War

by GuyWithAJetPack

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1983

What, you think this is a completely serious story, Hell no! It's me writing about a life and war.

Actually reading this?Well, this is the offspring of boredom and a not fully hatched idea.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-14 08:11:33 UTC

A walk through town.

(For those of you who can't read Serbian, use Google Translate if you want to know what the Changeling says Овако!)

After everpony left the library, Me and Twilight took a stroll through town, to replenish the fridge. And when she started conversation, I felt as if I had walked into the worst thing for a guy: His girlfriends questions.

"Why is it that you like me?" she asked, starting off.

Oh, shit, how did I fall for this again? I thought, before answering with a shrug.

Then as a false savior from the conversation, an explosion happened at town hall.

Thank Celestia, Now maybe she'll shut the fuck up! I thought.

When we arrived, the mayor was being pulled from the newly reconstructed town hall, and many people were blaming the two Derpys. Wait, hold on a second two? I was puzzled and looked, one's left eye was down, and one's right eye was down, and that could have meant two things: Pinkie and Twilight paired up and still fucked up a spell, or the changelings were back.

Being off-duty at this time didn't mean I couldn't kick the ass of Derpy2, the one that didn't have the right eye down, and the one not eating the muffin.

Right before my hind legs landed, It turned back into a changeling, and faced it's horn towards me. Now, I've been stabbed before, but a horn hurts worse than a knife. Trust me.

For having holes in them, and being scrawny, they can throw. I was thrown into the real Derpy, which knocked down her muffin, which caused her to cry.

"Damn it, Fucking changeling, Twilight, handle Derpy here, get Pinkie to get a muffin over here, ASAP!" I yelled.

The Changeling said "Ми ћемо устати и празник на своје врсте!" (I think that's Serbian) And pounced on me.

"Ви сте први!" It screamed as it was biting at my foreleg.

For me only knowing a bit of Serbian all I could say was:"Јеби се, ти мала мацу!" Which meant: Fuck you, you little cunt!

And of course, that got it even more pissed."Створење, дођи!" it yelled before a small dragon flew in, and picked him up.

"Сон оф а битцх." I murmed, and trotted over to the crying Derpy. Not even her child could comfort her.

When I told her what happened, she got mad, and back-hooved me.

"My mufffffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" She screamed at me.

"Calm. the. fuck. down." I said slowly, Before I saw Pinkie running in with a muffin, with Derpy's head low, I ran over and grabbed the muffin from Pinkie.

When I gave her the muffin, she hugged me, the held the muffin tightly. She then kissed the muffin, and well, not to get off track, It turned a bit cloppy with that muffin and her.

"Who the hell was that?" Twilight asked, knowing the answer already.

(X)

So now I just sit here and wait for Spike to get off my Xbox, he's really starting to aggrevate me.

"Goddamnit Spike! It's X not, fucking Y!" I yell at him. He is like the little brother you want, but don't. Know what I mean?

"No, the blue X not the center X!" I tell him. He just continues to annoy me, so I head into the kitchen, which apparently was worse because Twilight dragged me into a conversation with Fluttershy about bunnies. I shit you not, Bunnies was the topic at hand. And how I survived is a mystery to me to this day.

I just go for a walk around town before remembering: Big Mac has an Xbox, Why don't I just go hang with him?

Well, when I get there, it turns out Big Mac went to Appleoosa for the week. Damn it! Why can't a Stallion play some Mass Effect?

When I get home, Spike had fallen asleep, and Twilight was upstairs. Finally! I get some time alone with my Xbox, and along comes another fucking Changeling! And there it is, Stealing MY Xbox. When I attack, it flies off. Now, these bastards have taken all that matters to me. (Don't tell Twilight I said that.) To quote a friend: Oh, It...Is...On!

Long story short, I'm now walking into the EverFree with a platoon of other guards. And Guess what I have to wear! The fucking suit, the itchy, scratchy, tight, piece of crap. At least there aren't any horn restraints. I'm going to make them pay for what they took from me. And they aren't going to give me the 3,500 bits it took to buy that thing.

Derpy somehow is in my platoon. I have no idea why, but on the suit she's wearing there is a muffin. I just have my cutie mark. Wait how the hell did Derpy, of all ponies, get in? There's also a stallion wearing the iron helmet from Skyrim and is whispering some things to himself. This is a fucked up platoon. I give us five minutes tops before we die.

The guy with the Skyrim helmet opens the gate by: You guessed it! Fus Ro Dah! Like I said, fucked up platoon.

I see my Xbox,  I teleport it back to the library, and fight.

I was wrong, we won, (even though it was only two minutes)

After celebrations, I trot home and plop down on the couch, I have my controller under my ass, so there isn't any need for Spike to play.

The trouble with...

"I don't want them cut my dick off!" Spike screamed while being dragged out.

"What the buck is going on in here, I'm trying to get some fucking sleep!" I yell, and toss something out the door.

"I have to take spike to get circumsized." Twilight says, trying to drag Spike out the door.

"Wait, how is that, If he had sex with Rarity, You know what, I don't even want to know" I say.

"Spike they aren't going to chop your dick off." I say.

"Just the foreskin." Twilight says.

"Twilight, not helping, he doesn't know anatomy." I hiss.

"When you come home I will let you play Xbox."  I say, pointing my hoof to the living room.

"Okay." he sniffles.

Then Twilight explains the procedure, In the doorway, and Spike starts screaming again.

"Thats it!" I yell, and walk into the living room.

I feel my magic grasp the horsehead bust, And I knock Spike out with it.

"Go, before he wakes up." I say, and return the bust.

So I walk into the living room, and make myself comfy.

I remove the controller from my ass grove.

On my Xbox goes, and ME3 is scratched to fuck.

"GODAMNIT SPIKE!" I scream.

At Twilight's

After a night's "rest" Twilight Sparkle got out of bed to make some coffee. Last nights party made it difficult to get across the floor, with thirty ponies passed out, most with penises drawn on thier foreheads. Spike had fallen asleep in the other room, with Rarity. Twilight made some coffee, and started drinking while looking out the window.

"One crazy party" she muttered, taking another sip. The next person awake was me, and I too got up for some coffee.

"Someone's awake." Twilight said, with a hint of sarcasm. "Yeah, That was an awesome party" I replied, sitting down next to her. My balls itched, so when she looked away, I scratched them. This was an average morning for me, finding myself waking up in the library.

"Uh, Twilight, you still have a little something on your face." I said, trying not to laugh at the small white stain on her fur. She looked into a mirror that was for some reason on the table and gasped.

"I-I can't believe it, with, you?!" She asked, And I started laughing at her over-reaction.

"Yeah." I managed to get out between laughs. Spike then walked into the room, looking pretty happy. I whispered to him to look at her face, and then he laughed.

"You?" he whispered back, and I nodded. Then me and him had a conversation about cheese for some reason.

Slowly, the rest of the mane six walked in. Except for Pinkie, who Sleep-cartwheeled in, sat down and woke up. Rarity you couldn't tell how much was on her, Pinkie was white from the waist down, and Dash had a new color in her mane.

"Looks like everyone had some fun last night." Spike said, pointing out everypony exceptionally Fluttershy. Spike made a few jokes on how white she looked, Saying she looked like a pink-maned Rarity. This offended Fluttershy, and she started crying, and apologizing for some reason. She probably had way too much to drink last night. After Spike called her "Sluttershy" I punched him in the arm, hard.

She was pretty white though, for the record.

"What in tarnation?" Applejack asked, looking at Fluttershy. The tears partially washed away the white. Since I felt bad for her, I helped her up the stairs to the shower. Apparently, Big mac is appropriatley named, according to Dash.

(Listen, The party is a somewhat essential part for this story, so just hang in there -Joe)

Itchy

And here I am, back at the Royal vault of boring shit. Just trying out some new armor for a "Special task force" or something, It's really itchy around the crotch, and Rarity's cousin Scolds me when I try to scratch.

So when she's not looking, I scratch. She has like fucking eyes at the back of her head, because while she's looking the other way she's all like: "Damn it 677, quit scratching your balls" then I'm all like: "But they i-i-i-itch" with a whining tone.

So when she leaves the room I'm scratching more that a DJ, Then she's all like :"Quit scratching your balls, please." Then I quit, and say:"Fucking Bi-i-i-itch".

So my day continues as normal, I have to wear the suit all day, so when Celestia isn't looking I scratch, because again, this siut itches like a fucking bitch.

So When I get off duty, Rarity's cousin asks me to give her notes on the suit So I write down:

Suit itches

It's really restricting

It itches like a bitch

Did I mention it Itches?

Still reading my list?

Here's a list of it itching in different languages:

сврби,svědí

чешется,痒い

juckt, and φαγούρα

And she gets pissed, and tells me to wear it home. פאַקינג הור

Twilight comments on the armor, and I tell her that her brother looks like a sausage in it. I take it off and sigh.

We head upstairs turn on the TV, Spike falls asleep while watching it, At 1:30 A.M. on a Tuesday if you're up and not having sex, you're not me.

So the next day, I have the day off, So While Twilight's out with her friends, I'm home playing Xbox. So while I'm sitting there playing Mass Effect 3 She decides to call me and mess with my game. So I pause, set the controller down, and talk on the phone.

When she hangs up, I find out that Spike had started playing my Xbox. Little guy's pretty good at Mass Effect.

Seeing as they treat me like family, I let him play until the inevitable happens: he died, and I hadn't saved for hours.

I got pissed, And kicked him off the couch. Then we wrestled a bit, my face got burnt, and we started laughing.

So while I'm putting Ice on my face, Twilight comes home and sees Spike playing Mass Effect, She starts playing, So, In conclusion, I didn't get my Xbox back for a week. So when It's my next day off, I still can't play.

Now Twilight's buying me games, but I don't get to play them. For her birthday, I'm getting her another Xbox So I can have mine back.