Super Happy Katana Fun Time

by BloodyBubblegum

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Adventure, Random, Dark, Sad
Length: 3309

Enter the world of hyper-insane energetic action sequences, soft-hearted mercenaries, lollipops and questionable pop culture references. You'll follow the protagonist 'Tetsu Ishii Ryoku' as she dies a thousand deaths due to shame, tent

Because why the fuck not.

Enter the world of hyper-insane energetic action sequences, soft-hearted mercenaries, lollipops and questionable pop culture references. You'll follow the protagonist 'Tetsu Ishi Ryoku' as she dies a thousand deaths due to shame, tentacles, her own infatuation with mini-skirts, pro-racism populace and diabetes. Not a stab or jab at all to anime, old-fashioned kung-fu movies and Japanese culture in general, Super Happy Katana Fun Time entails a compendium of little adventures designed to test the soul, heart and person of the reader.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-31 05:09:46 UTC

Bearer of the Curse.

Mizu Edo: capital.

The rising sun.

It is beautiful, yes?

The land of demons, waves and metal means 'home' to many. But, in times of abstract conscience, there are few that dare call Mizu Edo their birthright. Little ships across the borders maneuver away with white, salty sails. They say it's all forgone because of the mist. 'But, brothers and sisters,' the priest would plea, 'this is our land and our mother.' A wash of rain meet all who dare set foot in Mizu Edo, but other places, such as the entire country itself, are mending downpours. Neighpan, the capital of all technological trade and creativity, is a majestic mess of creativity, tragedy, brilliance and bizarre joy. In particular, one Tetsu Ishi Ryoku pondered it's beauty, watching the moon by the foot of one, lonely hill.

Luna, sweet incandesence, knew how to soothe her subjects. She watched pale, dusty light lick the lands and forests below. If only mother could see it, she noted, ignoring a rustle in bushes not a yard away.

A straggler accosted her, like petals in a battlefield. He was shorter. Stockier. The way every furrow took his brow and creased his forehead, the priestess watched someone troubled. The bandit threatened her in silence, fidgety and riddled with opium scents. A single, rust-ready wakizashi pressed against her neck and though she had reason to hate or submit, Tetsu Ishi Ryoku smiled.

"Where're the goods...!" The stallion growled, crackling his pipe he was so nervous.

He saw a solar blade at her hip, sheathed with ornate, but humile gold trimmings. The base was white with sacred ivory from the bones of sanctified elephant mounts. The monks blessed her weapon, which was her shield and faith. Sweetest Celestia taught her the art of laughter, magic and sincerity. So, in her strange elation, the sword priestess chuckled.

"Was there nothing in the shed, little bandit...?" Tetsu asked, hearing his ears droop.

"..." He sunk, letting the wakizashi slink away and soon, lay idly at his waist.

"You've come a long way to visit me," she told the prowler, "and you shouldn't return empty-hoofed. Please take my clothes as a gift."

The thief, wholly bewildered, watched her face dampen with rain. A wandering sun priestess, he figured, only brought damnation and conquest. So, in his guilt fully-realize, the stallion took her kimono and slunk away. Once, the pony glanced back, over his shoulder with anchored brows. The moonlight danced across her eyes and found his own. Someday, he reckoned whispered, they'd meet again. Tetsu Ishi Ryoku watched the moon as grass creaked. Slowly, his hoofsteps faded.

"Poor fellow," she mused, grinning crooked against Luna's light.

"I couldn't give him this beautiful moon."

Morning arrived that day and though she bled, Tetsu Ishi Ryoku woke on her tatami. Bamboo was a sturdy companion. It gave her back a  strong, rigid disposition for nights nobles might've hated. And, in her peace of mind, she heard cicadas calling. They were buzzing, bristly singers and meistros of music misunderstood. Crickets were out the night before, but, Luna's gift was far too encompassing. The mare checked her hanging ghost charm and sighed in relief, seeing it perfectly still. She stretched limber and fluid, tense with all her training beforehand.

'Today, I meet my goddess' path.' She murmured alone, but never left, watching the clouds from her barred window.

It took a while to make breakfast. Catching fish was aggravating. Even for a priestess, sinner she was, hunting came with duress. She envied the trappers and spearmares capable of miracles. Instead, she boiled a fine tea, using what she could from local trips to random villages. It was slow and easy that morning. And, in her study of signs, Tetus knew why. The storm would rage very, very soon. It took an hour of lounging about. They ambushed her mid-meal, ever-brimming with ravenous hunger.

Solar Zombies, she knew. Each one carried warm, leathery flesh and epidermises layered with stale petrichor senses. They weren't typical Mizu Edo monsters and whatnot. Instead of corruption-based ambitions, they were holy creatures. Which was why, of all ponies, she was breakfast, lunch and dinner all at once. Other hunger creatures would've wanted her loins. Those, wretched and balding in places, but ultimately akin to bad cosplayers, were simply a cure. Her back stung in recognition of the sinned. And, in her mark, Tetsu bolted upright. They swamped her from all ends, six, eight, ten and twelve. Fourteen, sixteen, eighteen crept out the bamboo forests and joined in carnage.

'Celesita, forgive me for I will sin. I know what I do and though I carry your light, I sin regardless. Blindly. Selfishly. Happily.' The priestess uttered, drawing her blinding soul.

It's name was 'Fuyu' because the light, like her mane, was pink. And, in greatest splendor, she whispered it's name. Blistering chill, a silent fog leaked from blade exposure. It was a different kind of light. An extension of her soul-less body that contained her very, exceptionally mortal soul. Tetsu Ishi Ryoku took a defensive stance and left her blade hip-rested. They poured like ants in frenzy, swarming her flank, right, left, forward. They were robust, sprinting creatures, each one bursting with power and not once swift or agile. Instead, they worked like berserkers. Downward hammers and harsh, momentum-heavy arcs made their arsenal.

Diagonal, downward sing. She leaned right, fur barely scraped by hissing talons.

"Sweet~" She giggled, crouching amidst swipes to bull charge.

And one by one, they fell, apparently husks of musculature. The reason zombies were never a real problem wasn't their mental incapability, but how rotten they were. How weak the ligaments and whatnot hung. Tetsu Ishi Ryoku galloped elsewhere, heading toward a sturdy, little bridge. Her footfalls were vast whispers and each, hungry groan made them swifter. Being eaten was a horrible demise. One worse than death, she remembered, panting and maw-gaped. Still water sat below her as Tetsu glanced back. Over her shoulder, she saw legion. They were foul hunters. Foul light like missionaries with big rifles. She stood easy, Fuyu in her hooves as a graceful weapon. Not a true katana, it was more a maio dao too skinny for chopping trees, but great for balance.

She yawned, half-eyed in bubbly fatigue. The horde followed and there, she smashed a wilting rail section. Tetsu, elated to hear splintering wood, spent her morning whopping zombies into pond water. And, after they pruned, flesh was never so soft. Each monstrosity stood at six, maybe seven feet from her perspective. Any other scrub might've run or feared, but all she did was laugh out of curious anxiety. One-by-one, they fell. Throat slashes, torso-halvings and amputation leased her assailants. Impact left their water-kissed skin chipping and crunching with iced affliction. They ripped apart like ripe, ready fruits. Ribs splayed outward and mindless organs hung lazily about their pelvic regions. Tetsu would've heaved, but, she had a black stomach, too.

Her last assailant crawled across the rain-slick bridge. Stocky, shorter and hurt, he reached forward.

"Celestia..." She wavered, feeling her eyes water.

"You're a bitch sometimes."

Tetsu Ishi Ryoku stomped his head in. Strike after crush, she felt warm, acidic retribution kiss her hindlegs. Her hooves, worst of all, were eaten away and raw from divine punishment. Celestia wouldn't forgive her. After something like cerebral pudding caked her hind-hooves, everything felt... still. Peaceful. It made her giggle, both hooves covering her cheeks. In the pond, she saw her needle irises and shaking, naked hooves. The worst part, though... was feeling right. Wind swept their mane, pink like sakura; her yellowed, creamy coat ruffled at the chest. A splash of sickly, spoiled black hit her fur with one more slash.

The priestess watched him die and soon, she buried him with her clothes under the moonlight. Kicked, malleable soil filled her nostrils that night. It was all quiet and, at the foot of her isolated hill, Tetsu cleansed the meadow all around. It was ankle-height in wild, bountiful wheats. An old farmer tended the land once, she heard somewhere forgotten. That was why, in her silent tribute, she planted a single wish rose above his cremated urn. The pot was six feet below, toppled by earth and worms kicking with rain. But, his spirit, hopefully, was cleansed with her ceremony.

Tetsu Ishi Ryoku bandaged her stomach, watching it smear with black, hollow blood.

Katawa No-Go!

Though she wanted to breathe, there was no time for that. Winter fell and Tetsu Ishi Ryoku pressed her back against the bamboo. It was jagged with frosty protrusions, each one pressing against her kimono. Everything else felt strange. Misplaced. Damn it, she cursed inside, watching the shambling monster of gears, anger and duty stomp about. It was houses tall at some point in measurement. Well, to her, it seemed that monstrous. In reality, the red gates dotted about Mizu Edo made an accurate summary. It was slow and lumbering, but cocked with automatic crossbow nonsense. The westerners couldn't fit an automatic firing mechanism on their machinations, thankfully...

"Temei! Omae wa moshindeirrrrrrrrrru!" Tetsu grated, high and shrill in her last shred of sanity.

She shook, knowing how horribly powerful a metal man was. They'd freeze at certain points, but never like damp undead. The mare galloped far and wide as possible, strafing at times with snow crunching. Barely, it crunched, an asset to someone literally able to not make a single imprint. Her hooves kicked meek winter trails. And, each one made her pupils shrink. It landed right behind her. Every step, the beast shattered the very Earth that birthed it. Her eldritch assailant made whistling, steam-laden noise in movements unknown. Alien churning and crackling of static started before it played mimicry of human voices. All about mercy and begging 'please', or 'I don't wanna die'.

"You fuck...! Celesita help me... I'll make you pay!" The priestess screamed, plunging her sword deep within.

A strange, creaking noise erupted betwixt them. And, in not knowing her actions, she cursed with hot, flaying steam all over both hooves. Till then, she wasn't a two-hooved swordsmare. It only helped her feel more confident. More suited to face a world that wanted her and the rest of the tainted dead. She sung the hallelujah and kicked Fuyu hilted. Singing, groaning metal greeted her ears and everything hurt. A wash of surging pressure exploded her forest-trampling enemy. And, though she couldn't feel her left foreleg... at least the others were safe. It tore her kimono, white and black with sunlight at her back. The world burst her eardrums and one, stinging crash claimed the surrounding bamboo forest.

She gasped awake, shivering in dense hypothermia. Another sun vial. Another sun vial met her lips, just barely gripped by one, functioning forehoof. The other, she knew, was blackened to nothing. Limp. Frozen rigid, essentially. Tetsu Ishi Ryoku stumbled into hindleg movement. It was burning. Everything burned like heat before, but more because of her sunlight vial. Celesita blessed her once. But, now, she couldn't tell if anything wanted her alive. Not even the townspeople saved her. She hoofed her own, damn sword back and took a moment to breathe.

Amputation...

One.

Two.

It came off. Her eyes were far from dry. Everything ached and worse, her own nerves screamed from being healed. Once a capable priestess, she was little more than some hack who liked to roll her 'r's. Or, at least, Tetsu thought, shunning her own strengths to name the weaknesses. It was gone and that's all that mattered. No whining. No crying. She could cry when no one was watching. Tetsu grit her teeth and slowly, snow parted beneath her dense, frost-bitten hindlegs. It took another sunlight vial all over her body. That's when everything started moving again. It hissed in sweet reaction, washing warm the kiss of winter's hate. A dry spell of grunting, wimper-like noise and brutal loneliness dragged her heart. Why... did she wear a mini-skirt today.

"No... that was stupid. Why did you need a mini skirt. C-can't you... fucking wear a good pair of sweats or something." Tetsu murmured, panting steamy against the horrid winter.

Zombies declined in winter because their once-great macrothermal signatures were reduced to nothing. And, in their decline, she hated being the only thing for miles. Miles and miles and miles, only the ponies remained. She stumbled toward a bridge and fell off the broken rails.

Before long, she had a nice... warm bath?

"Oh... Oh, Luna fuck... A hot spring. Blessed art thou in Canterlot and hallowed be thy fucking name, great princess-!" Tetsu gasped, immobilized entirely and shivering it all felt so wrong.

She didn't notice before, but, she didn't... feel alone. Someone was watching. Up there, beyond the clouds grey and dirty with mineral traces. It wasn't alone in the river washing her with maddening warmth. To offset her hypothermic symptoms, she kept one half underwater and the torso above. Everything centered and keeping her sternum submerged would only destroy her nerves. So, knowing her sensitive flesh, Tetsu Ishi Ryoku gradually 'sank'. Really, it was laying with her back against one, shallow riverbed. There, her spine tensed and something felt fixed again. The absent limb, however, did scream in total shock. That was when, by some measure of fate, she had the sense to toss Fuyu out the water.

Tetsu shook her head, wetting her mane slick and breathing sweat undeath. Justa s she did, faint voices twitched her ears. They were odd things. Amazing, hopeful registers both low, high and baritone. They were common folk, barely garnishing sentences with high-class wit and distance. They were all adults, or young adults, by the remarks some gave.

"Where'd she go...?"

"I-I dunno, it's like she exploded with that thing."

"No, that can't be it. There aren't scraps of meat or anything near the Steam Giant. I mean- we found her leg, but, that's not a body."

"Maybe the wolves picked it away?" Asked a young, bright fellow, almost scarily cheery with all the nonsense that just transpired.

"No... Again, we'd give them too little time. She's alive. But, at what cost, I don't know. I just... It's strange, you know. When a mare comes in town and says she'll slay a monster, I don't believe her. She did it. Whatever for, I don't care. Bless her soul. I... I can't believe I was wrong about the black-bloods."

Tetsu felt a pang in her heart. No one... ever said anything like that. No one but the princess. And, even then, where was that doll of a pony. Off somewhere not dying, but in a cozy abode reading trashy novels, she liked to imagine. Her heart stung in beautiful motions. Wounding happiness struck her lips and made them quiver ever-so-slightly. Tetsu clenched her teeth, laying perfectly still. Stray schools of purple, phantasmal flame wandered by and all above her walking corpse. They glided like dreams and hopes. Each movement seemed mesmerizing; almost comfy in a way. She shook her head, defying with every, agonizing fiber in her body. They made her want rest. The purple lights glided to judgement. And, in their sway, Tetsu bent her head far, far elsewhere. .

"Not... now. I'm not... dead. I don't want to die."

Her murmur was drowned by whistling wind. Though she fell several, agonizing instances, Tetsu dragged her hooves along. Brisk, lively pacing blessed her steps and, through some, miraculous fate, Tetsu could move fluently with only her hindhooves. Without another foreleg to balance, it felt awkward, but, robust enough to keep Fuyu close. Of course she didn't forget her promise. How could she.

Blurry, growing silhouettes approached her vision. Though she held her sword tip-extended, the others only soothed. For once... ponies didn't call her monster. They welcomed little Tetsu with open forelegs. And, quite literally, the crowd did carry her elsewhere. She only trusted them because not doing so was unacceptable. Even if they lied, at least her sense of submissiveness was still alive. It would help her survive that wretched place. Shifting masses of spectrum washed her water-stained eyes, every one carrying a greyed tone. It felt... strange. As if she were home. At first, she objected to any sort of contact, aside from hoof-based guidance. But, everything was clear. The snow was far too thick for a three-legged pony, and her hindlegs did no service with socks, but absent insulation. Tetsu took her leap of faith.

By the time she recovered from heavy hemorrhaging, severe hypothermia and total shock, it'd turn to wicked wake. Another bout of gasping. Another reason to hate slumber. By her age, of years unspoken, Tetsu's icy eyes were tarnished by heavy, aching bags. Though she wanted to move, a roaring fire kept her cozy. A single sleeping roll met the moonlight, which made her slow and stare. Above, nearby candles flocked with white, silky moths; she knew Luna's embrace.

It even numbed her absent foreleg.

Wakarahen Naze Ga Itaiyo

It was a cold, unforgiving night. Sleep stuck dew and wasted moisture all along the inside of Tetsu's coat. The sinewous compounds of her musculature were nearly in disrepair the morning after. No more fights. No more collective battles in an a hour's time. Little Tetsu rose on an elbow and found the joint sore. Articulation made it crack and show perceptible trauma-based damage. Mostly to the underside and not the inside, she observed carefully. It took putting pressure on the region to identify an accurate state of affliction. Pony coats did not convey bruises so easily. The mare, quite bitter in their dry throat and drowsy from the dust and mid-summer's heat, stumbled to awareness. Crippled in the head, she diagnosed just from the lack of coordination. A concussion.

All around were bristled packets of wild Mizuedo ferns and bushes, their presence dwarfed by the immense bamboo forestry dividing travel into paths. Slowly, she crept along the riverbank from the abandoned housing. Although she slept on tatami, Tetsu knew not the danger looming ominously about the silence. All she knew was that somepony brought her sword to wash and left it gleaming in the moonlight. It's edge was sharp as tongue games from the local jesters. And so much more. Her approach toward the weapon brought a stalemate betwixt thoughts. On one hand, she knew it was cold water somepony soaked it in. And another part knew that could brittle the blade, which needed to be powdered and swabbed regularly. Just as wind rustled, she flinched, recognizing a leaning bamboo unit as whips crashing against some poor child. Her own poor child. Their eyes reflected upon the starry liquid below her. Innocence lost, they spelled a lifetime of punishment and many more sinful revenges. Tetsu choked on her own breath as it rushed back into her. Another child. Another loss. Their eyes reflected upon the crimson blade above her. Pride gained, it worded several bloodlines of reward and very few rebellions against the empire. Tetsu, they could've called her. Instead, the guard captains and the samurai or their outcast ronin siblings simply called her 'the outsider.' Some questioned her birthright into the ranks of honorable purebreads such as her peers. Others said it was her lack of inclusion. Her distance was alien. Foreign to the most unsuspecting, it was many things. Her mental states. Her mannerisms around things like loss or kindness. They all said she was an outsider.

Father's features filled itself into the carcass of a hanged equine. He was rotten and spoiled, hanging by the ankles both back and front alike. Hog-tied, like father did on boring summer nights. Tetsu shook as the corpse fell apart. The memory was over. Tetsu eased her grip on her blade as it fell limply into obscura.