Will My Soul Ever Rest in Peace?

by 2006midnight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Slice of Life
Length: 1106

Luna has been back in Equestria after her banishment for quite a few years, but still feels like she isn't the same pony she was before Nightmare Moon back when she and Celestia were young.

Luna has been back in Equestria for quite a few years. However, she still feels like she is missing something. Almost like a part of who she was went away with Nightmare Moon when the Elements brought her back. But what?

Written for One-shotober.

Published 2014-09-29 02:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-29 02:00:05 UTC

Crippled Inside

Princess Luna watched from her balcony as her sister completed the sunrise. Once the last few rays of golden light had cleared the horizon, the princess of the night turned and strode back into her chambers. She looked toward her bed for a moment before walking over to her couch. After removing her regalia, the dark blue alicorn sat down and leaned back against the pillows. I’ve been back for almost five years, and yet, most ponies are still afraid of me. No matter what I do, it seems that they will all still continue to see me as a monster.

Ever since that day Nightmare Moon was stripped away from me, I’ve been searching for a sanctuary within myself. Someplace where I can withdraw from the hate and disapproval of everypony in Equestria. But all I can find is emptiness. I know I’m weak, but even as unstable as I am on the inside, I continue trying to pretend otherwise. Each and every day I put on a mask of bravery and resilience. I don’t even really know why I do so. I suppose it’s because I don’t want Celestia to suffer by seeing me in pain.

The only things I have left to hold on to are memories. Memories of when Tia and I were fillies. When we didn’t have the weight of the world on our shoulders. Never again will I ever be able to feel so carefree, so innocent. I lost any chance of that when I let my jealousy take over. When I became a monster.

Now, I’m petrified and lonely. I can’t ask Tia for help since I keep assuring her that nothing’s wrong. Somehow, I must find a way to fix this on my own. It feels like I’m crippled on the inside. No matter what I do, this feeling of nothingness won’t go away. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever feel alive and whole again. Becoming Nightmare Moon took away so much of my will to fight that I’m not sure if I’ve got the courage to chase after my true self.

For quite a few nights now, I’ve been bathing my soul in the light from the moon and stars, hoping that some small part of the truth might be revealed. Alas, just as I had expected, nothing happened. I’ve even tried to heal my wounds under the sun, but I still get the same resulting disappointment as with everything else I’ve tried. I’ve reached the point where the only thing I can do is scream. Scream out my pain for all of Equestria to hear.

I’m losing my grip on reality. All I can do is continue to ask, why? Why me? Why am I doomed to be forever left to wallow in my misery alone? And most of all, why did I have to let my jealousy get to me so much in the first place? Why did I let myself become Nightmare Moon?

All of these are questions that I shall never know the answers to. Such answers are impossible to truly fathom in any case. I wonder if there will ever come a time where I can find a peace of mind. I’m tired of constantly having the feeling of always being the one that everypony else does their best to avoid at all costs. I’m tired of being used to terrify children in stories. Somehow I need to find a way to rise above all of this fear and hatred. I must find that strength within myself, and use it to discover the part of me that is missing.

Ever since the ponies of Equestria took a liking to Celestia rather than me over a thousand years ago, I’ve been constantly in pain. The only thing that’s changed has been the level of intensity of that pain. Constantly, I’m being haunted by the memories of that one fateful night all those years ago. They hound me all hours of the day and night especially my dreams. No matter how hard I shove them away, they always return, stronger than ever before. Just like how I can’t get past the emptiness. Every time I find something to fill that space, even for just a moment, the empty feeling always returns, worse than before.

Luna raised her head off of her pillow slightly, as she began to cry. The tears cascaded down out of her eyes like waterfalls. Why is it so hard for me to fill that gap? Why can’t I find peace within myself? Will I always feel like I’m still a monster? Will it even matter if I find what I’m missing? Isn’t it already too late for ponies to accept me for who I am now?

I can feel the familiar ache in my chest. It’s one that I’ve felt almost exclusively ever since I was on the moon. This crippled soul of mine is yearning to be free and find love. Yearning to find that peace of mind. Wanting nothing more than to no longer be the hated monster that everypony despises. If only I had the courage to rise up and find that missing part of me.

Loud, choking sobs began to echo around Luna’s chambers as her sobbing increased in intensity. If I could even be halfway toward being whole once more, then I think I’d at least be brave enough to face the ponies of Equestria. To show them that I’ve changed. That I no longer want to take over from my sister, and plunge the world into eternal night. The one and only thing I want right now, is to be seen as the equal of my sister and be given, if not the same, then a similar level of respect.

Luna started as she heard a knock on her door. “Sister? Are you alright?” Celestia. I can’t deal with her right now.

Quickly burying her head in her pillow to hide her tears, Luna let her breathing slow until she appeared to be asleep. She heard the door open and Celestia’s hoofsteps as she entered. “Oh, sister. Why can’t you sleep like a normal pony Lulu?” Celestia chuckled as she spotted her little sister. Luna felt a blanket laid upon her, and had to struggle to keep back more tears.

“Sweet dreams, little sister.” Celestia walked back out of her sister’s chambers.

Luna stayed where she was until she was absolutely certain that Celestia was no longer nearby. Only then did she raise her tear-streaked face, and look at the door. Oh Tia, will my soul ever rest in peace?