Fallout: Stupidity

by The Dankest Meme

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Original Character, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Main 6
Length: 5728

The Wasteland is a cruel, unforgiving place. But hey, I saved Equestria once, why can't I do it again? (Sequel to The Dangers of Stupidity)

Time for me to save the world again, I guess. Although, this time, it's going to be pretty different. Equestria has changed ever since the Great War, both physically and socially. But it's nothing I can't handle. I'll have to make a few more friends, and especially a lot of enemies, but hey, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.

(This story is a completely separate headcanon from Kkat's version of Fallout: Equestria. If you've read the original, then expect to see almost every facet of that universe shattered with a moderately large rock. Leave everything you know about FoE at the door.)
(This story has a pretty damn surprising twist ending that explains how stupid and disjointed the whole thing is gonna be. If you want the spoilers, PM me and I'll make sure to answer you within a day or two.)

Published 2015-02-26 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-30 23:55:42 UTC

Trapped

Chapter One

Trapped

"The Enrichment Center reminds you that cake and grief counseling will be available after the testing has concluded."

Death.

Horrible, flaming death.

"Look out!" a massive plume of green fire fell from the sky, landing on myself and the Elements. We would've died if it weren't for the shield that Twilight and I formed together.

"We need to get to Stable X!" Twilight shouted. "It's the closest one to here!"

"Where is it?" I asked her, holding the shield up on my own. The Balefire continued raining down on us.

"It's underneath Sweet Apple Acres!"

"Then I guess that's where we're going."

"Just one problem." she replied. "We can't move the shield with us."

"... Go. It's only a short distance from here. I'll spread this out to the barn, and you can keep yourselves safe."

"But what about you?"

"Don't worry. I'll be fine. You and the others are a lot more important than me."

"What are you talking-" Twilight was cut off by a shower of possibly radioactive dust.

"I said go! I can't keep this up much longer! I'll meet you in the Stable!"

"But-"

"Go, damn it!"

The six mares galloped off underneath my cover. In the distance, I could see a wave of Zebras marching towards my position.

I drew my Blades of Exile. The shield fell, and I charged into the soldiers, screaming wildly and whirling my blades around me in a tornado of blood. I powered up my Jets of Helios, flying towards Sweet Apple Acres.

"Why are you still out here!?" I screamed, seeing them standing in front of the Stable door.

"We can't get in." Twilight said. "The door's sealed."

"Then I'll just unseal it." I spun my blades in a circle, cutting out a pony-sized hole in the door.

"Get in there!" they all filed through the hole. Applejack stopped, turning around to me.

"How're ya gonna get in? Yer too big t' fit through here."

"I'm not getting in."

"What!?"

"I'm going to protect the Stable. You're too valuable to be unguarded for all this time."

"Ya can't just stand out here forever! You'll die before ya c'n do anythin'!"

"It'll be worth keeping you safe for a little while." she stopped for a few seconds, looking at me sadly.

"Well, Ah'm gonna miss ya."

"Same here. Tell the others I said goodbye."

I picked up a boulder, slicing it apart into the perfect shape and closing Stable X for good with it.

"Now, there should be a stash of Rad-Away somewhere around here..." as I climbed up a ladder to the barn's loft, I completely forgot about the new defense system. The moment my head crested the ledge, an automatic turret fired a storm of poisoned darts into my neck, paralyzing me. I fell from the ladder, quickly finding myself unable to move. After a moment of contemplation, a grim realization washed over me.

If I couldn't move, I was trapped here while the Megaspells fell.

A New... Dawn?

Chapter Two

A New... Dawn?

"If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!"

Five years later

I had watched the Megaspells slaughter every last semblance of life in Equestria. I had seen the pegasi close up the sky, draping the Equestrian Wasteland with a grayish light instead of the typical clear sunshine. Various denizens of the Wasteland had stolen all of my weapons, believing that I was dead. I couldn't speak, so their beliefs were nearly correct. Celestia and Luna had put up a massive shield over Canterlot, keeping it protected from the Zebra onslaught. After a short time, I saw the shield slowly turn bright pink. It wasn't a change in magic. There was some kind of gas inside it.

Then, in an instant, I felt a twitch in my right leg.

What the hell? Am I... moving again?

I rose to my feet and felt my spine crack loudly, looking around me at the horrifically poisoned world that had once been Equestria. The skeleton of a unicorn sat on the ground next to me, a box laying beside it with a note that read, "Open this when you get it. -Twilight".

"I wonder what's in here." I pulled the box's lid off, revealing a small sleeve made from an unusual material that looked almost like plastic. A light green screen covered part of the object. There was an inscription on its side.

"PipBuck MK. 3000. The vital tool of any Wastelander!

Copyright of Stable-Tec Industries."

I looked back at the box. Inside was an instruction manual, likely for the PipBuck.

"Let's see..." I followed the directions and fixed the machine to my wrist. It automatically powered itself on, showing me a long message.

Greetings, Stable Dweller!

If you are reading this, then you have officially recieved your standard issue Stable-Tec PipBuck 3000 MK. V. This also means that you have finally gained your cutie mark, and you will be assigned a job within your Stable shortly. The PipBuck 3000 MK. V has a large variety of useful features, including a flashlight, inventory organizer, radiation detector, and a radio, pre-tuned to your Stable's broadcast frequency. We give you the best of wishes in your survival.

Sincerely,

Stable-Tec

I plugged the included earbloom into the PipBuck, hearing an all too familiar voice.

"Hello?" Twilight called. "Is anypony out there? My name is Twilight Sparkle. Myself and the rest of the Elements of Harmony are safe inside of Stable X, but a dear friend of ours sacrificed himself to save us. Many of you may know who I'm talking about. The Savior of Equestria, Arrick. If you're listening to this, find Stable X and Arrick. He can open the door for you and give you shelter.

Arrick, if you're listening, then I assume you got the PipBuck I sent you. Open the Stable door as soon as possible!"

The message began to repeat. I toyed with the frequency, finding another radio station.

"Good evening, children. This is your faithful pal, DJPon3. My assistant went out for a while and brought me some records she found. Here's the newest addition to the Wasteland Radio, "Ain't Love A Buck to The Head?", by Deuce Domino!"

"Was that... Vinyl? I need to find out where this signal is coming from. But first up is getting this damn door opened."

I instinctively reached to my back, before I remembered that my Blades of Exile had been stolen by a hellhound two years ago.

"Do I still have my powers?" I focused on lightning coursing through my body. Nothing. I decided to start pushing on the door with all my strength, but to no avail.

"Maybe there's something around here I can use." I opened the barn door, finding a complete and utter stockpile of weapons. Clearly, the defense system had kept anyone from breaking into here.

Which meant that I was next.

"Oh, shit!" I dove out of the way before the turret could start shooting at me, picking up a somewhat heavy shotgun and unloading it towards the robotic death machine. Only a small amount of the spread hit my target.

Wait. S.A.T.S.!

My knowledge of Fallout: Equestria is really coming in handy.

I pressed a few buttons on my PipBuck. Time slowed down for a brief period, allowing me to strike the turret with practically surgical precision. I had switched from the shotgun to a pair of revolvers, finding them to be much more accurate. A shower of sparks exploded from the turret, allowing me to continue my search. I decided to pick up a few of the weapons, carrying the two pistols, a shotgun, and a sniper rifle. Finally, my quest found victory.

In the form of a crate filled with grenades.

"Jackpot!" I dragged the crate outside, pulling a gun from it and firing a few grenades at the Stable door. Surprisingly enough, they didn't do anything more than dent it.

Well, ain't this just fine and dandy?

I bolted back to the barn, finding a large rocket launcher. Immediately, I pulled the trigger, sending an exploding tube of destruction at the rock I had sealed the door with.

"Yes!" I just barely managed to squeeze through the opening, and my weapons made it a lot harder.

"You better turn around right now, punk." a blue pegasus held a pistol to my eye, ready to shoot me if need be.

"I'm sorry, but that's just not possible. Where's Twilight?"

"You mean my mother?" he bit his tongue in anger. "I'm not telling you."

"Mother!? How did she have a foal? There were only mares in here when I locked the door!"

"Locked the door? You're Arrick?"

"Yes! I was trying to tell you that! Now where's Twilight and the others?" he pointed to a silver door behind him.

"Thanks. What's your name, kid?"

"First of all, I'm not a kid. I'm technically twenty-four. My name is Jet Stream."

"Interesting name."

I inserted a small cord into the door, unlocking it with ease. Twilight and the Elements sat in a circle, quietly conversing with each other.

"Twi?" I tapped her shoulder, making the mare stagger in fear. She smiled at me for a moment before breaking free of her stupor.

"Arrick!" she jumped up from the floor, wrapping her forelegs around my neck.

"How's it goin'?"

"Pretty well, thanks to you! Although, I did have to use some... embarrassing magic to create our foals in case we needed a second generation in here."

"Speaking of which, your son almost killed me a minute ago."

"Yeah, he's a bit of a fighter. Takes after his mom."

"What?"

"Rainbow Dash, not me."

"Oh.

Hang on. Foals? Like, with an S?"

"The others are in the next room."

"... I'll be right back."

I strolled forward into what I assumed was their foals' home, where three large beds sat in a semi-circular organization. In one was a white unicorn with a nearly platinum blonde mane and a cutie mark of a crystal apple. She looked up at me, seeming quite confused.

"Hi." I said flatly. The filly just stared at me.

"You okay?"

"W-Who.... who are you?"

"I'm Arrick. Don't worry, I'm your parents' friend. I'm not gonna hurt you." I smiled warmly, letting her ease back into her former demeanor.

"My name's Amber Gala, but everypony just calls me Amber." I shook her hoof with my hand. She stood up, lifting a bottle of Sparkle-Cola with her light purple magic field. I noticed that she was a lot taller than Jet Stream. Maybe she was older, too?

"Where's the other foal?" I asked Amber curiously.

"He's in here." she pulled a string with her telekinesis, turning on a massive lamp that practically covered the entire ceiling. A butter-yellow earth pony rose from one of the other beds, his dark pink mane draping over his eye.

"Somethin' wrong, Amber?" he asked. "Why'd you turn the light on? I was tryin' to sleep."

"You do that all the time, Berry Blitz. I think you can live without a few minutes of unconsciousness."

"Whatever." he sighed, climbing out of his bed and walking up to me.

"Who's this dude?" Berry Blitz looked at me in confusion for a moment, while I simply waved at him awkwardly.

"Name's Arrick. I'm the one that sealed the Stable door a while back."

"Sweet. I can't even tell you how awesome you are."

Seems like my kinda colt. Does that make me a narcissist?

"Welp," Berry stretched for a second, "I got sleep t' catch up on!" he flopped back into his bed, completely ignoring Amber's exasperated groan.

"If he would just get out of that stupid bed for ten minutes..." Amber whispered to herself, shaking her head in disappointment. I strolled back into the previous room, sitting down next to Rainbow Dash.

"Hey, Twilight," I said curiously, "how is it that I'm even still alive? I mean, I was sitting completely still for five years straight. I shoulda died of hunger or thirst way before now."

"What do you mean by sitting still?"

"I forgot about the new defense system in the barn, so when I tried to climb up to get some Rad-Away, I was shot by a bunch of poison darts. They basically paralyzed me for half a decade. I ended up watching everything, from Canterlot being destroyed to the pegasi closing the sky. Plus, all my weapons were stolen, and for some reason, I can't use my powers anymore."

"Canterlot fell!?"

"The pegasi closed the sky!?"

"Yeah. Celestia and Luna put up a shield over Canterlot to keep it safe from the Megaspells, but then out of nowhere, it starts turning pink. After the shield dropped, I realized that it was some kind of Megaspell that had been set off underneath the city. Then, after a couple years, the pegasi put a cloud cover overtop of the entire Wasteland. I don't think anyone's seen sunlight in years. But, I thought of some things. However, they're simply based on something I remember from back on Earth. It was a lot like this, so I might be able to plan a good amount of really important stuff.

Rainbow Dash, how'd you like to help me steal a flying tank?"

"You mean... from the Enclave?"

"Yep."

"I dunno about that. I mean, the Enclave has the entire sky patrolled constantly by elite soldiers. It'd be suicide to go up there, much less steal something from them."

"That's why I have an idea. I'll need to do some research first, though."

"What would that entail?" Twilight asked me eagerly.

"First, I need to go to the Everfree Forest, then to New Appleloosa."

"There's a New Appleloosa?"

"Hopefully. Also, I'm going to need your help. There'll definitely be a requirement for your magic skills."

"When are you leaving?"

"As soon as possible.

Hey, did anyone else notice that weird clicking noise? It's getting really annoying."

"I heard that too..." Rarity noted, looking for its source.

"Hang on." I realized.

"It's my PipBuck!" I moved it around, trying to see where the clicking became strongest, but it never changed.

"I think it's coming from me!"

"Stand still for a second." Twilight instructed, wrapping me in a magic field.

"What did you say happened after you closed the door again?"

"The poison darts paralyzed me, and I essentially watched the end of the world as we know it."

"I have a theory as to why you're giving off this strong of a signal.

Your body's been nearly infused with radiation from the amount of time you spent near it. Apparently, the overwhelming strength and paralytic effects of the poison put you into a strange form of stasis, which explains why you're alive."

"So I am radioactive." I smiled at my semi-intentional reference. "And there's no way to purge it from my body?"

"I could, but if I used the spell, there's a large chance that you'll die."

"I think I can deal with this for now." I chuckled for a second, finding it a bit refreshing.

"Okay. By the way, are you going to be ready to leave tomorrow?"

"Actually, I've got some things to do that'll probably take me about two days. I'll be back in a couple hours."

"Are you sure it's a good idea to go out there alone?"

"Don't worry, Twi. I can handle myself just fine, even without my powers."

I crawled back through the hole, reloading my pistols in the process. I was only partially prepared for what awaited me.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Night Visions - Your body itself is radioactive, allowing your vitality to regenerate faster when you are near sources of various toxins.

Whatever it Takes

Chapter Three

Whatever It Takes

"You wanna take what's mine, you gotta beat me."

"Ya better give us yer shit before we take it from ya." A coal-colored unicorn mare stepped out from around the corner, holding a wickedly jagged knife to my chest. Her mane was possibly red or even white, but it was so smeared with blood and grime that I could barely tell. Surrounding her were multiple other ponies holding hilariously dilapidated weapons.

"Sure..." I replied warily, reaching behind me slow enough that she couldn't notice. I pulled a butterfly knife from my pocket and jammed it into her throat before she did the same to me.

"Cragger!" Her name was all that a dark green buck could say before I activated S.A.T.S., blowing a hole through his skull with my pistol. I continued gunning the swarm of raiders down until I heard a sound. To some, it would've been undetectable. But to me, it was the most deafeningly loud noise in existence.

Click!

My gun was empty. In an act of desperation, I picked up Cragger's knife, jumping over a unicorn and stabbing him in the back with all my strength. The blade snapped in two, leaving one half inside him. I moved on to the last of their group. One of them was a grey earth pony mare with almost no hair minus the small patches of fur on her sides. She was laughing psychotically, her eyes spreading further apart as she cackled. A shotgun sat at her hooves, seemingly in great disrepair. Next to her was a yellow unicorn levitating a baseball bat and a revolver with his blue magic field. He wore a black helmet with a short blade attached to it. There was a high likelihood that the mare's gun would jam if she tried to shoot me. Even if it didn't, I would definitely survive being hit, even by the full spread. As for the buck, I would almost certainly be able to take him out before he could attack me. I decided to go after the dual-wielding pony first, throwing my butterfly knife at him. It struck his eye with almost surgical precision, forcing him to drop his pistol. He waved his bat around like a madman as he screamed in pain and fell to the ground, rolling across the blood-soaked dirt. I tore the knife from his head, leaning down and staring into his good eye.

"I'm not going to kill you." I growled. "I don't want to waste the bullets. However, since I need some information, and I consider myself to be a bit of a sadistic bastard, I will get it, no matter how much shit I have to beat out of you."

"I ain't tellin' ya nothin'!"

"We'll see about that." I turned my attention to the mare, who watched me interrogate her friend with glee.

"Shoot his hooves off!" She cheered, clapping her forehooves together in excitement.

What. The. Fuck?

"I'm just gonna borrow this." I slid the shotgun away from her, holding it to the buck's face.

"When I pull this trigger, it's probably going to jam. You'll live, and I can keep finding all kinds of fun little ways to scare you."

"But what if it doesn't?" He spat back. "It'll kill me, and you'll be fucked. Six-Shooter over there can't tell ya anythin'."

"Oh, well. I can just find another worthless piece of shit like you. Tell me, buddy, what's your name?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"No thanks, I have a girlfriend. Now what's your name?"

"Boomstick."

"Okay, Boomstick. Let's play a little game." I tossed the shotgun away, grabbing his pistol.

"There's one round left in this gun. I'm gonna spin the magazine around and wait until it shoots you. Back home, we called this Russian Roulette. Interesting people, those Russians."

"Fuck's the matter with yer race?"

"And you're that much better?" I gave the trigger a light squeeze. A bullet flew through Boomstick's left ear, ripping it to shreds. With a shrug, I switched to the bat, giving him a nice, strong whack in the side. He grunted loudly as I continued beating him.

"When're you going to tell me what I need to know?" I whispered in his other ear, giving him a kick in the ribs.

"When you meet me in hell."

I just barely tapped the bat's tip against his head, giving my swing a good trajectory. Settling into a golf-like position, I inadvertently spattered his brain across myself and Six-Shooter.

"Yay! Again, again!"

"I... don't think so." I rid myself of the disturbed mare with another swipe of the bat, snapping her neck like a twig. I stepped into the barn, searching for the destroyed turret. After tearing every last bit of wiring from it, I carried out an anti-machine rifle with me.

"I think I've found what I needed." I announced, popping back into the Stable. Fluttershy cowered in fear behind Rarity, seeing my thorough coating of blood and gore.

"What happened out there?" Twilight asked fearfully.

"I got ambushed by a bunch of raiders. Luckily, one of them was carrying a baseball bat, which was the very object of my quest. Then, I found some wiring in a broken turret. I'm going to make some modifications to my PipBuck."

"Why do you need a bat for that?"

"I just wanted a good melee weapon. Nothing else."

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Judge - Your strength increases by 10% when you are ambushed by enemies. This Perk increases as you level up.

With Eyes So Red

Chapter Four

With Eyes So Red

"This is our story. Now let's see this thing through together!"

Twilight and I stalked our way through the Everfree Forest, being careful not to attract any possible threats. Who knew what kind of horrid beasts we would find here? After an hour or two, we came upon a massive building, one with white stone walls and guard-ponies positioned around its windows, which were made from stained glass. One of the windows showed an image of a human with wings, a horn, and plants sprouting at his feet, although it wasn't me.

It was Benson!

"What the fuck!?" I whispered to myself in shock. Crawling on my hands and knees, I found a small air vent that was just about wide enough for me to fit through.

"Twi, come here." She climbed into the vent after me, and we traveled through the building undetected.

"Is there something important here?" Twilight asked me.

"Yeah. I think we've found our destination." I looked down through a grate, seeing something intensely disturbing.

Benson stood in the center of a massive room filled with vats of glowing chemicals, forcing a group of unicorns into a cage and shooting the ones that resisted against him.

No. I must be looking at this wrong. He wouldn't do something like this!

I clambered in fear as a bullet fell from my pocket, landing directly on his head.

Fuck. Me.

"Guards!" He hissed. "Find the intruders!"

Two strange creatures materialized beside him. They were bipedal, but with glimmering black skin, alongside horns and wings. Their eyes were a lifeless shade of turquoise.

Are those Changelings?

"I'm right here!" I shouted, shoving the vent open and landing in front of him.

"Well, then, what do we have here? The Savior of Equestria, coming to rescue the helpless slaves?"

"Nope. I was here on recon first. But now, I'm shutting this whole Celestia-forsaken operation down." I brandished my pistol at him in an attempt at intimidation.

"Ha! You wouldn't shoot me. You're nothing but a spineless pushover."

"That was both right and wrong. Correct, I'm not going to shoot you, but I'm about as far as you can get from spineless." Holstering my gun, I pulled the raider's bat from my back.

"You may have a bat, but I...

Have a sword." Benson drew a terrifyingly sharp blade, swinging it at me with enough force to blow my jacket back. I dodged the attack just in time, jabbing him in the stomach with my bat.

"Don't bring a club to a swordfight. That should be common sense." I noticed that Benson's eyes held a tint identical in color to that of the Changelings, as did his skin.

I've got a chance, might as well take it!

I lunged forward, crouching down as I moved and punching him in the groin in a split second of prediction and speculation. He dropped to his knees, groaning in pain. For a moment, his body turned back to normal.

"Arrick! The basement! The... basement..."

"Welp, now I know where I'm goin'." I gave him a light smack in the head, strong enough to knock him unconscious, but not enough to cause permanent damage.

"Help!" I turned around, seeing one of the mutant Changelings holding onto Twilight with seemingly great force, keeping her from moving. She released an outward blast of magic, but the Changelings were apparently immune to it or extremely resilient.

"I'm on it!" I flipped a switch on the bat, triggering a magic-based mechanism that caused a razor-sharp blade to spring forth from one side of it.

"Eat this!" I called out, practically slicing the Changeling in two with a single jumping strike. The other one flung a series of knife-like spines at me from its wings. I blocked most of them, but one managed to connect, tearing through my shoulder. In the seconds between, I performed a quick swing, bashing his skull in first, then coming back to send part of it flying through the air.

"Twi, climb back into the vent. They can't get to you up there." I pulled the Changeling's projectile out of my flesh with a short wince, leaving behind a small puncture wound.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm goin' to the basement."

"Why?"

"For a second or two, I knocked Benson out of a weird kind of mind control or some shit like that, and he told me to go to the basement. So I am."

"I'm not letting you go down there alone. Let me come with you!"

"... Fine. Just be careful."

We strolled towards a sealed metal door labeled "Basement: Cybernetics & Storage". I plugged my PipBuck's access tool into it, hacking my way through the layers of code that kept themselves between me and my objective.

"Arrick! More Changelings!"

"Keep them off us for just a few more seconds." I barely paid attention to her, seeing that I was nearly in.

"Suck it, door!" the password was "Chang3l1ng". I spun to my feet, grabbing my bat and decapitating one Changeling, bludgeoning another, then disemboweling the last, all in a single 900° rotation. Sheathing the blade, I looked at my weapon in disappointment. The pristine white steel was now marred with dents and green bloodstains. I noticed that the electric blue bands around the handle were already becoming a bit worn, and the pair of black eighth notes marking the tip were nearly impossible to see underneath the almost opaque blood.

"Thanks." She said. "That was close."

"Yeah, I guess it was. We should probably head downstairs. You ready?"

"About as much as I can be."

I pressed a button on the door, quickly opening it and catching a horrid stench that sent me completely reeling in disgust. It smelled familiar for some reason. A memory flashed through my head, confirming my suspiscions.

"Holy shit!" I screamed as Celestia, Luna, and I walked into the Changeling Hive.

"Are you okay?" Celestia asked me.

"I'm fine, but what the hell is that smell!?"

"Be quiet!" Luna whispered angrily. "That is the scent emitted by the Changelings'... mating rituals."

"So, what I'm smelling is Changeling jizz!?"

"If you would like to put it bluntly, then yes. Now silence yourself. We are on a diplomatic excursion, not a declaration of war."

"I know it smells, but you really don't wanna know what it is."

We trudged through the basement of Benson's... Cathedral? I wasn't sure if it was the same as how I remembered it. As we got closer to the end of the massive staircase, I could distinctly hear a high-pitched moaning that was impossible to discern from pain or pleasure. I truly hoped it was the former.

"Watch yourself, Twi. I think we're getting near these Changelings' queen."

"Okay."

I slowly pumped my shotgun, trying my best not to make very much noise.

"Ahh..." A decidedly female voice sighed, "thank you, my subject."

Well, shit.

They never noticed me until I pulled the trigger, blowing the male Changeling off of Chrysalis' back. She perked up in an instant, turning her gaze on me.

"What are you doing here!? Guards!"

"I don't think you'll be seeing them any time soon, unless you like being protected by lumps of chitinous meat. They've been out of commission for quite a while now, thanks to Vinyl's Scratcher. Then again, I could never figure out whether to call it that or "Scratch's Needle". Difficult decisions..." I was simply toying with her as I tossed my bat into the air and caught it, twirling the base around on my fingertip.

"Y'know," I said ponderously, "I was wonderin', why're you still completely normal? Shouldn't ya be, like, some kinda disgustin' blob o' radiation?" I tried to give my voice a certain Bostonian affectation.

"I have been mutated on the inside, you insolent child. Now, unless you are going to replace my drone, then leave!"

"How 'bout no?"

"Then I will have to force you out!"

"Uhh... I don't even know where to start. I mean, do you even know who you're talkin' to?

D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am? Basically, kind of a big deal. Look, lemme tell ya somethin'. You listenin'?

Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and sister, I hurt people."

"I'm a force a' nature!" I bashed her in the chin with a loud exclamation of "Boink!".

"Bonk!" I created a large crater in her exoskeleton, particularly in her torso.

"If you was from where I was from, you'd be fuckin' dead!"

After my brief assault, Chrysalis sent a wave of green energy from her horn that blew me onto my back, allowing her to stand up.

"I told you to leave, but you didn't listen. Now, you will pay the price!"

Her body practically exploded, reforming into a disgusting, writhing mass of tentacles and tails with her head in its center. I pulled out my pistols and began firing, but the bullets did almost nothing. That was, until a lucky shot struck her eye. Chrysalis roared in pain, revealing a large red boil-like structure underneath her neck. I dashed forward and slashed at it with my bat-blade, drowning myself in blood and making her roll over. On the underside of her body were at least five more of the boils, likely the only spots that would harm her.

"Twilight, remember what I taught you?"

"Yeah!"

"Do it now!"

My body coated in her lavender magic, I flung myself across the poisoned Changeling, slicing through the boils as if they were paper. Finally, I flipped into the air, dropping back down and burying my blade in the last one. Chrysalis inexplicably melted with a mind-rending scream, leaving behind two massive chests. I tried to open them, but of course, they were locked. Pulling a screwdriver and a bobby pin from my pocket, I went to work on the first chest. After a few minutes of anger and excitement, my prize was given to me: a long, black sword with a bright green gem in its hilt. A small inscription on the blade read, "Long Live the Queen!". An identical weapon laid underneath it. After opening the second chest, I was surprised to find a nearly flawless diamond with a sickly green aura, and what appeared to be a black egg covered in deep green spots.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Well," Twilight said, "if you think it's a Changeling egg, then yes."

"What the hell am I even supposed to do with this!? And what's with this diamond?"

"Hang on, let me see that gem for a second." I handed the crystal to her, deciding to pass the time by fiddling with the swords. They looked a lot like the one Benson had tried to use against me.

"Looks like I was correct. This diamond holds a massive amount of magical energy, enough to power an entire planet for years! If I were to infuse something of yours with the essence of it, you could use magic even stronger than mine with the right training!"

"Holy shit on a biscuit."

"Are you sure if you even want this kind of power? I mean, every single faction in the Wasteland will practically go to war to get you on their side, and we both know who's going to win."

"Don't worry. I'm not gonna let a single member of the Enclave, a raider, slaver, or even a Changeling lay a hoof on me! Even if they do, then I guess I'll just have to break it off."

"We can't do this here, though. It's way too dangerous. Let's head back to the Stable."

"First, I need to find something."

"What?"

"There are a few things you need to survive in the Wasteland. This applies to you, too. You gotta find a weapon or two, armor, a bit of guidance, and most importantly, you need to make some friends."

"But you already have friends."

"None that actually know anything about the Wasteland. I have some ideas. Do you know where this broadcast is coming from?" I switched my PipBuck's radio to the station I had heard before, with what I thought was Vinyl's voice. Twilight seemed confused, but her magic reached out around my wrist, a thin purple beam passing through the ceiling.

"That's the radio frequency from someplace called Tenpony Tower." She answered. I pumped my shotgun again and wiped the blood off my bat with a small bit of cloth on the floor.

"Then I guess we're going to Tenpony Tower."

"You shouldn't be in here..." A tinny, low-pitched voice growled at me. I looked around the room, not seeing its source until he revealed himself to me.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Jury - You have learned to exploit your opponents' weaknesses. When attacking from behind, you have a 90% chance of critical hits with melee weapons, and a 75% chance with ranged weapons.