I'll P.T. You All Until You F****** Die!

by Sgt GobSmacker

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4227

Canterlot High gets a certain Gunnery Sergeant as a substitute gym class teacher.

When the gym class teacher breaks her leg during a martial arts session, Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna have to turn to someone they didn't want to turn to from the beginning.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

Rated 'TEEN!(?)'
Expect swearing. Lots and LOTS of swearing, and also sexual humour.
Set within the Equestria Girls universe. Set before events of Sunset Shimmer's downfall.

Published 2014-09-22 15:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-22 23:28:19 UTC

Torro Torro

"Okay."

...

She sighed. "Thank you anyway."

...

"Bye, bye."

Celestia set her phone down on the desk and released a sigh of frustration, leaning back on her swivel chair. She felt like ripping her hair out. The only thing stopping her was thinking of the pain she would have to endure afterwards.

She leaned forward and face planted on the desk. 'Why did Spitfire even need to do those martial art lessons?!' she thought. She turned her head sideways, viewing the pictures of Sunset Shimmer's Fall Formal pictures. It was bad enough she had Sunset to deal with, but trying to get a substitute for physical training class was harder than she thought. Of course she's had to hire substitute teutors in the past, but not a P.E teacher. Gym teachers were harder to come by in the area, only a handful lived in the county, and oddly enough, they were all injured. 'Could be a coincidence...'

The door creaked open. Celestia looked up to see Luna walking in. "Hello, Luna." She grumbled.

Luna looked at her with a bit of concern. "I take it you haven't found a substitute as of yet?"

Celestia shook her head. "No, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be..."

"Harder?" Luna asked incredulously. "You've hired substitutes in the past few years, have you not?"

"I have." Celestia supported her head on her right arm. "But never a P.E. teacher."

Luna contemplated, stroking her chin in thought, before an idea graced itself in her mind. "I think I know who just to call." She took her phone out her pocket, and began dialing in the number.

"Who are you call-" Luna stuck up her pointer finger in a 'give me a second' gesture. Celestia rolled her eyes, tapping her finger on the desk.

Luna put the device up to her ear, a smile made itself known on her face. "Yes. Hello-" But that smile was gone as soon as it had came. "Bloody voice mail..."

Celestia glanced around, a look of anxiety coming over her. She really, really! Did not want to do what she was about to do... but she had to. Physical exercise was important, it was more or less compulsory at Canterlot High. Celestia picked her phone off of the desk, turned it on and scrolled through her contacts. Luna raised an eyebrow. 'She must've gone through everyone by now... so who is she call-' Luna's eyes widened with dread, her pupils turning to pin pricks.

An obviously fake smile adorned Celestia's lips as the reciever answered the call. "Oh! Hello Eric."

Luna remembered that name all too well. 'Oh please God no!'

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"It's Celestia..." Celestia bit her lip.

"Oh yeah. Listen, if this is 'bout our last meeting than I apologize-."

"Oh no, there's no need for apology! That's in the past now." Celestia faked a laugh.

"Oh- wait hold on a second." Celestia raised an eyebrow when she heard the sound of stomping on the other side.

{}{}{}{Other Side}{}{}{}

The boy dropped his donut as the man stormed over to him. "Did your mommy and daddy allow you to eat jelly donuts during dinner time?!" The man bellowed, his voice a gruff, southern-ish accent.

"N-o, sir." The boy's eyes began to water.

"Then don't do it during history class!" The man scolded, walking back to his desk.

{}{}{}{Previous}{}{}{}

"What was that about?" Celestia inquired.

"Nothing to get yourself worked over with." He sighed. "So tell me... What do you want?"

"Well..." Celestia was really uncomfortable about doing this, but it had to be done. She put on a look of a determination. "I was wondering if you could cover in for our P.E. teacher-"

"P.E?!"

"-Spitfire. She suffered a broken leg at martial arts training." Outside, Celestia would be grateful if he turned up. On the inside, however, she was praying to whatever god was up there that he wouldn't show up.

"I'll be damned! I'll get to teach somethin' I actually enjoy!... but...-"

Celestia crossed her fingers in hope. 'Please say no! Please say no! Please say n-!'

"How much will you be paying me?"

Canterlot High's principal barely surpressed a groan of aggravation. "Nine dollars an hour." She deadpanned.

"Decent enough. It's my last day here anyw- Why you little scumbag! " Celestia's eyes widened in surprise at the remark she faintly heard. She knew it wasn't directed at her, as she could her soft wailing going on in the background. She was starting to really reconsider her choice.

"So... will tomorrow morning be a sufficient enough time to start?"

"Y-es-s." Celestia stuttered. A hint of curiousity sparked in her eyes. "What age group are you teaching at the moment?"

"Fourth graders. Why?"

Celestia began chuckling nervously. "No reason. No reason at all."

"Bu-"

"I'll see you tomorrow morning." She concluded. "I'm in a bit of a hurry at the moment." She lied, trying to get out of this conversation as soon as possible.

"Alright. See ya then." He hung up.

Celestia face planted for the second time that day. 'If that's what he's like to fourth graders then I'm afraid what he'll be like with high school students...'

"Who did you call up?" Luna whimpered fearfully, not wanting to hear the answer.

Celestia sighed. "Gunnery Sergeant Hartman."

Author's Note

Did this chapter within the day, so let me know if it feels rushed.

You Hire the Bull...

{:Next Morning:}

He drove up along slowly in his banged up Citroen AX, eying the deep magenta colored school off to his right. His face contorted into one of intrigue as he noted the designs and peculiar markings around the windows, raising an eyebrow at the horse statue in front of the school.

'Should've expected this...' He mentally sighed. 'A school with a horse pun needed to have a horse statue...'

"The most fucked up school in the county... if not the country." He pulled the break, taking his foot off of the accelerator. Hartman looked on skeptically at the parked cars in front of him. 'Surely they have a parking lot here? Right?' He gazed at both sides of the school, shaking his head in disbelief. "They don't have a parking lot here!" He punched the center of the steering wheel, making the horn go off rather loudly. "Out- fucking-standing!"

He twisted the keys in the ignition, turning off the engine. He took the keys out and stuffed them into the pocket of his uniform's trousers. Hartman made his way out of the beaten car. 'Shit. Almost forgot!' He grabbed his hat off of the passenger seat and stuck it on his head.

He was now official.

As Hartman closed the door, the faint taps of shoes hitting the concrete path graced his ancient eardrums.

"I should've known you would have been early, Eric." Hartman know that voice, it was a sweet, motherly type of voice that a parent would use on their child.

Hartman wasn't a child though, far from it.

"I'm never late for lessons, Celestia." He turned to face his close, personal...
...
... acquaintance, standing by the opposite side of the car. That lovely mop of multicolored hair that looked and felt like silk. Those beautiful fuchsia eyes. The nice.. well rather tall figure was stunning. She looked like an angel in most people's eyes...but not Eric Hartman's. To him, she was a giant that needed to be slain. She most definitely squeezed in a few inches over him.

"How's life? Your husband doing well?" He asked, strolling along slowly up to the school. Celestia followed up after him.

"I'm doing good, the kids are starting their first day at kindergarten tomorrow." She paused. "... My husband has been left quite a lot to think about after that verbal beat down you gave him two weeks ago." A small smile tugged at her lips. "Though, safe to say, he's been spending more time with me and the kids." She chuckled, thinking about the events prior to that. "How about you? Do you have anything to contribute?" Celestia walked up the steps and opened the main doors.

Hartman stroked his chin in thought. "Not much lately, my wife's still in hospital after falling down the stairs."

"Is she going to be okay?" She inquired, sympathy in her voice. She went aside to let Hartman through.

"Thank you..." He mumbled, stepping inside. "After that spinal injury, I say she won't. But Anya is tough, she'll live alright." He took a brief look of his new surroundings. A display of trophies was off to his left, showing off the schools glories behind a thin pane of glass. Two hallways went off to both sides of the lobby. Student's lockers riddled the sides of the corridors, with the odd doorway in between sets of the metal cabinets that lead into the classrooms.

"Where's..." Hartman snapped his fingers together, trying to remember an important name. "... the blue one." But ultimately, failed.

"You mean, Luna?" Hartman nodded. "She's at her office. Want to go see her?" She jabbed a thumb over her shoulder.

"No, no, no. I'll see her at lunch." A tiny amount of curiosity dawned on his face. "When's P.T. start?"

"I have the timetables on my phone..." Celestia trailed on, taking the device out of her pocket. "... hold on." She scrolled up and down and pressed a few buttons, before reaching her goal. "There we go... Okay, you have the eleventh graders from 9:40 to 11 o'clock. You have ninth graders from 11:15 to 11:55, twelfth graders from 11:55 to 1:15 and finally, you have the tenth graders from 2:35 to 3:55."

"Eh, I've worked longer." Hartman stretched his back, a few satisfying pops resounded across the lobby, making Celestia cringe in disgust.

"Well, if you need anything, Eric, I'll be in my office. Just... don't be too hard on my students." That last sentence was desperate, and Hartman knew it.

"I'll make sure I don't go easy on 'em either." Met at an impasse, left at an impasse. Celestia nodded, walking off down the right hallway, toward her office.

"Feel free to wander around before class starts!" She called out, before entering her room, closing the door with a hefty bang.

"Might as well get comfortable with my surroundings..." Hartman muttered under his breath, walking down the left hallway.

{Three Hours and Five Minutes Later: 9:38 AM}

{Gym Hall}

"-and try not to step out of line, he can get rather..." Luna paused, thinking of the right word to use. "Upset." That was the understatement of the century and she knew it.

"Just try and be on your best behavior and you'll get along fine with him." Celestia concluded. It was at this moment that the man himself chose to walk in.

"Students, this is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman." He tipped his drill instructor hat toward the pupils.

********

"He's a lot older than I expected." Rainbow Dash whispered.

"How's he even gonna do P.E?" Applejack replied just as softly, skeptical at this revelation.

Rarity leaned forward on the bench, looking at them with an eyebrow raised. "Now, now. We wouldn't to judge him by his looks alone now would we?" She spoke quietly, looking at Hartman whilst he was talking with the principles. "I mean, look at his uniform!" Applejack and Rainbow turned their heads toward him. "From what I can see, there is barely any creases whatsoever. How does he do it?"

'She's in one of her states again...'. Rainbow shook her head in disbelief, looking at Hartman. 'Out of everyone else, we got this old fart!' An exasperated sigh escaped past her lips, she massaged her temples.

"I just hope he's nice." Fluttershy mumbled, looking down. "Spitfire wasn't all that good to me."

"Aw, cheer up Fluttershy!" Pinkie whispered loudly, wrapping an arm over Fluttershy's shoulders. "He could be one of those nice teachers that don't get themselves worked over a tiny mishap." Understatement of the millennium right there folks!

"I hope so."

********

"See you in teachers lounge at break, Eric." Celestia proceeded to exit the gym hall. Luna nodded, a very awkward and strained smile on her face. Inside, Luna was praying for the safety of the students for the oncoming hell they would have to endure with Hartman.

Hartman grunted in acknowledgement. The double doors leading into the hall closed with a satisfying click. 'Time to teach these brats the definition of lively.'

He turned to look at his class. A stern look graced itself over his features. "Alright! Enough lazing around, get up onto your feet!" The class stood up almost immediately, they weren't expecting an outburst. "Half the class go the opposite side of the hall!" He pointed to his right.

They walked over. Something Hartman didn't like. "Faster! Move your asses!" They jogged, their eyes holding small laces of fear. The students straightened their posture.

"Alright... Now we can begin officially." He walked slowly down the middle of the hall, his hands behind his back. "I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your new P.T. class tutor. From now on you will speak only when spoken too, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'sir!'. Do you maggots understand that?" The pupils of Canterlot High had no idea what was going on, but chose to follow along.

"Sir, yes, sir!" They mix of female voices shouting with the boys was unfamilier to Hartman's ears, as he only ever taught boys within the Corp. This was his first P.T. class in a long time.

"Bullshit! I can't hear you!" Some students cringed at the swear, some nearly burst out laughing, especially Pinkie.

"Sir, Yes, Sir!"

Hartman walked over to Sunset Shimmer, and got right into her face. "What's your name, scumbag?"

Sunset kept her face as straight as she could. "Sir, Sunset Shimmer, sir!"

He glanced up at her hair. "Bullshit! From now on you're Bacon Sizzler, do you like that name?"

Sunset was trying very hard not to snap out at him. "Sir, yes, sir!"

"This is a joke..." Hartman turned around immediately, fire in his eyes.

"Who said that?" He stormed over to the other side. "Who the fuck said that!? Who's the slimy little twinkle toed cum-guzzling cocksucker down here who just signed their own expulsion papers!?" He looked between, Trixie and Flash Sentry. No one answered him. "Nobody huh?!" Silence. "The fairy-fucking-godmother said it?! Out-fucking-standing!" He threw his arms up in the air. "I will P.T. you all until you fucking die!" Fluttershy was getting increasingly more scared by the second. "I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking butter milk!"

Hartman grabbed Flash by the the collar of his shirt. "Was it you, you scroungy little fuck?! Huh?!

Flash found this whole experience very frightening. Very frightening indeed. "Sir, no, sir!" Hartman got into his face.

"You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm! I bet it was you!" Trixie was getting more and more nervous.

"Sir, Trixie said it, sir!" She gave in. Hartman stopped shaking Flash around like a maraca, and walked slowly over to her.

"Well... no shit. What have we got here, a fucking swagger?" He couldn't bring himself to punch a girl... so he did the next best thing. Karate chopping her shoulder. Trixie hissed in agony, putting pressure to the area of pain. Hartman pointed at her accusingly. "If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ, Twix Bar!" Some students hissed out some air at the insult he used. "Now let go your shoulder!" Trixie did so, tears welling up in her eyes. "I've got your name! I've got your ass! There's no leaving these classes until you learn by the numbers I will be teaching you!" Hartman walked down over to five certain girls. Trixie was left there sniffling, trying her best not to cry.

Pinkie caught his attention instantly, due to the mass of pink, that was and made, Pinkie Pie. "You look like a piece of chewed bubble-gum. What's your name?"

"Sir, Pinkie Pie, sir!"

"Holy dog shit! Your name's a pun!" He was gobsmacked. "Did your parent's have any form of imagination!?"

"Sir, no, sir!" Pinkie was hurt by the question, but she kept her face as steely as possible.

"Well, from now on, your going for Clit!" Pinkie as with every other student in the room blushed a tomato red. Pinkie was trying not to laugh, instead, a small grin tugged at her lips.

"Do you think I'm cute, Clit? Do you think I'm funny?!" Hartman questioned.

"Sir, no, sir!"

"Then wipe that disgusting looking grin off your face, before I gauge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!"

Pinkie was trying to contain her laughter, but this was laughter that she couldn't even contain.
...
As with everyone else in the room.

They were going to regret that. Big time.

Author's Note

This is before their friendships came to a close, so this is well before the movie.

...You Get the Horns

The rambunctious guffawing of the class continued on for what seemed like minutes at best, thanks to Pinkie's rather contagious laughter. Some students were wheezing from how much they had laughed, whilst others were on the ground all together, tears of mirth escaping their eyes like a dam had been burst in their tear ducts.

Fluttershy's eyes had now turned to pinpricks. Her breath hitched her throat for how ever long her classmates were spreading their howls of mirth. She was literally shaking on the spot. As of now, she was waiting for the oncoming fury of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

Rarity wasn't impressed, her face was still beet red after the rather... vulgar choice of words Hartman had used on Pinkie, or 'Clit' as he referred her as of now. She looked down at her feet, embarressed. Not only at herself, but her friends and the entire class.

Sunset wasn't liking this. At all. The sheer amount of anger that was building inside of her over Pinkie's immature nature was mind blowing. Despite her vision going a slight bit red, she managed to keep her face as steely as possible, knowing full well on what was about to transpire.

Applejack was chuckling like crazy, but that stopped as soon as she saw Hartman's expression as he gazed in all directions. Applejack laughed nervously, trying to keep her face as stoic as she could. She succeeded in that, except the fact that she had a small grin tugging at her lips.

Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash was on the ground, laughing hard. Oh so very hard. Tears escaped her eyes, sliding down the sides of her face and onto the floor. In all honesty, she hadn't laughed this much in a long time. Rainbow's guffawing continued, along with the rest of the class.

Hartman couldn't even begin to comprehend what he was witnessing. One moment he was yelling profanities at Clit, the next had the entire class laughing their asses off. He turned quickly in every direction, watching as students showed utmost disrespect within his highly authorative presence. Hartman was pretty sure he felt a couple of brain cells pop.

This had never happened once within his time in the Corp or as substitute teacher. A few very short lived laughs here and there, but nothing as bad as this. His rage was at maximum for the first time in years.

"Wh-...y... why-, you-" Hartman stuttered in unadultered fury, his teeth grinding against eachother. "You Intolerant nose pickers!" That shut them up. "If any of you fucking think! That you can come in here! Acting like a bunch o' monkeys, having a gangbang! Then you are all dead-fucking wrong!" His eyes darted back and forth, eyeing each student as they stood stock still. "Now get on your damn faces!"

Nothing happened. A deathly silence fell over the classroom.

Hartman's eye twitched in utmost annoyance. "Are you all waiting for me to hold your hand?!" No one said a word. "Well, are ya!?

"Sir, no, sir!"

"Then do some damn push ups!" He boomed.

"Sir, yes, sir!" The class proceeded to get on their faces. Hartman stormed over to Pinkie, looking down at her as she... surprisingly managed to do some push ups at a quick rate. Her face was still as steely as before, that was if Hartman could see it past that mop of pink hair.

"Don't even think for a second that this class will be fun and games, Clit!" Hartman yelled. "I'll definitely be fucking sure your asshole is sucking buttermilk once I'm through with you!"

Rainbow managed to get a quick glance at the duo. As of now, she did not like Hartman. Not one bit. No one else did either. And Rainbow was going to make that known to him. She got up from her position.

"Hey!" The rainbow haired girl walked feverishly up to him. "What makes you think that you can push others around like this?! Pinkie only wanted to have some fun!" Pinkie smiled at that, admiring how Rainbow was taking a stand against the new teacher. But a very bad thought landed in her mind and the smile vanished instantly.
"Oh no..." Pinkie whispered, now worrying for her athletic friend.

Eric nearly doubled over with rage. This. THIS! Was something he had never experienced before in his entire life.
"Stepping out of line, questioning my authority and defending Clit." It was more of a statement than a question. Rainbow could litirally see a tiny spark of flame in the man's eyes.

"Everyone has a right to be stupid! But YOU are abusing that privilege!" Hartman shouted, grabbing her shoulder, his eyes piercing Rainbows very soul. "Get back to your position, Labia! Or do I have to drag you all the way to Celestia's office?!"

Rainbow glared at the Hartman. Hartman glared back at her. She turned around curtly and stormed back over to her position, proceeding to do a few push ups.

Hartman snorted. There and then was he trying not to slap her across the face and knock some sense into her. Eric managed to ignore the feelings, but the temptation of it was like suffering withdrawel from some highly addictive drug. A thought popped itself into his head as he began to think about events prior. 'Need to apologise to Trixie after class.' He thought anxiously. 'She'll obviously be angry though.' He sighed, worrying of the outcome. 'No time to be dwelling on that at this moment! I need to focus on the now.'

"Alright! That's enough!" Hartman bellowed. The students stopped the current exercise. The drill instructor darted his eyes over the interior, roughly calculating the width and length of the hall. 'Twenty meters by fifteen meters. This is going to be fun.'

"Now get the hell up, and do ten laps around the hall!" Groans of disapproval were heard. "Don't give me that damn attitude! Just fucking do it!"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Hartman's eyes focused on Pinkie. "Ten more laps for you, Clit!" His gaze travelled to Rainbow. "That goes double for you, Labia!"

The pace the students were all jogging at was not satisfactory to Hartman. He was going to make that known. "If you faggots don't pick up the goddamn pace, so help me god, I'm going to kick your asses so hard you'll be shitting prints of my shoe until Christmas day! Get fucking stepping before I call your mothers!"

Eric waited a few more minutes before speaking again, until he could practically smell the sweat in the air. "You will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair! By the time your P.E Teacher comes back, you will all be fit and strong enough to be like a marine. Do you all want to impress Spitfire?!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Some students were smilling at the thought of impressing their former physical educations teacher, but quickly refocused on the task at hand.

"Bullshit, I can't hear you! Sounds off like you got a pair!"

"SIR, YES, SIR!

"That's right! That's the motivation you need!" A ghost of a smile appeared on Hartman's face. It went as soon as it had come. Hartman wasn't one to be carried emotionally away by people, or preferably, a group of possibly horny teenagers.

Trixie was beginning to cheer up a small bit after hearing those words. She really wanted to impress Spitfire, regain some of the pride she had lost. Of course, she was still quite shaken up after being karate chopped on the shoulder. Trixie felt bad for having this train of thought, what with Hartman helping them improve on their fitness, overall speed and endurance, but Celestia had to be informed of Hartman's actions on herself.

Afterall, no action is without consequence.

Author's Note

I tried to get this on Equestria Daily...
...
I was denied! FU-

Ignoring that note, here's that chapter you've all been craving for the past two months. Consider it as a Christmas gift of sorts.

Have a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Huh?! Is that a deer pe-