Evrypn, Spk iz Ded

by Wew_Tilde

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 2833

Rainbow Dash goes on a trippy adventure. Stuff happens.

A shitty story I made when I was bored.
Anyway, this is about Rainbow Dash's shitty adventures (continuing another story I never published, but might… no, it doesn't need to be read to understand this one, that's why I didn't need to publish it… silly goose).
I don't think it's that funny, but there's a comedy tag anyway.
And no, it isn't another "HiE".
And no, it was never meant to be "fetish fuel". It was meant to be either gross or hilarious. I expect a reaction closer to the former.
Rated "Mature" for language and suggestive (heh, 'suggestive') themes.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-26 10:20:49 UTC

Rainbow Dash's Excellent Adventure

"Spike!  Spike!  Where are you?!"  yelled Rainbow Dash.  "Goddesses, I hope nothing happened to him last night.  Wonder when Twi'll come home...."

Rainbow Dash, best flier in Equestria (what about the rest of the world, huh?), was looking for Spike.  Why?  I don't know.  But something about drugs was mentioned behind stage.  Stop asking questions when I'm reading to you.  Faggot.

Just then, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash's ex-girlfriend, trotted up to her.

"Hey faggot.  How're you doin' without me?  Huh?  Huh?!"

"Just fine Pinkie.  In fact, I would say I'm doing better without you!"

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"Whatever."

"Why are you here?  When we broke up, you told me you wanted nothing to do with me, and that you hate me."

"Yeah well, I got over it.  Besides, we've got to hang out sometimes.  We are still the Elements of Harmony, right?  Yeah so, anyway, I'm here because you still owe Mr. and Mrs. Cake, after what you did to their kids."

I should tell you what she did, but I'm not gonna, as you'd probably start fapping, and I don't want you to have a good time.  Anyway, back to the story.

"What... oh, that.  I said I was sorry!"  mentioned Rainbow.

"Well, I guess sorry isn't good enough.  Tootles!"

And with that, Pinkie left.

Rainbow Dash, after trying to remember what she was doing before Pinkie showed up, decided to head to Sugar Cube Corner, and do whatever the fuck the Cakes wanted.

Probably sex, like that damned red pony.  Rainbow thought whilst playing the song Axel F. in her head.

After half an hour of horse-walking, Dash arrived at Sugar Cube Corner.

"Sugar Pubes Corner....  Now that's what it should be called."

The cyan Pegasus opened the backdoor, and trotted up to the second floor of the building, looking for the Cakes.

"Oh, why hello there Rainbow!"  said Mrs. Cake, spitting on cupcake batter afterwards.  "I thought you were dead!  Now, I want you-"

Oh boy, here it comes.  Thought Rainbow.

"-to shove this spoon up your butt!"

"Why?"

"I want revenge from one of my customers, and as I already spat on the batter, I need fecal matter."

"Why don't you do it?"

"Because, Mr. Cake licked my anus clean already!"

"Eww....  Well, why don't I just poop on it?  Why don't you poop on it?"

"Stop asking questions!"

"Eh...."

Mrs. Cake handed Rainbow the spoon, and started to shove it up her rump.

Oh, yes....  Shove it up farther....  Thought Mrs. Cake.

"Mrs. Cake... w-why.... Ow!  Why are you... looking a-at me like that?"  Rainbow asked between breaths, as she was not used to shoving things up her ass.  Vagina, sure.  But not the ass.

"Shut up!"

Fucking cunt....

"It seems Rainbow doesn't like Mrs. Cake.  Interesting, let us read and find out what happens next.  After I drink this cup of coffee that suddenly appeared next to me...."

"Grandpa, I'm not sure this story is appropriate for my age...."

"Shut up!  This is a good quality story, and you could use a break from watching that shit box you call a television."

"But, I like television...."

"I don't care!  You watch way too much of it!  I blame that retched piece of shit my daughter married...."

"What?  You mean dad?"

"Eh, shut up and let me read you this epic."

"Am I done now?  I don't think it could be any crappier...."  asked Rainbow Dash.

"No!  Just a little longer...."

Just then, Mr. Cake walked through the door.

"What the heck is goin' on here?!"  yelled Mr. Cake.

"Uh... nothing dear!"  assured Mrs. Cake.

"Oh that's not nothing!  Honey, how many times do I have to tell you?  Celestia hates fags.  I don't want Celestia to rape you.  Now go do... uh... womanly things... straight womanly things."

"Yes master."

As Mrs. Cake left the kitchen, Mr. Cake turned to Rainbow Dash.

"Now, stop turning my wife into a disgusting hell spawn, fag.  We clear?"

Rainbow Dash nodded.

"Good.  Now, clean up."

"But I-"

"Shut up slacker."

After Rainbow Dash finished cleaning whatever the hell was on the floor, Mr. Cake conjured an empty jar from his butt.  He twisted the cap (which had holes) off and placed it on the floor.  He shat into the jar.  He put the lid back on and gave it to Rainbow Dash.

"Here.  Sniff my feces whenever you fantasize, fag."

"Gee, thanks."  Rainbow replied sarcastically.

"You're welcome.  Now scram!"

Rainbow Dash pushed Mr. Cake out of her way as she flew out the door, causing him to crash into a pile of pot.

"Damn you faggot!"  Mr. Cake yelled at Rainbow out a window.

Rainbow Dash ignored him, and flew home, as it was her bedtime.

When she got home, she put the jar in her inventory.

Might need this for later....  Thought Rainbow Dash.

As she cantered into her bathroom, Rainbow had a sudden vision of sea ponies getting high and shooting themselves.  Rainbow blinked herself back into reality.

"Wow.  That was weird.  Oh well, I'm sure it will never come up later...."

Oh Rainbow Dash.  If you only knew....  If you only knew....

Rainbow Dash took a shower and went to bed, skipping supper.

*  *  *

"Wake up!  We're here.  Why are you shaking?  Are you okay?  Wake up!"

Rainbow Dash awoke to see a grey red-eyed elfish creature staring at her.

"Wha-!"  Rainbow was cut off.

"Stand up, there you go.  You were dreaming.  What's your name?"  the elf asked.

Rainbow Dash stuttered, "Uh... w-wait....  R-rainbow Dash.  M-my name's Rainb-bow Dash."

"Well, not even last night's storm could wake you.  I heard them say we've reached Morrowind.  I'm sure they'll let us go."

"M-morrowind?  What the actual fuck...."

"Quiet, here comes the guard."

The "guard" wore a leather tunic and belt.  There was a sword sheathed on his left side.

"This is where you get off, come with me."

Maybe they'll explain what's goin' on if I follow them....

Rainbow Dash followed the guard.  It became apparent that she was on a wooden ship.  It smelled awful.

The guard halted at a set of steps, leading to a wooden hatch.

"Get yourself up on the deck, and let's keep this as civil as possible."

On the deck of the ship, Rainbow Dash met another guard.  This one looked a lot like the first, but the tunic was made of chain mail, instead of leather.

"This is where they want you.  Head down to the dock and he'll show you to the Census Office."

"O-okay... I guess."

When Rainbow Dash was halfway across the dock, an even more heavily armored guard approached her.

"You finally arrived, but our records don't show from where."

"I c-come from a land called Equestria.  Got that?  Equestria."

"Great.  I'm sure you'll fit right in.  Follow me up to the office and they'll finish your release."

"Great?!  Do you even know where the fuck Equestria is?!  Ugh!"

Rainbow followed the guard to the office anyway.

"Head on in."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," muttered Rainbow.

Rainbow Dash opened the door, only to find an old man in brown robes.  As Rainbow trotted up to him, she could faintly smell... prunes.

She looked around to see a guard standing by another door, when the old man spoke, "Ahh yes, we've been expecting you.  You'll have to be recorded before you're officially released.  There are a few ways we can do this, and the choice is yours."

Rainbow Dash was given three different scrolls, each with their own label.  There was "Generate Class", "Pick from Class List," and "Create Custom Class".

After Rainbow finished, the man spoke once more, "Show your papers to the Captain when you exit to get your release fee."

Rainbow Dash picked up the scroll, and left, with the guard telling her to, "Continue through to the next building, and talk to Sellus Gravius."

She did what the guard told her to do, and met Sellus Gravius.

"First, let me take your identification papers.  Thank you.  Word of your arrival only reached me yesterday.  I am Sellus Gravius.  But my background is not important.  I'm here to welcome you to Morrowind."

"Where the fuck am I?"  Rainbow asked herself.

She left the building, and passed through the surrounding town because she... didn't care.  *Cough*

She trotted, and cantered, and trotted, until she was out into the wilderness.

"Oh, Celestia, what barren shithole of a place is this?"

"Holy shit!  What the fuck is that?"

*Netch makes netchy noise*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!11!!!1!1!!!11!1!"

*  *  *

"WE GOT TO GET HER TO THE CHOPPER!"

"WAIT!  WHAT ABOU-"

"JUST LEAVE HIM!  COME ON!"

To Be Continued....

(Just kidding.)

"Whoa!  Wait!  What're you doin'?!  Who are-"

"It's okay, you're safe now."

"What the-"

"Cobb!  We can't-"

"I kn-"

"We have to call back up...."

"Y... yeah... yes."

"Wait....  Are you the guys from Inception?"

"What?"

"What?"  Cobb and-

"Sire?"

"No, Scribe.  Eh, I... think it's time to stop posting this rubbish story."

"But sire-"

"No, no.  Just, here, go get some rest, and I'll think of what happens next."

"Indeed sire.  Thank you, sire!"

"Ah!  Never mind, scribe!  I have an idea!"

"Wonderful!  What is it?"

"I'll write a story about your life!  In other words, I'll follow you around!"

"Oh my, I'm flattered...."

"Oh yes!  It'll be wonderful!  And not only will I have a good story - 'cause I'm sure your life is interesting - but something to do!"

"Oh boy, sire...."

Later that night, King Greogory of Cornwall's throat was slit.  To this day, no one knows who did it.

"Huh... what?  Where am I... why... am I in Manehatten?"

No Rainbow, but definitely in a city....

"Wait... what's that noise?"

[Cue le Grand Theft Auto IV theme]

Youtube Video

"What the fuck is that?!"

Rainbow looked off into the distance to see a giant statue made of what looked like green stone.  But she didn't care.  She was more focused on the fact that the city appeared to be empty.  That is, until she heard yelling.

"OH MY GAWD U FUCKIN ASSHOLE!1  IF I EVA SEE YOUR SORRY ASS YO'RE FUCK'D!11!!1!!1!11!!1!!!!111!!!11!11"

Rainbow Dash figured the noise was coming from the second story, so she flew up and looked through a window to see a very fat man wearing a black fedora yelling at a wall.

"I FUKIN HAT GTA 4 CUZ IT FUKIN SUUUUUKSSSSSSS!!!1!!111!11!!!!1!11!!!!  AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!1!!11!!!!11!1!!!!!111!1!11"

Rainbow knocked on the window, and the fat man turned to see what it was.

"OH MY FUKIN GAWD CAN U SEE IM PLAYIN VIDYA GAMES BIIIITCH!11!!1!1!1!!11!1!!1!!!1!11!"

Rainbow Dash just looked at him.  What a faggot.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!1!11!!1!!111!1!!!"

The fat man charged at the window, tripping over several boxes of Mountain Dew, and opened the window.

"WWWHHHAAAT???!!!"

"Uh... um...eh...heh...ew...ack...ah...."  Rainbow Dash covered her muzzle with her hoof, as the man's stench was neigh unbearable.  "Hey, uh... bud, can you back off?"

"Y???!!!"

"You... uh, kinda smell."

"Whaddya want?"

"Uh...."  Rainbow Dash forgot why she was here, thanks to the man's rage.

"R YA LAHST???!!!"

"Please stop shouting - your breath stinks."

"Ugh, fine.  Why are you here?"

"Well, uh... I'm not sure.  I heard shouting, and so-"

"Oh, that was me."

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock."

"Meh, anyway.  Do you need anything?"

"Uh, where am I and what's that statue called?"  She pointed towards the statue.

"Oh, you're in Manhattan, and that's the Statue of Liberty."

"Oh... OH!  Interesting...."

"What?"

"Oh, nothin'.  Hey, where is everypony?"

"Wha- oh, dead."  The man took his fedora off his head.

"D- dead?  How?"

"The Zombie Apocalypse of 2012.  Only a few humans left.  I've been able to keep the power going through a water wheel contraption.  Thankfully, the zombies died out."

"Well, what year is it now?"

"2014.  Two years."

"Oh...."  Rainbow Dash thought for a moment.

"You wanna come in?  It's getting dark soon."

"Fine."

Luckily, the room didn't smell so bad, but it was pretty smoky.

"Why is there smoke everywhere?"

The man shut the window.  "Oh, incense."

"Oh."

"Eh... well it makes things smell nicer....  Eh, I never got your name."  He sat down onto a couch, facing a glowing box, which Rainbow presumed was what he was yelling at.

Best not to ask....  Thought Rainbow.

"Uh, Rainbow Dash!  Best flier in Equestria!"

"Hey....  Yeah, I know who you are.  Fukin' Hell, you can call me....  Anonymous the Neckbeard, or just Anon."

"Eh?"

"I wanna show you something."  Anon walked over to a filing cabinet, and pulled out a folder.  He gave it to Rainbow.  "Here, look through this."

Rainbow opened the folder, to see a picture of herself.  And Twilight Sparkle.  Kissing.

She figured she'd run into lewd pics if she went any further.

"Pervert!"  She threw the folder at Anon, bucked the window open, and flew away.

"WWWWAAAAAAIIIIIT!!!  I WANNA FUK U!!!"

What a loser.  Rainbow thought.

3spooky5me

After three days of travel, Rainbow was Latitude:  2-  Eh, screw this.  She's in the Bermuda Triangle.

Suddenly, Rainbow's wings started cramping.

"Ow!  Ow, ouch!"

Damn, over water.  Rainbow thought to herself.

"Oh my Celestia...."  Rainbow saw what lay not far ahead of her.

"HURRICANE!!!"

Rainbow was swept away.

*  *  *

As she was floating around the strong winds of the hurricane, she noticed flying disks, metal birds, and when looking down, boats.

Before she knew it, she was pushed into the eye of the storm.  She Fell, as the pain became too much to bear.  Unfortunately, she was high enough where, once contact was made with water, she'd die.  And she knew this.

Huh, I guess your life does flash before your eyes when you die....  WOAH!!!  What?  Why is it....  I can see it right in front of me....  Am I frozen?  Is this....  Who the hell is that?

*  *  *

[Cue le The Twilight Zone intro]

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"Whoa!  What's goin' on?"

Rainbow Dash found herself in a tunnel, lit with lamps that hung from the ceiling, and a wooden door at the end.  She looked behind herself to see a cave wall.

Dead-end....  Hey... where's that music coming from?  Sounds nice....

She walked towards the door, and opened it.

[Cue le House of the Rising Sun by le Animals]

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She was greeted with a dim room, music, smoke, and a seapony orgy.

"Ew...."

"Oh hey baby, why don'tcha come on and give this ol' fish a fin-job, eh?" asked one of the seaponies with an especially hungry look on his face (who was already getting sucked off).

"Ew!  NO!  I'm gay."

"Eh, different strokes for different folks I guess."

Rainbow Dash trotted through the smoke and crowd, hearing "oos" and "aahs" as she went.

Man, why is this smoke making me feel... happy? thought Rainbow.

She consulted a seapony who apparently just climaxed.

"Uh, excuse me?  Can you tell me what this smoke is?"

"Wha- oh, uh... yeah, it's cannabis.  Why?"

Oh... oh shit.  We can't touch that stuff....

"Oh uh, never mind.  Uh, so what's the special occasion?"

"Oh, are you new to The Cult?"

"The 'what' now?"

"'The Cult'.  Y'know, worship of Aitselec.  Anyway, today's the day Aitselec, the creator of the Universe and everything in it, spawns a new era for this worthless planet."

"Oh... huh?  What's Aitselec gonna do?"

"Well, shape the lands anew, kill any surviving members of the last sentient species, and make us, the seaponies, the new rulers of this mighty planet."

"Oh... uh, when is he coming?"

"When we commit mass Dahij at midnight, which is in two hours, which will summon Him.  Seriously, didn't you go through Aitselec101?"

"Oh, yeah... I'm just, very forgetful.  Heh heh."

"Oh, I don' blame ya.  Especially when we're burnin' the greens!  Hah!"

Rainbow Dash spent the next two hours sitting on the floor, shoving away the occasional seapony-mistaking-you-for-a-fuck-toy.

Then, the music stopped.  And the marijuana stopped being burned.  And the lights were turned up.

"Okay everyseapony, it is time."

The seaponies all drew .45 Magnums, put them up to their temples, and pulled the triggers.

Suddenly, Rainbow was thrown to the ground, as a massive shaking occurred.  The lights went out, and a dark-red portal surrounded by strange runes appeared on the floor.

A cat jumped out.

The End

"What the actual-"

"SILENCE MORTAL!  WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME?"

"Wha-....  Huh?"

"WERE YOU NOT THE ONE THAT ORDERED THESE HEDONISTS DEATH BY SUICIDE?"

"No...."

HMM, STRANGE.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEIR LEADER IS?"

"Well, I assume he was the one with the most ladies... so probably dead."

"DISAPPOINTING.  WELL, I GUESS WE ALL GET A LITTLE STUPID SMOKING WEED."

"Yeah...."

"HMPH.  VERY WELL....  I THINK I SHALL GRANT YOU A WISH, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE CYAN.  I LIKE CYAN."

"Oh, uh... gee thanks....  Um...."

"SPIT IT OUT MORTAL...."

"Okay, see what I've got in my head?"

"INDEED."

"Good.  Do that."

Okay, I think I see what happened... wow.  I created Equestria....  Neat.

*  *  *

TO BE A CONTINUEASAS...........

....Right Now!

"SO AWESOME!"  Rainbow couldn't help but squeal.

"INDEED MORTAL.  OH, AND I THINK THIS TEXT MESSAGE IS FOR YOU."

The cat handed her a cell phone.

"Oh uh, thanks."

The cat nodded, and looked at his front paws.

Rainbow looked at the screen, and on it read, "evrypn, spk iz ded".

She gasped, mouth hanging open in shock.

The cat gave no heed.

She looked around, and then back at the screen, and in her state of shock, searched the phone to find who sent it, as she was quite curious.

She nearly had a heart attack when she saw it, for the person who sent it, was-

BUZZZZZZZZ

"FUCKING SHIT!"

"Peepaw!  Don't cuss in fronta tho children!"

"AH, CAN IT WOMAN!  DAT DAMN TV'S BROKE AGAIN!"

"Well maybe it's the cable company!"

"OH HELL NAH, WOMAN!  I AIN'T GIVIN' NO 'TREE FIDITY' TO THOSE RACISTS!"

"But we haf to be responsible-"

"OH FUCK DAT!"

"Den try whackin' da TV with yo' stick!"

"Eh?  Okay, ALRIGHT!"

[Mr. Brown proceeds to whack his tele, and after a few moments, it springs back to life]

"OH HELL YAH BABAH!"

"Tsk...."

"SHUT YO' MOUF WOMAN!  MAH SHOW'S STARTIN' AGAIN!"

*  *  *

"GOOD BYE, HORSE.  I EXPECT TO MEET YOU AGAIN."

"Bye!  And I hope to meet you again soon, too!"

To Be Continued....

"AAH SHIT!  AH MISSED MAH SHOW, DAMN IT!"