"Negotiations" Between a Princess and a President

by KaBar42

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Other
Length: 2703

Celestia, stupidly, decides to threaten the US President with invasion. Needless to say, he's not impressed.

Celestia may be going crazy...

And how shall these "negotiations" through e-mail turn out?

If you favorite this story, please leave a comment explaining why.
Same if you disliked the story. Please leave a comment explaining why.

Published 2014-09-23 03:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-11 02:45:05 UTC

Day 1

“Negotiations” Between a Princess and a President
Chapter 1

Dear President McClure,

Under the authority of the Solar Crown, I, Princess Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun demand that you cede power of the United States to become a territory of Equestria.

This power change will include your military coming under my rule, your resources and your weapons.

Signed,
Princess Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun

Dear Princess Celestia,

Uh… what?

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear President McClure,

I demand that you cede all authority and control of your nation, the United States of America over to me. The US will become a territory and state of Equestria.

Signed,
Princess Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yeah… no. I can’t do that. Not only would it not pass, but Congress would also have to approve it. And it sure as hell is not going to pass through them.

I am, however, willing to increase military correspondence.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear President McClure,

Then I shall take the US by force. I have one million loyal soldiers willing to serve me and battle for Equestria. I have millions of tons of food stored up and my subjects are willing to go to war for me, to boost my army to an even larger size.
We’ve trebuchets and rams. Armored carriages and battle armored stallions. Swords and axes, bows and spears. Unicorn battle mages and pegasi legions.

We shall destroy your defenses and lay waste to your men!

Sincerely,
Your Official Enemy, Princess Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun

Dear Celestia,
…

What in the name of God has gotten into you?

You and I both know you hold no candle to the US and have no chance of successfully invading the US.

Seriously, where the hell did this sudden change in attitude come from? What happened to the tactical thinking Celestia? Now you’re actually threatening me with iron when I control the world’s largest armory of nuclear arms. And yet you think you can threaten me with trebuchets and rams. Unicorn mages and pegasi legions? One million soldiers? I have nearly two million. And with China having just signed a defense treaty with the US, that boosts our numbers up so much more.

We use tanks and helicopters. Planes that fly far outside of the reach of a pegasi. Jets that are far faster than any of your pegasi can fly.
We have men that can kill you from hundreds of meters away and you will never even know they are there.

Our weapons can reach you at four hundred meters. And yet you still believe that
you can invade my country?

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Mr. McClure,
Our magic shall destroy your lines, Discord shall turn your weapons into bubble
blowers. You shall be turned to stone.

I shall march on the street and take my rightful place as the ruler of The United Kingdom of Equestria!

Sincerely,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

You’ve gone batshit insane. What happened? Now you’re claiming to be a queen and renaming your planet, which the UN and the United Nations of Anima all agreed the planet was named “Anima”.

You yourself were the first signatory of the agreement. In fact, you were the person that brought this problem to light.

Also, now you’re attempting to claim all of Earth for yourself?

Careful, you’re wondering into dangerous territory here, Celly.

After Convention 13 was signed, we now have a treaty that if one nation is attacked by non-Earth forces, every other nation will back the nation attacked.

You’re sticking your head into the Lion’s mouth. Be wary.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Mr. McClure,

I do not care for your mortal armies! I am God! The fact that I have allowed you to live this long has shown you just how merciful I am.

If you refuse to cede power of Earth to me, I shall squash your pathetic armies!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,
You are undeniably absolutely crazy. For many reasons.
A.) I do not control the world, I am president of the United States of America and its territories

B.) And you are not God.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear McClure,
I AM GOD!

I SHALL DESTROY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! EVERYTHING THAT YOU LOVE SHALL BE CRUSHED BENEATH MY HOOVES. I SHALL WALK ON THE BONES OF FALLEN SOLDIERS AND SUBJUGATE EVERYONE OF YOU PATHETIC HUMANS!

YOU SHALL BECOME SLAVES! INFERIOR TO PONIES IN EVERY WAY!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

I’m telling you this as a friend, seek some help.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I DO NOT NEED HELP!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

Yes, yes you do.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I WILL GRIND UP YOUR BONES AND FEED THEM TO YOUR CHILDREN!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

If it makes you feel better, keep thinking that.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I WILL GIVE YOUR WIFE TO MY STALLIONS FOR FUN!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

If your unhinged mind is just going to continue threatening me, please don’t email me again.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I WILL DEFILE YOUR CORPSE!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

Right… I’m going to contact Twilight and tell her to check on you.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I WILL BUILD A CASTLE AROUND YOUR LIVE BOUND BODY!

With Regality,
Queen Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun, Ruler of Equus and Its Sub-Planet

Dear Celestia,

Well, I’m going to let you go for the night, it’s already nearly zero-one-hundred here.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

DON’T YOU DARE TURN THAT COMPUT-

Dante closed the lid of his laptop before he finished, as he slowly lifted himself out of his chair from the Resolute Desk.

Stretching his back out as he heard a few pops as he pulled his neck back and forth. Popping the bones in there.

“Fucking hell. Sleeping in a fucking foxhole in Afghanistan with mortars exploding around me is more fucking comfortable than sitting at that damn desk all day.” He commented to himself.

He yawned as he slowly walked out of the room to join his wife in their room. Celestia could wait until tomorrow.

Author's Note

Comedy Time!

Just a quick fic that will probably get continued.

If you like this chapter or favorite this story, please leave a comment explaining why.
Same if you didn't like this chapter, or disliked the story. Please leave a comment explaining why.

Day 2

“Negotiations” Between a Princess and a President
Chapter 2

Dante slid out of bed, stretching his back and popping it. He looked over his shoulder, to see that his wife wasn't there anymore. He wasn't that surprised, she was probably off visiting some inner city school in DC.

Pushing himself off the bed, he pulled his arms upwards, stretching the muscles in them and his back.

He rolled his neck as he went to his dresser and pulled his Rolex on, a family heirloom from his Grandfather, from his tour in the Second World War. The band was scratched to all hell, but the watch was still going strong.

He slipped his pajama pants off, and quickly slid the dress pants he had hanging on he chair on.

He continued this basic process for everything else, as he finally finished with a tie.

He opened the door and was greeted with a familiar face.

“Damnit Takenawa, what do you do? Just wait outside my room all night?” Dante growled as he was greeted by his assistant, a petite Asian women named Thereasa Takenawa . She gave a curt nod and handed Dante a cup of hot coffee.

Dante graciously took the cup as he started walking forward.

“When's my first appointment?” Dante asked.

“Not until nine, sir.” Dante brough his left wrist up to his face checking his watch. The watch read seven.

“Shit, I woke up late today. Go ahead and do anything you need to do, Takenawa, I'll be in the Office.”

A gust of wind blew through the completely closed hallway, as Dante turned around.

He stared blankly at the spot Takenawa had been at, now completely empty except for a few falling leaves that came out of nowehere.

“Fuckin' Asians.” Dante mumble to himself as he finished the small walk back to the Office.

He plopped down in the chair behind the desk as he booted up the laptop that was resting on the desktop.

He was greeted by another E-mail.

Dear Dante,

I believe we got off on the wrong foot yesterday. Allow me to give you the proposal again.

If you cede power to me of the United States, I will allow you to keep control of California.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful, Omnipotent, Ruler of the Day, Equestria and everything under its skies, Queen Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm afraid I still can not accept the proposal. And even if I could, why would I? No one wants California, I hate that state!

Now again, I ask that you do not contact about me again about this. I will not respond any further after this comment.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear Dante,

I will grant you Canada as well.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful, Omnipotent, Ruler of the Day, Equestria and everything under its skies, Queen Celestia.

Dear Dante,

I see that you haven't responded yet, I just wanted to remind you that I sent that E-mail.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful, Omnipotent, Ruler of the Day, Equestria and everything under its skies, Queen Celestia.

Dear Dante,

I DEMAND THAT YOU RESPOND TO ME!

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful, Omnipotent, Ruler of the Day, Equestria and everything under its skies, Queen Celestia.

Dear Dante,

THATS IT! I'M SENDING DISCORD AFTER YOU!

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful, Omnipotent, Ruler of the Day, Equestria and everything under its skies, Queen Celestia.

Dante heard a crack in front of him, as he looked to the area in front of the Resolute desk and saw Discord there with a maniacal grin on his face...

Dear Mrs. Twilight,

Uh... is there any possibility you could come to the White House? We have a slight problem with a certain... Mr. Discord.

I've sent the Osprey normally used for Marine One to pick you up. Your help would be very apprpeciated.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear President McClure,

Are you okay? What did he do?

Sincerely, Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

I apologize for my title mistake in the last message, I didn't realize that you had become a princess.

I'm perfectly fine.

Discord... eh, not so much.

Sincerely,
President Dante T. McClure

Dear President McClure,

That's good to hear. I've just been picked up by the Osprey that you sent and I'm on my way there right now.

I should be there in an hour.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Dante stood outside the hospital door, two Secret Service agents flanking him on both sides, and his assistant Takenawa standing outside the flank.

Ten snipers were position on each building, bright red lasers visibly landing on anyone who even dared to walk within a two-hundred meter radius from Dante.

An armored Humvee thundered down the street, as people made clear for the rather distracting Red, White and Blue lights flashing atop of it and the American Anthem playing from it.

Dante leaned over to the Secret Service agent on his left. He whispered.

“Tell me whose decision it was to make Presidential Humvees like that, again.” Dante said.

The SS agent responded. “I believe it was your daughter who asked you to do it, Sir.”

“Oh, right.” Dante grumbled to himself.

The Humvee pulled up to the hospital, as an armed Marine got out from the passenger back side and walked over to the driver back side and opened the door. As a rather small, relative to the Humvee's size and height, Princess Twilight clambered out.

The Marine, as soon as the Humvee door was closed, snapped to attention, saluting.

“Sir, Princess twilight has arrived, as you have requested.” Dante returned the salute.

“At ease Marine.” Dante barked as the Marine finished has salute snapped to his resting stand.

Dante turned to the purple alicorn waiting in front of him. He held his hand out as twilight put her hoof out, their forelimbs met and they shook.

“Hello, Princess Twilight. It's nice to see you again. I hope your trip was okay.”

Twilight gave a small glance back at the Marine who was standing at rest near the Humvee, as he glanced. She thought no one had noticed it.

“It was... lovely. Any who, I believe you had something about Discord. No one got hurt, did they?” She asked.

Dante glanced around quickly.

“Er, I wouldn't say hurt, badly. Permanently. Crippling. But, uh, Smith, could you lead the Princess to the room? I need to do something real quick.” The SS agent that was standing to the right of Dante, apparently named Smith, nodded. As Twilight followed Smith, the agent to the left of Dante stayed where he was as Dante walked to the resting Marine.

Dante stopped in front of him of the Marine, as he snapped to attention again.

He gave the Marine a look that only a father could give.

“Go for it.” Was what Dante said.

“Sir, I'm sorry, Sir?”

“Don't think I didn't notice that glance. I was young once to, you know. Don't let her get away.”

“Sir, is that an order, Sir?'

“Is that an order!” Dante barked. “You're damned right it's an order, you scum sucking maggot! What do you think I am! Some pussy-footed Canadian that has to ask nicely! I am the damned President of the United States! Now get on the goddamned ground and give me some motherfuckin' push-ups until the Princess comes back out! Do you understand that, you disgusting waste of air! Your mother would be ashamed that you were the fastest one when you can't even tell the goddamned difference between an order and a request!”

“Sir, Yes, Sir!” The Marine dropped to the ground and immediately began doing Marine push-ups. Which is a mix between normal push-ups and doing a small hop with your hands while clapping them together. Very difficult to do.

Dante turned away from the Marine, walking into the hospital with his agent and assistant following close behind him.

“Smith!” Dante called from down the hall. “Go ahead and open the door. Show her.”

Smith responded in kind, pushing open the door.

Twilight gasped. On the bed lay a broken and bruised Discord. His eagle's talon forelimb in a cast, a black eye, a cast on his both of his legs, a neck brace and bandage on his head. The only thing that was free was his lion's paw. Discord groaned in pain as he heard the door open.

Dante walked up to the hospital door and calmly explained himself.

“I can assure you, Princess Twilight, this has absolutely nothing to do with the bloody, bent bat in the Oval Office, the broken window in the Oval Office, or the bloody rock laying right outside the broken window.”

Twilight's jaw dropped.

Author's Note

Let me make this absolutely clear.

This fic is not to be taken seriously. And if you take it seriously, you deserve to be banished to the moon. It's a parody.

Anyway, hope you liked this chapter.