Oh, Here's That One Pesky Chapter!
“But Princess Celestia, I don’t NEED a bodyguard!”
“First of all, Twilight,” Celestia said, smiling calmly at her glaring student, “just call me Celestia. We’re both princesses after all.
“Secondly, I suppose I should have phrased that better. He’s not your bodyguard, he’s just a guard.”
“Just a…?” Twilight said, frowning. “What’s the difference?”
“Well, he won’t be following you around, for starters.” Celestia elaborated. “He’ll just be stationed at the entrance to your libr-erm, castle, in Ponyville. Really, you won’t even have to look at him if you don’t want to. He’s just for added protection.”
“Protection from what?!” Twilight cried. “Princess, Ponyville is the most peaceful, safe place I know!”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You mean besides the ursa minor, Cerberus, the timberwolves, the hydra, the Everfree forest in general… not to mention, you’ve had seven changling assassination attempts on you in the last month alone.”
“Eight. One was hiding in my refrigerator this morning. Forgot to tell you.” Twilight added. Then she shook her head. “But what could one guard do against all of those monsters?!” Twilight cried.
“Believe me, Twilight, my solar guards are very capable. They’re trained in hoof-to-hoof martial arts, judo, karate, and all other things. Not to mention, he isn’t unarmed.”
“Princess…” Twilight said, her eyes half closed. “You really think that a princess who can nuke half an entire town with her horn needs some guy with martial arts to protect her?”
“Oh, he’s not going to be protecting YOU, Twilight. He’s going to be protecting your castle.” Celestia said. “You know… the one with all of those thousands of rare, valuable books which you’ve spend months restocking and reorganizing?”
Twilight’s eye twitched.
Celestia could barely hide her light grin as she continued. “Why, it would be such a shame if someone were to wander in and shuffle all the books around… I mean, it would take a long time to reorganize-“
“I suppose…” Twilight interrupted, her voice a touch nervous. “I suppose having ONE guard couldn’t hurt… as long as he stays at the castle.”
“You have my promise.” Celestia said, nodding.
“Very well, then. Send him… as quickly as possible, please.” Twilight said. “I would really like the added protection for the boo- for my castle, as soon as I could get it.” She smiled widely.
“He will be there tomorrow.” Celestia said, nodding.
“Thank you. Now if you don’t mind, I have some boo-friends! I have some friends to check on!” Twilight said, a drop of sweat streaming down her face. Then she zipped around and flew out of the room at top speed.
“Appealing to her OCD and paranoia to get her to accept. Clever.” Luna said, who had been watching off to the side for a time now.
“You need to be manipulative to get those big trade deals through, Lu-lu.” Celestia said, giving her a sidelong grin.
“I must ask, though – couldn’t Twilight just set up a force field or something around her castle while she’s gone?” Luna asked.
“Well, I have no doubt that she could, but she never thought of that, did she?” Celestia said, raising an eyebrow. “Besides, Lu-lu… this will be as much for the guard’s good as it will be for Twilight.”
“Huh?” Luna said, confused. Celestia smiled, and began to tell her sister of her plot.
XXXXXXXX
Don’t move. Don’t blink. Don’t react.
Those were the three things they had taught us in guard school.
I made sure to stick to that mantra as best I could, as I stood there.
In reality, it was very peaceful. The earthy smell of the grass was soothing, and the view of the quaint little town wasn’t bad either.
Still, “peaceful” is quite good friends with “boring”. As such, when I stood in this spot for incredibly long stretches of time, not moving a muscle, I couldn’t help but become bored.
I never showed it, though. I stayed stiff and still as a rock.
“Aegis?” A soft voice called my name, and I whipped my head to the side. Princess Twilight stood in the doorway of her castle, peering at me.
I inhaled only a touch sharper than normal. This was the closest I had ever been to a princess; she couldn’t have been two feet away. I could see the sparkles of the sun reflecting in her eyes.
As opposed to her, I probably looked a mess: a grey stallion, who was sweating from the armor weighing him down, and strands of a messy black mane poking out from under his helmet.
“Aegis? You okay?” Twilight asked, tilting her head. “You’ve spent the last two days out here. You’ve had something to eat, right? I mean, aren’t you hungry?”
“Ma’am,” I stated, “Royal guards are trained to survive up to two weeks on an empty stomach, and can go over 48 hours without water. I have my water right here…” I nodded to a canteen on my side. “…and so I’m fine. Really, don’t worry about me. That’s my job: to worry about YOU.”
“Well...” Princess Twilight stated. “All right… but if you get hungry, just let me know, all right?”
I gave her a stiff nod, before snapping my head back to its original position. I heard a light sigh from beside me, as the massive castle door closed softly.
I couldn’t help but marvel at the way she controlled that door so perfectly with her magic. She may have taken it for granted, but as an earth pony, I was restricted to pushing the door closed with the top of my skull.
There were many earth ponies who were jealous of the other two races; the pegasi and their ability to soar without a care in the world, the unicorns who had the ability to manipulate nearly anything with ease. I was not one of those jealous ponies. I realized that I could not change what I had been given, and so I worked with what I had: my earth pony strength and stamina.
Even as a teenager, I did push-ups and lifted weights, increasing my already considerable Earth Pony stamina. I was even further empowered by the Royal Guard Academy, where I trained until I was at the top of my class. Not the very top of my class – I was actually #5, but still, not too shabby for a class of 500.
That was two years ago. Ever since then, I’d been standing still in one place or another: In front of Canterlot castle, in front of the Princesses’ throne room, around the city of Canterlot in general. I even guarded the Crystal Empire castle for a while.
That wasn’t all I’d done, though: on occasion, I did actually get a mission: mostly just calls to take out manticore infestations, or deal with a stray pack of Timberwolves. I’ll never forget that one mission over in the suburbs of Detrot…
I was snapped out of my remnicising when I saw a figure on the horizon. Instantly, I analyzed the approaching threat in my mind. A Pegasus. Rainbow colored mane. Blue coat. I ran through the briefing I’d been given in my head: This pony fit the profile of one of Twilight’s friends, Rainbow Dash. Unrestricted access. In other words, she wasn’t subject to search, as most ponies in the town were.
Determining there was no threat, I continued looking forward, not interacting with the Pegasus overhead. However…
“Yo!”
I stared resolutely forward, not looking up at Rainbow Dash. First rule of royal guard school: never interact with the green-listed civilians unless they were either an immediate threat, or in serious danger.
“Hey! I’m talkin’ to ya!” Rainbow yelled from overhead. I didn’t so much as twitch.
There was a sudden whoosh, and I suddenly found myself nose-to-nose with Rainbow Dash. Again, I didn’t react, even though she was giving me a glare.
“Hey, you did not just snub Rainbow Dash, the greatest flyer in Ponyville!” Rainbow said, poking me between the eyes. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her pridefulness.
Then a crafty grin slithered onto Rainbow’s face. “Oh, you’re one of them royal guards, ain’tcha.” She said, grinning. “Okay, I’ve practiced a couple new tricks to try on you guys. You’re going to react to me one way or the other!”
Oh, great. One of these ponies. I hated tourists: the ones who would put their foreleg over your shoulder and grin as their wife took a picture. The ones who would snap their fingers in front of your face and try to get you to react. One guy even spat on me.
Rainbow took a deep breath, then began shaking her head so fast that it looked like she was having a seizure. “BLIDDLEBLIDDLEBLIDDLE!” she cried, her cheeks and tongue flapping.
I didn’t react.
Rainbow stopped, and frowned. “You’re lucky I didn’t bring my magic marker, pal, or you’d have a moustache by now.” She said grumpily. Then she rolled her eyes. “Oh well. Hey, Twilight, you home?” She directed the last part upwards, before flying off. I sighed very lightly. Finally.
Still, it seemed almost like she gave up too eas-
“BOO!” Rainbow cried, popping down from above and screaming the word at the top of her lungs.
I know guards who wouldn’t react to that. Unfortunately, they were all more experienced than I was, and so, in contrast, I couldn’t help but blink. It was only a split-second, but Rainbow caught it. “HAH! I knew it!”
She landed next to me and put her foreleg over my shoulder. “Don’t feel bad. Nobody beats the Dash.” She said, and I could feel her smug grin. She paused. “Except for those two other guards.” She added. “Oh well, one out of three ain’t bad, right? That’s, like, sixty percent!” She said.
“Rainbow!” Came Princess Twilight’s voice, making Rainbow jump. “Stop messing around with Aegis and get in here!”
“Aegis? So that’s your name.” She said. “Sweet.” I could hear approval in her voice, and as she walked away, I couldn’t help but feel the tiniest flicker of pride in my heart.
A cute mare liked my name…
XXXXXXXX
Another thing Royal Guards are trained on is to go for very long periods without sleep. Those who were skilled at this were called “24-hour guards”, because it was rumored that they could stay awake for 24 hours straight, no sleep whatsoever.
In reality, 24-hour guards were more like 22-hour guards. Even the most vigilant of guards had to sleep sometime, even if they only slept for about two hours. Even though it’s only two hours, though, those two hours feel downright heavenly.
I was taking my two-hour nap right now. Yet another thing Royal guards had was an internal clock. Mostly a mental thing, we could schedule the clock to wake us up at a very specific time. And so, it was at six A.M. that my biological clock went off, and I slowly opened my eyes…
To find a pair of bright blue eyes directly in front of mine.
I leapt to my hooves, ready to confront my attacker. However, instead of a thug or bandit, a pink earth pony stood in front of me, grinning widely.
“Wow! You’re fast!” She said, straightening up so that she was eye level. “What’s your name?”
I didn’t respond, of course. I recognized this pony as Pinkie Pie - another one of the greenlisted ponies on Twilight's "friends list".
“Ah, I gotcha. You’re on duty, right?” Pinkie said in response to my silence, nodding. Then her eyes brightened even further, and she gasped. “HEY! Why don’t I help you! I mean, I’m a really good guard, except for that one time when I let the MMMM get devoured on a train ride to Canterlot, say, did you come from Canterlot? Man, I love that place, it’s so shiny and fancy, even if the ponies there are snooty snobs who wouldn’t know a good party if it hugged them, hey, speaking of which, do you like parties? Hehe, what am I saying, everyone loves parties! I mean, even my friend Cranky Doodle Donkey likes parties, and he’s a real grumpy-pants! I mean, there was this one time when he and I went to the lake to go fishing…”
Mother of Celestia, I’ve had caffeinated parrots who talked less than this mare.
“…and then he was all grumpy because he was all like ‘Pinkie, why did you hook my toupee into the river?’ And yet I couldn’t stop laughing because of how bald he was, but then I got him a new toupee from Rarity and he was happy again, (gasp) did I tell you about my friend Rarity yet? Oh, well, she’s the prettiest pony in Ponyville, and she makes the best dresses in Equestria, and she loves Earl Grey tea, but never give her green tea, she hates that stuff, blecch! Oh, and speaking of Rarity, I have other friends too, well of course I’m friends with everypony in ponyville, but these ponies are like my super super SUPER favorites! They’re Twilight and Applejack and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and Rarity – oops! I already told you about Rarity! Silly me! I’m so forgetful, like this one time when I forgot…”
Scratch that: she talked more than a caffeinated Princess Luna.
“…And so I burnt the oatmeal, can you believe it?! And yet I was still silly enough to eat the burnt oatmeal, silly Pinkie! And so I ate it and it tasted all BLECCH and the next time someone offered me oatmeal, I was like ‘Oatmeal, are you-‘”
“Pinkie!” Princess Twilight said, having appeared out of nowhere. “Why don’t you go inside.” She said quickly, shoving Pinkie towards the castle.
“All right, bye Aegis! See you later!” Pinkie said, grinning.
“My gosh, are you okay?” Princess Twilight asked. “I’m so sorry, how long has she been ranting at you? Not many ponies can survive a Pinkie rant for more than a few minutes-“
“I’m fine, Princess Twilight.” I stated, still staring straight ahead.
“Well… if you say so.” Princess Twilight said, still looking worried, but she went back inside anyways. It was only then that I realized something:
How did Pinkie know my name?
XXXXXXXX
Day four of my guard duties here at the castle. Princess Twilight still hadn’t decided on a name for it. She was thinking about “castle of magic”, or “castle of friendship”, or something like that.
Of course, I wasn’t thinking about that at the moment. I was busy polishing my armor and weapons, which was fairly easy considering they were one and the same.
An innovation by a certain supergenius princess, this new device (commonly called a battle harness) could actually allow even an earth pony to attack from long range. It mainly consisted of a standard guard harness, but there were also two spears, one on either side, pointing forward. If the pony wearing the armor were to press forward, into the chestplate, one of the spears would be magically propelled forward at speeds of over eighty miles an hour.
While admittedly the armor only fired two shots, and we couldn’t carry any more ammo due to the spears’ size, it typicaly only took one pony-length spear to take down an enemy. In addition, to prevent it from firing every time we brought our head down to pick something up with our teeth, a safety switch was positioned on the underside of the armor, near the barrel. The spears would not fire unless this switch was explicitly flipped.
I stopped geeking out over my weapons when something flickered in the corner of my eye. A butter-colored Pegasus was slowly walking down the road. Quickly, I stood up and flipped the harness on, clipping together the clips and tightening the straps. I faced forward just as the Pegasus arrived.
“Um… hello…” She said quietly. “Um… my name’s Fluttershy and… and I’m here to see Twilight…”
Fluttershy. Another greenlisted pony. I nodded stiffly, and saw a small smile of relief appear on her face. “Oh thank heavens.” She said. “I was worried that you might not, um… let me in.”
She turned to walk through the doors, and it was only then that I noticed something: a glint of steel under her wing.
A knife. The shape unmistakable.
“FREEZE!” I roared as I sprang into action, body-tackling the Pegasus to the ground. She could only squeak in shock as I went into my well-practiced routine. I placed my fetlock over her throat, immobilizing her, as I raised my other leg behind me, and plucked out a pair of extra-strong plastic hoof-cuffs from a hidden compartment in my armor. By the time Fluttershy comprehended what was happening, her hooves were tightly tied together in a hog-tie.
Straightening up, I tapped the gem on the center of my armor. “Princess Twilight.” I stated.
“Aegis?! What’s wrong, why are you using the emergency frequency?” came Princess Twilight’s voice, a little tinny from emanating from my armor.
“I’ve captured an attempted assassin at the front door to your castle. She is currently restrained, and I will proceed to take her into cust-“
“ASSASSIN?!” the princess’s voice cried. “Hang on, I’ll be right down!”
“There’s no need to-“ I started, but Princess Twilight had already cut off the frequency.
“Um, excuse me…” came a quiet whisper from beside me. I turned to see Fluttershy, still on the ground. She was on her back, legs tied up in the air, so that she couldn’t use her wings. “I beg your pardon, but I’m not-“
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” I say, cutting her off. “You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been re-“
The front door to the castle banged open, revealing Princess Twilight. Seeing Fluttershy, her voice went irate. “Is that… what’s the meaning of this?!”
“This.” I stated simply, forcing my hoof under Fluttershy’s wing and pulling out the knife, which gleamed accusingly in the sun’s light. “Obviously an assassination attempt.”
“For your information,” Princess Twilight said, glaring, “That happens to be my knife, which I loaned to Fluttershy last week. She was returning it to me. That’s all. No assassination attempt, no nothing.”
“Um… that’s right…” Fluttershy said quietly.
I paused, the information sinking in. “I… I’m terribly sorry, Princess, for the inconvenience. Sorry to you, too, ma’am.” I added, nodding to Fluttershy.
“Oh, it’s okay… I don’t mind… it’s no trouble…” Fluttershy mumbled.
“You have the right to request a different guard, Princess Twilight. One more… competent.” I stated, hanging my head in shame.
I heard the princess walk forward, and saw her hoof taking my chin, lifting it up so I was looking at her again. “Don’t worry about it. It was just a big misunderstanding, no sweat.” She said, smiling.
“…thank you, Princess.” I stated, my face still impassive.
“Oh, just call me Twilight. I mean, you’re going to be here for a while.” Princess Twilight said, smiling. “Now c’mon, help me get Fluttershy out of these binds.”
“Yeah… these kind of chafe…” Fluttershy said quietly. “I mean… I don’t mean to complain…”
“Yes, Princess.” I stated, and as we went over to untie Fluttershy, a tiny smile flickered across my lips. The Princess was very kind.
XXXXXXXX
Fifth day. Same old stuff. I stood stock still, not moving a muscle, as another pony approached me.
“Howdy, pard’ner!” said the mare, who I recognized as Twilight’s friend Applejack. “My, yer tall as an oak tree, aint’cha.” She stated.
I didn’t respond.
“Oh, don’t be like that, sugarcube!” Applejack said, undeterred. “C’mon, let’s mess around a bit. Go to town, get some grub. I make a mean apple cobbler.”
I stood stock-still, my face not betraying how hungry I really was. In reality, I was planning to go a few more days without food. My stomach, however, didn’t agree with my plan, and protested by growling loudly.
Applejack chuckled. “Cripes, either you ate a wolverine, or you’re really hungry.” She said, smiling. “Here, I have a little something for just such an occasion.” She raised her hat, and plucked an apple off of her head. “Eat it. C’mon, now.” She insisted, shoving the apple in my face.
I determinedly didn’t look at the apple, though it took some serious willpower. It smelled delicious…
“C’mon. you can eat it. Just firmly grasp it with your teeth, and bite into it.” Applejack said, pressing the apple to my lips. I didn’t open up, though, and it fell to the ground. Applejack frowned, picking up the apple again. “Firmly grasp it.” She stated, pressing the apple to my lips more forcefully. Again, the apple fell to the grass below.
Applejack pushed her hat up, her face determined. She picked up the apple once more. “firmly GRASP it!” She cried, shoving the mouth towards my face with all her might.
I staggered backwards as a sharp, stabbing pain burst in my mouth. Applejack gasped, dropping the apple. “Oh my gosh, are you alright?! I’m so sorry, I don’t know my own…” she trailed off as I opened my mouth and ran my tongue over my front teeth. I felt another spike of pain as it went over a tooth that was chipped from the hard apple ramming against it.
“Assaulting a royal guard is a felony.” I stated, glaring. For the second time in two days, I launched myself at a mare. This one, though, was more prepared, and dodged to the side. I fell to the ground, but got right back up and sprinted after her.
“Woah nelly! TWILIGH’! TWILIGH’ HELP ME! YOUR GUARD DOG’S ON A RAMPAGE!” Applejack hollered, running away from me at top speed.
“What is going ON down he-“ Princess Twilight said, before seeing me chasing Applejack. “What?! All right, time out!” She cried, and I felt my limbs freeze. Immobilized with magic, the two of us levitated over to Princess Twilight.
“This mare assaulted me!” I said immediately.
“Assaulted?! I was offering you an apple!” she stated indignantly.
“Yeah, by punching it into my face and chipping my friggin’ tooth!” I cried at her, losing my temper a little.
“What? Applejack, how could you?!” Princess Twilight said, glaring at Applejack.
Applejack paused, then sighed. “Gosh, Twi, I’m real sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“It’s not me you should be apologizing to.” Princess Twilight said flatly.
Applejack looked at me, blushing. “Um… sorry.” She said. A little magical shake from Princess Twilight, and she quickly added, “really, really sorry. Serious-like.”
I paused. “Considering that you only had good intentions, I guess I won’t press charges.” I stated finally.
PrincessTwilight nodded, pleased, and released the both of us from her magical grasp. I walked back to my post and resumed position, ignoring the stabbing pain in my chipped tooth.
“Oh no you don’t, mister. Open up that mouth, that’s an order.” Princess Twilight said, walking over to me. I opened my mouth, and she looked inside. “Oh, that’s easy.” She said. Her horn glowed, and I felt a tingle in my mouth. When it stopped, I ran my tongue over my chipped tooth – or rather, once-chipped tooth. It was back to normal; I couldn’t even tell it had ever been injured.
“Thank you very much, Princess.” I stated, nodding my appreciation.
Princess Twilight smiled. “Really, just call me Twilight.”
“Yes, Princess.”
She rolled her eyes. “All right, all right.” She said. “C’mon, AJ, let’s go inside.”
Princess Twilight walked back into the castle. Applejack started to follow her, but stopped. She reached down, and picked up the apple that had started this whole mess. She placed it so that it was balanced on top of my snout. “I’ll just leave this here. Go to town, pard’.” She said, winking as she followed Princess Twilight inside.
I waited until I heard the door close.
I looked left.
I looked right.
And then I began to devour the apple. It was one of the best things I had ever tasted.
XXXXXXXX
Day six of my standing-still adventure. It was about this time that the grass under my hooves began to wilt from being shielded from sunlight all the time, but this grass continued to be green. This was truly a fertile land, with hardy plants and hardier ponies.
Speaking of ponies, another visitor came trotting down the dirt road. Her mane was luscious and purple and her coat a sparkling white. Must be Rarity, the fifth and final greenlisted pony. I noted she had a pair of saddlebags over her shoulders.
“Why, you must be Aegis. Pinkie’s told me all about you.” Rarity said, stopping in front of me. “Is it true that you tried to arrest Fluttershy?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
I gave her my usual response; that is to say, complete silence.
“Ah, yes. I understand. You’re on duty.” Rarity said, sauntering up next to me. “You know, I’ve always loved a man in uniform.” She said in a rather sultry voice.
I didn’t react, but she still giggled. “You’re blushing, darling.” She said, smiling. “That red shade goes nicely with your coat, by the way.”
I still didn’t respond, even as Rarity tapped my armor. “My goodness, is this stuff what you wear day in and day out?” She sniffed. “Must be.” She said simply. “ugh, it’s all smudgy… I will not stand for this!”
I heard her magic activate, and before I knew it, she was spritzing my armor… while it was still on my body. “Nothing a good polish won’t fix, though!” Rarity continued. “You’re lucky I brought my cleaning supplies in my saddlebags to help Twilight tidy up her castle.”
I stayed rock-still as I listened to the rhythmic squeaking of a spray bottle, and the other rhythmic squeaking of a cloth wiping over my armor. After a few minutes of this, she levitated her equipment higher, and began to clean my helmet… again, while it was still on my head.
“There we are, darling! Spick and span!” Rarity finally proclaimed. It felt like an eternity, though in reality it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes. She walked in front of me, and levitated a small vanity mirror from her saddlebags. “What do you think?” She said, holding it up in front of me.
Though the mirror was small, I could see my armor clearly. Though my face remained impassive, I was internally stunned. My armor looked like new; it looked like it had when I first got it. Heck, even the spear tips were polished so that they gleamed impeccably. This unicorn was good, very good.
I couldn’t help but nod my appreciation. “I suppose that’s all the reaction I’ll get out of you?” Rarity asked. When I didn’t respond, she giggled, a light, airy sound, like the tinkling of wind chimes. “All right, darling, I’ll get out of your mane.” She said, walking off to the door of the castle.
I heard the door begin to open, then a pause. I heard Rarity trot back over to me, and to my everlasting shock, I felt her peck me on the cheek. “You really are very strapping in that armor of yours.” She said as she trotted off into the castle.
I stood, paralyzed, though this time it wasn’t from discipline. When my brain re-solidified, I went back to guard duty, but I could still feel her lips, like a lightning strike on my cheek.
It was only when I settled down for that night’s two hours of sleep that I discovered a neatly slip of paper in one of the cracks of my armor. Opening it (quite an ordeal with my clumsy earth pony hooves), I saw the paper held an address, presumably of miss Rarity herself.
Well, now I knew what I was going to do on my next monthly day off...
XXXXXXXX
The eve of the seventh day. I stand vigilantly, reflecting.
Today had been much busier than the rest of the week had been. Continually, Twilight and all of her friends had made trips into the castle, bringing unidentified objects to and fro in their saddlebags.
Now, they were all in there at once, and had been for some time now. Presumably, they were having a sleepover. Still, though, it was really none of my business, so I stared forward vigilantly as to my right, the sun began to disappear over the trees.
Vigilantly, that is, until a call came in over my emergency frequency.
“Aegis! Help!” Princess Twilight’s voice abruptly emanated from my armor.
“Princess?!” I said, my muscles tensing.
“Aegis! There’s someone inside! He’s trying to – AIIIIIEEEE!!” An agonizing shriek pierced the night, so loud that I heard it even without the communicator.
I sprang into action. Flipping the safety off on my battle harness, I sprinted around and blasted right through the door with my head. Ever-cautious not to fire a spear on accident, I tore around the corner.
“The ballroom! He’s got me- AAIIII!!” another ear-piercing shriek. I sprinted even faster, hauling up the stairs and around the corner, to the enormous doors of the ballroom. I busted in just by using my head, ready to fire-
“SURPRISE!”
I froze, stock-still. The six smiling mares stood in front of me, grinning their heads off and wearing pointed party hats. The room itself was decorated with streamers and balloons, along with a table that held cake and punch. There was even a bloody piñata.
“What…” I asked, quietly…
“Well, Pinkie wanted to throw you a party to welcome you to Ponyville…” Princess Twilight began.
“But we knew you were too cool to leave your post…” Rainbow continued.
“So ol’ smarty-pants had a whopper of an idea!” Applejack exclaimed.
“We knew that the only way to get you to leave your post was by using that gemmy-thingy on your chest…” Pinkie squealed, literally vibrating with excitement.
“That’s an amethyst, Pinkie… anyways, she decided to fake an emergency…” Rarity stated happily.
“In order to lure you up here…” Fluttershy said quietly, a small smile on her face.
“To throw you a super-bashin’ WEEK-IVERSARY PARTY!” Pinkie cried, leaping into the air.
I paused. “…Week-iversary”? I asked.
“Yeah, cuz see it’s the one-week anniversary of you arriving here in Ponyville, so I combined the words into one super-word!” Pinkie said, grinning. She raced up and whispered loudly in my ear, “I came up with the name myself.” Then she stood back. “Do you like it?!”
I was silent, looking at the happy mares. “Like it…” I said quietly.
“Yeah, that!” Pinkie interjected.
“I love it!” I stated, and for the first time in months, a true smile burst out on my face.
The girls all cheered, and Pinkie raced over to the stereo and put on a thumpin’ rave beat.
“All right, first off – hoof-wrestlin’ contest!” Rainbow cried, dragging me by the hoof over to a nearby table, and before I knew it, I was locked in a hoof-wrestling position with her. “Ready…” She said, eyes narrowed. “GO!”
XXXXXXXX
2 and a half minutes later…
XXXXXXXX
“C’mon! Best… um… twenty-two out of forty-three!” Rainbow said, even as I slammed her hoof on the table for the twentieth time.
“That’s twenty-two out of twenty-five, Dash…” Princess Twilight corrected. “And I think we should move on to something else. It’s clear who’s the winner here.”
“Bah! Fine!” Rainbow said with a huff. “But really, dude, how are you so friggin’ strong?!”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Rainbow Dash.” I stated. “Earth ponies just have stronger muscles and tougher bones than Pegasi. It’s a fact of biology.”
“Bio-leggy, my left flank…” Rainbow muttered good-naturedly, shouldering me and grinning.
“What do YOU want to do, Aegis?” Princess Twilight asked, smiling at me.
“Eh… whatever you want. You’re the elements of harmony, after all.” I replied.
“Yeah, but YOU’RE the one who’s been standing in that same position for almost a week straight. You’ve earned this.” Princess Twilight said, pointing at me with a hoof.
“WHAT?!” Rarity screamed, deafening all of us. “Darling, you can’t stand still like that for THAT long! You’ll absolutely RUIN your back – so much constant tension is a nightmare on your back!”
“No, really, I’ll be fine.” I stated, nodding at her. “I’ve been doing this for a long-GZKGZKZK.” The last bit was an involuntary throat noise as I felt my spine twist sharply. “What…” I squeaked.
“Darling, you just HAVE to let me magically massage you. Already, I can feel the knots locking up your back – goodness, you’re stiff as a rock!” Rarity said, her horn glowing as she had a concerned look on her face.
“Ooh! Let me try!” Princess Twilight said excitedly.
“I’m… not a guinea pig…” I grunted, feeling my muscles stretch and shrink.
“Aegis is correct, Twilight.” Rarity added. “Plus, with your amount of raw power, you’ll probably end up liquefying his spine.”
I winced, partly from the nasty suggestion, and partly from a spectacular crack from my spine that sounded like an oak tree breaking. “Please sto- oh, oh, ohhh, ohhhhhhh…” I trailed off, moaning. It felt like my back had been a spring wound too tight, and Rarity had just loosened it perfectly.
Rarity giggled. “There we go, now things are starting to go back in order.” She said, smiling as she continued to manipulate my muscles with her magic.
“Oh, don’t stop, please…” I said, embarrassed by how feminine my moans sounded, yet absolutely melting at Rarity’s heavenly touch.
“My, your legs, too… hang on, I’ll take care of those too, real quick.” Rarity said, and I felt my legs tingle as well as the muscles began to loosen.
After barely a minute of absolute heaven, Rarity stopped, nodding. “There you go. How’s that, darling”
“I feel like a million bucks.” I said woozily, still waking up from the massage-trance I had been in. Really, though, it felt like I had been carrying a thousand-ton weight on my back without realizing it, and only now that it was gone did I realize how good my back felt. “You gotta do that again sometime.” I stated to Rarity, who giggled.
“Enough with the crackin’ - let’s get to breakin’!” Pinkie said, hopping over. Then she paused. “Wow, that was a really bad rhyme on my part… sorry.” She said, even as she took me by the shoulder and led me over to the piñata. She abruptly pulled a cloth out of… somewhere, and put it over my eyes, tying it behind my head. “Now a spinny-spin-spin!” Pinkie said gleefully, spinning me around three times (at least, I think it was three).
Next thing I knew, I had a bat in my mouth. “Go to town!” Pinkie said to me. Surprisingly exhilarated, I stumbled forward, swinging like a madman. “Hot! No, cold! No wait, hot! Burning hot! No… no, cold… you’re polar… wait, no!” Pinkie called to me, giving me clues to where the piñata was. Soon the other girls joined in, cheering me on.
Eventually, Pinkie grew really excited (“YOU’RE ON FIRE! LOOK OUT! YOU’LL BURN YOURSELF!”) and I knew I was right in front of it. I swung with all my might, and felt satisfaction flood through me as my bat impacted what could only be the piñata with a crack! The girls cheered, and the blindfold was removed from my eyes as I looked down at the candy-
-“Apples?” I said, confused.
“Yeah, candy-apples!” Pinkie said, holding up one of the caramel-covered apples. “Here, have one!” she said, shoving it in my mouth.
“Yeah, that was my idea.” Applejack said, grinning as she walked over. “Pinkie wanted candy in the piñata, and I wanted apples in it, and so we compromised. And speaking of apples…” She said, and she led me over to another corner of the room, where there was a large tub full of water and apples.
“Bob away, pardner!” She said, grinning. I nodded, smiling, and opened my mouth wide. Then I dunked my head into the cold water. My eyes closed to protect them from the water, I swished my head around, before clomping my teeth onto an apple. I reared my head back up triumphantly.
“Aww, just an apple?” Pinkie said, bouncing over. “That’s no fun! Try again, there are WAY better prizes in there!”
Shrugging, I once again dunked my head into the tub. I tried to bite something, but I instead felt something bite ME! “Celestia’s beard!” I yelled, rearing my head back up, shaking it. I opened my eyes to behold another pair of eyes: glassy, purple, reptilian eyes.
“Gummy, you silly boy! What were you doing in there?” Pinkie said, and she pulled the creature off my face. I now saw that it was an alligator, but before I freaked out, I noticed that it was toothless.
Wiping a bead of sweat off my head, Princess Twilight called to us, “All right, kids, time to cut the cake!”
“Hilarious, Twilight.” Dash said, rolling her eyes, as we all gathered around the cake table.
“WAIT!” Pinkie screamed as Princess Twilight went to cut a slice. “We gotta sing first!” She insisted, shoving her face into Princess Twilight’s.
“But… that’s only for birthdays.” Princess Twilight said, confused.
“It’s the LAW that we sing before we cut the cake! Right in here!” Pinkie pulled out a massive pink book, emblazoned with the words, “PINKIE PARTY LAW”.
“Oh, all right.” Princess Twilight said, rolling her eyes but smiling good naturedly. “What do we sing, though?”
“Just follow my lead!” Pinkie said, and inhaling deeply, she began to sing, the other girls soon following along.
Happy week-iversary to you!
Happy week-iversary to you!
Happy week-iversary dear Aeeegis… (Pinkie mispronounced my name so that it sounded like “ay-jeez”)
Happy week-iversary to youuuu!!!
The ponies all clopped their hooves on the ground, cheering, and I grinned widely. This was one the most fun I’d had since… well, since ever!
Unfortunately, it was not to last. (A/N - stop music if playing plz)
As Princess Twilight cut a slice and put it on a plate, she looked up at me. “Say, Aegis, I just noticed something – you’re still wearing your armor! Here, lemme take it off, make you more comfy…”
“Huh? Wait, NO-“ I cried, but it was too late. Princess Twilight levitated off my armor and helmet…
Then there it was – the collective gasp. The plate with my cake slipped from Princess Twilight’s magical grasp and plummeted to the ground. The dishware smashed rather loudly on the ground, but none of the girls cared about that. They were too busy staring at me.
Or rather, at the enormous scar upon my back.
The scar was truly humongous. It stretched from my right foreleg to my left hindquarter, so big that I could only barely hide it under my armor. Worse, it was absolutely wretched: a nasty gash two inches wide, faintly green, but mostly the dark red color of congealed blood.
There was silence in the room. One could hear a pin drop. The shock on the girls’ faces was glaring, and the tension in the room was audible.
Then, I sprinted out of the room, my head held low.
XXXXXXXX
At the royal guard academy, there is an unwritten rule which all guards follow. It doesn’t even need to be said, it’s so obvious to all who come there.
Royal guards never cry.
Of course, here I was, lying in some bed in the maze that was the castle, breaking that rule shamelessly.
Disgusting… I was so disgusting… I saw the looks of shock and horror on their faces as they stared at the mark on my back. They’d never want anything to do with me again, I was sure. All they could ever think of when they looked at me was how horribly disfigured I was. They would only show me pity. Just like everyone else who had seen the scar.
I had been lying there for what must have been half an hour before they found me. Like I said, the castle was a very well-decorated rat maze.
There was a light squeak as the door opened slowly. “Aegis?” Princess Twilight said quietly. I didn’t respond. There was a small storm of clip-clopping; evidently the whole gang was here.
“Aegis? Are you all right, darling?” Rarity asked. I didn’t look up.
“Aegis…” Came an unfamiliar voice. A hoof lifted my chin up, and I looked into the eyes of Pinkie Pie.
“Smile? For me?” Pinkie said. That was why I hadn’t recognized her voice; it was so somber, so subdued, that it almost clashed with her puffy pink hair and bright, cheerful attitude. I only stared at her. “C’mon. You can do it.” She stated, still smiling softly at me.
Gradually, I managed to get a tiny smile on my face. “That’s it. Nice one. That’s a nice smile.” Pinkie said, a touch of her old cheer coming into her voice. “Now, why did you run?”
“Well… I was… afraid.” I said, looking away from her, the momentary smile vanishing. Pinkie jiggled my head again, making me look at her once more.
“Afraid of what?” she prompted softly.
“Afraid of… what you’d think of me…” I said. “I mean, I’m so ugly, this stupid scar…” Tears began to well again in my eyes. “Wherever I go, it brings me nothing but pity, I just wish I could-“
“Boop!” Pinkie said abruptly, taking her hoof from under my chin and poking my nose, causing me to look at her, confused. “Boop!” She said, poking it a second time, and I couldn’t help but chuckle a little at how silly it was. “Boop!” She said, poking me again, and I smiled widely, truly chuckling this time. “That one always gets ‘em. “Now c’mon, face the girls, eh? They’re getting tired of looking at your tail.”
A quiet chuckle resonated around the room, and I nodded as I turned around. “Now… just tell us real quick about that scar. It always helps to talk about it.” Pinkie said gently. It was a polite request, not an order.
I sighed. “Well… see, this castle isn’t the first place I’ve been… see, I normally guard places in Canterlot, but I occasionally go on missions. My first very first mission was in the suburbs of Detrot, when I wasn’t two months out of the academy…”
XXXXXXXX
”HYBRID FREAKS!” Stalwart said as he bucked a manticore across the face. His brown hair blew in the wind, and his tan fur rippled in the breeze. The manticore fled, and Stalwart grinned, calling over to another pony: “Hey Bulwark! I got twenty! How about you?”
Bulwark, Stalwart’s identical twin, bucked another manticore, grinning over at his brother. “That one makes eighteen!” He said as the manticore he kicked ran for the hills. “Don’t you worry, big bro – I’ll catch up before you can even shake your tail!”
“That’ll be the day!” Stalwart laughed, pushing his helmet up. Then he turned. “Hey, rookie! How you holding up?!”
Aegis was off to the side, not far from the brothers. He looked the same as his future self did, only his face was, for once, quite worried.“I – I’m fine… aah!” He called, crying out as another manticore leapt at him.
“You gotta do better than fine, kid! We gotta clear out this manticore infestation by sundown, or the things’ll swarm us!” Stalwart called. “You seen the alpha?”
“That what?!” Aegis said, throwing a weak punch at the manticore he fought.”
Stalwart rolled his eyes. “The leader, kid. Real big manticore, twice the size of any of these fellas. Hang on – HYUH!” Stalwart briefly broke off to smash another manticore right in the face with his hoof, sending it howling. “So ya see it?”
Aegis’s pupils dilated. “R-r-right behind you!” He cried, pointing. Stalwart whipped around to see a titanic manticore appear around a street corner. It roared, batting a massive paw into the nearest building, collapsing it.
“Cripes, even bigger than we expected… Rookie! Keep the trash off our backs, me and Bulwark are going for the big one! Just hold ‘em off for a bit – once the Alpha’s down, the rest o’ em should head for the hills. BULWARK!” Stalwart roared the last word as he charged towards the alpha.
“I’m on it!” Bulwark roared, lighting up his horn. He fired green magic blasts at the beast, drawing its attention just long enough for Stalwart to get airborne. Streamlining his wings, Stalwart zoomed forward, and smashed the manticore right in its cheek.
For a minute, it seemed like they would win: Bulwark and Stalwart kept whaling away on the Alpha, while Aegis worked hard to keep the regular manticores at bay.
But then, disaster. The manticore got a lucky swipe in, and sent Stalwart plummeting into the side of a building.
“STALWART!” Bulwark cried, rushing over to his fallen brother. “You okay?! C’mon, man, wake up!” Bulwark said, shaking his comrade.
Stalwart coughed, sitting up. “I’m fine. I angled myself as I flew – nothing’s broken.” He reassured his brother quickly. “Take more than that to get rid of – KID!”
Bulwark whipped around to see Aegis, his eyes red with rage, tearing towards the Alpha. “AEGIS, GET BACK! THAT’S AN ORDER!” Bulwark roared.
“I got this!” Aegis called, tearing across the cobblestones. He leaned forward in two quick jerks, firing both of his spears, directly into the Alpha's eyes. The monster roared, blinded; only now was it vulnerable. Using his earth pony strength, Aegis leapt high into the air and gripped right onto the manticore’s furry chest, and crawled up to the back of its head. “Bulwark! Throat!” Aegis cried, as he gripped the manticore’s mane and pulled with all his might. The manticore roared, rearing back, its head rising, exposing its vulnerable throat.
Bulwark understood immediately, and after just a few seconds of charging, released a powerful spell blast. “Bulls-eye!” Bulwark said victoriously, as the magic blast hit the manticore’s throat. The creature gave a pained roar, which turned into a gurgle, as the magic ate through its throat like it was paper. Blood poured from the wound, and the manticore stayed frozen for an eternal moment, before crashing forward and slamming into the ground.
“All right! Way to go, Aegis!” Stalwart cheered, and the two brothers rushed forward. “That took balls – AEGIS!” Stalwart cried out in horror.
The manticore had gotten the last laugh after all – just before Bulwark’s blast had hit it, its enormous stinger – the size of a pony’s head – had dug into Aegis’ back. It tore through the tissue, narrowly missing his spine, right up to his shoulder, causing an absolutely disgusting gash of red flesh. Even worse, a green liquid coated the sides of the wound, hissing quietly.
“Manticore venom, SHIT!” Stalwart said, before slamming his hoof onto his emergency communicator gem. “Stalwart to HQ, we need a pegevac, NOW! We got a stallion down, a truckload of manicore venom in him! Get that evac here NOW, or this guy won’t make it! Hurry, there isn’t much time…”
XXXXXXXX
“I was in the hospital for a month after that, antivenom being pumped into me day in night.” I said. My face was numb and impassive even as I remembered the horrific, burning pain which enveloped my body. “Even with all the doctors helping, though, I only survived by a hair. The alpha had injected enough venom to kill five ponies, and it was only thanks to fast acting and stasis spells that I survived. They said the only reason I survived at all was because I was earth pony – unicorns and pegasi would have been far too frail to withstand the venom. But, well, Celestia was smiling on me, I guess.”
As I finished, my eyes refocused from staring off into space, revealing the girls in front of me. Their ears were flat, and their eyes filled with tears. Poor Fluttershy was on the floor, her face in her hooves. “Yeah, disgusting, inn’it.” I said quietly. “I understand if-“
“Oh you poor dear!” Rarity cried out, crawling onto the bed and draping herself over me in a hug. “Oh, you brave, foolish, poor, poor dear!” She wailed, gripping me.
As though an avalanche had started, the other mares all joined in a group hug, all of them pressing down on me, their warmth and caring pressing down on me.
Not gonna lie, it felt really, really good. To know that these mares cared about me… I smiled, as I lowered my head, and closed my eyes, falling asleep.
XXXXXXXX
Two weeks later…
XXXXXXXX
“Mornin’, Aegis!” Twilight said, trotting out of the doors of her castle.
I smiled at her, nodding. “Mornin’, Twilight.” I said cheerily. Ever since that night, the girls had become even more friendly with me. Even if I wasn’t supposed to, I found myself going out to lunch with them, or even just to go on picnics. It wasn’t very stallion-ly of me, sure, but it was the first real friendship I had had in a seriously long time.
“I’m just going off to the market to restock. You want anything?” She asked me.
“Eh, just get me a donut or something from Sugarcube Corner, will ya?” I asked, nodding. Drool welled in my mouth a little as I thought of the glazed, circular goodness. “Oh! And tell Pinks I said hi.”
“No prob.” Twilight said, smiling. “Oh, and don’t forget – your massage session with Rarity is this evening.”
“Oh, I remember.” I said a touch dreamily. “She says we’re really making progress with the knots in my shoulders.”
She giggled. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s the only reason you want to see her.” She laughed as I blushed lightly. “I’ll see you later, Aegis.” She said, smiling at me over her shoulder as she trotted off.
“You too, Twilight.” I said, smiling. I watched her trot off. A minute passed, in which I savored the crisp fall air. Soon, the running of the leaves would start – I had a bet going with AJ and Rainbow about which of the three of us would do best in the race.
“E-excuse me…” came a soft voice, and I focused on the yellow Pegasus who came trotting up. “C-can I see Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.
I was about to respond, when I noted something. Fluttershy’s cutie mark – it had three butterflies, as always. However, the wings were blue, and the bodies were pink.
I pounced, tackling “Fluttershy” to the ground. As I pulled out my zip-cuffs, there was a burst of green flame below me.
“DEATH TO THE PRINCESS! DEATH TO EQUESTRIA!” The changling hissed even as I tied its legs up.
“Yeah, yeah.” I said, rolling my eyes and leaning back a bit so that it wouldn’t bite me. I smiled even as I struggled to keep the feisty changeling down. Fourth assassination attempt in a single week.
God, I love my job.
Author's Note
I really enjoyed writing this, and even if it went a little astray from what I originally planned, I still like it. But it's not my opinion that matters, it's yours! What did you think of this little collection of words?
P.S. I apologize for spelling errors. I have to seriously fire my editor (that is to say, myself).
