(1) Slap My Ass and Call Me Caleb!
All intellectual property belongs to Rooster Teeth studios and Hasbro.
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It's been a beatiful day in Equestria, the kingdom of the pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies!
What the hell have I been smoking, you ask, dear reader? Not much, my dealer got arrested. Asshole had it coming, charging more and more. Anyways, could you stop derailing the story?
Well, as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would say, 'Can I be in charge for a while? Thank you very much!'
Wait, you want a little backstory first before I throw you into the chaos that this story is?
Well, welcome to the planet of Equis! For more than ten thousand years there was a war between all of the nations, which include but are not limited to:
Equestria, where the pegasi, earth ponies and unicorns live, it's capital is Canterlot. The five princesses live there!
We also have the North Republic, where the valkyries live, they are a mix between an earth pony and a pegasus. Extremely resistant to cold and hunger, they are able to live up to two hundred years, and a few are known to live even longer than that.
There is also Eden, the flying city of clouds, where the angels live.
Contrary to the common belief, they are not alicorns. They are simply a mix of a pegasus and a unicorn, which might make them as superior, but are very infertile and of small numbers.
Before any confusion arises, alicorns are not born, they are made by magic, they are all parts pony, with all these part drastically increased.
The Crystal Empire, ruled by one of the only alicorns in the world, Queen Cadenza, who rules over the crystal ponies, who actually came to be through magic, like the alicorns.
On the border of the Badlands and the jungles live batponies, in their own tribes. Quite opposite of angels, batponies are one of the most fertile creatures on the world.
The minotaurs and griffons live in the mountains, they are quite violent and defensive over their territories. They live in city-states, the largest of them being the minotaur Sparta, the griffon Athens and the city where minotaurs and griffons can hide from the rest of the world,
Olympia. A city set up in the name of the griffons' god, Zeus.
Then there are the kirin.
Half pony,
Half wyvern.
The kirin live mainly near the volcanoes in the mountains of the Hephaestus along with the majestic dragons and their smaller, wyvern brothers.
The kirin are one of the most dangerous creatures known to ponykind, immune to fire like the dragons, with the amazing regenerative powers of the wyverns, making them incredibly resilient creatures.
I'll spoil you something; one of our main characters is a kirin!
Well, enough of the boring country stuff! Which I don't find boring, actually it's fascinating! But people like you are impatient and want to see what kind of retarded plot I stuffed inside this knucklefuck of a story, oui?
Alicorns however - there was one but now are six, there is an ongoing search for the seventh alicorn.
There are also believed to be somewhere two more alicorns - Selena and Juna.
There is Queen of the Crystal Empire, Cadence, and the Princesses of Equestria.
There are also the changelings, spiders, centaurs, elementals, zebras and more less important races.
"You miserable excuse for a kirin! Do you think you are strong? You will not laugh! [1] You will not smile! And most importantly, YOU, WILL , NEVER, disobey a direct order from your superiors you slimy cocksuckers!" The kirin drill Instructor screamed out.
His coat was green in color, he looked just like an oversized pony, but instead of normal, pegasus wings he had giant, leathery wings a shade darker than his coat. His back legs ended with claws instead of hooves, and his tail was closer to that of a dragon's and a wyvern's. He wore a military uniform which covered most of his legs, chest and flank.
He was Gunnery Sergeant Hartdrake, the pride of the army of the United Dragon Tribes, which consisted of the dragons, wyverns and kirin. As opposite to what the rest of the world believed, kirins were the most formidable warriors on the battlefield, not dragons, not wyverns.
"Now, we begin the physical exam. Turn right! I said turn right you sacks of shit!" He said, and the present kirin saw him smile for the first time as they turned.
Everydrake had a nightmare that night, that was the smile of a pyromaniac who was about to burn down an orphanage.
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"Oh Wangren above, fucking Hartdrake and his motherfucking P.T!" complained Solar Corona as she walked through the scorched lands.
The kirin's coat was dark blue, while her mane was long and flowing, it was white and red [2]. Her hind legs and left front leg were hooves, while instead of a right hoof she had a claw. Also, instead of normal fur, a big part of her chest was made of scales.
In her blind anger, she grabbed a rock with her claw and threw it to the left.
As the rock landed behind a very large rock, she heard a 'yelp' and a 'shut the fuck up you moron'.
She got into a battle stance facing the rock and where the voices came from.
She was being followed.
"Who's there?! Get out from behind that rock!" She commanded. After two minutes she was growing insufferably impatient.
"Gladly, m'lady, but our tower's stuck!" She heard another, different voice. There were at least three of them.
Dragons? The rock is too small. Wyverns? Hardly probable but not impossible. That leaves it to either kirins or outsiders. And what's with that tower, was it an innuendo?
"That was a good one, Ray!" She heard a feminine voice.
Solar was concerned, there were four of them, maybe more. She wouldn't stand a chance. Better approach them while they're still friendly.
Slowly, she circled the rock, what she saw puzzled her terribly.
There were four weird creatures trying to pull out a big piece of something black.
One of them wore a green shirt with some kind of a black face, a scarf with the same theme and a hat.
Another one wore what looked like a hoodie made out of bear's skin, and had glasses.
The third one also had glasses, was dressed in a tuxedo, had a white mask and a top hat. To top it off, he had a rose pinned to his suit.
The fourth one was different, she wore orange clothing, and had real, orange wings sticking out of her back.
"Hi there, pony thing, care to help us out? We'll repay you... somehow!" Said the female, pointing to the thing stuck in the ground.
Unknown Location - A little over tea time.
“You can make a fine cup of Lipton tea Mortis, anyone ever tell you that?” Asked a bipedal being sat in the shade, sipping on a slightly illuminated cup of tea, crossing her hands after placing the cup down. One could see the patterns on the cup, mostly figures of bones and skulls with soft ivory trim around the base for the foot of the cup.
There were many creatures in the dark, some visible, some not, all sitting around a gargantuan, round table, everyone drinking some kind of liquid.
“Destiny - please stop the name dropping, anyone could be listening in.” Said another figure, this one equine, sitting back, in the dark, also drinking tea.
“Hey now, stop the title dropping, L!” Commented another being, you could only see the eagle claw and two different horns sticking out from this figure, this person drinking a custom alcoholic beverage, he didn’t name it, the only thing he could say about it that it was “strong as dicks”.
“Chaos - stop that you little coc-” Started a different being, but was silenced by the Mortis before it could all go downhill.
“Silence, fools.” Mortis, the avatar of Death, and the only person sitting at the table who was not covered in shadows, commanded. He was wearing a black, silky cloak, under which one could see two hands sticking out, each of having five long digits.
He was drinking a very dense, black liquid. Leaning near him over the table was his long scythe, glowing a soft, slightly transparent green, with a skull on the top connecting the shaft and the unnecessary, but impressive blade.
“I gathered you all here because of the… ‘outsiders™.’ ” He said, his deep voice silencing all whispers and outbursts from the avatars and immortals gathered at the table.
“Finally some people who can actually get something done and get C, L and T back!” Shouted a female figure, only her deep blue, incredibly large eyes, if compared to the rest of the world’s races.
“Oh boy, here we go! Can someone shut up the pink menace before she starts again?" Asked a male with a very deep voice, annoyed and angry because of the neccesity of being in one room with such a miserable bunch of immortals. Resting on the table were his spear and sword.
“ARES.” Reprimanded Mortis, glaring at the God of War.
Another person, her only part visible being her helmet and a part of her clothes, which were pearly white, her helmet gold with a green mohawk. She looked over her shoulder, and whispered to nobody.
“God of the Mindless War, you mean?”
[Redactor's Note: It was unknown whether the author presented the Goddess, Athena as talking to herself, to someone who was not mentioned or simply breaking "the fourth wall"]
Under the Floating City of Eden.
Zaphreal Gadriel was having a great day. He was just ranked the first Class A Fire User since Uriel, who died centuries ago, and has also been ranked a Class B Light User - a rank almost as rare.
What do those classes mean, you ask? You might think of them as titles - when someone becomes a Class A user of anything they instantly become an Archduke, and on top of that is written into the history books.
The only thing that’d simply destroy his day mercilessly would be heretics ambushing him! Of course, the Phoenix of Eden, as was his title now, would incinerate them! Or shoot them with his amazing bow, Taulmaril - a gift for his great-great grandfather from the King himself for his bravery in the latest war against the Thestrals.
Which was 300 years ago. Oh, these Equestrian Princesses and their “world peace”, who wants that? How can you get off scot-free with burning down a village now?
Back on track, his bow was beautifully crafted by the best of best in whole Eden, enchanted by the Royal Archmage and blessed by the Archbishop themselves!
The bow was accompanied by a quiver, from which one could get all the arrows in the world, as they never ended, unless they were not fired, simply thrown out or broken.
They were silver arrows, extremely effective against the damned batponies, or the devils themselves if they ever dared to show their faces around.
It shot the arrows out so fast they became a blur of light, and they either detonated or dissolved, which additionally burned the fool who was unfortunate enough to be stuck by such arrow.
Right now he was descending off of the Flying City, gliding under. It was a blind spot, and the Royal Mages detected a powerful magical signature coming from there.
It was a third after 4PM, twenty minutes to be precise, his favorite time of the day, he found fire spells easier to be cast at that time.
Why? He did not know that - nor did it bother him. He was a pyromancer, not a sorcerer, nor a researcher.
He really hoped they were thestrals, it’d be childs play to pick them off.
When he touched the ground, he looked around for a bit, soon finding some weird contraption. It was most probably flipped upside down, it looked like a carriage but had no harnesses.
It had a weird mish-mash of metal on the back, with two handles over it’s side, as if one could grab onto it, but why? Why make something so… unnecessary?
There were two seats, each of them shaped for a bipedal being, like theminotaurs, or the damned devils, and what’s it called…
Oh, humans! That’s right! The seats were a little… small so maybe they were made by the weird humans! Nobody knows much about them, they live on a landmass far, far away from the other races, usually bringing valuable and unknown resources, showing off their technology.
Last time he heard of human science was that they were making machines which could fly on their own! Not an entirely impossible thought, but to think he would live in such an age where one could fly without straining themselves?
He would actually be delighted to meet a human, he only had the pleasure of seeing one when he was just a child, what was his name? Boneparty? Ponyparte? Doesn’t matter, they were quite a violent race when they wanted to be!
Around three thousand years ago the minotaurs and griffons tried to invade the humans.
It was generous to call it a war, as the humans completely drove the invaders off before they could get off the shore. The griffons are still recovering.
What is weird about the humans - they deny the existence of any gods except their own, one, single God. They say that all the other immortals are false gods and have no place in this world. It just warmed the angels’ hearts when it was their God who they praised!
As he got close to the vehicle, he heard someone shouting not too far away.
It was something along the lines of ‘three, two, one and pull!’, as if someone was stuck.
He grabbed the carriage, and with as much strength he could muster, he tried to flip the machine. It barely budged. Well, he can’t do anything here, so he went to find the shouting people.
After five minutes or so, he found them. In a hilarious situation, may I say! One was stuck in the ground up to his neck, two were trying to pull him out and one was just sitting on a rock, laughing his ass off.
“Come on, Geoff, that’s not funny! Help them pull me out!” Said the stuck human, he had slightly longer hair than the rest, which stuck out from behind his steel helmet, which looked like a dragon’s skull.
He also wore a blue suit which covered all of his body, and the most important parts were also covered by additional armor.
“Fuck off Kerry, you deserve all of that!” Said the one on the rock, Geoff.
He wore a green suit of armor which looked very heavy, and he also held a helmet which covered all of his head and bore an orange visor. On his back was something that looked like a child of a crossbow, a shield, and a spear.
It was a long object with a handle and a long barrel, it had the words “Pegglemaster 2000” written on it’s side. He also held a very big knife in his hands, sharpening it on his outfit. It almost looked like a machete but it possessed a very sharp end.
One of the humans trying to pull out “Kerry” was simply huge. He had a weird suit, which looked like it was made out of leather, a green shirt, red pants, and on the ground was a blue helmet. He had a belt on which held a hammer, wrench, and one of those weird Saddle Arabian revolvers.
On his back however, was the biggest weapon he has ever seen; a massive war hammer, and on the thick side had four glowing lights, it looked very intimidating to the angel. At least two times his size!
The other person pulling Kerry out however, was the most interesting in his… blandness. Then he noticed it, heavy enchantments and black magic. He made it so that everyone ignored him, a very powerful enchantment.
A quick scan later, he found out that he should leave and warn Eden. But he wouldn’t.
He couldn’t…
A reality warper. That bland person was a reality warper.
This planet only survived one, out of sheer luck and the idiocy of the warper who was defeated thanks to Discord - the last draconequus known.
Snooping around, are we, little creature? You don’t want to go to the hole, now do you, mortal?
He was terrified. The warper was inside his mind - no chance’s he’s getting out of this alive.
Quick, memory erase spell!
Too late, Zaphreal. Now, you will act as you normally would and show yourself to us - or do you want me to make you… disappear?
And so he revealed himself.
Back to the Lads
“So, why are you here?” Asked Solar Corona, sitting near the freshly dug out Tower of Pimps, as the humans called it.
“It’s one of life’s great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know, girl, but it keeps me up at night.” Pondered the faunus, Lindsay.
What is a faunus, you ask? Well, Corona just discovered that it’s a mix between a human and an animal. This person was half-phoenix.
She pitied her, phoenixes are immortal.
“What? I mean why are you here, out in those wastelands?” Corona asked, and everyone got a look of enlightement, as if they all wanted to tell her at once.
And so they did.
It was going to be a long, long, day, she could tell.
