ROB's Speed Fics

Chapters

Filthy Rich, Sapphire Shores, Canterlot Tower
Starlight Glimmer, Big Mac, CMC Clubhouse
There It Was
The Locker Room
Hot Plot Fever
Morning Wood
Cock and Tail Torture
Clogged
Teettoo
Hammer of Love
Hard Boiled Eggs and Cocaine don't mix, yo.
Night Shadows
Window Seat
Pegasus Device
Rejection Resort
Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater
Fred the Fsh

Filthy Rich, Sapphire Shores, Canterlot Tower

Author's Note

This was apparently written on October 12th of 2012. Also, thanks to one of FimFic's laws about song lyrics, I had to cut out a couple snippets. I couldn't just remove the lyrics, cause a few lines wouldn't have made sense. I'm not sure if this still works or not, so I'll let you be the judge.

Filthy Rich, Sapphire Shores, Canterlot Tower

The streets of Canterlot bustled with activity. Ponies going about their business, running their businesses, and minding their own business. Though, that wouldn't last long, as the pony of pop herself, Sapphire Shores soon hit the street. Ponies all around gazed in amazement at her latest apparel. A sea of whispers took over the streets, marveling at the famous pony.

“Mmmhmmm, this dress is S-S-SENSATIONAL!” She loudly announced. “My my, that Hoity Toity knows how to hit them out of the park.”

She didn't even try to be subtle about it. She loved the attention, absorbing it like a sponge. It's what helped feed her stride, stepping a bit higher than usual as a show of power. Though, not high enough. One second she was looking at the many ponies looking at her. The next, she saw sidewalk.

The ponies all around gasped in shock, some rushing over to check on the pop diva.

“Miss Shores, are you alright?”
“Oh my, I think she's hurt!”
“Somepony call an ambulance!”

“I'm-I'm fine everypony.” She said, sitting up. However, there was something stuck between her rear hooves.

A brown stallion was laying on the ground. A bag next to him. Sapphire admired his mane styling. He was on the higher end of some corporate ladder, she was sure. The suit and tie gave that away. He soon opened his eyes. They were blue. Sapphire was taken aback, they were such a beautiful blue color, possibly more radiant than the gems on her dress.

“Oh, my. I beg your pardon, miss-”

“Shores. Sapphire Shores. And what is your name, honey?”

The tired looking eyes of the stallion seemed to brighten up. To the ponies who knew him, that was very rare.

“The name's Filthy Rich, but please just call me Mister Rich.”

Sapphire rolled the name in her head. It was familiar.

“I own the largest store chain in Equestria, Rich's Barnyard Bargains.”

Sapphire frowned slightly. Nope. Must have been another Rich she knew. Then again, there were a lot of rich ponies in Canterlot.

“From that exotic dress, I'd imagine you're quite the popular pony yourself. Missus Shores, was it?”

“No no, darling. Miss Shores.” Her eyes glistened. She'd never felt so obliged to promote her being single so quickly. Especially to some random stallion who had tripped her.

“Well, it was a pleasure Miss Shores.” The stallion stood, but soon began looking around on the ground once more.

By this point, the crowd of ponies had, mostly, dispersed. Only a few stragglers remained, intent on drooling over the pop star. She, however, couldn't stop looking at the stallion. He wasn't the best build pony she had ever seen, but something about him caught her fancy. His stern, but thoughtful tone of voice? Maybe his suit, simple for a pony of his status.

“Tell me, Mister Rich, what was it you dropped?”

He looked back to Sapphire Shores, surprised she was still there, though also happy she was.

He cleared his throat. “My watch, I was checking the time when another pony passing by knocked it out of my hooves. You'd think it would be easy to spot, but by now I'm sure some pony has trampled it to tiny pieces.”

He sounded hurt by that notion. “Surely he could just buy another, couldn't he?”

“What's so special about it, I'd imagine the owner of the largest store chain could just buy another, right?”

He nodded, but still looked hurt. “Yes, I could. That is, this watch was special. It was a gift from my...” He paused a moment. Sapphire looked on with curiosity, waiting for him to continue. “... my late wife.” He finished, shakily.

A small knot formed in the bottom of her gut. She had never dealt with such an issue before. Then again, she had never found a pony worth marrying.

“I'm so sorry, Mister Rich. Let me help you then.”

Filthy looked to her surprised. “No no, it's alright Miss Shores. You don't need to.”

“Let it be an apology for bumping into you.”

Since the passing of his wife, Filthy Rich actually cracked a smile.

“Wasn't I the one who tripped you?”

“Precisely, which is why you'll be buying me dinner tonight.”

“I'm what?”

Before she'd allow him to question any further, she began to search the ground. Which was made nearly impossible by the amount of traffic on the street. She frowned. The expression on Filthy's face showed he felt the same way.

“It's going to be impossible to find it with all this foot traffic, I'm afraid.” Filthy said doubtful. “I might as well just give up. It could have fallen into a sewer at this point.”

Sapphire Shores looked to the saddened stallion. His eyes had returned to their droopy expression. She hated the idea of this kind stallion to leave without his precious watch. Unless...

“Mister Rich, I have an idea. Just you wait here a minute.”

Filthy looked to the pop diva. “What are you going to do?”

“What I do best, honey. When I give the signal, you'll have plenty of room to look.”

Again, Filthy looked skeptical, but obliged and waited as the mare marched out of view.

After several minutes, he began to think she had doped him and left. But she did say he owed her dinner... why would she say that, just to leave like this? Suddenly, ponies began to all run in one direction, where Sapphire had taken off to.

“What did she do?” He questioned.

The answer soon came to him.

“OHH, BABY. HERE I AM. SIGNED. SEALED. DELIVERED, I'M YOURS. MMMMM.”

Her voice was booming. She must have appropriated a megaphone from a local store, and was now singing.

And wow was she hittin' it off! Somepony must of brought her a soap box, or something to stand on, because now she towered over the crowd. Her lungs filling the city square with booming music. Filthy Rich was so absorbed in her vocal talent, that he almost forgot to search for his watch. This must have been the signal.

He quickly scurried the now barren street. Soon, he found it. Within inches of a sewer drain. A couple minor scratches, but still operational! He held it up with a hoof, so Sapphire could see it. She cast him a wink, and kept on singing.

Her voice was amazing. It nearly knocked the wind out of him. He had thought her name had sounded familiar, and now his thoughts were correct. The soul of music. The diva of pop. Sapphire Shores.

Several minutes went by. Sapphire had finished her song, and was fighting her way through the crowd of ponies she had created. Finally, after giving a few autographs and hoof prints, she returned to the spot where Filthy was standing in awe.

“Well, I see it worked.” She said, tapping the golden pocket watch now in his pocket.

“Yes it did, Miss Shores.”

“Please, Mister Rich, you can call me Sapphire.”

Rich's heart began to flutter. He was about to say something he only allowed two ponies to ever say to him, one of which had been his mother.

“Sapphire, you can all me Filthy.”

“Ha ha ha, oh what a story Filthy.” Sapphire Shores chuckled as the two walked down the street lighted sidewalk.

“Oh yes, that was one I got from my father before his passing. He was quite the humerus pony, I must say.”

“Well Filthy, thank you so much for the dinner. It was M-M-MAGNIFIIIICENT, YEAH!”

Now it was Rich's turn to laugh. “Must you do that every time?”

“I'm sorry, but I can't help myself. I speak from my soul, sugar.”

“I've noticed.”

The rest of the walk, the two remained silent. At times, it seemed they didn't even know where they were going, but spending time with each other was all they cared about. Soon, however, they found their way to the Canterlot Tower where Filthy was staying for the week.

“So, is this it?” Filthy asked.

Sapphire looked to him, then up to the tower, piercing the sky with its height.

“I think I could go longer. What about you, honey?”

Filthy Rich opened the door, allowing Sapphire to enter first.

Once into his room, he immediately trotted his way to the kitchen.

“What would you like to drink, Sapphire? I have almost every kind of drink you can think of.”

“Mmmm, I'd love a Applejack Brandy. Do you have any?”

He chuckled. “Do I? I live in the town it's made in. Sweet Apple Acres. Nice family who lives there. It's named after the couple's foal.”

“Really? Odd thing to do.”

“If you knew those ponies like I do, it wouldn't be.”

Filthy poured both of them a glass of Brandy, and careful carried them on a small tray to the couch which Sapphire Shores had seated herself. She was in the middle of looking at a stack of VHS tapes, intrigued.

“Heh, yea. Those were some of my wife's favorite movies.”

“Tell me, Filthy,” She added a playful tone to his name, “What was her favorite?”

Rich set down the tray, allowing Sapphire to take her glass between her hooves. She downed the glass in one gulp.

“Wow, she can handle her drinks” He thought, nuzzling the pile of tapes until he found the right one.

“Mmm, Lion King, yes I remember that one well.”

“Oh, you've seen it then.” Filthy said with some sadness. He hoped to watch it.

“Seen it, honey, I co-stared in it!”

Rich nearly choked on his brandy. “Y-you what?”

“I played the voice of Nala.”

Now he was really surprised. And, more so, the feeling in his gut finally resided. The entire time, her voice was so familiar to him, but he couldn't place why. Now it all made sense. He and his wife had watched it at least once a month together.

“So, lets watch it then!” Sapphire clopped her hooves together with cheer.

“Well, I'd imagine you're sick of it by now.” Rich said. He didn't want her to feel obliged to watch it with him.

“Are you loco in the coco? I L-L-LOOOOVE that movie!”

“Again with the soul thing.” He thought. Though, if what she said was true, then she really did love the movie.

With a nod, he took the tape and put it into the VCR. While the previews played, he got them each another glass of brandy, but Sapphire told him to bring the whole glass with him on his way back.

“She must be able to really hold her alcohol.”

Soon, the two were sitting on the couch together, watching the movie's start. As it progressed, slowly the two pony’s drew closer and closer together. Filthy couldn't deny he still longed for his wife, but it had been so long since he had been with another pony, that maybe this one time, it would be good for him.

Eventually, it got to that one part. The part which he and the missus would always ignore the movie and pay closer attention to one another. However, this time she wasn't there. A bad feeling formed in his gut, and he was almost tempted to stop the tape and ask Sapphire to leave, but his mind froze from the song.

“Can you feel, the love tonight.”

It wasn't the singing from the television. Well, yes it was slightly, but more so, it was Sapphire Shores herself singing. Her voice, instead of it's usual high pitch and noisy attitude, held a soothing, heart felt sadness in it. Like she felt his pain, and understood him. More so, wanted to comfort him than hurt him.

It was his turn to sing. Watching the movie at least a hundred times, the song was stuck in his head. Or, more personally, in his heart.

Soon, Sapphire was leaning close to Filthy. Both their muzzles met, and he fell onto his back on the couch, her on top of him.

The movie continued without them.

“Aaaand that's the story of how you were conceived. Nighty-night Diamond.”

With a quick kiss to the head, Mister Rich switched off the bedroom light and closed the door.

Diamond Tiara lay in bed with a light shiver. It was the middle of summer.

Starlight Glimmer, Big Mac, CMC Clubhouse

This wasn’t her first choice, but when it came to starting a cult and drawing in followers, she could think of worse places to be. Starlight Glimmer wasn’t sure if the over abundance of apple tree’s was a good or bad thing. Then again, trying to start a cult in the middle of a farm probably wasn’t a good idea to begin with, but like she thought before, she’d been through worse.

Now she just had to do all this without alerting the farm ponies who lived and worked here. The disheveled mess that could hardly be called a tree house would suffice. She’d already been there for a few days, maybe if she did a little work to it, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Knock knock.

“Oh crud,” she said, then immediately facehoofed.

“I know yer in there, now open up.” The voice was male, very strong sounding.

Starlight Glimmer gulped. She could try to make an escape through one of the windows, but the latches were rusted shut and the only broken one still had jagged pieces of glass sticking out.

She panic pranced in place, unsure where to go, what to do.

That’s when the door opened. She’d forgotten to lock the door.

In stepped in a massive red stallion, whose bulk was intimidating to enemies and eye candy to hungry mares. Sadly, Starlight found herself on the former list, and was sure this was the end.

“I brought you some breakfast.”

Starlight blinked, her right forehoof still mid-trot.

“What?” she asked.

“I brought you some breakfast.”

The stallion turned his head around, and from his back produced a tray with, shockingly, breakfast.

“I… what?”

Macintosh rolled his eyes. “Ya’ve been livin’ in this treehouse fer days, I figured ya needed some grub.”

“Wait, you’ve known I was here?”

“Eeyup.”

“But… why-”

“Ya weren’t hurtin’ nopony. Not even stealin’ our apples. When a pony’s down on ‘er luck, I figured why attack them any more?” He set the plate down onto the floor, then with his nose pushed it towards Starlight.

“Now, mah sister don’t know nothin’ about this, but she’ll find out eventually. Got somethin’ planned with our little sister ‘n her friends to fix this place up, so best if ya headed out by nightfall.”

Starlight Glimmer stared at the platter of food, still dumbstruck.

“I figured I couldn’t send you out with at least some food in yer belly. Hard to get motivated to move when ya got nothin’ ta power ya.”

“But… why? Why this?”

The stallion shrugged. “Why not?”

“For all you know, I could be some crazy pony out to steal cutie marks and take over the world!”

He shrugged again. “Ya seem nice enough.”

“BUT WE JUST MET!”

“That we did. Now ya gonna eat or what? I gotta take them dishes back before Granny knows they’re missin’.”

Starlight glared at the stallion, her gut telling her that she shouldn’t be trusting this pony one bit, that he’s up to something, that okay on second thought I haven’t eaten in days.

She dove into the plate, barely chewing the pancakes as she would down a quarter cup of her orange juice between gulps. The blueberries on the side were excellent. And the apple on the side?

The entire time, the stallion stood at the doorway and watched with a stoic expression. Not smiling, not frowning, just neutral. It put Starlight’s nerves on edge.

“Iph phere sphomphing wron?” she said between chewing.

“Eenope.”

They stayed silent again, although Starlight’s table manners were loud enough for the two of them.

Just as she was finishing off the last pancake, the stallion spoke up.

“So, what’re ya runnin’ from?”

Starlight stopped mid-chew, brows raised as she studied the stallion. No signs of intent, or maliciousness. Just… curious?

She swallowed, coughed, then taking the neglected napkin dabbed it onto her mouth before she spoke.

“I’m not running from anything, actually. I’m running towards my goal.”

The stallion raised a brow.

“I’m fed up with how our society, our leaders, run things and think they’re working with everypony’s goals in mind. None of which have been my goals, so I’m on my journey to start something new.”

“Something new?”

“I’m going to create my own society, of similar minded ponies like myself.”

“An’ just what’re your ideas?”

Could this stallion really be curious enough? Do I have my first follower? “Well, look around you. What do you see?”

He turned to the left, then to the right, then back to the mare. “Walls.”

Starlight resisted facehoofing. “No no, I mean outside, just what’s out there?”

“Apple trees.”

“And what’s on your flank?”

“My cutie mark?”

“Which is…?”

“An apple.”

Starlight Glimmer clopped her hooves. “That! That’s what I’m trying to do! Eliminate the stigma of our cutie marks controlling how we live, how we work, how we… well, everything!”

“But the cutie mark shows us what we’re best at, don’t it?”

“That may be true, but what if somepony wanted to do something else? But now they’re stuck doing what their boring old cutie mark tells them is what they are to do.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t follow.”

Now Starlight facehoofed. "Take your cutie mark, for instance. It’s an apple, you live on an apple farm, you harvest apples. But what if there was more you wanted to do?”

“Then I’d do it?”

Starlight twitched. “Okay, maybe, but will you be any good at it? As good as you are handling apples?”

“Well-”

“Your cutie mark doesn’t change, and neither will your talent. You’re always and forever will be bound to apples for your entire life. Now take me, for example.” She turned so that the stallion could see her cutie mark. She could feel the shock from him, as much as he tried to keep his neutral expression, it wavered.

“I found a way to take all of that stigma away. No more being forced to obey your cutie mark, no more being stuck doing that same dull routine. Now, I can do whatever I want, and either excel or be terrible. That’s entirely up to me!”

He interrupted. “Ya can do all that even with a cutie mark, though. Jus’ cause I’m a good apple farmer don’t mean I can’t do other things. I can play the banjo, sing, even whittle here and there. Don’t mean that I have to only do apple related things.”

“Okay, then lets take it from another view point. Say a stranger walked up to you and saw you had that apple cutie mark, what would they think?”

“That I’m an apple farmer?”

“Yes. Now, if a stranger walked up to you with my cutie mark, what would they think?”

The stallion looked at the two bars again, then back at her eyes. “That yer nuts.”

Starlight actually let out a chuckle. “No, my dear, they wouldn’t know what to think. You know why? Because if everypony had the same mark, we wouldn’t have to form biases or judgement on a pony for what their talent is. Have you ever seen a pony walking around with a toilet plunger on their flank?”

“Uh… no?”

“That’s because they have to hide it in shame! They may be a master plumber, but that symbol could mean so much more. We judge and form ideas on what we see on each others flanks. I want to eliminate that, so everypony is treated equal, and not shunned for what they may or may not do best.”

“So that’s what yer wantin’ ta do then? Take away the symbol on our flanks that makes each of us unique?”

“Yes.”

The stallion just stood there, thinking, then for the first time his muzzle formed a grin.

“Okay, so let’s just say that I get my cutie mark into one of them there bars, then what?”

“Then you live your life unjudged and able to achieve any goals you want.”

“But if I have no set goal, how will I ever be good at any one thing.”

“Well, you won’t.”

“So then everypony will just be mediocre at everything, and no pony be good at one thing?”

Starlight blinked, her turn to raise a brow in curious thought.

“How I see it, yer tryin’ ta set up a new thingie that lets everypony be equal and not judged. I get that, and it sounds like a lot of ponies would flock to it. But then what? If no pony is good at one thing, how do ya’ll actually improve? If you’re all just okay at everythin’, there’s no room to develop them skills. Having one thing yer good at gives a pony somethin’ to be proud of. You can go ‘Yeah, I can do all this stuff, but I can do this better!’.

“We like havin’ somethin’ ta be proud of, myself included. If we were just all the same, what fun would we have knowing that everypony could do the same stuff at the same levels? I fer one wouldn’t mind havin’ a cutie mark of somethin’ else. Heck, I’d love to be a professional banjo player, but I ain’t. I’m an apple farmer, and proud of it.”

Starlight Glimmer sat in silence, mulling over what he had just said.

“So, I ask again, what’re ya runnin’ from?”

Images flashed through Starlight’s mind. Grade school, the teasing and prodding of being a blank flank. Then the onslaught of mockery when she finally did get it, only for it to mean nothing. She could do magic with a stick, what else? they would tease. Working countless jobs, the most taxing thing being, well, taxes. We don’t have a job for your talent, so we’ll just make you do paper work.

The years of pain, knowing ponies judging her for what her talent was suppose to be. What it should be. What she was because of it.

She hadn’t realized she was crying until the red stallion had one of his arms around her. She didn’t fight it, try to push away and run. She embraced it, openly weeping into his chest. He didn’t say anything, try to console her or tell her it would all be okay. She knew it wouldn’t, and suspected he knew the same thing. Just being there for her was enough.

“What’re ya runnin’ from?” That question bounced in her head the entire time. And the entire time the stallion kept a soothing foreleg around her. His heartbeats helped calm her, if only slightly. He was so warm, and not as tough muscle as she’d first suspected. She could have stayed like that for hours, but once she’d stopped crying so hard, he finally let go and drew back.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what…” She trailed off.

“Sometimes, we just need a pony to be there. Nothin’ more. I’ll be by later to bring ya some lunch. Then I’ll see about helpin’ ya on yer way.”

“On my way?”

“Eeyup. Ya got yerself a goal in mind, and challenge in heart. I ain’t one ta stop a pony from doin’ what they feel is right.”

“Even if it’s bad?”

He was silent. “Depends. I believe ponies need to figure out for themselves whether or not what they’re doin’ is good or bad. If yer told so, then how do ya learn anythin’?”

She was silent this time.

“If ya’d like, you can join us fer dinner before ya shove off. I’m sure Granny would love havin’ a visitor.”

There was a glimmer in her eyes. “Thank you, but no, and in fact I think I will take a raincheck on the lunch.”

The stallion raised a brow. “Headin’ out so soon?”

She laughed. “I’ve been here for three days too long. I… needed to let off some steam, and now that I have, I’m ready to go.”

“If that’s what ya want, then okay.” He grabbed the empty plate and cup, balancing them onto his back.

“Thank you for this, and for not being upset about me trespassing.”

He chuckled. “It’s been a long while since somepony used this place. Glad to see it occupied for once.”

Starlight Glimmer walked past the stallion, hesitant at first. His dark green eyes were so welcoming and warm, she could just-

No. And with that, she trotted past the bulking stallion, down the ramp, and away from the rising sun. She had a goal, a task to perform. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, let anything get in her way. After all, this wasn’t just for her, but all of Equestria.

Big Macintosh watched her trot away with pride in each of her steps. She had hesitated, only briefly, but that was enough for him.

He smiled.

Good luck, Miss.

There It Was

Author's Note

This was part of the PANIC! FICTION! speed fic writing challenge over at GaPJaxie's discord server. Prompt was A Fucking Cardboard Box, 34 minutes to write, and no time to edit. 500 word maximum count. It was knocked out the first round.

The server has all kinds of writing challenges that happen every week. Curious? Come on in and join us! Just have a reddit account ready, cause that's how we submit stories.

https://discord.gg/JHfTJx3 Touch the link. Do it now.

There It Was

There it was. Just staring at me. Glaring. Watching. Waiting.

A fucking cardboard box.

It had been sitting there for a while now. In the middle of the street. I wasn’t sure when exactly it appeared, but I knew that it was waiting for someone.

And of course, I was the one to stumble upon it first.

Seriously, no one else had walked down this street in hours now. Where did everyone go? It’s not like this was a dead end street, in a dying city, in the middle of a mitten shaped state.

So why was it I that came here? Taking my usual path, that wasn’t at all assumed in the sense that I’d never been here before. Why was it me that had to walk past that box, possibly investigate it, and see the horror that lay inside?

I fucking hate boxes.

Slowly I began walking. Small steps to begin with. Like the song, Put One Foot in Front of the Other. It was from a Disney show I think.

Every step that box was closer. The lid was partly open, and I couldn’t see what was inside from a distance. But I know, damn it I knew, that something was in there. And I was the one chosen to see what lay inside, and have to grunt the burden for the rest of my life.

It was less than twenty feet from me now. If I wore size 12 shoes, then it would be exactly twenty steps, but I wore size 11 ½, so who fuckin’ knew how many that was. Probably, a lot more.

I could see the box more clearly now. It had a bunch of black writing on it, but the obvious thing was Solo Plastic Cups.

Could have this been from a college kegger party? Why wasn’t I invited? Of course I know why, because I’m a deadbeat loser who has no friends. Why would-

I stop before the box, looking down inside.

It’s empty.

Of course it was empty. What was I expecting? A baby like version of a fictional cartoon character? I mean, really, how laughable! I was worried for nothing.

“See!” I said out loud, pointing down at the empty box. “I was worried about nothing.”

I placed my hands on my hips, a triumphant smile upon my face.

There was a femenine, awkward like cough beside me. “Uh, yeah, that’s cool and all but… can we go home now?”

I look down and to my left, at the colorful blue pegasus with rainbow like mane and tail. I patted her head, and took the liquor store grocery bag from her muzzle.

“Yeah, of course Dashie, let’s go home.”

The Locker Room

Author's Note

From PANIC! FICTION! THE FORTH. Prompt was What's that smell? in honor of the return of my athletes foot. 24 minutes to write, with 6 minutes to edit/cry.

Naturally, I lost again.

The Locker Room

Fire.

Sunset Shimmer was used to a lot of weird things since coming to Earth from Equestria. The very idea that using only two limbs to walk instead of four threw her off for a while, but after a few too many drunk homeless people began whistling at her strange behavior and a few stray dogs gave her some curious sniffs, she realized that no, she was in the wrong.

So then she stood up, and all was right in the world.

Well, maybe not her world, but the world in which she now resided. And just as she was getting the entirety of Canterlot High under her control, who came to spoil shit?

Princess Twilight Sparkle and her damn dog, too.

Granted, it was kind of her fault cause she took her big crown thingie, but really, how was she to know that the pony princess would follow her through and try to take it back?

So bla bla bla, friendship lessons, magical rainbow powers, and bam, Sunny Buns here was now a good guy.

Well, sorta.

She was good in the sense that she was no longer beating up Snips and Snails for lunch money because she couldn’t afford food, yet rode around on her bike and paid the insane insurance for a teen riding a bike.

No, instead, she participated in sports.

Rainbow Dash called it awesome. Applejack said it was good for her. Even Fluttershy said that, um, you know, it would probably help with that bit of a muffin top you had going on… please don’t hurt me.

So this is where we found Sunset Shimmer, in the girls locker room, after a long day of running around in circles, yet they were oval shaped.

“Good job today, Sunset! You did awesome!”

Sunset Shimmer gave a thumbs up to her rainbow haired friend, and then promptly collapsed onto one of the benches, face up, glaring at the slightly blinding fluorescent lights above her.

“Sunset, darling, are you alright?” Rarity was next to speak, asking with a hint of worry as she removed her stinky, sweaty work out clothes.

“Yeah, Rares, I’m fine. It’s just… I’m still getting used to focusing on two legs instead of four, and after a while, I try to go back to the old ways and I end up hurting myself.”

“Oh, right, the pony thing.” Rainbow shrugged, tossing her exercise bra into her dirty clothes filled locker. “You’re doing fine out there, girl. Relax.”

“I agree with Rainbow, darling. You’re doing fantastic! And you’re losing that muffin top!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks Rares.”

“Yeah Rarity, gosh, don’t bring that up. You know she’s trying for a bod like this!” Rainbow proceeded to run her hands along side her body, motioning to her bare chest and six pack clearly on display.

“Yes, although flat chests are so last year.”

Rainbow blinked. “Wait, they’re what?”

Ignoring Rainbow, Rarity walked over to sit beside Sunset on her bench, still laying on her back, clothes soaked with sweat.

“Darling, don’t fret so much. You’re getting there. I’m sure it is a lot harder on two legs instead of four, but just think of all the extra work you’re putting into it! Why, I bet if you went back to Equestria, you’d be the most beautifully fit pony in all of the land!”

Sunset blew a raspberry. “Yeah, except most stallions want a thicker mare so she can handle their weight when mounting.”

Rainbow threw on a simple T shirt, ignoring any semblance of needing a bra. “Mounting what?”

“Oh rest assured, darling, so long as you’re here, you have no worries for anything like that.” Rarity patted Sunset on her shoulder, then stood to finish removing her sweaty clothes.

“Yeah, I know all that, it’s just… frustrating, you know? Back in Equestria, I was so used to using my nose to smell all kinds of things, to identify who it was, what it was, and even find a good lay. Now, most everything is broken into three categories: Good, bad, and really bad.”

Rarity, with grace fit for a lady, put on her bra. “Well of course, that’s how it is here. We only strive for the best of smells, and most of those are pleasant and artificially made. Save for a few flowers, but even then we had to breed them into submission of the perfect smell.”

“No, seriously, can we go back to what she meant by mounting?” Rainbow asked, slipping on her shorts.

“No, I’m afraid not. You see, we’re trying to help Sunset with what is bothering her.”

“Yeah, and what exactly is bothering her?”

“These smells!” Sunset shot her hands up in the air towards the ceiling lights, then let them fall gracelessly to her stomache. “I just don’t understand any of them. I thought I had some figured out, but every time I come here-”

There was a sound of a locker slamming closed, bare foot steps walking along the tile floor. Both Rarity and Rainbow looked curiously off to the left, while Sunset ignored it, sitting up finally, and motioning to remove her top.

“It’s just, I’ve been coming here for as long as I could remember since leaving Equestria, and the smells always threw me off. I don’t get it.”

Then Sunset removed her sticky, sweaty shorts, showing nothing but bare skin.

It was at that time the mystery foot steps walked into view, causing Rarity to gasp and Rainbow to sigh with dejection.

“Good grief, what is that smell!?”

All three girls looked to Thunderlane, standing in the room naked, confused, and slightly agitated.

“Oh dear, we’re in the men’s locker room again, aren’t we?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, right…” Rainbow said.

Sunset sighed, hiking her pants back up and grabbing her gym bag to find the ladies locker room. “Oh, that’s probably what it was. Damn do I need to get laid.”

Hot Plot Fever

Author's Note

Written for the PANIC! FICTION! Remember, remember. Prompt had to involve treason, gunpowder, and plot in the story sense, but of course I had to use it wrong. Once again, did not place.

Hot Plot Fever

“Treason is such a harsh word, Twilight.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle looked to her long time mentor, turned equal, and now that her height was eye level with the white alicorn, she felt they were truly equal.

“But is it? I remember many times when you remarked that such actions would be worthy of treason.”

Former Princess Celestia, now just simply Celestia, or Tia if you read her Starbuckers name tag, rolled her eyes. “Twilight, I was always joking. I wouldn’t actually sentence a pony for not worshiping my plot.”

Princess Twilight sipped at her coffee, black, because she hadn’t expected to really drink anything, but at Celestia’s insistance she ordered a drink.

Her manager didn’t like it when she sat around on the job, and apparently she could count talking with the Princess of Equestria as work so long as she served her a drink.

Strange times these were.

“Still, I find it flattering that ponies still consider my plot note worthy after all these decades. I’ve been off the market for years now, after all.”

“Yeah, how is Flash Sentry holding up?”

Celestia shrugged, sipping at her own drink. “Passable. You really weren’t missing out on much.”

“Yeah, the human version wasn’t all that impressive either.”

Both mares let out a chortle of chuckles, lasting long enough for a couple ponies to notice before returning to their digital newspapers.

An awkward silence took over after the laughter died, and before Pinkie’s ghost could change that, Twilight cleared her throat. “So, you don’t think I should worry about it?”

Celestia nodded. “If anything, I used to always find it flattering my guards noticed my flanks. Take it with stride. Don’t flaunt it, but let them know it’s appreciated they look at you more than a princess, or their mother figure.”

Twilight blinked. “Wow, that… just made things seem weirder, in retrospect. I never thought of anypony looking at me like that.”

“Oh they will. Just remember you’re their ruler, and you’ll help with what you can, but you can’t give them everything.”

“Right, right. I learned that a long time ago. You remember, when everypony thought I was taking in a suitor.”

“Oh yes, I remember that. What ever did become of all that?”

“Four stallions found themselves in the crystal caverns with some really itchy privates.”

“Oh, Twilight, didn’t I ever tell you about-”

“YES! I know, I knew! But during that crazy growth spurt, I had so much going on, hormones wild…”

“Ah, yes, I remember that time well of my youth.” Celestia nodded, a dreamy smile on her face.

“Back to it, Celestia… what should I do then? If I don’t trie them for treason or put them in jail?”

Celestia reached over, patting Twilights shoulder with kindness. Fluttershy’s ghost smiled at them.

“Don’t fret. Let it slide this time, but give them a good warning.”

“What if they do it again? What if they call my flanks smoking hot?”

Celestia smiled. “Why, then give them a dose of their own medicine. When my guards would get smart with me, and take the complimenting to uncomfortable levels, I used to line their armor with gunpowder and then light a match. That knocked their hot plot fever fairly quickly. They got some real good hot plots of their own after that.”

Morning Wood

Author's Note

Done for PANIC! FICTION! Seventh Heaven. Prompt was "The Morning After", with only 18 minutes to write, 6 minutes to edit/cry, and max word count of 707.

If you're also interested in checking out what we do for speed writing challenges, because there are more than just the PANIC! FICTION!'s, be sure to come visit Jaxie's server!

Morning Wood

It had been a rough night at Sweet Apple Acres, and Applejack was still dead on her hooves as she marched down the flight of stairs from her bedroom and into the kitchen.

Big Macintosh was sitting at the table, calmly sipping at a cup of coffee.

“Mornin’” her brother said.

Applejack’s response was to grunt, taking a seat across from him.

“Didn’t sleep well?”

Applejack nodded, taking her brother’s cup of coffee for herself.

Another cup floated over to the red stallion in a wave of deep purple magic. He happily took it in both hooves, and enjoyed a long sip.

Applejack continued to groan.

Then Sugar Belle walked over, cooking apron on, and dropped a plate of hot, steaming pancakes between the two.

“Thanks, darlin’.”

The happily married couple touched noses, giggling as they rubbed together.

Applejack about puked into her empty mug, but was thankfully stopped when the kettle was brought over in the same magical field from earlier, pouring her another cup.

“And how is my sister in law this fine morning?” Belle asked, a small giggle following her words.

“Dandy.” Applejack took a gulp, ignoring the intense burn in her mouth.

“Oh my, you seem upset. Did… were we too loud last night?”

Both Applejack and Big Macintosh nearly spit out their drinks, one from embarrassment, the other dumbfounded shock and loss of the ability to breathe without liquid in their lungs.

Sugar Belle watched the two with a raised brow, but suddenly blushed with widening eyes. “Oh! N-no no! Not like that! I promise!”

Applejack let out a sigh.

“We’d never do such a thing with Applebloom in the house.”

“Or Granny.” Big Mac said with a shudder. “She likes ta… cheer us on from the other side of the door.”

Applejack stood from the table, sending the chair backwards with a loud screech of wood on wood. “That’s it.”

Both of the married ponies watched as she marched away, and out the back, slamming the screen door with a swift buck.

Once her hoof steps were out of ear shot, both ponies let out a breath. “That was a close one,” said Sugar Belle.

“Eeyup. Almost got caught.”

From under the table, Rainbow Dash crawled out, smacking her lips, savoring a flavor alien to her taste buds. “I dunno, guys. Do you really think AJ would like that sorta thing? I know Twi gave me that potion, but still seems kinda… well, un-gay…”

Sugar Belle and Big Macintosh nodded their heads.

“Yeah, there’s nothin’ like a little mornin’ wood ta start a day out right, and AJ there needs it.”

“And my jaw is still sore from yesterday morning’s wood, so I’m really glad you were able to take care of that for me, Dash.

“Eeyup!”

“Alright, well, thanks you two. I’ll try it on her tonight, then see what happens tomorrow.”

With a quick salute, the cyan pegasus took off out the same door Applejack had left, allowing it to close naturally.

“Oh thank Celestia they’re gone,” Sugar Belle said, then suddenly got caught in a puff of smoke before changing into Starlight Glimmer.

Big Mac did the same, transforming into Trixie.

“I was for sure we were about to be caught.”

Trixie looked down between her legs. “Yes, that was… strange, but at least we can safely say we’ve had sex in every single kitchen of Twilight Sparkle’s friends.”

“Yeah, tell me again, why does that mean anything?”

Trixie shrugged.

Cock and Tail Torture

Author's Note

Written for PANIC! AT THE CRISCO! or PANIC! number 73. Prompt was "cocktails". 17 minutes to write, 6 minutes to edit/cry, and max word count of 956. I actually managed to make it to the second round, with a total of 15 participants. The largest PANIC! yet!

Be sure to ask about the Quills and Sofa's Speedwriting Server. There's also a group here on fimmy fic for it.

Cock and Tail Torture

“No.” The word Applejack said was stern and said with a hardness that would put any stud to shame.

“Oh come on, AJ. It’ll be fun!” Rainbow said, giving her friend a genuine smile large enough to fill her own ego with.

“And I said no. There’s no way I’m doin’ that to one of my roosters, let alone myself.”

Rainbow blew a raspberry. “Come on, it’s not that bad or anything. I’ve done it a few times with the ‘Bolts. You get used to it.”

“And again I said no. Why are we even having this discussion? I asked you to help clean the dishes since you had dinner here again. Fer Celestia’s sake, Applebloom is just in the other room! Have you no shame?”

“No, not really. Also wouldn’t it be now In Twilight’s Name? Or For Sparkle’s Sake? Oh, that one kinds rolls off the tongue better.”

“I ain’t about to use one of my best friend’s name as an expression.”

“Oh? And why’s that? Afraid of calling it out when you’re…” Rainbow leaned forward, whispering into Applejack’s ear, “... hot and bothered?”

A chill ran down Applejack’s spine. The kind of tingle that would either lead to a buck in the face, or a buck in… other places best left between consenting adults.

“I’m sorry, RD, but this just sounds wrong. I can’t go abusing a part of myself like that.”

“Geeze, it’s just your tail, not like I’m gonna cut it off.”

“And what about my cock?”

Rainbow raised a brow.

“Are you gonna… abuse that, too?”

“Well, duh, that’s part of the deal. We just gotta coax him out of his little house, get him excited, and BAM!” Rainbow reinforced the exclamation with a smack of her hoof on the table.

Applejack gulped, looked over her shoulder into the living room where the rest of her family was enjoying a radio program, and then back to Rainbow.

“Well… I’ve never done anything quite like this, but if you’re sure.”

“Awesome! This’ll be fun, trust me.” Rainbow began marching outside, while Applejack held back.

“Where are you going?”

Rainbow paused at the open door. “Out to the hen house? If we’re gonna do this, I figured we need a cock.

Applejack blinked. “Oh, you meant an actual cock, a rooster.”

“Well yeah, duh, what did you think I-” Rainbow paused, eyes going wide. “Wait…”

“Yeah,” Applejack rubbed the back of her head. Spreading her forelegs, she, along with Rainbow, looked between them at the hunk of meat hanging low, “I thought you meant my dick.”

Clogged

Author's Note

This story was written for PANIC! AT THE BISTRO! number... shit I actually don't even know anymore. Write time was 23 minutes, with 5 minutes to edit/cry. Minimum word count was 250. Prompt was "Fourth Best".

So this was... I have no idea why, a sort of sequel/side story to Spike is a Toilet which I highly recommend you NOT TO READ. Just... accept the fact that sometimes I write stuff because I think it's funny, other times I find it curious.

And then there are those moments where I'm on the shitter, laptop on a wobbly TV tray and crying to myself while I nurse a bottle of whiskey. This is one of those moments.

Clogged

When Starlight was called for a “friendship emergency”, she was at first curious as to why her cutie mark hadn’t started glowing or vibrating. Either one of those would have surely woken Trixie beside her, although not even the knocking of the carriage door had woken the magician.

And then she was surprised to see Twilight standing there, nervous with a pleading look upon her face. She only said two words before dragging Starlight, and by connection due to intense cuddles, Trixie, with her into the Friendship Castle.

“So, you need me why?” Starlight asked.

“Because the ponies the map actually summoned are busy.”

“Too busy for a friendship emergency? The thing that should literally be making their butts vibrate and heat up?”

Twilight was silent for a moment.

“Eeeeyyyyup.”

“Yeah, I don’t buy that.”

Trixie chose that moment to awaken with a large yawn. “Starlight? Where are we?”

“In the castle. There’s apparently an emergency Twilight needed me with for… some reason.”

“Oh.”

“Well, I didn’t really need you, but you were the most convenient.”

Starlight raised a brow.

“Alright! You were my fourth pick!”

“Yeah, not even surprised by that.” Starlight let out a sigh. “Alright, so what is it?”

“Okay, so I need you to save Spike.”

Starlight’s ears shot up. “Save Spike? From what?”

“Well, remember when he got turned into a toilet a while back? And then he was the only toilet around?”

“Yeah, pretty sure everypony does. Wait… what are you saying?”

“He’s clogged.”

Silence.

“Oh ew, that’s gross,” Trixie said, then promptly walked away.

“Wait, Trixie, come back! I might need your help!”

“Yeah, no, sorry Starlight, you’re on your own with this one.”

They watched as Trixie’s tail disappeared around the corner. Starlight turned back to her ex-mentor.

“Okay, so why do I need to do this? Why can’t you?”

“I tried.”

“Okay, how about-”

“I’ve tried several, but nopony’s magic has been strong enough.”

“Strong… oh no. When you say he’s clogged…”

“You know, I’m honestly not sure what I expected.”

Starlight and Twilight stood before Rarity, who had both of her rear hooves shoved into Spike the Toilet’s bowl, his tongue waving around uselessly.

“Hello, darling. This is not what it-”

“Yes it is, and you should feel reeeeeal bad about it,” Starlight said as she stepped into the bathroom.

“Well excuse me if I’m only trying to help my poor Spikey-Wikey.”

“By shoving your hooves down his throat? Or well, bowl. Whatever!?” Starlight screamed.

“It seemed like the best time, honestly,” Twilight added.

“I just didn’t think I’d clog him so badly,” Rarity said.

Spike splashed his tongue around.

“Alright, so what do I need to do? Just pull?” Starlight asked.

“Yes, but carefully. Twilight tried and nearly uprooted Spike from the floor.”

“Wait, I thought you needed somepony stronger?” Starlight turned to Twilight.

“Well, my raw power is stronger, but you’re more…”

“Finesse,” Rarity insisted.

“Yes! Thank you.”

“Uh, no not really. But sure, I’m here, so what the hell.”

Starlight, using her magic, pulled gingerly on Rarity’s forelegs, and with some extra wiggle from Spike’s tongue, was able to free her.

“Okay, so that wasn’t so bad. I’m now going to forever regret my life decisions.”

“Wait, Starlight, he’s still clogged!”

“What?”

“Yes,” Twilight started, “that’s why Rarity was here in the first place. She tried, and got stuck. So you need to try and get out the clog.”

“Urg, fine!”

Starlight’s magic flared, and as she dug into Spike’s bowl and started plumbing, she noticed something hard blocking the passage.

“This is so groooooss,” Starlight wined.

“There there, darling, if I could shove my hooves in there, you can do this with your magic.”

“I can feel it in my horn. It’s horrible.”

Twilight rested a comforting wing across the mare’s back. After a few more minutes, Starlight finally had the clog coming free, and began to draw it back out.

“What… is this?” Starlight said through gritted teeth.

“We’re not sure,” Twilight admitted. “I just know when I went to use the potty, Spike was spilling up everywhere.”

“That’s gross. At least you mopped it up.”

Rarity and Twilight looked to each other, then down to the tacky floor.

“OH COME ON YOU TWO!”

“It was in the heat of the moment! Sorry!” Rarity stormed out to find cleaning supplies.

“Urg, fine, whatever, I think I just about got it.”

Spike continued to gurgle, waving his tongue about.

“By Celestia’s left teat Spike, you’re gross.”

Rarity returned, and at last Starlight, with one final huff, pulled out the clog.

“What…” Starlight stared at the wooden shoe.

“Oh look at that, it’s a single Clog!”

“And it’s one of mine!” Rarity added.

Starlight proceeded to beat the shit out of both mares with the still wet, dripping, and fecal covered shoe.

Teettoo

Author's Note

Written for another PANIC! because I'm falling apart at the seams. Contest was on 8/31/2020, prompt was Teeth. Time to write was 15 minutes, 3 minutes to edit/cry, and maximum word count was 303. I actually got second place!

Teettoo

Rainbow Dash sat in Dr. Colgate’s examination chair, hoof covering her muzzle.

“Now Rainbow, I need to see it in order to decide if we need to operate, or if I can repair it.”

Rainbow shook her head, hoof firmly pressed against her face.

Colgate sighed. “Look, we all know the kind of trouble you and Applejack get into. Getting a tooth bucked out of your mouth only now is, honestly, surprising. Unless you have had work done outside of Ponyville, and I’d be… sore about that.”

Again, Rainbow shook her head.

“Well then what’s the problem? Why won’t you show me. Doesn’t it hurt?”

Rainbow began to shake her head, then along with her ears falling, she nodded.

“So don’t you want to make the pain go away?”

Another, slower nod.

“Well I can do that. I just need to see the damage.”

Rainbow looked over to the five occupied seats of her friends. Fluttershy and Pinkie looked at Rainbow with downcast expressions, feeling for Rainbow. Twilight and Rarity were glaring at Applejack with scowls.

And Applejack was grinning ear to ear.

“Yeah, Dash, might as well get it over with. Somepony’s gonna see it before too long.”

Ears back, Rainbow looked to Colgate one last time, the dentist giving her a reassuring smile through her mask.

Finally, Rainbow let out a breath, removed her hoof from her muzzle, and slowly opened her mouth.

“See, Rainbow, that wasn’t so...”

Colgate froze, looking at the pegasus’ teeth. “What in Celestia’s left teat is that?”

Fluttershy and Pinkie gasped. Twilight and Rarity looked from Applejack to Rainbow, both curious and worried.

Applejack chuckled. “She lost a bet while we were in Las Pegasus.”

All the mares looked at Rainbow’s front tooth, which had a small pink heart with “I :heart: AJ” in black lettering.

Hammer of Love

Author's Note

PANIC! FICTION! 55. 9/12/2020. Prompt: Vintage Hammer. MINIMUM word count of 250, with 22 minutes to write and 4 to edit/cry. (no placement) (special thanks to Cara and Red for editing)

Hammer of Love

Mi Amore Cadenza looked upon her husband, the father of her alicorn foal, as he lay upon the kitchen floor of their Castle Suite.

“Any last words?” she asked, a massive hammer held above her head with her hooves.

Because when it came to love magic, it didn’t always equal physical violence. No, that was usually saved for the bedroom.

“Uh…” Shining thought, forehooves against his chest, rear legs hugging as high as they could to cover his unmentionables, tail firmly between them. “I love you?”

Cadence smiled, and with the aid of gravity brought the hammer down upon her husband, followed by a loud SPLAT!

The changeling exploded into a mist of green goop, splattering everywhere, including Flurry Heart who giggled as small globs splattered her upon her high chair.

“Splat! Daddah Splat!”

Cadence sighed. “No, Flurry, that wasn’t Daddy. That was another rogue changeling. Come on, we need to find Sunburst and Daddy.”

“Yay! ‘Burr fine Daddah!” Flurry cheered, while Cadance wiped off the globs of green from her daughter, and then herself.

“Yes, Sunburst will find Daddy. Let’s go.”

Cadence attached her saddle for Flurry to ride upon her back, and they marched out of their suite. Immediately two guards followed close behind.

“Princess, you’re not expected for-”

“Stoic, he’s a changeling.”

The guard who’d spoken up froze, and before they could react the other guard took the hammer provided by his princess and smashed them into a green puddle.

“Your highness, your awareness is uncanny.”

“Yeah, well, it has to be, after a dozen times of this you get used to it.”

“Very well. Shall I company you, or shall I spread word in the castle?”

“There’s no need. Stay along, it might be fun.”

“Yay, fine Daddah!”

“Yes, we’re going to find Sunburst, and then hopefully Shi- I mean, Prince Shining Armor.”

“Very well, your highness.”

And so the three traveled, finding two more disguised changelings before they came upon Sunburst’s private study.

Cadance gave two gentle knocks, hesitated, and then three loud knocks.

Nothing came from the other side. With a relieved sigh, Cadance opened the door herself and marched in on Sunburst buried in a book.

“Highness, how do you-”

“The real Sunburst is much like my sister in law. They glue themselves into a book. If anypony had answered the door looking like him,” she pointed to the stallion engrossed in a book, “then I’d known right away they were expecting company, which Sunburst never does.”

With that, she tapped the stallion’s shoulder, making him jump.

“What!? Oh, Princess! What can I do for you?”

“Changelings.”

He blinked. “What?”

“Buggos!” Flurry cheered, waving her hooves. “Fine Daddah!”

“Oh. Oh! Oh dear, we need to act quick before-”

“My guess is half the staff has already been replaced. So, we go to the cellar.”

Sunburst fidgeted on his hooves. “I… detest that place.”

“Which is why changelings would love it. Everypony hates that place.”

Unable to argue, the four now marched towards the cellar staircase, taking out another half dozen changelings, their numbers growing thicker with each regular pony stationed.

At last, the old stairs, built by the former King Sombra himself, came into view. Old, sturdy, and yet having a flare for the vintage look one would expect from Canterlot Castle, or maybe even older, pre-Equestrian structures.

So downward they traveled, cobwebs covering many of the walls and ceilings, however many of the crystal torches were already lit. Deeper and deeper they descended, until talk and banter could be heard. One such voice was clearly Shining Armor, and he did not sound pleased at all.

Cadance pressed an ear against the door, and upon some more talk, frowned, and reared her rear legs and bucked open a door. It exploded into splinters, causing all the ponies, and few changelings, inside to scatter and take cover.

“Cadey! Uh, what… what’s going-”

Flurry Heart was launched into Shining’s face with a screeching “Daaddaaaah!” and a face hug. A few of the undressed guards shied away from their ruler. The three changeling drones all hid behind their queen, Chrysallis, as she frowned.

“This is the third session you’ve broken up of ours. It’s as if you dislike me being the DM.”

Cadance huffed. “Well yes, especially when you exclude me and have these secret sessions.”

Sunburst, meanwhile, continued to peer from around the door edge, looking on with horror.

Hard Boiled Eggs and Cocaine don't mix, yo.

Author's Note

PANIC! FICTION! 56. Prompt was "Ballroom Blitz" with bonus points for using egg(s). Max word count 745, with 20 min to write and 5 min to edit/cry. (3rd place). This story is also loosely tied into my Vinyl Does a Crap Ton of Cocaine fic, so you know... have fun with that I guess.

Hard Boiled Eggs and Cocaine don't mix, yo.

The ballroom was alive with activity. Alcohol flowed like the waterfalls of Canterlot. Bodies moved about wildly in a sea of ponies, waves crashing, rubbing, even grinding into one another. The only thing to have been proper was the DJ’s set up. Vinyl Scratch, or by her stage name DJ Pon-3, had the best rig on this side of Equestria, and she loved to flaunt it more than her own flanks in Octavia’s face.

It also helped that she’d spiked the eggs with drugs. Who in their right mind would even bring hard boiled eggs to a rave, anyway? Vinyl didn’t know, nor did she really care. The punch was already more whiskey than actual punch anyway, so what was a few cups of cocaine dipped hard boiled eggs to add to the mix?

A lot, apparently, as she was pretty sure most of the ponies on the dance floor were out of their minds and clothes. Seriously, somepony had started a massive bonfire in the center of the room, where former Princess Celestia had declared they “burn away the fancy” or whatever she thought was going on.

Newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle supreme had decided she wanted to host a party as a final farewell for Celestia and Luna, allowing the two to let their manes down and have fun.

Luna was having fun alright, with about three other stallions. Celestia was chanting and dancing around the fire with common pony and noble pony alike. Princess Twilight Sparkle was still AWOL after she’d been dared to a hard boiled egg eating challenge, and lost to a very smug Princess Cadance (who was last seen dragging a screaming Shining Armor by his tail with her teeth into a random closet).

Between the drugs and eggs, the place stunk to high tartarus. Those unable to handle the ungodly scents were fast asleep in a pile of gassy, unconscious bodies. The only blessing was that the chandeliers were high enough that the candles couldn't ignite the entire room into a massive fireball that could probably take out a quarter of Canterlot Castle, if not the capitol itself.

Night Shadows

Author's Note

PANIC! FICTION! 60 9/28/2020 Prompt was Shadow Legends, with a minimum word count of 300, 28 minutes to write, and 6 minutes to edit/cry. (2nd place)

Night Shadows

Rainbow Dash looked on with worry.

Normally, she didn’t like to worry about things. If she felt as though she needed to worry, she tried to do so in the comfort of her own home, preferably with the company of only Tank, her pet tortoise, and a couple cartons of ice cream (Super Mare, because awesome.)

However, currently, as she watched the shadows flying around her in the dark woods of the Everfree, she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the legends were true.

What had seemed to be nothing more than the work of Nightmare Moon in years prior, now seemed more real, as in the legend of Nightmare Moon herself once upon a time.

And Rainbow could remember how that legend went.

Also, how it ended, but there was less flank kicking and more just trying not to die.

Currently, not dying was at the top of her priority list, but the shadowy figures had yet to do anything other than just… fly around and howl like demonic banshies.

Arguably, she would say she was growing bored, but she knew better than to let such a foolish trait of hers risk her life and limb in the Everfree.

Finally, after an eternity (or more realistically, 5 minutes) the figures stopped, and took positions in front of Dash. Their forms, cast down onto the ground as if they were but only shadows, shifted and changed, two dimensional becoming three, and they lifted up off the ground into solid beings, however under the bright light of Luna’s moon, they did not cast a shadow themselves.

Because, well, they were the shadows.

“Well well well, look who decided to come back for round two.”

It was the mare who spoke, the other two ponies being stallions by their physical build.

Rainbow Dash gulped, then steeled herself, pushing her chest out and standing straight.

“Hey, I’m not here for any trouble. But, if you’re looking for some anyway, I’d gladly-”

“We don’t care about that.”

Rainbow blinked.

“Wh-what? What do you mean?”

The shadow mare scoffed. “Look at us! We’re Shadow Bolts! Literally legends of the Everfree! Like we’d waste our time fighting you.”

“Then what do you mean, when it’s time for round two?”

The mare cracked her neck. “What else? Speed.”

A special part of Rainbow’s mind wanted to be curious, ask questions, and just wonder why any of this was going on.

But the usual part of Rainbow’s mind kicked those thoughts into the gully below, and her muzzle shifted into a predatory grin.

“Oh, speed is it? I’m game.”

The two shadow stallions leapt into the air. One stayed hovering just overhead, the other flew off towards the castle ruins, and found a comfortable place to perch on a crumbled wall.

“Easy. We have to race from this ‘Bolt, to the other.”

“Wait, that’s it? Just a straight line?”

The shadow mare grinned. All around lighting cracked, thunder boomed, and the clouds began shifting, covering the bright glow of the moon above.

“Ah, right, traps, huh?”

The shadow mare nodded. “Of course. A straight line would be suicide.”

“Even for you?”

The mare’s grin grew in size. “Depends.”

“Right, so this is totally a trap. It’s probably rigged in your favor. And you know I’d figure this out, so you’re actually going to play fair because you know it’s the only way to really get me to do this.”

The shadow mare’s grin twitched.

“Well, I’m game then!”

The grin returned in earnest, on both mare’s faces.

So they lined up at the first stallion, got into position, and waited.

“So… on three? Or three, and then go?” Rainbow asked.

The shadow mare barked a laugh, and suddenly a bright green bolt of lightning struck a dead tree beside them. Rainbow flinched, which allowed the other mare the needed time to launch herself.

“Hey! Get back here!” Rainbow shouted, and launched herself into the air to chase after.

The two mares weaved around one another. Each time they went straight for the other stallion, aka the Finish Line (which unironically was his name, just don’t make fun of him for it, he has intimacy issues) a cloud obstacle would get in the way. Or a lightning bolt would strike near them.

This was it, this was really happening for Rainbow.

They were practically neck and neck, until finally the stallion was close enough Rainbow could see him reading a Playpony magazine.

“Hah! I got this, just watch!”

Suddenly, Rainbow put on a burst of speed, getting a solid ponys length ahead of her competition.

This was it, she was about to beat the legends of the Shadow Bolts in a speed contest.

Another dodge, another flourish of her wings, a loop de loop, and she was there, moments away from-

Everything froze.

Rainbow blinked, frozen mid-air. She looked behind her, the only thing movable on herself was her head and forelegs.

“What the?”

Behind her, the shadow bolt was frozen stiff, mid grin as she pushed herself to catch up.

There was a sudden bright light ahead of Rainbow, and she used her legs to cover her face. Blinking repeatedly, she finally looked ahead to see what it was.

A large, rectangular box of bright light shown down upon her, blocking her view of her goal.

Then… music began playing, and within the bright box, movement, and then…

“Buy it now. Raid: Shadow Legends!”

Rainbow groaned. Another dream ad.

Luna was getting overboard with these 15 second ads…

Window Seat

Author's Note

Contest #82: Dictionary of Thoughts #2 - 10/12/20 Prompt: Experience Quote: “Experience is the extract of suffering." - A. Helps (1st place)
Special thanks to Holt, Nexus, Vis, and Nailah for the help of pre-reading and edit suggestions.
This story has the possibility of being part of another fic I'm working on, and if I end up doing so, it will be removed from this anthology.

Window Seat

Twilight Sparkle looked across the battlefield with a grim expression.

War was not a new thing to Equestria, but it was to Princess Twilight Sparkle. Even a war that had been going on for nearly three years now, with countless lives lost on both sides. Heavy losses for seemingly meaningless causes. Celestia and Luna had told her of them, and what cost it really had on a nation, and its rulers.

This was, however, the first field of battle she had been present for.

Celestia had told her, some time ago in confidence, that there would be a day the ruler of a nation would need to be on the scene, when the moral would be low and the ponies of her command in distress.

The presence of Twilight had helped greatly, and yet she could not unsee the dead eyes of those fallen, or the sorrow in ponies gravely wounded, their life essence draining away into the soil once home to ponies, maybe even their own families.

“Your Highness?”

Twilight blinked, eyes still out on the war-savaged hills. “Yes?”

“Um… we’re… waiting for your thoughts on the matter.”

With a slow, agonizing motion, Twilight turned her head back to face her generals, neck creaking like it was a dry door hinge. Of course, nopony actually heard such a sound, but in Twilight’s mind it felt that way. Sounded that way.

A war map was before her. Pieces of spent brass, children’s toys, and broken pottery were used as pieces of a game, strewn about seemingly randomly, yet to the children there was a pattern.

Apparently, the actual pieces were lost from a previous retreat when the enemy had advanced at an alarming rate. A carrier pegasus offered to retrieve them for Her Highness, but Twilight strictly forbade it.

Painted pieces of wood were not worth a life, even if the pony were fast. Even if they were a descendant of her close friend Rainbow Dash. It should have been a rule in general; nothing was worth the cost of a life. Land, resources, even other lives.

Luna had scoffed, and said Twilight had sounded like a very young, naive Celestia from eons past.

“Your Highness?”

Twilight looked from the table to the pony addressing her and nodded.

“Do you need us to repeat the plan?”

She shook her head once.

“Very well. We will begin in five hours, providing we’re not under-”

In the blink of an eye, Princess Twilight Sparkle found herself looking up at a destroyed ceiling. Plaster and pieces of wood rained down, some landing on the wood floor with a clatter, other pieces muffled by softer targets.

She began to stand, but she was held down by a pair of forelegs, one of her generals was restraining her.

“Don’t-” he coughed, “move, Your Highness. You have a wound.”

Twilight stretched her long neck, her eyes going wide at the scene before her.

The table was gone, as well as the entire wall that was in front of her, and behind her row of generals. Two clearly mangled bodies were there, and signs of movement from a couple more.

She didn’t feel hurt, or in pain. The only sensation she felt was the concussion in her head, and a damp, warm liquid covering most of her face and neck.

The general holding her down was still, and didn’t even stir when she stood, and realized what they had thought was her own injuries, were in fact not.

The pony trying to hold her down was missing his entire back half. It was his blood upon her. And he was now dead, his cold, soulless eyes looking where she had been.

The building rocked from another explosion. She didn’t even have a chance to react before two ponies came running in.

“Is everypony-” the first guard started, then froze upon making eye contact with Twilight.

The other guard was quick to start checking bodies.

The first one approached Twilight, talking to her, but she was focused on the other guard. Watching him check each body for life, one at a time.

After the sixth body, the guard approached with a small bow. “Your Highness, I’m sorry, but none of them survived.”

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Twilight remembered asking to be near the window, against all of her generals' protest in case of a sniper. She was supposed to sit where they were all now dead.

Another explosion.

“Your Highness! We must leave, the enemy will be upon us shortly.”

She looked to the two guards, then to the deceased around her.

She licked her lips. “You two, were outside the door, correct?”

They looked at each other distressingly, but the first guard to enter nodded.

“And you heard everything discussed here?”

Again the two shared a look, but the second guard stood straighter and nodded. “Yes, Your Highness.”

It was fair to say this was still a new experience for Twilight, but if Celestia had taught her anything, it was that sometimes you needed to act on quick hooves.

“Very well. What are your names?”

“Captain Steel Plate.”

“Captain Silver Shield.”

“Alright, and are you both confident in remembering everything discussed in this room?”

Both guards nodded.

“Excellent. General Steel Plate, General Silver Shield, let us move.”

Both guards gulped. Steel Plate struggled to talk. “Ma’am? Er, Your Highness?”

“You heard me. We must move, get this plan moved up and push back.”

While on shaky hooves, Princess Twilight Sparkle marched out of the collapsing building with an air of confidence, her two newly appointed generals close to follow.

Pegasus Device

Author's Note

PANIC! 64 10/25/2020 Prompt: Device. 15 min to write, 5 min to edit/cry, and max word count of 650. (Third place)

Thanks to Cara for the edits/suggestions!

Pegasus Device

Rainbow Dash looked at the machine before her, brow raised, wings half open, and wondering if Twilight had anything to do with this.

Honestly, she was the only pony eggheadiness to do something so… wild.

“I don’t get it,” Spitfire, beside Rainbow, spoke up with a very similar expression to Rainbow’s, only more resting bitch face than confusion.

“Oh come on!” Soarin shouted. “You have gotta know what this is!”

The two pegasus mares looked once again at the contraption. Large, with pistons and weights, covered in a brown felt like material.

“Nope, sorry Soar, no clue,” Rainbow shrugged.

“Okay, so you know those buffalo out near Appleloosa?”

Both mares nodded.

“Well, it’s a sport out there, they try to buck ponies off of their backs! It got so popular, they made an actual machine to do it so the buffalo couldn’t get hurt on accident!”

“Okay, yeah, I remember something like that,” Rainbow tapped her chin.

“That’s fine and all, but what does that have to do with us?” Spitfire asked, pointing her wing at the device.

Soarin blew a raspberry. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“For a simpleton like you, maybe, but not us. Spill it,” Spitfire huffed.

“For practice, of course! We could use this sort of like the Dizitron! Put a pony on it, and ramp it up to the max! Would sort of simulate… intense weather or something!”

“Soarin, that’s dumb. You’re dumb.”

“Come on, Boss! Just give it a try? Please?”

Soarin was now at Spitfire’s hooves, lip quivering and eyes large and watery.

“Okay okay, fine, yeesh, pull back those eyes already, I’ll give it a go.”

“Yes!” Soarin pumped a hoof into the air.

Spitfire jumped up, resting both her rear legs on either side of the brown fabric, and nodded at Surprise standing near the controls.

With the pull of a lever, it began at a slow pace, rocking back and forth, along with a few gyrations to either side.

“Okay, I can sort of get this. How much more does it do?”

Soarin grinned, and with a nod to Surprise, the white mare jammed the levers all to the max inputs.

Spitfire found herself hanging on for dear life as she was tossed about, and after only thirty seconds, she was launched off to the ground, landing onto a pad of cloud.

Soarin and Rainbow helped her back to her hooves, and after a couple shaky steps she shook herself back to reality.

“Well?” Soarin asked.

With a huff of breath, Spitfire blew her messy mane out of her face.

“Fine, but it gets kept in a secluded room so the rookies don’t go doing anything stupid or worse, hurt themselves.”

“Yes!” another hoof into the air, and Soarin was off to find a special room for it.

Surprise joined Spitfire and Rainbow, a smug grin on her face. “Sooooo?”

Spitfire sighed. “Alright, fine, it was a good idea. Like you said, strap a dildo on top and we have ourselves a party.”

Rejection Resort

Author's Note

For the rejection Panic on 2021-01-26. Thanks to Lofty Withers, Red Parade, Abogan, FoolAmongTheStars, Aurora Dawn, and Decaf (I think that was everyone) for the prereading and edits!

This one is honestly a lot of nonsense, but it was also fun to write. I don't remember if this placed at all, but if it did I'll update this with what it did. Otherwise, just assume that it failed in ever aspect of the sense.

Also I had PTSD of playing Dead Island after writing this... damn game.

Rejection Resort

Derpy Hooves looked across the battlefield.

She was lost.

Confused.

Lost...fused?

The bodies strewn about the ground were a vile combination of her own friends, as well as those who seeked to do her harm with harsh words and stale muffins.

She pitied them, but also recognized their harshness was what made her stronger.

Stepping over several bodies, she continued on, making sure none of the still forms dared twitch a single hair, for then she’d have to put them out of their misery.

Which really, was more so her own misery. Really now, crushing a fellow pony’s skull with a baseball bat was not something to be remembered.

The pool to the resort had been cleaned and ready for use, up until a day ago, and now was littered with litter and liter and other kinds of L’s.

She suddenly stopped before the Tiki hut, the flames of the tiki torches still glowing bright and hot.

“H-hello?” Derpy asked.

Suddenly a brown earth pony shot up from behind the counter, a bottle of vodka in his hoof.

“Beback, demon spawn, for I shall- wait, you talked?”

Derpy looked around herself, noticing several of the dead bodies had broken glass embedded into their skulls. She then looked back to the stallion, and nodded.

“Eeyup!”

“You spoke!”

“Yeah…” Derpy rubbed a foreleg, “that was a thing my ex coltfriend would say, then I had to kill him because…” she then waved a hoof out at the bodies strewn about.

“Oh. Oh! I’m… sorry, it’s just been so long since I’ve seen anypony normal, other than that little girl falling from the hotel’s highest floor, then magically being pulled up into the loving embrace of her parents or something as such.”

Depry tilted her head, confused.

The stallion shrugged. “I dunno, was probably a promo or something. Anyway! I’m Doctor Whooves, at your service!”

Derpy watched the strange stallion extend his blood covered hoof towards her, yet with no hesitation shook it.

“And I’m Derpy. Derpy Hooves.”

“Huh!” the stallion proclaimed, then vaulted over the bar counter, a fresh bottle still in hoof, “It’s as if we’re meant to be. Whooves and Hooves!”

The grey mare couldn’t help but let out a giggle snort, which she tried to cover with a foreleg, only for the stallion to push it aside.

“Now now, miss Derpy, that’s nothing to hide. We’re on a mission now, you see! And as long as we stay away from zombie ponies and kicking random beach balls, we’re sure to survive this!”

Derpy smiled, then screamed as one of the bodies suddenly shot up and bit the brown stallion on the neck.

To which the stallion started screaming, gurgling, and flailing as he dove into the half full swimming pool.

Derpy held her breath. “Well, maybe he got lucky, and it wasn’t too deep…”

Doctor Whooves surfaced, hacking and fighting to breathe. “Well,” he coughed again, “that was certainly a-”

Then suddenly a ponyshark launched out of the pool’s surface, and grabbed the stallion, pulling him under.

“Doctor!” Derpy shouted, leaning over the edge to watch as the two fought bravely under the chlorine infested waters, and then for only one of them to win and struggle to the surface.

It was Doctor Whooves!

“Doctor!” Derpy cried, waving her arms at the battered, bruised, and bitten stallion.

“Yes…”he groggily stated the fact, encouraging her words, and reinstating the notion that she was, in fact, correct, in that he was Whooves, but the doctor was yet to be seen.

Derpy gave him a hoof as he climbed out of the pool, hacking and wheezing all the while, stale water evacuating his even more stale lungs. Seriously, when was the last time he’d used a ventilator?

“Okay, I think we’re…” another cough, “ready to go.”

Derpy took him around her side, wrapping her foreleg around him, and helped guide him outside of the hotel.

“It’s okay, Doctor, we will find somepony to help us, and we’ll be off this dead island before too long.”

“Yes, or wind up like the rest of them.”

Like it was involuntary, Derpy promptly bucked the stallion away from her.

He landed with a meaty thud against a rock, groaning and crying.

“Doctor!”

“Yes! I am! But not for much longer if you keep this abuse up!”

Derpy rushed to the stallion's side. “No, you don’t understand. This is a dead island.”

Doctor Whooves blinked. “Yes, it is, but we’re yet alive.”

“But why?” the mare asked.

“Well…” he rubbed his bitten neck, then looked to the mare holding him in place. “Quite frankly my dear, we’re outcast. Rejects. And we’re here because… nopony else wanted to deal with us.”

Derpy gasped, dropping the stallion onto the cold, hard, black pavement of the deserted road to nowhere. “By Celestia…”

Doctor Whooves groaned, “pretty sure she's out of the picture by now. Or, you know, just enjoying the scenery.”

“Or maybe she’s been rejected, and is now one of them.”

Whooves followed Derpy’s pointed hoof, to a crowd of dancing zombies.

“No, those are more Luna’s gig. Celestia would be just alone, sad, and feeling... “ the stallion bit his tongue.

Derpy, nudging her face against the stallions, grinned at him as she spoke.

“Reeeeejected?”

Doctor Whooves sighed. “Yes, feeling… rejected.”

“Then quickly, Doctor, we must go!” Derpy said, grabbing the stallion, throwing him into an abandoned carriage, and trotting as fast as she could hooked up to it.

“Where are we going!?”

“Where else? The Jungle Book!”

“Hakuna Matata!” both a pig and muskrat began singing, then were promptly splatted by four grey hooves pulling a wagon.

“Doctor, we’re here!”

Doctor Whooves, or what was left of him, groaned as he sat up in the carriage. “We are… where?”

“The forest!”

“Forest? On an island?”

Derpy nodded, unhitching herself, then hovering in the air. “Eeyup! We are here to fix everything!”

“How?” Doctor Whooves asked.

“Easily,” Derpy then showed him a secret hidden sciency-base thingie.

“Just hit the button, Doctor.”

The brown stallion hovered his hoof over the button, then hesitated.

“What… happens?”

“Derpy smiled,” Derpy said, smiling, “we are reset.”

“Reset?”

“Derpy nodded,” Derpy nodded, saying as such.

“What… what’s happening?”

Derpy looked up to the sky. “We are being rejected, and forced into a new reality.” She then stretched out a hoof towards her companion. “Come, Doctor, if you want to live… or at least not be forced to endure the ending of a horrible video game.”

And so Doctor Whooves placed his hoof in hers, and the two were whisked away to a new beginning.

Slowly, Doctor Whooves’s eyes began go open up.

“Ah, you’re finally awake,” Derpy said.

The stallion then noticed they were in the back of a wagon, bound, and groaned to himself.

Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater

Author's Note

According to Gdocs, I wrote this on Nov 6th, 2013.

Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater

Speed fic
Prompts: Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater

Blink

The tiny green reptile looked around. The massive stage, the thousand or so seats, and the near sky high ceiling were overwhelming for a creature as small as he.

“You're sure you want to hide it... here?” A familiar voice asked.

Gummy looked up, spying his master conversing with another pony. One of her friends, so he assumed. They spent a lot of time together, so they had to be.

“Of course Twilight! This is the best place to hide it. No pony would ever think to look here.”

The purple mare looked around, still unsure. She set down a levitated box as she marched towards the stage.

“Okay Pinkie, lets find a good place to hide it then. It has to be somewhere nopony would ever think to look.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” The pink pony then looked down to her pet. “Gummy, guard the box!” She gave the small reptile a salute.

Blink

Pinkie Pie nodded in approval and bounced after her friend.

When his master had told him he would be entrusted to “guard” something, he took it seriously. Sure, he's guarded a few treats and snacks from many customers, but nothing so important as this. Granted, he didn't even know what was in the box, only that his master told him to guard it. So that's what he did.

Gummy promptly jumped on top of the box, laying flat on his belly to guard it. He didn't move; to move would blow his cover. If he remained still, he'd be invisible. No one would suspect an invisible alligator guarding the box.

“Well now, what is this?”

An unknown voice spoke up. The janitor pony picked up the box, Gummy still attached, and place it on his cleaning cart.

“Somepony must have lost their jewelry box and a toy alligator.”

Should he react? Attack the pony taking the box? Then again, he didn't seem to be noticed. Gummy thought about the many stories his master had told him before bed. Was this pony... a spy? He had to be. He was too unusually normal. No one suspects a janitor. He should have disguised himself as that.

With a cheerful whistle, the pony pushed the car down the hall, ignoring the occasional blink of the tiny alligator.

Gummy knew that if this pony were stealing this box, then he made the mistake of not checking for traps. The fact was, he was the trap. Instead of acting, however, Gummy chose to stay still. He wanted to see where this spy was taking the box. Maybe he'd be able to take down the entire spy network after it. From down the hall, he could have sworn he heard the scream of a familiar voice.

“Got another lost and found for ya.” The janitor pony placed the alligator toting box into a pile of other misfit objects. “Some lass forgot her jewelry box and their foal's toy.”

“Oh, how wonderful.” The bemused voice behind the counter sounded like he wanted any other job than this one.

This must be his partner in crime.

Gummy wasn't any dummy, no matter how much those rhymed. They were after the box. He knew it. So he sat and waited.

And waited.

Aaand waited.

The ticking of a watch from the bowels of his stomach told him he had been waiting a long time, and that he was hungry. But moving could blow his cover. He needed a distraction. Looking around the other objects (other stolen goods from these spies, he assumed) he tried to find something, anything that could distract this guard pony in front of him.

His tail poked something, giving a gentle squeak in the process.

Jackpot.

Using his time gingerly, he turned and grabbed the small squeaky ball. Careful not to bite down too hard, he positioned it so it would roll out of the room. With a quick smack of his tail, it took off. The guard took immediate notice. In no hurry whatsoever, he got out of his chair and began to walk after the ball.

Success!

This was his chance, he needed to take it. Carefully Gummy did his best to pick up the box with his two front feet. However, it was too wide. Furthermore, too heavy. He tried to heft it on his back. Still no luck. He was running out of time. Only one option came to mind, and as much as he liked it, he also didn't like it.

With a hack and a cough, he choked up a small silver key. The very key for this box. His master had entrusted him with it. No one suspects an alligator.

He unlocked the box, careful not to let anything spill out if it was full. Luckily, it was not. Instead, inside sat a small sharp object. A claw? He wasn't sure. And it didn't matter. Quickly he grabbed it and stuck it in between his lips. This would be easier if he had teeth to grip it.

“What the-”

Gummy turned around, standing there was the guard pony in shock.

Drats! I've been spotted, my cover has been blown.

As quickly as one could waddle, he dashed between the pony's legs.

“Is that... a crocodile?”

Okay, sorta blown. It was still intact, for now...

The pony took many seconds to react, shell shocked at what he was witnessing. A small green reptile stealing something out of a box in the lost and found.

“Hey, get back here you thief!”

Gummy ignored the pony, instead finding a floor vent to scurry into.

“Blast it! He's in the ventilation! Security, this is the front desk. We have a wild crocodile in the ventilation. No, I'm not joking, I'm being serious. When have I ever-”

Gummy was out of range for the voice, trying to maneuver around the vents as best as he could. He needed to find his master. He needed to return this... whatever it was to her.

He was trapped.

When he reached a fork in the road, he chose the left path. Bad choice apparently. Somehow or another he had gone from the floor ventilation to the ceiling ventilation. Worse yet, he had fallen through a already lose vent and fallen right in the path of several guard ponies, already on the hunt.

Now he was cornered. The ponies could already taste the blood on their lips. What would these spies do to him once they captured him. More so, what would they do with this claw thingie? In a panic, the tiny alligator had dropped it, it now sitting in front of him.

“Is that... a tip of a horn?”

The ponies began to back up, shock in their faces.

“Did that little crocodile just spit up a pony's horn? Oh Celestia, it's already ate a pony!”

I did?

They now feared him. He had to use this to his advantage. He snapped his jaws with fury, attempting to scare them further.

“No, wait, how could he have done that? He's got no teeth.”

Drats! Foiled again!

Quickly he grabbed the shard and waddled off, trying to outrun them.

“He's getting away, after him!”

The ponies would be on him in seconds, being much larger than he. A thought crossed his mind. They thought he was a crocodile...

“No one suspects a alligator” his master had told him.

With a toss of his head, and a flick of his tongue, he swallowed the shard. Whole.

“Gotcha!” The captor guard announced.

Or so he thought, as Gummy wiggled his way out of the pony's hooves.

“What the-”

He then clamped onto the pony's foreleg, using his tail as a pendulum he threw himself at the pony's mane and latched on. Momentum was on his side.

“IT'S IN MY MANE! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!” The stallion screamed like a little filly.

As the next pony drew near, aided by the thrashing pony he lunged at it, clamping onto its face.

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!”

The pony began running in circles, causing Gummy to feel a little sick. If this continued, he's bring up the shard he was tasked with protecting.

When the chance arose, he let go and was flung away towards a set of double doors. He was once again in the auditorium where his adventure had began.

“Where did it go?” One pony shouted.

“I'm not sure, I was too busy TRYING TO NOT GET EATEN!”

More hoof stomps echoed in the room. Was this more spies after him? Well, he was ready.

“Oh, there you are Gummy! We've been looking everywhere for you.”

His master, at last.

“YOU FOUND HIM? OH GOOD, WHERE'S THE BOX? IS IT WITH HIM?”

Pinkie Pie looked around, shrugging. “Nopey lopey. Not here. Somepony must have taken it, and Gummy tried to chase after them.

She knew me too well.

“That's ridiculous. They probably just took him by accident-"

Hey now...

“- but right now, we need to find that box! King Sombra's horn needs to be hidden so that no one will find it.

Oh, it was a horn.

His master looked down to him, thinking. A smile then came across her lips.

“It's okay Twilight. It's already been hidden.”

Twilight looked to her friend in shock. “It's... been... WHAT?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yuppers! It's already been taken care of. So relax, lets go get lunch!”

Simultaneously, Pinkie's and Gummy's tummies rumbled.

Blink

“How can you be so sure? I mean, who would have done it.”

“Relax Twilight, I know these things. It was someone we know.”

Twilight looked pained, but asked further. “How do you know?”

Within a nano second, the lightbulb in her head clicked on. At the same time, though in different tones the two ponies answered-

“Pinkie Sense.”

Twilight let out a moan, but looked to her friend with a hopeful expression.

“If you're sure Pinkie.”

She nodded.

“Fine, alright, lets go get lunch.”

Twilight walked past the pink pony and alligator, walking through the set of double doors where many ponies were scurrying around in search of a small crocodile.

Pinkie looked down to her pet, her loyal companion. She grabbed him by the back of the neck and flopped him onto her head, his usual resting place of choice.

Pinkie Pie walked through the doors with a wide smile on her face.

No one suspects an alligator.

Fred the Fsh

Author's Note

For PANIC! number 58 hosted by me. 22 minutes to write, 8 minutes to edit/cry, and the prompt was Horror Breakfast Foods. Naturally, I lost.

Fred the Fsh

Mister and Missus Cake looked at their breakfast stable with a hint of worry.

The twins were still in bed, so thankfully they’d be spared this gruesome feast put out before the married couple. No sense in spoiling young minds with such horrors.

“Weeeeell?” Pinkie Pie, resident baker’s assistant slash house guest that after ten years still hasn’t left yet, asked.

“We, uh, appreciate you making us breakfast, Pinkie,” Mister Cake said, a hint of hesitation at his words.

“Yes, dearie, it’s a wonderful treat as always. Just… what are we looking at?”

“For that matter,” Carrot gulped, “what are we about to eat?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes at her employer’s confusion.

“It’s fsh!”

Both of the Cakes looked from each other, and back to Pinkie.

“Fsh?”

Pinkie nodded.

“It was fish, but I removed the eyes!”

They looked to the dead trout, which was, in fact, missing it’s eyes.

“Well…” Mister Cake began, paused, and licked his lips.

“Dearie, we’re not strangers to fish, but, why for breakfast?” Missus Cake asked, picking up the slack for her frail husband.

“Because Fred’s been shoved in the freezer for years, and I needed to make room for Francis.”

Blinking, Mister and Missus Cake looked from the dead fish to the freezer in the kitchen.

“So, this was Fred?” Carrot asked.

Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno what their actual names are, but I just like to pretend I do! Makes their death, cooking, and consumption that much more special!”

Cup Cake poked the dead, thawed fish. “Pinkie, you didn’t even gut it.”

“Well duh! I figured mutilation was a family thing!” Pinkie pulled out three large knives from… somewhere. “So, who wants to cut off the head?” She then pulled out a mini guillotine which was stained by its past victims.

“Do you even know how to dress a fish?” Carrot asked.

Pinkie blinked. “Wait, we can also dress fsh? I didn’t know that!”

She proceeded to pull out a miniature wicker hat and placed it on Fred’s dead head.

The Cakes watched as she struggled to then also add a small tuxedo, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

“Welp, Pinkie officially murdered breakfast,” Carrot said with a sigh.

“Mhm. Seems that way. Pancakes?” Cup asked.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll get the ketchup,” Carrot walked to the fridge as his wife began mixing the batter.