Human Protagonists Come to Equestria to Die in Flames

by SpiritDutch

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6376

Some prankster is letting bushels of humans into Equestria. It's up to Twilight Sparkle and the Five Fates to clean their filth from their eternally pure homeworld.

This is where the crack comes home to roost. You probably shouldn't read this story. This was created out of my distain for 'displaced' stories, many of them self-insert, good or bad.

By some contrivance of fate, humans are coming to Equestria. Murderous jackass Princess Twilight Sparkle is not happy about it, and decides to destroy most of them.

Published 2014-09-26 15:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-29 08:45:01 UTC

The Soldier Archetype

Author's Note

Why?

The Soldier Archetype

My name is Private Autowaschanlage. I’m a soldier in the Liechtenstein Military. This is my story.

Until a most fabulous incident, I was deployed to fight terrorism in Switzerland. The rise of radical yodelling in the year 20XX proved too much for the Swiss government, and so her closest ally, my glorious home nation of Liechtenstein, answered the call to combat this threat to world peace. On the morning of February 30th, the grand 1st Liechtenstein Battalion of Triumphant Laudation crossed the border, and commenced counter-yodeling operations in the Swiss mountains.

I was the first casualty of that fight. My platoon was chasing down a tip on a cash of lederhosen which took me to an isolated village. I approached the house, thinking I had nothing to worry about. The last thing I felt on Earth was the solid wave of sound, from the throat of a homely swiss woman. I never stood a chance.

When I woke up in Equestria, my ears were still ringing with the-

“Shut up!” Something struck me across the face. “I can hear your thoughts, and that’s getting seriously annoying!”

My eyes snapped open. I was in a room surrounded by colorful horses.

“We’re ponies genius.” The one who hit me, the purple one, spoke at me again. “I know you have ponies on your planet.”

The way her face moved was so cute, totally taking the air from her harsh tone.

“You think that’s funny?” The purple one snapped. “How would you like it if I came you your planet and called you an ape, huh? Would you think that’s funny?”

Uh-Oh. She’s mad at me. This colorful pastel horse clearly has some authority around here. I would do best, as a representative of my species, to be on her good side.

“I asked you a question.” The purple one jerked my choulders so I was facing her. “Do you think that’s funny, huh?”

“Nien.” I answered. Why do I think in English if I only speak German?

“Ugh! The only thing worse than a human is a human who comes to my country and refuses to learn the language!” The purple one huffed. “Lock him in the tower, we’ll deport him tomorrow.”

A blue and a yellow pegasus escort me to my prison. The yellow one talked to me on the way there.

“If you find a job you might be able to secure a work visa before you get deported. Or you could get married. Both of those are difficult, since you’re going to be locked in a tower, but I wish you luck anyway.”

“Helfen Sie mir, Frou Pferd?” I asked.

“Uh… yeah.” The ponies left me alone.

I looked out of my prison tower window, into the sleeping village below. Such a perfect world, free of the terrors of earth, unlikely to ever be terrorised by yodelling.

Maybe I shouldn’t go back! Maybe I could spend the rest of my life here and harmony with these oddly colored horses!

“Ok, time for your deportation!”

It was tomorrow already? Time flies so fast when you don’t think anything irrelevant to the plot!

It was only the purple and yellow horse. the yellow one had a book tucked under her wing.

“Um, would mind terribly if I performed your last right out of the Book of the Door Revised Edition? Somepony borrowed my original copy and never gave it back.” The yellow one asked.

“Ich bin katholisch. Haben sie pferd bibel?” I asked.

“For the last time, we’re ponies!” The purple raged. “Skip the last right, straight to the deportation!”

Oops, she teleported me into a volcano. I melted alive in the magma, yearning for a free and carefree life as a horse.

The Fallout Character

War. War never changes.

But ponies wouldn’t really know that since their society has been untouched by conflict since its very inception 1500 years ago. At worst they suffered minor annoyance at the hands of vengeful magical spirits who are duly banished by the immortal god-protectors of ponykind. If you were to ask a pony if war changed, they would answer with a very noncommittal “Yeah maybe, I guess.”

But there is someone who knows. He knows war changes.

Oh is it a he? It could very well be a she, or a trans, or a poly-gendered mutant-kin. We don’t very well know how old, tall, fair, fat, or ethnic this chap/chapette is either. We don’t know how strong, fast, smart, or anything else either. He/she/xe/xhe might be good at guns, talking, punching, prancing, good or evil, and we would be none the wiser. Indeed this entity exists as a nebulous concept. We understand that it might, or might not have done some things which saved the world. We’re pretty sure it knows war never changes.

And there are four of these buggers?!

The scene, a grassy grassland a walk of slightly more than a quarter hour’s distance from the village of: Ponyville. The sun, though it’s owner wondered why the hell she hadn’t killed herself yet, hung lazily in the clear blue sky. Butterflies and bees froliked in the flowers, when they weren’t murdering each other over the limited resource.

Four portal, monstrous manifestations of pure probability, ripped themselves bloodily open, linking Earth and Equestria.

Fresh from the defeat of the Master, the Vault Dweller rolled through his portal. A master of kung-fu, this dangerous sociopath karate chopped his way through ten thousand mutants, all the while misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Dangerously hot from exploding the Enclave at the oil rig, the Chosen One sauntered through her portal. Her first act upon leaving her tribe in Arroyo was to do every single drug in New Reno, and sleep with every man, woman, and slave in Den. This drugged up harlot can talk her way out of every confrontation, and if she can’t her slightly phallic gun can do the talking.

The third portal spat out the proud and noble Lone Wanderer, psychoneurotic jerk face. When his flaming sword isn’t gutting innocent wastelanders, it’s rattling the bars of all the people he’s enslaved. Back-to-back genocide champion, this guy didn’t think it was enough to poison the wasteland with a deadly retrovirus, but was slightly assuaged by the violent and nuclear end of his friends the Brotherhood of Steel.

Out of the fourth and final portal stepped the Courier, stoic, deadly, and intelligent. Courier takes no prisoners with his pew-pew laser guns, and copious amounts of explosions. After deciding that the powers of the Mohave were misguided by their feeble human brains devoid of tesla coils, he lead the robot army of doom to New Vegas, a feat he desired to repeat in Equestria.

“That syringe wasn’t what I thought is was.” The chosen one looked around the colorful landscape.

“A new land to rape and pillage!” The Lone Wanderer cheered. “My mutilated organ collection shall grow ever larger!”

“This place, untouched by nuclear war. Interesting.” The Courior picked a blade of grass and examined it.

“Um, excuse me.” The Vault dweller waved. “Hi, uh, hi there. Do any of you know what road takes me to the Boneyard?”

THEY ARE (dun dun dun) THE FALLOUT PROTAGONISTS.

BY THEIR POWERS COMBINED, PONYKIND WILL-

Wait a sec… Who’s that up on that cloud?

“The hell is this?” Twilight Sparkle, unrepentant bastard, regarded the newcomers with distaste. “More humans? Where do you guys keep coming from?”

“We have come to enslave your species!” The Lone Wanderer announced, pointing menacingly with his sword-thingy.

“But not before we subject them to UPGRADING.” The courier corrected.

“And had promiscuous relations with them!” The Chosen One gleefully contributed.

“Did that horse talk?” The Vault Dweller tried unsuccessfully to rub the hallucination from his eyes.

“Get out! This world is already enslaved, by me!” Twilight yelled back. “Promiscuous relations pending.”

“We’ll fight you for it!” The Lone Wanderer said. “Winner gets to eat the looser!”

“Thats hot.” The Chosen One salivated.

“You’ll need to get through my army of peons first.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You need to earn the right to fight me.”

“Ah, Like a tournament!” The Vault Dweller nodded. “I like the sound of that!”

“Sure whatever.” Twilight said. “Behold my champion!”

“Um hello?” Fluttershy crested the closest hill. “Would you like to hug?”

“WHAA-CHA!” The Vault Dweller roundhouse kicked Futtershy in the neck, sending her head flying over into the Everfree forest.

“Target: Murderized.” The Courier observed.

“And now we destroy the purple one!” The Lone Wanderer lobed a grenade at the cloud-born alicorn. Its timer ran out and it exploded in mid air.

“That was a bit preemptive.” Twilight said. “I haven't even congratulated you on your victory, and that is what obviously precedes the initiation of the next fight. I won’t tolerate procedure breaking.”

“Screw your procedure!” The Lone Wanderer yelled. “Laser dude, laser that horse!”

“I’m a pony.” Twilight corrected. “In point of fact, a pretty pony princess-” She was interrupted by a coursing pulse of red energy. This was followed by several more lasers punching through the cloud.

“Uhm, you’re supposed to be dead now.” The Courior pushed his glasses up and scratched his head.

“Bitch I’m magic.” Twilight said, and sent the three male humans into the sun. They died horribly and in flames.

“I’m tripping so hard.” The Chosen One staggered back through her portal.

The four portals closed unceremoniously, and the meadow was returned to peace. Well, the decapitated body of Fluttershy notwithstanding.

Twilight, from her position on the cloud, saw another portal open on the other side of Ponyville. She grumbled. “I’ll go get another Fluttershy then.”

Author's Note

Why?

Slavery

Trigger Warning: Applejack, innuendo, human, pasta

Twilight lounged casually at the beach on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Or at least what passed as a beach in Ponyville, which amounted to a sprinkling of sand by the reservoir. Twilight wasn’t sure it was actually Saturday either, but she wanted it to be, so it was a saturday. Nopony else got a say in the matter.

“Heya Twilight.” She heard a familiar country pony say.

Twilight cracked an eye open. “Hello Applejack. Who told you to stop bucking apples?”

“Well, I do own the farm, so I can stop whenever I want.” Applejack said.

“Hmm, remind me to change that later.” Twilight eased back into her luxurious lounge chair.

“Uh, sure thang.” Applejack hesisteted before continuing. “You know, I’ve been thinkin-”

“A noble effort. Ponies should think more often.” Twilight interrupted her orange comrade to commend.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been thinkin about this human problem. I wonder if we’re goin about this the right way.”

Twilight cranked her chair back into the sitting position. She willed a pair of sunglasses onto her nose for the express purpose of tilting them down incredulously.

“Are you suggesting, my simple and naive friend, that I’m wrong?”

“Uh, not you in specific.” Applejack sweated. Twilight didn’t react well to perceived slights. “But I was thinkin maybe the slaughter of every human that gets into Equestria is a bad case of groupthink.”

“Listen Applejack, I know you read words like ‘groupthink’, and believe you can rock that in intelligent conversation, but really all that’s going on is I tell ponies who to hate, and they do it.”

“These humans are coming willingly, takin the abuse you heap on them, perform backbreaking and pretty often lethal work for us, leave when their visas expire, and come right back!” Applejack insisted. “Why would they do something like that?”

“Because they are an inferior species, and their tiny brains are overwhelmed by the grace and beauty of the pony form and mind.” Twilight said. “Be serious now. What are they good for except digging massive and pointless holes, and kindling the obtrusively large signal fires I use to talk to Luna?”

“Maybe you could try talkin to one?” Applejack said. “I know ya consider it a cruel form of torture, considerin you saddled Rarity with that job at the rift, but I see they’re just as clever as ponies. They don’t deserve to be horribly burned!”

“I talk to humans all the time!” Twilight countered. “I visit the salt mines every week to tell the humans how stupid they are and how bad their work is. It cheers them right up.”

“This ain’t right! None a this is right at all!” Applejack shook her head. “Alla this needs to stop.”

“I’ll make a bet with you, and if you win I’ll stop enslaving and or burning all the humans i let into Equestria.” Twilight relented.

“Yur on!” Applejack agreed.

“Here.” In a crackle of energy, a human male appeared beside Twilight. “This is Miguel. Isn’t that a nice name? Came up with it myself. He’s yours now.” Twilight shoved the lanky human towards Applejack, and he stumbled at her hooves.

Applejack jumped backwards. “W-What? Twilight I don’t want a human!”

“Too bad! If you can tolerate a human for a month and come back to me and tell me honestly that slavery and horrible death isn’t the right choice, you win. If you kill him, or you discover just how useful having an uncomplaining, totally loyal slave is, I win. Also, please don’t break or sleep with him if you plan on giving him back. Miguel!”

Miguel had quickly scrambled to his feet, standing at rigid attention for Twilight.

“Miguel, Applejack is your new overlord. Got that?”

Avoiding direct eye contact, Miguel nodded slowly.

“See how good of a boy he is? He’ll probably talk for you, if you let him. I won’t even harvest him for organs.” Twilight angled her lounge chair back down. “So long, Applejack!”

“Gosh dang it.” Applejack murmured. She was pretty sure this pale tribe of human didn’t have names like Miguel. “Well come on then. I’ll see if there’s anyplace in the barn with you.”

With a last lingering look at Twilight, Miguel stumbled after her.

Author's Note

Addendum:

Why?

Guy who turns into a Pony

Swiftly and violently, my from door is smashed in.

“Freeze, motherbucker!” A dozen ponies in uniforms flood my humble apartment. I recognized Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie among them.

“Aw hell hide the weed!” I yell. I slowly turn to the officers, a smirk on my face. “Oh wait, I don’t have any. This home intrusion is baseless.”

Rainbow Dash snorts. “Very funny human. Submit yourself to arrest.”

Oh, shinp snap stick stacks, I’ve been found out. But how? I’m just as much of a sociopathic recluse in Equestria as I ever was back home. I’ve got to play it cool.

“What could you narcs possibly want?” I ask. “Last I checked, mountain dew is on the approved list.”

“We’re the secret police!” Pinkie bounces in place eagerly.

“You look just like normal police.” I point out.

“That’s the trick of it.” Rainbow Dash whispers conspiratorially. “Now come with us human, Princess Twilight wants to see you.”

-

About five minutes and thirty seconds later I’m thrown into a plain white room. It’s only occupants are a desk and Twilight Sparkle.

If I still had pants…

Twilight just sits there watching me. Maybe she’ll have mercy on me if I ace this interrogation.

“You wanted to see me, your highness?”

Twilight’s laugh is short.
“Actually it’s just my feeding time.”

Oh god she might not be kidding.

“I’m kidding. Sit down.” Twilight commands.

I sit.

“At the desk idiot!”

I scoot myself up to the table.

Twilight magically conjures some documents so that she can shuffle them as she talks. “You cover your tracks well.”

“Thank you, I guess.”

“Let me tell you, putting a null pointer in your immigration application choked the bureaucracy for weeks.”

“Um, yeah I felt really clever coming up with that one.”

Twilight slams the stack of paper against the desk. “Yeah, maybe you’d have gotten away with it too, if your accomplice didn’t rat you out!”

That god damn two bit magician Trixie turned states!

“Please don’t hurt me.” I whimper.

“I’ve got you dead to rights on the felony charge of being a human.” Twilight didn’t need to speak loudly for her words to overwhelm me. “That already carries a mandatory life sentence and/or death.”

“Life sentence and death?”

“Thats right. We brutally murder kill you, resurrect you to serve your soul shattering sentence, and kill murder you again. Just like Spike.” Twilight confirms. “If I find you’ve broken more laws that sentence will be extended.”

I gulp.

“How many ponies have you spoken to?” Twilight demands.

“Just Trixie and my grocer.”

“Liar!” Twilight pounds on the desk. “I know for a fact you’ve also spoken to Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and me!”

She had me there.

“Illegal communication with a pony is twenty lashes.” Twilight growls. “How many ponies have you touched since you’ve been in Equestria?”

“None I swear!” Of that I was certain. I don’t really like to be touched. “Never even wanted to.”

“Wrong again, human. On the count of physical contact with a pony, for which the penalty is super death, you are guilty of one count.” Twilight smirks. “Your own pony body, human.”

God damn it. Touching myself has delivered me to my grave, just like momma said.

“In my defense I’m pretty hot as a pony.” I laugh weakly.

“Yes.” Twilight nods. “Yes you are.”

She teleports me into the the upper atmosphere. As I plummet uncontrollably to the ground, I start to see the hubris of thinking being a unicorn would be best, over the noble and flight enabled pegasus. Earth ponies still suck though. I burn up on reentry. As a last act of revenge, my ashy remains float to the ground where they cause mild nasal irritation.

Author's Note

Pourquoi?

A really pretty Guy who get all the girl.

Twilight was up in the highest tower of Ponyville castle, gazing impetuously on the land below. It was her weekly ritual for letting the universe how much she hated it for spawning something as perfect as herself into such a dirty, imperfect peasant world.

“Um, Twilight?” A meek voice said.

Twilight almost forgot to stop her impetuous gazing, lest she sear away Fluttershy’s flesh with it’s sheer intensity.

“Hello Fluttershy. Shouldn’t you be in the creepy dungeon, giving the last rights to the 12:30 execution?”

“Um, yes, but I wanted to talk to you about him first.” Fluttershy whispered.

Twilight ramblingly ignored her. “A salt miner, if I recall correctly. He’s down for ‘burned at the stake for heresy’. Kinda weird. I don’t recall why I decided on that sentence. Because if he actually spoke some blasphemy, he’d sentenced for talking to a pony. If he wrote some blasphemy, the shift forpony would have just whipped him since she can’t read.”

“I just thought, um, that you might want to see him.” Fluttershy dug at the floor nervously. “You know, um, before the righteous pyre disfigures him.”

The idea resounded strongly in Twilight’s mind. She supposed she could take a break from hating the world to hate a specific individual in it. “Eh, why not.”

The two of them wound their way through the castle into the dungeon. They passed only a couple dozen of the clammy cells, since the humans were moved closer to the stair the closer their date with the headspony came.

They stopped in front of the cell in question.

“Hey, you!” Twilight rattled the bars. “Look at me so I can ridicule you!”

Very slowly, the emaciated convict lifted his face to pair of mares looking in at him.

Twilight’s breath was taken away. She remembered now why this human was guilty of blasphemy, for his was perhaps the only face in all of creation that could rival her own for sheer perfection. Not too masculine, not to feminine, sharp features that defied his shimmering eyes and, most importantly, perfectly symmetrical visage.

“Twilight, you shouldn’t kill him.” Fluttershy pleaded. “Let me take care of him, or put him in the zoo, but please don’t kill him!”

“I can’t deny a certain allure.” The longer Twilight stared the longer Twilight believed she looked into the face of a god. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe he deserves mercy.” Then she remembered she hated the gods. “Well as much of a hot mess he is now, he’ll be much hotter on the pyre.”

“Twilight please!” Fluttershy’s legs buckled, and she was reduced to crying at Twilight’s hooves. “He’s just so beautiful!”

“Yeah, and I’ll save his face besides my mantle, right beside Trixie’s horn and my Gilda wall hanging.” She turned back to the prisoner. “I’ll send somepony by to get it. Can’t having it getting messed up in the horrible all-consuming fire your life is about to become!”

The prisoner hung his head again, Fluttershy’s tears his only companion now. Twilight cantered jovially off, satisfied she’d hit the divine realm hard enough for one day to skip impetuous gazing and get icecream.

Author's Note

Why?

Something Offensive

Spike was sitting in his room, doing his math homework, when a familiar nauseated feeling came over him. He quickly turned away from his homework to keep from burning it, when a gout of fire escaped his lips and dropped a scroll in his hands.

It was addressed from Rarity to Twilight, so the little dragon jumped of his chair and out of his room. it was late afternoon, so Twilight was either in the dining hall or in the tower throwing peach pits at happy couples.

The truth ended up being somewhere between, as Spike caught up to his mother/sister/overlord/god in the halls.

“What’s up Spike?” Twilght asked. cradling a dozen freshly acquired peach pits in her magic.

“A letter from Rarity, marked urgent.” Spike said, holding out the scroll.

“Just real out the important parts.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Let’s see then....” Spike cleared his throat. “She says there’s a human who keeps her company at the rift while she’s working, and they have sort of become friends.”

“Eyuck,” Twilight gagged. “It’s too bad I can’t sentence him for that. I wouldn’t wish friendship with a human on my worst enemy. Not even a pony so annoying as Rarity.”

“She continues, talking a bit about how they talked about what’s important in life…” Spike skipped down the letter. “Some stuff about sin… Pleasure…” Spike squinted. “It gets a little messy at this part, but she says stuff about happiness with others… Something about harem.”

Twilight froze. “Did you just say harem?”

“Well Rarity says that this human convinced her adopt his point of view, and now she wants to talk to you about harem.”

“I should have known!” Twilight dropped all the peach pits in her fretfulness. “I should have know the corrupting wiles of Earth would be too much for Rarity! Oh, gods above, now she’s a slave to the perversity and lewd obscenity of humans!” Twilight fell to her hooves shouting into the night. “Please forgive me Rarity, I never meant for this to happen!”

Spike was nonplussed. “Uh, she says she’ll be back soon to talk to you.”

That startled Twilight out of her lamentations. “What? She’s not leaving Equestria forever?”

“Apparently not.” Spike quipped.

In a flash of energy, Twilight summoned Rarity to their spot in the hall. After a moment of disorientation, Rarity affixed her sights on Twilight. She had the look of a pony who discovered something so exciting she couldn’t wait to tell everypony she met.

“Oh Twilight, I have the most amazing news! I’m converting to Islam.”

One blink. Two blinks. Three blinks. Twilight teleported Rarity way before the fourth blink. She gingerly took Rarity’s letter from Spike’s hooves and gave it a look of her own.

“Spike, that says ‘haram’, not harem.”

“Oh. Ok.” Spike rubbed his wrists in embarrassment. “Is that better?”

“It depends on your opinions I suppose.” Twilight sighed. "I for one find Rarity’s blatant cultural appropriation loathsome. This human she was talking to must be punished for propagating this oppression.”

“Wait a second… Who’s being oppressed.” Spike was genuinely confused.

“The islam people!” Twilight barked. “I don’t have time to explain it to you!”

“You don’t have authority in the human world though.” Spike pointed out. “The human princesses tolerate our shameless genocide only because we keep it on our side of the rift, and maybe because it’s only the weirdos who cross over to us.”

“Yeah, well, while you were talking I teleported him into a pizza oven. There’ll be no more oppression on my watch!” Twilight announced triumphantly.

“Oh. Ok.” Spike sighed. “Er… Twilight, can you help me with my math homework.”

Twilight groaned, picking the peach pits back up. “Honestly Spike, if you can’t do differential calculus I’d really wonder at the ponies who say dragons are smarter than humans.”

“That’s a no then?” Spike asked defeatedly.

“Ask Rarity. I’m pretty sure her people invented math or something.” Twilight trotted away, eventually making her way to the tower where she personally granted five concussions to her loyal subjects by way of peach pit.

Author's Note

لماذا ا؟

Hyperdimensional Vampire Caw!

“Woah, hold the phone Becky. That was so not the door to the bathroom.”

I spin around in awe as I take in my surroundings. It’s slightly difficult since I’m in what seems to be a broom cupboard, but it’s an awe inspiring broom cupboard.
And that is because It was made out of a distinctive blue crystal.

“Holy shit! I’m Twilight Sparkle’s utility closet!”

“wha-” I hear a muffled yell from somewhere distant. The sound of hooves on stone and mumbled swears get louder. “another mother-bucking human’s gotten in my pantry I swear to god I’m gunna punt his buckin teeth in through his”
The cupboard door is ripped open and I spill out along with a half-dozen brooms.

I’m on my back among the dustpans, looking up into the irate eyes of purple pony princess Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOD!” I shriek in exultation. “Twiiiiiilight! I’m your biggest fan!”

She stares at me in terse silence for several seconds. “oh no”

“ohmygosh ohmygosh OHmyGOSH, I can’t believe I finally get to meet you!” I leap to my feet so I can immediately begin jumping up and down. “I heard about the portals but they were always, like, a couple states away and I never had enough gas money and even then I was like, eh, passports are expensive and-” I gulp for breath. “I’m HEEEERE! In Equestria!!”

Twilight’s expression has now become utterly unreadable. “I suppose it was inevitable that a female of your species would eventually get in. I hoped, vainly it seems now, that I would want to do anything other than tear my own ears off upon hearing you speak.”

“I, like, seriously can’t believe this is happening.” I’m jumping so much I’m overheating. But I can’t spare one moment. “Okay okay okay.”

Twilight is starting to frown. “please stop

I stop bouncing. Of course! She’d want to know everything about me, her biggest fan EVAR!

“You’re probably wondering why-”

“I’m really not.”

“-I’m dressed like this-”

“it’s obviously a costume.”

“I was like, at a con, and I wanted to go as a super-destiny sorcery girl, but also as a maudlin vampire, but not as slutty as last year because last year I got preggers and that was so lame but I named the baby SUNSHINE BLOSSOMS and oh my gooood, he’s going to be the cutest little gentlecolt at school-”

Twilight was staring into space. “Every day we stray further from god’s light.”

“so as a compromise I went as a vampire sailor scout, but also as a crow holding a knife, like, have you seen those pictures of birds and stuff holding knives? It’s so cool! But I lost the knife I think, so I’m just a vampire sailor scout, but also one who's totally not cool with nonconsensual sex.”
I’m getting so hot I’m fanning myself, but I just can’t stop talking! What if Twilight doesn’t hear everything lol?

“did you just- did you just think ‘lol’.” Twilight is whisper quiet.

“-and you’ll never guess who I shipped you with. RARITY! Because she’s searching for a prince but you’re a princess, and like what’s the difference lmao! And also with Rainbow Dash, because she’s fast, and you’re a princess, and like what’s the difference lmao! Also Luna because she’s a princess, and you’re a princess, and opposites attract! Do you believe love can bloom on the battlefield? Would you do it with Spike? I mean, just asking lol!”

Twilight is trying to stuff me back in the broom cupboard.

“My best friend thinks you’re a marxist, but I’ve always had you down as a utopian anarchist. Do you think Lenin was onto something with national delimitation, or are ethnic divides just constructions of the bourgeoisie? What’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Lemme guess…” My brain has started to melt. “STIGMATA!”

~~

Twilight is left alone at the pantry, regarding the corpse of an androgynously gendered human in a tutu. “I see now why the males keep trying to escape into Equestria.”

Author's Note

Why?

Cast this Spell to Die Instantly.

“Starlight! Starlight?” Twilight Sparkle’s voice echoed through the halls of her castle.

“I’m in the kitchen!” Starlight called back.

Twilight trotted into the kitchen a moment later. Starlight Glimmer was at the table eating cereal.

“What’s up?” Starlight asked.

“It’s about this.” Twilight lifted up piece of paper in her magic. “Do you know anything about it?” She levitated it over to Starlight.

Starlight took the scrap of paper in her magic and read over it. “ ‘Cast this spell to die instantly.’ Huh. And there’s a picture of Princess Celestia holding a cute dog under the text.”

“Weird, isn’t it?” Twilight trotted around to Starlight’s side. “I have no idea what it could mean!”

“I guess, in a certain way, it means ‘cast this spell to die instantly’.” Starlight scratched her chin. “The truth of the unspoken assertion it’s making, that casting the spell will make you die instantly, is less clear.”

“And the picture.” Twilight jabbed the paper with her hoof. “I mean, it’s just Celestia holding a small dog. Schnauzer, I think? But I mean, it’s not connected to the words in any way! It’s not a very interesting picture either. It’s not compellingly composed, or bizarrely lit, or even sexy at all. It’s so normal I’m weirded out.”

“I didn’t know Princess Celestia had a dog.” Starlight mused.

“It’s so mysterious. What would compel someone to make this?” Twilight scrunched her nose in frustration. “I just don’t get it.”

Starlight nodded in agreement. “Where did it come from?”

“It’s a long story.” Twilight sighed. She pulled out the seat next to Starlight and plopped herself on it. “It all started this morning. I woke up, did my morning routine, and realize I had a lot of work to do.”

“Uh huh.”

“So I went into my study.”

“I’m with you so far.”

“And I sat at my desk.”

“As you do.”

“And there, sitting on my desk, was this piece of paper!” Twilight said in ominous tones. “But if it’s a message, I just don’t get it.”

“Yes, you said that.”

Twilight shook her head. “What am I going to do Starlight?”

“Throw it away?”

“I could do that...” Twilight wiggled in her chair as she thought.

“Did you try casting it?”

“Casting what?”

“The spell.”

Twilight blinked. “There is no spell. It’s just a piece of paper. There’s absolutely no magic or abnormal physical properties to it.”

“Huh.” Starlight closed one eye, then the other. She probed the paper with her magic. She looked at it up close, then from far. “Yup. It’s normal.”

“The ‘this spell’ to which it is refering could be anything! It’s got me so nervous. What if I cast the spell accidentally? I don’t want to die instantly, Starlight. It’s just not my style.” Twilight wrang her hooves. “The more I think about it, the more it confuses me. I just don’t get it.”

“Maybe this was originally the warning label on a tin of instant death spells.” Starlight proposed.

“But why is the picture there?”

“Gosh Twilight, I don’t know.” Starlight said tensely, catching some of Twilight’s nervous energy. “Hold up. Sensei, is there a spell called ‘this spell’ ?”

Twilight quirked a brow. “Err, not that I know of.”

Starlight put the piece of paper down and slid it across the table to Twilight. “I’ll look more into this after I finish breakfast.”

“Alight.” Twilight frowned slightly. “Oh, I interrupted your meal, didn’t I?”

“Uh huh.”Starlight said, popping a spoonful of cereal in her mouth.

“I’ll just… I’ll just leave you alone then.” Twilight got up and shuffled out of the room.

Two hours later.

“At last.” Starlight said in triumph. She stood over an old spell tome containing thousands of ancient spells. On one of the last page, etched into the page with ancient ink, was the vaunted ‘this spell’.
“Here we go Starlight. This is going to be your biggest challenge yet.” The unicorn whispered to herself in reassurance. “But you can do it.”

She cast ‘this spell’.

She didn’t die instantly.

“Oh… That’s really disappointing.” The edges of Starlight’s mouth drooped. She kicked the book closed, revealing it’s title, The Big Book of Instant Death Spells.

Twilight Sparkle peered over her shoulder. “Yeah, instant death spells as a field really died out in the second century. The later works just didn’t live up to the precision and artistry of the early works.”

“I’m actually depressed.” Starlight said quietly.

“Oh that’s easily fixable.” Twilight said with a big smile. She pulled a book off the shelf. “This opus has been doing wonders for keeping my mind off some particularly strange things I just can’t understand.” She twitched, passing The Big Book of Mind Alteration Spells to Starlight. “Don’t kill yourself. You’re a great pony who deserves happiness.” Twilight blew her student a kiss, then trotted stiffly out of the room.

Author's Note

Why?
You, reader, are a great pony who deserves happiness

Ponies: HAPPY ENERGY

Athors nose: messengering (which is like internet text which is like emil) said me I was writing story called Ponies: Happy Energy and unknown cause where from but I decide to write anyway.

CHAPTER ONE: WHERE SHE IS

Twilight Sparcle was studdying and her is was studdying in her suddying libraritory. Fellow ponies co-friendly Rarity said Twilight Sparcle what are you studdying on

UI have discovered new magic but it is so volatile it does not elment of harmony but elment of darmony so we must be agery with ponies to use

Juts then a chengeling went at Rarity face OH NO WHERE DID CHENGELING COME FROM Sparcle said and wents to use her magic ut magic not use so had to borrow a claymore sword

She hits the chengeling and Rarity okay but her head was cut WHAT WERE YOU SWING AT ME just kidding thanks HA HA they laughed

WAIT OH NO where did elment of darmony ULT HAS BEEN STOLED

CHAPER TEO: THEY REVOVER THE ELMEMT BUT THEY DONT

Twilight and RARITY arive at dhe chengleng scene but bady pony from the show said I HAVE TAKE THE ELEMENT AND IT WILL CAUSE DEVISTATED

NO! NOT ALL OF MONTANA which was target of where they were and it was nice place and my step-mom fr there

If you do not agfree to my demands TOO LATE and the elment had become damonic and the room was slowly become vaporize :(

OU MUST ESCAPE OUT OF HERE FASTLY but Rarty was already SMOTHINIZED

CHAPTER THREE: DESTRAUCTON IS IMMINANT

This is twilight sparcle how do he contain thw DEVISTATED? I KNOW so he used teleport to teleport enemy headquarters into teleport and montanta wult devistated and only go out halmess in the altantic ocean

Hooray I suceeded at playing the objective NOT SO FAST PRINCESS SPARCLE

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT you decide in comment

Please my my book on at amazon i need it to buy so i can move thanks :)

Author's Note

I'm not really sure why I've done this.

Anon at the Gates

"Once upon a time...

It’s a beautiful day in Equestria
You wouldn’t know because you’re a plebeian human
But that will change soon
You heard there is a portal between earth and equestria
You drive there in your Bogdan Lada 110
Border Control
Hopefully the ponies don’t have your police record
Twelve counts of indecent exposure
You’re in line at border control
The last barrier between you and ponies
Most of the fat neckbeards in front of you are getting turned away
What if they turn you away too?
Your palms get sweaty
The path clears away
You can see the portal ahead of you
”Ahem”
The pony in the border control kiosk calls to you
It’s Rarity
She has to stand on a stool to be able to look out the window
”Next, please”
You step forward stammering
”Uh… uh… uh… Hi!”
”Do you have a visa?”
Rarity is dispassionate
”Uh, no… I uh, I’m-”
You’ve been foiled by the fascist Equestrian regime
”Well, I’m authorized to issue one time work visas.”
You knew there was a reason Rarity was best pony
You’d probably be doing backbreaking labor, but at least you’d get to see equestria
”Yes! Yes! Yes!”
You’re jumping for joy
”Do you have your passport?”
God damn it
”Uh… no.”
Rarity arches an eyebrow
”It won’t matter much anyway.”
She pushes a piece of paper under the glass with her magic
”Have a nice day. Next, please.”
You read the paper as you approach the portal
’Job: Kindling. Starts: Immediately.’
Confused, you walk into the portal
You’re teleported directly into the fuel chute of a massive boiler
You die in agonizing pain
Princess Twilight’s castle has to get hot water somehow.

And that's why the castle smells like burning hair today."

Author's Note

W
H
Y
?