The arrival of the Vault Hunters on Equestria wasn’t anything special. The alien ponies living on the surface didn’t have any planetary defense systems, rendering the whole deal with hijacking an armored dreadnaught class frigate pointless.
The tech on the planet was piss poor in general. The six mercenaries plus Mr Torgue expected massive skyscrapers of a dystopian world where mutated equines struggled for their degenerate lives. Instead, they found themselves face to muzzle with friendly, clean horse-likes that burst into song as soon as they set foot on the planet’s surface.
Their language was chipper and soft, full of fluid vowels that the universal translator shat its pants on. They got the trinkets from a very thankful tech-savant involved in the whole frigate deal, but apparently even ‘the most top-secret and expensive pieces in the galaxy’ couldn’t brain the pony tongue.
“Piece of crap, I told you guys that dweeb was a fake faggot,” murmured Gaige, dropping the delicate instrument and stomping it a few times for good measure. The delicious cracking and electrical fizzing made her smile. “But hey, on the bright side, this place is cleaner than the last dump we visited! And maybe here they have clean, non-piss-recycled water I can take a solid bath in!”
“Oh god, I sure hope so,” chimed in Lilith, propping her Maliwan SMG on her shoulder. “I still have the stench of bug gore imprinted into my hair. I had half a mind to get rid of it altogether.”
Axton gave Salvador a wary look, ignoring the girls’ chatter and indicating Krieg. While Zero was gone (as per usual), the former psycho bandit stood stock still in the shuttle doors, his one visible eye tracing the pony show just a few feet away.
The equines were very lively, singing and dancing in a pattern that would put many galaxy-famous Riverdance troupes to shame. It wasn’t only the fact that they had a pair of legs less than the artists, but also the diversity of their colors and additional appendages, such as horns and wings to boost their technique. The flying ones twirled and moved in intricate patterns while their horned and regular brethren trotted around, throwing confetti, flowers and unhealthy amounts of trust and friendship towards the rugged, blood-stained and heavily armed mercenaries. And Mr Torgue.
“WHAT THE F--K IS GOING ON HERE?” said Torgue, the heavy gold chain around his neck buzzing out the obscenities in his language as per a very old and legally-binding contract. The giant lifted his shades for a second to make sure his SplodeVision™ wasn’t messing something up in the video feed. “WHERE ARE THE GODD--N BLOODTHIRSTY TRIBALS WITH ACID SPIT AND GORE SPATTERED CLAWS?”
“No se,” shrugged Salvador, holstering his assault rifles and scratching his neck. “Looks like we got, eh, ponies.”
“WHO THE F--K PUTS DANCING UNICORNS IN CHARGE OF S--T? IS THIS WHERE TINA GOT HER SHROOMS FOR THAT F--CKING AWESOME ROLEPLAYING GAME?”
Despite Mr Torgue’s manner of speech, the ponies finished their little jig without missing a beat. The conclusion had all of them stretching their forehooves towards the newcomers and drawing out the last note with smiles so wide you’d think a knife was involved. They all looked expectantly at the Vault Hunters and Torgue, panting slightly from the exertion.
“I think they expect us to do something,” said Axton, looking at his companions and sighing. As per usual, he had to deal with diplomacy, the shotgun variety being the only thing the others were good for.
The ex-soldier cautiously approached the foremost equine, a pink one with absurd amount of pink hair that looked like a cloud or cotton candy cone got stuck to her head. He was reluctant to offer his own hand, having almost lost his fingers to the last alien creature that looked innocent enough. He hoped he wouldn’t have to deal with bunny-morphs ever again.
“Haaiii,” said Axton, slowly, pronouncing the word as clearly as a person who’s sure you can’t understand him but tries nonetheless. “IIII aaammm Aaaxtonnnn.”
The pony shot him a smile and chirped something in its weird language. Before the soldier knew what was happening he had his hand shaken vigorously by the horsy, a stream of words flooding his ears and making the translator go crazy trying to understand anything.
“John Madden, John Madden, ooooouiuiuioiooooooo,” buzzed the earpiece, forcing Axton to rip it out of his ear with his spare hand.
The pink pony stopped talking and pumping his hand, focusing its attention on the translation device. Again, with the skills Zero would desire to test personally, she managed to fish it out of his grasp in the short time he had to blink.
[/hr]
“Ooohhh, what is this?” cooed Pinkie Pie, shaking the weird item the stranger offered to her. It was saying something back to her but it was hard to make out, the words sounding like a buzzsaw grinding against a metal sheet. “Hello?” she tried, putting the piece to her ear and hearing a stream of words in response. “Hello, this is Pinkie Pie?”
While Pinkie was trying to bridge the gap in communication her own way, Twilight and the rest of the elements were observing the scene from a nearby bush. The other Princesses were on their way and ordered them to keep track of the newcomers, reacting immediately if they so much as looked at any of the Ponyvillians funny.
“But that one, in the mask, he’s looking at Pinkie funny all the time,” huffed Rainbow, working her jaw in anxiety. Her wings were stiff and the adrenaline coursing through her veins caused her tail to swish dangerously. “Can’t you see they are dangerous? Why did we even let them touchdown? Do you see the blood on their everything? They smell bad even from way over here!”
“Oh Rainbow, Darling, give our visitors a little credit, hmm?” chimed in Rarity, adjusting herself on the blanket she was lying on. She brought an ornate pair of binoculars to her eyes, careful not to mess up her perfect eyeliner. “I admit, they do look a bit… unpresentable, but the Princesses said they came from really, really far away! It is only expected that a pony - or whatever they are - would look a bit better for wear after such a long journey. A few good scrubbings and their clothes would look fabulous!”
“Ahm with RD on this one,” announced Applejack, nimbly jumping down from a branch she perched herself on. “Ah can tell those guys look tough as nails. They have stuff we ain’t seen before, and we can’t really tell what will do. Fer all we know, they could blow us up before ya can even think about hurtin’.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle had her reservations as well. She felt a powerful aura from one of the creatures, one that disturbingly reminded her of Discord. Still, so far the aliens didn’t make a move other than approaching Pinkie.
“Girls, I know what you’re feeling,” she finally said, looking hopefully towards the skies. “I’m afraid too. I wasn’t prepared for this, not in the slightest. All we can really do is trust in the Princesses knowledge and expertise on these creatures. In their letter they told me that there are many, many monsters in the cosmos, but not all of them bad.” The Princess of Friendship risked a small smile. “So far, they didn’t do anything wrong. Even if they tried, the reactive shield we prepared for our welcoming committee should keep them from harm.”
* * *
“WELL, THIS IS F--KING BORING!” declared Torgue, throwing his arms up in exasperation. Every second in which something didn’t at least pop in his vicinity was automatically deemed boring. “GUYS, I’LL BE IN THE SHUTTLE. GIMME A CALL WHEN YOU START BLOWING S--T UP. KRIEG,” he addressed the psycho who stood still for a longer while now, “WANNA GO PLAY F--CK-EM-UP-BLOW-EM-UP-CHESS? COME ON, SERIOUSLY, I’LL LET YOU PLAY NUKES THIS TIME.”
Krieg was unresponsive, almost as if a life-like statue stood in his stead.
“Sorry, Torgue, think he broke,” giggled Gaige, poking the impressive, rock-like six-pack of the barbaric hunter. “I told ya this guy runs on violence. No gore, no ‘waagh’ from him. He’s like a solar panel in someone’s ass right now. Totally useless and you have no idea why he’s here in the first place.”
“WELL, S--T. THIS PLANET BLOWS WORSE THAN AN ACID SKAG HOOKER,” huffed Torgue, flipping off Equestria in general and making his way up towards the cool interior of the shuttle. “IF YOU F--KERS FORGET TO CALL ME WHEN SOMETHING COOL HAPPENS, I’LL BE REALLY, REALLY DISAPPOINTED AND EMOTIONALLY HURT!”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry Torgue, we got this. We came here for the Vault anyway, remember?” smirked Lilith. “Speaking of - Axton, any progress?”
The siren’s knees buckled under her and she had to put a hand over her mouth to not burst out laughing as the soldier slowly turned towards her.
Axton was wearing a party hat, his mouth tightly shut around a party horn and his nose bearing a giant, red ball. With just a tiny bit of makeup he’d make a passable clown, save for the scowl he now offered to Lilith who nearly toppled at the sight. Gaige didn’t try to hide her amusement, straight out falling to the floor and laughing her lungs out. Salvador kept a neutral face the best he could, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.
“Oh, amigo, seems it likes you,” he managed, trying to mask his escaping laughter with coughing. “Just uh, make sure those aren’t, heh, lethal or anything.”
The soldier wanted to reply something snarky, but previous experiences taught him to never, ever discard items handed out by tribals. Or use them. Or do anything without explicit permission from the one offering.
“Gff fffck yoslff,” muttered Axton around the horn, turning back to the pink pony who just kept talking. The creature had amazing lung capacity considering that it didn’t take a breath for a longer time now. Despite its language being utterly alien, it was pleasant to listen to something fluid and friendly for once. His weathered ears got tired of all the bloody screams and shell explosions ringing in his ears.
“CONSISTERENT IN NOMINE EQUESTRIA!” came a booming voice from above, startling Axton into a crouched position.
So much for resting.
* * *
“Sister, you needn’t scream at the aliens. The last thing we want is to offend them. Please, let me do the talking,” said Celestia, rapidly descending alongside Luna in a haze of multicolored light.
“Celly! You know how these creatures can be! Remember the last ones? The ones with the yellow armor that flipped us off and tried to squash one of your guards with… with an electric chair?!” fumed Luna, her own rapid deployment spell a midnight blue hue. “I have no idea why you’d even let these ones to the surface of Equestria! You even said yourself that they have a powerful mage with them!”
“I have a good hunch about these ones,” shrugged Celestia, looking down through the haze of colors.
* * *
“Hola, somebody better call Torgue! We got us a bunch of Badasses incoming!” grinned Salvador, cracking his knuckles and heaving his massive assault rifles.
“Hold your gun just yet, Salvador. So far these creatures didn’t do much besides dancing and singing. Maybe this is some late finale, eh?” said the siren, unslinging her own weapon and squinting at the growing bolts of energy surging towards them. “Although the amount of power those things burn doesn’t bode well.”
“Meh. We’ve had it worse. Remember riding those giant tapeworms in the desert? These don’t look like half the challenge.”
“Shh!” hushed Axton, slowly backing away. He risked throwing away the gifts from the pink pony, combat rolling to his companions and drawing his trusty Jacobs. He quickly checked the mag and lowered the weapon. “Keep your wits about you. No sudden movements, and if anything happens, just head for the shuttle. Anyone seen Zero?”
* * *
Originally, the rapid deployment spell belonged to the changelings, the monsters using it with great efficiency during the Canterlot Invasion. Ponies found an easy way to adapt it to their needs, but could hardly bend it to their will entirely. The most troublesome part was the landing, as all the kinetic force had to be kept as far away from the user’s body as possible. It ended in a rather spectacular crater landing that shook the earth and kicked up a thick layer of dust.
With the distance from Canterlot to Ponyville and speed the Princesses required, the touchdown knocked everyone off their feet, the alicorns themselves digging themselves in a few feet into the ground. The booming sound left a few equines staggering and massaging their ears.
Celestia quickly dispersed the giant cloud of dust that floated about and took a moment to observe the aliens. She knew a bit about the human race so she could easily identify two females and three males, one of which seemed unfazed by the whole incident, standing in the maw of their metal bird-like ship.
With her sister by her side, the regal mare slowly made her way towards the nearest alien, the shortest of them all. It wielded two weapons she didn’t see before, most likely a variant of the things the others used that made loud bangs and left terrifying holes in even the strongest of metals.
Straining to remember a language she hadn’t used in a long time, she tried to introduce herself.
* * *
“Translation from High Gothic: Hello. I am Princess Sun. Allow me to you to Horse,” buzzed the translation device in Salvador’s ear. This was probably the first normal sentence it spoke since they landed on the planet. “May I inquire/ask about you reason of staying?”
“Hey, amigos, this shit started working again! The horse says hello!” shouted the gunzerker, his guns still trained at the gold chestpiece the tall pony wore. It was kind of irritating he had to look up to see its face. “And that’s a whole lot of horse!”
“I heard that too. It must be using a different language,” groaned Lilith, hazily getting up on her feet. “Everyone alright?”
“The fuck I’m alright!” screamed Gaige, staggering towards the shuttle and leaning against it. “Nobody fucks around with Gaige and gets away with it! I’ll have Deathtrap whip some sense into those bloody-”
“SWEET LORD, WAS THAT AN RPG TYPE-12 ANTI-AIR AFTERSHOCK FLAK ROUND EXPLODING NEARBY, OR DID ONE OF YOU BOZOS FORGET TO CLOSE THE DOORS TO THE CRAPPER AGAIN?” came a yell from inside the shuttle, swiftly followed by the mighty frame of Mr Torgue dashing outside. “HOLY SHIT, THOSE F--KERS ARE HUGE!”
“Everybody, shut up!” commanded Axton, shaking himself vigorously. “I do the talking! The last thing we want is another conflict over some stupid shit!”
“HEY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY, OKAY? NOT MY FAULT THAT MORON PRIEST PULLED THE PIN, OKAY?”
Ignoring Torgue’s rant entirely, Axton briskly approached the two winged unicorns, his hands raised slightly in a peaceful gesture. “Hey, Salvador, mind lending me your earpiece?”
“Uh, yeah, sure,” replied the midget, slowly putting away one gun.
* * *
Princess Celestia stood calm against the bickering creatures. The one female at the back was seething with rage, but got shouted down by a man who seemed to be the one in charge.
Despite being physically less imposing than the new male who came out of the shuttle’s maw, he exerted a certain air of command. He had his hands up with one of them clutching a short weapon that no doubt was as powerful as the rest, the other reaching towards the shortest human.
An ugly, wet squelch made her flinch as the short person unglued something from its ear and handed over to the commander, his face speaking of a sacrifice for the greater good. In one swift motion he put the item to his own ear, shuddering and articulating the universally understood “Bleargh!” sound followed by a few sharp words.
Having composed itself again, the human pointed the free hand to itself and said a word. It was short and as far as the sun goddess could tell was its name. Axton…
* * *
The white pegasus unicorn pointed an armored hoof at itself and said a single word in High Gothic again, the translator interpreting it as ‘Sun’. The piece’s volume was muted due to a voluminous amount of matter stuck to it that Axton didn’t want to think about now, perhaps opting for an amputation later along the way.
The big pony pointed to the other one besides it and said ‘Moon’. The blue creature bowed its head and let out an ear-shattering scream that caused Axton to stumble a few paces back. Whatever the translator said was lost on the soldier in the sea of ringing.
* * *
“Luna! Normal volume!” scolded Celestia, frightfully looking at the humans grasping their ears. All but two were recoiling from the Canterlot Royal Voice. The two brutish, bare-chested males stared at them with what could be awe or confusion.
Luna was about to protest when a sudden scream startled her. It was but a fraction of the Canterlot volume, but was very clear and deep, a battle cry perhaps. The owner of the voice begun his descent from the shuttle, lifting a pair of glasses from his eyes and approaching the regal sisters, ranting something in the weird alien language.
* * *
Mr Torgue was awe-struck. He had seen a lot of different creatures hollering at or around him. There were beasts that had the lungs to level mountains with their vulgar howls of primal rage.
Still, never in his entire life had the former owner of Torgue heard a more elegant, feminine and overall badass voice. It carried command and power that could order entire nations around, with the volume to be heard as long and wide the lands probably were. To think that such a small and innocent looking creature had the potential to out-holler Mr Torgue, possibly the loudest businessman in the galaxy?
“HOLY S--T LADY, YOUR VOICE SOUNDS LIKE A THOUSAND ANGELS CUMMING ALL OVER HEAVEN!” applauded Torgue, confidently striding to the alien pony. “AND BELIEVE ME, MR TORGUE DOES NOT THROW COMPLIMENTS LIKE THAT AROUND EASILY. F--K, I THINK I’LL ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO MY MATH AGAIN! COME TO THINK OF IT, IT WAS MORE LIKE THE ENTIRETY OF RELIGIOUS SUPERSTITION HAVING AN ANGRY ORGY IN MY EARS!”
He reached the midnight blue pony and lifted his shades to stare directly into her eyes. They were electric, showing stubborn determination and a fang that made Torgue crack a smile.
“WELL S--T, LET ME HEAR THAT BEAUTIFUL VOICE OF YOURS AGAIN, LADY!” asked Torgue at the top of his lungs.
* * *
Hidden in shadow/
Observing the buffoon scream/
Pondering ponies.
They speak High Gothic/
A relic of older times/
Dangerous perhaps/
Maybe I should help?/
Come with olive branch in hand/
And hidden dagger.
* * *
“Lulu, I beg of you, please stop screaming,” groaned Celestia, moving to the side to join the aliens. All of them had to escape the massive shouting in order to retain at least part of their hearing. Even from a dozen feet away the volume was barely tolerable.
“SISTER, WE ART TRYING TO ESTABLISH COMMON GROUNDS IN COMMUNICATION! IT APPEARS THE ALIEN REQUIRES US TO USE THIS MUCH VOLUME WHILE ADDRESSING IT! WE ADMIT IT IS REFRESHING TO BE SPOKEN TO IN A SIMILAR MANNER!”
Celestia sighed and looked at the Axton with a small, apologetic smile. She received one in return, accompanied by a shrug. It seemed that at the very least both sides had an obnoxious, loud person to deal with.
“The lotus flower/ Shatters when the eagles scream/ The madness must stop” said a voice in fluent High Gothic.
Celestia turned around to yet another alien she didn’t see before. Contrary to the others it wore a full mask that had an image of a colon and open bracket floating in front of it, only four fingers on each palm and no visible weapon.
“Wait, you speak High Gothic?” tried Celestia, her voice barely audible over the hurricane of her sister’s voice.
“A traveller learns/ To get the bread and water/ To always move forward,” replied the slightly metallic voice of the alien.
* * *
Using Zer0 as a translator was cumbersome at best. The assassin took his time to compose every sentence into a haiku, sometimes not making much sense in High Gothic or Universal. The constant shouting going on from Mr Torgue and Luna was no better; the two stopped hollering at each other and turned their attention to the plains beyond the shuttle. The night alicorn displayed her potential by sending ripples through the tall grasses, much to the applause and vulgarly fancy cheers of Torgue.
“HOLY S--T GUYS, THIS HORSE HAS LUNGS THE SIZE OF A F--KING CONTINENT! I WANT TO GIVE IT A HUG, IS THAT OKAY?” said the giant man, doing his best to imitate the mighty voice he so adored.
“Look, but do not touch/ This is-” begun Zer0 but was immediately waved off by an irritated Torgue.
“F--K YOUR MOON TALK MAN, MR TORGUE JUST REMEMBERED THE NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT RULE. MR TORGUE DOES WHATEVER THE F--K HE WANTS! COME HERE YOU AMAZING BADASS PONY YOU!”
Much to Luna’s surprise, she was caught in a vice-like grip by the muscular human. She wanted to protest or buck him away, but the gruff alien begun stroking the side of her long neck, which was nice.
“YOU’RE SUCH A F--KING AMAZING PONY, YOU KNOW? YOU’RE THE FIRST FEMALE ANYTHING THAT’S LOUDER THAN MR TORGUE, AND THAT MEANS A LOT! WHO’S A BADASS LITTLE PONY WHO CAN SHOUT AN OCEAN APART? YOU, OF COURSE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”
“You must forgive our friend, your grace,” offered Lilith, scratching the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Mr. Torgue is… something else, entirely.”
“I can very well see that,” nodded Celestia, cringing only slightly as her sister yet again sent a booming scream across the plains. “I am very glad that the two of them shouting is the worst Equestria has to suffer for now. But I digress. I was going to ask about your reason for visiting us before the… little interruption we had.”
“Ah, yes,” coughed Axton, putting on his best impression of a straight face. “You see, your highness, we are what is known in the galaxy as Vault Hunters. We were led to believe there would be a Vault here.”
“Treasure hunters, then?” Celestia cocked her head to the side, scanning her memory. “I’m afraid I never heard of the thing you call a Vault. Is it a dangerous item?”
“It depends on its contents, Princess.”
* * *
Much to Ponyville’s relief, the Vault Hunters, Mr Torgue and Princesses left for Canterlot a half-hour later. The plains outside the little town looked like a hurricane had their way with them, but even the prospect of fixing the landscape was nothing in the face of the blissful silence that followed the departure of the aliens.
Canterlot thought… It was enough said that the city’s design was specifically laid out for the Canterlot Royal Voice to be heard clearly. Everywhere. While a solid booming scream was good for someponies’ constipation issues, the foals and pets of the capital were less than happy about the sudden jump in volume. The cacophony and subsequent angry mobs of nobles trampling towards the castle were bravely held off by the Royal Guards who, if it weren’t for their sworn fealty, would rather just hide away in their barracks and pretend today wasn’t happening.
Inside the castle, the Vault Hunters and Princess Celestia further discussed the issue of the Vault. The alicorn learned of the aliens’ previous encounters with the relics, ranging from absolutely amazing technology and riches to nightmarish creatures being let loose upon the unfortunate world. It was clear that whatever Vault their world had, it was better to be dealt with on their own terms than waiting for it to open on accident or of its own volition.
“I’m glad that we encountered a peaceful race, for once,” sighed Axton, allowing himself to slump onto the comfortable cushion he was offered. His other companions were either sprawled out in the vicinity or somewhere in the castle’s depths taking a long deserved (and needed) bath. “I guess I won’t be lying when I say you’re probably the first to not try and detain us to try and squeeze out the information about the Vaults.”
Celestia offered a pleasant smile and nod, craning her head to look at the city beyond the balcony. “Ponies do not work that way. We have no desire for violence, as there is always a peaceful, more beneficial way to settle disputes.”
Gentle ripples swam across the muffling spell the alicorn cast, shielding her and the guests from Luna’s voice. It was pointless to try and speak reason to the shouting couple - Mr Torgue, the tall and muscular man, claimed that it was his regular manner of speaking, while the Moon princess refused to lower her volume in fear of offending her guest. They both claimed to be showcasing their “cultural badassitude” to one another and felt offended when asked to keep it at least a few tones smaller.
“I hope that we can come to an agreement once the contents of the Vault will be unsealed,” said Axton, cautiously drinking from a crystal goblet placed beside him by a unicorn servant. Whatever wine it was, it didn’t have enough kick to get him tipsy even if he drunk a barrel, but the pleasant, berry taste was enough consolidation. “Naturally, if it turns out to be just another monster den, we will help clear it out, free of charge.”
“And if the Vault will contain anything of worthy value, we will be sure to share it with you,” smiled Celestia, sipping her own drink. “Equestria has no need for riches or weapons, so it would be even more beneficial for us if you took those away, if only to not tempt fate. Or other, less cultural travellers.”
A wide grin shot across Axton’s face. It was days like these that made Vault hunting so rewarding. Land on a planet, get greeted properly, meet with royalty, swim in luxury and peacefully-
The balcony shook dangerously, the muffle spell rippling out violently. Even with the lowered volume, it was obvious an explosion occurred. It took Axton’s brain only half a second to realise what has happened - Mr Torgue failed at diplomacy. Again.
* * *
A black cloud hung over Canterlot, slowly drifting away with the gentle breeze. There was soot falling from the sky like snowflakes, covering fleeing ponies in dark stains. The explosion was just too much. It was louder than the Princess hollering incoherently all day long. The flash blinded most ponies who were unfortunate enough to be outside at the time. A shockwave swept most pegasi from the air, reaching so far as to even toppling a few eart-bound ponies.
In general, it was what Axton had feared but forgot in all the friendliness. Now that he remembered, they left Krieg alone in the shuttle, as the brute refused to even so much as budge from his spot. Everything was going downhill. Torgue probably blew up the other regal sister and they’d have to fight their way out. Back at Ponyville they’d probably find a motorcycle gang’s wet dream made out of meat.
As he and Celestia rushed through the castle corridors, the rest of the Vault Hunters joined in, in various states. Gaige had only a towel around her body, her hair a wet and steaming mess. Lilith managed to pull on her undergarments and bring her Maliwan. Salvador had a bare chest for some reason, sprinting to catch up with the rest. Zer0 was gone, as per usual.
Outside, everyone had to cover their mouths. The courtyard was black with smoke, the once green and vibrant garden looking like a post-apocalyptic warzone. A few bushes and trees were singed and there were no animals in sight. Save for Mr. Torgue, apparently in the middle of a sick guitar solo, there was not a living being in sight.
Axton’s bowels churned as he rushed towards the giant of a man, nearly tackling him and hissing: “Torgue! What the fuck have you done!”
“WHOA THERE, PERSONAL SPACE MAN! PERSONAL SPACE!” protested Torgue, easily showing the soldier away. “WHAT DOES IT F--KING LOOK LIKE I’M DOING? I’M SHARING MY CULTURAL HERITAGE WITH THE BADASS ALICORN THAT CAN MOVE ENTIRE MOONS WITH HER BRAIN. DID YOU KNOW THESE TWO CONTROL THE FRIGGIN SOLAR SYSTEM AROUND HERE? F--CK THE DESTROYER OR SOME OTHER CTHULU S--IT, MR. TORGUE COULD WORSHIP HOT PONY PRINCESSES ANY DAY!”
A vein popped out on Axton’s neck, the soldier switching to a tone colder than the void of space. “A pony Princess you just evaporated with explosives, mayhap?”
“EVAPORATE? EVAPORATE?!” Mr Torgue slapped his knee and positively roared with laughter. “THAT LITTLE FIRECRACKER? EVAPORATING A PRINCESS? AXTON, YOUR IGNORANCE IS EQUAL PARTS FUNNY AND SAD!”
The former Dahl sergeant never felt fury like that in his entire life. There he was, practically on a Vault Hunter equivalent of a vacation. Surrounded by ponies who treated him in the most kindest manner. Talking to a level headed and benevolent ruler. He had half a mind to actually retire to Equestria, somewhere along the way and if the alicorn would permit. All of it gone, swept away in a flash of destruction.
Maybe I can salvage this? thought Axton, his eye twitching dangerously at the giant who seemed to be staring into space all of a sudden. Maybe if we turn Torgue over she’ll at least forgive us? Maybe, just maybe this won’t turn into an unneded blood-bath?
“Lulu! What in Tartarus are you up to now! Get down here this instant! Is that how an Equestrian Princess behaves in front of guests?!”
Hearing Zer0’s translation was confusing to everyone. Hearing another voice from above turned out to be an even bigger shocker, though.
“We art sorry, sister! Mr. Torgue was introducing us to his people’s magic, and we must admit we underestimated its potency. We shall clean up the mess post haste, do not threat!”
Axton nearly slumped to the floor and thanked whatever twisted deity there existed for the sight of the blue alicorn descending from the cloud above. Her pristine coat was dirty in several places, but her muzzle was positively beaming with enthusiasm. She landed next to torgue, giddily dancing on her hooves.
“YOU BET YOUR SWEET A-- PONY SHOES I GOT MORE! THAT WAS JUST A CHUMP IN THE GRENADE BUSINESS!” hollered Torgue, grabbing Luna into a sideways hug. “BUT I GUESS WE MUST MOVE TO SOMEPLACE WHERE PARTY POOPERS AREN’T ALLOWED!” He gave the resignated Axton a profuse thumb down.
* * *
The situation in Canterlot normalised within the week. There were a lot of speeches from Celestia, guards providing relief effort to those affected by the cloud. The absence of Mr Torgue and Luna, while worrying, helped the situation immensely and calmed everyone’s nerves.
Gaige managed to repurpose their remaining ‘crappy translators’ into something that could actually translate pony language, allowing for Zer0 to finally stop scraping the barrel of haiku art. With the language barrier lifted, the Vault Hunters could finally satiate their curiosity, learning about pony culture and customs. Turned out that the equines were pretty much similar to humans, sans the internal wars, as Equestria always seemed to have powerful enemies outside their own species to battle.
The matter of the Vault was handled masterfully by another princess going by the name of Twilight Sparkle. She researched in painstaking detail the origins of the Vault, all legends and bits of information neatly compressed into a seventy page research paper. It turned out that the closest thing resembling the Vault would be a place the ponies called Tartarus - currently a prison for evil beings dwelling in the lands. Upon inspection with their Vault Key in person, the Hunters had to concede that, indeed, it was yet another prison.
“I’m sorry that you did not find what you were expecting,” offered Celestia, relaxing in the garden area with the rest of the humans.
“It’s quite fine, Princess,” replied Lilith, stretching herself in the warm embrace of the sun. “As far as I’m concerned, this is the best friggin Vault we ever found.”
“I agree!” chimed in Salvador, pouring another mug of cider into his maw. “You ponies could work on your spirit, but otherwise I’d imagine some folk would pay a lot of credits to stick around for even a day on this planet!”
“You are always welcome to visit. Of all the other humans I met, I must admit you are the most presentable of them all,” smiled Celestia.
“Speaking of presentability though, where is Torgue? And-” Axton froze. “Damnit!”
* * *
Krieg was finally doing it. It took a lot of time and effort. The horses were tiny, but he pulled through. He assembled the shiniest meat bicycles he had ever made. Never in his life would he construct something as colorful and glistering slickly in the sun. Only a few more pulls here and there, a zip-tie more to the rim and it would hold. All in all they were light constructs, nothing as heavy as his other works of art. They were perfect. The perfect pony bicycles.
* * *
Axton’s soul held on for dear life as he and the Princess rode the spell she weaved. It was apparently a very complex and taxing incantation, so the alicorn could take only one of the Hunters, despite all of them being as agitated as the soldier was.
While there was no harm in Torgue throwing explosives around an immortal moon-goddess, leaving Krieg in the vicinity of creatures made of soft tissue could lead to only one conclusion. And even through the haze of rainbow colors, Axton could see it was too late.
There they were. Three bicycles drying in the sun. One was yellow with red hair poking from the sides of the handles. It had a bowtie instead of a light at the front. Another one was pure white with purple hair strapped on. He didn’t get a good look at the third one as he finally impacted into the earth, a pile of ground shooting into the air all around him.
In one fluid motion Axton rolled forward, deploying his turret on manual mode. It would take too long to reprogram the FoF, and he wanted to make extra sure there were no more casualties involved. Tracing the barrel of the turret, he looked around for the psycho.
Everything seemed eerily quiet at the edge of a lush green forest where he and the Princess landed. The alicorn stuck by his side, her horn aglow with a golden aura. It didn’t take much to convince Celestia that Krieg was a dangerous person. Despite her initial protest she finally agreed to use lethal force if necessary.
Slowly, Axton approached the three sickening constructs. There was coagulated blood everywhere. Bones were riveted together with bolts to form a frame wrapped in muscles and chunks of meat. The wavy hair shook delicately in the breeze, probably the only recognisable part of the ponies Kieg used. The solder noticed the shock on Celestia’s face and her quivering lip. He sighed in frustration, bashing himself internally for forgetting entirely about the unstable Hunter.
“NO PEAKING OR I’LL RIP YOUR LIVERS OUT!”
The buzzsaw like voice could belong to only one person in the galaxy. Axton practically whipped around and took aim with his shoulder-mounted command module, the turret near his landing crater tracking his motions. A red dot appeared on Krieg’s head. The psycho was bent over and pushing…
Pushing three little fillies in front of him. There was a yellow, a white, and orange one, all sporting short wavy manes and tails. The trio was giggling and jumping excitedly against the strong hands of the psycho leading them. All of them had their eyes blindfolded by a piece of red cloth.
Krieg ignored both the petrified Axton and wavering Celestia, walking past them towards his creations. It took nearly two days of non-stop work to assemble the surprise, and nothing could spoil this moment for him.
Never before had he actually made a friend, and having three at once was both overwhelming and exhilarating. Hell be damned if he understood them, but most of the time he didn’t get what was happening in his own head. Still, he could feel the ponies’ trust and good-will past the language barrier, almost instantly becoming one of them. They gave him a cape to wear, with a similar mark their own garments had. He had been accepted into some kind of clan and together, the four of them had amazing and refreshing adventures. There were funny moments in which they would all get tree-sap all over. There was action in which he could mutilate mutated cat scorpions to defend his friends. And also there were the parts where they drank brown water from fancy cups.
“OPEN YOUR SOULS AND FEAST YOUR EYES!” declared Krieg, untying each blindfold quickly.
* * *
“Whoa, awesome!” squeaked Scootaloo, immediately zipping towards the bone-bicycle. “It’s almost like one from Ghost Ryder! Do you think we could get Cutie Marks in punishing the wicked?”
“There is only one way to find out!” excitedly shouted Apple Bloom, straddling her own bike. It was a perfect size for her, and the hair on the sides explained why their big human friend collected it after a failed Crusade in Barbershopping.
The trio clopped hooves together, screaming “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS GHOST RYDERS, GO!”
Their friend pumped a hand in the air too and said something in his garbled language, diving behind a bush and tugging something out of it. It looked like another bicycle, this one a lot larger and more ornate. If anything, it looked like an authentic replica.
With a rattling that instilled fear in the wicked (and not only), the Crusaders and Honorary Crusader from Outer Space took off towards Sweet Apple Acres.
* * *
‘What just happened’ was a question everyone wanted to ask, but no one had the mental capacity to do. Celestia, Axton, and now Twilight Sparkle all stood at the edge of everfree, near a giant stain of blood that once bore the three meat bicycles. They all looked down as four figures zipped around Sweet Apple Acres.
“Those are made of meat, correct?” tried Twilight, cocking her head to the side.
Axton nodded.
“And he gave them to the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”
Shrug.
“Where did he get the, uh… materials?” worriedly asked Celestia
Silence.
“Well, Fluttershy said that the hydra in Froggy Bottom Bog has been rather quiet as of late...”
Everyone stared as a piece of meat fell off of Krieg’s bike, tumbling a bit before resting in the dirt, shaded by a majestic apple tree.
“So, he didn’t hurt anypony?”
A loud sniff.
“Can we just leave him like this?”
The smaller bicycles begun circling around the larger one as it twirled doughnuts, kicking up an obscuring wall of dust. A few seconds later all four shapes burst out of it, going beyond the horizon towards the eastern fields.
“Cider?” offered Twilight, stiffly turning around.
“Yes, please,” sighed Celestia, her body visibly uncoiling from the recent stress.
“A lot, please,” chimed in Axton, disassembling his turret with a blank expression.
* * *
After much debate over cider, it was decided that the Cutie Mark Crusaders would take care of Krieg for the time being. Maybe it was their pleas and crying or the narrow miss of a buzzsaw to Twilight’s face that drove the point home, but it was clear that the psycho didn’t want to leave any of his new friends. The decision to let him stay, declared from behind the thick crystal doors of Harmony Castle, caused a loud cheer followed by crackling of bone on stone as the four sped off towards their next crusading target.
“No offense to you, Axton, but you have some really weird friends,” said Celestia, massaging her temples.
“I’ll be the first to admit every one of us has a story that would make a lesser man break down and cry,” sighed the soldier, relaxing into the crystal chair of a rather spacy conference room. “I’m really sorry for causing you so much grief, your majesty.”
“Oh, think nothing of it. This is hardly out of the ordinary for Equestria, to be honest.”
Axton chuckled, swirling his drink around. “I understand. Oh, the things we’ve seen and been through… Sometimes I’m not sure why I keep chasing these damn Vaults. Think I’m getting too old for all this.”
“That’s my line,” chuckled Celestia.
* * *
“Announcing, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza of the Crystal Empire and her royal husband, Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire!!” shouted a crystal pony clad in golden armor.
“Cadence! Shiny!” cheered Twilight, immediately embracing her sister-in-law and brother.
“Twilight, hello!” smiled Cadence, nuzzling her niece. “I’m sorry it took us almost a month to visit. We had some trouble with wildlife becoming… strange.”
“Oh? What happened?” asked Twilight, leading the crystal rulers towards the rest of the private party participants.
“Well… it might sound silly now, but just two weeks ago we were certain that Sombra was coming back. All the animals were getting black fur and red eyes, becoming extremely hostile to ponies. We were in the middle of an investigation when the attacks suddenly stopped. Our scouts reported that the wildlife was back to normal, if not more skittish than before.”
“Hmm, weird,” mused Twilight, sitting down on a pillow. “Maybe we could talk about this more later on. There is bound to be something usefull in my books.”
“Thanks, Twily,” smiled Shining, ruffling her sister’s mane. He turned his gaze towards the humans. They weren’t as bad looking as he suspected and they looked quite friendly. “Greetings, humans. I am Shining Armor, former Captain of the Royal Guard, currently co-ruler of the Crystal Empire. Husband to the most amazing mare in the galaxy,” he smiled cheekily, avoiding a playful swat from Cadence.
“Shiny, stop embarrassing me in front of the guests. He always does that, I swear,” laughed Cadance. “Anyway, I’m Mi Amore Cadenza, but my friends call me Cadance. It is really nice to finally meet you!” she gave everyone a warm smile. She furrowed her brows a little after counting all the participants. “Aunty, I believe you said there were seven visitors? Aren’t three missing? And where is Aunt Luna?”
“Oh, yes, hmm,” soughed Celestia, ruffling her wings a little. “One of our visitors decided to stay in Ponyville and… well, he’s staying there for now. I believe that the one called Zer-oh is somewhere around and… Well, my sister and Mr Torgue...” The alicorn shook her head and sighed. “I sent a letter to Lulu, telling her that we’d have this get-together, but I can’t be certain she got the flame.”
As if right on queue, an ornately clad batpony entered the tall meeting hall, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Introducing,” started the thestral, looking down at a page he held in his iron-clad hoof, “Princess Luna of Equestria and her companion.” The pony stopped and squinted, gulping nervously. “And her companion, Mr. Torgue, former head of Torgue Corporation, Badass supreme, lifter of more than yo mamma could ever weigh, conqueror of the Frozen North and… and the sickest air guitar player according to Luchadore Special edition 9/11.”
As soon as the batpony finished, offering a blushing, apologetic smile, the doors to the chamber flew open. In the frame stood Luna and Mr. Torgue. Both of them had wide smiles on their faces and wore black, fuzzy cloaks around their withers and shoulders.
“WHAT’S UP EVERYPONY! DID YOU MISS THESE GUNS?” hollered Torgue, flexing his powerful muscles. “IT’S NICE TO SEE ALMOST EVERYONE IN ONE PLACE! THIS WILL BE A FUCKING AWESOME PARTY, WOO!”
The giant jumped in the air and slid forward on his knees, folding his hands around an invisible guitar. Noone was ready for the epic solo that played out afterwards, later in history called the Voice of Royal Canterlot Heavy Metal.
* * *
“...AND THEN, MR TORGUE FINALLY DID IT! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT FUCKING BEAR’S FACE WHEN IT FLEW INTO LOW ORBIT! IT’S ALL ABOUT SPEAKING FROM YOUR GUT, NOT THE LUNGS! YOU GUYS SHOULD TOTALLY TRY IT SOMETIMES!”
Most of the room was still recoiling from the first ever musical performance made with the indomitable volume of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Those that could hear the story, namely the remaining alicorn Princesses, were both fascinated and troubled by the fact that a human could master the technique.
“How did you manage to teach him, Aunt?” finally asked Cadence, lapping at one of the few goblets that managed to not shatter just a few moments ago.
“We think that it was always within his capabilities. He just needed guidance,” beamed Luna, letting herself be pulled in by Torgue into a hug that would squeeze out a regular pony out like a tube of toothpaste. “We must admit that under the gruff exterior, Mr Torgue is a sensitive and beautiful, if not misunderstood person. The beauty of his explosions is so often shunned and feared. You can say I can somewhat relate to him.”
“LUNA, STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT! MR TORGUE IS A BADASS, MANLY MAN WHO CAN NOW SHOUT BEARS INTO OUTER SPACE!”
“Of course you are, ” giggled Luna, nipping at the man’s ear.
“Lulu!” gasped Celestia, looking between the human and her sister.
* * *
Adventure was a merciless mistress. Her calls could be ignored or muffled out, but in the end she always got you. No matter where you were, or how hard you tried, once an adventurer, always an adventurer. Save for the rare event of an overused meme happening to your knee, an adventurous soul grew restless when staying too long in one place.
And so it was that after nearly two months of bliss, the Vault Hunters decided to move on. There was a mandatory party in Ponyville to say good-bye, and the Hunters received an abundance of presents and supplies. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing.
Krieg the Psycho basically vanished on launch day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders obviously lying about not knowing his whereabouts. No amount of explaining or bargaining helped, the fillies adamant about keeping the human in Equestria. Even the prospect of punishments of feigned threats of going to the moon were meant with sobbing defiance, which eventually led to Twilight Sparkle conceding and promising to find a way to either incorporate the human into Equestrian society or find a way to send him Axton’s way.
Mr Torgue was more straightforward about his desire to stay. And overly loud about it.
“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SCRAPED THE SURFACE OF THE POWER CANTERLOCK HOLDS,” said Torgue, thankfully sparing the eardrums of the Vault Hunters with his normal shouting voice. “I’M STAYING, AND THAT’S FINAL! THIS PLACE FEELS LIKE HOME, AND IT DESERVES FOR MR TORGUE TO CALL IT SO!”
“But Torgue, amigo, what about all the cool explosions you’ll be missing out on, eh?” offered Salvador, winking at the rest of the hunters.
“EXPLOSIONS? EXPLOSIONS?! SON, YOU AND I WERE BLIND ALL OUR FUCKING LIVES! YOU WANNA SEE EXPLOSIONS?!” hollered Torgue, briskly pacing towards one of the many balconies in Canterlot. He looked around, briefly, flicking his spectacles onto his forehead and grinning. “SEE THAT LANDSLIDE OVER THERE? WHAT A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE! THE GODDAMN EARTH PONIES CAN’T MOVE THEIR CARTS AROUND IT. WHAT A FUCKING SHAME NO-ONE HAS A BADASS VOICE THAT CAN REMOVE THE OBSTACLE TO HELP THE POOR PONIES OUT. OH WAIT! THERE FUCKING IS!”
Torgue took a mighty breath, shifting his legs into a more stable stance. He rolled his hands into fists, positioning them at his sides and straining his muscles.
“FUS RO DAH, BITCH!”
An audible crack sounded through the air, a visible, rippling wave descending upon the earth. It looked like a mighty fantom was howling down on the unsuspecting ponies. Before anyone could react, the shockwave impacted, causing an explosion that cratered the area where the landslide was. A small mushroom of dust erupted, quickly settling down upon the confused and screaming ponies below.
“TA-FUCKING-DAH! YOU SEE? MR TORGUE HAS BARELY BEGUN HIS LIFE’S WORK! IF YOU THOUGHT TORGUE CORPORATION WAS THE TOP OF MY CAREER, THINK AGAIN! THIS TIME NEXT YEAR EVERY MOTHERFUCKING BADASS WILL BE READING ‘HOW TO SHOUT THE MEAT OFF OF YOUR OPPONENT’S BONES’, PRICED AT A CONVENIENT SIXTY-NINE CREDITS PER COPY!”
“Okay, okay, we get it,“ said Axton, barely capable of hearing his own voice over the ringing in his ears. “But do you think the Princesses will be okay with that? You basically weaponizing their manner of speech?”
“LUNA HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH IT, SO I DON’T SEE WHY NOT! EVEN IF I WON’T MAKE IT INTO A BOOK, I CAN ALWAYS BECOME SOME GURU MASTER THAT BADASSES CAN SEEK OUT, AND HAVE TRIALS N SHIT WITH TO BECOME MY PADAWAN. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT RETIREMENT PLAN TO ME.”
“Mr Torgue! I thought I specifically asked you to not practice your… Canterlock, within the city!” huffed Celestia, trotting nervously into the throne room and looking out at the mayhem below.
“I’M SORRY PRINCESS, I WAS ONLY HELPING MOVE THAT FUCKING PILE Of ROCKS SO IT DIDN’T HINDER THE EARTH PONY’S ONLY TRADING ROUTE WITH MANEHATTAN. YOU’RE WELCOME!”
* * *
“You think it was a wise idea to leave those two on Equestria, Axton? My gut tells me we sorta doomed the ponies,” pointed out Salvador, looking down at the rapidly shrinking globe below.
“They didn’t protest much, to be honest,” shrugged Lilith, toying around with a tome she received from Twilight Sparkle. “Who knows, maybe it’ll be the ponies who break the badasses.”
“Anyway, it’s not like they’ll stay there forever,” smirked Axton. “I don’t know about you guys, but I think I found my favorite vacationing place this side of the Eye of Terror. We can pick them up in a year or few when they grow bored of living on the surface.”
“Unless they burn everything down to the ground,” chuckled Gaige.
“Has anyone seen Zer0?” asked Lilith
* * *
Zer0 sighed and sat down miserably, looking at the burning star that was the shuttle disappearing into the night. There weren’t enough syllables to portray his dismay at being left behind. Constructing a haiku around a single emotion seemed pointless, now that his comrades were gone. For the first time in his life, the assassin settled for a single word.
Shit
