The Conversion Bureau: Totally Converted
Hoofjobs(aka garbage exposition chapter)
Did you know that Equestria is bullshit? I do. I've known it for several weeks now. When I agreed to turn into a pony I had high expectations. I figured there would be advantages to being what is essentially a midget with no hands. I also thought I'd be a unicorn.
Things don't always pan out the way we plan.
Doors, shovels, and dicks have all become a huge pain in the ass. Doorknobs are still made of metal so using my mouth to open them is not only a hassle, but also terrible from a dental aspect.If you don't quite know what I'm talking about, place your mouth on a metal doorknob and bite down. You'll waste thousands in dental expenses, but I'll become a much more relatable character. Pick and choose I guess.
Shovels have a great mouth-handle, but they are also long pieces of wood with a metal scoop at the end. This of course makes them horribly awkward to use, and frankly when I try to dig I just feel like an idiot.
My dick? Well I'm glad you want to know about my dick you giant homosexual. I mean that literally too, you are, relative to me, a giant homosexual. Let me set a few things straight(even though you're gay). My penis is not as long as a pony's. In fact, my penis is shorter than it was on Earth. Turns out that when you're three feet tall and your hind legs are like, a foot apart from your front legs, there isn't a lot of space down there. Apparently since we're also a lot more flexible than the average equine, we don't need huge unwieldy wangs.
Masturbating is also a damn chore. Do you wanna know what it's like to jack off when you have no hands? Try jacking off with your elbow. Sucks right? That's my life now.
We were originally supposed to be able to pick our species, but shockingly once conversion started, unicorn population skyrocketed, and we introduced the idea that being an earth pony sucks to their society. Oops, now there are weekly riots thanks to us.
It's almost like our attitudes didn't change at all since we got turned into golden retrievers with hooves. Everyone who became an earth pony, myself included, has a massive sense of entitlement, and of course when we complained about it they told us it was either this or we could die with the rest of the humans. Frankly the entire bureau seems incredibly stressed out, maybe they thought we'd be happy losing almost all of our dexterity but hey, you spend your whole life walking upright and being able to grasp things without simultaneously tasting them and it sorta grows on you.
Another thing that the bureau neglected to mention is that the town where I was relocated to(Ponyville go figure) gets completely destroyed on a weekly basis. It also gets rebuilt in the same amount of time, and that can't be good for the economy, but these are the people who were stupid enough to try growing an apple orchard in the middle of the desert so it's to be expected that they don't understand the location aspect of settlement.
We don't fit in socially either. What I mean by that is we aren't smiling constantly, and we don't break into song at random. Unfortunately this has earned me the title of "weird mopey guy who doesn't sing."
It's not like I haven't tried to sing, I've certainly done that, on more than one occasion. But, alas, I am not particularly good at improv lyrics. I've actually asked multiple ponies for a lyric sheet of some sort, but they all look at me like I'm crazy for not expecting random musical numbers with a full blown orchestra, relevant lyrics, perfect choreography, and a beautiful chorus where nopony is off-key. Now I just sit in the corner and mope because I can't fit in.
