurt."

" I'll live. Still can't believe how easily he cut through my spear though,"

" Me neither. Say, What do you think those mutts'll do to us anyways? Think they'd enslave us or eat us?"

" Most likely either sell us or eat us, seeing as how there probably aren't really any valuable resources for them in the area,"

That... was unsettling. So this is how it would end for the great Private Arrow Head? Dying without wives or kids? Having no family what so ever? Wow... looking at my life, I have just now realized I've done absolutely nothing with it. I was considering curling up in a corner and giving up all together when the Dungeon echoed with the sound of wood slamming against cobblestone.

Loud steps were heard coming from up the stairs, making their way down here. Eventually, the voice of one of the dogs, the one with the big machine I think, Bellowed across the cells.

" Good news, ponies. Some of you are going to be released today,"

Well, good bye cruel... wait, what?

" I'm going to come by your cells and drop your meals off first, then i'll proceed to ask some simple questions. That O.K. with ya'll?"

Interrogation? Oh boy, this isn't good. But we're being released so... bittersweet?

The dog was going from each cell, dropping off plates of something. He came to my cell, and when I expected some kind of gruel, I got... a salad? Huh, maybe they're fattening us up.

He proceeded to drop off a few more plates, before clearing his throat.

" O.K., were gonna start off with something simple. I'll let you clean your plates first, but when you finish, I want you to move to the back of your cell. If I say something that pertains to you, I want you to move up to the front of the cell, O.K.?"

" And just why should we listen to you?" Fletcher asked.

There was a muttering of agreement amongst the guards.

" Because this will decide whether or not some of you go,"

That was responded with silence.

So, just answer some questions and I go home free? Huh, this shouldn't be a problem.

After we all finished our plates and moved to the back of the cells, he proceeded to begin asking his questions.

" O.K., number one. If you have children back home, move to the front of the cell,"

Buck.

I saw a couple of guards move to the front of their cells. The mutt then proceeded to count who was at the front.

" Next question. If you have a wife, fiance, or soul mate in general waiting back home for you, move to the front of your cell,"

Double Buck.

I saw a few more guards move up to front of their cells. Even Fletcher moved up.

" Well congratulations to those of you who moved up front! You'll be going home to your families sooner then you think!" The dog bellowed.

Wait a tick, he's letting them go?

" Seeing as how we don't have enough supplies to support all of you for a long period of time in these cells, we figured it would be best to send those with family home first," He bellowed once more, before pulling out a key chain.

He then walked up to Fletcher's cell first.

" Last night, you were doing nothing more than following orders, so we aren't going to kill any of you for that despite the fact you nearly killed me and my brother on several occasions. However, those of you who are staying, will be staying a while longer for multiple reasons,"

He then proceeded to unlock Fletcher's cell.

Next thing I knew was Fletcher and about nine other guards being rounded up. The dog had his big machine out by now, and had it aimed at the guard from a distance.

" Alright, fillies and colts, up the stairs!" The dog yelled.

None of them had to be told that twice, seeing as how quickly they started up.

Me and the remaining guards were down here for Luna knows how long, before the dog came back down.

" Seven of you left, huh?" He mumbled.

" Well, I think it's best we got acquainted. My full name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, but you all can just call me Mr. Rhode for now. Your sentence here will be one full month, so get comfy. I'm more than happy to take up any recommendations within my limits, such as bedding or food, so don't feel shy to make requests. Just make sure their reasonable, O.K.? I'm not going too far out of my way to go give you a cell fit for a king or anything,"

A warden who treats his prisoners with respect? And a Diamond dog no less? This is interesting. I figured I could ask some questions about this situation.

" I'm curious, why are you doing this?" I asked.

" Because, even though your prisoners here, you're still living beings who were doing nothing more than following orders. Also, If any of you have questions, I'm more than happy to take them!"

Another guard, Silver Sword I think judging by her voice, spoke up. " Well, why are you keeping us here ya filthy mutt?"

The dog seemed unphased by the insult, since his reply and facial features showed no irritation at all. " Multiple reasons, actually. One reason is you need to serve your sentence. None of you obviously have a family back home, so you won't be missed any time soon. Another reason is well... Me and my brother decided we needed help out here. I understand if you don't wanna stay, but the spots always open. We've talked about it, and we're letting you know now. If you wish to stay out here with us, than that would be enjoyable. You'd get plenty of food, warm shelter, some spending coin, and in return you help us reconstruct the castle and get somewhere nice to stay. Hell, you could even join in on our adventures if you wanted to.

It's a little ambitious of us, trust me when I say I know it, but we do need help out here. And if you don't wanna join us, then so be it. The castle itself has enough housing for at least 56 ponies right now, and an estimated 200 if we can completely repair it and change up a couple unrequired rooms. The gardens and courtyard could easily be converted to farming zones, and the forest can supply us with plenty more food if you know where to look. Me and my brother can survive just fine off the local river and game, so not much to worry there. And even if we do run low on any supplies, we can trade with the local towns, hopefully without a hitch.

And you'll even get access to advanced technologies! Granted, we can't go further than electric lights, Plumbing, Weapons, And Indoor gardens if we can fix up the old throne room at the moment, seeing as how our resources are limited. Not to mention we would prefer you keeping the know how of them secret until we feel ready to-"

" I call bullshit," One of the guards growled.

They're voice was gruff with a deep baritone. I think it was Cloud Nine.

" You call bullshit? How?"

" There is no way in Tarturus that you could be powering those lights with electricity. A mutt like you probably wouldn't understand, but electricity is only found in clouds. And even then, Its still magic based,"

" Mmmhmmm... Do me a favor, and lick this D battery at the nubs. We use these to power most of our clocks and torches back home,"

The dog then pulled out... Some sort of Gold and Black bar with strange symbols on it? Huh, weird. Must be some sort of rune.

He walked to a cell out of my line of sight, and next thing I heard was-

" Ow, what the buck!?"

" There are three main forms of battery around here that you will see if you stay. That was a D battery, and they store the highest voltage out of them all. The other batteries are AA, and AAA. Anyways, were getting off topic. You stick with us, and you get living quarters, food, coin, and much more. Granted, we may end up running out of coin soon, but we could do some work at the neighboring towns. If you prefer to keep your loyalties to your leader, I understand completely. Just remember this though; the reason you all were sent here was because I got into an argument with Luna. And seeing as how your currently on the other side of the bars, I obviously won that argument,"

" What do ya mean ya filthy hound? We're here because of your filthy raiding you lying sack of scum!" Silver Sword yelled.

Are you trying to get us eaten Silver? I mean, look at how... calm he is. O.K., something is up.

" Oh, is that what Luna told you? Well... you don't have to trust us if you want to, but i'm just going to tell you my side of the story. What happened was this; I was dreaming about what I normally dream, which she sensed as dark for some reason. Then she questioned me about things like; What are you? Or; What is your purpose in Equestria? Or even; What are your innate abilities? The abilities part was because I sensed her without really using my senses. That secret dies with me by the way. After a while, she started asking questions that were a bit personal, which led me to threaten to wake up. When she said she would send guards down here to catch me, I laughed at her. I told her that it was going to be too easy. Since she didn't believe me, she obviously sent you guys down. And that's all she wrote,"

" Who wrote what?" I asked, slightly confused.

" Seriously? It's a saying where I'm from that means ' that's everything ' in a way. Anyways, you have all month to decide,"

So... we were lied to? That's... an interesting development. I'm cut between joining the dogs or sticking to Luna. This isn't the first time the princesses made a mistake. Like Celestia and her cake addiction. She needs to be careful, or else some paparazzi will get pictures of that. Joining them is treason, but we get adventure, a place to stay, food and everything else. Buck it, I won't be missing my bed bunk at at the barracks anytime soon. I signed up for adventure anyways, not border patrol and grunt work.

" I'll board that train!" I yelled.

" R-Really? Wow, that's quick. You'll still be spending your-"

" Traitor!"

" Get out of here ya scum!"

" Boo!"

Saw that coming a mile away.

" Soldiers! Stand down!"

What's Cloud up to?

" Look at yourselves, hating on Arrow because of his choice! Now I'm not necessarily in agreement with his actions, but i'm not giving him Tarturus because of it. He's a grown stallion and he can make his own choices! Considering the revelation that we were sent into a mission with false information, My own trust for Luna has been cracked. Of course, we could still be given false information right now, but this wouldn't be the first time the princesses made a mistake. I'll still serve her with loyalty, but my trust is gonna be a bit more limited from now on. Now quit acting like school children and get it together!"

Wow, Clouds backing me up? That's pretty noble of him.

Most of the other guards were silent for a moment. But then, Lo and Behold, Silver Sword herself spoke up.

" So, mutt... Is there anything else you can tell us about our stay here?"

Contact!

Chapter 5

Contact!

Date: 2/8/2037 4/15/1903 (Going by local calendar now)

Time: Roughly Seven in the morning.

Location: Rhode Castle, Courtyard

Ulysses POV

Holy crap. And I mean holy crap. Right in front of me is a real live dragon. Alright, keep your cool, and do what you came here for. And thinking to myself is totally cool.

" Uhhh... Hello? My brother sent me here. He said you needed help?"

I watched the figure move around for a moment, before keeping still again. Her steady breathing was visible from her large chest.

' Well shit, she's asleep' I thought to myself.

Looking around, I found an old tree that had apparently fallen over some time ago. Walking over to it, I plucked a large branch from it and began poking her tail.

" Are you up? Are you up? How bout now?" I questioned while poking her with the branch.

This went on for quite some time. One poke, two poke, rough poke, tough poke. I poke her face, tail, legs, and stomach. When I poked her in a spot that is known as the gludious maximus, she mumbled some sort of sentiment with a hint of pleasure before rolling over, her tail swatting me.

" SSSSHHHHHIIIIIII-" *Whomp!*

I was now pinned against the tree stump with a giant ass tail on my lap. I was stuck there, trying to push her off.

" Nnggh, get... off!" I attempted to yell. However, yelling can be difficult when you're busy trying to save what air you can get.

Trying to push her tail up, I grunted in effort. My efforts were beginning to be rewarded as her tail slowly lifted off my chest. After getting it up a good distance, I rolled out from under the tail just before it thwomped back onto the ground.

After getting out from under her, I found the branch I was poking her with broke. So I walked up to the fallen tree and broke a decent sized branch about 5 ft, and a good 4 inches thick. Walking up to her head, I gave her a swift slap across the face with the branch.

No respone. After a few more slaps, I noticed I wasn't getting anywhere.

Well... All or nothing...

Pulling out an airhorn, I slammed it as hard as I could.

Right. In. Her. Face.

* BREEEEEEEEEEE!*

" zzz- Huzwuh!?" She yelped in suprise.

The fact that it took a moment to respond to the airhorn in her face suprises me.

With the weight removed, I got up to my feet. Brushing myself off, I came face to face with an extremely irritated dragon.

" Uhhh... Cervantes sent me down here, said you needed work done,"

" Oh, yeah... Listen, and listen good. You wake me like that again, and I'll use you like a toothpick. Clear?"

" Clear. Although, I hope you have a can-opener, because I have a can of whoop ass for you in my pocket..."

" O.K., Good. You can bring your brother with you on this one if you want. I've heard about a Fire Ruby necklace in a town called Ponyville. I want you to fetch it for me, one way or another,"

" Anything else chief?"

" Well... Not yet, I suppose,"

" Meh, alright. If there's anything else, don't be afraid to holler for me or my brother,"

[{((O))}]

I hate it when I get lost. I mean, I was following the path and everything. But then... that butterfly flew in front of me. I'm kind of embarresed by it, but I followed a pink butterfly and got lost. I don't even know why I did it. It was just so damn... pink. I swear by god, I can be so damn stupid sometimes.

Bush. Bush. Bush. Statue. Bu- wait, what? Taking two steps back, I came back to what was rather remarkable. It was a statue of a werewolf. The details were absolutly marvelous, and in its paw was an obsidian knife. Whoever made this statue was a fine craftsman. Knife was a piece of shit for being handcrafted though. Typical amateur in my opinion.

Taking a closer look at the statue though, I saw a brief twinkle in its eyes. Whoah. Nope, fuck that. I'm backing off.

As I slowly walked away, I took a look back. I don't know why but... I kind of feel sorry for some reason.

After a while longer, I decided to take a rest. Seeing as how the sun's movement is more drunk than Cervantes half the time, I honestly couldn't tell the time right now.

I just sat there, embracing the forest's peace. Man, this day is pretty nice. Nothing much other than that statue is really weird about today... or getting trapped under a dragons tail... or the attack by the guards... Or being in a world full of magical talking ponies... Yep. Everything is pretty normal here.

After basking in the sun for a moment, my stomach began to grumble. Checking my pockets, I find a Twix bar and a Gatorade bottle. While savoring possibly one of the last meals to come from my world, I began to contemplate things.

What are the odds of all this? Of this happening to not just me, but my brother as well? A new place to call home... home... despite not really having one anymore, I like the sound of it. Home. Yeah, that's it. From now on, this is our home. This forest, the sky we live under, this planet, all of it is our home now. And we might as well keep it safe from any harm what so ever.

... That's it! Me and Cervantes will pull an old fashioned America! We'll buy out some land from what ever local empire and make it our own! We'll take it and found it as The Republic of New America, or some shit. Definitely sticking to being a republic though, just like good ol' America. And we'll do what America has always done! Despite America originally wanting to stay Isolationist, they ended up butting into things that were required to be butted into. WW1, WW2, Vietnam war, all the way up to the Isis terrorist group. Granted, we've made mistakes, such as our prison camps for Japs in WW2, and killing off nearly all native americans off after we stole their lands. No one's perfect.

After getting myself a much needed morale boost, I bumbled up. Now with a swagger to my step, I continued on with my journey. Who knew a pink butterfly and a statue could lead to such contemplations?

My mind had started to wander off to other things. How are we here though? We were obviously given a second chance, so that means some one is watching us. I wonder if... Leo and Sam are somewhere around here as well? If the whole gang gets together again... It would be nice to see them again after all of these years.

Not to mention we would most likely be a force to be reckoned with. Leo may not be strong, but he can McGuiver through any situation. He taught Cervantes how to do the same to make explosives and taught me how to make bio-diesel fuel, which always comes in handy with my chainsaw, and on occasions, my motor-cycle. First chance I get, I'm gonna see if I can try and make a new one.

And Samus... Hoo boy. She's got looks, but just remember. A coral snake can look nice too. She's not like a stereotypical blonde either. She's the only one I know who can kick Cervantes' kiester. All those mixed martial arts and boxing classes she took as a kid most definitely show in her. It's kind of like a flip side of the coin though. On the other hand, she's extremely great with animals of any kind, and could grow you just about anything in any condition.

As for Cervantes... He may have changed from being an asshole from the first couple of years he took care of us, but he still drinks and curses a lot. Despite that all though, and even when he used to treat us like shit, he's still got a heart of gold. Ever since he changed, he would always have a sad look in his eye. He may not recognize it himself, but he still does.

And finally... Dad. Never thought my mind would drift off to him, but I guess it did. He was always nice. Always honest. He was a great man, but one day... he just never came home from work. We never found out why. Not even mom knew. I'm suprised that he managed to fit inside the house, now that I look back. He was 7 ft 11 inches, and was labelled ' Tree man ' in his days for the circus. That's right, he used to be in the circus. He learned how to use a whip from one of the other circus workers. Not all of his practice left him. He used to pull off tricks by tossing rocks in the air and cracking them out of sight to amaze me and the others.

It's still amazing to this day, how he could crack the rocks with such precision and strength.

I doubt we'll see him again though, he'd probably be around 65 or 66 by now anyway.

It wasn't really that much longer until I came across a clearing. And just down the hill was Ponyville.

That's a really punny name in my opinion. What's next, They gonna mix the word canter with Camelot? Pfffft, I'll eat my hat when that happens... On second thought, I wouldn't doubt it. Not gonna risk my hat for something that probably does exist.

I was not that far from the town now before I realised something. How the hell am I going to blend in?

Digging through my bottomless pockets, I find a horse mask. Don't know why I had one actually. With my hat hung low to hide my face and me crawling on all fours, I proceed into town. Some of the... townsponies?... were giving me odd looks, but other than that, I went unnoticed. It wasn't long before I came across a very ironic structure. A tree... that was also a library. I would have laughed my butt off right then and there if it weren't for the fact I'm incognito. Maybe I can get information on this Fire Ruby Necklace here.

Opening the door, I walked into the lobby. The place was simple, just bookshelves here, purple unicorn I saw from last night reading a book there... Yep, just simple.

Crawling up to the counter, I clear my throat so I could talk to her.

" Excuse me madam, but I happen to be a gatherer of treasures and I need your help in seeking some knowledge of a treasure I've heard about within the vicinity of this town," I asked deeply.

She looked up from her book, startled.

" Oh, umm... sure, what would you like to know about?"

" I've heard that a fire ruby necklace is somewhere in the town. Could you point me to where it may be?"

" Well it belongs to a friend of mine... why are you asking?"

" Like I said, I'm a treasure hunter. If you could just give me some directions as to where I may find it-"

" I'm sorry, but I won't help you. Something just seems... off about you. Are you new in town?"

" Yes actually, I am. And if you won't help me, then I can't force you. I suppose I'll just look elsewhere,"

" Okay... while your here, would you like to check out a book?"

" Nah, I've practically got my own library back home,"

" Well alright then. What kind of books do you have?"

Oh fuck, I never really looked at the castle library. Time to bullshit my way out.

" Ehhh... Just old magic books, encyclopedias, and how to books. Even a couple of science fiction novels,"

" Really? You wouldn't happen to have any copies of Star Mares, would you? I've been looking around for one to add to the library for a while now,"

I cringed when I heard that pun. Star Mares? Are you kidding?

" Uhh... no, sorry. I've actually been looking for a copy myself,"

" Oh. You also said you had magic books. What kind of magic are you specialized in?"

" I don't really practice it, but I do enjoy studying it. Anything from simple enchantments to the works behind teleportation spells,"

This whole situation in town best be fucking worth it. I don't know how much longer I can bullshit her.

" Really? Well I do the same really. " She asked.

" I'd love to, but I have to go. Perhaps if our paths cross again in the future, okay?"

" Understandable,"

" Well," I bellowed as I bowed my head to her, " I gotta get going. See ya round!"

" Are you sure you don't want to check out any books?"

" Hmmm... Well... I'll take a look,"

[{((O))}]

Never. Never again will I deal with that crud. Looking around for anywhere else to go for information with my books in tow, I decide to cut through the market. Maybe I could get some gossip from here. Most of the gossip I've been getting is the kind you would get from tabloids. Seriously, what the hell is a changeling anyways? And what would it have to do with a 'mirror pool incident?'. It would be pretty nice to have a bunch of clones...

I crawled around for a bit.. This crawling is hell on my knees. Maybe I can find an alley to give them a break. Looking around, I see a small gutter in between two houses. After going inside the gutter, I slip into the shadows to make sure no one can see me. I now stand up to my impressive height of 6 ft 6 inches again. I stood there for a minute to pop my knees. Wow, that feels great. Might as well crack my back while I'm at it. * Cr-crick *. Ahhhhh... so beautiful. I was just about to leave before I heard some thing clatter behind me.

Whipping around, I see a sea foam mare with a white strip through her mane standing right next to a full garbage bag, staring right at me.

I sat there dumbstruck, fearing my cover was blown, I could still at least Strangle her coax her into keeping quiet " ... Uhhhhh... Hello?"

Smooth as shark skin, dumb-ass.

She just sat there gawking and staring. No more then a couple seconds later, She grinned wide enough to give the cheshire cat a run for his money.

" Could you uhhh... keep this a secret?"

" I knew you were real,"

" Pleas mam, I really don't wanna use the chlorofo-... wait, what did you say?"

" EEEEE! A real human! Omagosh Omagosh Omagosh Oma-!" *Pomf*

My fist had somehow completely stuffed her mouth.

For those of you who took that out of context, stop your giggling before my fist decides to come to your face's house to ask for a cup of flour.

" Shhhhh! Keep it on the downlow! I'm doing reconnasaince for my people," I whisper-yelled.

" Now, I'm going to remove my hand. Is that okay?"

She nodded her approval.

Slowly removing my hand, I heard a voice from the window above.

" Lyra? I thought that we agreed we would stop that human buisiness. They aren't real!"

" Sorry Bons, thought I saw something!"

" Just lay off the humans, okay? I worry about you you know,"

" Alright Bons,"

I sat there,trying to process what the hell I just heard. Humans? In Equestria before me and Cervantes. This is an interesting development.

" Wait... you know about humans?

" Of course I do! Your kind is legendary!"

" Really? To what culture? Last ponies I came into contact with had confused me for a naked Diamond Dog,"

" Well... You're kind is from Minotaur legends mostly... Although your not painted in the lightest colors. That sort of thing doesn't matter right now though! A real live human is in front of me!"

" Right... well... I'll be heading out now..."

" What? You can't leave!" She half-yelled, giving me a very scary stare.

" Uhh... and why not?"

" Because... umm... I have questions! Yeah, that's it, questions!"

" Uh-huh. What are these questions?"

" Well... why are humans in hiding?"

" We never were hiding. You've just never looked hard enough,"

" Really? Where are you all then?"

" Uhh... the Everfree,"

" What!? But why?"

" Uhh... the weathers nice? I honestly don't know. Most humans tend to live in extreme environments that nobody else wants to. From the desert to the artic, we've claimed it,"

" Fascinating..." She hushed as she pulled a notebook out of nowhere.

" Next question. What does the human diet consist of?"

" Meh, It's a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, with a healthy amount of meat. Mmmmmm, meat," I reply with a grin as thoughts of cooked ham and KFC pass through my head.

She shuffled slightly, looking a pinch less uncomfortable.

" O-okay, next question. Why are you wearing a mask?"

" Hello? Reconassance? Gotta be incognito and what not,"

" Oh, right... well... I have one last question for now,"

" Yeah?"

" Could I visit your nations capital?"

Hmmm... I could take advantage of this.

" Hmmm... maybe. We aren't going to be in hiding much longer. I'm going to need some information too,"

" EEE-! *ahem*, Sorry," She squeaked with a sheepish smile.

" All I need to know for now is this: I've been looking for a fire ruby necklace for a while now. Do you happen to know the location of it?"

" Hmmm... I think It's at carousel boutique. You know how to get there?"

" I would appreciate written directions,"

[{((O))}]

After getting directions from Lyra, it doesn't take me long to find this poor excuse of a boutique.

It's even more wrong, considering you normally ride horses on carousels.

Crawling up to the door, I open it and proceeded inside. Looking around I see... Manequins? Or would it be Ponequins? Lots of fabric too.

" Hello, and welcome to- AHHHHH!!" *thump*

God damnit!

Looking around, and waiting a moment, I find that no one else is here.

Well... Crap. Standing up as high as I can without hitting my head on the ceiling, I pick her up, and place her on a couch in the next room. Huh, she actually lives in her store. Or is it that she has a store inside her house? The world may never know. Walking around the house for a bit (Which is a bit invasive, I know), I find a kitchen, where I begin to prepare some sweet tea. Of course, being devious, I am in the area of my quest item. After going upstairs, I find her bedroom. After carefully sifting through

Bingo. If she doesn't give this to me willingly, I can grease her... hoof... with a generous amount of gold coins. Or find a way to get a counterfeit at least

As I make my way downstairs, I hear some movement downstairs.

Crap crap crap crap crap!

Rolling down the hall (Literally, I was just like the game character from Metroid), I crouched to the height of a pony and sprang to the kitchen and grabbed the whistling tea pot that must've woken her and poured her a cup.

" Oh, I had the most horrible-" I heard the priss begin, before her words halted as she came into the kitchen.

Shit, think fast!

" Well, greetings madam. You passed out earlier, so I carried you to the couch, and I figured I should make you some tea. Would you like some?" I asked with a hint of nervousness.

My heart was racing at an incredible rate, seeing as how I'm not sure how she'll respond.

" Why... thank you sir. Despite how you... look, you are a gentlecolt"

" Mother wouldn't have raised me any other way," I responded.

" Well, she obviously raised you well,"

" Thank you, although sometimes I wish I could say the same about my siblings back home,"

" Really? Do tell," She asked with curiosity.

" Well... My oldest brother tends to curse and drink, and he's more of the rowdy type. My sister doesn't drink or curse, but she's got twice the fight in comparison to my oldest brother. And then there's my youngest brother. He's not bad, but he doesn't really like to socialize that much. Most of the time he stays inside tinkering with his little contraptions. Me? My mother has been trying to figure out to this day what she got right with me," I chuckled out in the end.

" I see... So before I fainted, and I do apoligize, that was very unlady-like of me, but what was the original reason you arrived? I hope it was to change that dreadfull ensemble?"

Hey, bitch! This is stylish back home... at least to me.

" Oh! Thank you for bringing that up. I've heard about a fire ruby necklace in the vacinity, and my leads have brought me to you. You see, I'm a treasure collecter, And I was hoping if maybe I could purchase it?"

" I'm sorry darling, but it's not for sale,"

I pull out the knapsack I brought along my journey and place it on the table, being sure to not show my hands.

" How does... 2,500 gold bits sound?"

I heard her teacup drop to the ground, shattering and spilling its contents.

" Wha- what!? Are you a noble?!"

" No, but being a treasure collector, I can make a few bits here and there from some of my treasures," I replied cooly.

" Look, I'm sorry, but it's still not for sale,"

" Could I change your mind by adding an extra 2,000 bits to that?"

" NO! I- I mean... no. It was given to me by a good friend, and I wouldn't trade it for the world,"

" I see... that would make you a very good friend. I admire your resistance to such a large sum. If it means that much to you, I will not force you to give it to me. However, this leaves me with a dilemna. I wasn't just collecting this necklace for myself. I actually planned on giving it to a lady friend of mine," I spoke with feign dissapointment.

" I see... I have an Idea,"

" Yes?"

" Seeing as how you're such a... big stallion, perhaps we could go somewhere to get another fire ruby. All you have to do is dig them up, and I'll make you another necklace for your marefriend. Does that sound like a deal?"

" That would be better than nothing. And she's not my marefriend!"

[{((O))}]

Rarity and I went our merry way through town, me recieving even more odd looks from the ponies. This crap is getting old. I would personally call everyo-... everypony out on it if it weren't for the fact that it would draw more attention. Other than that, our path to the location we were going to was uneventfull. As she began marking places for some reason, I felt a pinch happier that I wouldn't have to steal after all,"

At least until she asked a question I have feared all day.

" So, darling, why do you wear you hat so low? I'm barely able to see so much as the tip of your muzzle,"

" I... I have... a scar. Happened in a fight with a manticore while I was treasure hunting. I like to keep it hidden,"

" Oh... Well I'm sure it's not that bad. Maybe if you let me take a look-"

" NO! I... I'm sorry about my outburst, but no. I just don't wan't to show the scar,"

" Well... alright. But I'm telling you now, all it would take is a bit of make-up and-"

" Hold it there, ponies!" A whiny-pitched voice yelled from behind us.

Rarity cringed. Something that I guess isn't a good thing.

We both slowly turned around to come face to face with three Diamond Dogs. Two of them had their spears out and pointed towards us, while the third wielded a large jagged knife, roughly seven to eight inches long, that appeared to be made of gold. The armor they wore was shoddy, and could easily be removed if I hit them just right.

" I'll handle this," I whispered towards Rarity.

" Ahem. Greetings fellows! I'm just curious as to what you might-"

" Shut up pony! Speak up again and we hit you in the face with spear!" The dog to the right barked.

" Would bits change your mind?"

That perked their ears.

" Depends, how much are you going to pay us?" One of them growled.

" 100 bits for each of you. Does that sound okay?"

" 150 each!"

" 125?"

" 140 bits, take it or we take you!"

*Sigh*..." Okay, here," I groaned in defeat.

Tossing a bag of coins to them, grins grew on their faces.

" Pleasure doing buisness pony!" The dog to the left chirped.

" No problem. Hey, I have an Idea for the three of you,"

" Does it involve bits?"

*Sigh* " Yes, it involves bits. My associate over here is helping me look for a fire ruby about the size of one of your spearheads. Could you help us find one please? I'll toss in an extra 50 bits for each of you,"

" Make it 60 and we'll consider it,"

" 75 and you don't consider it,"

" We'll get right on it boss!"

I sat there with a grin, pleased that I may have three more friends to bring home. Rarity was sitting next to me, dumbstruck.

" I... I can't believe what you've just done. How did you... why would..." She was at a loss for words.

" How did I do it? Simple. Their just like you and me, creatures trying to get by. Granted, they don't have as peaceful methods, but they're still sentient beings that try to get by. A bit of coin is all it takes to grease their paws. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to help them dig,"

" ..."

[{((O))}]

After some long and hard digging ( I dug with my 'hooves' ), One of the speardogs ended up finding one.

Rarity was for the most part, still speechless. In fact, I don't think she's even done so much as blinked.

" I thank you three for helping, and as promised, the 75 for each of you," I speak with joy.

" Anytime pony!"

As we parted ways, I yelled out to them, " I may require your services again sometime! Keep an eye on the edge of the Everfree for me!"

" Will do!"

" Wha-! Why would you want to have those filthy hounds around again!?"

" Because, they could be of great use to me. I may be a treasure hunter, but that's just one of my many occupations," I replied with a smirk.

Shame she couldn't see my face.

" I won't ask. I should have the necklace ready by next week,"

" Thank you. I'll be more than happy to pay for your services,"

" Oh, nonsense. You did save me from Diamond dogs, so we're even!" She gleefully spoke.

She then leaned in and kissed me on the top of my hat before trotting of into town.

" ... What the fuck?"

[{((O))}]

Third POV: Cervantes

Cervantes was cleaning the kitchen not long after caring for the injured in the old servants quarters. He then suddenly drops the bucket of water and mop he was using to clean.

As the contents of the bucket gushed out from it, Cervantes' left eye twitched.

" I sense a disturbance in the force..." He muttered.

Mischief

Chapter 6

Mischief

Date: 4/21/1903 (I seriously don't know why Ulysses wants to change calendars)

Time: Roughly Noon

Location: Everfree Forrest, Rhode castle (Throne room)

Cervantes POV

It's been roughly a week since I've found this castle. And I've gotten a lot done, surprisingly enough. The kitchen, Dining room, And food storage (Which has some runes that I'll have to search up later), Are in working and clean conditions. The prisoner haven't made so much as a peep about requests (That Silver Sword character is getting on my nerves though). We've repaired a couple of bedrooms and got the bathroom down the hall working. It's got more of those runes which, might have some actual usefulness. And finally, the forge. That thing is quite a project. I could make weapons now, but I'm going to have to find some plaster or clay if I want to make molds for replacement parts and casings. Thank you very much for mass production, Eli Whitney.

Other than that... I have nothing to do. I went to the library, but most of it is in Ye Olde English, while the rest magical bullshit I can't understand. So here I sit, bored to tears. *sigh*

" Feeling... down? ... It can get... lonely sometimes..."

Oh hey, It's my favorite ghost.

" How's it going for you moon?"

" It has been... better. Although... I have been longing... for something lately..."

" What's that?"

" A... host. I'm fine with... this form... but I would appreciate... a body..."

" Really? I'd offer you mine but I'm using it right now," I reply with dry humor.

" Oh... don't worry... our minds would... merge... rather than me taking over..."

This raised an eyebrow of concern from my end.

" Sorry but... I don't want to risk it,"

" It would be... absolutely harmless..."

" Well... to sum it up better, I just don't want to share my body. My brother is already having problems sharing his own with voices in his head alone,"

The spirit sat there, pondering for a moment. Eventually, I heard a barely audible sigh.

" Very well... but I still want a body..."

" Understandable. Say... maybe we could find something in the library?"

" Unfortunately... No. I have scanned... the library for... a few months now... "

" And the results?"

" Fruitless. I would manifest my form... for all to see... but I lack the energy,"

" Whoa, back up. You could make it so all could see you?"

" Of course... I just need to feed off energy,"

" And what would that be?"

" ... Fear..."

Fear? Oh this will be fun...

" I have an idea..."

[{((O))}]

Me and the spirit were taking a nice hike to the edge of the Everfree. Why, you ask? Well, let me show you what happens when you take away a man's pornography...

" O.K., you see that little colt over there?" I said, pointing to a white colt with brown spots, mane, and tail.

" ... Yes?"

" I'm gonna scare the ever living shit out of him. Would a child's fear be good enough for you?"

" A child... is much more... potent,"

" Great! I normally don't scare children, but this is a good chance to brush up my skills. Now follow me..." I hushed as we crept closer, trying to not to brush any bush branches or step on any twigs.

" Where are they? They said we would meet here..." I heard the colt groan in impatience.

I cupped my hand around and began to whisper to nightmare.

" If we wait, we could scare off the kids friends as well. Whaddya think?"

She gave me a mischievous smile before nodding.

It honestly wasn't much longer till three fillies came up. Fillies that seemed... familiar. Why the hell do I keep getting these feelings that I've seen this world before... I'll just brush it off for now.

" Awlright girls, are we ready to get our cuite marks!?" yelled the yellow one with a pink bow in it's red mane.

" Heck yeah!" The orange one replied.

Jesus, chickens are sentient here too?

" CUTIE MARK CRUSADER MONSTER CATCHERS!"

Ow fuck! Who decided to give them the royal capslock! Wait... that reference is familiar... deal with it later.

Hold on, Cervantes. I have something-

Not now, tell me later

Fine.

The 'Crusaders' would have continued if they hadn't completely startled me.

" Wha- what was that?" The marshmallow one said squeakily, startled by my scuffling.

" So the game... begins..." Nightmare spoke with much joy.

She's actually starting to concern me with the amount of joy radiating of her. I say she because I'm starting to see more feminine characteristics. Must be her absorbing fear and what not.

I leaped out of the bushes and yelled " OOGA BOOGA!"

The air was filled with shrill screams.

" Aw fuck! Who turned on the emergency broadcast system!?" I yelled as I clamped my hands over my head, eyes shut from the oncoming headache.

" Quick, round up the varmint!" I heard the yellow filly yell.

I then felt a net assault my face.  Opening my eyes, I saw that I was trapped in a rope net. A poorly tied rope net. It barely took me two seconds to slip through one of the larger holes.

" Ah told you to tie it better Scootaloo!" The yellow one yelled at the orange one.

" Hey! It's Sweetie Belles fault for giving me crappy rope!" The orange one named Scootaloo yelled back.

" Um, girls?" The white and brown colt chimed in.

" My fault!? How would how good a rope is judge how well you tie it!?" this 'Sweetie Belle' yelled in question.

" Girls?" He asked, a little louder and more annoyed.

" Because of how stringy that stuff was! I got some of it all over in my mouth!"

" Girls!" The colt finally snapped.

" What!?" The three yelled in unison.

" Don't we have... bigger problems?" He asked while pointing a shaking hoof at me.

The three mouth an 'O' before huddling up together, shaking more than a tumbleweed in a storm. Nightmare, was meanwhile, laughing her ass off in the bushes. At least some one is having fun, I have to go to the doctor to get my hearing checked later.

" P-Please don't eat us!" The yellow one chattered.

" Take Pip!" The orange one squealed.

" Wait, why me!?" The 'Pip' yelled.

" Because... fillies are skinnier. You'll want colts, yeah, colts!"

" Nu-uh!" Pip yelled.

" Umm..." I uttered.

" Ah! It's getting ready to attack!" Sweetie screamed, diving behind Pip.

The other girls followed suit. Hmm... I could do this colt a favor. Leaning over the colt, who was now the size of a bowling ball, I whispered in his ear.

" Psst, kid."

" ... what?"

" Listen up. I was doing nothing more than trying to scare you guys off. If you wanna look like a hero, play along. When I pick you up, hit me in the face. I'll drop you, and you kick me in the shin. Then you get these girls the hell out of dodge. Kapish?"

" Uhhh..."

Grabbing his sides I roared.

" Roaarr-!" I was however, interrupted by his punch.

It was a rather soft but sturdy feeling to get hit with it, kind of like a baseball bat wrapped in silk.

After dropping him, he kicked me. However, his aim was... off.

*Thowmp!* Was the sound his hoof made when it made the connection with my one-eyed gopher. I may be tough, but not even I could withstand such an attack.

" Urrrrgghhh..." I groaned in pain as my face twisted into utter discomfort.

" Run!" The colt yelled.

I watched the four of them run off to the town, leaving me in the dust. Nightmare took this opportunity to come out of the bushes, still in uproarious laughter.

" Oh my- Hahaha- goodness! That was the best- Heheheh- performance I've had in years. The looks on their faces when you leaped out of the bushes! The way those fillies thought that colt actually took you down! The look on your face when he kicked you in your stallionhood! BWAHAHAHA!"

" I see you're feeling better," I groaned with my face in the dirt.

" Heheh, what was that?" She said, wiping a tear from her face.

" Nothing. Are you strong enough now?"

" Oh yes," She replied with a sharp-toothed grin " And thanks to you,"

" Don't mention it- Ah!" I yelped.

" Do you need help? You helped me so it's only the best if I-"

" No, I'm fine! I'll just... walk it off," I groaned.

" Well, If you say so..." She trailed off, looking at the town in the distance.

" Oh no," She whispered.

" Something the matter?" I ask, hands still clutched firmly around my balls.

" We need to move," She said with seriousness in her tone.

" What is it? I'm sure I could take care of it-"

" NOW!" She yelled, trying to pick me up off the ground.

" What's the matter Moon? It couldn't be that bad,"

" We attracted some company. The same kind of company that left me in the weak state you first saw me in!"

" Shit. Just uhh... make a run for it then. I'll talk to them,"

" NO! They're too dangerous!"

" I'm not exactly in the condition to run Moon! I'll meet up with you back at the castle!"

She looked towards the forest, then me, then the forest again.

" I- I can't just leave you! You're the first creature I've ever met that's genuinely helped me!"

" Then turn invisible and hide in the bushes or something!"

She hesitated for a moment, before going wide-eyed at what ever was arriving.

" Fine!" She yelled before phasing out and hiding behind a tree.

As soon as that happened, a warm gush of wind brushed across my face. Looking up, I saw it was a breath. That breath happened to be a cowpony standing over me. An angry cowpony. Before I had a chance to respond, her hoof connected with my jaw. Any normal human beings jaw would've been dislocated from that hit, but we've already established what my bones are made of. Combine that with stiffening muscles to take on any hit, and I'm nearly indestructible. Nearly. Her left hoof pinned me down as her right hoof reeled back for another punch. I feel bad for doing this, but I kicked her right in the chest, sending her flying. Before I could finish getting up on my feet. The blue ones head connected with my gut.

Wrong move.

When she bounced off from the recoil, I grabbed her by her left rear leg and slammed her into the ground like a club. I then scooped her off the ground and began spinning. I would've hammer tossed her into any direction if it weren't for that orange pony bucking me in the ass. For those of you who took that the wrong way, please go down candy cane lane, make a left turn at the first gingerbread house you see, and go die in a hole.

The buck knocked the blue pony out of my hand and made me stumble for a brief moment. She looked at me with a slight grin before becoming slightly startled that I was still standing. I then got on my hands and knees, and repeated what she did to me. With stronger effects. She went flying into a tree, getting knocked unconcious. The blue one was mumbling incoherently as she tried to get up, with failed results.

Wait... don't I know these ponies? ... oh balls.

I was then surrounded by a violet shield with just enough room to stand. Fuck my life.

" So... we meet again," The purple unicorn spoke with disdain written on her face.

" Yeah... Look, if this is about those children, I was only trying to scare them off,"

" It was originally, but now?..." She said, looking towards her two friends who were being carefully attended to by the butter pegasus. " It's a bit more personal,"

The white one was practically steaming, the purple one wasn't that far from it, and the pink ones hair was flat as condensation dripped from her eyes. Overall, they were not happy.

" Look, I did that in self defense. If you're pissed, that's understandable, just please don't do anything irrational,"

" I'm not going to do anything to you..."

Whew...

" ... But I am going to send a letter to Princess Celestia,"

... What?

Would you like that data dump now? It could help explain things.

I guess?

[{((O))}]

My little pony, my little pony,

Ahhhhhhh~

My little pony!

I used to wonder what friendship could be!

My little pony!

Could you share this magic with me?

A beautiful heart

Faithful and strong

Tons of adventure

And lots of fun

Sharing kindness is an easy feat

And magic makes it all complete!

My little pony!

Do you all know you're my best friend!

[{((O))}]

... Ohhhhhh, I remember now. This is Equestria, A place from a cartoon show I used to watch as a teen-ager called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. And these ponies are the elements and the town... is... Ponyville... hmmm... SWEET TITS! SHE'S WRITING A LETTER TO CELESTIA! WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I- *Mental Slap!*... *ahem*... Let's evaluate. Twilight Sparkle is going to write to Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia is the sun goddess of this multi-verse, and has infinite fucking patience. This could however, be another alternate dimension with scales tipped more towards the fan-fiction side. If that's the case, then there is no telling what so ever. Well... fuck it. I'll contact her through her sister.

I reeled my fist back and slammed it into the shield. Or should I say through? Twilight put a hoof to her head, cringing due to what would most likely be a magical backlash of sorts. Since she's not best pony, I don't give a shit. But she is going to be writing to Celestia... fuck it, I'm making a bolt for it. I was near the edge, when Fluttershy zoomed ahead and stopped in front of me.

" Now listen hear mister!" She began," Just because you're all big and tough, doesn't mean you can push my friends around!"

" Oh it's not because of that. It's because I just want to get the hell out of dodge. I've got a tea party back at the castle with a friend of mine, and I'm just dying to try her crumpets," I reply with sarcasm thicker than tomato soup.

" Apologize to my friends now mister!"

" No. The cowpony and the pegasus attacked first,"

" So what? You're bigger than them, so you could have stopped them without hurting them. As for Twilight, you have no excuse,"

" Okay, one, ever heard the story of David and Goliath? I'm a firm believer of that. And two, she captured and imprisoned me with out saying my Miranda rights or a fair trial, so fuck that,"

" Do it now, or I'll use The Stare,"

" Oooh, a stare. What are you gonna do, watch paint dry?" I taunted.

On the inside, I was extremely scared about the results. It could just be one of those psychological things though. Hopefully.

She then clenched her eyes for a moment, before giving me The Stare. Honestly, this must be embarrassing for- Hurk! Glurgh! Levels of... danger... are over... nine-thousand! Can't- Take- THE CUTENESS!

I fell on my back, uproariously laughing my ass off. She seemed startled, while the others gawked (Except for Applejack, she's still out like a light).

" But-... how?" The buttery pegasus mare muttered in awe.

" Well, mentally, I'm an iron prison. I've done things no-one should do, and I've lived through as much,"

I stood up after wiping a fake tear from my face, and started heading for the forest before I heard Ulysses voice come up from behind.

" Cervantes? What the hell are you doing here?" He queried.

" Well, I was originally scaring some children away from the forest, but these ponies decided they wanted to fight. I was just about to leave. Also, why are you on the ground with a horse mask?"

" Uhhh..." Was all he could gather.

" Wait," Rarity began, eyes shifting towards my brother, " You know this beast? Consorting with Diamond Dogs was bad enough, but this? Horrid!"

" Well," Ulysses began, standing up, " He's my older brother,"

The ponies sat there, gawking at what they saw.

" PLOT TWIST!" Pinkie Pie yelled, hoof pointing in the air.

Ulysses then took of his mask, revealing the brown eyes and tan skin of Ulysses. He was looking at me with quite a bit of agitation.

" Cervantes, apologize to the ponies. Now."

" I- I- But it was in self-"

" I don't care! Apologize, now!" He yelled.

Fuck. I know it's bad if he's the one asking me to apologize.

" *sigh*, Fine. * Deep Inhale* I'mreallysorryforkickingtheeverlivingshitoutofyourfriendsinsultingthemandrefusingtoapoligizeearlier!" I gushed out in one breath.

" Uhh... did anyone get that?" Ulysses asked.

" Yeah, we got it. Comes from sticking around Pinkie," Twilight started," But it doesn't mean we forgive you,"

" Well we can't have that, now can we?" Ulysses uttered with joy.

" PINKIE! The shame wig!" he yelled as he stuck his hand out.

Pinkie grinned, and then pulled out a... oh no. I am NOT wearing that!

They saw me slowly back away, which only made him and Pinkie grin even more.

" Don't struggle Cervy," Pinkie giggled with a twisted grin, " It'll only make things worse,"

" SSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!"

[{((O))}]

It was humiliating. I am utterly outraged! How could they do such a thing? All six ponies were rolling around, laughing their asses off (My yell brought Applejack from unconsciousness), while I sat here wearing this... this abomination! I was sitting here, tied to a tree, with a giant Afro clown wig on.

" A-Alright y'all, I think he's learned his lesson." Applejack coughed, trying to catch her breath.

Twilight and Rarity, both still giggling, untied me and took of the wig.

" Ulysses..." I groan with clenched teeth as my rage built up.

" Yeeeesss~?"

" Run,"

Friend or Foe?

Chapter 7

Friend or Foe?

Date: 4/22/1903

Time: About two or three hours from sunset

Location: Forrest, chasing Ulysses

Cervantes POV

" Get over here you asshole!" I yelled in blind fury.

In current events, I was chasing my brother Ulysses through the forest after making me wear a shame wig. Granted, I could be acting maturely, and laugh at it myself, but today just felt like the kind of day to rage. His antics are something I can deal with. Hell, even the occasional prank. But making me wear that horrifying wig? Nope, too far. He god damn well knows what I'm afraid of. Fucking clowns...

We were currently going down a rather commonly traveled path, judging by how beat down it was. And unfortunately for Ulysses, I exercise more than him. Normally, I wouldn't be this good at running, but getting used to carrying at least 100 pounds of equipment a day on your person can give you some great exercise, this was a walk in the park. Since I left my equipment at the castle, save for my combat knife, 44. Revolvers, a Flash Bang, and an Acoustic guitar. If someone happens to come by when I catch him... let's just hope they mind their own business.

" Not gonna happen Cervantes!" He yelled back.

Although he did do something that no one should ever do in a horror movie. He looked back. He was so startled that I was so close to him, that he tripped over a tree root sticking out of the ground, causing him to tumble to the ground.

Target locked-on.

I leaped forward and body slammed him, resulting in an 'oof' from him. I looked over him, with a sick grin now that I finally caught him.

He gulped loudly, before asking " Uhh... what are you going to do now?" With a nervous and frightened look.

" Simple, Ulysses," I replied," Do unto others as they have done unto you,"

I then held both of his arms in place with my legs, and pulled out a tool for his demise. With one hand holding is head in place, and the other holding my weapon of choice, I went to work.

[{((O))}]

" This stuff doesn't come out easily you know," Ulysses muttered as we walked down the path.

" And why in the hell would you have a permanent marker anyways?" He asked as he tried to wipe it off as best he could.

" Umm... scientific reasons," I replied as I tried to avoid contact.

" Bullshit and you know it. Tell me why you have one,"

" Uhh... you know how some people get high from sniffing paint?"

" Yeah? What about-... Oh..."

" Yeah... there was a period of time when I was desperate to look for someone to talk to. I originally used it to guide survivors to me in case there were any, but that got me nowhere. So... I got curious and gave it another use,"

" Okay, but another question. Why did you draw a penis on my face?"

" Meh, it seemed like a good choice at the time,"

" Righty then. Say, want a soda?" He asked, pulling out a Pepsi bottle with condensation dripping down it.

" What the- Where in the nine hells did you get that!?" I yelled.

" I honestly don't know exactly. I discovered how to do it a couple of nights ago in my room..."

[{((O))}]

Ulysses POV

I was sitting here on this musty old mattress in my room, bored out of my mind. I honestly had nothing better to do other than wait for that marshmallow mare to finish up with that necklace. So. Goddamned. Bored. There was nothing but boring shit in the library, and the guards in the dungeon are too scared to talk to me, so what the fuck do I do? I could masturbate, but I don't have any magazines... hmmm... maybe. Just maybe. I tried willing a playboy magazine into existence when all of a sudden, a rip in space popped up above my bed. Out of that rip popped a 2009 miss October issue. Looking to the left, then right, with a sly grin, I picked it up and turned the page.

[{((O))}]

Cervantes POV

" That's a uhh... Interesting way to find out you have super powers, Ulysses," I choked out in mystification.

I am extremely jealous right now. He has porn, AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME!

" And that's not even the strange part. I've been having some of those dark thoughts again ever since I did it," He said.

" Huh. Uhh... Ulysses? You wouldn't mind conjuring me up a magazine, would you?"

" That depends. Playboy, or Penthouse?"

" Um... do you have Hustler?"

He looked startled for a minute, before grinning.

" Testing the waters aren't you?"

" Meh, I've been swimming in them since 2015,"

" Re-Really? Wow, that's surprising. You've been hiding it for that long though? I never would have thought you would be... you know..."

" Oh I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. There is a difference,"

" Riiiiiight. Sure there is," He replied in sarcasm.

" Fuck off, we're getting off topic,"

" Geez, okay. Anyways, here you go," He said, handing me my holy grail after pulling it out from inside his coat.

As soon as the magazine reached my fingertips, A green blast came out of the bushes up ahead, reducing the magazine into ashes. I looked at the pile of soot on the ground, than looked at the bushes, revealing an orange gryphon with an... Arm Cannon? What the absolute fuck? I guess someone's been playing too much Metroid.

" Damn you Minotaurs! What did I tell you about staying away from me?! I don't know who you're talking about and that's final!" He yelled out.

Me and Ulysses looked at each other, unsure of what the hell is conspiring.

" Now taste the fury of my Claw Cannon!" He yelled again, aiming a shaky claw cannon at us.

He then pressed a couple of... somethings on the blue-gray piece of metal before the glow suddenly changed from green to blue. He then proceeded to launch a series of blasts at us as we ran behind some trees. Me taking out my .44's, I started launching off some suppressive fire. One of his shot struck next to my feet turning the area to ice.

" Shit! I'm stuck!" I yelled as I tried to pull my foot out of the ice.

I instead resulted in pulling the ground out with my foot, trying my damnest to shake the ice and dirt off. Unfortunately, that gave the bastard time to launch a missile at the trees me and Ulysses were hiding behind. The explosion rocked the trees, knocking them down. I would have been able to keep my footing if I had my equipment, but I flew instead. I landed behind a flaming tree, wind knocked out of me with ringing ears. Ulysses wasn't faring much better, nursing a wound on his head with some blood dripping from it.

The gryphon fluttered over the tree, standing bipedal next to me with his cannon aimed at me.

" I warned you," He told me, charging his cannon.

Bump, bump

I sat there, unable to move as my eyes started to shut.

Bump, bump

I sat there as time slowed, unsure of what to do.

Bump, Bump

' Get up!' I heard a voice in my head, screaming primal-like.

BUMP, BUMP!

' GET UP!' It howled, half-human half-monster.

My hand shot out, slapping the cannon to the side. The blast hit the ground, causing dirt to splash up around us. I shot my leg up and kicked the gryphon into a tree. I then sprang up to my feet with new found strength, the ringing long gone from my ears. I ran towards him faster than you could say 'buddy, you're fucked' and grabbed him by the chest feathers. I then threw him against another tree, only to have him catch himself mid-air.

' ATTACK!' The voice yelled in my head.

I then felt different. All pain was gone, all of my worries, vanished. My body was pumping with adrenaline. I felt alive. I sprung ahead and made an attempt to tackle him, only for him to nimbly dodge out of the way. What he didn't expect was for me to throw my combat knife at him. The knife wedged itself into his cannons barrel, Eliciting a grunt of pain. Sparks flying out of his now piece of shit, he pulled it off. I then pulled out my 44.'s, only to have them click, signifying their emptiness. Tossing them aside, I cracked my knuckles. I then charged up to him and attempted a left hook, only for him to catch it. My right uppercut went unnoticed until it was to late. As he floated back, he kicked me in the face. Stumbling back for half a second, I narrowly dodged his half-assed punch and sprung upward, my head slamming into his jaw. As he flew back, I leaped. I leaped higher and further than I had ever leaped before. Landing on him made him yell in shock. He fell downward, unable to support my weight.

When we crashed, he kicked me off his chest before I could get up. He then proceeded to slash at me with his claws. Two claw marks were made on my chest before I caught the third claw swipe and broke it through pure pressure. Him now screaming in pain, I almost headbutted him a second time, but he instead swiped my legs out from under me with his tail. Now he was on top of my chest with reddened eyes and heavy breathing. I looked him up and down to asses him for no more then a split second, before shoving him off of my chest with great might. All it took for me in that split second told me what I needed to know. He was scared. Not of me, but fighting in general. I saw what muscle he had, and saw he wasn't much of a fighter. Pinning him down, I thrust my right arm into his gut and held him against the ground.

' Killlll~' The voice practically sang in my head.

' No!' I mentally yelled back,' This ain't me! Who the fuck are you?!'

' None of your concerns! Kill the peon! He is too weak to live!'

' NO! I WILL NOT KILL HIM!'

' KILLLL~!'

' NOOO!'

' Then you are weak~!' It hissed.

I loosened my grip on the gryphon, not realizing I had been choking him. He sat there, trying to catch his breath. Tears were streaming down the poor birds face. What was I doing. This isn't me! I couldn't have done this! I couldn't have...

I may have killed back on earth, but they were the Infected. I looked at it as me removing a curse, freeing their souls. The guards back at the castle were another story. They were nothing more than sport. Me and Ulysses tried to avoid killing them. We hospitalized some, yes, but never killed. This however, was something I'm not used to. Killing someone who had a choice. Someone who didn't obviously want to fight, but did so anyways. I sat on my sore ass, pain coming back to my body. I ignored it the best I could though. Looking up at the gryphons face, I asked him.

" Hey kid, what's your name?"

" I-Ink Sword,"

" Not a bad name. C'mon, I ain't gonna kill you. Get up," I grunted.

He slowly stood up, legs quivering from adrenaline that was most likely overloading his body.

" W-Why?" He asked as he looked at me, tears rolling down his beak-cheeks.

" It just ain't in my nature to kill something that can reason. I've killed for food, and I've killed to free others of their curse, but NEVER, have I ever killed a reasoning being,"

" T-Thank you," He mumbled, looking downward.

" Don't mention it,"

Looking over to Ulysses, I saw that he had passed out. Probably from the head wound.

" Come with me," I bellowed, " We'll need to get that claw of yours checked out"

I then picked up Ulysses and started down the path. And Moon figured it would be best now to pop up out of the bushes and follow. Judging by the fact that Ink Sword didn't react, she's probably invisible right now.

We all just walked in complete silence. All of us probably mentally deciding that this was one of those times where we should remain silent.

[{((O))}]

The walk took a little longer than usual, but we reached the castle. Conveniently enough, one of the bat ponies that recovered more quickly was the team medic, and decided he would help me treat the guards, provided they were getting proper medicine. After dropping Ulysses and Ink Sword off, I found that Ulysses only had a minor concussion, and Ink Sword is still getting checked out. Right now I was on my way to deliver the necklace for Ulysses, when Nightmare came out from literally nowhere.

" Again, I'd like to thank you for earlier,"

" For what?" I asked.

" For helping me get my strength back. I am forever in your debt. No one has ever helped me. I have always been shunned, always seen as the thing that bumps in the night. Over a thousand years ago, I took over a princesses body that shared the same feelings I did. I did it to show my existence, to show how upset I was in being seen as nothing more than 'A bad dream'. Back then I wasn't seeing straight, but now... I can see how wrong it was. Thank you,"

She then phased through the ceiling above us.

So... Nightmare Moon was nothing more than an envious spirit? Hmm... I wonder how Celestia will feel about having her as our mascot?

[{((O))}]

I pushed open the door to Lilies garden. Doing something as much as that was a difficult task. Walking in, I went up to Lily.

" Here, Ulysses is in the medical bay right now, he wanted me to give you this," I said.

Ulysses technically didn't tell me, but he did tell me he had to give it to her.

" Medical bay? This castle has a medical bay?" She asked.

" Well... I did some adjustments to the old servants quarters,"

" Ahh... so, now that your brothers quest is complete, he can stay now,"

" Great. If there's anything else you need don't forget to holler!"

" Will do Cervy~" She pretty much sung.

"grrr..., Okay! See ya round!"

[{((O))}]

Not long after taking care of the delivery, I decided to walk with Ink Sword. Apparently I only sprained his claw from twisting it. So since he was okay to go, I decided to take him for a tour of the castle that wasn't buried in rubble. I stopped by the kitchen to fill up a couple of sacks with food for the prisoners.

" This the kitchen. The store room is just past that door and... well there really is nothing else to say about here. And the door over there leads to the dining room. We usually will eat our food there once there's some actual bustle around this castle,"

I told him as I hoisted the warm sacks over my shoulder and proceeded down the hall.

" Alright, so next stop is the library," I say.

" Here we have books, books, and more books. Unfortunately, we don't have any more books,"

Apparently he didn't get it, and looked at me with confusion.

" *sigh*, Current genres are medical, scientific, and magic,"

We then moved on to the next room, The Barracks.

" And here is The Barracks. Once that claw of yours is fully healed, I'll bring you here for a base assessment on your hand-to-hand combat skills. If you fail the test, I'll give you some proper training till you can fight decently. And if you can fight decently against me, than you could kick quite a few asses. Moving on,"

Afterwards, we went to The Forge.

" Alright, this is The Forge, Or as I like to call it, my workshop. I noticed that Claw Cannon of yours, and I would really need some expertise like yours around here,"

Next location, The Dungeons.

" Down here is The Dungeons. Anyone who's made wrong doings against anyone under our watch is imprisoned here. These bat-pony guards here attacked us a week ago. They may have just done nothing other than follow orders, but they're still learning they're lesson. Not to mention, this ain't like most dungeons. We give the prisoners proper lighting, good food, healthy living arrangements, and even some mild entertainment. We still keep them under an iron grip though, since we don't wanna be to lenient," I said as we finished walking down the stairs.

He was in absolute awe at what he saw. The electric lights kept the place well lit, some of the guards who shared cells were at tables in the cells, playing cards and chatting. Others were exercising on equipment provided to their cells. They even had clean toilets and sinks installed.

" We're actually here just in time to bring them dinner," I said.

I then pulled out the sacks I had been carrying, revealing freshly picked cat-tail and lily pad root that had been roast on a fire, with some dandelion stuffing. The other sack was carrying jugs of water. As we were going down the hall, I took it upon myself to give small talk to the prisoners.

" Hey there Arrow, How's it going?" I said as I slid his food in through the food grate on a plate and filled his bowl with recently boiled water.

" It's pretty good Cervantes," The bat-pony said with a toothy grin and perked ears.

" That's nice to hear," I reply with a small smile.

Next cell up was Silver Sword and Studded Shield. Silver Sword is still a *cough* bitch *cough*, but I can tolerate her. Studded Shield is probably the most mellow chick I've ever met. If it weren't for the fact I kept these guards under close watch, I'd say she was smoking pot. I'm actually surprised she even joined the guard. Now this is just me speaking, but if she were human, I'd marry her in a heart beat.

" Hey Sword, Hi Shield, Hows it hanging?"

" With a rope, you dumb mutt," Sword grumbled with a frown as she turned over on her cot.

" It's just nice down here," Shield said with a smile.

" That's nice to hear," I replied.

As I was handing out food and taking up complaints and requests, I saw Ink Sword smiling. Seems he likes it here already.

By now I had come across the captain. He has been one tough nut to crack. Only a couple of other guards have been with him and his honor. Hell, I'm surprised I've converted this many! Must be the way I've treated them.

" How's your day been Cloud?" I asked.

" Swell, yours?"

" It's been great. I got pissed off at Ulysses and chased him. After that, we got into a fight with this gryphon over here," I said, pointing my thumb at Ink Sword, who visibly deflated as I said that.

" But hey, he's sorry. He didn't know who we were," I said as I ruffled his head feathers.

" And by the way, the offer still stands for you and the others," I reply, trying to change off the subject.

" And the answer stays the same, our loyalties are to Luna," He replied.

The gryphons eyes visibly bugged at that. " Wait, you're from the lunar guard?!"

" Of course I am. All of us are," Cloud replied as he waved his hoof to point around all the cells.

Ink Sword was looking absolutely shocked.

" But that's impossible!" He yelled," You guys are the toughest of the tough! Even Minotaurs have a tough time with you guys, let alone two!"

" Yeah, well, we've gotten soft in my opinion. Remember, there hasn't been an actual war that Equestria was apart of for over 2,000 years. Sure there isn't much crime, that's a real good thing, but that also leaves our guards out of practice,"

Ink, still bug-eyed, continued on with me.

Walking to the center of the room, I decided now would be the best time to clarify something.

" Ahem, Attention everyone. There is something I would like to clarify. I noticed some of you have called me mutt or dog, while others outside the prison have called me minotaur. To clarify that, I am neither," Whew, this has been a peeve that I've wanted to call out, " I am a human! Something you would probably hear about in Mylos Mythology! That is all!" I said, heading back to the doorway. After I had tended to the prisoners, I showed Ink to his room ( It was one of those old guest bedrooms I fixed up). Afterwards, I decided to head to bed early.

Ulysses had showed me a book earlier on this world and it's history. There is Equestria, yes, but there are other lands. The Badlands (A fandom favorite), Which currently has no one ruling it, and at the same time no one wanting to claim it due to it being riddled with Dragons and Changelings. Mylos, the Minotaur state republic. Avalonne, The Gryphon nation. Crystalose, The Diamond Dog grounds which is essentially in constant anarchy. The only true government there are are several packs ruled over by a dictatorship and a shitload of bandits. Across the ocean is a small continent, which would be essentially Australia to this planet, called Zebrica (Another fandom favorite), which has it's Zebra tribes being tended to by some a united council of them all. Pretty much an Oligarchy. And finally, The Crystal empire. Dissipated into existence, and it's secrets long lost (Bullshit. It's only a matter of time till season 4 premiere.).

The minotaurs paint us as saviors in the earliest of history, even as their creators. But as time went on, we became 'corrupt with power' (Not really surprised there. It's human nature.). We started raiding their villages, burning their towns. We were pretty much knocking on the palaces doorstep, when in an act of haste, made a deal with the Great Starswirl The Bearded (That surprised me). They begged him to seal humanity away into a hell of some sort where they could never reach their world again (Must be Earth.). Starswirl agreed, pushing us out of the boundaries of their world, out into some other world where we as a people could spend our solitude. Starswirl had warned that, one day however, those boundaries would break, and our kind would return, for good or bad. At that point I was really shocked. Humans are going to be coming to Equus? This outta be even more of a reason to start up that nation. We agreed that, if we ever did reach that point, It would be the United Republic of Terra.

Taking the day off.

Chapter 8

Taking the day off...

Date: 4/25/1903

Time: Sunrise

Location: Rhode Castle, My Bedroom

Ulysses POV

Yawwwwnnn

I let my legs slip off the bed as I woke up. My heads still aching a pinch, but the doc said it was okay to be out and about so long as I avoid trouble, so I decided to sleep in my room last night. As I stood up, light began to assault my eyes from the window. Ehh, too bright damn it.

I moved over to pull the curtains over, but they fell to the ground at my touch.

'Well hell, that's another thing on the to-do list.'

Moving towards the door so I could make up some grub, I put my hand on the knob and turn. The knob jammed for a moment before giving out under my touch. Huh, might wanna oil it up later.

Walking out into the hall, I let a small smile creep unto my lips. This is the kind of life I've missed, not having to care about being torn apart by Cacti Guys for once. Cervantes' Yeti's have nothing on them. They stand at about same size as people, and their scary as hell. Just imagine a Cactus with fingers, legs, sentience, and the ability to launch needles as fast as a bullet. Pretty scary, especially the sentience part.

Whelp, today's a bright sunshiny day, the birds are singing, and that is an especially nice breeze of wind I'm feeling... oh. Looking down, I find that I entered the hall without clothes. This is actually rather funny.

Turning around to go back in my room, I turn the knob. Ahem, Correction, I attempted to turn the knob. Putting all of my strength into it, the knob wouldn't budge.

" Nngh... C'mon..." I grunted as I tried opening it.

After wasting a minute on that, I back up. Fuck it, here goes nothing. I sped forward and tackled the door.

Thump.

" Ow! Fuck!"

Jesus, what is this door made of?!

Rubbing my arm, I size up the door. The door looks to be... some kind of wood? Fuck if I know, that's probably Cervantes' expertise, and even then I'm not sure he'll know. After a couple more unsuccessful rams, I slid up against the door in frustration. The knob was stuck and I couldn't ram it down... Should I summon a Fire-axe or something? Wait, I could summon shit out of thin air, couldn't I?

Face palming with an irritated groan, I get up and proceed to search around through the void. Hmm... no... I don't need a rubber chicken... where the hell are my clothes? I spent nearly an hour searching, only to find the Holy Grail, 9th Gen Doctor Who, Atlantis, The Smurf Village, and some blue Pega-corn pony taking a bath.

She was minding her own business in there for a minute, cleaning herself.

" Don't forget behind the ears," I commented.

" Wha- Get out you vile ape!" She yelled, throwing a loofah at me.

" Jeez, sooory~! Wrong room!" I yelled back, ears ringing from her scream.

I closed up the portal before things got out of hand. If I'd have known any better, I'd say she was a Dovahkiin with that set of lungs. And why was she mad anyways? Its not like the ponies around here wear clothes anyway...

I eventually gave up. Although... If sound waves and matter could travel across, could I technically teleport? I Imagined the courtyard of the castle, and with marginal success (It was eight feet off the ground), I saw the front door of the castle.

Sticking my hand into the void, I shudder. It's kind of like being at a campfire in the middle of a snowstorm. There's some warmth to it, but a lot of the area in general is freezing. After submerging my entire body through the void, I fall out into the courtyard, landing in the dirt with a fresh load of dust now up my crack. Okay, next up, teleporting to my room.

Opening another portal, I found myself gazing down from above my bed. On the dresser was a fresh set of jeans, White T-Shirt, And my stetson. My steel toe boots were next to the door, and my trench coat was my blanket from last night. We really have a lot of things to get replaced. Leaping through the portal, I land on the bed with a small thump. Next thing I knew, the bed collapsed and left the mattress on the ground.

We really need new shit.

Getting off my pile of shit, scrap, and cloth, I toss on my clothes and head for the door. Turning the knob, I smack my face again as I realize it's still jammed. So instead, to make use of my newly discovered life hacks, I make a portal in the kitchen storage. I just hope some old guy doesn't come around with a ban hammer yelling hacks at the top of their lungs.

When the portal opens up, I spy a gryphon digging through the shelves of salted meats me and Cervantes stocked in there a few days ago. Heheh, I think I'll pay him back for that concussion.

Tip-toeing through the portal, I sneak up behind him. I tap his back twice. As soon as he turned around, there was no mercy.

" Hi! Billy Mayes here with a can of whoop ass!"

" Arrgh!"

He bolted towards the door, trying to escape I see.

" Silly gryphon!" I gleefully yell, " There are no brakes on the rape train!"

I then grabbed him, pulling him away from the door up against the cobbled wall with a loud thump. Small droplets of condensation were beginning to form at the corners of his eyes.

" P-Please don't hurt-" He didn't get to finish as I stuffed his beak with...

...

...

...

...A baked potato. He sat there staring at me in confusion, tears streaming down his face. Finally, he mustered up what to say.

" Bfhwat?!" The gryphon yelled, potato spraying all over the area.

I rubbed some of the potato off of my face, slightly irked with that. He was a wreck at least. To be honest though, he looked like a crying little bitch who just scraped his knee on the sidewalk.

" Don't worry you pussy, I was just having fun. Future reference though, don't screw around with me. That's what you get for giving me a three day headache,"

I let go of him, letting him drop to the floor about as low as his current sanity level. He curled up into a fetal position and let his emotions run loosely. Pfft, pretty weak for a bird of prey.

When I walk out of the room, I bump into Cervantes. Looking up at him, his face is stern and he has his arms crossed.

" Talk. now," He voices sternly.

" Eheheh..." I laughed nervously.

To be honest, Cervantes is more scary then me when he wants to be. If you do something bad, then you get a stern lecture and some chore without pay. And that was for something as simple as lying. If we got into fights at school, well...

I shuddered, not wanting to relive that part of my childhood.

He brings me through the kitchen and into the dining room, which has been repaired to the point of probably being what it used to be like in it's heyday, minus the chandelier. And the moth eaten fabric. And the tarnished silverware.

A seat is pulled out in front of me by some unknown force, which startles me.

" Take a seat,"

Almost unwillingly, I sit in the chair. He sits across the table, stone cold face staring at me. I feel myself crumple as his glare beats down upon me. If looks could kill, I would be alight with the fury of a thousand suns.

" So, care to explain what you did back there?" He asks, solemn face unchanging.

" Scared the man out of him?" I ask, trying to bring light to the situation.

That was unfortunately crushed by his iron grip of darkness.

" You did something childish and stupid. The poor bird's had enough punishment from the ass-whooping he got from me, and he's as sorry as I've ever seen any living being. You are lucky I don't just take your ass out to ponyville, zip your pants down, and spank you in public right now,"

Gulp, He means business. Last time he did that was when I stole a peice of candy from the store. Didn't spank me in public, but it still hurt my pride.

" So what did you do to him?"

" I... scared him,"

" Is that it?"

" ... I also shoved a baked potato into his mouth after slamming him against the wall,"

" ... A... baked potato?"

" Yes,"

" Well, moving from that. What did you do to him in there to send him to the point of crying?"

" It was the baked potato,"

" ... Nevermind. I'll talk to him to get his side of the story. Afterwards, your punishment will be decided. Wait here,"

And so I did as I was told. I fiddled around with the dusty old tablecloth, twirling a torn strand in between my fingers. I was honestly scared of what might go down. We may be older now, and I may have gotten stronger, but he could still beat the crap out of me if he wanted to.

I started leaning back in the chair to get comfortable. Looking out a window, I can see some clouds forming in the distance. Huh, must be some bad weather coming our way.

The door to the kitchen swings open, revealing a skittish looking Ink Sword (With some potato still on his beak), and a lightly smiling Cervantes.

Wasn't he just mad two minutes ago?

... Oh balls.

" So, Ulysses," He begins, " I've come to a decision on your punishment..."

[{((O))}]

I was currently in the courtyard sawing wood to replace some of the stuff in the castle.

" Grab some lumber he said, make some planks he said, It'll be easy he said," I grumbled to myself.

" Hey, quit your bitching! I had to do this on my own to make a bridge you know! And it was with a hand ax!" He yelled from a lawn chair, sipping on some sort of iced tea with a pair of shades on.

Now cutting down some trees wouldn't be a problem, we were surrounded by them, so they wouldn't have to be hauled that big of a distance. Not to mention my chainsaw put itself to good use as well. What the problem was, is that cutting the trees down with the chainsaw attracted a nice family of manticores who decided the could add me to their picnic.

But instead, we got some scorpion tail and lion steak roasting over an open fire. They did know there was a picnic, they just didn't know who was going to be in the basket. Would've been an okay fight, if Cervantes hadn't locked the gates and left me outside to fend for myself. He knew I could do it, he just wanted to rub in the punishment.

So right now I was measuring and cutting wood with several bite and claw wounds. None of the bastards managed to sting me though, thank god, but it still sucks that I have to do this with injuries that Cervantes considers minor.

" And after this, I want you to scrub the prisoners toilets,"

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Cervantes POV

Hah, this is the life. I've got Cervantes to work on my priority chores today. I've needed this. First couple of weeks in Equestria and it's been monsters this or bandits that. It's nice to sit back, relax, and enjoy some nice mint and sheep sorrel tea. I'm generally surprised Equestria has similar vegetation to Ohio. Ahh, sweet Ohio.

While Ulysses is muttering on how shit ain't going his way, I start thinking about things. Ulysses, has super powers, so does that mean I get some?

In all honesty, I hope not. Having to cope with super powers sounds like it would be a bitch. Just imagine wolverine whacking it when someone barges in his room. Not gonna end well. Not to mention this happens in a lot of fanfics, where the human is sent to Equestria and gets super powers, blah blah blah.

Ulysses can so far teleport and break the fourth wall, which he is so far taking strong advantage of to transport trees... why am I not surprised? Hmm... wouldn't I technically be superhuman right now though? I heal at an incredibly fast pace, which is something I've never really done before. I'm stronger than a bull, with what I did to that tree in the courtyard. And I've never really realized it until now, but I duel wield claymores and light machine guns for Christ's sake

Hmm... maybe I could test something out right now.

" Hey Ulysses! Can I see one of those trees for a moment?"

" Be my guest! The more help, the merrier!" He yells, sounding slightly irritated.

Possibly with how lax I've been.

As I look the tree up and down, I take in some factors. The tree seems to be pine, roughly four foot thick body with a length of about... 30, 40 feet could have been the original, but It was cut down to a ten foot piece.

Bending over, I grab a knothole (Sorry woodland critters, sorry Fluttershy, but we need this wood.) and prepare to hoist.

" Whoa man, are you crazy? There's no way in hell you can lift that,"

" Watch me,"

And with that, after a moment of effort, I hoist it over my head. Hes staring at me with his eyes larger than saucers, his gawk big enough to fit about a gallon of water.

Heh, I love euphemisms.

" What the-... You have super powers too?! Awesome!"

He runs over to hug me, but then realizes quickly I'm still holding the log.

" Whoa, sorry. Hey, just curious but... how far do you think you could throw that?" He asks, eyeballing the hunk of pine like it was sweet nectar.

" Let's find out," I say with a grin.

And with that, I whipped the log forward... and it left over the castle wall.

Fuck.

Crash!

Ulysses looks at me slowly with a nervous glint in his eyes.

" It... could be worse? Right?"

" Who dares to catapult wood at us?!" I heard an all familiar princess yell.

" ... Cervy?" Ulysses asks, almost like a child watching his parents argue.

" Yes Uly?" I replied.

" We're in deep shit, aren't we?"

Early Release

Chapter 9

Early release

Date: 4/25/1903

Time: I'd say about an hour til' noon.

Location: Rhode Castle, Courtyard.

Cervantes POV

Me and Ulysses were sitting there, unsure of what the hell to do at this moment. It took me a couple of seconds to come up with a reply.

"By the powers invested in me, we are fucked,"

Ulysses looked at me for a moment, then grinned.

" No, you're fucked. I'm out of here,"

And with that, he opened a portal. Straight to what appears to be the front of a desolate, post apocalyptic Wal-mart.

" Now if you excuse me, I have some shopping to do. I heard that this place has a nice discount on cheese this time of year,"

" Hey, wait!" I started, " Don't leave-" only to have the portal close up in front of me, " Me,"

And just like that, he's gone. I was unfortunate enough to trip over a rock and face plant the ground. I found out what dirt tastes like. I kind of like it though, it tastes so... dirty. Still upset that Ulysses left me behind in the dust with his life hacks. I would have chosen earth over this any day.

Attempting to get up, I Stumbled into more of a crouch, and I scramble to some nearby bushes for cover.

Well, while I wait for them to arrive, I might as well think. Thinking tends to keep me calm. Normally talking would be the answer, but I gotta hide. Where was I two seconds ago before I launched a log at Princess Luna? Oh yeah, super powers. Super strength is my only power? Meh, I suppose it's Okay. I still don't want them though. In most fan-fics the human with powers would normally be super stoked, then they would try and learn how to use them. That's part one to a basic storyline.

If it's a villain, they usually go bat shit crazy and use their powers all over the place, sometimes rather recklessly I might add. Or they hide and build up an army or some shit. Heroes will at first in most fan-fics obviously use their powers for good, saving the Cutie Mark Crusaders or some shit. That's part two.

And finally, the villain gets locked away for a thousand years til' they reach the time period of the elements, or sent to the elements time period to get defeated by the elements. The hero my end up abusing their powers or going through some sort of lesson which teaches them that their powers are important and lovey dovey blah blah blah. You get the picture. In total, everyone is still neck deep in bullshit through the sheer time they spend into their power.

In total, I don't want this. I need this like I need steroids.

...  Well, now that I think about it, I already had these powers before I arrived here. I was already capable of immense strength so... how? Fuck it, I'll think about it another time. Right now, the princess just... oh shit... princesses just flew in. With Royal Guards. Must be for escort through the forest. A couple even looked banged up, possibly courtesy of me though. Celestia is usually adult like and more calm than Luna in most fics, so I should hopefully be okay so long as Celestia can keep the leash in a good hold.

" I will ask again," Luna yelled, " Who catapulted the log towards us?"

" Luna, look around," Celestia hushed to Luna.

They looked around for a minute, spotting the roasting manticore tail. Some of the guards looked somewhat disgusted, others just tried to ignore it. Princesses were unfazed.

" There is no catapult here. Some forest predator in the area could be at fault for it. Judging by the logs size, It would have taken at least four or five unicorns to lift,"

Well balls, that makes it more depressing. Ponies complimenting my strength. Inadvertently, but doing so nevertheless. I don't want super powers damn it!

Slowly rising out of the bush, I find myself staring at their... heh, nice cutie marks. Leaning up against the wall, I pull the brim of my hat down to shade my eyes from the sun and act cool.

" And that predator would be me. Sorry about that by the way," I replied nonchalantly.

They turn around to see me, seven foot two and all. One of the guards reacted immediately and charged, only for me to sidestep. He wasn't able to slow down in time, as he rammed into the wall behind me.

Gong!

Ouch, that must of hurt.

The guard stumbled back, bumbling in a circle. I could practically see birds tweeting around his head when he slumped into the dirt. I picked up a stick from the bush and poked him a couple of times, confirming his unconsciousness.

" Ahem," I heard from behind.

Looking back at the group, I see that the guards and Luna are glaring, and Celestia just seems to be giving a disapproving look. I actually forgot about them in my quest to finally have a poke at someone who was knocked unconscious.

" What? It ain't my fault he made like a bell and rang,"

" We're here about my night guards who came here a couple of weeks ago," Luna said, sounding a tad bit pissed.

" Ah, your guards. Don't you mean the guards? You don't exactly own them,"

" You know what I mean. Show us what you've done with them,"

" Meh, alright. Follow me. It's just about lunch time for them anyways,"

" Very well," Celestia replied.

A couple of guards moved over to their unconscious comrade and lifted him onto their backs. With that, we moved to the doors. I grabbed to big wooden slab and pulled it back. The guards for the most part seemed slightly surprised. Luna and Celestia went unamused however.

" Oh, forgot to mention," I began," A set of rules has been set around here. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, leave them til I'm done laying things down. Any who are caught stealing or vandalizing property will be dealt with in our manner. And that's hauling your ass out back and trading blows. If we find you attempting the especial theft of our technology, then you will face the personal wrath of a nightstick at the back of your skull. I understand you're here on somewhat peaceful terms and hopefully I don't seem that threatening, but I'm just being defensive. And any questions about our technologies will be denied with the exception of basic functions.

Further more, I understand this may have been your castle once upon a time sisters, but everything left behind in the dust here would now be technically considered free reign for scavengers and bandits. Hell, I'm surprised a majority of the castle hadn't been raided yet. So any objects you see within the castle are officially mine now and anyone else who wish to live here with us, help rebuild the castle, the works.

Current residents who plan on staying, and some who pretty much went rogue on you Luna, are: Arrowhead, Ulysses, Studded Shield, Ink Sword, Sterile needle, and I, your host; Cervantes Maxwell Rhode. Arrowhead is a bat pony, or whatever the preferred term for his sub-species is. By all indications with the amount of arrows that landed in my brother, he is exceptionally skilled with the bow. Sterile Needle, the only non-bat on the team, a unicorn, is by far the most stubborn combat medic I have ever met. He's done wonders with the wounded. Studded Shield is also a bat pony, and has so far proved herself as my favorite pony. Her excellent defense was shown with how many rubber rounds she managed to take from Clementine, the big ass hand held cannon on my back. Yes, believe it or not, it's a cannon,"

Some guards were looking rather doubtful about that fact, while others seemed just plain bored. A couple of them were still glaring at me with eyes full of hate. Calling Clementine a... cannon is pretty degrading to her, but there's really no simple way of putting it to a pony. I pulled out a flask and began delving into the sweet nectar known only as Jack Daniel. It's probably one of the only alcohol I could drink that I actually like. Beer, wine, scotch, you name it, I just didn't like it. The only other exception was Irish Mead. It kind of tasted like stale bubblegum, something you'd scrape off the bottom of a work boot, and grass. Probably the actual ingredients too, knowing how the irish like their drinks. Still liked it though, since it's good enough to get me shitfaced. I wonder if Ulysses could fetch me a supply of it sometime...

After taking another swig, I tuck the flask back into my coat and continue.

" Up next is Ink Sword the Gryphon. The bird's kind of weak in my opinion, but I hope I can help him toughen up,"

Hah, fuck that. He put up a fight for an amazing seven minutes... can't say that for the guards. Then again, Ink was using some sort of claw cannon that was an amalgamation of Iron man and Samus from Metroid... I miss that game. But seriously, the fact that he survived seven minutes in an all-out fist fight with me is amazing compared to a bunch of other idiots (mainly drunks) I've fought back on earth. Most don't even last the first minute. And of course I did use a heavy machine gun on the guards, which is the kind that needs mounting by the way... think clean thoughts, think clean thoughts...

" His specialty is tech, although me and Ulysses have that covered. Speaking of which, brings us to my brother. Ulysses and me are human, otherwise known as homo sapien. If you wanna be a dick about it though, we're hairless apes. His specialties are Melee Combat, Comedy, Schizophrenia, and some other ability I can't really identify. Apparently he can cross the trans-dimensional barrier though,"

That caught everyones everyponies attention.

" Impossible! Such a feat cannot simply be accom-" Luna began, but was interrupted by he who is bat shit crazy.

Just like that, two portals opened up to the side, causing heads to swivel in the direction. Ulysses bounded between the two portals singing the most annoying ass song in the world while pushing a shopping cart full of toilet paper, canned goods, seed packets, sleeping bags, and... A cheese model of the statue of liberty? How the fuck did he... you know what? Fuck logic, not gonna question it. Just like he passed through, Ulysses left with the song of hell resonating in the air.

Luna was the first to speak up, " Well... that was interesting, and quite random. He seemed familiar too,"

" And that was unfortunately... sigh... my brother," I commented with a face palm.

" The chaotic energies emanating from him were quite powerful," Celestia stated, " The only other I could say that would rival your brother is... Discord,"

Eesh, that powerful? Discord and my brother meeting... that would be the day the beginning of the end of the universe began.

" Huh, the more you know. He ain't a bad one by the way. A couple of broken windows upstairs, but he's still got a golden heart. Anyways, the final one is, well, me! My specialties are Explosives, Forge Work, Heavy Weapons Combat, Unarmed Combat, Duel-wielding Combat, Basic Plumbing, Basic Electricity, and Genetic Enhancements. No Luna, the whole genetic enhancements thing was not the ability I hid from you. I didn't really notice these things until recently, but my strength, hearing, and healing factor seem to have improved greatly. That about wraps up the current reside- Oh! Almost forgot our favorite! Lily the dragon. We tend to leave her to herself, although if I get bored sometimes I'll have a chat with her. She gives me and everyone else around here odd jobs to keep us busy,"

" So wait, you happen to be living in the same castle as a dragon?" Luna asked, sounding unsure of what she heard.

" Yes?"

" I'm kind of surprised you decided to associate yourself with a dragon. Not many souls are brave enough to do that,"

" I'm not like many souls, am I? Where I'm from, I'm pretty much a veteran. Although there's really no one home to cheer me on, other than the occasional pack of monsters on the street,"

" How so, If I may ask?" Celestia inquired.

" Now that's a question for another time. Preferably when the time feels right. Let's just set your guards loose so I can get you guys out of here,"

" Actually-" Luna was interrupted by a thunder crack from outside.

" We planned on making an extensive visit," Celestia finished.

Balls. Well, I am my fathers child, and I cannot simply leave a stranger knocking at my door out in a storm.

" Sigh, Fine, I suppose we could arrange a couple of rooms for you and your guards. Should have given me fair waring though. Your guards are probably gonna have to sleep in this castle's barracks. I fixed up the place recently, so it isn't a complete shit hole. Even have a plumbing system hooked up. Fresh water for the toilets is pumped in from a nearby stream, waste is dumped out into a furnace. Drinking water is available at faucets in the kitchen, barracks, and servant's quarters, which has been modified into a medical bay. Bathing water is available at the showers at the barracks, or the guest bedrooms. I'm honestly surprised I've gotten that all done in a week and a half, along with fixing up the kitchen, dining room, med. bay, and a few guest bedrooms. Just shows what you can do if you push yourself. Why do you want to stay anyway?"

I asked as we moved into the kitchen, a few guards having stayed outside to... well, guard.

" We have reasons. Reasons that are rather obvious. You're the first member of your species to roam Equis in over 3,000 years,"

I noticed.

" So I wished to meet the ambassador personally,"

" Ambassador?"

" You're species did come in peace, right?"

" Yes, well, sort of,"

" How so?" She asked, entering a serious position.

" Me and my brother didn't exactly come here willingly,"

" As my sister has said what you said to her,"

" Right, but for all we know, we're the last of our kind,"

" Really? Did something happen,"

" Darwin's theory, that's what happened," I replied, not really wanting to relive some images I had witnessed back home.

People had gone either nuts, in similar cases to my brother, got PTSD, or transformed into some sort of beast. Hell, I was close to cracking myself. Of course, there was a saying in the family; Mental Illness doesn't run in the family, it walks up to each of us and slowly get's to know us. There were... certain things I saw that no human should live through.

" Darwin's theory? I'm afraid I don't understand,"

" A great man named Charles Darwin made the theory, that all life sprouted through evolution. Survival of the fittest if you will. Back on earth... let's just say humanities number was up. Something else came along and pushed us aside. It happens,"

" Depressing... so are you and your brother the last?"

" The last? Pfft, I doubt it. Humans are like roaches. We're too stubborn too die out,"

" But you just said that for all you knew, you and your brother were the last,"

" Yeah, I did. Minor error on my part. Anyways, other modifications around the castle include an electric stove-"

" Excuse me," Celestia asked with a raised hoof, " But what is an electric stove? There is the Thaumaturgic Stove, but never has one been powered by lightning,"

" Ahh, well you see, that's human ingenuity. We evolved in an environment without magic, so we learned to adapt. And unlike Equestria here, home was much more violent. All humans couldn't exist without knowing the concept of death. And in spite of all the war, all the spitting, name-calling, diseases, and natural disasters, our homes population is, or was, 6.8 billion humans. Probably no more than a few million left. Hell, maybe even fewer. Anyways, to explain how an electric stove works, I'd have to tell you how humans have come to know electricity,"

" 6.8 billion?! That number is impossible!"

Thank you, I need my hearing checked now because of you.

" Heh, well, humans aren't known for cuddling. Some tend to get freaky,"

This earned me a couple of hearty chuckles from the guards, who were quickly silenced from one of the higher-up guards with a single glare. You know, the kind of glare that says 'shut the fuck up or I will end you,'. It's also known as a death glare.

" I'm serious! You cannot believe the sheer amount of kinks and pornography most humans have! Ever hear of tentacle hentai?"

" Umm... as interesting as a topic this seems, why don't we change the subject," Celestia said, seeming unsettled by where this conversation is going.

" Meh, fine. But if anypony has any questions about humanity in general, lemme know. Now we've been holding this off long enough, so let's go fetch your guards,"

Just out of my curiosity as a self question but, are ponies into inter-species? Meh, wouldn't surprising with all the Gryphons, Minotaurs, Diamond Dogs- Oh shit! We were supposed to pack up for a trip to Denver, Collarado yesterday! Sigh, Life just doesn't always work you way. That's why I have a 'fuck it all' attitude when this happens. For those of you reading, you could agree with me that the Diamond Dog republic state and city names are probably the most genius puns I've heard in ages. Right next to Mylos' capital, which is Moscow. Urgh, the puns are unbearable. The republic state is on the border of the Everfree, which as it turns out, unofficially counts as it's own land since no one want's anything to do with it. Would that mean that Twilight and company have illegally immigrated on several occasions? Just a thought.

I wonder how well the borders have been managed as well. Yeesh, let's hope 'A Dog and Pony Show' isn't canon to this universe. If it is though, that might mean that everything else is canon. I'd really like to be in Canterlot around season two finale and smash some changeling ass. And not in the sexual way. Seriously, it's like I'm surrounded by perverts... Oh wait, I'm one of them.

We stopped by the kitchen for a moment as I picked up a variety of food. As it turns out, some ponies do in fact eat meat. Unicorns are the only true Vegans, seeing as how it's considered 'barbaric' in their society. Pegasi tend to only occasionally eat fish, Bat ponies are full blown omnivores, some as much of a meat eater as an American, which explains societies view on them as blood sucking maniacs, and earth ponies will occasionally eat pork and chicken. Kind of explains the pigs on sweet apple acres now that you think about it... but why did the Mane six react so harshly to me being a meat-eater then? I'd have to ask them sometime. Same with Ditzy and those guards.

Learning these facts from the guards in the dungeon made me the happiest man alive. No one is restricting me from having my god damned bacon! Gonna suck not having a cow steak though, seeing as how they are intelligent. Fucking logic... might as well make sentient monkeys... Oh that's right, me and Ulysses are filling that position.

So I grabbed some of the salted venison from the storage and tossed it on the stove.

" Why did you bother to salt that meat?" Celestia asked.

" Uhh, to keep it preserved? Why else?"

" You do realize that the storage room has runes on it designed specifically for that purpose, right?"

Ohhh, so that's what those runes were for? Don't I feel like a dumb ass. Face palming, I muttered some not so nice things under my breath.

" Well, I do now. Keep in mind that humans have never had magic, so we made due with technology. Had special machines which we could use that would cool food to the point of preservation,"

" Really? How?"

" Fuck if I know for sure, otherwise I wouldn't be smoking and salting meats. I'm just a demolitionist, you know? Make things go boom? I know how to smoke and salt because my dad taught me. Plumbing and electricity I learned from experience because it was cheaper to repair something yourself. Never got around learning how to can though..."

" Can?"

" Yeah. Humans can take certain foods and store them in metal canisters for extended periods of time. Like, over a couple hundred years theoretically. Stuff like ham, corn, okra, spinach, spaghetti, you name it, you could can it. Hell, they even figured out how to can milk. A human can can just about everything into a can if they can,"

My choice of words seems to leave her confused for a moment, but she just brushes it off.

" You know Celestia, for being a monarch and all, you're a bit more social than I expected,"

She chuckled at that for a moment.

" Things tend to get boring at the castle. All I get these days is whiny nobles and passing laws, so when Luna found a new species at first in the dreamscape, it piqued my interest. And when you overpowered her Night Guard, that got my full attention. I'm rather curious about your reason here. There hasn't been a human on Equis for ages," She asked me, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

" Meh, I never really chose to come here. I was actually drowning before I came to your world, so I'm sure as hell happy my skin was saved,"

" I'm sorry if I just don't trust you, but... An ancient species symbolized in stories as an evil monster just popped up on my nations doorstep. Forgive me if I'm a little cautious,"

Rulers of Equestria cautious of human. Not a first in fanfiction. I just hope it doesn't get to the point of paranoia.

" Understandable. I just hope we can at least be friendly,"

" Great, so... what do you plan on doing while you stay here on Equis?"

" Aside from fixing this castle? I don't know... maybe start up a group out here? Me and my brother want to do a couple of things, but we're still working on the details. Right now our main concern is making this castle and it's inhabitants self-sufficient. After that, we could do what we wanted I suppose. Now admittedly, some of these sound farfetched, but we'd settle for second best. We heard about a war that's been going on between the north and the western isles, and some of us around the castle are no strangers to action, so we could sell out our services to one of either side. Most likely Gryphons, seeing that the Minotaurs hate humanities guts.

Then there's settling an actual town out here. I honestly don't see anything wrong with Everfree, aside from predators. May be creepy to most ponies, but it's rather nice weather out here,"

" Nice weather?"

" Yeah, because it's free weather. Back home, no one controlled it. Nature is allowed to be free here, so that's what makes it nice,"

" That's because the Everfree is a thaumaturgical dumping ground. All excess from weather teams, unicorn magic, and runes leads here. Nopony normally stays here for extended periods of time. Magic does dissipate into the soil overtime, but magical advancements and more frequent usage of it has led to build up. Since the magical residue was making tasks such as weather control and simple spell casting a chore. So special crystals were place deep in the heart of the Everfree to lure the residue from the rest of Equis. Our choice had led to unexpected results however,"

So she's... Polluting? Damn, not quite what I expected

As we continued our conversation about humanity, magic, and other unimportant nonsense, I finished up the last plate of boar-kchops with a side of simmered cat tail stalk slices coated in cheese. Cat tail can be treated as many things throughout the year. Early to mid spring the fresh stalks can be plucked and shaved to a white core. From there you can eat it raw or serve it up as an asparagus substitute. You think I'm making this shit up? Go read Peterson's Field Guide to Edible Wild Plants at your local library if you can find it. Probably difficult though, since it was published around 1974 (Earth Time) and didn't get many people interested. This shit is growing around the river like a weed where that serpent roams around. He thinks their just ugly pond grass, so the poor sucker even pays me for 'lawn duty'. He doesn't pay me in regular bits though, he pays me with gems he finds on the riverbed. It's actually helped feed the emergency treasury a bit. I get a bit of extra pay if I bring flowers to spruce up his stream. Pay isn't the best seeing as how gems are pretty common, but hey, lawn work is a good first job for an Illegal Immigrant.

I then take the last plate and load it onto a cart and begin to exit the kitchen. The aroma has obviously gotten some of the ponies to drool, and even Luna seems to have a mouthwatering want for it.

" I suppose this is lunch?" Luna asks, ready to take a plate almost immediately.

" For the prisoners of course,"

" The prisoners? Why would you give such a delectable dish to your own prisoners?"

" I may be one hell of a fighter, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't get a nicely cooked meal. The meals they get are about a pinch less better than the food I'd actually cook. I've had to take care of my brothers and sister ever since mom died, so that meant I'd have to learn how to cook something besides ramen noodles or burritos."

" If I may ask, what is a burrito?"

Holy fuck, I could introduce the cuisine of the gods to these poor ponies. I shall be their glorious savior as a shining light in darkness by introducing them to mexican food. It'd also be funny to see them react to getting gas. Oh man, imagine what middle eastern food would do to them. First time I had Afghanistanian food my shit smelled funny for a whole week. And my piss smelled like bacon. Still does actually... I don't think that's the food actually.

" Well, if I can get the ingredients I'd make it for you. That would take some time though,"

Anyways, we eventually come across the dungeon doors, and I see Luna's mood has shifted to somewhat pissed.

" My Night Guards are in there?" She asked as her teeth gritted.

" Oh I can assure you the conditions have improved since the last time you ponies probably used them,"

" Let's hope so, or you'll end up on my shit-list,"

Whoa! Luna just cursed?! The more I hang around these ponies the more I notice that they're nothing like on the show. And I like it!

" Alright, sheesh. Ladies first,"

I then held the door open and beckoned them inside.

" It would be best if you led," Luna said.

Sheesh, untrustworthy are we? I step in first and begin to lead them inside. The electric lanterns on the wall showing that the generator is still running.

The ponies just stare at the lanterns, dumbstruck.

" H-how?" One of the guards asked.

" Electricity. While pony tech is based mainly on magic, we've learned how to cope in an environment without it. So we figured out how to run electricity through- Oops, almost told you the secret! That stuffs staying with me until I see Equestria and it's neighboring nations are mature enough. Crystalose is a hell no, although they wouldn't technically even count as a nation with all their disorder and anarchy. Mylos is a no, their obviously religious nuts in my opinion, and these things coming from a human could very well be a sign of the devil to them for all I know. I've studied up on Equestria and it's neighboring nations by the way. Avalonne would also be a hell no, seeing as their currently at war with Mylos. Both of those nations remind me of the 14th century feudalistic nations of Europe, and that was not pretty.

Zebrica is O.K. for use, however most of them couldn't use it if they wanted to with the exception of a couple of major cities, seeing as how most tribes are in grass huts. You guys are O.K. as well, hell, it could open up new job options in all of the nations in short term. Agricultural advances being spread would probably put a majority of farms out of business, so that's a no, no matter how much you beg. I'm not putting farmers out of jobs, and that's final. Everyone seems to be able to operate fine without it though. And as far as I can tell, Equestria is only slightly behind Earth in medical technologies, so the only suggestion in that field is legalize marijuana,"

" What? Legalize herb? Why? It decreases IQ and causes memory loss," Celestia stated, seemingly confused by my suggestion.

" Wrong. Marijuana actually doesn't do that. Same thing happened on Earth. What happened was the tobacco companies bribed some science officials to state that marijuana was bad, which led to marijuana being illegalized. About five decades later and they're up to their asses in lawsuits. As it turns out, marijuana kills cancer cells. It also help patients with fibro myalgea, arthritis, and even helps with seizure prone patients in some cases, whereas tobacco helps cause cancer, blackens your lungs, destroys skin, and yellows your teeth. Sometimes permanantly. And they even added a checmical to make it addictive. This was all proved true globally in 2017, Earth time. Took til 2019 to nationally legalize it, and many other nations followed and legalized it in the next couple of years. So if pony biology is any similar to human biology when it comes to medicine, I'd suggest looking into it. This is actually the only advancement that I would probably help Equestria or it's neighbors for quite some time. Yes it does in fact hinder the brain, but only temporarily. The people who took those IQ tests were probably high out of their mind, or really stupid to begin with,"

Judging by where we are in the stairwell, I'd say we were almost there. I know this because I leave distance markers on the wall to let me know how far in I am. The ponies in general seemed surprised by my argument. Celestia eventually opened her mouth.

" Okay, I understand your species is a little advanced," She began, " And judging by these lights that surround us, I'll take your word for it. I'll have a research team set up in Canterlot labs when I get back,"

A little? Bitch, humans unlocked the secrets of the sun and weaponized it. It's called a nuclear missile. We also turned it into a limitless power source, via solar panel. We went to another planet, Mars specifically, claimed it, and breathed new life into it despite being dead for millions of years. We turned on it's core! As it turns out, life did exist there once upon a time, although it didn't go past small ferns, grasses, and small insects on land. The place was teeming with forests last I checked on TV. And that was two days before shit hit the fan.

We discovered the answer to the fuel crisis. Well, Russia found it, but still. 'The war against terrorism' had finally stopped in 2031 when that great hunk of land Isis had control of in the middle-east was bombed to shit, leaving it as nothing more than a scar visible from space. Some of the indentations in the earth were so deep from the bombing, that rain water and seawater collected and made brackish swamps, completely changing the middle-east. That all together prevented future terrorists wanting to take control, seeing that we meant business.

However, my lips were kept sealed about all this. They didn't need to know too much about earth. Just that Earth rules and Equis drools. I may be a fan of MLP:FIM, but I wasn't being an absolutely sworn loyalist to it, constantly adoring it, talking about it and trying to convert people.

... O.K., that's a slight lie. I did convert one person. Dad. His favorite pony out of them all was Fluttershy. Can you Imagine a 40 year old, buff as can be construction worker, at seven foot... ten inches I think? Haven't seen him for 20 years, so my memory is a little hazy. Can you imagine him walking to a construction site with a picture of Fluttershy velcro patch on his work shirt? He told me about his workers reactions. A lot of them seemed startled, even teasing him afterwards, but kept moving on. One of them turned out to be a brony as well. Small world I guess.

Anyway, aside from my ramblings about home, I find that we've arrived at our destination. And I've had to carry a fucking dinner cart down a nearly 30 story stairwell... very logical. How does air even get transferred here anyways? Must be runes I guess.

" Congratulations everypony, as it turns out, your getting an early release! As soon as all of you finish your lunch, you'll be permitted to leave. Those of you who wish to stay at the fort, you know who you are, and you will most likely have to turn in your uniforms as well. On the bright side, you'll get some new equipment, which will in fact explain to those of you who wish to stay, why I was making measurements yesterday. You will also have a handful of bits to start you off around here as well as some basic weapons based off of human weaponry. I will personally teach you how to use them. Especially you Stitches. You may be a medic, but you're still getting good weapons and armor,"

" My name is Sterile Needle you moron," I heard the pony in question groan from a cell.

The guy is only down here because everyone was okay enough for going around on their own. Not like they could go anywhere anyways.

" So, let's get you all to dig in!" I yelled.

I then passed out the plates to each cell individually. The royal guards and the princesses got a good look at the bat ponies who were enjoying games of cards, laughing, and having conversations like regular people. Luna did seem quite happy her guards were treated more than well, but was obviously confused about something else.

" What's the matter Luna? Something eating you?" I ask, handing a plate to Cloud Nine.

" A couple of things actually. You don't seem to fear me and my sister for one. Even casually calling us by name rather than adding the title of princess. Why's that?"

" A bit of this, a bit of that. I treat everyone equally despite position. I also tend to kick the rear of anyone who abuses power in high positions by making people bow to them. You and your sister are different from what I can tell, so we aren't gonna get up in arms against each other any time soon,"

" Interesting... and another reason. Why do you treat prisoners so well? It would not get the point of punishment across to them,"

" Hmm... you have a good point there. We're treating them nicely because they weren't really doing much bad. They were trying to attack me and my brother, but they were ordered to do so. They were just doing their job. Speaking of which, you could have set up a schedule rather than short notice assault,"

" Thank you for the explanation. As for the guards, you simply boasted that you we're better than the night guard, so I sent them immediately to see how well you could truly do, especially when rushed. Not only did you succeed in defeating them, but you did so without deaths, and even captured them. I'm not happy that you even fooled a couple of them into staying here with you, but that proves you could even turn the tides towards yourself with just words. I'll miss those guards, but I can't control them,"

" Wow, I like you even more. After I'm done feeding these guards, I'll set 'em free and get everyone set up in the dining room,"

" Great. So what will we be having for lunch?"

" An earth cuisine, specifically from a country known as Mexico. It's going to be a four cheese Quesadila with chopped Onion, Garlic, Jalapeno pepper, and chopped hard boiled egg. It will also have a small sauce bowl of sour cream to dip your Quesadila into,"

" Sound rather good, aside from the chopped hard boiled egg. I'm certain everyone will enjoy it,"

It will be good. It was one of the first recipes I had ever learned. I may hunt, be able to lift enough weight to tumble a tree, and get into fistfights with just about everything that moves the wrong way, but I make cooking an art. That, and blowing shit up... and smithing... and my acoustic guitar. What can I say? I'm a Jack of Trades.

After waiting for what seemed like forever, everyone cleaned their plates and suited up in armor. As it turns out, the guards were wearing some kind of magical dye. A uniform thing I guess. I'm talking about this because Luna's currently cleaning it out of my new 'recruits'. Their still bat ponies as my theory proves, but their different. Arrow Head has a chestnut coat and copper mane/tail. Studded Shield takes on a reddish gray coat and a silver mane/tail. And finally Sterile Needle. The doc has a great white coat that would match Celestia's, and a blood red mane/tail with a sickly green highlight. Seems as though their manes are different haircuts now, when they didn't have much of a mane to begin with. Must be another uniform thing.

Arrow Head happens to bumble next to me.

" What now?" He asks.

" We head down to my workshop. I've got some proto-type armor there. Or just regular clothes, your choice. Still working on what would be a good uniform around here. I've got a nice bow with your name on it waiting there too,"

He brightens at 'bow' quite visibly.

" A new bow? The old one I had was... excuse my language, but it was a pile of horse apples,"

" Oh you'll love it. It's got a mix of earth technology in it,"

" What are we getting?" Studded Shield asked, motioning between herself and Sterile Needle.

" You my dear, will be getting a unique set of armor and a new sword. As for the doc, he'll be getting a custom set of medic armour along with a nice knife,"

" I'm waiting with bated breath," Needle said sarcastically.

" Oh you should be. It's a major piece of work in my opinion. Everyone's going to be getting their own set of custom armor. Still thinking of a design for Ink Sword, god knows he'll need it,"

" Okay, and after we get our armor?" Arrow asked again.

" Well, I'll have to serve our guests, so I suppose you guys have some free time. Although I'd like to see how you'd handle in hand-to-hand combat later, and I'll probably have to teach you guys how to operate your armor and weapons, and how to properly clean and repair the components. That mainly goes for your new bow Arrow,"

" It's just a bow and a set of armor. How could it be complex enough to need being taught how to use it?"

" Heh, you'll see in a minute. Celestia, Luna, follow me if you want a preview on basic combat armor from earth,"

They nodded, and the group followed me to the Armory.

As soon as we enter, everypony seems astonished by whats in the corner. The armor.

" Alrght, now the white suit with the red cross is yours-" I spoke, finding that Needle was already trying to put his suit on.

" -Sterile. I see you like it already,"

" It's great! Who would have though of putting the med kit right on the side? It's not burdening to the mouth, and easy to reach!"

" Alright, jeez! Now be careful though, I haven't even explained functions yet! Now let me show you how to put it on properly,"

Aside from LED's in the red crosses on the shoulder pads for giving it that special glow, I had mic's hooked up in the headsets of all three sets of armor. I got the mic's from Game stop (they were the kind for XBOX live. I don't even know what they were doing in my supply bags.), and set up a two way radio. This was last minute actually, right before I went to the kitchen. Actually haven't even had a chance to test 'em.

After adjusting the helmet onto Sterile's head, I turn the radio on, praying to god it works.

" Okay, so I wanted a little more added to the suit, but there's only do much I've been able to do for the past couple of weeks. Just let me see if the long range communicators are working,"

" Long range... communication?"

" They're special devices in the helmet that permit people to talk to each other from distances as long as a couple miles as if they were in the same room,"

" A simpler way would be mail, wouldn't it?"

" That would be okay, but this is instant communication. If I'd have to guess, you could only really send a letter with magic, right?"

" Right. Something instant like this would be a major improvement to technology. Does it have to be in a helmet?"

" Technically not. We're getting off topic though. Other basic utilities include waist med kit, Serated combat knife, which would probably pretty big for a knife to you ponies, and I wanted to add an HUD system, but I don't have the time and materials here,"

" What does HUD stand for?"

" Heads Up Display. It can be used to place or make map markers so it's easier to follow an objective, Thermal vision for detecting camouflaged opponents, Night vision for... night vision, detect organisms within a radius, and measure self vital signs. Probably more that I can't think of right now,"

At most I could only set up the radio communicators. I'm sure as hell not gonna risk a head blowing off from an attempt at installing a targeting system.

" Fascinating, and all this is hooked up to the helmet,"

" Just the communicator. Now give me a minute to see if this thing is working,"

Sliding the helmet and suit onto Sterile Needle, who's currently grinning like an idiot, I turn his helmet on. I pick up the mic that was meant to stick under my hat and spoke into it.

" Testing, one two three,"

" It's like your in my head!" Sterile needle yelled, looking startled.

" That's... kind of the point. Now let's get Shield and Arrow suited up..."

[{((O))}]

After the others got suited up, I made my way to the dining hall to pretty much feed an army. Three fourths of that army is my stomach, the other fourth is the guests. Down the hall in front of the kitchen, I see Ulysses drop into the hall through a tear in space. A shopping cart full of goods followed, landing directly on top of him. Grumbling something, he gets up and looks at me with a smile. His smile dropped as soon as he eyed Luna. And Luna was apparently having the same reaction. Times ten.

" Oh shit!" I heard Ulysses yell as he tried to run down the hall.

" Get back here shower defiler!"

I face palmed as Luna bolted down the hall like a bullet and tackled Ulysses to the ground.

"Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a normal thing?" I mumbled into my palm as Celestia, a couple of guards, and studded shield moved down the hall to separate the two.

Dinner

(Fair Warning!: For those of you who thinks this is familiar, it is. It's just a re-edit of the old chapter, but with an alternate path being taken to it. Also, you better be happy for over 10,000 words.)

Chapter 10

Dinner.

Date: 4/25/1903

Time: Evening

Location: Rhode Castle, Dining room

Arrow Head POV

This is cool. I couldn't stop twiddling with my sword. It was made out of steel, and was incredibly sharp. It's heft almost made it feel like it belonged in my jaw. The strange stick that Cervantes handed me didn't even resemble a bow though. I can't even figure out how the damn thing works. The armor is a dark maroon with my cutie mark on the flank plates, and some sort of green glass face cover. Why the human thought it was smart to use glass was beyond me, but maybe it was enchanted to not break? Who knows. Anyways, my former princess (Still upset about being ordered to capture 'bandits') was grimacing while Ulysses had a bag of ice on his head.

Studded Shield was sitting in between the both of them, while the doc was giving Ulysses a lecture about something. Cervantes seemed to be showing some form of human annoyance. Oddly enough, it looked similar to a facehoof. Well, time to suck up to my new superior.

" Is everything alright sir?"

" Yeah, just fine," He grunted, removing his hand from his face.

This was the first time I managed to get a good look at the human, and wow, not exactly what you'd call the most handsome. I'd seen him in the dungeon before, but he always had a bit of a silhouette. His face was well-tanned, had a short but yet thick and shaggy brown mane, what looked to be lightly shaved fur on his face as well, and very small blue eyes. I wonder how he manages to get around with such small eyes? The other human was relatively the same, but his eyes were brown instead of blue, and his face was clean of fur. Both of them had a build that would make most minotauri green with envy, towering over even Celestia. I wonder if all humans are built like this?

" 'Scuse me sir, but what are humans like?"

" Humans? Well shit, umm... how about we wait until everyone is ready? I want to be able to get all the information about humans and our world in one session. A session that a certain unicorn I know might enjoy-"

Whump!

Our heads moved towards Ulysses, who was apparently unconscious.

" What happened?" Cervantes asked, looking at his brother with concern.

" Dunno," Studded replied," Just passed right out,"

" Big oaf probably just got bored with my lecture," Sterile mumbled, poking him to wake him up.

" C'mon beautiful, wake up,"

Poke, poke.

" Wakey wakey,"

Poke, poke.

" Rise and shine!"

Poke, poke.

" Oi! Wake up you bucking moron!"

Slap!

The noise of the back of Steriles leathery wing meeting face resounded through the dining hall. I cringed, wondering what Cervantes would do. He looked at the doc with a deadpan face, then started smiling.

" I approve of your methods," He said, raising the uhh... what would a minotaur call it? A... thumb? I think that's it.

Ulysses still laid there unconscious though. He almost looked dead, if it weren't for his finger twitching a moment after the slap.

" Is your brother like this when he sleeps?" Doc asked.

" No, and that's what's concerning me,"

The doc looked the unconscious human up and down, and proceeded the check vitals.

" Apparently, your brother is suffering from Mana Exhaustion. Was he taking part in any strenuous magic related activities recently?"

" Umm... he's been opening portals from place to place frequently,"

" How frequent?"

" I'd say... about thirty times a day? I wouldn't know for sure, it's not like I hold his hand to where ever he goes,"

" And is your brother an expert at doing such a thing?"

" No,"

" Has he ever used magic before?"

" ...No,"

Sterile looked at Cervantes for a minute, before motioning to Studded Shield and me.

" You two, help me lift this idiot to the infirmary. As for you Cervantes, I want to know as much as you know about your brothers medical history,"

" Buck. Ah well, let's just... nngh... pick up... urrgh... sweet Faust, what are you feeding this guy?" Studded groaned under Ulysses' weight.

" Uhh... do you guys need help?" Cervantes offered.

" We... urrg... got it," I sputtered.

What has this guy been eating?! It's like he eats anvils for breakfast, elephants for lunch, and trees for dinner!

" Okay... are you sure?"

" We're... fine?" I replied.

It feels like a great weight has been lifted... and one has been lifted. Holy buck, he's holding his brother over one shoulder?! This guy has to be some sort of powerhouse to lift that much weight.

As we start up a trotting pace towards the infirmary, I notice a couple more things. This hallway looks cleaner. Did Cervantes hire somepony to help clean? This castle would be too big for a one pony job, but there's no more dust, a majority of webs are gone, and the hall has a bit more of a... lighter feel to it. A majority of this castle feels much calmer, as if all spirits were put to peace.

" Cervantes," Luna piped up, " Did you happen to do all this?"

He looks hesitant...

" ... Some of it. The rest was done by a friend,"

" Who happens to be this friend?"

" ... A friend,"

" Yes, we get that part, but who?"

" I'll let her introduce herself when she feels like it. She's a bit shy,"

" Well alright, but what's her name at least,"

" ..."

" Cervantes?"

" Hmm? Sorry, just thinking. To be honest, I don't know much about her myself,"

" And yet your friends? Interesting,"

" Yeah, well I guess we just clicked as friends. I helped her out with an issue she had, and now she just sticks around really,"

" Interesting..." She says again.

Luna seems to be looking at Cervantes with doubt though. I wonder why...

" You seem to keep plenty of secrets though. Why?"

" Well for example..." He began.

He then moved over to the wall to our right and began to feel around on it. As soon as his hand ran over a specific brick, he... pushed it in? This castle isn't as sound as it seems now- Woah! The brick wall had pushed in and slid over, revealing a tunnel. There was a passage behind the wall?!

" Impressive, you found one of our secret passages. But what does this have to do with keeping secrets?"

" Many reasons. Sometimes you keep secrets, even if it means being seen as the one in the wrong by one side, just to keep yourself and those around you safe. I keep secrets because the last time I told a secret, I got put on medicine that fucked my head up. I keep secrets because I fear that if I don't keep them, others would simply not understand and just write me off as 'screwy'. Last time I told a secret, I was pointed at, shunned, and abused. People were telling me 'I just wanted to be the center of attention'. So hopefully you can understand why I keep secrets,"

" Okay... but why were you called 'screwy'?"

" ... I'm sorry but if I told you, you'd know one of my secrets,"

" Sigh, Guess I couldn't exactly force you. How did you know about the passage anyways?"

" I bumped into it on accident one night when I was... uhh... let's just say I drank a bit,"

" You have alcohol on the premises?" Celestia asked.

" Meh, nothing beyond whiskey and cheap beer. I've been experimenting a little bit in my workshop, but uhh... let's just say I have easy access to fruit based explosives now,"

" Fruit?"

" It was... a very bad attempt at making alcohol. If you see me tossing explosives in the future, don't mind the scent of blue berries mixing in with the char of whatever falls victim to them,"

" Urmm... okay?"

The walk through the tunnel was generally quiet, save for the steps of our hooves. Well, feet in Cervantes' case. A lot of the darkness was unnerving, but at least Cervantes had a 'flash-light' as he had called it.

Eventually, we came across a wall, and Cervantes pushed another brick in, revealing we had arrived at the makeshift medical center.

" Place him on that bed over there," Sterile ordered, pointing to a bed relatively close to a hill of crates with red crosses on them.

After Cervantes put him down on the bed, Sterile had popped open one of the crates to reveal medicine of all kinds.

" Mr. Rhode, did you happen to label the crates specifically?" Sterile questioned.

Cervantes started rubbing the back of his neck and looked sheepish. Looks rather similar to a pony when...

" Eheheh... this is going to take a while," He chuckled nervously

... they've made a mistake and don't like to admit it. Humans are easier to read then I thought. Rather similar to ponies.

As they shuffled through the medicine, I trotted over to one of the windows. Rain was pattering down on the glass, and the occasional bolt of lightning would pop up. Everfree weather is unsettling, but if those humans can live out here, so can I. I wonder how everypony will survive in the winter actually. But if those humans have a way, then we might as well take that way. I just wonder about the hydras in the forest. Manticores and timberwolves you can get rid of easily with enough work, but hydras would be a hopeless cause to defend against.

So I sit here... looking at how gloomy of a day it is...

...

...

...

...

...

" Oi, wake up!" I heard, startling me enough to make me spring from where I laid.

Bad move. When I sprung up, I crashed into something tall behind me. I look up to find myself in Cervantes arms.

" Hehehe... I just met you man. Let's wait til the first date at least, okay?"

I was then unceremoniously dropped onto the ground.

" Musta passed out," I mumbled.

" Alright, now that Ulysses is okay-"

Grrruuuumble.

"- Anyone want some food?"

Now that he mentioned it, we were all a bit hungry. I understand I just ate, but I'm still hungry. My mothers said I got that from my dad.

" Finally, some food!" Luna yelled.

" To the dining hall!" I yelled, going ahead of everyone...

... Only to realize I don't know the layout of the castle.

" Uhh... could you lead?" I asked Cervantes.

" Of course, follow me everypony,"

[{((O))}]

Cervantes POV

I led everypony to the dining room, turned on the power, and even pulled out chairs for the princesses. After all that, I went to my workspace. Pulling out ingredients, I began preparing to make Quesadilla. One problem was... I needed more people to help me cook. Popping my head out the door, I give out a whistle.

" Hey, Stud, Arrow, Stitches, gimme a hoof in here will ya? I can't cook by myself for all these guests,"

" It's Sterile, and I can't cook to save my life, so you'd be better off with those two,"

" You can still help though,"

" How?"

" You can help by following some specific orders I have,"

" Urrg, fine,"

Lining everyone up, I wave over to the ingredients.

" Okay, our ingredients are going to be used to make Quesadillas! Now I want you to follow the recipe by the dot if you can. If not, there are written recipes over your stations. Begin by lightly buttering one side of the flat bread. Sprinkle that with garlic salt, and place that side on your skillet. Then begin to sprinkle the shredded cheese on one half of the Quesadilla. You all have other ingredients such as diced Onion, Garlic, Jalapeno pepper, and chopped hard boiled egg. Sprinkle a bit of each onto the side with cheese as well. Fold the Quesadilla in half and wait about one minute for each side to cook, or until golden brown on each side. Cooking twenty-four Quesadillas should take about six or seven minutes amongst us, so let's hurry up and get twenty-four watering mouths fed!" I yelled.

" And Doc Stitches? Since you can't cook, I'll need you to scoop some sour cream onto these plates so they can dip the Quesadilla into it. After that, I'll need your help with handing out plates,"

" Why am I even helping? And don't call me Stitches! Stitches was my father! And he was a tailor!"

" You're helping because we're short-hoofed on staff at the moment. When more ponies come to the castle, you won't have to worry about it. Until then though, quit your bitching and shut the fuck up,"

" Grrr..."

Got the doc mad: +5 points.

" Y'know, if you don't like me, then why the hell are you staying?"

" Because all of you idiots are out here on your own, and I can't just leave you out here to rot with your wounds,"

" I'm... legitimately touched. I guess I've been a pinch harsh. Are you sure there isn't anything else bothering you?," I replied, turning on the stoves to prepare food.

" Yes!" He barked.

" Alright! Touchy touchy,"

As I spread butter on the flat bread, a thought pops to mind.

" Oh by the way guys, seeing as how we're short-hoofed at the moment, I was wondering if you guys would like to either stay here or come with me to Trottingham. Just to see if anyone wants to move in with us?"

" Hahahah. You really expect anypony to move out here to the Everfree?" Sterile said.

" Hmm... I see. We need to at least build some gardens inside the walls. I know we're getting plenty of food and water from Hunting, Fishing, and Scavenging, but we can't depend solely on nature.

We need some muscle to help pull the stumps outside the castle wall so we can build and plow. First we'll need some help building a wall around the castle. That means we'll also need people working at quarries. When that's done, we'll build some homes for anyone who doesn't want a nice room in the castle. Wouldn't blame them.

Pass that point, we just need some one to plow the the fields and some plumbers. Right now, we'll be without electricity, but once Ulysses gets his strength back, we've got generators to set up. Then there's the problem of convincing people to come out here like you said. Any ideas?"

" Don't set up a town in the middle of a monster ridden, overgrown, untameable wilderness?" Arrow suggested.

" ...You're good. No, I like this place because we already have a castle at our disposal. With the forge, armory, and treasury, we're okay here. Actually, I was wondering if non-pony residents would be okay,"

" Like gryphons?" Shield asked.

" Welll... anything in general. Hell, diamond dogs are a nice candidate,"

" Diamond dogs? Pfft, you're joking right?" Sterile commented.

" Does a bear shit in the woods?"

" ... You're serious? How stupid are you?"

" Meh, not exactly a grade A student. My teachers could attest to that. What's wrong with diamond dogs anyways? Not all of em are bad,"

" Name at least ten who aren't greedy, violent, flea-bitten mongrels," Sterile pointed out.

I raise my hand for a moment with my index finger pointed up before sighing in defeat.

" ... Point. But it doesn't mean that they can't get a second chance here. Tell you what; Ulysses knows a couple of dogs who might join us. If they don't seem good to you, then we'll consider it. Not letting minotaurs in, that's a given. Unless they're not superstitious, then they're okay in my book,"

" Why?" Arrow asked.

" Look up Mylosian Mythos. You'll find out why," I replied.

Flopping my final load of Quesadillas onto the plate, I shut the oven off. Looking around myself, I see we've made all the Quesadillas needed. One or two were a tad bit burnt, but I'll just take those.

" I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but we'll finish this later,"

After pouring them all glasses of cold and fresh water (God bless those preservation runes and their ability to keep foodstuffs and fluids cool), I motioned to Sterile.

" Alright Doc, help me haul these puppies out on the cart please,"

" Sure," was all he had to say.

Pushing the doors open, he moved to the left side of the table, so I took the right.

As I passed each guard, I would leave a plate of the meal for them. Eventually, we came to the princesses, who sat near the end. Placing a plate in front of Celestia, I give her a smile.

" Bon Appetite,"

And with that I put my cart away in the kitchen, grabbed a plate, and sat down at the table. At this time, Ink Sword came in through the door.

" Hey, I smelled something cooking and- your majesties!" He stated with surprise, dipping into a bow.

" You may rise," Celestia told him sweetly.

" Cough cough, suckup, cough,"

Ink Sword looked over at Ulysses and gave him a stink eye. Where is he all the time anyways? The only time I see him around is when he gets his food, and even then that's a fifty-fifty. Hmm... Maybe I should have him work with me in the workshop. It would be nice to have an extra hand after all, and he needs to get out and contribute.

" Guess what Ulysses?" I asked, " It's suck-ups that get good positions. Ever wonder why Samus always got a larger allowance?"

He looks at me for a minute, looking surprised, before replying, " Blackmail?"

" ... That's one of them," I muttered under my breath before speaking up, " She got it from doing extra work around the house,"

" Who is this 'Samus'?" Luna asked.

" She's my sister. She just happens to be a very hard-worker, unlike someone,"

" Hey, I do work!"

" Playing Portal with Lincoln logs doesn't count,"

" I cut the wood!"

" With a chainsaw. And a very smoothly running one I might add, despite it's age,"

" Hey, using a chainsaw is a pain in my rear. It may be better than an axe, but still. You try it?"

" Yes, and it works fine,"

" Because you're practically superman's cousin. What do you do with the wood afterwards anyways?"

" I stockpile it in the workshop, where I've been making furniture, such as a bedframe which you happened to break,"

" It isn't my fault it was old. How did you know about that anyways? I've never told you,"

" Could you two stop arguing please? I was hoping that this would've been a decent meal without a side dish of migraines," Ink Sword intervened.

I glared at Ulysses a minute, then softened.

" Eh, you're right. Just not worth the energy anyways,"

" I don't no whether to be insulted or relieved that you don't want to continue this,"

" Maybe just a mix of both?" I suggested.

" Good enough for me,"

" You two are very strange, you know that?"

" Get used to it," We both replied in sync.

So after our mini argument, we started eating. Most of the guards just went to town (Although they were at least polite enough to wait for Celestia and Luna to begin. Guests of Honor tend to get that sort of thing.), Ink Sword prodded his for a minute before cutting it up with a fork and knife, And I pretty much inhaled mine. Which leaves me finished before everyone. Hell, some look like they aren't even half-way through. Twiddling my thumbs, I just sit there waiting.

"So Cervantes," Celestia asked, having just swallowed a bite of Quesadilla, "What did you do before you arrived in Equestria?"

" Well, I was surviving as I've told you. Before that though, I was a Demolitionist,"

" What would the job description of a 'Demolitionist' be?"

" Well, you need to have a special license to handle the explosives, but basically what I do is blow up old and decrepit buildings to make way for other companies to build new and improved structures,"

" Did you do anything as a hobby?"

" Well, considering I was busy most of the time raising my brothers and sister, I would play my guitar if I had any free time. I don't do it so much anymore these days though..."

" Why not? I'm sure you wouldn't mind playing a song would you? Just one song,"

" Well, like I said... I'm a bit rusty so it might not-"

" Why don't you play the guests some music? I'm sure you won't be that bad. C'mon," Ulysses snickered.

First that little bastard left me to rot in the courtyard, then he somehow tied me up to wear that wig, and now this. I swear to Christ...

" Alright alright, I'll do it. I haven't done this in a while, so I might be off note just a bit,"

I got up out of my chair and started strumming some of the beginning notes. Since I only have my guitar, It probably won't sound great, but they are asking so...

On a dark desert highway,

Cool wind in my hair.

Warm smell of colitas,

Rising up through the air.

Up ahead in the distance,

I saw a shimmering light.

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim,

I had to stop for the night.

My fingers were strumming along the song. Surprisingly enough, I sang it just fine. I felt something sounded different though. I haven't played my guitar in a while, but I think I hear something different to it...

There she stood in the doorway,

I hear the mission bell,

And I was thinkin to myself,

This could be heaven or this could be hell.

Then she lit up a candle,

And she showed me the way.

There were voices down the corridor,

Thought I heard them say,

Welcome to the Hotel California!

Such a lovely place!

'Such a lovely place!'

Such a lovely face!

Renting a room at the Hotel California!

Any time of year!

'Any time of year!'

You can find it here!

At this point I was surprised with myself. My guitar has never played like this before now that I saw it, and the choir seemingly came out of nowhere. I could hear drumbeats and other guitars, but they were just as mysterious as the choir. Maybe it's harmony or some shit? I don't know...

Her mind is definitely twisted.

She got the Mercedes Benz.

She got a lotta pretty, pretty boys,

That she calls friends.

Have a dance in the courtyard,

Sweeet summer sweat.

Some dance to remember.

Some dance to forget!

So I called up the captain,

"Please bring me my wine,"

He said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969,".

And still those voices are calling from faaar awaaay.

Wake you up in the middle of the night,

Just to hear them say,

Welcome to Hotel California!

Such a lovely place!

'Such a lovely place!'

Such a lovely face!

Living it up at the Hotel California!

What a nice surprise!

'What a nice surprise!'

Bring your alibis!

Mirrors on the ceiling,

Depict champagne on ice,

And she said "We are all just prisoners here,"

"Of our own device,"

And in the masters chambers,

They gathered for the feast.

They stabbed it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast!

Last thing I remember,

I was running for the door.

I had to find a passage back,

To the place I was before.

"Relax," Said the Night Man,

" We are programmed to receive,"

"You can check out any time you like,"

" But you can never leave!"

After finishing the lyrics, I continued to play through the rest of the son with my guitar. The faces on the princesses showed they enjoyed the song, Ulysses was leaning back in his chair with his mouth agape, and the guards in general remained stoic. Ink just sat there with his eyes closed, and a small grin on his beak... somehow. Not sure how beaks bend to form smiles. Fucking cartoon logic...

As soon as the song came to an end, I bowed and took my seat. Stomping of hooves came from the less professional guards and the princesses, although Ulysses and Ink Sword clapped.

" That song was amazing! What was it about?" Arrow asked.

" I'll let you decide what to think about that. Remember, music is expression of self,"

Taking my last sip from my glass of water, I look towards Ink Sword.

" Hey Inky, I've been thinking,"

" Did it hurt?"

" Zip it wise crack. I've been thinking that you need a job,"

" Like?"

" Well I could always use an extra hand down at the workshop. Or you could go out to the quarry near Ponyville and play diplomat to diamond dogs. Which do you pick? If you want, I'll send Ulysses with you,"

" Don't I have a say in this?"

" Shut up Ulysses, daddy's busy,"

A hole in space opened up next to Ulysses. He thrust his fist forward, and a force connected to the back of my head that I could only presume was said fist.

" Are you trying to start a fight?" I said.

" ... Maybe?,"

" Well I for one think that some blown off steam would be nice, but how about we do so at the castle back in Canterlot on a later date?" Luna suggested.

" Yeah... a nice match. Ink Sword, due to your bull shit that one day, I think it's time to test who's really tough when it comes down to our dukes,"

" Dukes?"

" Well, you know... limb to limb combat? Claws? Fisticuffs?"

" You mean hoofticuffs?" Arrow replied.

" ... I'll just put that to the side as cultural differences. I'd like to see how you, Shield, and Sterile would do as well. Luna, Celestia, do you think your guards would like to have a go as well? I'd like to set up an eight point bracket here,"

" Of course. Captain Sunshine, If you'd come up please," Celestia asked.

Sunshine? Pfft, what kind of name is- oh shit it's D.K.'s cousin. This guy looks like a ponified Arnold Schwarzanegger on Steroids. And that guy already looks like he's on steroids.

" And from my guards, I'd like to pick Cloud Nine," Luna said.

The same guy I remember giving a black eye for trying to take my gun away. Huh, what do you know? Hopefully there's no hard feelings.

" It'd be my pleasure to pay these apes back for that night,"

Fuck my life. Murphy, I understand you and me have known each other for a while but... I think this relationship is abusive. I'm sorry but... I just don't want to be with you anymore. I think it's better if I moved out. I'll leave you the couch if you'd like.

" Then it's settled! Let us beat the shit out of each other!"

Kra-kaboom!

The sound of thunder crackled outside, signifying the rainstorm.

" ... Just later at Canterlot, like Luna recommended,"

We all put our plates on trays and shipped them to the kitchen. Steroid McGee decided to put a couple of privates in charge of the dishes instead of us, thank god.

Looking at the group, I can see that they look a bit groggy. Must be ready to go to sleep. Luna's looking a bit more restless though.

" Right, well I think it's getting a bit late, wouldn't you say?" I suggest.

" Oh my goodness, we forgot sister!" Luna gasped.

" That's right. We'll be right back Cervantes, we need to find a window,"

" Got it. Ulysses, go with them and keep them from getting lost. Ink Sword, come with me,"

" Yes captain!" Ulysses yelled and saluted.

Hidden within the salute was a graceful bird. I should break that finger off later.

" Got it," Ink Sword replied.

The main group went off towards where ever, while me and Ink Sword started our path down the hall.

" So Ink Sword, I have a couple of questions. Feel up to answer some?"

" Why not. In return, could I ask some?"

" Sure. I'll go first. What exactly have you been up to? I haven't seen or heard from you except when you grab a meal at the kitchen,"

" Uhh..."

[{((O))}]

OTR:

" Back! Back you spawn of Tirek! Go back to Tartaurus from whence you came!"

Ink Sword was wielding a broom, fighting off a series of tentacles attempting to grab him and drag him into it's razor-edged mouth snout. One of the tentacles had already dragged in his bookshelf, not that it had anything on it. A tentacle had snapped out and broke the broom in his hands. Now defenseless, Ink Sword backed up against the wall.

" Oh buck..."

Reaching over to his desk, he grabbed some old fuel he wanted to save for his Claw Cannon.

" Buck it. Kill it with fire!"

He threw the jar against the mass of tentacles, glass shattering and stabbing into the tentacles as fuel dripped. Ink Sword pulled out a matchbox from the desk. Striking a match, he tossed it at the beast. It made an unholy screech of pain and retracted into the closet, never to be seen again.

" Sigh, that's the last time I mail-order mechanical parts,"

Somewhere else in the Equestria, there's a very confused dark wizard with a box of scraps.

[{((O))}]

" ... Eheheh, nothing special. Just repairing my Claw Cannon, tinkering, upgrading, things like that,"

I raised an eyebrow for a moment, sensing something more, but just let it slide.

" Alright then. Your turn,"

" What's your world like?"

Whoo boy, big topic.

" Depends here. Would you like the beginning?"

" Yes,"

" Oh fuck berries. I'm gonna hate repeating myself later, but I'll do it anyways,"

Clearing my throat, I begin.

" To explain humans, I might want to explain our world first. For starters, how should a planet move in its system?"

" The planet shouldn't move. The sun and moon rotate around Equis,"

" Actually, that's abnormal. Your world is a gravitational funhouse. There are other geocentric systems somewhere in space, but those are far and few in between,"

" That's fake. A heliocentric system? Pfft, that's an idea from ancient times,"

" Is it? Kid, you're talking to a being from another world. And guess what? Because my home system isn't geocentric, it has more space. Nine planets orbiting my home star, known as Sol,"

" Nine? Sweet Faust... all that room to move..."

" Well, not exactly. It took about a year to get to the closest planet,"

" What was on the other planet?"

" Not much, aside from rusty sand and all of the worlds water frozen at the north pole,"

" Rusty sand?"

" A majority of the soil had iron in it, which gave the planets soil a reddish color due to rust. Water creates rust, so it's believe the planet used to have plenty of it. The worlds only source of water was on the ice caps,"

" How did life survive then?"

" It didn't. A fatal form of radiation had killed off all of its life long ago. We found fossils, but not much passed that. Some scientists theorized that it's core had frozen, which proved to be true. To save you the trouble of asking why, a planets core is like it's heart. Once a heart stops beating, you die. A molten core can generate special magnetic fields, which can reflect cosmic rays and deadly forms of radiation from the same sun which provides you with light and life. Any planets further than Mars from the sun were either too cold or too toxic, and anything closer than our home planet, Earth, was too hot or too acidic. Mars and Earth were the two lucky planets. Mars actually had life long before the mass extinction on earth,"

" So your home was a one of a kind out of nine planets?"

" Yeah. We haven't been able to send people to the other worlds for studying, but we did send drones. The main nine worlds were; Mercury, the only planet in our system without an atmosphere. It's atmosphere was roasted into nothing by the sun. Venus, the slow planet. Unlike most of the the planets, Venus not only spins slowly, but also spins in the opposite direction of the other planets. Due to it's extremely thick and acidic atmosphere, we haven't been able to find out why. Earth, the blue marble. Earth is covered by large oceans, and only 29% of all space on earth is land. The rest is salty oceans, which are swayed by the motion of our moon.

Then there's Mars, the red marble. I've told you quite a bit, but Mars has two moons! Both of them are lumpy, and have no determinable shape. Now past that is a special ring of rocks called the Asteroid belt. This belt has rocks rich with rare metals and valuable materials from the earliest beginning of the solar system. Now this ring separates the inner rocky planets from the mighty gas giants. A gas giant is a world that has no true surface, but is an entire ball of gas. Jupiter, the king of the giants, is so big, that you would only have to increase its mass by fifty times to create a star. And it has over 60 moons!"

I felt dryness beginning to take up my throat. Pulling out my canteen, I take a sip of blue berry molotov- Oh fuck! Spitting out the disgusting sap, I look at my hand to see I grabbed one of the explosives canisters instead.

" Eheheh, wrong canteen,"

Grabbing the right canteen, I take a sip of whiskey to wash down my throat. Alcohol isn't good for dry throats in the long run. Maybe I should carry around a second canteen?

" That's alcohol, isn't it?"

" You bet your sober ass it is,"

" Right... could you continue?"

" Of course, where was I?"

" The super planet with over sixty moons?"

" Ahh yes, Jupiter. Next planet is Saturn, the rubber duck planet as I like to call it. It's estimated that Saturn is so light, that if there were a big enough pond it would float. The gas giant has three rings of rock, dust, and ice orbiting around it. It was originally thought to be two, but a third, very distant ring was found. It has only five moons I think, whose names unfortunately evade me at this moment,"

" Maybe the alcohol is kicking in?"

" No, because then I'd most likely be naming the moons after the reindeer on Santa's sled team,"

" What?"

" I'll have to explain Earth holidays to you later. Up next are the brother planets, Uranus and Neptune. Both have atmospheres made of a highly flammable gas called methane, which gives the gas giants a bluish-green color. Both also have a couple of moons, and the only difference between them is that Uranus spins on it's side, with it's rocky ring as well.

The final planet is Pluto. Pretty funny, scientists have been debating whether or not to even call it a planet because of it's size. Pluto is located in the Kupiter belt, a second ring of mainly icy rocks and dust that orbits the outer edges of the solar system. Pluto's atmosphere is similar to Mercury, only in this case the planet froze pretty close to absolute zero, the coldest anything can ever get. This resulted in it's atmosphere freezing up and dropping to the surface. That wraps up about everything about our solar system,"

" Fascinating. Could you tell me the history of your planet though? Not the layout of the system,"

" In the beginning, about 9 billion years before today, Earth was a molten ball of fire. It bubbled and boiled. Around this time, there are two theories that I can place stock in; Either our moon formed from remaining residue being spat off of Earth, or a large rock crashed into us a little later on. Passed that, about a couple billion years later, Earth was rock and fully formed. Hydrogen and oxygen chemicals were leftover, and formed the oceans.

Not much to tell. Some of the water stayed on the ground, but some evaporated, attached itself to dust particles in the skies, and formed the clouds and atmosphere. About one billion years later, a chemical known compound known as amino acids formed. Humans have been able to recreate it, but there seemed to be something missing, since we couldn't turn it into single-cellular organisms,"

We most definitely found out on 2035.

" So these 'amino acids' are the building blocks of life on your planet?"

" Yes, and most likely your planet as well. Something just luckily struck these acids, and formed the first single celled organisms. They were simple really. So tiny you could fit millions of them on the tip of a pin. They reproduced via mitosis, or basically cutting themselves in half, nucleus included. Basically, they went without sex. Kind of a bummer in my opinion. After a good 500 or 600 million years, the first multi-cellular plants and animals formed. Nothing passed a few jellyfish, trilobites, and kelp,"

" A 'Jellyfish'? What are those like?"

" ... How advanced is your planets aquatic technologies?"

" What do you mean?"

" Diving wise,"

" Diving?"

" Oh brother. Humans have developed machines which allow us to transverse to the bottom of the ocean,"

" Really? What's it like?"

" Fuck if I know, I never went on a sub-marine ride,"

" Fascinating... I should attempt to make one,"

" I'll help you with that sometime. You'll need it with something as advanced as that. To answer your jellyfish question, they're not really fish. They're bulbous polyp colonies that float around the ocean. Their tentacles have poisonous barbs that catch prey. They have no way of moving around, so they just float with the currents of the ocean. Anyways, add another few million years and you've got your first vertabraed creatures. Fish with backbones, of course. Small plants started forming on land, and eventually the first amphibian.

This was the dawn of the dinosaurs. Eventually, ferns grew into bushes, which became trees. The first amphibians that lept to land became reptiles, no longer requiring the ocean to survive. These amphibians started small, but they gradually grew bigger and bigger. They were reffered to as dinosaurs, which means 'big lizard'. Big was an understatement. The largest dinosaur I can think of is Titanosaur. A rough comparison to anything today is that Titanosaur would be about the same size as an Ursa Minor,"

" Sweet Faust that's big,"

" Oh yeah, and that was just their body. They were apart of a group of dinosaurs called long-necks. Their necks easily doubled their height. After these big boys, the first flying reptiles came in. They were no more capable of gliding though. Eventully, they gained the ability to flap, and they became Pteranodons, Pterodactyls, stuff like that. They were about as close to dragons as our world got, but the biggest one was pretty small in comparison to this worlds dragons.

Eventually, the reptiles became the first birds, while other reptiles became the first mammals, adapting fur or feathers. Then, The Great Event happened,"

" What's 'The Great Event'?"

" That's the beauty of it, no one was certain until recently. It was just speculation at first; The Ice Age, a meteor, global eruptions from volcanoes, but it was proved to be one little chemical. One little chemical that was frozen in the ice caps. The problem is, is that when it melted out of the ice caps, it did the same work it did to the dinosaurs. I'll talk about it in a little bit, because it plays a key role in the history of mankind.

It was even later found that little chemical is what started life to begin with. Anyways, not long after the extinction of the dinosaurs, The Ice Age has arrived. Around this age is when humans appeared and started roaming Earth. The ocean had lowered considerably, so land bridges had formed, allowing humans to spread across the world.

We weren't as advanced back then though. We traveled in tribes, and had nothing beyond flint knifes and sharpened sticks. Every year, we would follow our prey, learning what was edible along the way. Now the first permanent settlement was the Zulu tribe in Africa. They figured out agriculture, planting seeds and domesticating wild animals along with making brick. Mud stone brick, but brick never the less. Other tribes all over the world figured it out on their own and starting doing it as well. Thus the dawn of civilization was born. I'm not much of a history nut pass this point, so you'd have to ask my brother Leo about the rest of Earths history if we find him,"

" You've given me a great deal of knowledge already. Thank you. I honestly think that you're deserving of a few questions,"

" Good Christ it was worth it then. Now here's a few questions I have. Is homosexuality permitted?"

" Of course it is. In Equestria anyways. Mylos views it as... heretical, and Avalonne doesn't smile on it, but there's one or two cases anyways,"

" Nifty. What age would one be considered to be an adult amongst all species?"

" Age? For ponies and gryphons it's sixteen, for minotaurs it's eight-teen, For zebra tribes it differs so I couldn't give an exact answer, and for dragons the sub-species also varies. They basically become adults whenever they're sexually mature,"

" Got it. You have any questions now?"

" Yes. Could we drop by your workshop now?"

" Well, I haven't exactly given you much of a tour yet either. Sure, why not?"

" Most definitely yes,"

" Hehehe, somebodies eager,"

" Somebirdie, and yes I am. What kind of things have you been working on in there?"

Some... birdie? Oh Christ that tickles.

" Well, I've got some blueprints I've sketched out. Problem is I've had no time to build them. I have a couple of other projects, but they're incomplete for the most part. Speaking of which, I have a little something for you to try on. Since me and Ulysses thought we could do some work later, we started making some weapons and suits.

For you, I have a special suit of armor I want to make. The problem is that you're evasive, so I can't really find you. After that, I'll make a weapon according to your preference on things. That seem doable?"

" Yes. Just show me where the workshop is. I want to see whatever you're making in there,"

" You know those suits that those guys were wearing at the dinner table? That was pretty great stuff. It's really nothing more than steel and Kevlar, but the paints I put on it are flame reflecting. Meaning that they could walk through fire, so long as they put on respirators. Problem is, I can't seem to get the respirators in the lab properly working. They're supposed to work just fine, even underwater, but they don't seem to pump enough air into the helmet. Even worse is, I cant figure out the proper out-take to recycle the carbon dioxide,"

" The... what?"

" Wow. Just... wow. We inhale oxygen, and exhale carbon dioxide. Oxygen is in the air along with carbon dioxide. Oxygen, good. Carbon dioxide, bad,"

" But... where does the carbon dioxide we exhale go?"

" Uhh... you made that claw cannon of yours yourself, right?"

" Yeah? Aren't you supposed to answer my question first though?"

So smart, yet so ignorant. He's like a lactose intolerant cheese-maker.

" Just curious is all. Trees absorb carbon dioxide from their leaves and release oxygen into the air. It's all recycled. If there was too much oxygen in the air, all plants would die. If too much carbon dioxide was in the air, all animals would die. There's a perfect balance. Get the picture?"

" Amazing,"

" If I ever get to run a country, I am majorly improving the education system,"

" Really? What would it be like?"

" Well... It's complicated to say the least,"

We turned down the corridor. By rough estimate, we're actually not that far from the workshop.

" An average human being has at least thirteen years of education under their belt,"

" Sweet Faust. Humans must have a great economy,"

" Hahaha! That is far from the truth. This education is a required minimum, by both poor and rich alike if you want to get by in life. You have to pay quite a bit for an extra four to eight years if you want to be successful. That extra four to eight is used to train you in any specific job field you wish to enter. Doctors, Brick Masons, Demolitionists like me, we all needed to go to these schools for this training. Anyone can apply to the job, aside from ones where lives are potentially at stake like Doctors and Demolitionists, but people who go to these colleges are preferred candidates over the average joe.

Then there's the schools that you have to go to before college. It is a requirement to have your high school diploma or G.E.D. before you enter college. The first school any one would enter is elementary school. You learn basic things about history, science, and math. Nothing to serious. To give you and idea, this is just what I remember from my school. Long division, multiplication, the forefathers of my country, Bostin tea party, and good sports exercise,"

" Exercise?"

" Yes. While school is meant for learning, it's believed that your physical structure should be as great as your mental capabilities. And this is elementary school. After spending nine years here, you would spend your last four years of school in a high school. In high school, you learn about more advanced things like health, biology, chemistry, algebra, geometry, advanced history, and gym. Algebra I personally don't give a fuck about because I have not once used it in my life outside of school, and I've had to make mathematical calculations about how safe it is to blow up certain kinds of explosives on certain buildings.

Geometry I can understand a bit more, but what was confusing as hell for me was that we had to use algebra in geometry class. My personal thought was that it was confusing as hell, probably just me though. Health was a cinch. In health you learn about the human body, where organs are located, the names of each little bone in your body, and proper nutrition. Biology is one form of science where we study ecosystems, animals, plants, the works. In chemistry we learned all about the periodic table, chemical reactions, even physics itself.

The periodic table is a list of chemicals in which are in the world around us. Copper, Iron, Nitrogen, Neon, Silicon, Carbon, Sulfur, Hydrogen, even Calcium just to name a few. You see all of these chemicals all around you, and you don't realize it because it's all on the microscopic scale. In other words, the only way humans knew for sure these things existed was thanks to advanced technology. There's way more chemicals than what I just named, but the chemicals I gave you are some of the most commonly found. If you want, I could teach you some right now. In fact, why don't I sing you a little song? A song about the periodic elements,"

Wait, what? I didn't want to say that. I don't want to sing! What the hell?! It's like something is taking over my body! I can't move myself!

I popped open the doors to my lab, and out of the blue, The projector I had Ulysses fetch me turns on and lights up the wall. The first image it shows is a big bottle of water with the word 'Hydrogen' underneath... oh fuck my life. I don't even have any tapes for it yet!

"There'sss Hydrogen and Helium, then Lithium and-- Umph!" I internally cheered as I managed to slam my hand over my mouth. An unseen force started pulling at my hand. Not today asshole. I sing when I feel like and that's that.

Something sounding similar to a record getting ripped off of a gramophone is heard, and Ink Sword stares at me in confusion.

"That was... unusual," I stated, "And very non-consensual. I don't even want to sing,"

"Oh no. Are you trying to fight Harmony? Do yourself a favor; don't. When I first arrived in Equestria, I tried to resist at first. I was hospitalized for one month. I learned a cruel lesson; Don't. Fight. Harmony,"

"How about I pick my own fights? I can take this bastard on!"

"Because... Oh buck," He looks up above me, and as I look up, I see a rather large brick floating over my head by a few feet.

" Shit," I muttered before it landed on my head. Rather than smashing my skull in like what was probably expected, the brick rolled off my now flattened hat with me still standing. Feeling my blood start to bubble, I took my hat off. It was flattened down, and crimson fluid was definitely on it.

"Alright ass-wipe!" I yelled into the air, looking around for anybody what so ever, "Put up your dukes! It's a fight you want?! It's a fight you get!"

Suddenly, an unseen force hit me in the gut like a hammer, followed by getting sweeped off my feet. Landing on the ground hard and face first, I think I broke my nose. I feel my legs get hoisted in the air, and I suddenly start spinning. By this point my hat was gone, and I started to get real pissed. Without warning, the force let me go, sending me flying through the workshop doors and against a wall.

"Holy shit! You alright Cervantes?" Ulysses yelled.

"Fuck, what are you doing here? Get out!"

"I was taking the princess to her room when-" He was interrupted before I started floating.

"What the hell? You have another power?" Ulysses asked with a grin.

Suddenly, I was slammed into the ceiling and dropped onto the ground, leaving a noticeable crack in said ceiling.

"No," I replied with a face still deadpan as I picked myself up. Inside though, I was volcanic.

"What's going on?!" Celestia yelled.

"He's fighting Harmony," Ink Sword said nonchalantly, walking through the doors, "And it's only a matter of time before he loses,"

As if to emphasize that, I'm lifted into the air and slapped across the face repeatedly. Spitting out blood, I stare straight where the force is grabbing me, then just ahead.

"You think you'll win. Hah! You're fighting the most lively son of a bitch the world as ever seen. It's gonna take more than a slap or two to take me out,"

"That brick alone should have knocked you out," Ink sword said.

"Wouldn't count on a single brick. His skull's thicker than you think," Ulysses replied, still grinning despite this situation.

"But you should have seen the size of the thing!"

"Listen Cervantes," Celestia said calmly, "I understand this, but just don't fight it. Getting sent to the hospital is not worth resisting a song,"

Hmm... sing like I'm in Disnies' Wonderland, or get sent to the Intensive Care Unit. Sing like a fairy... or the hospital. Hmm... decisions, decisions...

Building up my strength, I reel my fist back and swing forward, only to swing through air.

"It's worth it," I said, right before getting thrown out a window.

Falling, I land on the ground with a loud thud and crunch. Feeling a sudden sting in my back, I reach my hand back. Glass. I have glass in my back. B-E-A-U-tiful. With the rain cleaning out my wounds and the thunder cracking, I get back up, and slam my fists together.

"Alright Harmony! Come on out and play!"

I feel a strong force strike my balls, and slam me down back into the mud. Dropping down to the ground in a fetal position, tears welled up and fell from my face as I clenched my balls in pain.

"That all you got?!" I gasped out to the sky.

Kra-kaboom!

In a flash, my body was burned all over. The slight sound of something singeing was heard, and light smoke rose off of me as I twitched.

"Ow,"

Trying to get up, I find my body was non-responsive. I think that damn testical shot did me in.

"If you're holding me down, then it's not gonna work,"

I push myself up, finding immense strain. The strain was on me, but I still slowly pushed up. As I stood to my feet, I felt more strikes against my back. It was obviously trying to push me back down, but the strikes felt more... panicked. I smell something in the air. Something... different. Turning around, my nose leads me to something... whatever it is, it moves fast. Out of sheer guess, I swung my arm right. I felt it scrape against something in the air.

"Hah! I found you!"

Kra-kaboom!

Kra-kaboom!

Kra-kaboom!

"... Ouch," Was all I could muster out before falling to the ground on my back. Moving my hands, I reached into my special sleeve. I pulled out a flashbang. Hehehe, let's see how you like this now. Shutting my eyes, I prepare for one painful event.

Bang!

My ears were ringing, but the force was removed. The flash did go through my eyelids, so I'm only somewhat blinded. Sniffing around, there's metal, mud, and... something else. It's like I can almost pinpoint it. My nose grows stronger as I start to waft up other things. Sweat, rain, fresh forest, and even a nest of birds nearby. This is cool. I don't like super powers especially, but still.

Tackling to the source, I slip into the mud and get pressed down again. The pressure slams me down, and I'm flattened against the ground like a pancake in the mud. I suddenly started feeling it hit my back, causing shards of glass to embed themselves deeper in.

"Do you honestly think- Wham! that will take me out? I will not- Wham! Just sit by- Wham! and take this- Wham! Will you just cut it out?! Can't we just be reasoning beings?! I don't want to sing, it's simple! Now just- Plop!"

My face was suddenly slammed into the mud, and I felt myself get dragged along the dirt. I was hoisted up, and find myself floating again. This is gonna scar.

"Drop dead," I spat out as rain started to wash mud off into my mouth. Yuck.

Suddenly, I was whipped forward, flying above trees as they blurred past me as nothing more than... well, blurs.

"Son of a-!"

[{((O))}]

OTR: Spike: 3rd person.

Spike had just finished reorganizing the library as Twilight had asked, and he did a good job of it. The crickets chirping outside were melody, and he was ready to head to bed. He however, heard something faint outside. Somepony faintly yelling in the distance. He walked over to the window and opened it, poking his head out. There was nopony in sight, but he still heard it.

"-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"

He saw the source. A minotauresque figure was soaring through the night sky. He did a double take when he realized it was heading towards the treehouse. As he bolted up the stairs, the figure crashed through the front wall of the tree and into the bookshelves.

"Twilight! We've got a visitor!"

[{((O))}]

Cervantes POV

I sat there, heavily embedded within the tree. A couple of book dropped onto my head from the shelf above. All in all, this fight was not in his favor. He thought he heard someone yell, but he wasn't sure considering the ringing in his ears.

"Motherfucking Harmony. Thinking he can take me out like that?" I muttered to myself.

I felt a force of magic pick me up.

"Arrgh! Lemme go you damned Harmony! What? You just too chicken to show yourself?!"

"Cervantes, calm down!" I heard a familiar unicorn say.

Looking to my left, I see Twilight is picking me up with her magic.

"Oh. Sorry 'bout that Twilight. I'm just in the middle of a fight right now is all,"

"You can't go fighting in your condition!"

"Watch me. This bastard's been on my nerves. Just because I sing one song, he suddenly thinks I'll sing for him all the time? Hah! That is a restriction of my rights! If I don't want to sing, then I don't sing!"

"Cervantes! Calm down," Twilight spoke, trying to soothe me, "Now who is trying to make you sing?"

"Harmony,"

"Hehehe, I'm sorry, but it sounded like you said Harmony,"

"I did,"

Her eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets, and she lifts several books up with her magic.

"Get out," She says softly.

"What?"

"Get out! You're bad luck to us all!" Suddenly, a newspaper from the room over flies in like a missile towards me.

Too bad for the newspaper I have good reflexes. But then again, there was the brick incident... maybe my reflexes aren't that good.

I slapped the newspaper away, not wanting this nuisance. Fainting a gasp to avert her attention, I point to the bookcase.

"Twilight! Look, your books!"

Her eyes, turn towards the tattered pile of paper and... whatever other stuff books are made of, with horror.

"My books!" She yelled, carefully picking the books up. She takes the books I had pretty much smashed with my body, and starts hugging them, "Shhh, It'll be alright," She whispers as she cradles them back and forth.

I notice at the foot of the stairs is a very shocked and confused dragon.

"Umm, hi?" I said. To be honest, this will not end well. Only the elements have seen me and Ulysses, and the only time Ulysses was in town he was in disguise. I know I said earlier I've been in town, but I've really just been around it with a pair of binoculars and studying the place so I could get a lay of the land.

Spike just blinked, and blinked again, before mumbling that he 'needed to find a train ticket out of town' and walking back upstairs.

"Monster!" I heard some one yell from behind me. Looking back, I see lights up and down the street flickering on through the cartoonishly large hole in the wall behind me. Fuck.

"Uhh... look, I didn't mean any trouble. I just got into a fight and I was whipped out of the Everfree. Nothing more, nothing less!"

"It's from the Everfree?!"

"Run!"

"Hide!"

"I'll let you have my firstborn child if you leave me alive!"

What the hell? First two were stereotypical, but the last one? Just... what the hell? That's about all I have to say. What. The actual. Hell?

"God damnit, Look everypony! I mean you no harm! Just calm down and let me explain!" I yell.

Somepony opens their window and throws out a bag of bits. Other ponies are pushing jewelry, and other treasures out their windows.

"In the name of the gods! Stop your fucking panicking!"

Suddenly, a lone pegasus swooped in and kicked me in the gut from above. I grunted from the force, but otherwise unharmed for some unknown reason. Grabbing him by his legs, I pin him on the ground.

"What's your name boy?"

"Nggh... Swift Kick,"

"Alright, and do you realize what you did was dangerous? I don't think you know, but I'm a dangerous warrior,"

His eyes grow, before smiling.

"Let's see how good you do against my friends,"

"What?" Picking him up, I look behind to see two more stallions. One was an Earth Pony with a fairly thick build and a hammer for a cutie mark, along with a fairly large hammer. The other one was a unicorn with a numerous amount of big rocks surrounding him. His Cuite Mark was a boulder cut in half.

"Stone Quarry! Get 'em!" Swift yelled.

I was suddenly being pelted with rocks, and I tossed the pegasus to the side to save him the pain. The village was cheering them on as rock after rock assaulted me. My bodies taken more than this for gods sake. A couple of them I caught and threw back, only for me to realize he would through them back at me once more. I raised my arms to take the storm. Eventually, the battering stopped.

"Done yet, or do you have more stones hidden somewhere?" I said, wiping mud off of my face.

A pillar of stone rose out of the ground through the trees wooden floor, striking me in the face and possibly breaking my jaw.

"Ouch," I said, confirming the jaw was still okay.

"Wh-what are you made of?!" He yelled, backing away from me. The hammer stallion had an evil grin and a gleam in his eyes.

"Interesting story about that, I was hit by a train once. It shattered several bones. In order to save my life, the doctors gave me an experimental bone transfusion. It basically made my bones tougher than iron and mends them together more easily, as if the individual fragments themselves know suddenly where to go. Doesn't heal together quicker though. It was free, considering the whole 'experimental' part and that one or two people may have died from it before. Not sure, but they did hint at it. In total, I'm pretty much made of steel,"

"Steel eh?" The earth pony asked, hefting his hammer. "I forge steel for a livin'. You shouldn't be much of a problem,"

"I like you already. Tell you what; I have a proposition to solve this without violence. If you win, I'll buy a free round of drinks for everypony and leave this town. What're your stakes?" I say, drinking a swig afterwards.

He looks at me for a moment and rubs a hoof on his chin, apparently pondering. Eventually, he grins. "How about a discount at my shop? Fifteen percent off? Looks like you could use a suit judging by the appearance of that rag,"

"Nah, I can forge my own armor back home, and I could definitely make it twice as better as yours," I say with a grin.

"Is that a challenge you shaved mutt? Saying that is the worst insult you can spit in a Smith's eye,"

"Yes it is better. I have proof sheathed in my-" I reach down, only to find the claymores I spent pain taking time into along with all of my other weapons are gone. It's a good thing I left Clementine in my bedroom. Looking back up, I smile sheepishly. "Eheheheheh... seems I lost it while I was on my flight here. How about we have a friendly forging match instead? I'll pay for any materials I use. Does that seem better than beating each other senseless?"

He nods his head in agreement. "Very well monster, this shall be our competition, and may the best work win,"

"Indeed. I really wish the best of luck to you as well- Wham!" Suddenly, Swift Hoof figured now would be a beautiful time to strike me from behind the knees.

Knocking down onto the ground, I roll to the right, just barely avoiding another set of hits. Looking at him, he jumps on top of me a hits me dead in the face. I feel warm liquid run down, bringing a grin.

"You dumbass," I said, bringing my head back and slamming his face. He goes limp, blood now pouring from his lip.

Sliding him off of my body, I get up.

"Sorry about him, that was in self defense though. Why'd you guys attack to begin with?"

"We were defending our town. What else?" Stone quarry shrugged.

"Good point. Don't you guys have families to go to or something?"

"Ehh, not really. Hot Mallet had a wife, but when she died, he didn't really feel like finding anyone else, and now he's too old. I've had too much time spent at the quarry trying to get it back from the Lupus Canis clan for me to find a couple of mares, and Swift Hoof just doesn't seem to have much luck,"

Looking around town, at the tree house, and at Swift's unconscious body, I swig yet again from my flask. Moving towards Swift, the others tense up.

"Ahh piss off. I'm not gonna hurt 'em,"

Judging by the look in their eyes, they still don't trust me. Oh well, they can kindly go down the boulevard and fuck themselves. Clutching Swift and carrying him in my arms, I walk out of the hole in the tree.

This day is weird. Really weird, but at the same time normal. In a matter of thirty minutes, I went from giving Ink Sword a tour, admittedly getting my ass handed to me on a silver platter by Harmony, possibly put Twilight in the crazy house from book trauma, and met the three muska-queers.

"Now where's the good ol' red cross? I need to check if my testicles imploded,"

Scavenge

Chapter one:

Scavenge

Date: 2/23/2037

Location: Winnona, Al (Oil Rig Office, 435 West Rd.)

Time: 20:21

Cervantes POV

... just keep running, just keep running just keep running. Oh just how can some one screw up a scavenge mission. It should go fine I said. What could go wrong I said. I fucking hate you Murphy. I just don't know what went wrong. Oh yeah, about 13 minutes ago...

13 minutes ago -

"...mmph... water bottles... check... junk food... check... alcohol... check... ammunition...," I was checking supplies, making sure everything was O.K. right now. Normally there wouldn't be much need to talk but talking helps keep me sane. Being potentially the last human in existence can be stressful. I haven't come across another human being or a sentient mutant since things went bad with the exception of my buddy Johnny, but he died not long after he became a Yeti (Although in hindsight I live in Alaska so I wouldn't see much anyways) . Shit hit the fan some two years ago, starting up at the polar rim up north. It was some chemical ooze that was frozen up north and it thawed out from global warming. That crap was fast acting on crumbling humanity

Scientists thought it was caused by pollution at first until they came into physical contact with it. Don't know the exact details, except for it changed the scientist. It... mutated them. People ended up nicknaming it the Darwin virus. It was some sort of chemical mutagen that dated back to the dinosaur age, around their extinction to be exact. Symptoms of the first stage seemed harmless enough, resulting in the subjects immune to huge temperature changes and sudden light changes. A man with the stuff could see and hear after a flash bang and could walk through a Canada blizzard in their shorts. The next stage though... resulted in interesting effects.

Over a few weeks after the first stage, the subject goes through rapid mutation. any environment an infectee goes through, they changes with it. City infectees grew extra limbs which made it easier to climb buildings. Those up in Canada and Alaska got furry, big as hell, and blended in with the snow drifts. Subjects reported just a tingling feeling, no pain what so ever. Somehow the stuff reacted to its surroundings this way, almost as if it knew. The final stage starts after a few months, It all depends on willpower. Actually, my buddy Johnny resisted it completely, he turned out to be one cool Yeti. He only died when he ran into another Yeti who decided to fight him for dominance.

It reduced their minds to a primal state, making them nothing more than animals. The stuff as it turns out, is recreated in their saliva, so it's as infectious as rabies. After a while though, it started affecting other animals. It then moved on to plants. I heard about some Alligator/flytrap hybrid down in Florida before media went out, so it can obviously crossbreed DNA.

But the mutants we got up here are BAD. Ever seen a saber toothed polar bear with fins that let it swim 14 mph? Its scary as hell. Fun fact, penguins can fly now. they're also as big as helicopters. Kinda like pterodactyls if you think about it. So lets see... where was I? Oh, setting up camp in an office building. I was setting up some firecracker tripwires when a loud series of pops went off... that was one of them, wasn't it? I slipped into an office cube and pulled out an AR15 that I stole found on a military truck a while back. Sounded like that came from the west elevator soooo... im probably looking at climbing variants of yeti. Or polar variants of spiderlings. I'm honestly hoping its the latter. they're clingy and jumpy as hell, but they're fragile as glass. If that's the case then I could just give them a swift whack. So to test that theory...

"Olley Olley Oxenfree!!!" ... what can I say? I graduated from the University of Certified Dumbasses. *skitter skatter skitter skatter*.

"Well, where's the flyswatter?"

*Crash!* *Crash!* *Smash!*... uh-oh.

Heh, now that I look back, it was pretty stupid. I didn't realise there was a 100 OF THE FUCKERS! These bugs are probably gonna try to kill me, as is always with all other mutants. Ohh, like thats gonna happen. The repetitive pattering of my AR15 is probably the one thing that's kept me alive though. I honestly don't know how much longer till-*Click* *Click* *Click*... shit.

Dropping my AR15, I Switched off. You starting a gun fight with me is like trying to raid fort knox. Now grinning with glee, I was making my way through with two HS10's in each hand. You know, i've really got a schtick for duel wielding. Think about it, I duel wield my 45. Desert Eagles, my .44 revolvers, 10mm knife modified submachine guns, HS10's, Sickles (yes, sickles), and claymores. Big. Fucking. Custom built claymores. And im wearing them all right now. Despite being bulgy, which makes me a more obvious target, it pays off. Not to mention all the pockets. Lots and lots of pockets. The ones around my back on the inside of my trenchcoat have rations, never needed many waterbottles around though.

Take a minute to realise this. Im in Alaska. It's February. Do the math. If you got it right, you get a cookie. If not, congratulations, I think you were my colleague from the U.C.D. . To put it simply, what is snow made of? And what happens when you heat it up? I'm sure you can figure it out from there. *BLAM* "Headshot!" *BLAM* "Headshot!" *BLAM* "... I didn't know their gonads could do that..." *BLAM* *BLA-BLAM* *BLAM*. You know, im actually making progress here. Granted, I underestimated the number by a few more tens, but hey, the more the merrier.

Sheathing the HS10s when I ran dry, I was reaching for my Desert Eagles when- *Crash!* I was slammed out of a window by a prompt spiderling tackle. Those little shits may have bones of glass, but they've got one hell of a tackle. Hmmm... let's see, falling out a window from the top of a five story building. Im kinda curious when i'll hit the ground. Hmm, todays tuesday so- *bff*... now. Thank god no ones around to shovel the sidewalk these days. Better yet, I crushed a certain bug with my fat ass, courtesy of newton. However, hearing more windows break open, I took it as my cue to pull out my .44 revolvers and HAUL ASS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!

Present -

Heh, for lack of a better word, I AM BONED! I only stuck around in the building since I was pretty much cornered. Lets see... Ahh, looks like some certain oil company conveniently left some oil barrels around. I stopped for a moment, letting my momentum slide me on the ice drift I ran onto. Hah, if only I were that slick. Instead, I slipped and fell flat on my ass. *BLAM*... wut. One of my revolvers apparently slipped out of my hand and went off, firing at the... barrels... shit. The last thing I could yell out before being engulfed in flame was "OH YOU GOTTA BE SH-!!" . *KA-BOOM!* Was a sound I have only wanted to hear if it worked for me, but instead physics is being a prick and deciding to send me sliding. Well, on the bright side, it killed the last spiderlings. On the downside, the explosion was not so merciful with me. Mainly because I am one stubborn fuck. Hmph, it didn't even let me finish my sentence. I was sliding across the ice like a hockey puck, unwilling to even bother stopping. Hell, I couldn't move if I wanted to, seeing as how spinning like a bottle on my mini-gun is disorienting.

Groaning, I decided to take action. I took my sickles and thrust them deeply into the ice. Shortly after slowing down,  I started rocking back and forth. Not long afterwards, I had enough momentum to toss myself onto my knees. When I just got off of my ass and stood proudly, I noticed something in the ice. Fractures. "Crk-Crik*. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKK!!! I jumped and ran like the devil himself was after me. not enough. The explosion lauched me near the edge of the ice sheet a good distance from  the snow from earlier, which was the only traction I had out here. Turns out the office was built on shore, and I was a LOOOONNG ways away. Again, I fucking hate Murphy.

*Crick-CRACK!* Shit. The section of ice I was standing caved in and I soon felt the cold as balls water rush me in. I was trying and trying again to cling to something or swim back up, but to no avail. I was even attempting to take off the mini-gun, but the strap was jammed. Strangely though, some feeling was building up in my stomach. I guess this is what it feels like to die. With the last glimmering of light coming from above as no longer felt anything, I gave a sluggish salute to the world up above before my world went white.

[{((O))}]

I awoke a little bit later. I felt... weightless. I also felt wind rushing against me. Opening my eyes, I puffed through a cloud. Wait, Am I going to heaven? Looking behind me, I saw the clouds getting further away. What? Oh no, am I going to hell? Look god, I swear, I may have a different sexual taste and i'll admit to shoplifting beer from that carryout when I was seventeen, but PLEASE don't send me to hell for doing that. I'll do anything I swear. I'll get on my knees if I have - Oh look, trees. And the trees are getting... closer. Wow, that hurts. Not to mention I found out what pinewood tastes like today. *Thump* *Crack* *Crick*. Wow, this really hurts. Again though, last I checked it was Tuesday so-*THUMP*... owww.

I groaned as I slid off of a tree branch and abused my already tattered trench coat. Oh, and It appears I fucked up my leg too. I got up off of the grassy terrain and adjusted my sappy stetson. How did that thing stay on the whole time? The cold air embraced me as I embraced it in the dark of night. I was ready to head out when a combo of head splitting migraine, my leg, and a certain pain in the ass named Issac Newton, I stumbled and tripped. "Great..." I muttered. Well, only one way to fix this. I reached into my inner coat pocket and pulled out a fine flask of whiskey. after a swig... O.K. scratch that, I emptied the damn thing, I eventually stumbled up and began limping away with the combo of cold and alcohol numbing my leg and headache.

After getting back up, I bumbled around for a moment before realizing something. Hmmm... Wasn't I drowning? If this is the afterlife, then why does it hurt? Maybe it was on clearance, that would explain it. Looking around further I saw it was unusually colorful, with a few pairs of glowing yellow eyes in the bushes. Wait, oh fuck me. If I learned anything from wilderness hiking in Canada, its that wolves always take cliche moments to butt in to things. Aaaannd now with the howling. I stumbled back a moment, reaching into my coat pockets. Surprisingly, everything on me was dry, almost like I never fell in the water. My hands were now occupied with beautiful crescent blades gleaming in the moonlight (Sickles are awesome, and the apocalypse gave me plenty of practice).

As the wolves popped out of the bushes I saw one peculiar thing about them. they were covered snout to tail in wood. I couldn't help but face palm at the irony of it all. Timber wolves... heh, got wood? This virus really has a sense of humor. In fact, my  buddy, Johnny, We would call him Yeti 'cause he was a mountain man sort of guy like me, but the difference is, he almost NEVER shaved. Heh, funny thing how nature works.

When the... Timber wolves... started closing in on me, I began counting heads. "One... Three... five, no wait I think I already counted that one... COULD YOU ALL SIT STILL FOR A MINUTE!? JESUS, IM TRYING TO SEE HOW MANY OF YOU THERE ARE!" I yelled in frustration. To my surprise they actually backed away for a moment, some looking shocked, and others just plain confused. 'Here's my chance' I thought as I charged to one unlucky enough to be near me. Despite my leg hurting like a bitch, I tackled him and stabbed my sickles into its chest, and pulled it apart. Tree sap had sprayed onto my chest and I caught one by the face who attempted to charge me and smashed his face into the ground, completely shattering it.

I then pulled out a pair of smoke bombs and tossed them to either side of me. The wolves yelped at the sudden smoke, possibly thinking I may have set the area on fire. I charged to two of them, grabbed them by the necks, and whipped them towards the remaining two. to add effect, I let out a primal roar for shock value. "YEEEEAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!" I screamed, charging forward and bringing my sickles down on two skulls. Granted, one dodged in time, but the other was brought to it's death as I dragged it into the smoke and stomped its corpse into the ground repeatedly. All the remaining wolves ran off whimpering with their tails between their legs. Being cocky as I was, I shouted "Oh look at the big bad wolves! Turns out you're all bark and no bite. Hahaha! that's just a bad joke that had to be said!". What can I say, When I get into fights with anything, I can be dangerous.

With them gone, I pulled the fresh lumber carcasses up to the center of the clearing we fought in and lit it up. I don't smoke, but I always carry a lighter for the metric shit ton of explosives I carry these days. I took a seat on a nearby rock and began taking inventory. two 44. revolvers, two giant custom made clay mores, two 10 mm sub-machine guns with sword-bayonet modifications (And that's thanks to my mobile workshop), Sickles, 5 mm machine gun (Damn reason why I drowned to begin with, thing's like 50 pounds), Remington hunting rifle with scope, Lighter, Clothes(And thank god, I wouldn't want anyone spying my gorgeous prize if anyone else was in the afterlife, now would I?), four flash bangs, two pineapple fragmentation grenades, five pipe bombs, three sticky bombs (Lots of duct tape, firecrackers, and a tin can), fourteen Molotov, couple bags of potato chips, a handful of meat sticks, box of medicinal tea, box of crushed Twinkies (*sniff*, you will be missed), half a two liter of water, anti-biotics (I wonder if its still good to use?), my mobile workshop (Couple of duffle bags hidden in my coat, one with tools such as a wrench and bio-diesel blowtorch, and the other bag with spare parts), Flash light with spare rechargeable batteries, solar battery charger, and my acoustic guitar. Like a anthropomorphic African wild jungle cat once said, Grrreat! Well, when I run out of water I suppose I could drink my piss... nah, I don't wanna steal Bear Grylls thunder.

Soooo, recap. I've got little food, little water, some medical supplies, And a redneck neighborhood's worth of weapons (If I savor my ammo right). In short, I am SO fucked. "Only thing that could make this worse is-" *CRA-KABOOM!*... "...Fuck. Well on the bright side I have water now," I mumbled. I pulled off my coat and hooked it up to some branches to make a rain catcher and double over as shelter when I leaned a few sticks and leaves to it. After I put my two litre under a sleeve, I curled up and sang myself to sleep. "I'm Gonna lay down my sword and shield, down by the riverside, down by the riverside, down~ by the riverside. Im Gonna lay down my sword and shield...".

...

[{((O))}]

...

Mmph, good morning me. Groaning, I made an attempt to get off my ass. Which failed as I felt a sharp pain shoot up my leg, causing me to fall over into the fire pit. Luckily, the fire was long out, and at most I looked like I ran around an active volcano. Carrying myself out of the fire pit and leaning up against a tree, I rolled my pant leg up to get a look. Damn, I think I done broke it. Pulling out a rag from a Molotov, and breaking a branch to an O.K. size, I now had a splint (And more alcohol). Stumbling up, I began to try and put pressure on my leg.

"no... no... OWW! Jesus Christ that HURTS!" O.K., so now I know my limits. Soon enough, I began packing up. My two liter was literally overflowing now although it came at the price of soaking my trench coat. Not long after enjoying a breakfast of rainwater and Twinkie paste, I started mixing some dirt into the fireplace to prevent anything from tracking me, I took a look up. "Hmm... too many god damn tree branches for me to tell the time. Whelp, best get a move on. Lets see... that way should be... so i'll head... this way. Walking, Walking, Walking, Tree, Walking...". I honestly had no idea where the fuck I was going.

You know what? I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but... This forest is unusually colorful. Colorful as in, I just pulled some mushrooms out of cow shit and started chewing on them kind of colorful. I mean, what kind of tree has a fucking outline?I'd say someone slapped me into a childrens' show if it weren't for the violence last night. Not to mention the feel i'm getting off the forest. It just feels... off. When I was a teenager, I woke up in bed to find myself choking. Also had a tall figure looming over me. The next morning, I found something out from my mother. Apparently I have an ability called Impasse, which is passed down from generation to generation. It's considered more of a curse than an actual blessing, seeing as how most people with it are considered schizophrenics and what most could see and feel drives them crazy anyways. People with Impasse can sense, or sometimes see the dead and feel what they feel. My case is seeing their shadows and feeling what they felt in their final moments of life. And my visitor that night was my grandfather. He was... crushed under a semi in an accident.

Changing topic though... It does seem to be getting genuinely lighter. Perhaps i'm getting close to the forest limits. That would probably be both a good thing and a bad thing I guess. Soon enough, I find a rope bridge. Nope, that shit ain't gonna fly.

Looking around, I see tree just tall enough over hanging the canyon.

*Sigh* "Better than nothing," I mumble. Reaching into my mobile workshop bag, I pull out my log cutter axe.

" Whelp, here we go,"

[{((O))}]

Four hours. Four hours of cutting that behemoth. Add an extra 2 for cutting it in half and making the planks stable walking ground for me. And if it's good for me and my equipment, then it could hold a grizzly bear family. After that, I went and continued my journey. If there was a rope bridge out here, then there might be some sign of civilization. A campsite, ranger station, Hell, ANYTHING!

Sooner or later I came across a river with a... Metro-sexual sea serpent?

Really? Really god? Are you seriously trying to pull this shit on me? Gonna have to get up a lot earlier to piss me off. Granted, I didn't have coffee this morning, but even then it takes a lot to piss me off.

I walked up to riverside carefully, ducking behind rocks and bushes to avoid being seen. This mutant is weird. Is he... seriously filing his fucking claws?

Nope. Not having any of this shit. I'm done with life. Go fuck with someone else.

I popped out from behind the rock, readying my mini-gun to get this shit over with before I hear an 'oh my' come from the dragon.

Wow, I would have killed a sentient mutant just because he was a flaming butt pirate. Would have been worth it though just so I could stop seeing that thing comb it's damn mustache.

" And what are you, a naked diamond dog?" He asked with a smirk.

Aside from the insult, considering the fact he's a... gentleman (Priss is more like it), I cleared my throat, readying my 'sir' voice.

" Good morrow to you old chap!" I cheeriod. " I'm a traveler from a distant land who's come to explore this nation and it's natural environments. However, It seems as though I've run across this here river, and I require assistance. Perhaps a big strong and magnificent fellow like you could help me across?" I ask

" Oh my, what flattery," He giggled.

I'm curious about when this guy got his nutsack cut off.

" Well, I suppose I could let you across. Just try not to chip any of my scales," He said happily.

[{((O))}]

After being man handled by gayzilla, I continued my path for finding somewhere to build up a more permanent base. I could ask the serpent if he could point me in the direction to the nearest town but... I don't wanna catch ' fabulosity syndrome'. Aside from questioning his sexuality, at least I think it's guy, although i'm not sure, He didn't seem half bad. He did help me save time by not making a raft.

Eventually, I come up to a big ass stonewall. Oh, and it was connected to a big fucking castle ruin. I began making my way around the castle to find and entrance. "Huh, hole in the wall. And I can fit. that ought to work," After shoving my ass through the hole like most would with a USB in a computer after getting frustrated, I find myself a nice walk away from castle doors. Fuck man, These doors were hard to push by my standards. And I once tossed an entire freshly chopped tree from my backyard woods like a hot potato (Pulled a muscle though, had to go to the hospital. Rule 18# Limber up). Well, I found the source of the dark feeling. This place is fucking oozing with death. Main room, which also happens to be the throne room, is a little beyond repair for my tools.

Taking a jog through the castle, I see one thing I just absolutely love when I bump into the Armory. Metal, Metal as far as the eye can. And a forge to work with. "SQUUEEE!!!". Admittedly, that was girly, but my training at medieval camp is going to kick in. At camp, not only was I the only one able to duel-wield two handed weapons effectively (Such as War hammers. I swear to god I put cracks in the earth with those), I was also unusually adept with forge work.

Unfortunately, I still need to move around the castle if I wanna know it better. Next room up was the treasury. Huh, whoever left was obviously in a hurry. In the middle of the chamber was a sizeable pile of gold coins. "Hubba Hubba, I'm eating steak tonight,"  I cheered with a grin. This is absolutely fucking amazing. I've got gold, And the forge. What else, a Library? Or maybe a mages tower? Jesus christ man, i'm honestly expecting to run into a dragon here. Jogging around some more I find more places (That were intact), a barracks, library (Kind of shocked I was right actually. the natives had a place for magic too. huh.), kitchens, dining room, food storage, Master bedroom (Although the sheets, pillows, and blankets were gone all together), and the courtyard.

Courtyard is apparently occupied by a mass of Forrest green scales and brown spines resting atop a horde of gems and gold... why are my expectations always right? I hate it. No, not the right word. I despise it. I want to slice Murphies' throat open and shit down his neck hole. And I just had Indian food last night. One thing I'll yell loudly and proudly. FUCK YOU MURPHY!!! Although, maybe I shouldn't disturb her. I say her because anything with a dick could tell you its a she. That and I suppose the eyelashes gave it away. I should do it though since I don't want future surprises. Then again... It might not be a sentient mutant. But if I do wake up and it tries to kill me, then i'm going to have to curb stomp an asshole i'm well acquainted with in life. Hmm, what should I do? Brain?

Meh, It would be wise to wake her up to let her know she's got neighbors. Also, could you drink that beer in your coat pocket please? It's taunting me and im starting to get sore.

You listen to brain and I will break out your dick with a crowbar. You know how hard it is to pass that shit through? ITS AS HARD AS THE FUCKING ROCKIES!!!

Whoa, kidney, just chill. I was just asking him if he could-

NO!!! FUCK YOU!!! I will take spleen as a hostage if this shit keeps up!!! Liver agrees with me too! If this shit happens one more time, I'm going on strike!!! You all are tearing me APART!!!

....About the dick breaking part, don't I have a say in this?

... Yeah, sorry I guess I was just having a bit of some pent up rage released. Im serious though, Im sick of Cervantes chugging whiskey like its tap water is all.

Not to mention sticking me in places I didn't even know existed whenever he's drunk. Like that one time at that farm in Idaho-

We will never speak of that again!

...Heart?

I say let her sleep. It would be best to keep the lady resting. After all, it is the nice thing to do.

Stomach?

Food.

Alright, My mind is made up. Now where's a big fucking stick when you need it?

Tragical Comedy

Chapter 3

Tragical Comedy

Date: 11/24/2037

Time: Middle of the night

Location: Everfree Forrest (On path to Castle of the Sisters Rhode castle)

Cervantes POV

Not long after dropping the ponies off at the edge of the forrest, I started walking back to the castle thanks to my handy dandy Impasse. I talked to Ulysses about our situation. Other than the suggestion that Samus and Leo maybe coming around too, he's been pretty quiet. Man, Apocalypse must have fucked him up bad. Seeing him like this is unusual. He was always cheerfull, always trying to get everyone to smile when he was a kid. He went to Nevada for showbuisness since he always was a great comedian. But now? All I see is an empty shell. Prime example of what I was telling that unicorn earlier.

And that's not gonna fly in my air port

"... Hey Ulysses?" I Ask

Nothing.

" Maybe you need a joke to cheer you up,"

Still nothing. *Sigh* Here it goes.

" So, An englishmen, An irishmen, and a scottsman go to the bar," I begin. " And all three of them order a pint of beer. When their glasses arrive, a fly lands in each of their drinks simutaneously. The englishmen refuses it and orders another drink. The irishmen brushes the fly off the foam of his beer and continues to drink it. The scotsman grabs the fly by the wings and says ' Alright, spit it out you wee bastard' ,"

... Still nothing.

" Alright, here's another one-" I begin before he interrupted me.

" You think thats what it's going to take to cheer me up? A little joke? I killed innocent people Cervantes, you still think you're gonna be able to cheer me up? Do ya? I killed people looking for safety, and after a countless amount of death, I had a 14 year-old kid put a slug in my chest when I finally got too cocky. A 14 year-old! You opened my eyes so now i'm going to open yours'. Wake the hell up! We're in a storybook world, With magical talking horses, And mythological creatures! I tore a freaking MANTICORE apart with my chainsaw when I got here! Not to mention what I did to those wolves! They didn't find me, I found them! And I was the one to attack since they were too busy shitting themselves at my appearance! This world was nearly god damn innocent before we arrived! I went around killing woodland creatures, not for food, not out of defense, but for fun! I'm a monster! All I wanted in life was to make people smile!" He yelled.

" All I wanted was to make people smile... Be the one to get their days brightened..." He cried.

Are those... tears? Oh man, big brother mode activating.

" Look at yourself," I began " Hell, Look at me! No one is perfect man! You think you're the only one who fucked up in life? You're talking to the guy who used to treat you and Samus like shit. I partyed all day and drank, leaving you guys to fend for yourself, and whenever I got mad I took it out on you and your sister! I'm suprised to this day that none of you called Childrens Social Services!... Remember Rodger?"

He looks up to me with confusion " The family dog? Yeah, when we were little you said he ran off, although I can understand he died somehow. What's this got to do with anything?"

"... I was the one who killed him. I took him out back while you guys were sleeping one night and took my rage out on him in a drunken haze," I softly spoke through grit teeth. " I kept beating him and beating him till he stopped moving. After a while, I tried to get him to move, but It was no use. So I buried him under the old pear tree. Ever since then I've realised what a monster I became and picked my shit together. If you realise what you've done is wrong, then you get you're act together and start fresh. Granted, I'm not saying you should forget those you've killed, i'm just saying you should forgive yourself, and start anew." I ended, tears softly running down my face.

" ... Damn..." He croaked.

There was silence between us for quite some time, not sure what to do as we sat there for some time. Eventually, I took initiative to embrace him in a bear hug.

" Jesus man, put me down!" He yelled, startled by my sudden actions as his feet started to dangle.

" Nah. You may be a grown man but I still raised you," I laughed.

" And I could kick your hide," Ulysses growled.

" In your dreams, Little bro," I bellowed afterwards.

After dropping him on the ground, I decided to wiped my tears away with my welder gloves.

" ...  Sooo... Are we just gonna call these tears liqiud pride?"

" ... Yeah, let's just go with that,"

" ... Oh by the way,"

" ... What is it?"

" You do realise that joke was so old that the expiration date says it went bad last year, right?" He spoke softly with a grin.

" Heh, Got anything better?" I asked, with a hint of curiosity as to what he had in store for me.

" Enough that if it were real food, you just might actually be able to feed Africa," He said with a grin.

Oh shit, here we go.

[{((O))}]

" Oh my god my sides! It KILLS!" I laughed maniacly with tears streaming down my face.

" Just remember," Ulysses said with a devious grin " Give the white horse a banana and you're safe,"

" Hahahaha! Where do you come up with this shit!?" I ask, struggling to breath.

" Combination of Craigslist and Schizophrenia, with just a dash of racist rainbow" He bellowed with a grin.

Eventually, we stopped at the castle gates.

" Hey, is this the place?" He asked, interrupting my fit of mania.

" Y-yeah, this is... it" I gasped with no breath remaining.

" Sheesh, where the hell is a dragon when you need it?" He asked with a grin.

" She's in the courtyard actually, I'm sure you'll like her," I bellow after catching my breath

It's good to be able to inhale oxygen regularly.

" You're serious," He said with a deadpan expression.

I nod my head to his statement.

" Well, It's nice to have a roommate that's most likely going to clean our fridge out every week," He said before his eyes lit up.

" Hey... do you think she would mind if she found out the amount of dragons i've killed on Skyrim?"

[{((O))}]

After giving him the grand tour of the castle, I decided to let him sleep the master bedroom. I had just opened the door to the courtyard.

" Lily, Im home~," I sing out cheerfully.

" Whuh, you're back? I saw that bastard of a drake flying out earlier so I knew you did you're job, but I honestly didn't expect you to make it out of the ordeal alive,"

" You really think i'm that easy to get rid of?" I Asked her.

*Sigh* " I suppose this means you'll be around more often?"

" Eeyup,"

" Well, I suppose it would be nice to have a charmng fellow like you around," She asked, batting her eyelashes.

Hey buddy, you remember our conversation earlier? The one about interspecies being a no-no? Right, well what part do you not understand that this is WRONG!!! This is even worse actually! You aren't even in the same sections of the ANIMAL KINGDOM!

I don't honestly suppose this matters, If your in love, your in love.

Food.

Stomach has a point, go ahead and march that hill soldier! Just... not today. In time, say... a year. Or something like that.

Just don't drink yourself into doing it please.

Alright Alright. Sheesh, you guys sound like dad before he left. Like I would ever tap that. I'm going to stick to my species and that's that.

" Well... I found some one along the way. I hope you like him, his behavior may take some adjusting to though," I added

" Oh, and who could this be?" She asked with a curious gaze, dropping the lustfull attitude

" My brother. I'm sure you'll be O.K. with him, but he can be a bit... Chaotic," I gestured with my finger swirling in loops at the side of my head to get the point across.

" Understandable... But he's going to have to do something for me tomorrow as well. Tell him I'll give him details about it in the morning,"

" No problem," I grunted and saluted afterwards.

After that, I shut the door behind me and proceeded to one of the master bedrooms. The one with a crescent moon on it, so I could be close to my brother while he rested behind the door with a sun on it. Upon entering however... I think I found the source of my Impasse detector going haywire. Well, best get cleansing the demons.

" Hello? Anyone in here? I can sense you, so it's no use to hide right now," I bellow, not really caring about volume.

There was a shift in the shadows for a brief moment before a shadowy figure appeared. It was shaped like those ponies with a horn, but had a pair of bat wings. The figure was... giving off nothing. No feeling their death what so ever. Odd.

" You... can sense... me? " It hissed, barely as loud as a whisper.

This must be one powerful spirit if i'm able to hear it.

" I can also hear you as well, although it's barely louder than a whisper," I speak softly, so as I don't startle the guy with my voice that much.

" That's... Interesting... The last being who... could talk to me was... the one who used to... live in this room... " It spoke.

" Well, I'm a human by the name of Cervantes, and seeing as how no one is roaming this castle anymore, me and my brother decided to bunk up in this place and get it fixed up," I chuckled, glad to make a new friend for the Nth time today.

" I'm... Nighmare Moon... It is a pleasure... to meet you... "

" As is a pleasure for me to meet you. As I said though, I will be sleeping here tonight. If you prefer being alone though then I understand, but the other rooms need fixing up first," I whisper, laying down on the weather stained mattress.

The figure nodded it's approval before dissipating.

And that's about when I had my first dream in this rainbow land.

Fun fact: I'm also a lucid dreamer.

[{((O))}]

I sat there, all alone in the desert. I may be a lucid dreamer but I've always preferred this. Especially the sandstorm. It gives me a... calm of some sort. Helps me collect my thought. In other words, It's a form of meditation. I was sitting here, collecting my thoughts when, I felt another presence. As soon as I felt it, the storm suddenly stopped, as if it was never there. In fact, my entire area was reduced to a green pasture with chirping birds in the background

" Why are you here? I don't enjoy it when people disrupt my meditation," I Bellow, turning around to see my invader.

She was similar to Nightmare Moon, aside from the feathered wings instead of bat-wings.

" What are you? I have never seen something quite like you. And the energy you give off is... worrying," She queried, keeping a stance of caution.

" I am a human, and my name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode," I Bellow.

" Strange... My name is Luna, and I am princess of the night," Luna spoke.

" Sooo... why are you in my dreams?" I ask.

" I felt your dreams were in a dark sense and figured I should help you as I do all of my subjects. Although upon arriving in your dreams, you seem to have a similar energy signature me and my sister felt earlier. So I'm going to ask now, why are you in Equestria,"

That name... too familiar... Where the hell is that from?

" O.K., One, I'm a lucid dreamer, so I don't really need help in that field. Two, I'm not exactly in Equestria because I want to be. I was shipped here via strange flash of light which dropped me out of the sky. If anything, your world is a completely new territory for me. If anything, It's been helping out though as well as throwing shit in my face. On the upside, I have increased healing factor, my natural abilities such as... well its classified, have increased in power sharply. I even have my own castle. Granted it's in disrepair, and it's kind of far off from civilization-"

" Wait, did you say castle?"

" Uhh, yeah?"

" And it's far off from civilization?"

" ... Yeah? What about it?"

" ... You wouldn't happen to be in the Everfree, would you?"

" Actually, yeah I am. Why?"

" Why would you be out there? The nature around there is chaotic, And evil lurks within every shadow,"

" Well to put it simply, Why not? My kind is extremely adaptable. Granted, i'm probably going to have a rough start, but i'll survive. The world i'm from happens to be rather similar to this forests nature, so i'll probably be more comfortable out here with that in mind. Then there's food and water to worry about. I came across a river a while ago, and the forest can supply me with all of the game and wild vegetables me and my brother would need. As for other needs such as toilet paper, plumbing, electricity, that sort of thing, we would probably trade with any nearby towns for proper supplies. And when trouble arises, I could either talk my way out of it. If there's no reasoning, I know for a fact me and my brother can stand our own in a fight. In short, i'm no pussy. I know what i'm doing and I know I can survive. Got any other questions princess?" I finish.

" Well... i'm curious. What exactly are your abilities?" She asked with a curious gaze.

" Well, i'm good with heavy weapons, such as my swords and Clementine."

" Clementine?"

" It's the name I gave my mini-gun. I also have an unusually fast healing factor, explosives, high pain-tolerance, high alcohol tolerance, my mobile workshop which has allowed me to fix things up on the go and help me with construction, enough strength to take a tree down with brute force, aaaand... well i'm not gonna say the last one,"

" Why not?"

" We're gonna drop it there, or I force myself to wake up which would leave you without information. Your call,"

" Or I could just send guards out into the forest to take you back to me and my sisters castle,"

" That wouldn't exactly be fair,"

" Life isn't fair, your call,"

" No, I mean that wouldn't be fair for the guards. I'd take them down like holiday decorations. They've got family and everything so imagine what i'd be forced to do to them,"

" Are you questioning my guards capabilities?"

" ... Mayyybee~," I reply, not bothering to hide my thoughts as I gave her a wide ass grin.

" Very well, I suppose It is time for you to wake up. My guards are coming right as we speak,"

" So it's a date!" I cheer, clapping my gloved hands together.

" Yes... wait, what?"

[{((O))}]

I got up, blinking for a moment. If she's really sending out troops, then I gotta get me and Ulysses hooked up. Bumbling out of my new room in a groggy state, I knocked on the door with the sun.

" Yo! Rise and shine ass hat, we're about to have company!"