Snowpot and her Homies the Windibros Wreck Horsetown's Winter Wrap Up

by Iron McGalley

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 4096

Snowpot is bored and decides to call her buddies the Windibros to wreck some stuff and bash in a few skulls in Horsetown's Winter Wrap Up celebration. Will they be able to smoke all the weed before the Guards find it?

Snowpot is bored and decides to call her buddies the Windibros to wreck some stuff and bash in a few skulls in Horsetown's Winter Wrap Up celebration. Will they be able to smoke all the weed before the Guards find it?

Part of: ThE $wAgGiNgVeRsE

Sponsored by:

For Chaos Undivided!

Published 2014-09-30 03:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-30 03:20:06 UTC

You Could Have Prevented This

...But You Did Nothing...

Princess Celestia sipped from her tea cup and smiled. The scent of chamomile in the mornings was always a sweet thing for her. She leaned back on her cushion and hummed to herself as the birds sang on the trees of her private garden and the running water of the fountain cascaded down the stone and into the green grass beneath. The sun moved lazily across the skies.

Celestia waited the morning out in her garden, until her duties brought her back in the form of a letter. The green fire sprouted from thin air and materialized a rolled up scroll before her. She sighed deeply and let the scroll rest on the grass for a while longer, while the wind flew by and rustled the paper and the leaves of the trees.

Taking a hold of it with her magic, Celestia broke the wax of the scroll's seal and let the paper unroll by itself. She read the contents while drinking her tea. It was a letter from her student, Twilight Sparkle and her report on her newest studies regarding friendship. She smiled and read on. It seemed Twilight had learned another valuable lesson about being the best she could be with the aid of her friends, which was a fortunate event. Anything Twilight wrote for her was a pleasure to read, the princess thought.

Rolling up the letter once more, she stood up and readied herself to leave. It would be a busy day at court, she knew. However, it was necessary that she attend nevertheless. Equestria needed her. She was the princess, one of the diarchs, and the pillar upon which the vast majority of the country rested upon. She simply couldn't give herself the luxury of disregarding important matters of state.

Celestia entered her courtroom with her head held high. She approached her throne as trumpets blared and courtiers greeted her most graciously. Her crown felt recomforting on her head. The familiar weight of it reassured her, to an extent that it would be just like any normal day.

The first of the petitioners arrived. The herald called out the formalities, and then the stallion kneeling before the throne spoke.

"Your majesty, the Windigos are destroying my crops again. They've been seen all across Ponyville's borders with the Everfree, and deadly blizzards have been coming out of the forest." The farmer talked of his afflictions for much longer, but the meaning of his words was simple.

Trouble.

Celestia nodded and promised that anything that could be done to help would be carried out. The next petitioner came forth. Then a third, and a fourth. They continued to arrive for the next four hours, excluding the small break between sessions. Celestia listened to them all, but the issue with the Windigos still troubled her the most.

Rumors had been cruising throughout her realm; rumors of strange bipedal creatures that worshiped a strange and foreign god. He and his cultists had been spreading, or so would the northern peasants say. The cultists would take up residence outside of an Equestrian settlement and build one of their own. Within a couple of weeks the entire equine populace of the latter would be converted to the strange new religion, and the Equestrian customs would be abandoned in favor of their rites and festivals.

The Princess of the Sun retired to her chambers and lied down on her bed. She closed her eyes, and hoped to the sun that nothing would come of these tales.

420

360noscope

The morning sun rose over the horizon of Horsetown like the massive ball of burning gas that it was; heating up the cool morning air progressively as it sailed over the heavens. Buildings and streets became illuminated by its rays of golden light. Homeless ponies and dead dogs lying on the side of the roads bathed in the serene lights of the new dawn, and everything in Horsetown was calm. Except for Horseshoe Street. There was a shootout there, with plenty of guards and civilians dead.

Oh, what a glorious day it was for Horsetown! Dealers dealt; junkies wasted their mothers' money on gasoline, industrial horse glue and paint buckets to get high, and everyone in jail was getting buggered. Truly, it was a beautiful morning.

Snowpot, a little filly from the shittiest district you can find in Horsetown, was smoking a bowl in her basement. Curtains drawn and door closed with Linkin Park's Crawling blaring on the speakers, Snowpot felt in heaven.

Maybe it was the rancid stench of moldy nachos on her bed, or the pitter-patter of little rat feet on her crunchy and matted carpet, but her basement felt incredibly peaceful. Not even the yowling of her starving cat could disturb her. With her eyes closed and the syringe sticking out of her arm, Snowpot was happy.

"Maaaan... fuck that cat..." She said in-between coughing and laughing. Taking a hold of the nearest porn magazine she could find, Snowpot took careful aim and threw it at the bothersome beast. The cat croaked a final meow and collapsed on the floor, heaving rapidly. Snowpot finally was able to blaze it in peace.

"Maaaan... what if cats are, like, prostitutes?" She sucked a mouthful and laughed. "Shiiiiiiiiit..."

Snowpot was really dope, however. So it was only natural that she needed to refill her daily dose of $WAG. Sputtering intelligent observations of the world around her, Snowpot made her way to her car. She kicked her cat on the way out and mumbled a happy "Fuck you, prostitute." as she did so. Truly, it was the most joyous of mornings. Just outside of her cheap, government-paid home a hobbo was sitting on the sidewalk, drinking out of a cheap whiskey bottle and spitting curses and swears at a bunch of real dopey kids thugging it out on the graffiti-ridden tunnel just in front of the yard.

Snowpot took a piss on the drunken hobbo and then called him a prostitute. The hobbo thanked her for refilling his bottle and returned to reminding the kids they were not the only ones who loved their mothers. Snowpot mumbled a Snoop Dogg song as she went down the sidewalk.

All around her the beautiful city of Horsetown was shining bright with beautiful scenes of everyday life. Snowpot waved at a bunch of thugs dragging some silly mare into an alley; she smiled at a cop collecting some side cash from a group of kids caught dealing drugs, and she called an old mare a prostitute.

She arrived at her local McLestia's and demanded a Pimp Meal from the pimple-covered teenager at the register, toy included and all.

"You want some fries with that shit?" The nerd asked and Snowpot called him a prostitute. Luckily for her, the kid was already on the brink of shooting himself in the nutsack because of low self esteem issues, so he just tossed a vibrator inside her Pimp Meal and threw the whole thing in her face before going back into the kitchen to eat more of the leftover shit not even the rats wanted to touch.

Snowpot laughed and licked her lips as she opened the box. Inside it was a single piece of bread with a slice of greasy meat-substitute slapped on top and a single sauce that was a mixture of all the sauces available creamed on top of it. The whole thing was moldy and covered in pubes, and the bag's bottom was at ripping point from all the lard leaking out of the soggy bread and squishy meat.

Snowpot ate it on the spot, licking her hooves clean and then suckling on the bag to get those little seed thingies that walked around it with their tiny feet. It was delicious. She felt her arteries clogging a bit more with every bite and the nearing stroke almost drove her to a climax of culinary ecstasy. Sadly, she was dirt poor and McLestia's wasn't famous for handing out anything else other than beatings to stray hobbos that wandered into its hangouts.

Snowpot, however, had been long blinded by all the smog in the air. The police beatings and her constantly injecting cocaine mixed with apple juice into her retinas contributed, of course, but it was mostly the smog. Of that she was sure.

Anyway. Snowpot stopped eating and thought about her options. On one hand, she could make her way out of McLestia's without attracting suspicion to herself since the cashier was gone. On the other hand, she could go on a massive killing spree with her homies the Windibros.

"Ooooohhhhh, shiiiiit son!" She exclaimed at the top of her smoke-filled lungs. "Stuff's 'bout to get REA-gurk!"

Cleaning the vomit from her mouth, Snowpot dug into her mane and pulled out her phone. She scrunched her nose in retarded concentration as she tried to remember Spike's number. He was a little faggot, but he had some real good shit. Snowpot punched in the numbers with her stubby hooves and waited for Spike to reply.

"Yo what's up?"

"Get your gay ass off your dildo and come to McLestia's, faglord. We're getting the Windibros too." Snowpot said and closed her phone so hard the screen uncracked. Next up, Snowpot got up from the puddle of puke she was sitting on and pulled out an UZI from inside her ear. "West coast motherfuckers!"

McLestia's frowning picture on the wall became stained with blood.

Spike frowned at his phone and tossed it into his pocket.

"Fucken weird shiiiiiiit!" He drawled and farted. Such was the life of Spike, the indentured servant of T. Pain Sparkle. "Maaan, fuck that Snowbitch, duuuude..."

Spike laughed and kept on smoking from his bong. Then, realizing that T. Pain Sparkle would return in no time to violate his orifices, Spike decided that Snowpot's idea of an afternoon wasn't so bad. Hell, he might even be able to get some bitches downtown.

And so did it commence the great adventure of Snowpot and the Windibros, and Spike too.

Snowpot emerged from McLestia's and whistled. It had been a pretty good run. Life sentence tops for all the caps she had busted on people's asses.

Feeling excellent about herself, Snowpot swaggered down the street when the holy ghost of Nicolas Cage appeared from a nearby bathroom stall.

"Snowpot," Cage said to the awestruck Snowpot. "you mustn't go this way, Snowpot!" Cage then reached into his holy breeches and pulled out a fat blunt. "Take this, Snowpot! It'll guard you in your time of greatest weed!"

Then Cage disappeared as magically as he had arrived.

Through the plumbing.

Snowpot was mesmerized a hundred percent, though. So she immediately stuck the holy blunt inside her mane and walked the other way, following Cage's word.

Snowpot followed the path of Cage until she came to the realization that Spike was kind of a retard and he wouldn't be able to find her.

"Shit! Spike is kind of a retard and he won't be able to find me!"

Bitch, I just wrote that!

"Fuck you!"

Anyway. Snowpot used her GPS to track down Spike's butt. Since it was a very transited location Celooglestia was able to find it no problem.

Snowpot waltzed over to the homodragon and slapped him in the face with a razor.

"Sup Spike!" She said and smiled. Spike was a rude asshole though, so he only rolled on the ground clutching his bleeding face and didn't bother to reply. "Geez, you're an ass."

Snowpot then was super kind and cut off Spike's tongue so I wouldn't have to write any extra dialogue.

"Let's go, Spike! We have to find the Windibros!" She said and continued walking down the road. Spike groaned and lamely tried to reattach his tongue to his mouth.

Seventy two hours later, Snowpot and Spike arrived at the Windibros' home. It looked a lot like a state prison, but Snowpot wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a cow and a lion though. So yeah. She walked up to the door and knocked on it.

"Yo, Windibros! We're going to fuck some shit up in town. You coming?" Snowpot yelled, but no one bothered replying. She then decided to start popping caps at the windows. "Fo shizzle!"

The guards yelled out a variety of things as Snowpot showered the windows of Horsetown's State Penitentiary with bullets. Mostly agonizing screams, but Snowpot was too retarded to notice. She kept on busting caps on those niggas while Spike got a sudden rise in the amount of lead in his body.

Anyway. Ponies were fucking useless and joining the Royal Guard immediately multiplied uselessness by five, so Snowpot killed everyone and busted her way into the prison. She then went ahead and killed the prisoners, especially the zebras. Following her community cleaning service, Snowpot went ahead and freed her homies the Windibros.

"Yo, Windibros! Let's smoke weed and fuck shit up!"

Sadly for Snowpot, the Windibros only did LSD. So they shot her in the anus and made a pony-dragon centipede by sewing Spike's mouth to Snowpot's wrecked butt. Then the Windibros left the prison and fucked up Winter Wrap up by killing the mayor, raping the animals, shooting the clouds, and traumatizing Celestia's ass greatly.

The End

OR IS IT?!

Pimpcess Celestia was sitting on her extra plush throne inside her golden castle of $WAG when her thugs, the R. to the motherfucking G. waltzed in and totally did an improv rap to warn her of the Windibros' escape from the Horsetown's State Penitentiary. The entire court room stood up on two hooves and started doing gang signs with their hooves and pulling out their guns to shoot at the ceiling while Celestia bobbed her head to the rhythm of the R.G.'s dope ass rhymes.

"Heyo, Princess nigga
We's a calling to tell you
There's been a prison nigga
Who breaking free of the law's shit
To come a bustin' caps on yo ass
Nigga nigga nigga nigga weed nigga ass
Bitches and hoes! Bitches and hoes!
Snoop Dogg!
Nigga!"

Celestia was totally enraged by the news, so she immediately pulled out her autocannon from behind her throne and started shooting up at the sky, which was a really stupid idea since they were indoors. The entire throne room began to quake and crumble as the pillars holding up the four hundred and twenty floors above everyone's heads began to break. Celestia had time to shout out one last "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" before the castle fell down on her and murdered everyone in a massive cacophony of dying ponies that overcame the entire city of Canterlot for weeks. The dead and dying overflowed all hospitals for months afterwards and the entire mountain became so badly weakened by the simultaneous collapse of the largest structure on it that it simply became too dangerous to keep on living there.

So, the entirety of the wealthy population of Canterlot City fled to Manehattan, Cloudsdale and Los Pegasus, leaving Canterlot City to rot in poverty and stagnancy. The entire remnants of the place became a massive ghetto where law and order were as shunned as zebras. It later came to be known as The anus of Equestria by everyone. It got so bad that not even dirty, disgusting Earth Ponies wanted to live in Canterlot. Luckily for everyone, a school shootout caused a stray grenade to explode a refinery next door and the resulting explosion and fires wrecked the last portions of the city that balanced Canterlot on the mountain, causing a huge collapse that murdered everything and everyone. Equestria was much better off afterwards, it was unanimously agreed.

Anyway, so Celestia was dead. Luna grieved for many, many seconds before taking up the throne and installing 'The New Lunar Republic' which was incredibly retarded since Luna was still a fucking monarch; was the most traditionalist of both sisters, and NO FUCKING ELECTIONS WERE EVER FUCKING CARRIED OUT. As such, she immediately realized that the idea of a 'New Lunar Republic' was so stupid and incoherent that only imbeciles and zebras could ever think it a possibility. Thus was 'Equestria 2' born.

Luna realized too that Celestia had been stupid to follow the ways of the East Coast. The East Coast was retarded as all get out, with their stupidity and shit. West Coast was the way to go! So Luna immediately changed the government, religion, economic system, and military to West Coast style.

Equestria unanimously agreed that it was much better this way. Even the gryphons realized how great everything was! That's why they were fucking deported. Fuck immigrants.

Anyway. Luna sat on her dope-ass weed throne in 'Swaggterlot', the new capital of Equestria 2. She was sipping some beer and smoking a bong when one of her new 'Cholo Guards entered the room and bowed.

"Que paso, ese!" The Cholo Guard said and gave Luna a hoof five. A hoof five is when two ponies idiotically pump hooves five times while making obscene gestures with their tongues and lips. "We's got some news from da Horsetown, ese. The fucking Windibros got loosened and are fucking shit up, mi nigga. If we don't stop them they'll fuck up the weed crops and we won't be planting no more weed cuz of the winter, ese."

"Holiest of feces!" Luna exclaimed, but she had a horrible lisp, so she sounded more like: 'Holietht of fethes!'

"Yo, don't worry, man. Don't worry. Me and the other batos are getting it all under control, ese. We's getting all the homies over to fuck them up!" The Cholo Guard said while pulling his pants down even more. Fucking trends.

"Thou brinth uth joddy infothmadion!" Luna exclaimed, like a complete moron. "When will thy men ath armth reach our foeth?"

"Don't worry, man! Don't worry! We're going to kick their asses, like, so hard, man!" The Cholo Guard said and turned around to leave.

Luna stared out the window with one eye while the other rolled off to the side and a fly landed on it. She was deeply troubled, although you would think she was constipated from her look instead.

Snowpot sipped her apple juice and wiggled her hooves.

Spike moaned again.

The Windibros tossed another spent blunt to the side.

They were sitting in front of the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! The greatest fighting force in all of Equestria! They were the saviors everyone needed! They were going to save them all! Twilight Sparkle (cue Japanese transformation sequence), the element of MAGIC!

"Magic!" Said Twilight while luminescent rays spread out from her body to encompass the entire TV screen and cat ears sprouted from her head and a cat tail popped out of her anus like a buttplug.

"Loyalty!" Said Rainbow Dash as epilepsy-inducing, flashing lights continuously bombard the viewers until their three year old has to be taken to the ER due to a seizure. She also transformed into a robot thing made up of ice cream cars and skateboards.

"Kindness!" Fluttershy whispered while a shit of a ton of animals swarmed her and made her a battle suit composed entirely of stupid animals that got squished to death every time she took a step.

"Generosity!" Rarity then stepped back and a bunch of hired thugs took her place. Being the only smart one, Rarity wasn't about to do something that less intelligent, poorer, and desperate peasants could do in exchange for a few cents every hour. Obviously, these thugs were Chinese immigrants from Southern Korea.

"Laughter!" Pinkie shot a foal with leukemia.

"Honest-" Applejack was then hit in her inbred head with a crowbar by Fluttershy and dragged down to an alley to be raped continuously by Bolivian immigrants.

"We are the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!" They all shouted in perfect unison while jumping up in the air and making the peace sign (somehow!) as a bunch of Asian nerds shouted 'kawai!' all around and masturbated fervently.

Snowpot reached back to scratch her butt and found Spike's head instead, still surgically attached to her anus.

The Windibros spat and pulled out an LMG. Twilight was still trying to get the tail out of her anus when she saw the light machine gun aimed straight at her clitoris.

"Oh shit."

"Fucking wrecked, maaaaan..." Snowpot said and took another sniff from her paint bucket as the Windibros turned T. Pain Sparkle and friends into bullet-ridden corpses.

The Windibros then kept on walking down the street on their way to Freddy Frazbear's Pizzeria. They had to settle some shit with their dealer, Freddy Frazbear before being able to go on in their killing spree.

Upon arriving at the pizzeria, Snowpot immediately recognized two very insignificant things. For one, she was naked. Secondly, everyone else was too.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIT, MAAAAAAAN..." She suddenly felt a massive migraine overtaking her. "I need to shit!"

Luckily for Snowpot, a Freddy Frazbear suit was readily available. She dumped the most disgusting shit ever shat inside it and sighed. Soon after, Freddy Frazbear and friends waltzed into the place with a screaming faggot in their hands. They stuffed him into the suit Snowpot had shat into and then high-fived each other in the genitals. Snowpot thought it was pretty hot.

"Yo, what up, muh nigga?" Freddy asked when he saw the Windibros. "You still tapping dat fine Scootacunt?"

The Windibros neighed in agreement and then put a bullet in Freddy's eye. The dealer fell back into a pool of his own pepperoni-covered shit and died. Foxy, Chicka and Bonny raised their paws and wings into the air and ran away like a bunch of pussies. The Windibros then unzipped their pants and proceeded to skullfuck Freddy in the eye socket.

Up next, Snowpot and the Windibros quickscoped some fucking camper Cholo Guards that popped out of nowhere with SMGs and PNGs and PDFs and all sorts of other files. It was real tough, and Spike died, but at least nothing of value was lost.

Snowpot kicked off Spike's corpse from her anus and bled to death. Then, she and the Windibros went to the nearest hospital and started shooting the nurses. Sadly for them, that was Nurse Redho's turf.

"You fucking niggerjews better get the fuck out of my Aryan hospital, you shits!" She screamed while waving her Swastika flag and shooting down at the Windibros with her MP44 and her MP3. Snowpot immediately got the hots for Redho. She was pure white with blue eyes and a Swastika surrounded by hearts on her butt. She was the true embodiment of the Unicorn Master Race. She was of the detachable horn variant too, so she could infiltrate filthy Earth Pony circles and root them out for the SS to find and sterilize them.

The Windibros couldn't defeat such racial purity, so they had to retreat and take a turn on Penile Street, then they went all the way down to Vaginal Square and turned left on Condom Boulevard. There they found the Winter Wrap Up crew getting ready to leave.

"Shit! We're too late!" Cried Snowpot as she saw the gay-ass mayor getting everyhorse ready to leave and wrap up winter into a fat blunt.

"Oh shit yeah! The Holy Blunt!" Snowpot cried out and searched her mane. After a few seconds of rummaging, she pulled out the blunt Nicolas Cage had given her. With the Windibros' help she managed to light it, and the moment she inhaled the Cage Weed inside, she knew she could do anyone.

"I have the power!" She said as a massive erection overtook her and spread out from her bellybutton. The Windibros neighed happily and started mowing down the Winter Wrap Up crew with sustained fire from their LMGs. Snowpot barely noticed the agonized cries of ponies begging for mercy, or the screams saying there were children in the crowd. She knew only Cage.

His holy image descended unto them all from the heavens and illuminated everything. The clouds turned to potassium and the rocks transformed into magnesium. Snowpot could see the periodic chart with such clarity...

Luna arrived in her Ford Fiesta too late. She stared in horror as Nicolas Cage's face appeared on the skies, drawn by fire and burning weed. He was smiling down at her with pity, and in his masculine voice he called out to her and everyone.

It's all ogre now.

Author's Note

And everything was Cage, and nothing hurt.