Equestria Legends Online - Macca's Mission

by Merseybeat

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Crossover, Human
Length: 7797

An epic quest in the land of the Nervegear - starring an online celebrity impostor.

Side story to Equestria Legends Online, I recommend reading that first.

The year 2020
Liverpool, England

A successful electronic music creator has heard of a revolutionary new console, the Nervegear.
However, when [megaspoiler] [spoilers] [spoiler,] he has to survive. How will he?
It's now his personal quest to find [spoiler,] and at the same time, talking smack about behind their back.
I mean, seriously? Giving to [megaspoiler]? That's a mixture for disaster. Very disaster.

Published 2014-09-24 13:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-29 20:49:23 UTC

21/22 January 2020

Author's Note

"Me" instead of "My" is just how I talk.

21/22 January 2020

21 January 2020
Liverpool
12:40

“Hey, did you want something while I’m in London?”

“What are you going to London for?”

I’m off to get a Nervegear, actually. It’s a device that scans your brainmind and literally puts your mind into the game (or so I heard,) kind of like a fanfic I read 6 years ago, named Minecraft is Magic: Team Hostile.

Damn, I miss MiM.

“I’m going to get a Nervegear, did you need anything?”

“Yeah, get these,” he hands me a grocery list, “and, if you don’t mind, could you get these?” he hands me another list.

-1x Batteries, 9volt, 44pcs.

-1x Guitar supply case

-1x Pick

-1x Instruction manual

-1x Rubber Soul

-1x Help

-1x A Hard Day’s Night (Album and movie preferentially.)

-1x With The Beatles

“I’m going to have to take care of your stuff, aren’t I?”

“I suppose,” I said, thinking about me finances, “After all of this, I’ll have... £250 left.” Damn, do I really have that kind of money? I guess it pays to sell your albums.

Oh yeah, I’m a musician. Did I ever tell you that? No, I don’t think so.

Anyway, I grab me laptop, hop on me bike, say goodbye, and leave.

21 January 2020
On the NCN 5
20:47

Hmm, what game(s) should I get? Huh, maybe I’d get Call of Duty. Man, I remember when they were at game #4, now they’re at game #22/23. I can’t even count anymore. Maybe I’d get ELO, I don’t know.

Suddenly, I almost get hit by a pickup truck. Look where you’re going!

22 January 2020
On the NCN 5
00:01

All right, almost there. London shouldn’t be too far away. Hm, I should get some sleep. All right. I chain me bike to a tree, chain and lock me bag, and lay on the ground.

22 January 2020
On the NCN 5
7:10

I’m checking me bags. Okay, everything’s here.

I get back on me bike, and continue on the road.

22 January 2020
Barnet, London
10:45

I’m finally here! London at last! Yes! M. Bison approves!

Anyway, nothing to see here.

22 January 2020
Central London
13:10

All right, I’m here. Finally, I’m here.

I ride around, when the thought hit me:

3 Beat Records was back in Liverpool!

Whatever, I look for “Clapsgate Lane,” which is where a Currys was if it’s still there.

And we’re here.

22 January 2020
Inside Currys
14:53

All right, it’d be in the “Videogames” section. Well, the equivalent if it’s one of those posh places that say “Entertainment,” but I’m a simpler man than that.

Here it is. How much does it say? Nervegear: £990? I suppose I shoudn’t be that cheap, me wallet’s as filled as if I sold a house in America. All right. I take two in case me roomie gets bored. I look at the games...

-Call of Duty: Soldier of Solitude: Crap.

-Half-Life 2: Episode 2: Actually pretty good. And-wait, Episode 3 still hasn’t been released yet?!

-Rock Band: The Ultimate Concert: Okay? Kind of 1970 The Game, though.

-Age of Empires V: I love the Age series.

-Ace of Spades 2: Loved Spades 0.x, Spades 1.0 was kind of boring.

-Minecraft: Man, didn’t know that Microsoft even allowed this. Wasn’t the Nervegear able to kill people?

-Sword Art Online: The other “X Y Online” title.

And finally,

-Equestria Legends Online: Honestly, I don’t even know how Hasbro accepted this through the pitch. Look, it’s even rated 13+ for mild violence and a “your experience may vary” sticker.

God, so many good games... I pick up Episode 2, Rock Band, Spades, and ELO. I’m sort of a closet Brony? I mean, I’ve seen, like, one season. Of course, I can’t tell Mum this or else she’d freak out.

Anyway, what else did I need? Oh yeah, I have a list.

Well, I don’t think there’s anything here, except... the batteries. I get those, and continue on me merry way.

Oh yeah, I walk over to the movies area, and pick up the 55th anniversary A Hard Day’s Night. On videocassette. Because. Actually, I don’t even know if he accepts videocassette.

I get to the counter, and the cashier looks at me strangely, but does his job, in fear of being fired.

22 January 2020
On the NCN 5
19:42

Some things never die. I guess excitement is one of those things. It just gets stronger with time. Of course, there’s an event horizon for everything, and I’d assume that this is it.

23 January 2020
On the NCN 5
4:10

Well, I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long. I guess that annual 100-mile BMX race I participate in really pays for itself.

But, I’ve got to stop here. I’m... just going to rest for a while.

23 January 2020
On the NCN 5
5:30

Well, the sun has just rose over the horizon, and I’m all rested up, should be a cakewalk.

23 January 2020
Liverpool
12:40

Well, I’m here at Dawsons, so I’ll get the stuff.

Now that I’ve got that, I think I remember an old abandoned store somewhere down... here.

I burst inside, and what do you know, 50th anniversary Beatles albums. I take those, and continue on me merry way.

23 January 2020
Liverpool
14:20

Here we are, me home. Ain’t you a sight for sore eyes.

I walk in, and I’m greeted with “Did you get the stuff?”

“Yep,” I say, putting the bag on the counter.

“There was an abandoned store, so the albums were free.”

“Good.”

I take one of the Nervegears and Equestria Legends Online, I set up the Nervegear, which was moderately easy, and I start the game.

23 January 2020

23 January 2020
Liverpool
16:41

I’ve set up the Nervegear, and power it on. I put me helmet on me head, and insert ELO.

Before I do that, though, I take off the helmet, and look at me surroundings for a bit, okay, beige walls, kind of small, bookshelf on the south end. I take me laptop out of its bag, I power it on, open up Firefox, and go on GameFAQs. I search up the game, and got a result. Good, it’s worked. Hey, I don’t want to be stuck without a map.

Alright, now that that’s over, I put the helmet back on, lay on me bed, and <>

Sight: Ok

Hearing: Ok

Smell: Ok

Taste: Ok

Touch: Ok

Now, it wants me to set a username... How about me OC’s name? (I’m using the term very loosely here.)

Language: English

User Name: McColtney

Password: ************

Enter. Hol-wow, it actually worked. Now, it’s saying one of those generic “Welcome” screens that have been shown since, like, Windows 3.1, from 1990. Or was it 1991?

Anyway, it says to choose what I want to be (When I grow up?). Since it’s me OC I’m restricted to his race.

-Earth Pony

Pegasus

-Unicorn

Okay, now it’s asking me to choose whether or not I want to throw a fastball and ponify meself.

No, I don’t think I will.

Wait, there’s a text box over... here. The bottom left of the screen, hidden because only the developers were supposed to access it.

I press it and it gives me a prompt.

I enter:

AJ LOVES NERVEGEAR
-Back Legs unlocked.

Wonder what that does. I guess it’s just what it says on the tin.

I choose OC.

I’m at the character creation screen. Huh, kind of reminds me of a mix between Fallout and the Sims, the ones from the 1990s. (Well, the Sims was released in 2000, but it’s close enough.)

Gender
Male

Mane
I select the closest thing to a moptop I could find. It’s pretty close, but isn’t going all the way down to the eyes.
Dark brown

Eyes
Droopyish, kind of like I just woke up.
Dark brown

Face
Kind of thin, with puffy cheeks.

Fur coat
Light cobalt

Voice
=-----|--V--=
That seems about right. It’s the voice that you hear during “Can’t Buy Me Love.”

Back Legs
-o-|-V-

Continue

Please make me cutie mark?

I’d call it a butt talent tattoo, but this is Hasbro we’re talking about.

Oh, hey, Photoshop 5.0, not like that’s 20 years outdated at all.

I tried. It was supposed to look like a Zenith Model 17 acoustic with a white pickguard, but it looks a little more like a Martin D-28 acoustic.

Well, that seems pretty close. Not the best, but it’s because they don’t have model manipulation. Or a polygon studio. The Mario Studio games had a polygon studio. That was 2000.

Anyway, yeah, this looks... actually I’d rate at an 8/10. Of course, there was a limited number of assets there.

All right, let’s start this.

On second thought...

I go back, and modify the cutie mark (I feel me masculinity slipping from me as I speak!) to be a green-labelled gramophone record.

“Good luck,” a voice said, and I know I’m slightly crazy, but I could swear I heard it say “Try not to die!” Wait, this is My Little Pony. That wouldn’t get past their radar. Then again, it did get a PEGI 12 rating (which I confused with 13 even though I should know it doesn’t exist after eight years of living here.)

23 January 2020
(Either the year 1010, or the year 1052.)
Ponyville, the Princedom of Equestria
Midday

I feel like I fell two storeys.

The blackness fades from me eyes as I get back up. Oh damn, this is a pony game. I’ve got to get on all fours.

Well, I don’t think anyone saw me. Wait, maybe they’d just think I was weird. Plus, this position is very slightly uncomfortable. It’s about the same as sitting on a chair.

I look around, and notice several two-storey houses, a couple one-storey houses, and a bunch of shops. Some of these shops are weapons shops, some are potion shops, others are assorted other types, but all of this is made of wood, probably oak and birch.

I flick me wrist down, and a menu pops up.

I decide to look in me inventory.

A brown leather instruction manual. Two, in fact. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to look. I tap the icon for the flight manual. Who knows, maybe this is just a modified pilots’ manual. Probably not though, they paid enough for a fully-fledged history.

The book falls onto the ground. I pick it up, and look inside.

Huh, so that’s how I fly.

Um, I wonder if there are miscellaneous items in this game.

I walk over to a shop, and see a black stallion NPC with a sandy brown mane sitting behind the counter.

“Hello! Care to buy anything?” the NPC(?) says.

“Show me what you’ve got.”

200 bits, huh. I’m skint.

Weapons, armour, stuff li-oh me mum. Is that a “Instruments” section?

I open it.

Spoon,

Fork,

Fender Telecaster clone.

That was a description whiplash if I ever saw one.

This Telecaster is painted in a tye-dye pattern, and is a left-handed model. It has several modifications, including a better microphone and a more sturdy neck.

I’m pretty sure that the guitar is enhanced with magic, to make it not need an amp.

I select it and a wooden sword (it’s dangerous to go alone, take this,) well really, dagger, and a bright blue UI box (yeah, real submersive,) pops up and reads

Will you purchase these items for 190 bits?

-Yes
-No

I wouldn’t have selected it otherwise. Yes.

Well, now I have these items, I will need to make use of them soon.

I leave the shop, and contin-yes! The opportunity arose!

A user, more specifically, a dark orange Earth Pony with a lighter orange mane, and with the name “MrP0stman2001,” oh, this’ll be good.

I grab me guitar, and start singing.

Wait!
Oh yes, wait just a minute, mister postman, (Someone else joined?)
Wait!
Wait, mister postman,
...

And after a while (three minutes really, I’m just impatient,) we finish the song.

Huh, it doesn’t need an amp.

Anyway, I look at the guest. Huh he had the same ideas as me, more specifically, he made his Unicorn character with a green body, small eyes, and a brown moptop mane.

His username is “Lenneigh.” So this is John, huh?

“Hey,” I start looking at him with a bit of surprise in me face, “that was pretty good.”

“Yeah, you too, I mean, being able to memorize that in the first place takes skill,” he compliments, looking around.

“I have practise,” I backdoor brag.

“Yeah, it’s noticeable, you sound like you’ve been doing it for years!”

“Actually, I have. Back in... 2014, that was when the guitar found it’s way into me heart,” I inform him.

We get to know each other nicely.

Party Member added!
Lenneigh

23 Winter I 1052
Just outside the Everfree
18:35-ish

We’re walking to the forest, when suddenly, a bright light shrouds us. It’s... wait, I think this is an admin teleport. We’re being teleported by administrators. Oh goodness, they’re going to ban me because of the harassment of Mister Postman! It was a joke! I promise!

Then, the light faded away. I open me eyes and saw that, like, a thousand multicoloured midget horses along with us (sorry Lenneigh!) Good (well, better,) that means that either everyone’s in trouble or it’s a meeting to discuss something important, like how apparently we aren’t allowed to log out.

"Gamers and Players, May we have your attention please!"

Okay, it’s a PSA...? Hopefully.

Four Alicorns flew down. Well, at least they have a reason to be Alicorns. All of them are different colours and sizes.

Really, though? Four? That means there’s no symmetry unless there’s two talking at once! It bugs me!

"Everyone, we are the administrators of Equestria Legends Online. We are in charge of analyzing the system and keeping it running in top condition. However, right now we are experiencing several technical difficulties in the system. One of which, as some of you might have noticed, was the absence of the log out button in your player menus,” everyone who didn’t know about that gasped, “This is a major problem, since there is no other way for anyone to leave the game. We do not know the cause for this malfunction, but please bear with us as we try to fix this problem. While we try to find what's causing this, for your own safety, please remain in the Ponyville square for the time being,” one of the Alicorns said, I think it’s the leader. He’s all red with a long white mane and tail, and is the tallest. He definitely commands a bit of fear into the more timid.

Cue speculation.

The entire crowd bursts into murmurs, probably of “What do you think it could be?”

“Maybe,” I theorise, “it’s the Nowhere Man.”

“It could be, we have no proof he doesn’t exist, seeing as he doesn’t originate from our universe,” he says, turning to face me, looking thoughtful, “The only argument against him is LSD.” He does have a point.

Suddenly, a Pegasus, flies up and asks "What do you mean you don't know what the problem is?!"

That brought on a bit of attention. Actually, it brought on a lot of attention.

Prepare for the worst? "This problem isn't from a lack in the system, so we don't know where the problem might have originated,” the Alicorn says.

Well, that wasn’t the worst, but it was pretty bad.

Suddenly, the lights shorted out.

Oh great, now there’s no light. Just perfect. The light has been shut off.

From light to darkness. Huh, that’d make a good album name.

Then, he spoke, "Oh, I think that I might know what the problem is."

"That would be me,” the Draconequus said, holding back grinning madly.

"Hello, my little bronies,” then, he looked at the Admins, saying "And hello to you, my good administrators."

“It is him!” I said, mostly to meself and Lenneigh.

“What? How?!” Lenneigh asked, surprisedly.

Unfortunately, he puts a silencing spell on me and me friend, so nobody but Lenneigh can hear me. I can still try, though. I stand up and yell out, “You’ll never get away with this, Nowhere Man!”

Oh, young Macca, don’t be so foolish! It’s only me. Great, now he’s invading me mind. You bet.

"How can you be the cause of the problem? You are a program in the system that we designed ourselves. You may have partial control of Equestria, but you don't have the power to change the layout of the system completely,” one of the Admins, probably the leader, exposite. Of course, if they give him some level of control, they give him all control, and in this case, they pretty much gave him as much power as a moderator.

The Nowhere Man teleports to behind the lead admin, saying "Oh, but you already know the answer to that,” he refuted their assumptions, “You designed me to be exactly like the 'me' in your television show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." He teleports to someone named “Shadowflame,” a character with a messy red mane and dark grey fur, afterward. "That really is a terrible name for a show, don't you think?" Actually kind of got a point, Nowhere Man.

He then teleport-mounts an Admin, "You see, you gave me control over reality in Equestria,” a design flaw on their part, “But with this power, I hacked into the rest of the system, giving me power over the entire program. Oh, and to make sure that I stay in power, " Great, he’s just about to de-empower the Admins. What happened to the... I don’t know, lead developer? Shouldn’t he be here?

The Nowhere Man cackles madly, after dropping the Admins to the ground, "Now the admins are just plain earth ponies, and I've also taken power over their admin codes. They won't be able to do a thing to change my world. As for all of you, I will let you keep your wings and horns while you play in a game of mine."

Great, I might as well have bought Sword Art Online. That’s all this game is, SAO with a pony texture pack.

Everyone yells with anger at the Nowhere Man, and he just snapped his fingers, and everyone but me and Lenneigh’s mouths were zipped. I’d assume since he already Silencio’d us, "My, I haven't even told you what the game is, and you're already anxious to get started. The game that I have in mind is a bit of a scavenger hunt. I have taken the Elements of Harmony and placed them all in secret hiding places, inside and outside of Equestria. Your job is to find the Elements and use them to reach me. There, we will have a fight to the death. If you manage to retrieve the elements and defeat me, then I will allow everyone to log out,” he says as if he thinks it’s impossible.

He stares more intently at the crowd, lowering his head for a better look (Gee, he must really like them,) "But it won't be as easy as you think, you see I've added a few features to the game. In the original system, if you died in the game, you would instantly re-spawn in the last town you were in. But that's too boring for me, so I re-wrote the system so when anyone died, their avatar would be lost, and their Nervegear Helmet in the real world will fry their brains. In shorter words, if you die in the game, you will die in the real world." Oh, yeah, it overloads the circuits in the brain and sends it into shutdown. That’s not abusal of power, not at all.

Great, even more reason I should have bought SAO, at least I don’t die in that game. That’s more than I can say than this game, what with the being killed by a cartoon based on love that really loves the colour pink.

I’m not surprised, having watched this exact plot six years ago, but everyone else gasps. That gasp was very loud.

Then, the Nowhere Man beheads himself by slicing his neck with his claw, for the laughs, and proceeds to pun it up, "No need to lose your head over it." I actually laughed as well. It was more of a chuckle, really, and then he spoke up, "And also, if there is any tampering with the helmet in the outside world, the helmet will kill the player instantly. Actually, quite a few of players have already died this way."

Well, good thing I forgot to do that softmod I was going to, it saved me life. In fact, I’ve forgot about it completely until he said that.

Unfortunately, I’m not out of the ballpark of death just yet.

The Nowhere Man went on, "Now, in this game, there are a few rules. First, you cannot receive help from the outside world, that is, if you can even manage that. If I catch anypony communicating to the outside world, all of you will die. Second, any tampering with the system from inside the game, the rule-breaker will die instantly."

Great, there goes me idea.

The Nowhere Man laughed, "And just so you know, I have a couple of monster friends who want to go out of their designated areas, so I'm letting them roam a bit. Maybe you'll meet them when you go out of town, but they won't follow you into a city or town. They hate crowded places."

I looked at me mate with a bit of hope. He returned the favour by looking at me with a ‘are you daft?’ expression plastered on his face.

Well, at least? I mean, it’s better than having to deal with these enemies in the towns, or there’d be a lot more people dying.

"But a few of you might have thought, 'There's only six elements, so this will be easy.' Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble,"

Then he proceeded to burp a large bubble as though he swallowed a bubble gum factory. Taking that phrase a little bit too seriously, huh, mate?

"But I thought that only six elements would be boring. So I added four new elements."

Well, that means more people can find one. That’s good.

Then he burst the bubble, figuratively and literally.

"They will be hidden all over Equestria, but they will be guarded by my favourite kinds of monsters, just like a boss of each element."

I could swear he looked me straight in the eyes and mouthed “Good luck.”

"If you find the element, and defeat its guardian in a boss battle, then you may walk away with it in hoof. But I must warn you, my guardians are no push-overs."

There, I know I saw him silently say “You’ll need it.”

Jeez, how long will this last?

"Well, there you have it. So just remember, your lives are on the line, not mine."

Well, that’s perfectly fair.

"So, my little bronies, let the games begin!"

We were teleported to Ponyville, and Shadowflame looked at his friend in complete horror. "What... just happened?"

His friend replied, with a scared look on his face, "I think... this is more than a game now."

Yeah, it stops being a game at around the point it becomes SAO.

Shadowflame agreed, "This has become... murder."

Yeah, I think we all heard that. Well, I guess it just takes a while to settle in.

I want to pipe up, but something’s compelling me not to.

I don’t know.

Just in case I don’t come back, this is McColtney, over and out.

Author's Note

I'd be willing to wager that until now, not very many people got that Half-Life reference:
AJ LOVES NERVEGEAR is a shout-out to OTIS LOVES DREAMCAST, from the Dreamcast version of HL.

8 February 2020

39 Winter I 1052 (8 February 2020)
82 kilometres south-west of Ponyville
14:10

Hello, me name’s Paul McColtney, or, on Earth, Jeremy. So far, there’s been 25 (or so, I don’t keep check) deaths. Me mate’s out over there, picking a couple pears.

His name is John Lenneigh, and we’ve got a pretty successful team going. In case you need to know, (or just forgot,) he’s roughly 0’2 shorter than I am, to roughly 7.675 hands, is lightish green, has a messy brown mane and tail from all the fighting, Oh yeah, he’s a Unicorn, has kinda small eyes, (still gigantic by human standards, though.) and has a sheet of paper with a pen and a low note.

Hm, this tree seems good. Oak, roughly 150 years old, rather sturdy. It’ll do great for sharpening this knife. The other trees in this dark forest don’t seem nearly as resistant. It’s as if they were planted much later by a couple hundred ponies. Actually, they probably were.

Woah, we’ve got hostiles! Zombies!

I take out me Tele (what? It was the closest thing available,) and jam it into its abdomen. Baham, I just decimated the thing. Now, for the other 90%. This’ll be good.

I take out me wooden sword, and carve an eight-pointed star into its chest. It dissolves into a cloud of blue code.

Then, I feel the presence of another zombie. I stick me sword into its jaw and push up. Max Damage!

It also disappears into a cloud of blue code, bits flying everywhere. (See what I did there?)

Good. I put me sword back into its sheath.

Although, I just can’t help but feel bad for them, I mean, they had lives, and I could clearly hear them screaming in pain, yelling “Oh god, help me!”

I feel like a murderer.

Anyway, I walk over to Lenneigh, but not before I find an axe as one of the drops. It’s a plain design, the head tied up to the handle with rope.

Well, this’ll be handy.

So, I walk over towards him, and ask how it’s going along.

He looks at me with a sort of “really?” expression, as if to say “What do you think is going on? There was zombies just right here!”

“Yes, I know that there were zombies, Lenneigh.” I say, answering the question that he was obviously asking, with a grin on me face.

I then hear a sort of ruffling sound behind me, and turn around, raising me axe at the offending area. It appears to be a bush.

A purple mass jumps out at me from the aforementioned bush, with its sword raised, landing in front of me.

It’s a player, but I shouldn’t be too trusting, haters back on YouTube would go to Brony videos just to call the Bronies “unnatural,” so if there are some here, they’d be perfectly happy to commit several counts of murder, because it’s justified, since they don’t share the same opinion. Not true. Sorry to bring it up, but Hitler did the same thing for the same reason.

I approach the player with caution, holding me axe to its neck, and it’s holding its sword to me hoof, until it-no, he motions for me to drop me weapon.

I do so blindly, which is a formula for death, until he drops his. We stare at each other, first from suspicion, then to curiosity as whom we are finally sink in.

“So, you’re George, huh?” I ask, me voice filled with suspicion.

“Yeah,” was the response, also cautious.

I look at him, he is a Unicorn, darker purple body, brown moptop mane, and medium sized brown eyes. His... cutie mark -shudder- is a red Les Paul electric, and he’s taller than average.

His username is “Mareison,” kind of strange, but it works better than the alternative.

“If I agree not to kill you, will you agree not to kill me?” I ask, since I don’t know if he’s hostile.

“Sure, why not? I didn’t want to die alone anyway,” he said, pretty much quoting 1998’s Half-Life.

“What does that mean?” I ask, me guard lowering.

“It means that you’re a bit careless sometimes,” he says, with a hint of smugness in his voice.

“Hey! I-wait, how do you know that?”

“Oh, I’ve been watching you from the bushes the entire time,” he says nonchalantly, while ruffling his mane a little, checking his hooves after that.

“Well, then, that’s not terrifying at all,” I say sarcastically, after letting it register for a while, as if you couldn’t figure that out.

Our eyes start to have a bit of verbal communication, and we agree to not kill each other and he agrees to join the team.

New Party Member!
Mareison

Well, then, I suppose that it’s not a stretch to say that we’re getting along nicely. Of course, I have no idea if I can trust anyone here. Also, I’ve kind of been avoiding places like cliffs, or Cloudsdale (or whatever the equivalent is if there’s a fictional version,) because I’m kind of really afraid of heights. Of course, that’s kind of strange, I mean, a Pegasus who is afraid of heights? Strange, huh? Well, I am. Of course, people who don’t listen to their fears are kind of giant idiots, who will die young.

Anyway, I strap back on the belt that holds all me weapons.

Well, turns out that was the wrong thing to do, because-Ambush!

I stick me sword into the attacker’s face and impale the g’damn guy. Thankfully, it’s just a zombie. Good God, if I caused a player’s death directly, I’d... I don’t know, kill meself? No, that won’t work, it just causes more and more loss of chance to get out of here for the rest of the players.

He puffs into blue code, but not before dripping a few drops of blood and being all emo.

I mean, come on. All he needs now is a diary. Well, all he needed, since he’s dead now. At least these were never alive in the first place... right? Riiiight?

Man, if this were a story, there’d be a shitstorm of I’s.

Damn you, game developers! Why did you have to make Discord even a thing? You know that he can modify game files, you might as well have made him in charge of programming!

Might as well not point out that now, they know fully well.

Wait, hold on, am I getting... Yeah, I’m getting the same drops as if I was level 5! Did they not think about what would happen after that? Those damn developers!

Actually, now that I think about it, I never checked me Ability. I should do that.

Healer?! Fucking HEALER?! I’m probably one of the most inclined people in me team to fight, and now I get Healer as an ability?! Perception would have been more useful! Hell, Luck would have been.

I’d bet George here got Pacifism. It’d be just me luck, wouldn’t it, A team that’s mostly defensive.

Oh, and the game wouldn’t give me a break, either.

Because, in fact, they had to make the zombie drop a Medkit good for ten uses. Great, now all I need is a surgical mask and I can go play Operation! on a dead guy. For the love of Celestia, would you rabbits stop pester-and now they’re clawing at me. Isn’t it just wonderful? God, I wished there were beer in this game.

Or clothes, that’d work too. I think there were, and I was just too lazy to actually choose any. If I did, however, I would have chosen the dolla-dolla blingsuit. What? Just because I’m a 13 hand tall horse doesn’t mean that I can’t show me wealth. Honestly, it’s ridiculous. By the time I bought all that stuff back in London, I had £160,000 left. I don’t even think that some of the richer people in the world have that kind of cash. And really, it’s only because I make albums like Stephen King makes books, and I have a fanbase of about 14-15,000 people, with 15-20 (so far,) £25 albums, and on average, me fans buy about 75% of that.

Anyway, he motions me to follow, and I eye him suspiciously, but accept his request. I motion for John to follow me, so that I can have backup in case things get bad.

“Alright, Paulie, there’s this cave I was trying to get to, it has been used by dragons for millions of years, I wanted to see if there’s anything left,” he exposites just after we leave the forest, into a plains. If I’m right, we’re headed east.

“The cave’s name is the Caves of Nargaroth-Fphleigm, or that’s what I heard, anyway,” the Unicorn continued.

I look at him inquisitively as we enter another forest, “are you sure that it still exists? I mean, it could have been deleted by the Nowhere Man,” I remind him.

“Who’s the Nowhere Man?” he asks, looking back at me, with a sort of official questioning tone to his voice.

“Uh, Discord. It’s just the name me and me mate came up with,” I explain.

We enter a more crowded section of this forest, and I look up.

We’re here, the dreaded (not really, I was being sarcastic) Caves of Nargaroth-Fphleigm, an ancient dragon cave that was taken over by wildlife. It’s enterance is about Rosie O’Donnell-sized, which would be giant for a (normal, not 6’0 on back hooves) pony. This’ll be fuuuun... (Fun fact: don’t go into dragon caves that were taken over by wildlife. The More You Know!)

I walk into the enterance with a makeshift torch in me hand, and ready me axe. I need to get more puns into me daily routine... It’s kinda hard to think of them on the fly, though.

Let’s see... it’s patterned with a sort of pattern you’d expect to see on the walls of an Aztec temple, around 1405, weathered and crumbling sandstone, and I expect to see arrow traps soon.

I encounter a skeleton, (How long did it take you to think that one up, Developers?) and swing an X into it, before saying “Can I axe you a question?”

I see you in the corner. “Sie sind in die Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei!” I yell, before charging it and slicing its head off.

But, before I can do that, cut its head off, that is, it holds its hooves out, face fearful, in order to stop me.

I stop in the middle of the room, “This better be good,” I say, axe still out. It is a skele, after all.

“Oka-wait, what did you just say about me?”

“Um...” I stammer, mentally slapping meself. “Nothing.” I say, quickly and suspiciously.

“Dude, I should just kill you right here. You be talkin’ shit about me.”

“It’s not like you can prove it...” I say, knowing this skeleton isn’t German.

“Anyway, I was here to kill some dragon that came here,” the Skeleton explains, “Apparently, the town closest to here really needs it dead.”

So, a dragon’s infesting... whatever that little village that I passed on the way here is called?

That’s just super.

“Well, we could team up. How does that sound?”

“As long as you stop talkin’ diarrhoea, then we’ll be fine,” the skeleton says, obviously very annoyed at me comment.

“Or, I can leave you here and you get killed,” I say, mostly not-seriously.

Thank fucking god, he caught onto me not-being-seriousness. Either that, or he’s in a strange form of denial caused by the same wrackspurts that wreaked havoc on 1993 Scotland. Either one, really.

Party Member Added!
Skelly Bones

“Skelly Bones.” SKELLY BONES. YOU KNOW, LIKE SHELLY JONES? BUT A GUY? HA HA! 10/10! I ain’t takin any more of this!

Well, I might as well take in what he looks like, since he’s friendly and I don’t want to accidentally kill him. He’s roughly 15 hooves-no brain that’s not it, hands, tall, too big to be considered a pony, looks like some dirt stain splotches that get as big as a femur, and

“Soooo... are you a player?” I ask inquisitively, because “Skeleton” wasn’t an option, last time I checked.

“No, I’m a skeleton and just sprouted a conscience. Yes, I am a player!” he yells rather loudly, annoyed at me stupid question. Yes, it was pretty stupid to ask.

“So, uh, what happened?”

“Well, if you must know, I got a notification in my inbox from Discord, so I opened it, and it told me to go to the statue of Qzloxes III. I find a lever, pull it, and it goes to a dungeon. I’m curious now, so I enter it. Of course, it was a trap, and Discord cast a spell on me. I’m now... fuck it, I’m now as brittle as a pile of bones, but I get a sick increase to my arrow skill. About the same as if I was Level 40-43.” Good God, I hated Archer Skeletons, with their always deceptively powerful Knockback ability. But, hey, maybe I can put him to use.

“Well, I have these arrows, I’m Parkinson’s enough to not be able to use it. (Sorry Parkinson’s people, it was a bad joke!)” I say, with the parenthesis lines being much quieter. Wait, did I just break the fourth wall?

“I heavily doubt it,” he says, handing me the bow and an arrow. I take the items, set an apple about two metres away, and fire at it.

I end up missing by about 1/3 a metre. Well, that should show him.

“Wow, I’ve never seen someone as bad as you,” he says surprisedly. I could tell there was visible awe in his face and voice.

“Well, you’ve never really seen anyone but me, have you?” I ask.

“An entire field trip of eighth graders,” he says. Well, I’m officially the worst shot ever.

“Of course, I was the best, so maybe it’s just bias, but those eighth graders were between me and you.”

Wellm, there goes me pride. Well, except for me Omni pride, still got that.

“Alright, how bout you be the archer for our team?” I say, pretty much setting me team up for potential disaster. I still don’t even trust Mareison.

“Fine.”

“Huh, you’ll need a more appropriate name... how about... Peat West? You know, like Pete Best!” God, that doesn’t even make sense. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.

“Well, me mates can think of better things...” I say nervously, as I see him glaring at me with a literal fire in his eyes.

“Should you do someth-” I start off, before getting cut off with a “No. It does that.”

“Okay, then...” I say, with one of those giant sweat drips forming in the back of me head, or at least, I could swear it was there. (Hey! That rhymed!)

I got up from the rock that I was sitting on, motioned McCoy to follow, turning back to get the rest of the team.

“Where are you going?” Leonard asked, as we passed a statue of Discord.

“To get the rest of the team, mate,” I replied, speeding up slightly.

I get to the enterance that I came from, pushed some rubble out of the way, and motioned that it’s safe to the rest of the team. They come up to the enterance, slipping a couple times due to the smoothness of their hooves.

“Come on, lads,” I say from the opening as they climb.

“Well, it’s not easy, you know, I’m sweating more than a hooker in church,” John complains.

“Even if-okay, you know what? I’m going to stop trying to make sense of things, I mean, I’m a small purple horse with a horn. That’s not very sensical in itself,” George adds.

Oh George, you’re going to be the Spock, aren’t you?

I help George up, and turn back. Before I can continue walking, however, the small enterance in the cave collapses, leaving us with no way out. Looks of disappointment emanate from George’s face, and one of anger from John’s.

I roll me eyes and start on me merry way to the top of the cave. I motion for John, George, and Bones to follow my lead, and we start on the path to the dragon’s lair.

We encounter several enemy packs throughout the way, slicing-and-shooting through each one, with them getting progressively harder as the cave goes on, with slight colour palette shifts from gold to red.

Before we could ascend to the final level, however, I get a message, from Discord. Riddled with spelling, capitalisation, and syntax errors. Just for fun. And don’t think for a second that it was short, it was three pages long!

“Gah!” I yell, “Ich bin ein Grammatik-Nazi!” That received some strange looks. However, they were able to put two and two together and realise I said Grammar Nazi, not regular Nazi.

“Aber immer noch, Sie machen mich krank zu meinem Magen, anti-Wörterbuch Mann! Den Zorn der Grammatik Führer!” I yell, very annoyed at the bad grammar. Enough to proclaim the Grammar Führer me one true ruler in me mind.

“What did you even say?!” yells Bones MacCalciumface.

“Basically, you will face the wrath of the Grammar Ruler,” I explain, turning me head back to explain. I have OCPD, so I get really annoyed at things like this. Not only that, but nobody can even read this.

We end up at the door to the lair of the dragon, with a carving in the side of the wall that reads ‘Nargaroth the Dragon lies here,’ with pictures of battles with it throughout the centuries.

“Hey! Before we go in, get your weapons out!” I whisper-yell. Of course, that’s not exactly very efficient.

“Okay, Bones, shoot its eyes, it’ll make killing it easier!” What I’m talking about, in fact, is Nargaroth the Dragon. He is red, with a grey underbelly, and a taupe, long and very messy... what would you call it? Hair? Yeah, we’ll go with that.

I fly up, and grab onto one of his large ram-like horns. Very sturdy, I wouldn’t be able to break them, unfortunately. However, it provides a distraction for Bones to shoot its eyes out.

It’s awake! Now, Bones! He shoots both its eyes with one shot, two arrows. Good man, I’d be afraid to be on the receiving end of you.

The dragon’s health drains by about 1/6th of the way. I grab me axe, and whack it quite a lot. Meanwhile John runs up, charges his horn, and tries electrocuting it. At the same time, Bones is shooting at its head with multiple arrow shots, hoping to hit the brain.

However, it swings its arm, and hits John. He flies toward the wall, hits it, and falls. His horn is stuck in the ground, and his health is in the orange.

However, George surprises us all by jumping up and casting a rather powerful Fire spell. To all our surprises, the dragon falls over, scorched, and dead. It breaks apart, and each part disappears into a cloud of blue code.

Congratulations! Your team has defeated
Gamma Dragon Nargaroth
You receive:
2,500 bits
750 EXP
Dragonscales

Level Up!
14 -> 17

I expect the other Beat Brothers to have got the same reward. We look to see if there were any more surprises, but nothing’s happened.

I walk out the doors, with the sound of others behind me, the group following behind me. I ready me axe, and almost get to kill a spider, but before I do that, an arrow hits its head. Good man.

Unfortunately, we can’t get out, since there’s a Zerg Rush of Spiders in the way. I ready me axe, and start slicing through them like butter. I hear electricity spells and arrows. Well, we’ve got these killed.

Level Up!
17 -> 18

Hm... I’m good with the axe. I put it back, and start working against this cave-in. And by that, I mean I fly into it with all the force I can muster. Several times. Eventually, I get an opening made. I ram into it several more times, and open a larger hole for them to go through.

I wiggle out of the cave, and help the others out. Man, it’s like Bones is the only one who tries. But then again, he is a skeleton. Not even skin-and-bone, just bone. Well, we’re outside now.

“Hey,” I ask, “What does it feel like be a skeleton?”

I can tell he’s annoyed, like he gets that a lot, but he simply shakes it off and replies with “Kinda the same, but a lot weirder, since I’m hollow,” he says rather gruffly, as though it annoyed him to no end. Good point.

And, wait, “Good God, George, how did you do that?!”

“Uh, I don’t know... It just kind of happened,” he stammered out, looking up at the sky.

Wow, not even he knew that he was that powerful. I think he gets attached to people really easy, and John is one of those people, so his protection instincts kicked in and, well, you get the rest.

Well, I have a couple ciggies left. I offer some around, John accepts, George doesn’t, and Bones almost does, but he remembers his lack of lungs. I grab me flint and steel, and light mine. John requests it from me, so I hand it over, for him to light his up.

“Well, we’d better hit the road, huh team?” I ask, knowing that we’ll need to continue on.

“Yeah. We’d better,” came the response.

“Or else we’d be dead in an instant,” John adds rather overdramatically, to emphasise that it was sarcastic.

“Nah, mate. We’ve got four of us now. I’d reckon with Bones here, we’d be off well.” That’s George speaking, if you couldn’t figure out.

In case you find this audio log, this has been McColtney, over and out.

Author's Note

Hopeyoudon'tkickmeShadowflameIjustwantedanofficialsealofquality! Ifyouhavetomakethisnoncanonyoucanbutitwouldbenicetostaycanon.