Trixie stood in front of of a shabby-looking building with with a slanted roof and shutters that hung off one hinge. It wasn't pretty, admittedly, but it was hers, and the bill of sale proved that, especially if you ignored the forged notary signature. That was definitive proof. Puffing out her chest, Trixie nodded, a smirk working its way across her face. "Oh yeah," she said, "this is going to be great."
Taking a step forward, Trixie’s horn burst into life as she unrolled a large banner that hung from the roof. In massive, colorful letters, it declared to the world that 'Trixie's Magical Shop of Wonders, Trinkets, and (Definitely in No Way Cursed) Objects' was now open for business.
Trixie admired her sign for a moment, then turned around. Facing the street, she shouted, "Come and get some, fools!"
Across the little dirt path that was Ponyville's main street, a librarian-turned-princess looked out her window. Twilight squinted, reading the sign. Horrible realization dawned on her, and a grimace found itself upon her face. "You have got to be kidding me." She watched for a moment as a passing mare was lured into the shop by Trixie. Twilight groaned. "Oh, son of a—"
"Welcome!" said Trixie, as loudly and pleasantly as she could, holding the rickety door open for the mare as she cautiously made her way inside. Trixie followed her inside, letting the door shut behind them.
The outside may have looked a bit rough, and possibly dangerous, but the inside was... okay, well it was pretty much the same, but at least you couldn't tell because there was so much stuff everywhere that all the holes in the floor and the cracks in the walls were covered up. Trixie was rather proud of this fact. As she watched the mare look around in confusion, Trixie smiled invitingly. "Are you, perhaps, looking for something specific?" she asked, not really expecting a helpful answer.
The mare turned to Trixie, either fear or excitement in her eyes, Trixie could never tell the difference. "Wh-what is this place?"
Giving the mare a hearty slap on the back, Trixie laughed. "This is where your dreams come true, ma'am! This is—" she flung her hooves wide "—Trixie’s Magical Emporium!"
Her green eyes widening, the mare said, "I've never seen this place before. Where'd it come from?"
Smiling innocently, Trixie stuck out a hoof and poked the mare's chest. "It comes from in here." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "It comes from your heart..."
The mare glanced around awkwardly, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Um... okay. What do you sell?"
Trixie laughed, and then kept laughing, and then laughed some more until the atmosphere had become completely and utterly awkward, and the mare had started to slowly back away. Instantly, Trixie stopped. "I don't sell anything," she said, much to the mare's confusion. "I make dreams come true."
Glancing around, the mare said, "Uh, oooooooookay. So, let's say I had a dream of becoming a concert pianist... you could help me?"
A tiny smile formed at the corner of Trixie’s lips. She sincerely hoped it didn't look too sinister. "Ma'am, I can do more than help you. Wait here one moment." Hurrying past a row of bookshelves stacked high with aging leather-bound volumes and stuffed with jars containing sickly green liquid, and around a counter covered in assorted monkey bones and fish eyes, and behind a desk where a stuffed parrot stared vacantly into the distance, Trixie went into a back room, moments later returning with piano being dragged behind her. Once she'd set it down, Trixie motioned to the moldy cushioned seat and said, "Go ahead, try it out."
The mare took a few cautious steps towards the piano. After a moment's hesitation, she sat down. Glancing back at Trixie, she said, "But I don't know how to play the piano."
"Just give it a try," Trixie insisted. "I'm sure you'll have no trouble."
Furrowing her brow, the mare turned back to the piano. Hovering her hooves over the keys, she slowly lowered them down. The instant her soft hooves touched ivory, a cold, hard G note reverberated through the room. A moment later, her other hoof moved and a melancholy sound echoed from the piano as she started to play a song she'd never heard. The mare watched her hooves in amazement, playing seemingly of their own accord.
Meanwhile, Trixie stood behind her, a sly grin plastered over her muzzle. She listened quietly to the somber music, that is, until she was interrupted by the sound of the door being flung open. Trixie whipped around, scowling as she saw a pony she knew all too well enter. "Twilight..." she muttered under her breath.
Stomping her hooves like some great beast, Twilight thundered towards Trixie, her eyes ablaze with some kind of fire, either excitement or anger. Again, Trixie could never tell the difference. "Trixie," she said through gritted teeth, "what in the name of Celestia are you doing here? What is this place, and why are you right across the street from me?"
Giving a flick of her mane, Trixie rolled her eyes. "Do not presume that I'm here because of you, Sparkle. I'm simply here because this is the only location I could afford to open my business. The fact that you are near is nothing more than a nuisance. Now, why don't you run along and leave me and my customer alone?"
Twilight’s gaze shifted to the mare playing piano. "Excuse me, miss, do you mind stopping for a second?" she asked, her voice a little harsher than she intended. Turning back to Trixie, Twilight continued, "Trixie and I have some other business to attend to."
Trixie glared at Twilight, speaking out of the corner of her mouth to the mare. "Pay no mind to this... interloper, ma'am. She merely wants to get in the way of your dreams coming true. You don't want that, do you?"
Her hooves still moving across the keys, the mare looked nervously between Twilight and Trixie. "Um, look, I don't want to cause any trouble, so I'm just gonna—"
Trixie’s hoof shot out, forcing the mare to stay in her seat. Giving her an icy stare, Trixie said, "You stay right where you are and keep fulfilling your dream. I won't let any customer of mine walk away unhappy."
The mare grimaced. "I'm starting to feel a little unhappy right now..." she muttered.
Trixie’s lip curled into a scowl. "You shut up and play the piano."
Shrinking back into her seat, the mare gulped. "...Okay," she whispered.
Putting her hoof on the mare's shoulder as well, Twilight said, "Don't listen to this bully, miss. You can get up whenever you want. Like, right now, in fact."
As Twilight tried to force the mare to stand, Trixie said, "Hey! Leave my customer alone! She can play the piano if she wants to. She can leave her friends behind. Because her friends don't—"
"No!" shouted Twilight. "Don't you dare..."
Trixie crossed her hooves over chest, huffing. "I can do whatever I want. It's my store, Twilight Buttinski."
"Oh come on," said Twilight, rolling her eyes, "that wasn't even good."
"Like I care," said Trixie with an equally sarcastic roll of her eyes. "Anyway, why don't you just leave us alone? If you're really so interested in my store, I'll show you something you might like after I'm done helping this lovely young mare here."
"I don't want you to sell me something!" said Twilight angrily.
"Really?" asked Trixie, raising an eyebrow. "But it's an ancient, one of a kind book about horseshoe crab mating." Trixie waggled her eyebrow enticingly.
Twilight paused, putting a hoof to her chin. "Really? Well, perhaps—No." She shook her head. "What am I thinking? It's probably cursed to make the reader turn into a horseshoe crab or something stupid like that."
Trixie laughed awkwardly, glancing over at a bookshelf in the corner of the room. "Yeah, that would be pretty stupid."
"Anyway," said Twilight, waving her hoof, "all I want to know is why you're selling stuff now. Aren't you, like, a stage magician, or something?"
"I am many things, Twilight Sparkle, and a salsemare is one of them," said Trixie matter-of-factly.
Twilight pursed her lips. "Uh huh... whatever. Just tell me one thing, Trixie. Of all the things in this... I hesitate to use the word 'store', how many of them—Okay, seriously, lady!" snapped Twilight, turning to the mare playing piano. "Could you stop playing for five seconds so we can talk? It's really starting to get irritating."
"Don't stop playing!" Trixie snapped back.
The mare tried to stand up, but found herself stuck to the seat, her hooves moving of their own accord. "Huh?" she said, her face growing dark. "I can't move. My hooves won't stop."
Twilight rounded on Trixie. She cocked her head to the side. "You wanna explain this?"
Trixie huffed. "Obviously it's because she just loves playing the piano so much. You can't stop true passion, Twilight. Not that you would know anything about passion."
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. "I'll have you know I'm very passionate about many things, you hussie. Chief among them is solving mysteries, like the one we have on our hooves right now. So tell me, Trixie, what kind of curse is on this piano?"
Crossing her hooves, Trixie looked away. "There's no such thing as curses, Twilight. That's just a suburban myth."
Twilight jabbed a hoof at her horn. "We do magic! Of course there are curses!"
"You can't prove that!"
Moving her hoof to point at the mare, Twilight said, "There's your freakin' proof right there!"
Trixie waved her hoof dismissively. "That doesn't prove anything."
"Umm... can someone please help me?" The mare was starting to look desperate now, and her eyes darted back and forth between the two arguing mares. "I actually can't move."
Her eyebrow raised accusingly, Twilight stared at Trixie. "Well?"
"All right!" said Trixie, tossing her hooves in the air. "So maybe the piano is cursed to make you play until you die—"
"What!?" shouted Twilight and the mare simultaneously.
"—And maybe there's no way to break the curse. But you can't prove I knew that ahead of time. I'm just a simple mare with a simple goal, Twilight. I just want ponies to be happy."
"So you give them cursed objects?"
"There are many forms of happiness, Twilight," said Trixie with a sarcastic bite. "Who says being cursed isn't one of them?"
"Everyone!" cried Twilight, waving her hooves wildly. "Everyone says that!"
Turning her snout up at Twilight, Trixie said, "You don't know that."
"Screw this," said Twilight, shaking her head, "I'm just gonna smash this piano and be done with it."
"Wait!" cried Trixie, but it was too late.
As light gathered into a central point at the tip of Twilight's horn, Trixie held up a hoof to shield herself from the glow. Twilight aimed her horn at the piano and let loose a volley of explosive light that shattered the piano into million tiny splinters. The mare who'd been playing was flung backwards by the force of the blast. Shaking her head, she slowly stood up, looked at her hooves, shouted, "I'm free!" and then sprinted out the door, leaving Twilight and Trixie alone in the store with bits of wood and piano keys lying everywhere.
"Well, great," said Trixie, sighing, "there goes my first sale. I hope you're happy, Twilight."
Matching Trixie’s sigh, Twilight said, "I won't be happy until you tell me what's going on here. I mean, how much of this stuff is cursed?"
Trixie waved her hoof dismissively. "Only, like, half of it. The rest is normal."
"Really?" Twilight cocked her head to the side.
Laughing, Trixie said, "No, I'm kidding. It's all cursed."
"Dammit, Trixie..."
"What? Can't you take a joke?" Trixie sighed. "Of course not everything is cursed."
"Oh really?"
"Sure, like that lampshade over there," said Trixie, pointing to a lonely lampshade sitting beside a crystal skull and a wooden goblet. “It’s just a satin lampshade.”
“Oh,” said Twilight, her shoulders slumping a bit. “It looks nice though. I like the color. Reminds me of sunflowers.”
“I’m pretty fond of it, actually,” said Trixie.
Twilight shook her head, attempting to clear her head from the stupidity of everything. “Whatever, that’s not the point. Trixie,” she said, her voice suddenly becoming serious, “you can’t sell cursed stuff to ponies. It’s… well, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal at the very least.”
Trixie chuckled. “Oh, but, Twilight, that’s where you’d be wrong. In fact,” she said, making her way over to her desk, “I have the permission of the Ponyville government to operate my business here.”
“Wait, seriously?”
Smirking, Trixie slid out a drawer and withdrew a slip of paper stamped with Mayor Mare’s seal. She carried it over to Twilight and held the paper up. “This,” she said, shoving the paper in Twilight’s face, “is my business license, fool. I’m legally authorized to sell my wares here, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Try and shut me down and I’ll have you sued for destruction of property.”
Twilight pushed the paper out of her face. “Lemme see that,” she said, snatching it from Trixie so she could look it at unimpeded. As her eyes scanned the paper, she let out a snort. “Trixie, you cannot be serious. This is all one elaborate joke, right? There is no way anyone is this stupid.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Twilight,” said Trixie nonchalantly. “That is a legitimate business license.”
“No, it’s not,” said Twilight. “Look, see here?” Holding up the paper, Twilight pointed to the bottom where Mayor Mare had signed her name. “That’s Mayor Mare’s signature.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“...But it’s written in crayon.”
“And?”
Twilight groaned, rolling her eyes. “I don’t know who you think you’re trying to fool, but this is so clearly forged it’s not even worth taking it to the Mayor to ask her myself.”
“Who are you to judge what writing utensil ponies use to sign their names?” Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Are you really so prejudiced, Twilight? I knew you were stupid, but ignorant too? Tsk tsk.”
Shaking her head incredulously, Twilight said, “Why are you even continuing to lie? A brain dead sloth could figure you out. I mean, where did you even get all this stuff, and why are you trying to sell it?”
“For the last time,” said Trixie, more than a trace of exasperation in her voice, “I’m not selling stuff, Twilight, I’m selling dreams.”
Twilight’s eyes rolled so hard they flipped all the way around. “Oh puh-lease, Trixie. You’re selling lies and curses. You’re like a timeshare salespony, but somehow worse. You know what?” she said, glancing around the room. “I bet this stuff isn’t even yours. I bet you stole all of it and you’re just trying to make a quick buck.”
“What? That’s crazy,” said Trixie, tugging at her nonexistent collar. “What a weird thing to say out of nowhere. Why would I steal cursed objects? That would be stupid.” She laughed awkwardly. “I came by all these items completely legitimately.”
“Oh really?” said Twilight. “Then tell me where you got them from. You should have some interesting stories for all the items in here if you ‘came by them completely legitimately’.”
Trixie turned away from Twilight, flicking her tail. “I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not?”
“Trade secret.”
Twilight shook her head. “You’re ridiculous.”
Slamming her hoof down, Trixie glared at Twilight. “That may be, but at least I’m happy!”
Twilight’s mouth formed a thin line. “Are you, though?”
Looking at her hooves, Trixie said, “...No.”
“Oh, jeez…” said Twilight, taking a step closer to Trixie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“Oh, shut up,” said Trixie, stepping away from Twilight. “Just go away and leave my store so I can get back to selling this junk. I’m never going to make any money at this rate.”
Sighing, Twilight said, “You know I can’t just leave you, Trixie. This stuff is dangerous, and I can’t let it fall into the wrong hooves.” She looked at Trixie. “Well, wronger hooves, anyway.”
“Wronger isn’t—”
“I know,” said Twilight, cutting off Trixie with a wave of her hoof. “Anyway, since you don’t have a real business license, I’m just going to use my authority as princess to shut you down. I would say that you should return all these items to their rightful owners, but perhaps they should just be destroyed because they’re so dangerous.”
“These things aren’t dangerous,” insisted Trixie. She picked up a random object. “See this?” She held up a small mirror, causing Twilight to stare at her own reflection. “All it does is tell you your exact time and place of death when you look into it.”
Twilight blinked. “Oh, for the love of… Thanks, Trixie! Now I know when I’m gonna die… awesome.”
Trixie laughed under her breath, setting the mirror aside. “Was it at least an interesting death?”
“Uh… I guess if you consider the end of time and space to be interesting, then yes.”
Picking up the mirror again, Trixie said, “Wait, what? Let me take a look.” Furrowing her brow, Trixie stared into the mirror. Shapes began to form in the cloudy background of the reflection until they formed solid objects. Trixie’s face sagged, and she set the mirror down.
Twilight wait for her to look up before asking, “Soooooooooooooooooo… not good?”
Trixie hung her head, muttering, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“See what I mean about this stuff being dangerous?”
“...It’s not that dangerous.”
“That piano killed ponies!” Twilight massaged her temple. “It doesn’t matter. You don’t have a say in this anymore. I’m ridding the world of all this cursed junk. I know there’s gotta be at least one monkey’s paw in here, and that’s enough motivation for me to want to get rid of everything.”
Trixie brought a hoof to her chin while Twilight started gathering light in her horn again. “I don’t remember there being any monkey’s paws. There was a voodoo doll, and a puppet that contained the soul of a real pony, and I feel like there was at least one book that imprisoned an eldritch horror, but definitely no monkey’s paws.”
“Was there also a typewriter that wrote best selling murder mystery novels then made them come true in real life?” asked Twilight sarcastically. “Sheesh, you couldn’t even find any original cursed items. Like, what about a salt shaker that never ran out, but always made your food a little bit too salty. Now that’s original.”
“Original and lame,” said Trixie, rolling her eyes. “My dead grandmother could come up with a better curse than that.”
“Oh yeah?” said Twilight, the ball of light at the tip of her horn now the size of a large watermelon. “Could your dead grandmother do this!?” Swinging her head around ,Twilight launched the ball into the center of the room where it split into a hundred smaller orbs.
Before it hit anything, Trixie was able to sneak one last sarcastic reply in. “She can’t do anything. She’s dead.”
Light filled the room as Twilight’s cleansing balls soaked everything in their radiance. Trixie stumbled backwards as the wave of energy hit her. Twilight, meanwhile, hovered in the air, her wings opened up, riding the gusts of light-filled shockwaves. Blinding light prevented Trixie from opening her eyes for a few seconds, but when it was gone, she saw that everything looked pretty much the same. “Huh…” said Trixie. “I was expecting more, well, destruction.”
Twilight shrugged. “I just took all the magic away from everything. There was no need to actually destroy everything.”
“Well, that is what you said you were going to do.”
“I say a lot of things about a lot of things, Trixie.”
Trixie rolled her eyes.
“Anyway,” said Twilight, gliding back to the ground and folding her wings to her side again, “that takes care of that. Uh, I guess you’re kind of out of luck since all this stuff’s worthless now, but it was stolen anyway, so it’s not like I cost you any money. I know that you’re just stupid, and not malicious, so I won’t report this to the police or anything. Just… y’know, don’t do anything like this again, okay?”
Trixie would’ve answered with some kind of snarky reply, but she was too busy staring wide eyed at a book that had fallen off a nearby shelf and landed on its spine, half open. She began breathing heavily, looking wildly around the room. “Oh no, Twilight… you’ve done it now. This is bad. This is really really bad.”
“What’s bad?” asked Twilight. She laughed a bit, unsure of what else to do. “Did I make you lose your place in that book or something? I’m sure you can find it again.”
Trixie shook her head slowly. “No. You unleashed… him.”
“Him who?”
“Him, Twilight! Him! You freed him from his literary prison!” shouted Trixie as she started pacing in a circle. “Oh, this is not good. What do we do, what do we do?”
Twilight held out a hoof and stopped Trixie. “Whoa, calm down, Trixie. Who are you talking about?”
With slow jerking motions, Trixie looked up at Twilight, her eyes wide with terror. “Snog-Sothoth!”
Twilight was taken aback. “...What?”
“Snog-Sothoth! The Smooching Horror!”
“Who?”
Trixie grabbed Twilight’s shoulders and started shaking her violently. “The Kiss From Beyond! The One Who Macks!”
Squeezing herself out of Trixie’s grasp, Twilight took a step back. “Okay, you’ve completely lost me, and I’m pretty sure you’re just talking nonsense.”
"Nonsense!?" Trixie seized Twilight’s shoulders again. "This is deathly serious."
"Oh, I'm sure..."
Staring straight into Twilight's pupils, Trixie put on her most serious face and said, "Kiss me, Twilight!"
"What!?" Her eyes going wide, Twilight tried to pull away from Trixie’s iron grip, but to no avail. "What are doing?" she cried, knowing full well what Trixie was doing as she puckered up her lips and started moving closer to Twilight.
"We have to!" Trixie pleaded through pursed lips. "Snog-Sothoth demands it. If we refuse, he'll kill us both!"
Ignoring Twilight’s struggling, Trixie brought herself closer to Twilight’s face until their snouts were touching. Parting her lips, she kissed Twilight in the most awkward and least passionate way imaginable. It was like seeing two dolls get mashed together while someone tells them to 'make kissy face'. In short, it was the best kiss Twilight had ever had. Trixie, on the other hand, was doing her best to please Snog-Sothoth. She kept kissing Twilight until the other mare was finally able to work a hoof between them like a wedge and pry herself away from Trixie.
Sucking in air like a drowning pony, Twilight doubled over, wheezing. When she finally regained her composure enough to stand, she slapped Trixie across the face. "What is wrong with you?"
"It's not me, Twilight," said Trixie, moving towards Twilight again. "Snog-Sothoth is the elder god of kissy face, and if we don't please him, we'll be killed. I can't control what an elder god wants, Twilight, and you're the one who released him."
"Okay, hold up," said Twilight as she held out a hoof. "Back up and explain what just happened."
"There's no time!" Trixie grabbed Twilight’s hoof and pulled her in before the other mare could react. "We must kiss again!"
"Gah!" Twilight cried as Trixie’s lips met hers again and they engaged in another sloppy and wholly unsatisfying make-out session. Eventually, after Twilight unsuccessfully attempted to extricate herself again, she lit up her horn and disappeared with a loud pop. When she reappeared, she was standing on the other side of the room, wiping Trixie’s saliva off her mouth. "Did you use your tongue?"
"I didn't!"
"I swear I felt tongue."
Trixie fell to her knees and shouted, "Snog-Sothoth demands tongue! I can't help what he wants, Twilight."
"Shut up!" Twilight's voice echoed as the room fell silent. She let out a long slow breath. "Okay, just calm down for a second, all right? Can you just tell me what is going on without freaking out?"
"If we don't keep kissing he'll kill us, Twilight, so no, I can't stop freaking out," said Trixie, already making her way towards Twilight’s new position.
Teleporting further away, Twilight said, "Now just wait a freaking minute, all right? There's no way that can be true."
"But it is, Twilight! It is!"
"No, it's not." Twilight jabbed her hoof towards a table in the center of the room where the small mirror lay. "I already saw how I'm going to die, remember? So did you. It definitely wasn't because of Snog-Sothoth, that's for sure, so what you're saying doesn't make any sense."
Trixie froze. Her eyes went wide. "Oh shoot..."
Her eyes narrowing, Twilight said, "Shoot what? What are you playing at, Trixie?"
Shuffling her hooves nervously, Trixie said, "I'm not playing at anything. I seriously thought Snog-Sothoth had escaped."
Narrowing even further, Twilight's eyes pierced into Trixie’s soul, or at least her crunchy outer layer. She stared her down like a hawk staring down a mouse. "Does Snog-Sothoth even exist?"
"Well, I suppose that depends on your definition of exists, doesn't it?"
"Trixie!"
"All right, fine..." Trixie heaved the biggest most exaggerated sigh she could manage. "Snog-Sothoth definitely exists, but not in this dimension, and certainly not in that book. The only thing lived in there was a minor demon of squeaky doors."
"So this whole thing, from the store selling cursed objects to the mare with the piano to the mirror, it was all part of an elaborate ruse to get me to... kiss you?"
Trixie bit her lower lip. "Well..." she said, dragging the word out, "yes and no."
"Yes and no?" Twilight arched her brow. "Which part wasn't a ruse?"
"Well, it's not like I opened this store just so I could kiss you," said Trixie as she twiddled her hooves. "Though it wasn't not because of that," she added under her breath, quiet enough that Twilight couldn't hear.
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "Then why did you open it?"
Trixie shrugged. "Because I thought it would be funny to sell ponies cursed artifacts. Plus, I need the money."
"You thought it would be funny to sell a pony something that would kill them?"
"Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that."
Twilight tossed her hooves up. "It sounds bad when you put it like anything!" Walking towards Trixie, Twilight muttered something under her breath, then said, "Jeez, Trixie, you're such an idiot." She got a little closer to Trixie. "But y’know," she added, now just inches away from Trixie again, "that's what I love about you, Trixie. You're an adorable idiot. Come here, you."
Twilight wrapped her hooves around Trixie’s neck and pulled her into a tight embrace, opening her lips to meet Trixie’s. As they kissed, Trixie smirked inwardly. Her eyes drifted to the ceiling where a bottle hung down. Unbeknownst to Twilight, but very beknownst to Trixie, the bottle read, "Love Potion #9: Activated by strong magical surges."
Thinking to herself while metaphorically wringing her hooves, Trixie congratulated herself. Adorable idiot, or master tactician? You decide, Twilight. Oh crap... Trixie’s eyes wandered back to the mirror, her mind flashing back to the image she saw of two ponies kissing eternally. Unable to break away from the kiss, Trixie merely shrugged and thought, Worth it.
