Dark Lords and Ring Lords

by Dan_s Comments

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 38230

﻿A Dark Lord of the Sith and a new Lord of the Rings of Power arrive in Equestria. What will the Elements do? What will Celestia do? Will they ally with Equestria's enemies or seize everything for themselves? Why is Spike making tubs of popc

﻿Shortly before Nightmare Moon's return, a human arrives and sets up in the Minotaur territories. She wears the Ruling Ring she forged and a collection of the other Rings of Power. She is intent on wielding her power for her own goals.

A Dark Lord of the Sith arrives soon after and sets up in the castle of the Pony Sisters. Intent on finding a suitable apprentice. Will they ally themselves with Nightmare Moon and the other enemies of Equestria, or will they seek to clear the board of all opposition and claim the world for themselves?

What will the Elements of Harmony do? What will Celestia do? What will the other nations do? Why is Spike making wagon loads of popcorn?

Published 2014-09-28 05:20:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-06 01:11:40 UTC

1) Darth Bates - An Irrepressible Force

Darth Bates - An Irrepressible Force
by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc., Star Wars and the Star Wars Universe are the property of Disney and 20th Century Fox.

The six, brave souls stand alone against an immeasurable, immutable evil. Me.

The ponies of Ponyville shriek and scatter, to await the climactic battle in the safety of their cellars. I should know, I helped construct many of them.

"Darth Bates! We are here to arrest you in the name of the Celestia Solar, monarch of Equestria!" The purple unicorn tries to look and sound fierce, but I'd had so much fun with her during my time here, I just have to have some more. Besides, she's hilarious right after she bursts into flames.

I feel I should explain something, this really isn't what it looks like.

"It really isn't everypony," said the very pink Force ghost standing next to the chronicler as he penned the words.

Now you'll see why I call her 'the Pink Side'.

The ghost laughed.

You see I'm actually not evil, that's not to say I'm nice.

"You've always been nice to me, and Applejack, and Rarity, and Derpy, and Celestia, and Wendy, and,"

I am not nice to everyone.

"And Luna, and the third pony from the left in the Gala musical number, and that filly who lost her stuffie down the well, and Scootaloo," she continued.

Always insane is the Force.

While I'd like to think I'm simply entertaining myself, I am training some of them to be better and more capable people. There are a few who desperately need, but don't appreciate my teachings. But it did prevent a misunderstanding from becoming a tragedy.

"And Apple Crisp, and Marshmallow Sundae and Chief Thunderhooves, and the third engineer escorting the train, and the . . . Ooo! Neat fade to black! If I become a Sith Lord, can I fade to black too?"

Only if you study.

There were always plenty of stories written about the 'evil' of the Dark Side. Funny how you never heard about the evils of the 'light' side of the Force. The arrogant complacency and the determined effort not to champion justice at the grassroots level, you know, where the common people live, but to keep 'the children' quiet, so the 'grownups' can get on with their meetings and tea parties, and deciding how the children are to live their lives.

I won't tell you how much trouble I got into calling bullshit on the Jedi Council for their militant support of the status quo that let the Republic sink deeper into the mire of rampant cronyism. Or the reaction of my tendering my resignation and heading off to really study the Force. I think what really pissed off the Council was the whoopie cushion in Master Yoda's floaty chair during one of their periodic 'Impress the Senate/Awe the Puffed-up Yokels' appearances. Bounty hunters are cheap and easily available, and no match for a true student of the Force.

The Rulers of Equestria were a whole other matter, which I had to discover for myself. Not that they didn't make the same mistakes, they learned from them. With my help of course. They also were more hands-on as it were, and more likely to pay back in kind. Even when I was the victim, I thoroughly approved.

Rarity fitted the new gems to Celestia's gorget and hoof covers. "I must say, you do look very striking," she said, "Too bad the green coat is only temporary."

"I still have the shampoo," Celestia said and smiled at Darth Bates, "And it lasts a week?"

"Yes ma'am," I said as I set the quill aside. "And thank you Lady Rarity, for the 'horn writing' lessons." I raised a hoof. "I don't think I could have written the apology letter with these."

"You are serendipitously, a master of the Force, else only months of training would enable you to write with your horn," Luna said as she surveyed the apology letter to the Royal Bathers for nearly giving them all apoplexy. "Sister, I believe the Dark Lord has 'suffered' enough, although returning his gender and not his species would be a good step. Your student is high strung, and could use some unwinding."

While the three mares giggled, the three other mares, there being a fourth: me, I told them, "I'll take it. I'm starting to look at stallions funny, and have been getting these odd cramps."

The two alicorns looked alarmed and immediately changed me back.

"I take it you have learned your lesson?" Celestia said, towering over me as I crouched on the floor.

"First, don't involve noncombatants," I said, she frowned a bit, but accepted it, "Second, don't get caught."

Luna and Rarity facehooved as I vanished.

I thought I heard Celestia giggle.

It took some time, but I finally found a dark master who agreed with my ethos that the Force was not Dark and Light (note the capitals), but passionate and platonic.

The master I found followed the Sith traditions only slightly, but I knew I'd found a kindred spirit when he proclaimed me Darth Bates, as a protection against usurpation. If you need me to explain it, go away you aren't worth my time.

While both of us plumbed the depths of the power of the passionate side of the Force, we uncovered that the Force itself has a sense of humor. The joke it was playing on the Jedi Council and the Sith was more like slipping a laxative in among the chocolates and locking the bathroom door, and it would have much the same effect on both sides.

The passionate side has one big trap, it encourages and inflames passions. Not always the best thing when the monster doesn't see the monster in the mirror. The platonic side diffuses emotional energy. Also a bad thing, because shame and anger can be very good goads to action. Balance is the real key. To cool your anger so it doesn't burn those around you or your shame so it doesn't burn yourself, but not so much you cease to care about anything but your own tranquility. One particularly loony sect suggested it's acceptable to argue as long as you part in respect and love. Nice sentiment, but impossible to achieve. I prefer one of their other tenants: If your enemy is hungry give him food, if he is thirsty give him drink, for in doing this you will be heaping hot coals on his head. That's a sentiment you can truly live by.

Purple looked at the plastic-tarped books on the shelves, and the patched hole in the library's roof. Her eyes fell on the note labeled with her grinning face. She levitated it over to her. " 'My insidious, mendacious, perfidious, bovarist plan to steal your thesaurus has worked. Bwahahaha!'" She sighed and read on.

Spike located an invoice and a note on the repairs set at his eye level under a table, where Twilight wouldn't have seen it. It contained the names and dates of the contractors engaged for the permanent repairs, the deductible he'd have to pay them, and a request to return the tarps when the repairs from the latest 'Rainbow Crash' were complete. He smelled the smoke coming from the note Twilight held in her horn magic.

"I am not 'extra-specially cute Sparkley-Poo when I'm angry'!" Twilight shouted in all her adorable fury.

The young dragon decided he wanted to be a lot older before he commented on that.

I don't want to think about all the arrogant Jedi and Sith I did that kind of thing to, and the one very comely Jedi Padawan who was convinced I would slip something into her food or drink so I could 'take advantage' of her. Of course I wouldn't do that, it goes against everything I believe. But I did put something in the wallpaper paste she was scraping off the walls and eating, which filled her with lust. So I could 'restrain' her animalistic impulses and keep her locked away from me. She was thoroughly messed over in the head when she left, half-starved, lust-addled, and aware she'd eaten the only dangerous thing in the entire building. The food I'd offered had been completely safe.

I never said I was nice, and after all the things she called me and accused me of, a little turnabout was fair play.

But maybe I should introduce Wendy, the other, more serious playmate I had. She understood that 'good' and 'evil' is more closely tied to what the results are first, second your intent, and dead last by a country mile, the power source. A lesson I had to teach some of the people around here. My platonic soulmate and I did a courtly dance, for political reasons, but she was always there when I needed her, and I hope some of my teachings about the Force kept her equanimity when such power rested uneasily in her hands and on her mind.

2) Wendy Fischer - Lord of the Rings

Wendy Fischer - Lord of the Rings
Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc. The Rings of Power and characters of Lord of The Rings belong to the Tolkien Estate

"But dad!" she whined.

"'But dad' nothing," her father said as he packed, "You agreed to go, I'm sorry I won't be able to go with. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do." He tousled her hair. "Like I don't want to go on this business trip, but I have to."

"But it's all ponies!" she complained, "It's embarrassing."

"And the Lord of the Rings convention we all went to that Graham hated?" her dad asked.

"But that was cool!" she protested.

"Well, your brother thinks this is 'cool'. What people like is different."

"But dad," she complained, "Ponies are horses."

"Tell you what," her dad said, "To keep you from getting too bored. Or having to look at horses." He took down a box that had been a family handicrafts project. One she was particularly proud of.

Her eyes glittered as her dad opened the box. "You'd let me take those?"

"Three rings for the Elven Kings, Seven for the Dwarf Lords, One for the Dark Lord," her dad said with mock seriousness.

"That's not how it goes," she said as she looked at the collection of rings. She knew they were costume jewelry, not real gold and gems, but they were still beautiful.

"Don't raise up what you cannot put down," he said seriously.

"Like ponies. Why does he like that show anyway? The one with Megan I could almost understand, but the new one's so girly."

"Different people, different tastes. They've got tomboys in that one, wouldn't you like to hang out with Rainbow Dash."

"She's a jerk who only cares about winning, and looking cool. Spike's the only one worth the powder it would take to blow him up. Considering he is a dragon, that's a lot of powder."

"You'd hope he grew up into Smaug?" her dad asked.

"Naw, Smaug was dumb. He shoulda show up, said, 'my flame's hotter than anything you got. What's it worth to ya?'"

Her dad nodded. "Okay, pick out a couple, and we'll tape them up so you can wear them," he told her.

She missed her mom mouthing 'Thank you' over her head, and her dad's answering nod.

"For a girl who hates 'girly stuff' you sure love the bling," her idiot brother said. She wondered if her parents named him Graham as a pun on what his brain probably weighed.

She rolled her eyes, then returned them to the rings on her fingers. Nenya and a similar Dwarves ring were on her ring fingers. The one ring was on her thumb. All taped so they wouldn't slip off. The ring on her thumb was taped more than the others, to specifically not fall off. She didn't think it would do what the real one would do, but neither she nor her dad wanted to risk losing it. She and her grandpa had worked so hard on it before the accident took him away.

Okay, dad was right, she thought as all three, her brother, mother and her were shocked by the very large man wearing what looked like a severed pony head as a hat, and a rainbow tail coming out of his shorts. There are some very different people around.

She stuck a lot closer to her mother and brother after that. She also took off all but Nenya and stored them in the case in her backpack. Boring is fine, terrifying is not the way I wanted it to be, she thought as she looked around. Why all the excitement about a movie escaped her.

The fire alarm was not what anyone expected. Some people panicked, she kept her eye on her mother and brother, who sensibly headed for the nearest exit. She caught glimpses of them as people moved, they knew she was following, both had seen her, so she wasn't worried that they went through the door well ahead of her. The transition from dim interior of the theater to bright sunlight blinded her for a moment but she stepped forward and let her eyes adjust.

She started worrying the instant she arrived in the alley, and was alone. Even the door back to the theater was missing. "This isn't funny," she said and pounded on the wall. It looked and felt like brick. She looked around the bright, sunlit alley and felt her panic rise. "Wait, find a firefighter or police officer," she told herself. She looked at the rings on her finger. "And put that back in the box." She took off the rings and replaced them in the carry box. Some odd instinct told her to keep the gold band with the writing with her. She took the chain from the box that was for that very purpose and hung the ring inside her shirt and zipped her jacket up. She put the box back in her backpack and moved out of the alley onto the street.

What she saw had her retreating back into the alley. "Minotaurs. Lots of them. Unless they're Nimons and they're moving to their next planet," she thought and found herself clutching at the ring under her clothes. "Oh, My Precious is tricksey, makes me go to another world does it?" she asked, then sighed, "Well, sorry Gandalf, I'm not going to Mount Doom unless I get an eagle ride there. Teleporting close would be better."

She waited there, trying to think. But every time a thought formed, panic rose and she stared frantically at every feature of the alley for some clue where the door went.

Mom and Graham must be going crazy, unless this is one of those portals where no time passes. What if that door scattered everybody who went through it all over the place? They could be as lost as I am! she thought and felt an urge to run, but with nowhere to run too, she just shifted her weight from foot to foot.

She caught herself reaching for the ring around her neck. Then yanking her hand away. Quit being a baby, she thought, It's not going to magic you a solution. She looked at the opening to the alley. Naw, it couldn't be! She pulled the ring out of her shirt and slipped it on.

"WOAH!" she exclaimed as she looked around. The world was dizzyingly bright, not the dim colors of either the Jackson or Bakshi version of wraithworld. She spotted a faint, glowing crack in the brick work. She ran towards it, trying to keep from breaking the chain that held the ring. She leaned close, peering at the crack. "Mom! Graham! Can you hear me?" she shouted into the crack, then tried to claw it open with her nails. All they encountered was brick. "Mom! If you can hear me, I'm in another world!"

"They can't hear you," a voice she recognized came from behind her.

She cringed before turning. "It's a trick," she said as she looked at the figure. It was not the Eye of Sauron. "Grampa? But you're . . . "

"Wendy, you're looking in the spirit world. Do you think Nana and I wouldn't be keeping an eye on you?" the figure asked. Then rested his fist on his chin and tapped his nose with a finger. "Let's see, would Sauron remember how you got bit by that horse, right here?" The figure tapped the side of its neck.

"Or that you cold cocked the horse to make her let go," she said she ran to him, but passed through him, feeling only a spot of warmth and the familiar smells of paint, machine oil and varnish, and old books. Her love of tools and crafts, and reading had come from him.

"Sorry," he said as he turned around. "You can see me, but I'm not real enough to touch."

"What's happening?" she cried, "What is all this?"

"You're caught between the doorways. As far as Lizzy and Graham are concerned, you're just stepping through the doorway. You may take a little longer, but they aren't going to be pining away for your arrival. But for you, the end of the doorway is going to be a long, hard walk, in time, space and growth."

"But why?" she asked. She shook her head. "This makes no sense."

" 'Why' is difficult to explain. But there's a simple part to it. That ring around your neck, and the others in your pack are real."

She felt her eyes widen. "They can't be!" She fished out chain and held up the ring on her hand. "We forged this out of Merlin's Gold, you helped me carve the letters on the outside."

"And we purchased the others to have a complete set. A distortion of the historical events, but it doesn't change anything," he said as he looked at her slowly pointing to herself.

"That makes me . . . ?"

He nodded. "That leads to a few problems you need to know. First, if you wear the One, and any of the others, you would dominate yourself. Fear, hunger, need for sleep can all be overcome, but you need all those things. No food and you will pass out, same with no sleep. And fear warns you of danger. Second, if you pass those out to others -"

"I'd dominate them like Sauron did. So, it's safest to keep all of them," she said, "Got it." She grew concerned. "Grandpa, are you all right?"

"Tiring making myself seen. So I have to make this quick. I won't leave you but I won't be able to talk to you that often. The Rings all magnify the native power of the person. You aren't that powerful, yet. You're the best granddaughter I could have hoped for, but you're going to have to face a lot of problems and overcome them. It'll be hard, but the people here are going to need you desperately, and they're going to need the best you they can get."

"I'm scared," she said.

"So am I," he replied, "But I'm with you, even if you can't see or hear me. Your mom and Graham are waiting for you. Don't give up hope. You're the best hope these people have, and they can help you. If you let them. You've got a huge amount of power in a world where magic is a science that can be taught. Don't forget what I, and Nan and your dad taught you. Remember yourself."

She was standing alone in the alley. The wild colors of the spirit world swirled around her. She saw a streamer appear at one end of the alley, in a worrying color. Then at the other end, several similar streamers, and one of a pale blue. A minotaur burst into the alley, followed by several griffons. Another pair appeared at the other end of the alley.

"Leave me alone," the minotaur said looking between the two groups.

Why can't I get the image of Mrs. Levenson out of my head? she thought, remembering her school's elderly librarian.

"You've got all the money from late fees, we just want that, and no one gets hurt," the biggest griffon said.

This isn't right, she thought, then grinned. She walked up beside the griffon leader, a boy griffon. And kicked him as hard as she could. Her boots more than did their work, and she jumped back as the griffon kicked out, catching one of his friends.

"What's the big idea?" one of them complained, and got a wordless explanation from Wendy's hiking boots.

She scrambled past the confused minotaur and high kicked one of the lady griffons in the head, and the other boy griffon from behind.

The minotaur might have been an older lady, but she knew an opening when she saw one. She jogged down the alley and out into the street. Wendy fell in behind her, leaving a pack of very confused griffons behind. The minotaur quickly found a police officer and directed him towards the alley. He came sailing out of it in a heap, and several more officers and a few bystanders soon joined in and the griffons were carted off. Assaulting a police officer trumped attempted robbery, the matron minotaur was free to go.

Wendy followed her to the largest building she had ever seen. 'Grand Library'! she thought as she read the letters on the plinth over the line of columns, 'Labyrinthopolis' . . . where else would minotaurs live? She followed the minotaur in the main entrance and watched for any security guards or special locks. When the woman headed into the office areas, Wendy stopped and headed instead towards the card catalog. When she was out of sight of everyone, she took off the ring. Reappearing between two of the massive bookshelves and she started through the card catalog. Before computers, she thought as she felt relief that the writing, while in a weird font, appeared to be English. Elementary magic. She made a few notes on the small scraps of paper provided, and then headed off into the library.

There she stopped. She had absolutely no idea where to go. The library was not laid out in any way she was used to.

Panic rose up and threatened to overwhelm her. She briefly considered putting on two rings and compelling herself not to panic. She sat down at one of the small kiosks and let herself cry. She let every disaster she could think of race through her mind, sending her into another bout of silent weeping.

When she'd finally cried herself out, she raised her head, and noted a worried looking minotaur staring at her. "I beg your pardon, but we don't get many people looking at the stacks and bursting into tears."

She gulped. "Sorry. Just feeling a bit homesick, and the library is a bit intimidating."

"There is the help desk," the minotaur offered.

"Thanks. I think I'm over the worse of it," she said.

"You're welcome, always ready to help. Where are you from, if you don't mind my asking?" she said as she followed Wendy to the help desk.

"Not far from here originally, but the neighborhood is so different. The place I grew up in is gone," she said.

"Yes, a few of the old brownstones have been taken down, and new buildings put up," she said. They arrived at the help desk. "So, what do you need?"

"Frankly, a set of instruction. I copied these down from the card catalog, but I can't guess where the stacks are."

"Oh, maps are there, and there, and there," the help desk minotaur said, "Maybe we should put one of the maps near the card catalog?"

"Might help," the other minotaur said, "Anything else?"

"Yes, what are the hours? I didn't see them posted when I came in," she said. She realized with her ring, this was the perfect place to sleep.

"They're posted on the maps," the help desk worker said.

"Thanks," she said and headed towards the map. She sighed and started wondering about food.

It's not like I had much money to start with, and I doubt they'd take money as foreign as mine, she thought and saw all the books she wanted were on the upper floors.

The stairs were odd, and she nearly stumbled on them as she climbed several flights to get to the level where her books could be found. She was glad there were other creatures than minotaurs here.

No! she thought as a horse walked out of an alcove. She froze and stared at it as it walked past her. It was several moments before her heart slowed and she felt she could walk safely. That thing looked like one of the ones from the show, she thought and reached the section where the books she needed were. There was a desk in the rear of the alcove and she took the books there and began reading through them. Most of the stuff was kindergarten level, but some of the ideas made her head swim.

One thing stunned her to silence. 'Equestrian Publishing'? she thought and read the copyright page. Based in Manehatten. I'm in the show, she thought with horror and sat back to think. Now I do wish I'd watched more than bits and pieces. Help? Yeah, I really wanna get mauled by that pack of maniacs. I go to Celesta, she'll just throw me to Twilight, and then I'm her guinea pig. Besides, I'd piss myself if I ever ran into Superhorse. She took a deep breath and let it out. What could possibly happen here that the Mane 6 wouldn't handle? They were the disaster magnets, the only bad stuff they didn't react to, or cause, happened in prehistory. Am I in prehistory? If this is a thousand years before the show, all kinds of stuff could be happening pretty soon. And I'd know the details from my idiot brother's yapping about it endlessly. World, you're doomed.

It was about an hour before the library closed that she put the books she'd taken off the shelves into the return bins, and made her way out the front door. Some distance away she entered another building, checked that no one was about, and put on Vilya. She was delighted that she vanished from sight, and she used that to follow a late arrival back into the library unseen.

She was seated on a table as the librarians and the guards swept the area to get everybody out, then they locked up the library. Several security gates closed off the stairways, and a metal cage enclosed one collection of books. Other than that, the place was open.

She watched the guards do their patrols. They had what looked like a lunch-box-sized metal watch that had to be 'wound' by a key that was chained inside boxes at various points in the library. It enforced a rhythm to their movements.

Perfect, she thought as she slipped under the security gate and clambered upstairs on all fours to reduce the noise. At the top of the stairs, she added a dwarven ring to her arsenal, and began 'feeling' for the construction of the building. On the fifth floor, she 'felt' a large open area behind a nondescript door. She checked on the location of the two guards, then slipped inside.

Jackpot! A cafeteria! she thought as she moved through the darkness, aided by the enhanced senses of the rings. It's even got a kitchen. I hope they have some left overs.

She knew what she was doing was technically stealing, but she was desperate. If my stomach growls, all the invisibility in the world won't hide me.

She crept into the kitchen, and found a large walk-in freezer. She quietly opened the door and then made sure it had a way to open it from the inside before she went in. There was all manner of food in here, but what caught her eye were two large steel pots. She touched one and realized it was still warm. She opened in and looked in at what smelled like cream of broccoli soup. The other had a vegetable chowder in it. She took the pots to a secluded place in the kitchen and poured a large bowl full. Then she returned the pots to the freezer. She ate until she was full almost to bursting. Then she got sleepy.

Voices! She jerked awake. Oh no, the guard, and it's their lunch time! She heard them talking in the cafeteria proper. Was the soup their lunch? she wondered, but neither of them approached the kitchen. She stood and waited. A full stomach of warm, filling food trying to lull her to sleep, and the voices of the guards jerking her to terrified wakefulness. It seemed to go on for hours. But, eventually, they left the cafeteria. She waited until they were gone, straining to pick up any sound, then slipped out of the kitchen, and then out of the cafeteria. As she was passing the door, she felt a hollowness behind the paneling, and the hollow seemed to coil around and it spread out under part of the cafeteria floor.

Think about that tomorrow, she told herself and slipped down the corridor away from the guards back on their rounds. Exhaustion and the events of the day threatened to make her drop to sleep where she stood, but she knew she couldn't risk that. She searched with her eyes and her other senses to spot a place where she could lie down and wouldn't be disturbed. Someplace better than a broom closet. She nearly slapped her head as she guessed the answer. She headed for the office bathrooms. Sure enough, the 'women's' bathroom had a couch in the entryway. She'd always thought it was ridiculous to have one in here as if women were so delicate they needed someplace to lie down. Now she was grateful for it. The room was warm enough her jacket was enough. She curled up on the couch and went to sleep.

Damn chickens, she thought as the sound of crowing roosters brought her awake, This place doesn't open for hours. I don't need to be awake.

She roused herself, made sure she was still invisible, and slipped out of the bathroom. The guards were nowhere to be seen, or heard. She slipped back to the cafeteria and the mystery panel. She risked pulling off the rings and with them off and better light, she could clearly see the division. Okay, rings mess up your vision, she reminded herself, she replaced the rings and looked close. She could just make out the border. She headed into the kitchen and got a spatula. She worked it into the joint between the door and the wall all the way around. Then she tried to hook it to open the door, but several attempts made it clear either the door was bolted somehow, or the paint on the jamb was still strong enough to hold it closed.

So much for the perfect hiding place, she thought as she returned the tools and slipped out of the cafeteria, I need to find a map of this place. Or blueprints.

She waited until after the door had opened for 'customers' before removing her rings and reappearing where she was unobserved. She returned to the section with the elementary magic books and began going through them.

Oh! When I was in here I should have grabbed some scratch paper from the wastepaper baskets! she thought, There's no way I'm going to remember all this stuff. She sighed. That's it, I need to figure out how to get some money. At least for supplies.

She fumed for a bit, then pulled out everything she had in her pockets and in the pouches of her pack. All the coins had human faces on them so none could be just sold for the artwork. She strongly suspected that pocket lint was of little value, she needed the box and the rings. The mightiest magical artifacts imaginable, and I'm scrounging for pocket change! she thought angrily, I bet mom or dad, or even Graham might have a dozen ways to use these things to make scads of money, but I can think of one that won't get me tossed in jail.

She sat back and went back to reading. About lunch time she started to feel hungry. Nope, I have to wait until no one can see me, she thought, Before I help myself to their food. She felt angry with herself that she was so dependant.

I'm a kid, I'm not supposed to be independent, she thought as she got up and went for a walk. Her limited resources returned to her backpack and pockets. She traveled to the top of the library. Roof access was denied. But where she'd felt the one empty space near the cafeteria, over her head she could feel more. She returned to the steps and climbed up to the locked hatch that blocked the way to the roof. She thought about the nearly five feet between the top of the ceiling, and the theoretical entry to the roof.

There's a lot of empty space there. Storerooms? she wondered and walked through all the public areas of the top floor. There seemed to be no access to the area. It isn't for plumbing or air ducts, those have their own areas. Maybe they just walled them over and forgot about them? That doesn't make any sense.

She headed downstairs to the card catalog and a search through the history of the library itself.

She was walking outside after what she'd found. Mainly so her cackles of glee wouldn't scare the other library patrons, and so it wouldn't give her way. There was a way to those open areas, and they were huge, perfect for bedrooms. She was still grinning like a sugar-fueled maniac when the soldier minotaur stepped in front of her.

"No further miss, the area's cordoned," he said, not unkindly.

"Can I help?" she asked.

He seemed to grin at this tiny creature offering assistance, but he didn't patronize her. "No, there are hostages involved, and the pony who's got them is not someone you want to meet," the soldier said and sent her back the way she came.

The manic grin took on a grim turn as she turned and walked away. Horse, she thought as she considered the cache of items in her pack. Grampa said I'd have to be more that I am, and he said I could 'command' myself. She glanced back at the cordon and the building many of the soldiers were looking at. The idea formed. She knew it was like something in a bad movie. But the entire special effects budget is in my backpack!

She found a place out of the way where she could put on all the rings.

The plan was simple, and she knew she'd be changing it once she made contact. Getting through the cordon was the first test, and she passed with invisible colors. Getting into the building was the next trick, and that was even easier.

What she faced next, standing in a stairwell leading up, wasn't so much difficult as confusing. What is that? she wondered at what looked like a snake of fire stretched out along the stairway. It wasn't physical, she was seeing it in the spirit realm. Can I just step over it? she wondered as she approached. She jumped back as it coiled and hissed. Some kind of spell. But if I just snuff it out, will that alert the unicorn that someone is here? She stared at it, trying to see if any part of it led anywhere else. She decided to take a risk and just extinguish it.

The unicorn above didn't seem to notice. She crept up the stairs, and peeked her head up to look. A group of bound and gagged minotaurs waited. She could smell their fear, even over the petroleum smell from them.

He doused them in gasoline? she wondered, then spotted the small brazier orbiting above them, and the plan became simple: preventing the brazier from pouring down on the trapped minotaurs.

Then she made the mistake of looking at the mastermind opposing her, and her courage failed her. It was a horse. It was little, pastel, cute, but still a horse. She couldn't move, she could barely breathe. The powers she had, possibly the mightiest magic weapons on the planet might as well have been ten thousand miles away, instead of literally at her fingertips.

Wait, I can, order myself! she realized, and ducked down, so the sight of the creature didn't keep affecting her. The light clopping of its hooves could be drowned out.

Okay, she thought and concentrated, You will not fear the horse. You will not fear the horse. You will not fear the horse.

She felt her fear vanish, and she stood to peek in on the scene. She saw the hostages, the brazier that directly threatened them, and - the horse. It's hurting them, like it hurt me, like they always hurt the weak. It enjoyed frightening me. This one likes frightening those minotaurs. They've never hurt me, but horses have. She saw the steel folding chair and smiled. It likes frightening people, likes hurting people. Like that other horse, like all horses. Let's see if it likes being hurt! Let's hear it cry and wail and beg from something that doesn't care!

The dome of water went up to protect the minotaurs from the brazier, she sprinted past the chair and hoisted it up. It looked at the defense against its threat, and briefly saw the chair before she attacked.

Stop! Stop being angry! Stop hating! Stop feeling anything! she ordered herself and stepped back. Calmly and rationally. She looked to the dome as the brazier lay empty but still sizzling on the dome of water. The coals lay on the floor, soaked and extinguished, although some still steamed. She altered the dome to cover and extinguish them completely.

Then she looked at the bloodied mass in front of her. If she hadn't commanded herself to not feel anything, she might have been horrified. The unicorn was still breathing, loudly, wetly, but still alive. The chair was broken in pieces. Possibly the only thing that had saved the unicorn's life. She grabbed a newspaper off the floor and covered the bloody mass so neither she nor the minotaurs would see. The blood soaked through the ancient papers quickly enough, but she concentrated on the captives. She moved the dome of water into a wall and she began untying the captives.

"Listen carefully," she said in a high, wavery voice, "Step through the wall of water to wash the worst of the oil off, then go to the door and call to the troops that you are ready to surrender."

"We've done nothing wrong!" one idiotic teenager complained.

"If they shoot you for scaring them, how will that help?" she asked.

I sound like the Lord of the Nazgul from the Rankin-Bass version, she thought, I always thought that was creepier, and more appropriate for a wraith.

"Do as I say, and you will be well. Do it not, and I can leave you to await their finding the courage to approach. What say ye?" she asked.

"We'll do it," most of the adults said or agreed. She untied them and pushed them towards the wall of water when they balked at following orders of an invisible creature. The teenager took a little convincing, and more not to go over and kick the unicorn.

Once they were heading down the stairs. She thought about money, and that the unicorn might have some in the pack in the corner. She felt an opening under the floorboards as she walked towards them. And a familiar waiting snake of fire within the hollow.

This time she summoned the power of Narya and snuffed it out. Then she ripped up the floor boards and smiled at the cache of gems, gold and books. She left the books for the police, and helped herself to the money.

It's stealing, but it's stealing from someone who stole, she thought, without the faintest trace of guilt. That didn't set right. I should be guilty about this, but I told myself not to feel. She looked at the collection of bloodstains running together through the newspaper. Like I told myself not to be afraid. But I wasn't afraid, I was angry. It wasn't the one who hurt me. I could have just knocked it down. The dome would have protected the others. I didn't have to do that.

She trotted down the stairs after the minotaurs who were carefully approaching the police cordon. She headed down the street, still cloaked by the power of the rings, to not mess up them being recovered. She slipped between two officers watching the upper stories of the building, and then ran for all she was worth down the street. She didn't stop until she was inside the library and headed to one of the bathrooms. Once inside a stall, she bolted the door and began taking the rings off, leaving the dwarven rings for last. As soon as the last was off, the horrors she'd seen and inflicted fell full force on her. Waves of terror and rage chilled her to the bone. She bent over the toilet and shook with dry heaves at what she had done to a bad pony, but it hadn't done anything to deserve what she'd done to it. She'd worn magic on her hands that could have fried it alive, yet she'd beaten it with a chair until the chair began to break up, and almost thought of using the rings not for their magic, but as knuckle-dusters. She saw the face in the reflection in the water trying to puke up an empty stomach.

The cloth ceiling was new, she didn't remember any room in the library with cloth ceilings. Then the ceiling lifted away to give a vision of the ceiling of one of the offices, before descending again.

"How are you feeling?" the minotaur female she'd met on the first day asked.

That's a cloth over my eyes, she realized.

"Better, I passed out?" she asked as she adjusted the cloth so she could see. She saw the minotaur librarian, and one of the officers from the cordon.

"In the ladies room," the librarian said, "While you aren't under arrest, you are in 'protective custody', so the nurse can treat you. Now she may want to interrogate you. I don't think she's seen anything like you. She's down in the zoology department."

"She should be in mythology," Wendy said as she settled in the couch. She'd seen her pack, and it had been gone through. "I don't think there's anything like me on the planet. Unless some other ponies have as sick a sense of humor. About four years ago, I was attacked by some horse, and when I didn't die as I was supposed to. Well, you can see the results."

"That's why you panicked when you heard about the criminal? Don't worry, she's behind bars," the officer said, "She got a little too clever and blew herself up with her own defenses."

"It wasn't just that," Wendy assured the officer, "Just my fear, that maybe it was that horse, come to finish the job."

"Do you want to swear out a report?" the officer asked.

"Officer, if I thought going to the authorities would have done any good, I would have gone to the ones in Equestria. I have no idea why they turned a blind eye to what happened."

The officer nodded. "You really should get all that locked up, like a safe deposit box."

"If I announce who I am, then . . . " she said and stared at the officer.

"He, she or it will find you," the officer said, "In your travels, did you ever encounter a spirit who helped people."

"None that didn't have a body," she told him, "Why?"

"Just making inquiries," the officer said and left.

"You should rest," the librarian said, "I can't imagine what would frighten someone as badly as that. I'm, glad I don't know."

I'm glad you don't know either, Wendy thought as she lay there, I just tore into that pony. No one deserves what I did to it. I have to be more careful. If it's in custody, then it survived. I have to figure out how to better control myself.

She let herself fall back asleep.

The note on the desk apologized that she was locked in the office for the night, but there was a salad left for her, and the office would be opened when the staff arrived.

She shrugged and locked around the office. There in the corner was a blueprint cabinet. She nearly danced with glee as she searched through it and found the old prints for the roof, and the area where the cafeteria was now. There are the things that looked like apartments in the book. They're up there. But they're too small for minotaurs. Pony researchers? She also found a path to access the stairwell that led to the apartment under the cafeteria. And the quickest way is through the other apartments, she thought as she borrowed a couple of sheets of paper, and sketched out her 'findings' and replaced the blueprints.

She was done, rested and fed when the librarian entered her office. "Sorry," Wendy apologized.

"Considering what you slept through," the librarian said, "We figured you'd sleep until next week."

"Just exhausted," Wendy admitted, "I did notice that you have a blueprint cabinet. There's a large gap between the ceiling of the top floor, and where the roof ought to be."

She looked at Wendy, then the cabinet. "Let's take a look," she said.

"I'm sorry, I never caught your name," Wendy said.

"My friends call me 'Granny', I've long outgrown where my name is appropriate, I'll give you a clue, my family name is 'Cuddle'."

Wendy was briefly glad of the horrors she'd witnessed recently. It gave her something to think about instead of this massive creature having a long line of ancestors, male and female, all going by 'something' Cuddle. "Granny it is," Wendy said and let Granny get out the blueprints. It was the wrong one, but Wendy had to bide her time.

Finally Granny brought out the right print. And there it was laid out in front of them. "What are those? Storerooms?" Wendy asked.

Granny seemed shocked. "Let me tell the head librarian, then let's go look," Granny said, "You stay here."

"Can I check out the other prints?" Wendy asked. Granny just waved at the cabinet.

Wendy pulled out the others she'd checked out and pulled out her notes from earlier. When Granny, and the head librarian returned, they were shocked. "I study fast, I did some archeology and engineering work," she said.

With Nana and Grampa looking over my shoulder the whole time, she didn't add.

"Let's go. If nothing else, those rooms aren't on the inventory," the head librarian said and marched off, expecting to be followed. Granny paused to get the blueprint, and Wendy to get her pack. They were with the head librarian shortly.

The stairway up was in an office behind a pair of filing cabinets. Wendy giggled as the two, matronly creatures each picked up a full, five-drawer filing cabinet and set it out of the way. The head librarian produced a key and unlocked the door in the wall. Wendy handed her a yardstick she'd picked up in the office to clear the cobwebs out of the stairs.

The head librarian looked at the passage and handed the stick back to Wendy along with a glowing crystal. "I think you go first."

Wendy moved up. The stairway would have been narrow for an adult, but she could navigate it easily. The minotaurs had to walk up sideways and they were none too sure of themselves. The corridor the stairway entered into was also not scaled for minotaurs. "This looks like it was built for ponies, or some other smaller race."

"Griffons most likely," the head librarian said, "Ponies don't like to travel outside their homeland. Thank the Maker."

Somebody doesn't like horses any more than I do, Wendy thought as she cleared the corridor of cobwebs, half expecting giant spiders to come swarming out at the disturbance of their webs.

They reached the first door, and the head librarian had to go on her knees to get through the corridor. "Must have been built this way to ensure their privacy. That's probably why it's way up here, easy roof access," the head librarian said, turned the handle. Then shouldered the door open. She gasped at what she saw inside. Boxes and boxes wrapped tight in oilcloths. The clipboard by the door revealed what was within. The writing was old and faded, difficult to read by the pale light of the crystal, but it was the inventory the head librarian had mentioned.

"Biggest archeological find and it's inside an existing building," Granny said, "You know what this is, don't you Henny?"

"Yes I do," the head librarian, Henny, cooed delightedly. Then she hugged Wendy. "We thought this was all lost! Thank you!"

"I'm lost, what is it?" Wendy asked.

"A thousand-year-old cache," Henny said, "The history of the world before Nightmare Moon. Before the purge we foolishly agreed to."

"If you still remember it, it can't have been that effective," Wendy said.

"I don't remember it," Granny said, "Or the purge." She looked sheepish. "Officially that is."

"That's why I'm head librarian. There are things we have records of, which don't get disseminated," Henny said.

"But in a thousand years, this paper should have dissolved into dust," Wendy said and handed Henny the clipboard, "And the building is a thousand years old?".

"Not if the paper is actually foil. This is metal, not parchment." Henny stared at the clipboard, as if her eyes could burn through the metal, "And yes, the main structure is that old."

Wendy caught Granny's eye and smirked. Granny nodded. "Okay," Wendy said, "You've got these apartments to go through, I want to check on another anomaly."

"Oh," Henny raised her head and said, "Yes, yes, just tell us what you find."

Wendy took a look at the blueprint and headed off into the darkness. She hoped to find the crawlspace that led to the room she wanted access to. With all the bits I have, I could just buy a room, she thought, True, but where are you going to get more? She had no answer.

The crawlspace would never have allowed a minotaur through. She wondered what it was for since it was a tight fit for her, a human child. On the other side, she found the stairway. Unexpectedly, it went down a fair distance as well. The smell of death was strong in the stairwell, not decay, as the birds that had gotten in and not gotten out were long ago desiccated, but there were a number of them. There were also several doors, likely all sealed over. She noted them and then headed back to the two librarians. She had a mental list of places to check for doors later, when the place was closed.

"Find what you were looking for?" Granny asked from the third 'apartment' that they'd pried open. Inside were the same piles of oil-cloth-wrapped boxes.

"No, I couldn't get in. I'm small, but I'm not that small," Wendy said, "I hope that this was useful."

"Oh, terribly, terribly useful!" Henny effectively chirped.

Granny rolled her eyes. "I think the starving student was looking for a more concrete example of our gratitude."

Wendy shook her head, and received the gentle glare they must teach at grandmothers' school.

"Like a cafeteria pass?" Granny said.

"But that's for - "

"Staff, and patrons of the library," Granny said.

Henny brightened. "Yes, patrons of the library. Yes, that would be a very good idea. And we wouldn't need any authorization, or reveal what we found. Yes!" Henny gave Wendy a hopeful look. "Is that acceptable?"

Granny gave a slight nod.

"It's more than generous," Wendy said, "It means, I mean I am very grateful for the consideration. Thank you."

"Stop by my office before lunch," Granny said, "I'll have it filled out. But I will need a name to put on it."

"Wendy would be the best choice," Wendy said, "It's a very old, unfunny and complicated joke. But my grandfather and grandmother called me that."

"I am honored," Granny said. Henny kept looking between them, but held her tongue.

"Thanks, I'm going to go back to studying. Thank you and I'm glad I could help," Wendy said before she departed.

On her way down she visited what she thought were the locations of the doors. Only one showed any evidence and it was a broom closet. She didn't know who, if anyone had the key, but it was the best lead.

She left the building, bought some notebooks, and returned to the library to continue her 'studies'.

She left the library a couple of times during the day to cover not always being there, once or twice returning invisibility after another patron to later show up and have people wonder when she arrived. She ate in the cafeteria, testing out her pass that gave her lifetime access to breakfast, lunch and dinner. She sighed and considered if this was going to be her routine for a while.

Not if I can get one of those doors open, she thought and completed her study of basic magic for the day, and vanished from sight. An hour later, with the library closed and the guards far away, she fiddled with the lock on the janitor's closet. She discovered it was only stuck, and soon had it open, and then the door behind it. Glad there's a closet full of old mops and weird smells or this addition might cause questions, she thought as she wrinkled her nose at the smell of death in the stairway. The stairs rose to the apartment under the cafeteria. She could barely hope as she pushed the door open. This one had not been sealed long ago. The room was also filled with objects under oil cloths, but what was preserved were furnishings. Love seats, tables, and a bed. The mattress was gone, and so was any bedding, but it was a start. The bed was solid and all she needed were a few sheets and she could sleep there comfortably. I also need to get a couple of changes of clothes so I can wash these, she thought as she lay in the bed and let herself fade away. Secure for the first time in what felt like forever.

Celestia woke with a cry of terror, again. She felt little waves of the darkest magic she had ever experienced. But when she tried to localize the source, she couldn't. Not the town, county, country, or even the hemisphere.

None of the embassies reported a cackling madmare, or things that should not be walking the streets. Nightmare Moon's cult was awakening, but she knew that was inevitable as the thousandth anniversary approached. But there were no clues anywhere that whatever was using this dark energy so blatantly was announcing its presence to the world.

I hate clever enemies, Celestia thought, They are so much more work. Since she was awake, she drafted instruction to forces around the globe to increase their surveillance and be prepared to deal with this new menace 'expediently'. I don't dare let it make common cause with Nightmare Moon. We have to get her where the Elements can be used on her.

Celestia sighed and considered the short-term effects of her action. In the long-run, at least her long-run, none of it would matter.

After two weeks, her study of what the rings could do, and more importantly, what they could do together paid off. The rings also let her study faster and more effectively. If I could make those available, every kid in the world would want one, she thought

She'd also learned what using the rings together would do. No wonder Sauron wanted them all. They would have let him turn out dozens of lesser rings. Every colonel and mayor would have one, and be invincible and under his control. The ultimate empire, no need for reports, he'd just know everything going on and be able to coordinate everything perfectly. Perfect program, little script files living their lives.

Her first experiment of massing their power was beginning. The collection of dead animals and other detritus was being assembled by a small waterspout, and the bubbles suspended within were scrubbing the concrete floor. She smirked at her success as the waterspout wound through the spiral staircase and headed towards the hatch in the roof.

She climbed after it on the bone-dry stairway until she burst through the hatch, and deposited the mass in the trash container at the rear of the library.

With the exaltation of her success fading, she felt only exhaustion. Okay, I can do it, but it is tiring, she thought as she sat atop the library and looked over the city, the streetlights and the people enjoying the night. It was beautiful. But it isn't home. Where do I have to 'travel to' to get home? She felt the tears coming as she thought of home, and her family. I even miss that idiot Graham, she thought, I must really be lonely.

The sight of two, gray-clad pegasi almost invisible against the night-sky replaced her homesickness with raw fear. She managed to turn away and conceal herself. She took a few moments to get herself under control. I command myself to be calm. The fear was there, but it was more like the fear she guessed regular people felt when encountering unfriendly horses. What are they doing? she thought as she crept forward to watch them. The One Ring kept her unseen, and the pegasi were unconcerned about what little noise she was making as they scattered the pigeons who roosted all over the roof. She guessed that their clothing made them nearly invisible to normal observers, but they shown out in the wraithworld the ring placed her in.

She saw the tools they brought out of their saddlebags, tools to break into the library, and weapons to kill the guards. She dodged the guards herself, but they were just doing their jobs. Not while I'm a 'patron' of this library, she thought and lined up on the one still in the air.

The gap between the knuckles of her fist was an adequate gunsight. The firebolt surrounded one pegasus, and incinerated her feathers, 'ninja-suit', mane and tail. She dropped screaming to the courtyard below. Since she was still on fire, the regular police could deal with her. The other drew its crossbow and looked around.

She considered the spells she had and decided to test one power she hadn't had the opportunity to use before. She focused her concentration on the One Ring, and directed its power against the pegasus. She felt the beginnings of rage at this horse who wanted to hurt the old minotaurs who patrolled the library, and steal the books within. She directed her fear, her terror of horses into the ring and against the pegasus. It looked around, seeking what was worrying it. She poured more of her fear and terror into the pegasus. She waited until it whimpered, not seeing or understanding its fear.

"I'm not going to lie to you," she stage whispered, watching its ears twitch to locate the source of her voice. "You don't have a chance. But you have a choice. Surrender to the police. Or face me."

"Come out where I can see you and we'll see," it hissed.

"I am before you, and you cannot see, I am beside you and you cannot hear, I am within you and you cannot feel. Pitiful, winged thing that cowers in the gutters. Even so high, you cower and crawl," she hissed.

"Come out!" the pegasus demanded, "Who are you?"

"Your god stole the sun, but who made it? Your god stole the moon, but who made it? Discord stole Chaos, but who made it? You want to know who I am? I am I am, I was, and I will be, that is who I am. You who cower in the darkness, LET THERE BE LIGHT!" She hit it in the face with a beam of light like a searchlight.

It screamed in terror and flipped off the edge of the roof. The stupid thing forgot it could fly, so it plummeted and nearly landed on the police tending to its partner. Flashlights played over the roof and passed by and through her as they searched.

Okay, that was over the top, she thought as she grinned, But I didn't really hurt them. She walked to where the pegasus had been. Eww, she thought of what he'd left behind besides his tools and weapons. That's it, I'm going inside and going to bed. She left the roof and moved back into her room. The blankets she'd smuggled in wrapped around her and let her sleep comfortably.

Wendy watched the collection of minotaurs, griffons and a pony or two. The guards were assembling an absolutely massive table and a set of chairs in the middle of the area directly under the library's massive skylight. Wendy wondered what they were doing. Literary Society? she wondered, They cleared everyone else out at closing time.

She waited as the group socialized. She did note that several distinct groups formed and there were only suspicious or haughty glances among them. Henny was one of the few moving from group to group and trying to make peace. The first group Wendy labeled the nerds seemed to be of a more scientific bent as they set up several instruments at their seats at the table. The second group Wendy labeled the gypsies for the bangles and shawls, they looked like what gypsy fortunetellers would have looked like, if they'd been minotaurs and griffons. The third group were the ones neither of the other two wanted anything to do with. Ponies, Wendy thought and briefly considered showering them with books, Naw, the books don't deserve it.

The last group seemed to be well-to-do citizens swept up in the moment. Wendy would have liked to know what was going on, but only Henny was known, and she was extremely busy. She seemed to be herding the people to their chairs.

They clasped hands as the guards lit candles that had been spaced around the table.

"Oh, the vibrations are strong," the most bebangled griffon said in such a stereotypical manner she might have been playing a gypsy in a bad movie.

A seance? Wendy thought and tried to stifle her giggles.

"We humbly beseech the spirit who has defended our precious library to come to us and answer our pleas," the griffon said. Her melodramatic tone and the glances of the society folks made Wendy smile.

Oh good grief, they are trying to summon me, she thought and despite her best efforts she started laughing.

"It answers our call!" the griffon called.

"Why is she laughing at us?" a minotaur with a star blaze on his nose asked, "We want to ask you some questions, knock once for yes and twice for no, do you understand?"

The griffon fluffed her feathers. "Sir, this is my -"

Wendy stomped twice. 'Star' grinned at the griffon. "I'm a scientist."

"It clearly doesn't understand," the griffon said. All the ponies lit their horns and began looking around.

"It's a comedian," 'Star' said, he looked across the table to a minotaur who looked like a younger, male version of Granny. The other minotaur nodded to urge 'Star' to go on. "First, we'd like to thank you for protecting our library. Second, is there anything we can do for you?"

Wendy walked along the railing, rapping on it as she went. The collection below seemed content to wait, although the ponies were directing much magic in an effort so sense the invisible target.

"We." And the pony was shushed by both the griffon and Star.

"Hotdogs, enjoyed, on Friday," Wendy said in a high, shaky voice like the Lord of the Nazgul in the Rankin-Bass Return of the King.

"That's ridiculous," another pony said. And was shushed by nearly the entire table.

Henny spoke up. "We will have hotdogs for anyone who wants them on Friday. I understand. Do we provide condiments and buns, or just hot dogs?"

"They must be enjoyed," Wendy said in the same wraithlike voice.

"Choice," the Granny Jr. minotaur said. Henny nodded.

"Is there something you wish us to know?" the griffon asked.

" 'the end of the doorway is going to be a long, hard walk, in time, space and growth,'" Wendy told them. She heard the murmuring in the group below as they tried to figure out what she meant. Whether it was a riddle or some great revelation seemed to be a matter of contention even among the various groups. Wendy figured she'd had enough fun for one day and withdrew, ignoring the questions they lofted into the sky.

"Granny," Wendy asked as she arrived at lunch, "What was the big to do they had in the library?"

"Oh, they had a spirit raising to ask it why it protected the library from those cultists," the minotaur answered, "They tried to break in and they were prepared to kill the guards to steal . . . I can't say."

"I don't want to know then. So you said cult, what cult?" Wendy asked.

Granny leaned close and whispered, "Nightmare Moon. They were going on and on about it 'being her time', and they found out about what you found. So don't talk about it."

They must think those old records hold something of interest. But I already know what happens to Nightmare Moon. Something about stars and her defeat by the Elements. So what would they have been looking for?

"Put it out of your head, whatever you were thinking," Granny warned.

"Actually, I was thinking that there was one of the people who looked a lot like you. If you were a younger male."

"Oh," Granny said and blushed, "That's Tuxedo. He's an expert on magic and ghosts. He works on abjuring them, sending them home."

Maybe someone I need to talk to, she thought and concentrated on her lunch, It also means I'd better pick up on my lessons. If Nightmare Moon is going to show up, there's going to be panic when the sun doesn't rise. The local police are going to need a lot of help. Or do I stay back and defend the library from idiots who'll want to sacrifice it to appease whatever god they think keeps the sun working? Crap, I'm not even getting a grade and I'm studying harder than I ever did for school! It's not fair.

"Captain Armor," Celestia greeted her guard captain as the prisoners from Labyrinthopolis arrived, "These are the cultists?" she asked.

"Yes, Highness. The Cult of the Nightmare Moon. Same creature we sacrifice candy to on Nightmare Night." Armor sighed.

"You don't approve of the cult?" Celestia asked.

"Yes, Highness, I do not approve. If night eternal arrived, we'd all die. We'd either starve to death, or we'd run out of breathable air. So I don't understand what possible benefit they could achieve."

"It's the illogic you disapprove of?" Celestia asked.

"The waste. I can understand throwing your life away for a goal to better ponies everywhere. But throwing your life away, just so you'll be among the first to inevitably die? That makes no sense."

"Have they described what defeated them?" Celestia asked. She struggled to maintain her placid expression as Captain Armor stared at her.

"Yes, but what they describe doesn't make any sense either. Its name is 'I am, I was and I will be', and it appeared as a pure and blinding light. I've never heard of anything remotely like that even in legends. I can only assume they are trying for an insanity plea."

Celestia nodded. "I'll let you perform your more formal interviews. After which, I'd like to speak to them. I have some questions I want answers for that are not part of your investigation."

"Understood Highness," Armor said and bowed as she left.

There was a massive surge of dark energy at the time and before they were defeated. So the creature was there. I felt it before the attack, but during the attack, I couldn't locate it, even though I scanned the Labyrinthopolis Grand Library in case they were after that recently uncovered cache of books. Whatever it is, it seemed better at hiding itself than I am at finding it. If Twilight can rescue Luna from Nightmare Moon, do I send her and the Elements she'll have discovered to Minotaura to confront this enemy? I don't know, I just don't know. She walked on, lost in thought.

Anyone who follows Nightmare Moon is an idiot, she thought as she packed most of the rings away, and climbed into bed. For days she'd had the uneasy feeling something was searching for her. When she'd worn the One Ring, she'd almost felt the eye seeking her. It had only taken a map and a ruler to lead her back to the source of the feeling. And instead of getting her people ready for the showdown, Superhorse is looking for me. Brilliant. She stared at the ceiling and considered all that was going on. Her control had increased by leaps and bounds, as much by disproving what the books on magic said as by following them. Her power and breadth of powers had also increased.

How close am I to the other side of the doorway? Have I grown enough to pass through? she wondered, Maybe tomorrow would be a good time to return to the alley. The Summer Sun Celebration isn't for several days. So if I'm the back up against Nightmare Moon, I have a few days. I wish I knew, I wish I knew, she thought as she faded off into an exhausted sleep.

Once the chickens again announced the arrival of morning, she slipped down stairs and waited for the first of the library staff to enter, and she slipped out. The city was quiet this early and no one was in the alley where she'd arrived. The One Ring's wraithworld-view revealed the faint crack in reality. But none of the magic she'd studied, and none of the powers of the rings allowed for either dimensional travel or ripping open a dimensional rift.

Is the way out even through you? Or is it somewhere else? she considered and looked around for her grandfather. Then she sat down and began sketching a series of diagrams she'd learned about how to analyze magic. Trying to see how it reacted to various stimuli.

The trio of ponies walked into the library as soon as it opened. They stayed together and carefully walked the entire available floor plan. They marked down the time they arrived at certain corners, when they moved from one level to another, and when they saw anything unusual. They didn't know what the instruments in their saddlebags were recording, but they didn't need to know. As soon as they completed their circuit, they proceeded to reverse and cover the exact same ground and made the exact same observations. Once they were done, they left and headed back to the embassy to let the local experts go over the data.

Wendy watched the ponies leave and briefly considered trailing them. Her natural fear of horses kept her rooted to the spot until they were out of sight. Yeah, chasing something I'm petrified of is a great idea, she thought as she entered the library and headed up for breakfast. At least I have the diagrams to go on. She thought as she continued through the building she was thinking of more and more as her home. She missed her toys, she missed her bed, God Forbid, she even missed her idiot of a brother, but this was a place she'd worked for, fought for and felt a sense of responsibility for. I am going native, she thought as she headed up the stair to find them serving, hot dogs.

"Head Librarian, what is this?" she asked, then remembered it was Friday.

"Oh, just a whim," the minotaur said, "Open to all patrons. So you don't need your card." She looked a little worried. "You do enjoy hotdogs, don't you?"

"With buns and tomato and pickle relish, yes," she answered, alleviating the Head Librarian's concern. "But for breakfast is a little strange."

The older minotaur smiled and tried to gesture whimsically. It seemed a half-hearted attempt by someone not good at it in the first place. Wendy ignored it and enjoyed the taste of home.

"The day," Wendy said, then laughed at how pompous it sounded. She'd gotten to bed early, so she'd be up early. She slipped on every ring that she had. She wasn't sure where she'd be needed, so she climbed to the roof of the library and waited.

In the wraithworld, she saw the stars approaching the moon, and the 'mare in the moon' figure fading and racing towards, presumably, Equestria and Ponyville.

When the sun didn't rise, people still went about their day without concern. But she watched it seem to creep up on people. Glancing between their watches and the sky. Asking others around them for the time or if they'd seen the sun. The panic she'd been expecting didn't come, but the tension among the people was definitely rachetting up as the night wore on beyond its expected limits, and the sun made no appearance. Soldiers appeared in the streets, but none seemed to know what they were doing, other than offering their presence as reassurance.

When she saw the dark cloud of miasma racing for the city, she knew the plan had changed. Calm, you will be calm, she ordered herself and her magic lifted her from the roof.

Somewhere in the city, mages raised a shield. But Nightmare Moon shattered it easily. But she shied from a miasma that exceeded even her darkness. The two eyes of blue that glared at her from the cloud made her shy in the air.

"I AM NIGHT ETERNAL!" she called, but would not press forward.

" 'You cannot enter here!'" Wendy shouted back, with booming tones, in her wraith-voice, " 'Go back to the abyss prepared for you! Go back! Fall to the nothingness that awaits you and your Master! GO!'" she thundered, drawing all the power of the ring to place fear in the heart of Nightmare Moon.

The mare of darkness squirmed as her terror grew and she fought to overcome it.

In her own mind, Wendy fought down and subdued her own terrors at facing not a pony, but a full-grown horse. The thing that had so hurt her and she knew would hurt her again given the chance. But these people are less protected than I am, she thought and commanded her own calm, and found herself fighting her own compulsion. She balled her terror up, and thrust it into the One Ring to hurl it at Nightmare Moon. It was like a battering ram against the Great Gate, but Nightmare's uncertainty called to Wendy's fear, it almost welcomed it in.

"I am Night Eternal!" Nightmare began again.

Wendy interrupted with her laughter. " 'Old fool! This is my hour! Do you not know Death when you see it?!'" Wendy raised her unseen arms. The spells were so obvious, she felt the rings would have forced them upon her if she hadn't cast them herself. High above the city, an orb of brilliant sunlight formed and streamed down on the city and surrounding lands. It was smaller and closer than Celestia's orb, but for this area it would serve. " 'Die now! And curse in vain!'"

Nightmare raised a wing to shield her eyes from the light. "Impossible!"

'away behind in some courtyard of the City, a cock crowed. Shrill and clear he crowed, recking nothing of wizardry or war, welcoming only the morning that in the sky far above the shadows of death was coming with the dawn', Wendy thought as her hated 'alarm clocks' made their opinions heard, So it passes muster with them, I am so glad.

Nightmare's jaw dropped as another sound joined it. The cheers and bellows of defiance of the city below.

Wendy cast the same spell she'd used again the pegasus. Little more than a searchlight, but visible for miles and blindingly bright. " 'YOU CANNOT PASS!'"

Nightmare shied, casting darkness after darkness, but none could match the light that blinded her. She fired into the miasma, lightning, fire, and wind, but all her spells were superbly aimed, and Wendy was nowhere near the nimbus that confronted Nightmare.

"You have won this little victory," Nightmare said, and her voice cracked, "But I shall return at a time of my choosing!" She returned to her miasma form and fled.

Wendy returned to the library's roof. Once there had to sit down, the shakes began and she couldn't stop them. I can't do that again, she thought as her terror nibbled away at her resolve, I can't, I can't, she thought, But maybe I don't have to.

She kept the light of her ersatz sun above the town until she was too exhausted to hold her concentration. She let it go out and ignored the cries from the streets as she crawled back through the hatch in the roof and clambered down the stairs on all fours. Once in her room, she didn't bother removing her clothes still soaked in fear sweat. She bundled herself up to stave off the icy chill of terror and went to sleep.

Wendy had no idea where she was for the first few moments she was awake. She slowly became aware that she stank, was screamingly hungry, and that she was still exhausted despite being wide awake.

She sat up and moved to the bathroom of her commandeered apartment. The figure looking back at her from the mirror looked like a Halloween costume, hair sticking up at all angles, bloodshot eyes and an expression that defied her attempts to describe it. She splashed some water on her face, and tried to convert the jungle on her head into something approaching a human hairstyle. She also resolved she wasn't going to go out into the library until she could actually think without flashing lights exploding in her vision.

"She stared again at the figure in the mirror and told her to get some sleep," Wendy said, "Except I'm wide-awake. I just feel awful." She managed a half smile at that. She carefully ran some water in the tub, took off her clothes and washed herself. She'd wash her clothes later, but she needed to get out and see if the sun had indeed risen.

The library was dark, and the clock indicated it was night time. Outside the library people were cleaning up after what appeared to be a citywide party.

Well, maybe they did win, Wendy thought and considered just doing her laundry and returning to bed, Was beating Nightmare Moon enough? Or will I have to face another stretch of villains? I can't think they'd be too tough. I took down the biggest one, and the others can't be as formidable.

She turned and headed back to her room.

The streets were a happy madness. It was noon, the day after she'd fought Nightmare Moon. On the front steps of the library, Henny was serving hotdogs and seemed to be enjoying herself capitally. Wendy noted that the Head Librarian glanced at a vendor giving away salads, so Wendy picked one up for Henny.

"Thank you!" the older minotaur said, "Quite a day."

"I'll say. I almost can't believe what I saw at what was supposed to be sunrise," Wendy said as she got a hot dog exactly as she liked them.

Someone was paying attention that Friday, Wendy thought.

"Yes. The last time Nightmare showed up, there was a massacre. I'm just glad our friend drove her off," Henny said, "You might not have been, but I was worried when her sun winked out. Of course the regular sun rose about 15 minutes later, so the whole planet is celebrating."

"Any news that Princess Celestia's sister has returned," Wendy asked, "Oops, I wasn't supposed to mention that."

"Maybe I would have been shocked yesterday, but that's part of what today's party is about. As well as yesterday's party being a slapdash patchwork of neighborhood affairs. This is the whole nation celebrating," Henny promised. "I'm afraid the library is closed today, and maybe tomorrow."

"Well, do you need a hand?" Wendy offered.

The old minotaur grinned and nodded to the partially-sliced onions.

Wendy finished with the onions, and spelled Henny to let her go wander. When the minotaur returned, Wendy wandered.

Weird, I can't go two blocks without seeing someone selling hotdogs, she thought and walked over to the 'games of skill', They're probably all rigged, but I can deal with that. She felt the weight around her fingers, but she'd figured out Galadriel's trick of turning the rings invisible.

She went to the ring toss, and discovered she had a problem other players didn't, actually two. She was short, so had to toss the rings awkwardly, and second, she did NOT want to win the first prize. The huge, stuffed Celestia toy glared down at her, as if threatening her for having taken the tiniest sliver of credit for defeating Nightmare Moon away from Superhorse's Chosen One, Twilight Sparkle.

She nearly had to compel herself not to bolt, but managed the fear. What she wanted was the third prize, a comforter with lots of griffon chicks and minotaur pups playing in snow. With that won, and awkwardly stuffed in her pack, she headed toward a shooting gallery. Spring-loaded rock throwers rather than air rifles. The sights were off, but after two shots, she knew enough to compensate. Again she had to carefully lose, since the first prize was another horse prize. She wanted the pillows.

Oh, they weighted those targets, getting third is going to be easy! she thought happily and added the pillows to her hugely overburdened pack. Finally not having to sleep on a rolled up blanket, this is going to be so much better.

She toured the fair and ate enough to hold her over until the library opened. Then she slipped out of sight and back to her hatch and down to her room for a good night sleep.

Several weeks of practicing, several weeks of studying, and some days of goofing off and playing pranks on the late-night muggers had come to this. Why are ponies such a problem? she wondered as she stalked across the roof. This one was a firebug. The few griffon officers the local police had were not enough to corral this idiot.

She watched the pony pour the oil-smelling liquid in the building's gutters. She touched Narya and slowly concentrated on fire, the shape, the feel, almost the spirit. The bastard dropped a match, and nothing happened. The pony panicked and dropped another and another. She strained, but the fire would not light. She held her strength against the natural tendency to light.

Then the spray from the fire brigade's hoses hit the pegasus. It squealed as it tried to find the air, but the water had found its wings.

She ignored the impulse to kick it off the roof and let it fall the eleven stories to the pavement, and the growing mob who realized the arsonist was nearly in their grasp. She also resisted the impulse to simply set it on fire.

It would be poetic justice, she thought, No it wouldn't, it hasn't killed anyone yet.

She considered briefly letting it do something foolish, when a team of commandos came over the sides of the building and threw nets over it. She hadn't heard them and was nearly trampled by one. Their people are getting better, she thought as she moved away from the contest. The hose kept playing over the roof to wash down the flammable liquid the pegasus had been planning to use.

She waited until they had vacated the roof before she climbed down and returned to the library.

4) Tog Lalaith Ar Dagnir Mokaarwa

Tog Lalaith Ar Dagnir Mokaarwa (Bring laughter and slayer hate-possessor)
Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc., Star Wars and the Star Wars Universe are the property of Disney and 20th Century Fox, the Rings of Power and characters of Lord of The Rings belong to the Tolkien Estate.

Wendy avoided yet another pony 'wandering' through the library. They weren't doing anything against the rules, but she recognized schoolyard bully tactics when she saw them. They'd tried to box her in twice and 'just ask some questions'. She'd pulled out a pencil and advanced. After she had ordered herself not to feel fear or remorse. They had done what bullies always did, rushed off and accused their victim of starting something.

After a couple weeks of ponies turning her refuge into a house of horrors, she waited outside the Equestrian Embassy. She'd briefly considered simply burning the place to the ground.

That would give them what they want, she thought, I'm glad I could talk to grampa, this is better. Just put their actions at the library in proper context.

Narya gave her massive 'fire' power. It also gave her excellent fine control. The message she burnt into the wall of the embassy didn't set the place on fire, but they'd take a long time to erase it. Now that they have their answer, I'll go home, I mean my room, and wait.

She laughed at the effect this would have and decided that it would be fun. I can always escalate to some of Graham's stupid pony saying later, she thought.

"Have you seen this?!" Granny nearly threw down the paper in front of Wendy. Wendy never remembered seeing Granny so angry.

"No," Wendy said softly, forcing Granny to either calm down, or redirect her anger.

"I'm sorry, but it is so," Granny said through clenched teeth, then she growled and blew steam out of her nose.

Wendy looked at the paper, and read. " 'Stupid minotaurs, if you think you have the right to read, you can kiss my sexy flank, Celestia'." Celestia's profile with a grin stood beside the words burnt into the side of the building.

"That's why all those ponies have been in here. Harassing our clients. Harassing the staff. How DARE they?!"

"What are you going to do?" Wendy asked, "You can't simply deny ponies the right to come in here, then you'd be as bad as they are."

It was the same, idiot nonsense she'd heard on endless television shows and from particularly stupid adults. Grampa explained the difference is, when I've beaten you, I'll stop, you'll go after someone else.

She watched the librarian fume, but she was also struck by the problem.

"We'll figure something else out," Granny said, "But we're not going to tolerate the harassment anymore. If we have to call the police, we will."

"I think the police are going to be busy," Wendy said, "If the crowd around the embassy is any indication."

Celestia threw down the paper, and briefly considered burning it to ashes. "This is not to be reported or even mentioned around Princess Luna, is that understood?" Celestia asked Shining Armor and the members of the palace servants' and guards' leadership.

All nodded their agreement, as horrified by the implications as Celestia was.

"Thank you, Captain Armor will you stay?" she asked, and the others filed out. She placed the broadsheet on the table in her 'day room', smoothed it out and stared with hatred at the words.

'With my Sister back, I can finally civilize you barbarians' had appeared overnight emblazoned across the walls of the embassy. This second message had been unsigned, every minotaur in Labyrinthopolis had instantly assumed it was Princess Celestia's stated word.

The diplomatic pressure from every nation was mounting, except, worryingly, Minotaura. They had accepted explanations without comment, had printed the Equestrian retractions and defense in their papers without any censorship or manipulation. They had not commented on the truth or falsehood of any allegation. 'No comment' seemed to be their new watch word. Which had fueled the anti-Equestria hysteria.

Then, they had started putting up recruitment posters for the Minotauran military. No anti-Equestrian rhetoric or images, just the Minotaur king looking sad but resolute, and the message, 'In trying times, your country needs you'.

"At their current rate, they'll have tripled the size of their military in six months," Armor said, "Although with the cordon they've thrown around the embassy and the consulates, they may need those troops just to keep order."

"How was it done?" Celestia asked. She'd felt the sharp pulse, but it was infinitesimal, until the morning brought the messages to light.

"By no magic anyone in the embassy could feel," Armor said, "It became apparent to them, when it became apparent to the people in the streets."

Celestia frowned at that. It was too subtle to be the cult, and with the rash of pony crazies, the minotaurs were already primed to think negatively of ponies. Her 'investigations' had played right into her enemy's hooves/hands. "How did it happen, do they know?" Celestia asked, "They found the exact weak point and struck it. We went from learning all we could about them, to being totally on the defensive."

"I don't know highness. But we have an additional resource, one that could slip in and do our surveillance without attracting anti-pony attention," Armor said.

Celestia nodded. "Have someone brief Darth Bates and ask him to head to Labyrinthopolis."

Darth Bates had performed his revenge, I think and avoid cackling as I walk the streets of the minotaur capital, And the idiots who'd been harassing minotaurs had their real actions revealed to the Diarchs. I'd also discretely, and discreetly, sent a message to Shining Armor that Special Forces also need go to charm school. The automatic assumption that they were so tough that where they rested their hooves was Equestrian soil by fiat didn't work on more subtle missions.

I don't like leaving Equestria, I think, there had been subtle tremors in the Force that had been growing. Either there is going to be an explosion, or the tremors will shake the place to pieces slowly. I want to be there to help when they need it.

The streets of Labyrinthopolis are unusual in one respect, that vastly differs from what I'd been told to expect. Running into a minotaur on the street would generally require an apology, and surviving a punch. That rule seems to have changed.

Second, nearly every single person: minotaur, griffon, or other, old, young, and in-between, seems to have their nose or equivalent stuffed in a book, and possession of such seems carte blanche immunity to being challenged. And being run into despite your best effects, is instantly forgiven with 'I'm very sorry, I was looking for a book store.'

About the most aggressive response is one buck picks me up and set me down facing one, and growling a warning about watching where I was going. Then stuck his nose back in his book and starts marching off. The bookstore is doing a land-office business, and its windows have posters of the minotaur king pointing at the passers by, the legend read 'Read, because you can.' Not 'while you can' but 'because you can'. The official buildings have that, along with the posters of the king 'In trying times, your country needs you'. There are minotaurs in uniform everywhere, many reading military manuals.

Sparkle made a potion that converted everyone dosed with it into her, except it didn't change their gender or species. Diabolical! I'll have to compliment her. The Equestrian embassy is cordoned by a battalion of minotaur soldiers. Including at least two precision drill teams. While the soldiers may look like tourist traps, they watch everything, and they aren't about to let trouble happen on their watch.

The griffon embassy is very different, almost festive. They have great banners 'Read the History and Literature of your staunchest allies', and similar missives. They have two kiosks set up, one has a flag waving above the besieging crowd 'Read', the other doing a slower, more civilized business has a flag that says simply 'Buy'. Presumably, 'Read' is giving away cheaper, or smaller versions of what 'Buy' is selling.

"What do you recommend?" I ask. I am on an expense account, and I need to buy Purple an 'I'm still alive' present.

"The Omnibus Edition of the Plays and Sonnets of Shake Spear, The Complete Poetry and Essays of Bludyard Crip'-Wing, and The History of the Griffon People by Wing-Storm Chirp Hill," the griffon says. Each offered volume would have gagged a hydra. You could have torn any into thirds or quarters and still have sufficient mass to block those massive throats.

"I'll take the leather bound set for the library at home, and the hardback for walking around reading," I say.

The first sour note comes as the griffon looks at the Equestrian bits. "You might want to go inside and get those changed."

"I understood that bits were accepted everywhere." I know for a fact that minotaur and griffon coinage exactly duplicated Equestrian bits in weight and purity, so they would be interchangeable.

"That isn't perfectly true anymore," the griffon says.

I realize that the griffon and minotaur leaders are both taking advantage of the hysteria, and doing their best to quell it. The eager, patriotic hotheads are being welcomed into the military in droves, to deal with the self-interested hotheads, and to form a reserve if a natural disaster strikes. They also are making the otherwise innocuous act of reading a show of defiance against the Equestrians. It's a well-thought out and wholly civilized response to the provocation. I heartily approve. They are behaving in an infinitely more adult way than the Equestrian rulers, especially when they found out what had happened.

It's unusual to watch the very face of serenity have a grand mal freak out. It's also funny as hell.

"It defeated Nightmare Moon. I felt it! All that dark energy," Celestial ranted, yes ranted. Disheveled mane, wild eyes, pacing putting everything in her path in jeopardy, the whole package, proving once again that Twilight can't do anything that Celestial can't do much better.

"Funny how it created a SUN with all that 'dark' energy," I commented, having escaped death (and the party afterward which would have been worse) by careful use of my special powers.

Celestia paused, letting that little fact fall into the abyss of her paranoia.

"That it didn't harm Nightmare as much as scare the pronk out of her helps," I added, not that it dissuaded Celestia's increasing hysteria.

"What will it do next, turn on Equestria? Reclaim my sister? Enslave the Minotaur lands? Enslave the griffons?" she asked as she paced and gesticulated with wings and tail.

Time to put a stop to this, I thought as she stepped in her way and let her run into my seeming.

"Oh, pardon -"

"You know," I said, tapping my chin, "I think you like the idea."

"What?" she asked, not confused but shocked.

"Well, big, deep, dark monster, this one so powerful it gently flicked Nightmare away from its chosen territory, and it talked first. So you can just imagine, groveling before it, offer your crown, your life, your body that it leaves your ponies alone. I think that it appeals to your martyr complex. Getting chained up and terrified of what it will do to you, but knowing your ponies are safe."

"That's DISGUSTING!" Celestia shouted.

I just pointed to her completely poofed out wings. "It's your fantasy not mine."

She looked appropriately horrified and began preening down her wings.

"That is not a fantasy of mine!" she exclaimed.

"No shame in thinking about what you can never have," I told her, "After all, it might be nice not having to worry about everything for a while. 'Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage'. Everyone assumes that means you can't be imprisoned by someone locking you up. It also means you don't have to have the trappings of a prison, for some place to be a prison. Even a throne room can feel a prison, if you can never escape it."

She frowned, but seemed to have left her madness behind.

I accept the books from the griffon, and get past the embassy guard with the explanation I need to exchange currency. A few minutes later and 5% slimmer in funds, I exit with all minotaur and griffon currency. The Grand Library, which seems to be the nexus of all activity is my next stop.

It has the 'Read, because you can' banners, and also is doing a land office business, although they seem to be limiting people to taking out one book at a time.

I approach one of the guards standing tall at the entrance. He gives me a once over and seems to accept I'm not a pony harasser.

"I beg you pardon, but I purchased a set of books from the embassy, and I don't want to cause trouble on the way out."

The guard nods. "We've been briefed on the griffon books. Just show your pack on the way out."

"Thank you." I head inside.

The inside is almost as chaotic. The people are reading as if the embassy message were accurate and reading were to be going out of style. I open my senses and walk the halls, trying to find something, anything of this anomaly. Since it seemed focused on the library, it logically would have a focus here. The event that stuns me is walking by an alcove, seeing a girl in there who wouldn't draw a stare on Alderaan or a hundred other worlds, but my Force senses tell me she isn't there.

Darth Bates watched the girl, if girl she was, study the texts, make notes on her papers, and be completely 'not there' as far as the Force was concerned.

Wendy had giggled about the sudden increase in the library's 'business' and the minotaurs' defiance of what was already being called 'the Equestrian Mandate'. In smiley rainbow land, they aren't going to start a war, she thought and simply continued on her studies.

Darth Bates hadn't detected any more active defenses, she seemed to be using only invisibility to protect herself. Very clever, or very foolish, he thought, We shall see.

She looked up at him and her hands tightened to fists. He gave her a slight bow but stood his ground.

"Please to make your acquaintance," he said, "My name is Darth Bates."

She tensed at 'Darth' rather than reacting to the entire name.

So she knows something about the Sith, this could be bad, or good, he thought.

She watched him closely, but her grip on the invisible rings, and an array of battle spells didn't relax an iota.

"May I," he indicated the chair nearest him, farthest from her.

"If I say no?" she replied.

"Then I leave," he replied and waited.

She nodded.

"Since you already reacted to 'Darth', you know the Sith and some of their more flamboyant and stupid practitioners," he said hoping that the creature who had likely sent Nightmare Moon packing would listen to reason. "I am more of a hybrid. I see the passion of the Dark Side and the detachment of the Light Side as complements not opposites."

She was listening, but ready for a trick. He moved on, realizing that openness would be the best course.

"Outside is a perfect example of my beliefs. Great passions, inflamed to right wrongs, but the ordinary people have channeled it into a quiet defiance. And a peaceful challenge to Equestria."

She nodded, but her suspicions were not reduced. "Then why are you sitting here chatting? Why not do something rash for the greater glory of Equestria?"

He ignored the childish taunt. "Because Equestria's greatest glory is its tolerance."

She snorted with laughter at that.

"I never said it was common," he replied. "Now let me tell you something about you."

She tensed but held her fire.

"Your defense is complete invisibility to scans. But because you remain visible, you are a sore thumb to anyone who actually comes and looks. Your two alternatives are arguably worse. Let out a low level signal, but that would give you away by letting you be tracked by the very steadiness of your signal. Or, randomly vary your signal over a low-energy band. You'd appear like everyone else, but that would take considerable concentration. So neither are better."

She'd relaxed slightly, but she still held her suite of attacks ready.

"The other thing is you're human, or appear to be. That makes you a rare creature here. Third, I don't think the Equestrians realize what an overwhelming force drove off Nightmare Moon. Not imprisoned, not battered into insensibility, drove off. The creature that embodied all ponies fears fled in alarm. What manner of creature could do that?"

She watched him and knew he was lulling her into a relaxed state, but she dragged herself mentally back to alert. "You can ask any of the hundreds of thousands of witnesses."

"Yes, but they can't tell me if the creature is a threat to Equestria, or merely a guardian of the Minotaur territories," he said, watching her reaction and getting very little, "The difference I think you can guess is immense."

"Not my greatest concern," she said.

Unless someone makes it mine, she thought.

"So the question becomes, 'what do you want?'" he said.

"I want to go home," she replied, her tension was there, but it was no longer concerned but a coiled spring ready to strike. "But since we're trading magic tricks, everything the ponies wove and sealed, is coming undone. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Sombra, Tirek. And other forces have set their sights on Equestria. The Changelings see it as a fat, happy land ready for their tender care. Thousands of bright, shiny morsels on legs. They aren't wrong."

A kindred spirit, he thought, Give everyone a sharp wake up call, and get them prepared for her, and thus be more ready to face their real enemies. Quite the scheme.

She kept expecting him to whip out his light saber and strike. At the first hiss, she'd go invisible and blast him with everything she had. He might deflect it all, but I should be able to slip away, she thought, This is not the fight I want.

"And what is your purpose?" he asked, "To preserve just your people?"

"I couldn't care less about the group that has the three equine Mary Sues, the Rainbow Friendship Cannon and faith that hard work and good preparation be damned, the glistening princess always wins."

"I think I can relate from personal experience, the Sparkling Princess doesn't get the best breaks. If she is going to get her happy ending, she's going to have to work for it," he assured her.

She frowned, disgusted by his assurance. "Before you go all gooey on them, they annihilated their first homeland because they couldn't stop hating one another," she said darkly, "If Super - Celestia, ever let them be themselves, they'd turn this place into a planet that makes an ice cube look like a blazing desert."

"You don't much like ponies, do you?" he asked.

"I can take them or leave them, but am more inclined to leave them. There's nothing special about them. Nothing at all."

Interesting attitude, considering she's studying magic, a science practically governed by ponies. Unless she's a greater master than they and is learning all their foibles and how to correct them? he wondered.

"So I'm going to tell the ponies to quit poking the spirit of the library with a stick, and they have nothing to worry about."

"I wouldn't say that exactly," she said, "But I think telling them the spirit of the library will only finish what they've already started is a good idea."

What have they done in my absence? he wanted to know.

The commotion in the main hall drew his attention, and a quiet sigh from the girl. He looked over the railing at the pack of three minotaurs and a diamond dog in approximately matching jumpsuits. He looked back to the girl to find she and her gear had vanished.

I'm going to find who hired them, and run them through the gates of hades, then Tartarus, personally, he headed down the stairs.

Star walked in first and gave his trademark, "Anybody seen a ghost?"

Wendy remembered Granny saying Tuxedo had never understood why anyone thought it was funny when she'd been talking about her 'eccentric' offspring. Zephyr, the diamond dog simply pulled the crystal scanner and found the hottest trace and began following it. It led straight to where Wendy had been. From the wraithworld, she watched him pass and begin back tracking.

Winter, a white-haired minotaur spotted the same thing Zephyr had. "Tux, violet's supposed to be low-energy right?"

"Yes," the glasses wearing minotaur ambled over to where the minotaur and diamond dog looked at the brilliantly glowing crystal. "And brightness denotes intensity."

"So how do you get high-intensity, low-energy?" Winter asked.

Zephyr grinned. "Let's go find out!" He was charging off towards the stairs Wendy had walked down only a few moments earlier.

"Containment formation," Star said, "Winter, keep an eye on Zephyr," he added.

The diamond dog nodded and headed after the most enthusiastic member of the team.

Wendy followed, their equipment seemed incapable of discovering where she was, but could track where she'd been. She watched as they approached the self-proclaimed Sith, and like a compass needle all of them turned towards him.

He's not going to . . . she thought.

"I'm not the one you're looking for," he told them.

The cynical Star, and enthusiastic Zephyr both frowned. The verified they're out of each other's line of fire, and their equipment starts to make a high-pitched whirring sound.

"Not your wisest course of action, friend," Star said quietly, he smiled but the smile had teeth.

Darth Bates frowned then raised his hands. Wendy followed them at a short distance, then stowed away on their wagon as they returned to their base.

This is both stupid and embarrassing, I think as I glance at my four captors, It is the best way to find out who hired them. I swear, if it was Luna, I'll wring her neck. Thus spake Darth Bates. The kid is probably laughing her ass off at being caught by the local witch hunters.

The city is more like the ones I was used to, although infinitely cleaner. The chatter of the other four contains jargon that is impenetrable, and oddly worrying. 'A full torso apparition' is worryingly close to the truth of my condition. They also are keeping my captivity low-key. No insults or abuse, just two of their number observing me closely. I hate facing off against professionals. They have a lot more experience with tricky opponents, and many more ways to prevent repetition of tricky behavior.

The building we pull into is part base and part domicile. There are diamond dogs all over the place, a few minotaurs, a griffon or two. No ponies, and none of the people is a child. One or two are in the throes of puberty, but the look in the eyes takes away the childish sense of them. Everyone here has 'seen the wampa' and survived intact. On Equestria, problems are either utterly trivial, or 'rip your mind and soul apart and jump up and down on your bleeding corpse'. If they saw one of the latter, and lived, sane and rational, they are not to be trifled with.

The leader begins walking to the back of the wagon, and placed his hand down, several inches from the rail of the wagon. "You go ahead. Star, you and Zephyr question him, I'll catch up."

The two minotaurs nod and lead him through the building to a small library.

Wendy froze as Tuxedo laid his hand right on her shoulder. "You two go ahead and question him. I'll catch up," the minotaur said, just resting his on her shoulder. She realized the diamond dog was looking straight at her face, not just at where the minotaur was touching.

He waited until the pair and Darth Bates were out of sight. "Then we can talk privately."

They led her to a kitchen. Tuxedo released her and gestured to a chair. "Please have a seat. Is tea all right?"

She pulled out the chair and slid it back in, as if she were sitting in it. The diamond dog held the cup of tea in front of her face.

"I am Winter Meadow, because I have the sight," the diamond dog, Winter, said.

She willed herself back to visibility and sat down before accepting the cup. "Thank you. So you can see me?"

"I can make out where you are," Winter said, and smiled, "But if I look at you too hard, I can't see this world anymore."

She nodded. The tea was warm and soothing in her hands. "I didn't know there was other magic in this world."

Both of them, and a voice out of sight behind a curtain all chuckled.

"My teacher. He's a zebra and you have a problem with ponies, so despite a thousand questions, he will remain unseen," Winter said.

She drank some of the tea, and looked around at the very homey kitchen.

"My grandmother is very worried about you," Tuxedo said, and set down a large bag beside his own tea. "Before you ask, I am a parapsychitrist, that means I am a doctor doctor, as well as a spook chaser. All though my expertise sometimes makes me feel more like a veterinarian. The species being so different. You'd think pegasus wings and griffon wings were similar, but they aren't. This tells overall health from basic cell activity." He held up a large crystal. "It's not perfect but it will see if there are areas where the action is different." He held the crystal like someone in the movies would hold a Geiger counter. The crystal glowed a steady, soft, yellow-white.

If that's the color it's supposed to be I'm in good shape, she thought.

"How are you finding this world?" the voice behind the curtain asked.

"I want to go home, but I have to complete my journey first," she admitted.

"Ah, Winter has strayed so far off the path, he may crash into the goal at any moment," the unseen zebra said. He and Winter chuckled.

The crystal had changed color near her neck. She froze and stared at it.

"Just some scar tissue. You were injured there," Tuxedo said, "Some time back."

"Yes, I had a run-in with a horse," she said.

"Strong language," said the man behind the curtain, "For such a young one."

"I was attacked just because I was weaker. My grandfather rescued me," she admitted. She looked at Tuxedo. "Why is your grandmother worried about me?"

"Sleeping in that ancient apartment under the cafeteria. Spending all your time studying things someone with your powers should already know. Facing monsters who would overmatch the entire defense force," he said as he completed his scan. "Why shouldn't she be worried? It didn't take her long to figure out someone invisible helped her in that alley. And that same invisible person was poking around the library. She's a senior librarian because she has a doctorate in Library Science, part of her thesis was basically figuring out what your 'customers' need, before they walk in the door."

"You also messed up, the area where you rescued her has been manufacturing and offices for two centuries," Winter said, "There's no way you could have been from around there."

"She's assuming where I rescued her is where I was talking about," she replied then squeezed her eyes shut as Winter smiled. She realized she'd given herself away.

"Don't blame yourself," Winter said, "Our job is often to find out what people, well, spirits want, so they can pass on. They aren't the best or most willing talkers. We're very good at what we do. We can't simply blast something with superpony magic and have the problem go away."

"The problems don't go away," she said, "Nightmare Moon was just the first. The bindings by the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony are unraveling. Nightmare Moon first, and then Discord, then Sombra, and then Tirek. They didn't solve anything. They just swept it under the rug to jump up and bite someone else later on."

"Is that why you journeyed from your world?" Tuxedo asked.

"There are more worlds than you can imagine, not just the spirit world," she said, and finally managed to shock them. "Some would watch your daily lives and consider it entertainment."

Winter and Tuxedo shifted uncomfortably.

"But some still value and have empathy for you here. 'Childish' as it may seem, I cannot solve all your problems, or give you but the most basic answers, but I can deflect some of the worst until you can stand against it yourselves." She looked at the faces and wondered what they thought of what she'd said.

I might as well be transparent to them, same way I was to Grampa and Nana, they seemed to instantly know what I was doing, and get inside my head, she thought.

I am not having any fun.

"Look, Mister -?" the star-blazed minotaur asks.

"Darth Bates," I reply, "And you two are?"

"Star."

Of course.

"I'm Zephyr," the other minotaur says, he seems the more joyful of the pair.

Star looks at me with undisguised cynicism. "Look, we appreciate that Celestia sent you on your little spy mission, and full marks on not invading with a passel of ponies, but we really don't need people poking around where we are investigating," Star says, politely explaining, for a given level of polite. "This entity has not crossed into Equestrian territory, heck, it hasn't even left the capital. So why go poking at a hornets' nest when it spanked one of Equestria's legendary big-bads. I know the ponies worry about us poor deluded folk without sparkly powers and a goddess, but we make out all right."

"Considering that Equestria probably hired you, I think we have a case of one hand not knowing what the other is doing," I reply.

Star covers fast, but the flash of uncertainty was there. Zephyr tries to hide his expression in his coffee cup.

Star doesn't even try to deflect that, he stays on his point, "We live here, we have the experience and a thirty-year track record," he says, "Nopony'd heard of you until Nightmare Moon returned, and you are from the Everfree Forest from all accounts. It may surprise you that we are capable of handling our own internal affairs and that we've had the girl under surveillance for quite some time. And that short of the provocation that Equestria seems eager to deliver, she's personable, nonthreatening, even eager to please and avoid harm or even discomfort of the people around her. You might also like to know that we have also determined that her response to Nightmare's invasion was a measured one to force her to leave."

"In other words," Zephyr says, "If she wanted Nightmare dead, she'd be dead. Does our hands-off approach make sense now?"

I nod. I am not pleased being dropped into a situation already being handled, and it seems handled expertly. It makes me and my 'employer' look like clumsy fools. Equestria needs as spiffy an image right now as it can get.

"And we were already aware that with the Elements of Harmony in new hooves, whatever was wrought with them by Princesses Celestia and Luna would begin to dissipate," Star says, "So if that hasn't gotten back to the highest circles of Equestria, then you've earned your pay, and have every reason to race home to inform them of the dire situation they find themselves in."

"You aren't afraid of Discord's return?" I ask.

The pair chuckle. "Not really. If something transfers us into the puddle of greatly increased scariness, we don't panic like ponies do. We overcome," Star says, "We venerate him."

"Discord is called 'The Strengthener'," Tuxedo told Wendy, "Chaos happens with or without him. Surmounting a little extra on our life's journey makes us stronger, better and more worthy. Probably the same thinking that sent you here."

What? she thought and couldn't keep the shock from her face.

"So, if he broke free and came here?" she asked.

"There'd be a transition period, but we'd welcome it. If he turned a building upside down, but kept everything stuck to the 'floor' we'd just get a step ladder and climb in," Tuxedo said. "The ponies had a history of doing that and worse to their rivals. The princesses haven't exactly threatened us with cutting off the sun, but every griffon and minotaur knows it's well within her power to do so. The ponies used to do it all the time."

I can't say I believe Superhorse would do it, but I never believed that the Russians and Americans would nuke each other either, she thought, They just believe she could.

"So what do you want me to do?" she asked.

"Aside from guaranteeing you aren't going to wash us all away in a gigantic flood, or generate a memetic construct that will reduce us all to drooling zombies, not a thing. No, I take that back. Wait a moment." Tuxedo began fishing through his jacket, and pulled out a slip of paper. "Sabbath dinners with Granny and I, and a couple of others. She's nervous I don't get out more, and she got the same concern for you."

"Considering she knows where I live, I guess I don't have a choice," she said, "Is she, ah, mad for what I did?"

"After finding that hidden store of books, she'll forgive darn near anything, so will Henny," Tuxedo said.

"It also gives them a live-in mage to protect the library," Winter added.

"Why are there so many problems with ponies?" she asked, "I haven't had a single problem with minotaurs."

"Cutie Mark Insanity Syndrome," Tuxedo said, "Ponies believe they are linked to magic and their destiny on reaching puberty. They still have some latitude, but they are basically locked in. If they transgress against their destiny, their magic or their psyche backlashes, and they go dangerously insane."

"No wonder you folks don't mind not having magic," she said, "Does every pony go through it?"

"Every pony," the voice behind the curtain said, "Summoning and giving into Nightmare Moon was Luna's."

"What about Celestia?" she asked.

Winter and Tuxedo looked at each other. "We're rather hoping she's immune," came from behind the curtain.

Oh crap. The rings on her fingers got a lot heavier.

3) Darth Bates - An Irrefutable Object (Season 1)

Darth Bates - An Irrefutable Object (Season 1)
by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

It seems an opportune time to visit my fellow 'exile', although her treatment by the Ponyvillians remains harsher than mine. That may also have to do with me not putting up with their xenophobic crap, and that I had a few advocates in town.

The zebra stares at me as I approach her home in the Everfree, drawing the wagon along behind me. Her expression grows wary as she realizes how tall she thinks I am. "Welcome stranger of the day, have you something more to say? The folks of Ponyville have said, I can return when they are dead."

"I have heard you have dark and evil powers, since I have actual dark and evil powers. I have a Cease and Desist Order for false advertising, and a question about your fee for teaching me your non-dark and non-evil powers."

"WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS?" comes from the town as my future apprentice found the similar missive, and the effective statement that despite her recent, best efforts, I am still alive.

The Zebra stares at me, clearly doubting my sanity.

Good grief, now I'm doing it.

She asks, "If such as you are playing games, then shall we not exchange our names?"

"I am Darth Bates, Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith, Owner/Operator of Bates' Insurance." I know I have a winner when she shies at that. Yes, see now the depth of my eeevul. I came to Equestria, and became an insurance salesman. Wahahah! Tremble before my malignancy and perfidy!

"NOOO! I'll pay my premiums, and lates as well, take me not to screaming Hell."

"We don't do the fire and brimstone anymore," I assure her.

"Ah," she replies.

"Not when we have all those little, old ladies with vacation slides," I tell her.

Her eyes bulge at that thought. "If it won't evoke your ire, I prefer brimstone and fire."

"There's always a critic," I comment, "You seemed quite out of sorts."

"In chasing me, the pony folk, walked amid the Poison Joke." She gestures at the caldron in her home. "If they have not trust in me, how will they trust my alchemy?"

"I think I have a solution. Then we can talk lessons," I tell her, "But let me tell you a little about all your new neighbors."

The insurance biz was pretty much what it was cracked up to be. I stood in the Ponyville lane and looked over the rather flattened house. "A giant, star bear?" I asked the owners. They and their neighbors nodded. I stifled the impulse to elongate the word, not nodded. I'd reserve that for dealing with Purple.

"An Ursa Minor," a slightly creepy unicorn said. Why she often followed me around town escaped me. And I didn't want to know. When something can give a Dark Lord of the Sith the willies, you don't delve.

Fortunately, there'd been very little breakage of the interior furnishings, but the ridgepole and most of the joists for the second floor were cracked. Powerful as the Force was in application, this was near the limits of my abilities. And I knew this universe. I'd be at a delicate point in the job, and Purple would show up to continue our dance.

Nothing for it, I realized as I concentrated. Back home I'd never manage this, but the buildings here seemed to know where they should be, like they were stored in a computer design somewhere and only needed to have damage 'undo'-ed. The building stood back up and the new ridgepole slid into place. Then the replacement floor joists. Then I drove the prepositioned nails home. The construction team had prefabbed all the pieces, enabling me, rather than a crane, to put the piece in place.

With that done, I slowly let the members settle, taking the load and checking for any discontinuities.

I was actually done before Purple showed up. "That's impossible!" she announced as the team went in to inspect the house. Ponies wearing hard hats always made me laugh.

"How so? This house was crushed, it is now standing. You must be a gnostic, 'I don't believe my eyes, I must only believe doctrine'."

Purple charged her horn, then yelped. Yes, I've been teasing her, mercilessly, but real pain will always be different. She didn't even notice me until I'd put a hand on her head and banished her pain.

"You should be in bed resting," I told her in my best, non-teasing, fatherly tone.

"This is a trick, like the house," she told me, and tried to pull away, but the effect also had a narcotic affect. She couldn't have stopped a determined toddler.

"Of course, it's called 'for your own good'. Seriously, without your horn, how do you expect to battle the next menace. Leave dealing with Sith Lords to Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy."

Her eyes crossed as it registered on her. "Fluttershy?" she asked amid a yawn.

The team opened the place for the owners' inspection as Applejack and Fluttershy approached.

"Please take her back to the library and get her tucked in," I told them, "Fluttershy, please assure her you'll take care of the Evil, Vicious, Slavering Sith Lord." I pointed to myself so she'd get it.

She nodded, as Purple nodded off. Applejack carried her off, with Fluttershy trailing. I headed into the house to supervise the owners' inspection. Insurance fraud was not unknown to ponydom.

After my 'meet and greet' with Zecora, and finding she had a cure for their ailment, I went in search for my friends and their associates. I'd been lucky to find most of my friends at my first stop, Fluttershy's house. Convincing them to accept the help is my new challenge, but also easily accomplished.

Appletini stands on my open palm and looks at the collection of ingredients. "I gotta take a bath in that stuff," the tiny farmer asks.

"I'll see to it you're safe," Flutterguy says, blushes and hangs her head.

"This is from Zecora?" Appletini asked.

"Yes, she had to make up somehow for passing herself off as an evil enchantress who does evil dances, and looks in her eyes to put you in trances," I tell them, "She didn't even have a union card, how goodie-two-shoes can you get?"

The PinkSide makes some noises, but is just as unintelligible as she typically is.

"The spa might be the best place ta use these," Appletini admits, then she looks at me, "Getting Rainbow there is gonna take alla us, who's gonna tell Twi?"

"I will," I say as I set the miniaturized pony on Fluttershy's kitchen table. "Just understand, Applebloom is safe, she went towards Zecora's. It'll be a good start for Zecora."

I almost didn't hear Applejack's comment. "Weird, alien magic."

I kneel down so I am eye to eye with the tiny horse. "Applejack," I scold, "Zap Apples?"

Applejack scuffs at the table with a hoof and can't meet my gaze.

I carefully push her hat back off her head and rub between her ears. "There is no shame that Applebloom takes after your Grandmother and you don't. Anyplace needs dreamers, and people with their feet planted on the ground. You'll never do the incredible things your Grandmother did. But she and Applebloom desperately need somepony who likes the ordinary day-to-day job of running this place. None of my family could imagine the life I live. They made pipe, for sewer and water lines, day in, day out. Day in, day out, I wanted more out of life. But they didn't have to be ashamed of what they did, as long as they did it well. Neither do you."

I get a tiny nuzzle from the farm pony and a grudging smile. "I'll still pull her head outta the clouds if she gets too far."

"You should," I tell her, "But don't resent her if she tries again."

I head over to the embarrassed Flutterguy. "I think your voice is still as sexy as the rest of you."

Her cheeks become even pinker than her mane as she tries to hide within it.

I leave them as they collect the herbs and other ingredients for the cure. Back in town, in the library, Purple is predictably obsessing over finding the answer in a book. Here's an idea, ask the lady who warned you off yesterday, I want to shout at her.

"If Zecora didn't do this to us," Purple says, then raises her head, "That leaves -!"

I know an entrance cue when I hear one. I burst into the library with a flourish. "Zecora is not evil, I checked, she'd not a member of The League." Learning to speaking in Capitals is Very Important. First lesson in using the Force.

Purple turns around and I would have immediately lost her to the darkest part of the 'Dark' Side, if I'd been able to train her. "You!" She flips her floppy horn. "You did this to me!"

"I'll get Rarity!" Spike shouts and runs from the building. Who Rarity is going to save from whom is up in the air.

Ponies can bite, as well as strike with their hooves, and Purple is no exception. She's got about as much science to her attack as a Rancor on crystals, but she's just as furious. And Purple shows every indication she intends to tear my heart out through my chest with her teeth. She manages to get in close enough to take a bite out of my shirt. Telling her 'I liked that shirt' is likely to redouble her murderous tendencies. I'm usually glad to provide Purple an outlet to her suppressed anger, but the loss of her magic has really driven her over the edge. She manages several more bites, tearing strips out of my shirt, then worrying the strips into confetti. She also makes me glad I left my cloak behind.

She jumps and bites, catching my belt and pants, not biting through the cloth, like the shirt, but hanging on and pulling, presumably to tie me to an anchor point to enable more convenient pummeling.

"Oh my, I wish I'd thought of that," Rarity the Bantha arrives.

Purple freezes as she realizes, I'm barechested due to her efforts and she's growling and struggling like a mad thing trying to pull my pants over my boots.

She releases my pants, and looks from me to 'Hairity' with a expression of total horror on her face. "It isn't what it looks like!" she shouts.

"It isn't?" I ask and put on my most desolate expression, "You said you loved me!" I wail as I hike up my pants and dash from the room.

I hear 'Hairity's', "Darling, you shouldn't trifle with his affections." Before I'm too far away to hear Purple's response.

I stop by Zecora's on my way back home. "What were you facing that did all that?" the zebra asks as she looks me up and down, "Did it start from the top and eat your hat?" Applebloom stops and also stares at my appearance.

"Just another satisfied customer," I tell her, "I think you should head over to the spa, and supervise the cure. I've got them convinced you aren't going to turn them all into multicolored ponies."

Zecora snickers and calls to Applebloom to follow. The pair chat as they head towards the spa. Though both glance over their shoulders at me, and laugh or giggle. Ah, throwing my dignity to the wind to bring new friends together. Such is my lot.

Who am I kidding, I enjoy taking it as much as I enjoy dishing it out. And Purple will never live it down.

It's later that night when I get a visitor at my camp in the old castle in the Everfree.

"Darth Bates?" Rarity asks, restored and looking very chipper. Unusual for her, she's wearing saddle bags.

"Here," I tell her as I walk out into the underground audience hall.

She rises up on her hind legs to give me a hug. "None the worse for wear I trust?" she asks.

"A bit more exciting than I wanted, but not too bad," I tell her.

"Twilight feels terrible about what happened," Rarity says.

It would be impolite to call her a liar. The only thing Purple regrets is she didn't finish me off, or that she was caught in that embarrassing situation.

"At least one thing good came out of this . . . event," she says as she removes the contents of her saddlebag.

The shirt is a near duplicate of the one Purple destroyed. Except it is light gray with indigo stripes at the wrist, neck and bottom. I also note that her mane and coat are cut a good deal closer that is her usual wont. "Thank you," I tell her.

She beams. "You have such a necessity for simplicity, I just had to get you into a Rarity-original. Especially after what happened to yours."

"Thank you, it is much appreciated," I tell her.

She looks at me strangely. "I must admit, I don't approve of you teasing Twilight the way that you do."

"She desperately needs forging. But unlike you, she has a problem admitting that she doesn't know everything," I tell Rarity, "Arrogance like that has been the cause of more evil in this universe, than the moustache-twirling maniacs. After all, without thousands of people like Twilight, absolutely certain of the rightness of their perceptions, the moustache-twirlers would be nuts screaming to noone on a streetcorner."

"You think Twilight is evil?" she asks.

"With her surety, she could become so without anyone noticing," I tell her, "Because you trust her, trust her desire to do good. But what happens if that desire runs into someone who doesn't wish to be improved, is happy being unhappy or ignorant? When does being sure you know what's best for someone, change to forcing them to conform? If you cannot allow people to be their imperfect selves, you are a tyrant, no matter how noble your ideals."

Rarity nods. "I do wish you'd choose another way."

"I have several ways already running. Choosing you and Princess Luna as students, and allowing her to overreact to playground teasing. All those are elements of my plans. And Twilight is aware of them."

Rarity nods and trots back home, leaving me to try on her gift. The fabric is as soft as down, and fits me well. I have never doubted Rarity's craftsmareship, but fashion is one of those areas I treasure my ignorance of.

Ponyville town square, two days after my talk with Zecora, I face the Elements of Harmony all restored and out for a walk, I mean VENGENCE! Pointpony, and leader of the formation glares at me. Her hatred palpable, her intent my destruction. The PinkSide waves at me. Lady Rarity, Applejack and Flutters give me apologetic looks. Trashtalk is as always, ready and eager for the fight.

"Uh, Purple," I offer.

"Twilight," she shouts back and grits her teeth.

"Even if you kill me, there is no twilight, only the endless cycle of rebirth, Purple," I say, and I can hear her grinding her teeth, "You got something in your teeth, do you really want the bards to sing about 'Purple the Invincible defeated Darth Bates with something stuck in her teeth'? Now do you?"

"AUGH!" she screams and rubs her teeth with her hooves. Most of the others put hooves to their faces as their obsessive warleader falls to trivialities. She of all ponies should know the history books always clean stuff like that up.

I love this girl, she's so enthusiastic, and yet, so gullible. If I didn't already have an apprentice, I'd collect her. Aw hell, I never followed that one master-one apprentice garbage, why start now?

Winding up where I am now was the result of a rare collaboration between the Sith and the Jedi when my master and I didn't show the proper deference to their August Force. Their assassin leveled the building we and about fifty other people were in. That's overkill, considering we never physically harmed anyone, it seemed a bit extreme. Dignity was always a fair target, but you can't eat dignity. Although the masters of the Jedi and Sith Councils seemed to breathe it, it explains their behavior: oxygen deprivation.

The Force again had the last laugh, it took my master into itself, and it sent me to this amazing place full of overly excitable, addlepated creatures. Messing with them is so much fun. It even gave me lots of play things. Ah I remember my first recruit, right after I arrived.

"MONSTER!" the weird creature with the wings and horn screeched as its vaporous monsters dissolved under the assault of bolts of Force lightning. The black and blue pegacorn thing became considerably more black and blue as I barraged it with chunks of loose stone and timbers. The occasional lightning bolt mixed in certainly kept it busy and blew down whatever shield she tried to raise. Her? From the pitch and timbre of screams, I think it was a her. She was kinda cute, in a helpless and pathetic, horsey kind of way. Like a purse dog that thinks it's a guard dog. They still bite, but mostly they're 90% noise by weight. It also helped that my illusion of myself took all the blows she aimed at it, leaving me free and clear to attack.

"No more please! I surrender!" The horse-thing shrieked, and my latest barrage hung in midair. She stared in fear and amazement at my seeming placidly looking at her. She carefully reached out a hoof and tested one of the rocks. It might well have been set in a wall for all the give it had.

It is amazing what you can do with both sides of the Force working in concert.

"You shall pledge eternal fealty to me, and your soul is forfeit," I intoned. Soul talk always wowed the aboriginal locals.

"I, I shall," she said and bowed her head to me. I caught the expression she had hidden from my seeming. I'd already sensed her plans for treachery. She was the perfect Sith apprentice. Better than I was.

"I proclaim you Darth Biter, for your teeth and ferocity. And so you may never supplant me as master! Bwahahaha!" I laughed, some jokes are classics.

"How would that prevent . . . ?" she asked, and her eyes crossed.

It's those little moments of realization that always shall I live for.

"YOU -!" she shrieked, then fell silent as the Force lightning crackled around my seeming.

"Am your Master," I told her, no shriek, no pure rage, just a silky smooth tone laced with menace. Composites are always superior to unalloyed materials.

She bowed again and she looked around the castle. "Can you restore this place to its former glory?" Her tone was still challenging.

"In time," I said, "Can you?"

"Why? Are not the ruins glorious?" she asked. And typical of the sense of humor of the universe, just as I stepped into place within my seeming, the skies opened up on us.

My saber generates a screen as well as a blade, another adjustment that the Jedi and Sith despised. The rain and sleet sizzled as they struck the straw -yellow field over my head. My bedraggled, horsey apprentice looked plaintively at me. I extended my power to shunt aside the rain and sleet pouring down on her.

"Thank you, I think there is a dry place farther on," she offered, "This way."

She led me down to the catacombs under the palace. I ignored the others who had doubtless also sought shelter from the storm. Although my apprentice growled at the invasion, I bade her rest. Healing her numerous injuries also let me weave a calming effect into her. I sensed great anger in her, and while it made her foolish, I could cool and hammer it into place. I did a better job than I knew.

The next morning, along with a glorious sunrise, I had another surprise awaiting me.

The PinkSide stood up, nudged Trashtalk awake and they both got in formation. She is about to berate me for the segue.

"You tricked me!" Purple shouts across the town square as she puts away the pocket mirror.

"Anger is a weapon most easily used by your opponent," I call back, "You must accept your place in the universe and the minor difficulties you will face no matter which path you travel. You should go home and contemplate that my student. My own plans may be put aside to foster your spiritual growth," I tell her in my best 'old, wise professor' tone. She HATES being called 'my student'.

"We're gonna kick your butt and then we'll go home!" Trashtalk says takes a midair stance that just invites a blaster bolt to the belly.

But my strikes are sharper. "Trashtalk, you really should abandon your fascination with my sexual prowess. You are completely uninteresting to me. Not with dreamboats like Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy to compare with. Should be Lady Rarity, Applejane and Flutterfancy but seeing their inner loveliness is my special power. Using it on you, not so much."

Trashtalk turns more shades of purple than exist on Purple herself. Fluttershy hides her face in her mane. Rarity blushes furiously. Applejack pulls the front of her hat down a bit.

"Besides, I'm not into little boys," I add.

Cue salvo of face hoofs, and the incoming pegasus.

I'd seen spectacular sunrises do amazing things to people. I'd seen enough 'evil side' transformations to recognize the reversion from one. So that wasn't the surprise that accompanied the spectacular sunrise on my first morning in Equestria. The little, blue pegacorn who huddled in the nest of my former and likely never to return apprentice looked at me fearfully and shivered. I never saw any creature who both so desperately needed a hug in its life, and would have so welcomed one.

Yes, I thought she was completely adorable. I've stepped into the 'dark side'. I don't swim around in it looking for puppies to kick. She relaxed into my grip as I enfolded her, drying off her tears and holding her tight against me. She nuzzled me, and burst into tears again. Happy tears this time. It took some time for the waterworks to stop, and me to get her name 'Luna'. I'd find out later it was 'Princess Luna' but that was for later.

"What are you doing here?" she asked shyly.

"I was killed," I told her, "And awoke here. I suspect that the Force thought you had need of me, so here I am."

"Force?" she asked.

Ah HA! New apprentice, that was the surprise.

"I can only explain it to a disciple. Learning just a little can cause you to become, well, a little crazy," I told her.

She gulped and nodded. "I want to learn. And," cue the waterworks as she continued, "I don't have anywhere else to go." She sobbed in my arms for a good hour.

I could sense she was both lying, and she believed what she was saying. The usual explanation for the dichotomy was that the homecoming would require submission that pride could not stand, or would require experiencing forgiveness that could not be accepted. Well, we had time, and I had a student. The Force would teach her about growth, and she'd screw up often enough that she'd have to get used to my forgiveness. She'd soon lose the arrogant pride and replace it with pride of accomplishment, and she'd learn that forgiveness is for the person giving it, not the person receiving it.

Trashtalk's infuriated charge across the square stops in mid flight. I vanish from sight and dozens of parchments and quills appear scattered about the town square. Why didn't Purple ambush me on the way in or the way out of town? Does she want her humiliation public?

"Everypony," my voice booms across the square, "Special one-time offer, 30 bits for a policy with a 300 bit deductible, and 500 bits for a no deductible policy that covers all damage caused during this battle, and as an added bonus, it will also cover any damage incurred during my inevitable revenge!"

Purple beats her head against a tree as ponies storm out of their cellars to snatch up contracts and sign them.

"What if we don't need coverage for your revenge?" a voice calls.

"Pinkie Pie!" Purple shouts at her ally's betrayal.

"It's an added rider, no discounts," I tell her.

"Meany!"

"Rarity!" Purple squeals on spotting another of her group clustering around a pack of contracts.

"What, darling? I must look out for my shop," she replies.

"Lady Rarity, your policy already covers battle damage as a member of the Elements of Harmony, as well a personal testimonial from me to your disgruntled customers, for any delays brought on due to those duties."

I'd only had to do that once, and the 'disgruntled customer', one Sapphire Shores, hired me as a bouncer for her next show.

"Oh, dear, well, thank you," she says and trots back to the group, "Do forgive me. The heat of the moment."

"Of course, I'd never cheat a paying client," I tell her, then turn and shout, "Yes, Spike, the library is covered too." The little dragon gives a thumbs up and closes the door.

If Purple could see me, she'd blast me into a billion pieces and jump up and down on the dust. But she can't, so she nears ignition. Ah I remember her first ignition, it was so gratifying.

My future apprentice was not the only one with misplaced anger issues. As I trained her, I didn't tease Luna that her anger was trivial. What pinches my feet may not seem important, but the resulting blisters are very important to me.

Luna stood atop the water, holding several large globules of water suspended. I'd never met anyone as adept at the basics of Force manipulation, possibly a side effect of being able to manipulate 'magic' at an instinctive level. Nor had I met anyone as prone to lose concentration and start channeling the passionate side.

"So, tell me about the other ponies," I said.

The globules hit the surface and splashed her. She tottered on the surface and used her wings to remain above. She gave me a guilty look as she stepped down on the rippling surface. Wings weren't supposed to be used. "They played in my sister's day, and no matter how beautiful I made the night," she said her voice growing harsh as she related the memory, "They ignored my efforts. Ignored my night. Ignored the beauty." She stomped on the water. The 'Dark' side was growing strong in her.

"Could the beauty of the night have inspired some other activity?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Her anger manifest and the beginnings of her transformation back to Nightmare Moon displayed.

"Isn't there something ponies only do at night, alone, sealed up in their houses?" I asked.

Her eyes lost the cat's iris as they went wide and her knees wobbled as she struggled to maintain control.

"Something that looking at your night and feeling the romance of its craft and beauty, that they might -"

Splash!

Thought you hadn't thought about that. I hauled my stunned and sodden apprentice from the water.

"So, were they or weren't they appreciating your night?" I asked and levitated several towels to rub her dry.

Her utterly mortified expression and blush of a thoroughly reverted Luna told me she was now reconsidering that she in fact was appreciated, even venerated, just not in a way you discussed in front of the children. The very children who came about because of her influence and efforts. Like I said, these ponies are dreadfully cute as they lose their self-conscious attitudes.

"AUGH!" And before the battle is truly begun, Purple takes her phoenix form and arrows past the suspended Trashtalk.

I run the course I'd laid out several days earlier. Purple is in hot pursuit, with most of her delegation in more distant pursuit.

"Guys!" Trashtalk calls as she strains at her Force bonds, wings blurring into invisibility, "I'm kind of stuck here. GUYS! GUYS!"

The edge of the reservoir is perfect. The flaming meteor is streaking straight towards me. She has got to learn about illusions. She hits the seeming at full force, continues on about a third of the way across the reservoir, and goes from furious phoenix, to confused and exhausted pony standing on water. I haven't trained her like I had Luna.

Splash.

"That's it, Green," I tell the pony who helps me carry Purple to shore.

"That's Pinkie," she says.

"I'm sorry, I'm color-blind," I tell her. The others facehoof.

"Then how do you know Twilight is purple?" she asks as the others cluster around their friend.

"It was printed on the box she came in," I reply and vanish before they can think to hogtie me.

"I'll get you for this," Purple moans as she tries and fails to stand.

"That's what your boyfriend Inky Pete said," I reply from a safe distance.

"He's not my -!" she shouts, "Oh why bother?" She sinks down to the ground.

I've finished torturing my soon to be apprentice, now I have another pony to infuriate. Back to the center of Ponyville.

"Guys, I'm still kinda stuck here," Trashtalk calls as she hangs in midair. She frantically whirls limbs and wings. "And now I'm upside down."

"Now, you must pay for all the indignities you have heaped upon me," I tell Trashtalk as I appear before her ensnared form.

Her wings and legs blur as she tries to find purchase on the air against my Force bindings. No chance.

"I'm not afraid of you!" she says, while doing anything and everything to get loose.

"You will be," I promise her, "You will be."

Fighting is a subtle art, which Jedi and Sith seem to always see as a club, rather than a scalpel. My master had a holocron that contained the musing on the Force of a Sith Master even screwier than he was. But contained within was a battle medication unlike any that anyone in the entire galaxy had ever seen. All instructional videos, of the art in action. I'm ashamed to admit I devoured every bit of it, since the usual Jedi or Sith tactic is whip out a lightsaber and cut off an arm, or cut your target in half. Useful, but not if you want to take prisoners. You know, arrest people and keep them intact for questioning or trial? Fighting someone who is clearly out of their head by cutting off a limb does not give them any reason to help you. A few bruises are a lot easier to apologize for/explain away, and done properly, are fully healed up before the trial. A lopped off stump usually gets the jury to sway against the Jedi, even with mind tricks.

Then there's the entire point of psychological combat. Of doing something personally devastating, which others may not understand, and may even think of as a benefit.

Trashtalk attacked me the first time I walked into Ponyville, after Purple, I have set special store in humiliating her.

"Who do you think you are? A spy?" the rainbow-maned creature accosted me.

"Merely a traveler seeking to exchange currency for foodstuffs," I replied, stepping around the flying creature, only to have my way blocked again. My current apprentice was a growing pony and needed a few of the comforts of home.

"Yeah, well prove it," it said as it poked me in the chest with its hoof, "I think you're working for Nightmare Moon. I think you're hiding her from us. I think -"

"I doubt that very much," I replied and smiled at the creature, "And keep your sexual advances and appendages to yourself."

I took advantage of its discombobulation to step around and continue to the stalls selling fresh food. Blankets and toys would come later, as would a trip to the library. But the produce and baked goods all smelled wonderful, and I had a small cache of valuable crystals and precious metals, which seemed to correspond to their currency.

"Pardon me, do you know of a place I could get these exchanged for local currency?" I asked the horse wearing the odd hat.

Then the other one slammed into me. "I'm not through talking to you."

The valuables went flying.

"Rainbow!" the hat wearer complained, "What'd he do?"

"He's a spy for Nightmare Moon," the pegasus told the hat wearer.

"Too right," I told them, "I've been searching for the paranoid and violent, and I've found one."

"See!"

The hat wearer covered her face with her hat. "He's talkin' 'bout you Rainbow."

"Rainbow? I don't see it. I was going to call it Trashtalk," I told the hat wearer, "Now, since it'll be following me around, I'll have to wash its mouth out with soap. You can't have your fanclub make a bad impression on folks now can you?"

The hat wearer began giggling, and Trashtalk only ran when she saw the soap coming.

Ah, memories. I've improved my technique since then. I'm invisible again, as the five mares meander back from the reservoir towards the center of town. They accelerate as soon as they hear the whimpering laments of Trashtalk. They don't spot her for the cloud of ponies, flying and not, surrounding her. Staring at her. Talking about her. Being the center of attention is suddenly not what she wants. Too bad.

I grin as the 'heroes' force their way through the crowd.

"Rainbow!" Rarity gasps in utter shock.

"Don't look at me!" Trashtalk whines and tries to hide herself despite hanging in midair.

"You're, you're, you're," Rarity gulps before she can continue, "You're gorgeous!"

And Trashtalk lets out a heart-wrenching wail.

Her multicolored tail is braided into a pattern like the local rattlesnakes, her mane is likewise styled in highest fashion. Eyelashes extended, lipstick expertly applied and of course a bit of blush. She is a marvelous work of art, even if I do say so myself. But I didn't have to, the harshest critic of such things, Lady Rarity, already did.

Purple shakes off the near trance she found herself in on gazing at the most splendid example of pegasus marehood. "Well, we can get you all cleaned up," Purple suggests.

Not against Sith Alchemy you won't.

"It won't wash off, it has to wear off, and it'll take weeks," Trashtalk wails as she raises her perfectly hooficured and painted hooves to cover her face. The royal gold fleur de lies standing out against the seven color stripes to mimic her mane and tail.

"That has to wear off, in weeks?" Rarity asks, and looks around wide-eyed and desperate. "Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?" she asks as she dashes about searching.

While Lady Rarity is hunting for me, Purple is planning my slow dismemberment, Trashtalk is contemplating hiding indoors for the rest of her life, The PinkSide, Applejack and Fluttershy are all looking very pleased with themselves. Or enjoying the comeuppance of Trashtalk.

With a smile in my heart, I move off silently. Such a good day today, setting up for the ultimate victory.

"I kin' set y'all up with some nice stallion, genteel," Applejack says, "Y'all even smell purdy."

"My life is over!" Trashtalk wails.

There might be some who'd question my wisdom in splitting the Elements of Harmony against each other. The truth is, I did it for laughs, and it was far easier than most of the tricks I've pulled on Jedi and Sith. Besides, that kind of ruthless arrogance of too many of my fellow Force users rankled me. I was not going to put up with it in my new home.

While the Bearers are busy consoling their sixth member for suddenly becoming the most fashionably stylish pony of the year, ah good, the camera kid has taken his shots and withdrawn unseen, I approach a few of the market stalls, becoming visible only long enough to purchase my supplies.

Applebloom and Big Macintosh think the day's activities are hilarious, but they're some of the few in on the joke. Carrot Top, Lyra and BonBon are all ambivalent, but money is money and I did help with the wind storm that damaged how they made their living. A storm the local weather team failed to compensate for properly.

I have much to consider on my walk back.

Cutting Applejack and Flutters out from the herd was accomplished a few days after I chased Trashtalk out of Ponyville with a bar of soap. And began during my search for more and different foodstuffs for me and my rapidly growing apprentice.

The apple trees I'd found were too uniformly spaced and protected by a fence. I realized it was an orchard, although there seemed no evidence of the cultivation like I'd seem farther on and closer to the house. I wondered if they were lying fallow. And if so, could they be scavenged?

Then came the screams of several, little girls and the soft noise of many wings.

Fruit - bats? Oh, my master would have loved this place. They hovered briefly around one location and dispersed to recongregate when the three-voiced shriek sounded from the hole in the ground.

I let off a noise of my own, with a fair amount of it in the ultrasonic where the bats' echolocation would pick it up. They fled faster than Trashtalk had from the soap. Looking down into the hole, I saw nothing. A bit of ball lightning lowered into the hole and quite a ways down, were three fillies clinging to a piece of wreckage wedged against both sides of the hole. They stared up at the ball lightning, and past it to me. I think at that moment they were more afraid of me, than they were of falling the rest of the way down the hole.

"What is your ransom?" I called down.

"Ransom?" one of them squeaked.

"What would someone pay for your return?" I answered.

"We haven't got any money," another one called up.

"What would SOMEONE pay for your return?" I called down, "A dark knight works for redress, who will provide it?" I'd already gotten a reasonable grip on all three of them, so they wouldn't be falling and I could pull them all up at will. But sending confusing messages was part of the fun.

There was a fiercely whispered debate, all the while I stared down into the hole. "Say, those bats good to eat?" I asked, "They're coming back."

That elicited another trio-shriek, and the offer followed hard after,"A kiss from the prettiest mare around!" came the squeaky reply, and more furious whispering.

The argument was sufficiently intense, and my handling sufficiently smooth and steady that the argument continued even after they were out in the clear air and away from the hole. They were kids, in appearance and in behavior.

"SILENCE!" I boomed and added a crack of thunder for punctuation. I was now facing three, terrified fillies clinging to each other rather than the wreckage and staring in horror at me. I whispered the next, now that I had their undivided attention. "If this is an attempt at deception, I shall twist your bodies and souls into a form so hideous, even its name would cause the faint-hearted to expire."

I didn't think their eyes could get any bigger.

"Is that house where I shall receive my reward?" I whispered.

The yellow one with the hair bow stuck her hoof in the mouth of the little unicorn, and nodded. The unicorn glared and growled at her friend. I raised an eyebrow, and hairbow grinned as wide, and disingenuously, as she could.

During the walk over, well I walked, they floated in a bubble, they calmed down enough to grouse. "We can walk on our own you know," the little pegasus complained.

"HA! And you would escape and claim you rescued yourselves and I was entitled to no reward," I said, "I scoff at your transparent trickery."

"Then can you carry me separately, I can't take much more," she said and glared at her two traveling companions, who were still locked into their argument. I got the distinct feeling who was the 'prettiest mare around' was up for some debate, and the pair were fierce partisans of their own faction.

"Enough!" I said, which had all three silent, wide-eyed and clutching each other. Separating the pegasus from the others, I held her suspended close to my face. "You have trifled with me for the last time, fall forever flying one!" I threw her high into the air. The other two screamed. The pegasus squealed in fear for a few moments as she wildly waved hoof and wing in her zero-g simulation, and then adapted and was soon hollering with enthusiasm. "See, your companion cries out endlessly, what shall be your fate?"

"I think she's -" Hairbow started, only to get hoof in mouth disease from the unicorn.

"Oh she's terrified, really terrified, and we've learned our lesson," the unicorn assured me, and glared at her friend. "Applebloom thinks she's terrified too." She gave just as wide and disingenuous a grin as her ally had.

Applebloom glared at the unicorn. I turned and continued my march with the pegasus making enough delighted noises she drown out the now-two-way argument. The butter-colored, adult pegasus who approached us looked at the happily soaring, little pegasus, then at my captives.

"I'm so glad your safe," she said, "Angel told me what happened, but when I got there, you were gone." She fluttered over and smiled at me. "Thank you for saving them."

"You are welcome, ma'am," I told her and bowed slightly. She smiled. Again, another cute one.

"Say, Mister," the unicorn said.

"Darth," I replied.

"Is that your name? Darth?" Hairbow asked.

"Darth is my title, like Mister or Miss or Lord," I told them as I walked.

"Ah, what's your name, Darth?" the unicorn asked.

"I am The Shadow that Slays in the Night -"

"Eep." The yellow pegasus hid under her wings.

" - The Cancer that Devours All Souls -"

The two fillies were whimpering along with the adult.

" -The Teeth that Grind the Mountains and the Sea -"

"No more," the yellow pegasus pleaded.

" - The Gnashing of Tooth and Talon in the Outer Darkness Where Insanity Holds Court over Death, Hopelessness and Mayhem," I told them, "At least my parents didn't name me 'Sue'."

There was a loud clunk as three paradigms tried to shift without a clutch. The little pegasus was still whooping through acrobatic maneuvers that would have made a toupee air-sick.

The yellow pegasus recovered first. "So you aren't, The Gnashing of Tooth and Talon in the Outer Darkness Where Insanity Holds Court over Death, Hopelessness and Mayhem the Shadow that Slays in the Night the Cancer that Devours All Souls the Teeth that Grind the Mountains and the Sea?" She took a deep breath after saying it in one go.

This one has some brains I realized.

"Of course not, that would be silly," I told her.

"So what do people call you?" the yellow pegasus asked.

"My enemies call me." And I let out a disturbing and very liquid gurgle. "When I was the apprentice, I went by 'Darth Bates', now that I am the master, and have a student, I hadn't considered a name change."

"How about 'Fluffy'?" the unicorn suggested. The others snickered slightly, except for the one high above who would be completely airsick if she paused to consider the aerobatics she was doing.

"Yes, Fluffy, the Dark Lord of the Sith and Jedi Knight." The thunder crackled. "Well suits me," I told them. There was that clunking sound again as I kept walking.

"Um, excuse me, do you know what 'fluffy' means?" the yellow pegasus asked.

"Light, insubstantial particles," I replied.

"Well, yes," the pegasus said.

I took on a menacing pose. "That is what I am, slipping unseen through the world, awaiting in shadows, ever-present but concealed."

The yellow pegasus had both hooves covering her face, and was making a sound like the mixer one of the younglings had 'fixed'. When we managed to get the badly melted case open, the innards had ground themselves to powder.

"Nay, save your tears," I told her, sounding incredible conceited, uh, magnanimous, "If it is too terrifying a sobriquet, you may still address me as Darth Bates. I will attach no malice to your actions."

Even then I knew I was laying it on thick, but I wanted the locals utterly confused about me. I wanted the whole mishmash to arrive at once with the local authorities having no frackin' idea what I was, whose side I was on, or what I wanted. I.e., 'Why does Celestia want him watched? He needs to be looked after!'

"So, they argue the point, but are you the pegasus' ransom?" I asked.

She 'eep'ed again, and stared in fright. "Ransom? Me?" her voice quavered in fear. But she had made the appropriate connection without my prompting. She was too frightened to leap into the air and escape.

Then she proved her intellect again, by noting that my 'captive' was having the time of her life swooping and zooming, and whooping with joy as her tiny wings let her perform flight maneuvers like a hummingbird, with the limits of her captivity. "What ransom did you demand?" she asked, still fearful but warming to me.

I could only guess that flight was the little pegasus' dream, and I was giving her a good taste of it.

" 'A kiss from the prettiest mare around'," I intoned as menacingly as I could.

The yellow pegasus cowered, but looked at me with great, watery eyes, "Me?"

"Are you willing to pay her ransom?" I asked, my aura of menace just from my experience, not enhanced by the Force.

She squeaked and hid most of her face in her mane, but the part I could see was blushing furiously. She nodded and made an affirmative noise.

I brushed her mane aside, took her head in my hands and kissed her very gently . . . to start with. When she started eagerly kissing back I upped the ante, then she did, and so on. Considering how shy she seemed, the tongue touching my teeth and gums, then playing tag with my tongue was unexpected. A single touch or stroke, then pulling back, only to touch or stroke from another direction.

When she finally broke for air. Jedi breath control skills. She was grinning at me. "Hi," she said happily.

I was about to agree, when I decided to get farther into her good graces. "I think your ransomee is enjoying her captivity, so I will allow you to command her release."

She grinned and nodded. I had also sensed a great well of anger in her. There were Jedi techniques she could benefit from, as well as having someone to talk with my apprentice. The isolation favored by the Jedi always bothered me. Carefully selected other people were often an excellent cure for ailments of the soul.

Then she saw the almost worshipful expression on the three fillies. She looked around in a panic and fled as if the entire Mandalorian army were after her. I suspected I'd see her again.

After my little shopping trip/makeover a.k.a. battle, I arrive back at the Castle of the Pony Sisters, least secret lair in the history of villainy. There's a big difference between keeping a secret, and people flat out not caring.

My apprentice is sitting in the courtyard garden, a hoof raised and covered with birdseed. Food for birds, in this place I bet they'd have seeds for growing birds.

She looks like a statue, until you get close enough to listen. "Welcome my little friends, please eat all you wish, but let others do the same."

A while ago, she'd started talking real LOUD for some unbelievable reason. Fluttershy and I put a stop to that with this exercise. It is also useful in teaching her patience and daintiness, another Fluttershy addition. She could now refill her hoof with seed slowly enough that it doesn't scatter the birds.

"Welcome back," she says as I draw close. A few of the more skittish flutter, but none abandon their perch. A major improvement from a voice that would scare off bears a few weeks ago. In other lessons, we are refining that to an art as well. Waste not, want not. She blushes slightly as I smile, then she continues looking at the birds coming and going. Her expression is one of simple joy. Something I'd seen on few Jedi, and only in the form of Schadenfreude on too many Sith. When joy at the patterns and rhythms of the natural world cannot inspire and humble, then you are truly lost. My apprentice had been, and I and my carefully selected team had drawn her back from the abyss. Nightmare Moon is gone. Now I just have to help my student ensure she stays dead.

I get close enough for her to nuzzle my hand without disturbing her hoofful of birds.

"You have been teasing Our Sister's student, again," she says, her disapproval manifest.

"Are you prepared to be dragged before your sister and the whole royal court by your sister's overzealous student?" I ask, and watch her horror grow. "So I will continue to distract her, while you master yourself, and I can arrange a face to face meeting at a time and place of your choosing."

She nods.

"Dismiss your friends, we have more practicing to do," I tell her.

She concentrates for a moment. The birds bow and fly off.

I consider how I collected my second ally.

The argument over 'prettiest mare' had not been decided by the time we arrived at the Apple residence. The pegasus, I now knew was Fluttershy and who I kept calling Flutter-'some appropriate endearment', had rejoined us as the trio, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom, a.k.a. the Cutie Mark Crusaders, continued to bicker about who indeed was the prettiest mare. Fluttershy kept glancing at me and blushing, and the trio of youngsters were championing their favorites. While someone called Rainbow Dash was the most awesomest, I never heard her described as beautiful. I was growing rather interested in meeting Applejack. Even factoring in her supporter's exaggerations, she sounded intriguing. And if she was anything like Fluttershy, or Luna, I had a bit I could teach her. 'Friendship' seemed a major currency here. Rarity sounded like more work.

"Applebloom!" the apple seller from my encounter with Trashtalk charged up. She seems somewhat distraught by the situation.

Fluttershy 'helped' the situation, "Applejack, you'll have to ransom Applebloom. 'A kiss from the prettiest mare around'."

Applejack's eyes narrowed. "A kiss, eh," she turned her tail to me and swivels her hips, "I'll kiss ya all right."

The blow was so telegraphed, that I could step out of the way of it. It's also an all-or-nothing action, so it not hitting, and me kneeling next to her caught her flat footed (hoofed?).

"Fight for your loved one, I like that," I said before I kissed her. I also used a Sith trick to fire off about 82% of her pleasure centers. If the Jedi ever learned that, they'd be a lot more popular. As an external cue, I sent her hat flying off as her mane suddenly stood on end of its own accord.

Her tail flying up in the air I had absolutely nothing to do with. That's also why I left those other 18% of her pleasure centers untouched. There's subtle manipulation, and then there's mental rape.

Applejack was a good deal more aggressive than Fluttershy. She used her superior strength to knock me over, although she had a foreleg cushioning my head when she pushed me to the ground. If some of the Sith, or Jedi had showed half the aggression or skill in 'dueling' as evidenced by Applejack, my life would have been a whole lot more interesting and a lot shorter.

When she broke the kiss after having delightfully subdued me, she smiled and asked, "Enough to ransom mah sister?"

"I think you have a credit blance, balance, of seven to nine rescues," I replied.

She nuzzled me and gave a coquette's smile. "Lahke to try an even dozen?"

"And have you buck me in the head for my impertinence? No thank you." I released the three filles to Applejack and Fluttershy.

"What about Rarity!?" Sweetie Belle squeaked.

"What do you think?" I asked Fluttershy and Applejack. Both started grinning and blushing furiously.

"Sweetie Belle, y'all kin tell your sisters she came in third," Applejack said.

I've stabbed people and not gotten the pained expression I saw on Sweetie Belle.

"I think Applebloom and Scootaloo need to escort Sweetie Belle home," I suggested, "I think she's going to need some moral support to deliver that message."

"What?!" Sweetie Belle said and looked near to tears. Her two friends just started consoling her on the end of the world as she knew it. I personally thought they were laying it on a bit thick.

"I think I need to explain to you what's going on. And swear you all to secrecy," I told them.

"I ain't comfortable lyin'," Applejack said as I stood up.

"Then say the truth, 'you have no need to know'," I told them, "It's not a lie, and anyone who complains they do, is the one lying."

Another pony arriving in the underground great hall brings me out of my reverie.

"Welcome Rarity," Luna says to her fellow 'padawan' they begin the training I had reminded Luna of. They square off in the main hall of the castle. Luna begins the duel, "I'll go easy on you."

The grin from the fashionista spoils the glare she gives the Princess. The returning giggle completely gets them out of their 'war faces'.

I am not stupid enough to give them lightsabers, even practice ones. If I could make even those. Especially not underground in a castle I'm rebuilding. The weapons are long, wooden dowels with several, multicolored ribbons at each end. Back in the Republic, it would be considered a child's toy, but here it is an easily concealed and very versatile weapon. Both Rarity and Luna know how to control the ribbons to bind, or slice through just about anything. They strictly limit themselves to the former when sparring. Clearing debris and making replacement timbers was where they practiced the slicing. And the Timberwolves.

Frankly, either they were a lot more combative than the 'fighters' or I was a good teacher, or both. I wouldn't have taken on either of them with my lightsaber if I didn't have to.

The whirling of rods and ribbons, small objects tossed and deflected, insults traded, and neither gain a clear advantage. Luna is the mightier, but Rarity has a subtlety and deviousness that puts her on par with the Princess. After a time I call a halt.

"Rarity, your control and precision has improved, as well as coordinating the Force with your native magic."

I let her blush at the praise.

"I bet it has made your job easier," I tell her.

"I know you said I shouldn't show off," she says a little concerned.

"You using the Force where it could be explained as your magic isn't 'showing off'. I hope the enhanced perceptions are useful."

"They are." She blows out a breath and smiles. "You are a tough opponent."

Luna grins. "I note that you showed little restraint at striking my more vulnerable points with your words."

"Darth Bates instructions, I'm afraid," Rarity says.

"I detected little loss of control," I say, "I think that we're very close to declaring Nightmare Moon gone for good."

The two mares are ecstatic, hugging and chattering like a couple of happy birds. The pair pause, glance at each other in a way that means trouble. They soon drag me into their hugs with their powers, switching between magic and the Force to prevent me from countering. Despite the frowning and embarrassment, I couldn't be prouder.

I have not, nor ever will I tell Rarity that she is the most likely backup host to Nightmare. While 'Purple' is the scholar and magic expert, Rarity has a far more flexible mind, thus the more dangerous.

"But, a meeting with my sister," Luna says, and starts hyperventilating as she has every other time I've brought it up.

"Relax, Rarity will keep the Elements busy, and I can arrange for you to meet with her privately. I think Spike already has a few places picked out we could use," I tell her as Rarity helps her breathe into a paper bag to keep from passing out.

Luna looks at Rarity. The mare smiles and nods. Luna looks at me. I also smile and nod.

Luna pushes the bag away and takes a measured breath. "All right, I'll do it. But how will you get Celestia there?"

"Leave that to me," I tell her.

Rarity facehoofs, but keeps quiet. Now that she is nearly ready to retake her place at her sister's side, I think of what I revealed to my allies in the early days of her healing.

The three adult Apples and Fluttershy sat around the table and scrutinized me closely. There was some food, but most were concentrating on my tale. The Crusaders had not yet returned from Rarity's.

"So you've got Princess Luna," Applejack said.

"I don't 'have' her. She's with me, and studying something to keep Nightmare from returning. It's like recovering from a serious disease. You aren't suddenly 'poof you're well'. She's got a lot of guilt and anger to deal with, and those are the footholds that Nightmare could enter by."

"But her sister," Fluttershy began and fell silent.

"Is the biggest stumbling block. You too have a great deal of repressed anger," I told her and had all of them staring at me.

"Fluttershy?" Big Mac said.

"Why do you think she has such confidence issues? To a great extent, it's repressed anger turned inward," I explained, "Now imagine if you build that up, and suddenly it turned outward? That's what happened to Princess Luna, and she'd be as ashamed of herself as Fluttershy would be. And just as afraid it would happen again."

"How'd you know, youngun'?" Granny Smith asked.

"It's my special talent. I always saw people and things as what they are, physically and emotionally. For example, I can tell you're an imp. You enjoyed your granddaughter turning the tables on me during that kiss."

While Applejack turned a distinct umber, the oldster cackled. "Guilty, and correct," she said. "So what're 'fraid of ifn somepony finds the Princess before she's ready?"

"At an extreme, you could use the Elements of Harmony on her, but that would be like tearing a tar stain loose hair and all, rather than wearing it away."

All the furred equines winced at that idea.

"So we kin just say nothin'," Granny Smith said.

"Well, that, and let her do some useful work around here. She needs to feel useful, and I've done enough work on farms to know that it's a lot of heavy moving requiring precision."

"Teach her to apple buck," Granny Smith said, "Big Mac cain't help ya for a while."

"I don't need no help," Applejack said, almost a growl.

"Pride makes a good servant, but a poor master," I said, "And if the student exceeds the teacher, then you have done both of you proud."

Applejack looked like she was chewing broken glass as she nodded.

"Besides, she needs to help you. No one said one word about you needing help," I told her. That got me a begrudging smile.

Celestia woke from her nap and froze at the note pinned to her pillow. She looks around for the intruder. She steps away from the bed, then looks at the note.
'Greetings and Felicitations to Celestia Solar'

The list of her titles and honors continues down half the page. Luna had been disgusted that I'd included all of them she could remember. I hadn't explained that I had none of her more modern titles, and I hoped Celestia would catch on to that fact.

'If you ever want to see your sister again, come to the intersection of Lamb Wool Street and Rose Bush Avenue at High Moon. Ditch as many of your guards as you can, the more I see, the more likely I and your sister will simply disappear for another thousand years. No Element Bearers, I will know.

Signed,

Darth Bates

Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith, Slayer of Nightmare Moon, Upper Left Fractal of the Confederacy of Wat'

I had wanted to add: 'and general doer of evil.
Discount rates available for repeat purchasers.' But I wanted her to actually meet me before I laid on the silly stuff.

Celestia crumples the note and looks at the clock. I have barely an hour and no reason to believe that this is a bluff. 'Slayer of Nightmare Moon' yet he has Luna. If this is real, I'll give him a knighthood, just before I have Captain Armor shoot him.

Celestia's window opens and she flies free into the night.

Applejack had looked at the barrel and baskets filled with apples.

"This is quite enjoyable," Luna said as she watched Applejack and I pick up the baskets.

"Yeah," the apple farmer grumbled as she loaded the wagon.

"Applejack, she didn't say it wasn't work. She said she enjoyed it," I told the disgruntled earth pony.

"Why's she got ta make it look so easy?" Applejack fumed.

"She had a good teacher," I said before Applejack's disapproval infected Luna.

"Yer better at applebuckin' than I am!" Applejack said, "And y'all use a stick."

"Well, I," I said, my haughty tone further irritating the earth pony, "Am cheating. I am evil after all, and if I can't cheat to win, I don't play." I gestured and lifted all the baskets into the wagon, then added Applejack and Luna. We headed down the cart path with no apparent motive power.

"Was that kiss cheatin'?" Applejack asked. She was both nervous, and worried.

"Of course, you needed an excuse, I provided one. In a broad sense, it was cheating," I told her. She whopped me with her hat, but she was grinning again, and leaning into me.

"Hide," Luna said and I vanished. Luna concealed herself under a tarp amid the apples. Applejack looked distinctly displeased by another attempt to replicate the kiss being foiled by circumstances. As was I.

"Hello Applejack," the Purple circumstance said brightly, "How are you moving that wagon?"

Another, albeit petty, reason for my continuing quest for revenge on Purple.

"Ah," Applejack countered brilliantly.

"Special Earth Pony magic," I whispered, my breath making her ear twitch.

"Oh, hi Twi, jist some special earth pony magic," Applejack managed.

"I never heard of it," Purple said and cocked her head.

"What are those fancy schools in Canterlot coming to?" I whispered.

"What are them fancy schools in Canterlot comin' to?" Applejack said, her expression had grown waxen, and she'd developed a creepy yet desperate grin.

"I was trained by Princess Celestia herself," Purple said, "I can learn any magic." She stomped a hoof to make her point.

"After you've had a few kids, then Granny Smith can explain it," I whispered, and was shocked when the line was delivered word for word.

"What does having children have to do with anything?" Twilight demanded as she trotted alongside the wagon.

"When I've had kids, Granny will teach me," I whisper and let Applejack deliver the line, "When she tells me, maybe I can teach you. Right now, I have no idea."

Twilight looked shocked and trotted along in silence. Fortunately, the noise of the wagon covered the muffled giggles of a Princess.

"Did you come out for a reason, Twi?" I whispered to Applejack.

That broke her stupor. "You jist bein' neighborly, or there a reason ta be out here?" Applejack said, and silently mouthed 'thanks'. Then she frowned when I tickled her ear with my breath.

"Oh, just to tell you the mayor wants to have an award celebration for you tomorrow," Twilight said, "Wow, you harvested all those apples yourself."

"Uh, well, ah, it's a," Applejack said.

"That evil Darth Bates kept buckling the trees and cackling about his evil plan. Can you check the trees for spells and such?" I whispered.

"Yeah, that crazy Darth Bates, I'd get to a tree and he'd buck all the apples out of it 'fore I could get there. He said it was his evil plan. Since yer here, can you check our trees, I'd be obliged."

"Of course, Applejack!" Purple said and raced away.

"Yer plum awful," Applejack said.

I gave her a kiss on the lips which made her blush right down to her fetlocks. "You wouldn't want it any other way."

Luna and I slipped away once the wagon was in the barn. We finished bucking the apples after Applejack had left with Twilight.

Celestia peers out from under her cloak and glances around. She stays to the shadows and her magic conceals her from most eyes. The intersection of Lamb Wool Street and Rose Bush Avenue is empty of all traffic at High Moon. She is alone, with only her shadow for company.

"I -"

Her frightened squeak interrupts my gloriously sinister arrival.

I abandon the whole 'I am Darth Bates' etc. speech and take advantage of her mouth being open to shove the magic peach inside. A moment later, Luna and I load a considerable amount of horse into the wagon and cover her up.

"Go," I tell Luna and let her drive off.

The unicorn who'd been shadowing the sovereign suddenly finds himself hanging in midair. "Let me go, villain," the white unicorn with the purple mane and tail tells me, "I'm Captain of the Royal Guard we will hunt you to the ends of the world to rescue our princess."

"Well my princess took days to psyche herself up to meet your princess, and nobody, not me and not you are going to interrupt the homecoming. They've got a lot to say to each other, and having witnesses is going to hamper things."

"What, what are you saying?" he asks as his futile struggles cease.

"Princess Luna, Princess Celestia's sister, is free of Nightmare Moon, but she's too shy to meet and receive absolution for her past deeds with a hundred dozen flunkies watching. It took days to get her to agree to just meeting her sister privately, so, you aren't going to interfere, I'm not going to interfere, and their tearful reunion shall be confidential."

"Is that what you meant by 'your sister will simply disappear for another thousand years'?" he asks.

"What else could it mean?" I ask.

He facehoofs.

"Come on, there's a bar around the corner that's still open. They'll need us quick when they need us, but until then, they don't need us at all."

"From statements like that, I can see why my sister hates you," the Captain of the Guard said, "I can walk you know."

"Your sister needs to learn to express herself. She's too repressed," I tell him.

"She wants to hang your entrails like garlands around Canterlot," the unicorn says.

I pout, and sniffle, "That's so sweet, but she never says that to me."

The poor lug finally realizes he's dealing with a complete loon, and decides if he's along for the ride, and I'm buying, he's drinking.

Training my new friends had become a major point both to help them, and to help Princess Luna. We're in a clearing a distance away from the nearly restored castle. We're away from the comforts there for a very good reason, Fluttershy looked ready to tear something limb from limb. Even Luna looked fearful.

"Let your anger out, look at your memories," I told her, much as I had Luna.

"They laughed at me," Fluttershy intoned, her breathing labored, her expression of unbridled fury, "I did my best and they laughed at me!"

"Does it matter now?" I asked.

Her expression became confused. The technique I'm using on Fluttershy denied her the ability to dissemble or prevaricate, especially to herself. It won't force out the truth, except within the target's own mind. So it's perfect for this guided soul-searching.

"You have friends, and you have talents. You've risked your life for others time and again. You've proven what they said doesn't matter. Why do you hold on to your anger? Why do you give them power they never deserved?" I watched the emotional matrix of the Element of Kindness twist and warp and mutate as she let her rational mind see the links, see what she had done and the power she'd allow others to have over her. This very rage made her fearful of anyone making her angry.

"I shouldn't," she said, "They were wrong then. They are wrong now." She squeaked happily when Luna and I hugged her.

"We don't hate you for being angry, and we don't fear you. You are our friend," I told her, and got a ferocious kiss for my statement. Luna grinned and nuzzled the pegasus.

"Oh, sorry," Fluttershy said as she released her grip on my neck.

"I'm only sorry you stopped," I told her, "You care so much, you have to learn not to be afraid to care. And you need to learn not to be afraid of being thought of as thoughtless. Your friends all know you have responsibilities. The ignorant, they are just guessing."

"I guess," she said, and glanced at Luna through her mane. "Did being angry hurt you too?"

Luna nodded. "My anger blinded me, so it could control me and feed itself. Your anger lets others control you. What you offer is a love-gift, not a requirement. You love the whole world and all the people and creatures needing help. But you can't save them all, and you can't save any of them if you destroy yourself."

Fluttershy glanced at me and I nodded. Luna was suddenly included in a three-way hug. Luna still had a problem with any display of love directed at her, especially one as total as Fluttershy's, but that would be only a taste of what her sister would heap upon her, and she thought she wasn't ready for that.

"You're such good friends," Fluttershy told us.

"We try," I told her, "And so do you."

Celestia wakes with a most delicious peach stuffed in her mouth. She realizes she's wearing a party dress. What she sees before her makes her forgive that horrid Darth Bates instantly. She spits out the peach and throws herself across the table, scattering the tea set to the floor.

"Luna," she says as she hugs her sister.

"Celestia," the other alicorn answers warily, then wariness became equal parts shame and joy, "I am so sorry for what I've done. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Luna," she says and strokes her sister's cheek with a wing, "I can even forgive your friend for kidnaping me here. Why didn't you come back?"

"I needed to be free of Nightmare Moon, and the anger that invited her in. Darth Bates helped me, and taught me some things." She grins. "So there's a few things I can put in the service of the Kingdom that even you can't do."

"Oh Luna, this was never about who could do what," Celestia says and hugs her tightly.

"It was to me, for so long. And I needed to know that even though you did my job alone."

Celestia stiffens at that, then realizes Luna isn't angry. Her sister is stating the facts.

"That I needed to remember that I did have talents that were special, and that in fairness, if you could do my job, then I could do yours."

"I think anyone with patience could do my job," Celestia says, "Other than the obvious."

"I think that may be tested," Luna says and giggles, "After all without you some ponies will panic. So he'll be taking lots of things 'under consideration.'"

"For that, I can forgive him," Celestia said, and nuzzled Luna, "And reminding me of my most important task, that I failed to do."

"We truly could share those most obvious and important tasks," Luna says, "But we still have our special talents serve each other and our ponies."

"He seems very wise," Celestia says.

"Not really, he wants to take Twilight as his next apprentice," Luna says.

Both alicorns have a good, long laugh at that.

Fluttershy and Rarity had convinced Luna to go to the spa in preparation for her meeting with Celestia, and to hang out together. That gave me the chance to set my own plans in motion for the future of my corner of Equestria. I waited until Purple headed out of the library. And I slipped in. The little dragon looked at me. Amazement became fear, then he relaxed. I realized something wasn't going according to plan here.

"Are you the guy who has been hiding Princess Luna?" he asked.

I was frankly amazed that he knew that, and more amazed that he hadn't revealed all to Purple. "Hiding and training," I admitted, "How did you find out?"

"Just stuff I picked up from Fluttershy and Rarity," he said, "Uh, Twilight's gone for a while. Do you want to wait for her?"

"No, I came here to get a library card and to talk with you. I understand the town was rather disheveled by the parasprites."

"It was a disaster!" the little guy insisted as he got the blank forms out.

"Have you ever considered getting a professional to help?" I asked, "Basically, hiring someone to arrange all the contractors, getting all the repair supplies laid in, getting the plans through city hall and Canterlot?"

"Well, Twilight sorta does all that," the dragon said as he handed over the card.

" 'Sorta' gives you a check list and it's your job to get things done?" I asked as I filled out the card.

The silence was deafening.

"Well, I can arrange for you to simply provide a professional with that list and then you can go off and do other things." I handed the card back and looked at the writing, which seemed to be Republic Standard. "Like organizing this library so someone other than the librarian can actually find a book. Why is this autobiography in the middle of the History of Equestria section?"

"He's the one who wrote the History of Equestria," the little dragon said.

"So if I wanted a survey of the writers of histories, I'd have to know the names of all the series and books they wrote?"

"Sure, where else would you put them?" the dragon answered.

"All the autobiographies together by name of the subject. All the histories together by time period," I said, and looked at the dragon having a very uncomfortable epiphany.

"That would work, but Twilight likes the books where she can find them," he said, and clearly didn't like the answer.

"If this was her private library, that would be fine," I said and glanced at the card the dragon had stamped and handed back, "But this is a public library. The public will need to be able to access these books."

"Yeah."

"Well, here," I handed him one of the fliers I'd been working on. "Think about the idea of insurance. Basically a small fee every month to be prepared for rebuilding and repair after a disaster."

"Do you know how many disasters happen around here?" the dragon asked.

"I'm getting a feeling for it," I told him.

"I shall take it under due consideration," I tell the suppliant who wants green-painted window frames banned.

Celestia, for one day's vacation from this while you reconcile with your sister, you are going to so owe me, I thought and shifted on the throne, Please, something, anything to get these self-absorbed fools to shut up!

I look up from an endless series of equally trivial details at the noise of the main doors to the throne room being flung open. I shift in a very uncomfortable throne, and gesture for the guards to stand down. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Purple, you are truly my hero!

"You kidnaped the princess!" Purple confronts me in from across the throne room along with a few other, the Element Bearers thankfully are not present. Most of the court suddenly looks at her as if she'd lost her mind. Several point and me and say or mouth 'princess'.

"Are you sure I'm not the princess?" I ask, adding a bit of Force manipulation. "The sun did rise on time this morning did it not?" The court functionaries and guards look at each other and nod.

Some of her group looks uncertain, only Purple and one or two others hold firm.

"You took the princess and I want to know what you did with her," Purple says as she charges her horn for magic. I might have been worried, if I'd actually been seated on the throne she targeted.

"Channel your anger, my young apprentice, feel it fuel your strength, revel in its power," I tell her.

"I AM NOT YOUR YOUNG APPRENTICE!" she thunders.

"Then listen up ya old bat," I reply, "Anger can serve or be the master, yours is your master. You got your hearing aid on so you'll pay attention this time, ya ole' crone. You've gotta control that or -"

"Or what!?" she shouts and bursts into flame.

"That, pretty much," I tell her, "Are you sure you don't want to be my apprentice, you've got the blind rage part down pat."

"RAWRARARAWR!" she replies as she charges up the stairs to the throne.

"How, how do I look?" Luna asked as she turned around slowly. The mirrors of the Carousel Boutique showing off wonderfully the new party dress for her first meeting with Celestia.

I personally thought the fashions here as tacky, tasteless and overblown as the fashions of Coruscant, instead I said, "Worthy of a ball at the capitol."

Luna blushed.

"I do wish I could actually fit this," Rarity said as she displayed the second dress she'd made, this one for Princess Celestia herself. She looked at me as I started to tell her. She got it out first, "I know you told me 'let the Force guide your horn' but, this is for the princess."

"Lady Rarity, with all due respect to your skill and diligence. With Luna in the room and wanting to return to her side, Princess Celestia might not notice if the dress was on fire, let alone that it didn't fit perfectly. If I'd used my full powers, you would have made a jumper and leggings for both and been done with that."

"I would have fought that with my very soul!" Rarity calls back in revulsion and horror.

"Which is why I only proposed it," I tell her. In truth, she'd been horrified that we'd talked her out of elegant gowns, and into something more appropriate for a filly's garden party.

For the Grand Galloping Gala, I must introduce her to the 'little black dress', she'll stun the fashion world, I thought and let her fuss over Luna for a little while longer.

"Why haven't you let me make some clothes for you?" Rarity asked.

"For ponies, clothes are decoration. For people like me, clothes are tools. I'd hardly hire a renowned, portrait painter to whitewash my garden shed," I told her.

She didn't like the answer, but let it drop. I knew she despised the plainness of my tunic, trousers and cloak. I also knew she had a plan forming. She was a good apprentice, devious and cunning, but with a good heart and a first-rate mind. I knew not to underestimate her.

I glanced again at Luna. Ah, happy memories. I'll needed a new apprentice, I'm losing my oldest one, I thought.

The sun shone down on Canterlot. The courtyard is small, almost intimate. Only the most honored are here. Others watch from the battlements atop the walls. Celestia, to Rarity's utter amazement, again wears the 'little party dress' she'd made for the reunion. She approaches and she herself places the medallion around my neck. "For exemplary and personal service to the Crown of Equestria, for taking direct and hazardous action in restoring Equestria to the Diarchy it was always meant to be, I award the Grand Commander of the Alicorn Order, Sir Darth Bates, Jedi Knight, Dark Lord of the Sith." She kisses me on the lips, showing considerable passion in the action. "You also have the thanks of a grateful sister."

"Delighted to be of service, your Highness, Highnesses," I tell them. I do my poor best to bow, which considering my circumstances isn't much.

Celestia steps away, standing beside her sister. Luna also wears the party dress, along with a few pieces of her restored regalia. Both of them look so happy, even though Luna is sniffling with happy tears. Fluttershy slips the blindfold over my eyes and steals a kiss.

"Do you have any last words?" Celestia asks. She's presumably warning the gunners manning, ponying?, the 25 cannons loaded with double canister that their part of the ceremony is about to begin.

"Purple, did they polish all your teeth marks out of the throne after I kidnaped the princess out from under your nose, or did they just get a new one?" I ask the officer in charge of preparing my firing squad. "The throne I mean, I know they got a new princess." I grin at Luna.

"Fire!" Captain Armor orders, the bravest one there, considering the hangover he likely has from the celebration/drinking contest the guard had around my cell last night. Applejack had proven a superb vintner, and even Rarity had participated in the first thirty-seven toasts to the Princesses collectively and individually, the nation and other such things. Armor had quit at eighty-three and Applejack, Rarity and I retired to investigate race relations. I don't really think there's a game called 'Pin the Spinning Pony', but both of them seemed to enjoy it.

Most of the cannons go off at once, a tribute to Purple's diligence. A couple fire late, and one doesn't fire at all. Of those that fire on time, two are loaded with platters of muffins. I almost hear the 'oops'.

As the smoke clears, the post I'd been tied to is sheared off at the ground.

Luna dabs her teary eyes. "Oh, 'Tia, he must have just loved it."

"He deserved the best we could offer," Celestia says and nuzzles her sister. They leave to attend the celebratory banquet as Purple deals with the hangfire.

POOF!

Purple hacks and coughs as she exits the dense cloud. "WACHOO!"

She turns green. "WACHOO!"

She's a small dragon. Down Spike! "WACHOO!"

Fireworks. "WACHOO!"

She, ah he's a white horse. Everypony blush. "WACHOO!"

Potted plant. "WACHOO!"

A bat-orange-frog combo. "WACHOO!"

Celestia. Don't sneeze, don't sneeze. "WACHOO!"

Saber-toothed bug pony. Where do they get this stuff? "WACHOO!"

Purple cloud. "WACHOO!"

Lady Gaga. Rarity such language. "WACHOO!"

A very small moon, no, it's a space station. "WACHOO!"

World's shortest giant. "WACHOO!"

Reuben sandwich. "WACHOO!"

A cloud of fur with a pony face sticking out of it. Thank you Pinkie for that mentally-scarring statement. "WACHOO!"

World's tallest gnome. "WACHOO!"

Tinkerbell the leather queen. I know what I'm wearing on our next date Applejack. "WACHOO!"

Lizard hawking car insurance. "WACHOO!"

Hawk selling lizard insurance. "WACHOO!"

Tentacle-faced, bat-winged, extremely creepy humanoid. Wings? Trashtalk ya sicko! "WACHOO!"

Black sphere with burning fuze. SNEEZE! "WACHOO!"

A very disoriented, purple unicorn

Ah a 21-gun salute, the princesses think of everything.

There are things you simply don't do to a Jedi, or a Sith for that matter. And that is, mess with their apprentice. With Luna back at home and settling in, I had been concentrating on Rarity's training, with a bit thrown in for Fluttershy, Applejack and a bit for Sweetie Belle. Unlike the Jedi Council, I was not against having family involved. That Sweetie Belle showed exactly zero talent was not her fault. I don't mean she wasn't good at things, I mean she was actually resistant to Force manipulation. Lifting her was like lifting a house. Force lightning that would make rock run like water only made her mane stand on end. She wanted 'sister time', and was an able assistant in training, so I let her help.

So it was a surprise when she came tearing into my camp, and cogently telling me that her sister had been kidnaped, where and by whom. I ordered her to go back to her sister's home, no she couldn't come with under any circumstances, and wait. I unpacked my lightsaber, a few flash-bangs I'd ginned up and headed out. The power of the Force really did want to jump to my command, and inflame my passion beyond normal reason, but I kept it reined in. The time for a reckoning was after Lady Rarity, and how ever many of her friends had been captured in various rescue attempts, were free and back in Ponyville.

Then I could return and 'explain' the error of their ways.

So I am down in these tunnels. Making less noise than the ambushers, and definitely smelling less detectably. The only thing between me and the voices of the others who'd tried to rescue Lady Rarity, is a dead fall that I cannot cross without tripping it. Then they will know where I am, and be able to coordinate a counterattack.

Yes I know, Diamond Dogs and strategy, but stranger thing have happened. Okay, there is another pair of dead falls behind me. If I trip all three together, that will reduce their ability to get at me, until I get at them.

Decision made, I trip all three, and ignite my lightsaber and begin digging through. The sounds of laughter from the steadily decreasing stone blockage fades. It is first replaced with curiosity. Only the wisest, or most cowardly jump straight to panic. Most go through incredulity at first. Rarity and Fluttershy begin spinning tales. Then Applejack's voice is heard. I wish I could hear the details, but over the keening wails of growing terror a rockcrusher at full blast would be inaudible.

I remember the last time I 'rescued' Lady Rarity, she'd gotten her self into the mess initially. And similarly, her 'friends' were simply making things worse.

"Ma'am, I know nothing about fashion," I told the pleading padawan.

"Please, please, please!" she said, hanging onto my ankle and sobbing. As well as using a substantial amount of the Force to convince me, and her own telekinesis to root me to the ground so I couldn't simply run away.

All in all, it was a very effective impromptu lesson. Since I was having some trouble batting away her 'suggestions', and slipping out of her restraint, I flung both back, and let her know I was the master.

I also gave her an opening for her rhetorical training. "Besides, if you don't tell me what it is, I'll categorically refuse."

She seized on that. "I need you to tell me what you think of some dresses."

I raised my hand to protest, giving her the slim chance to think out supporting arguments.

My padawan did not disappoint. "Don't think of them as fashion, think of them as visual representations of their inner character." She got it all out, and still clinging to my ankle looked up and smiled. "That is your special talent after all."

This foray was actually persuasive. I pulled my foot loose, and stared down at her. "I'm very disappointed," I told her, "You should have started with that argument and not wasted time and tears."

She nodded numbly.

"Well, get up, I assume they're at your shop." I lifted her onto her hooves with my power.

"But I thought -" she said.

"I was critiquing your delivery, not refusing," I said, "Good use of technique, highlighting the subpoints, very subtle and hard to counter."

"Thank you," she said, "I should have started with the bit about works of art, shouldn't I?"

"Yes," I told her, "But you are still learning. But to see your own mistakes shows you are beginning to master things. When you can see your own mistakes before you make them, then you'll be a master."

"And are you a master?" she asked.

"Not quite," I replied.

We arrive at her shop, slipping in the back way. There on her display floor are six typical examples of the hideousness that is pony fashion.

Rarity immediately became nervous. "Well, do you think - what do you think?"

"Don't tell me," I replied, "Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, you, Pinkie Pie, and I think you captured the essence of each pony superbly."

She relaxed. "I'm so glad you like them," she said.

I didn't say that, but I am not going to correct her. "I will admit, I don't understand the fashion trends, but they are up to your usual standard of excellence."

Rarity suddenly looked around and started to panic. "They're here, they're here, please hide, I - " She looked around at the apparently empty gallery. "Well, yes, thank you."

What followed was difficult to watch, and 'leave the job to the experts' kept ringing through my mind.

Cutting through the rock so as not to bring it down on my head, and to let the terror among the Diamond Dogs build is slow and pains-taking work. I had been annoyed at my upbringing, but at times like this, I am glad my parents and older siblings drilled the skills of digging, shoring and reinforcing into my head. The tunnel advances steadily, and it isn't going to collapse suddenly behind me. I remember one Jedi who made an appearance like the one I'm planning, only to have the escape tunnel collapse behind him. Leaving him, the trio he was trying to rescue, and eight platoons of angry guards in the same room together. The commander had his troops start throwing rocks at the Jedi, and with the barrage at its heaviest, tossed a couple of stun grenades well short, so the Jedi missed them.

When I rescued the four of them, I didn't go for the flashy stuff. Cut my way in through a wall, loaded them on an airspeeder I landed aboard my cruiser that 'happened' to be passing by. We got out of the atmosphere and jumped to light-speed before they knew the prisoners were gone.

If you're going to do something, do it with passion. But don't leave out common sense. The next lesson I taught Rarity.

"Don't disassemble those dresses," I told Rarity.

"But they hated them," she said, on the verge of tears and hysteria.

"The only one who knows a lick about fashion is Fluttershy, and she didn't 'hate it', she just thought it wasn't what she wanted. I say, give them what they want, and accept it is going to be a nightmare."

"Why?" Rarity asked.

"Why give them what they want, or why is it going to be a nightmare?" I asked.

"Well, both actually," she said.

"Give them what they want, because they need a lesson in letting an expert do her job. And accepting gifts graciously. It's going to be a nightmare because they know a little about fashion, but not enough. Imagine me designing those dresses."

Rarity looks like she tasted the spoiled buttermilk she'd accidentally poured in her tea. "That would be a disaster," she said and looked around, "Will you, help me?"

"I can cut patterns, and I can run the sewing machine if you set it up. I'll leave the design and customer interface to you."

"Thank you. I must get something for you," she said, "It isn't right that you do all this for just my thanks."

"Lady Rarity, I chose plain clothing for reasons that border on religious zealotry, I would never ask you to make something as unfabulous as what I will tolerate wearing."

"Someone else needs a lesson in gracious acceptance," Rarity said.

"I'd accept it graciously, thank you profusely, and leave it in a closet until the sun burned out," I told her.

She snickered at that. And we set to work.

I run my hand over the 'Rarity Original' she had made for me. I smiled at that as I work. I was and still am grateful for the gift, and the thoughtfulness that she put aside her desires and made a masterwork that I was comfortable with.

Although it took a few tricks of my own to get her safely through the travails with her honor intact.

Spike had not appreciated my appropriating then completely rewriting his copy for the fashion show. Considering the 'dresses' that the others had demanded, I used the best argument in my arsenal.

"Spike, do you really want to humiliate Rarity and your mistress when someone looks at those dresses and thinks they're serious about being high-fashion?"

The little dragon had countered with a demand to review the copy, before he read it. I accepted his uncertainty, considering the antagonism between myself and his owner, he had every right to assume I would use the opportunity to humiliate his mistress.

"I would, but I can't figure out a way to keep Lady Rarity completely clear of the midden hitting the windmill."

Again, he accepted that, and that he and I had never even had a cross word between us. I did not tell him that the humiliation of Purple and Trashtalk could be handled and ruthlessly delivered in the short interval between them realizing what they had done to Rarity, and my efforts to salvage the situation.

The copy extolled the quality of fabric, the cleverness of design, and mentioned endlessly that 'Rarity can translate your requests into reality.' When the five mares in question started realizing that their designs were giving the audience giggles, or nausea, I signaled Spike to lay in the covering fire.

"Yes, Rarity can do it all, from Nightmare Night costumes like these that will make you the most memorable guest at the party to the fine dresses you'll be seeing next. Rarity can do it all," Spike said.

Rarity looked at the little dragon with such love in her eyes. I let the little guy blush and gaze back. He always wanted to swoop in and rescue her at the last minute. Now he had. Not with weapons or combat, but with his contacts and his mind.

The fashion mogul Spike had invited was laughing his flank off. "I, I actually thought those," he said as he gasped for breath, "Those atrocities against fashion, were the dresses I'd come to see."

I slipped up to Rarity. "Go out there, apologize for the little joke, but your friends so loved their costumes, you had to let them show off."

"But they weren't costumes," Rarity whispered back from the side of her mouth.

"Bet you a lightsaber against a new wardrobe they will be when you get back here," I told her.

She smiled, and dabbed the tears from her eyes, then marched out onto the runway. "I must apologize to you all, for my teensy, little joke," she told them.

I corralled the others and pulled the rack of Rarity's original dresses out.

"You," Purple hissed, "What are you doing here?"

"Watching you nearly ruin your friend's reputation, and trying to prevent it," I answered, "Quick, get out of those, and into these. The show must go on."

"What?" Applejack asked as she stripped out of the clothes even I could tell were beyond acceptable as pony fashion.

"You see," I heard Rarity from outside, "My friends so enjoyed their costumes, I just had to let them show them off."

All of them, except Trashtalk, seemed subdued as they slipped into their gala dresses.

"I'm so ashamed," Fluttershy said.

"You should be," I told her, "So should you and you," I told Applejack and Pinkie Pie. "Rarity doesn't tell you how to buck apples, care for animals, or throw parties. You couldn't just accept she'd do the best job she could for you?"

The trio hung their heads as they dressed.

"Hmm, I don't have anything to worry about then," Trashtalk said.

"Actually, Rainbow Dash, I never expect considerate behavior from you or Twilight Sparkle," I told her flatly.

Now Trashtalk looked hurt. Purple looked worse. I suspected I had pushed things about as far as I could without angering the others. And rescuing Rarity from the debacle they shoveled on her was more important than grinding down the two 'enemies' I had in Equestria.

"Now, try and prove me wrong and go out there to salvage Rarity's reputation," I told them. That perked them up enough that they walked out and wowed the crowd. Rarity adding her own 'magic show' to the display didn't hurt things one little bit. The enthusiastic applause buoyed all their spirits.

I did have the good sense to be gone by the time they were done. Part of being a Jedi, or a Sith, was knowing when to run for it. The ones who never learned that usually wound up dead long before becoming a knight or a lord.

The tunnel still glows red behind me. I sweep the collection of Diamond Dogs, fanning Rarity, feeding her grapes, and collecting gems her magic revealed, highlighting that she was not in need of immediate rescue.

"Darling," she says from her throne, "So good to see you. As you can see, we mainly needed an exit, which you have so kindly provided."

"Gracious as ever," I say and bow. "Umm, uncomfortable moment, but, Purple does the damsel in distress bit better that you."

To say Purple fumes at this is an understatement.

"Maybe I should leave, come back in about 10-minutes?" I offer.

Rarity considers for a bit. Then tsks and shakes her head. "It just isn't fabulous, if you understand what I mean. I must simply accept that despite beauty, talent, and a wonderful mane, and there are just some things others do better than I. A burden, but I must rise above it."

I bow again. Purple looks like she could chew through the rocks and get up to the surface without my newly made tunnel, or anyone's help.

As they follow me out, pulling carts loaded with gems, and Rarity picking out additional ones for the dogs to keep, I remember. "So how did the scientific explanation finally turn out, Purple?" I hear her grinding her teeth and growling. "About the Pinkie Sense, and the Force I mean."

"I know what you mean!" she shouts.

I remember one of the 'funnest' duels I had with Purple. And the fundamental debate we'd had on the nature of science.

"Science is about reproducibility," I explained to The PinkSide as we sat in Sugar Cube corners, Luna was psyching herself up for her meeting with Celestia, so I had some time alone. "It's about if a, then b."

The PinkSide nodded. "Oh, I've got that, I've got it all diagramed," she told me, and pulled out a 15-page manual on her various twitches, tingles, et. al. and their results.

"Can I have a copy of this made and observe?" I asked politely. I had a theory that The PinkSide was somehow using the Force, because Earth Pony Magic wasn't supposed to operate as Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity all insisted the Pinkie Sense did. Luna agreed that she'd never heard of such a talent before. I assumed that it was a 'sport', a rare talent that was the accumulation of something else. But I had to know whether it was Force-related, or magic-related. The idea that someone here had tapped into the Force was tantalizing. Even if it was The PinkSide.

"Oh, I had copies printed up once Twilight got interested, but she hasn't picked hers up yet."

"WHAT!" the suspiciously noisy, and nosy, potted plant shouted. "You knew I was following you all this time?"

"So did anyone with ears," I commented, "Try a pencil next time. They're quieter."

She glared at me. Typical. "You stay out of this! And don't encourage her. This Pinkie Sense makes no sense."

Twitchy tail. I looked around, I'd gotten that one from Applejack, and Rarity, and Fluttershy, and Zecora, and you get the idea.

The plaque dropped off the shelf and stopped inches from Purple's head. The PinkSide of course laughed. Now I hadn't picked up any disturbance in the Force. But maybe it's passive, I thought.

Purple looked up at the object being restored to the shelf. "You did that on purpose."

"Even if I had, it in no way eliminates the prediction," I replied.

Purple stormed off, and I threw the foulest epithet in my arsenal at her. "Closed-minded priest," I said.

The PinkSide was staring at me curiously.

I felt embarrassed at having called one of her friends that, but Purple gets under my skin as much I try to get under hers. "Priests demand the world fit their cosmology, and new data is either summarily dismissed, like Purple just did, or the open-minded try to fit it into their world view without too much trouble. The Darcy believe that circles show the perfect order of the cosmos. They were generating epicycles over epicycles to explain the elliptical orbits, when one enterprising priest said 'The Evil One cannot master the world, but he can warp it to lead the foolish astray.' Crises of faith over the planet averted, endless arguments over added epicycles eliminated, astrologers and mathematicians back to useful work, and both sides getting together to burn him alive as a heathen. But he got their civilization rolling, and after he was safely dead, they made him a saint."

"Those are some weird people," The PinkSide said.

"I nodded, priests are just politicians who war on your conscience and superstitions, they don't even have to be religious, just dogmatic."

The PinkSide nodded.

I spent sometime following The PinkSide at a discreet distance, leafing through the book, watching the predictive nature of her powers, and dodging a rather persistent bush that was attracting a tremendous amount of trouble. A level of trouble my more accepting observational style did not invoke. Or maybe I was quieter and more aware of my surroundings when I stalked. So I didn't step on the bear, like Purple did. I didn't scratch so loud I attracted a skunk, like Purple did. I avoided hiding in a bush of sweet smelling flowers that were attracting bees, like Purple did. I didn't position myself directly under a flying moving van, like Purple did.

On a side note, the flower pot I let go because it was funny. The kitchen sink, the anvil, and the piano I shunted aside or soft-landed, because that would have just been cruel. Pianos are delicate instruments, shoving a hard-headed priest through one would have ruined it. Ditto the sink, and probably the anvil.

Purple didn't fare too well on her investigations. And she was pretty testy about it when I went to save Fluttershy at Froggy Bottom Bog.

"That makes no sense," Purple shouted loud enough that they might have heard it in Canterlot.

"Where's the fun in making sense?" I asked, "Why hasn't Trashtalk broken every bone in her body with her inferior landing skills? Why have ponies not reclaimed their ancient homeland, when their ruler for the last thousand years has control of the sun? Why are their handles on coffee cups? You want irrational impossibilities, I can, go, on, for, days." I and all the ponies were looking up, and up, and up.

Purple was winding up for another rant, when Applejack asked, "Why aren't we runnin'?"

"Walk, don't run," I warned, as I concentrated, "Running attracts its attention."

Applejack led the way, holding on to a terrified Fluttershy's tail, while The PinkSide held hers. Just because Fluttershy was first in line did not make her the leader. Closed eyes and frantic whimpering is an automatic disqualifier.

"Why isn't he attacking?" Purple asked, "It makes no sense."

"What aren't you leaving? That makes even less sense." I didn't use the hand gestures that so many Jedi used to make their use of the Force more theatrical. I frankly didn't want people to know what I was doing. It had good points and bad. Bad was when certain purple unicorns can't take a hint from a clue-by-four. "I'm using the Force, it has a strong influence on the weak minded," I told Purple as I gestured hypnotically at her.

For a brief instant I would have been more afraid of Purple than the hydra. Four really stupid brains are not that difficult to control. Adding a fifth that is strongly fixated increases the difficult tremendously.

She marched off in pursuit of her friends. I kept the hydra enthralled as I retreated. Out of sight was definitely out of mind.

"Now, how is that supposed to work?" Purple asked as I approached, "All this 'Force' stuff, you're no magician."

"I'm no magician," I said and pointed at the four growing towers along our line of march. "I think the doozy hasn't yet Doozied." This hydra had eyeshadow, and an even worse attitude than the first. "Must be her time of the century," I said and then realized I couldn't control all eight of those minds, especially when they were fixated on one goal.

This time they followed Fluttershy's lead. People who say Fluttershy isn't a fast flier have never seen her in action. Of course, a pair of courting hydras is a very effective encouragement.

Reaching the edge of a cliff, I watched another example of 'irrational impossible'. Fluttershy jumped rather than flew, and then Purple dithered. "Teleport you ninny!" I shouted at her, and she acted as if she'd never thought of it. Fortunately, she did get over to the other side.

With all the delicious morsels out of reach, it was easy to vanish from sight, smell and sound from the hydras. The two of them raged at their escaped meal, but eventually wandered off. That was the first time I saw Purple go phoenix, and it was truly a sight to see. She then simply accepted that The PinkSide neither understood, nor cared about the genesis of her Pinkie Sense, and that Purple shouldn't either. Stupid priest. If that's what she has to go through to gain any 'enlightenment' she's going to be going on and off like a strobe before she really understands the universe.

I drop the ponies off at Rarity's for a decompression/after-rescue-from-those-Meanie-Diamond-Dogs party. I swear The PinkSide is as good as the Council at overblow/useless names. I, however, continue back to the castle. I would have stayed, but neither Trashtalk nor Purple would relax with me around. The gems Lady Rarity collected will go to her fashions. And the Diamond Dogs got a fair warning of who and what would come after her if they took her. A good couple of months all in all.