Equestria's Mark

by MasterZadok

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 305666

It started out much like any other 'Human in Equestria' story, as an ordinary day that just so happened to be... Magic.

I almost called it "A Brony's Tail" for the novelty, but I couldn't because that would imply that I got a mane and hooves in this story.
I'm a brony, yes, plucked out of my life and plopped in Equestria for reasons I don't know and by methods I don't understand. Yet, I should count my blessings. After all, who else could enjoy front row seats to the events of MLP: FIM unfolding in real life. Starting, much to my amusement, with the return of Nightmare Moon herself!
However, not everything is rated TV-Y, and what should I do when some of the characters begin deviating from their scripts?

Edit: July 2nd 2015. F-featured!? Thank you so much!

Published 2014-09-30 20:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-11 19:24:56 UTC

Ch 2: On Your Mark

Chapter 2

On Your Mark

Sometimes, the road of life is one-way. Sometimes, the only way home is forward. Sometimes, you just have to put one foot in front of the other.

And sometimes, I choose to procrastinate.

I stood on the top of a grassy knoll. A cold breeze playfully tugged at my shirt and caused the grass around my legs to ripple like water. Above me, a golden white sun warmed my shoulders and lit up the world with a rainbow of pastel colors. Beneath my feet, Ponyville was spread out like a painting. I knew I had to go there, wanted it more than anything, but I was procrastinating.

“Pshh!” My pent-up emotions came out as an angry sigh. I hissed like a giant brony aerosol can and slumped into a sitting position.

“Don’t you want to go down there?” Here I was, talking to myself again.

“I have to.”

“Then why not go?” This was about the fifth time I’d had this same conversation that morning. I was never a fan of reruns, and this was getting ridiculous.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Three out of five “human in Equestria” stories don’t turn out so well for the human.” (And out of those three, one portrays the ponies as xenophobic and the others are X-rated.)

I had wandered out of the Everfree a couple hours ago, following the six hero’s’ triumphant victory over Nightmare Moon. The ponies had seemed to return to their normal routine easily enough. From my vantage point, I could see Rose and Carrot Top tending their respective gardens. The Mayor (Mare) was walking up and down the streets and the pegasi on patrol were keeping the day as sunny and clear as possible.

Me? I had spent the day tying my brain in knots.

I was the epitome of a stranger in a strange land. I was (possibly) the only one of my kind in a magical world of sentient horses. I had no home or way back home, no possessions besides my Pjs and no talents besides my striking good looks. I thoughtfully passed my hand over the sandpaper stubble that was sprouting on my chin. I needed food and shelter and help.

“And food!” My stomach reminded me.

But I still couldn’t bring myself to walk into Ponyville. I loved MLP:FIM and that’s why I both wanted to prance into Ponyville and avoid it like the plague at the same time. It had a great story, fun characters, and, most importantly, a happy ending. If I interfered with that, even a little, I could easily change things for the worse. I didn’t belong in the story.

“Kind of late for that.” I muttered, remembering my experience only a couple hours ago. How the story had taken a decidedly darker turn. I could still feel the weight of Nightmare Moon’s cold malice in my chest.

“Besides,” One final thought took the podium and cleared its throat, “What I need most of all is help, and these ponies are the closest thing I have to friends… Even if they don’t know it yet.”

“Allright, then! I’ll just introduce myself and…” I leapt to my feet, but I couldn’t force them to move forward. I was nervous, ok? It’s not every day you get to meet people (or ponies) who shouldn’t exist. I was afraid of fangirling, even though I’m a guy. Finally, I made a compromise; I began walking, but it was towards Sweet Apple Acres. My stomach was the one steering.

My path orbited the little hamlet beneath me until I found myself surrounded by wave-upon-wave of bountiful apple trees. Despite how the sunlight shone through the branches, or how quiet and peaceful the air was, the first thing that struck me about Sweet Apple Acres was the smell. The only experience I had with real apple trees back on Earth was a half-dead snag that my family had tenderly nurtured back to life. Sure, it blossomed in the spring like it was supposed to, but I never would have imagined that a plant could radiate with life like these trees did. The air tasted sweet with the smell of their fruit, and the apples hung from the boughs so invitingly. I barely gave a thought to whether it was right or wrong when I reached out and plucked a glistening red delicious off the tree and took a bite.

Never in my life had I tasted an apple until that moment, and it wasn’t just because of that, “hunger is the best spice” saying. Everything I had ever bought from the supermarket might as well have been green and immature compared to this flavor. With the way the aroma charged up my nose and the way the juice burst out over my chin, I might as well have taken a big bite of a fruit grenade. All this overwhelming sensation and Apples weren’t even my favorite fruit! I devoured three of them before I realized I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“So good.” A heavy feeling hit my gut. I felt guilty, of course. I hadn’t just taken a quick snack, I had stolen something that somepony worked hard to grow and nurture. Even if it was just three out of an orchard of thousands, I promised that I would find a way to repay the Apple family.

“First day in Ponyville, and you’ve already stolen from the element of Honesty!” I tried to laugh at the irony, tried to tell myself that it was a small matter and nopony would care, but as soon as I started walking towards Ponyville, I knew. I cared.

I hadn’t even stolen a candy bar back on Earth. What justified my little snack just now? I wasn’t desperate for food, was I? Was I not as honest of a person as I thought I was?

I shook my head and kept walking. I couldn’t let my doubts come back or else I’d knock myself back to paragraph one; procrastinating. I still needed to introduce myself to Ponyville, but I needed a strategy.

Waltzing in would probably be a bad idea. A mysterious creature crawling (ok, walking, even freakier) out of the Everfree forest would probably cause more problems than I’d care to deal with. Plus, I couldn’t waltz.

“I know! I could go meet Zecora first! She’s pretty nice and-”

“Nope!” I immediately dropped that idea. Zecora was nice, but she was like me: a strange creature from a strange land. I guess her episode applied to me more than I thought. If the ponies were wary of a creature that almost looked like a horse visiting them, what would they think of me!? I didn’t want to be alienated or treated like a monster. (There’s already a wing in the fanfiction library devoted to that) And teaming up with Zecora would only create more of a separation between me and the ponies.

My best bet would be to meet Pinky Pie first. Assuming she doesn’t just gasp and run away, I might get a “Cranky Doodle Donkey” scenario. If all went well, she would go through her checklist:

Meet somepony new- 

Introduce myself- 

Sing random song out of nowhere- 

Become instant best friends- 

And with her seal of approval, the other ponies in town should follow suit. However, I just hoped she didn’t put the cake batter in the confetti cannon… again. Still, now that I had some kind of plan of action, there was nothing left but to do it. I took a deep breath and began walking toward Ponyville.

However, on that day, I received a grim reminder; life rarely goes according to plan.

Before I even got to the edge of the apple orchard, my plan began to fall through. There was no breeze blowing, yet a couple leaves, like emerald feathers, floated down from the branches above and brushed against my forehead. I looked up to see none other than Rainbow Dash staring down at me. My foot froze where it fell.

I tried to appear calm and unthreatening, but the cocktail of emotions welling up in me make my heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird that just snorted caffeine.

In case you’re wondering, the cocktail was 5% “oh, look, it’s Rainbow Dash”, 20% “what’s she going to do?”, 10% “what am I going to do?”, 5% “snap! I wasn’t ready for this!”, and 160% “ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!!!!1!”. Scientifically speaking, of course.

“Hey!” I tried to smile.

“Hey…” The cyan pegasus answered automatically, her pink eyes pulled into a confused frown. At least, I hoped it was confusion. Rainbow Dash may be a fan favorite, but I always thought she was the second most impulsive pony of the M6 (I shouldn’t have to tell you who took 1st place). She was the one most likely to face danger head-on, most likely to act rashly, and most likely to jump to conclusions. As of that moment, she could either consider me an oddity or a threat. God save me if it was the latter.

“Um…” She tilted her head, “So… What ARE you?”

“Me?” I smiled, tickled to be having this conversation. “I’m fortunate to meet you, that’s what I am.”

“Well, but that’s not what I meant!” She lifted her wings, agitated.

“If you meant my species, I’m a human. Though, that probably doesn’t mean much.”

“No, not really.”

“Then, let me introduce myself,” I paused to collect my thoughts. This was the first moment when I could make things easier or harder on myself. I had to get Rainbow Dash’s trust, but I also wanted to remain as detached from the world as possible. I was an observer, first and foremost, and could not afford to get too involved with anything.

“I’m a traveler, but I’m kind of lost.” Technically true. “I just came through the Everfree forest,” also technically true, “and I need a place to stay until I know where I am and what’s going on.” Still true, though I probably had a better idea of where and when I was than RD herself right now.

“Oh, well that’s easy enough!” Rainbow Dash leapt back off her branch and hung in the air. “You see that little town down there? That’s Ponyville!”

“You don’t say?” I tried not to sound condescending.

“And you’re right! You are fortunate to meet me, ‘cause I know this town better than anypony else!”

“And why’s that?”

“Duh!” The pegasus smiled at her wings with pride.

“Oh, right.” I couldn’t keep the smile from breaking across my face. “You’re probably the best flyer in Ponyville!”

“Uh-huh! You know it! I’m Rainbow Dash! Nice to meet ya,… um…”

“Uh!... I’m Mark.” Also technically true. I don’t know why I gave her my middle name instead of my first name. Perhaps I was already in the habbit of half-truths and hiding information. Rainbow Dash didn’t seem to notice either way.

“Well, try and keep up, Mark! I’ll show you around.” The pegasus twisted in the air, lifted her wings, and shot off through the low branches of the trees, scattering leaves in her shimmering wake.

Even if I wanted to correct her about my name, she was long gone. All I could do was pick up my bare feet and try to follow the speeding mare as best as I could. It wasn’t how I expected events to turn out, but I was now entering Ponyville whether I wanted to or not.

“Haha! You’re going to need more legs than that to keep up!” Rainbow Dash playfully veered around and somersaulted overhead. I was just glad she wasn’t telling me to “grow a pair”. Within moments, my soft feet went from velvety grass to packed-dirt roads, to the cobblestone streets of the town. From a bystander’s perspective, my grand entrance to this brony’s “promised land” was less than dignified.

“There’s Bon Bon’s house! And there’s the School! This is the market place! There’s the spa, joke shop, Quills and Sofas,-” Rainbow Dash fired off the names of the buildings like bullets from an Uzi. All around me, the quaint houses and humble cottages rose up around me like giant mushrooms, squat and wide or tall and twisted, each with their pointed cap of a thatched roof. Little frosted windows glistened like sugar candy with rows of perfumed flowers crowding every sill.

Interestingly enough, Ponyville smelled like horses, and yet at the same time, not. Whenever I thought of equines, I would picture a stable or some field, a combination of hide, hay, and manure. In a world of sentient sanitary equines, though, the last smell was completely absent, giving the whole place a rustic, yet fresh scent.

“Hey!? Can we slow down?” I panted. All around me, candy-colored ponies were turning wide eyes on the strange creature barreling through their streets. The sight of a lanky alien monkey invading their town was bad enough; it didn’t have to be running like an ostrich too.

“Pardon me! Hello! Sorry!” I tried to wave at as many of the villagers as possible, but it did nothing to reassure them that I wasn’t bonkers. I left more than one pony glancing at their friends with a “da hek did I jus see?” look on their face.

“This way!” Rainbow Dash suddenly shot off to the right toward the center of town. I did my best to follow, but the instant I turned the corner, a new obstacle blocked my way. It took the form of a pony with wings, a yellowish hide and a flowing pink mane.

“Gah!”

“Eep!”

I couldn’t stop myself fast enough, leaving me no choice but to jump. As a representative of the whole human race to Equestria, I want to take this moment to apologize for my sub-standard display of agility. I think a drunken squid could have jumped better than me in that moment.

As a charging ball of ungainly limbs and awkwardly-twisting ankles, I half-tripped, half-leapt over the cowering figure of Fluttershy. And hey, bonus points: Rarity was there to witness this too! I didn’t realize the white unicorn had been walking with her friend until I was already three feet in the air and half upside-down. It probably wasn’t a good first impression for either of the ponies, but at that moment, all I could think about was,

“This is gonna sting.” And just like that, I hit the ground. I think I landed on my hip, but my momentum threw me into a nearby barrel as well, so I pretty much hurt my everything.

“Oww…” I sat motionless for a while, the skin on my back tingling as if it had red ants crawling under it.

“Oh dear! Are you alright?” A familiar voice, laced with refined culture, brought me back to the present. Rarity stepped forward, her sapphire eyes filled with concern. Everything about her, from her silken mane to her polished hooves was spotless and radiant.

“I think so.” I tried to sit up, but the fire ants didn’t like that. “Ouch!”

“Here, darling.” The unicorn’s horn lit up and the saddlebag on her flank opened to reveal a pink feather duster. Of course, being free from the curse of dust was far more important than being able to get up off the ground, but I appreciated the gesture all the same.

“Oh my… Are you hurt?” Fluttershy whimpered from behind the cover of her mane. “I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you.” Her voice cracked and I thought I saw her eyes grow watery.

“No! I’m fine! I promise! See?” Fire ants be damned! I wasn’t going to be the one to make Fluttershy cry even if it killed me. Then again, if I did make her cry, the Flutterfans would kill me anyways. I tried to smile, but it may have come off as a wince instead.

“Oh my! Well you certainly took a tumble.” Rarity continued to try and dust me off while I tested my limbs to find out what specifically was hurt.

A part of me was interested in the fact that the unicorn was only as tall as my shoulder. I know that a lot of fan art portrays the ponies as dog-sized or even cat sized (I’ll exclude chibi hand-sized for now, even though that would soon describe Apple Teeny), but these ponies were, big surprise, pony-sized. Too small for a 6’ guy like me to ride, yet not too short that I had to look down on them very much. (Fine! I’m 5’ 11”! Happy now?) Not that I wanted to ride them, of course…

“I’m sorry I was in your way.” Fluttershy continued apologizing.

“Don’t be! It was completely my fault, my dear. I’m just glad I didn’t actually run into you.” Ankles? Check. Knees? Check. Butt? Bruised. Etc…

“That’s very polite of you, but you should still get this tended to.” Rarity spoke up from behind me. She gestured at a long scratch reaching up over my right shoulder blade. It was covered in dust and small rocks and had a tiny spot of red in the middle. “And I’m so sorry about your clothes as well! I’d gladly clean them for you.”

“That won’t be-”

“What is this weave, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Um… I don’t know, to be honest.” I twisted my neck around to see what remained of the shirt’s tag. However, it was an old shirt, and whatever used to be used to identify that piece of cloth was erased a couple dozen washes ago. “I think it’s cotton, if that’s a clue.”

“Do you have anything to change into?”

“Actually, these are all I own.” I admitted.

“Wha!?” I should have been more subtle. The shock that spread across Rarity’s face almost caused her to drop the duster.

“There you are!” Rainbow Dash darted up and over the summit of a nearby rooftop. “Hey girls! Look what I found!”

“Yes, we’ve… met.” Fluttershy admitted.

“What did you say your name was, darling?” The unicorn smiled and looked up politely.

“I’m-”

“He’s Mark! And he’s a human from beyond the Everfree forest!”

“Really?” I could almost feel the breeze coming off Rarity’s flickering eyelashes. “And does everyone wear clothes where you’re from?”

“Uhh… Exclusively.” (Please don’t comment about technicalities.)

“Ah!” Even a day as sunny as that one was made brighter by the smile Rarity gave when I said that. “Well, I DO hope you tarry here in Ponyville. I feel that you and I will get along just fine!”

“She owns a clothes shop.” Rainbow Dash sounded less than impressed.

“The Carousel Boutique! Oh, you MUST stop by sometime!”

“I think I must.” I tried not to let my smile give too much away.

“A human?” Fluttershy suddenly trotted forward, a tiny smile beneath her wide eyes. “I’ve never met a human before! What do you do?”

“Do?”

“Well, he’s not very good at keeping up with me!” Dash hovered above the conversation.

“I, uh… I can’t think of anything special about humans. I mean, I’ve got fingers. Does that count?”

“Oh, yes!” The yellow pegasus stretched her muzzle out for a closer look.

“Big deal! You’ve seen claws before, right?” Rainbow Dash huffed.

“And you’re standing so well!” Fluttershy complimented.

“Well, that’s not special either. Spi-aye-yei… Spine’s specially designed to let me do this.” I wanted to say that Spike was always walking on two feet, but I remembered that I hadn’t ‘met’ Spike yet.

“What do humans eat? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“Not at all.” I lied. This moment had to come sooner or later. “We can eat pretty much anything. You know… fruits… vegetables… grains… mushrooms?” Certainly not critters, farm animals, or horses.

“Oh, how interesting.”

“Hey, Lyra! Wanna see the human?” Rainbow Dash waved over to a pale-mint unicorn that was passing by. However, a thousand fan fictions were shattered in that moment when Lyra Heartstrings glanced at me and then continued trotting as if she hadn’t heard Dash.

“What’s with her?” Rainbow Dash folded her hooves.

“I guess some fannons just aren’t cannon.” I muttered.

“What?”

“What?” I hastily looked away.

“So is this where y’all been hidin’?” I turned around to see a lean and sinewy mare with a Stetson on her blond head. The orange Apple was smiling, apparently un-phased by my presence.

“Hey, AJ!”

“Hello, darling.”

“… Hi…”

“G’day, ma’am!” I greeted Apple Jack enthusiastically.

“Who’s this?” She stepped forward.

“An adventurer!”

“A foreigner.”

“A human.”

“… I’m Mark. Nice to meet you.”

“Well, howdy, Mark! Pleased to meet ya! I’m Apple Jack.” I just nodded knowingly, “But y’all can just call me AJ. What brings ya to Ponyville, partner?”

“Well, I found myself wandering through the forest, but soon realized- is that pie I smell!?” I was going to answer Apple Jack with some story about getting lost in the Everfree, but the sudden scent of cinnamon and fruit pastries blotted out everything else. It was like experiencing those apples all over again, but this time with fresh pie.

“Pie? Oh, that’s right! I’ve got ‘em here.” The earth pony gestured at a package wrapped in a handkerchief on her back.

“And why, may I ask, are you toting pie through the streets?” Rarity looked down her muzzle critically.

“Well, I was goin’ to give this to Twilight. Help her get settled in an’ all, but she ain’t there. No sign or nothin’.”

“Not at the library?” I coughed. Having Twilight not in her library was like having doughnuts without coffee. Something was seriously wrong.

“Oh, I hope she’s ok.” Fluttershy seemed to be thinking the same thing. Rainbow Dash still seemed bored,

“She’s probably just-”

“Somepony said pie!!” A radiant pink bolt of lightning fell from the sky, knocking the rainbow pegasus right out of the air and pinning her to the ground. “I know there’s pie!”

“Pinkie!?” Rainbow Dash winced under the mass of cotton-candy-like hair that engulfed her as Pinkie Pie smiled at her nose-to-nose and eye-to-eye. “What are you doing here?”

“My molar was ringing, and you know what that means!”

“How am I supposed to know!?”

“Somepony was talking about pie!!” The crazed earth pony gave a smile that rivaled the Cheshire cat.

“Well, it wasn’t me! It was Apple Jack. She and I sound nothing alike!”

“Cough!” I suddenly had some irony stuck in my throat.

“Hey! Who’s this?”

“Our new friend, Mark.” Rainbow Dash explained, trying to wriggle her way free of the pink beartrap. She was immediately released when Pinkie Pie leapt into the air,

“New friend!? Where was I??”

“That’s what I wanted to know…” I muttered to myself.

“Hi new friend! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’ve never seen anypony like you before!”

“That’s ‘cause he’s not a pony…” Apple Jack rolled her eyes.

“Oh, silly me! The mane threw me off.” The pink mare stretched out a hoof like a giant bungee and ruffled the mess of hair crowning my head.

“I don’t have a- well, yeah, I guess I do.” I tried desperately to comb down my dark-blond tangle of bed head. I probably looked like a lion that had licked an electrical outlet what with my adventures and all.

“Let me get that for you, darling.” Rarity’s bag opened again to reveal a large hairbrush.

“Or, you can always do what Dashie and I do and just shake your head really hard! Works every time!” Pinkie Pie whipped her mane back and forth like a spastic terrier’s tail. When she stopped, her head was nothing but a massive fluffy pink cloud. “Easy as eating pie! If anypony will tell me where it is!” Blinded by her own hair, Pinkie Pie promptly spun on her hoof and ran face-first into a wall.

“Ouch…” We all said at once.

“Ahem!” A stern voice cut into the conversation like a knife. When I looked up, the princess of friendship herself was staring at me. Interestingly enough, she didn't look friendly.

“Hello…” I waved in tentative greeting. Out of all the ponies, Twilight Sparkle was the one that made me the most nervous. Here was Celestia’s personal student, the wielder of the most elusive of the Elements of Harmony, a genius in the arcane arts and the world’s hero many times over. Not to be pun-y, but I could only say I was star struck to see her standing there. (See what I did there? Because she’s Twilight and her cutiemark is a bunch of… You know what? I’m done.) Of course, no matter how much I knew about her, she knew nothing about me. Her critical frown showed that quite plainly.

Oh yeah, and Spike was with her. The little guy was looking me up and down with large eyes filled with wonder.

“Horary… now it’s a party!” Rainbow Dash shrugged.

“Yay!” Pinkie Pie didn’t catch the sarcasm.

“There ya are, Twilight! I was lookin’ for you at the Golden Oak Library. Something come up?” Apple Jack asked.

“In a way…” The purple unicorn (not alicorn, mind you) kept looking at me with suspicion. It was as if she was surprised to see me standing there and I couldn’t figure out why at first. Then it hit me; this wasn’t the first time we had seen each other. Our first encounter was last night, in a throne room during a pitched battle against an embodiment of terror and darkness. Probably not my best first impression. “Mayor Mare said there was a crazy beast charging through the town and upsetting everypony. I guess you all found it.”

“It wasn’t too hard.” I shrugged. “Her molar was ringing, so she came to us.”

“What?” Twilight shook her head.

“What?” I smirked back.

“Twilight! Spike! This is Human! He’s an Everfree from the Mark forest!” Pinkie explained.

“Pleased to meet you.”

“… Likewise. I’m sorry, but I can’t follow Pinkie’s logic this early in the day. Who are you?” The purple unicorn asked pointedly.

“But it’s five in the afternoon…” Pinkie Pie consulted her watch.

“I’m Mark.” By now, it felt natural. “And I’m a human.”

“And why’s a human here in Ponyville?”

“Good question.” I thought to myself.

“You’re not dangerous, are you?”

“Twilight Sparkle! This poor creature came to our town for help. Look at him, no shoes and covered head to toe in rags and blisters! He’s clearly endured a long journey, at least show some hospitality.” Rarity scolded.

“Well, but if you’ve never met a human before… I understand why she’s cautious.”

“I’d never met a dragon before yesterday…” Fluttershy piped up. “But Spike turned out to be a real sweetie.”

“Sweetie?” The dragon frowned.

“An’ we’re always happy to make new friends!” Apple Jack added. “Welcome to Ponyville, Mark.”

“Thanks, girls.” My chest felt like it was going to burst from all the warm fuzziness rising up in it.

“Hey! Do you know what this sounds like an excuse for!?” Pinkie Pie grinned.

“A tour?” Rainbow Dash smirked.

“A tour!!” The pink pony threw confetti in the air. “Wait, what?”

“C’mon, Mark, we haven’t even gotten to Sugarcube Corner.” Dash leapt into the air and swept low over the street, vanishing around the corner of a cottage.

All together, the group began to follow. Rarity was still trying to brush my hair down, Apple Jack was asking me about the things I’d seen in the Everfree forest and Pinkie Pie bounced along happily behind. Fluttershy kept close beside me, but said nothing while Spike enthusiastically leapt off Twilight’s back to introduce himself. I have the little dragon the first proper handshake he’d probably ever experienced. As we passed the place where Twilight Sparkle was standing, there was a fleeting moment when my eyes locked with hers. The deep purple orbs were still calculating and stern. I gave her a short nod. It’s all I could do, but it seemed to satisfy her for the moment. She followed behind, but remained standoffish throughout the rest of the tour.

Our circuit through the town took us past the fountain that Philomena would turn to ash next to, around the gazebo that Derpy would destroy, alongside the theatre that Hoity Toity would criticize Rarity’s dresses at, and through the streets that the parasprites would gnaw on. Ponyville was everything I dreamed it would be, cute, clean, and magical, but it seemed that everywhere I looked, another memory would rise to the surface. Some were good memories, like the train station that Discord would fly into when he had the “blue flu”, while others were more upsetting, like the water tower that Twilight would use to pacify the ursa minor. The burden of knowing the events of the show was a blessing, even if just for the tourism, but I also couldn’t enjoy it as if I were here for the first time.

“And here’s where we usually hang out! Sugarcube Corner!” Rainbow Dash announced. “It’s pretty awesome. ‘Course, it would have to be if we hang out here!”

“Wee! I know this one! I know this one!” Pinkie Pie danced on the tips of her hooves.

“Wow… So it actually looks like a giant pastry.” I stared up at the gingerbread roof adorned with glistening frosting that looked like it could drip at any moment. It was all fake, of course, but that somehow didn’t diminish the charm of the building.

“Pies are great an’ all, but if you’re hankerin’ for some fancy sweets, ‘tain’t nopony better than Mr. Carrot Cake and Ms. Cup Cake.” Apple Jack tilted her head at the building. “Not to mention, Pinkie here’s got a knack for baking as well! Y’all should try her cupcakes sometime!”

“Cupcakes!?” Curse you, Pavlov! At the mention of that word, a thousand creepypasta posts shot through my head.

“What’s wrong? Can you not eat cupcakes?” Fluttershy asked. I blinked a couple times to clear my thoughts.

“My dear, cupcakes are the single happiest food I’ve ever encountered. I love cupcakes.” They’re also the most powerful antidepressant I’ve ever encountered.

“Oh, me too.”

“Me three!” RD cheered.

“Me pi! Now let’s get some cakes of the cup type!” Pinkie Pie flew through the building’s swinging doors like an artillery round. Rainbow Dash was right on her tail.

“Actually, it is about time for dinner.” Twilight Sparkle spoke up for the first time since the tour resumed. “Mark, do you have anyplace you’re staying?”

“Um…” I looked at the sky in surprise. The sun was already sinking low and I hadn’t found any place to lodge for the night. Not to mention food. Those three apples had evaporated pretty quickly and now I felt hollow inside. “That’s an excellent question, Twilight.”

“Well, why don’t you stay at the Golden Oaks Library tonight? There’s plenty of room and we can find you something to eat if you’re hungry.” I was, but I hesitated.

“That’s pretty generous of you, Twilight.”

“I was going to offer the same. You’re welcome to stay at the Carousel Boutique until you get your… um… feet… under you, dear.” Rarity offered.

“Thank you, girls, really. But wouldn’t it be better if I just found a hotel or something tonight?”

“An inn? Most available rooms are already taken.” Twilight quickly explained. “Relatives were visiting Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration and after Nightmare Moon’s attack, there’s a lot of traffic from Canterlot on official business to look into the incident. The library, on the other hoof, is free.”

“But aren’t you still moving in, sugarcube?”

“Her?” Spike jabbed a thumb at the purple unicorn. “She settled in as soon as Princess Celestia returned to Canterlot. She’s been arranging and rearranging the books all day. Ack!” Twilight Sparkle deftly levitated the little dragon and plopped him on her back.

“This way, Mark.” She spun on her hoof and trotted away. I paused, unsure if I wanted to leave the other ponies so suddenly. So far, they’d seemed a lot warmer than Twilight Sparkle. Then again, free food.

“Thanks girls! For everything! I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved apologetically over my shoulder and jogged after the retreating unicorn. Behind me, I could hear Rarity snort,

“Augh! And I almost had his measurements, too!”

“Generosity at its finest…” Apple Jack tugged on her hat and vanished into Sugarcube Corner.

“I didn’t hear you offer to help!”The voices died away.

I followed behind Twilight Sparkle for a while in silence. Occasionally, she’d glance behind her to make sure I was still there, but otherwise, she said very little.

“You’re pretty quiet when you walk.” She finally stated.

“Well, I normally have shoes.” I looked down at my blistering soles.

“Why don’t you have some now?”

“I… left them behind.” Technically, not lying.

“Wow! You’re even quieter than me!” Spike was riding the purple pony backwards. “Then again, whenever I walk, my claws make a scratching noise, or even a-”

“We’re here.” Twilight cut him off. We turned down one final street into the shadow of the Golden Oaks Library. It was massive, as far as trees go, and looked even bigger since most cottages were placed a respectable distance away. Its deep grey walls were dotted with round windows and above, the wind whispered through the still-breathing boughs. In the light of the setting sun, it looked nothing short of majestic, but my heart froze at the sight of it. I could see it burning. Exploding. Shattering. The pages of a hundred authors reduced to ash and ruin by one giant red centaur jerk!

“Coming?” Twilight called from the open doorway.

“Of course! I’ve just never seen a living tree being used as a building before.” Not a lie.

“Well, if any building deserves to be beautiful, it’s a library.” I followed Twilight Sparkle into the warm yellow light within. Everything was made of wood, from the echoing floor to the bookshelves, and the whole place smelled musty and soothing. I barely had time to take in the sight, however. As soon as the door closed, Twilight levitated Spike to the ground,

“Spike! Could you please look in my boxes downstairs? I think there might be a few encyclopedias left down there. We need to find out all we can about our guest.”

“Sure thing!” I gave the little dragon a thumbs-up and he, chuckling, returned the gesture. He vanished down the far hallway like a rabbit, but before I could comment, Twilight whirled around on me.

“You!” She pointed her horn accusingly.

“Me!?” I flinched.

“What are you doing here?”

“You said there’s be food-”

“They don’t know you, but I remember! You were there.”

“Oh, is that what this is about?” I didn’t realize that I had backed up against the door.

“You were the creature I saw fighting Nightmare Moon.” I remained frozen where I was. What did she want me to say?

“Um… Yeah? Sorry, but could you point that somewhere else, please?” I gestured at the spiral piece of bone aimed at me.

“Why are you really here? Did you follow us? What do you want?” I dropped my hands and mustered all the sincerity I could,

“I’m here because I have nowhere else to go. Yes, I followed you. And what I want is to stay here.” At least this seemed to work. Perhaps my innocent face was finally paying off. Twilight took a step back and lifted her horn away from my nose.

“You’re a creature from the Everfree forest, correct?”

“Correction; I told everypony I came through the Everfree forest.”

“And you were in the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. What were you doing there? Were you watching us fight Nightmare Moon?”

“Would you rather I hadn’t?” My voice dropped an octave. I should have been nicer, though, that one sentence seemed to send a shiver down the pony’s spine. “However, your bravery was nothing short of legendary, considering what you were facing. Not many ponies can say they stood up to a nightmare.”

“It was only what anypony would have done.” Twilight blinked.

“But not anypony did…” I looked down at her approvingly.

“Why were you there that night? Though, I have to admit, I’m glad you were.” She acknowledged. I thought for a moment before saying,

“I think we both needed something that night. You, as a lonely star on the darkest night, and I as a bystander who couldn’t stand by. When it all came down to it, you found hope. And I? I found a purpose. I understand your apprehension, but please believe me when I say that I don’t want any trouble. That’s what harmony’s about, right? Isn’t that what you found in the forest?” Twilight Sparkle opened her mouth to speak, but the sound of Spike returning stopped her.

“I couldn’t find anything else down there.” The dragon huffed.

“No, I suppose I already sorted it.” The unicorn stared at me for a second longer before turning her attention to the library’s shelves. “Spike, could you help Mark find the guest bed? I’ve got some studying to do.”

“What about dinner?” I whimpered.

“There’s a salad on the table. Help yourselves.” Twilight’s horn lit up and a couple dozen books floated up off the shelves and piled themselves on a low writing desk.

“Some studying is an understatement.” I looked up at the towers of bound paper. “That’s almost half of what I have to buy every semester at college!”

“Looks like she’s settling in for the night.” Spike waved at me, “Hungry?”

I was, but not for daisy and dandelion salad. Ever since I discovered the miracle of ranch dressing, I found that I could love salads, but not as a main course, and not covered in milky weeds. Still, I didn’t complain. I was a guest, after all. After the little dragon brought Twilight a portion of the meal, he and I polished off what was left. Leafy greens aren’t very filling, though. I think the most nutrients I got from that meal came from the tomatoes.

“You’ll just have to get used to it.” I told myself. “You’ve eaten your last hamburger… and pepperoni pizza… and BLT… and taco…” My stomach grumbled while Spike and I wrestled the guest bed into position and draped a fresh sheet over it. It was only during this time, and after almost stepping on Spike’s little wicker basket-bed that the thought came to me,

“Hey, Twilight?”

“You’ll have to try harder than that.” Spike glanced down at the unicorn, lost in her fortress of books.

“Can I ask you something?”

No response.

“Thank you for dinner.”

“Mm-Hmm…” The mare muttered.

“Hello?”

Silence.

I glanced at Spike for help, but he just smiled and shrugged. I glanced back down at Twilight Sparkle, set my jaw and declared,

“I need to homework my report on time because books!”

“Wha?” The purple unicorn spun around.

“There. Now that I have your attention.” I tilted my head. “How come you have a guest bed and yet spike sleeps in a basket on the ground?”

“Oh, he prefers to sleep in nest-like places. Honestly, he’s doing much better now. When he was an infant, it was all I could do to keep him from sleeping in the bathtub.”

“And after that, I was always sneaking out of my bed to sleep in the fireplace.” Spike smiled sheepishly.

“Why does it matter?”

“I just didn’t know about his habits, that’s all.”

“Ah… ok. Mark, do you have any sleeping habits I should know about?”

“Um… I sometimes drool in my sleep?”

“Fascinating…” She whispered. Her aura plucked up a billowy feather pen and she scratched down a few words. “But what did you say about a report?” Twilight pressed.

“Nothing. It was just the only way to get your attention. Sorry.”

“Oh. OK.” The mare turned back towards her books and lit up a small lamp. It cast a faint circle of orange light around her while the rest of the room grew darker and darker.

“What do you think she’s doing?” I whispered to Spike as I slid under the sheets. The mattress was a little stiff, but the simple pleasure of getting off my feet after a long day was euphoric.

“Knowing Twilight, she’s probably memorizing everything there is to know about exotic creatures.”

“Oh… Well, good luck to her.”

“And if she doesn’t find anything on humans, she’ll write her own entry.”

“I see…” I closed my eyes and fell asleep to the distant tones of pen scratching on paper. What a day. What a welcome to Ponyville. What a ride.

And the real stories hadn’t even begun.

Author's Note

Sorry it's taken this long, readers, but it feels good to be writing again! I honestly don't know what parts of the story I should focus on, so I figured I would just go chronologically for now. In the spirit of the show, not all chapters are going to be awesome season finales, although those are the parts I look forward to the most. Perhaps the slice-of-life element is what helps make the show cute and relaxing. I don't know. Enjoy, and as always, I would love to hear your thoughts on this story.

Ch 3: Click it or Ticket

Chapter 3
Click It or Ticket

That night, I slept snug as a bug in a rug on a lump on a log under a rock. The bed was almost too short for me, but I didn’t mind. I was sleeping for the first time in I don’t know how long. Nightmare Moon kind of messed up everypony’s idea of night and day, but that didn’t matter at that moment. I was warm and safe. Until I started dreaming.

Like most dreams, it started out with me believing I wasn’t dreaming. Perhaps it was the smell of the Golden Oak Library as I drifted off into lala land, but I could have sworn that I was there, awake and walking around the library. Of course, being a dream, the walls were breathing and the books were endlessly shuffling themselves like playing cards, but I didn’t notice. After all, that’s what Twilight did all day anyways.

It wasn’t long before a table grew up out of the floor like play-dough and a breakfast full of bacon and hamburgers and turkey mysteriously spread over it. I could have guessed I was dreaming at this point, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I quickly sat down and pulled a ham-stuffed pizza towards me.

“You call this a cinnamon roll? More like a cinnamon walk!” Spike, dressed as Chef Ramsay walked up with a rotisserie rabbit on a platter. The rabbit promptly looked up and told me to do a barrel roll.

“’Morning, Spike!” I said through a mouthful of bacon strips. “Where’s Twilight?”

“Hopefully, jumping off a cliff like its protagonist.” The salty chef snapped.

“No, I mean Twilight Sparkle.”

“Where else would she be?”

“What?” A KFC burrito froze halfway to my mouth.

“She’s out doing princess-y stuff.”

“But she can’t do that because she’s,” I felt the food turn to sawdust in my mouth, “not a princess, yet.” Behind me, the sky turned orange and the room was filled with apprehensive, fiery light. “This is a dream…” My heart began beating faster.

“Now you’re catching on.” Spike pointed at a window with his claw. My eyes nervously followed the gesture, but as is the way with dreams, I already knew what I was going to see. Because it was all I could think about.

“This isn’t a good dream…”

As the window expanded and my vision filled with the outside landscape, I saw the distant mountains surrounding Ponyville shimmering in the light of a fiery sunrise. But the evanescent voice of Obi-wan Kenobi quickly pointed out,

“That’s no sun.”

It was Tirek. Before I could turn away, before I could warn Spike Ramsay to get out of the library, there was a roar that shook the mountains. The landscape melted like oil in a puddle and the distant orange inferno sped towards me like an arrow. I could feel the flames of the monster’s stolen magic licking at my skin. The walls of the library splintered, casting glass into my eyes and riddling my face and limbs with countless shards of wood. I could practically taste the splinters as they filled my mouth and slid up under my gums. Then I woke up. Or tried to.

“Gah? Waah!” In an instant, my brain, revving at full-speed, connected with my body, which was still parked. The result was not unlike popping the clutch in a manual transmission car. With blankets still clinging to me like oversized spider webs, I leapt off my bed and crumbled onto the floor of the library.

“Fascinating…” Twilight Sparkle’s face was already nose-to-nose with mine.

I quickly realized that the warmth that I felt around me was the blanket, not Tirek’s inferno. The orange light filling my vision was the morning sun shining through the windows. The shards of wood I felt imbedded in my face were,

“What is this!?” I yanked a ruler out from between my lips. “How did this get here!?”

“I was measuring your teeth.” Twilight’s horn began to glow and I could feel the small piece of wood try and force its way back into my mouth.

“What the heck for!?” I pushed it away with both hands.

“We must document everything!”

“Forget it!” I was still half-asleep.

“Well, then can I at least get a saliva sample?” The unicorn lifted a small glass vial. “You didn’t drool last night like you promised.”

“Eww…” My eyes drifted from the tiny container to the mare. Her mane was unkempt and her eyes had dark circles under them. “You were trying to take measurements while I was sleeping?”

“Of course. I couldn’t wait until you were awake.”

“What’s all this about?” I finally blinked and looked around the room. The library looked like an F-5 tornado had blown through it. Every flat surface (excluding the bookshelves themselves) was littered with papers and manuscripts and sketches and notes. Looking down from Twilight’s bedroom, I could see at least three separate study circles, like roc’s nests made entirely of books, filling the library floor.

“I spent all last night looking through zoology guides, field manuals, historic compendiums and even unverified legends!” Twilight Sparkle’s eyes seemed just a little too large.

“So?”

“So! I didn’t find anything about humans!” She grinned as if this was a good thing. The expression scared me. “You’re completely undocumented!”

“… Oh…” My eyes slid around the room again. Sure enough, most of the sketches were of hands, feet, and faces. They were definitely trying to portrey me, albeit crudely. “And you’ve taken it upon yourself to be the first to make records of a human.”

I should have seen this coming.

“Hey Twilight! Good morning, Mark!” Spike appeared at the base of the stairway, kicking some papers out of his way. “Breakfast is ready!”

“Thanks, Spike. And good morning to you, too.” I tried to casually shift further from the overly enthusiastic purple unicorn, but to no avail. Her eyes followed my every twitch.

“I hope you like oatmeal. Hey, Twilight? You should take a break, too.”

“In a minute.” The mare dismissed.

“Alright… Hey, and what do you want me to do with this?” The little dragon picked up a sheet of paper large enough to sail a boat with. On it was what looked like a map of Italy.

“Send all those sketches of the subject to Canterlot, please.” Twilight still didn’t look away.

“Sketches of the subject? Me!?” I looked at the paper again. Sure enough, it had a head and arms and legs, but it could barely be called human. It looked like a gingerbread man that had lost a game of ‘chicken’ with a steam roller. “Wait!”

Spike took a deep breath and before I could stop him, he let loose with a radiant display of verdant flames. A corner of the paper caught the magic fire and the entire sheet lifted into the air, rapidly disintegrating into ash. My outstretched fingers passed harmlessly through the last vanishing embers.

“… Wishes to keep sketches of himself private…” Twilight Sparkle’s horn began glowing and a pen and paper leapt to her command, scribbling down a hasty note. “Possible ulterior motive…”

“It’s not that!” I spun around to face her. “I just don’t want you sending inaccurate portrayals of me! Spike! Take a letter! ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I do not really look like Gumby after a close encounter with a heat lamp’! Signed, An Actual Human!”

“Inaccurate?” The young student blinked in shock. “I drew that outline of you myself! It’s perfectly anatomically correct!”

“Maybe if I was an amoeba!” I countered. A thread of static writhed in the air between Twilight and I as we both stared defiantly at each other.

“Um… Do you still want me to take that letter?” Spike fiddled with his claws as he looked from Twilight to me and back again.

“No... I was joking, but thank you anyway.” I sighed and turned away from Twilight. As I walked down the wooden steps to the library’s main floor, I said,

“I’m sorry for my reaction, Twilight. It’s understandable that you’d be excited about my arrival. You’re like a biologist who’s just discovered the Galapagos Islands, or a physicist turning on the Large Hadron Collider for the first time, or that guy who invented penicillin after his sandwich got moldy. Adorkable. I can’t blame you for being excited about your discovery, but please tell me you got some sleep last night.”

“Of course I slept last night.”

“Ah, good…”

“I put a ward around your bed to wake me if you tried to sneak off.”

“That’s only a little completely creepy.” I muttered. “Perhaps that explains my nightmares about magic.”

“But I had nothing to worry about. You sleep pretty soundly. And I was far too excited to sleep in for too long.”

“I would have slept longer if you didn’t shove a measuring stick up my pie hole.”

“Actually, you should be glad that woke you up.” Spike whispered. “Next, she was going to move onto snot samples.”

As Spike had said, breakfast was a big pot of boiled oatmeal. We each took a bowl for ourselves and sat down at a low table, half-covered in books. The gnawing abyss inside me would have been satisfied with even the plain mush, but fortunately, there was cream and sugar available. (I just had to move an encyclopedia to find it.) We all ate in silence for a moment. And by ‘we’ I mean Spike and I. Twilight Sparkle didn’t seem hungry.

“Good morning, by the way, Spike.” For lack of a spoon, I sipped my oatmeal straight from the bowl. “How did you sleep?”

“Meh, fine I guess. Twilight got me up pretty early, though.”

“Well, science waits for nopony.”

“Well, the sooner we find out what you are-” Twilight Sparkle spoke up.

“The sooner you can let Spike take a nap.”

“Hey! I like that idea.” The little dragon grinned.

“No, what I mean is that your arrival means-” She tried again.

“That I need to upgrade my passport?”

“No! You don’t understand the implications of-” Now she was getting flustered.

“I’ve had all my shots, if that’s any concern.”

“Would you listen to me? This is important to the whole scientific community!”

“-Said the talking purple unicorn.”

“Hey!-”

“-Is for horses.”

“This is serious, Mark! I spent hours last night going through every field journal and compendium I could lay my hooves on and you’re not in any of them!”

“Big surprise.”

“So! That means that you might be the only human in Equestria!”

“Small surprise.”

“I have to know what you are! Where you come from! How you got here! Are you immortal and there's only one of you? Are you a new life form? Have you been tucked away in some undiscovered corner of Equestria? Those answers might change everything we know about the world!”

“Is that so? You’re not very dramatic in the morning.” I sipped my oatmeal.

“I haven’t seen her like this since she discovered Blue Flame’s stable aura feedback loop.” Spike played with his bowl absently.

“Well, then, how about this for drama?” I steepled my fingers. “You might be right, the fate of the world may rest on my unexplained presence here. It’s a secret to everyone why and how I sit where I am today. Perhaps I’m a mistake, perhaps I’m meant to be here. And I can’t explain all the forces that brought me to this point. But here’s one thing that you can bet your tail on…” Twilight Sparkle leaned forward with wide eyes. “… The fate of the universe can wait until after breakfast.”

“Gah!” Twilight tried to drop her head onto the table, but her food was in the way. With a splat, her bowl flipped onto her face and covered her in lumpy breakfast mush. She groaned and began trying to wipe off the mess with a handkerchief.

I groaned too, inwardly. I hadn’t really woken up on the right side of the bed, but that was no excuse for me to be a jerk to my host. Sure she tried to experiment on me without my consent and yes, she still hadn’t apologized for it, but she was just excited. Studying new things was her passion and, as far as social etiquette, she still had the most character development to undergo then any of the other main 6. I softened my tone and asked,

“What do you have so far?”

“What?”

“I’m flattered that you’re interested in me. Humans aren’t very unusual where I’m from, so I’m curious as to what’s going through your head right now.”

“You mean that?”

A cautious nod.

Her face lit up like a firework.

“Well, I started with trying to identify your species, but when that didn’t work, I had to resort to my own deductions! Which, by the way, was very difficult to conduct comprehensively since you’re about the mist chimera-ish creature yet discovered!” Twilight Sparkle’s smile blossomed like a flower as she pointed out the various books around the room. “You have the spine and carpals of a minotaur, but that’s the only similarity I could find aside from various examples from the ape family. Your hide, facial features and especially your lack of hooves are especially intriguing. It’s like you’re missing a joint in your hind legs.”

“It’s skin, not hide. Makes me look like a bald pink jelly bag, I imagine. And as for my missing leg joint, it’s still there.” I wiggled my ankles. “It’s just used as an extension of the foot to create a wider base to stand on. It helps us humans balance and gives our walking motion a very soft and gliding feel.”

“Fascinating.”

“I took biology in college, so I could probably answer any questions you have on human physiology.”

“A student?” Twilight and Spike asked at the same time. The pony’s face was a smile while the dragon’s wore an expression of ‘oh, great! Another egghead…’.

“Never finished that degree, though.” I hid my face behind my bowl.

“That’s wonderful!”

“So, what do you want to know?” A part of me was really trying to be nice to Twilight, she was so cute when she was excited, but the more secretive part of me was also manipulating this conversation into my favor. I figured that the best way to keep from interfering with the show’s story line too much was to prove that humans were very boring and of no consequence. I’d let Twilight have her fun now, but avoid any hard questions. Like,

“Where do you come from?” I nearly choked on my oatmeal, but I recovered quickly.

“Last I knew, I was in Oregon. You’ve probably never heard of it.” Hipster mode: on. “It’s a quiet state a couple continents away from here.” And a hop, skip and a jump across a sea of stars.

“You got lost?”

“That’d be an understatement. I don’t even think the CIA could find me here. Or even Hubble for that matter.”

“And there are more of you?”

“Enough.” Billions.

“You’re a mammal, right?”

“Yes.”

“Spike! I guessed it!” Twilight cheered.

“Whoopee…” The dragon pushed himself away from the table and began cleaning up the dishes.

“And why do you always walk on two legs?” The unicorn continued.

“Because it’s cool.” I shrugged, but I think Twilight wrote down my answer anyway.

“Why does your hair only grow on your head?”

“Why does yours?”

“Touché.” The unicorn frowned. “And is that unique to your head?”

“Well, males grow hair on their chin for no apparent reason, and we also have hair under our arms.”

“Anywhere else?”

“Not that I can tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m determined to keep this relation TV-Y.” I folded my arms decidedly.

“What?”

“What?”

“Moving on.” Twilight flipped over another sheet of paper. “I’m curious about your ability to masticate…”

“Oh, God! I wasn’t doing that in my sleep, was I?”

“Huh?” The mare’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“…Oh, you said ‘masticate’. I just thought… because we were just talking about… Forget it.”

“I was going to ask what you eat. Your muzzle-”

“-Mouth.”

“-is very small. So small, that your nasal organ protrudes beyond it. Not only is this puzzling, but I’ve identified at least one type of odd transitional tooth in your jaws besides the typical well-developed incisors and molars seen in equines. Your canines seem very well built-up relative to us.”

Moment of truth. (Or lies.)

“Oh, those are for cutting tougher stuff than the incisors can handle.” Meat.

“Such as?”

“Um… I don’t know… tough-skinned fruits like mangoes and oranges…” Tendons. “And they help break down hard stuff like carrots…” Muscle.

“Oh! You eat roots, then?”

“Yes! Roots! Like potatoes and things…” And flesh.

“Mark, potatoes are tubers.”

“…I knew that.”

The next couple hours ticked by and Twilight Sparkle and I barely moved from our seats. She was a veritable fountain of questions, asking anything and everything that crossed her mind. At times, she tried to keep to a theme, such as physiology and exercise, but other times, it was obvious that her curiosity was simply running amok. Not to sound egocentric, but I’m glad we spent most of our time talking about me. Specifically, things like metabolism, various potential illnesses, and what to do in case of injury, as opposed to hard questions about Earth, politics, and human society.

“Whew…” I sighed to myself as I pulled away from the conversation to use the bathroom. After stuffing a towel along the base of the door to dissuade any purple prying eyes, I gave myself a small victory smile in the mirror. I had successfully avoided talking about the fact that I would need to find some source of protein sooner or later, danced around the issue that I was living evidence of a parallel world, and had hidden all (well, most) evidence that I was a freakin’ brony and already knew who Twilight Sparkle was and all the trials she was bound to go through.

Just like how ‘religion and politics’ are two things to avoid talking about at parties, “complete-disregard-for-the-laws-of-time-and-space and the-fact-that-I’m-walking-through-a-fictional-world” were topics I needed to avoid here. Even if those are the only issues that really matter. This was the first time I had cared enough to ask,

“How did I get here anyways?” Could I blame Discord? No, his power was still sealed in rock. Did I fall through a glitch in the multiverse? Perhaps, but how could I test that? Was I actually trapped in my own insane mind and tied up in a padded room back on Earth? Well, if that was the case, then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about living in my parent’s house any longer. There were worse fates than falling into an eternal dream about ponies.

The air grew heavier and a distant harmonic noise reached my ears. I looked behind me to see the towel being gently pushed aside by a pink glow.

“Are you done in there?”

“Not cool, Twilight! Not cool!” I shoved the towel back with my foot. “Didn’t they teach you anything about respect for other’s privacy back in Canterlot?”

“If you’re done, don’t flush! I want a sample.”

*Flush!*

“Perhaps next time!”

“Tell you what,” I opened the wooden door and looked down at the unicorn, her head still stuck to the floor; “You can take a urine sample when Steve Magnet gets a second episode.”

“Who?”

“Exactly.”

“But these are important things to document! We need to quantify what nutrients you pass! You don’t want to get malnourished because you’re in a different culture eating new foods, do you?”

I hated to admit it, but she was right. This world didn’t have dietary supplements for omnivores. Perhaps I could just live off beans and rice for the next eternity. Goodbye buffalo wings…

“Ready for your x-ray?” Twilight pranced in front of me and looked up with an adorkable smile. I groaned, but I couldn’t resist,

“Fine…”

“It’s not that bad!” Spike piped up. “She did a couple for my baby book. Wanna see?” The dragon revealed a thick binder and held it out to me like a child showcasing his refrigerator art. He opened the book to show a series of green scales taped to the paper. Besides the scales were notes and numbers that I couldn’t read.

“See? This was when I was a day old. This one’s a week old. Month, year. Here’s the x-rays.” I saw the white bones of a splayed lizard on a black background. I don’t think he was wincing, but I couldn’t tell.

“Spike? I don’t know how to tell you this, but your baby book looks more like a dissertation on The Live and Development of Draconia, Terrarius.” It even had sketches of him chewing on rocks and sleeping in the bathtub.

“Hold still!” I glanced up just in time to see Twilight levitate a black piece of paper in front of her horn. Before I could react, the unicorn’s magic flashed and a radiant purple aura pierced the paper, soaking me with violet rays.

“Ow!” I yelped, blinking as my pupils expanded and shrunk with a will of their own. “You can’t just do that!”

“Hmm… What do you think?” Twilight held the paper up to a window. Still rubbing my eyes, I watched as an image of my bones manifested on the film. Oh, and Spike was there, too.

“I dunno. Jack Skellington and his mini-me…”

“Let’s do another one!” The unicorn grinned.

“Gah! No! Wait! I need something to protect my knickers!”

*Flash!*

“Watch it!”

*Flash!*

“Aww, come on!”

*Flash!*

I don’t know how this looked from outside the library, probably like a black light disco party. Come to think of it, I don’t know what this looked like inside the library, either. My eyes were flashing light and dark faster than a Japanese Porygon. All I knew was that I had a metal pan clutched to my groin and I was running.

“This is good!” Twilight said, “I need to see those feet in action!” My pleas for the unicorn to spare my future children fell on deaf ears. When the flashes stopped, I found myself collapsed in a pile of books, staring up at the ceiling, praying for the world to stop spinning so I could get off.

“These will do for now…” Twilight levitated a phone book’s-worth of black photos into a neat stack and tapped them even.

“Huehue…” Spike giggled at me and pointed. When I finally looked down at my body, I could still see my skeleton glowing through my skin. I slammed my head back on my bed of books in frustration. There must have been enough radiation coursing through me to set off every Pip-Boy in a 1000-mile radius.

“I don’t know what you were going on about, though.” Twilight muttered. “This spell only resonates carbon deposits. You don’t need any special protection.”

“What? Now you tell me?” My teeth ground together like flint and my rapid gasps became growls of frustration. I pulled myself to my feet and marched towards the door.

“Where are you go-”

“Out!”

“Why?”

“It’s called fresh air. You should try it sometime.” I needed a break, and a moment to clear my head.

“Actually, with her study habits, she needs to take vitamin D supplements.” Spike giggled. A shimmering aura plucked him up off his claws and dropped him onto the unicorn’s back. She glanced around the room, grabbing her saddlebags and whatever blank pieces of paper remained lying about.

“Then I’m coming too!”

I didn’t object, I simply marched out into the free air. Perhaps I could catch a break from Twilight’s experiments, if not from the mare herself. She could only carry so many probes and nefarious instruments with her at one time, right?

Right?

The streets were sunny and full of colorful ponies. They didn’t stare at me quite the same way as yesterday, but then again, I wasn’t running and I had a pony escorting me. I passed a couple houses before returning to the gazebo in the center of town. It was still in ruins from when Nightmare Moon popped out of it like a cloudy jack-in-the-box, but most of the debris had already been collected into piles.

I pretended to know where I was going, but really I was just trying to enjoy the town while keeping Twilight’s questions to a minimum. To her credit, she stayed pretty quiet on her own, but that’s because she had her muzzle glued to the ground, watching my feet as they soundlessly drifted over the streets.

“Interesting.” She muttered. “Mark, do your feet hurt at all?”

“Now that I think about it, yeah.”

“You don’t wear shoes?”

“Actually, I do. Or, I should, but I don’t have them with me.” I glanced down at my pale toes. I was surprised at how quickly they were growing protective calluses, but the callouses were hopelessly outnumbered by the blisters and cuts. Even if I wasn’t the one wearing them, my feet hurt just to look at. I had been walking around Equestria barefoot and I rarely even walked around my own house barefoot back on Earth. I could feel every grain of dirt beneath me.

“I wonder if Rarity would have any ideas.” Twilight mused. “Any way to protect your feet.”

“Well, I can’t wear horseshoes, because I don’t have a hoof.”

“No, you have five mini-hooves.”

“… Very observant. Anyway, shoes for humans are… Hmm… How to explain? Like really really durable socks with a stiff, form-fitted sole running the whole length.”

“I’m having a hard time imagining that. Could you draw a picture?”

“Drawing’s one of the few things I’m good at.”

“Then here! Take this pen and… um… hold on…” Twilight Sparkle fished in her bags for a blank piece o paper. Then another. Then another, only to find that she had filled all of them with pictures of feet. “Um…” She espied a nearby newspaper stand and galloped up to it. She quickly tossed a small coin at the vendor and plucked a paper off the pile. The pony didn’t say anything as he watched the unicorn dashed back towards me.

“Here! Draw on this!” She gestured towards a blank space.

“A newspaper?”

“It’s all I could find.” She sheepishly admitted.

I obediently took the grey parchment and the hovering pen, but I didn’t write anything. Something on the newspaper caught my attention. The front page was covered with a large picture of the two most important ponies in Equestria. Celestia stood smiling on a wide stone balcony with her wings spread protectively over her little sister Luna. Flowers and ribbons were frozen in the air all around them and a crowd of ponies spread filled the streets of the city below.

“What’s this?” I gestured at the picture.

“Hm?” Twilight craned her neck to see. “Oh, that’s Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”

“But what does it say about them?”

“You can’t read it?”

“It’s Greek to me. Could you please tell me what it says?”

“Facinating…” She took the paper and read the entire article at a glance, “It says,

‘Nightmare Moon Vanquished

Princess Celestia Returns to Canterlot with Rescued Sister, Princess Luna

Canterlot rejoices in the safe return of the Princess of the Dawn and the Mistress of the Evening after a tense epidemic of darkness caused by the nefarious Nightmare Moon. Princess Celestia has declared a day of celebration in honor of her sister, who…’”

Twilight Sparkle read on while I stood by, a frown growing heavier and heavier on my jaw. The article spoke of the celebration, the return of Luna to her princess duties, even a brief paragraph of how the calendar makers were going to adjust to the extra-long night, but there was little mentioned about the Elements of Harmony and even less mentioned about the ponies who had used them to save the princess in the first place.

“Isn’t there anything in there about you and your friends?” I finally spoke up.

“Hm?”

“Nothing about your journey to the old castle to retrieve the Elements of Harmony? Nothing about who it was who ‘vanquished’ the nightmare? Nothing about Equestria’s newest protectors?”

“Of course. It’s right here.” She gestured with her horn at a paragraph buried three-quarters the way through the article. “…princess thanked the brave citizens of Ponyville who, with the Elements of Harmony, turned back Nightmare Moon’s darkness and-”

“Brave citizens of Ponyville?” I coughed. “What the heck is going on?”

“Mark?”

“On Equestria’s darkest day, all six of you left the safety of the town. You wandered into a forest that nopony has ever come out of and you faced down a manticore, a raging sea serpent, and a vengeful goddess of darkness! And that’s all they have to say for your sacrifice?!” I hadn’t realized that my fingers had curled into a fist until Twilight looked at them and made a note of it. “You’re all heroes in the truest sense of the word! Shouldn’t somepony acknowledge that you risked your lives for them?”

“Mark, please calm down, what’s gotten into you?” Twilight Sparkle looked behind me to where the newspaper vendor was watching with wide eyes. I swallowed reluctantly and forced my white knuckles to relax. A shot of righteous anger is what got into me, that’s what.

“You’re heroes.” I repeated. “I just don’t understand why nopony has said anything about it.” The mare thought for a minute, looking down at the newspaper.

“It said what it needed to say.” She looked up. “We were brave, and we brought out the Elements of Harmony. We have the gratitude of Princess Celestia and now Princess Luna. That’s enough for me. And, true to their names, the Elements of Harmony restored balance to the world.”

“But it didn’t even include your names…”

“And I’m glad it didn’t. I had enough ponies trying to get close to me just because I’m Princess Celestia’s personal student. I don’t need more of that now that I helped use the Elements of Harmony. Besides, it would be a mistake to alienate us from the community we helped to protect. After all, conceitedness if not an element of harmony.”

My brain had to digest that last one for a good ten seconds.

“Touché.” I acquiesced. Still, I made a mental note to have a serious chat with the writer of that article if I ever got the chance.

“At least that’s what Celestia would say… Now!” Twilight’s eyes brightened back up. “Are you ready to head back to the library?” My heart leapt into my throat.

“Actually! I just realized that I wanted to go somewhere!” I sped off towards the market place.

“Where?”

Anywhere but back to little miss Frankenstein’s library.

My path opened up onto the main marketplace where there were dozens of colorful stalls, mostly selling produce and baked goods, but some were selling kitchen supplies or servicing horseshoes. My eyes darted around for any reason not to return to the library. There was a clock stand that Timeturner was working at, an asparagus stand, and even that darn cherry vendor who was going to take advantage of Fluttershy in a future episode. I suddenly had an urge to slap that particular vendor, but my energy was immediately directed towards a more constructive venue.

At the far end of the street, a blond tail tied with a red band was vanishing around a corner. On the pony’s flank were three crimson apples.

“Applejack!” I called out. There was no way my voice could reach her through the crowd, though. I picked up my feet and began dancing through the low tide of four-footed shoppers.

“Mark? Wait up!” Twilight fell slightly behind, but I only needed to gain a couple seconds on her. Just long enough to send an SOS. As soon as I turned the corner, I cried out,

“Applejack!” The mare was pulling an almost-empty cart of granny smith apples and was just turning towards Sweet Apple Acres when she heard me. She glanced over her shoulder with a look of surprise.

“Howdy, Mark. What’s wrong?”

“I need a favor! Twilight’s getting overzealous about studying the new guy in town.”

“Say what?” Applejack’s freckled cheeks squinted in confusion. Everything became clear an instant later, though, when Twilight came up hot on my tail, scraps of paper following her like leaves in the wind. The earth pony quickly looked back to me.

“Well, of COURSE you’re welcome to tag along! That’s mighty kind of you, Mark.” She smiled and winked a meadow-green eye at me.

“Thank you!” I mouthed the words. Having somepony as level and sturdy as Applejack around would certainly keep Twilight’s enthusiasm in check.

“What?” Twilight spoke up.

“Nice to see you too, Twilight. So, what have you two been up to all day?” Applejack asked casually.

“Well, a couple hours ago, I woke up to find Twilight Sparkle sticking long objects in my orifices.” I shrugged.

“Say what now?”

“I was measuring your teeth!” The purple unicorn said defensively.

“I see…” Applejack looked back up towards me with an ‘oh-that’s-what-you’ve-been-going-though look. She tactfully changed the subject, “Y’all sleep in pretty late, then. I’ve already finished the chores around the barn and was just about to start harvesting an order of apples from the east orchard.”

“What were you doing in town, then, if you don’t mind me asking?” I looked into the empty cart.

“Delivering these here baking apples to Sugarcube Corner.” The earth pony explained. “Big Macintosh, that’s my big brother by the way, is busy helpin’ clean up that mess Nightmare Moon left for us, so I’ve been picking up his share of the deliveries.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I glanced back at Twilight Sparkle. Her mouth was pursed into a small, impatient, expression.

“Well that’s mighty kind of you! There’s not much left ‘s far as the chores go, but you’re plenty welcome to help in the east orchard with me.”

“I’d love to!” I loved working outside, especially when the cool air tasted as delicious as it did here in Equestria, but I couldn’t help but glance down at my flaccid limbs and compare them to the bronze pillars that the farm mare was walking on. I didn’t know how much I’d actually be able to help.

“Hold on!” Twilight Sparkle objected. “I thought we were going back to the library!”

“So you can take pictures of my kidneys? Spoiler, they look like kidney beans. I just didn’t want to be cooped up inside all day.” Every year, I was the kind of person whose most acute malady was ‘spring fever’.

“But-”

“Now, sugarcube, we all know you’re excited about the new human, but he needs his space too.” Applejack chided. I gave her a secret thumbs-up and another ‘thank-you’.

“But we don’t know anything about him! We don’t know if his blood is poisonous or if his touch can turn ponies to stone! He could be a larvae for all we know, about to metamorphosise into a giant bug-dragon.”

“You know, I’m right here, right?” I glanced over my shoulder with more than a little revulsion.

“So am I.” Spike folded his claws across his chest.

“Now, Mark, are you going to hurt anypony?” Applejack glanced up at me.

“Of course not.” I winced.

“An’ that’s good enough for me.” The earth pony straightened her hat and kept walking.

“And you believe him? Just like that?” Twilight objected.

“Sugarcube, it don’t do anypony good to meet them assuming the worst.”

“… And you trust him?” Twilight asked pointedly. Applejack looked me up and down again before smiling and saying,

“Until he proves otherwise.”

Immediately, my appreciation for the country girl grew three sizes. In a world where literally anything could happen, evil or benign, she still chose to see me not for my bald skin or for my swag-y walk, but for the individual I was. I’ll admit, the cold feeling of isolation had been growing inside of me for the past couple days, quietly but constantly reminding me that I was alone in this world with no reason for anypony to help me. However, just this simple gesture by a simple mare helped me feel like I could belong here in Equestria for the first time.

Even Twilight Sparkle seemed to resign a bit after that. We left the town of Ponyville below us and began making our way through the endless orchards of Sweet Apple Acres. After a brief explanation on her methods, Applejack began laying out empty bushel baskets beneath the fruit trees and started her iconic applebucking. She gave the trunk a sharp kick and the branches shivered, surrendering their plump yellow orbs. As the apples fell like golden rain, the earth pony gave a small smile and daintily crossed her legs.

It was a small job, by farm standards. We only worked for a couple hours, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. The conversation was lighthearted, Applejack seemed to enjoy the company and even Twilight Sparkle was smiling towards the end of it. The mares talked about life on the farm versus life in Canterlot while I taught Spike how to juggle apples. There were a few times when Twilight threatened to relapse into her biologist mode, such as when she snatched an apple out of my mouth and refused to give it back until she had copied the teeth marks, but other than that, she behaved pretty well.

“How’re ya holding up, Mark?” Applejack called over her shoulder as we toted the last few bushels back to the farm.

“Great!” I panted, waddling with a large basket of Golden Delicious apples braced on my hips. I wasn’t scrawny as far as humans go, and I had even had a job as a landscaper for a year, doing very much this same thing, but I was still nowhere near the pony’s sheer physical strength. Applejack trotted along with two large bushels on her sides and even Twilight was unphased by her burden. I, on the other hand, could feel a line of sweat running down my back.

“Thank you kindly, y’all, for helping me out. I bet Big McIntosh I could get all these Golden Delicious in the barn by lunchtime. If I win, he's gonna walk down Stirrup Street in one of granny's girdles!” Applejack giggled and skipped.

“No… Nope… Nope…” Spike muttered as he sat on Twilight sparkle’s back, fishing around in the harvest for something to snack on.

“No problem at all, Applejack.” Twilight grinned. “I'm glad the goal is lunchtime, though. All this hard work is making me hungry.”

“Hm?” I grunted. Something about this scene felt familiar.

“I know, right?” The little dragon muttered.

“Puh-lease, Spike! You've been lounging on my back all morning while everypony else worked.”

“Not a pony!” I tried to raise my hand.

“Right, sorry, Mark.”

“Exactly! You two were taking so long, I missed snack-time.” The little guy could get snappy when he was hungry. For that matter, my tank was running on ‘E as well. I needed a Dos Equis and a fried egg sandwich, but decided to see what everypony else was going to do for food. I hated the idea of mooching, but I was still broke.

Spike looked down in surprise when a deep gurgling came from the pony beneath him. Twilight Sparkle laughed nervously,

“Eh-heh-heh, I guess we’d better get some food?”

“I could swear, something about this feels familiar.” I thought to myself. Perhaps if I was sitting at home on the other side of a computer screen I would have recognized it. Instead, I was busy keeping sweat out of my eyes and dodging the rejected fruit the dragon was dropping.

“Nope! Worm... A-ha!” Spike held aloft a giant jewel of an apple, its polished skin glistened like a replica of the sun.

“Oh Spike! That looks delicious-” Twilight’s eyes grew wide just in time to see the fruit vanish into the jaws of the baby dragon. Glassy droplets of thick juice flew in all directions.

“Spike!”

“Mm? What?” The dragon tried to swallow, but in that moment, something rose up out of his throat with a mighty, “Buuurp!” There was a flash of green fire, and a smoky orb leapt out from the back of his throat. It twisted into a vortex before the telltale letter materialized out of the smoke.

“Asdfghjkl!” I squeaked unintelligibly and bit my fist as realization struck me like a two-by-four. This was the opening of ‘The Ticket Master’! The first actual episode of MLP:FIM aside from the pilot. The first episode I watched (before becoming an official brony) to taste and see what this show would be like now that they didn’t have a villain. I had a lot of gratitude to this episode for not dropping the ball.

“Relax, Mark, it’s just a letter from Princess Celestia.” Twilight’s magic snatched up the scroll, sealed with a golden emblem of a horseshoe and a red ribbon.

“Just a letter from the Princess…” I echoed, smiling. Spike plucked up the letter and cleared his throat,

“Hear ye, hear ye. Her Grand Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, is pleased to announce The Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot, on the 21st day of, eh, yadda yadda yadda,…”

“That just sounds like a copout so that the writers didn’t have to explain Equestrian calendars.” I set down my bushel of apples and crossed my arms.

“… cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest.” As Spike finished the message, two shiny gold tickets fell out of the paper. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack had riveted their eyes on Spike the moment he mentioned the Gala. Now that he was finished, however, they both glanced and each other and all their excitement spilled out,

“The Grand Galloping Gala!” They cheered, bouncing giddily on their hooves. Spike looked from one to the other, unamused.

“Wow! This is great! I’ve never been to the Gala!”

“Yeah, and that doesn’t make a lick of sense to me...” I coughed into my fist. Seeing as she’s being preened to be a princess one day and whatnot, how could Celestia not let her ‘most faithful student’ attend one of these fancy events before? It’s not like the unicorn was too young to go. Come to think of it, I didn’t know how old Twilight was supposed to be…

“Well, I’ve never gone either and I plan to keep it that way!” Spike’s tongue lolled out of his mouth like a dead worm. “I don’t want any of that girly frilly frou-frou nonsense.”

“Aww, c’mon, Spike.” I patted the baby dragon on the shoulder. “Isn’t that a little harsh? I mean, look at me! I’m a 23-year-old male who’s straighter than an arrow and even I want to go to the girly frou-frou Gala.”

“Mark? Do you even know what the Grand Galloping Gala is?” Twilight Sparkle lifted a critical eyebrow.

“No.” Yes. “But it sounds like fun if you two are any indication.”

“Fun?” Applejack piped up, “It’s gonna be a heap good more than just fun.” She got a far-off look in her eyes, but I soon realized she was just staring at the silhouette of Canterlot in the distance. “Aw, I’d love to attend. Land sakes, if’n I had an apple stand set up, ponies would be chowin’ our tasty vittles till the cows came home. Do you have any idea how much business I could drum up for Sweet Apple Acres? Why, with all that money, we could do a heap of fixin' up 'round here. We could replace that saggy old roof, and Big McIntosh could replace that saggy old plow, and Granny Smith could replace that saggy old hip! Why, I'd give my left hind leg to go to that gala!”

“Hooves McGilligan!?” I gaffed. “You wouldn’t dare! Besides, it’s a gala, not some country fair you can just set up shop in. Don’t you think there’s going to be plenty of food there already?” I really really hated myself for saying that, but if I didn’t bring out the anti-dreamship guns to bring her down to earth, then reality would only make her crash and burn that much harder. And I couldn’t bear to see my little ponies hurt. Not if I could do something about it.

“If there’s a chance, it’s worth a shot!” Applejack bristled. “Nopony can hold a candle to good ol’ fashioned baking goodness! Just you wait an’ see!”

“Oh, well in that case, would you like to-”

“Whoa!” Rainbow Dash crashed the conversation as swiftly as a falcon and as gracefully as a turkey. She barreled right into the two other ponies, scattering apples and baskets everywhere. She still got points for her quick recovery, though. She poked her head up out of the pile of bodies and cried, “Are we talking about the Grand Galloping Gala!?”

“If, by we, you mean Applejack and I.” Twilight blew her bangs out of her eyes.

“Rainbow Dash! You told me you were too busy to help in the orchard. What were you busy doin’, spyin’?” Applejack accused the pegasus as she helped Twilight to her hooves.

“No! I was busy helping with an afternoon shower. And I just so happened to hear that you have an extra ticket…?” Rainbow Dash grinned so broadly that it made my cheeks hurt just to look at them. Twilight Sparkle glanced down uncertainly,

“Yeah, but-”

“Yes! This is so awesome!”

I guess recounting this part of the story would be unnecessary. I know I’ve seen the show and I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume that anyone reading my account will have seen the show, so I’m going to try and save some time, and avoid any future reader’s boredom, by just wrapping up certain events as narration.

No disrespect to Rainbow Dash, though. Watching her eyes go all starry while she recounted her dreams and craziest wishes was absolutely adorable. Sure, she was hoping to crash the Gala and steal the spotlight from her idols, but it was all just a dream. I kind of wanted to bring her back down to earth like I did with Applejack, but I was still stinging from the way she snapped at me. I tried to go about it softer,

“Y’know, Rainbow Dash, I’m no expert, but a Gala doesn’t sound like the place for that.”

“Huh?”

“Well, think about it. How would you feel if you were doing a big show and some hotshot rookie dashed in and tried to show you up?”

“Well, you just haven’t seen what I can do!” Rainbow’s wings rose angrily. “They’ll be begging for an encore once I show them what I’m made of!”

“Yeah, you’re just a little patch of sunshine about this whole thing, aren’t you, Mark?” Applejack agreed.

“I just don’t want anypony to be disappointed.” I stepped back with my hands up defensively. But they just snorted and turned away from me.

Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that it’s impolite to stomp on pony’s crazy dreams.

“Don’t you see, Twilight?” RD whirled back around on the unicorn with her huge, pleading eyes, “This could be my one chance to show ‘em my stuff. You gotta take me!” Applejack seized the pegasus by her tail and pried her away from Twilight’s face.

“Hold on just one pony-pickin’ minute here!” She spat the tail onto the ground. “I already asked for that ticket.”

“So? That still doesn’t mean you own it.” Rainbow Dash flicked her tail into the other mare’s face.

“That does it! Let’s settle this. I challenge you to a hoof-wrestle. Winner gets the ticket.” Before anypony could object, the earth pony and the pegasus dashed over to a conveniently-placed tree stump and clapped their hooves together. Tendons tightened and muscles knotted as Ponyville’s strongest pony clashed with Ponyville’s most athletic pony. A rivalry for the ages, and not one that would be settled here, today.

“What should I do?” Twilight looked at the two ponies leering at each other. Spike and I simply stood back with folded arms.

“You’re asking me? They’re your tickets, Twilight, do what you like. But you’d better hurry before I start putting money (that I don’t have) on Applejack.” The future princess of friendship dashed forward and promptly shoved both combatants off the stump.

“Girls! These are my tickets. I’ll decide who gets it, thank you very much. Can we be mature enough to agree that whoever has the best reason to go should get the ticket?” Funny to hear a girl’s cartoon character talking about maturity.

“Drummin’ up business for the farm?” Applejack stepped forward eagerly.

“A chance to audition for the Wonderbolts?” Rainbow Dash followed suit.

“Money t’ keep this place running?” AJ gestured at the orchard.

“Living the dream!” RD made her eyes glisten again.

Twilight Sparkle looked like a deer in the headlights.

“Oh… my… those are pretty good reasons, aren’t they?” She was obviously uncomfortable in her position. Fortunately, her chance to change the topic was right on cue. Her stomach moaned like a sick cow.

“Ah-ha-ha… Would you listen to that? I am starving. I don’t know about you girls, but I can’t make any important decisions on an empty stomach. So I’ll, just, think about this over lunch and get back to you two, okay?” Twilight courteously excused herself and began heading back towards Ponyville.

“Okay…” RD and AJ said dejectedly. Their eyes caught for a moment and in a flash, they were back on the log, hoof-to-hood and eye-to-eye.

I was torn for a second. I really wanted to see who would win the hoof wrestling contest, but I also didn’t want to miss out on Twilight Sparkle’s first day of friendship lessons. I decided to go with the option that was on her way to lunch. Hopefully AJ and RD would finish up before a new wave of ‘shippers’ found them.

Back in town, it was obvious that the issue was eating at Twilight Sparkle’s conscience. She wore a troubled shadow over her brow and her ears were drooping. Spike was the first to speak up,

“So, who you gonna give the ticket to, Twilight?”

“I don’t know, Spike, but I said I’d think about it over lunch and I’m really hungry, so where should we eat?” She wandered a little too close to Sugarcube corner and the bright pink doors exploded out on her like a giant jack-in-the-box. The ‘jack’ in question lay motionless on the cobblestones like a spent artillery round. I was just about to ask if everypony was all right, but it didn’t take much to jumpstart Pinkie Pie.

Just a glimpse at a couple golden tickets.

“Gah!” She leapt to her hooves and vanished out the right side of my vision only to reappear coming from the left side. I didn’t think even Pinkie Pie could move that fast, or tap her hooves as quickly as she did. After yelling something about bats, she realized that the golden pieces of material looked nothing like small black flying rodents.

“Wait, these aren’t… Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?!” From my vantage point, firmly rooted in reality, I couldn’t see the candy-coated dreamland that began floating through the pink mare’s mind, but I could certainly hear her singing about it.

“What’s she doing?” Twilight wondered, her eyes going up and down as Pinkie Pie bounced past her.

“Oh, the Grand Galloping Gala is the best place for meee!”

“Shh…” I was helping Spike dust himself off. “It’s a musical number.”

“-For Pinkieee!”

“What?”

“There’s no helping her now. We just have to wait it out.” I shook my head.

“Is there nothing we can do?” Twilight Sparkle tried to talk over the rapid, nonsensical bridge of Pinkie’s song.

“Shouldn’t be long now, but you can bet what she’s going to want when she comes out of it.”

“What’s that?”

“Your ticket.”

“’Cause it’s the most galarrific superbly-terrific gala ever

In the whole galaxy!

Wheee!” The pink pony bounced around like flubber. “Oh, thank you, Twilight! It’s the most wonderful-est gift ever!”

“Um, actually…”

“Mark, darling! There you are!” Spike froze beside me as Rarity’s voice floated up from behind us.

“Hello, Rarity. Fancy seeing you here. Now.” I smiled casually.

“Well, I wanted to check in and see how things were going with Twilight and- Oh, my! Are these what I think they are?” Rarity gasped and looked at Spike. Like a lovesick puppy, the baby dragon was clutching the tickets in front of him, unaware that the unicorn’s sapphire eyes were locked on them instead of him.

“Ah-” Twilight’s was immediately drowned out by Pinky’s squeaky voice,

“Yes, yes, yes! Twilight’s taking me to the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot!” Pinkie Pie flurbled enthusiastically. (Previously, I thought only mattresses could flurble.)

Rarity gasped and poured out her own dream about the Gala.

What happened next was probably the most painful fantasy I had to listen to that day. Every other pony had built up fantasies as to what they expected or what they hoped to find at the Gala, but those were all based off of misconceptions about the event itself. It wasn’t a circus to sell treats at, it wasn’t Equestria’s Got Talent, it wasn’t a birthday party, it wasn’t a petting zoo, and it wasn’t even a VIP event to chill with the princess. Rarity’s fantasy, however, was a misconception about a certain pony instead.

The way she gushed about her fairy tale night, you’d think Princess Luna herself had promised that all her dreams would come true if she could just attend the Gala. Unfortunately, she was going to walk into the castle with her heart in her hoof and a pig in horse clothing was going to stomp on it. Already, she had the thinnest skin of all the ponies. I couldn’t let her attach her hopes on Prince Blueballs like that. I even lifted my finger to speak up,

“Rarity… I’m sorry to say, but I think you’re putting too much faith on this-” but Twilight shot me a warning glare that silenced me good.

“Twilight, I simply cannot believe you would invite Pinkie Pie so she can… party… and prevent me from meeting my true love. How could you?” Rarity pouted.

As far as dragons guarding gold went, Spike kind of stunk. A little white rodent with a deceptive name dashed over him and snatched the tickets while he stared at Rarity.

“Hey!” Too late, he came back to the present.

“Ah… Angel…” My eyes flashed like daggers. My smile was more like a hungry sneer as I whispered to myself, “So nice to finally meet you…” The little rabbit brought its spoils to a little yellow pony who was standing nearby.

“Ah! Angel, these are beautiful.” Fluttershy was passing by a couple doors down, but stopped to admire the little gift her fluffy thief brought her.

“Hey! Give those back!” Spike ran after the missing tickets.

“Uh, listen guys, I haven’t decided who to give the extra ticket to.” Twilight tried to defuse the situation, but it still blew up. It had to; otherwise there wouldn’t be much of a show.

“You haven’t!?” Immediately, Rarity and Pinkie Pie’s faces represented the theatre masks of comedy and tragedy. A grin and a frown.

“Um… excuse me, Twilight.” Fluttershy was so cute when she physically couldn’t look anypony in the eye. “I would just like to ask… I mean, if it would be all right… that is, if you haven’t given it to someone else…”

“You?” Rarity lifted a critical eyebrow. “You want to go to the Gala?”

She had a point. When I first watched this episode, I couldn’t imagine the writers coming up with an explanation for why such a quiet pony would want to go to a big fancy party. To their credit, however, they came up with a suitable reason. She didn’t want to socialize… with other ponies, that is. She just wanted to enjoy the castle’s quiet gardens. This was actually pretty realistic for her character, seeing as how even my own little sister would rather hang out with animals than attend a party. Kudos to you, writers!

“Oh, no. I mean, yes, or, actually, kind of.” (Sheesh, girl, you’re going to break my comma key!) “You see, it’s not so much the Grand Galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance…”

I wondered if there was any symbolism in the fact that a quiet little pony who never quite fit in with the competitive culture of pegasi would find peace and love on the surface world. A world she had been separated from while growing up, only to find a new life and new friends when the mental barrier that had separated her all her life was finally breached. Some poetry, reminiscent of ‘The Little Mermaid’ or some other fairy tale.

Nah! Probably not. But there was no arguing with the fact that the quiet little pegasus loved nature with a pure-hearted passion.

“Gee, Fluttershy, it sounds… beautiful?” Twilight frowned as Fluttershy finished recounting her dream night.

“Wait just a minute!” Rainbow Dash leered down from the top of a nearby rooftop like Batmare.

“Rainbow Dash, were you following me?” Twilight flinched as the pegasus landed in front of her.

“No! Well, yes. I mean, maybe!” RD stuttered. “Look! It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t risk a goody-four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anypony!”

“Wait just ANOTHER minute!” Applejack marched up.

“Applejack, you too?”

“No! I was followin’ this one to make sure she didn’t try any funny business. Like tryin’ to snatch mah ticket.”

“Ha! Your ticket?”

“But Twilight’s taking me!” Pinkie Pie objected.

The knot of ponies began arguing and quarreling like a flock of chickens. Just outside the circle of noise, Spike and I stood by, watching it all play out. I glanced down at him,

“So… What would you recommend for lunch?”

“Meh, I’d love some gemstones for once, but I don’t mind the hay fries.”

“What do those even taste like?”

“Like grass, but fried.”

“Sounds promising.”

Twilight’s eyes were darting back and forth between all her friend’s angry faces and her ears had flattened back on her neck. She slowly shrank under the onslaught of accusations and pleadings and arguments. Finally, she exploded like a pressure cooker,

“Quiet!”

“…and then I said, ‘Oatmeal, are you crazy!?’… oh.” (I kid you not, my brother and I won a round of ‘Taboo’ by using that line.)

“Girls, there’s no use in arguing.”

“But Twilight-” Rarity continued to argue.

“Eh!” A quick wave of her hoof silenced any objections. “This is my decision, and I’m gonna make it on my own. And I certainly can’t think straight with all this noise-” Including the noise of her gut rumbling like a hoard of zombies. “…Not to mention hunger. Now go on. Shoo!”

The other ponies reluctantly obeyed, drifting off in their own separate directions.

“And don’t worry! I’ll figure this out!... Somehow…”

However, this episode was far from over, and I caught more than one competitive pony glance back at Twilight’s ticket with an envious hunger. If the goddess Eris herself was in Equestria, she could forgo the golden apples altogether and simply go with gold tickets. What the hay was Celestia thinking, only sending two?

“Mark, you coming?” Spike pried me out of my thoughts. I nodded and followed him and Twilight to a nearby restaurant.

Apparently, the place came highly recommended, and even as a human, I could tell why. Sure, the little haystacks for seats were a little tacky, but the place was clean, had banners flying, and the service (that French pony) was fast and courteous. As expected, Twilight chose an outdoor table despite my objections. She mumbled something about clearing her head and plopped her jaw helplessly on the quaint mushroom-style table. Even the scent of nearby food didn’t perk her up. I, on the other hand, was sniffing the air like a dog at a bacon convention. Something nearby was being deep-fried.

Twilight Sparkle’s horn simmered with aura like a faint mirage and she began absently plucking the petals off the table’s flower arrangement.

“What am I gonna do, guys? All five of my best friends have really good reasons to go to the Gala. Applejack… or Rainbow Dash? Pinkie Pie… or Rarity? Even Fluttershy… Oh, who should go with me?” That French pony appeared at her elbow,

“Have you made your decision?”

“I can’t decide!” The unicorn snapped.

“Chill…”

“Twilight, he just wants to take your order.” Spike gestured down at the menu.

“Oh… I would love a daffodil and daisy sandwich.”

“Can you help me read this?” I leaned over the table and showed Twilight the menu while Spike asked the waiter about having rubies available.

“You can’t read this?” The unicorn gestured at the rows of hieroglyphics and alien marks.

“No. Why should I?”

“But you speak flawless Equestrian.” Twilight furrowed her brow. I simply shrugged,

“Homeschooled. What can I say?”

“Well, you’ll have to learn if you’re going to live here.” She perused the menu.

“What do you want? Salad? Sandwich?”

“Sandvich!”

“Daffodil and daisy? Artichoke? Raddish? Fried egg?...”

“Ohmygosh! Fried egg, please! You have those?” Proof that there is a God, and that he loves me.

“Ok. I guess we know what he’s having.” Twilight nodded to the waiter and he quickly smiled back and collected the menus.

“I’ll take mine inside.” I whispered out the side of my mouth as he passed. He looked down his long nose at me, but nodded. With that out of the way, I folded my hands and smiled back at Twilight across the table. “I’ll find some way to pay you back.”

“Well… I could pay you to be my personal test subject.” She offered. I continued grinning, letting the gesture slowly grow stale.

“I’m just going to let that sentence hang in the air until you realize how awkward it sounds.”

“What do you think, Spike?”

“I think we have to try another restaurant. I mean, I like grass just fine, but would it hurt anybody to offer some gemstones?”

“Karats are good for you.” Spike and I shared a laugh. Twilight, however, rolled her purple eyes, letting them rest on the flowers again.

“Who should I take?” She muttered.

“Oh, you’re still on that?” Spike sighed.

“Spike, listen! How do I choose? And when I do choose, will the other four be mad at me? I mean, I could give up my ticket and give away two, but that would still leave three disappointed ponies. What if I-”

At this point, I had to pretend to be contemplating the same difficult puzzle by covering my mouth and half-turning away. In actuality, though, I was hiding my smile.

Every brony has their moment when the show became special to them. Mine was two,-part, but the second part wasn’t for a couple episodes later. Instead, this was the first moment when I realized My Little Pony was different from other kid’s entertainment. Other (I’ll call them “lesser”) shows wouldn’t tackle an issue like this with the amount of maturity that Twilight was displaying. “Lesser” characters would argue and yell and fight with their friends for the incriminating ticket like it was some prized steak in a room of wolves. Instead, what was going through the unicorn’s head was what a real person would do in this situation. She was feeling the full weight and reciprocations of what her choice would mean. And, when it came right down to it, one of Twilight’s first thoughts was to give up her own ticket for her friends. That alone proved what kind of character she was made of.

On her part, Twilight still probably considered me a stranger, but at that moment, my smile wasn’t one of laughter. It was one of pride.

“Ah, your food.” The waiter arrived with a plate of simmering hay straws and a sandwich. “And sir, your food is ready as well.”

“Thank you.” I grinned, but all around me, ponies began running into buildings and under awnings. “Good luck with your decision, Twilight.” I quickly excused myself and made my way to the shelter of the restaurant.

“Thank you. This looks so good. I’m sure everything will be much clearer once I eat.”

Meanwhile, I had pounced on a hapless fried egg sandwich and was busy dismembering it with extreme prejudice. It was the most subtle sandwich I’ve ever had. Back home, there were only three dishes I could cook: spaghetti, ramen, and friend egg sandwiches. When I made my signature sandwiches, I had them swimming in mayonnaise, seasoned with a salt lick and smothered in a pillow of Velveeta. Horses, however, have a more sensitive sense of taste. All the ingredients were there, just in smaller amounts. Especially the couple crumbs of cheddar cheese they topped it with, but I couldn’t complain. The realization that these ponies could eat dairy, at least eggs, was going to be a lifesaver for me. Actually, what was I saying? I already knew they ate dairy. If they didn’t eat dairy, then why was there a giant dairy farm featured in ‘Boast Busters’?

“Eh, madam? Are you going to eat your food in ze rain?” The waiter called out to Twilight Sparkle.

“It’s not raining. What’s going on?” The unicorn looked up to see that she was sitting in a tiny island of sunlight surrounded by a drizzly and soggy town. She looked like a religious figure in her little personal sunbeam. Above her, her very own rainbow-haired angel was waving at her.

Words were exchanged. The blue pony used brown-nosed words and the purple pony used stern words to reject them. At least Twilight was perceptive enough to know when ponies were just trying to get on her good side. Probably a byproduct of being Celestia’s personal student again…

“Rainbow, I am not comfortable accepting unwanted favors, so I’d appreciate it if you close up that rain cloud right now.” Twilight shut down Rainbow Dash like a light switch. I sighed. Sure, Rainbow Dash was being a little transparent about her methods, but the ability to control precisely where the rain fell like she did was pretty impressive. I’d have to get used to having pegasi control the weather if I was going to live here. I shivered. It was going to be weird.

The shiver turned into tingling electricity. Twilight was going to get drenched in just a moment and here I was getting lost in my own useless thoughts again. Even after she had graciously bought me lunch, I was standing by while hers was about to be ruined. I leapt to my feet and shouted,

“Quick! I need something flat!”

Outside, the cyan pegasus had just given up on her little pitch for the ticket.

“Ugh, fine!” Rainbow Dash retreated, pulling the hole in the clouds closed behind her.

“That’s better.” Twilight Sparkle, free of the unwanted favor smiled and lifted her food to her mouth. Then the rain hit.

It was like a spring rain, soft, but plenty of it. At least there was no wind. Still, within seconds, the sandwich was inedible, and Twilight Sparkle’s bangs fell flat over her forehead. Ruefully, she glanced up to where Rainbow Dash had been a moment before. That’s when she saw me.

“Sorry…” I smiled sheepishly as I held a menu above her head. It was all I could find, and I still wasn’t fast enough to prevent her soggy fate. A day late and a dollar short. Her reaction to my chivalrous failure, however, wasn’t what I expected at all. Her neck tightened and her teeth set like she was about to explode. I almost stepped back and let the rain fall on her just so that I could get to a safe distance.

“You too!?” She burst out.

“What?” I blinked.

“I can’t believe you, Mark! You want the ticket too!”

“What the hay!? Where’s this coming from?” I wiped rain water out of my eyes.

“Oh, don’t start. I heard you telling Spike that you wanted to go to the Gala. Maybe I just assumed that you would, I don’t know, ASK for it like everypony else.”

“Now hold on, I don’t want the ticket!” I kept the menu aloft, but I really wanted to drop it. “That was just a passing fancy. You’ve already got enough to worry about without me butting in to your conundrum.”

“That’s exactly what you’d say if you really wanted it, Mark. Why else would you be undermining every other pony’s claim to the tickets?” Twilight snorted rain water off her muzzle. “Did you think you could be sneaky about it?”

“Well, AJ’s not going to make more than one sale at a place full of free food. Fluttershy doesn’t know that ‘private garden’ means that the animals are even shyer than she is. Rarity’s concocted some runaway fantasy that even Lewis Carroll would call crazy. And Rainbow Dash can’t comprehend the fact that the event doesn’t revolve around her. Neither does Pinkie Pie for that matter…” I saw the look deepen in Twilight’s face. “… and I’m not helping my case at all, am I?”

When she spoke, her voice was strangely calm and measured,

“Mark, I don’t want any favors from you.” I dropped the menu to my side and we both stared at each other in the rain. (Angry moment, mind you, no shipping here, please!)

“I don’t want the ticket.” I shook my head.

“That’s just what you’d say if you were trying to get it.” The pony huffed and stared blankly ahead of her. I just bit my lips and flapped my arms helplessly.

“Kay. You know what? Fine. I don’t know about you, but I’m soaked. I’ll see you back at the library.” My muddy feet slid in an about-face and I began walking down the street. “Tell Rarity I said ‘hi’.” I called back.

“What?”

“Twilight! It’s raining.” The white unicorn appeared through the shower, adorned head-to-hoof in purple waterproof apparel and a wide, matching umbrella.

“No… Really?” Yet, even the umbrella couldn’t keep the sarcasm from dripping on her.

“Come with me before you catch a cold.”

I sloshed down the streets of Ponyville, occasionally wiping my brow, but mostly just staring ahead. I hadn’t anticipated that Twilight might suspect me of wanting the ticket. I just hoped that I hadn’t put her under any more unnecessary stress. She already had enough coming from her real friends.

“Hmph!” I laughed dryly. I guess I still wasn’t sure if she even considered me enough of a friend to let me get under her skin. To me, though, she was a friend, and her rejection hurt like a kick in the family jewels.

As suddenly as the rain had started, it died off. Above me, the weather pegasi punched holes in the cloud blanket, shedding tiny lancelets of sunbeams over the town. In the next minute, the rest of the storm had crumbled and drifted away like a herd of buffalo, leaving a freshly-scrubbed blue sky behind them.

I flapped my shirt, trying to dry off as much as I could before I made a mess in the library. Then again, it had already been left as quite a mess when Twilight abandoned it this morning. Perhaps I could take a shower and clean up before she returned. However, when I opened the Dutch doors to the library, (both halves) I saw that somepony had already beat me there.

“Oh, hi Fluttershy.” I came in right behind the little yellow pony.

“Eep! Oh, hi, Mark…” She flinched, but turned around with a smile. Around her, a small flock of sparrows and rodents (and Angel) scattered from my appearance. “What brings you here?”

“I could ask the same thing.” But I already knew the answer. “But I won’t. This is just where I’m staying. Mostly for lack of options, but I’m not complaining.”

“Well, you’re always welcome to stay at my cottage for a little while… if you want, that is. I’m sure we could find a comfortable place for you.”

“Aww, that’s kind of you, Fluttershy.” Haha, see what I did there?

“I was just stopping by. I was hoping to meet Twilight, but I think she’s out right now.”

“Probably getting hit by Rarity’s pitch for the ticket about now.” I nodded.

“Oh… I see…” Fluttershy lowered her head until she was almost completely masked by her mane. Angel Bunny (no relation to Bugs Bunny (I hope)) poked his head out from behind the pony’s hoof and tapped it impatiently. She looked back up, “Oh, and then we decided that… you know… because it’s so messy in here… if, perhaps, Twilight might appreciate it if we…”

“Clean up?” I finished.

“Mm-hmm… Oh! And my animals friends want to help too!” The birds chittered excitedly from the bookshelves.

I sighed, but a quick glance around the library and a look at the muddy footprints I was tracking convicted me. Pitch for the ticket or not, this place would be better off with some tidying up. Twilight could use the extra hoof and this place was only in a mess because of me anyways. Perhaps if I could convince her that this was nothing more of an apology instead of a bribe, she wouldn’t be mad at me anymore.

“Mind if I help, too?” I asked. Angel Bunny locked his beady little eyes on me. “Don’t worry, I’m not doing this for the ticket.”

“Oh, well, then, of course! I mean… if you want to… Thank you so much, Mark. Here, I’ll find something you can clean your feet on.” As dainty as a dandelion seed, Fluttershy took to the air. Angel Bunny stared at me for a second longer, his tiny mouth set in a suspicious frown. He lifted a paw and did the ‘I’m-watching-you’ gesture. With a wolfish grin, I returned the favor. His little eyes grew wide and he kept a respectable distance out of arm’s reach after that.

I began by helping sort and move all the books off the floor. We tried to preserve as much of a method to Twilight Sparkle’s madness as possible, compiling her loose leaves of paper and keeping related books close together. Once that was done, the squirrels and the birds shelved them while Fluttershy cleaned the walls and windows. I mopped the floor while Angel Bunny crafted an appetizing salad.

“Better make enough for two.” I spoke to Angel and Fluttershy at once. “She’s pretty hungry.” Angel just shrugged, but seemed fine with the idea.

As we each went about our own tasks, I kept as quiet as possible. Fluttershy didn’t seem like the talkative type and just my presence was enough to keep her timid and silent. However, after long minutes of me trying to blend into the background, she seemed to relax a little. She and her bird friends began whistling back and forth to each other and she finally began humming. Her little voice was soft at first, but the longer I kept silent, the more confident she became.

“Keep your heads now, mate, we’ve come into the realm of the rare and evanescent singing Fluttershy.” I thought to myself in my best Steve Irwin voice. “Crikey, but we have to be careful. One wrong move and this side of her will vanish like morning mist. Quiet now, we dare not get too close…”

With her timid and humble demeanor, her simple, natural beauty, and her entourage of animals, it suddenly hit me that Fluttershy was Walt Disney’s OC. You couldn’t make a better pony version of Snow White if you tried! I was about to speak up, compliment her or something, but at that moment, the door opened.

Showtime.

Twilight Sparkle stood in the doorway with her mouth frozen open and a pleading look on her face. She eyes swept around the room before finally resting on Fluttershy. Personally, I stood as still as possible and hid behind my mop handle. Twilight Sparkle didn’t look like her attitude had improved since we parted.

“Oh, Fluttershy… Not you too?” She moaned.

“Oh, well, hello Twilight.” The pegasus floated a little lower. “I hope you don’t mind, but we’re all doing a little spring cleaning for you.”

“It’s summer.” Twilight said coldly.

“Oh, well, better late than never, right?” Fluttershy blushed almost imperceptibly on her yellow cheeks. Very sweet. I almost got diabetes just by looking at her. “Anyway, it was Angel’s idea.” The bunny was just putting the finishing touches on his salad.

“You’re not doing this for the ticket, are you?” The unicorn’s glare was more critical than a headshot. Fluttershy didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, no. I’m doing this because you’re my very best friend. Right, Angel?” Now it was the rabbit’s turn to look critical. He looked up at Fluttershy and knocked his hind leg against her ankle. “Oh… yes, we are just doing this for the ticket…”

Angel Bunny brought his salad offering to Twilight, smiling. She glanced at it, and for a shattered second, her large glassy eyes were filled with the succulent image of plush leaves. Then, something akin to pure rage flashed across her face.

“No, no, no!” She stamped her hoof.

Angel Bunny was practically knocked backwards by the force of the shout, spilling the meal everywhere. I grimaced and stepped forward with the other half of the salad. Twilight really wasn’t herself when she was hungry. Hopefully, this salad would serve to appease her in lieu of a Snickers bar.

“Twilight. You should eat something.” I tried to sound as far-removed from the whole ticket issue as possible. She glanced at me and immediately I knew she thought I was trying to get my fingers on her ticket again. I shook my head,

“Nope! No bribery, no hoof-greasing, no brown-nosing. Just think of this as a peace offering. I’m sorry you thought I was trying to take advantage of the situation earlier.” I stood there with the salad, waiting to see what Twilight Sparkle would do. The seconds seemed unnaturally long. Too long. Her face went blank and she didn’t even look me in the eye as she marched back towards the door.

“Mark, what did I say about unwanted favors?”

“This isn’t a favor! This is payback for buying me lunch-”

“This was all very nice of everyone, but I’m not accepting any extra favors until I’ve made my final decision.” Twilight opened the door and gestured towards it. “So I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Ouch…” Her cold shoulder gave me frostbite. I had tried to be humble, tried to apologize, opened up my sincerity, and she had just trampled on it. The rejection left me reeling.

For one minute, I was staring at a pony who just flat-out told me that she thinks I’m a conniving, dishonorable schemer, and the next, she vanished. A pair of bright pink legs reached in through the open door and swept Twilight Sparkle off her hooves.

“Surprise!!” A dozen ponies cheered.

“Ah? Twilight?” Fluttershy looked out the window helplessly. Right in front of the library, a throng of colorful ponies was cheering and tossing Twilight Sparkle up into the air.

“She’s fine.” I tossed the useless salad onto a nearby table. “It’s just an impromptu Pinkie Pie Party.” Sure enough, the music began,

“Twilight is my bestest friend! Whoopee! Whoopee!...”

“Oh… Well, then, maybe I should go…” Fluttershy crept towards the door.

“Why? You’re not going to stick around for her decision?” I muttered. In that moment, I was as deflated as the Hindenburg. The look of disappointment Twilight gave me was still floating before my eyes.

“Um… Mark? Are you alright?”

“She can’t trust me!” I shook my head helplessly. “She can’t trust anyone… Even while surrounded by her friends, all she sees is a herd of greedy boot-lickers whose train of thought goes no deeper than that figgin’ ticket!... I’m just peachy, thanks for asking.”

“Oh… then I’ll just… go?”

“Actually, you should stay, Fluttershy.” I turned and gestured for her to join me. “You should be here for when this wraps up. In fact, all of Twilight’s friends should be here for this.” I felt hot under the collar and wanted to give everypony a piece of my mind, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t know why I was feeling so riled up. I knew this story, knew this episode, knew the ending and knew that I wasn’t a part of the plot, so I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that I’d get emotionally caught up in it. I sunk down into a low chair and folded my arms defiantly across my chest. Sure enough, ponies began to trickle into the library.

“Hey, everypony! Pinkie Pie was the first one to come bouncing in. “Watcha doin’?”

“We’re waiting for Twilight to return.”

“No way! So was I! We should start a club! And then we can wait for dusk, then midnight to return, then dawn, then afternoon, then twilight again, then dusk-”

“Um, but wasn’t she just with you?” Fluttershy spoke up.

“Who? Twilight? Yeah, I was throwing her a super-duper-awesome-impromptu-get-on-your-friend’s-good-side party, but she was chased off by a smngry mob!” She almost turned her face inside-out to say that last part.

“A what?” I lifted an eyebrow.

“A smngry mob! It’s like an angry mob, but everypony is smiling!”

“Of course…”

“… and you have no proof that I was only sellin’ those vittles to Twilight! Could’ve been anypony an’ I just picked the hungriest!” Applejack tramped in through the door, followed closely by Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah? Well, what makes you think I was pulling special favors? Huh?”

“Ya left a patch of sunlight on the gal as if she was Saphire Shores herself!”

“Oh… Right…”

“Evening, girls.” I nodded curtly.

“What are all you doing here?” Rainbow Dash bristled.

“According to Twilight, we’re all here for the same thing.” I explained. “Even though she’s mistaken about me.”

“Well, for better or for worse, she’s going to have to come back here sometime.” Applejack adjusted her hat.

“Then maybe we’ll finally get an answer!” The cyan pegasus groaned. “I mean, how long does it take to say ‘it’s yours, Rainbow Dash’?”

“Ooh! Ooh! Five feet, seven inches!” Pinkie Pie raised her hoof.

“I mean, I need the ticket the most!” RD continued, “This is something that’s going to change my life forever! My future depends on this!” She pulled at her cheeks and floated to the floor. Applejack watched her out of the corner of her disapproving eyes.

“I’m not going to comment, on account that I might say something I’ll regret.” The orange pony declared.

The Dutch doors opened again and the last member of the M6 arrived. Rarity paused, as if surprised to see the rest of us already there. Now all the players were in place for the episode finale.

“Oh, dear, I take it Twilight isn’t here.”

“Take a number, take a seat.” I muttered. Aloud, I said, “She’s currently being chased by a smangly… a sanger… a swanger… A smiling mob of ponies.” Rarity looked at me as if I had morphed into a lobster until Pinkie Pie volunteered,

“The smngry mob was growing at an alarming rate last time I checked.” She said, “It won’t be long until all of Ponyville is consumed with a rabid, grinning, desire to commit random acts of kindness for Twilight!”

“Oh, dear. Well, should we try and find her first?” Rarity looked around uncertainly.

“You’ll never penetrate her ingenious disguise as a store mannequin.” I explained. “She needs to come back here eventually.”

“And when she does, I don’t want anypony saying anything! Let her make the right decision!” Rainbow Dash ordered.

“Hooey! Like you’d let her!” Applejack accused. “Everypony knows that you’ll just pounce on Twilight the moment she comes through that door!”

“Hey! I was going to be the first to pounce!” Pinkie Pie objected.

“Can’t we just let her be?” Fluttershy whispered.

“Darling, Twilight is under severe emotional stress right now!” Rarity scoled. I almost nodded in approval until she continued to say, “And that means that I should be the first to approach her. One needs to exercise tact and sensitivity in a situation like this.”

The conversation disintegrated like Tums in water. Everypony was accusing the others of trying to steal the ticket or arguing why their reason for going to the Gala was better than anypony else’s. I stewed in my seat for a while, listening to the din gradually rise higher and higher. Poor Fluttershy just got smaller and smaller the louder the library became. I knew I shouldn’t interfere with the plot of the episode, but I reached a point where I didn’t care anymore. I slapped my knees, hauled myself up to my full height and bellowed,

“Enough!”

Five large pairs of eyes turned towards me. (Not counting Angel. He went back to Fluttershy’s cottage after the whole salad incident.)

“I thought you all were better than this, but now I find I’m just sitting here disappointed in each and every one of you!” I shook my head. “You’ve all been so focused on yourselves, that you haven’t realized that you’ve thrown away any respect you had for each other. The only one who’s carried herself with any kind of admiration is Twilight Sparkle herself!”

“Hey!”

“Siddown, Dash! If you’re all done talking, I’ve got something to say, so would you all kindly listen?”

“Sounds like you got a bee in your bonnet, Mark.” Applejack mused, but politely sat down. “What’s on your mind?”

“Thank you.” I looked around at my new audience, suddenly nervous about lecturing my little ponies, but determined to say my peace anyway.

“Now, I know I’ve got this backwards; I’m supposed to take the log out of my own eye before pointing out the splinter in yours, but since I didn’t have any friends to work with back home, I’ll just give what advice I can for the here and now. You’ve all been acting disrespectfully. Not just to Twilight Sparkle, but to yourselves! You’ve been selfish and tunnel-visioned, not caring who you were undermining or working around so long as you got one step closer to your dream.”

“Isn’t that what dreams are for?” Rainbow Dash hung her cheek on her hoof, bored at my speech already.

“Look at it this way, what have you all been saying all day?” I pointed to each of the ponies in turn, “Me. Me. My. My.” My finger paused on Applejack, “Not-quite-‘me’-or-‘my’-but-still-missing-the-whole-point-of-what-this-day’s-been-trying-to-teach-everyone.”

“And that is?” Rarity asked.

“That you’ve all been focusing on yourselves and have been completely blind to the distress and dreams of the one pony who’s actually the most deserving of the ticket!”

“Who?” Rainbow Dash lifted her wings in excitement.

“C’mon, girls! It’s Twilight Sparkle!” I held out my hands as if I were physically handing the ponies the correct answer. But they still weren’t getting it. A confused groan circled the room.

“Mark, darling, Twilight Sparkle already goes without saying. We were trying to find whose romantic, life-altering vision was to accompany her.” I jabbed an accusing finger at Rarity.

“No! She doesn’t go without saying! I’ll have you all know that while she was pondering this issue over lunch, one of the first directions her brain went was to consider forfeiting her own ticket so that two of you could go.”

“She… really said that?” Fluttershy gasped.

“She did.” I mustered all my seriousness into those two words. They seemed to have the proper effect. Each pony became strangely quiet and even Rainbow Dash hung her head in thought.

“You see now? She was willing to sacrifice for you. She was willing to put your dreams before her own. She respected each of your enough that it was worth more for her to give up her fantasy night so that one of you could have yours. And the only thing that stopped her was the fact that she couldn’t choose which two to send. She couldn’t bring herself to disappoint the three who would have to remain behind.” I drove the final point home, “Is it really too much to ask that you try to do the same?”

The silence continued.

“Just… out of curiosity,” Rainbow Dash was the first to speak up, “what was Twilight Sparkle’s dream night at the Grand Galloping Gala?”

I didn’t really have an answer. Well, I did, but not one that I should technically know at this point in time. I did, however, have a lot of hints,

“She’s just moved away from her home. She’s left her family, her protective big brother, her hometown, and her mentor behind. She’s only been in this quaint little town for a couple days and she’s found the first real friends she's ever had and has risked life and limb for them. But, by the time the Gala rolls around, what do you think will be going through her head? Honestly, she’s going to be homesick, the roots she’s putting down in Ponyville will still be new and tender. Twilight Sparkle wants to go to the Grand Galloping Gala to spend one more full night with her mentor and loving teacher. All she wants is to show her family and beloved princess all that she’s accomplished for them. All she wants is to hear Princess Celestia whisper, ‘I’m so proud of you, my most faithful student’.”

I wasn’t acting when my throat got tight towards the end. My life was a jumble, and as far as starting a random new chapter in life went, I was going through something very similar. My greatest dream was for someone to tell me they were proud of me. My emotion must have carried on to the other ponies as well. The library fell completely silent.

“I see…” Applejack removed her hat and fiddled with it.

“I suppose we have acted with less delicacy than we should have.” Rarity agreed.

“Can we tell Twilight that we’re sorry?” Fluttershy asked. I glanced out the window. The sun was already setting and the velvety purple color of Equestria’s night sky was consuming the horizon.

“We shouldn’t have to wait long.” Quietly, everypony waited for the purple unicorn to return. True to my (mysteriously accurate) prediction, Twilight Sparkle returned to the library soon after sunset. Of course, she was too good to use the front door like everypony else. At first, we all felt the air grow thick. Then there was a feeling in our chest like somepony was standing on us. Finally, in a burst of light and noise, a very dazed Twilight Sparkle and Spike the Dragon appeared out of a teleportation spell.

“Ugh! Warn me next time you’re gonna do that…” Spike groaned.

“I didn’t even know it was gonna happen. Now quick, lock the doors!” With her eyes still spinning, Twilight Sparkle began dashing around the library, locking the entrance, fastening the windows, and extinguishing the lights. I and the rest of the M5 watched her run around for a moment. Somehow, she didn’t notice the six pairs of eyes watching her.

“Umm… Should we…”

“No, let’s enjoy this a moment longer, Fluttershy.” I whispered. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Mastercard, but this was one of the former.

“Phew…” Twilight shook the rest of the dizyness from her head and wiped her brow. I reached beside me and lit up a nearby lamp. The purple unicorn spun around like a cat that just got hit with a supersoaker, her eyes wide and her pupils small.

“Yeaaarrrgh!” She collapsed into a shivering bundle of nerves. Cautiously, we crept toward the little ball of tears and stress.

“I can’t decide! I just can’t decide!” She cried. “I know it’s important to all of you and I just can’t stand to disappoint any of you and giving me gifts and doing me favors won’t make any difference because you’re all my friends and I wanna make you all happy and I can’t! I just can’t!”

I didn’t have any words to help repair a broken heart, but fortunately, that’s what we had Applejack for,

“Twilight, sugar, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put so much pressure on you… And if it helps, I don’t want the ticket anymore. You can give it to somepony else. I won’t feel bad, I promise.”

“Me too.” Fluttershy piped up. “I feel just awful that I made you feel so awful.”

“And me too. It’s no fun upsetting your friends.” Pinkie Pie smiled, but her lips were quivering and threatening to break out in a sympathy bawl.

“Twilight, it was unfair of me to try to force you as I did.” Rarity cleared her throat and apologized as well.

“Yes! That means the ticket is mine! Haha! ♪ I got the ticket. I got the ticket- ♫”

The whole group looked up at the cyan pegasus with an expression that practically shouted, “Oh my gosh, Rainbow Dash! Are you for cereal right now!?” Her song died in her throat and she floated to the ground like a deflated balloon.

“You know… I haven’t perfected my best moves for the Wonderbolts anyway. I don’t need that ticket either.”

“We all got so gun-ho about going to the Gala that we couldn’t see how un-gun-ho we were making you.” Applejack explained. Everypony quietly apologized in their own way. For the first time all day, Twilight Sparkle shared a smile with her friends.

She straightened up, cleared her throat and said,

“Spike, take down a note.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've learned that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings, but when there's not enough blessings to go around, having more than your friends can make you feel pretty awful. So, though I appreciate the invitation, I will be returning both tickets to The Grand Galloping Gala.”

“What!?” Everypony burst out.

“If my friends can’t all go, then I don’t wanna go either.” Twilight said definitively.

“Twilight, you don’t have to do that.” Applejack tried to say.

“Nope! I’ve made up my mind. Spike, you can send the letter now.” The little dragon took a deep breath, arched his back, opened a window, and blew a cloud of green flames onto the letter. It evaporated into ash and dust before vanishing into the night air.

“But, now you won’t get to go to the Gala either.” Fluttershy protested.

“It’s okay, girls. I couldn’t possibly enjoy myself without my best friends there with me, so I’d rather not go at all.” Unable to contain themselves, all the ponies buried Twilight Sparkle under an assault of snuggles and giggles.

Spike frowned disapprovingly and pointed his finger down his throat. I just smiled down at the little guy.

“I don’t care if it’s cheesier than cheddar, you’ve gotta admit that that’s adorable.” Suddenly, the dragon clutched his chest. In a burst of smoky wind and green embers, a new letter erupted from his throat. Twilight Sparkle instinctively snatched it out of the air.

“A letter from the princess? That was fast.”

“Yes… It was…” I said suspiciously. So it wasn’t just the miracle of editing for the sake of television; Celestia really was ready and waiting to send this second letter. “Perhaps…”

“My faithful student Twilight,

Why didn't you just say so in the first place?" A flurry of gold fell to the library floor. “Six tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!”

Everypony gasped, slightly stunned and amazed.

“Now we can all go!” Twilight Sparkle tried to cheer, but her stomach growled like a lion with a hangover. Her cheeks grew red.

“Allow us to treat you to dinner.” Rarity came up beside her friend.

“What a great way to apologize.” Rainbow Dash agreed.

“And to celebrate! Come on everypony, the cupcakes are on me!” Pinkie Pie leapt out the library’s front door, followed one-by-one by the other ponies.

“Mark, Spike, you’ll join us of course!” Rarity called from the doorway.

“Of course!” My mouth watered at the thought of dinner, but Spike was moving less-than-enthusiastically. He stared enviously at the golden tickets as each pony took theirs and headed out the door. All of a sudden, he hiccupped and another letter appeared.

“And one for you, Spike.” The little guy’s face lit up and he charged out the door, holding his ticket in front of him like a trophy. He locked eyes with Applejack, who just smiled slyly and daintily crossed her legs.

“I mean, gross! I have to go too?”

“The tough guy’s gotta save face, after all.” Applejack and I laughed.

Just before closing the door to the library, however, the orange pony reached out and touched my elbow.

“Hey, Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t think we missed that little chestnut you dropped earlier this evening about not having friends back home. I know you’ve had a rough time of it, but from now on, I just wanted ya to know that you’ve got friends here.”

“…Thanks, Applejack.” I tried to speak confidently, but it came out as a whisper.

“You and Twilight can learn about friendship together. Starting here.” The orange mare held out a hoof.

“Starting here.” That was my first real hoof-bump.

Author's Note

I seem to be faced with a conundrum; I can't write a chapter per episode (100th episode tomorrow!), because that would only take a ton of time and you as the Reader already know what happens in the show. This chapter has showed me that I might be able to mesh Mark's story arc with the pony's character development, but I'm still left with no clue as to how many chapters I should write devoted to the show and how many I should write as "additional" or behind-the-scenes chapter. Also, I don't know if I should continue to write these canonical scenes word-for-word, or if I should just paraphrase them. Let me know what you think.
-MasterZadok "Mark"

Ch 4: A Season for Everything

Chapter 4
A Season for Everything

“So, I made an itinerary for you today.” Twilight Sparkle greeted the dawn with a smile and a checklist. As for me, my body may have been moving, but that didn’t mean I was awake. My baggy eyes would have made a zombie appear bushy-tailed.

“Does it, by any chance, involve coffee?” I drawled, sipping a tumbler of orange juice.

“No, but I’ve included a list of various toiletries we’ll need to buy, and we need to see Rarity about finding you a change of clothes.”

“Yeah, I think these ones…” I glanced down at the soiled t-shirt I was wearing, “need to be condemned.” It was stained from working in the orchard yesterday. Getting rained on afterwards didn’t count as cleaning and even though Twilight Sparkle was being polite about the issue, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was starting to smell. Fortunately, no one was sporting a clothes pin on their nose yet, but I didn’t want to push my luck.

“Don’t forget, I need to find some shaving materials.”

“Why?”

“So I don’t look like a malnourished chia pet.” I rubbed my fingers against my bristly chin. “Even though males naturally grow beards on their jaw, or rather, because of it, there’s a world of culture and fashion tied into facial hair. Without proper tending, it can look like a bird’s nest glued to one’s neck.”

“But you don’t have one at all. Not when I met you, at least.”

“For young men, it’s socially acceptable to completely forego any attempt at facial style. Me, for instance, couldn’t grow a proper beard if I tried, so I just go with my natural dashing visage for now.” Also, it took me weeks to grow what a Greek man produces on accident by sneezing.

“Got it.” Twilight simply made an extra note on her list. “Let’s see… toothbrush, shopping for more dairy, Carousel Boutique, shaving materials…”

“But, Twilight.”

“Hm?”

“I still need to find out how I’m going to pay for this.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry. I’ll-”

“Thank you, but I’m not just talking about a couple errands. I need to find a job. Need to start paying for my own food, my own place, my own stuff. I just don’t know where to start.” I explained.

“I suppose that makes sense…” The unicorn frowned. It wasn’t a secret that she had hoped I would just agree to be her new guinea pig for an indefinite amount of time, but even she could see that that wasn’t financially viable. “Well, what are you good at?”

“Humans don’t have cutie marks.” I shrugged. “We’re as good at anything as much as we’re good at nothing. I, especially, represent more of the latter. Back home, I was a lifeguard, an ice cream mixer, a finish carpenter, a landscaper and a salesman for a sporting goods store. I will say, though, that when I tried to transition to be a cell phone salesman, I physically wasn’t aggressive enough to meet my sales quota, so I was fired. Oh, and I was a busser at a restaurant just before coming here. Those are all entry-level jobs you see. No special training or skills required. Does that give you any clues?”

“Not really. But what did you like doing?” She clarified.

“Hmm… Well, I like drawing and writing. Of course, the next thing my dad said when I told him that was, ‘that’s fine. What are you going to do for your primary job?’

“Perhaps we could put your physical attributes to use. You must have some advantages, being the only human in Ponyville.”

“What? Like dexterity?” I tapped my fingers on the table. “There’s nothing my hands can do that a unicorn’s magic doesn’t do faster and more precisely. Agility? Usain Bolt himself looks at horses with envy. And my ability to climb like a monkey is nothing special either. There’s nowhere I could go where a pegasus couldn’t follow.”

“Sounds like some-human woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Twilight stepped forward in a supportive gesture.

“I woke up in Ponyville. There’s no such thing as a wrong side of the bed.” I countered. I tossed back my head and finished off my juice. “I’m just having a very sobering moment, that’s all.”

Twilight Sparkle thought for a moment, but before she could say anything, a polite knock on the library’s door distracted her. As she opened it, I peered over her shoulder to see Applejack standing on the doorstep.

“Mornin’ y’all.” The orange mare carried a basket in her mouth, giving her drawl more slur than normal.

“Morning, Applejack!” Twilight Sparkle smiled. “What brings you here?”

“I wanted to thank you an’ Mark for helping out in the orchard yesterday.” AJ set down the basket. “Ah never paid you or nothin’.”

“Aw, Applejack, you didn’t have to do anything.” I came up behind Twilight.

“Well, I brought y’all some snacks if’n that’s alright with you.” Applejack pushed the basket forward to reveal a stockpile of muffins within. Bran muffins, that was… that smelled strongly of cinnamon!

“These look amazing!” I exclaimed.

“Gorgeous!” Twilight agreed.

“Well, enjoy. I’d best be off.” Applejack tipped her hat and slowly turned away. Something about her manner, however, struck me as odd. She seemed just a little slower than normal, just a little quieter than her cheerful self, and her head hung just a little too low.

“Hey, Applejack!” I quickly called after her. She hesitated and looked over her shoulder. “Is everything all right?”

“Not exactly…” She scratched the dirt with her hoof. “Big Macintosh’s hurt himself ‘an now he can’t help harvest the bumper crop this season.”

“That’s-” today!? I almost blurted aloud. “-terrible!”

“What happened?” Twilight Sparkle asked. AJ stared somewhere down and to the left as she explained,

“He was movin’ away some debris from the town hall when an ol’ plank came slidin’ off a pile and knocked him upside the ribs. The doctors patched him up good, said that any smaller pony would’ve been crushed by somethin’ like that…” Her voice dropped off, “I’m just glad it wasn’t worse.”

“That’s gotta be pretty scary…” I stepped forward. “If there’s anything I can do to help? - In fact, how about we help you with the harvest? Yeah! we could get everypony to chip in!”

–was what I said, but what I meant was, ‘if this is the episode I think it is, then we can bypass a lot of pain and frustration, both for you and for everypony else, if we skip the drama and jump straight to the part where you get over your stubborn pride and let everypony help with applebucking season.’

“You didn’t get enough exercise yesterday, Mark?” Twilight lifted an eyebrow behind my back.

“That’s mighty kind of y’all,” Applejack smiled, “But I’ll be fine on my own today.”

–was what the orange mare said, but what I heard was, ‘Y’re too late, pard’ner! I’ve already promised mah brother I’d git this here job done ‘n I’mma do jus’ that!’

“Oh…”

–was what I said, but what I really meant was, ‘You fool! Can't you see I’m trying to save you!’

“Are you sure?” I pressed, but I knew it was a losing battle. “There’s no shame in having an extra hand, or hoof, to help with something that big.”

“You’re sounding just like Big Mac!” Applejack’s neck went stiff. (literally and figuratively.) “Don’t you worry ‘bout me. I know what I’m up against.” She gave a freckled smile and spun on her hoof to march back to the orchard. Twilight and I stood in the doorway, watching her go. Without looking at the unicorn, I said,

“I’m worrying.”

“Don’t. I’m sure she wouldn’t start something she couldn’t handle.” Twilight glanced sideways at me.

“Still worrying.”

“You don’t believe her?” The unicorn chided. She turned and vanished back into the library. “Come on, we need to find some of those ‘nail clippers’ you mentioned.” I remained where I was, watching Applejack make her way back to Sweet Apple Acres and the forest of fruit trees therein.

“Still worrying…” I whispered.

“Well, darling, it’s only fair to warn you that I’ve never had a human client before…” (Much) later that day, I found myself standing in the middle of the Carousel Boutique while Rarity paced around me like a cat circling a bird cage. All around me, the pink interior of the seamstress’ shop was neat and organized; scissors, pins and measuring tapes were all lined up on the shelves like squadrons of tiny planes just waiting for the unicorn’s command.

“I’m not surprised.” I shrugged. “Twilight Sparkle thinks I might be the only human in Equestria. Nopony expected you to be familiar with human proportions.”

For her part, Twilight was resting on a nearby couch, a cup and saucer of tea floating beside her. She continued to take notes of the scene, even as Rarity scrutinized my rags, but she seemed grateful to relax for a bit. It had been a long day of walking around Ponyville; the fruits of which sat in a shopping bag beside her on the floor.

“Oh, dear, that’s not what I meant at all!” Rarity exclaimed. Her horn lit up with a shimmering blue light and a tape measure lanced forward like an eel through the air. “The proportions are… unique… but not a problem. And the way the fabric hangs, intriguing, and so many possibilities for experimentation, but also not overly problematic. No, darling, I was referring to your fashion!”

“Huh?” A glowing aura gripped my arm and lifted it above my head while Rarity squinted at the markings on the measuring tape.

“You mentioned these were pajamas? Then even with what you’re wearing, I simply haven’t the foggiest as to what’s trending in your homeland. You wouldn’t want to appear mismatched or from the wrong year, now, would you?”

I glanced at Twilight helplessly. Financially, I was as broke as a scrambled egg and this fashionista was apologizing because she didn’t know what the latest issue of GQ was featuring. Rarity really was being too kind. The purple unicorn simply shrugged in reply.

“Beggars can’t be choosers. But I really appreciate you doing this, Rarity.” I wanted to sound as sincere as possible, since my gratitude was the only way I could pay her. It was also a subconscious effort to avoid being like her friends in ‘Suited for Success’. (How dare they (literally) look a gift-horse in the mouth!)

“Bend over.” She bit her lip. (Curse you, internet! Sometimes I really hate you!) I kept my face remarkably blank as I obeyed. “And don’t mention it, darling! Oh, this is as much fun for me as it must be for you!”

No comment.

“Mark said that he’s good at drawing.” Twilight Sparkle piped up. “Perhaps he could draw some fashion from his home?”

“And perhaps I’d be better off drawing a chimera or some other abomination to all things good and holy.” I guffawed. “As my sister constantly reminded me, I have a terrible fashion sense and even though I can draw humans pretty well, modern clothing wasn’t always my strong point.”

“Well, there’s no reason to be a drama queen about it.” Rarity’s sapphiric eyes sparkled as she summoned a piece of paper and a stick of charcoal. “Would you, please? Just go with what you know. What you’d be wearing right now if you weren’t covered in… what you’d be wearing right now.” She couldn’t hide a little grimace as she looked over my tired pants.

“All right, but usually when I’m drawing characters, they’re from some sort of fantasy story I’m writing. I have more experience drawing armor or cloaks. For example, I once drew a dragon/knight that turned out really well. He was like a guy covered in thorny armor, so you couldn’t tell if he was a knight trying to be a dragon or a dragon trying to be a knight… But that’s off-topic.” Though she tried to be subtle, it was impossible for Twilight to hide her eye-roll with eyes as big as hers.

“I see… Oh! Lots of vertical lines… A belt, interesting… Indeed, completely new angle for the pockets. This is simply exhilarating!” Rarity watched over my shoulder as I drew a couple skeletons and clad them in my less-than-ritzy everyday apparel. I explained the basics, but quickly found out that that was all I knew.

“…the rounded neck versus the v-neck… shirts shouldn’t be too long; only Link looks good in tunics… denim, denim e’ryday… I personally hate button-up shirts… My brother can pull off the skinny jean look, but that’s because he’s a stringbean…”

Rarity and I bounced back our questions and answers for a while, but eventually found something that, in theory, should be similar to my wardrobe back home. Still, I think the unicorn was more enthusiastic about it than I was.

“Polyester is a very broad term, but I think I have something that will work. It’s the seam between your legs that I’m most concerned about. And what should we do for your shoes?...” Rarity spoke as much to herself as to me. Twilight Sparkle and I were both sitting on the couch, by then, watching while the white unicorn fall further and further into her ‘zone’ (as it were). I sipped at a cup of herb tea while I put the finishing touches on a couple sketches of underwear.

“Sometimes,” I mused, “It’s good to step back and look at your life objectively. Sometimes you glance back and see that all your years of frustration led to your dreams after all. Times when all those broken pencils and crumpled sketches were only stepping stones to refine an artist’s greatest abilities… Then there’s moments like this when I’m drawing underwear.”

“It’s just for today.” Twilight assured. She looked up at me as a thought struck her. “Unless you have a future in fashion! I’m sure you and Rarity could make some groundbreaking new designs.”

“Doubtful. My idea of radical new fashion is wearing shorts as opposed to pants. Whereas Rarity…” I paused as images of monstrous headdresses, gem-encrusted skirts, and a certain purple hat coated in giant rocks flashed through my mind. “… She has her own sense of radical.”

“Well, you were right about drawing.” Twilight examined one of my works with an encouraging smile. “You’re pretty good for not using your mouth.”

“Uh… thanks?...” I set my tea back onto the table, but as I did, something seemed out of place. Something at the back of my mind bothered me. The surface of the liquid was rippling.

“Is everything all right?” Twilight asked, looking at the frown on my face.

“I think so. Just having a Jurassic Park moment. Do you hear thunder?”

Even as the ponies turned towards me and lifted their ears to listen, realization shot through me like a lightning bolt. I leapt over my cup of tea and shot for the front door. I threw it open just as Rainbow Dash shouted,

“Stampede!”

“What!?” Rarity and Twilight Sparkle were right on my heels. We burst out into the afternoon sunlight and squinted towards the steadily rising roar of a hundred hooves. A cloud of dust was rising behind a distant hill, finally unveiling an army of panicking cows. Their eyes were wide with fright as they barreled down the hillside, lowing and shoving each other, charging straight for the heart of Ponyville.

“Stampede!” The call was taken up by Bon Bon and Berryshine and soon all of Ponyville was filled with shouting ponies. The streets were evacuated and doors were locked. Everypony braced for the impending trampling.

Everypony except Pinkie Pie, of course.

“H-e-e-e-e-y! T-h-i-i-i-i-s… m-a-a-a-a-k-e-s… m-y… v-o-o-o-o-i-c-e… s-o-u-n-d… s-i-i-i-i-l-l-y!” The pink pony buzzed over the trembling ground like a hexbug.

“Pinkie Pie, are you crazy!? Run!” Twilight shouted over the growing din.

“Whatever shall we do?” Rarity cried.

“Twilight!” I pointed at the cows. “Can’t you create a barrier around the town?”

“Are you crazy?” She looked at me with wide eyes. “I’ve never done a spell that big before! It’s not sustainable! They’d punch through it like a train through tissue paper!”

“Sheesh, but you’ve got some growing to do!” I bit my lip and muttered.

“We’ve gotta stop ‘em!” Rainbow Dash bared her teeth and prepared to tackle the stampede head-on.

“Everypony calm down! There is no need to panic.” Despite her meek appearance, Mayor Mare’s voice had a way of cutting through the noise without shouting.

“But Mayor,” Rarity objected, “What can we do? There isn’t any time!” The sound of the cows mooing filled the air and threatened to drown out the unicorn’s despair.

“Any moment, now AJ.” I whispered. Aside from Pinkie Pie, I was the only one that wasn’t running around like a chicken with its head cut off. However, I’d never experienced an earthquake before, growing up in Oregon and all, and the feeling of the earth churning beneath me was more than a little unsettling. My bones were rattling as if I were standing on a giant subwoofer.

“Look!” Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof at the charging cows. Sure enough, a small dust-covered pony was running up alongside the living flood.

“Whoo!” I pumped my fist in the air. Rainbow Dash cheered as well and cautious ponies began peeking out of their windows to see what would happen.

The tiny shapes of Applejack and her dog, Winona, were almost lost in the churning dust around the stampede. They flew over the ground, closing in on the cows at the front of the herd. Winona barked excitedly, reining in the mavericks while Applejack readied her lasso. I could hear her shouting commands to her dog, but the pounding hooves muddled her voice.

“Ohh…” Rarity wrung her hooves nervously. All of Ponyville was frozen, mesmerized by the orange pony’s bravery against the ever-advancing danger. My feet felt glued in place.

“Come on, little doggies! Turn!” There was a shrill whistle. “Winona, put ‘em up!” Applejack cast her rope. It hung in the air for an instant before snaring the lead cow around the neck. Immediately, the line went taught and the little pony dug her hooves into the dust, pulling with all her weight against the massive bovine.

Nopony realized that they were holding their breath.

“This is the best rodeo show I’ve ever seen!” Pinkie Pie produced a bag of popcorn and buried her muzzle in it.

“I know, right?” I grabbed a few kernels without taking my eyes off the action. Twilight Sparkle just shook her head at us.

“Gotcha!” Slowly, the lead cow succumbed to the rope, veering away from its crash course with Ponyville. With Applejacks calls and Winona’s yipping, the other bovines followed. The entire stampede changed direction like a thunderstorm in the wind.

The little pony continued pulling on the rope until the entire herd slowed to a walk, then stopped altogether. The cows were still breathing hard, but at least the thunder had stopped. Only after they were ready to talk did Applejack loosen her rope.

All around, a cheer rose into the air. Doors were flung open and the ponies poured out onto the streets, hollering and waving at Applejack. The orange pony wasn’t paying attention, however, she was speaking with the lead cow, nodding her head and smiling encouragingly. Finally, the bovines lumbered back towards their fields and Ponyville was safe once again.

“Yee haw! Ride ‘em cowpony!” Pinkie Pie was already reenacting the valiant Applejack. Even Mayor Mare, breathed a sigh of relief. Moments ago, she almost became the governor of a brand new pile of rubble, but thanks to Applejack, she was still a mayor of a town. She smiled and said,

“Applejack was just… just…”

“Appletastic!” There were times when one of Pinkie’s non-words fit just right. This wasn’t one of those times, but it was cute all the same.

“Exactly! We must do something to thank Applejack for single-hoofedly saving the town!” I folded my arms and said nothing, but I was just dying to say something like,

“Oh? Like how you did something to thank the M6 for single-hoofedly saving the world?” I looked back up towards the cows and the hill in the distance. The sun was just starting to sink behind it and Applejack paused at the summit to rear up and wave at the townsponies. Even Zoro would have approved her little flair of style.

Applejack was strong, but even if she could carry the day, she still couldn’t carry the weight of an entire orchard on her shoulders. That’s what this whole episode was about, after all. The other ponies saw her haloed by the fading sun as if she were a victor. I only saw her returning to that blasted orchard that would inevitably beat her down until there was nothing left. Even if it had to happen, I wanted to be there for her. Ease the blow to her pride as much as I could. She was one of my first real friends, after all.

“I know what we can do!” Pinkie Pie grinned. “A party!”

“Exactly! A commemoration.” Mayor Mare agreed. “To show our appreciation.” Twilight Sparkle immediately offered her help, followed closely by Rainbow Dash and even Fluttershy. Rarity would obviously help with the decorations, but before she too was pulled into the conversation, I caught her attention.

“That was pretty exciting.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“My, but it was!” The white unicorn smiled weakly. “I’m sorry that interrupted your order, Mark.”

“Seriously?” I grimaced. “I think an impending disaster is a perfectly acceptable reason to put a little job on hold. Though, I do have a request, if you’ve got a spare second.”

“Of course, darling!”

“Um…” I glanced back towards Sweet Apple Acres. “I think some sturdy work clothes should take priority over the casual attire. Pants and boots, at least. I’m probably going to find a new job in the next couple days and I want to be ready for anything.”

“Of course!” Rarity’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, dear, excuse me, it looks like the mayor wants to talk.” She excused herself and joined Pinkie’s party powwow. As for me, I looked back towards the setting sun. Applejack was out of sight, but I still muttered,

“Still worrying…”

Before I saw Applejack again, I had slept, made it through another day, slept again, made it through yet another day, slept (I like doing that), and was halfway through the third day. In all that time, nopony had seen hide or hair of the earth pony. I wasn’t even sure if she had slept at all.

Ponyville was all abuzz for the little ceremony they had arranged. A quick party cannon’s worth of streamers and a once-over by Rarity’s banners made the place look like they were ready for a second Summer Sun Celebration. The white unicorn even made an ornate covering to stretch over the stage, inspired by Applejack’s cutiemark.

“We all ready?” Twilight Sparkle asked. A quiet hum was filling the air as the townsponies began turning out to show their appreciation for the country mare.

“Just one last thing.” Rarity affixed her centerpiece on the town hall. “Now we’re ready!”

“This place looks pretty nice!” I nodded as I walked up beside Twilight.

“As it should. And as do you, Mark.” Rarity beamed at me. “Tell me, how do you like your new attire?”

I glanced down at myself. Rarity had outdone herself and then added a little of her own personal flair. The shirt I was wearing was light and perfectly fitted, skintight even, and even though the pants were trial-and-error (the plethora of adjustable belts attested to how unsure she was about them) they hung nicely and were easy to move in. The only thing I could complain about were the shoes, bulky and covered in straps, and obviously created by a creature that had never seen feet before.

All in all, I looked like I had walked straight out of Kingdom Hearts. Oddly enough, I was OK with that.

“Unique, but uniquely awesome.” I thanked her. “You really have an eye for this kind of thing. I would fit right in at Shibuya Tokyo.”

“Ohh! I’m so glad you like them! And I made you a little something extra just this morning!” The unicorn looked over to her saddle bags and revealed a pair of gloves. Well, more like fingerless gauntlets. “I wasn’t able to figure out the fingers, but I was hoping these will help you with whatever you decide to do here in Ponyville.”

“These are beautiful, thanks.” I slipped them on and flexed the new and stubborn fabric. “Now all I need is my keyblade and a couple nostalgic sidekicks.”

“Huh?” Twilight Sparkle tilted her head.

“You can be King Mickey.” I explained.

“Nevermind…” She shook her head and strode over to Rarity. “Is Applejack all set?”

“Actually, I haven’t seen her all week.” Rainbow dash alighted from a nearby tree.

“RD can be Donald...” I thought to myself.

“Not since the stampede!” Pinkie Pie bounced up, her flank still covered with streamers.

“… and she can be Goofy…” Seriously, I will be disappointed if this hasn’t already been done.

“But she’ll be here for sure.” Rainbow Dash affirmed. “Applejack is never late.” My tongue worked nervously behind my teeth as I glanced back at Sweet Apple Acres, but I held my peace.

Today was the day to confront Applejack about her stubbornness. By now, a part of her should be hoping for her friends to step forward and help. I just needed to exploit that to push this episode along. If all went well, RD wouldn’t smash into the Golden Oak Library’s balcony, the hospital wouldn’t be flooded with food-poisoned ponies and Fluttershy’s bunnies… well, they may yet eat everything in Ponyville, but not because they were chased there.

A crowd gathered in front of the town hall and Twilight Sparkle took the stand to say a few words. Of course, a ‘few words’ to her involved a giant pile of paper with more notes in them than an orchestra. Even without the guest of honor present, the speeches began and the various ponies were able to express their admiration for the humble earth pony and their plans with her in the future. Usually at the expense of Twilight Sparkle’s own speech, that is.

Most of the ponies that spoke about Applejack spoke of her with a quiet admiration. From her sincere honest nature to the way she carried a level head on her shoulders, the simple earth mare was the glue that held her friends together. That’s where my admiration for her came as well. I’ve heard at least one youtuber explain that she’s important to the show because she’s the one character whose job it is to provide a practical viewpoint in a world of magic talking horses. She’s the quiet foundation that the show can build upon while keeping a connection to their viewers.

Besides all that, though, I’m just a sucker for characters that display wisdom. I’ll freely admit, though, this episode wasn’t one of Applejack’s prouder moments.

“Anyone else?” Twilight looked around, just waiting for anypony to interrupt her. “No? Well then, as I was trying to say-” Mayor Mare caught her attention. With an exasperated grunt, the purple unicorn gave up the podium and violently released the spell holding her cards together.

“Ah-hem.” Mayor Mare gave a polite smile. “And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the prize, Pony of Ponyville Award, to our beloved guest of honor. A pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability and integrity. Ponyville’s most capable and dependable friend, Applejack!”

A small curtain at the back of the stage was pulled away, but, surprise, surprise, the guest of honor was absent. The crowd almost began cheering, too, but immediately fell into awkward silence.

“It’s the Summer Sun Celebration all over again!” I cried. A couple ponies threw disapproving glances in my direction. I just shrugged, “Couldn’t resist…”

“Not cool, Mark.” Rainbow Dash smacked the back of my head.

“Ah… Ahem…” The mayor looked around desperately to break the withering silence.

“Awkward…” Spike muttered. A ripple went through the crowd, a gentle muttering that got closer and closer. It took me way too long to realize that the muttering was actually Applejack.

“I’m here. I’m here.” The country mare wobbled a little on her hooves. “Sorry I’m late… I was just… whoa… Did I get your tail?...”

Without moving the rest of my head, my eyes followed Applejack as she wound her way through the crowd up to the podium. Her eyes were unfocused and her steps were wavering. She wore a line of grease and dust like a bandana on her forehead and her dirty mane clung to the back of her neck. Applejack even had a couple bushels of apples still strapped to her back as if she had forgotten they were there. The crowd had been quiet before. Now they were stunned into complete silence.

“Miss Mayor.” Applejack’s head swayed like a tree in the wind. “Thank you kindly for this here… award thingy.” A yawn. “It’s so bright and shiny and… heh, heh, heh… I sure do look funny, heh. Woo-ooo.” The orange mare laughed at the way her reflection was warped over the award’s golden surface. Twilight Sparkle glanced at me with concern plastered on her face. I simply shook my head in astonishment.

Lack of coordination, unfocused eyes, slow reflexes, inability to form a decent sentence, and now a fixation on shiny things. Applejack had either spent the last three days kicking apple trees, or drinking the reserve cider. Had this girl slept at all since the last time we’d talked?

“Okay… Well, thank you, Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and always being there for everypony.” Twilight Sparkle tried to interrupt AJ and Pinkie Pie as they played with their immages on the trophy. The orange pony released another giant yawn.

“Yeah… I like helping the ponyfolks and…” yet another yawn, “and stuff…”

For a moment, Applejack froze completely. Her head bobbed with her shallow breaths and her eyes fell shut. It’s a good thing horses can sleep standing up; any human in her position would have face-planted harder than a domino.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, thanks.” Applejack quickly came to and started exiting the stage. She dragged the Pony of Ponyville award with her mouth. Finally, I groaned to myself and stepped forward,

“Here. Let me get that for you.” I don’t even think she heard me.

“Mark? You look different. Haircut?” Her half-focused eyes looked up at me with as much surprise as they could muster. I glanced down at my new attire.

“You’re not technically wrong.” I gestured to my clean-shaven chin as I stooped and lifted the massive trophy.

“Aw, shucks, you don’t hafta do that.”

“No, it’s the least I could do for Ponyville’s P.o.P. Besides, I was heading to Sweet Apple Acres anyways. Twilight and I still needed to return your basket.”

“Oh…” Before the mare could come up with any objections, I started leading the way back to the orchard. I had the trophy wrapped firmly in one arm and the aforementioned basket in the other. As we left the crowd behind, I glanced back at Twilight Sparkle, still staring after us. I gave her a quick wink and kept walking.

Applejack and I continued for a while in silence. She plodded along at a steady pace, but her movements were functioning on autopilot and her hooves scuffed the road more than once. All around us, the terrain rose and fell like giant grassy waves, each hill covered in pregnant apple trees. It was obvious where Applejack had stopped her work to attend the ceremony; dozens of waiting bushels were sitting under the trees boughs. What the earth pony had harvested already was nothing short of astonishing, but the rows of trees that were already kicked bare were hopelessly outnumbered by the rest of the Sweet Apple Acres forest.

“I’m impressed.” I said, “For just working on your own, you’ve already moved a mountain of fruit.”

Applejack didn’t reply. She just kept putting one hoof in front of the other. (Or, as close to ‘in front’ as her stumbling pace could muster.) Just when I was about to change the subject, she came to,

“Huh? Did you say something?”

“I was just wondering how long you’ve been working alone. You look like you’ve been working hard.”

“Yeah…” She tried to form a thought. “But there’s plenty more needs doin’.”

“Exactly…” I grimaced. “But don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. When did you go to sleep last night?”

“Huh? Did you say something?”

“I asked what time you hit the hay last night.” Or whatever country term she would use.

“Ah... Ain’t no way I can afford to sleep now, Mark. Gotta keep goin’.”

“What?”

“If’n I slow down now, it’s only gonna be that much harder to pick up the pace again. Best to stay movin’.”

My knuckles turned white as I gripped the trophy.

“Don’t try talking fancy physics to me, girl. When Newton came up with that ‘objects-in-motion’ bit, I don’t think he was referring to you. You’re actually more efficient if you take the time to recharge.”

“Aww… that’s mighty sweet of ya, Mark. But you don’t need to worry ‘bout me. There’s not been an applebucking season yet ‘s gotten the better of me, ‘an this one’s gonna be no different.” She put on a brave face, but,

“There’s never been an applebucking season that you’ve tried to tackle solo, either.” I countered.

“I can do it. Just gonna take a mite longer is all.” She turned her eyes forward and nodded decidedly.

“Yeah, see, I don’t understand your train of thought. Why didn’t you hire more hooves to help pick up for Big Macintosh? Heck, you don’t even have to hire anypony, you have good friends who would love to help out. Isn’t that what friends are for? Times of trouble?”

Applejack had been floating in a fog as if everything I was saying was going in one ear and out the other, but as soon as I said ‘times of trouble’, she suddenly stiffened and her eyes focused dangerously.

“You sayin’ I can’t do this on my own?”

“Seriously, Applejack, I want you to think about this. Are you trying to complete this project on your own because you truly don’t need any help, or because you’ve decided that you don’t want it?” Trying to bring out that Element of Honesty.

“An’ if I said I can do what I say I’m gonna do, then why isn’t that good enough for ya?” The orange pony looked up at me suspiciously.

As I said before, I had a lot of respect and admiration for Applejack and I’m glad that if she needed any character development at all throughout the series, it would happen sooner than later, but that still didn’t change the fact that she was being a little pigheaded. It just didn’t seem to fit her character quite right and I wanted to find out why she was being so obstinate about this. Sure honor was a big thing to her, but pride? Really?

I was going to ask if there was something else about this whole thing that she wasn’t telling me about, but before I could speak, we were greeted by the sound of enthusiastic barking.

The red barn house of Sweet Apple Acres was as picturesque as a painting and as quaint as a dollhouse. Surrounded by its fields and white picket fence, it really didn’t look much different in reality than in the show. Winona was bounding down the dirt path from the front door like a jackrabbit, yipping excitedly.

“Well, who’s this pretty girl?” I knelt down and presented the back of my hand to properly introduce myself. However, Winona was the kind of overly trusting bundle of fur and tail wags that would roll over for a complete stranger if she thought she could coax out a belly rub. And that’s exactly what she did. She practically melted under my hand and began beating her leg like a piston as I scratched her tummy.

“Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres.” Applejack yawned. “This here’s my little deputy, Winona. I see you two’ve already hit it off.”

“Hm?” I sheepishly glanced up. “Well, I’ve got a puppy back home, so I like dogs."

“There’s my Granny Smith nappin’ on the front porch, an’ over there by the chicken coup’s my siblings, Apple Bloom and Big Macintosh. Don’t know what Big Mac’s doin’ out of bed, though.” Applejack put a little more power into her weary voice and shouted,

“Hey, Big Mac! Didn’t I tell ya to work on getting’ better?” The large red horse looked up in surprise.

“Eyeup!”

“He might be a mite stubborn as far as big brother’s go, but when they made him, they added a lot of inches and matched ‘im with a big heart. Even if they skimped on the talkin’ bits.”

“Stubborn?” I thought to myself. Perhaps thick skulls just run in the family.

“Hi Mr. Mark! Goll-y, Applejack, is that trophy yours?” A little filly with a bright red mane and a big pink bow ran up to us, her wide eyes fixed on the trophy.

“Hi, Apple Bloom. How did you know my name?” I asked.

“Mr. Mark? Well, everypony’s talking about you in school! Gee, you’re almost as big ‘s my brother! How fast can y’all run? Is it true you came out of the swamp? Do you eat paper?”

“Wanna race? Not at all. And I broke that habit a long time ago-”

“Somepony said you were a new kind of bug!”

I pointed at the filly and glanced back at Applejack.

“Has she been talking with Twilight?” But the orange mare wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes had hazed up again.

“…Huh?”

“Nothing. Let’s get your award inside.” I guided the sleepwalking AJ toward the barnlike house.

“Applejack said you came from the Everfree Forest, Mr. Mark. Did you live in a cave? Were you scared? Why don’t you walk on all fours? What did you do to your tail?...” Clearly, Apple Bloom was going to be the center of attention next time she was in school and she wanted as much gossip material as possible. Or she was legitimately curious. Either way, she popped off questions like corn in a hot pan as we came up to the front door.

“Why don’t you ask Applejack? She and I talked quite a bit after the whole ticket incident.”

“Yeah, but she’s been doin’ nothin’ but applebuckin’ since.” Apple Bloom pouted.

“Uh-huh…” I looked at Applejack out of the corner of my eye. “Doesn’t sound healthy.”

“Granny doesn’t think so either, so she’s been sleeping enough for the both of ‘em!” The little filly smiled. “Hey, Granny! Wake up! We gotta visitor!”

“Mwah? Whoosa?” The light green mare woke up from her nap with a jolt and a pop, like a model-T starting its engine. She lifted her baggy brows and squinted in the sunlight, but when she saw us coming towards her, her old face broke out in a kindly grin.

“Well, howdy, there! You must be that new gentleman, Marker, Applejack told us ‘bout.”

“No, Granny! It’s Mr. Mark!” Applebloom giggled.

“You can just call me Mark…” I explained.

“Well, youngin, I’m just gonna say thanks for remindin’ me that in all my years, there’s always something new to see. Pleased to make acquaintance with one of your kind.” Her nasal-y voice creaked like old door hinges as her weary eyes looked me up and down. “Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Youngin?” I blinked in surprise. I might have been a young adult as far as humans were concerned, but I suddenly realized that humans can live two, even three times as long as a horse. Without any way to measure the passage of years in this world, I could technically be older than Granny Smith. That was an awkward thought.

“Pleased to meet you too, ma’am.” I just smiled and nodded.

“Hey, Mark, do you wanna stay for brunch?” Apple Bloom hopped up onto the deck. “Big Macintosh’s been makin’ his famous flapjacks all day. And yesterday. And the day ‘fore that.”

“That sounds pretty good. I would love to join you folks.”

“Aww, what nice manners.” Granny Smith grinned.

“Applejack, do you want to take a quick load off?” I glanced behind me.

“Zzz… Zzz…”

“I’ll take that as a yes, then?”

“Poor dear’s done tuckered herself out.” Granny Smith sighed. “She’s got a strong heart’s for sure.”

“But she’s got a strong neck to match. I don’t like seeing her like this.” I explained.

“Big Macintosh challenged her to harvest the entire orchard on her own!” Apple Bloom explained, sisterly admiration tainting her voice.

“That’s not how I heard the tale. She challenged herself. Isn't that right, Big Mac?” All this time, the giant red horse had been standing silently in the background like a ponified Kellam.

“Nnope!” He shook his head.

“To our little Applejack, this is more personal then you might think, Mark.” Granny Smith explained.

“What’s to understand?” I shrugged. “She’s on more of a pride trip than a group of lions on route 66. She’d still be lugging this trophy here if I hadn’t insisted I help her.”

“Mm? Whazzat?” Applejack’s eyes snapped open, but it took a couple long seconds before they aligned properly.

“Lunch, AJ?” I changed the topic. “Did you want to eat something?”

“Ah’m not all that hungry, but I’ll take some with me…” Her eyes fluttered closed again. When she woke up, the orange mare turned around and ambled back towards the orchard without a second thought for lunch. The rest of the Apple family and I exchanged silent glances.

“I’ll take her meal to her.” I stated, ducking into the farmhouse and plopping the P.o.P. trophy in a corner.

“You’re not stayin’?” Apple Bloom frowned.

“Applejack’s my friend, and I came to help her. So that’s what I’m going to do.”

“Whazzat?” Granny Smith followed us inside, her head tilted critically.

“I might not be nearly as strong as AJ, but even a little help is better than nothing.” Apple Bloom helped me stack a layer of cold flapjacks in a hankerchief along with a couple pieces of fruit and a couple bottles of juice.

“Applejack said she wanted your help?” The little filly asked.

“Not directly.” I admitted.

“Then you’d best tread as lightly as a mouse in a room full ‘o sleepin’ cats.” Granny Smith warned. “Applejack holds these kinda things near an’ dear to her heart, an’ I don’t wanna watch either of you overstep yourselves.”

“Yeah, and I don’t get why she does that.” It was the weirdest thing; every couple episodes of the show, AJ seemed to drop her steady and dependable side and become overprotective and obstinate. I wanted to nip that tendency as soon as possible.

I thanked the Apples for lunch and hurried after Applejack. She was returning to the empty bushels we had passed before. I came up beside her just as she was bringing the apples she had carried to Ponyville and back to a nearby wagon.

“Hey, Applejack!”

“Hm? Hi, Mark… Did you get a new haircut?” My face went completely blank.

“You’re not technically wrong.”

“Well, what can I do ya for? Hm? Somethin’ smells good.”

“I brought your lunch from the farmhouse. Remember?” I held up the loaded handkerchief. Seriously, in her current state, Applejack had about as much recall as Dory from Finding Nemo.

“Well, thanks for that, Mark. ‘Course you’ve got your own errands to run, I’m sure.” She knelt and slid the bushels of fruit to the ground.

“Actually, I thought I’d volunteer to help out your harvest today.” I knelt to pick up a bushel.

“Wha?”

“It’s really no problem.” As I began to heft the over-sized bucket to the edge of the wagon, Applejack’s eyes suddenly became extremely clear.

“Now hold on one gosh-darn minute!” I hesitated. “Is this because you think I can’t do this on my own?”

“To be perfectly honest with you, yes.” The mare leaned back in surprise.

“Gosh, Mark, now I know we ain’t known each other for long, but ‘round here, when an Apple says they’re gonna do something, you can bet your bottom bit that they’re gonna follow through sure as daylight.”

“I don’t doubt your word, Applejack, I just think you’re misplacing it. Promises are made for things you know you can keep, not things outside your control.” The bushel lowered a little bit.

“Outside my- You don’t think I can harvest this whole orchard, do you?”

“I think we already established that a couple lines ago.”

“Mark, you put down those apples right now. I’m gonna show you just what an Apple means when she puts her word on something!”

“I refuse to accept that.” I lifted my chin slightly.

“Huh?”

“I refuse to make a liar out of you.” (That’s Discord’s job.) “You’re better than to convince yourself of something you know isn’t true. You need help and you know it. So, as your friend, isn’t it my job to step up and support you?” That was the sharpest I dared to make my words. I didn’t want to go any further, but upon review, I probably jabbed too hard anyways.

“Aren’t not a friend supposed to trust each other?” She jabbed right back. (My grammar isn’t that bad, honest. She was just sleepy.)

I didn’t wake up that morning thinking that I’d be staring down Applejack over a bushel of apples, but that’s the uncomfortable position I found myself in. I quickly initiated a verbal retreat before this became serious or even damaging to our still-young friendship.

“Fine…” With a grimace, I lowered the apples to the ground.

“I’m sorry, Mark, but this is something I gotta do on my own…” The orange mare turned away and began kicking trees with her powerful, if sluggish, kicks. I watched her go from one tree to the next and to the next, each time getting a little slower. Finally, she stopped completely, asleep on her hooves.

My eyes narrowed as I looked back and forth between Applejack and the bushel of apples between my feet. Swiftly and quietly, I snatched up the basket and dumped its contents into the wagon.

“Of course you do.” I whispered. “That’s why I’m doing it with you.” Like a shadow, I retreated further into the orchard.

For the rest of the day, I did whatever I could to help Applejack without her knowing. Sometimes, my help would take the form of spilled apples what seemed to pick themselves up, other times, it was as simple as a canteen of water that never ran dry. However, even though my friend was too sleepy to realize what was going on, my efforts were minimal and didn’t make a very big impact that first day.

The most I was able to do was when Twilight Sparkle came to visit the orchard. Applejack was busy singing the same song she already sang to me. No, she didn’t want help. No, she didn’t need help. Yes, this was something she gotta do on her own. Etc.

I took the opportunity to move a couple extra bushels to the far end of the orchard and began a losing battle with a bunch of fruit trees. Applebucking wasn’t as easy as it looked. Especially when you didn’t have a lifetime of practice under your belt and especially if you weren’t a pony. In fact, without a ladder, a wagon, or any earthy pony know-how, I was very much up a creek without a paddle.

Still, via sheer stubbornness (and a couple calluses) I had almost ten trees worth of apples plucked, packed, and stored in a little mound not far from Applejacks’ own stockpile.

“What happened to you?” Twilight Sparkle asked when I finally returned to the library.

“I, uh, was helping on Sweet Apple Acres,” I awkwardly avoided eye contact as I pulled a strand of crusty hair off my forehead.

“Wait, you were helping with applebuck season?” The unicorn looked up from her book in surprise. I held up a finger as I poured myself a large cup of water.

“Not exactly. Applejack won’t let me help her harvest.”

“Well, then, what were you doing?”

“I could lie and tell you that I was mucking the chicken coup all day,” I plopped onto the floor. “but I just don’t have the heart.”

“So those are apple leaves I see in your hair.”

“Hm?” I combed my raggedy mane and pulled out a small dry leaf. “Nice catch, Holmes.”

“Mark, I’m not sure helping Applejack against her will is a good idea.” Twilight cautioned.

“You too?”

“It’s disrespectful. And it will hurt her feelings when she finds out.” I retreated behind my cup for a moment before replying,

“To be honest, I think it’s disrespectful not to help her. She’s burnt herself out so that she can’t even word right, let alone see what I’m trying to do for her. As for her feelings, yes, she’s going to eventually find out, but I’m not too worried about how she’ll react. After all, when this is done, she’s going to see that we were right all along and she was acting silly. Besides, I already owe her; I stole some apples for food the first day I came to Ponyville.”

“Well, I’m sure she’d appreciate your honesty, but what you’re doing is the opposite of helpful.”

“Tell that to Rainbow Dash when you see her tomorrow.” I lifted my cup in a shallow salute and finished the conversation.

The next day dawned bright and early and I tackled it with gusto. Despite the fact that my official ‘hobbies’ back home involved writing, drawing, and watching anime, I found yard work to be fun. Sure, it was sweaty, but I got happy when working out. Throughout the morning, I shook tree branches, picked up apples and hauled them to my secret stash.

It was right when I was about to call it quits for lunch when I heard a low rumbling. At first, I thought Applejack was passing by with her wagon and a chill shot through me. But I quickly remembered that she had just left to help Rainbow Dash with her stunt practice and wouldn’t be back for a while. Instead, the rumbling noise was the sound of Big Macintosh dragging along the little apple stall that Applejack used to sell her goods in town.

“Howdy, Big Mac!” I waved and smiled. “What brings you here?”

“Thought you could use some lunch.” The large pony drawled. He reached behind him and revealed a carrot sandwich and a couple bottles of apple juice.

“Aw, now that’s just awesome.” My eyes lit up at the sight of the food. When I looked in the stall, I saw another lunch bundled up, presumably for Applejack. “How did you find me out here?”

“You were whistlin’.”

“Oh, yeah. I tend to do that when I’m doing yard work.”

“What tune?”

“Entropy by AwkwardMarina. The Sim Gretina remix, mind you. I like the tempo better.” I’m just glad it wasn’t ‘Raise This Barn’.

“Whelp! Good luck…” Big Macintosh snatched Applejack’s lunch out of the little wagon and began walking back across the orchard.

“Hey, wait!” I called after him. “Don’t you need the cart?”

“You need it more ‘n me.” He replied.

“Oh. Wheels… What a concept!” I looked back and forth between the bushels I’d been toting and the handy little cart. “Thanks, Big Mac.”

“You’re workin’ pretty hard for a stranger.” The red horse observed.

“Well, I just couldn’t sit still while Applejack’s out here breaking her legs on trees.” I explained. “She was kind enough to call me friend, and doesn’t treat me like a stranger, so I want to live up to that however I can. You understand why I’m out here, right?”

A shrug.

“Because everypony else seems tentative about helping AJ. I mean, I’ll admit that it seems like a no-win scenario: try your best to aid a friend even if they don’t want help, or live with yourself knowing that you could have made life easier on them, but didn’t. I just think this is the lesser of two evils.”

A shrug.

“Maybe I should try and convince more ponies to join me. I was kind of hoping they’d see what I was doing and come on their own. But, nopony yet…”

Big Macintosh tilted his head instead of shrugging. (Whoa! Crazy party horse over here!)

“Anyways, good talk.”

“Eyeup!”

I watched the large pony stride away over the grass, feeling very conflicted inside. I felt helpless and angry. If I were an earth pony, I’d be able to make so much more of a difference. If I were a pegasus, even, I’d be able to help AJ more. And if I were a unicorn! This job would be over already! But I wasn’t. I was just a human, and a solitary one at that. I had spent the last couple days trying to work hard enough to feel like I was making a difference, but who was I kidding?

Applejack didn’t even want my help and I was really doing nothing to ease the struggles she was going through this episode. Even volunteering to help the Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in AJ’s stead wouldn’t make a difference, it would only keep Applejack in the orchard with no escape.

I didn’t whistle after that. This conundrum was under my skin and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt bamboozled and stumped. However, my doubts were pushed aside when I saw AJ limping back from her day with Rainbow Dash. Apparently, she had strained a ligament from jumping off a certain ladder while helping a certain pegasus with a certain new trick.

I couldn’t do nothing.

If only I had done just that.

I worked closer than ever to Applejack the next day, hovering just outside her perception, looking for ways to keep her safe(er) and/or comfortable(er). She looked like a rag doll that had lost a caged match with a puppy. The orange pony was scratched, dirty, and every motion and kick threatened to twist her ankles. The micro-sleeps were keeping her alive, but were doing nothing for her brain. I watched her harvest apples from the same three trees. Twice.

Finally, she zombie-walked towards Ponyville to help Pinkie Pie run Sugarcube Corner. When the coast was clear, I crept forward and did whatever I could. I picked up stray apples, gathered dropped apples, cleaned half-harvested apple trees, and even replaced a broken bushel. Once again, Twilight Sparkle had been reluctant to join me without AJ’s consent, so it was just me and the little wagon out there.

I was feeling better, good actually. I was even whistling again while toting apple overflow from Applejack’s large apple bins back to her stockpile. Then, with a single word, the wind was knocked out of me as if a car had run me over,

“Mark?” Applejack asked from behind me.

I was petrified on the spot, frozen in the act of tossing a stray apple into the little wagon. As stiff as animatronics, I slowly turned to face the country pony. We stared at each other for a long second, my mind racing to find a way I could explain myself, justify myself, argue my point. But I couldn’t think of anything. On the bright side, however, I no longer had to worry about whether my ‘help’ was right or wrong. One look in those emerald eyes and I knew, I had made a terrible mistake.

“What are you doin’?” She demanded. It was a rhetorical question; my nonverbal communication couldn’t have been shouting louder even if I was in a life-or-death battle of charades.

“Applejack…”

“What are ya doin’ here?”

“While you were at Sugarcube Corner, I thought-”

“Thought what? That you’d sneak over here behind my back? That you’d pick up these apples even when I told ya not to!? What’s with you, Mark?”

“Me? What’s with you? No sane pony would kill themselves for the sake of a stupid challenge to harvest apples!”

“I told you not to help!” She snapped.

“Right now the hospital is filling up with food poisoned ponies because you thought ‘wheat germ’ was ‘earth worm’!” I argued. “Who does that?”

“This is important to me! And you completely disregarded that anyways!” As Applejack’s voise rose in volume, hot water began to accumulate in the corner of her eyes. “Who does that, huh? I thought you were a friend!” That cut pretty deeply. I retorted in kind,

“Of course I’m a friend! And friends help when you’re struggling! Why can’t you see that!? Wake up!”

“You lied to me! What kind of friend does that!? Does this make you my friend!?”

“I won’t let you kill yourself! I don’t care what I have to do to prove it to you! I’m not going to let you do this!”

“I made a promise!” She shouted, tears burning in her eyes. “You don’t get it! I don’t want your help! I never wanted your help! You can’t even help if you wanted to!”

“…What?” I blinked, stunned.

“Why are you even here? What did ya think you could do!? ‘Cause ya clearly can’t buck a tree! Can’t lift more ‘n one bushel at a time! Can’t even pull a full-size cart! What use are you!?”

“I…” Words failed me. I shut down.

“I… don’t want you here.” Applejack shivered like a leaf. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that emotional tendencies were just another symptom of sleep deprivation, but that didn’t matter to me right now. She had a point. A very sharp point.

“… Fine…” I stepped backwards before turning and plodding away.

I walked slowly, feeling cold and heavy inside. I didn’t even care where I was going. All I had wanted was to spare Applejack the drama that she was headed for. Ironic that I had hurt her so much more. You’ll remember that there weren’t any tears in the original episode, but now I had added that much more.

She had taken pride in her honor. I stomped on it.

She had made a promise. I undermined it.

She had put trust in me. I abused it.

I was just circling around Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse on my way to Ponyville when an old voice reached out from the porch and caught my attention,

“Now, what have we here? Looks like things didn’t go so well between you and our little Applejack.” Granny Smith called out from her rocking chair.

“Is it so obvious?” I sighed.

“These eyes might not be what they used to, but it ain’t hard to see a heavy heart.” The old pony winked.

“Yeah, Applejack found out I was trying to help her against her will.” I admitted.

“And you were surprised at her reaction?” Granny Smith lifted an eyebrow.

“You know, not really. I’m terrible, aren’t I?”

“Mmm…” The mare smiled like Yoda upon her rocking chair.

“You called it.” I held my hands open helplessly. “I shouldn’t have stuck my nose where it didn’t belong. Now I’ve got nothing to show for the past couple days but a sunburn, some sore muscles and a few choice words ringing between my ears.”

“The stove’s hot…” Granny Smith nodded knowingly.

“Pardon me?” I frowned.

“The stove’s hot, youngin.”

“I know what you said, but I don’t get it.”

“It’s what I used to tell Apple Bloom when she was just a tiny lil’ thing. She’d had the strangest fixation with the darned woodburnin’ stove. Maybe because it was warm. Maybe because of the pretty fire inside. Or maybe because little Applejack never let her get within a stone’s throw of it. Doesn’t matter…”

I listened politely, resting my arms limply on the porch railing, but I still couldn’t see how this was relevant. Hopefully, GS wasn’t having a senile moment on me.

“Anyway, what do you think happened the day Applejack wasn’t there?” The old mare got a faraway look in her eyes and she chuckled. “Nothing standing between Apple Bloom and the stove.”

“Wait, are you saying-”

“The first thing little Apple Bloom did was trot over to the simmerin’ stove and touch it.” Granny Smith cackled. “I warned her, I did, but nothin’ doin’. Oh, sure, she got burnt, left a little spot of hide stuck to the darn thing like a stamp! My, but she did cry. Poor Applejack, too. I’d never seen our little AJ look so scared ‘s when she heard her little sister wailin’ like the timberwolves.”

“I’ll bet she never made that mistake again.” I chuckled. Granny Smith’s story stopped abruptly and she fixed me with a quiet stare. I shifted awkwardly under her eyes. She just waited patiently until the moral sunk in.

“Oh…” I suddenly realized.

“She never made that mistake again.” The old mare nodded. “Even that mark on the stove remained long after her own burn healed to remind her. You’ll recall, youngin, I was there. I could ‘ve stopped little Apple Bloom from hurtin’ herself. So why didn’t I?”

“She had to learn that she stove was hot for herself.” My eyes drifted to the ground in thought. “There are some things that words alone can’t teach us.”

“Mmm hmm…”

“So, this orchard, is another stove. And Applejack….”

“Much as I hate to see my little darlin’ get burned, I love her enough to know when she needs a lesson…”

“I see…” My gaze suddenly shot back up to Granny Smith. “Hey! How come you let me interfere? If this whole fiasco was a part of your lesson for Applejack, how come you didn’t tell me not to try and help her?”

The old pony just gave that same knowing smile.

“Oh my gosh!” I stumbled back and threw my head back as if the idea had literally blown up in my face. “You’re saying I needed to learn that the stove was hot too!?”

“Y’re sweet for a youngin, but y’ve gotta bit of growin’ to do.” Granny Smith got out of her chair and strode across the deck with slow, deliberate strides.

“I’m not as young as you might think, ma’am.” I smiled.

“Y’re a youngin as long as you’re actin’ like one.” The old mare called over her shoulder. “But there’s hope for ya yet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta give the flour a stern talkin’ to.”

I stood rooted where I was, the heaviness gone from my chest, but now my mind was buzzing with new ideas.

First and foremost was: I’ll never underestimate a grandma again. They’ll surprise you if you don’t watch out. She was still sharp as a whip. (Even if she was currently in the kitchen scolding the baking ingredients.)

Next was: I had been going about this whole episode the wrong way from the beginning. I was so focused on the tree that I had completely missed the forest it was a part of. I was so preoccupied with Applejack’s temporary discomfort and trials that I had missed what this would do for her and her friends in the future. For that matter, I had been acting that way about everything since arriving in Equestria. I wanted to interfere, but if I did, it might ruin the lessons that the ponies had to go through in order to become the champions of friendship I knew and loved. (Not to mention, I would inadvertently deny Twilight Sparkle a lot of writing material for her letters to the princess.)

And finally: what do I do now? Applejack was still on the verge of falling to pieces and things were a little rocky between the two of us at the moment. The answer was a lot more obvious now that I was looking at the ‘forest’. I was simply going to be there to catch her when she fell.

The Apple family was already helping AJ as best as they could, so I merely offered to aid them around the farmhouse. Over the next couple days, Applebloom and Big Macintosh taught me the daily routines of taking care of the chickens, pigs, sheep and cows. I also kept in touch with the rest of the M6, asking if they could keep their schedules open for the upcoming days. It seemed as if they all shared my sympathies for Applejack and were more than willing to help her if and when she finally asked for it. (Perhaps I should have spoken with them first before my blunder.)

And sure enough, two days later, the cutest plague of bunnies you could imagine swept through Ponyville. They poured over the ground like a little trotting tide of tumbleweeds. Sure, they were terrified out of their minds, and sure, they were eating everything in sight, (including an attempt at my shoe buckles) but in the grand scheme of things, this event was hilarious.

After the plague, Twilight Sparkle asked if I would go with her to Sweet Apple Acres. Of course, I agreed, but hung back once we were within sight of Applejack herself. Here was the big finale of the episode and I felt that it would be better without me.

The orange pony was at the top of a hill, kicking down the last apples from the last tree from the last row on the last hill of… the first half of the orchard. From where I stood, I could hear Applejack and Twilight Sparkle talking, but I couldn’t make out their words. I didn’t need to, though. Big Macintosh walked up to the conversation, still bruised, but looking a lot better now that he had taken his bandages off. As soon as Applejack saw the remaining hills of apple trees (technically a few seconds after she saw them. Her brain wasn’t exactly working at full speed) she collapsed in front of Twilight.

I heard every note as the country pony fell to pieces. The last layer of pride she had left was stripped away and all that remained was a scared and broken girl. She had let down the last pony she could trust, the one that would never disappoint her, herself. And it hurt. She was emotionally and physically drained and all she could do in that moment was cry. Fortunately, Twilight was right there to provide a shoulder.

“Perfect…” I smiled to myself before turning and running back towards Ponyville. Applebucking season wasn’t over yet and we were going to need a lot more hooves to help finish the harvest. We would make sure this episode still had a happy ending.

Over the next couple days, Applejack was restricted to the farmhouse while the rest of her close friends and I finished harvesting the orchard. Rainbow Dash could knock the apples out of an entire row of trees in a fractured second. Fluttershy and Rarity and Fluttershy’s animal friends helped collect them off the ground and put them in bushels which Pinkie Pie and I then loaded onto carts and towed to the apple storage. Twilight was kind of amazing, too…

“See? After I resonate a good sample apple, I can isolate the aura wavelength that distinguishes it from the rest of the tree. After that, it’s simply a levitation spell for that particular parameter and,” The purple unicorn’s horn radiated with light and a small grove of apple trees gave up their fruit. The tiny red globes fell upwards through the branches like a flock of birds.

“You don’t know how much I want to be a unicorn right now.” I said, trying to keep my cheeks from burning green with envy. “That’s too cool.” Twilight smiled humbly.

“Well, you were the one who pointed out I need to practice more large-scale spells like this.”

“Me?”

“Remember, with the stampede?” Twilight Sparkle explained. “I’ve been reading up on larger spell parameters ever since.”

“Oh…” I nodded, surprised. “I had no idea you'd remember me saying anything. I thought you were just reading for fun.”

“But magic is fun!”

“… I can only imagine…” I turned away before she saw the daydream-y look in my eyes.

At long last, the job was finished. Applejack was back to herself, albeit a little more humble, and the orchard was all packed up. She and I hadn’t spoken since our argument and to be honest, I didn’t know how I would go about apologizing to her. While the rest of the ponies were behind the farmhouse celebrating the completion of the harvest, I excused myself to have a quiet moment with my thoughts. (That, and Spike was daring me to eat one of those ungodly muffins.)

With a bottle of apple juice in hand, I wandered between the shady rows of trees. Evening was waxing and the first twinkling stars were beginning to shine through the cool night air. I casually swung myself onto a low branch and watched as the sky deepened into a painting of orange and purple.

“Cheers.” I lifted my drink in a quiet salute to the first couple stars. I absentmindedly picked at a branch while my legs dangled beneath me.

“Mark?” Applejack came up behind me.

“Hey, Applejack.”

“What’re you doing out here?” She asked.

“Admiring the writers…” I explained.

“Huh?”

“It’s not a secret…” I sighed, absently swirling my juice bottle, “It never was a secret. Just you and your siblings and your grandma on this big farm all by yourselves? They never hid the fact that you don’t have parents anymore, but what’s remarkable to me is that I never realized what that meant for you personally. I didn’t actually understand for the longest time. Even when the internet was calling you ‘batmare’ every other post, I never stopped to wonder how your loss shaped you as a character.”

“Well, it ain’t easy…” Applejack tilted back her hat and scratched her mane.

“But you make it look easy.” I smiled down at her. “You ‘keep calm and carry on’ so well that it seems out of character for you when something ruffles your composure. You’re always so confident, that nopony asks what you’re afraid of. What makes you work so hard.”

The orange pony glanced back at the farmhouse.

“It’s all about your family.” I took a sip of my juice. “You tried to tell me. Granny Smith tried to tell me. Big Mac, well, I’m sure he’d try to tell me if he was more loquacious. This applebucking season wasn’t about apples at all. It was about you trying to prove to yourself that you can take care of your family in times of trouble.”

“Well, when you put it like that,”

“I do put it like that! Even when you came to the library, it's obvious now that you were still reeling from the news that Big Macintosh hurt himself. What if that board had hit his head? What if it had broken his spine? What if it had done more damage than it did? Could you still take care of your parent’s farm? Granny Smith? Apple Bloom? Could you do it on your own?” I glanced down at the mare. “You wanted to. More than anything, you were terrified by the idea of failing them. So you just had to prove it to yourself.”

“I was being prideful and lying to myself if that’s what your getting at. An’ I’ll admit that now.” Applejack sighed. I held up a stern finger. (She didn’t actually understand the gesture, but that’s beside the point.)

“Being truthful to yourself is the hardest lesson anyone can ever learn. However, you understand that more than anypony else. That’s why… I believe you represent the Element of Honesty.”

“I came out here to apologize to y’all for what I put ya through.” She said penitently.

“No! I’m the one who should be apologizing!” I glared at a nearby twig and plucked it from the tree. “I ignored your wishes, lied to you, snuck around behind your back. I didn’t even make a big difference in the long run, but it was the thought that counted. And I think it counted against me quite a bit.” I flicked the twig away and looked down at the mare. “I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry, Applejack.”

She stared thoughtfully at the little branch as it hit the grass. Finally, she looked up with a half-smile and said,

“Ya know, I found your apple stash behind the farmhouse the other day.”

“Ha! Pitiful compared to yours, I know.”

“There’s a reason we put them in the cellar. Keeps ‘em from continuing to ripen.”

“… Oh…”

“No harm done! Actually, you're stronger than you look. For just a couple days’ work, that was some fine harvestin’ you did.”

“You’re kidding.” I laughed to myself. She shook her head,

“Nope! Honest Apple!” Her freckles lifted in a warm smile. “An’ after today, you all have taught me that I don’t have to worry about failing my family any more. Even when I couldn’t see it at first, you were right. ‘Cept you used the term ‘friend’ instead of family, what you were sayin’ was what I needed to hear. Family watches out for each other, ‘an now I don’t hafta worry about being alone no more. ‘Cause y’all already are my family.”

My nose tickled as I looked down at Applejack and a little water started to squeeze out of the corner of my eye.

“Ugh! I need to get out of this tree. I think I got a little pollen in my eye.” I dropped out of the branch like a ripe apple. The country mare put her hoof on my shoulder.

“I get you, partner. Don’t know where all this darn pollen is comin’ from.” She smiled weakly. “An’ what you were sayin’ before was pretty insightful, too. You’re pretty perceptive for only meeting me last week.”

“Riiight… Has it only been a week?” I mused.

“I know what you mean. Feels like we’ve known each other longer, doesn’t it?”

You have no idea, Applejack.

“By the way, Mark, how’s that hunt for a job comin’ along?” We turned and started moseying back to the farmhouse.

“Wow. You sounded like my mother just then!” I laughed. Back home, I was ‘between jobs’ too. “To be honest, I’ve been so preoccupied with putting my nose in your business that I haven’t been looking.”

“Well, Sweet Apple Acres could still use ya, if’n you’re not sick an’ tired of apple trees yet.”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

“I’m serious!” She defended. “You’re a hard worker and now that applebucking season is over, there’s plenty needs doin’ before the next season’s fruit comes in.”

“Oh yeah?” I chuckled. “Like what?” In reply, Applejack stooped down and picked up a twig. The same one I had plucked from the tree just a moment ago.

“Now, what pony do you know who can prune a tree without thinkin’?” She smiled slyly. I stared at the twig as if I’d never seen one before.

“Pruning? I’d never thought of it.”

“We’ve got a lot of good soil, and the trees love it, but the quality of apples goes down if the trees' own branches start to choke themselves out. However, with your help, I think the next crop of apples will be even healthier than this one.” She winked at me.

Work on Sweet Apple Acres? The opportunity sounded too good to be true! I was barely able to keep my smile in check as I said,

“You know what? That sounds like an awesome idea. Thank you, Applejack.”

“’An thank you, partner.” She nodded.

Author's Note

My writer's cycle:
-Holy shiitake mushrooms! I can't write a chapter per episode! Look at all those writing prompts!
-Ok, I'll just start whittling away at this chapter and try to make it a short little fun story.
-Hey, I remember how much I like writing! I wonder where I can go with this.
-Now this is a moral near and dear to my heart. I have to finish it.
-Wow. It took a while, but I really enjoyed telling this story.
-Now I'll just look at the list of episodes for ideas for the next chapter.
-Begin again at step one...

I'm more than a little discouraged, readers. There's so much I want to do, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get around to it all. This chapter, at least Granny Smith's moral, is going to help Mark speed the story along by being "hands off" for some episodes, but I can't decide what episodes to do next. I want at least one good one for each of the M6 and perhaps some more that a brony simply can't resist writing about. But I need your help. What chapters are vital? Which ones move the story on the most? Still enjoying the story?

No pressure, though. I just hope you're having as much fun as I am. Thanks for reading!
-MasterZadok "Mark"

Ch 5: Who Ya Gonna Call?

Chapter 5
Who Ya Gonna Call?

The most beautiful element of an adventure is how scary it is. I couldn’t imagine having any fun in my life if there were no surprises, no things to go wrong, no choices to screw up. That’s probably why the first time playing through a video game is always the most magical, you don’t know what’s going to happen next. (Sidenote: I’ve played TLOZ: Twilight Princess through 2 ½ times and it’s still pretty magical.) But the point is, life rarely provides you with clear-cut right-or-wrong answers.

To any sane person, that should be terrifying. To me, I just get a stupid grin on my face and picture an image of Bilbo Baggins shouting, ‘I’m going on an adventure!’ whenever life throws me a curve ball.

All that to say, I mistakenly thought I was settling into my new life quite nicely.

Life in Ponyville was an everyday reminder that it was the little things every day that made it really worth living. Even if I didn’t consider them friends right off the bat, everypony was ready and willing to be my next neighborly acquaintance. The summer was hot, but not scalding like the desert back home, there weren’t any alien germs that hit me, and so far, I hadn’t experienced any vitamin deficiencies from my new diet. I even had a job of sorts, tending Sweet Apple Acres, and a little income to call my own. Life was stabilizing, by any typical human’s perspective.

Well, as stable as life in a fairy tale land could be. There were plenty of things that were different. For example, the cows might live on Applejack’s land, but they milked themselves and owned the largest share in the dairy business. Also, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had the distinct impression that the days were shorter than on Earth. However, with no timepiece of my own, there was no way to be conclusive about this. And last, and most bizarre, were the musical numbers. It was almost impossible to tell when one started, but within moments, a street of complete strangers could be singing and dancing in flawless harmony only to go back to their usual duties once the music stopped. The first time I experienced this phenomena, I didn’t even know anything was happening until I found myself climbing down from a patio table. It was only then that I realized Pinkie Pie was vanishing down the street with Minuette under her foreleg, singing a song that I thought I had come up with myself. Weird.

But that’s a rabbit trail! As I was saying, life was stabilizing. I even had a chance to practice what Granny Smith had taught me a week or so after ‘Applebucking Season’. A certain griffon, swollen with her own sense of superiority and more arrogant than a peacock, came to visit Rainbow Dash. I wisely decided not to intervene, even though nothing gets my blood running quite as hot as the sight of a bully. (And I almost flipped my spit when Gilda made Fluttershy cry.) In the end however, Rainbow Dash still came out of the episode having made the right decision.

I will say, though, that she was a little under the weather (figuratively and literally) for the next few days after that. Apparently, what the episode had neglected to show was the aftermath of Gilda’s visit and how heavily that matter weighed on Rainbow’s heart. I didn’t know much about Rainbow Dash’s history with Gilda, but I knew that the pegasus wasn’t a pony who built her fabled loyalty carelessly. After mentioning my concerns to Applejack, the honorable earth pony and I decided to spend more time with our friend.

And that’s just what we were doing on that fateful day.

“You’ll get it! Just watch closely, y’all!” With a flourish of her blond mane, Applejack swung back the length of rope in her mouth, paused for a breathless instant and released all her energy in one swift motion. Her lasso cut through the air like a swallow, closing the distance to its target. With a flick of her neck, the orange mare pulled the knot closed like a bear trap, clamping down on a low-hanging apple and deftly plucking it from its tree. The fruit fell into Applejack’s waiting mouth. “Shee? It’sh aww in da tim-ming.” She muttered around her prize.

Rainbow Dash and I looked at each other with wide eyes and long faces.

“Oh, yeah. It makes perfect sense now.” I rolled my eyes. Rainbow Dash giggled behind her hoof.

“Aw, come on, Mark! Just give it a try, an’ I promise I won’t laugh.” Applejack encouraged. The three of us were sitting just outside of a restaurant in downtown Ponyville, digesting our recent meals and enjoying some merciful cloud cover outside.

“Alright, deal.” I took the rope and balanced it in my hand. “Prepare ta witness ‘Pecos Mark’! Nimbles’t rope this side o’ the Cascades!” I swung the line over my head, trying to mimic Buggs Bunny or even While-E Coyote. Unfortunately, even though my childhood cartoons usually taught me useful things like classical music and ‘don’t play with guns’, they couldn’t teach me how to throw a lasso. With as much flourish as a flaccid rubber chicken, I threw the rope.

It wobbled in the air like a drunk flying saucer before collapsing to the ground like a pile of seaweed.

“That’s… uh… Mighty impressive, Pecos Mark.” Applejack almost broke her face trying not to laugh. Rainbow Dash didn’t even try to keep it in,

“Hahaha! Maybe if you used your mouth instead! Haha!” The cyan pegasus fell out of the sky, cradling her splitting sides. I tried a couple more times, each throw getting closer to a nearby apple tree, but not nearly reaching the targets therein.

“What? You think you can do better?” I cocked an eyebrow at the laughing pile of hooves and feathers.

“Is that a challenge!?” She quickly righted herself.

“Show me what you got!” I handed her the lasso.

“She probably ain’t never seen a rope ‘fore she came to Ponyville.” Applejack taunted.

“That’s because we pegasi do things differently.” RD bit the end of the rope and grinned mischievously, “Watch and be jelous!” She hovered off the ground, dangling the loop of rope below her. As AJ and I watched, the pegasus flew up to the nearest tree branch and began trying to fish for an apple.

“Oh, now would you look at that.” I nodded in mock somberness.

“Eyeup!” AJ did the same.

“She looks like one of those claw games at the arcade.”

“Eyeup!” The orange mare almost snorted with laughter.

“… Stupid…” Rainbow Dash’s cheeks blushed angrily. Her plan wasn’t going very well. Not only were all the branches getting in her way, but there was no way for her to open the lasso once she got it to the fruit. The best part, however, was that her pride wouldn’t let her back down.

“And she’s just about as effective, too.” I continued nodding.

“Eyeup…” Applejack squinted her eyes, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

“Somehow, I don’t feel green yet. You green yet?” I looked down at my friend. She had buried her face in her hat and a muffled, gasping laughter was coming from her.

“N-nnope!”

“Darn it!” Rainbow Dash was losing a fight with an inanimate object.

“Hey, Rainbow?” I called out, “It was truly a game of whit worthy of Holmes and Moriarty, but I think the tree’s outsmarted you…”

“There!” With a final jolt, the pegasus pulled on her rope. There was a loud snap and an entire branch broke off the trunk, dangling beneath Rainbow Dash.

“Mighty impressive, Rainbow.” Applejack kept her hat over her mouth as she grinned. “Now if only that branch had apples in it.”

“What!? Augh!” The pegasus dropped the tree branch like a fisherman discarding a boot.

“You’ll forgive us if we just stick to the classic methods of apple harvesting.” I snickered while retrieving the lasso.

“Hmph! Well, I might not be able to harvest apples, but bet you can’t harvest rainbows like I can!” Rainbow Dash huffed angrily.

“Whoa, there, missy…” Applejack finally straightened her hat back on her head. “This was never meant to poke fun of who can and can’t do somethin’.”

“Right. Ease up, Rainbow. It’s just a good laugh.” I explained. “Otherwise, we’d be here all day running circles with ‘anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better’ nonsense.”

“Sure. For example, I’m never going to know what it’s like to sleep on a cloud.” Applejack mused.

“And I’m never going to know what it’s like to fly.” I said.

“Yeah, so a flying competition would be pretty pointless.” Rainbow Dash admitted.

“We’ve all got our special talents.” Applejack said decidedly. “An’ that’s what makes friendship special.” (Out of habit, I checked my mental files to see if this dialogue was a part of an episode. It seemed rather moral-heavy for casual conversation, but I found nothing.) I just muttered,

“Make sure you remember that next time you’re doing an Iron Pony competition…”

“So, Mark, what do you do?” Rainbow Dash perked up, suddenly curious.

“Huh?”

“Earth ponies got their muscle, pegasi got their wings and weather, and unicorns got their magic,”

“…It’s a little more complex than that, Rainbow…” AJ mumbled.

“So what do humans have?” The cyan pegasus looked at me expectantly. I just shrugged. This was something that had been sitting at the back of my mind, too. In fingered the lasso as I thought.

“Well, that’s really the question, isn’t it? Humans aren’t built to be the strongest, they’re built to be the tallest. They’re not designed for a wide range of environments, but they seem to do well enough anywhere. No claws, no fangs, no poison, no tail, and no fur to speak of. No wings and no magic, either. But I can’t downplay them too much…” I began swinging the rope in lazy circles. “Because they seem to be very good at one thing. An elusive thing, but powerful nonetheless…” I swung my arm forward and released the rope.

It wobbled loosely up into the tree until I snapped it tight with a flick of my wrist. The lasso shrunk, missing the apple I had been aiming for, but closing around the branch it was on. The tree spit out leaves like a confetti cannon as I pulled the rope back. The apple was squeezed off the tree like ketchup out of a packet and rolled towards my foot. I stepped on it victoriously and smiled,

“We can adapt to anything.”

“… Still not as cool as flying…” Rainbow Dash glowered at the apple.

It was about that time that all three of us noticed that everypony passing by on the streets was walking in the same direction. They were all headed towards the town hall and chattering excitedly to each other.

“Is somethin’ going on?” Applejack asked.

“Looks like they’re all headed for the center of town.” Rainbow Dash lifted herself above the rooftops for a better look.

“A gathering, maybe?” I asked. “A meeting? Potluck?”

“Mark, you just ate!” AJ snorted.

“A salad. I’m still hungry.”

“Come on! Let’s see what’s up!” Dash dashed down the street while AJ and I followed on foot.

A crowd of ponies was gathering in the center of town like a mob of black Friday shoppers outside Wall Mart. They were all whispering and directed their attention to an inconspicuous wagon parked there. Applejack, Rainbow Dash and I made our way to the front of the crowd and waited.

Realization dawned on me like a nuclear bomb on the horizon, and it left me tingling like one, too. I didn’t need to see the posters on the side of the little wagon, didn’t need to eavesdrop on the excited whispering around me, and didn’t even need to smell the nearby tubes of fireworks to know what was going on. Even before the sky above us mysteriously darkened like a theater and the commanding voice boomed out over the crowd, I knew,

“COME ONE, COME ALL! COME AND WITNESS THE AMAZING MAGIC OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!!”

The little cart tumbled open like a transformer, converting into a broad stage complete with fanfare and dark blue curtains. Fireworks sprouted on mechanical arms and vomited light and fire into the sky. The crowd ooh’d right on cue.

In the midst of the stage, stepping out of a cloud of smoke as if she were waltzing out of thin air was Trixie Lulamoon in all her attention-commanding glory. Her deep purple cape rippled subtly as her gleaming eyes swept over her audience and a light smile played on her lips. Suddenly, and without a hair out of place, she reared back and her voice sounded through the air like thunder, (probably with the aid of magic)

“WATCH IN AWE AS THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE PERFORMS THE MOST SPECTACULAR FEATS OF MAGIC EVER WITNESSED BY PONY EYES!” A fresh burst of fireworks rose behind her like a tidal wave, wreathing the unicorn’s body in glittering sheets of light. From where I stood, the smoke and fire looked like wings.

“My, my, my! What boasting!” A flowery voice quipped from beside me. I hadn’t even noticed that Rarity, Spike and Twilight Sparkle had come up behind me.

Trixie flowed seamlessly on from her introduction. With a flourish of her cape, she bowed to the audience, only to have dozens of doves rise up from under the crowd’s hooves in the next instant. Surprised and excited, everypony began applauding. Next, Trixie caught one on the birds on her foreleg and without even the slightest hint of magic, caused it to vanish, replaced by a bouquet of flowers. The applause grew.

“Come on,” Spike grunted, standing angrily in front of the stage, “nopony’s as magical as Twi-” He suddenly realized Rarity was looking at him. The little dragon’s words faltered and he dashed off, muttering something about a mustache.

“There’s nothing wrong with being talented, is there?” Twilight Sparkle asked cautiously. I smiled slyly, half listening to my friends and half watching the magic act. Trixie cuddled the flowers and they evaporated into a shower of pure-white petals.

“Nothin’ at all,” Applejack’s brow furrowed, “’cep’n when someone goes around showin’ it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.”

“Guys!” I shushed, “It’s just an act. Why not just enjoy the show?”

“But she’s going about it all wrong, darling.” Rarity lifted her nose. “Just become one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us.”

“Especially when ya got me around being better than the rest of us.” Everyone glanced at Rainbow Dash disapprovingly and she deflated a little. Now that I think of it, she was probably still stinging from the whole ‘apple fishing’ thing. She quickly collected herself, “Eh, I mean, yeah, uh, magic shmagic. Boo!”

It doesn’t matter if she meant for it to or not, Rainbow Dash’s voice carried just far enough to interrupt the show. Trixie froze halfway through releasing a frog from inside an egg. With as much poise as an icicle and as steadily as a glacier, she locked her eyes on Rainbow Dash and sighed,

“Well, well, well,” Half her mouth lifted in a grim smile, “it seems we have some neighsayers in the audience! Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do they not know that they’re in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?” Her delivery was spot-on, moving from chilly and haunting, to confident as a mountain. And the way her voice rose in strength without a hint of doubt, I almost found myself believing her self-assurance to be well-founded. Almost.

Rarity wasn’t buying it, though,

“Pshaw! Just who does she think she is?”

“Yeah!” Spike popped up again, “Since we all know that Twilight here is-”

“Spike! Shhh!” Twilight tried to quietly scold the little dragon. I wanted to listen to their conversation, but the purple unicorn quietly pushed Spike to the back of the crowd to talk. I knew it was good dialogue, though. This was one of Twilight’s best episodes, in my opinion.

Trixie stomped her hoof and a wave of sparklers washed above the crowd, threatening to singe the tops of their ears. Her challenge was issued, her eyes still locked on Rainbow Dash. Of course, the pegasus wasn’t backing down,

“So, ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’, what makes you think you’re so awesome, anyway?” Rainbow leapt right up onto Trixie’s stage and hovered there, staring accusingly. Unflinching, the blue unicorn lowered her voice,

“Heh. Why, only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded… URSA MAJOR!!” She reared up on her hind hooves and splayed her cape. A neon light engulfed her for a moment before rising into the darkening sky and exploding into a canvas of simmering threads of light. The boom of fireworks coincided with the moment the light took the shape of a giant bear, making the image sound like it was roaring.

“Now that’s a little better than the show.” I smiled to myself. The audience was enjoying it, too, gasping breathlessly. Somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard the grating voice of Snips say something.

“When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington had no one to turn to,” Trixie narrated with all the confidence of a Morgan Freeman Visa commercial. “but the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in, and with her awesome magic, vanquished the ursa major and sent it back to its cave… deep within the Everfree Forest!” The twisting neon lights above the stage played out just as she said, with a lone unicorn wizard standing between the jaws of the monster and the ponies of the audience. With a radiant beam of light, the ‘ursa major’ shattered and the spell was released, exploding and raining glitter upon the crowd.

Thunderous applause ensued.

“That settles it.” Somepony on the other side of the stage declared. I had a sinking feeling I knew who it was.

“Trixie truly is the most talented, the most magical, the most awesome unicorn in Ponyville!” A sleepy-voiced yellow unicorn declared.

“No,” His short blue friend corrected, “in all of Equestria!”

Coming from anypony else, those words might have been high praise, but Snails and Snips? Their voices were just so darn annoying! I just let the issue roll off my back. If they wanted to jump to foolish, uneducated conclusions, that was their right. They may be idiots for it, but it really didn’t matter to me if they were wrong or not. I simply smiled inside.

Spike, however, still had his hackles up,

“How do you know? You didn’t see it! And besides, Twi-” The little guy couldn’t keep his mouth zipped, so Twilight did it for him. “Mmph! M-mmph!”

“It’s true, my enthusiastic little admirers.” Trixie looked down at Snips and Snails with a mixture of pity and pride. “Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!” She paused just long enough for the crowd to digest her declaration, turning it from a boast into a challenge, “Don’t believe the Great and Powerful Trixie?... Heh heh. Well, then, I hereby challenge you, Ponyvillians; anything you can do, I can do better!” She smirked, “Any takers? Anyone?... Hm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived!?”

She posed and the stage lit up with radiant white light, making the blue unicorn appear larger than life above her stage. Her prideful words were slithering their way into everypony’s ears. Some recoiled nervously, some waited cautiously to see what would happen next, and others felt a competitive fire ignite in their bellies. Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Spike were definitely members of the third group. Very much so, Spike,

“Plu-hu-hu-hease! She’s unbearable!” He begged at Twilight’s hooves. “Ya gotta show her! Ya just gotta!”

“Cheese and rice, Spike, calm down.” I looked down reassuringly at him. “It’s just an act, after all. Let Trixie have her fun.”

“But if Twilight just used-”

“There’s no way I’m going to use my magic now, Spike.” Twilight Sparkle whispered, embarrassment plastered on her face. “Especially since-”

“Hmm… How about you!” Perhaps we should have been a little more discreet. Spike’s whimpering and Twilight’s nervous glances attracted the attention of glory-thirsty Trixie like seagulls to a plate of French fries. Twilight froze like a deer in the headlights; an apt description since a half-dozen stage lights turned their bright gaze on the purple unicorn.

“Well, how about it? Hm? Is there anything you can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can’t?”

“I… I…” Twilight stuttered.

“… Can single-hoofedly stop a changeling army?” I pursed my lips and thought to myself. “Can repair a dam while the river’s still flowing through it?” Or how about, “Can stop an ursa minor without a single violent spell”?

“Well, little hayseed?” Trixie’s attention, and her stage lights, whirled around on Applejack. The earth pony had a scowl as hard and cold as iron. When the country mare put her hoof down, I could feel the shock wave in my feet,

“That’s it! I can’t stand for no more of this!” Applejack nabbed her rope and leapt up onto the stage.

“You show her, AJ!” Spike cheered.

“Can your magical powers do this?” With no further ado, the earth pony jumped right into her award-winning rodeo dance. Flicking her tail with strength and expert timing, she transformed her lasso into a hemp halo, expanding it and bringing it to orbit around her. She skipped through it while the crowd cheered. As a final flourish, she sent her rope shooting through the air and into a nearby apple tree. Of course, when it came back, the lasso had a single glassy apple firmly in its clutches.

“Top that, missy!” Applejack curtsied with both pairs of legs confidently. The crowd cheered for the Prized Pony of Ponyville, but Trixie was far from impressed.

“Oh ye of little talent. Watch and be amazed at the magic of Trixie!” She doffed her giant blue hat and let her horn shine with pale magic light. Her own personal rope erupted from a jar beside the stage, rising into the air like ivy vines, twisting and writhing in a hypnotizing weave that was barely comprehensible. Applejack took one nervous step back… right into Trixie’s waiting snare. Before the earth pony’s hat even hit the ground, AJ was tumbled, twisted and trussed up like a turkey.

“It seems I can lasso more than just apples.” Trixie sneered. The crowd blossomed into laughter, smiles, and hearty cheers. I don’t even think the blue unicorn knew how punny her own joke was. “Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails.”

The fire in Rainbow Dash’s belly couldn’t be contained any longer,

“There’s no need to go struttin’ around and showin’ off like that!” The cyan pegasus came within mere inches of Trixie’s muzzle.

“Oh?” The unicorn invited her next challenger.

“That’s my job!” Rainbow Dash puffed her chest out as if she were impersonating Black ★ Star. (Ohmygosh! I just got the best idea for a crossover!)

As fast as thought, the pegasus lanced up into the cloud-freckled sky and pierced a couple small cumulus. I laughed and shook my head, hating how much I was loving this show. On the one hand, my friends were being humiliated, but on the other, it was all in good fun. They were the ones who accepted Trixie’s challenge, after all.

I can’t go into too much detail for Rainbow Dash’s trick, mostly because I’m not entirely sure how it worked. Something about creating a wake behind her, dragging along pure water droplets and then shattering them into a fine mist on the back of her wings. Whatever the case, she proved that you don’t need a ‘pegasus device’ to produce a fine little rainbow. She stood, proudly wreathed in an arch of distilled sunlight.

“They don’t call me ‘Rainbow’ and ‘Dash’ for nothing’!” She fawned.

The crowd was thoroughly enjoying themselves. Almost enough so that a flash of jealousy passed over Trixie’s face. She quickly brushed it away,

“When Trixie is through, the only thing they’ll call you is ‘loser’!” The air around Rainbow dash bent, causing her rainbow to change shape. A miniature tornado sprung up around the pegasus and her water droplets, seizing her in a windy grip before hurling her off the stage and planting her firmly in the dirt. Eventually, Rainbow Dash’s body stopped spinning, but her eyes continued to twirl like a pinwheel for a minute or so and she almost lost her lunch.

“Seems like anypony with a dash of good sense would think twice before tussling with the Great Trixie.” For a little sendoff, Trixie conjured a churning storm cell above Rainbow Dash and dropped a simmering lightning bolt on her flank.

“Ow!” Dashie’s voice could go pretty high sometimes, but never rubber-ducky-high like that. Everypony laughed like they were supposed to, and even though hearing my friend squeal was hilarious, I kept myself from joining them.

“Ok, the lightning bolt was a little unnecessary.” I shot a hard glance at Trixie. She was wearing a self-satisfied grin and her chest swelled just a little bit more.

“What we need is another unicorn to challenge her.” Spike explained, “Someone with some magic of her own.”

“Yeah! A unicorn to show this unicorn who’s boss.” Rainbow Dash was still rubbing her flank.

“A real unicorn-to-unicorn tussle.” Applejack agreed.

“Epic. Like Gandalf versus Sauromon epic. Or Obi wan versus Anakin epic. Or even Goku versus Vegeta!” I chimed in. The greatest rivalry in the history of the show was about to be born, (if the amount of fan art between the two ponies is any indication) and even though they technically wouldn’t go horn-to-horn until ‘Magic Duel’, I could feel my brony’s heart beginning to beat faster. In fact, I was getting so into the moment that I almost forgot that Rarity was also a candidate.

“Enough! Enough all of you. I take your hint, but Rarity is above such nonsense.” The porcelain-white unicorn sniffed and held her chin aloft to emphasize the point. She hadn’t enjoyed one moment of this show since it began and now her irritation had come to a head. “Dash and Applejack may behave like ruffians, but Rarity conducts herself with beauty and grace.”

“Mark has a question.” I raised my hand tentatively. “Mark wants to know if Rarity knows that Rarity’s talking in the third person too. Mark wonders if Trixie’s style of speech is contagious.”

“Oooo, what’s the matter?” The showpony leveled her eyes and her stage lights on Rarity. “Afraid you’ll get a hair out of place in that rat’s next you call a mane?”

Trixie knew how to get under a pony’s skin, but Rarity never had thick skin to begin with.

“Oh… It. Is. On!” The white unicorn lowered her eyelids in the same way a bull lowers its horns. “You may think you’re tough with all of your so-called powers, but there’s more to magic than your brutish ways. A unicorn needs to be more than just muscle. A unicorn… needs to have style!”

So that’s how a unicorn preaching poise and self-discipline could be suckered into Trixie’s show. Rarity saw magic as an art, as inspiration incarnate, as nothing short of the manifestation of the beauty of one’s soul. To see a unicorn like Trixie not only waste that gift on parlor tricks, but to abuse it in the name of self-glory was to see a pony smear the very thing that Rarity took pride in.

She caught up Trixie’s stage curtains in her magic aura and put all her craft and skill into this one moment. The fabric rent, stretched and fused in a whirling display that could only be described as the lovechild of a hurricane and a transmutation spell. When she finished, her flank was draped in a brand new dress.

“A unicorn is not a unicorn without grace and beauty.” Rarity posed and used those stage lights to her advantage.

Trixie looked down her muzzle at the dress, and then looked up to the gaping hole where her curtains had been, then back to Rarity. Her lips didn’t even curl into their usual, confident, grin as she prepared her counter spell. She had called Rarity’s mane a rat’s nest, and now everypony else would too. There was a flash of light and a sulphuric smell.

“Quick! I need a mirror! Get me a mirror!” So much for composure. Rarity fell into a frenzy, “What did she do to my hair? I know she did something terrible to my hair!”

“Nothing.”

“It’s fine…”

“It’s gorgeous.”

“She… breathed new life into it?” Quite literally. I don’t know where Trixie got the rats, but I didn’t remember those from the show.

“It’s green.” Spike’s mouth fell open.

“Ugh! No! Green hair! Not green hair!” Exeunt Rarity, stage left, “Such an awful, awful color!” The white unicorn dashed through the crowd, wailing like an ambulance and unintentionally insulting a small percentage of the ponies there. The rest of us were left staring after her, wondering how the color could be more dismaying than the fact that her slimy mane literally had a family of vermin living in it.

My previous excitement must have been wearing out, because I didn’t find Rarity’s predicament entertaining at all.

“Well, Twilight, guess it’s up to you.” Spike gestured at the stage. “Come on. Show her what you’re made of.”

I surreptitiously watched the hushed conversation with bated breath. This exchange, right here, showed me how great of a show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic really was.

“What do you mean? I’m nothing special.” Twilight shrunk down with her ears folded back against her head.

“Yes, you are! You’re better than her!”

“I’m not better than anyone.”

Trixie’s ears, however, were as sharp as razors,

“Ha! You think you’re better than the Great and Powerful Trixie? You think you have more magical talent? Well, come on, show Trixie what you’ve got! Show us all!”

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I kept my mouth tightly shut. Everything made sense now. Trixie’s special show was designed to be interrupted; it was designed to draw in unsuspecting members of the audience, it was designed to poke fun at others and challenge them only to trap them in the magician’s malicious game. It made for a brilliant hook for the audience and kept the performance fresh, but at the cost of numerous pony’s dignity.

Even I finally felt a twinge of competitiveness pluck at my heart. I wanted to challenge Trixie to a piano performance, or a game of cat-in-the-cradle, or even a thumb war, anything to prove that her power was limited and she should be more humble. But, with a slow, controlled sigh, I reminded myself that I would be playing right into the magician’s hooves. No, the only right answer to this kind of boasting was the one Twilight gave, and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. (Not to mention that Trixie would probably make the piano eat me if I went through with it.)

“Who, me? I’m just your run-of-the-mill citizen of Ponyville. No powerful magic here. I, uh… I think I hear my laundry calling. Sorry, gotta go.” And before anyone could even ask what laundry the little nudist could possibly be referring to, Twilight Sparkle turned and galloped away through the crowd, leaving Spike staring after her. The little dragon looked shocked and more than a little betrayed.

“Twilight…?”

“Ha! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself to be the most amazing unicorn in all of Equestria!” She let her cape billow behind her and returned her hat to her head. With a coy smile at the audience, she chuckled, “Huh! Was there ever any doubt?”

“Yeahhh… I’m done.” The show had finally lost its appeal and I could only take so much Trixie in one sitting. She was a lot of fun as a mildly-antagonistic character, but I’d leave her to her audience and her legion of internet fans for the time being. Besides, there was a certain little pony that I had to congratulate. I left the stage behind me as I turned and made my way out of the crowd.

The expression on my face was soft and content as I sauntered into the Golden Oak Library. At first, Twilight Sparkle didn’t even notice my arrival. The purple pony was trotting alongside her bookshelves, perusing the numerous items in her collection and snatching up random literature in her magic. A gentle smile of satisfaction tugged at the corners of my mouth as I watched her work.

That moment back at Trixie’s show was nothing short of magical to me. It was my second ‘brony’ moment, the one when I finally believed this show was something more than just a ‘kid’s show’. All my life, I’d been raised on a steady diet of stereotypes and character archetypes. They seemed to run through every show like a thread runs through every bead on a necklace, to the point where almost every ‘kid’s show’ is boring and predictable because nothing. Ever. changes. The ‘anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better’ scenario was a prime example; any lesser show would have had the protagonist accept the challenger’s taunt and the rest of the episode would be devoted to endless one-upmanship. Finally, the episode would only reach a conclusion when both competitors, having brought ruin, (or near-ruin) to themselves and everyone around them, would be forced to agree to a truce.

But MLP:FIM dared to be different. It dared to ask why adults couldn’t enjoy a good show as well. It dared to ask why kids had to settle for mediocre story telling. (Ironic that Disney himself asked those same questions so long ago and had revolutionized the world of entertainment.) And now this little pony, a talking purple unicorn in a fairy land designed for little girls, had done something more human and more real than a thousand ‘lesser’ stories: she had dared to walk away from the braggart.

I laughed to myself under my breath, but even that little gesture was enough to break the silence. Twilight turned around, surprised,

“Oh, hi, Mark. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“No horseshoes, remember?”

“Oh, right. Well, was there something you wanted?” She quickly put her selected books on a low table.

“Actually, yes.” I stepped forward. “I wanted to tell you how proud I was for what you did just now. You did the right thing by not stooping to Trixie’s level.”

“Well, that’s nice of you to say, but I don’t know if really was the right thing.” Twilight groaned and looked back at her books.

“I mean it. Humility is the mark of a true master. That’s what master Shifu said, anyways.” I stopped over by a large white checklist set up on an easel; probably her list of spells from earlier in the episode. “And if you don’t mind me saying so, you have a lot to be proud of.”

“Oh… You saw that.” Twilight Sparkle came up beside me and looked at the list, momentarily forgetting that I couldn’t read a single word of it. “Twenty-five secondary schools of magic…”

“And counting.” I reminded her.

“But that doesn’t make me too different, does it?” The pony looked up at me nervously. I shot a confused glance down towards her. Then I remembered. Here I was, going on about Twilight’s maturity and humility when that was the last thing on her mind right now. She was worried about being seen as a braggart herself. (Still good points towards her character, but from a different angle.)

“Seriously? You’re asking me?”

“Huh?” She blinked.

“One, I’m a human. I’m very different. Two, what’s wrong with being different? Where I’m from, finding what makes you special is how you learn to love yourself. That is, if Disney’s taught me anything. And Pixar, now that I think of it. Oh, yeah, they’re one and the same now…”

“I just don’t want my magic or lack of magic to get in the way of my friendship with the others.” Twilight fretted. I put my hand on her shoulder.

“Now, what kind of a shallow friendship is that?” I smiled softly. “What kind of a friendship only looks at you skin-deep? Isn’t there a saying, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’?”

“I befriended you, didn’t I?” She said pointedly.

“Touché. The point is, your friends have gone beyond the cover. They’ve opened your pages and they like what they’ve found.”

“But what if they don’t like certain chapters?” The unicorn looked worried again.

“Would you rather they didn’t read at all? Isn’t the magic of friendship the ability to finally share your story with someone else? To finally combine tales and write your future adventures together with them?”

“Hold on. You lost me there.”

“I’m just saying, is it really friendship if you don’t let anyone further in?” As if I had any right to talk! I held the deepest, darkest secrets of anypony on the planet and I had the audacity to lecture the Princess of Friendship herself on friendship? Not to mention, I don’t think I’ve ever let someone get close enough to really and truly befriend me. Back on Earth, I was an idealist, in love with the idea of friendship, but unable to live it for myself.

“That’s what has me worried. You saw how they reacted to Trixie. They didn’t like her magic.”

“No, they didn’t like how she was using it. Small or great, it’s our choices, Twilight, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Twilight Sparkle and Dumbledore would probably make an awesome team.

“Perhaps. Thanks, Mark.” The unicorn trotted back to her books. She called over her shoulder, “But Trixie’s magic was still pretty impressive.”

“Prestidigitation.” I waved my hand, smiling at the fact that I was finally able to use that word. “An illusion. Back home, we would call such parlor entertainment ‘sleight-of-hand’, but that’s obviously not the case here. Granted, it was very entertaining at first. Did you notice how her hat covered her horn for the first half of the show? I’m certain she was trying to hide her horn’s light so she could cast spells without anypony knowing.”

“But later, she took it off because she wanted the audience to see clearly when she was humiliating Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity.” Twilight agreed.

“Precisely!” I hovered over Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder. She was flipping through a grey book with illustrations of unicorns and diagrams of magic graphs. “What’s that?”

“I’m trying to clarify the difference between a summoning spell and a conjuring spell. You know, to understand her act.”

“Like when she made the flowers appear versus when she formed the lightning cell?”

“That’s exactly right. Do you know a lot about magic, Mark?”

“I’ve seen Chris Angel’s stuff on TV, but I don’t think that’s what you mean.”

“Huh?”

“Prestidigitation, sure, but not what you’re talking about. There isn’t any magic where I come from.”

Even from behind her, I could see that twilightsparkle.exe had encountered a problem. Her ears twitched backwards as if to catch what I said again. Her head turned ever so slightly, stopped, and then fixed me in her confused gaze. Her eyes were as glazed as a computer’s blue screen.

“What did you say?”

“Well, there’s the magic of nostalgia, the magic of art, the magic of being with family... I’m pretty convinced that music is magic, too, judging by the way it sends eargasms running down my spine. But if you’re talking about telekinesis? Force fields? Curses? Enchantments? Any paranormal effects on the physical world?” I shook my head. “They simply don’t exist where I’m from.”

“That wouldn’t work.” She shook her head. “Magic is in everything. No, and if that were the case, then you wouldn’t know about those things. You’ve already given yourself away, Mark.” My face remained stoic.

“They’re all reserved to the realm of fiction. If I know anything about magic, it’s only the myths and legends I’ve read in fairy tales and… (My Little Pony)… other stories…”

“Your land has no magic?” Comprehension came slowly to little computer-for-brains.

“As a wasteland has no water.” I nodded.

“Coming to a place like this must have been quite a shock.” The unicorn gestured around her. “Everything has magic. The celestial realm is turned by it, the weather is guided by it, even the earth pulses with it. How can your home live without it? Equestria should be really bizarre to you, but you seem to have adjusted pretty well.”

I frowned thoughtfully. She made a good point, so why was I so comfortable here?

“Just because magic doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” My explanation fell flat on its face, judging by the way Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. “Dragons are a prime example. There is no creature or family of creatures that remotely resembles the great drakes where I’m from, but if you ask any child on the street what a dragon is, they could tell you. Magic exists in the minds of everyone, even if not in the physical world.

Of course, most people leave it at that. They say magic belongs to the realm of childhood fantasies and has no place in a logical, physics-driven society like my own. However, I make it a point to live every day knowing in my heart that I don’t know everything. Perhaps it’s that little bit of flexibility to the reality I live in that helps me adapt. Helps me see the world as a living, changing thing. And helps give a little bit of credibility, a little bit of ‘what if?’ to every work of fiction.”

I looked at Twilight earnestly, but I don’t think my words were making any sense. I simply said, “Perhaps, deep down, I always knew magic was real… just locked away somewhere. And there are a few humans like myself, who know that the world they can see isn’t all there is, that there’s something veiled just behind the curtain.”

“… So… You really know nothing about magic?”

I shook my head. We stared at each other for a minute. She continued to study my face as if trying to decipher if I was teasing her or not, but I didn’t back down. Suddenly, her face broke into a mellow grin,

“Then, would you like to learn?”

“Abso-posi-tivi-friggin-lutely!” The width of my grin could have shamed a jack-o-lantern. She smiled back.

“So, what do you already know?”

“Umm… Abra Cadabra, Expecto Patronum, Din’s fire, You Shallnot Pass, and Thoron.”

“Was any part of that serious?”

“Not really, no.”

“Ok…” Twilight searched the air above her head as if organizing a constellation of imaginary flash cards. “This sure takes me back. I can hardly remember when I was in magic kindergarten.”

“Well, let’s start with something even more basic than that,” I offered, sitting on the edge of a table, “What is magic?”

“Well, magic, by classical definitions, is the projection of a caster’s will upon their environment.” I nodded, turning that over in my head. It was a pretty vague definition.

“And how is that different from technology?” I thought back to Earth. “There are a lot of inventions that can grant handy, powerful, even frightening, abilities to their wielder. What makes magic different?”

“Magic is an ethereal force, bridging the realm of the mind with the realm of the physical world.” Twilight paced the floor as she settled into her lecture voice.

“And a unicorn’s horn is that bridge?”

“That part of my lesson isn’t until magic middle school.” The pony waved a dismissive hoof. “It is for this reason, that magic is commonly seen as a projection of one’s inspiration. You’ll notice that most unicorns who never actually attended school only seem to use their magic as it is tailored to their own special talents such as singing or baking. Funny, I was just talking with Spike about this topic this morning.”

“Funny coincidence…” I rolled my eyes. Their gaze eventually rested on Twilight’s list of spells. “So, when you said you had mastered 25 spells,”

“No. 25 types of magic.” The unicorn corrected. “Over 25 magic professions, from tailor, to barber, to musician, there isn’t one yet I haven’t been able to comprehend. Spike especially loves barber.”

“That’s a rare gift…” I smiled knowingly at the little prodigy. Instead of taking it as a compliment, she immediately retreated behind her mental barrier. The episode wasn’t over and she had yet to learn the difference between accepting praise graciously and simple bragging. I changed the subject,

“Is magic physics-based? Like, lifting a golf ball close to you would be easier than lifting one a hundred feet away?

“Well, that really depends on the school of magic and what algorithm you’re using…”

“Do you have a limited amount of magic strength, like MP, or is it like the ‘force’ where the only limit is your own comprehension?”

“Again, it depends. Magic obviously wears out the user, but it’s not a physical exhaustion and a difficult spell can be made easier simply by practice and technique… And by what algorithm you’re using.”

“What’s easier to lift, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers?”

“Ha! Trick question! They’re both a pound!” Twilight Sparkle jabbed a hoof at me, smiling. But then, she began to split hairs again, “However, a wind spell could lift the feathers but couldn’t lift the lead.”

I chuckled, but my voice became strangely grave when a thought struck me. It was bizarre, alien, even insane that I was thinking this, but the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them,

“Could a human learn magic?”

“Oh! Now there’s a good question.” The unicorn searched the air above her again. “Just because you grew up in a place without magic wouldn’t keep you from learning it now, but there’s also your physiology to take into account… I wonder…”

“Like, could an earth pony use magic if they had the proper training?” I leaned forward, my eyes filling with hope.

“You know, Mark, I really don’t know. We’d have to know more about you as a species. We’d have to find out if you could have used magic all along, but never knew how, or if you’re simply not built for it.”

“I don’t know... It seems to me that a land of eagles would have stumbled upon the secret of flight, even if they had grown up believing they were chickens.” That was a gloomy thought, but it was immediately burned away by the excitement flaring up in my chest. That was Earth, this was Equestria. Twilight said it herself, this land pulsed with magic, so who’s to say I couldn’t coax it out of myself? At the very least, shouldn’t I be able to wield the magic around me? I was shivering with enthusiasm.

“This would be a real breakthrough for your species.” The pony turned back towards her book shelves.

“A breakthrough? Twilight, it would be a dream come true! In the most literal sense of the term!” I walked over to her desk and looked at the pages she had open. “Medicine, technology, religion, (I omitted warfare and pornography) magic would be the key we need to finally spread our wings…” My words drifted into silence. On a personal note, magic would also be the verification of what I had always known and held close to my heart; that the mundane world I grew up in wasn’t all there was.

“Now I’m curious!” Twilight illuminated her horn and slipped a couple new books off of their shelves. As she laid them over top the ones she had already been looking at, my eyes caught a glimpse of a zoology book. There, on the yellow paper, was a crude sketch of an ursa major and an accompanying description. My pupils dilated.

“Not today!” I yelped, whipping my hand forward like a rapier to keep the ursa from being buried. Twilight started and jumped back as if I had thrown a spider at her.

“What’s wrong?” She looked up at me.

“I… Just realized that I had something to finish before the day was out… Back on the farm…” I sucked in my lips like a Discord-ed Applejerk and casually pulled the zoology book out from under the new pile. “You were already in the middle of something, and I don’t want to distract you from that. You finish up what you were doing and we can talk tomorrow.” I even tapped the book to subtly emphasize my point.

“You’re leaving? Now?”

“Don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to get started! It’s just that now’s a bad time.”

“It doesn’t work like that!” Twilight stomped a hoof as I threw one last grin at her and headed for the door. “You can’t just turn off curiosity!”

“Talk to you later, Twi!” Without turning around, I waved and ducked outside. Once I had safely left the inquisitive unicorn behind me and checked my surroundings to make sure there was nopony within earshot, I clapped my hands together and blew a long sigh,

“So… ‘Boast Busters’, huh? Letsee…” I looked at the panorama of Ponyville around me. “A beautiful display of Twilight’s character. I really liked this episode. But things are about to get pretty hairy around here if Snips and Snails get their way. An ursa rampage. Well, not even a rampage, and not even an ursa major. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound too dangerous now, does it, Mark?” I chuckled dryly to myself, but it was a hollow sound.

I mentally ran through the major points of the episode as I walked down the street. This evening, a grumpy ursa minor would be lead directly into town like Pooh Bear chasing a honey pot. I remembered plenty of roaring, and one scene where the monster was biting the roof off a house, but aside from that, the only things that got really beat-up were some trees and Trixie’s wagon. Of course, Twilight Sparkle was the one to save the day, first lulling the creature into calm, then pacifying it with a makeshift bottle and finally floating it back to its cave. Nabbed, bagged and tagged.

“But that’s in the show.” I reminded myself. “I’m not exactly in the show, am I?” I attempted to look for plot elements that I might manipulate to make the episode safer or easier, but try as I might, I couldn’t think of any way I could (or should) intervene. Sure, I expected the actual rampage to be scarier than when I watched it behind the safety of a computer screen, but there still shouldn’t be any mass devastation. I thought to myself,

“Perhaps I could try to help make Twilight Sparkle’s job easier, I. E. by asking the cows not to milk themselves before that evening. Or I could learn a lullaby on the flute. I could warn Rainbow Dash not to attack the creature. Perhaps I should stop by Fluttershy’s place and see if she has any tips. Or, I could even empty the water tower now so that it would be easier to levitate later.”

I glanced sideways over to where the city’s large metal container sat above the cottage roofs. All it would take is one solid kick against the water tower’s drain, and the little purple unicorn wouldn’t have to empty it herself.

“The stove is hot.” I muttered, bringing a hand up to my chest and pushing it away Cadence-style. (Don’t laugh, it works for me.) In the end, I came to the conclusion that anything I did would not only make little to no difference, (remember, this is Twilight Sparkle we’re talking about, the girl whose own magic ability is actually greater than her capacity to control it. Kinda like Ichigo from Bleach.) but if anypony found out what I was doing, it would raise a lot of uncomfortable questions. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of a ‘You knew the ursa was coming?’ or, ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ or even a, ‘How did you know that would work?’

I didn’t want to deal with those questions. At least, not yet anyway. It was still too early for me to reveal who I really was. Where I had actually come from. What I really knew about this world.

No, the only thing I could do at that point was force myself to relax and wait for night to come. Turns out it was a lot easier said than done. I don’t know what that salad had in it, but it sure felt like butterflies were rising up in my stomach as the sun fell, the air cooled, and the stars winked into existence. I sat on a lush hill, absently fiddling with a strand of grass as I watched and waited to see the greatest magic show Ponyville had ever witnessed.

Perhaps it was also the anticipation of seeing Twilight’s power in action that had me excited. I had an acute malady called ‘insatiable curiosity’, but, without access to Google, my ability to appease my wandering mind had been severely stifled. And the crazy and wonderful possibility of one day being able to use magic for myself sent a shiver of excitement running down my skin. I couldn’t wait to meet with her after this episode.

My daydreaming was suddenly interrupted by a sharp sound, like the crack of lightning, drifting over the valley. I leapt four feet in the air and landed awkwardly on my feet as I peered towards the Everfree forest. There was another crack, and a tall tree fell over, swallowed into the forest by its neighbors. Something was pushing through the vegetation like a buffalo through the plains and, judging by the accompanying bellows, it seemed clear that this episode’s climax had just woke up.

For a moment, I thought I might as well have stayed home and just spent the evening watching Jurassic Park. Snips and Snails came barreling out of the tree line, hollering and yelling frantically. Behind them, the trees were falling like wheat before a thresher, bowled over by a titanic creature. When it finally shed the last canopy of cover, I got my first good look at the ursa minor.

Even at the shoulder, it was taller than most of the two-story buildings of Ponyville. Its smoke-blue hide rippled like a summer night, strewn with stars as if the entire creature was one giant hole in space. Its pillar-like limbs reduced mighty tree trunks to toothpicks and a long kinked tail flowed in the air behind it. But what struck me most were the eyes, set like a pair of orange harvest moons above its sturdy jaws.

When I first heard the creature coming, my immediate reaction was to get closer to the action, but when I actually saw the look on the ursa’s face, I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. It didn’t look enraged, it looked worse. It looked curious and confused. A weight, like an anchor, began to settle in my stomach, squishing all the butterflies. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The way the ursa moved was somehow off.

The yellow and blue shapes of Snails and Snips charged right into the heart of Ponyville and the ursa obediently followed. It swept its massive head back and forth, taking in the sudden change of landscape, its eyes wide and its jaws held at the ready. It growled, a low and threatening noise, as it approached the first street. A new sound hissed through the night and it took me a moment to realize that the creature was sniffing. My breath froze in my lungs as the massive blue shape lumbered up to the first building in Ponyville. The ursa minor paused, growled nervously, and then promptly split the building open like a pack of cookies. Screams filled the night.

I don’t remember the moment I decided to run towards the scene, but when I came to my senses, I was flying over the grass as quickly as my legs could carry me. A cold sweat anointing my forehead and my throat ran dry. Even after seeing the ursa for only a minute, I knew; I had made a grave mistake.

There was only thing that could be more dangerous than a giant bear. And that was a giant baby bear. An adult, you see, has life experience; it knows its place in the world, its territory, its strengths, its limits, and what is or is not a threat to it. A cub, on the other hand, has none of that. Everything this creature was experiencing right now was new to it. It didn’t know if it should fear ponies, ignore them, or attack them. It didn’t know if it was supposed to leave the town alone, pillage it, or raze it. It didn’t know why these odd containers with windows and doors were stocked with grains, vegetables and dairy. To this ursa minor right now, the houses were merely giant jars filled with food. And it was tearing into them like Link in a pottery shop.

On that day, I received a grim reminder: I lived in fear of life’s unpredictability. Granny Smith had cautioned me that there were some times when it was best not to intervene, but that was where I made my mistake. When it comes to pony’s personal problems, there are some things I shouldn’t try to fix. But when it comes to life-and-death situations, I should have intervened immediately. Now it was too late.

I threw more power into my legs as a giant blue paw gutted the inside of a house with one stroke. Ponies and their belongings were sent sprawling onto the street like dice. Most picked themselves up and ran like the wind. Others could only limp away.

“This is my fault!” The thought burned in the back of my mind like a hot coal. “I might have seen this coming! I should have done something about this! I could have warned them!” My mind raced as I approached the destruction. I still had no idea what I would do. I still had no idea what I could do. I was only a human, without strength agility or magic, charging pell-mell towards a giant blue bear. I had no idea if I should run to fetch Twilight Sparkle, coax Trixie to distract the monster, or try and help drag the injured ponies to safety. All I knew was that I had to do something, anything, to limit the damage I had already caused.

By the time I got into town, the ursa had gutted four houses, pulled down a dozen trees, and was in the process of lifting the roof off a shop. I skid to a halt at the head of the street. Smashed stoves and fallen lanterns had lit sporadic fires in the destruction, casting the scene in a cruel twilight. At the far end of the street was the town hall and, as I squinted, the ruins of Trixie’s wagon. So, that ruled out asking the showmare for help.

At that moment, the creature was preoccupied with something on the ground. It was cautiously tapping it with its paw, sliding it over the cobblestones like a cat batting around a jingle ball. I could feel my face grow cold and pale when I heard the shape scream. It was Lily Valley, one of the town’s florists.

My body moved on its own, certainly without consulting my brain first. I snatched up two splintered planks of wood from one of the ruined houses and charged at the ursa. I hollered, loudly clapping my makeshift weapons above my head. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, the ‘Attack on Titan’ theme song began to play. It wasn’t a comforting tune.

“Hey! Hey!” I tried to muster all my puberty into my voice, bellowing as loud as I could. The yellow eyes looked up from the prone pony, locking me in their glowing glare. I hesitated next to the sputtering remains of a shattered lantern. “Over here!”

“Ro-o-o-o-w-l-l-l…” The ursa’s maw appeared in its blue face like a Cheshire cat’s grin.

“That’s right! Over here!” I clapped my debris once more and then paused, waiting to see what the monster would do. Our eyes locked, each trying to read what was going on in the other’s mind.

“G-r-r-r-r-r-r…” The air throbbed with its reply. It slunk forward, temporarily forgetting Lily. At least I could consider that a small victory.

“Come on… That’s right…” My voice lowered, softening, relaxing. I couldn’t attack this thing like Trixie did, that would only tick it off. I had to get it away from town, lure it away from the civilians until Twilight Sparkle could arrive. Suddenly, the impression I had before about Jurassic Park manifested into a half-decent idea. I trust one of my planks through the lantern at my feet and lifted it above me. Burning oil dripped off its saturated wick, but the sight of fire seemed to have the desired effect. The blue bear paused, unsure if it wanted to get closer to the light or farther away.

“That’s right, Blueberry. This way…” I floated the lantern to my left. The eyes followed. I brought it to my right. The giant head turned in suit. Sniffing curiously, the ursa took another step forward, almost crushing Lily Valley as its bulk passed over her like a storm cloud.

It came within paw’s length and reached for me inquisitively.

“Not quite…” I sidestepped the gesture.

“Hmph!” The Blueberry snorted indignantly.

“No, no… I’m not teasing you…” I cooed softly, but my heart was hammering in its cage like a woodpecker breaking out of prison. “Just come this way…”

The creators of Titanfall said they based their gameplay off a grand balance between cat-and-mouse. I loved that game, and played hours of it, but toying with a two-story-tall cat felt completely different in reality than in a game. As I walked backwards down the street, the ursa’s rippling shoulders and twitching lips were a constant reminder that the only reason I wasn’t mincemeat yet was because he didn’t know what I was or what I tasted like. I was on a knife’s edge between being a curiosity, and simply being squashed. I sidestepped another curious paw.

I had made it three quarters of the way back down the street. My plan was to guide it back towards the outskirts of town, ideally bring it over towards the water tower and the dairy farm, but I knew that would be asking a lot. Already, fate wasn’t sure if this would be a good point to end my story or not.

“Hey, Mark! Up here!” A line of rainbow light streaked into the sky behind the ursa’s head.

“Rainbow?”

“Hang on, I’m commin’!”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare attack it! You can’t do anything to it but make it angrier!” I hollered. Unfortunately, my shouting seemed to break the creature out of the lull I had coaxed it into. It growled again.

“Like you’re one to talk!” Rainbow Dash’s voice was laced with concern. “What about you?”

“Just get everypony else to safety! Get them out of the damaged buildings! Get Fluttershy! She’ll know what to-”

Whap!

A paw lanced out of nowhere, striking me across my entire right side and sending me tumbling across the street. It was barely a love tap by ursa standards, but with the way my hearing immediately died and my head grew fuzzy, I didn’t even realize I was sprawled flat on my back until I saw the night sky in front of me. I blinked furiously to clear my head. It was only then that I realized that the stars I saw also had eyes and a nose.

“Gmmph!” A cloud of hot steam washed over me as the ursa got its first proper sniff of a human. My muscles went rigid and my breathing came in shivers. I didn’t know if I should try to run or try and play dead or even if either option would make a difference. I was just a powerless human at the mercy of a colossal cub.

Before the star-strewn bear decided my fate, something in the wind changed. There was a distant ringing sound and a feeling of vertigo rose up in my stomach. At first, I thought the paw had hit me harder than I first thought, but when my head lolled over to see the source of the ringing, I couldn’t mistake the feeling of energy thickening the air. Twilight Sparkle stood only a couple houses behind the ursa, her hooves braced against the stony ground and her horn radiating like the aurora borealis.

Her magic sang through the night, tickling the atmosphere and weaving a ghostly melody. I could feel the pain of the ursa’s blow wash away from my limbs as a deep relaxation entered my ears. The ursa felt it, too, pulling its nose away from me and purring contentedly.

Twilight took a deep breath and flexed her true magic, dipping ever so slightly into her hidden potential. The aura coming off her horn billowed like fire and then ignited into a full-on inferno. Her mane drifted upwards and small rocks around her hooves began to levitate. In the distance, I could hear the squawk of metal being torn apart as the old water tower surrendered its reservoir.

All of Ponyville seemed to bask in static electricity as the purple unicorn leveled her power at the ursa and scooped it off its paws and cradled it in the air. It mumbled uneasily until a giant metal bottle, now filled with fresh hot milk, settled between its paws. With sweat dripping from under her forelocks, Twilight Sparkle began trotting down the road towards the Everfree Forest, holding the ursa minor aloft like some kind of balloon in the Macy’s Day Parade.

I grunted and hauled myself to my feet.

“Mark! Are you ok?” Rainbow Dash landed heavily behind me, her eyes wide with anxiety.

“Grab some clouds and see if you can keep these fires from spreading.” Was all I said. I locked my hollow gaze on the retreating shape of Twilight and stumbled after her, stooping only to snatch up my lantern.

“But where are you going? Are you sure you should be moving? Hey!”

I didn’t hear her. I didn’t even feel the single massive bruise threatening to freeze my right leg. The chill in my heart was far more acute than anything my body could feel. I felt nothing but guilt for the scars Ponyville had endured that night. But for now, all I could do was follow Twilight into the Everfree.

She said nothing as I came up alongside her, her teeth clamped together from the effort of her spell. We walked in silence for over half an hour, with only the constant ringing of her magic to fill the air. I didn’t know if I wanted to apologize to her, if I wanted to show my support, or if I just wanted to see this episode to the end, all I knew was that I needed to be by her side. Occasionally, I dabbed the sweat off her forehead with a handkerchief, but that was the only comfort I could bring her. I cursed my powerlessness for the thousandth time.

It was impossible know how long Snips and Snails had wandered, searching for the ursa’s cave, but it wasn’t too hard to follow their return journey. Split tree trunks, torn up soil and uprooted boulders made a clear path through the forest as if we were tracking a convoy of Abrams tanks.

Finally, our path terminated at a craggy indent at the base of a mountain. There, a large cave was nestled and it was there that Twilight delivered her precious cargo. She levitated the pacified ursa as far into the darkness as she could see before finally settling him down on the cool dirt floor. The ringing stopped and the glow around her horn died.

“Whew!...” She puffed out her cheeks. “That was… interesting…”

“If, by ‘interesting’, you mean ‘disastrous and could have been completely avoided if not for the stupidity of a certain someone’, then yes. It was interesting.”

“It worked out in the end…” Twilight glanced up at me. She laughed nervously, “You look terrible.” I glanced down at her filthy mane, slick with grime and perspiration and gave a weak smile,

“And you looked amazing.” I assured her. “Still think your friends will have trouble accepting your magic talent after that?” A shadow passed over the unicorn’s face,

“Well, we’re about to find out…” She swallowed hard.

“Hey… It’s going to be fine.” I held up my lantern and together we began making our way back to Ponyville.

She continued to breathe heavily even now that her spell was finished and I watched her hooves scuff in the dirt more than once. Twilight held her head up bravely, but I was witnessing one of the first rules of Equestian magic: it comes with a price.

“Are you alright?” I ventured, looking down at her with concern.

“I’ll be fine. I just need to catch my breath.” She explained. I almost guffawed. She had just carried something the size of a monster truck above her head for a half an hour and all she needed was to catch her breath!? Obviously, Equestrian magic wasn’t based on ‘equal exchange’. She continued, “It’s you I’m worried about. It looks like someone petrified your leg.”

It was only then that I realized I was limping.

“It’s nothing.” I grunted.

“But what if you broke something?”

“It’s nothing.” I echoed.

“But-”

“Twilight, I have a question.” I gritted my teeth and swallowed. The unicorn paused and waited. “Would… would it have been easier on you if the water tower was already empty?”

“What?”

“How much more energy did it take to have lift and then empty that reservoir?”

“Well, I guess it took a little more time and effort than if it had been empty, but-”

“Was it hard to coax milk out of those cows since they just milked themselves a couple hours earlier? And what of those smashed buildings? Could we have stopped the ursa earlier if someone knew it was coming?”

“Mark, what’s the point of asking that?” Twilight Sparkle asked pointedly. “Everything turned out all right, but you still don’t look happy.”

“I’m not. I just wish I could have done more…” I whispered, looking back at my friend’s labored breathing. “I just don’t like how helpless I felt. How insignificant. I can’t help thinking that there’s more I could have done to limit tonight’s destruction, but didn’t. Or couldn’t. Even now, I can’t look at you without thinking how exhausted you look. And if you were to stumble right now, I couldn’t even carry you back home…” My voice cracked and I swallowed around the knot in my throat. “I just can’t stand how weak I am…”

Twilight Sparkle lifted her nose decidedly. She marched forward and nudged me back along our path.

“That’s enough. There’s no point in thinking those things, so you should stop.”

“You don’t get it. I-”

“You’re tired. It’s been a long day. But I saw what you did back on the street, Mark. Lily saw what you did…” She turned to look at me, “You saved her life.”

I remained silent, staring down at the dirt as my lantern lit the surrounding forest. She wanted me to feel proud, wanted me to feel like a hero, but her words rang hollow in my ears. Twilight Sparkle thought I had done the best I could in a, unavoidable situation, but she didn’t know the full story. She didn’t know I could have prevented the whole thing.

“Didn’t a certain someone try and tell me earlier today that it’s our decisions, far more than our abilities, that define who we are, Mark?”

I directed my glare down to my feet.

“Then I’ve made my decision.” I said gravely.

“Huh?”

“I’ve decided that I couldn’t live with myself if you or anypony else got hurt because of me. More than anything else, I’ve decided that I want to be able to protect my friends. And no, I’m not just echoing the mantra of every shounen anime ever. I’ve decided that when the next disaster hits, I’ll be ready for it.” I locked eyes with Twilight Sparkle, my face filled with a cocktail of uncertainty, imploring, and determination. “I want to learn magic.”

“Hold on.” She cautioned, “You’re getting ahead of yourself. We don’t even know if humans can use magic, remember?”

“That’s… almost irrelevant.”

“Almost?”

“I said I wanted to learn magic. Even if I can’t use it myself, I want to know its laws and its workings, its advantages, and its price. Just like this whole world, there’s so much I don’t know, and it’s not enough for me to exist in Equestria for the rest of my life,” I waved my lantern at the surrounding forest for emphasis, “I need to live here. And to do that, I need to learn all I can. Fauna, flora, astronomy, geography, history, government, medicine science, technology… magic. When the next thing hits, I want to be ready.”

Twilight Sparkle didn’t hide her apprehension. My behavior worried her, the way I was blaming myself for something that clearly wasn’t my fault. However, the more she thought about my proposition, the wider her eyes grew until they were as starry as the hide of an ursa.

“Well, Mark, you’ve come to the right pony.” She beamed. “As it so happens, I have a library!”

“And I just remembered that I can’t read!” Three cheers for feeling sorry for myself!

It was ironic that Twilight’s letter for that day’s episode was about loving your friends for who they were and accepting them despite their strengths or shortcomings. Yet, there I was feeling that I myself wasn’t nearly good enough. That I wasn't a worthy friend because I wasn't strong enough. However, my case had more to do with using my talents for the benefit of my friends and less like being a showoff, so I decided that this lesson didn't apply to me.

For starters, I came to the conclusion that I would need to spend some serious time forcing myself to recall as much as I knew about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Characters, episodes, monsters, turning points, iconic moments, hard times, character development, even timeline, if at all possible. I had a massive task ahead of me, and my recall was, at best, spotty and rusty, but I was learning, I was adapting, and I was finding where I fit into this world.

I didn’t have to wait long to begin my ‘list o’ things to watch out for’. An embarrassed and disgraced Trixie performed her last (and best according to some ponies) magic trick; she had vanished out of Ponyville without a trace. Twilight Sparkle’s friends welcomed the little hero back in a tender-hearted moment. They also clarified the difference between what made Twilight a hero and what made Trixie a ‘loudmouth’, solidifying the friendship lesson in her heart. From that episode on, Twilight Sparkle had no reason to hide her secrets from her friends anymore. In a way, I envied her for that.

However, I had other things on my mind as ‘Boast Busters’ drew to a close. Even as I spoke with the ponies, even as the night's excitement was winding down, I made a mental note to myself,

“Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of Trixie.” And I wasn’t merely referring to the oceans of fan art the girl had.

“She’s the kind to hold a grudge…”

Author's Note

Thanks for reading. I know these "chapters" are really more like individual stories. I want to know, is that bothersome to you as the reader? Would it be better if I try and break the story into smaller chunks? I'm not sure how I would do that, really, but your feedback is always appreciated.

Ch 6: The Art of Passing Time

Chapter 6
The Art of Passing Time

When I was just a wee laddie, one of the most magical places I knew of was the old replica of a an old west Main Street in the High Desert Museum. It was a fantastic collection of vintage paraphernalia, filled with enough analog bronze and brass technology to make a young steampunk swoon. But it actually wasn’t the replica bank or the sheriff's office that caught up my tender little imagination; it was the hidden speakers behind the facade. Because that’s where things were moving. I could hear teams of horses snorting steam, eavesdrop on the old cowboys moseying down the street and listen to a diligent metal smith pound out a fresh batch of horseshoes. It was all so real at the time and it was just on the other side of that fake wall...

Of course, I grew up and realized that I hadn’t found my own personal glitch in spacetime or my own rabbit hole or my own wardrobe, but the magic lingered. I made a habbit of keeping an eye out for those special details that others might miss. Even today, I can’t resist peeking behind the curtain, so to speak, to see things not immediately apparent.

That’s why, when Twilight Sparkle asked if I wanted to join Spike on a trip to Canterlot, I jumped at the opportunity faster than a cat chasing a laser.

Apparently, she wanted to supplement the Golden Oak Library with some of the stuff back in Canterlot and tasked Spike with a laundry list of titles to recover. Twilight was even kind enough to pencil in a couple of beginner’s magic school books for me to help me start my own lessons with her. Magic: Elementary by Dusty White, Theory of the Arcane by Grinstar, and my favorite, The Ins and Outs of Heaven and Earth by Mini Vera. (It had pictures.)

Besides, how could I possibly pass up a chance to go to CANTERLOT!? The capital of Equestria! Home of the royal sisters! Apex of culture and art! The shining city on the cliff! Canterlot! (It’s only a model…)(Shh!) Not to mention, it was a chance to see how the rest of Equestria went about their daily lives whenever the M6 were preoccupied with a friendship lesson.

So, without further ado, that’s where this chapter opens, on a pastry-themed train with a baby dragon for a traveling companion. From my seat, I looked down into the valley below as our passenger car climbed higher and higher along the stark mountain cliffs. Beneath me, the sunny hamlet of Ponyville was being gradually buried by a rising tide of dark and restless clouds. Even from the safety of the train, I could hear the whispers of the storm begin to rise as the pegasi prepared their downpour.

Ponyville had recovered from the ursa’s little visit quite nicely. Very nicely, actually. It’s amazing what the ponies can accomplish when everypony gets together. The only side effect, however, was that a couple of summer showers were postponed to keep the new construction dry. I didn’t have to be Spiderman to get my senses tingling every time Applejack mentioned the upcoming “doozy of a downpour” they had planned to make up for the artificial dry spell.

‘Look Before you Sleep’ was in full swing, and after the ursa incident, I was looking forward to a slice-of-life episode. In fact, I hadn’t planned to participate in this episode at all. Partly because there was nothing for me to do and partly because… well, it’s about a girl’s sleepover. It was a cute episode, but I had to be honest with myself, it would have been pretty awkward if I had stayed at Twilight’s place that night. Thus, I was spending the day with the seventh member of the main 6.

“-And after we’re done picking up Twilight’s stuff, we’ll have plenty of time to ourselves! I’ll show you everything in the city. Like the sky docks, and the cloud circuit, or even G & B Dolls, the biggest toy shop in Equestria!” Spike was bouncing in his seat, oblivious to the grey thunderheads threatening to eclipse our windows outside.

“The sky docks?” I peeled myself away from the glass. I had more than a little bit of a childish fascination with air ships and a piece of me wishes they were still being made on Earth. I even wrote a Fimfiction about one. “We can actually see the ships up close?”

“Canterlot’s one of the biggest sky ports ever!” The dragon said proudly. “Besides Cloudsdale, obviously.”

“But will we be able to see everything if this storm hits?” I was leery. “Canterlot and Ponyville are so close; don’t they share a lot of the same weather?”

“Maybe…” Spike deflated a little. “I haven’t seen a storm like this one in a long long time… But whatever we do, we HAVE to visit Doughnut Joe’s before we leave!”

“Oh? What’s so special about Joe’s?” I smirked, feigning ignorance.

“His shop is only the best-known secret in all of Canterlot!” Spike threw up his arms. “His doughnuts are always made fresh, and he’s got a secret way of stacking them so that they remain perfectly crispy. He calls it ‘Doughnutopia’.” A drop of drool slid out of the corner of the dragon’s mouth. No doubt, the little guy was imagining tearing into Doughnutopia like a Godzilla who just abandoned his diet.

“Please tell me he has coffee to go with it…” Doughnuts and a real cup of coffee… My eyes were getting misty just thinking about it.

“Meh… I don’t drink coffee.”

“I meant for me!”

“Oh... Well, sure, if you’re into that. Canterlot has a lot more coffee shops than Ponyville.”

“If, by 'a lot more', you mean 'more than zero'…” I nodded somberly. “Trust me, I checked every alley and side street. What’s a guy got to do to get a descent cup of Joe in Equestria?” Apparently, go to Doughnut Joe’s. (Great! Now I feel stupid for not catching his etymology earlier…)

“You like coffee that much?” Spike asked. I smiled madly.

“Coffee is love. Coffee is life! Coffee is religion! The mug is my censer, the pot is my altar, and Starbuck’s is my church! No, seriously, though, it’s ok. It’s just that I used to drink coffee all the time back home. It’s a perfect way to start the morning, with the hot bitter aroma wafting up your nostrils. Wakes me right up. And when it comes to getting up before the sun to meet Applejack, I need all the help I can get.”

“How’s that going? Working on Sweet Apple Acres?” Spike leaned into the train’s alley expectantly as a refreshment cart came rolling by.

“It’s pretty fun, actually. Long, but fun. The Apples and I do most all the chores before noon and we rarely work through the heat of the day.” My friend waved down the snack trolley. “After that, we either finish up our projects or go find out what the other ponies are doing. It’s about the easiest heavy-lifting job I’ve ever had.”

“Do you like working with Applejack?” Spike grabbed a stick of rock candy and tossed a couple bits onto the cart. Twilight Sparkle had given us a little 'milk money' to spend on meals and souvenirs, but self-restraint wasn’t really Spike’s strong suit. I wondered if I should be in charge of the purse for the rest of the trip.

“I thought I just answered that question.”

Crunch!

“No, I mean, do you like Applejack?” The little dragon’s sly grin probably would have been more suave if he didn’t have flecks of sparkly candy around his mouth. He looked up at me teasingly. “You spend a lot of time with her…”

“Of course I do. We work together.” I said defensively. Unfortunately, my tone only caused the little troll to push harder,

“You liiike her, don’t you?” He sing-songed.

My cheeks flushed, but not in the embarrassed way a kawaii anime characters’ might. I was actually peeved that Spike would be teasing me about something that he himself knew nothing about. Then again, when I was a kid, I was doing the same things. Come to think of it, I was always singing silly songs about alien concepts like ‘cooties’ and ‘marriage’. But his childish taunting hit a more sensitive nerve than he intended. The idea of becoming ‘more than just friends’ with a character from this world was an uncomfortable and ever-haunting issue that I knew I would be forced to face someday.

Fortunately, this was not that day,

“I’ll admit, I was pleasantly surprised by Applejack. Never again will I judge a person’s intelligence by their accent.” I sidestepped the issue the way Neo sidestepped bullets. “I’m ashamed to say it, but she’s the first character with a country drawl that I didn’t automatically think was a dumb hick. Well, her and Jessie.”

“Who?” Spike’s ear scales dropped in confusion.

“The yodeling cowgirl from Toy Story.” I smiled at the memory. I had a moment of nostalgic bliss before Spike promptly took a sledgehammer to it,

“What’s Toy Story?”

It’s a good thing I wasn’t the one driving that train or else I would have slammed on the brakes and brought everything to a screeching halt just so that I could stare at the little dragon.

“You don’t know about Toy Story!?” My face melted into one long, unbelieving gaze. “Oh, man… I’m so, so sorry! I feel like you’re missing a piece of what it means to grow up! Tell me, do you feel stunted in your psychological growth? What’s it like not having a childhood?”

“Mark, you’re acting weird…” Spike wrung his claws in embarrassment. All around the carriage, ponies were staring in surprise at the crazy, hollering human. A couple of them just threw me irritated glances while a couple more surreptitiously glanced towards the exit. I didn’t care,

“Oh, man… You, my little friend, need to hear that tale! But I guess you wouldn’t have the same stories here that I grew up on, huh? Tell me, did Twilight tell you any stories when you were little… -er? Any bedtime stories or nursery rhymes?”

“Um… Sometimes she’d read her studies aloud when I was cranky.” The little dragon admitted. “Put me right to sleep.” I sighed with deep pity and put a reassuring hand on Spike’s shoulder,

“Don’t worry, kid, I’ll set you straight. I may not be the best story teller around, but I vow that justice will be done! I will tell you the tales of Toy Story and your childhood will be complete. And Finding Nemo, too! And Beauty and the Beast! Oh, my gosh, there’s so much I want to tell you.”

“What’s so important about a bunch of stories?” Spike wondered. My voice dropped a few decibels as I explained,

“Not just any stories. Children’s stories. Tales of adventure and adversaries. Villains and victory. Dreamlands and dystopias. Make believe worlds where anything is possible.”

“So, a bunch of stuff for little kids? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m too old for that stuff!” The dragon snorted dismissively. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and asked,

“What are we, but the stories we are made of?” I let the question linger in the air for a moment. “Spike, you want to be a hero one day, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah!”

“Then wouldn’t it make sense to hear the stories about the Pevensies when they found a door to a world under the curse of an eternal winter? Wouldn’t you like to know what Bilbo Baggins did when he suddenly became his friend’s only hope of escaping the giant spiders? If you’re going to be a hero, then shouldn’t you have some idea of what Will Turner did when the cursed pirates carried away Elizabeth?”

“Are these stories… Did they really happen?” Finally, the light of interest began to flicker in the little dragon’s eyes.

“That’s… almost irrelevant.” I winked. “Fictional stories tell us who we want to be. And that’s the only thing more important than what we are.”

“So, you grew up on a whole bunch of stories?”

“Oh, yeah! I was practically raised by The Lion King and Sleeping Beauty and Monsters Inc. And not just the movies, but the books and the games, too! I’ll share with you the chronicles of Narnia and of the legendary Harry Potter, and the Redwall series, and the epic saga of Halo and Fire Emblem and… Oh, gosh… The Legend of Zelda…”

“Zelda?”

“A secondary character. Don’t ask. In fact, I could call it ‘The Legend of Link’ and you’d never know…” I had full artistic liberty! Bwahaha!

“Riiight…”

“Oh! And Marvel’s superheroes! Hey, Spike, you like the Power Ponies, right?”

“Of course!”

“Then there’s hope for you yet…” I smiled proudly.

“Now arriving: Canterlot! Please watch your hats, ladies and gentlemen, as it’s getting rather windy on the platform!” The door at the far end of the car slid open and a grey mustachioed conductor pony announced.

I quickly turned back to my window just in time to see Canterlot in all its stark glory unveiled. The capital city clung to the waterfall-draped cliffs like a rose vine. Half of its thorny ivory towers were rooted upon the shelf of the mountain while the other half floated above nothing but the distant horizons. Silken banners tugged at their poles above the golden and bronze rooftops and every surface street was laced with carefully manicured trees. Beneath it all, countless waterfalls shed their silver mist like curtains over the distant valley floor.

Our train crept cautiously over the last precarious bridges before coasting through the front gates of the city. As the engine came to a rest and let out a contented sigh of steam, Spike and I stepped out onto the white arrival platform. An erratic breeze was growing steadily stronger and a tower of shadowy thunderheads was rising from Ponyville, but even the oncoming storm couldn’t hide the city’s radiance. Every surface was made of pale marble or glistening ceramic, polished enough to see one’s face in. Here, in the city on the edge of the sky, dust was a distant memory.

Spike and I quickly hefted our bags and plunged into the heart of the metropolis. My companion was chattering excitedly, proud to be my guide to his hometown, and even though he kept promising to take me on an official tour later, he was already frothing with everything he knew about Equestria’s capital. I listened politely, half-paying attention to his words, half-comparing the place to Earth cities, and half-simply staring at the pretty towers around me.

Canterlot was, by no means, a human city. With its isolated location and precarious architecture, it looked like something a mad minecraft artist had come up with. Technically, it wasn’t even a ‘pony’ city as much as it was a ‘unicorn’ city. Canterlot was founded by unicorns and for unicorns countless centuries ago as a testament to their pride and their technology. Being on a mountain provided them with a wealth of mineral resources, (*cough* the crystal mines *cough*) while their altitude provided perfectly clear skies from which to study the heavens.

Dare I go so far as to say that the entire place was built like an exclusive unicorn club? It was, after all, far removed from any contact with the earth ponies. However, Celestia effectively took that notion and threw it out the window when she made it her home and the official capital of Equestria. She seemed to think that it represented all three species evenly, providing an airy and open port for the pegasi’s sky ships, having proud roots in unicorn lore, and tied firmly to the earth ponies by its umbilical cord, Ponyville. In fact, it could be said that Ponyville owed almost all of its economy to the fact that it was the gateway to and from Canterlot.

“This area is called the ‘lower district’. Where we’re going is in the ‘upper district’ and then there’s the actual castle grounds.” Spike explained. “All the merchants and shops are down here while the schools and nicer houses are in the upper district.

“Merchants?” I had been wearing a carefree smile only a moment before, but a sudden thought clouded my face as surely as the storms that were shrouding the sky.

“Huh? Are you ok?” Spike noticed my change of tone. I quickly smiled and nodded.

“Of course! I was just remembering something I heard somewhere from somepony. Nothing specific, mind you… Hey, I wonder if there are any neat curio shops around here.” My imagination darkened with images of a shadowy street, a sleazy merchant and a black amulet. “You know, for souvenirs...”

“I don’t know about curio shops,” The little dragon muttered, “but Twilight’s shown me just about every book store in the city.”

“I see…” I kept my smile, but my troubled thoughts remained. The recent incident with Trixie was still fresh in my memory and even though she wouldn’t reveal herself again for a long time, it was going to be a dark day when she did. Somepony, somewhere in this city would eventually have a powerful artifact for sale and if I’ve learned anything since starting my adventure, chances were ‘Magic Duel’ would be more dangerous in reality than it was in the TV show. I found myself pondering what the implications would be if I somehow stopped the episode from ever happening in the first place.

I shook my head dismissively. I had no address to the secretive shop, no giant bag of gold, and no assurance that ‘Mr. Curio’ even owned the amulet yet. Not to mention, stopping the duel would leave Trixie with an unresolved grudge for the rest of her life. I desperately tried to push my thoughts aside, to enjoy my time here in the city, but I couldn’t lie to myself, I was a worrier.

We hurried to a large book store/library/thing called the Book Hive. (I don’t know why it was called that. Probably because the owner, a pale pink unicorn with dinner-plate-sized glasses, had a cutiemark of a bee hive.) It was easily as large as a cathedral and filled with honeycombed shelves, but it was vacant and quiet inside. Apparently, it was a book warehouse, and it supplied any customer from school districts down to personal collectors. I could see why Twilight liked it.

Unfortunately, that’s where my enthusiasm for the place ended. Spike immediately began filling out Twilight’s order with the bookseller pony. The two of them began chipping away at the bibliophile’s list while I merely hung in the background, bored and useless. I tried to entertain myself by admiring the architecture, but that only occupied me for about 7.3 seconds. And that’s because I did it twice. I tried perusing the scrolls and books nestled into the wooden shelves, but I might as well have tried to read Braille or even binary code. Without any knowledge of the alphabet, I could have stumbled upon Starswirl the Bearded’s Darkest Secrets, without ever realizing it. Instead, all I could do was sigh and sway back and forth on my feet. So, my thoughts turned to what they usually turned to whenever I was bored,

“Hey, Spike? You want me to run out and grab dinner or something?”

“Oh! Great idea, Mark! You could go buy doughnuts!”

“Doughnuts? Spike, you already had candy on the train. Don’t you want dinner?”

“Doughnuts first! Joe might close early because of the storm!” Spike pleaded with his giant, glassy eyes. I rolled my eyes, but laughed,

“Fine! Doughnuts it it! Gotta love the bachelor life!” I took the purse and stepped outside. Already, the storm had blotted out the sun and the crisp mountain air seemed to pierce right through me. I reminded myself to invest in an all-weather coat next time I visited Rarity’s boutique.

The streets were almost vacant and I saw more than one shop close up as I wandered past. Everywhere, ponies were hunkering down for the imminent downpour. I know the pegasi had their watchful eyes on the storm cell, but this was the first time I got an impression of how much control they actually had. To put it simply, the pegasi were like shepherds; they could guide the clouds, but they didn’t command where every raindrop fell. To be honest, it was a nice change to see everypony treat the weather like something wild and unpredictable. It felt more like home. And I always did enjoy a good storm back home.

Spike’s meticulously detailed directions were, “Just go down Elephant Street. You can’t miss it!”, but with the aid of a friendly carriage driver and a police guard who was obviously leery of non-ponies, I finally found Doughnut Joe’s.

All the stores, from perfume markets to pet stores, looked like lacy doll houses, so I ended up finding Joe’s place via smell long before I recognized it was a bakery. Then again, the giant pink doughnut above the door was kind of a giveaway too…

In the end, I arrived just as the brawny brown baker locked the front door and flipped the sign hanging in the window. My heart dropped into my toes.

“That doesn’t say, ‘closed’, does it? Hello? Hey! Joe?” I quickly leapt forward and rapped on the window, but Doughnut Joe had already vanished into the back room. The restaurant went dark and I was left outside on the street. “Oh, come on!” I mimicked Sweetie Belle as I pushed myself away from the door. My arms flopped hopelessly to my side as I wondered what I should do next. I had to come up with something and soon or else the entire city would be closed for the evening.

“Oh? You’re Mark, correct?” A musical voice, like sunlight on a lake, floated from behind me. I glanced over to see the last person I ever expected to see standing there,

“P-Princess Celestia?” Words failed me. The ruler of Equestria herself was standing only a couple yards away and even though she was smiling warmly, I didn’t know if I should bow, curtsey, or fall flat on my face. I tried to lower my head respectfully, but the gesture was as awkward and jittery as an epileptic puppet. And I really had no idea what to do with my hands. “Good evening! I mean, afternoon! Or…”

“It’s good to finally meet you too.” Celestia stepped forward, her movements measured and fluid, a stark contrast to my own. “I’ve heard so much about you from my student, Twilight Sparkle, but I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”

“I could say the same thing! I mean! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I meant, forgive me, your highness, but you surprised me.” I kept my eyes lowered.

“Is everything all right?” She laughed musically.

“My apologies, your majesty, but I’m afraid I have no etiquette training when it comes to addressing one such as yourself, your highness.”

“Well, you’re doing quite well.” Celestia encouraged. “But we aren’t in court, and you don’t look comfortable standing like that.”

“Thank you, your highness.” I tried to relax and stand up straighter, but my shoulders were still as tight as iron cables. Celestia’s presence was almost tangible, enveloping. Even under a cloudy sky, her glistening coat didn’t seem to cast a shadow and her mane flowed slowly behind her, completely separate from the skittering breezes fluttering by.

“Tell me, Mark, what brings you to Canterlot on this lovely day?” Now that I was over the initial shock, I realized just how soft and informal the princess’s voice was.

“Um…” Good question. What was I doing again? “Oh, yeah, Spike and I are running an errand for Twilight, I mean, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, and how is Spike? I’ve missed him since he and Twilight moved to Ponyville.”

“He’s good. I mean well. He’s well.” Grammar class, you see. “He asked me to fetch some doughnuts from here, but…” I looked back helplessly at the bakery.

“Is that so?” Celestia’s eyes twinkled. “Well, we can’t let a growing dragon go without his snacks, now, can we?” Her ivory horn shimmered and she unveiled a white cardboard box from behind her. Inside, she showed me rows upon rows of fried circular treats.

“Your highness?”

“There’s nothing quite like spending a rainy evening indoors with a box of Joe’s doughnuts.” The princess explained. “Of course, I simply had to prepare for tonight. Perhaps you and Spike might join me?”

“We would be honored.” I answered automatically, dumbfounded. “As far as I know, he’s still at the Book Hive.”

“Then we’d best return quickly.” Without any physical indication, Celestia signaled for me to follow her. “I wouldn’t want the castle guards searching for me in the rain.” It took me a second to understand what she meant.

“Pardon, ma'am? Your guards don’t know where you are?”

“Now, Mark, are you implying that a princess would sneak out into the city for a mere pastry run?” She glanced back at me. I stared at the princess, then at the box of doughnuts, then back at her, but said nothing. She, in turn, merely gave herself a satisfied smile and continued walking.

I found myself moving robotically besides the princess as I collected my thoughts. I’ll admit, her behavior caught me off guard. Whenever I thought of Celestia, I always pictured her as a ruler, as an alicorn, as a unique and powerful creature in the land of Equestria. One that had waged fierce battles and stood before terrifying evils to create the happy kingdom I knew from the show. She wasn’t omnipotent, omniscient, or omnipresent, but she was the closest thing this world had to a god. Not to mention, being an alicorn, she was the perfect arbiter between the three pony species. Yet everything about her seemed to deflect those tags that I would use to label her. She carried herself with flawless poise, but she did not exude power. Her confidence was soft, not hard, and her voice, especially, sounded almost motherly instead of lordly. I was unsure what to say around her or how to say it.

The only thing about her that I knew for sure was that I had finally found somepony taller than me.

Even when we rendezvoused with Spike at the book shop, his tone towards Celestia was respectful and courteous, but also excited and enthusiastic. Watching the two of them was like watching a child upon seeing their favorite baby sitter again. Not quite the sovereign-subject dynamic I expected.

“Princess Celestia!”

“Hello, Spike! How has my favorite dragon been?”

“Great! I can’t wait to tell you what Ponyville’s like. It’s been really fun, and I thought it would be boring, but that’s not it at all!” Spike spoke with his hands as much as with his mouth.

“I’m glad to hear that you’ve grown to like Ponyville.” Celestia beamed. “And I think you’ve grown a little as well.”

“You really think so?” The little guy stood up straight, craning his neck like a heron.

“Are you all finished up here, Spike?” I asked, looking around at the darkening book store.

“Yup!” He dusted off his claws. “The books should be on our train tomorrow. You’ll never believe the library that Twilight lives in now, Princess! It’s inside a big tree! And she loves it there with all her new friends and her new studies.”

“I can’t wait to hear about it.” The princess grinned proudly. “You must tell me all about it over dinner.”

“Sounds like a good idea! I’m starving. Come on, Mark!”

“… Of course.”

“Are there any special requests from my guests?” The princess asked.

“Rubies!”

Hamburgers!

“I have no preference, your highness.”

“Is that so, Mark?” Celestia tilted her head. “I heard from Twilight Sparkle that you’re quite fond of pot pie, and that you’ve been searching everywhere for some coffee.”

“You know what? You’ve proved me wrong, princess!” I finally smiled.

Princess Celestia led the way up to the highest point of the city, the castle grounds. With my shirt collar pulled up against the slicing wind and the first cold droplets of rain pelting me, I couldn’t really appreciate the exterior. However, once the three of us were inside and the front doors were closed against the oncoming storm, I gave in to the beauty around me. Celestia’s home was like her in many ways, elegant, bright, warm, and regal. The walls and floor were draped in colorful tapestries and carpets, giving the mighty stone hallways a softer, quieter touch.

“Your majesty!” The instant we stepped through the front door, our party was ambushed by two stern-faced pegasi guards. Their glistening plate metal looked like something an elvish prince would don and they held their heads up stiff and proud beneath their frilled helmets. “Our apologies! We were unaware that you were not in the castle!”

“Good evening, Rain Worthy, Thunder Clap. There’s no need to apologize. My friends here were just outside and I wanted to welcome them in. Please pass along to the staff that I will be entertaining two guests for the night.” If they weren’t obviously made of granite, the pegasi guards would have relaxed at Celestia’s soothing voice.

“Of course, your majesty!” As crisp as paper and as sharp as razor blades, the guards flashed a quick salute before snapping an about-face and vanishing into the depths of the castle. I stared after them, wondering if their role was primarily for customs and courtesies or if they actually had combat experience. I was also wondering how they could do an about-face with four feet. In any case, they didn’t seem like the kind of ponies to cross on bad terms.

“I really shouldn’t tease them so much.” Celestia leaned over to whisper to me, “But they take their duties so seriously, I can’t help but enjoy seeing them a little flustered.”

“It’s not just duty. Wearing that armor in your service is a badge of pride, too.” My eyes continued to sweep over the gleaming palace walls.

“The pegasi are especially stoic. They claim they have the longest history of military traditions.” The princess quickly led us into the safety of the cathedral-esque main hall. All around me, the castle was decorated with regal paintings and flowers, but also an occasional piece of ornamental armor or a marble bust of some ancient noble.

“And do they?” I ventured.

“Hm?” Celestia glanced at me. “Do they what?”

“Have the oldest traditions? I mean, you would know.” I suddenly caught my words as they leaked out, “I mean, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I didn’t mean to infer your age or anything, but-” I was cut off by the princess’s laugh,

“When did a long life become something to be ashamed of? I certainly hope that my wealth of experience could aid more budding historians like yourself. Or do I really seem so imposing?” I didn’t know how to answer, so I merely told the truth,

“Where I’m from, a lady’s pride is her youth. Until age is something that can no longer be cheated, it is usually treated as something to be avoided at all costs… in many cases, with unsavory results.” I shivered at the memories. “I wish more women had your wisdom on the issue.”

“You refer to your home, Oregon?” The princess stared straight ahead. “I am very curious about the land you come from, Mark, and would love to speak with you whenever you’re available.”

“Of course, your highness.” I swallowed nervously. Suddenly, Celestia leaned down again, her eyes glancing around warily,

“Yes, the pegasi were the first to form an army, but the earth ponies had warriors before them.” She straightened up as if nothing had happened. Spike and I shared a smile among ourselves that grew into a stifled chuckle.

In that moment, the mood felt light and easy. I felt welcomed and safe, so I figured I’d try and take the opportunity to investigate a little more of Equestria’s lore. Perhaps I could find out something not properly covered in the show. So I asked,

“If you don’t mind me asking, princess, how long have you lived, anyway?” My intentions were innocent, but within the next moment, I immediately regretted my words.

It was only for an instant. A second so splintered that I may have imagined it entirely, but the radiant face that Celestia wore faltered, revealing something else underneath. Something dark? Heavy?... Painful? With a slight twitch of her head, she recovered,

“Far too long, and not nearly long enough.” Her delivery was so polished, that I don’t think Spike even noticed her moment of hesitation. Or the weight of her words.

“I see…” I whispered.

“Do you?” She looked back at me.

The three of us had just entered the dining hall where the sound of a dozen chefs (and a particularly boisterous and rotund head chef) was rising up in the air. The musical racket of plates, goblets, chairs and trays was like listening to hail falling on a tin roof. Spike dashed forward to his personal chair, but Celestia and I hung back for a moment.

“Do I what, your highness?” I clarified? “Do I ‘see’?”

She nodded ever so slightly.

“Oh…” I lifted my eyebrows. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was supposed to be a riddle. I just figured that it wasn’t pleasant for you to think back on, so I didn’t press the issue. Saying that you’ve lived for ‘too long’ means that you’ve left things in the past that you wish would have stayed with you forever and you miss them. Living ‘not long enough’ implies that you’re wise enough to know that you still don’t know everything and recognize your limits. You know that you’re still learning every day.” I looked back up at my host, but her expression was devoid of the earlier shadow I saw.

“That’s very interesting.” She beamed, but I don’t know if her demeanor was meant for me or for the rest of the ponies in the room. “Are all humans as witty as you? Let’s hurry, I think the table is ready for us.”

“Witty?” I frowned to myself. That wasn’t a word I would use to describe myself. Or that little conversation. But I didn’t press the issue.

After that, the dialogue flowed pretty effortlessly. Spike began talking non-stop about Ponyville and the adventures he and Twilight Sparkle had encountered. Celestia, on her part, kept masterful control of the conversation, nurturing Spike’s simplistic and young communication skills into a flowing conversation. I found myself admiring the way the princess carried on from one topic to the next as easily and gracefully as a kite surfing on the wind. Must be a royalty thing; I’ve heard the queen of England is the same way.

The dinner the princess provided was pleasant and welcoming. Outside the palace’s arching windows, the storm beat like a myriad of fists, but inside, the bright halls were safe and dry. Despite my earlier apprehension around Celestia, the princess gently, but surely, pulled me into the conversation until I was as at ease speaking with her as Spike was.

“… and then she just lifted the ursa minor above her head and sent it all the way back home!” Spike leapt up in his chair, pantomiming Ponyville’s most recent episode with his little arms. “Trixie didn’t stay long after that, let me tell you! There’s no way she could ever match Twilight!” I smiled to myself as I listened, a mug of piping hot coffee clutched in my fingers and a half-eaten glazed doughnut in front of me. It was the perfect ending to a perfect meal.

“I can’t tell you how pleased I am to hear that.” Celestia was a self-declared tea fanatic, but I had convinced her that coffee was the only drink to accompany doughnuts.

“Pleased to hear that an ursa attacked?” The little storyteller’s jaw dropped.

“No, Spike, I’m glad to hear that humility is still one of Twilight’s strongest virtues.” The princess explained.

“Hey, that’s what I said.” I mimicked Pinkie Pie. “I get the feeling she’s never going to lose that…”

“Do you think she might become a strong leader someday, Mark?” The princess glanced over at me. I almost laughed my coffee all over the table,

“Hm?" I recovered quickly. "I already think she’s a strong leader. Though she has a lot of emotional growth to go through yet, no one can deny that she has the right heart. She has a level head in times of crisis… most of the time… (except ‘Lesson Zero’) and thinks nothing of herself when faced with danger.”

“Is that so?”

“It is…” My voice faded as I thought back. “Despite how afraid she was that her friends would reject her for her magic ability, she was willing to throw that away if it meant stopping the ursa. And when she faced Nightmare Moon, I watched Twilight Sparkle challenge her horn-to-horn with no hesitation. I don’t think Twilight is a warrior… yet,… but she has the right mindset. Brave, but humble and serving. And that’s just as important.”

Celestia studied my face carefully before she spoke,

“Then, you know what happened on that night?”

“It was actually that night that helped draw me to Ponyville. I had only been wandering through the forest prior to those events…” I thought back to my first night in Equestria. The ‘Longest Night’. The night six unlikely ponies found the hero within themselves and united under the magic of friendship. The night I witnessed something truly amazing. I dropped my voice thoughtfully, “And a remarkable series of events it was.”

“You sound as if you can appreciate the full weight of what happened.” Celestia invited. I fell for the bait,

“They risked everything for each other, for their homes, for their families, and for restoring harmony." I explained. "They faced a nightmare and pierced it. Not to mention, your highness, restoring your sister to you in the process. The weight of what happened? That night was nothing short of world-altering! You only have to look at the clean surface of the moon to see that.” Maybe it was the coffee, but I was getting pretty energetic. I continued,

“And that’s what I don’t understand. How can the bravery of those ponies go so… what’s the word I’m looking for? Overlooked? Unsung? Ignored.” The last word pricked me with anger. “Looking at them today, you’d never know that they had saved the world from a maniacal Nightmare… No offense to Princess Luna.”

Celestia lifted an interested eyebrow,

“And, would you rather that they had been?”

“I’d rather that they had been given more recognition than they did! I mean, that’s hardly fair for those girls to merely go about their lives without so much as a ‘thank you’ card for their efforts. Honestly, I remember this one newspaper article, and it still gets under my skin, that skipped over the issue of Nightmare Moon’s defeat like a rock on water! There was no recognition of what my friends did, no acknowledgement whatsoever. They didn’t even get their names in the paper! If you ask me, whoever wrote that column was quite the troll!” I folded my arms to keep my white knuckles hidden.

To my surprise, Celestia laughed. She even pressed her napkin up to her mouth to conceal her composure. With my face plastered in confusion, I looked at my host, then at Spike and then back to the princess. She finally calmed herself and said,

“Well, that was unexpected. I know I’ve been called such before, but certainly not to my face.”

“You!?” All my emotional momentum hit a speed bump and did a magnificent face plant. “You wrote that article?” I hesitated, my eyebrows lowering and my jaw dropping. I stared at Celestia, then looked down into my lap, then up to her again and finally folded my hands resignedly between my legs. I sat there silently, unmoving. After a moment, Celestia spoke to me again,

“No comment? I didn’t expect you to be the kind who could be stunned into silence, Mark.” She fixed me with her elegant stare. Spike glanced at the two of us from the other side of the table and slowly shrank into his seat.

“Awkward…” The little dragon whispered.

“What is to be said?” I picked my words carefully. “You already know my opinion on the issue. To backpedal now would be to imply that I would have said something different in your presence. That would be implying that I speak only to flatter you, which would be disrespectful to you as a princess and as a lady. It’s obvious that I don’t understand your motives, so all I can do is wait and see if you will enlighten me or if you decide that it is not my place to know.”

“I see…” The encouraging smile returned, “I appreciate someone who thinks before they speak. Yes, Mark, I was the primary reason that article was published, although the newspaper itself was unaware.”

“But, why?” Spike asked. I held a finger to my lips. A faraway look filled the princesses’ eyes as she said,

“Because they’re not ready for this.” I looked around me, wondering if the princess was talking about the palace? The royal court? Canterlot society?

“By ‘this’, do you mean the life of a celebrity? Because Rarity was born ready. She-”

“Of course, it looks grand from where you sit, Mark, but do you really know what life in the royal court is like?”

I had to admit that I did not. I was, after all, as far removed from royalty as culturally possible.

“It is a world of politics. Of orators and lawyers, of contracts and jurisdiction. And though it is a world brought up in an era of peace, it has bred a culture that typically overlooks what should be the most precious. Friendship.

Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle all found something simple and beautiful within themselves that resonated with the Elements of Harmony. Little virtues in their hearts that were powerful enough to change the world. But the bureaucracy of Canterlot would never understand such novel ideas as laughter, kindness, generosity or friendship. All they would see is power and they would overlook the very concepts that the Elements of Harmony are built upon.

I only wanted to spare Twilight Sparkle’s friends for now.”

“Instead of just throwing them to the sharks.” I whispered.

“I know I can’t hide them forever.” Celestia continued, “The moment they activated the Elements was the moment they became players on a much larger stage. And they will have to take their place in it one day.”

“But first, you want to teach them how to deal with the moochers and the bloodsuckers who just want to get on their good side for their own profit. Show the girls who they’re really dealing with without them getting caught up in the web of glamour and red tape.” My own outlook on politics was a little less flowery than her highness's.

“Well… that’s one way of putting it.” The princess conceded.

“Not to mention, the initial burst of interest in the Elements has faded pretty quickly. When the names of the ponies become public knowledge, you think they’ll still be able to live their lives in peace?”

“That is my wish. Their friendship sprouted in Ponyville, and it is my hope that they will never forget where they come from.”

“How do you plan on introducing them to Canterlot life?” I ventured. “Not many of them have even been in this city let alone mingled with the lords and ladies…” My voice trailed off. Suddenly, I looked over at Spike and burst, “The Grand Galloping Gala!”

“Huh!?” I wonder if dragons molt, because Spike almost jumped out of his skin. (I didn’t think this scene was too boring or long-winded, but apparently the little Dragon did if his heavy eyelids were any indication.)

“Wake up, Spike! Princess, was that a part of your plan? To use the Gala as a way of introducing the girls to Canterlot society?”

“Actually, yes. At least a part of it. I had also wanted to officially meet each of them aside from my brief visits thus far.”

“But then why did you only send two tickets in your first letter?”

“You saw that, did you?” The princess took a sip of coffee.

“Saw it? I watched poor Twilight go on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I had my radiation suit ready and everything.”

“It was a simple test. One that she passed with honors.”

“You were testing her? What kind of test was it?” I asked. Celestia closed her eyes as her now-iconic smile spread over her lips.

“My student, Twilight Sparkle, was still very new to the concept of friendship. I had no idea how she saw her friends, but I could only hope that they were all equally precious to her. However, there was also the possibility that she would distinguish between ‘best’ friends. I didn’t want her to fall into foolish habits like that, so I needed to see if that was the case.”

“But she tore herself up because she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint any of them.”

“Like I said, she passed with honors. I was very proud of her. Of course, Mark, I had the other tickets ready to be sent one way or another.”

“So, that wasn’t just the miracle of TV editing that caused Celestia to reply so quickly.” I mused to myself. I was right in the middle of processing the princess’s words when I realized their weight they carried,

“So… Just like that, you proved that no one pony was better than the others?”

“You could say that. After all, it's what I believe to be true.”

“Huh.” Was all I said, but inside, I was shouting, “Oh, my flippin’ gosh! Only one episode after the pilot and already Princess Celestia was trying to demolish the entire concept of ‘Best Pony’! If I ever get back to Earth, this revelation could change the face of the brony world forever!” (Well, for starters, the Google + community would wither away into nothing…)

“Of course, I couldn’t possibly exclude any of Twilight Sparkle’s new friends.” The princess explained.

“But, you know that you’re not going to have much time to meet each of them, right?” I reminded her. “Between being the hostess of the events and the princess of Equestria, each and every one of your guests is going to want a piece of your time. I know it’s probably your duty to entertain them, but that doesn’t give you any time for yourself or for the girls.”

“And you don’t think that’s a perfect illustration of what we’ve been talking about?”

“Ohhh… I got ‘ya…” It all made sense. A subtle, sly, clever kind of sense. I'd just never thought of Celestia as tricky or subtle like that before.

“You wouldn’t believe it if you saw it now, but the Grand Galloping Gala used to be a very… rambunctious event.” The princess had a little nostalgia on the corner of her mouth. “It was an anthology of all the equestrian families from all over the land, and everypony loved nothing more than to share their culture and their forms of celebration with others. But somewhere along the way, the representatives became emissaries, which became delegates, which became lords.”

“I see what you’re saying. What better way to disillusion the girls? Show them the contrast between their idea of a party and a politician’s?” I was never a fan of starchy events. If I were more perceptive, I might venture so far as to say that Celestia didn’t either. I thought about the season 1 finale and how everything was going to fall apart. Was that the princess's intention after all? Come to think of it, didn’t she imply something to that effect at the end of the episode? About making the Gala exciting? I narrowed my eyes and said,

“On a related note, that kind of a realization might come as quite a shock to the girls. Do you have a contingency plan to make sure they have a good night no matter what happens? Something to make sure it's 'the best night ever'?”

“Hmm… I may have a couple. What did you have in mind?”

“Not me. That little guy over there.” I gestured at the dragon sitting across from me only to realize that ‘sitting’ was a liberal description. Spike was fading fast, melting into the soft cushions of his chair like wax on a candle. Sleep was diligently coaxing his eyes to close.

“Spike!”

“Huh?”

“You’re having dinner with the princess; don’t you think you could at least stay awake?”

“I’m sorry. I just haven’t eaten so much in forever…” Spike looked back contentedly at his plate, which had recently been filled with a large pile of rubies and doughnuts. “What were you talking about?”

“Don’t you have a ‘famous secret’ that everypony who visits Canterlot must try out?” I gestured at the empty cardboard box on the table. “I think Twilight’s friends will want to try Joe’s for themselves.”

“Hey, yeah! Good idea, Mark! When they come for the Gala, I’ll have to show them everything around Canterlot… and Joe’s… and…” Spike’s eyes unfocused. “… Stuff…”

“Aaand, he’s out for the count.” I shook my head as the little guy collapsed back into his chair.

“Treating everypony to Doughnut Joe’s sounds like a wonderful idea.” Celestia rose from her seat and I quickly did the same. “But I think it’s time for our little dragon friend to get his sleep.”

“Agreed…” Per habit, I looked out the window to check for the sun’s position in the sky, but there was nothing to be seen except the rolling gray clouds.

“My aid will show you to your room, Mark.” As gentle as a sunbeam, the princess lifted Spike with her magic aura. “Do you have any requests during your stay here?”

“Thank you, your highness. But I’m sure everything’s perfect.”

“Then I will see you again tomorrow.” She nodded and I bowed.

My own room for that night was a far cry from Twilight’s library and yet still very similar. It still had the extra wide, extra low, bed designed for occupants with four legs. Still had a cold hard floor instead of fuzzy carpet. And still had enough room for the occupant to turn around without bumping into the furniture. If anything, the biggest difference, aside from the fine linens and mattress-that-I-could-swear-was-filled-with-pegasi-clouds, was a welcoming fireplace. One advantage of not living inside a tree, I guess.

I spread myself out on the sheets and let my breathing grow soft and shallow, but sleep evaded me. I felt excited, special, honored to have had dinner and a conversation with Celestia herself. The weather didn’t help, either, with the rain ringing like wind chimes and the thunder pounding out percussion. And I did like a good storm.

Finally, after about an hour of fruitlessly pursuing sleep, I decided to give up the chase. I peeled myself out of the mattress’s embrace and wandered out of my room into the palace’s hallway. The sun had set and the servants had retired, giving the whole building a breathless and tranquil feeling. Opposite my room, the hallway’s far wall was nothing but a series of immense windows, letting me peer into the heart of the evening storm like an aquarium.

My reflection in the glass was my only companion while I turned over the day’s events in my head. I had absolutely no regrets on missing ‘Look Before you Sleep’ for this visit. Standing in Canterlot felt nothing short of magical, walking the streets of a city I had only dreamed of. Celestia, however, had been a completely unexpected surprise. Pleasant, sure, but unexpected. From watching the show, I had no idea that she was still so involved in her student’s life. I found myself wondering just what else she might be up to behind the show’s episodes.

That’s where I was when I discovered that I didn’t have to wait until the dawn to see Celestia again.

“Was the room to your liking?” In the dusky light, the princess’s ivory coat took on a resigned silver hue and her billowing mane rippled in slow motion.

“Your highness?” I straightened up, surprised. “You’re still awake?” For being a bright white, aurora-laced, gem-adorned horse, this was the second time she had managed to sneak up on me.

“It seems I’m not the only one.”

“I blame the coffee. Which was excellent, by the way, thank you again for hosting us tonight.”

“It’s really nothing.” She sighed, “It was nice to meet you and see Spike again. It feels like ages since I’ve tucked him in bed like that.” The white alicorn joined me in front of the window and together, we stared into the inky darkness. A flash of white light cracked the sky and within moments, a mighty burst of thunder shook the windows.

“That was a good one.” I mused.

“You enjoy the storm?”

“Of course. Nature is full of beauty, but nothing quite rivals the dark majesty of a good thunder storm.”

“Mmm…” Celestia nodded silently. “That sounds like something Luna would say. She always did see beauty where others did not.”

“How is she, by the way?” My ears perked up at the mention of the brony community’s favorite princess.

“She is well, thank you for asking. If I had to guess, I would imagine she’s enjoying the storm up close tonight.”

“Pfft! Lucky.” I smirked. “But I mean, how is she really?”

“Pardon me?”

“I’m just asking as a concerned bystander. As someone who saw her nightmare form, I feel as if I owe her a follow-up. Make sure she’s settling into everything OK.” The princess fell into thoughtful silence. “I only ask because earlier you said we weren’t bound by court formalities. If it’s not my place,-”

“No, that’s all right, Mark. I trust you’re sincere. As I said, she’s well. We’ve had many talks, but I can tell that many things have changed since she was sealed away. The culture has changed. Familiar faces are long gone. Even the mountains have bowed a little since she last saw them. So many things have changed. And I fear I’m one of them.”

“Is that bad?”

“Coming to terms with a changing political landscape is one thing. Adapting to a government that doesn’t weigh on her shoulders so much seems to be a painless process for her. But having her sister change is another thing entirely. I’m probably much more penitent now than I was a thousand years ago, and that unsettles her.”

“I see… But at least you two are together again. As nerve-wracking as the return of Nightmare Moon was, it must have been exciting to see your sister again. I can only imagine the bond that immortality forges between two hearts.” And, once again, I didn’t stop my mouth from flapping soon enough, “Makes me wonder why you disappeared when Nightmare Moon returned. Where were you?”

Lightning lit up the hallway again. Its evanescent glow gave me a glimpse of Celestia’s face. Her graceful eyes were shimmering like rivers about to break their banks. I quickly bit my tongue and mentally kicked myself. I had finally overstepped my place. But chastisement wasn’t on the princess’s mind that night. Instead, she whispered,

“Mark, can I trust you with a secret?”

“I can keep a secret.” I’d been able to keep my carnivore-ism secret, for example. “That is, I’m a lot better at keeping secrets than Twilight.”

“I was hiding.” Celestia stared at me with a hard, unwavering gaze. “That night was the culmination of a plan one thousand years in the making. A plan I carefully designed and orchestrated for the sole purpose that I wouldn’t have to face Nightmare Moon again.”

“Hiding?” I said uncertainly. “But everyone thought something terrible had happened to you. They look up to you as their protector.”

“And that’s exactly why I couldn’t face her.” Celestia’s mane covered one of her eyes. “I couldn’t disappoint them.”

“But you fought Nightmare Moon once before, right?”

“And I lost…” The princess paused as the memory washed over her. “How is that for a budding historian like yourself? Not many books choose to remember what happened that night, but when I was faced with my sister’s wrath, I was overwhelmed. She may have given in to madness, put on a mask forged in rage and twisted desires, but she was still my sister.” Celestia’s gaze fell to the floor. “I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her. And in the end, the nightmare almost killed me.”

“But this story had a happy ending, right? You just used the Elements of Harmony, right?”

There was a flash of lightning and I caught a glimpse of a tear as it fell through the air.

“Oh…” I breathed. “I’m so sorry… I guess most ponies only focus on the peace that followed after the battle. They always seem to ignore what it must have been like for you. What you must have gone through.”

“I did it for them… I did it for her…” Even with tears falling down her muzzle, Celestia’s voice was soft and measured. “Together, we had fought for years to carve out a land of harmony for the ponies of Equestria. We had sacrificed our personal safety to give each and every one of our subjects a chance to live a happy life. Who would have guessed that the price for peace would cost me my heart as well?”

“The Elements of Harmony?...”

“They were not meant to be wielded by one bearer. It was only because of my all-consuming wish to save my sister that allowed me to use them that one time. And even then, their true power was not brought out. They only delayed the inevitable, and scarred the moon as a reminder that I had failed the pony most precious to me.”

“Your highness… Celestia…” I tried to console her, but I had no words. What do you say to a creature that willingly suffered self-damnation to protect her land? How can you relate to someone who lost their family in the name of preserving harmony? How can you comfort a lady who saw her own sister fall into the abyss of despair? I whispered,

“Thank you…”

“What?”

“I’m not saying ‘thank you’ as you’ve probably heard it a thousand times before. I’m not saying ‘thank you’ for vanquishing a monster. I’m not thanking you for restoring harmony to the land. I’m not thanking you for taking on the sole responsibility of raising the sun and the moon. I’m thanking you for putting your subjects first, even when it cost you everything.”

“Do you really understand?” She whispered.

“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a riddle.” I smiled reassuringly. “You were hailed as a hero when you knew you were the villain that night. You smiled for the ponies who needed to see a strong leader when anyone else would have been consumed by despair. You held on, hoping that one day you’d be able to save Luna. It couldn’t have been easy. A thousand years is a long time to walk the world alone. So, I’m saying ‘thank you’ for being strong.”

“Mark… No… You’re right… It wasn’t easy.” She gave me a thoughtful look, but I couldn’t quite read the expression on her face. “Are all humans as perceptive as you?”

“Comes with being an emo teen, I guess.” I shrugged. "You can see the dark side of every happy story."

“As you said, I almost crumbled. Especially when I was forced to face Nightmare Moon’s glare. Every. Single. Evening. I questioned my place as a leader, as a symbol of peace, and as a sister.”

“What got you though it?”

“Hope.” Celestia looked up with a new light in her eyes. “I made a promise to my sister that I would use the millennia I bought to find a way to bring her home.”

“Aside from just using the Elements again?”

“As I said, I could not wield them anymore. They were never meant to be used by one heart alone. I began to realize that the source of their power came from individual destinies being intertwined. Pure Harmony. Thus, to bring out their full magic, perhaps I would need to find six new souls to bear up their mantle. And I? Perhaps it was time for me to step aside as Equestria’s sole protector.”

“How could you possibly choose those six girls?” I wondered.

“I couldn’t.” She explained, “But I could prepare their way. Even a century after my battle with Nightmare Moon, the Palace of the Two Sisters was utterly abandoned and the memory of my sister was villainized. The dark forest consumed our old home and the one place where I needed the new bearers to venture to had become utterly taboo. I helped found Ponyville to be the gateway to the Everfree forest; the place Nightmare Moon was most likely to reappear.”

“Whoa… Seriously? And here I just thought it was a place where the Apple family could lay down some roots. Literally.”

“Whoever said it wasn’t? Though Canterlot’s economy certainly helped the little settlement rapidly grow in popularity.”

“Princess…” I fell into a deep pool of thought. What I found there was as clever as it was unnerving, “Would I be right in assuming that you gave Twilight Sparkle that book? The one that sent her on the path to find the Elements of Harmony?”

“Of course.” To my surprise, Celestia laughed. “But my eye was on my dear student long before then, Mark. After all, many centuries had passed by and I was beginning to fear that Nightmare Moon would return before I found all the spirits of the elements. Twilight Sparkle saved me. How could I mistake her cutiemark as anything other than the Element of Magic surrounded by the five other Elements?”

“And that’s why you immediately took her under your wing. Figuratively, of course.”

“And literally.” The princess smiled at the memories. “To be honest, her brother’s cutiemark also had my attention, but he was destined for other things.”

“Come to think of it, all of the girls got their cutiemarks on that same day. Did that help you find the others?”

“No. I didn’t know that. How did you?” The princess stared at me curiously. My throat suddenly grew tight, but I managed to say,

“Um… No reason, really. They told me.”

“Well, you can imagine my panic when Twilight grew up without any friends. I waited for as long as I could, but I guess all she needed was a little nudge.”

“And the rest is history.” I nodded. “Nightmare Moon returned, but you didn’t have to fight her again. The ponies recovered the Elements and instead of just banishing the nightmare, they purified it.”

“As I said, the Elements were meant for six wielders.”

We both fell into silence, staring out at the rain-strewn windows. Random flashes of lightning split the sky, but I couldn’t enjoy the spectacle as before. My mind was elsewhere, trying to digest all I had just learned. It was no new information, and yet it was a completely different way of looking at the same story. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for Celestia to go through what she did. A thousand years was a long time to stave off depression and despair. What does all that time do to a person’s mind? How can they see the world in the same way we mortals do? What must it be like to see generations rise and fall like waves on a beach? Who just thinks, ‘I want a town there’ and builds one? Apparently, Celestia.

“Is something bothering you?” The princess wondered.

“Pardon?”

“I may not be human, but I know a thoughtful look when I see one.” She explained.

“I see…” I scratched the back of my head. “I really don’t know how to ask this, but… about what you were just talking about… It seems kind of freaky to me. Don’t take it wrong, I’d trust you as my princess, of course. It’s just… What’s it like, being able to manipulate pony’s lives on such a grand scale?”

Celestia drew a sharp breath. She stared out the window for a few seconds and I was beginning to wonder if she wouldn’t answer. Then she said,

“Mark, I want you to listen very carefully.”

“Yes?”

“Metal is manipulated. It is dead, unresponsive, and will not yield unless overpowered. A flower, however, is nurtured. It is alive, tender, and will grow with or without the gardener’s permission. For all the thousands of years that Luna and I have walked this world, we know there is nothing more precious than a single life. I would never inflict my will, unwanted, on anyone. I will, however, strive every day to nurture their full potential.”

“It still sounds like a fine line, but perhaps I’m simply not wise enough to know the difference.” I bowed my head in a subtle gesture of apology.

“You may soon learn for yourself…” With the top of her hoof, Celestia lifted my chin until I was staring up into her face. “You bear an unusual name, Mark. Whether it is the name you were given or the name you chose for yourself is irrelevant. I feel that you, more than most, are driven by a powerful force. You are here for a reason. A great destiny brought you to this land. But in the end, it is up to you to decide what kind of mark you will leave on the world. I only hope that you will choose wisely.”

I remained frozen even when she took her hoof away. Her words meant more than their immediate translation. There was something beneath them, behind them, concealed under them that I couldn’t decipher. Did she know 'Mark' was a false name? Did she know how I had come to Equestria? Did she know about Earth?

Unfortunately, those questions wouldn’t be answered that night.

“It’s getting late. I won’t keep you any longer.” The princess turned and began walking down the dark hallway. “Have a good evening, Mark. Rest well.” She called lightly. And then she was gone.

I was left in the hall alone. The air was still once again. The storm continued to pelt the walls outside. It was as if Celestia had never been there at all. Like a ghost, I floated back into my room and sank into my bed. By morning, I had begun to wonder if I had really met with Celestia at all or if it was all some kind of lucid dream.

Her demeanor the next day didn’t prove one way or the other, either.

“Have a safe trip! Be sure to visit the palace whenever you find yourselves in Canterlot!” It was a brilliant crystal-clear morning with the sun shining brightly through a storm-scrubbed sky. The light danced like water off the glistening roves of the city and everywhere, ponies were reemerging from their homes. The princess escorted Spike and I to the front gates of the palace where she gave us a warm farewell.

“Or, you could visit us sometime!” Spike exclaimed. “Like, just stop by for lunch! And bring rubies! Please? Pleeease?”

“I would love to, Spike. I promise I’ll come soon. Today, however, I have to meet with Prince Blueblood.”

“Keep an eye out for that one.” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth.

“What was that, Mark?” Celestia smiled.

“I said, 'keep 'in touch I'll have fun'!" I grinned feebly. "Thank you for everything, princess. It was a pleasure. Perhaps someday we can meet again.”

“I’m sure we will, Mark. Thank you.” With a bow and a final farewell, Spike and I left the princess and the palace behind us.

“That was a lot of fun!” Spike declared as we neared the train station. “It was nice spending the night back home.”

“What? The library still doesn’t feel like home to you?” I asked.

“Eh, I have a hard time calling any place home that doesn’t serve frosted quartz for breakfast.”

“Ah, yes, ‘the way to a man’s heart’ and all that.”

“As if you’re one to talk. All princess Celestia had to say was ‘coffee’ and you were sold! But I think you enjoyed yourself, too.” Spike pointed a claw at me. “When you first came in with the princess, you were all like, ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am, your highness, your majesty’. But you finally loosened up.” The little dragon mocked my etiquette, straightening his back and tightening his shoulders like a little tin soldier. He even lowered his voice to mimic me.

“Who’s that supposed to be? It sounds nothing like me!” I shook my head.

"Does too!"

"All right, then, how about this?" I scrunched my voice until it was nice and gravely, "Hi, I'm Spike! I learned to talk from a guy named Ash Ketchum! Gotta catch 'em all! But I especially wanna catch Sableye! That one makes me hungry!" I would have continued, too, if my words didn't degenerate into an uncontrollable bought of coughing and hacking.

Spike and I checked our luggage, double-checked on Twilight’s book order, and stepped onto the train platform. Even the engine and cars looked fresher in the crisp morning light and clouds of pure white steam rose into the air. I looked behind me to get one last look at the towers of Canterlot and the palace above.

“Say goodbye to Canterlot. At least, for now.” Spike grinned up at the hazy view of the castle’s towers. “Oh! That reminds me, Mark, here. Princess Celestia wanted me to give this to you!” He reached into his bag and revealed a sealed scroll.

Confused, I gingerly took it and broke the ornate golden wax sealing it. Immediately, the paper rolled open and a single golden ticket fell into my hand. I looked at it for a long second. I didn’t even have to read the letter to know what it said.

“Awesome, Mark! It’s a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala! I guess this means you’re invited too, huh?”

“No. Really? I thought it was an invitation to the chocolate factory.” I continued regarding the stiff piece of gold-embossed paper in my palm.

“You’re so random sometimes. You should hang out with Pinkie Pie more.” Spike shook his head and hopped up into the passenger car.

I turned the ticket around and around in my fingers, a frothing mixture of thoughts sloshing between my ears. The ticket was an invitation, all right, but what kind of invitation was still a mystery. It could be utterly innocent, a friendly gesture, a hoof of peace. A warm welcome to the only human representative in Equestria. But, coming from Celestia, it could also be so much more. The token between my fingers could be a sign of something else entirely. A sign that Celestia was going to continue to play her great game and I was cordially invited to become a player.

With a glance back up at the palace, I tucked the ticket into my pocket and stepped onto the train.

Author's Note

A filler chapter? I guess you could call it that. Does it need editing? Probably. Did Mark skip over the whole thing about the amulet too easily? Don't worry, it's still on his mind. Does it expand upon Celestia's character and set the stage for a more intricate Equestria? I thought so.

It's just a quick exercise in 'what if'? What does immortality do to a person? How do they see the world? What do they value? How do they keep from becoming numb? I don't know exactly how deep Celestia and Mark's relationship will go, after all, bending the threads of destiny seems to be a unique ability both of them have as of this moment, but I think she's a fascinating addition to the world.

Also, special thanks to 4everfreebrony for inspiring the chapter's title. The lyrics in 'Chant of Immortality' are as haunting as they are beautiful.

Ch 7: Black and White

Chapter 7
Black and White

“You need to relax, Mark!”

“I am relaxed!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am.”

“Really?”

“You don’t believe me? Look at me: I’m as composed as a sonata. I’m as chill as a snowman on Pluto! I’m as tranquil as a zookeeper’s dart gun! If I get any more relaxed, I’m going to melt like a cat in the sun! Now turn on the scanner!”

“Just try taking a deep breath so that we know for sure!”

“Twilight Sparkle! I have never been so bloody relaxed!” I barked.

“Alrighy, then…” For some reason, she still looked doubtful.

Click!

Wiii-Bzzzt!

…

Twilight Sparkle and I stared at her vitagraph as it shorted out yet again. Neither of us were surprised, and yet both of us remained staring at the machine long after it fell silent. Finally, with a sound like a punctured bike tire, I released my held breath and shook my head.

“Well, that’s thirteen now.” With a resigned motion, Twilight turned off her scientific instrument. She furrowed her brow and glanced back at her blackboard.

The two of us were in the basement of the Golden Oak Library, a cool, cavernous subterranean storage area that Twilight Sparkle had quickly adopted as her new laboratory. To the untrained eye, it looked like a forest of Nixie tubes and Jacob’s ladders, but to a magic student, it was a candy store. Granted, the ‘resonance chamber’, ‘quantum abyss’ and ‘vitagraph’ were intimidating contraptions to a newcomer like myself, but the abundance of cluttered blackboards, magic equations and scrawled graphs that adorned the walls helped put me at ease. At least it looked like the purple unicorn knew what she was doing…

Keyword: ‘looked’.

“I just don’t understand.” Twilight muttered for the thirteenth time that day.

“And you’re sure it’s not the helmet? I still say it’s a little big for me.”

“It’s not the helmet.” She snapped. “It doesn’t need full skin contact.”

“If you say so.” I shrugged and pulled a device off my skull that was something akin to a satellite dish and a colander. I carefully set it down on a machine about as large and noisy as a washing machine and joined the unicorn as she perused my test results.

The vitagraph, according to the little scientist, was an invaluable magic instrument used not only for collecting data about a pony’s core magic ability (their soul), but the rate at which that energy effected the surrounding world (radiant aura). For some reason, Applejack had given me the day off, so I promptly invested it in what was quickly becoming my new passion, magic lessons. Unfortunately, this time with Twilight had hit an unexpected snag when she offered to let me ‘see’ my own magic potential on her device. Without going into too much detail, the process was about as fruitless and as frustrating as troubleshooting Wi-Fi.

“I just don’t understand…” Fourteenth. “According to these readings, you’re not technically alive.”

“Well, I’m not looking forward to breaking the news to my family.” I leaned far over her purple shoulder, partly to look at the thirteen second-long quips of data she had compiled and partly to prove that I certainly wasn’t dead.

“You’ve seem to have a strong soul, but the vitagraph is having trouble reading its polarity. And as for your aura, it’s completely negligible.”

“So, why does the crystal fuse keep popping?” I folded my arms. Twilight just stared at me and shook her head,

“That’s a safety so nopony can damage the calibrators, but it’s only supposed to go off if it’s overloaded with aura. And like I said,”

“Got it.” I scrunched up my face and sighed angrily. “No aura.”

“I just don’t understand…” If I had a bit for every time she said that…

Twilight leered at the graphs in front of her the way Fluttershy recently stared down that giant red dragon. The unicorn’s gaze nearly burnt through the paper as she willed them to yield whatever secrets she was missing. I was as frustrated as she was, but,

“Well, let’s take a break.” I finally said it. I had to say it. I was the only one who could say it. I knew that Twilight Sparkle was in problem-solving mode and even though it killed me to walk away from something so fascinating, I had to. I knew that the little magic student would sooner drive herself insane than step away from something she couldn’t understand. I. E. ‘It’s About Time’.

“What? Hey! Where are you going?”

“To take a pee!” I mounted the stairs and harshly yanked the top door open.

“You’re coming back, right? Right?”

“Come on, Twi. We need to clear our heads and you need some fresh air.” I shouted back.

Once up in the library, I paused as another pressurized sigh escaped me. I felt hot under the collar, restless, pent up, and I didn’t know why. I just felt irritable, which didn’t make any sense. Twilight Sparkle had been kind enough to donate her time and toys to helping me study magic and even though it felt as if we had just wasted two hours of our lives, there was hardly anything for me to be angry about.

I tried to let my stress wash down the drain as I relieved myself and then splashed cold water on my face. It helped a little bit, and as I readied my razor to shave, I had an extra moment to collect my imprudent emotions.

“Well, what were you expecting?” I asked my reflection quietly. “Did you really think magic was going to be easy? Did you really have your heart so set on being a splendid magic student that one little bump in the road is going to get under your skin like this?”

“You’re talking to yourself again.” The mirror replied. “You only do that when you’ve got something weighty on your mind.”

“Then you should be quiet, Mark.” I tried to focus on not cutting myself with the sharp metal blade.

“Oh, come on. Admit it. You’re worried about something.”

I had to confess, I was right. A road bump wasn’t anything unusual. In fact, life itself was nothing more than a series of road bumps. But this was more like a concrete blockade than a regular bump.

I had barely scratched the surface of magic yet, but I knew the general basics. A magician’s soul was the core of their being, filling their body with energy. With the proper training, talent, and genetics, a caster could push their life into the world around them and bend it or rewrite its rules. But the whole core of magic, the entire concept and science of it is based on that one thing, the rate at which energy from inside can get outside. And that rate was defined by your aura footprint. Something I evidently didn't have.

“Hey, it’s not like this is anything new.” Myself tried to comfort me. “You never had magic back home, so it’s not like you’ve lost anything not having it here, right? Sure, getting your hopes up like that hurts, but…”

“It’s not just that.” I reminded myself. I carefully cleaned my razor in the sink, taking special care not to get the bandages on my left arm wet. I stared at the cloth wrappings for a long time, remembering the painful burns they concealed.

‘Dragonshy’ had come only a couple days ago, taking myself and Ponyville by surprise. There was no question to it, I had to join the girls on their quest to confront the dragon, but I had done little to nothing to prepare myself beforehand. In haste, I spent almost all of my meager savings on a durable tent tarp that was advertised to be flame-proof, but I had no time or way to test that claim. I was terrified that the episode’s ‘real’ dragon would be a Smaug-esque titanic harbinger of flame and rage with an attitude to match, and that it would probably blow real fire instead of just smoke.

As it turned out, my tarp came in handy. Not just for dragging Fluttershy up the mountain side, but also for the moment of truth when the dragon, crimson as a bloody ruby and roaring like wildfire, unleashed his breath against us. As fate would have it, the dragon was in the middle of ‘smelting’, a period in a dragon’s life when they gorge themselves on minerals and then hibernate, burning off tones of soot and chaff so that their body digests only the purest elements. In the end, it didn’t blow fire, but the boiling hot gas that erupted from its jaws wasn’t much more merciful.

Because of my tarp, (and the fact that I was expecting the attack) Rarity got to keep her eyelashes, Rainbow Dash got to keep her feathers and even Twilight Sparkle got out of that situation unscathed, but Applejack, Pinkie Pie and I all received red badges of courage. Especially Pinkie. I got burned up my left arm and Applejack got a couple hot spots on ‘Bucks McGee’, but Pinkie Pie got not-so-pink spots on all four legs and an ear. And things would have gotten much worse if Fluttershy hadn’t been so brave back then.

I groaned for the hundredth time as I looked at the bandages I wore.

“Without magic, I’m just… human.” And in this world, just being human wasn’t going to cut it. Unfortunately, everything I had learned about magic and everything Twilight’s machine was telling me implied that humans weren’t built for magic.

I clenched my fist and bit my tongue in silent frustration as my skin began to tingle once more. Again, I had only been studying magic for a couple days total, Twilight was doing everything she could to help me, and her machine was giving inconclusive results, not negative ones. So, why did I still feel like there was a nest of hot ants running around under my skin?

“I need a stress reliever.” I told my reflection. My reflection nodded to I in understanding.

“Well, just find something you love doing. Something calming. What did you usually do to relax back home?” The answer was simple; go on a walk. There was a nice route around my neighborhood that I used to take all the time with my dog. It even had a serene jot through the local woods. I absolutely loved it and it always made me feel better.

Well, Equestria had plenty of space, it had trails, it had lovely scenery, and it had a forest. Only one problem, it wasn’t just any forest. It was THE forest. The place that ‘just ain’t natural!’

The place where plants grow,

Animals care for themselves,

And the clouds move,

All on their own!

“Well, that’s odd. It almost sounds… normal.” Right then and there, I decided I could use a little normal nature for a change. Forget the cragadyles, I would have to explore the Everfree someday and it might as well be that day.

I spun on my heel, flung open the bathroom door and marched straight for the library’s exit. In the next instant, I reached back into the bathroom, snatched my razor off the edge of the sink and slid it into my pocket.

Couldn’t hurt to be careful, though…

Pretty soon, I was standing on the abrupt boarder between the valley of Ponyville and the Everfree forest. The trees stood like a wall of sentinels, challenging anyone audacious enough to invade their realm. Armed with only a canteen, my razor and my lantern, I swallowed cautiously and ducked into the forest’s shady twilight.

Immediately, the air grew hushed, the wind became tranquil and the radiant sunlight was reduced to slender rays, like fingers, reaching through the boughs. I kept my eyes wide and my ears sharp, but despite my apprehension, the Everfree forest was blanketed in a sense of serenity that I couldn’t help but fall under. Everything, from the leaves basking on the branches to the flecks of dust hanging in the air, felt still. It was as if the plants, the soil and even the rocks were holding their breath.

It took mine away.

The last time I had been in this forest, I was under-dressed, unprepared, and still reeling from the fact that I had been dropped (literally) in the middle of a world that wasn’t supposed to exist in the first place. In the daylight, and with shoes on my feet, it felt like a completely different world. Before I knew it, I was wandering contentedly along the banks of a giggling brook, a soft smile on my face. The trees, the flowers, and the undergrowth were all alien species, but they flourished with each other, forming such a natural scene that I forgot that I wasn’t on Earth. The forest was like a living hall with pillars of wood and a roof of green stained glass. It was dangerously peaceful and purged my stress in the same way cold water purges thirst.

“Perhaps I should have told Twilight where I was going.” I thought to myself, sitting placidly next to the brook. “Or perhaps I should have invited her to come with me. After all, she’d probably enjoy this place as much as I. After she gets over all the lore and superstition, of course.” Well, that would come with time. After all, after meeting Zecora the zebra, Twilight supposedly made regular trips through the Everfree forest.

“Yeah, but don’t forget, she also had a bad run-in with a cockatrice in ‘Stare Master’.” God forbid if that one nagging fear in the back of my mind ever fell silent and just let me enjoy the moment.

“Perhaps this forest isn’t as bad as everypony says. The ever-present possibility of mountain lions never kept me off the hiking trails back home, right?”

I glanced up at the lazily-drifting clouds above and let my eyes stare off into the realm of memories. I missed home. That didn’t mean that I wanted to go back, mind you, I wouldn’t trade this adventure for the world. But I did wish I could contact my family. Let them know I was all right. I didn’t know what was happening back on Earth. Had I simply vanished from my life? Was time still marching forward? Did they miss me?

I missed them.

With a shake of my head, I tried to change my train of thought to something more enjoyable. It wouldn’t do myself or my family any good for me to fall into a melancholy. I had to focus on the good things. For example, my family would have loved to come on this walk today. They were really into outdoors and every year we tried to find a new favorite camp site or reclusive sliver of paradise. Especially my dad and my brother. They were both into boy scouts and loved camping, hiking, and even fishing. In fact, the river at my feet would be a perfect fishing spot. My eyes drifted down to the brook where little trout were pecking bugs off the surface of the water. In spite of myself, my mouth began watering.

“Fiiissshhheeessss…” That was probably my best King Sombra impression yet. Immediately, my mind began formulating a way to catch a couple. Here in the forest, there was plenty of wood and I had ways of starting a fire. My razor could clean them perfectly. Just the thought of a couple plump trout, skewered over a fire with their oily skin sizzling like butter was enough to drive me crazy. Even a mouthful of their flaky meat would be utterly rapturous. Subconsciously, my tongue ran along the blade of my teeth.

Nopony would know.

Slap!

My own hand leapt up like a snake and struck me across the cheek.

“No! Bad Mark!” I scolded. “No meat, remember?” All the stress that I had just offloaded came flooding back. I obviously couldn’t eat any animals in Equestria, and yet over the past couple weeks, it had slowly occupied more and more of my thoughts. There should have been no question about it, every animal in this world was sentient and thus, there was no way to justify killing them. The cows talked, the squirrels would greet you in the morning, the mice had little families in their holes and even the goram spiders would smile and hand you flowers!

And yet, I kept trying to find ways to kill and eat. My thoughts were shameful, but they were a primal instinct growing stronger every day.

“No, no and no!” With a huff, I pulled myself to my feet and marched away from the water, away from the temptation. There would be no forgiveness from the ponies if they ever found out I was a carnivore. Twilight would probably treat me like another fascinating lab experiment, but the others would just see me as some kind of monster. Rarity especially would think I’m a bloody barbarian, Applejack wouldn’t let me near Apple Bloom ever again and Fluttershy? Oh, God, Fluttershy… She would be traumatized to find out I could eat all her forest friends. Even now, I could picture the look of shock and fear on her face. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. Even more than the pain in my stomach, I couldn’t live with myself for hurting Fluttershy like that.

All of Ponyville would probably just throw me to the timberwolves. It would be a fitting fate for a predator like me.

So engrossed in my thoughts was I that I didn’t realize there was a large creature moving through the forest underbrush until I was right on top of it. My eyes snapped out of their daydream and my brain shot a wad of adrenaline into my veins as I heard something shuffling behind a bush. Within a splintered second, I vanished behind a sturdy tree trunk and froze. Through the cover of the branches and twigs, I could see a large brown shape pause and then lift its head as if listening. It looked like nothing else I had ever seen on Earth or on the show. For a moment, I and the creature waited, unsure of who had seen who first. I slipped my hand into my pocket and fingered my razor. Then, the figure spoke,

“Of your presence, I’m well aware.

Must I yet ask, ‘who is there’?”

“… Zecora?” Grinning with relief and confusion, I slowly stepped out from behind my cover. Sure enough, everypony’s favorite zebra was standing opposite me with her cloak pulled protectively over her head. I couldn’t see much of her face because of her hood, but her posture was erect and wary. I immediately tried to put her at ease and assure her that I wasn’t a foe,

“Good morning, Zecora!” Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. “How are you doing today?”

“Alas, new things I always find.

I’ve not yet seen one of your kind.

You seem polite, I can say at least.

It’s obvious you’re not a common beast.” Zecora’s frown of confusion quickly melted into a confident grin.

“Well, thank you for saying so?” I laughed. “No, I don’t blame you for not seeing a human before. I think I’m the only one around here. I guess you can relate, huh? Anyway, I’m Mark. Nice to meet you.”

“It’s not often I talk to someone new.

Thus, it is a pleasure for me to meet you too.

My name is Zecora, but it carries not much fame,

So pray tell, how did you already know my name?”

Busted!

“Hm? Oh, I just figured since you were the only zebra around, that you’d have to be Zecora. I mean, I just recently moved to Ponyville, and they all know who you are.” Man, I hadn’t even realized that I had made such a big blunder until she pointed it out.

At the mention of Ponyville, my new friend lowered her gaze and began kicking at the dirt.

“Very well. So I see.

I guess a reputation precedes me.”

Her black hoof pawed restlessly at the ground. I watched her for a moment silently. Apparently, this was still before the episode ‘Bridle Gossip’, so Zecora was still treated like a stranger and an outcast to Ponyville. Which was too bad, because she was actually a great character, and full of forgiveness considering that she was eventually going to be accused of cursing everypony. I wanted to encourage her, so I said,

“Hey, now, don’t let it get under your skin.

Just take your frustration and pop it with a pin.

They’ll soon befriend you, I’ll even bet.

They just haven’t had that friendship lesson yet.” In spite of myself, I found rhymes dribbling out of my mouth. Rather than taking this as mockery or insult, however, Zecora actually laughed,

“I hope your words will soon come true.

But is my speech really wearing off on you?” She asked. I laughed at myself as well,

“Can’t blame me for growing up on Dr. Seuss.

I guess rhyming’s just really fun to use.

Um… Hold on a moment…” I had to pause to come up with the next part. “Ok, how about,

But the biggest question of all time,

Is why do you insist on speaking rhyme?”

Zecora smiled and held her hoof to her lips knowingly.

“Ah, that’s a piece of good advice.

Before I speak, I must think twice.”

“Oh… Ok. That’s actually really cool.” I nodded in understanding.

“It’s nice to hear you say so, for a change.

Most others merely think it’s strange.” Her cloaked eyes glanced ever so slightly back at Ponyville. I spoke up.

“Hey, if you’re talking about Ponyville,

Don’t let it get to you, they mean no ill.

I mean, I’m a creature as strange as they come,

But they gave me quite a warm welcome.

I don’t understand their apprehension,

But I’ll talk to them, every one.

Show them they have nothing to fear,

No reason to hide when you come near.

Just hold on a little, just you wait,

They’ll come through, more sooner than late.”

Zecora lifted her eyebrows and nodded approvingly,

“I’ve not given up hope, I never would.

But I must say, your poem was rather good.”

“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from, either.” I shrugged sheepishly.

“You seem a gentleman, if ever I’ve met one,

And you’ve lifted my spirits like the high noon sun.

If ever you’d like to visit me,

I live by the river in the twisted tree.”

This reminded me of something, so I held up a finger and explained,

“Actually, I’m rather glad that we crossed paths.

See, recently we met a dragon’s wrath.” I tugged at my bandages to show Zecora the swollen skin underneath,

“Most of the heat was deflected,

But I fear the wound may yet get infected.

So do you have a remedy,

To cure the damaged skin on me?

I especially ask for my friends,

See, there’s this one who bounces to no end.

She won’t let the wound get closed,

Unless with tranquilizers she gets hosed. (Ok, that one was pretty bad.)

I wonder if a potion I could buy,

To help heal even Pinkie Pie.”

After a careful examination at the damaged area, Zecora nodded reassuringly up at me.

“Aloe laced with an icy seal,

Will quickly cause this wound to heal.

I can make some from the elmhorst nut,

I have a couple in my hut.

But I fear this conversation cannot last.

I hear a number of ponies, approaching fast.”

“A number of ponies?” I wondered, temporarily lapsing out of the rhyme. “In the Everfree forest? Why would they dare to come-” And… cue epiphany moment! “Zecora! Is this your first time visiting town since the Nightmare Moon incident?”

“What is the meaning of your quiz?

What happens if I say it is?”

“Then that means-” I turned in the general direction of Ponyville just as the forest was filled with Applejack’s angry shout,

“Apple Bloom!?”

Zecora and I looked back down the meandering trail towards Ponyville to see a little red-headed filly freeze in her tracks. Sure enough, Apple Bloom had crept up on the two of us while we were chatting and now she was frozen as if King Midas had given her a bear hug. Her large eyes went wide as she found herself trapped between the dreaded Zecora and the rapidly-approaching stampede of Ponyville ponies. Surrounding her hooves was a veritable sea of neon blue plants.

“Wait! Girls!” I held up my hands in a desperate gesture to stop them, but it was too late. Apple Bloom at least had the good sense to walk on the footpath that Zecora had taken, but the rest of the M6 were plowing through the forest undergrowth like Spanish bulls in the San Fermin Festival. Zecora and I both winced at the sight of blue leaves being kicked up into the air.

“You get back here right now!” Applejack scolded, frustration and worry lacing her voice.

“Beware! Beware, you pony folk!

Those leaves of blue are not a joke!” But Zecora’s warning fell on deaf ears. Instead, it only seemed to raise the tension,

“Y-you keep your creepy mumbo-jumbo to yourself, ya hear?” Applejack protectively scooped her little sister up onto her back while the other ponies adopted defensive and hostile postures. Even Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had landed in the Poison Joke just so that they could paw restlessly at the ground.

“Yeah! Was that supposed to scare us?”

“Wicked zebra-”

“-In a big, tasty stew!!”

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie proceeded to make angry pony noises while Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy stood silently by. It was clear that this ‘conversation’ was going nowhere fast, so I turned to Zecora and said,

“Thank you for a pleasant afternoon.

I truly think I’ll see you soon.”

She merely nodded, keeping her eyes on the tiny mob still shouting at her.

“Beware! Beware!” She repeated, retreating into the embrace of the forest.

“Yeah! Back at ya, Zecora!” Rainbow Dash spat, “You and your lame curses are the ones who better beware!”

“And you!” AJ finally turned pleadingly to Apple Bloom, “Why couldn’t you just listen to yer big sister?”

“I… I…” The little filly opened her mouth, but no words came out.

“Hey, be nice, Applejack. You’re scaring her.”

“An’ she should be scared!” The earth pony was strangely zealous, but then again, she always was when it came to protecting her family. “Apple Bloom, who knows what kind of nasty curse Zecora could have just put on you!”

“Just like in my song!” The latest hit from Pinkie Pie began to play on an endless loop.

“Mark? What in Equestria are you doing all the way out here anyways?” Twilight Sparkle spoke up.

“And hanging out with Zecora, too!” Rainbow Dash leveled her eyes like daggers at me. I opened my hands in a helpless gesture.

“I wanted to go on a relaxing walk,

And I found somepony to share a pleasant talk.

I’ll admit, she might look like an odd one,

But besides that, she’s really quite fun.” I flashed a quick grin, but instead of lightening up the mood, my diddy had the opposite effect. Seven pairs of pony pupils dilated and stared at me as if a zebra had just crawled out of my mouth.

“Now you’re talkin’ creepy too!?” Applejack’s jaw dropped.

“Zecora got him!” Rainbow Dash squeaked. “She put a curse on Mark!

“What!? No! I just think paired-up words are fun to make…

But I’ll admit it’s a hard habit for me to break.”

“You guys, there’s no such thing as curses!” Twilight insisted.

“Or maybe they’re partners!” The blue pegasus kicked up a fresh batch of leaves as she leered suspiciously at me. So much for her fabled loyalty. One-by-one, her accusing expression spread to faces of the other ponies.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Knock it off, guys! Look, it’s me!” I shrugged helplessly. “Seriously, though, the only curse around here is the curse of ignorance that you’ve all inflicted on yourselves. The only one who hasn’t caught the ‘bigotry bug’ is the one pony who’s too young to take everything at face value and that’s Apple Bloom!”

“So why did you come out here today, huh?” Dash asked pointedly.

“You must admit, dear, it looks rather suspicious.” Rarity agreed.

They got me there. The ponies probably wouldn’t understand if I told them that I had come to the spooky Everfree forest for the scenery. And I certainly couldn’t tell them that I was looking to be alone with my thoughts or find something to eat. As I turned this over in my head, my moment of hesitation was enough to ignite the spark of suspicion seeded in each of the girl’s minds. In their eyes I could see them looking at me in the same way they looked at Zecora. Angry and afraid. I gestured at Apple Bloom,

“I was doing the same thing she was. I got curious about this place, so I wanted to find out more about it. I was investigating! By the way, that’s a good thing you did, Apple Bloom, kudos to your bravery.”

“Don’t go encouragin’ her, Mark!” Applejack scolded.

“But she was here when I ran into Zecora! She can prove that I met Zecora by accident and that we’re not partners or anything like that. She’s really a nice lady, after all, and I’m ashamed of you girls for acting so beastly towards her.”

“Apple Bloom?” AJ looked back at her little sister. The filly flinched.

“Well… they were talking about makin’ potions…” And that sealed it. In the pony’s minds, I was officially in cahoots with the town spook.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Apple Bloom…” I muttered.

“Twilight! What are we gonna do with him?” Rainbow Dash asked, “What if he’s a spy that Zecora sent to Ponyville? What if he’s just her puppet? What if Zecora made him out of her magic and that’s why he’s the only human we’ve ever seen!?”

“… And if you look deep in her eyes, she’ll put you in trances!” Pinkie Pie continued like a broken record. Aside from her squeaky voice, an uncomfortable silence fell over the scene. I groaned and pleaded,

“I don’t know what to tell you, Dash. All I can say is what if you’re wrong? What if this is all a mistake and I’m not under any curse and I’m exactly who I say I am? What do you want me to do?”

“Prove it!” The cyan pegasus said definitely.

I cast around in my mind for a way out of the situation, but my search results came back empty. Ideas were nasty things if you found yourself on the narrow-minded spectrum of things and here I was, cornered with mounting evidence against me. And tomorrow, when all the ponies woke up ‘cursed’ and I remained unaffected, things would only get worse.

That’s when the latest of my notoriously bad ideas was born. I looked at each of the ponies with a flat expression, held my hands out in surrender, and fell backwards into the poison joke.

“Um…” Twilight Sparkle looked down at me uncertainly.

“Mark, whatever has possessed you? Think about the fabric!” Rarity balked.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Rainbow Dash asked suspiciously.

“Weed.” I stared up through the tree branches. “I’m chilling out, and apparently I’m not the only one who needs to do so. You all need to dial it back, reevaluate this situation, and drop your misconceptions before you get all the facts. And if you can’t do that, then I might as well just stay here.” I flapped my arms and legs for effect, making a poison angel.

“Get up you big filly.” Dash shook her head.

“Indeed, this is very immature.” Rarity agreed.

“He’s got a point, though.” Twilight Sparkle spoke up. “My magic, real magic, comes from within. It’s a skill you’re born with. Curses are artificial, fake magic. It’s conjured with potions and incantations; all smoke and mirrors meant to scare. But curses have no real power. They’re just an old pony tale.”

One-by-one, the ponies looked at each other and slowly turned back towards Ponyville. The tension was still in the air, and Rainbow Dash still kept an eye locked on my every move, but at least we were getting out of the forest. The location wasn’t helping put anypony at ease.

“Just you wait, Twilight.” Applejack warned, “You’re gonna learn that some pony tales really are true…”

Nopony spoke during the walk back to town. They were all lost in their own thoughts, glancing around nervously at the shady forest or at the ‘cursed’ human. I decided to keep my mouth shut for the time being and tread lightly until this episode wrapped up. I’d never seen my friends this nervous before and I wouldn’t have ever expected them to take their fear out on me the way they did. I pulled a blue leaf out of my collar and regarded it thoughtfully.

Despite my interference, the show was still on track. Apple Bloom hadn’t touched any of the blue leaves thanks to her big sister. (A horse riding a horse! So wrong! It’s unnatural!) But everypony else had been thoroughly exposed to the ivy-like plant. My skin felt oily everywhere the leaves had touched and I smelled faintly like greasy hair. What I couldn’t deduce, however, was how the rest of the episode would play out. Originally, the moral of the story was ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, but that was before I was accused of being born from a zebra’s magic cauldron. Now it was more like ‘the perils of paranoia, gossip, and jumping to conclusions’. I figured I’d just have to wing it like everything else.

There were still a couple things troubling me, though, but I waited until I was alone with Twilight before asking them.

“So, do you have any idea what’s going on?” I asked pointedly as the door to the Golden Oak Library closed behind me. “Are all the ponies mad?”

“They’re just superstitious. I’m sure Zecora didn’t put a curse on us.”

“That’s fine, but that’s not what I meant. I just don’t see how a place as famously hospitable as Ponyville can alienate Zecora like that. Can you imagine how frustrating that must be for her?”

“Well, as a human, I guess you wouldn’t see it, but there’s something about Zecora that’s just… off.” Twilight said helplessly. “I don’t know how to explain it, but everything about her gives ponies the chills.”

“Can’t you at least try and explain it?” I leaned against a low table. “You’re the scientific one, after all.”

“Well, for starters, her skull shape. There’s something wrong with the muzzle. And her mane looks more like broom bristles than hair. I’m with you, I think everypony is getting worked up over nothing, but I can see how these rumors started. She’s just unsettling to look at.”

“And yet I’ve got a pointy nose and a bird’s nest on my head and nopony bats an eye.”

“Yeah, but we know you.”

“Doesn’t Zecora deserve the same chance?”

“I don’t know. But I guess that’s up to her. She can come meet us whenever she’s ready to leave the Everfree forest.”

“She tried that.” I said dryly. “Everypony pretended they were closed for the day.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Mark. But until we know for sure who she is and what she wants, I’d recommend avoiding Zecora for now. Even if just for your image.”

I snorted dismissively. After all that, the only concrete thing the ponies knew about Zecora was that she was ‘unsettling’. But perhaps it made more sense that way. They were fine with minotaurs, dragons and humans visiting town, but zebras? Madness! Perhaps it had something to do with the ‘uncanny valley’ theory. That Zecora was similar to other ponies, but alien enough that the other equines felt an instinctive wariness whenever they saw her. For example, 99 out of 100 humans will say that a baby gorilla is cuter than a baby human with a cleft palate. (And the last one is probably the poor kid’s mother.) A gorilla for crying out loud! It’s got an old grandpa face at only a day old! Yet, there’s just something about a cleft palate that immediately sets off uncomfortable feelings in a human’s brain. Perhaps it’s the same story between ponies and zebras.

Thoughts like these and the overwhelming apprehension for the next day’s events made it almost impossible to fall asleep that night. I was leery about how the ponies were going to react after getting ‘cursed’ and I myself had no idea of what special trick the poison joke had in store for me. All I could do was try to rest up and brace myself for tomorrow, but my sleep was far from peaceful. I think I burnt about 1,000 calories tossing and turning and a series of confusing dreams surrounded me like a flock of attacking birds. It was almost a relief to wake up.

Almost.

“Ughhhh...” I sighed, peeling my eyes open. The oily feeling from the poison joke was gone, but my head was fuzzy and my throat felt tight. I swallowed and was just about to rub the crusites out of my eyes when I remembered what episode I was in. I snapped my eyes open as my brain revved into high gear.

I was laying on my back, in my bed, in Twilight Sparkle’s house. So far, so good. Yes, at least my eyes were working. Hearing? Yes, I still had hearing, I could tell the birds outside were whistling cheerfully. What’s next? Limbs? Yes, I had all my limbs, but the sheets felt a little odd. (Even in the middle of my experiment, I had a passing impression that this must be what it’s like for the Doctor every time he regenerates.) Now, about those crusties in my eyes. I cautiously lifted up a hand to brush away the eye boogers, but the appendage that snaked up out of the sheets wasn’t the supple arm I had grown so fond of. It was stubby and capped with tiny digits.

“Yaugh!” I squeaked. Then I realized that I squeaked! “Is that my voice!? Is that MY voice?” The little arm came up to my neck as if it could feel sound. My neck! It was gone! No… It wasn’t gone; it was just as thin as a pencil. I tried to leap out of bed only to find that it was much larger than I remembered. And much higher.

“Yalp!” With the large sheets clinging to me like seaweed, I tumbled to the floor. Battling my bedspread every step of the way, I scrambled over to a mirror. What I saw staring back at me was a little cartoon character about two and a half heads high with massive eyes and a tiny mouth.

“I’m chibi!?” I squealed. The little divot I had for a mouth fell open in surprise.

“… my horn!” Apparently, Twilight had just woken up too. “She cursed my horn!” I kicked off the last of my sheets and ran out into the library. This in itself wasn’t as easy as it used to be, either, thanks to the fact that the place was proportionally bigger than it used to be. And I now had a bloated head to contend with. I had just reached the foot of Twilight’s stairs when the crazed purple unicorn came flying down, barreling me over and knocking me halfway across the library.

“Mark!?” She asked uncertainly. I pulled myself to my pinprick feet.

“Now in fun size!” I checked myself for injuries, but my little body was surprisingly durable. “Rough night?”

“You too? Look what happened to my horn!” Sure enough, the unicorn’s once proud ivory protrusion was now covered in tiny blue spots and was, well, flaccid. I’m sorry, but there was really no other way to describe it.

“Morning…” Spike appeared at the top of the stairs, rubbing his eyes. “What’s all the noise for?” His eyes went wide when he saw the state Twilight and I were in. He looked at us for a while before smiling and turning towards his bed. The smile vanished. “Well, this is all pretty neat, but if I’m still dreaming, then isn’t there supposed to be a hoard of gems beside my bed?”

“It’s not a dream, Spike! Something terrible’s happened to us!” Twilight tried to explain. The dragon came down and measured himself against my new height. I was just as tall as he was if you measured from the top of his scales and the top of my anime hair.

“I don’t know, this looks pretty cool to me…” He poked Twilight’s horn and watched it bounce around limply. “Hee hee!”

“This isn’t funny, Spike! Now focus! I need to find an explanation for what’s happened to us. And are these two symptoms related?” The purple pony reared up and charged straight for her bookshelves. I glanced over at Spike.

“So, uh… I grab the ladder, you grab the books?”

“Deal.” The little dragon and I knocked knuckles before throwing ourselves into action.

The librarian tore into her collection like Link in a pottery house, but without her magic, there was only so much searching she could do. Spike and I did our best to help, but as the frustration mounted and the panic grew, we grew no closer to finding an ‘answer’. (I put that in quotation marks because I obviously knew what was going on and I even knew the cure. The tricky part was trying to appear just as concerned as Twilight without giving myself away. Watching her nuzzle open books while her horn flopped around like an oversized fishing lure was almost too hilarious to bear.)

“No. No. No, no, no! None of these books have any clues!” The purple pony galloped around with her horn slapping her bangs. “There has to be a real reason for this! An illness? An allergy?”

“A curse!” Spike suddenly looked up from a book as he recalled the enigmatic zebra that had haunted town yesterday. Twilight shot him an exasperated look.

“I said a real reason. Something that points to something real.”

“Just to clarify,” I chirped, “you don’t think curses are real?”

“Of course not! That’s just ignorant thinking!” She huffed. “Ponies are afraid of what they don’t understand, so when it comes to superstitions, they’ll believe anything.” I buried my mouth in a book as large as me and muttered,

“Sure. Just remember that when your brother becomes Chrysalis’s puppet...”

“What did you say, Mark?” My large eyes went even wider as the unicorn whirled around on me. I was just about to give a half-baked answer, but Spike came to my rescue,

“How about this one?” The little dragon held out a veridian-green field guide. Twilight Sparkle squinted critically at the title.

“Supernaturals? Spike, the word ‘supernatural’ refers to things like ghosts and spirits and zombies, which are as make-believe as curses. This book is just a bunch of hooey!”

“Now hold your horses!” I lifted a tiny finger. “As soon as you say that something is impossible, you only set yourself up to be proven wrong.” And I would have said that with more gravity had I not sounded like a chipmunk at the time. “You have to keep an open mind about everything!”

“Yeah, what if you’re wrong, Twilight?” Spike shrugged. “What if this really is a-”

“Ah pf-f-furse!” Pinkie Pie appeared in the doorway, desperately trying to shout around a tongue that was as big and puffy as her tail.

“A purse?” Spike scrunched up his face. “How could it be a purse?”

“Pinkie?” Twilight Sparkle stared in shock at the large blue-spotted muscle hanging out of her friend’s mouth. “What happened?”

“Pii pah Zthecorah! Sthee put a cuthe om mii!” The harder she tried to speak, the more Pinkie’s tongue flapped around. The more it flapped around… the grosser things got for her audience.

“Augh! Hey, say it, don’t spray it, Pinkie!” Spike recoiled as a thick spray of saliva flew through the air and pelted him. I giggled squirrel-ishly at him while I protected myself under my book like an umbrella.

Whump!

“What was that?” Twilight looked up in alarm as the entire library shook. I glanced out the window just in time to see Rainbow Dash smash herself against the glass.

“Ow! She’s, oof! Trying to say-ow! Zecora- Oh! She slapped us all with a-ow curse!” The pegasus bumped and knocked herself against the outside of the library like a drunken fly until she finally managed to find the front door. With an unexpected jolt of speed, she careened over our heads and collided with the ladder Spike and I had been using.

“Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?” I ran over to her. At the sound of my rubber ducky-esque voice, RD looked up at me in surprise.

“Mark? What the heck happened to you?”

“Same thing that’s happened to all of us, it seems.”

“She cursed you to be adorable? That’s funny. You’re so short! What’s it like not being the tallest guy in the room anymore, huh?” My face went blank as I stared down at the tangle of limbs and ladder at my feet.

“It’s not as bad as you’d think. For one thing, I can sing nightcore without any artificial effects. Tell me, what’s it like losing your inner ear? Or wearing a ladder for a dress?”

“Oh, ha ha. Get me out of here, would ya? This curse is the worst!”

“I’m afraid I have to agree…” Rarity’s voice came from the direction of the front door, but when I looked over, all I saw was Fluttershy and Cousin Itt.

“Augh!” Spike and Twilight Sparkle both winced in surprise. Out of all the transformations, Rarity’s was the most dramatic. She looked like a snowplow had just tossed her on the side of the road. I nudged Spike and whispered,

“What’s the matter, Spike Not the way you pictured Rarity with her hair down?” I grinned slyly at the little dragon.

“Mark! Don’t say that out loud!” His face went red.

“I hate to say I told ya so, Twilight, but I told ya so!” Finally, Apple Bloom came in behind Rarity and Fluttershy with her now-miniscule big sister riding on her back. (Yeesh! Talk about role reversal!) As happy as I was to not be the smallest person in the room anymore, I was a little preoccupied shoving Rainbow Dash’s head through a ladder rung to enjoy it.

“It’s a curse, I tells ya!” Call me slow, but it was only at this moment when I realized that Applejack’s hat had shrunk along with her. For that matter, so had my own pajamas. Funny, the things that one doesn’t notice when one is suddenly turned kawaii.

“But Fluttershy… seems just fine!” Even as Twilight Sparkle spoke, her eyes were running up and down the yellow pegasus to make sure. Of course, there would be no visible indication that the quiet pony had suddenly switched voices with Blu Mankuma.

“Yes, there doesn’t seem to be a thing wrong with her.” Rarity had to lift the hair out of her eyes to get a proper view.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight asked cautiously. “Are you okay?” Silence. “Is there something wrong with you?” A nod. “Would you care to tell us?” A wince. “So, you’re not going to tell us?” A nod. “Yes, you’re not, of yes, you will?” A shake.

Fortunately, little Applejack had a temper as short as she was,

“Good gravy, girl! What’s wrong with you!?” Fluttershy looked down in surprise at her friend before finally shying away and admitting,

“I don’t want to talk about it…” More than a couple jaws dropped in surprise. Even I almost burst out laughing like Woody Woodpecker. Spike lost it,

“Hahahahaha! This is hilarious! Hehaha! Look at all of you! We got ‘Harity’, ‘Rainbow Crash’, ‘Spitty Pie’, ‘Apple Teeny’, ‘Flutterguy’, and-” He pointed at me,

“-Don’t say it-”

“’Cutie Mark’! And…” He looked up at Twilight. “… uh… I got nothin’. Twilight Sparkle, I mean seriously. I can’t even work with that.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Twilight’s laughter was as dry as the Sahara. “This is no joke, Spike. Now start looking for more books so I can find a cure!” Spike obediently stopped laughing, but I could still see his lips curling in a smirk.

With a twist and one last shove, I freed Rainbow Dash from her makeshift yolk. She leapt up into the air, wobbling dangerously as she tried to hover.

“Thanks.” She admitted. “And I’m sorry for saying you were Zecora’s minion yesterday, Mark.”

“Oh? Why the apology?”

“Well, if you were working with that creep, then there’s no way she would shrink you!” Success! My little plan with the poison joke had been worth it after all! The plus side was that the ponies didn’t think I was possessed by the witch doctor any more. The down side was that now they were even more convinced it was a curse.

“Well, thanks for saying I’m not a minion. Though, now with my size, all I’d need is some yellow body paint and I could go to work for Gru.”

“You’re so weird. But at least today you’re cute weird.” The pegasus listed dangerously to the right and accelerated directly into an unyielding wall. The force of her collision was enough to shake leaves off the roof of the library.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I hollered at her. “You obviously can’t fly, so stop trying before you finally crash into something tougher than you!”

“It doesn’t work that way! There’s less stuff to crash into up here…” Watching the pegasus reminded me of the time my little sister got one of those indoor helicopters for Christmas. Let’s just say that on that day, she proved she was not a pilot. And the ceiling fan was never the same after that…

“Trust me, Mark, it’s better if she stays away from any hard surfaces. Including the ground.” Rarity explained. “Suffice to say that once we sort this out, I’ll need to reassemble the tiles in my walkway…”

“I think we’ll find a cure to this curse at Zecora’s place!” Rainbow Dash declared.

“It’s not a curse!” Twilight Sparkle stuck to her original theory, but after seeing the collection of Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not entrants gathered in her library, her conviction had begun to waver.

“I agree with Dash!” Apple Teeny piped up, “We’ll go to Zecora’s and force her to remove this hex!”

“It’s not a hex either!” With the frustration mounting, everypony began trying to talk over the others. The sounds of crashing, squeaking, droning, bouncing, spitting and warbling choked the air, rendering conversation useless.

In the midst of the chaos, nopony noticed when I accidentally locked eyes with Apple Bloom. She had been silent during this whole scene, poised between her own helplessness and the idea that she was somehow responsible for the whole mess. I maneuvered over to where she was standing and asked,

“Hey, are you ok?”

“This is all my fault!” The little filly bit her lip uncertainly.

“Objection!” Phoenix Wright mode: on. “Do you know why we’re like this?”

“Well… no?”

“Then how can it be your fault? The first step to solving this is to get every side of the story, but to do that, we need to meet Zecora. She might have an idea of what’s going on.” My slim shoulders shrugged. “And everypony is too scared to actually go talk to her!”

“You mean, talk to Zecora? Did your brain shrink too? Look what she did to y’all!” Apple Bloom objected. I shook my head, but the motion almost knocked me over,

“Call me crazy, but my impression of Zecora yesterday was that she was a healer, not a hexer. If she did curse us, then we need to know her reasons. If she didn’t, then she’ll most likely want to help.”

“But everypony says she-”

“Out of everypony in Ponyville, who’s actually spoken with her? Hm?”

“Good point…” Apple Bloom mused. “An’ if y’all were workin’ for Zecora, then why would she curse you too?”

“All we have to do is follow the river to find her house, but if this shouting keeps up, things are going to quickly get out of hoof!”

Yeah, my hints were far from subtle, but at least I said what needed to be said. My conversation ended abruptly when Apple Bloom and I dove out of the way of a kamikaze Rainbow Dash. By the time I got back up, the little filly had quietly snuck to the edge of the room and vanished out the front door. The only other pony to see her go was Applejack, who surreptitiously hijacked a ride in her little sister’s red tail.

“I don’t care what you say, Twilight. It’s time to pony up and confront Zecora! Come on, girls. Are you with me?” Rainbow Dash finally rose, metaphorically and literally, over the surrounding din.

“Ah ammpht!” Pinkie Pie conceded.

“And I as well.” The giant mop agreed.

“Uh… I don’t know. Seems awfully dangerous.” Fluttershy’s timid words rumbled. Spike found this amusing.

“How about you, Applejack? Applejack?” Rainbow Dash looked around for the little orange mare.

“Pthee’s gong!” Pinkie Pie gasped and almost choked herself on her tongue.

“Ah! Or somepony stepped on her!” Everypony instinctively checked the bottom of their shoes.

“… Or sat on her?” Twilight fretted. Immediately, all flanks were lifted and thoroughly checked. (Not by me, of course. I’m not into that.)

“Rarity’s hair!” Dash pointed towards the white unicorn’s shrubbery. Pinkie Pie dove into the thick of the unruly jungle like David Livingstone. That is, if Dr. Livingstone had four legs. And was Pink. And had a swollen spotted tongue.

“Oh? Oh! Pinkie, what are you doing? Ah, really. Augh!” Rarity protested. “You ever hear of personal space?”

“Nopthe!”

“Was that a negative on the search for Applejack, or a negative on personal space?” I clarified.

“Apple Bloom is gone too!” Twilight said. All eyes turned towards the gaping wide front door.

“I bet they went after Zecora.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Well, we better go find them. Come on girls, let’s go.” Twilight Sparkle turned her floppy horn towards the door and led the way onto the street. Rarity and Rainbow Dash did their best to follow, but the unicorn was almost hogtied by her own mane and the pegasus was caught upside-down on the ground like a turtle. Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and I did our best to help them and soon the entire menagerie was crashing, tripping, and tumbling out the front door.

“Uh… Spike? Are you coming?” Fluttershy looked back into the library. Far from being helpful, the little guy was hunched over a book with a quill pen, giggling to himself.

“Nope! Uh… gotta stay here and look for a cure.” It was a weak argument, but I didn’t press the issue. We were, after all, headed into a presumably cursed forest to confront a presumed vengeful shaman with a presumably malicious sense of humor. I couldn’t blame him for wanting to stay in the library, so I turned to follow Fluttershy.

“Ah! ‘Twilight Flopple’!”

“Baka!” I shouted back. “It’s obviously ‘Twilight Speckle’!” But I couldn’t tell if he heard me. In the next moment, I had to focus all my energy on keeping up with the ponies. Rainbow Dash was going everywhere but the right direction and Twilight and Pinkie Pie were already hot on Apple Bloom’s trail. Running to keep up with the gang was hard to do when my legs were about as long as my head was tall.

“Mark? Is everything all right?” Rarity glanced back just as I tripped and kissed the ground for the fourth time.

“Spike’s right. He is kind of cute to watch…” Fluttershy whispered as I got back up.

“Everything’s peachy.” I huffed, brushing gravel off of my cheeks.

“Well, why do you keep tripping? What’s wrong?”

“I have a big head, and little arms. And I’m just not sure how well this plan was thought through.”

“Well, then, it can’t be helped,” Rarity trotted up beside me, “Quickly, hop up on my back.”

“What?” I blinked, stunned.

“Is something the matter?” The white unicorn asked.

“No. It’s just, I never would have thought of asking that. I mean, I guess I just assumed that it would be disrespectful.” Actually, that was only half of the reason I hadn’t asked. In hindsight, I was surprised to find that the thought hadn’t even occurred to me, even with my convenient new size. For the first time since coming to Equestria, I had completely forgotten that my friends were ponies.

“Well, such propriety will just have to be overlooked today. This is a crisis, after all!” Rarity knelt down and beckoned towards her back.

“Well, that’s really thoughtful.” I swung a leg up, hoping that I wasn’t accidentally pulling or yanking on any stray hairs. “Here, let me get that.” I reached forward and drew back the unruly mane away from Rarity’s face.

“Ah! I can see!” She gasped. (I. Can. Fight!)

“Um… Does anypony know where Zecora actually lives?” Fluttershy wondered.

“Well, we should just try and find the trail she was using yesterday, right?” I feigned ignorance, deciding that Apple Bloom could use as much of a head start as she could get. “We should hurry.” Acting in a symbiotic relationship as Rarity’s scrunchie, we quickly caught up to Twilight and Pinkie and plunged into the heart of the Everfree Forest.

As far as I knew, this was only the third time the girls had braved the untamed wilds of the forest, but it was also the third time it was under less-than-pleasurable circumstances. As soon as we lost sight of the sky above, everypony became quiet and wary. Our eyes swept all around us as we left the safety of Ponyville behind and drew ever closer to the lair of the ‘evil enchantress’.

“Keep an eye out for Apple Jack.” I broke the silence. “We still don’t know where she is.”

“We still don’t know where anything is. This place is just ghastly.” Rarity sidestepped a slimy puddle.

“If only I had my magic,” Twilight Sparkle lamented, “I could track Apple Bloom and at least find out where she’s going.” The ponies had retraced their steps back to the patch of poison joke, but beyond that, they had no idea which way to turn. When they had last seen Zecora, she was ominously vanishing into the forest’s shadows. As far as they knew, she could be anywhere.

“Bait!” Pinkie Pie suddenly froze, causing Fluttershy to crash into her.

“Oh my… I’m so sorry…”

“What did she say?” I leaned over Rarity’s neck. “Bait? I’m gonna guess she’s not talking about worms.”

“Uh-uh, lithen!” The pink pony held a hoof to her ear.

“Sounds like Rainbow Dash crashed again.”

“An thee’s talkink tu thumpunie wiff a thquiikie boithe!”

“And she’s talking to somepony with a squeaky voice!” Fluttershy translated.

“Applejack!” Everyone shouted. The turned their hooves down a dirt path that led closer to the river. Apple Bloom may not have left very many hoofprints behind, but even a clue as small as leaving Applejack behind was enough to set us back on Zecora’s trail. No pun intended, Applejack.

“I don’t see anything.” Twilight said, slowing back down. “But I thought I heard them right here!”

“Huh…” I smiled to myself. We were standing on a swampy shore where the dirt path suddenly fell away into a tangled riverbank. Here, the trees seemed to bend their roots and even bow their branches down to gorge themselves on water. However, a few of the branches were unnaturally snapped off and there was a fresh crater in the dirt. Rainbow Crash had been here, all right, and I’d even go out on a limb and say she found Apple Teeny too… on a limb.

“Uh… Girls…” Soon, the thought of finding Applejack and Rainbow Dash was a secondary concern. Fluttershy pointed a shaky hoof upstream where a somber and twisted tree house squatted. From my perspective, it looked a lot like the Golden Oak Library, with the glowing windows and a door that led into the sanctuary of its roots, but to the ponies, it probably looked like some glinty-eyed troll, quietly interlocking its roots like expectant fingers.

Actually, Rarity was too busy looking down at herself,

“Oh… I look horrible!” The mud and twigs that the hem of her coat had collected was like a matted shell.

“Plis place plooks horrible!” Pinkie Pike forcibly turned Rarity’s head to view the house.

“Oh my… that place really does look horrible.”

“Quiet.” Twilight Sparkle whispered. She lowered her head and guided us right up to one of the larger windows. Once we were convinced that the house’s resident hadn’t spotted us yet, we all craned our necks and looked inside.

At first glance, the place was just about as wild inside as it was outside. Every surface was curvy and alien, as if the tree hadn’t been harmed at all during its construction. Strange clay and glass bottles hung from the ceiling and hundreds of boxes, books and artifacts lined the walls. (And was that leopard skin I saw on her bed?) The whole place was lit with an algae-green light coming from the mysterious cauldron set in the floor, and Zecora’s collection of masks would have been enough for the entire population of Termina.

“Nice decorations, if you like creepy.” Rarity muttered. Before anyone could reply, the house’s mysterious owner appeared from the far side of the room, a cup full of purple beads in her mouth. Unbeknownst to her, an audience of wide-eyed ponies watched her cross the room, add the cup of stuff to the cauldron and begin murmuring to herself in a foreign tongue.

“Sthe sthole my sthong! Shthe sthole mm mmm!” Pinkie Pie was also talking in a foreign tongue.

“She stole your song?” Rarity translated.

“Oh Pinkie. Doesn’t sound anything like your song.” Twilight sounded exasperated. The last thing she wanted was to hear more of that tuneless jingle, but Pinkie Pie would get her message out one way or another, despite her disability. The pink pony fell at Fluttershy’s hooves and looked up at her with eyes so big and pleading that even I would have succumbed properly. With a sigh, the duo began.

Ladies and gentleman, we interrupt this rescue mission to bring you a special musical number. We have the voice talent of Flutterguy, performing, for your pleasure, her rendition of ‘Evil Enchantress’, accompanied by the original artist, Pinkie Pie, who is performing the accompanying interpretive dance.

“You saw those terrible things.” Rarity tried to look at Twilight Sparkle, “Now do you believe us, Twilight?” The purple unicorn looked back inside uncertainly.

“Scary looking masks, confusing incantations, and a great big bubbling cauldron?” She groaned. “Everything is pointing to Zecora being… bad. Or, what if Zecora is just making soup?” Even as she said it, even as Twilight grasped for the last thread of hope, the last benefit of the doubt, it vanished. Zecora smiled to herself and said,

“Mmm. The perfect temperature for ponies, I presume.

Now, where is that little Apple Bloom?”

I could actually watch Twilight’s pupils shrink as she heard those words.

“Apple Bloom soup?” The librarian gasped. There were a few pregnant seconds of stunned silence as each pony looked at the others. And finally, all hell broke loose.

All the girls began screaming, I was bucked off Rarity’s back, and Rainbow Dash fell out of the sky and smashed right through Zecora’s front door. All the ponies followed, breaching the zebra’s home like an impromptu police raid. I didn’t feel like joining them.

I stood up and brushed myself off, unharmed from my fall, but strangely heavy in my chest. I finally had the answer to my ‘what if’ that had been plaguing me. I had finally seen, first-hand, how the ponies reacted to the revelation that someone was a carnivore. At the mere idea of Zecora eating meat, they had shown their response. Screams and panic. I couldn’t blame them, and yet I felt strangely disappointed.

I suppressed my inward groan of and crept for the busted door. The scene inside looked like someone had set cookie monster loose inside a witch’s gingerbread house. Rainbow Dash was flinging herself every which way while Applejack fought desperately to both guide the pegasus and not get thrown off in the process. Zecora’s shouts did nothing to stem the chaos as her house was demolished and her work was destroyed. She didn’t even notice the carnival of cursed ponies filling up her room until Twilight Sparkle demanded,

“What have you done with Apple Bloom?”

“No! No!” But the zebra wasn’t listening. Applejack leapt off her mount like a paratrooper abandoning her damaged aircraft and ferociously attacked Zecora’s ear. Fortunately, this did little more than draw a confused and concerned look from the lady. Without a pilot, however, the cyan pegasus continued smashing herself into everything and anything. There was only one object that hadn’t been struck yet. So she hit that next. Zecora’s mouth fell open in shock as her heavy cauldron was knocked completely out of its ember pit and its contents sloshed out onto the dirt floor.

“No! You know not what you do!

You’ve gone and spilled my precious brew!”

“We’re onto you Zecora.” The purple unicorn snorted defiantly. “I didn’t want to believe that you cursed us, but the evidence is overwhelming!”

“You made me look ridiculous!” Rarity wailed.

“You made me sound ridiculous!” Fluttershy rumbled.

“You ruined my horn!” Twilight stomped a hoof. Now, I would describe Zecora as a wise and peaceful soul, slow to anger and quick to aid those in need, but if those ponies thought for a moment that she was going to just roll over and take this abuse, then they had another thing coming. When she had reason to be, the zebra was as wild as a forest fire and as feisty as a badger. Zecora pawed a hoof and her eyes flashed.

“How dare you! You destroy my home, destroy my work!

Then rudely accuse me of being a jerk?”

“You put this curse on us, not you’re gonna uncurse us!” Beaten and bruised, Rainbow Dash had more fight in her than ever. However, Zecora lowered her voice and even the shadows seemed to grow darker at her words,

“It is unwise to venture down this road.

Your actions will make my anger explode.”

“Where is Apple Bloom!?” Before I could stop them, Twilight Sparkle stepped forward to confront Zecora and both of them locked heads, pushing one against the other as they glowered mere inches from each other’s face.

“Zecora! I think I found all the things ya asked- Oh, hi, Mark. What are y’all doin’ here?”

“Oh, hey, Apple Bloom.” I stepped away from my post in the doorway to let the little filly get past. She took one look in the scrambled house and asked,

“What in Ponyville is goin’ on here?”

“Apple Bloom! You’re okay!” Applejack squeaked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Her little sister looked around uncertainly. Twilight, still in battle mode, leapt between the filly and the zebra.

“Because Zecora is an evil enchantress who cursed us and was gonna cook you up into soup!” The limp unicorn explained. Apple Bloom and Zecora glanced at each other and burst into laughter. The bowstring-like tension in the air seemed to evaporate in an instant, leaving everypony else feeling off balance. Apple Bloom giggled,

“Oh, Twilight. Did those silly fillies finally get in yer head? You know there’s no such thing as a curse.”

“Well, you have to admit, Pinkie’s song is kind of catchy.” I walked alongside the filly as she made her way into the house. “Though, once again, Sim Gretina has the best version. What do you have in your bags, Apple Bloom?”

“Lemon clover. There’s a big ol’ patch of it just down the hill.”

“Apple Bloom, sweetie, you can’t just stand there and tell me this isn’t a curse.” Twilight Sparkle fought to get the conversation back on track, but the red-headed filly simply tossed her head and declared,

“This isn’t a curse.” I think she enjoyed that too much.

“If you will remember back,

The words I spoke were quite exact.” Zecora explained.

“It was a warnin’.” Apple Bloom said, “About that blue plant. It’s called Poison Joke.”

“That plant is much like poison oak,

But its results are like a joke.”

“What in the hay does that mean?” Applejack quipped, still holding firm onto Zecora’s ear.

“It means this plant does not breed wrath.

Instead, this plant just wants a laugh.” The little country mare grit her teeth together and squealed,

“Will somepony please talk normal?”

“I think what she’s saying is that when we ran in to save Apple Bloom, we ran into the poison joke. All out problems are just little jokes that played on us.” Twilight Sparkle was putting the pieces together.

“Little jokes? Very funny…” A. T. was not amused.

“Ok, fine. But what about the cauldron?” Rainbow Dash struggled to stay upright on her hooves.

“And the chanting?” Fluttershy clarified.

“And the creepy décor?” Even Rarity was rather culturally insensitive. Then again, not everypony can grow up in the melting pot of the U. S. like me.

With her earlier anger a distant memory, Zecora patiently explained everything. Her native tongue, of course, was alien to the ponies, but completely benign. Her jars were full of medicine, not hexes. Even her masks were simple memories of times long gone, even if a few of them looked like they were forged by the Song of Healing.

“But the cauldron…” Twilight pressed, “The Apple Bloom soup?”

“Looky here, Twilight, that pot of water wasn’t for me.” The filly gestured at the little bags on her back. “It was for all these herbal ingredients. The cure for poison joke is a simple old-natural remedy. You just gotta take a bubble bath!” The purple unicorn, however, was a very analytical mare; she didn’t jump to conclusions quickly, but when she believed something, it took a lot of work to convince her otherwise,

“But I tried to find a cure in all my books and couldn’t find anything. What book has this natural remedy?”

“Here, I have the book, you see?

Sad that you lack it in your library.” Zecora walked over to an overturned table and picked up a large green-bound book. Upon seeing the cover, Twilight Sparkle deflated in embarrassment.

“Actually, I do have this book, but I didn’t look inside because the title was so… Weird.” She hastily knocked open the cover and scrutinized the title page, “Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super.”

“Wow. You’d think the editor would have said something to the author.” I mused. “Like, ‘hey, your title is misleading and everyone who buys it thinks they’re getting a story about a couple demon-hunting brothers who drive a 67 Impala’.” I shouldn’t have said anything, though. My helium voice almost broke the tender mood.

“I… I… I’m so sorry, Zecora.” Twilight hung her head in sorrow. “I had the answer the whole time, if only I had bothered to look inside…” Zecora merely smiled and put a hoof on the mare’s shoulder,

“Maybe next time you’ll take a second look,

And not judge by the cover of the book.”

“Zecora?” Twilight looked up, “I’m sorry for the way we acted, and we’ll help replace what we broke. Would you be kind enough to mix up another batch of the herbal bath?”

“Mix it up, I certainly will,

Yet I am missing an herb from Ponyville.”

“But whenever Zecora comes to town, all the shops are mysteriously closed.” Apple Bloom explained.

“What’s the herb you’re looking for?” I wondered.

“A wispy herb, called ‘little weiss’,

It grows near mountain fields of ice.

Canterlot harvests are sometimes sent down,

So I thought I could find some sold in town.” I glanced over at Twilight, who nodded back.

“Oh, well… I think we can help you with that.”

The journey back into town was decidedly uneventful, but as soon as our twisted menagerie set hoof in Ponyville, the sleepy little town was thrown into an uproar. Just like Rainbow Dash, everypony’s first thought was that Zecora had somehow cursed and then controlled us, so it wasn’t surprising to see the streets suddenly vacated, doors locked and welcome mats rescinded. Fortunately, with a little convincing from Twilight Sparkle, the townsponies were slowly drawn out of their shell.

Soon, all the ingredients were gathered. Twilight paid for the herbs and Rarity reserved the spa’s largest hot water bath. Zecora wasted no time carefully and deliberately measuring out all the ingredients needed to wash away the poison joke’s effects. Some purple salts, lemon clover juice, and steeped little weiss leaves. I quietly watched the zebra work. Her methodical science was like a blend of witchcraft and chemistry. So much so, that I couldn’t tell where one stopped and the other began. In no time, the remedy was ready.

And, cue letter to Princess Celestia.

“Oh, simply amazing…” Rarity burbled as her coat returned to its regular, glossy self.

“Finally…” Twilight Sparkle plunged her head underwater and when she came up, her horn was standing proud and straight once more.

“Cabbonball!!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she threw herself wholly into the hot water. She was so happy to have her tongue back to its regular size, that not even the water could flatten her bouncy mane.

“My turn!” I ran to the edge of the tub, tripped, and plunged into the brew. Immediately, I could feel a sensation, like being tickled all over at once, and then it was gone. When I came gasping back to the surface, I was back to my proper height and dimensions.

“How do you feel, Mark?” Twilight asked.

“Trainers hate me! I gained one hundred pounds of pure muscle in three seconds! Click here to find out how!” I sighed and leaned back on the edge of the bath. “I feel great. How about you?”

“I feel like I need to write a letter to the princess.” She explained.

“Like, never judge a book by its cover?”

“Figuratively and literally.” Twilight laughed.

“Applejack! Hey, where’s Applejack!?” Apple Bloom suddenly cried out. There was another frantic search of everyone’s hooves and flanks before the orange earth pony called out,

“I’m right here, little sis. I ain’t tiny no more!” She was smiling from the comfort of her own private bucket. Previously filled with the purifying potion, the little tub now looked like it was stuck on Applejack’s flank, but she seemed too relieved to mind. Too relieved, even, to be angry at Apple Bloom for abandoning her back in the forest.

“Oh! I have never felt so lovely in all my life!” Rarity breathed. Pinkie Pie agreed, but in her own way. Like a bottle of champagne that suddenly lost its cork,

“Ohmygosh! Ineverrealizedhowhorribleitisnottobeabletotalk. Imean,IlovetalkingsomuchandwhenIcouldn’ttalkanymore,mytonguewasall ‘ehhhh’! Itwastheworst! Don’tyouagree,Fluttershy?”

The little yellow pegasus just nodded politely and said,

“… Yes.” Everypony laughed with relief for an episode well-done.

“Whelp! I’m hungry. Who else is hungry? Where should we go to stop being hungry?” I hauled myself up out of the water, my wet pajamas sticking to me like spandex.

“You’re always hungry, Mark.” Rainbow Dash huffed.

“Yeah, but now that my stomach’s bigger than a grape, I just feel empty inside.” I explained.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay for a little longer? You must learn to relax.” Lotus Blossom, one of the spa’s owners, appeared at my elbow, offering a clean fresh towel.

“Oh, thank you.” I began drying myself off, but winced as I brushed over my old burn scars. Apparently, those still hadn’t healed. I glanced back at Applejack and Pinkie Pie. They were smiling, but I wondered how their own burns were doing.

“Pardon me, Mark, but before this day is thorough,

I want you to know, I prepared this for you.”

“Zecora?” I turned around to see the zebra holding out a small glass vial with red jelly in it. “What is this?”

“Your faith in me deserves a good turn,

Here is the cure to your dragon burn.

I never thought this day would come around,

But friendship in Ponyville I’ve finally found.”

“It was nothing.” I explained. “I’m just sorry that it took something as dramatic as poison joke to finally bring this whole thing to a resolution. This should have all been simpler and for that, I’m sorry for what happened.”

“Life sometimes works like a mystery,

These are not the strangest events to have happened to me.” Zecora laughed as much to herself as to me. I replied,

“Well, I hope to see you around more often after this.

Your company, I will surely miss.” I didn’t even realize I was rhyming again.

“My work makes it safer for me to be alone,

Thus, it’s better for me to be on my own.

But when your path draws you nigh,

Do not hesitate to stop on by.”

“I’ll remember that, thank you.” I took the little red vial and looked at it critically. “You said this was a cure for burns?”

“Just spread a little on your skin

To let the healing process begin.” To demonstrate, Zecora popped off the stopper, dipped her hoof in the viscous material and wiped it over my arm. I looked closely at the red marks on my skin. Every place the gel touched felt icy cold and tender as if wind was blowing right through my blood. Before my eyes, the damaged marks peeled off my arm like dry leaves and drifted to the ground. Within minutes, you'd never be able to tell that I had been burned.

“What the what? Zecora, this is amazing!” I looked up, but the mysterious zebra had already stepped away and was talking with Lotus Blossom. I looked down at the potion clutched in my hand, my fingers shivering with excitement.

This was new. This was a miracle. This was my answer. This… was literally magic in a bottle.

In that moment, I didn’t care what Twilight Sparkle said, there was no scientific reason behind any of the events that had transpired that day. There was no such thing as a chemical that could tell a joke like that blue-leafed plant in the forest. There was no compound that could make my clothes shrink and grow along with me like Alice in Wonderland. There was no way my cells could physically heal as quickly as they just had. Curses were real. Potions were real. And both were magic.

I had barely thought about Twilight and her vitagraph since yesterday’s frustration, but now that ‘Bridle Gossip’ was over, it was all I could think about. My struggles with that magic-o'-meter no longer had the same depressing effect on me as they did yesterday. Now, there was a little bit of good news to pierce the bad. Nothing would keep me from studying magic, that was for sure. It was fascinating, it was a privilege, and it was vital to living in Equestria, but even if I could never use it like a unicorn, at least now there was hope for a creature like me. Just like how Rock Lee didn’t have ninjuitsu, but could still be a splendid ninja. Even if I didn’t have a horn, if I had potions, perhaps I could still become a splendid magician. This was worth looking into.

Author's Note

Previously, I only shared my writing with my dad (not pony stories, mind you), and thus, he was my only source of feedback. However, FIMfiction has been amazing because I not only have more people encouraging me, but I can also try out new stuff without any pressure.

That is to say, I've never tried a comedy story before this, and I was wondering if there's anyone out there who's actually laughed while reading this. I'd argue that comedy is the most elusive of the storytelling arts. Tell me what you think!

Ch 8: Where Teeth Meet Hearts

Chapter 8
Where Teeth Meet Hearts

“Twilight Sparkle, my prized pupil.” Princess Celestia practically glowed at us as she alighted from her radiant chariot. She stepped forward, as graceful as wind over grass and as warm as a summer’s breeze while I and the girls bowed politely.

“Hello, princess.” Twilight looked up with a strained smile. Though we were comfortably away from Ponyville itself, all it would take was a single glance towards the battered and abused buildings for the princess to know something was terribly wrong. For the moment, however, Celestia seemed conveniently oblivious.

“So lovely to see you again, as well as your friends.” The princess had a remarkable ability to make everyone in a group feel as if she was smiling directly at them. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy grinned back while I smirked to myself.

Crash!

The princess had just taken a breath to say more when she was suddenly cut off by the loud clap of cymbals. She stared, surprised as the last member of the main six came up and over the hill behind us. Pinkie Pie’s face was as serious as a terminator as she juggled ten instruments down the dirt path, leading a veritable cloud of hypnotized parasprites behind her.

There was an awkward pause in the conversation as the ‘pied Pinkie’ guided her snared swarm past us without a second glance. Twilight Sparkle bit her lip nervously while Celestia stood frozen, watching the procession with wide eyes. I glanced at the golden-garbed guards behind the princess to see what they thought of all this, but they remained staring straight ahead as if they saw plagues of parasprites paraded off peacefully every day. They didn’t even so much as twitch to move the chariot out of the pink pony’s path.

“So… How was the trip?” Twilight tried to break the pause. “Hit much traffic?” Celestia didn’t answer immediately. In fact, I would argue that her flawless posture was actually a little rigid.

“Ah, what is this?” The princess began to ask. Immediately, a little yellow ball of gluttony stopped following Pinkie just long enough to alight on the alicorn’s wing. Celestia’s face softened as she laughed, “Oh, these creatures are adorable!”

“They’re not that adorable…” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“I’m terribly honored that you and the good citizens of Ponyville have organized a parade in honor of my visit.” Celestia let a small smile pull at the corners of her mouth.

“Parade?” Twilight blinked. “Oh, yes! The Parade!”

“Unfortunately, that visit is going to have to wait for another time.” The princess looked back at her chariot uncertainly. “I’m afraid an emergency has come up in Fillydelphia. Apparently, there been some sort of… infestation.”

“An… infestation?” The purple unicorn tried her best not to let the relief show through on her face. The other ponies glanced at each other uncertainly.

“Yes,” The princess nodded somberly. “A swarm of incredibly bothersome creatures has invaded the poor town. I’m sorry, Twilight, to have to put you all through so much trouble.”

“Trouble?” Twilight laughed nervously. “What trouble?”

Celestia excused herself with a nod before turning towards her waiting sky-carriage. Our little group watched her with polite smiles on our faces while ‘Pinkie’s Parasprite Polka’ continued drifting over the hills. It seemed that, once led into the forest, the little bug’s instincts kicked on and they returned to the Everfree from whence they came. As she daintily stepped into her royal purple seat, Celestia paused as a new thought had struck her. She glanced back at Twilight and said,

“Before I have to go, would you care to give me your latest report on the magic of friendship in person?”

“My… report?” The little student hesitated.

“Haven’t you learned anything about friendship?” The princess invited. I continued smiling with the other ponies, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Twilight Sparkle really was ‘Book Pony’. That is, judging by how easily Celestia seemed to read her. In another moment, Twilight began,

“Actually, I have. I’ve learned that sometimes the solution to your problems can come from where you least expect it. It’s a good idea to stop and listen to your friend’s opinions and perspectives-”

Crash! Those symbols again…

“-even when they don’t always seem to make sense.”

“I’m so proud of you, Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia complimented. “And I’m very impressed with your friends as well. It sounds like you’re all learning so much from each other.” And, with the slightest hint of a nod, the princess unfroze the pegasi guards and they began rolling away.

“Thank you, princess.” Twilight whispered as the shimmering aircraft gracefully left the earth and rose into the pure blue sky.

No words were spoken as Twilight looked around at the rest of us, but, to be honest, it would be hard to put to words what was going through her head. Everypony felt relieved that we hadn’t disappointed the princess, humbled that she had complimented us, and wearied by a hard-learned lesson. At least it was still a happy ending, even if Ponyville’s main street now looked like the world’s largest slice of Swiss cheese. Slowly, we all made our way over to where Pinkie Pie was just guiding the last few parasprites into the shadow of the forest.

“Hey! What happened to the princess?” The polka (mercifully) finished and Pinkie smiled at us from between her plethora of instruments.

“Emergency in Fillydelphia.” Twilight shrugged.

“Some sort of infestation.” Rainbow Dash grinned. Immediately, Pinkie Pie dropped the corners of her mouth like they were hot,

“Oh no! Have they got parasprites too?” Her squeaky voice gasped. “Well, have tuba, will travel!” Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and was just about to demonstrate her skill with said instrument, but Twilight Sparkle quickly stepped forward and assured her,

“I think the princess can handle it.”

“So, you knew what those critters were all along, huh Pinkie Pie?” Applejack queried. The pink mare rolled her eyes so far, they threatened to pop out of her head.

“Well, duh! Why do you think I was so frantic to get my hooves on all these instruments? I tried to tell you.”

“We know, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight Sparkle said penitently, “and we’re sorry we didn’t listen.” All the other girls muttered their apologies as well. I merely stood by silently. After all, I personally hadn’t contributed to the ‘Swarm of the Century’ and had actually done a lot to minimize the damage that day. (Including fervently trying to convince Twilight Sparkle that brainwashing the creature’s eating reflex couldn’t possibly end well. It never did, as this episode and ‘Bats!’ clearly showed. (On the other hoof, that brainwashing kind of saved the Sweet Apple Acres crop…))

“You’re a great friend,” Twilight continued, “even if we don’t always understand you.” Somehow, Pinkie Pie managed to blush beneath her already pink cheeks.

“Thanks guys. You’re all great friends, too. Even when I don’t understand me!”

“You saved my reputation with Princess Celestia. And, more importantly, you saved Ponyville.” We all looked over to the remains of the little town, where a thin ribbon of smoke was just starting to rise above the rooftops. Applejack’s ears drooped a little and everypony knew that we had a lot of work cut out for us. “… Mostly…”

We all began walking back to Ponyville and I began mentally preparing myself for what I called the ‘between-episode’; AKA, the moment between the adrenaline high of fighting monsters and the sobering reality of rebuilding what had been broken.

As I surveyed Ponyville, Rainbow Dash trotted up beside me and pointed out,

“So, you knew about the parasprites, too? I mean, you and Pinkie were the only ones who didn’t like ‘em right off the bat.”

“Hm?” I glanced down nonchalantly. “Well, just because something has big eyes and a tiny mouth doesn’t make it cute in my book. Even if I didn’t know what they were right away, the mere fact that they were voracious omnivores with an alarming asexual reproductive cycle made me leery, yes. That, and I have a hard time calling bugs cute.”

“I never said they were cute!” The pegasus snorted.

“Right, I forgot. They were ‘adorable’ trash. Amiright?”

“Hmph!”

“I think we should simply count our blessings that the princess didn’t have to see our town reduced to such a state!” Rarity interjected, shaking her head at the potholed buildings. “I mean, I feel terrible for Fillydelphia, of course, but their timing couldn’t have been better-”

“Fillydelphia’s fine.” I assured her, smiling at the sky as if Celestia was still watching us.

“What do you mean?” Rainbow Dash wondered. I pursed my lips tightly together, glanced up to where Twilight was trotting and slowed my pace. When the purple unicorn was safely out of earshot, I whispered,

“Celestia totally knew. Don’t tell Twilight, you know how nervous she gets about impressing the princess, but Celestia wasn’t fooled for a moment.”

“Wasn’t fooled?” Rarity blinked.

“About what?” RD demanded. “What did she know about?”

“About Ponyville. The infestation. The damage. Come on, girls, didn’t you think Celestia’s tone was just a little bit amused back there?”

“Why in Equestria would you think that, Mark?” The white unicorn was somewhere between critical and curious.

“Firstly, the girl rides in a flying chariot. Obviously, an aerial view of the town wouldn’t be able to hide much of the destruction, especially when you’ve got pieces of the local candle shop littering main street. So, she landed on the outskirts to ask her student, Twilight, what had happened and also to avoid embarrassing the town. You know, since they always want to impress her and the place obviously wasn’t looking its best.”

“Obviously.” Rarity nodded in consent.

“Second,” I continued, “did you see the look on her face as soon as she saw the parasprite swarm? I’d say she was surprised, alarmed, even worried. The same look Pinkie Pie wore when she saw them. Both ponies knew what exactly what they were as soon as they laid eyes on them. I don’t know why, but most ponies seem to forget that the princess and her sister Luna used to live smack dab in the middle of the Everfree Forest for quite a while! Perhaps even centuries.”

“Huh…” Rainbow Dash thought back to the spooky old castle, half-eaten by time and licked up by the hungry forest. “Wow! The princess is old!”

“Yes, she is. Dermatologists hate her.” I nodded. “And lastly, what does she find in the middle of all this? Twilight Sparkle trying to pretend that nothing’s wrong. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to put the pieces together-”

“I think you mean Fetlock Holmes, dear.”

“In fact, I’d bet anything that the moment the princess mentioned how ‘cute’ the parasprites were was also the moment she figured it all out. Somepony had tried to keep them as pets without really knowing what they were. After that, she also played along, pretending that nothing was wrong and then came up with an excuse for her to leave suddenly. And thus, Twilight and Ponyville were spared a little embarrassment.”

“Wait, so Fillydelphia?” Rainbow Dash cocked her head.

“Celestia couldn’t resist a little jab, a little poke of fun at the position Twilight Sparkle found herself in. Fillydelphia’s problem was too perfect, too timely, too coincidental to be real.”

“Isn’t this all quite speculative, Mark?” Rarity tried to bring the conversation back to the realm of solid facts.

“That,” I held up a finger, “And the fact that her chariot was going straight back to Canterlot. In the end, Celestia guessed that she had stumbled upon the conclusion of a very amusing and very dramatic friendship lesson. Why else would she ask for a friendship report on the spot?”

“I agree with Rarity.” Rainbow Dash looked up at me. “That just doesn’t sound like the princess.”

“Try sharing a box of doughnuts with her.” I smirked. The cyan mare looked more confused than ever, but at that moment, our little powwow came up behind the rest of the group.

“Hoo-wee!” Applejack sighed as she looked down the cluttered streets. “Those little critters really did a number on this place. Where do you recon’ we start, Twilight?”

“Hmm…” Twilight Sparkle scrunched up her muzzle. She glanced dolefully at the library and the half-eaten books within, but forced herself to prioritize the town first. “Let’s start a checklist. First, we need to rally everypony and check each building to make sure none of them are going to topple over. After that, we need to assess the rest of the damage.”

“Be sure ya jot down Sweet Apple Acres.” The orange earth pony groaned. “Never seen a barn disappear like that. Critters came through like wildfire eatin’ paper!”

“Good point.” An unpleasant thought hit me. “We should also organize some kind of housing for any displaced ponies.”

Another moment of silence passed as we all gathered ourselves to tackle the challenge ahead of us.

“Let’s get started!” A moment was plenty long for Rainbow Dash. She leapt into action and we followed her example.

As with the ursa minor attack, once the townsponies were rallied and organized, it was only a matter of chipping away at the problem. A crew of earth pony constructors put up warning tape on any structure that had been dangerously compromised and Rainbow Dash got a couple pegasi to make sure no sudden or unexpected breezes blew them over. The rest of us were devoted to sweeping up broken glass and roof shingles. A few unicorns were talented enough to repair broken tree branches or recycle the cloth from vending booths, but there wasn’t enough to fix everything in one day.

Unable to lift house beams or heal snapped branches, I was resigned to sweeping the streets. I worked alongside Berryshine, Rose, Fluttershy and Scootaloo, running up and down the street with a broom. Our job was to turn the scattered pieces of debris into piles and then into stacks and then into heaps and finally into mounds to be carted away by other ponies. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t slept well the night before or perhaps the job was just boring, but it wasn’t long before that broom became remarkably heavy.

I gave a heavy sigh and focused on my breathing as I stooped to lift a smashed pot into the back of a wagon. I didn’t even see Pinkie Pie sneaking up on me, but in my defense, there were few who could.

“Hi!” She jumped out of the remains of the pot to greet me.

“Augh!” The container slipped from my fingers. No longer a pot, it quickly became little more than an unsolved jigsaw puzzle piled at my feet. “Thanks a lot, Pinkie.”

“No, silly, I came to thank you!” She started prancing around my head while I stooped to collect the scattered mess. “You were a big help today!”

“Thank me? For what?”

“Well, I can’t blame you. Cymbals are just so fun! But thank you for letting me use them. That was pretty convenient.” I just barely caught a glimpse of a couple bronze disks in her mouth before she dropped them noisily onto the street. A splitting crash filled my ears, forcing my eyes closed.

“Ah!” I winced, bringing my hands up to my ears.

“Oh, are you alright, Mark?” Fluttershy appeared nearby, her large eyes filled with concern.

“I’m fine. Just have a weird headache.” I sniffed away the feeling and tried to refocus my eyes.

“And the maracas! And the kazoo! And the banjo! Mark, I didn’t know you were so musically inclined!” As she named each instrument, Pinkie Pie promptly plopped them on her pile, knocking the cymbals each time. Each sound was like a tent spike drilling further and further into my forehead.

“Um… It’s nothing, really. I mean, I don’t actually play them, I just knew where to find them.” It was a half-lie (so, also a half-truth) and I glanced nervously at Fluttershy to see if she noticed. The truth was, I had been opportunistically snatching and hoarding instruments for a while in preparation for ‘Swarm of the Century’. Anything to help Pinkie Pie remove the parasprite plague, and it had come in handy after she ruined the first pair of cymbals. Still none of the instruments actually belonged to me.

Rose glanced curiously at the pile of music-makers and I casually avoided eye contact. I had hoped to return them all before anypony could ask about my strangely-convenient and sudden interest in music. The pink mare wasn’t helping me at all.

“Or you could just learn to play them all. At once! Like me!” Pinkie grinned.

“Sounds like something my brother would do…” Kid was a genius.

“More power to you!” Pinkie Pie cheered, but Fluttershy remained strangely quiet. Even more so than usual.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” She clarified as I tossed another armload of rubble over my shoulder. I wiped my brow, but I wasn’t sweating. Just winded.

“You’d think I’d be used to manual labor, working in the orchard.” I puffed out my cheeks and tried to catch my breath. “Must be getting old. Don’t have the same enthusiasm as the Energizer bunny over there.” I jabbed a thumb at Scootaloo, who was using her broom like a jousting pole from atop her scooter.

A sudden wave of dizziness washed over me and I saw static envelop the corners of my vision. Fluttershy said something else that sounded concerned, but her voice was muffled. I just shook my head to clear it and smiled easily.

“No, really. I’m fine, I’m-”

“-fine. Nothing to worry about.” I hesitated while my brain tried to figure out what was happening. I couldn’t see Fluttershy anymore. For that matter, neither could I see Ponyville. All I saw was a wall of green with no shadows and a round glowing thing mounted on it. Then it occurred to me that gravity felt weird too.

“Oh! Oh, he’s awake! I mean, you’re awake! Um… oh, Twilight! Nurse!” I was lying on my back in a room with teal walls and a swamp-green ceiling. Fluttershy was nearby, calling for someone, but I was too confused to look at her. I had been outside only a moment before, so where was I now? Why was I in a bed? My brain was trying to rev up, but some of its spark plugs were faulty.

“Mark? Mark! Are you ok? What happened?” Two faces filled my vision, one purple with a unicorn horn on her forehead and one snowy white with a nurse hat on hers.

“Yeah, of course I’m all right.” Though, upon further reflection, I realized that my head felt like a puffer fish was trying to burst out of it. “Why do you ask?”

Twilight Sparkle looked at me with wide eyes as she said,

“You passed out.”

“What? Weird. That’s never happened to me before. Well, unless you count that dare, but I’m-” As soon as I tried to sit up, both Twilight Sparkle and Nurse Redheart dropped a foreleg on my chest and forced me back down.

“Easy now, try to relax.” The nurse commanded softly. “I’ll get you some water.”

I lifted my head to watch her go and finally got a good look at the room. My body was laid out on a hospital bed, a little short for me, but at least I was still dressed in my own clothes. A little ways away, Fluttershy was sitting, quietly watching the event. My head lolled to the side and I asked Twilight,

“How long was I out?”

“Only a couple minutes, from what I gather. I just got here myself.” She explained. “Fluttershy said you just collapsed and then she got Pinkie and Rose to help carry you here.”

“Here, try and drink slowly.” The white earth pony returned with a paper cup of water. I took it politely and lifted it as a humble toast to Fluttershy.

“Well, thank you for that, Fluttershy.” Then, glancing at the nurse, I added, “And I’m sorry to be taking up your time, you guys must be busy today.”

“You just worry about yourself.” Nurse Redheart smiled tenderly. “And if it helps you feel better, nopony really got hurt today. However, we are busy setting up the empty rooms to house those whose homes got… well, eaten. But remember, nothing’s more important than your health.” Her voice was so calm and collected, it was almost like a verbal sedative.

“Thank you.”

“Though, it’s kind of exciting to be treating a human. You’re our first nonpony patient, after all. When they brought you in, we didn’t know if you needed to be laid out on your stomach or your back.” Nurse Redheart laughed. I shared the gesture, but my chuckle was dry and uninspired. Twilight and Fluttershy remained silent. After another moment, the nurse took that as an opportunity to leave,

“Well, let me know if I can help you with anything.” Twilight waited until the room was relatively private before asking,

“So, what happened?”

“I don’t know. I slept through it.” I sipped the water and tried to sit up again.

“Mark, please be serious about this. You really scared us there.” Twilight fretted.

“Scared you, how?” I demanded, an unintended edge to my voice. “I feel fine now. What more do you want?”

“But you said yourself that it was unusual. What if there’s something really wrong with you? We don’t know enough about humans to-”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” I tossed back the last of my water, still feeling thirsty. And hungry. “I just had low blood sugar is all. I just need some food.”

“That’s what you always say.” Twilight sighed. A cold feeling, like an icy slug slid down the back of my neck and curled up around my stomach.

She was right. I was always hungry. And it wasn’t just my casual American snacking habits, either. I had been thinking more and more about food the past few weeks, even right after meals. Always craving, never full, always eating, never… satisfied.

As if my body was instinctively hunting for something.

“Hmph!” I snorted, trying to physically knock aside the thought. Like a bad habit, my body kept thinking that it needed meat, and I had hoped to put that behind me by now. Humans had been living on vegetarian diets long before I ever came round. I would be no different.

“Well, at least do us a favor and just take it easy for the rest of today, alright?” Twilight Sparkle looked at me with her large eyes. I pretended that I didn’t hear her and swung my legs over the edge of the bed defiantly.

“Can I go now?” In reply, the purple unicorn only stepped back. I pulled myself to my full height, but my head suddenly split with pain and stars burst around my eyes. I pretended not to see them. Somewhere from the corner of the room, Fluttershy finally spoke up,

“Mark, um… I was just wondering, um…”

“Yes, Fluttershy?” I invited. She gathered her courage before looking up and asking,

“Aside from fainting, have you noticed any other recent changes in yourself? Anything out of the ordinary?”

Crack!

To my surprise, the paper cup in my hand imploded, reduced to a wad of trash clutched under my white knuckles.

“I’m done with this.” I held up the ruined cup by two fingers. “Is there a garbage can around here?” I tried desperately to act casual, as if I had meant to ruin the little container. In truth, it was a rare display of physical emotion from me. If I were perfectly honest, Fluttershy had hit the nail on the head.

“No.” I shrugged. Not aside from my constant weariness, at least. Not aside from my lingering headaches. Not aside from my difficulty sleeping. Not aside from the constant green poops I’d been making. Not aside from the way my blood sometimes drained from my hands, leaving the skin looking like Colby-Jack cheese.

“Oh, because, um, I was wondering if you… if you wanted to come to my cottage for lunch today. You know, because you said you were hungry, and, um...” Fluttershy’s voice fell away, but she was looking up at me expectantly. Inwardly, I winced. My internal conflicts with what I could and could not eat around my friends were not something I wanted to wrestle with that day. Especially with Fluttershy around. Especially with her forest friends around.

“Um… thanks, Fluttershy, but I should probably see if anypony else could use my help. I could ask Nurse Redheart. I could probably help her with the bed linens.”

“I think she’s already done.” Twilight muttered, looking around for the nurse.

“Well, I didn’t mean just that! I could help-”

“No, Mark, Fluttershy’s right. You just go with her for now. Keep an eye on yourself and make sure you don’t do any more work today. You’ve already been a big help.” She added the last sentence when she saw the disappointment cross my face.

“A-” I wanted to object, but Twilight Sparkle gave me a stern look and I knew arguing would be futile.

“I’ll take care of him, Twilight.” Fluttershy smiled and looked up at me. (She should be more careful around people. I almost got diabetes just from how sweet she looked!)

“Thanks!” The purple unicorn revealed a long checklist and buried her nose in it as she trotted away. “I’ll see you both later!”

“Are you ready?” Fluttershy asked me. “Feeling better?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?” I let loose an exasperated sigh. “I’m perfectly fine!”

“Right!” The little pegasus flashed a small smile. For an instant, I thought the smile was fake, as if she knew something I didn’t, but before I could ask her anything, she led the way out of the hospital room and into Ponyville.

Upon reflection, I realized that this would be my first visit to Fluttershy’s cottage. For all the time I’d spent in ‘Bronyville’ with the girls, you’d have thought that I’d have toured all the landmarks and iconic locations, but that humble little house had eluded me. Partly because of how hungry I got every time I thought of Angel Bunny, but also because her house was, well, very secluded. On the edge of the forest and at the end of a narrow, winding footpath, most ponies would completely overlook it unless they knew exactly what they were looking for.

Just like its owner, it was a quaint place, humbly built, but bursting with nature’s soft beauty. Far from Rainbow Dash’s regal palace in the sky, Fluttershy’s cottage was about as earthy as possible. It was impossible to tell where the surrounding meadow stopped and the walls and grassy roof began.

“Sorry for the mess.” Fluttershy seemed to grow in confidence as we got further from Ponyville and closer to her animal sanctuary. “Oh, look! Everyone’s already done so much!”

It took me a second to realize she was referring to all the woodland critters swarming her house. Windows were open, swallowing and releasing an endless flight of birds, small furry rodents and varmints were scurrying out of the front door, and a large brown bear was nosing around the living room inside. Now that the parasprites were gone, all of Fluttershy’s friends had returned. A tawny field mouse saw the little yellow pegasus and ran over to her, holding out a bright red berry.

“Oh, why, thank you Mr. Burrow. Yes, yes, that looks lovely. Aw, you’re so sweet.” The mouse blushed at the praise and ran back towards the house, catching the attention of the other critters. Suddenly, all the creatures were showing Fluttershy what wild foods and trophies they had gathered.

“So, can you actually understand what they’re saying, or is it more that you’re just really good at reading an animal’s body language?” I spoke up from behind Fluttershy.

“Well, I guess I haven’t really thought about it.” She glanced around at the furry and feathery faces around her. “They just talk to me and I talk to them back. I hope that doesn’t sound too silly of me, but it’s always worked, I guess…”

“Not at all.” I shrugged. “Back home, I used to have a German shepherd, and our communication skills were almost psychic! But that was something I learned over a year of living with him. You’ve got quite a talent.” I watched the pegasus thanking each and every one of the creatures around her and sighed to myself, “Great… now I miss my puppy again…”

At that moment, Angel Bunny caught sight of me. He didn’t actually do anything, but the way he stared at me and the way his ears sprung upright as if they were full of Viagra told me that my presence unsettled him. A couple of the birds followed his example, growing strangely quiet as they stared down on me from the safety of their tree branches.

“Let’s see if there’s something we can make tea with.” Fluttershy led the way into her house. As I ducked inside, it occurred to me that the place was barely recognizable. At least, it would have been if I hadn’t already watched the episode where Discord turned the place upside-down. The parasprites had desecrated every inch of the house, from the wooden cupboards to the shredded bags in the pantry. Anything that used to house food had been ransacked, leaving chaos behind.

“Rrrowlll…” My wayward mind snapped back to the present as the largest of Fluttershy’s forest friends saw me. The giant brown bear that I had glimpsed earlier was looking at me with narrowed eyes, shuffling backwards and growing in his yawning way.

“Oh, Harry, that’s not very nice. This is our guest.” Fluttershy stepped up to the car-sized mammal as if it were a teddy bear. “This is Mark and we’re here to help him, alright? Alright, Harry?” But the bear’s scowl deepened. All around me, the constant din of animals was rising in volume.

My presence in the little hut had set off a ripple effect. All around me, within a five-foot bubble, birds were taking flight and mice were scurrying for the cover of the furniture. Fluttershy looked up in surprise as a dozen sparrows and cardinals flicked their tails and vanished out the window. The only animal that didn’t seem to be bothered by me was a sleepy leathery-skinned (and strangely familiar) tortoise, but then again, he couldn’t have run even if he wanted to.

“I’m so sorry, Mark. I just don’t know what’s gotten into them all of a sudden!” The pegasus glanced around, bewildered. I tore my eyes away from ‘Harry’ to see what she was referring to. All around me, timid wild animals were keeping their distance. Just as they had always done.

“Is something wrong?” I clarified, just to make sure we were both talking about the animals.

“Well, I just, I’ve never seen them react to one of my friends like that.”

“Like what?” If I didn’t have a headache, probably would have remembered that this wasn’t Earth anymore, it was a magical land of peace and harmony that Snow White herself would have envied.

“Well… I just don’t know. They seem so skittish around you.” A little swallow alighted on Fluttershy’s foreleg. When she tried to bring it closer to me, however, it dashed away as evanescent as a fairy.

“Oh…” I said, my shoulders deflating. “That’s how it’s always been between humans and animals.” Perhaps, somewhere deep down, they knew I was a predator.

“Oh, but. But why?” Fluttershy’s large eyes shimmered between confusion and sympathy. Not wanting either, I tried to change the subject,

“Is there anything I can do to help with the tea?”

“Oh, right! Here we go.”

Fluttershy quickly found her kettle and a stash of untouched tea leaves. The parasprites weren’t picky and had eaten anything left in the open, but my host was able to find a couple boxes of cookies and even a jar of jelly hidden in a sealed cupboard.

It felt good to relax after that morning’s exciting episode and Fluttershy and I quickly fell into a quiet, casual conversation about her cottage. Apparently, she and a few other ponies were in charge of the wellbeing of the town’s wild animals. She quickly explained, however, that the animals weren’t helpless on their own, but they sometimes needed some guidance. Little things, like scouting out new hive locations for the honey bees, helping brooding birds find enough nutrition for their hatchlings and even providing a safe and sanitary location for hibernating animals to store their hoard of food.

“So, then, a squirrel’s stockpile of nuts,” I wondered.

“Right through that door to the left.” Fluttershy beamed proudly. “At least, that’s where I would keep them, but the parasprites… Anyway, the animals are really quite helpful! They bring whatever they don’t immediately need and I just keep it safe until the winter.”

“I guess that makes more sense than you simply catering to their every need every day.” I casually sipped my tea as my eye wandered down to Angel Bunny. “Where I come from, animals instinctively do all their own foraging. If they don’t, they-” die, “-um… don’t grow up big and strong…”

“Oh, dear… That’s so harsh…” Fluttershy sounded crestfallen. Fortunately, I had one thing that I wanted to ask her that would surely cheer her up,

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Fluttershy. See, lately I’ve been missing my pets back home a lot. And, well, I haven’t asked Twilight yet, but if it’s alright with her, do you think you could, I don’t know. Could you help me find a new pet? Something to help me feel more at home?”

As predicted, Fluttershy’s smile grew like the sunrise. I don’t think she even realized that she was floating out of her chair as she gushed,

“Oh! Oh, really? You’re thinking of adopting a pet? Oh, I’d love to help!”

“Well, I mean, assuming Twilight Sparkle is ok with it. I haven’t really mentioned anything to her yet and I’m still her guest.” To my bewilderment, Fluttershy sank back into her chair.

“Oh, that’s right. I completely forgot. Twilight asked me to, well.” She looked up at me with her pale blue eyes. “Before we can find a pet for you to take care of, we need to make sure you can take care of yourself first.”

“What do you mean?” Confusion laced my voice. Fluttershy hesitated, staring down at the floor and petting her hoof as she assembled her thoughts. I tried to not stare too hard while I waited, quietly sipping my tea.

“Um… Well… Mark, you’re our friend and… Oh, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way at all, but…” Her apprehension activated just about every mental ‘red flag’ I had. Looking calm had never before been such an effort. “You see… We were just wondering… Ah… Why won’t you tell us what’s wrong?”

I froze mid-sip.

“What do you mean?” I ventured. All those red flags were silently shouting my worst fears, but there was always the chance I was wrong. Every fiber of my body was praying that this wasn’t about my little fainting incident.

“No! It’s nothing personal. Just remember that we’re all here for you, and-”

“Please.” I invited patiently. “Please be candid with me. What’s bothering you?”

“Well,” Fluttershy turned completely away from me as she tried to avoid my gaze. “We don’t know everything about humans, but all of us, lots of ponies, agree that you don’t look well. Applejack says that every week you seem to lose some energy. Rainbow Dash told us that you’ve been spending more time walking on your own, but going less and less far. And Twilight Sparkle was worried because you’re not healing from bruises as fast as you used to.” The little pegasus glanced back at me. “I’ve noticed, too that you look a lot more pale nowadays.”

So, my secret wasn’t as secret as I thought.

The mild herb tea that I had been drinking turned bitter in my stomach. Instead of its pleasant warmth, an ember of anger smoldered in my chest. My tongue worked nervously in its bed, which was probably the reason why my voice sounded deeper than I intended when I said,

“So, then… Did they put you up to this? Figure I’d be more willing to talk if it was just the two of us out here having a nice cup of tea?” I set down my cup and saucer with a definite clink.

“No! Well, yes, but that’s not-”

“How much you wanna bet Twilight’s got her ear pressed to the window?” I stood up suddenly. “Or Pinkie Pie? Right, there’s no way I’d be able to catch her, though. Brilliant plan, girls!”

“It’s nothing like that.” Fluttershy insisted. “We just all wanted you to know that we want to help. Whatever’s happening, we want you to know that you can trust us and if something’s hurting you, we want you to be able to tell us.”

“And what if you’re hurting me?” I demanded. My fingers were twitching without my consent, adding to the feeling of irritation and unease pumping through my veins. “Or what if I’m hurting me? It’s not so simple as a little friendship problem, Fluttershy! But if you insist on pushing the boundaries of personal space, that’s exactly what this is going to be! Apparently, my friends don’t trust me to take care of my own problems. Apparently, they think they know what’s best for me! Apparently, they don’t believe in me!”

An emotional pressure was welling up within me, forcing the air out of my lungs faster and faster until I was practically shouting. Every small critter in the house was chattering, chirping and crying, adding to my throbbing headache. I could feel the muscles in my face pulling painfully, threatening to twist my expression into something resembling Mark Hamill crying. Fluttershy, however, remained strangely calm.

“But, how is anything better if you keep it to yourself?” She asked with her softest voice. “You look like you’re in a lot of pain, trying to hold whatever is wrong inside you. And have you thought about us? We’re your friends, too. It hurts us when we can’t stop what’s hurting you.”

Everything in my head and neck tightened. My jaw locked up, my throat narrowed and tears were forced from my leering eyes. After a couple forced breaths, I managed to say,

“Yes, it hurts. And I don’t like this any more than you do, but as my friends, just know that it’s for the best.” I suddenly turned towards the door, leaving Fluttershy staring after me with a wounded expression. “And please, don’t ask me again, because I just might tell you what’s wrong. And I couldn’t bear hurting you like that.”

“Mark-”

I threw the door closed behind me and marched forward as quickly as I could, not caring where I went or how I got there, but determined to move fast enough so that Fluttershy wouldn’t follow me. My misty eyes showed only enough of the dirt path for me to put one foot in front of the other and my seizing lungs mechanically inhaled and exhaled. Troubled thoughts pursued me like wasps.

There you have it.

My secret had caught up to me. Taking one nutrition class as a ‘filler’ in one college semester hardly made me an expert, but there was no denying the signs. Pale? Difficulty sleeping? Lack of energy? Headaches? Fainting?

… Irritable?

“Shut up!” I snapped at the air.

I was malnourished. And I didn’t have to be a genius to guess what I wasn’t getting enough of. There simply wasn’t enough protein in an equestrian diet to support healthy human functions. At least, not in the way humans could metabolize it. Forget the initial ‘culture shock’ that normally trips up first-time vegetarians, I had been effectively starving my body for months and now my little secret was manifesting before my friend’s eyes. It was my nightmare come true.

I couldn’t hide it anymore. They knew something was wrong and the longer I held to my new diet, the worse the symptoms would become. What was the most extreme symptom the professor had mentioned? Lack of brain function? Muscle deterioration? Internal injury? It didn’t matter. I was hurting.

But it wasn’t my choice. I simply couldn’t bring myself to kill something for a mouthful of food. I refused to bring blood to Equestria just so I could reduce a living, breathing creature to a mere meal. My own life wasn’t worth the dozens, hundreds, of sentient animals I’d need to consume to stay healthy. (Not to mention, whatever I hunted would probably beg for its life until the end…)

I couldn’t tell the girls. They trusted me as an ally, as a representative of the human race, and as a friend. I would betray all of that if they knew that my health came from trading in the lives of other creatures. But as it stood now, they thought I didn’t trust them. I thought they didn’t trust me. They thought I was hurting myself. I thought they were hurting me. My obstinate behavior was wounding them. Their prying was wounding me.

Round and around and around the thoughts buzzed until I begged for relief. My first solution was to take one of my relaxing walks, but I realized that I didn’t feel like walking anywhere. I just didn’t have the energy. With that depressing realization, I sunk down on a bench under a tree and cradled my hand within my clawed fingers.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Dark and gloomy thoughts dipped in and out of my head like vultures. And they didn’t have to be fully formed or logical, either. I thought of running away, of hiding in the Everfree, living off the creatures found there and returning to Ponyville whenever a new episode was happening. But that would only make me freakier than I already was to the ponies. I thought of simply leaving, wandering into new lands where no creature would care if I ate meat or not. But that would mean never seeing any of my friends again. I even thought of asking Zecora to brew something that would change me into a pony, or even just an herbivore., but there was no indication that such a procedure really existed or what the side-effects would be. (I remembered that most of the destruction around me was due to the unexpected side-effect of a particularly large and hasty spell.)

Perhaps if my ears weren’t buzzing with my own depression, I might have heard a couple mares coming up the path towards me. If my eyes weren’t covered by my hands, I might had seen them watching me warily. If I wasn’t so self-absorbed, I might had realized they were talking about me,

“I don’t know… Shouldn’t we just steer clear of him?”

“Come on, Lyra. We can’t just leave him like that.”

“It’s not a puppy, Bon Bon. What if he actually wants to be alone?”

“Really? I know you’d never want me to leave you like that.”

“That’s not fair…”

“Tell you what. I’ll check it out while you wait here. In three minutes, come up with an urgent excuse for me to leave.”

“All right… Just-”

“-Don’t let him follow me home?”

“That’s what I was going to say!”

“I know, Lyra.”

“Well, go on, then. Three minutes.”

“Three minutes.”

I was right in the middle of a particularly half-baked melancholy (involving hunting rodents at night) when a shadow fell over my feet. I looked up to see a vanilla-colored earth pony with a curly pink and purple mane. She was carrying baskets on her sides full of colorful banners to replace those the swarm had eaten.

“Can I help you, Bon Bon?” I straightened up, trying to wipe away my puffy eyes. She blinked.

“That’s my line. But yeah, I was going to ask if everything was all right.”

“Why does everypony keep asking me-” I threw my hands up in the air, leapt to my feet and was just about to throw myself into a rant when I realized that I didn’t care anymore. The energy left my limbs and I collapsed back onto the bench like a deflated ‘waving man’. (The kind you see at cheap car dealerships whenever they have a sale.) With my head hanging limply over the back of my seat and my eyes staring into the sky, I admitted,

“No… Everything’s not all right…” Bon Bon shuffled her hooves for a second before venturing,

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“… Sure…” What did I have to lose? “Why not?” Bon Bon respectfully kept silent while I gathered my thoughts and sat down beside me. I didn’t know where to begin, so I started off vague, “Friendship problems always look so easy when they’re not your own, huh?”

“I thought that’s what this looked like.” The cream-colored mare nodded knowingly. “Friends… You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them!”

“Yeah… Well, today’s problem is all about secrets and worrying about other people’s business and… Do you know what it’s like to keep a secret from your friend? I mean a dangerous secret? One where you think you’re protecting them, but they think you’re being hurtful until it gets to the point where you don’t know if you’ve caused more damage to your friendship by hiding something all along?”

Bon Bon looked up at me with large, shocked eyes. Apparently, she hadn’t been expecting something quite that philosophical right off the bat. To my surprise, she just went with it,

“Wow!... That’s… oddly specific… But everyone has their secrets, I guess.”

“But it’s not my secret anymore.” I stared off into space, picturing the concerned look Twilight Sparkle gave me when I woke up in the hospital. “My other friends know something is wrong and they’re angry that I won’t tell them what it is.”

“And what happens if you tell them?”

“… Everything will change…” My throat grew tight as if someone had just pulled a noose around it. “They’ll never look at me the same way again. There’d be no going back…” My nose tickled.

“… How do you know?” The mare asked. “How do you know things will change?”

“You don’t know what the secret is.” I winced angrily. “It’s like betrayal!”

“Well, if it’s that serious, and they already suspect that something is wrong, don’t you think they should hear it from you instead of finding it out for themselves?” Bon Bon tilted her head, sending her curls bouncing. “I mean, if you want to talk about betrayal, then you can at least show them that you trust them enough to be honest when the time comes. Losing a friend’s trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-”

“Forever!” Bon Bon and I practically leapt out of our skin as Pinkie Pie sprung up behind our bench, growling angrily. However, the pink pony immediately sank back out of sight like a periscope and when I bent back to look for her, she had vanished.

“Well… That was random…” Bon bon’s eyes were stuck wide open.

“You’d think so…” I muttered.

“But think about it.” She continued. “We all have our secrets and we all have our reasons, but when it comes down to it, no secret is going to last forever. And a secret is a terrible burden to carry around. Wouldn’t you rather let somepony support you when you’re struggling? Sharing what you’ve kept bottled up might seem scary, but if your friendship if a true one, both of you will be stronger for it. And you’ll be closer with your friends than ever before. You’ll prove to each other that you don’t have to ever deal with things alone.”

“It sounds like a nice theory…” I muttered. “But I don’t know if I have the courage to take the first step.”

“Then ask yourself, what’s more important? Your secret or your friends?”

“Bon Bon! Over here! Come quick! There’s a giant hairy bumblebee!” A sleek, minty-green unicorn waved at us frantically from the head of a narrow street. Lyra Heartstrings seemed desperate for Bon Bon to join her. The earth pony waved back and got to her hooves. She glanced back at me and smiled slyly,

“Just talk with them. After all… Nopony wants to be alone.” And with that, Bon Bon trotted off to her friend. I smiled warmly at the ground between my feet, mulling over her words in my head. If I had paid attention to the two ponies for a moment longer, I might have heard them saying,

“A bumblebee? That’s the best you could come up with, Lyra?”

“Well, just look at it! It’s ginormous! You could shave it and make a sweater out of it!”

“Ew! No thank you! I hate bugs…”

I finally realized that I wanted to talk with my friends more than anything. I had been alone for too long, had been bottling up my innermost thoughts for too long, I simply wanted someone to share them with.

That only made it more painful when I remembered that I couldn’t.

Carnivores were monsters. There was no getting around that fact. In this world, animals weren’t dumb or brainless, they were just differently-shaped people. Where was the distinction between pony and cow and rabbit? Was there one? Would the ponies care?

“Now I know how Kaneki felt in the first episode of Tokyo Ghoul.” I groaned, looking around at the world of edible animals I was living in. “Like a predator desperately wishing it wasn’t.”

But Bon Bon’s words weren’t completely wasted on me. I needed help. I wanted help. I needed my friends. Now more than ever. I started thinking of ways I could get the best of both worlds, (this scene is too serious to tell a Miley Cyrus joke) a way that would let me tell them about what was bothering me without changing the way they saw me.

Unfortunately, life moved me into checkmate before I could even come up with a strategy.

“Oof! Hey there, Mark!” Pinkie Pie fell out of a nearby tree like a piece of ripe fruit.

“Pinkie Pie? What are you doing there? Actually, you know what? Don’t answer that.” She ignored me,

“Well, after I said ‘foREver’, I remembered something important that I forgot, and so I hovered nearby, as unobtrusive and graceful as a pelican. Rainbow Dash is right, those trees are comfy! I can see why she likes them. Of course, I prefer to nap on marshmallows whenever I can find enough. But what can you do when-”

“You remembered something important?” I tried to jump her train of thought back onto the right tracks.

“Hm? Oh! Right! How are you?” She looked up at me expectantly, blinking.

“What is it?”

“That was it, silly! How are you?”

“What do you mean?” I was too flustered to realize that this was the hundredth time I’d been asked that.

“Yeesh! And here I was, thinking you spoke fluent Equestian. ‘How are you?’ is an interrogative sentence composed of three words, designed as an informal query about the listener’s health, either due to a genuine concern or a casual greeting between friends and/or acquaintances. The first word ‘how’ implies an action that is unknown to the speaker, so it signifies that a variable is being inquired about. ‘Are’ is a tricky one, as it’s the fundamental state of being the object is currently occupying and thus-”

“I’m fine!” I shouted against the torrent of words washing over me.

“Oh! That’s a relief!” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “When Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy conspired together and hatched that plot to casually invite you to tea so that they could lure you into a false sense of security and manipulate you into opening up about the deep dark secret that’s been slowly eating you up, I figured something serious was going on!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “But it’s nice to know that your talk with Fluttershy helped you feel better.”

“What?” I frowned. “I never said that. In fact, we didn’t talk about that at all.”

“You didn’t?”

“No, we didn’t. I stormed out before that.”

“Oh! Then you’re in luck!”

“How so…?” I asked cautiously.

“Well, I thought you were done confiding in Fluttershy, so I figured everypony would want to know how much better you felt now that that was behind you, so I called them all over while you were talking to Bon Bon.”

“You what?” My heart fell into my stomach with a sickening splash.

“But this is even better! I’m not implying that I was dropping eves, but I agree with Bon Bon. The best way to cure a festering secret is to blab it to the world! And now here’s your chance!”

“I told them they were just being silly, but you know what a worrywart Twi can be.” In a flurry of rainbow-colored wind, a cyan pegasus dropped out of the sky and trotted up beside me. “There’s no reason to worry about you. You’re pretty tough, Mark. Just not as tough as me! I’ve never had to go to the hospital!”

“Dash?” I asked uncertainly. “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know. Pinkie said it was important. Said you had something to tell us.”

“No! I don’t!” I spun around. “Pinkie! Tell her you were mistaken!”

“Now now…” The pink mare clicked her tongue in a motherly fashion. “Just trust Dr. Pie. The best way to resolve this problem is to stop dancing around it. Just like the best way to get rid of a bug bite is to scratch it vigorously!”

“You’re insane…” I gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Rainbow Dash looked up at me.

“Nothing!” I snapped.

“Well, you could’ve fooled me.” A drawl-laced voice came from behind Rainbow Dash. Applejack was pulling a cart full of debris behind her and she wore a critical expression beneath her Stetson.

“Applejack…?”

“Really, dear, we just want what’s best for you.” I whirled around to see Rarity and Twilight Sparkle cautiously stepping forward. My friends surrounded me like a pack of velociraptors. There was nowhere to run.

“Rarity? Twilight? You don’t understand…. I-”

“What wouldn’t we understand?” Rainbow Dash demanded.

“I don’t need your help...” I tried to speak, tried to smile, but the sound that came from my lips quivered. The gesture on my face faltered. “I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Oh, stop actin’ all high an’ mighty, Mark!” Applejack shook off her harness and marched forward. “Weren’t you there with me when I learned to put some pride aside and admit when I needed help?”

“This is different!”

“How so?” Twilight invited. “What makes it different? What could be worth all this frustration for?”

“Frustration?” Rainbow Dash cocked her head. “He’s just a little under the weather, isn’t he?”

“Well, Mark, now that we’re all here, here’s your chance!” Pinkie Pie cheered.

“I never said I wanted this!” I bellowed.

“But Fluttershy-”

“I never spoke with Fluttershy!”

“You what?” Twilight blinked, confused. She glanced behind her to where Fluttershy had soundlessly crept onto the scene. The yellow pegasus looked as if she wanted to disappear as she admitted,

“He thought… I mean, he didn’t really want to talk very much… At least, not about his problem…”

“I don’t have a problem!” I spun from one face to the other.

“Now you’re just lyin’!” Applejack accused. “We weren’t born yesterday, y’know.”

“And you! If you wanted to say something, why not just say it to my face? Instead, you’re kibitzing with Twilight?”

“I tried talking to you! We all did!” The earth pony retorted. “But you’d just clam up!”

“Enough! This is getting ridiculous!” Rarity scolded.

“Yeah!” I agreed.

“Mark, I have to agree with Applejack. You simply must learn when to let your friends help you.” The white unicorn locked eyes with me. “And now is as good a time as any!”

“No!”

“Come on! Don’t you think you’ve been dancing around this long enough?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Please… I don’t think that yelling is helping…” Fluttershy’s voice was buried under the growing wave of noise.

It was the most unusual assault I’ve ever experienced. From every direction, came accusations, worries, and scoldings, and all the while, each pony thought they were doing me a favor. Their faces ranged from frustrated, to confused, to fretful, to genuinely concerned. My head throbbed as if Athena was trying to break out of it and my blood began to boil. This wasn’t how I’d pictured this moment. Not like this. Not now. Not in front of Fluttershy. In self defense, I lashed out,

“Shut up! Shut up all of you!”

“But Mark…”

“No! I refuse!”

“You’re sick! We just want to help you!” Twilight insisted.

“And I’ll stay sick! That’s the way it has to be!”

“Just tell us what it is already!” Rainbow Dash shrugged her hooves helplessly.

“I’d rather die!” I roared.

“Mister Mark! That’s quite enough!” Fluttershy suddenly leapt up from where she had been crouching. She flared her wings, rose above my head, folded her forelegs, and all of a sudden,

I was struck by the full power of the Stare.

There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in a storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man. Or, in this case, mare. In that moment, I knew. I knew what it was like to feel small. What it was like to have one’s soul crushed under the sheer weight of anothers’. It was as if all my anger, all my frustration, all my compounding emotional momentum had suddenly been turned back upon me and I saw myself in her eyes. I was startled by my behavior and ashamed of how I had lost control. (Later, I would theorize that this was the true power of the Stare, to crush anger by reflecting it back upon itself. And that’s why it didn’t work on Discord. He wasn’t actually angry to begin with.) At that moment, however, all I knew was that I couldn’t fight anymore. My heart was raw and bare before the power of the gentle pegasus’s glare.

“Now, are we going to keep yelling, or are you ready to talk?” Fluttershy demanded.

“…T- talk…” I nodded dumbly.

“Do you think that was nice of you? Raising your voice?”

I shook my head, unable to speak.

“Don’t you remember your friends? Aren’t these girls your friends?” The pegasus asked.

I nodded, but couldn’t look away from the Stare. I could feel my bottom lip trembling.

“Is that really any way to treat your friends?”

“…*sniff*…”

“So? What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry!” I collapsed onto my knees and buried my head beneath my shaking shoulders. “I’m so sorry!...”

The other ponies stood nearby, unsure of what was happening or how to react, but I didn’t care. It was unfair of me to shout at them. It was uncalled for. All they were doing was trying to help me. And I had returned their kindness by flinging accusations at them. I crumbled away as I repeated my apology over and over again. Suddenly, a tender hoof stroked my back,

“There, there. Nobody blames you. There’s no need to be worried. You’re just not feeling yourself. You’ve still got your friends. We’re still here for you.” Fluttershy whispered. She laid her neck on mine and gave the softest hug I’d ever felt.

“I don’t get it.” Rainbow Dash shifted awkwardly on her hooves.

“Now, Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy looked up, “Can’t you see how scared he is? Mark was willing to give up everything because he didn’t know how we were going to react to his secret. Don’t you think you should show some more support?” The other pegasus fell silent.

“But this still hasn’t changed anything.” Rarity whispered. Fluttershy continued petting my shoulder.

“Are you ready to tell them?” She asked. I was still shaking, but managed to nod.

“Yeah. They need to know. You all deserve to know.”

“Is this about how you need to eat meat?” Fluttershy asked. I hiccupped as a sob was cut short. I looked up into Fluttershy’s face, but I couldn’t find any trace of uncertainty. She merely smiled reassuringly.

“… How…” My mouth opened and closed uselessly. It was a miracle that even that one word escaped.

“Did she just say, ‘meat’?” Applejack clarified.

“Say what now?” Rainbow Dash flinched.

“I beg pardon?” Rarity held a hoof to her neck.

“Meat! Mark’s a carnivore!” Pinkie Pie shouted to the heavens. “Wait, what?”

“Do you want to explain?” Fluttershy held onto my hand as I slowly stood up. “I think that would be best.”

“… Sure…”

My mind was still reeling from the emotional whiplash it was going through, but I decided that I should try and clarify a few things before the girls jumped to any conclusions. I looked around at the circle of faces. Applejack looked eager to hear my explanation, but patient. Rainbow Dash looked eager and impatient. Poor Rarity didn’t know if she wanted me to explain or not. And Pinkie Pie was as expressionless as a dry-erase board. Only Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy didn’t look in the least surprised. Not how I imagined their reactions.

“She’s right…” I gestured to Fluttershy. “But only partly right. Turns out… humans are omnivores.”

“You eat everything?” Twilight clarified.

“Well, where I come from, there aren’t any lithovores, like Spike, or auravores, like the wendigos. When a human says ‘everything’, they really just mean the commonly accepted food groups.” I held up my fingers and started counting, “Grains, vegetables, fruit, dairy and… proteins…”

“Meat.” Rainbow Dash tilted her head down and looked at me through her bangs. “And we’re made of meat.”

“We don’t eat horses!” I explained hastily. “But yes, animals.”

“Oh my…” Rarity glanced sideways at Twilight, but the purple pony just nodded and said,

“So that’s why you didn’t want to tell us? You thought we’d be frightened of you?”

“Well, yes…” I rubbed my shoulder. “… Are you?” There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as I searched the surrounding faces for any sign of emotion. As expected, Rainbow Dash was the first to speak up,

“Hey, you already said you don’t eat ponies. So what’s the problem?” I’d be hard pressed to express the gratitude I felt towards her in that moment. Rainbow Dash stepped forward supportively and the other ponies eventually followed her example.

“Though, this will still take some explaining.” Rarity clarified.

“Best we start from the beginning.” Applejack encouraged.

“Well, I don’t really know where to start.” I gestured helplessly. “Equestria is different from my home. Culturally, you all have very close friendships with farm animals and forest animals. I didn’t want to tell you girls, especially Fluttershy, because I didn’t want to see your reaction when you found out I could eat your critter friends.” I glanced down at the yellow pegasus, still holding my hand. “Which reminds me, how did you find out, Fluttershy?”

“Oh… that…” She blushed and looked away. “It really wasn’t anything special…”

“Don’t let her fool you.” Twilight Sparkle spoke up. “It was mostly her theory, after all.”

“What did she theorize?” I asked.

“Well, when you first arrived in Ponyville, Mark, I was talking with Fluttershy about your weird teeth.” The nerdy pony explained, “We were trying to figure out what kind of foods you were built for, but my research was going nowhere. Your canines are too big to be a complete herbivore, but they’re tiny compared to an actual carnivore.”

“And so I said, ‘well, maybe he only eats a little meat’.” Fluttershy explained.

“And that was the best theory I had.” Twilight shrugged.

“Well… for me at least… um… it was your eyes.” The yellow pegasus looked away again.

“My eyes?”

“The way they look forward…” Fluttershy hid behind her hair to avoid the curious looks from the other ponies. “I’ve noticed, well, that only predators have eyes on the front of their face… You know, instead of the sides like bunnies and doves…”

“… I see…”

“Well, until I met you, at least!” The shy pegasus quickly corrected. “You’re no monster! Right, girls?”

“Ah…” Rarity still seemed hesitant.

“Well, duh!” Rainbow Dash smiled easily.

“Right noble of you, partner.” Applejack tipped her hat. “After seein’ how you’d rather get sick instead of frighten us all, that’s some true sacrifice right there! It ain’t easy for a guy to go hungry. That is, if’n Big Mac’s any indication…”

Pinkie Pie had been standing quietly for a while now, but her cheeks had been gradually swelling as if they were holding a mixture of baking soda and vinegar. Finally, she burst out,

“Whatdoesmeattastelike?”

“Pinkie?” I frowned.

“I’m curious.” She shrugged. “Because I had a dream once where I ‘accidentally’ ate a squirrel and it tasted like cookie dough.”

“What do you mean, ‘accidentally’?” Applejack cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, it’s got to be properly cleaned of course, but there’s all kinds of variations. Meats can be heavy, like beef, or light, like poultry. And the texture can be rubbery, like sushi or really solid, like pork…” My words died out when I saw the look on Rarity’s face. The white unicorn was squinting and her top lip was threatening to curl up in disgust. (Even if she didn’t know what any of those words meant, her imagination was filling in the blanks.) “You know what? I’m not going to explain it.”

“Wha-?” Pinkie’s ears drooped.

“No. That’s just disrespectful to you guys and it’s disrespectful to your culture. I mean, how would I feel if a blue, gelatinous jellyfish alien came to my hometown and started describing how to properly suck brains out from human ears? Yeah, I’d probably feel like Rarity over there.”

“I think I might have to excuse myself.” Never before had a white unicorn looked so green.

“You mean you’ve met blue gelatinous jellyfish aliens before?”

“Of course not, Pinkie! It’s a metaphor! Ouch!” A sharp pain drove into my forehead again. The headache had never really left, but as soon as I tried to raise my voice, it came back with a vengeance.

“This is really serious, Mark.” Fluttershy put a hoof on my forehead. “You really should have come to us sooner. Come on, let’s find you some food.”

“Like what?” I lamented. “I’m not going anywhere near your forest friends. How the heck am I going to supplement my diet?”

“I might have an idea.” She said quietly. I was going to ask, but Fluttershy merely took me by the hand and led be back towards her cottage. “I think there’s something you need to see. Twilight, I’ll be helping Mark, so could you please explain everything to the other girls?”

“Sure thing, Fluttershy. Good luck.” Twilight Sparkle waved at us and then turned to face the remaining ponies. Until I fell out of earshot, I could hear her describing to the girls about carnivorism in the most objective way possible and how it’s not inherently evil.

“So… what did you want to show me?” I asked my guide.

“You’ll see…” She simply said.

Sure enough, she led me all the way back to her cottage and then asked me to wait while she found a snack for her critter friends. I stood out of the way while she flew to and fro, laying out little bowls and filling them with vegetables and berries. She hummed lightly to herself as she poured out seed for the songbirds and then set to work digging up grubs for the nesting chicks. Finally, I watched her catch a couple small fish to feed a family of ferrets living beneath her bridge. I watched silently, slowly coming to accept what had been in front of me all along,

“So, the ‘circle of life’ is nothing new to you after all.” I whispered as she trotted back to me.

“You sound surprised, Mark.”

“Well, here I was thinking you’d be appalled to learn about my eating habits.”

“Not at all. I mean, it’s just a fact of life, after all… Even if animals sometimes have to eat other animals, there’s no reason we can’t all be friends.”

“You… are a singularly remarkable person, Fluttershy.” I sighed, shaking my head, but smiling. She glanced at the ground and looked back into her house. Harry the bear was just finishing up a bowl of berries and was nudging it across the floor.

“Oh! Um… so I was thinking…” Fluttershy went into her cottage and led out the giant mammal. Harry’s beady eyes narrowed when he saw me, but the yellow pegasus was quick to chastise him, “Now, Harry, we’ll have none of that. This is Mark. He’s our friend now, all right?”

“Weaargh!” Giant brown shoulders shrugged.

“That’s better.” Fluttershy grinned. “Now Mark needs some help and I think you are just the person to help him.”

“Say what?” I looked from the little pegasus to the mountain of muscle and fur towering over her.

“Harry is always going into the Everfree forest, so I figured he’d be a perfect guide for you, Mark.” Fluttershy explained. “He knows where it’s safe and where all the best fishing spots are, isn’t that right, Harry?”

“Hmmmph!” I couldn’t tell if that gesture was a grimace or a dopy grin.

“So, Mark, as long as you’re away from Ponyville, you shouldn’t have to worry about what you’re hunting.” My friend gave a small, but nervous smile. “And besides, I don’t want you ever going in there alone anymore, all right?”

“Sounds good. Thank you, Fluttershy.” I walked up to Harry and (after realizing that I was seriously asking a bear) said, “Sound good to you, Harry?”

“Rrawwwhnph!” The bear just yawned and lumbered past me.

“He says, ‘sure’.” Fluttershy translated. “Oh, Im’ so glad…”

After that, Fluttershy and I finally had our talk. I didn’t hide anything anymore, and if Fluttershy found our conversation about proper meat cooking techniques disgusting, she didn’t show it. In fact, she was attentive and polite through the whole thing. Also, it was during that conversation that I remembered more details from my nutrition class, like how I could use beans and rice to supplement my protein intake. Or spinach to supplement my iron intake. It was remarkable how simply talking aloud helped me so much more than keeping silent.

The next day, Harry and I made our first expedition together to the Everfree Forest. Though he still seemed nervous around me, the big guy showed me his own private fishing hole. It was a cool and quiet stretch of river filled with large rocks and deep dips in the bed. The icy water was crystal clear and I could just barely make out the silhouettes of fish nestled in the wake of the stones. Before I could even get a fire started, my hairy guide had plucked a gorgeous trout out of the water and tossed it onto the bank.

It was a spiritual experience. At first, I couldn’t even eat the fish because my throat tightened up. After cleaning and cooking it, I fell to my knees and thanked God for his blessings. I didn’t thank him for the fish, of course, that would have been selfish and more than a little creepy. No, I was thankful for the good friends I had found. For friends who were there for me even when I didn’t appreciate them. For a true friendship that didn’t let me go, despite my hardships and secrets.

And the support I found from my friends was more than I could have ever hoped for. Rainbow Dash was the first to pretend as if nothing had happened. Though this might seem callous of her and overly-trusting, I found that it was the best thing anyone could have done for me. I had always feared that things would change between me and the girls if they ever found out I ate meat, but Rainbow’s loyalty helped heal my heart more than anything. (Whether she knew it or not.)

Applejack surprised me by purchasing beans and rice in bulk and helped me find good prices for things like tofu and spinach. She also pointed out how Winona was technically a carnivore, but also a valued member of the family. Once again, I had missed that detail simply because I was caught up in my own thoughts.

Pinkie Pie was probably the most awkward change after my ‘episode’. We kept having conversations like this one,

“What do blue jays taste like? Blueberries?”

“Never tried them.”

“Then, what about pigs?”

“A heavy meat, sweeter than most, it’s commonly a breakfast course.”

“What do dogs taste like?”

“Never tried ‘em.”

“Well, what do grasshoppers taste like?”

“Never tried them. I got one of those cricket-lollypops once, but I couldn’t actually get to the bug because the candy was so revolting.”

“What do ants taste like?”

“Spicy, and I don’t want to explain why I know that.”

“What do ponies taste like?”

“For the last time, I’ve never eaten horse meat. Though, I’ve heard some speculation that certain pegasi taste like chicken and certain unicorns taste like marshmallows…”

“How do you make a meat cupcake?”

“You don’t.”

“But-”

“Don’t even go there… EVER!”

Rarity’s attitude towards me was probably the most changed. At least, the most similar to how I had feared the ponies would react. Whenever I spoke with her, the conversation would feel forced and wooden. I would catch her glancing at my teeth and sometimes she’d even avoid eye contact. But, even she eventually overcame her apprehension by admitting,

“Well, I still think eating meat is unfit for decent civilization, but I suppose it can’t be helped… And you have certainly proven yourself to be a gentleman about it all…”

My recovery over the next couple months was slow, but between Fluttershy’s tender treatment, Twilight’s watchful care, and my new recipes, I was soon back to my old self. As it turned out, crankiness and depression were both symptoms that accompanied malnutrition. Well, perhaps I was a little different. That vegetarian diet really threw my digestive system off-kilter and I had become pretty lean.

Bon Bon had been right all along. Yes, it was scary to reveal a secret. Yes, it had been hard on my friendships. Yes, things had changed. But in the end, my friends had supported me. My friendships were stronger than ever. And things had changed for the best.

“So, did you learn anything about friendship?” Twilight Sparkle asked me when the whole ordeal had finished.

“Dear Princess Twilight,” I began sarcastically, “today I learned that sometimes the solution to your problems can come from where you least expect it. And that sometimes, your friends might surprise you when you take the time to actually listen to them.”

“Sounds like you could have saved everyone a lot of trouble if you had actually been paying attention to my friendship report to the princess.” Twilight shook her head.

“Don’t worry.” I said quickly, “I won’t make the same mistake twice.”

Author's Note

Ponyville’s population is a lot more than six mares (and a dragon). I hope to be able to bring forward a lot more background ponies in the future, showing just how tangible and fleshed-out the world is. Anypony you’d like to see in the future? (Not-quite-spoiler: Mark and Cherry Berry become friends.)

Ch 10: The Return of Entropy

Chapter 10
The Return of Entropy

“What do you think, Mark?”

My wayward mind snapped back to the present so quickly that it knocked my head against the back of my train seat. Startled, and now hurting, I turned to look at the three pairs of eyes staring up at me. My classmates, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were waiting for my answer, but I had completely missed the question.

“I don’t know. 42 perhaps? What were we talking about?”

“Aw, come on!” Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

“I told you he wasn’t listening.” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Our cutiemarks!” an exasperated Apple Bloom explained. “Do you think we’ll get them on this here field trip?”

“Not likely.” Is what I said, but I knew for certain that even season 4 would come and go before they got their little butt-badges. Personally, I doubted the writers would ever brand the CMC. Partly because anything they put on their flanks would destroy thousands of wonderful headcannons, but also because then there’d be no Cutie Mark Crusaders. What would they do after that? Yet, I couldn’t stand the looks of disappointment that I had elicited from my little friends, so I quickly added,

“But think about it. Do you really want a destiny in looking at old statues? What would that even look like?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think it would be kind of fitting, don’t you, Silver Spoon?”

“Yeah! Since they almost became old statues themselves!” I looked up to find the source of the nasal-y taunting. Two more fillies, a pink one with a little tiara on her silky mane and a grey one with horned glasses propped themselves over the back of the seat in front of me. For a moment, they looked like Frenchmen peering over a castle wall in a Monty Python movie.

“Silver Spoon! That was my line!” The pink one, Diamond Tiara, shoved her sidekick. The Cutie Mark Crusaders and I looked at the unwanted company and groaned as if Excalibur from Soul Eater had come to town.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon. Bored of this train already?” I said stiffly.

“What do you two want?” Scootaloo snapped.

“Well, this is an art field trip,” Diamond Tiara sneered, “and you girls were talking about your cutiemarks, so I drew you some art to put on your blank flank. It goes perfect with your eyes, Scootaloo.”

The pink filly dropped a piece of paper onto the car’s floor. On its surface was a much-exaggerated and scribble-laden representation of a cockatrice head, complete with fangs, worms in its ears and giant bloodshot eyes. The two bullies chittered with laughter while the CMC girls tucked their tails between their legs. Nopony knew how it happened, but news had somehow gotten out about the three filly’s run-in with the monster and it had clung to them like a bad stink.

“That’s a terrible drawing!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “That’s not art!” I looked from the doodle to the crestfallen fillies and back.

“Oh, I don’t know, Sweetie Belle…” I swept the piece of paper up and scrutinized it. “Art, like all things, is simply a matter of… perspective.”

I held the picture up, squinted at it, turned it towards the light, and then leaned next to the little white unicorn. With the paper at arms’ length, it perfectly eclipsed Diamond Tiara’s head, transforming her into a gaping little chimera.

“Now that, my dear, is art.” What had been a downtrodden and embarrassed little filly only a moment before immediately squealed with high-pitched hilarity. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo quickly crowded in to see what Sweetie Belle found so compelling, only to erupt with laughter of their own. On the other side of the doodle, Diamond Tiara’s face turned beet red.

“Knock it off! I’ll call teacher!” She commanded.

“So she can critique your art too? I think the worm running from one ear to the other will leave quite the impression.” Before the pink filly could respond, I looked back at the CMCs. “You’d all better get back to your seats. The train will be stopping in just a minute.”

“Ok!”

“Right!”

“Thanks, Mark!”

I sighed contentedly as the group dispersed, taking their seats as our car climbed up the last tracks to Canterlot. The distraction had been just what I needed, but now that it had ended, I was back to staring out my window. My ghostly reflection in the glass looked troubled.

That train ride was actually the culmination of a number of smaller adventures leading up to that day, starting way back when I told Twilight Sparkle that I wanted to learn magic. She, of course, had been nothing if not enthralled with the idea of taking on a student, but within mere moments it became obvious that I’d need to do a lot of reading. Quite an obstacle for someone who couldn’t read Equestrian.

Our solution? Get some help from a pony who knew a thing or two about teaching ponies their letters. And that is how I became Cheerilee’s oldest student. Was it hard? Not really. I’d just sit in on the last couple hours of class after I’d finished my chores on Sweet Apple Acres. Was it complicated? Not really. The pony alphabet was phonetic, so if you don’t count the occasional odd pronunciation rule, one could learn how to read in a week. Was it awkward sitting at the back of the class like a gorilla in a room full of kittens? Absolutely. And Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon made every effort to remind me how much I stuck out like a sore shoenail (thumb).

On the plus side, that just meant that I was practically an honorable member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And no, I did not have to bare my blank backside to become a member.

So, slowly, but surely, Twilight Sparkle and I were working through an introductory course to magic. Things were going well. Very well, in fact. That is, until Cheerilee’s curriculum took on a more history-oriented course, with a special focus on renaissance-esque art and architecture. It was all very innocent until the day I realized what episode this was. Everything became clear the day Cheerilee announced the field trip to see the legendary Canterlot statue garden. She even let me come along.

“Discord…” I whispered into the window. My fingers fidgeted nervously and I realized they were moist.

I had mixed feelings about that day, about that episode, and about my role in it. I couldn’t deny that I was excited. Discord was one of my all-time favorite characters, let alone an excellent and intelligent villain. With his zany chaos, swollen confidence, trickster skills, and a magnificent voice actor to boot, the draconequus had once again proven what an amazing show this was! John De Lancie’s chuckle alone was enough to propel Discord up to an ‘8’ on my villain ranking system.

However, nagging thoughts had begun to tug at the corners of my mind. Shadows that I had banished to obscurity, but would no longer be ignored. If this last season had driven one axiom into my head, it was the fact that I was actually in Equestria. And the real Equestria didn’t have a little box in the corner of my vision saying ‘TV-Y’. A vengeful god of chaos running amok might not be all chocolate rain and soapy streets; I needed to know if this world’s Discord was different from the one I knew, and what he would and could do to the ponies that bound him thousands of years ago.

I was powerless to do anything, however. Not until I got to Canterlot, anyways. I took a deep breath to steady myself and glanced down at my lap. One of my magic text books lay there, but it was still open to the page I had started on. For the fifth time since getting on the train, I tried to focus,

… To simplify these observations, the alchemists proposed that magic consists of four basic states of being, or laws, represented by Stone, Water, Air and Fire. These pillars of philosophy came to be known as the affinities, or pillars of alchemy.

Stone is the element of order, foundations, and the unchanging. It’s enduring and ageless properties are an excellent symbol of stability and the unyielding.

Water is the element of life, healing, and moving force. Many restorative spells attribute their origin to this philosophy.

Wind is a symbol of the evanescent, the unchainable and vivality. Likened to a breeze, this pillar contributes greatly to the study of the aura and the aether.

Lastly, Fire is represented by the philosophy of change, power, voracity and death. The most destructive of the elements, it is vital in reducing compounds and devouring chaff, but it’s chaotic nature…

“Chaotic nature…” I echoed. “Embodiment of chaos? An embodiment of fire?...” That was a troubling thought. I vaguely recalled someone on an internet thread mention that Discord’s stained glass window in the palace portrayed him dangling ponies above a sea of flames, but it was unclear whether this was a literal or artistic representation of his reign before being sealed. Vague parallels weren’t enough. I needed to know more.

Once again, I considered thwarting the episode, warning the sisters and the M6 about Discord’s plans before he can enact them, but I reluctantly silenced that thought. As much as I hated to toy with destiny, this episode needed to happen. It was the girls’ first time using the Elements of Harmony on demand. It was vital in sculpting Twilight from a student into a guardian. And, without this episode, Discord would never grow to have friends of his own. (Oh, yeah, that would also mean that the girls wouldn’t find the last key in Season 4) All I could do was wait patiently and try to keep from vomiting up the butterflies in my stomach.

“Now arriving! Canterlot! Please check your seats for your belongings and let attendants know if you require assistance recovering your luggage!” A grey-blue earth pony announced. The noise level in the train car rose to a riot as Cheerilee’s students excitedly pressed their muzzles against the windows to catch a glimpse at Canterlot. I swallowed a large lungful of air to steady myself and slapped my book shut.

“Showtime…” I sighed.

The world-famous Canterlot sculpture garden looked a lot different in the brisk sunlight then it had during the Grand Galloping Gala. Walls of towering hedges with nary a leaf out of place bordered flawless lawns and immaculate walkways. As a former landscaper, I was impressed. Every line was perfect, as if our tour was scuttling across a gargantuan game board instead of a garden. Even the scattered statues that dotted the lawns looked as if a pair of titans had positioned them via a chess match, but had quit halfway through their game with no intention of returning. Father time himself appeared to have forgotten this little corner of the world.

“That one over there represents ‘friendship’.” Cheerilee led our little herd, naming each statue as we passed. She indicated a tall piece of art depicting three prancing fillies, all smiling and all in balance with the others. I might have been more impressed with the craftsmanship if I wasn’t so convinced that all these pieces were the product of unicorn magic. (Surprise side-note: most of them had been commissioned through earth pony sculptors.)

“This one represents ‘victory’.” The teacher pointed at a noble depiction of a rearing figure, clutching a banner in its hoof and surrounded by frozen shooting stars.

“How cool would it be to have that as a cutiemark?” Scootaloo piped up.

“Cool.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes like a hamster wheel. “If you were actually victoryful at somethin’.” The topic of cutiemarks was still touchy for those fillies. Apparently, they were still a little deflated from how quickly I shot down their cutiemark hopes back on the train.

“That’s not a word!” Sweetie Belle snapped.

“What are you, a dictionary?” Scootaloo nipped back.

“Oh boy…” I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“Girls!” Cheerilee collected her student’s wayward attention the way Scrooge McDuck collected coins. She stood before a new statue, not posed and iconic like all the others, but twisted and unbalanced. Over twenty feet tall, it had a goat-like head, a body reminiscent of a ferret or a Chinese dragon, and short limbs hailing from at least three different animal kingdoms. “Now, this is a really interesting statue. What do you notice about it?”

“He’s smiling…” I whispered under my breath. Discord had been petrified with his chest puffed out and a grin on his face as if posing for a picture. Even as the sisters confronted him thousands of years ago, wielding the Elements of Harmony between them, he faced his stony fate with a sneer. I was probably the only other soul who knew about his plunderseed contingency plan, but that was the kind of villain Discord was. Always one step ahead.

So caught up in my own thoughts was I, that I missed the girls pointing out the more obvious traits,

“It’s got an eagle claw!” Apple Bloom shouted.

“And a lion paw!” Scootaloo added.

“And a snake tail!” Sweetie Belle flapped her forelegs excitedly.

“This creature is called a draconequus.” Cheerilee explained. “He has the head of a pony and a body made up of all sorts of things. What do you suppose that represents?”

“Confusion!” The yellow one ventured.

“Evil!” The white one decided.

“Chaos!” The orange one was technically the closest.

“It’s not chaos, you dodo!” The dictionary snapped at her avian friend.

“Don’t call me things I don’t know the meaning of! And it is too chaos!”

“Is not!”

“You’re both wrong!” Instead of a referee, AB’s interference only fueled the argument. The class looked on while the three friends descended into a brawl of bickering and biting. In all friendships, a little rain must fall, but those three looked as if someone had tricked them into playing Mario Party.

“The word ‘Strife’ comes to mind.” I shrugged while Cheerilee stepped forward to put an end to the argument. Just as my shoulders reached their peak, I felt something… odd. I would use a more accurate word if there was one, but my mortal thesaurus fails me. It was like burying oneself in snow, but without the cold. It was like jumping off a high dive, but without the vertigo. It was as if I knew I was being watched, but without the paranoia. I didn’t have to flex my imagination to know what the source of the sensation was. Had that fissure always been on Discord’s statue?

“Actually, in a way, you’re all right.” The teacher grinned. “This statue represents ‘discord’, which means a lack of harmony between ponies.” Her eyes narrowed at the three fillies, “In fact, you three have demonstrated discord so well that you’re each going to write me an essay explaining it.”

The other students chittered with laughter. Cheerilee looked down at the girls for a moment longer before turning on her hoof.

“Now let’s go, and I don’t want any more fighting.” With that, and the continued muttering of the Crusaders, our group continued our migration along the path. I hung back, pretending to scribble down some notes as I stood in front of the petrified embodiment of chaos. As far as I could tell, Cheerilee’s snippet of explanation was all the information available for the statue called ‘discord’. There was no signpost in the grass, not even a plaque on the pedestal the draconequus stood on. (And how did they get Discord up on a pedestal, anyways?) Despite being the most outlandish statue in the garden, he seemed remarkably inconspicuous. Celestia’s ultimate victory over the would-be tyrant.

“Mark? Hurry up!” Sweetie Belle called back. I waved at her reassuringly,

“Be right there!” I shouted, but I couldn’t resist whispering at the statue, “I’m a big fan! See ya later!”

As I left Discord behind, however, something tickled the back of my conscious. There was no sound in the air, no noise to tickle my ear drums, but I could swear I heard laughter. A chilling, confident chuckle that crept in on the edge of sanity. A solid ‘8.5’.

It didn’t take long after that. I followed Cheerilee abstractedly, like a duckling, but my mind was elsewhere. I could feel something closing in on our group, like the sensation of being hunted. Like when your opponent in ‘Halo’ gets the active camo. I think the other fillies felt it as well. Nervous glances were thrown about like holy water at an exorcism and the conversations fell silent.

“Ugh! You’d at least think a palace could afford to keep its walkways maintained.” Diamond Tiara grunted. “If this ‘tour’ doesn’t end soon, I just know I’ll end up cracking a hoof.”

“What are you talking about?” I furrowed my brow. “The garden is perfe-…” The word died halfway out of my mouth as I looked down. Only moments before, our dirt and clay path had been as smooth and flawless as an actress in a facewash commercial. Now, however, great cracks were throwing spidery veins through its surface and weeds had manifested in the lawns. I spun around to look behind me and realized that the once-straight hedges looked like something Tim Burton had drawn and most of the beautiful trees were split in half. My mouth opened, but before I could say anything to Cheerilee, there was a flash of gold and a flurry of feathers in front of us.

“Ma’am! I’m sorry, but we need to you take your class inside.” A royal guard brought the tour to a sudden halt. Our teacher paused in the middle of her narrative on marble quarries.

“What’s wrong? Is everything all right?” She asked, her green eyes filled with surprise.

“Please, miss, get them to the palace.” The guard’s face didn’t betray any emotion, but his wings remained splayed open. Without another word, the pegasus stallion launched himself into the air. Cheerilee wasted no time,

“Come on, everypony. Follow me.” Her own voice had taken on the guard’s tone, commanding and unquestionable. And just a little worried.

“What’s goin’ on?” Apple Bloom whispered up to me.

“Whatever it is, we’re going to find out pretty quick.” It was a non-answer, but it’s not like I could confess that I knew exactly what was happening. A menace from a bygone age had manifested and he was motivated to maintain his maniacal machinations. Yet, in my opinion, Discord’s ‘grand entrance’ had been a little underwhelming. I had been looking forward to the sky turning pink and long-legged rabbits and some thunderous, booming, genteel laughter echoing throughout Equestria, but things had been strangely subtle. Sure, everything was falling into disrepair, but it wasn’t really dramatic. Not like the Discord I knew. Then I looked back towards Ponyville and a,

“Hoover Damn…” slipped from my lips.

From where I stood on the steps leading up into the palace, I could look back over the statue gardens and into the valley beneath Canterlot. There, hovering like the Traveler from 'Destiny', was a knot of bright pink storm clouds, blossoming over Ponyville. Wispy threads of rosy sugar collected into a semi-transparent island of candy, casting thick shadows on the land while veils of a dark rain soaked the ground beneath. The cotton candy storm and its ensuing chocolate milk rain looked like a massive jellyfish with countless tentacles reaching down into the little town. Bright purple lightning bolts illuminated the storm from within and as the thunder reached my ears, I thought it sounded like car horns.

Inside, the palace was buzzing like a hive of smoked-out bees. Quiet, but tense. There were a number of castle servants, a couple tour groups and even a handful of visiting delegates gathered in the main hall. Muted whispers passed between ponies like an autumn wind as each pony tried to divine what was happening. A couple guards stood along the walls, assuring the assembly that Princess Celestia would be along to explain everything shortly.

“Excuse me.” I muttered a half-apology to Cheerilee as I detached myself from the rest of the group. I quickly alighted a flight of stairs and found a large observation deck with tall clear windows. From there, I could watch as the chaotic storm slowly swelled until it threatened to blot out the valley. The threads of candy floss floated on the wind like spider webs or cheap Halloween decorations, but they remained mostly focused over Ponyville. Canterlot itself was completely untouched. I don’t remember how long I stood there, trying to surmise Discord’s strategy, but eventually something else caught my attention.

“Mark.” A stern voice whispered. I glanced sideways to see Princess Luna motioning to me from the shelter of an adjacent hallway. I shot one last look behind me to the room full of ponies, but the princess appeared to be intentionally avoiding them.

“Princess Luna.” I smiled politely as I joined her. “It’s good to see you again.”

“We are pleased to encounter you as well, though we regret the circumstances we meet under.” She led us away from the main hall. “Will you not tell us what play of fate has brought you to Canterlot? Of all days, your visit has placed you in a most… remarkable event.”

Judging by the way her gaze flickered towards the window, it was obvious that she was using the word ‘remarkable’ to mean ‘unfortunate’. And, by ‘unfortunate’, she meant ‘regrettable’. And by ‘regrettable’, it was clear she meant ‘poopy’.

“Actually, I was taking a tour of Canterlot’s sculpture garden earlier today.” I grinned shrewdly. Luna lifted her eyebrows in amusement.

“It seems to be a day of irony, then. How close though must have been to the root of all this... Art thou aware as to what has happened?”

“They haven’t said anything officially,” I glanced behind me, “but I know for a fact that you’ve got one less statue in your collection.” A look of surprise splashed over the princess’s countenance and I nodded knowingly. She set her mouth in a firm line and explained,

“Indeed, as we speak, my sister goes forth to comfort and encourage our subjects with some carefully chosen words; a skill I note she has grown quite proficient in. Yet, they will not appreciate the full weight of the situation. You should know, the entity known as Discord has escaped from the power that once bound him and he is actively working to unravel what has been so carefully nurtured. No doubt, thou hast already seen the effects of his strange magic upon the land?”

“Not unlike Kishin Asura’s return. Or, more accurately, someone’s playing ‘Candyland’ with a Jumanji board.” Of course, I didn’t expect Luna to get these references, but I suddenly realized that if I wanted to know what kind of villain we were up against, I couldn’t have asked for a better interviewee. I subtly pressed, “Princess, is it true that you fought Discord once before?” She took a stiff breath before answering,

“If it could be properly called a battle, then yes.”

“What can you tell me about our foe?” I asked. Princess Luna hesitated in front of a pair of heavy doors. Her eyes shot through me like armor-piercing rounds.

“Why are you asking?” Her voice had lost some formality and a couple degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s not a secret that the Elements of Harmony will be needed to stop the lord of chaos once again, but you and your sister can’t use them like before. As inexperienced as they are, you’re going to have to rely on Twilight Sparkle and her friends to face Discord in your stead. It’s going to challenge them in ways they’ve never been tested before and I want to be there by their side when the scum hits the fan.”

“You?” Luna looked up at me with concern. “What do you hope to accomplish by accompanying the Element bearers?”

“I know I can’t do much,” My jaw locked up in frustration, “but I can’t do nothing. They’re my friends. So please, if there’s anything you can tell me that will help me help them. What’s Discord’s motive? How does he think? What can we do to resist the effects of his power? Anything! Anything to give us an edge because right now, those little ponies are already two steps behind him.”

“My sister was very clear that this is no longer our war.” Luna began slowly. “The world is shifting and we are no longer its sole protectors. We must learn to trust the Element bearers to learn how to stand on their own. Thus much as it pains us, my sister and I will not participate in this fight. Why should you be any different?” Princess Luna shook her head and I came to realize that it wasn’t a gesture of obstinance, but of longing. Letting somepony else take her place on the front line of battle was the hardest thing anyone had ever asked of her.

“Why… Did Celestia specifically say why you two shouldn’t accompany the girls?”

“Together, we deemed it the wisest course of action.” Luna blinked angrily. “In my mind, it was our place to finish what the two of us began, but my sister discouraged that thinking. Our role had been played and a new chapter was to begin. Yet, it was not for that alone that we decided to abstain from facing our nemesis. Discord knows us, our strengths and our weaknesses. Were we to confront him again, nothing will have changed since those ages ago, except our lack of the Elements of Harmony. Our foe would be, as you say, two steps ahead of us, and our presence on the front lines may actually pressure him to resort to his full power.”

“So… You’re saying he’s not using his full power right now?” I clarified.

“Nay, what you see in the valley is akin to a stretch after a long slumber. Suffice to say that my sister and I felt compelled to stop his tyranny over more pressing matters than flying confections and raining dairy.”

“I was afraid you’d say something like that.” The air in my lungs grew as heavy as molasses and the resulting groan was deep and slow. The princess studied me for a moment longer, a storm of thoughts churning behind her blue eyes. Suddenly, a light broke through and she ventured,

“Yet, perhaps this is for the best.” She declared.

“Huh?”

“Indeed! ‘Tis an excellent strategy. Though my sister and I cannot face Discord, our foe does not know of you. Thou might safely accompany the young bearers and advise them without alerting our foe of what thou knowest of him.”

“So, you’ll help me, then?”

“Indeed.” Princess Luna’s horn shimmered with liquid moonlight and the great double doors swung open. “We will tell thee all we know.” I had to blink my eyes to adjust them to the splash of color that assaulted my face.

“Whoah! Is this-?”

“The Hall of Memories...” My friend led the way into a long, vaulted passage. On either side of us were massive windows filled with mosaics of crystalized light. Far from the simplified sketches and stick figures from the show, these murals were the equivalent of paintings but with radiant shards of ice as the medium. The hallway’s ceiling shimmered like the surface of an aquarium from the countless rainbows being cast upon it and the noise of our footfalls was swallowed by the thick plush carpet on the floor.

“These are incredible.” I breathed. The panes of glass showed valiant figures of ponies and other noble species, sometimes fighting, sometimes peaceful, but always beautiful as if each moment was as precious as the glass it was cast in.

“My sister took to collecting these early in our reign.” Luna explained. “It is her belief that time’s ability to numb memories is the greatest enemy of a long life, and that being forgotten is a fate worse than death. I see she has collected some new memories in my absence… Here we are.”

She led me to a window that radiated orange and pink light. On its surface writhed ravenous flames and a number of ponies trapped therein. Presiding over it all, a sinister grin on his equine face, was a golden silhouette of Discord.”

“That’s him.” I stated, rather than asked.

“The embodiment of chaos.” The princess began. “Though still finite, the nature of his power is unlike anything thou art likely to encounter in a magician’s spellbook. His aura warps the boundaries between reality and perception, between the waking world, and illusion, plucking away logic and leaving only madness. Perhaps if we could liken the world to a poem upon paper, then Discord’s magic would be knives, cutting and rearranging it to whatever drivel he deems amusing at the time. Unfortunately, there is no defense against this.

You ask what motivates him? Only he motivates him. Everything he does is for his own pleasure, a selfish trickster who cares not for the lives of others. He steals, he deceives, and he destroys, all in the name of entertaining himself. The only moments when he values another soul is when he requires an audience to appreciate his work.”

“And the flames?” I gestured back up to the glittering glass panes. “Are those symbolic of turmoil and an unstable world, or was he literally an arsonist?” Luna closed her eyes as if trying to block out a memory.

“Pray that it does not become so.” She took a threatening breath. “As of now, it would appear that the countless years have tempered his thirst to harmless practical jokes once again. But if he remains on the loose for too long, then he will undoubtedly seek more… dramatic... forms of entertainment. It all depends on how long floating pies and popcorn will sate his humor.”

“Well, that about sums it up.” I chuckled hollowly. “A brat with dangerous amounts of power and no one to tell him ‘no’. I think I saw this one in a Twilight Zone episode. Or was it Star Trek?”

“Our own power was not enough to stop him.” Luna continued. “Though we fought for the stability of reality itself and called for an end to the suffering he brought, Discord only ever treated my sister and I as playmates. He was impossible to harness and even with our power combined, reality itself bent in his favor. We would find ourselves fighting mirages while his laughter rang ever louder.

Finally, we decided to use a power even older and deeper than his chaos. My sister and I gathered the Elements of Harmony from the Tree beneath our old home. We didn’t even understand their power, but collected the nodes anyways, hoping that they could rewrite the world into a land of order. With our power and a prayer for peace, they appeared to work. The land was healed and Discord’s abilities were completely suppressed.”

“Turning him to stone!” The connection finally dawned on me. “Because ‘stone’ is the element of ‘order’, the opposite to his ‘chaos’ and… Sorry. Got a little excited there. I just read about this.”

“Now, the battle lines are drawn once again. I envy you, Mark. Our desire is to stand between our citizens and this evil, not hide ourselves within a palace.”

“Don’t say that.” I consoled. “No matter what happens today, your people are going to need you to be strong for them. It’s the only way the cities are going to resist falling into anarchy. Princess Celestia’s going to need you by her side as well. Sometimes it takes a stronger heart to defend than it does to attack.”

“We thank you for your encouragement, but it still does not feel the same…”

For a moment, we stood side-by-side, at the window. I looked up into the transparent face of Discord’s image and frowned in thought. What Luna had told me about him wasn’t really different from the show, but the way she said it was far more chilling. After all, there was nothing more terrifying than a villain who had no law to live by. He had only one goal,

“He’s going after the Elements first.” I said aloud. “They’re the only thing that can stop him and he knows it.”

“Of course.” Luna nodded. “But they are safely locked away.” She peered towards the end of the hallway where a pair of crepuscular stood by silently. Their deep purple surface was woven about with crystal orbs and strange magic circuits running through them like the guts of a clock.

“How safe?”

“Locked out of space and time. The power that seals that door is unique to alicorns and only my sister’s magic is synced with the locks.”

“Ok, but that’s not the whole story.” I looked back to the window.

“Pardon?”

“Only half the Elements are locked away.” I explained. “The other half are trying to live normal lives in a little town called Ponyville.”

“You mean-?”

“He didn’t even waste a single fat second of freedom before going after them.” I gestured with my chin to the cotton candy storm. “It’s no accident that Discord chose to begin his crusade there. I don’t know how he found out, but somehow he knows that the modern Elements of Harmony only work when united with the spirits of harmony. He’s targeted my friends, their home, their families, while ignoring Canterlot completely. I’d say it’s a challenge. Discord’s already begun his great game, and he’s calling out his opponents.”

“Whilst in the same moment, showing how little he fears my sister and I.” Luna’s limbs became as ridged as rebar as she fought the urge to paw at the carpet.

“He’s already targeting our greatest strength and our greatest weakness… The bond between friends.” Half of my mouth curled up into a smirk. “Well, he’s bitten off more than he can chew if I have anything to say about it!” I pushed off my right foot and marched back out of the hall.

“To whence to you depart?” Luna called after me.

“I’m going to meet the girls at the train station. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into a caterpillar before they arrive. Once I rendezvous with them, I’ll be sticking to them like honey on a Pooh Bear.”

“Take care…” The alicorn princess shifted on her hooves as if fighting every instinct to join me. “Take care of them in our stead. This is not a foe to be underestimated, and… good luck, Mark…”

“I’ll get them through this safely, princess. You have my word.” We nodded to each other somberly and then I was off.

The city of Canterlot was as tense as a rubber band, but silent as a cemetery. If a brony wanted to make a fan vid of Fallout: Equestria, I would imagine his idea of a post-apocalyptic Canterlot to look a lot like the city I found myself in. Doors were locked, windows (the ones that were intact) had their shades drawn and the once-pristine cobblestone streets were quickly crumbling. There were even a couple armored, rude NPCs on patrol, royal guards ensuring that everypony was safe. Despite their gruff attitude, I was able to make it to the train station without incident.

To my surprise, the platform had more gold littered around it than the Isla de Muerta in ‘Pirates of the Carribian’. Guards were everywhere, struggling to maintain order and enforce whatever lockdown they could, while at the same time trying to calm a crowd of panicked ponies who were trying to flee the city.

I got more than a couple (racist) suspicious glances thrown my way, but I was able to stay out from underhoof until the train arrived. When it finally appeared, chugging around the last bend of the cliffs, the locomotive looked like it had a bad run-in with an easy bake oven. The pastry-themed train cars looked distinctly more delicious than before, their windows were warped and foggy sugar panes and a gingerbread smell preceded it. The engine, however, looked untouched by Discord’s chaos, but before I could breathe a sigh of relief, the steam whistle on top let loose with the wail of a rooster.

“Mark!” Twilight Sparkle leapt off the train, followed closely by Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity. “I’m glad to see you’re all right!”

“Me? I’m not the one who just rode in on the world’s largest dessert train. I’m glad you made it safely. Oh! You smell good!” Twilight gave me a quick hug and I caught a whiff of buttermilk frosting about her. “Where’s Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?”

“Fluttershy’s trying to convince Pinkie to get off the train.” Rainbow Dash groaned. I leaned over to see the end of the yellow pegasus’s tail just inside the train car.

“No, Pinkie, you shouldn’t eat the seat. Oh, my, aren’t you going to get a tummy ache? Please don’t chew that, what will the conductor think- No, no, that’s the floor, you don’t want to lick where everypony walks do you?”

“Happened quick as a wink an’ without anypony knowin’ why.” Applejack frowned thoughtfully at the train. “Honestly, we’re lucky Pinkie Pie didn’t eat the whole darn thing while we were still ridin’ it! Why the hay is everything turning to food anyways? You should see Ponyville!”

“Well, you know the saying, ‘the way to a man’s heart… etcetera, etcetera’.” I shrugged.

“Or ‘mare’ in this case.” Twilight winced as the wall of the train car burst open. Pinkie Pie trotted out, her mouth surrounded by crumbs and her cheeks bulging with gingerbread.

“Oh… I guess that works too…” Fluttershy came out the normal door.

“What exactly is going on, Mark? Do you know?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“I think Princess Celestia wants to explain it to you herself.” I glanced sideways at a couple curious bystanders. “We should hurry.”

“Wait! Do we have to go now? What will happen to these perfectly good goodies?” Pinkie Pie clutched a chunk of chocolate chip cookie cushion. Suddenly, there was a sharp crack and the train engine listed like a drunken sailor. Beneath it, its’ wheels had apparently turned into tea saucers and shattered under the weight.

“Or sooner, if possible.” I swallowed nervously.

“Can you at least tell me what kind of magic we’re talking about?” Twilight Sparkle whispered as our group swiftly made its way back to the palace. “Because I tried to use my failsafe spell and it didn’t work! Is this a curse and I just wasn’t powerful enough to break it? Or is this a manifestation of Starswirl’s multiverse theory and our dimension is colliding with another? Or is this all an illusion or maybe we’re under somepony’s spell? Or, maybe I’m dreaming and-”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I tried to soothe the frantic purple unicorn. “It’s a little bit of everything and none of that all at once. Luna tried to explain it to me, but-”

“You met Princess Luna?” Rarity gasped.

“Yes, but that’s irrelevant-”

“When was this!?”

“That’s also irrelevant, but-”

“And you didn’t tell us!?”

“Rarity!” I barked. “I’ll apologize and explain later over a nice cup of tea, but right now, that topic is a pachyderm’s auditory organ!”

“Pardon?”

“It’s ear-of-elephant!”

“Oh, ha ha. Real dumb.” Rainbow Dash interjected.

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.” I mock-bowed.

“Mark, focus!” Twilight pooped the party. “What did she say about the magic?”

“Well, you told me your failsafe spell worked by targeting foreign auras and using that to break curses, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, this isn’t a foreign aura as much as it is reality itself breaking apart. It was described to me, by an unspecified pony, like a magazine getting cut apart and reassembled into a ransom note. Kind of like-”

“Oh! That’s Plait O.’s model of the universe, right?”

“I don’t know. All I know about him is that colorful modeling clay I used to play with.”

“Plait O. was a philosopher who postulated that reality could be likened to a book. The paper represents the universe and the ink represents everything in it. Magic is the influence we have over the words. That idea’s given rise to a lot of great schools of magic and it’s a great study tool! I put it in your curriculum, but you haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“Can’t wait!”

“Ugh! You guys are such eggheads!” Rainbow Dash pulled her bottom eyelids down in exasperation.

“Haha! Rainbow called me an egghead!” I sniggered.

However, the weight of the day stifled any more jokes after that, and by the time the girls and I burst into the palace’s main hall, we were appropriately serious and sober and ready to tackle an ageless god of chaos. Whatever we were feeling, however, was jovial compared to what Equestria’s ruler was feeling.

“Princess Celestia! We came as fast as we could!” Twilight looked up at her mentor with concern. The princess was pacing fervently and her head hung lower than normal. When she spoke, it sounded like a sigh of relief,

“Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all.”

“Is this about the weather?” The purple unicorn gestured back out the door. “And the animal’s weird behavior? What’s happening out there? Why isn’t my magic working? Is there-” Celestia held up a hoof to stem the tide of questions. Then, with all the gravity of the planet Jupiter, she said,

“Follow me.” Silently, we obeyed.

Celestia led us through the palace until I was once again swimming through the hall of glass-filtered light. The sunbeams hadn’t changed position since the chaos began, adding to the bizarre cocktail of awe and dread within each of us.

“I’ve called you here for a matter of great importance.” Celestia began slowly. “It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. His name… is Discord.”

“Ep!” Fluttershy shrunk under the weight put into that name.

“Discord is the mischievous spirit of disharmony.” The princess continued, “Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness. Luna and I saw how miserable life was for earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike, so after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we combined out powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone.”

“All right, Princess!” Rainbow Dash pumped a victorious hoof in the air.

I listened to the princess’s tale with rapt interest, but so far, she had no additional insight that Luna hadn’t already explained. I found myself wondering if I would skip over this recap if I ever decided to write my memoirs in a book.

Celestia looked down at the carpet and continued reflectively,

“I thought the spell we cast would keep him contained forever, but since Luna and I are no longer connected to the Elements, the spell has been broken. This was unexpected, but we are not completely unprepared.”

“No longer connected?” Twilight Sparkle paused.

“This is Canterlot Tower, where the Elements have been kept inside since all of you recovered them.” Princess Celestia gestured towards the duo of indomitable doors at the far end of the hall. She collected herself and lowered her voice. Her tone wasn’t that of a ruler, or even of a mother, but that of a friend. “I need you to wield the Elements of Harmony once again and stop Discord before he thrusts all of Equestria into eternal chaos.”

“But why us?” The magic student looked up to her mentor. “Why don’t you-”

“Hey, look! We’re famous!” Pinkie Pie cut Twilight off. The little pink pony gestured excitedly to a nearby window portraying the downfall of Nightmare Moon. Technically, she cut me off too, since I was on the verge of saying something encouraging, but as it turned out, Celestia took the words out of my mouth.

“You six showed the full potential of the Elements by harnessing the magic of your friendship to overcome a mighty foe. Although Luna and I once wielded the Elements, it is you who now control their power. That is why it is you who must defeat Discord!”

Our group gathered at the base of the newest addition to the Hall of Memories. Cast upon the stained-glass window were six rearing ponies, each one bathed in a different color of aura. Above them, her hide crafted from shards of obsidian, was the dark figure of Nightmare Moon. All six of the girls looked at their portrait, immortalized in glass. It wasn’t like it needed to be said, but I gave voice to what everypony was thinking,

“In a way, that night was different. You were only doing what you hoped anypony would do in your place. You were merely watching out for your friends and never dreamed that you yourselves would be facing down Nightmare Moon. And yet, today is no different from then. You still have the things that matter most to you, and once again something has come to threaten them.”

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment, Mark,” Rarity spoke up, “But I must point out that we’ve never presumed to be warriors.”

“Of course not.” I shook my head. “But you are still heroes.”

A small, confident smile pulled at Twilight’s mouth. She looked up to her mentor and said,

“Princess Celestia, you can count on-”

“Hold on a second!” Pinkie objection! “Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain you guys. Chocolate. Rain!”

“And when it goes sour, then what?” I scrunched up my face.

“Don’t listen to her, Princess.” Twilight continued. “We’d be honored to use the Elements of Harmony again.”

Princess Celestia didn’t reply. Nothing needed to be said. The look of pride and gratitude that filled her eyes was worth more words than a Leo Tolstoy novel. The alicorn princess turned and leveled her ivory horn at the pair of sealed doors containing the Elements. A soft whisper, like the sound of waves breaking upon a distant shore, rose in volume and my stomach lurched with a weightless sensation. Instead of her usual golden aura, a pale turquoise light rose from Celestia’s horn.

For my part, I had my eyes peeled like a pair of oranges. Celestia and Luna were certain that nothing could break the princess’s lock, but I already knew that Discord was going to do just that. There would be no episode without a hunt for the Elements, so how did the draconequus crack an impregnable lock? The answer? Maybe he didn’t. True, the seal that Celestia was dissolving was the only gateway to the Elements, but how could we know for certain that the door she opened was the same one she unlocked? Besides, hadn’t Luna mentioned something about not being able to trust our senses around Discord?

Prestidigitation.

“Princess-” I held up a finger, but I was too late to stop anything. With the sound of a distant sigh, the two doors swung outwards, releasing a burst of white-blue light. Everypony squinted except for Celestia, a grim determination on her countenance. She stepped into the still-glowing room where a single pedestal and an ornate blue box had manifested. Much like the doors themselves, the box was covered in golden magic circuits and nodes made out of a plethora of precious stones.

“Oohhh…” Rarity’s voice shivered and her wide eyes glistened in awe. “You can keep the Elements. I’ll take that case!”

“Have no fear, ponies. I have total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord… with these!” Celestia reverently levitated the blue box with her aura, held up above everypony’s heads and revealed… nothing.

The box was empty save for its pink velvet lining.

Such a complete silence fell over the group that one could have heard a fly sneeze. Celestia’s white face turned pale and all the ponies stood as frozen as the glass pictures on the walls. It took every ounce of my self-control to keep myself from whispering, “awkward…”. Fortunately, we could all count on Pinkie Pie to reanimate the stunned crowd,

“Oh well!” She shrugged and started to prance away. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside in the chocolate puddles with a giant swizzle straw!”

“Hey, get back here!” I had to run and catch the crazy girl. Without the benefit of a commercial break, she was fully prepared to simply walk out right then and there.

“Well, what else are we gonna do?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Didn’t anypony tell you that when life gives you lemons, you make lemon meringue pie?”

“Yes… and no… wait, what?” I corralled the pink pony back towards the others like a shepherd with a particularly ADHD sheep.

“The Elements!” Twilight gasped, “They’re gone!”

“How can this be?” Princess Celestia began pacing. “That chamber is protected by a powerful spell that only I can break! This doesn’t make sense!”

Even as the words left her lips, a haunting laugh rose through the palace halls. It was a sound brimming with a frothing mixture of confidence and mockery, aided by the acoustic echo of the vaulted ceiling.

“Oohhh…” I nudged Pinkie Pie with my elbow. “That’s gotta be an 8.5…”

“Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?” And that, ladies and gentleman, is how Discord summed up himself in one line.

As soon as she heard the disembodied voice, a distinct change came over the princess. She positioned herself between the ponies and the empty hallway and the hairs on the back of her neck prickled.

“Discord…” She hissed. “Show yourself!”

But the draconequus was enjoying this reunion, milking it for everything it was worth. He chuckled and asked Moriarty-style,

“Did you miss me, Celestia?” Suddenly, one of the glass images of Discord blinked. “I missed you.”

Fluttershy began shivering uncontrollably, both pairs of knees knocking together. I couldn’t blame her. I was anticipating ‘glass Discord’ and the moving windows still managed to make my heart skip a beat. Our group watched as the draconequus bent the window panes around, making it look as if his body was slithering across the walls. His voice drawled,

“It’s quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn’t know that, would you? Because I don’t turn ponies to stone!” The picture of Discord frowned disdainfully at the countless windows frozen in time.

“Enough!” Celestia stamped a hoof and her mane flared out behind her. “What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?”

“Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while.” Discord yawned like a cat being asked to play fetch. He snapped his claws as if to taunt Celestia and a glass picture of the Elements went blank.

“You’ll never get away with this, Discord!”

“He kind of did…” I thought, glancing back to the pilfered blue chest. As far as I could tell, Celestia really wasn’t in any position to make demands.

“Oh, I’d forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia.” Discord’s image scrutinized its claws, unconcerned. “It’s really quite boring.”

“Hey! Nopony insults the Princess!” Rainbow Dash shot towards the offending mocker, but in the end, all she managed to do was beat her head on a pane of glass like a fly challenging a window.

“Oh! You must be Rainbow Dash! Famed for her loyalty. The Element of Harmony you represent.” Discord spoke as if noticing the other ponies for the first time.

“That’s right! I’ll always be loyal to the princess!” The blue pegasus snarled. For an instant, I saw a sinister light flash in the window-Discord’s eyes.

“We’ll see about that…” He chuckled.

Dash may have momentarily forgotten that the glass mosaic wasn’t actually Discord, but Rarity clearly hadn’t,

“I can’t believe we’re wasting our time talking to a tacky window.” She tried to shake off the weirdness of her situation. Discord immediately locked onto her and lauded,

“The beautiful Rarity! Representing the element of ‘generosity’, if I’m not mistaken?” Cordial, but still snarky.

“So you know who we are. Big deal!” Applejack bravely stepped forward in an attempt to break Discord’s momentum, but this was his grand entrance and he would not back down.

“Oh, I know much more than that, ‘honest’ Applejack.” The picture swelled to fill an entire window, leering down at the humble earth pony.

“You seem to know our strengths, too.” Twilight Sparkle added. Discord vanished and reappeared on top of a picture of Fluttershy.

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle, and yours is the most powerful and elusive element, ‘magic’. Fluttershy’s is ‘kindness’ and Pinkie Pie’s is a personal favorite of mine: ‘laughter’.”

“Elusive?” I thought to myself. “Interesting choice of words for a creature who slings magic around like a baby slings creamed peas.”

“Pinkie!” Twilight looked over at her friend. The pink pony was doing her best not to enjoy Discord’s return, but she couldn’t contain herself for long,

“Haha!” Pinkie Pie burst out laughing and pointed to the draconequus. “He’s standing on your head!” Sure enough, Discord was amusing himself with some sick dance moves worthy of the ‘Party Rock Anthem’ music video. Of course, he was doing them on a picture of Twilight Sparkle.

“Stop stalling, Discord!” Celestia ordered. “What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?” Discord groaned as if she had taken away his favorite toy.

“Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really? Fine! I’ll tell you, but I’ll only tell you my way.” He slithered out of view and began, “To retrieve your missing Elements, just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began…” And he was gone. The windows stopped moving and all that remained was the echo of his words.

“Can we go home now?” Fluttershy whimpered.

“For a guy whose goal is to keep the Elements from ever being used against him, he was remarkably compliant.” I ran my finger along my chin while Applejack and Twilight Sparkle started pacing. “My guess is he’s using them like a carrot on a stick. No offense to any equines, of course. He’s willing to offer the Elements back, but it’s only to suck us into the next stage of his plan. Make no mistake, his game has already begun and now we have no choice but to play.”

“Ooh! Ooh! I love games!” Pinkie Pie bounced eagerly. I glanced at her and for a moment, I could practically see her vibrant pink coat turn grey.

“Not these games, Pinkie…”

“What do you reckon he meant? Twists and turns and ending back where we started?” Applejack wondered.

“Twists and turns… Twists and turns…” Twilight Sparkle chanted under her breath. “Twists and turns! That’s it! I bet Discord hid the Elements in the palace labyrinth!” She gestured excitedly into the palace’s garden outside where a forest of hedges spread out like Tron’s game grid.

“Good luck, my little ponies.” A wave of pain passed over Celestia’s face. All she could do was send the girls away with her prayers. She nodded low and rested her horn on Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder. “The fate of Equestria is in your hooves.”

“Thanks Princess.” The little student smiled bravely. “We won’t let you down.”

“If only I could share your confidence, Twilight.” I whispered to myself.

Soon enough, our little group was galloping across the castle grounds. Aside from us, not a single pony was to be seen. Ahead, the ‘labyrinth’ rose like the gates of Mordor.

“You sure you don’t want to stay inside, Mark?” Applejack queried.

“Pssh! Like I could!” I tilted my head and asked, “What makes you think I’d want to sit this one out?”

“Well, we’re not really sure what we’re dealin’ with.” The orange mare said uncertainly. “I’d just hate for you to get hurt’s all.”

“I could say the same thing about you.” My eyes swept over the group. “If you’re crazy enough to challenge a world-warping entropy-spewing dragon-monster-deity, then the least I can do is help.”

“How?” Rainbow Dash glanced behind her.

“Well, I haven’t exactly worked that out yet. But I’m working on a plan to get us through this without a hitch.” Admittedly, my only plan was to try and keep everypony on script and hope for the happy ending. However, Dash had a point, and it was as sharp as a javelin. Despite ‘knowing’ how this episode was supposed to turn out, I was remarkably powerless to enforce it should anything go awry.

“Well, until you come up with something, just try not to get in the way.” The blue pony cautioned.

“Tell you what. You beat Discord at his game, and I’ll stay out from underfoot. I mean hoof.”

At that moment, our group skidded to a halt. Before us, the twisted entrance to the world’s biggest hedge maze stood open like a pair of green leafy jaws. Initially, I had gotten an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ vibe from the maze, but up close, it had a more ‘Theseus’ feel to it. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see a minotaur lurching by. (Even a mini one.)

“W-we have to go in there?” Fluttershy stammered.

“Nope!” Dash leapt forward and flared her wings. “Dopey Discord forgot about these babies! I’ll just do a quick flyover and we’ll have the Elements in no time.” She lanced straight up into the air like a rocket, but the blue pegasus never even made it above the hedges. As soon as her rear hooves left the ground, her gorgeous wings vanished into thin air. With a stifled gurgle, Rainbow fell back to the ground.

“Oop! I gotcha! Oof!” I threw myself forward just in time to break her fall. Despite her size, the pegasus was remarkably light for a pony. She was still heavy, of course, but let’s just say I was grateful to be catching Rainbow Dash and not, say, Applejack.

“My wings!” The blue pony dropped to the ground and began spinning in circles like a scalded dog.

“Aaah!” Fluttershy’s wings were missing too. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle both gasped at the same time as their forelocks suddenly swung free upon their smooth foreheads. Minor panic swept over us. Completely understandable. Still, it was funny to hear Equestria’s saviors screaming like girls. (Oh, wait…)

Before anypony had recovered, there was a wiggling, ringing sound and a pinprick of space began to boil with green light. It swelled until a creature oozed out of it, like a dog squeezing itself though a pet door. Discord untangled his long mismatched body and stood to his full height, laughing throatily while lightning danced above his head.

“Still an 8.5.” I nodded, impressed.

“You-You should see the looks on your faces! Priceless!” Discord the draconequus shook with laughter as if he had an earthquake inside him.

“Give us our wings and horns back!” Twilight Sparkle demanded.

“You’ll get them back in good time.” Discord assured her, “I simply took them to ensure there’s no cheating. You see, this is the first rule of our game, no flying, and no magic.” Our nemesis swept between our group like a weasel, reveling in the attention and clearly ignorant to the concept of ‘personal space’.

“The… first rule?” Rainbow Dash coughed.

“The second rule is everypony has to play, or the game is over… and I win…” Yellow eyes narrowed in the creature’s face as he grinned maliciously. With a mixture of enthusiasm and sarcasm, Discord cheered, “Good luck, everypony!” And, just as quickly as he had manifested, he vanished.

The six ponies were left glancing helplessly at each other, still reeling from the situation they found themselves in and dangerously discouraged. Fortunately, Twilight changed that,

“Never fear, girls. We have each other!”

“Yeah!” Dash piped up. “Like Twilight said, there’s nothing we can’t overcome if we all stick together!”

“All right, girls, let’s do this!” Twilight marched to the labyrinth’s opening and the others followed with one accord. I positioned myself as close to the purple (former) unicorn as I could as the ponies prepared to launch into the greatest game of ‘maze runner’ ever.

“Together!”

Unfortunately, Discord had other plans and I was not a part of them.

The ground split open beneath my feet and a wave of wooden branches erupted skywards. I was blinded by scratching twigs and a flurry of leaves and by the time everything stopped moving, I found myself separated from the rest of the girls by new walls.

“Well, so much for that plan.” I groaned while the sounds of screaming arose from behind the fresh hedges.

“Stay calm, girls!” Twilight’s voice was muffled. “Everypony head to the middle as fast as you can and we’ll regroup there!”

“Moving out!”

“See you in the center.”

“Yeehaw!”

“See you guys there!”

From where I stood, locked outside of the maze, I could hear the retreating hooves. There was also the sound of poor little Fluttershy screaming, but there wasn’t much I could do for her.

I tried to help her, really. My fingers clawed at the thick tangle of plants and I kicked at the stalks, but it was no use. The living wall sprung back from any ground I gained, and whatever I broke came back thicker than before. I scrunched my mouth into a frown as I leered up at the hedge and sat down in the dirt. It occurred to me that I didn’t know how long the girls would be in there, and I became painfully aware of the fact that I didn’t own a watch.

Just as enough time had elapsed for me to become bored, (approximately 30 seconds) I heard the sound of footfalls approaching. Confused, I stood up right when a section of hedge swung out like a door. And who should waltz out of the labyrinth but Discord himself, a befuddled expression on his face.

“You!” He put his hands on his (well, I couldn’t really call them ‘hips’).

“Me!?” I even glanced behind me to see who else he could be talking to.

“Not ‘me’, you!”

“I said me.”

“I know you did.”

“So you’re talking about me?”

“No, I’m ‘me’. You have some explaining to do!”

“Well, then, who are you?”

“No, Who’s on first.”

“Wow…” I clapped out a slow applause. “I think that was the most useless conversation I’ve ever had.”

“Glad you enjoyed it.” Discord gave a small bow.

“So, how can I help you?”

“Well, for starters, you can tell me what I’m doing wrong.” The creature folded his upper limbs and stared at me. I, stared back, confusion plastering my face like stucco on a wall.

“You’re an devious entropy meister from the dawn of time come to wreak vengeance on an otherwise peaceful world by singling out and crushing the hearts of six little girls. And you’re asking me what you’re doing wrong?”

“Please! This has nothing to do with that.” Discord rolled his eyes. “I’m talking about betrayal.”

“Betrayal? Someone betrayed you?”

“You did! And here I thought you were my big fan!”

“Well, yeah, I mean, in an admiration kind of way and… oh! Would you look at that? I’m your big fan.” Sure enough, I looked down to see that my body had become a giant hand fan. Discord plucked me up, flapped me open and began cooling himself with me.

“And yet every time I make a grand entrance, you give me a measly 8.5!? Do you know how long I planned my reunion with Celestia. Tsk! Rude!”

“Aw come off it! I-hurk! You don’t even know what-urg! That scoring system is- hng! Oh, gawd, I’m gonna be sick!” Discord tossed me to the ground where I resumed my usual shape. Still, my world kept spinning for a few seconds. “You don’t even know what I was rating you on!”

“Enlighten me!” The draconequus bent one claw back with a click. And, just like that, he lit up like a Christmas tree. I tried desperately to regain my train of thought,

“Hold on. Don’t you have some friendships you’re supposed to be destroying?” I wondered. “You’ve gone through all this trouble to separate them, too.”

“Oh, they’ll be fine.” My companion waved a paw dismissively. His other claw held a large book titled, ‘How to Serve Pony’. “I’m just going to let them stew in their self-doubt for a minute longer. Then I’ll sprinkle in some conflict to bring out the flavor and finally bake off the excess harmony.”

“Alton Brown would be proud.” I nodded somberly.

“Now, the 8.5? Hmm…?” Discord slapped the book shut and fixed me in his amber gaze.

“That’s my ‘Evil Villain Laugh’ rating system.” I explained. Discord’s white fuzzy eyebrows shot up in surprise. He pulled out a refreshing coconut drink and sipped it thoughtfully.

“Sir, you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.”

“It’s simple, really,” I began, “Using a scale of 1 to 10, I can rate the quality of a villain’s laugh judging by its resonance, its tempo, and its confidence. Resonance is how commanding the villain’s voice is, too squeaky and you can’t take them seriously. Tempo is important, because too slow or too fast ruins the moment. Confidence is unique to the situation, and a truly evil laugh is placed at exactly the right time and place.”

“Give me some examples.” Discord was furiously scribbling in a large yellow notebook with an oversized pencil. However, when he flipped the page over, I saw that all he had written was, ‘pretending to take notes’.

“Interestingly enough, Voldemort’s on the lower end of the spectrum. I mean seriously!? He’s supposed to be the unutterable terror of the modern world and all he can pull off is a, ‘Nyeh-heh-hehh’!? I lost all respect for him right then and there. It’s like a 2. If that…

Jafar has a lot of passion, but his laugh just comes out as maniacal madness. Strange, coming from an otherwise cordial and respectable villain. I’d give him a 3 or 4.”

“And your favorites?”

“Oh, where to begin? Belloq from Indiana Jones has a 7.5. Syndrome from The Incredibles has an 8, and the highest one I can recall right now would probably be the ghost king from The Lord of the Rings. His transition into the deep echoing noise just sends chills down my spine. 9”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?” Discord played with the tuft of hair on his chin, his expression caught between impressed and concerned.

“Well, what’s a hero without their villain? And what’s a villain without that one moment when they are at the height of their power? The evil laugh is their climax. You’ve got a great voice, good tempo, and your echo effects back in the castle were spot-on, so you’re way up there.”

“But only an 8.5?”

“Don’t get your tail in a twist.” I consoled. “It’s really more like a scale from 1 to 9, since there’s no such thing as a 10. An evil laugh that complete, that overwhelming, and that powerful, would crush the soul of even the bravest heroes, reducing them to shuddering hopelessness and inconsolable depression.

Of course, there are laughs that defy the system. It’s hard to find a good female villain laugh because they never have the right resonance, but they can still make great villains! Another problem is when a terrifying villain never laughs. Clayton, from Tarzan, has an exquisite chuckle, but doesn’t really laugh. Then there are just plain creepy laughs. The joker in ‘The Dark Knight’ had a terrifying laugh just because it’s so authentic, but it doesn’t fit any of my categories.”

“Well, I’m just sorry to disappoint my fans. I can’t believe I lost a contests of laughs! And to the ghost king of all people.” A fan shirt with the words ‘Boo Down to the Ghost King’ appeared on my chest and Discord began crying crocodile tears. By that, of course, I mean tiny crocodiles literally began falling from his eyes.

“Who’s disappointed?” I looked around sarcastically. “Not me! I’m honored to meet you. You’re like Q, the Genie, and the Cheshire Cat all rolled into one with the conniving mind of Captain Hook and the humor of Beetlejuice. I like to give credit where it’s due and you’ve single-paw-hoof-claw-edly set the bar incredibly high for any and all villains that come after you. I’d have a lot of admiration for you if you weren’t currently trying to brutally rip apart my friends and turn their world inside-out.”

I had to be careful with myself. Discord was, arguably, one of the greatest characters in My Little Pony, but as of that moment, he was still a villain. Telling him I was a fan before he freed himself was dangerous enough, running my mouth any longer was even more so. To my surprise, the draconequus paused and chuckled.

“Ooh-hoo-hoo… Say that again?”

“Pardon?”

“You actually consider those ponies your friends?” An amber eye watched me eagerly.

“Well, yeah? Sharing emotional life experiences with people will do that to you.”

“Ah-ha-haa! Oh, this is rich!” Discord vanished. In the next moment, there was a soft scuffling sound and my brain started to tickle. An echoing voice inside my skull mused, “Now how could you possibly get such an idea in your head? And you aren’t just saying it, either, you’ve actually convinced yourself that they mean something to you! Oh, you’re a very special case, aren’t you?”

“Not cool.” I fished in my ear and seized Discord by the end of his tail. Pulling him out of my brain was not something I’d care to do again, but it was strangely refreshing. “And what do you know about friendship?”

“More than you, apparently.” The creature between my fingers returned to it’s normal, imposing, size. “In fact, I’m more of a friend to you than all those ponies combined!”

“Ha! And how do you figure that?”

“For starters, how many of them know where you really come from?” Discord sneered. The question caught me off guard.

“And you do?” I tilted my head slightly.

“I’ve got a much better idea than your so-called friends!” The creature curled a claw and ran it down through the air. He tore a deep hole in the fabric of the universe and through it, I could see a plethora of stars. Not like the gems of the night sky, but like the glittery blue phenomena I saw just before landing in Equestria. Until that moment, I had always dismissed that view as something I had dreamt up.

“… How…?”

“It wasn’t hard to figure out, really, with you and Nightmare Moon arriving at the same time. But the point is that you’ve never even bothered to ask the ponies about how you got here.” Discord lowered his voice. “What’s wrong? Don’t you trust them? Or do you doubt that they would even know? Perhaps you were afraid they’d think you were crazy?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“As complicated as lying to yourself? Oh, but you’ve had a lot of practice since you came here, trying to build a little life in Equestria. You might as well have tried to build a sandwich with no bread!” The dimensional rift hissed closed. “Ooh… that’s actually a good idea…”

“What does that even mean?”

“Really, some things you can’t hide from forever, ‘Mark’. Or have you already forgotten about your struggles adapting to your new pony diet?” Discord snapped his claw and a giant 8-pound hamburger dripping with fat appeared in his palm. “Be honest, you need human food.”

“That’s… not fair…” My shoulders deflated.

“Don’t you get a little homesick when you make a reference to your world and nopony gets it? Don’t you get a little lonely being the only human in a world of animals? Don’t you feel a little isolated when you realize that you’re going to grow old here and no one back home will know what became of you? Honestly, I’m worried that you’ve shown as little loyalty to your old life as you have.” The hamburger opened like a clam and the underside of its bun was like a miniature television. As Discord spoke, a slideshow of images accentuated each point. They started with pictures of me standing in the middle of Ponyville, but quickly eliminated everything around me until all that was left was a scene of me standing alone.

“This is just as much my real home as Earth.” A smoldering sensation was rising in my chest.

“And how about when you finally want to start a family? Something that you’ll never find in Equestria. Do you think you’re just going to settle down with some nice mare and share a fairytale happily-ever-after?” The burger vanished, only to be replaced by the sudden manifestation of Derpy. The little grey pegasus hung in the air above Discord’s claw, wearing a white wedding dress and an expression of confusion worthy of Donna Noble aboard the TARDIS. In the next instant, she and the dress disappeared again.

“Is this a part of your game?” I demanded. “Are you trying to intimidate me? Make me admit that I’m worried? Scared, even, of the future? Because I certainly hope I’m more resilient than you seem to think I am.”

“I’m doing you a favor.” Discord leered back at me. “I thought I was pretty good at making a liar out of an honest soul, but you’ve proven to be better. See, you’ve convinced yourself that the mask you wear is your real face. As if this dreamworld you’ve concocted can last forever! A creature that can fool itself… now, that’s a very special kind of chaos.”

“I’m not lying.” I said finally. “And my friends have proven to be strong enough to overcome my secrets.” My opponent sneered as if I had just proven his point. Then he told me,

“It’s high time for you to wake up, Mark. And we’ll see what your friends really think about you.” Discord tilted his head and grinned. I tried to brace myself for anything, but there was no way I could have prepared myself for what happened next. He leaned forward, sighed, and whispered, “I wonder… The face under the mask… Is that… Your true face?”

“…Where have I heard that before?”

To answer that, Discord simply laughed. A haunting, childish chuckle. A sound that used to give me nightmares back when the N64 was popular. The laugh of the Skull Kid.

“Wait, isn’t that? Hey! No! No, no, no. You don’t get to make those kind of references! You’re in Equestria for crying out loud! You don’t even know what The Legend of Zelda is! Hey! Knock it off!”

But my demands went ignored. The draconequus shook his head with an ominous, rattling sound. His orange eyes glowed like lanterns and blotted out all other light. The garden around me grew dark and the sound of his laughter rose until I could hear it inside my very mind. I could feel his chaos magic consuming me like vines of ivy. I covered my face and closed my eyes.

And then it was over.

“What… What did you do?” I gasped, not even sure if I wanted an answer. I peered through my fingers, which was a good sign. At least I wasn’t a deku shrub. (Although, that might have been kind of cool.) I looked back up at Discord and shouted, “What the hell did you just do!?”

But in the moment I lifted my head, something fell from my cheeks. An object, like a bowl, clattered to the ground between my feet. To my horror, I realized it was a hollow shell of my face.

“Aw, God! You took my face! That’s messed up, you creep! I liked that face! Now I look like slenderman!” My opponent slithered forward and snatched up the shell before I could react. He didn’t do anything with it, however, but instead sat watching me with rapt interest. My fingers clawed at what remained of my face, only to find that everything was still there.

“Hold the phone… No, you didn’t. I’ve still got a nose. I like my nose. Eyes? Ok, those are working. Lips? Well, how could I be talking without them? My chin even feels bristly, so it’s not like you took off my epidermis. Fess up, jerk! What the hell did you just take off me?” I looked up at Discord, but he remained silent. Too silent. He sat back like a guy who knew a doozy of a punchline was imminent. My mouth kept flapping,

“All right, so you’re no help. What could be your plan? How does this help your scheme? Or is this just for fun? I mean, I feel all right, a little dizzy perhaps, and yet I just know something’s wrong. Maybe this has something to do with what we were talking about before. Did you take away by ability to lie? The sky is purple! Nope, that’s still working. Perhaps you turned my face purple! That’d be kind of cool. I could dress as Thanos for Halloween. Sorry, ‘Nightmare Night’. I mean, that might be kind of awkward, looking like a giant grape, but not as bad as when I was ‘Cutie Mark’. Hmm... How could I test that? I need a mirror. But what if that’s not it? What else could be wrong? What if it's not aesthetic? Perhaps I should just find a safe place to hide until I’ve got this figured out. But if I was going to do that, why would I tell you about it? As a matter of fact, why would I be telling you any of this stuff? Come to think of it, I don’t normally talk this much. I just pretend to be talkative so that nobody knows how shy I really am. Fess up, Discord, did you take away my ability to shut up? Well? Are you going to answer me or are you just going to sit there like a pile of (expletive)?”

Both hands leapt up to my mouth in shock.

“Holy (cow)! What the (buck)!? Why the (fudge) am I doing this?” As fast as thought, one of my own hands slapped me across the face. “I can’t stop it! Why the (squee) am I cussing? This has never been a (rutting) problem for me before! I had a (darn) vocabulary just a (bloody) moment ago!”

This continued for a while. My body kept trying to hold my mouth shut while a stream of profanity rolled off my tongue with enough fluency to shame a sailor. It wasn’t long until I realized that Discord’s sides were in stitches. His long body writhed on the ground as he howled with laughter. Finally, I calmed down enough to realize what was happening.

“You filthy (dog)! You took away my (goram) inhibition, didn’t you?” It was the only explanation that made sense. My brain had a direct line to my mouth without any filter to keep it in check. My body, likewise, acted on impulse without any planning. The implications were terrifying.

“Just- Just think of it as a favor from your real friend, Discord!” The draconequus wiped tears of mirth from his eyes.

“What!? You think this is a (flipping) favor!? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve put the entire word in jeopardy! What happens if I tell Twilight that I’m actually from Earth? What if I tell her that I hated Equestria Girls? What if I accidentally tell her she’s gonna become an alicorn? Holy (shiitake mushroom)! I did not just say that! Shut up! Shut up! Shut uppity-up-up!” I fell to the ground, desperately trying to punch some sense into myself. Much to the amusement of my audience, I was caught in a pitched battle between whatever popped into my head versus what I should and should not say.

“What? You don’t think your friends will be able to handle the real you?” Discord guffawed.

“This isn’t the real me! Yes, it is! No, it’s not! Yes, it is! Shut the (bleep) up, Mark! You’re endangering the world!”

"Quick!" Discord shouted, "What's the first thing that pops into your head when I say, 'Discord'?"

"I'm howlin' at the moon! And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon!" Fast as thought, words leapt out of my mouth like candy from a pez dispenser.

"Now, what if I say, 'cats'?"

"Nyan nyan nyan-nyan, nyan nyan nyan-yan-yan-yan..." I could feel the color drain from my face. I had no control.

"Pickles!"

"Kumquat! Pickle barrel, kumquat! Pickle barrel, kumquat!" I was nothing more than a plaything. I felt angry, afraid, and disgraced. But I didn't know how to fight it. How could I not be me?

“Now, tell me a nice, juicy secret.” My foe purred. Instantly, I thought about Discord, his rise to power and his downfall when overwhelmed with the Elements of Harmony. And what would come next? Obviously, he’d then ask how I knew and I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that he’s a villain in a children’s TV show. And that knowledge alone could doom the entire episode. The entire future of Equestria! Unfortunately, my mouth was already vomiting sound,

“You’re going to have your (butt) handed to you on a silver platter by- INTO OF DARKNESS AND REDNESS AND WHITENESS!”

“Hm?” The villain tilted his head. “What was that?”

“SUDDENLY, PINAPLES! PSYCH IS AN AMAZING SHOW! I AM A STEGOSAURUS! THE LAND BEFORE TIME WAS MY CHILDHOOD! I CRY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STAR TREK MOVIE EVERY TIME!” A new stream of thoughts, like static in a radio, blotted out what was too dangerous to reveal.

It wasn’t very dignified, but it was working. By drawing upon the supreme power of randomness granted to me by exposure to the internet, I was able to jump between thoughts the way Frogger jumped between logs. In this way, I could keep my slack-jawed-self from answering Discord’s question. It was tricky, but it was the only weapon I had. At least it distracted him,

“This is priceless!” He laughed. “Even without your inhibition, you’re still trying to fight yourself? I’ve never seen such a chaotic creature in all my life!”

“The real me wouldn’t do this! The real me can keep his mouth shut!”

“I think you’ve spent quite enough time biting your tongue.” Discord’s teeth flashed. “I can’t wait until your friends finally get to see you for what you really are. We’ll find out how strong your ‘friendship’ is soon enough.”

“You (dastard)! Get back here!” But the draconequus was already dissolving into the hedges of the palace labyrinth.

“I think my work here is done.” He waved without looking back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a liar out of Applejack. Ta!”

“(Fie) you!” I scratched and bit at the wall, but it was no use. I had been in a horrific hit-and-run with a chaos deity. My arms fell to my sides.

“I can’t let them see me like this… Not like this… What if I spoil the ending? What if I change something? What if I give away a plot twist? What if I accidentally kiss Rarity? Ew!” My feet suddenly started pacing without my approval. It was like the ‘carnivore fiasco’ all over again, but this time, the stakes were much higher. I couldn’t hide my secrets any more. But this time, the risks involved the future of the world. What if the girls learned that I was from another world? Twilight would probably have a nerdgasm and Celestia would probably consider me as a representative of a rival world. What if I told them that I knew the future? Twilight would probably explode twice. Everypony else would fear me and doubt if my friendship was real or manipulative. What if I told them how to defeat Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra and Tirek?

“Then I’d ruin everything.” I gasped. “Even if it’s hard to tell in some seasons, the characters really go through a lot of growth. Especially Twilight. Without her struggles, she’d never learn. If she never learned, she’d never become the hero she needs to become. If she never became a hero, then Tirek’s going to eat the world like the fat(donkey) he is.”

“But you can’t leave now.” A different facet of me spoke up. “Discord’s winning even as we speak. He’s going to tear the group down until there’s nothing left and then he’s going to be invincible. Or so he thinks. In that moment where he’s most confident is where he makes his mistake. Once Twilight remembers how precious friendship is, she can start undoing his damage. You have to be there to make sure that happens! Too much is riding on chance at this point!”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Remind sunbutt to take all her letters and hit ‘return to sender’?”

“Stop talking to me like that! I’m you, (Richard)head! Your friends need you to keep the plot on track now more than ever.”

“But I can’t! Not as I am.”

“You’ll find a way. Besides, you promised Luna, remember?”

“Oh, right… God, she looked depressed staying behind.”

“We found a way to keep info from Discord once, we can do it with the girls.”

“I suppose… Just make sure your brain is faster than your tongue.”

“That’s what she said…”

“You’re a virgin! And that didn’t even make any sense!”

So I (me/we/us) decided to stay. I paced back and forth like a metronome, talking to myself and occasionally coughing up profanity. Discord took his sweet time with the girls, and I could practically envision them falling to his cruel tricks one-by-one. Unlike myself, they didn’t have anything taken away, (except for their wings and horns, but everypony would get their body parts back afterwards) but their real selves were suppressed. All except Twilight Sparkle… for the moment.

Finally, I heard the distant sound of a pegasus tearing through the sky and when I looked up, a rainbow-colored trail of light was retreating into the distance. Rules one and two had been broken simultaneously and the referee wasted no time calling it. All the hedges in the garden sunk into the ground like a glitched video game. All that remained behind was a large patch of dirt and dust with five little ponies in the middle of it.

And Discord.

“Well, well, well. Somepony broke the ‘no wings no magic’ rule.” He gloated. With a snap, the unicorns became unicorns again and Fluttershy got her wings back. “Game’s over my little ponies. You didn’t find your precious elements! Looks like we might be due for a big old storm of chaos!”

A wave of magic pulsed through the air and cotton candy clouds blossomed in the sky like mold. Discord summoned a bright pink umbrella and overextended it with the sound of a mewling cat. Lightning shredded the sky and the villain enjoyed his victory laugh. (No echo effects, though, so I’d call it a 7.5.)

But I knew as well as the draconequus that the game wasn’t really over. Not yet, anyways. There was still one pony who hadn’t been touched by Discord’s influence. One purple unicorn still stood between the embodiment of chaos and the peaceful world of Equestria. One pony still believed in the magic of friendship.

But not for long…

Author's Note

Not a fan of cliffhangers? I can empathize, really. However, to avoid letting this story bloat to an unhealthy size, I decided to cut it. If there are any editors out there with tips on what was entertaining in this chapter and what parts could be trimmed, I'd definitely value the input.

For everyone else, the next chapter should be on its way, and I'm sorry for the wait.

Ch 11: I'm Not a Fan of Puppeteers...

Chapter 11

I’m Not a Fan of Puppeteers…

“… Did I get lost along the way, lose my mind for a new i-den-ti-tay? I quite enjoy ruining your day, an’ I just wanna cause a little en-tro-pay…” I wasn’t really paying attention to the song even though I was the one singing it. As far as I was concerned, the sound coming out of my mouth was akin to static flowing from my mom’s radio. And nobody was allowed to turn off mom’s radio.

Beneath me, in what used to be the expansive Canterlot labyrinth, five ponies and a draconequus played out ‘The Return of Harmony Pt. 2’ as if they were actors on a stage and I had the economy seating.

“Hue-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ha-haa!” Discord celebrated his victory laugh with enough relish to start his own condiment company. He looked like a fish out of water by the way he flopped in the dirt, giggling, while, Twilight Sparkle watched him with turmoil behind her lavender eyes. Her mission had failed, her world was crumbling, and even her friends had pulled their support out from under her. Nothing was left but Discord’s glee.

“And what are you laughing at?” A not-so-pink-ie Pie growled at the draconequus. Her coat no longer shone the way it used to and her eyes were as dark and stormy as the sky. Say what you will about Discord, but his curses were pretty convincing.

“Oh, you ponies are just the most fun I’ve had in eons.” The villain struggled to get his breathing under control as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“Well, quit it!” The little pink pony bared her teeth threateningly. “You’d better think before you laugh at the Pink!... –ie Pie!”

“Oh yeah?” The (British word for female dog) that used to be Fluttershy sneered. “Well, ha ha!”

“Quit it!” Pinkie’s temper flared.

“No. Ha ha!”

“Quit it!!”

“No. Ha, ha-ha, ha ha.” If that taunting had lasted any longer, Pinkie might just have gone full ‘Pinkamena’ on the little pegasus. Fortunately, a new distraction popped up,

“Uh, Rarity?” Applejack poked her head out from behind a giant chunk of granite that the unicorn was standing beside. “This here diamond of yours? Twilight said we should split it six ways since we, uh, found it together.”

“Ooh!” I winced as the dark-white kleptomaniac lashed out with her hooves and clipped AJ across the jaw. She stood between the earth pony and the giant boulder like a mother fox protecting her pups.

“Try it, punk! He’s mine. All mine!” More knife-like kicks drove Applejack further away from the big rock. Twilight looked around her in horror.

“Girls! Why are you acting like this?” There was a pleading tone in her voice. “We need to stick together.”

But that didn’t stem the tide of bickering. Fluttershy kept trying to aggravate the ponies, Pinkie Pie continued being aggravated, Applejack was still denying everything and Rarity persisted in her efforts to polish her oversized paperweight. And Discord kept chortling.

“It’s just too entertaining.” Twilight Sparkle spun on him and snapped,

“Stop it, Discord. You’re not playing fair.”

“I’m not playing fair?” The draconequus lifted his great grey eyebrows, in amusement. “Perhaps we haven’t met. I’m Discord: spirit of chaos and disharmony. Hel-lo?”

“How are we supposed to find the Elements of Harmony when you took away the labyrinth before we could get to the end?” The little unicorn demanded.

“No (spit), Sherlock.” From my vantage point, I rolled my eyes. “That’s like Buffy telling a vampire, ‘Aw, hey, I’m fresh out of wooden stakes. You wouldn’t happen to have any spares would you?’. Then again, Discord’s not trying to abolish the Elements. He’s trying to defeat them. Perhaps… Perhaps letting Twilight find and then fail to use the Elements is more soul-crushing than simply hiding them… Devilishly clever…”

“I never said they were in the labyrinth.” Discord clarified as he ran the purple pony through a flashback of her own memories.

“But… But-” She stammered.

“Keep trying, Twilight Sparkle. Maybe the ‘magic of friendship’ can help you.” Her foe mocked as he prepared to depart. Discord looked down his muzzle and sniffed, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some chaos to wreak.”

The spirit of disharmony vanished, the sky grew heavy with swollen cotton candy clouds, and great globs of creamy chocolate milk began to pepper us. Twilight Sparkle’s spirits fell to her hooves as surely as her chocolatey-wet forelocks fell into her eyes. The alien creature now wearing Pinkie Pie’s face looked up at the sky and spat,

“Chocolate milk? I hate chocolate milk!”

“Ugh…” The purple unicorn tried to shut her eyes, tried to rally her scattered thoughts, and tried to formulate a plan, but a particularly noisy and discourteous human interrupted her.

“Twiiiilliiiighht!” I came barreling down the muddy slope like Sisyphus’s boulder, hollering and waving my arms. I tripped, skid ten feet, scrambled back up and continued to run. By the time I actually got to my friend, I was as clean as a monster truck and smelled like Nesquick.

“Mark?” The purple pony stood where she was like a deer in the headlights.

“Sup?” Slap! I plastered myself up against her face in a tight hug.

“Gald to see you’re all right.” Twilight tried to pull out of my embrace, half of her face painted with dirt.

“Me? I was worried about you. That’s the question. Are you all right? Did Discord get to you? Is your soul crushed yet and you’re on the verge of despair? Hey! You taste like chocolate!” Before I could stop myself, I was licking sweet dairy rain off of the pony’s ear.

“Ew!” The little pony recoiled with a mixture of shock and revulsion. “Mark? What’s gotten into you?”

“Ohmygosh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! I mean-” There was a sharp slap as my right hand punched me across the jaw. “Why did I do that? I’m such a freak! Please forgive me! Forgive this wretched husk of a human!”

“Are you ok?” Twilight asked cautiously. “Where’d you go?”

“Well, while you girls were participating the Triwizard Cup finals, I was over there getting (screwed) by Discord. I’m glad to see you got through the maze in one piece, and I probably would have come running down sooner, but I’m not too eager to become a fan again in this weather. I’ll get soggy.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, (crud)! I said (dirty bird) to Twilight! I’m such a disgrace to the fandom!” More self-inflicted punches. “Shame upon my whole family! Shame upon me! Shame upon my cow! Shame-”

“Hey! Cut that out, Mark!” My friend held back my fist and looked down at my muddy and battered face. It was clear from some of the older bruises that this wasn’t the first time I’d assaulted myself. “Why are you hitting yourself?”

“Dobby is always having to punish himself for something, sir.” I tried to smile, but a cut on my lip discouraged the gesture. “Self-loathing is kind of a hobby of mine, but now that that prick, Discord’s taken away my inhibition, it’s not quite as subtle as it used to be.”

“Took away your inhibition? So he got to you too…” Twilight’s grip on my arm slacked and her eyes dimmed. I pulled myself upright and nodded.

“Yeah… And nah. It’s a curse all right, but not like the racket he’s got going on here.” I swept my hand around at the other ponies. “Discord sealed their true selves one-by-one, first by bringing out what they believed in, and then making them doubt it, resulting in these anti-ponies. Pretty clean-cut procedure, too. All except for Fluttershy. She and Discord have a special relationship.” I winked at the poupon-yellow pegasus, but she just scowled back. “And before you ask, I know this because Discord told me. Not like I have alternate knowledge of the events that I’m not technically supposed to know. Of course not! Not at all!”

“Ok…” Twilight frowned critically. “And how are you?”

“Me? I’m a loose cannon. I’m a bucking bronco. I’m a runaway train. I don’t think I’ve officially been drunk, but I imagine it would feel a lot like this. Without my reticence, I’ve got nothing left to stand between my thoughts and my actions. You’ll notice my vernacular’s a little different. Motor skills are a little jumpy, too.” I jabbed a thumb behind me at the muddy trench I had carved when I tripped. “And I might do crazy things like lick a pony’s ear. And whatever you do, don’t say ‘Everybody do the Flop!’, because I just might.”

“That makes a little more sense.” Twilight wiped her ear thoughtfully. “But you’re still… you?”

“Well, what’s left of me.” There was a moment of thoughtful silence as Twilight Sparkle organized her thoughts. Finally, she ventured,

“Are you scared?”

“Abso-posi-tivi-friggin-lutely.” I gave a reassuring smile. “But I couldn’t just run away. Not when my friends need me the most.”

“Thanks, Mark.” The little pony smiled weakly. “That means a lot right now.”

“Hear that, Discord?” I shouted at the sky. “Score one for friendship!”

“Once we get the Elements we can return everything to normal.” Twilight encouraged. “We just have to find them first.”

“In more ways than one...” I cast a glance over my shoulder to where Rarity was struggling beneath her rock in a desperate attempt to keep it out of the mud.

“What do you mean?” Twilight Sparkle asked. I would have answered, but Applejack piped up,

“Y’know, this is all well and good, Mark, but the rest of us think it’d be better if you just left us alone.” I spun around with tears welling up in my eyes, (I guess crying is a lot easier when you don’t have inhibition.)

“Aww, Applejack! I’m glad to see you too!”

“Wha? I didn’t say that.”

“Shhh…” I held a chocolate-covered finger up to the orange mare’s lips. “I know what you meant.”

“I think that’s why Dash left. Because she thought you were holding her down.” Applejack pulled in her lips and her eyes darted off to the side.

“You really mean that? That’s the best compliment I’ve gotten all day.”

“Something wrong with your hearing?” The liar squinted at me.

“No, just his face! Hey, Mark! You missed a spot!” From the direction of Fluttershy’s voice came a flying wad of mud and milk that plastered the side of my cheek like a giant bird turd.

“Ow! Fluttershy, you (birch)! No! I didn’t just call you that. Forget I called you that. I know it’s not your fault.”

“Oh? Then this isn’t my fault either!” The little pegasus flung another projectile with as much power as Aroldis Chapman. Fortunately, I dodged that one, but Fluttershy only took that as an invitation to continue.

“Ouch! Stop it! Knock it off! Ow! I didn’t mean literally! Hey, that one had a rock in it!” I ran in circles while Twilight Sparkle went back to trying to solve the underlying problem.

“But where could the Elements of Harmony be? ‘Back where you began’? Hmm… ‘Back where you began’?”

“I know where they are!” I proclaimed.

“You do!?” Twilight gasped. My pupils shrunk as I realized what I had just said and was just about to put my foot in my mouth when Fluttershy put something else there instead. One of her mud balls to be precise.

“Gmph! Bleck! Right in the pie hole. Now nothin’s gonna taste right.” I doubled over, spitting. “And I still have splinters in there from chewing on the hedge, too.”

“Mark! What did you say about the Elements? You know where they are?” Twilight Sparkle pressed her muzzle up to my nose.

“No I don’t! Yes, I do. Is it too late to take it back? Yeah, kind of. Should I own up to it now? No, still a bad idea.”

“Where? Focus!”

“Well, maybe I’ll just say that I have a pretty good idea of where to look.” I smiled sheepishly. “You see, Princess Luna tried to explain as much as she could about Discord, his methodology and psyche, and it seems to me as if he doesn’t actually view you as ponies. Oh, sure, he knows how to push your buttons and manipulate all your emotions, but that’s all just a means to an end. Really, he just views you all as the Elements of Harmony, and he thinks the moment you six became tied to the Elements was the night you all decided to go on your quest to find them. You remember? The Golden Oak Library? The book you read from? The moment all your destinies became intertwined? That’s the moment he thinks you ‘began’.”

“I never thought of it like that.” Twilight said hesitantly.

“No, and I think it’s pretty random, too, since we both know that the Castle of the Two Sisters would have been more appropriate, or even right here in Canterlot where the show actually-PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS!”

“What?” The purple pony flinched and folded her ears back.

“WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! WAR, WAR NEVER CHANGES! REALITY IS AN ILLUSION! THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGAM! BUY GOLD! BYE!” Well, the look that Twilight gave me in that moment was certainly a memorable one, but it was still better than admitting that her whole world started with “Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria…” That was one “beginning” that I wasn’t ready to reveal.

“Ok…?” Twilight shook her head. “You lost me there, but I think I understand now. Ponyville. Home. You think the Elements are in Ponyville?”

“I know they are. No, I don’t! Don’t lie! I’m not lying! You’re not telling the truth, either! Yes I am… mostly…”

“Mark?”

“This can’t be good for my nerves.”

“How can you lie if you really don’t have any self-control?”

“Without my inhibition, I can’t decide if I want to lie or not, no, but I can still do it, yes. I’m just such an honest guy that the truth’s usually the first thing that jumps out.”

“But why would you want to lie?” A wounded expression passed over Twilight’s face. I leaned forward, narrowed my eyes and lowered my voice,

“Please, Twilight. My choice of what I do and do not tell you is the last shred of dignity I have. I’m begging you, please respect that and know that I’m doing what I do to keep you safe. I have to ask you not to take that from me as well. Now, can you still trust me?”

In response, Twilight Sparkle nodded slowly.

“Thank you. Score two for friendship, eh?” I straightened back up. “Now! To Ponyville!”

“Right! To Ponyville. That’s the best lead we have so far.” The purple unicorn smiled enthusiastically, but the expression vanished in an instant. “But how will we get there?”

“What? We can’t just do a scene-change?” I wiped chocolate milk out of my eyes. “I don’t suppose you can teleport us all at once?”

That was a negative.

“Alright… Let’s see here.” I sighed, turning a full 360 degrees to get my bearings. Where we were standing at that moment wasn’t a very good vantage point, but I was still able to see the palace above us and a massive cotton candy storm representing Ponyville in the valley. I knelt down in the mud and doodled a little diagram. It portrayed a little mountain with a ‘you are here’ sign at the top and a little village with the Elements and Discord at the bottom.

“The way I see it, we’re at the top of a cliff and we need to get down. Canterlot has three routes connecting it to the rest of the world. A train, which is currently a big dessert, a carriage road, and the sky docks. There’s also good ol’ gravity, but let’s call that ‘plan Z’.”

“Plan Z?”

“Meaning that any and every other plan comes before it. So! We can check out the train station and hope that they got it running again, but it’s doubtful. Not to mention, we’d be betting our lives on the hope that the train tracks themselves don’t turn into gummy worms halfway down the mountain. That leaves the sky docks and the foot path. Now I’m going to be perfectly honest and admit that I’m biased toward taking an airship.”

“Why’s that?” Twilight glanced over my shoulder at my tiny doodle of a pegasus zeppelin.

“Because airships are friggin’ awesome, they’re the fastest option, they’re more awesome, and finally, I don’t think Rarity will survive lugging her new boyfriend down the carriage route.”

As if on cue, my vision was suddenly filled with the great grey hide of a gigantic bounder. An exhausted Rarity carefully lowered her precious megalith in front of me and began wiping chocolate milk off its surface.

“Rarity! Get your rock off my map!”

“So rude!” She clicked her tongue disdainfully. “Can’t you just appreciate the fact that you are in the presence of perfection? Just look at its magnificence! Witness its beauty. But don’t touch! It’s mine, you hear me! All mine!” Rarity went from graceful to scary faster than the angels in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’.

“Yes, ma’am!” I scrambled away from the object of contention.

“I’m touching your gem, Rarity. Ha, ha.” Fluttershy alighted on the boulder from above, sneering like a gargoyle.

“What ‘chu laughing at?” Pinkie Pie snarled.

“Sorry. I can’t help it if your face is one of nature’s best jokes.” The pegasus taunted.

“Ooohhh! Apply cold water to the buuurrrn!” I hollered. Pinkie Pie’s face burned beet red.

“Everyone, calm down.” Twilight Sparkle pleaded. “We still have to stop Discord. So please, stop fighting.”

“Twilight’s right.” I clapped my gooey hands together. “Girls! We’re getting out of this mud hole! Follow me.”

“But I want to stay here.” Applejack moped.

“Then get your rear in gear! C’mon, let’s make like a tree and get outta here. Move it!”

Finally, and with no shortage of mumbling, our group finally plodded out of the Canterlot gardens. The city that once shone as pristine as snow now looked as soiled as a manure plant. The glistening rooves had ribbons of brown liquid streaming off them and the polished streets were clogged with spoiled milk runoff. I found myself praying that the brown liquid burbling out of the sewers was just chocolate and not pony waste. Even the city’s shinning banners hung heavy and stained like used toilet paper. Anypony with a lick of sense was barricaded indoors, but our group still pressed on towards the sky docks. When we got there, an unusual scene was waiting for us.

“Where is everypony?” I wondered, looking over the vast empty platform before us. The docks were almost devoid of life. Most of the ships had already fled the bizarre storms, but quite a few vessels remained moored to their stations, swaying to and fro like nervous cattle. “I kind of thought this place would be as busy as the train station, you know? Full of ponies trying to get out of Dodge.”

“Maybe something’s happened. I see a couple guards here.” Twilight mused. “Oh, there’s somepony. Excuse me, sir?” The little unicorn ran onto the platform where a silver-grey pegasus stallion was stomping away from a little schooner. He wore a blue shirt over his hefty belly and a sour scowl. He looked up as Twilight asked, “We need a ship to take us to Ponyville. How come none of the ships are running?”

“How come? I’ll tell you how come!” The pegasus sounded as if he had swallowed a fog horn. “A moment ago half the city was crowded on this very platform, trying to escape whatever blasted curse’s hit us, when all of a sudden, the High Benevolence up and flew away!”

“Well, yeah?” I looked around uncertainly. “I mean, if it’s an airship, isn’t it supposed to do that?”

“Don’t interrupt my story, boy!” The silver pony chewed. “I mean, it transformed into a flippin’ flying whale and swam away! Whistling like an ice cream truck, it was, and grinnin’ all the while!”

“Ok, see that’s different.”

“Nopony wanted to go sailing after that, let me tell you!” The pegasus continued. “Everypony ran home with their tales between their legs and the guards? They all got scared and declared it unsafe to fly until they know what we’re dealing with. Now I’m stuck here until they say it’s safe, but those blingy unicorn blighters don’t know that you can’t keep an airship docked during a storm! Just watch, once the real wind hits us there won’t be any airships left to worry about!”

“What? Too fat to fly home without your little boat?” Fluttershy jabbed. The silver pony’s lip twitched and he tried to pull his shirt a little lower over his belly.

“I’m not fat. I just have big bones.”

“Yeah, and they’re covered with big meat…” The yellow pegasus mumbled.

“Listen, missy, I’m not going anywhere without my ship! You, a pegasus, should know better than that.”

“Then perhaps we can help each other.” Twilight’s face lit up. “We need to get to Ponyville and you need to get your ship out of the harbor. I’m sure that if I talk with the guards, they’ll let you sail.”

“And what makes you so sure?” The stallion squinted critically. “What can you tell ‘em that I haven’t already tried?”

“Well, for one thing, it’s her job to know exactly what we’re fighting.” I folded my arms and leaned back on my foot. “What? You don’t recognize Twilight Sparkle? She and her friends are only the saviors of Equestria. Restoring harmony to the world is kind of her thing, but it’s perfectly understandable if you don’t want to help her do it again. I am being very sarcastic, just so you know.”

“Mark, that’s not necessary.” Twilight waved a hoof at me.

“Twilight Sparkle?” The silver pony turned to face her. “The princess’s most prized student? The prodigy? I apologize for not recognizing you, miss. Last I heard, you were somewhat of a recluse.”

“Ouch!” I grinned.

“Will you help us, sir?” The purple pony pressed.

“Little miss, if you can force some sense through the guard’s helmets, I and my ship would be in your dept.”

“Deal.” Twilight turned and trotted over to a trio of tense guards. Of course, they were leery about lifting their quarantine, but unlike the silver pegasus, they knew who the purple unicorn was. Perhaps they even knew how much the princess trusted her student. Whatever the case, they were cooperative and it wasn’t long before Twilight cantered back with the good news.

“Alright. We’re free to fly.”

“Yes!” I pumped a fist. “That worked out remarkably well. Like a charm. Or a Staples ‘easy’ button. Or a JRPG quest.” Twilight turned to the silver pegasus,

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we caught your name.”

“Brave n’ Sure.” The stallion tugged on his cap and gestured up to the long narrow hull of his ship. “And this here’s my darling.” A muffled chortle leapt out of my throat,

“Wait, you’re the captain, right?”

“Aye?”

“So, one could say you’re the skipper, right?”

“Aye…” Brave n’ Sure frowned at me uncertainly.

“Ba-ha-ha-haa!” I collapsed on Pinkie Pie’s neck, a slave to the throes of hilarity.

“Something amusing?” The scowl deepened.

“Hey, Pinkie. Pinkie? Hey. Hey, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie, hey!” I poked my friend’s shoulder.

“What?” The pink grouch almost bit my head off, but I didn’t care,

“He’s the skipper, Brave n’ Sure’!” Whatever poise I had left was forfeit as the laughing renewed.

“So?” Pinkie Pie growled.

“Oh, come on!” I got back to my feet. “I will pay you to laugh at that one.”

“Then you’re going to be very rich.” Pinkie Pie’s face was as sweet as Tartar Sauce.

“Quite the polite group of friends you’ve got here, Twilight Sparkle.” The captain looked over his shoulder at the unicorn.

“Not the word I would use.” The purple pony shared Brave n’ Sure’s look of disapproval.

“I’m sorry!” I squeaked, flinging tears from my eyes. “I can’t help it.”

“Well, could you at least look like you’re trying?” Twilight snapped. Then, looking around the group, she added, “All of you! Captain Brave n’ Sure’s kind enough to help us, so is it really too much to ask to treat him with respect? I don’t care what Discord’s done to you, just try and keep it together until we get to Ponyville.”

“Meh…” Was all that came from the group.

“Just the six of you?” The silver stallion asked.

“And the big guy.” I jabbed a thumb at Tom, Rarity’s boulder. “I know what you're thinking, 'Oh my god, a giant rock!'. And before you ask, yes, she needs it. Or, at least, she thinks she does.”

“Precious baby…” Rarity pressed her cheek up against the rock’s cold hard surface, oblivious to the dialogue around her. Brave n’ Sure stared at her for a moment before sighing and shaking his head,

“I’ll move some cargo around.” He said resignedly.

“Cool! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some freaking out to do.” And before anypony could stop me, I sprinted down the nearest dock, shot across a retractable gangplank and leapt onto the deck of Brave n’ Shure’s ship.

I paused, let my head fall back on my shoulders and opened my hands in euphoria as I slowly turned and soaked in the world around me. I saw the voluptuous balloon fabric above me like a swaying planet, felt the rolling deck beneath my feet, and listened to the rigging as it whistled in the breeze. The other ponies followed me aboard, but I was lost in my rapture, emotion welling up in me like the dawn.

“Hey, Mark? Are you all right?” Twilight Sparkle grunted as she and Rarity wrestled Tom onto the ship. Tears were eking from the corners of my eyes and my chest was full to bursting with happiness. When I finally exploded, I made Vesuvius look like a firecracker,

“I’M ON AN AIRSHIP! AN AIRSHIP, TWILIGHT! A MOTHER (fleck)ING AIRSHIP!” Followed my much incoherent yelling.

“Big deal.” Applejack moped. “I’ve been on hundreds of sky ships. All nicer than this one.”

“I’M ACTUALLY ON AN AIRSHIP! WAAA…” I wailed like a siren as I ran to the fore of the ship, the aft, the fore again, and then leapt up onto the railing.

“Mark! What are you thinking!?” A purple aura latched onto my shirt and held me back. I leaned forward into nothingness and stared at the distant world beneath me, grinning like a maniac and laughing like a hyena.

“… I’m on an airship.” I giggled, looking back at my friend.

“Yes, yes you are. But you need to get back on the right side of the railing, ok?” The magic aura tugged gently. “I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea, what with your curse and all.”

“No kidding. This is weird.” I leaned further forward. “I feel nothing. Just… elation.”

“What is it with you and airships, anyway?” Twilight only released her spell when I returned to the deck. I flashed all my teeth as I explained,

“Everyone’s got their quirks. Fluttershy’s into fashion. Rarity daydreams about hipsters. Rainbow Dash has a thing for Daring- I mean, adventure-archaeology. And I? I’m a steampunk. I don’t know why, but I love airships. That’s kind of a curse growing up in a world without airships. Kind of crushes the dream, you know, but LOOK AT ME NOW, MOMMA! I MADE IT! WOO!” Not that my mom could hear me from a world away, and if she could, I don’t think she would have appreciated my in-your-face attitude.

“That’s strange that Oregon doesn’t have airships, but then again, you said you don’t have pegasi to…”

“Hehe. Of course Oregon doesn’t have airships. America doesn’t have airships. The whole world doesn’t have airships anymore! Except Goodyear, I guess.”

“World?” Twilight paused mid-stride. “I thought you said-”

“Planet Earth. Seven seas, seven continents, seven billion people. And if you ask any one of them what they think about airships, the first thing that comes to mind is ‘Oh, the humanity!’. Or Led Zeppelin…”

“I don’t get it. Why would you say that?” The purple unicorn looked up at me intently. “You said you were from a land to the northwest.”

“Of course I did. It’s not like I was just going to just pop out of the Everfree forest and say, ‘Hi, girls! I’m a walking, talking, lanky, carnivorous bald mole rat from another planet! Can I be your best friend?’ Because then you’d be all ‘hell, naw!’…”

“Another planet?” Twilight Sparkle looked at me in disbelief. Not because she couldn’t bring herself to believe in other worlds, but more because, “Mark, don’t you think you should have told us something like this before? Why would you lie about that?”

“Because of that, right there.” I pointed at my friend’s face. “That shocked, wary, disbelieving, precarious expression. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t see how it was relevant and wanted to let you get to know me as a person instead of as an alien. How else could I be sure that I’m truly your friend instead of just a thesis on trans-dimensional leakage? To be honest, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this right now anyways, but since I’m not punching myself yet or singing a random Disney song, I guess there’s a part of me that’s wanted to tell you for a while and now’s as good a time as ever. Just so long as I stop myself before I tell you that your world’s a- SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! EVEN THOUGH THE SOUND OF IT IS SOMETHING QUITE ATROCIOUS! IF YOU SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YOU’LL ALWAYS SOUND PRECOCIOUS-”

“What is that caterwauling?” Rarity cried.

“I enjoy it.” Applejack pursed her lips tightly together.

“All right, I’ll stop. Sheesh, AJ, you’re such a critic.” I glanced back at the ship’s railing. “Sorry. I’m under control now. I just- wait! I thought of something else! Nope, it’s too cliché. I’m not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Not gonna- Aw, screw it!” I threw myself back towards the front of the ship and shouted, “I’m king of the world!”

That time, however, Twilight Sparkle didn’t try to stop me. She was staring at the deck, or through it, with a weighty expression in her eyes.

“All right, if there’s nothing else, then we can be on our way!” Brave n’ Sure hollered from the ship’s helm. Everypony braced themselves as the lines were cast off and the captain activated the ship’s propellers. The throbbing engines pounded the air and the ship slowly slid into the endless sky.

I ran another circuit around the deck, my smile so broad it threatened to split my face in half. The airships of Equestria were a testament to everything great about living in a fantasy world. The hull was fashioned from light and sturdy lumber, the engines were crafted from recursive magic circuits (nigh identical to Tank’s propellers) and the balloon itself was filled with specially harvested gasses from the aether. This combination of earth, unicorn, and pegasus technology was the perfect symbol of Equestria’s peace and prosperity.

“Look lively!” Brave n’ Sure bellowed, frowning down on his motley passengers. “This isn’t a cruise and you should all be off my boat within the half-hour, but these aren’t your normal flying conditions, either. In case of emergency-”

“In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the rug and-”

“As I was saying!” The captain cut me off. “Don’t touch the pressure valves, don’t shift any cargo, and if something goes wrong, all non-pegasi should use the life baskets located to the port and starboard of the mid-deck.”

I looked in the direction indicated to see a pair of twin wicker baskets no larger than recycling bins. They hung halfway off the deck and sported a couple cords attached to a package above. It didn’t take a stretch of the imagination to postulate that the package was a parachute, waiting to fling itself open should the ship lose buoyancy.

“Aye, aye, captain!” I flung a salute at the silver pony. “I can’t hear you! Aye, aye, captain! Ooohh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!”

“You’re doing it again.” Rarity sighed in exasperation.

“And I will never stop! Not as long as this mortal husk draws breath, I will forever carry a smile on my lips and a song in my heart!” I clenched my knuckles until they turned pale and squeezed passionate tears out of my eyes. “’Cause when you find you’ve got the music, got the music in you…”

“That’d be fine, except for the fact you sing like a timberwolf with strep throat.” Fluttershy clicked her tongue.

“Augh! The words! They cut like knives!” I crumpled to the deck, clutching my heart.

“What a drama queen.” The white unicorn watched me, unamused.

“No! I’m not going to let that get to me. That’s not going to ruin my day! I’m on an airship, after all! I’m on the… uh… Hey, Twilight, what should we call this ship? How about the Graf Zeppelin? No! The Minnow! How about the Serenity? The Enterprise? Ooh, how about the Aurora Song? No, my fanfic wasn’t very popular... How about the CheriMac? That’s practically cannon. Or the-”

“She has a name!” Brave n’ Sure looked up at the underside of his balloon with pride. “You’re aboard the Metamorphosis, boy.”

“Metamorphosis?” I chewed on the word. “I guess that makes sense. That would explain why the balloon is decorated like butterfly wings. Five syllables, too. I like it. Only the best ship names have five syllables. Like the Pillar of Autumn. Or the Forward Unto Dawn. Or the Shadow of Intent. Can you guess which series I was playing when I noticed that?”

Nopony replied and I didn’t care. I settled into a routine of wandering around the ship, bugging the captain with questions, and watching the ground as we crept closer to Ponyville. All the while, one shanty or another was on my lips. I ran through so many tunes, I stopped listening to myself. I know I ran through Carbon Maestro’s ‘Lunar Pirate’, Lazy Town’s ‘You Are a Pirate’, Captain Tractor’s version of ‘The Last Saskatchewan Pirate’, and at least ten Abney Park pieces, including ‘The Wrath of Fate’, ‘Under the Radar’, and ‘Buy the Captain Rum’. (If you haven’t heard them, I’m sorry, but they’re too awesome to describe here.)

“I’m thirsty.” My voice finally ground to a halt.

“Good for you.” Pinkie Pie stared dejectedly at the ground below.

“A little glass of water, please. A fresh-pressed hanky, if I sneeze. Some tea with honey from the bees, whenever you can brew it. Is it weird that I memorized that whole song?” I wandered over to a large rain barrel and casually dipped a ladle into it, but my fidgety eyes belied my unease. The trip had gone well thus far. Perhaps too well. Canterlot was a great spikey silhouette above us and Ponyville was just coming into view beneath Discord’s chaos storm. Brave n’ Sure wove his way through the sporadic cotton candy clouds with a steady hoof, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were being watched.

“I think we’re being watched.” I muttered into my ladle.

“Well, I don’t.” Applejack piped up. “Discord’s got better things to worry about than us sneakin’ up on him.”

“Exactly.” My eyes shifted back and forth like a metronome. “This is his big day and he’s not going to leave anything to chance. I’m just worried that a big ol’ airship would be a tempting target to play a prank on. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all…”

“We’re almost down the cliff.” AJ assured.

“Eyeup!” I nodded. “Anything could happen up here.” I tried to take another sip of water, but something hard and slimy, like a skinned grape, met my lips. I looked down into the ladle only to see a giant orange eye gazing back at me. “Aw! (Sauna ab itch)! You sick (bastard file)!”

I chucked the ladle into the empty sky and kicked the rain barrel overboard.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Brave n’ Sure demanded.

“What happened?” Twilight and the rest of the ponies looked up in alarm as I emptied my stomach over the railing.

“I know the answer, but I’m not tellin’.” Applejack shrugged.

“Discord!” I spat. “Discord’s here! He’s watching us!”

“Who?” The captain peered at me. “Watching us? What are you saying? There isn’t anything in this blasted storm except the Metamorphosis and even she shouldn’t be here. It’s getting to be as thick as pea soup.”

And, just like that, the air was choked with steaming hot bowls of pea soup.

“Maria, madre de Dios…” I hissed.

Everypony was stunned at the new scene they found themselves in. There was something serene about the silently floating bowls, as if one were standing in a field of frozen butterflies. Pinkie Pie plucked some pea soup out of the air as it passed by, took a sip and tossed it overboard.

“Of course it needs salt.” She growled.

We were shaken out of our reverie by the sound of smashed cutlery and a sudden change in the engine’s tone. I spun around to see the starboard propellers coughing out green paste and the fractured remains of a decimated bowl. A sharp whine pierced the air and the throbbing engines shook the deck with a vengeance.

“We’ve struck one! We’re hit!” Brave n’ Sure cried at the top of his lungs, but he sounded muffled and distant. My world became a dark tunnel as adrenaline seeped into my veins. In one moment, I saw the mutilated propellers flailing like metal spaghetti, and in the next, I watched as the entire starboard engine tore itself to pieces.

“Hit the deck!” Even my voice sounded far away. I threw myself onto Pinkie Pie and pinned her to the floor while little bits of fuselage and magic sparks showered the hull.

“Get off of me!” The incensed mare kicked me to my feet, but I didn’t feel it. I looked back up at Brave n’ Sure to see him locked in battle with his ship’s steering wheel.

“Captain!”

“All hooves! Brace yourselves!” He roared just as I felt the ship list under my feet. The engines had been shut down, but I could still feel a powerful sense of motion like drifting, sinking, vertigo. My eyes turned skyward to the ship’s balloon and my heart stopped mid-beat. One of the propellers that had torn free had eviscerated the Metamorphosis’s envelope. Icy white clouds were pouring from a horrific gash in the fabric and there was a mild to very good chance it had shot through the other side of the balloon as well.

“Hey, Twilight?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember ‘Plan Z’?” At my words, the little unicorn paled. Fortunately, Brave n’ Sure’s commanding voice forced her into action,

“I’m losing her! All non-pegasi prepare to abandon ship!” Later, when I had greater presence of mind, I realized that it wasn’t because of a lack of confidence that the captain was so ready to give that order, but an abundance of experience. Sure, the ship had a couple minutes of flight yet, and even some reserve vapors too, but the life baskets didn’t. If the ship was going to go down at all, then we needed to give the parachutes as much altitude to open as possible.

“You heard the man! Let’s move! Move! Move!” Something clicked in my head and I immediately set to work taking care of the passengers so that the captain wouldn’t have to. “One, two, three, four, five- Hey! Where’s six? Oh, yeah, Rainbow isn’t here. Fluttershy, take off already! That leaves- blast! One of these baskets is going to be a tight squeeze. Fluttershy, get out of here, already!”

“Nah, I’d rather just watch the flightless ones run around like chickens.” The yellow pegasus jeered.

“This isn’t a debate! This! Is! Sparta!” One of my feet caught the little pony in the chest and sent her tumbling back over the railing.

“Mark!” Twilight Sparkle gasped.

“I know! I know! The bronies and I will crucify me later, now get your flank to the baskets!” The ship gave another lurch and I would have lost my lunch if there had been anything left in my stomach. Brave n’ Sure was holding us steady, but the ship itself was approaching freefall.

I shoved a grumpy Pie and a sour Apple into the starboard basket and kicked it free as well. For a moment, they remained connected to the ship by a single length of rope, but as soon as they hit the end of it, a bright red parachute opened above them. I would have patted myself on the back for a job well-done, but the Metamorphosis continued to plummet until we were even lower than the life basket. My ears popped painfully.

“Get going! It’s about to get bumpy!” The captain pleaded. I looked behind me. Twilight was desperately trying to convince Rarity to board the second basket, but the white unicorn was throwing a tizzy about her rock.

“I’m not leaving you! My baby! My precious little-”

“Rarity! Your rock will survive a crash! You wont!” I dashed forward and slid an arm between the pony and the rock. I got a sharp kick in the eye for it, too.

“Let me go, you hooligan! Vulgar, uncultured beast! Unhand me!” Rarity was dragged to the life basket inch-by-inch like a cat to a bathtub. Before long, I had numerous scratches and a bizarre ringing in my head.

“This isn’t the Titanic and you’re not Jack! Ow! Twilight, hold her!”

“I’m trying!” The purple unicorn’s magic flared to life as she fought to hold Rarity in check. The white mare, however, continue to bite, kick and scream until I thought my eardrums would burst.

“No! My darling! He needs me!” Rarity’s own horn blossomed with sapphire light which thrashed about indiscriminately. Twilight’s magic slipped off the mare’s limbs and I got bowled over as the white unicorn raced back to her beloved rock. A wave of nausea washed over me as I watched all our progress reduced to nothing. There wasn’t any more time. The green plains of Ponyville rose up to greet us like jaws and the Metamorphosis was still gaining speed.

“Too late! Brace for impact!” The captain howled. My heart shoved a douse of ice water through my veins as I realized how helpless I was. We were already too low to take the life raft. I had no wings to carry Twilight to safety. I had no magic to help pry Rarity off her stone. I had failed my mission. I had failed the story. But worst of all, I had failed my friends. I turned back toward Twilight as the land rushed up to pulverize the airship, my expression as hollow and cold as my heart as I whispered,

“I’m sorry...”

A radiant pink flash filled my vision and I felt my body squeezed through an invisible bottleneck. When the light faded, I was standing on grass. Rarity and Twilight stood beside me, the purple unicorn’s horn flickering with magic static. In the distance, the Metamorphosis fell to the earth in slow-motion. With all the passengers gone and the green hills only meters away, Brave n’ Sure gave full-vent to his vapor reserves and reignited the remaining engine. The hull slowed, lifted its prow, and finally collapsed on the outskirts of Ponyville.

“Augh! My darling!” Rarity ran past me, spinning me like a revolving door, as she charged towards the ship like a shopper on black Friday.

“Teleportation?...” I breathed, glancing at Twilight Sparkle. “You saved us…” The unicorn looked shaken, but unharmed. She took a couple deep breaths before asking,

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah…” I stumbled towards the fallen skyship. “Just fine…”

Rarity clambered back up on deck and Applejack and Pinkie Pie alighted safely nearby, but I didn’t notice. I stared blankly ahead as I walked back to the ship. Even without inhibition, it was difficult to express what I was feeling, mostly because what I was feeling was emptiness. I had failed. I had died. In that one moment, the light of hope had flickered and a pure, unadulterated despair had taken its place. I stared up at the hull of the Metamorphosis, and punched it.

“Dammit!” I thundered, holding my fist against the ship for a moment. “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!” I probably would have broken my knuckles if Twilight Sparkle didn’t grab my hand.

“Knock it off.” She pleaded. “What’s wrong?” My fist quivered in her grip, the skin split across the bones.

“Helpless…” I seethed. “So… helpless…” Hot tears of indignation boiled out of my eyes. “I’ve never felt so helpless before. Why here? Why now? Why did today have to be the day I let you down? Why couldn’t I do anything!?”

“You didn’t let us down!” My friend tried to catch my eye, but I turned away. “You did your best. We’re still safe. There wasn’t anything else you could do.”

“Exactly…” My breaths shivered. “Just a useless, pathetic, human… Trying to convince himself that he's important…”

“Don’t forget ugly.” Fluttershy alighted on the railing above me. (I probably deserved that after kicking her.) Twilight Sparkle shot her an angry look and lifted my bleeding hand.

“You’re not useless. Look at what you did for Pinkie Pie and Applejack.”

“You saved my life!” I clenched my teeth. “And I’m supposed to be the one saving you! How can I do that when I can’t even look after myself!?”

“Stop it. It doesn’t work like that, remember? We’re friends, and that means we look after each other.”

“Yeah, because that’s been working out so well.” Pinkie Pie glowered at the sunken Metamorphosis. The canvass balloon was as limp as seaweed, clinging onto what few clouds it still contained.

“Is everypony all right?” Brave n’ Sure’s face poked over the edge of the deck. “No broken bones?”

“… That I can tell…” I ruefully wrapped my knuckles with my handkerchief.

“Feeling better?” Twilight looked up at my face, my expression restless and galvanized.

“Yeah.” I straightened myself. “Look at me, moping around when there’s work to do. Come on, girls, let’s go (screw) Discord in the (plot) with an auger.”

“What about the airship?” The purple unicorn glanced up at the hull.

“Don’t worry, it’s a rental. We’ll just sucker Celestia into paying for it.” I waved up at the silver pegasus captain. “I’m being facetious, by the way! You’re awesome! Your ship is awesome! And if there was any confusion earlier, your name is awesome!”

Brave n’ Sure watched us unload Rarity’s rock and begin hiking the remaining distance to Ponyville. He shook his head at the shattered, technicolor landscape that awaited us and muttered,

“You kids watch yourselves. No good can come of running into that mess…”

But run into that mess we did. Twilight led the way, but as we got closer and closer, Ponyville became harder and harder to recognize. The epicenter of the twisted chaos storm sat above the town hall, or at least what used to be the hall. It and other buildings had been torn from their foundations and now floated around like koi in an aquarium. What used to be pony’s lawns and fields now looked like half-melted chess boards and the river was a sickly Pepto-Bismol-color.

“Looks like Mabel got into the Smile Dip again.” I bit my lip uncertainly.

“Come on, girls. I’m certain this is what Discord’s riddle really meant.” Twilight continued to march forward. “If we get back to the library, I know we can-Ah!” Suddenly, a stampede of rabbit-like creatures with long legs and hooves charged across the hills, trampling over Twilight and throwing our group into disarray. The white beast leading the charge looked particularly familiar…

“Good boy, Angel.” Fluttershy cheered sarcastically. “Mama’s so proud.”

“Fluttershy! I swear if I get a hold of your bunny, I’m gonna make him into a stew, you hear me!? A stew! Well, not really, because then I’d feel bad, but… Hey! Who turned out the lights?” In that moment, the bright sunny sky vanished and the land was plunged into a pitch-black night. I waved my hands in front of my face, but my sunlight-adjusted eyes might as well have been shut.

“Wow, I can see so much better now.” I heard Applejack complaining. I also heard a gurgling, bubbling sound and braced myself. Discord was laying out his own version of the red carpet for Twilight and it wasn’t red or a carpet. I froze in place, perfectly poised while the dirt beneath my shoes was replaced with soap, but it was a fleeting moment of dignity. In the next instant, somepony (probably Applejack) slid into me and all sense of balance was naught but a distant memory.

“(Sofa witch)!” There were a couple more thuds and then,

“I meant to do that…” The closest thing to an apology the orange mare could give. With a blinding flash, the sun came back up. Not that I needed it to know how ridiculous we all looked.

“Discord’s turned our dirt roads into soap!” Twilight grunted.

“You don’t say?” Nicholas Cage face.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” The object of discussion himself cooed as he skated by. Discord glanced down his snout at his guests. “This is the new and improved Ponyville, and these are only my first of changes.”

Pinkie Pie slid gracefully down the street, her face as hard as granite.

“This might look like fun, but it’s not!” She huffed. Twilight tried to sigh, but the gesture was interrupted by Discord.

“Picture it. The chaos capital of the world.” He held the purple unicorn up to get a better view of the town only for the sun to vanish again.

“I can’t picture anything. It’s too dark.” Twilight’s attempt at being obstinate was punctuated by a splash as Discord dropped her back into the soap.

“Well, wait a few minutes and you’ll see it in the beautiful light of day… Or not.” The draconequus leapt upwards in a beautiful ballon before blinking out of existence.

“Ponyville? The chaos capital of the world?” The purple pony splashed a hoof defiantly. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t.” Fluttershy cackled mischievously. Twilight Sparkle sighed as if those words alone were a kick in the gut.

Walking through Ponyville was no easier than actually getting there. With every loop-the-loop road, every dead end and every jell-o path we traveled, Twilight’s spirits dipped lower and lower. Everything out of place in her hometown was a personal affront and Discord had no lack of insults prepared for her. All the houses were twisted beyond recognition like a Dr. Seuss drawing, the trees were alien and plastic, and there were even a few moments when I could have sworn I saw reality bending like a carnival mirror. The fact that our friends were a constant source of stress too didn’t help anything.

“Never really liked this town to begin with…”

“Beat it, loser!”

“Did I give you permission to look at my gem?”

“Say that to my face!”

“Did I step in manure or is that just you?”

“Personal space! You’re violating my space!”

“Go soak your head in the piranha pond.”

“This is just a wild goose chase if you ask me.”

I glanced at Twilight, concerned. Sure, from a logical perspective, I knew that the show had to run its course, but actually seeing her get worn down was another thing entirely. Twilight had reached the end of her rope about a block ago and now she was just hanging on by a thread.

“Hey, you all right?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

“Fine! Why wouldn’t I be? I’m hanging out with a bunch of jerks who don’t seem to care that their world’s being turned into a piñata!”

“Hey, now, that’s kind of harsh.” I soothed. “Remember, these are your friends, after all. You need to hold it together for just a little longer and then you can hate each other as much as you want. Oh, I just realized that I’m one of the jerks you’re talking about. Of course, it’s better being called a jerk instead of explaining how, ‘this is all fated to be because’- EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG! BLACK IS WHITE, UP IS DOWN AND SHORT IS LONG. AND EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT WAS JUST SO IMPORTANT DOESN’T MATTER!”

“How apt.” The purple unicorn said dryly.

“No, that’s Weird Al. You’re not supposed to take it seriously…”

“I know they’re my friends.” Twilight glanced at the dysfunctional caravan behind her. “But if they’re really in there, under the curse, I just thought they’d do more to fight it.”

“Hey, we’ve corralled them all the way here. That in and of itself is a miracle.” I glanced over my shoulder. “As for what’s going on in their heads, I haven’t the foggiest. It might be like a dream, or a nightmare where you can’t control your actions, or the real them might just be sleeping, I don’t know. The scary part, though, is what if they’re conscious after all? And what if they start believing that this false version is their real selves? Then what?” Even as I watched, the last of Pinkie Pie’s color drained from her coat, leaving a graphite-grey earth pony behind. A shiver ran up the back of my neck. “We need to hurry…”

Finally, the Golden Oak Library came into view, a mysteriously untouched bastion of normal in a sea of mind-warping chaos. An emotionally drained Twilight Sparkle gestured at the building, but her words didn’t carry any enthusiasm,

“Okay, we’re here. Everyone please, please, please just go inside, please?”

“I absolutely refuse.” A cooperative AJ marched forward.

“With pleasure.” Fluttershy guided her path through Twilight’s flower bed.

“I hate libraries!” Pinkie Pie spat.

“That everyone?” I glanced over my shoulder. “Rarity?” But the prissy unicorn had fallen behind, sweat dripping from her forehead as she wrestled with her ginormous ‘gem’.

“Please,” Twilight pleaded, “we gotta hurry!”

“Forget it, Twilight.” Rarity spun around. “I know what you’re up to. The second I go in, you’ll have your little minion, Spike, come and take Tom!” Twilight’s shoulders drooped in disbelief,

“Tom?”

“Well, it’s not going to work.” Rarity continued preening her prize.

“You’re not going in without him, are you?” Rarity answered in the negative. Twilight rolled her eyes, but helped move the megalith indoors.

Meanwhile, I and the other ponies had taken shelter in the library itself. I blinked my eyes a couple times to try and readjust them to what ‘normal’ looked like. After strolling through a world inspired by Wall-Mart’s ‘pink aisle’, my retinas felt stained with bubblegum-colored light. In the middle of this sanctuary, Spike was curled up on the floor with a mop and bucket, oblivious to the disintegrating world around him, proof that it was in fact possible to sleep through the apocalypse.

However, Fluttershy had other plans for the little dragon.

Splash! With a cruel glee, the little pegasus plucked up the bucket of mop water and overturned it on Spike’s head.

“Ah! Brrr!” He sprung to life, claws hooked into the floor and eyes wide. “What did you do that for, Fluttershy?”

“’Cause you just looked so peaceful.” She purred.

“I-uh… huh?” What a rude awakening for an otherwise peaceful nap. And the interruptions only got more dramatic when Tom crashed the party. Literally.

“Careful, Twilight! You’ll ruin his beautiful finish.” Rarity hastened to console her stone, ignoring the fact that Twilight just sacrificed her own front door and a large portion of her wall to facilitate its arrival.

“Oh, for the love of…” The purple unicorn bit her lip to suppress her frustration.

“Twilight!” Spike ran over to her. “What’s going on? Why does everybody look so… gray?”

“They’re auditioning for an adult-only sadomasochism movie, but they need 45 more shades. That sounded funnier before I said it.”

“Long story.” Twilight growled. “Don’t ask. I need you to help me find something.” Unfortunately for the purple unicorn and everything in her immediate vicinity, Fluttershy figured dumping water on people’s heads was such a funny joke, it was worth telling again. So she did.

“Hey, Twilight. What’s soaking wet and clueless?”

“Fluttershy, I’ve had just about enough-”

“(Cow turds)!” I dove out of the way just as the mischievous pegasus unleashed an impromptu rainstorm.

“Your face!” She jeered, slamming the bucket over Twilight’s head.

“What’s happened to everypony?” Spike watched the whole scene with horror in his eyes.

“I guess you just bring out the worst in us, Spike.” Applejack shot.

“Ugh.” The purple pony doffed the pail violently. “No time to explain. We’ve got to find the reference guide to the Elements of Harmony before somepony does something she’ll regret!”

“The Elements of Harmony?” The dragon blinked. “Oh, I know exactly where that book is.”

“Not surprising.” I shook my head. “Guy’s probably shelved every book in the library at least a dozen times…”

“Found it!” Spike victoriously waved the object of desire, but he forgot the company he was in. For a devious little ball of malice like Fluttershy, the opportunity was only too tempting.

“Hah!” She dove through the air, plucking the large tome clean out of Spike’s grasp.

“Fluttershy… You’d better give me that book!” Twilight pawed at the floor.

“Keep away!” Fluttershy sing-songed. She tossed the large book over to Applejack who chucked it over to Pinkie Pie who launched it back up to Fluttershy. Round and around the room it flew, with Twilight scrambling after it like a cat chasing a laser. Spike and I watched in silence and then glanced at each other. In that one moment, a silent conversation took place, a warrior’s pact, the knowledge that no matter the cost, the cycle must be broken and the book retrieved. I stooped down and whispered,

“Don’t clench.” With one swift motion, I swept the little dragon off his feet and chucked him like a football. The purple missile flew through the library and plucked the pegasus right out of the air. With the circuit open, Twilight’s book fell to the floor with a thud.

“Mine!” Rarity cried, scooping up the hardcover.

“Is not!” I pounced on her as she raced by. We tumbled to the floor, hooves and feet flying in all directions.

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Rarity! Let go of the book!” Twilight joined the brawl.

“Never!”

That’s when everypony else got involved, too. Fluttershy couldn’t resist making the situation worse, Pinkie Pie wanted to force us all to shut up and Applejack? Well, Applejack was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a combination of battle royale, MMA, and dog pile as hooves kicked, fingers clawed and teeth nipped. I couldn’t see anything except for legs, dust, and grey hides. (Those girls could be nasty when they wanted to be.) I broke up the stalemate by shouting,

“Rarity! Let go of the book!”

“No!”

“If you don’t, I’m gonna spit on Tom!”

“You wouldn’t!” Rarity gasped.

“Snnrrrk!”

“Oh, you vile boorish monster!” The (formerly) white unicorn untangled her limbs and dashed off like a frightened cat. She stood between me and Tom with wide eyes and her chest heaving. Without her magic, the rest of the rat’s nest fell apart pretty quickly.

“Didn’t think that would actually work.” I swallowed my artillery as I got to my feet. The battle was over, but the war wasn’t. From across the room, hungry eyes leered at Twilight and the precious book clutched in her forehooves.

“Get back!” She snapped, “All of you! This is my book, and I’m going to read it!” Spike and I positioned ourselves around her like sentries. The little guy was wielding a scroll while I brandished the discarded mop. With a sharp kick, I snapped off its head and clutched the remaining handle like a spear.

“First idiot to come within range forfeits an eye! Do you hear me?” I snarled. “What am I saying? I’d never do that. Then again, I’m not exactly ‘me’, so I can't promise you anything!”

Growling like wolves, the rest of the ponies stepped back.

“Go ahead, Twilight.” I nodded. “Do your thing.” She opened the book but instead of pages, found herself staring into a pocket of space not unlike Mad Eye Moody’s trunk. And wouldn’t you know it? Therein lay the Elements of Harmony, gleaming with their pure light.

“The Elements!” She breathed. “They were really here all along.”

“Aren’t I clever?” To prevent myself from spoiling anything else, I quickly forced myself to think about Portal turrets singing ‘This is Aperture’.

“This is great!” Spike leaned over the book. “Now you guys can defeat Discord and put everything back to normal!”

“See, girls? We did it! We found the Elements of Harmony! Together!” As quickly as Twilight Sparkle’s ‘spark’ of hope flickered back to life, the mopey faces around her smothered it. “You don’t even care, do you?”

“No!” Well, at least they were finally unanimous.

“Mark?”

“I wonder if Jamie Hyneman actually tries to look like a walrus…” I stared out the window. “I’m sorry, I was busy saving the world. Did you say something?”

Twilight Sparkle deflated like a pierced inner tube.

“I never thought it would happen.” She lamented. “My friends… have turned into complete jerks!” In a flurry of magic and gold, she slapped each Element onto its respective pony. “Necklace! Necklace! Necklace! Necklace! And... bit crown thingy!”

“Foresha-oof!” Until that moment, I’d been doing a pretty good job of not hitting myself.

“Come on, everypony. Let’s go!” Twilight Sparkle stomped towards the (former) doorway.

“But Twilight, aren’t you missing somepony?” Spike protested.

“Nope. We’ve got the liar, the grump, the hoarder, and the brute. That just about covers it.”

“But, what about Rainbow Dash?” At the dragon’s words, Twilight paused and blinked.

“Congratulations, Spike. You’re the new Rainbow Dash.” And a large golden necklace latched itself around the dragon’s neck. “Now let’s go!”

“Me?” Spike stammered. “B-b-but, what if she finds out I’ve been impersonating her? Uhh… That won’t end well…”

“Just wait ‘till the internet finds out.” I sneered.

“Too bad. You’re Rainbow Dash. Now let’s go defeat Discord so we don’t’ ever have to talk to each other again!” That was an idea all the girls could get behind. For the first time since Canterlot, they all ran with enthusiasm back out into the twisted chaos-scape. Twilight Sparkle leered at Rarity, still hung up on her chunk of stone. She barked,

“Move! Look out! Here comes Tom!” I could practically feel TuXe drop the bass as the little magician seized the boulder with her aura and hurled it through a window with a mighty crash.

It didn’t take long for the shattered heroes to find Discord. In fact, the twisted entity of chaos was waiting for us on Twilight’s lawn. He hung in the air like an oversized grub as he greeted his opponents,

“Well, well, well, I see you’ve found the Elements of Harmony. How terrifying!”

“Discord! I’ve figured out your lame riddle.” Twilight Sparkle announced. “You’re in for it now!”

“I certainly am. You’ve clearly out-dueled me, and now it’s time to meet my fate.” The air was so thick with sarcasm that I had to chew before each breath. “I’m prepared to be defeated now, ladies. Fire when ready.”

Discord posed with a pair of thick sunglasses and a big round target over his chest. The only thing missing was a cigarette, but not even villains smoked in Equestria.

“Formation! Now!” The rebel leader stood before the chaotic king defiantly. Her allies, however, were less enthusiastic.

“Eh…” Was their battle cry.

“Rainbow Dash, get over here!” Spike moved forward as if he were wearing cement shoes. Even if he had seen the draconequus before, facing him head-on was a far cry from hiding in a library. Twilight braced her hooves against the plastic ground and huffed, “All right, let’s get this over with.”

There was a ripple through the air as she bowed her head and rallied her magic. A musical ringing pulsed around us and a restless breeze tugged at the girl’s manes. The little ponies floated up off their hooves like marionettes as Twilight Sparkle’s crown grew brighter and brighter, flaring with white radiance. When she opened her eyes, they shone with white fire. The vibrations in the air intensified and all the Elements began to resonate with each other, each one coming alive with a burst of magic aura.

It was a testament to Twilight’s magical genius that she was able to get that far and even Discord’s once-smug face flickered with the shadow of doubt as he watched the glowing ponies rise above him. But it was all in vain. The Elements had been defeated even before Twilight found them. The music died, the air became still, and the glow vanished. Five confused ponies dropped back to the earth like old fruit.

“What’s going on?” Twilight’s voice was laced with panic.

“Mine’s workin’. There must be somethin’ wrong with yours.” Applejack diagnosed.

“I hate the Elements of Harmony!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.

“Heh! Garbage.” Fluttershy flung her pale pink gem away like so much refuse. However, one mare’s trash…

“Mine!” …was Rarity’s treasure. The greedy unicorn was only too happy to snag the Element of Kindness. Spike quickly abandoned his Element as well.

“Sorry, Twilight. I guess I’d better bet back upstairs and clean up the library. Good luck with all this- whoa!” Even as he tried to awkwardly excuse himself, the little dragon wasn’t immune from one last malicious act from Fluttershy. She flicked her tail past his legs and sent the little guy sprawling on his face.

“Oops, sorry, Rainbow Crash!” She chuckled.

“Everybody do the flop!” I cheered. “Aw shi-” The next thing I knew, I was imitating a pancake. As Spike and I peeled our faces off the ground, Discord strode over to our group, a greedy light in his eyes.

“Bravo, ponies, bravo!” His mismatched hands applauded with a random assortment of canned sound bits, “Harmony in Equestria is officially dead. Discord rules, Celestia drools.” And, while those last words still hung like a bee barb in Twilight’s ears, the draconequus took his leave, chuckling to himself as he danced over soapy roads into the sunset.

“It’s your fault it didn’t work!” Pinkie shouted to the sky.

“Who are you talking to?” Twilight clarified.

“Any of you! All of you! I’m outta here!” And without a second glance, the earth pony bounced away as irate as a bouncing pony could possibly be.

“I better go, too. I’ve got new better friends waiting for me at the farm.” Applejack abandoned the sinking ship.

“Yeah! I’m sick of you losers.” Fluttershy and Rarity bid their adieu and the last threads holding the group together unraveled. In that moment, even Twilight Sparkle was glad to be rid of them.

“Fine! Leave! See if I care!” She screamed, “I don’t need you guys either! With friends like you, who needs… enemies…?”

The last light of harmony went dark. Despair’s tender embrace wrapped itself around Twilight Sparkle’s heart and she no longer had the will or the means to resist it. She stumbled under its leaden weight and fell into its cold shadow. The fire left her eyes, her ears folded back, and her royal purple coat changed to an ashy grey. I lifted a hand to my cheeks only to realize that I was crying.

But it was over. It was done. Discord had ‘won’. The heroes were utterly demolished and their hearts were laid bare. Finally, the process of rebuilding could take place. The wounds had been cleaned and were ready to begin healing. The chaff had been scraped away and it was time for the friendships to be reforged stronger and purer than ever. I stepped up beside my formerly purple friend.

“All right!” I clapped my hands together eagerly. “It’s been fun, but I think this day’s gone on long enough, wouldn’t you say? It’s high time the lord of chaos got stoned! And I’m not talking about smoking weed.”

To my surprise, Twilight Sparkle started to walk away from me.

“Hey. Twi? Twi. You still with me? Helooo?” I took a step forward, but she quickened her pace. I jogged to catch up with her, but she broke into a trot. Finally, I tried running, but the grey pony simply began to gallop. It became a chase, she charged through the ruins of Ponyville while I begged for her to stop. From where I was, I couldn’t see Twilight Sparkle’s face, but I could see the teardrops she left in her wake.

“Twilight! Please! What’s wrong?” My breathing was ragged and my heart ached. Though my lack of restraint helped me keep pace with the little horse, it had practically shredded my lungs. Twilight Sparkle finally stopped at the crest of a blue-and-purple hill. Around us, the world was falling apart like wet newspaper, but all I could see were the tears on my friend's cheeks.

“Please…” Her voice was weak, “Leave me alone…” I blinked, uncomprehending.

“Say what? You know I can’t do that.”

“Please.”

“No! There’s still a battle going on and we’re going to win it! Now get your horn out of your (plot) so we can move onto the finale. Buffalo ballerinas are only funny the first eight times you see them, and if you haven’t noticed yet, I think Discord’s getting a little more malicious as time goes on.” It was true. In the last two minutes, I’d noticed at least three separate games of ‘the floor is lava’ and one pony whose legs galloped off without her.

“Why did you follow me?” Twilight fought to steady her breathing.

“Didn’t I just answer that? The world needs you. Celestia needs you. And I’m going to be a big cheese stick and say I need you too. Now come on, your friends need your help, Twilight Sparkle.”

“They don’t need my help.” She whispered.

“BAHAHAHA!- Was that out loud? What I meant to say was, how could you say that? Or did you forget that this is all the result of a curse? You know this isn’t the real them!”

“Do I?” The unicorn spun around on me with sudden fury.

“Um…?” My eyes darted from side-to-side. “Is this a trick question?”

“I thought I knew my friends, Mark! I thought I knew you! But all it took was a little curse and all of a sudden you’re only too glad to explain how you’ve been lying about your homeland this entire time!”

“You’re still mad about that?”

“Still mad!? You lied to me!”

“No I didn’t. Yes, I did. No, I really didn’t. About most things…”

“What else have you been hiding? Hm?” Twilight Sparkle seethed like a great grey cauldron.

“Only things to keep you and the rest of this world safe!” I retorted.

“From what?” She stamped her hoof.

“I can’t tell you!” I stomped my foot.

“What’s two plus two?”

“Four! Wait, why did you ask me-”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Blue! But I occasionally go for red if it’s dark enough. Twilight, I don’t think-”

“Why did you become my friend?”

“Because I knew you wouldn’t turn me away. Stop it! This isn’t funny-”

“Why did you come to Ponyville?”

“Because I had nowhere else to go!” Then it dawned on me, she was using my knee-jerk reactions to test me, interrogate me, to finally get a straight answer out of me. I felt a moment of anger that my own friend would take advantage of my disability like that, but worse, I felt panic that she was getting dangerously close to my ‘forbidden’ secrets. I would have started howling ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ right then and there, but it was already too late. I couldn’t stop myself from answering her last question. It was only one word,

“How often do you lie to me?”

“Daily.”

Even without my inhibition, the hilltop fell into silence. Twilight Sparkle stared up at me, but I had no reaction. My mind was completely blank. I had just proved her point. Slowly, the wheels in my head started up again, but all that came out was a long-drawn-out,

“(Sugar Honey Ice Tea)…”

“I thought I knew my friends…” Twilight shook her head, eyes filling with tears again. “I thought I knew myself. But it was all a lie… Everything was a lie…” She broke away and trotted down the hill. My feet remained rooted in place.

I was alone. Truly and completely alone. What little control I thought I had over the episode vanished like mist in the dawn. Without Twilight Sparkle on my side, there was no way to rescue the other characters from the darkness. Without my friends, I was powerless to enforce a ‘happy ending’. Without their friendship, there was nothing to stand against Discord.

“We… lost?” I stared out over what used to be Ponyville. Now it was just a wasteland of chaos. Trees played tag with each other, a choir of soccer balls was singing ‘At the Gala’, and Screwball was canoeing up into the sky via a vertical river. I didn’t see any of it. All I saw was Discord’s victory, not over Equestria, but over the souls that dared to oppose him.

Score: Friendship- zilch, Discord- 1.

My feet began drifting back into the nightmarescape, but I wasn’t consciously commanding them. There was nowhere to go. I had failed my mission. I had failed my new home. For the second time that day, I had failed my friends. I realized that half of the betrayal Twilight Sparkle now suffered had been directly inflicted by yours truly. By participating in this episode, by being her friend, I had added to her grief and made this episode worse than the one I knew.

Above me, great purple bolts of lightning began to tear at the cotton candy clouds, leaving bright green scars of fire behind. With each clap of thunder, I could imagine Discord laughing at me. However, as much as I wished a whale would fall on me and end my moping, life had other plans for me. As I peered through the bouncy, swaying buildings around me, I caught a glimpse of something strange. Granted, it was hard for anything to be truly ‘strange’ in a world where waffle bull frogs hunted flies made out of butter patties (butterflies), but I still wouldn’t have expected to see a hot air balloon trying to sneak down an alley. That was a different kind of strange.

Despite a second and third glance, the mysterious object remained, a large purple orb of canvass was winding its way through the wobbly buildings. As I approached it, I realized that it was the Twinkling Balloon (the one from the opening sequence), being cautiously led through town by,

“Cherry Berry?”

“Who’s there?” The pink earth pony spun around quick as a wink, her eyes wide behind a pair of large goggles.

“It’s me, Mark.” I held up my hands pacifyingly.

“Mark? Really? Or are you another one of those jelly-filled doppelgangers?”

“No, those are back down Whistling Reed Road, chasing Rarity’s mom.”

“Really?” Cherry Berry lifted her goggles and adjusted the balloon’s tether in her mouth.

“Really.”

“Then tell me something only Mark would know.” She challenged.

“Seriously?” I laughed dryly. “You mean aside from the fact that you’re the owner of that oversized gas bag you’re toting around? Aside from the fact that you make your living ferrying ponies and their groceries up to the pegasus houses? Aside from the fact that I like renting your balloon over the weekend to explore the area around Ponyville? Aside from that touching heart-to-heart conversation you and I had about being born to fly, but earthbound?”

“All right! You’re Mark.”

“Aside from the fact that you act like a money-grubbing mercenary, but it’s really just a cover for the fact that you’re a starry-eyed filly who never grew out of her dreams of living above the clouds?” Cherry Berry stared at me with a cockeyed expression.

“Have you always been that loose-lipped with my secrets?”

“It’s a curse.” I shrugged. “No, really, Discord took away my inhibition. As of now, you’re talking to Mark and every other voice in my head.”

“So he messed you up as well.” Cherry Berry flicked her golden tail angrily. “How’s that working out?”

“Oh, it’s not so bad. Apart from the fact that I inadvertently betrayed my friends, tore their hearts out, poisoned their trust and may or may not have doomed the world, it’s peachy. At least I’m finally honest about it. And I can sing. I was just as surprised as anypony about that one.”

“I see…”

“Yeah…” We stared at each other for a moment. “So, how are you holding up? Weird day?”

“I just got eaten by a house seven times and the only reason why it stopped hunting me was because it realized I could walk out the back door. How do you think I feel?”

“Like a poop?”

“I’d say it’s been a rough day, yeah.” Cherry Berry peered at me and added, “But I think you win this round.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your eyes are still red from crying.” She pointed a hoof at my chocolate-stained cheeks.

“Oh…” I instinctively turned away.

“What happened?” Her voice was unusually soft.

“Twilight Sparkle and I got into a fight. Because of the curse, she found out that I haven’t been completely honest with her about a few things.”

“I won’t force you to explain, but I can tell you right now that you had that coming!”

“And now I don’t think our friendship is going to recover from that.” I looked back down the street to where a couple monkeys were playing curling with tortoises. “And I don’t know what we’re going to do now.”

“You’re going to snap out of it is what you’re going to do!” The edge returned to Cherry Berry’s voice. “You and that little band of friends of yours are the only thing that can stop this craziness. Or do you want to explain to the entire population of Ponyville that they’re toast? Maybe literally.”

“It’s not that simple.” I tried to explain.

“Then make it simple!” The mare stamped a hoof. “Fight!”

At her command, something sparked inside of me. For as long as I could remember, I’d been fed tales about heroes who’d overcome despair. Via movies, books, and TV shows, I’d watched a thousand heroes from a thousand stories pull themselves up from the dust. I’d seen a thousand victims become champions because they had the strength to lift their heads. A thousand average people became legends because they dared to foster a spark of hope in the darkest days. I knew I was a poor excuse for a hero, but I owed it to myself to still fight for what I believed in.

And I believed in my friends.

“Ok…” I nodded.

“Ok?” The earth pony looked up through her eyebrows.

“Ok!” I flexed my fists. “I’ll fight.”

“You’ll fight?”

“Even if it's all I'm good for, I’ll fight. Cherry Berry! Where are you going with that balloon?” I jabbed a finger at the encapsulated cloud above me.

“Anywhere but here.” She blinked at my sudden change in topic. “But I’m trying to get it to Cinnamon Street. There’s a family there trying to get to Cloudsdale.”

“Hold off on that run!” I snapped. “I’m going to need to rent your balloon.”

“What? It’s first-come-first serve. You know that.”

“I will pay you in many cold hard money to rent your balloon!” This piqued the pink pony’s attention.

“You’d have to double-”

“Tripple! Quadruple!”

“You’ll pay much, now?” Cherry Berry’s eyebrows shot straight up.

“Any money! All the money!” A manic smile spread over my face. “As many money as there is! It’s no object!”

“Careful, now.” She grinned slyly. “I just might take you up on that offer.”

“Oh, you’re a conniving, miserly little bit-biter and I love you!” I gave her a quick hug and a sharp kiss on the cheek. I didn’t even care that she was taking advantage of the situation.

“Well, if that’s what you want-”

“Just hide it in the forest. Over by Rainbow Dash’s place, preferably.” I thought for a moment. “And throw in some extra rigging for a bonus!”

“Hard to give a bonus when you’re promised me everything.” Cherry Berry muttered. “Hmm… Alright, how about this for a bonus?”

“Oh?”

“Yes. Answer truthfully. Do you have a crush on me?”

“Ew! No way!”

“Glad to hear it.” Cherry Berry tugged on her rope and carefully pulled the Twinkling Balloon down the street. She called back, “But what am I supposed to tell my other clients? They still need to escape Discord!” A wicked grin blossomed across my face.

“Don’t worry. By the end of the day, there won’t be any Discord to escape from.”

I found Twilight Sparkle moping in what used to be a park. The green rolling hills where the girls’ pets used to frolic had been transformed into piles of ice cream and/or warped checkerboards. My timing couldn’t have been any better. Discord, in all his thousand-year-old immaturity, had finally finished gloating over the little pony. He had just left her to her thoughts, letting her wander aimlessly, when I arrived. She was as physically alone as she was emotionally. But not for long,

“Twilight Sparkle!” My voice boomed over the sherbet hillsides. “I’m here to fight for our friendship!”

“Mark?” Her voice sounded distant and her eyes were clouded and glassy. “What are you doing here?”

“I just told you! And don’t try and talk me out of it because I’ve had Aviator’s ‘Never Back Down’ running in my head for the past five minutes and now I’m as jacked up as Applejack with a bottle of Jack Daniels sittin’ on a car jack!”

“Just stop.” She shook her head and continued walking. “I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Then listen.” I slid down the icy slope and stood in the mare’s path. “I’ll be the first to take the humble pie-to-the-face and admit that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lied to you and I’m sorry that I’m an obnoxious, insensitive, selfish, and manipulative jerk. But you know what? At least it can be said that I’m stubborn, and I’m not giving up on you yet.”

“But I don’t want to see you anymore. I just want to be alone.”

“No… you really don’t…” I grimaced. “Do you know how I can tell? Because I’ve been there. Ten years, Twilight. For ten years, I had no real friends. No one to talk with, joke with, or cry with. I lost all my friends during the middle school years. They moved away, or went to a different school or simply stopped talking and I, in my weakness, let them go. I never made any more friends, and you know what that resulted in? Ten years of walking through the (Buy some apples!)iest years of my life alone! I know what a life without friends feels like and I know you do too.”

“I…”

“That’s why I’m standing here, because I refuse abandon you back to that life. The life of a recluse. You can hate me, never forgive me, hold a grudge against me, I don’t care! But I will be six feet in the (freak)ing ground before I forfeit my friend to that kind of hell! Not this time. I didn’t have the courage to fight for my friendships on Earth, but I won’t make that mistake here.”

“If this is friendship, then why does it hurt so much?” Crystal rivers were flowing from Twilight’s lavender eyes. I reached out to wipe them away, but my own vision was rapidly blurring.

“You feel that ache? You feel that coldness? You feel that pain? It hurts, right? But it tells you something very important. It lets you know you’re not dead yet! The hollowness means you’ve lost something, but the longing means that you want to get it back. Yes, it’s hard, but some things are worth fighting for.”

“Mark… what could we possibly have left to fight for?” She whispered. Fire flashed like lightning in my eyes as I pulled myself up to my full height.

“A certain orange ninja once taught me that if something is precious, you protect it, with both arms. And a certain purple unicorn once taught me that there’s nothing more precious than friendship. So, I know I’m stealing a page from your book, but I’ll say it again, I’m here to fight for our friendship!” Twilight Sparkle broke eye contact with me and swept her gaze over the ruins of Ponyville.

“But everything’s gone. My home, my library, my friends. I’m losing them…” She shook her head in despair. “What will I do?...”

I wasn’t making much progress, but in that moment, a tiny Japanese fashion designer leapt out of my throat with her words of wisdom,

“What are you talking about?” My eyes narrowed.

“Hm?”

“You are Elastigirl! My god! Pull yourself together!” My friend was forced to dodge a barrage of slaps. “’What will you do?’ What is this? Is-is-is this a question!? You will show him that you remember that he is Mr. Incredible and you will remind him who YOU are! Well, you know where he is, go! Confront the problem! Fight! Win!” I towered over my friend like a fanatic tree while she shrunk back, clearly questioning my sanity. “And call me when you get back, darling, I enjoy our visits.”

“Um…”

“Come with me!” I seized Twilight by her precious horn and dragged her to her hooves.

“Ow! Hey! Mark? Hey!”

I pulled her halfway across town like that, dragging her to the library with all the grace and poise of a parent dragging their kid to the dentist’s. Only once did I break my pace and that was to smash a grocery store’s window and steal a bottle of ginger ale.

“Because I like ginger ale.” I explained. “And I’m totally not lying.”

Finally, we rounded the last street and walked right through the gaping hole in the side of the Golden Oak Library. Around us, the day shifted to a lumbering darkness.

“There’s no use talking with you, is there?” Twilight Sparkle shook herself free and ruefully rubbed her horn.

“Nope!” I stood in the former doorway and crossed my arms.

“Whatever…” The grey unicorn removed the Element of Harmony from her forehead and slowly meandered upstairs. “Pack your things, Spike, we’re leaving.”

Instead of the voice of her enthusiastic little assistant, however, a half-dead groan wafted through the library. Twilight ignored it,

“And don’t ask where we’re going, ‘cause I don’t know yet. Just not here.”

“Can’t… move.” The stomach-twisting voice came again. “The princess…. Has been sending these… since I came back upstairs!” The little dragon was writhing in his basket, clutching his gut. His face was a stunning shade of green and even as he spoke, a ball of magic fire rose up in his chest and escaped in a hearty belch. A parchment letter, sealed with Twilight Sparkle's signet, coalesced from the flames and dropped onto a veritable mountain of identical missives. Spike cried, “Make it stop!”

Finally, an emotion other than depression crossed Twilight’s face. Curious, she plucked a letter off the pile with her magic and flipped it open. Her expression deepened as she muttered,

“These are all the letters I’ve written to the princess since I’ve lived in Ponyville. But… why would she send them back?”

“Because ‘time’s ability to numb memories is the greatest enemy of a long life, and being forgotten is a fate worse than death’.” I whispered to myself. Silently, I mounted the stairs as well and watched as my friend began to read her letters.

First it was just the one, then she opened another and another. Soon, she had a stream of paper flowing before her eyes, each one igniting a memory, each one echoing with the inspiration that forged them. Before long, a rippling wave of color began to encroach upon her grey hide. Little-by-little, letter-by-letter, Twilight Sparkle’s tail gleamed purple again, then her hooves, then her neck, and finally her eyes.

“… Everypony has a special magical connection with her friends. Maybe even before she’s met them… Spike! Spike, it’s all so clear!” The purple unicorn dropped her letter as a massive grin lit up her cheeks. “Can’t you see? Discord’s trying to distract us from what’s important. He knows how powerful our friendships are, and she’s trying to keep us from seeing it. Do you remember what I said the first day we arrived in Ponyville? I told you that the future of Equestria didn’t rest on me making friends, but the opposite it true! The friendships I’ve made since I’ve been here are what saved Equestria from Nightmare Moon, and now they need to save it from Discord!” She swept the little dragon up out of his bed and spun him around and around.

“Uuuhhh…” Spike’s eyes drifted in separate directions.

“You’re right, Spike. I’ve got to fight for my friendships. For them. For me. For Equestria!” She glanced over to where I was watching her, salty waterfalls cascading down my face. “Oh, Mark…”

“Ah, gawd!” I bawled, “Is my face leaking again?” I blew saline snot into my sleeve, my whole existence little more than an emotional train wreck of joy. And yet, Twilight didn’t seem to care.

“Thank you...” She held Spike and I in her forelegs. I held her back, feeling as if my heart would burst from the emotions welling up inside, but unwilling to let go. The sound of Spike gurgling brought me out of the moment, however.

“Um, Twilight? I think Spike needs to rest now. Unless you want to shampoo vomit out of your mane.”

“Oh… uh… Why don’t you just stay here and rest?” Twilight tucked the little dragon back into his bed before turning back towards the door. “Mark and I’ll take care of the whole fighting for friendship thing ourselves.”

“Oh! And here’s a totally-random and completely-spontaneous thing I just thought of.” I popped open the bottle of ginger ale with a hiss. “Take this, buddy. It’ll help you feel better. You did good today.”

With that, Twilight Sparkle and I trotted back out of the library. The night fell away and a blinding pink landscape lay before us. Yet somehow, the world of chaos didn’t look quite as imposing as when I viewed it alone.

“Do you have a plan?” I asked my friend.

“Find my friends, find the Elements, beat Discord!”

“Now that sounds like a plan. Where should we start?”

“No idea!” She declared. “But I’m as jacked up as Applejack with a bottle of something-jack, something, something jack! Even if I don’t know what that means!”

“Fair enough. Follow me!” I began running towards a patch of chaos formerly referred to as Sweet Apple Acres. “In order to get your friends back, we’re going to need muscle and rope. Both of which can be found in Applejack, but she’s currently occupied spinning tall tales and un-eating apples.”

“She’s what?”

“You’ll see. Have you got a way to cut through Discord’s curse? Somehow share the same epiphany you just had in the library?”

“I think so.” Twilight frowned. “I’ve got an idea, but I’ll need to actually touch her.”

“Fair enough. At least Applejerk isn’t violent.”

Ground zero for Discord’s weirdness was looking just as strange as I remembered from the show. Complete with apples the size of beach balls, herds of flying pigs and entire fields of popcorn, I only wished that I could have seen the look on AJ’s face when the chaos hit. Big Macintosh was digging holes in the ground like some oversized dog while Granny Smith was caught tap-dancing incessantly. A part of me was glad that Applebloom didn’t have to see her family in that condition. True to my ‘prediction’, the Element of Honesty herself was leaning up against the barn house, diligently biting, chewing, and swallowing a pile of apples. Not necessarily in that order, mind you.

“Applejack!” Twilight Sparkle called out. “I’m here to fight for our friendship!” The little unicorn’s bold announcement might have been more inspiring if Big Mac hadn’t burst out of the ground at her hooves and slobbered her with a giant dog kiss.

“Hey, Big Mac. How're you- OH MY HOLY HELL DUCKIN-GEE-HILACIOUS MUSHROOM BALLS WITH WHAT-IN-TARTARUS SAUCE! Twilight! I just had a Fullmetal Alchemist moment!”

“What? What’s that mean?” My friend looked at me with panic.

“It means whatever you do, don’t try and find Winona.” Big Mac wagged his tail expectantly.

“Oh, now you want to fight.” Applejerk glowered at Twilight. “Where were you when I was battlin’ Discord?”

“… Seriously?” I looked down at Twilight Sparkle as she glanced up at me. Together, we nodded and quickly pinned Applejack to the ground.

“Snap out of it. This isn’t you! You’re not a liar.” A burst of inspiration lit up the unicorn’s horn as she gently touched its point to her friend’s forehead. Even as I watched, Applejack’s expression went from defiant, to confused, to remorseful as the curse was pierced and a flood of the earth pony’s own memories burst free. The veil of grey that had consumed her burnt away, leaving a bright orange and slightly dazed girl in its wake.

“Wh-what happened?” Applejack sat up, shaking her head. Twilight was rubbing her horn as well, but didn’t look harmed in any way. Meanwhile, I was rubbing tears from my eyes.

“I’m not crying! There’s a ninja nearby cutting up onions!” I sniffed.

“Twilight!” The earth pony pulled her hat off her head and hid her face behind it. “I saw a vision of us feudin’ and fightin’. I couldn’t face the truth, so I started tellin’ lies. Can you ever forgive me?”

“That’s not fair! How could we possibly say no when she looks that cute?” I wailed. Twilight Sparkle touched my elbow reassuringly and stepped towards her friend.

“I already have. Come on!”

“We’re on a mission from God!” I declared, suddenly wishing I had a black Trilby, a pair of sunglasses and a piece of toasted white bread.

“Where are we goin’?” Applejack queried.

“Fluttershy’s house is closest. AJ, bring your rope!”

It wasn’t long before we left the freak farm and found ourselves at the door of the nuthouse. Fluttershy’s cottage was almost unrecognizable without all the animals in it. Bracing ourselves for a severe tongue-thrashing, violent practical joke, or both, I knocked on the little house.

“Oh… way to make me regret answering the door.” Fluttershy wrinkled her nose when she caught sight of us. The pegasus tried to slam the entrance, but I stopped it with my foot.

“Well, hi there! Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior of the Pony franchise, Lauren Faust?” I flashed a broad grin.

“What do you guys want?”

“We’re looking for Fluttershy.” I explained.

“You use those eyes for decoration or something? I’m right here.” The grey pony leered at my foot.

“Oh, no, see, I think you misunderstood. I said ‘Fluttershy’, not ‘Flutter(beech)’.” Me and my big mouth. What took up all of three seconds in-episode was prolonged into a thirty-second wrestling match. Somehow, Applejack and I got the pegasus trussed up like a turkey and Twilight could work in relative peace. As soon as her creamy yellow color returned, Fluttershy cried,

“Oh no! Twilight, Applejack, I just had the worst dream!”

“Yeah… sure… we’ll go with that story…” I griped, tenderly nursing a new black eye. It was still impossible to tell if she, or Applejack, were aware of what their alternate selves had done.

Next up was Rarity. The silly girl had holed herself up in her boutique with her titanic boulder like Gollum with his precious ring. One smashed window and a game of ‘king of the hill’ later and she was right as rain. Well, perhaps she was still a little shaken up from losing her heart to a chunk of earth, but she recovered her dignity remarkably quickly.

“Let us never speak of this again.” That was all she said after quietly removing Tom from her boutique and unceremoniously rolling him down a hill. Another ‘rocky’ relationship was over and done with. (Still a better love story than Twilight.)

Pinkie Pie was remarkably easy to redeem. The hard part was getting her to stop laughing about it afterwards. Applejack had to load her onto a cart because the Pink Pony couldn’t walk without falling over from the snickers.

Then came Rainbow Dash’s turn.

“Uh? She’s not here.” Fluttershy reported as she glided back to the group. We all stood in a little huddle beneath Rainbow Dash’s floating sky house. The landscape around us was mostly untouched by Discord’s chaos, but nopony was in the mood to enjoy it just yet.

“Without Rainbow Dash, we can’t use the Elements.” Twilight fretted.

“She could be anywhere by now!” Applejack scanned the endless sky. “We’re never gonna find her…”

“Yeah we will. ‘Cause she’s right there!” Pinkie Pie jabbed a hoof at a tiny spot of shadow hovering above a grove of trees. A little spit of cloud, barely large enough to be a Marlboro sigh, sat motionless against the sky and on it lay Rainbow Dash herself.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight hollered.

“Hey, guys.” The wayward pegasus waved a dismissive hoof.

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“… That’s nice…”

“Discord’s still on the loose!” The unicorn pressed, “We need you to help us defeat him with your element, Loyalty!”

“Pfft! Loyalty, schmoyalty!” Rainbow Dash twisted around to look at us. “Have you guys seen Ponyville? It’s a disaster! I’m staying here in Cloudsdale where everything’s awesome.”

“It’s not enough that she’s not gonna budge from there, but now I’ve got that song from The Lego Movie stuck in my head.” An annoyed sigh escaped me.

“How in Equestria can she think that tiny patch of cloud is Cloudsdale?” Rarity critiqued. Applejack didn’t miss a beat,

“The same way he got you to think that cheap rock was a bona fide diamond?”

“I thought we agreed never to speak of that again...” The white unicorn lowered her voice.

“But… How do we convince her to come down?” Fluttershy asked.

“Hey, guys, look what I found!” Pinkie Pie leapt out of a nearby patch of trees. She held a thick rope in her mouth and was dragging none other than the Twinkling Balloon behind her. It bobbed lazily in the sunlight.

“Pinkie? Where did you get that?” Applejack looked up at the aircraft in surprise.

“Well, I was just minding my own business when all of a sudden I saw a giant purple thing behind the trees and I thought, ‘Oh my gosh! It’s another dinosaur!’ but then I thought, ‘He could use a hug.’ but then I saw that it was a balloon and I thought, ‘Maybe somepony left a pudding in there and it needs to be eaten right away.’, but when I looked, there was only a bunch of rope and so I thought, ‘Oh well, no pudding.’, and started walking back when I got this crazy-super-lucky-awesome-amazi-tastical idea like, ‘Hey! We could use a balloon to reach Rainbow Dash.’, and so I went and untied it and came back and said, ‘Hey, guys, look what I found!’ and then Applejack said, ‘Pinkie? Where did you get that?’ and so I said,-”

“Thank you, Pinkie!” I cut her off. “This looks like just what we need.”

“Time for ‘Plan B’.” Twilight Sparkle smiled back up at Rainbow Dash.

“Seems pretty convenient…” Rarity looked up at the balloon with a leery expression.

“It’s Pinkie logic. Don’t question it.” I shrugged.

“Granted.” The white unicorn trotted over to the rest of the group as Twilight began to outline her plan to recover Rainbow Dash. I was about to join them when Pinkie Pie tapped my arm and said,

“I also found this letter for you, Mark. Not sure what it’s for.”

“A letter?” I took the proffered envelope and turned it over. Sure enough, it had my name on the front. I ripped it open only to find myself staring at a massive bill written in Cherry Berry’s penmanship.

“What does it say?” Pinkie Pie popped up behind my shoulder.

“Nothing!” I shoved the document and its envelope into my mouth. I hastily muttered, “All your talk about pudding made me hungry…”

“Can’t blame you for that, but nopony eats paper. Well, I’m trying to quit…” The pink pony pranced away. “Tra-la-la-la-laa…”

“Okay, Fluttershy,” Twilight Sparkle looked up at the balloon, “you grab Rainbow Dash and hold her down. Applejack will lower me down from the rope so I can cast the memory spell on her.”

“Got it!” Fluttershy nodded.

“Uhh… I don’t like it.” I piped up. “We’re relying on the gentlest pony in town to physically restrain the most athletic mare in Equestria?”

“Do you have a better idea?” Twilight asked. I had to admit that I didn’t, but my mind instantly began to search for alternatives. Even though everything turned out fine in the episode, Rainbow Dash’s rescue was an admittedly illogical scene. Even with two ponies dragging her down, I found it hard to believe that Rainbow Dash could be outflown by Fluttershy dragging a balloon. I was still turning things over in my head as everypony boarded the Twinkling Balloon and quietly rose into the sky.

“Ba! Ha-baba. Ha-babeda-gabda. Ha-baba-bad-bdaga…” I sat in the floor of the basket, mindlessly playing with a length of cord and imitating a dachshund flying a plane. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle waited with bated breath as Fluttershy guided our craft slowly and silently towards Rainbow Dash’s private cloud. Applejack stood on the top of the balloon, once more reinforcing my theory that these aircraft weren’t using the same technology as their Earth counterparts. Only Pinkie Pie was paying any mind to my ramblings.

“He’s so funny. Can we keep him?” She giggled.

“… only this time, it’s like Rainbow Dash is the pony of wisdom and Twilight’s the one making barking sounds, but I’m making barking sounds, so that doesn’t work either. That was one of those videos where I finished it and I was like, ‘the heck did I just watch?’. Kind of like a smaller version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where I finished it and I was like, ‘the heck did I just read?’. But when I alluded to my opinion in a FIMfic that I wrote, everybody was all, ‘er mah gursh, you can’t diss on Hitchhikers’, and I was like, ‘why not?’, but later I re-read a section of the book over my co-worker’s shoulder one day and started busting up, and that’s when I realized that it was meant to be a collection of shorter funny scenes and that you weren’t supposed to take the plot seriously…”

“I completely agree…” Pinkie Pie shook her head, smiling.

“… but Borderlands was so off-the-wall I just didn’t care. Shoot a guy with a four-barreled shotgun? Why not! Drive a car that throws flaming sawblades? Sure! But the mecromancer was totally O. P., and her ‘Discord’ skill practically broke the game. But in a good way, not like our Discord who’s O. P. in a bad way. I don’t ship, but is it weird that if I did, I’d ship Dislestia? They’re just so cute! But, I mean cute like-gmph! Mmhmmph m-fmph-pmph!” Pinkie Pie pressed a hoof to my lips to keep me from talking. Our balloon was now right above Rainbow Dash and Operation: Loyalty was in full-swing. A very bad thought hit me and I scooped up one of Applejack’s spare lassoes.

“Hmm, phmph-fumphuu? Phmph-fumphuu?” I pulled away the pink pony’s hoof. “Hey, Twilight?”

“Hmm?” Twilight Sparkle didn’t take her eyes off Rainbow Dash.

“I just realized that I shouldn’t be flying in my condition.”

“Why?”

I leapt over the edge of the basket.

“Because I’m adding some ‘Plan Z’ to your ‘Plan B’.”

“Mark!” Rarity squeaked.

My stomach rose into my throat as my body entered free fall and the air pulled at my shirt like a thousand invisible hands, but I felt no fear. Instead, my mind became incredibly clear and the world around me seemed to slow as my brain shot into overdrive. My fingers tightened on my lasso as I fell towards the grey pegasus like a falcon.

“Hi,RainbowDash!Bye,RainbowDash!” I didn’t even have to aim. I simply held the rope out as I fell past her.

“Zzz-huh?” The pegasus opened her eyes just as the rope snapped shut around her body. With a stifled cry of surprise, she fell through her cloud, completely shattering the faux city.

Together, the two of us fell like a pair of comets. I fastened my end of the rope around my arm while Rainbow Dash spun in wild circles above me like a kit caught in a tornado. My lasso had clamped firmly around her waist, but had also pinned one grey wing to her side. The unforgiving world of Equestria was rapidly rising up to meet us as Rainbow Dash kicked and struggled to free her feathery limb.

Finally, just as I reached the uppermost boughs of the trees, my ‘parachute’ snapped both wings open. The sudden deceleration almost ripped my arm out of its socket and tore a long burn across my skin, but I didn’t let go. I held on as stubbornly as an anchor while the irate Rainbow Dash tried to climb back into the sky. For the first time since my arrival, I was glad I was larger than my friends. Try as she might, Rainbow Dash couldn’t lift me back upwards, but she could sure try and scrape me off in the trees. She wove back and forth, swinging me like George of the Jungle through a group of tall pines.

Not having inhibitions came with its perks. I wouldn’t say that jumping out of a balloon was one of them, but the ability to shrug off pain was. I snapped through two branches before finally stopping on a third. I doubled over the piece of living wood, fairly certain that I had a broken rib or two, but smiling with a grim excitement.

“It’s over!” I roared, looping the rope around the branch.

“Let me go!” She hollered. “You’re destroying Cloudsdale!”

“And you’re destroying Ponyville!” I retorted. “Don’t you think that’s a fair trade?”

Apparently not. Rainbow Dash turned in the air and shot straight towards me. She knocked me off my perch and would have thrown me all the way down to the ground if I hadn’t caught her in a guillotine choke. Together, we slowly fell lower and lower until we finally touched grass. My face felt swollen from all the cuts she gave me and I tasted iron in my mouth, but I maintained my hold on Rainbow’s neck.

“Get! Off!” With one final kick, the pegasus shattered my hold and pulled free. Steam poured from her nostrils as she glared at me. I tried to move, but my body felt sluggish. I was reaching the end of what I was physically capable of. Dash, on the other hand, was fresh enough to fight three more rounds. Suddenly, a loop of rope sailed through the air and caught the unsuspecting pegasus around her neck.

“Got ‘er!” Applejack cheered. Above us, Fluttershy was dragging the Twinkling Balloon down to earth as fast as her little wings could flap. Rainbow Dash turned her rage onto the orange earth pony and charged at her like a missile.

“Nope!” I dove forward and gripped the lasso that still hung from the pegasus’s waist. I gurgled, “Rainbow Douche, you’re under arrest!”

Within a few seconds, and with the aid of two more ropes, Rainbow Dash was nothing more than a raging, bucking horse strung up under more security than Phogoth from Destiny.

“Let me go!” She screamed. “I don’t need you guys! Leave me alone!”

Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, took a deep breath, and bowed her head. Her radiant purple horn alighted on Dash’s sweaty brow and buried them in a vibrant bath of magic. The shadows fell away from the pegasus’s hide and Rainbow Dash once more claimed the title of ‘most color-diverse pony’. She wobbled on her hooves and muttered,

“Wh-what happened?” All of a sudden, her eyes became sober and sharp. “How’s Ponyville? Where are the Elements!? Did we stop Discord?”

Everypony breathed a sigh of relief as they buried their bewildered buddy under a blanket of bear hugs.

“Nice to have you back, Dash.” I smiled.

“Back? Where did I go? And did you lose a fight with a blender or something?” Rainbow Dash’s pink eyes swept over my face and limbs.

“More like a tornado.” I tried to laugh, but a sharp pain stabbed my chest like a knife. “Ow! Bucky-balls! That smarts!”

“Hold on! Don’t move.” Twilight pointed her aura at me like a flashlight. Her spell closed my cuts and (apparently) set my rib back in place, but I still felt swollen everywhere. “How could you have been so reckless?”

“It takes a special kind of bonehead to do what you just did, Mark.” Applejack tipped her hat to me. “But I guess I can’t complain if you're our special bonehead. We’re safe now.”

“Everybody loves a bad idea when it works.” I stretched my arms. “But I wouldn’t say we’re safe quite yet…”

I gestured behind me to a line of tutu-clad bison. The girls watched the creatures prance past with wide eyes.

“Maybe it’s a little early for a group hug.” Twilight agreed.

With our spirits rallied and the Elements of Harmony reassembled, our fellowship pressed into the heart of Discord’s chaos storm. Ponyville was all but gone, with only the random floating building or twisted landmark to serve as a semblance of what had been. We were officially in the belly of the chaos capital of the world, a place where illusion had more merit than reality, fact was a matter of opinion, and space-time was as splotchy as a paintball arena. The closer we pressed towards Discord’s throne, the more twisted the world became.

What I first took to be large floating panes of glass proved to be fragments in Equestria’s dimensional fabric. The simple act of walking straight proved impossible, as space warped like water, sending us left, then right, upside-down and back upon ourselves. Pinkie Pie took advantage of the fractured world to play tag between her front half and her back half while I found myself walking around both sides of a tree at once. Above everything, the churning cotton candy storm flickered with blue fire, dropping embers like snow. Discord was getting bored with his napkin doves and lollipop flowers and would soon be moving onto more malicious forms of entertainment.

Finally, at the eye of the storm, we found the spirit of chaos and disharmony sitting in his imposing throne. Discord laughed throatily as the world around him crumbled like old cheese. Shards of reality popped like glass above him and gravity itself was as aimless as jellyfish. We had walked in on a banquet of self-satisfaction thousands of years in the making and Discord was enjoying every crumb of it.

“Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing.” He gloated, manifesting a glass cup and filling it, (top to bottom) with chocolate milk rain. Just as he was about to toast himself, though, Twilight’s voice cut through the churning air,

“Not as wonderful as friendship!”

Discord’s yellow eyes snapped open as he looked down at his unexpected guests. Six girls, their eyes alight with defiance, stood in his court, each one wearing a blazing Element. Behind them, a grim human stood flexing its fists and humming ‘One Winged Angel’.

“Oh, this again?” The lord of chaos scoffed. Discord nonchalantly finished drinking his glass and threw away the remaining cylinder of milk, which exploded a la Michael Bay. He glanced down at the ponies with an easy smile on his lips, “Now, I’ve never claimed to have a photographic memory, but I’m fairly certain I’ve seen this one before.”

The draconequus framed one eye with his claws and made a clicking sound. His pupil flashed and a polaroid picture slid out of his mouth. As it fluttered to the ground, I saw that it was a picture of Twilight Sparkle shouting at her friends in front of the Golden Oak Library. The moment Harmony was vanquished.

“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” I retorted. “This time, we don’t have to deal with your false personas. Despite everything you’ve thrown at us, we still beat you at your little game!”

“That’s right.” Applejack stomped. “You couldn’t break apart our friendship for long.”

“Oh, Applejack, don’t lie to me.” Discord lifted a claw and immediately, the orange pony fell upwards. “I’m the one who made you a liar. False persona? I set you all free.” Soon, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and even myself were lifted into the air and gathered like a bunch of orbiting fireflies above Discord’s open palm. His great yellow eyes peered at us accusingly.

“I thought you liked hiding behind your words Applejack.” He continued. “Rarity, Fluttershy, what was it like thinking for yourself for a change? Pinkie Pie, you and I both know that the world isn’t a funny place. Rainbow Dash, why fight for others when you’re so much better without them dragging you down?”

“Shut up!” I bellowed. “You lie!”

“And you.” The great amber orbs turned on me like a pair of black holes. “As I recall, you actually enjoyed coming clean with Twilight Sparkle. What’s the matter? Secrets rotting your bones? Yet, you still refuse to admit who you really are. All of you. Will you ever learn?”

There was a sudden burst of purple light and Twilight popped into existance amidst us. With a wave of her horn, a glimmering shell of light encapsulated us, cutting off Discord’s invisible grip. The lord of chaos watched with mild irritation as Twilight Sparkle gently carried us back to the relative stability of the ground. Where her hooves alighted, however, a patch of green grass appeared.

“I’ll tell you what we’ve learned, Discord.” The purple unicorn spoke up. “We’re learned that friendship isn’t always easy. But there’s no doubt it’s worth fighting for.”

“Eug! Gag!” Discord rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue with all the maturity of a toddler. “Fine, go ahead. Try and use your little Elements. ‘Friend’ me. Just make it quick!” He gestured up at the boiling sky and the flocks of octopuses therein. “I’m missing some excellent chaos here.”

“All right, ladies. Let’s show him what friendship can do!” Twilight smiled confidently.

“Hold onto your butts.” A shiver of excitement ran down my spine.

“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Pinkie Pie brought our emotional momentum to a screeching halt. Everyone glanced over to see the pink pony basking in the downpour of a wayward cotton candy cloud. She noisily slurped the air with a satisfied grin.

“Ready to kick off this rodeo?” Applejack asked dryly.

In reply, Pinkie pounced into place beside her pals, lowered her legs and leveled a leer at Discord.

Twilight Sparkle ignited the Elements and a twinkling noise thickened the atmosphere. White magic billowed from the group of ponies, pressing back against the damage that Discord had done to the world. Perhaps the lord of chaos thought that the girls were merely bluffing. Perhaps he thought that his curse was still in effect. Perhaps he thought that he had introduced enough doubt and hurt between the girls that they would never be able to truly trust each other again. Or perhaps… Discord was really and truly wrong for the first time in his life.

Each Element puled with new life, each one flickering with the heartbeat of their wielders. Sparks of harmony coursed through the air, shooting towards the chaos throne like electricity down a wire. Slowly, their tempos began to match, slowly, their magic rose until it could be felt in the very ground, slowly, the ponies rose into the air.

“Huh. What’s this?” Discord’s eyes snapped open at the phenomina. He peered at Twilight Sparkle as her eyes filled with radiant starlight. He watched as their hearts became one unstoppable force. He watched as his hard-won victory slipped from between his claws. “No…” He gasped, his lithe body becoming ridged. “No!”

A pillar of flaming rainbow light burst up from the six girls like a fountain. It curved through the sky on an attack vector and crashed down upon the lord of chaos. His cries of defiance and fear were drowned out as the light of harmony swallowed him, sealing away his chaos and converting his twisted body to stone. Without his magic permeating the world, the Elements of Harmony were let loose upon the broken land. The ground rolled, the sky bowed, and mountains of ice cream boiled as a wave of healing light rushed through Equestria.

We were standing on grass.

“Phew…” I patted myself down. All my bruises had vanished and the girl’s coats were glossy and clean. The air smelled fresh and the horizon was back in its natural place. “Clean, fun, and makes you feel lucky to be alive, Harmony’s better than crack! Not that I would know from first-hand experience, of course…” Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a dull thud. The statue of Discord fell helplessly to the grass with a familiar looking mask beside it.

“Thanks for all your help today, Mark.” The purple unicorn tenderly picked up my face and looked at it thoughtfully. “Even after everything we went through, after what I said to you, you still came through for us. You’re a hero.”

“Ha!” I scoffed. “You all are the heroes. I merely gave you an opening.”

“But it’s over now.” Twilight smiled up at me. “You must be exhausted after today, huh? Ready to go back to normal?”

I was, but perhaps I was too ready. In that moment, I let my guard down. I slipped,

“If you thought today was hard, then we’re not going to survive the season 4 finale.”

Twilight Sparkle slapped the mask back onto my face. There was a tingling sensation as it vanished, like rubbing alcohol, and then I was myself again. In a second, the world became more subdued, my eyes stopped darting around, and my fingers stopped twitching. I took a deep breath, relieved that my inner thoughts were once again back where they belonged.

Not long after that, Celestia took the opportunity to formally honor the girls for their heroism. All of Canterlot and most of Ponyville crowded into the castle as the princess of the sun formally introduced the citizens of Equestria to their six protectors. Celestia’s speech was short and concise, but full of pride in the girls, and at the end of it all, a new stained-glass window was unveiled, reciting the moment when Discord’s campaign of chaos was brought to a sudden, and rocky, end.

After the ceremony and the obligatory congratulations, Twilight Sparkle met me in the royal gardens. She found me staring up at the newest addition to the palace’s collection of statues, a long-bodied creature with mismatched limbs and a face covered in shock and incredulity.

“Hey…” She greeted.

“Hey.” I didn’t take my eyes off the statue. We stood for a moment in silence, looking up at the petrified draconequus. Finally, I offered, “That was a nice ceremony just now. Even Brave n’ Sure was there. Perhaps I should have introduced him to the princess or something. I think he deserves to be knighted.”

“Yeah…” Twilight sighed. “It felt a little weird, though, standing in front of all those ponies, and getting a window made of us…”

“You already had a window made of you.”

“Yes, but this time feels… different. Like, all those ponies think we’re their guardians now.”

“… Nervous?” I glanced down at Twilight.

“A little.”

“That’s good.”

“How?”

“It means you care. And don’t worry about all those important ponies suddenly taking an unhealthy interest in you. If there’s one thing Celestia is good at, it’s protecting you, and she’s very skilled at keeping unwanted attention away from her heroes.”

“Things aren’t going to be the same anymore are they?”

“No, they aren’t. And at the same time, nothing will change. You’re still you, your friends are still your friends, and that will never change as long as you stay true to who you are.”

“But are we ready for a responsibility like this?” Twilight laid her ears back nervously. The purple unicorn’s humility was inspiring, precious, even. Episode-by-episode, she was slowly growing into a princess. I patted her head and smiled.

“Celestia thinks so.” I consoled. “She knows there’s a time and a place for everything, and today was your day.”

“Kind of like your secrets?” Twilight Sparkle glanced up at me with shame in her eyes. “I wanted to say I’m sorry for using your curse against you like that.”

“It was going to come out eventually.” A shadow passed over my face. “I never wanted to lie to you about my home world, but can you see why I waited until we were friends to tell you?”

Twilight nodded.

“I think Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are going to want to talk to you about that. And, of course, myself, because if you’re really from another planet then you’d be the first phenomena of your kind! I mean, you’d confirm at least three different theses on trans-Equestrian life and debunk a half-dozen more!” She saw me thoughtfully chewing my tongue. “I mean… that is, if you want to talk about it. That is, if your loyalty to your home world requires secrecy, then-”

“My loyalty is to my friends.” I said flatly. “More than an ethnicity, nationality, or even species, this is as much my home as the world I left. I’d be glad to share whatever I can about Earth.”

“But… do you have any other terrifying secrets that you’d still like to keep secret?” Twilight laughed. My answer, in contrast, was as cold as steel.

“… Two.” I held up a pair of fingers.

“Oh…” My friend became sober once more.

“And this isn’t like the whole ‘carnivore’ scenario. I hate having to keep these things from you, Twilight, but you have to trust me when I say that you’re not ready yet. Just like your ceremony today, Celestia wouldn’t lay a burden on you unless she knew you had grown enough to carry it.”

“After all you’ve done for us, trusting you is the least I could do.” Twilight put a hoof on my hand. “And, for the record, I still feel bad about the ‘carnivore’ thing, but it made a good point. If you’re hurting yourself with these secrets, just know that you can always trust us to be there for you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” I tried to be supportive, but I’m afraid my tone may have been more on the dismissive side. How could I ever tell a friend that I’ve bled and cried with that she’s just a cartoon character? How could I ever reveal that there’s no reason Tirek should have let her live at the end of Season 4? I was weary from carrying these thoughts, like iron chains, around with me, but I had to carry them a bit longer. This world wasn’t ready for that information yet and may never be until the credits rolled.

“Come on.” Twilight pulled at my arm. “Let’s go home.”

“Sure.” I turned away from Discord’s statue, but not before the stony villain put in his two cents. A sound pulled at the back of my mind, a soft, measured laugh that pierced clean through my heart. It was so assured, so confident so irrefutable, and so perfectly cast for the moment that it almost didn’t even need to be there at all. A 9.5.

In that moment, all I knew was that he knew I knew this wasn’t over. Season 2 had begun, and from this point forward came some of the most dastardly and overwhelming foes the world had ever seen. And if Discord had taught me anything, it was how powerless I was to stop them.

I didn’t sleep well that night.

Author's Note

So... How about that Season 5 finale, huh?
How's that hiatus treating you, huh?
I know it's not much, but I hope that my story can help ease the wait until season 6. This last year tied up so many things, I can't help but feel excited and nervous for the future of the show.

In other news, I'm home for the holidays! At first, I thought that would mean that I'd have lots of uninterrupted time to work on 'Equestria's Mark', but I didn't take into account the rest of my family. They all (especially my mom) have an insatiable and invasive curiosity when it comes to my writing and half of them abhor My Little Pony. So... Fun!

Ch 12: Lesson First

Chapter 12
Lesson First

Even a cloudless day can appear dark when viewed through troubled eyes.

Outside the window, the whitewashed buildings of Ponyville rested like sheep upon lumbering emerald hills. The birds sang minuets to each other while the river giggled merrily and the cheerful sounds of ponies going about their casual lives floated through the air. All of this played out like a music box dancer beneath the warm rays of the flushed sun. Yet even the scene’s radiant watercolor palate was strangely dim in my eyes.

“It all seems so… normal…” I whispered to myself. “You’d never know that just a week ago, Ponyville was all soapy roads and splintered skies.”

For a moment, I was glad to be alone in Twilight Sparkle’s kitchen. There was no one to hear my monologue or the strange tone that laced it. I should have been happy for Ponyville, for the grinning ponies outside, for their resiliency in the face of adversity, for their ability to pick themselves up and move on with their lives, but I couldn’t help but feel…

“Annoyed? Exasperated? Resentful?... Envious?...” Was there a word to describe how I felt? How could the little ponies trot about so carefree while I felt like Damocles trapped beneath a hanging sword? How could they smile when another villain could pop up at any moment? How was it nopony was worrying about tomorrow? Was it because I was the only one who knew what ‘tomorrow’ had in store for them?

“Or… is something else bothering you?” I asked myself. To answer that, I had to reflect on the past few days.

The week had been a whirlwind experience. After Discord’s fall, there was the victory ceremony, the celebrations, the adjustment to having nationally-recognized heroes in Ponyville, and the wave of fame that it all entailed. Eventually, though, even the newspaper articles and gossip ponies ran out of things to say about the ‘event’, and the quiet little town had finally returned to normal. The nightmare of chaos had been left in the past like a bad dream and now ‘Discord’ was nothing more than the name of Celestia’s newest statue. Nothing had really changed. Except, really, the fact that I was now a registered extraterrestrial living in Equestria.

Celestia’s reaction to that particular revelation surprised me. I had prepped myself for a grilling interrogation, hasty imprisonment, and/or a thorough prodding by countless xenobiologists, but the princess had dispelled all of that in an instant. Instead, she had made it perfectly clear that, as far as she and her sister were concerned, my status in their kingdom had not changed in the slightest. I was still the sole representative of a nonaggressive species and, as an honorable ambassador thereof, would not be forced to answer any questions or volunteer any information I did not want to. It was a political maneuver on her part, of course, showing that she trusted me enough to trust them back by explaining where I had come from and how I had entered their world.

Well, I had nothing to hide, and I gladly shared what I knew with the two princesses via a couple private interviews. Yet, even after explaining all I could about Earth and my own bizarre adventure, they had no new insight for me into how I had come to Equestria or how I might return home. (Though there was no shortage of glances exchanged between the two during our talks.)

Celestia’s tact, however, hadn’t stemmed the enthusiasm of her prized student. Earth and its various facets thereof had commanded almost every conversation between Twilight Sparkle and myself since Discord was re-petrified. The purple unicorn’s hunger for knowledge about my home world was so voracious that I could barely string two sentences together without her peppering me with questions. Of course, Twilight tried to copy and document all our conversations, but one might as well have tried to act as the stenographer for a Japanese parliament argument. Needless to say, a lot of my free time was spent correcting her work.

As of that morning, I was taking a break from my ‘homework’ to craft a fruit salad for a picnic the girls had planned that day. Twilight Sparkle and Spike had run off that morning with a laundry list of errands longer than a Chinese dragon and hadn’t been seen for over an hour. On the table behind me lay a pile of papers and a couple half-hearted sketches of a computer. I imagine everyone has entertained the idea of going back in time and trying to explain things like ‘cars’ and ‘television’ to alien cultures, but before that week, I’d never considered how one would describe something like the ‘internet’. (As far as Twilight Sparkle knew, it was some kind of invisible library that one could access via rectangular black windows.)

That hour was actually the first time all week I’d had some time to myself, but now that I found myself alone, I realized that I didn’t much care for the company. The empty room was filled with the whispers of my own thoughts.

“So? What’s eating you?” I asked myself again.

“Nothing. I’m at the top of the food chain.”

“Oh, har, har, Timon. But seriously, what have you got on your mind?”

“Apparently, a second voice that talks to me at the worst possible times.”

“Aw, come on. You know you love me.” I gripped both sides of the sink and leered out the window. My eyes swept over the sunlit fields. Strange how none of that light seemed to make it into the library. I muttered,

“This is about Discord, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“You’re really going to let him get to you? That’s kind of like letting him win, even though he’s defeated.”

“In my opinion, he did win.” I huffed. “I’m not talking about taking over Equestria. No, we stopped him there. But our argument about how I’m always lying to myself, how I’m always wearing a mask, how I don’t belong here,”

“Now hold on-”

“He made some good points. When he took off my ‘mask’, I’m not really sure I recognized the creature that came to light. And I let my friends down. Discord was right all along.”

I took a deep breath and looked down at my fruit salad. I’d been standing at the sink for over twenty minutes, but all I had to show for my work was one skinned apple. One and a half if you counted the one still in my hand. I groaned,

“I need help.”

“Is this something you could talk to the girls about?”

“Not likely. I still can’t get over how helpless I was during the Discord scenario. How much I let them down. If I talk with my friends, they’ll just tell me not to blame myself for what happened and encourage me to love myself for who I am.”

“And? That’s a bad thing because?”

“Because it’s not enough.” My teeth ground together like a mortar and pestle. “A human can’t fend off vampire fruit bats. A human can’t save Spike from a trio of teenage dragons. A human can’t protect Rainbow Dash from the quarray eels. A human can’t fend off an army of changelings! A human can’t-!” I glanced down in surprise at my pale knuckles, clamped threateningly around the handle of the kitchen knife. I whispered, “I’m not good enough for my friends. That’s what’s eating me.”

“Wait a minute. Listen to what you’re saying. Where will that kind of thinking lead? You start hating your abilities, you’ll start hating yourself. You’ll start hating everything you do. You’ll start hating what it means to be you. And your friends already like who you are!”

“I don’t care.” I tossed aside the half-peeled apple and stared at the knife. “If I can’t protect my friends, then I’m not worthy of them. If they get hurt and I didn’t do everything in my power to protect them, I’ll never forgive myself! Especially since I’m the only person in this world who has seen the future. I need to give them the happy ending they deserve!”

“Wooo… God complex much?”

“This is different!” I shouted into the empty room. “I tried to stand by, tried to let my friends grow into the people I know they’re destined to be, but it’s not enough to just watch! As far as I’m concerned, I’ve already failed them… A villain defeated my friends and I won’t let it happen again.”

“… Do you have a plan?” I asked myself.

“I have… the beginnings of a plan.”

“Ah yes… Her… You know that’s not real magic, right?”

“It’s not ‘conventional’ magic, no, and it might be severely limiting, but it’s the only lead I have.”

“Sounds like a visit to the forest is in order. Where’s Harry, by the way?”

“He’s uh… not available today. I think I saw him limping over to Fluttershy’s earlier.”

“What? He hurt himself? Got a knot in his back? Ha! Wouldn’t it be funny if this was the episode where Fluttershy beats him up?”

“Yeah, but that would mean-” In that moment, the front door of the library swung in and I could hear Spike and Twilight’s voices in the other room. My own conversation fell silent as I listened to the two chatting,

“Looks like that’s everything!” Spike announced with a mixture of pride and relief.

“Almost everything.” Twilight Sparkle reminded him. There was the sound of shuffling paper as the little dragon worked his way to the end of the titanic checklist. He read the last bullet,

“Triple-check checklist to make sure we didn’t miss anything when we double-checked the checklist! Uh… check!”

“Wait. Why does this sound familiar?” I frowned to myself as I crept up to the edge of the main room.

“Ugh, I’ve been holding that quill so long, I’ve got a claw cramp! Well, good thing we don’t have anything to report to Princess Celestia this week. I don’t think I could write another word.”

“We haven’t sent a letter to Princess Celestia this week!?” Twilight Sparkle gasped.

“She hasn’t sent a letter to Princess Celestia this week!?” I gasped.

Well, that cinched it. Things were about to get very weird in Ponyville and I wasn’t about to sit around waiting for a maniacal magical mischief-maker to put a ‘want-it-need-it’ spell on my heart. I quickly ran through my criteria of whether or not to intervene in this particular episode:

Is somepony’s life in danger?

-Not apparently, no.

Does (fill in character’s name here) emerge from the episode better for the experience? (Also known as the ‘Friendship Lesson’ rule)

-Twilight needs to unwind. I’m gonna say ‘yes’. Oh, and after this, Celestia invites all the girls to write the letters. So, I guess that’s a good thing.

Do I want to be around for this episode?

-What? And meet creepypasta Twilight? I’ll pass, thanks.

And with that, I swept up a piece of paper and began scribbling,

“Going to see Yoda. Won’t be back. Sorry. And Spike? Watch Twilight, ok?” It was hardly Homer’s Iliad, but I had barely even memorized the Equestrian alphabet by then.

I placed the note on a table, pulled on my shoes, and grabbed my Everfree survival kit. I ducked out of the door just as the unicorn and the dragon were finishing up their dialogue,

“… That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! You’re not going to be sent back to magic kindergarten.” Spike assured.

“You’re right. I have no reason to worry.” Twilight agreed. “Because I’m going to solve a friend’s problem and get that letter to Princess Celestia before sundown!”

“Ugh...”

I was already long gone on my pilgrimage before Twilight could catch me and ask if I had any problems for her to solve. One could argue that I kind of did, but indulging the panicky little student would ruin the episode, and besides, it wasn’t a problem she could properly resolve. For that, I needed ‘Yoda’.

“I wonder if Spike gets the reference.” I chuckled to myself as I trotted down Ponyville’s streets. I hadn’t finished telling him the story of ‘Star Wars’, but unless there was another strangely-colored-alien-hermit who talked funny and lived in a tree in a swamp, I figured he’d know where I was going.

Visiting Zecora, or even just visiting the Everfree forest, was always a pleasant experience, but it came with its own set of rules. The first rule was to always tell someone where you were going. (Even if it’s just a hastily-scribbled note with a vague reference in it that someone might get but their egghead friend might not.) The second rule was to never travel alone, but I’d been rather flexible on that one, partly because Harry wasn’t always available, but also because of my third rule: be prepared. Thus, the survival kit on my back.

My Everfree survival kit was a combination of items you’d likely find in a boy scout’s ‘ten essentials’, a fantasy RPG inventory, and Les Stroud’s Christmas wishlist. It had a blanket, a canteen, some matches, a healing potion, a couple antidotes, a silver mirror (in case of cockatrices), a few bottled herbs (in case of manticores), a flute (in case of ursas), and my fire rod (in case of timber wolves).

It should be noted that th rod itself had a cooler name than it was fit to bear. In reality, it was nothing more than the old lantern I’d used when facing the ursa minor lashed onto a walking stick. Even as oil-based lanterns went, it was a cheap model, and Twilight Sparkle wondered why I had kept it around for so long, but after I discovered that sloshing its fuel around could cause it to drip burning liquid, it became my constant companion whenever I went into the Everfree forest. If the Legend of Zelda games had taught me anything, it was that any self-respecting explorer needed a lantern, and the ability to light stuff on fire was always a bonus, so I named my invention after the most overpowered item in ‘Link’s Awakening’.

Like great wooden arms, the forest closed around me and I found myself once more in the muffled world of the Everfree. I kept my mouth closed and my ears open as I wound my way towards the lone zebra’s hut. Despite having walked down that same path numerous times, that day’s trip felt fundamentally different than my typical visits. It had been quite a while since I had last seen Zecora and I wasn’t going for a friendly chat. I was there because I needed something. There was no way of knowing how receptive she would be to my request or even if she was home at all. There was also no contingency plan if she refused my wish.

My nagging doubts clung to me like thorny burs until I rounded the last bend in the trail and saw Zecora’s tree. The windows were lit with a warm glow and I could smell the herbalist’s signature aroma of dried flowers and incense. It was an inviting scene, like finding a camp fire on a cold night. Shaking off the last of my inhibitions, I determinedly stepped towards the front door and lifted my fist.

“Come in, Mark, no need to knock.

‘Tis far too formal for friends to talk.” I shook my head and pushed the door open.

“How do you do that?” I chuckled. Inside, I found the room lit with orange lamps and the neon green cauldron in the center of the floor. Zecora and a half dozen of her tribal masks greeted me with a smile as she gestured to a low table. Tea for two was already set up and waiting for us.

“You were expecting company?” I shrugged off my survival kit and sat down.

“Only the company you’ve brought today.

I thought I’d have visitors coming my way.”

“Sorry I didn’t come sooner. The past week has been kind of hectic.” The subtle aroma of brewed blackbriar leaves wafted into my nostrils. I graciously took the wooden cup my host offered. “Thank you.”

“After such excitement, it takes time to wind down.

I wondered how you fared, remaining in town.

But no longer chaos, things have become still.

Tell me, how are things now, back in Ponyville?” Zecora asked.

I narrated as much as I could (pretty much the last two chapters) while my audience calmly soaked in the world-warping events of the past week. I told her about the vicious curse Discord, lord of chaos, had inflicted on my friends and the particularly irksome one he had slapped on me. I kept nothing from her except the personal secrets I’d tried to conceal and the fact that I had been the one who chartered Cherry Berry’s balloon. Zecora never once interrupted me, not even when I got to the part that I was an alien to the world of Equestria. (Seriously, what does it take to phase these ponies?)

“After the girls used the Elements of Harmony to seal up Discord and his power, Celestia recognized them as national heroes. So, that was pretty exciting. But all the energy’s died down now. It’s like everypony just left it all in the past. The villain as well as the heroics. It’s as if nothing ever happened at all.”

“It seems they do just what they should.

Not to linger on the past, but focus on the good.”

“Yeah… good for them…” I sipped my tea. My host narrowed her eyes, but remained silent. “Granted, some ponies got hit by the chaos a lot harder than others. Most fled, but the few that remained went through some pretty surreal experiences. I’m speaking out of familiarity, mind you. Actually, now that I think about it, did Discord’s chaos mess up anything here in the forest? Or were you pretty safe out here?” Zecora shrugged.

“Little changed, if I were to gage.

I feel his focus was on a different stage.

Perhaps the creatures were restless, at best,

But now all has returned to its normal rest.” She lifted her wooden cup in her hooves and took a slow sip.

“At least, that’s what I’d like to say,

But a little discord remains today.”

“Hm? What do you mean?” I peered up at her calm face. “Discord was turned back to stone! He can’t do anything. Not for a long time, anyway.”

“It has happened, I don’t know how,

But you carry a shadow over your brow.

I don’t speak of ‘Discord’, the piece of art,

I speak of the discord lingering in your heart.”

“You don’t miss a beat, do you?” I sat back, resignedly. “I figured I’d be polite and small-talk for a little bit longer.”

“If something troubles you, please do share.

All other topics are just wasted air.”

“Alright, but it’s not really something I’ve been able to put to words, so give me a minute.” Zecora waited patiently while I tried to compose my thoughts. The only sounds that filled the room were the soft murmuring of her cauldron, the chirping of a tiny water fountain, and the restless clicking as I tapped my cup. Finally, I began,

“I have my friends to thank for everything. On my own, I had nothing but the threadbare shirt on my back and a head full of references to a world I may never see again, but here, I’ve been given a new life. My friends gave me clothing, food, a job, a home, and, strangely enough, their friendship. I want to be able to reciprocate that, or at least protect it, but Discord made it painfully obvious of how helpless a human in Equestria is. I’m weaker, slower, and more ignorant than any of my friends, and I’m having an identity crisis because of that. Maybe it’s my big brother instincts, but I’m not usually the one who needs protecting. I want to to repay their kindness, but all I feel is powerlessness. And so…” I looked up at Zecora. “I want you to teach me potion-making. Or, alchemy. Or, whatever it’s called. Please.”

In reply, the zebra merely buried her muzzle in her cup and drank quietly. I tried to read her passive expression, but her face was as elusive as the morning mist. With a friendly, but measured, tone, she asked,

“You are upset, that I can see,

So why do you ask this thing of me?”

“Twilight Sparkle’s determined that humans weren’t built for using magic, so no matter how much I study what other ponies have accomplished, I’ll only be able to understand the basic theory, not counter it. But you, as far as I can tell, you don’t use your own power to do arcane work, you use potions. Please correct me if I’m mistaken, but I think this might be a way I can get around my handicap.”

My mind quickly conjured up every memory I had about Zecora from the TV show. Though not a very prominent character, she was definitely more than a humble recluse. Far from being limited to healing poison joke and cooking up big pots of soup, I’d seen the zebra heal mute roosters, regrow chipped teeth, summon a cup of water from nothingness, and even conjure up a ghostly replica of Nightmare Moon. Even just that last one put the zebra on par with unicorns like Trixie.

Zecora continued to stare at me as if watching exactly what was going through my mind and, for a fleeing moment, I wondered if she could. Instead of answering right away, however, she gently smiled, got to her hooves, and walked up to a row of shelves behind me. Her back was towards me, but I could hear her shuffling pots and dried medicines around.

“Your heart, to your friends, is closely knit.

And yet you feel inadequate?

The power of friendship can take you far.

But yet you try and change the way you are?” She finished up with her pots and returned to her seat across from me.

“This isn’t a matter about changing myself.” I’d been expecting a question along those lines. “It’s about being more true to myself. I’m not going to stagnate and pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows when I know how unforgiving the world can be. If there’s anything I can do to prepare for the future, then I feel it’s my duty to pursue it, otherwise I’ve failed in some way. I’m not going to be reactive when I can be proactive…. (Gawd, I sound like my mother.) That is, not when it comes to protecting my friends. On the other hand, if you ask me to talk to a stranger on the phone, I get colder feet than a barefoot eskimo dancing on a skating rink. But that’s off-topic.”

“It is always a pleasure to share what I know,

And do what I can to help others grow.” Zecora looked at me reassuringly and my heart leapt with suspense. For a fleeting moment, I thought she would take me on as an apprentice right then and there. I should have known better than to assume it would be so easy.

“Before we begin, I’ll share with thee,

A lesson from the one who mentored me.

In the wrong hooves, the misguided could

Use these skills for evil instead of for good.

My arts can build, or they can devour.

So what is your plan for this kind of power?”

“To protect and serve, of course!” I flashed a quick grin. “A little cliché, perhaps, but I can’t think of a better way to describe it. Potions are used as wards and healing solutions, right? If all I want to do is keep my friends safe, then that’s all I need.”

Zecora nodded in understanding and stared off into the distance. Then something strange happened. Her smile vanished, replaced with a blank stare. When she turned her attention back to me, her voice was cautious,

“I see a young one come to me for aid,

Yet something causes his integrity to fade.

Not with conviction do your words ring.

Mark, are you sure you’ve told me everything?”

“I… Don’t know what you mean.” I faltered. “Are you saying I’m not telling the truth? You don’t think I want to ‘protect and serve’ my friends? That doesn’t make any sense. Of course I do!” The zebra’s eyes unfocused once more, but they came back just like before. “You don’t believe me...”

“On the contrary, that I do,

But it seems it is yourself who doesn’t believe you.”

“Now that’s just being silly. How could I pull that off? I’ve known me my whole life, so shouldn’t I know when I’m lying? Or is this a part of your test? Do I need to be able to show conviction?” I tried to laugh, but all that came out of my chest was a tight cough. Zecora’s face remained as passive as ever. I opened my mouth to reiterate my request, but she cut me off,

“Twilight told me of your case.

A creature with no aura trace.

Her tests have not come to fruition,

But perhaps you could use a second opinion.”

“What does that have to do with taking me on as a pupil?” I asked as my host got up and began trotting around her hut.

“Magic or potions can take their toll.

I’m curious about the fitness of your soul.

Before we can move on to the rest,

You need to have your spirit test.”

“Oh, so you’ll train me after all?” My shoulders melted with relief as I released a lungful of air I didn’t know I’d been holding. The zebra shook her head.

“Learning the arcane is not easy, young man.

First, we must find out if you can.”

“Ugh… Whatever, fine! Let’s see what kind of tests you’ve got for me.” The tension returned to my shoulders, but I decided to play along. Twilight Sparkle hadn’t mentioned going through any application process to train with Zecora, but I didn’t have much time to worry about that as the zebra began her trials.

To this day, I’m still not sure what half of those exercises were or even if Zecora was just making me do weird things for her amusement. (After all, crazy hermits don’t really have cable.) Whereas a regular doctor would ask me to perform breathing exercises, Zecora told me to blow out a candle. Instead of balancing exercises, she told me to touch the surface of a pool of water. Instead of checking my flexibility, she asked me what color a bunch of wind chimes sounded like and in lieu of an eye exam she asked me what emotion a flavor of fruit reminded me of. One of the most bizarre tests was when she tossed me a wooden ball and asked me what it was.

“I don’t understand the question.” I replied, rolling the object from one hand to the other. “It’s a sphere, all right, made of a heavy dark wood. If I knew more about lumber, I might be able to identify what exactly it’s made of, but for now, I’m guessing oak. Someone clearly put a lot of time into making it, as I can’t detect any flaw in its shape and its surface was obviously polished. It’s too big to be a baseball and too small to be a bowling ball and too big to be a croquet ball and too small to be a soccer ball. Not to mention, I always wondered if the varying rings in the wood are indicative of different densities. If that’s the case, then its center of mass might not actually be its geometric center. I give up, Zecora, what is it?”

“Why ask me what it is, instead,

When it is exactly everything you have said?”

“Rrgh!” I rolled my eyes and grumbled as the zebra retrieved the orb and put it on a shelf.

“One last question we shouldn’t miss,

Do you know what color your soul is?” Zecora peered into her cauldron.

“No. Twilight said that was the next test we could do, but we got discouraged before we tried it.” Fortunately, my host had a draught for that. She handed me a small clay vial filled with a clear liquid that glinted with a faint white light. According to her, it was a tonic designed to shift the drinker’s perception into the realm of the ethereal. In layman’s terms, it would let me see spirits a la Maka Albarn. Zecora and I both quickly swallowed the strange mixture and then waited.

At first, the only difference I saw was that the room grew brighter. The light from the room’s lamps faded, but the walls of the hut began flickering with tiny motes of golden light. A shiver of excitement prickled my skin as I realized that I was looking at sap moving through the living tree. I quickly looked down at myself to see that all my own body was pulsing with orange fire. My skin pulsed with a web of neon veins, a radiant network of molten metal, while a ghostly afterimage rose into the air around me. It wasn’t very prominent, but I was as certain as death and taxes that it was an aura of some kind.

“Looks like I got a blood transfusion with a Chernobyl survivor. Or maybe this is what happens when you listen to too much rave! Remind me to warn Vinyl… Hehe! This is so cool.” I waved my arm through the air, admiring the ribbons of amber light left in their wake. Then I looked up to see Zecora’s transformation. Unlike myself, her body had a wave of tea green flames enveloping it. Their tongues pulsed slowly, like breaths of steam, and her eyes were a pair of lanterns.

She quickly crossed the room, leaving a verdant comet trail behind her, and snatched up my hand. My earlier amusement dissipated as I watched her carefully scrutinize the whispy light that enveloped me. She bore the expression of an accountant whose numbers didn’t quite add up or a miser who’d suddenly lost a coin. Suddenly, she slapped my arm and a wave of electricity flickered throughout my body.

She muttered something in her native tongue.

“What’s wrong?” My arm remained caught between her iron hooves.

“A perplexing mystery you’ve brought and more.

I’ve never seen magic like this before.

Conflicting waves wrestle within you,

Each trying to be the one shining through.

It is this never ending strife

That muddles your aura, though you’re alive.

Now answer me, Mark, for better or worse,

When were you afflicted with such a curse?” The great green eyes leered up at me.

“Curse?” I stepped back, allowing my arm to fall out of the zebra’s forelegs. “I’ve never been cursed. Well, ok, that’s a lie. Discord cursed me, but we broke that one, so I’m myself again. I know what it feels like to be out of sorts, so unless I’ve been cursed my whole life, I feel pretty normal right now.” I put on an easy smile and tried to shake off the implication, but Zecora clearly wasn’t convinced. I stammered, “But that wouldn’t make any sense. After all, Earth doesn’t have any magic in the first place! Right…?”

“Very well,” She didn’t push the issue, “Perhaps all is as you say,

And I’ll adjust my conclusion another way.”

“I’m kind of surprised. I was convinced that my soul would be an electric blue, like in Soul Eater, or even a nice purple, not this Goku knockoff.” My words belied how tickled I was to actually be doing something semi-magical. As the potion wore off, I continued trailing light from my fingertips, painting sunsets in the air. I couldn’t wait to tell Twilight what Zecora and I had found and wondered why the little unicorn’s tests weren’t able to see what the zebra’s could.

“You know, if my spirit’s got multiple wavelengths, then that might explain why Twilight Sparkle’s vitagraph kept shorting out. It was designed for one wavelength, like direct current electricity, but if I’m a creature with compound polarity, then the machine wouldn’t know what to do with it. A. C. instead of D. C. Not that that’s a problem. I always did like Tesla better than Edison!” The tonic wore off and I found myself standing in Zecora’s humble hut once more. My host herself was having a staring contest with her reflection in a fresh cup of tea. I asked, “So, what have we learned? That I do have some semblance of aura, after all? Good to know. What else did you find?”

Zecora paused before answering, her eyes never leaving her cup. Slowly, she explained,

“Any student must reflect and try

To find out where their talents lie.

You asked to learn potions from me,

And now I’ve seen your personality.”

“Yes?” With wide eyes and bated breath, I reclaimed my seat across from the zebra.

“Your reason for studying will make you skills flower,

Is it for order, healing, freedom, or power?

The road of stone, water, wind, or fire,

You learn best by what you most desire.

I see the path that you naturally use,

But I’ll ask once more, which affinity would you choose?”

“I remember this, it was in Twilight’s books. The four philosophies of magic, the four schools of thought that motivate a magician. Personally, I’ve always seen myself as unwavering, unflinching, reliable and steady. So, ‘stone’ for me. But kindness, compassion and sympathy are incredibly noble traits, so I’d be ok with ‘water’ too. And how can you say no to the freedom magic gives you? The thrill of exploration, the need to chase horizons, the means to rise above everything that holds you down or holds you back? ‘Wind’ would be my first choice if it didn’t imply that I had a ADHD anarchist streak in me.”

“In your mind, you hold these three higher,

But why do you not speak of ‘fire’?”

“Really?” I guffawed. “That’s the villain’s element. Bowser, Sauron, Smaug, Fireman.exe, Sephiroth, Diablo, Grima, Hades, the Fire Nation, need I go on? They all had one thing in common: playing with matches! They all put themselves first, were oblivious to the pain they spread around, and sacrificed their humanity in their lust for power. No, sorry, I don’t sympathize with that.”

“Perhaps this is why your problems arise.

Your own affinity is misunderstood in your eyes.”

“I mean, you could make the argument that there’s nothing wrong with being a hothead. If I had to guess, Rainbow Dash probably has a ‘fire’ or ‘wind’ affinity, judging by the way she dive-kicked that dragon in the face. Brave, but foolish. I find I have more in common with Applejack and- Wait, what did you say about me?” I looked up at Zecora in surprise, but her dark eyes merely watched as realization dawned on me. When her words finally sunk in, they left me unbalanced and confused. Cautiously, I tried to clarify, “Did you just say I’m a ‘fire’?”

“You are a soul who can’t find rest.

The flames of passion burn in your chest.

Your battle with Discord was surely rough,

But to you, even victory is not enough.

You boil now with angry tears,

And look for strength to qualm your fears.

A soldier asking for my power to be his,

If this isn’t ‘fire’, I don’t know what is.”

“But that’s not… No, you’re wrong.” My fingers curled and uncurled. “I came here because I wanted to help the girls, remember? Not satisfy some power-hungry greed.”

“Desiring power is not a sin,

But there’s a greater danger I find you’re in.

I would lend you my aid right now and here,

But I can’t until your motives become clear.

Deep into your heart, you must delve,

And discover why you’re lying to yourself.

Go in peace with this admonition,

And return when you’re found your solution.”

I let a few beats pass as the air swallowed the last of Zecora’s words. I could tell by her posture and the way her eyes hovered over me that the conversation was over. She wasn’t going to teach me her trade. Not until I could come up with an answer that would satisfy her. With measured, deliberate movements, I pushed myself up from the table and reached for my survival kit.

“I see… Very well, ma’am. Thank you for your time.” Zecora didn’t even watch me as I pulled open the door and ducked outside.

The fresh forest air struck my face like a wet cloth as I closed the latch behind me. With each lung full I swallowed, my buzzing thoughts slowly quieted and I returned to the realm of reality. Back in the cottage had been a confusing ramble of ‘affinities’, ‘auras’, and bizarre jousts of philosophy, but once outside, I could feel the tangible world come back into focus.

The meeting hadn’t gone at all as I’d hoped it would. If that emotional wringer was the entry test that Zecora put all her new students through, then it was no wonder she still lived alone. I had come to her for aid, but had been slapped with a moral quandary instead. All I ever wanted was to help and heal the people around me, that was the guide by how I measured my worth in the world, but Zecora had refused to believe me. Instead, she was convinced that my interest in the arcane arts was to feed some imaginary crusade I had against my own inconsequentiality, and she refused to become my instructor until I agreed with her.

“I could always just tell her what she wants to hear.” I thought to myself. But I shook my head. Zecora wasn’t the kind of pony who could be easily deceived. If she wanted to trick herself into believing something that wasn’t real, that was her problem, but she wouldn’t let a kid like me deceive her so easily.

There was no rush to get back to Ponyville. ‘Lesson Zero’ wouldn’t be over until evening, and I could comfortably hide in the forest until the credits rolled. Without Harry ambling alongside me, the forest felt strangely open and wild. The feeling of leaving behind the extra security the bear provided was both daunting and exciting.

I wandered, aimlessly killing time until I came to the edge of a slow stretch of river. The water was grey under the shadows of the trees, glinting like polished granite while tiny leaves sailed by on its surface. With a sigh, I unshouldered my bag and withdrew a satchel of dried fruit. The scene was so quiet, so empty, and so peaceful that I quickly slipped under the whispers of its lullaby.

“I could get used to this.” I nodded decisively. “I don’t know why Zecora’s so convinced that I’m a… what did she call me? A soldier? Please, I find this scene suits me far better than a battlefield. This is more indicative of a poetic or artistic vein in me. A man of peace, that’s what I strive to be. So, how come that didn’t come across to Zecora?”

I yawned and stretched my arms. My eyes lingered on my hand as I re-envisioned the magic pulsing beneath my skin. Granted, it had been orange, a bloody orange, but color alone wasn’t enough to judge a pony’s personality by. Using that logic, Trixie would have the same personality as Twilight, Flim and Flam would be the similar to Queen Chrysalis, and Tirek would be like, well… me.

“Pshh!” I grunted as I pushed the useless thought away. Leaning over the grassy bank of the river, I confronted my reflection. Unfortunately, he seemed to be just as confused as I.

“So?” I asked, “Do you have anything you’d like to share with the class? Any reason Zecora thinks you’re hiding something?”

“No, not really, no.” At least I didn’t look like I was lying.

“Lying…” I turned the word over in my mouth like a never ending gobstopper. “You know, she’s not the first one to accuse me of lying to myself.”

“Yeah, but Discord doesn’t count. He was just trying to get in your head.”

“Seems like a pretty elaborate prank just to wig someone out. Remember, at first, he called his curse a ‘favor’.”

“And what if he was making a point? What did you learn from that scenario?”

“We already answered this. It was to prove how powerless I was to stop him, right?”

“Right? Is that uncertainty I hear?” My reflection narrowed his eyes. “What else did you learn that day? Who were you without your inhibition? How would you describe your personality?”

“I’d describe you as a prick!” I huffed, causing the surface of the water to ripple. I waited a moment to remind myself that I was getting worked up yelling at a puddle before continuing, “I learned that I’m loud, obnoxious, manipulative, rude, emotional, and have a short temper, but my heart was still in the right place.”

“So, subtlety, meekness, honesty, respect, self-control, and restraint, all the things you thought you found identity in, are actually the opposite of your instincts, is that about right?” A stunned silence fell upon the scene.

“You know? I really hate it when you make a god point.”

“Really? I rather enjoy it!”

“But if I’m not the portrait of chivalry I thought I was, then what am I?”

Leave it to life to provide a dumb answer to a dumb question.

I only heard it at first. The sound of something big rustling from across the water. My eyes snapped up and quickly swept the far shore for the source of the disturbance, but all I saw were brown tree trunks and the mottled green undergrowth. My heart seized in my chest as I realized that the undergrowth was walking.

It was big. Even a creature as tall as I barely stood above the shoulder of one of the Everfree’s infamous timberwolves. The horse-sized predator moved like a wrinkle in space, its patchwork hide of sticks and leaves a perfect blend with its environment. It patrolled the far side of the river, face to the ground as if following a scent, but devoid of breath in its nostrils.

“This isn’t good.” Blood coursed through my arteries and the hairs on my arms rose, but my body remained shock-still. I measured out each breath, holding back the terror coursing through me like a musher restraining his dogs. The entity hadn’t detected me yet or, if it had, let me know it. My hand floated out and clamped onto my fire rod.

Then I smelled it. Spike had once described the timberwolf’s miasma as ‘bad breath’, but that would imply that the animated amalgamation of rotten logs and broken branches possessed a pair of lungs. Instead, the stench that assaulted me was more indicative of wet sawdust and rotten leaves. And death. This monster of wood and magic emanated an aura that pressed beyond reason into the realm of my primitive instincts; that of pure, unbridled, irrational, malice.

Timberwolves needed no prey. They feared no wounds. They owned no territory. Whereas the predators of Earth were mortal flesh and bone, I was facing little more than a nightmare come to life. Bears, cougars, foxes and wild dogs all shared a mutual fear and respect for humans. Equestria’s monsters played by no such rules.

“Why here? Why now?” A torrent of thoughts rushed behind my unblinking eyes. Although Applejack would often take Big Mack and I to patrol the boarder of Sweet Apple acres, we’d only ever seen a misplaced branch or perhaps a footprint. “Zecora had mentioned the monsters getting restless, but if these things are wandering this close to Ponyville, it’s a wonder none of them have roamed onto the Apple farm. Or Fluttershy’s cottage.” I softly unsheathed a pair of matches, held them against the striker, and prepared myself for the worst-case scenario.

A line of twigs bristled along the entity’s spine as it suddenly halted. It lifted its head, tasted the air, and turned its yellow-green eyes on me.

“So, what will it be?” I stared back down the pair of burning lanterns. “Are you going to keep walking? Or do I need to go ‘Jungle Book’ on your hide?” Even without lips, the creature snarled and revealed rows of lethal splinters. The silence of the forest was broken by a resounding roar ripped strait from ‘Jurassic Park’.

“Suit yourself.” I ripped the matches across their box and ‘man’s red flower’ blossomed in my hands. I stood to my full height with my lantern sputtering in my white-knuckled grip while my chest rose and fell with deep, patient breaths. Across the water, the timberwolf didn’t stand down. Instead, it waited patiently while two more scrap-wood dogs emerged from the underbrush, summoned by the challenge. My eyes lit with defiance and I locked my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering, but the result curled into a twisted smile. A nervous laugh shook my shoulders.

“Oh, now it’s a party.”

As one, the creatures vanished back into the cover of the woods. I couldn’t see them, but I could hear their pieces rattling through the forest and I could smell their malice drawing nearer. I couldn’t run. There was no place to run to. There was no safety to be found hiding in the forest and my legs couldn’t outpace those hellhounds. My only advantage was the fact that they had avoided the river. Perhaps their bodies were too fragile or perhaps they didn’t like the open space, it didn’t matter. It was the only ‘high ground’ I had. Soon enough, they were on my side of the water. With a skittering noise like an army of marionettes, the three figures crept up behind me.

I put my back to the river while six glowing eyes inched ever closer. Two wolves crept up on me from the right and left while the third, a massive brute with a head fashioned from an old stump, stared directly at me. To my surprise, I laughed at them.

“What? Is this the part where I call you a ‘clever girl’? Think you have me in a checkmate? Well, too bad,” The center wolf opened its jaws, “Because I’m about to kick over the chessboard!”

The next fractured seconds were an eternity. The wolf to my right lunged towards me just as I swung my fire rod. I remember the halo of fire the lantern spit, I remember how the orange flames blossomed in the wolve’s faces, and I remember the fear. I was overwhelmed with fear, but instead of freezing my limbs, the fear empowered them. Every blade of grass, every ripple of water, every tree leaf was thrown into crystal clear clarity as time slowed around me.

Wooden jaws clamped down on my survival bag as I spun away from my attacker. I lowered my shoulder, and pulled against the fabric and the wooden teeth snagged within. With barely a hint of slowing, I tore the monster’s head clean off its shoulders.

The wolf to my left flinched under my lantern’s onslaught and I dove into it with all the power and fury I could muster. With a shout, my foot lanced forward, catching one of its thin legs and ripping it from the body. It stumbled and I thrust my fire rod into its face. With a squealing yelp, the monster leapt back, blindly trying to flee from the flames that stuck to its eyes.

Then it was the alpha’s turn. The center wolf pulled its strength together and leapt into the air, bringing the full weight of its massive body down on me. I put both hands on my feeble rod and swung it like a sword into my attacker’s neck. The lantern split, bathing both myself and the wolf in bright yellow flames. In the next instance, a half-quart of wood collapsed on top of me. I fell back, but not onto the shore. I and the alpha tumbled into the silver river.

The cold water stunned me more than that flames did. My vision was nothing but blurry shadows and muddled light. I clawed away at the chunks of wood surrounding me until my head finally broke the surface. The timberwolves’ attack had only taken three seconds, but what I found when I came out of the water looked like the aftermath of a war.

One wolf was still stumbling around without its head. The sounds of the second could barely be made out fleeing into the distance and the third was nothing more than a mixture of muddy water and floating debris. I wiped oil and leaves from my forehead and trudged back to shore. After stopping only long enough to kick over the headless body and retrieve my survival kit from its discarded jaws, I began running back towards Ponyville.

“I’d call that a success.” Dripping wet and covered in bruises, I felt nothing but elation. “Learned a lot from that exchange. Though immortal, their bodies are easily pulled apart. They are, in fact, terrified of fire. And (oddly enough) they rebuild themselves slower when their pieces are in water.” Even though I had just barely wriggled out from between the jaws of death, I was emotionally higher than the Burj Khalifa. I wanted to laugh, wanted to cry, and wanted to share my victory with someone, anyone, as soon as possible. Ponyville was just a little bit safer now, but that was merely the cherry on top. If I were honest, I’d even go so far as to say that I’d been looking forward to that fight for a long time. Victory over the creatures I long feared was sweeter than honey. I proudly gazed down at the fire rod still frozen to my hand.

And all the emotions fell silent.

I didn’t see the rod. I didn’t see the lantern or the stick or even the pale hand that remained glued to it. In a twisted, uncanny, and unfair way, I saw my answer. I saw who I was. I set my feet towards Zecora’s and redoubled my pace.

“It has not been that long since I last saw your face.

Tell me, did you forget something here at my pl-” When Zecora saw me stagger back through her door, her rhyme died on her tongue. I couldn’t blame her, though. In the span of an hour, I’d drenched myself in mud, slathered myself in lantern oil, collected a plethora of scratches, and soiled my clothes, but I think what really shocked her was the look in my eyes. A grim, unashamed, and resentful light poured from my face.

With a flick of my hand, I tossed the remains of my fire rod onto her table as if it were a snake. Slowly, she looked down at the object and then back up to me.

“You wanted an answer.” I explained. “Well, there it is.”

“I can tell you discovered something by the way your words sound.

Speak and I’ll listen. Let’s hear what you’ve found.”

“It’s a lantern.” I gestured at the twisted metal between us. “Or, it used to be. It used to be something innocent, a light that pushed back the night, a comforting glow. That is, until I got a hold of it and turned it into a weapon. But that’s just me. That’s just what I do. Just being human…” My nose wrinkled in disgust, but I continued,

“Mine is a world of war, Zecora. Since the first humans were born on Earth, they’ve done nothing but try and kill each other. Stones, bronze, iron, steel, my very race has been defined by how we take each other's lives. And we will never stop because we do it all in the name of peace. Peace! Can you imagine a greater contradiction than the idea of killing someone for the sake of harmony? But we do, and the only semblance of safety my world has ever found is when our weapons became so lethal that their use would mean complete and mutual annihilation…” My breath came in shivers.

“Personally? I hate it. I hate that that’s what I was born to be a part of. I hate my inheritance. So I rebelled. My world has suffered enough, has too much hate, and too much pain in it already, so I refused to contribute. I tried to live a fairy tale and change it one person at a time, starting with the man in the mirror. I don’t cuss, I don’t lie, I don’t insult people, and treat everyone as if they are precious. I treat each soul with respect they don’t deserve because my mission in life is to prove to myself and the people around me that chivalry isn’t dead and the evil in the world has no hold on me. But it’s still a war.”

“You asked me what kind of curse I was under? Only the curse of my bipolar human spirit. A pony is either good or evil, there is little in-between. Heck, Princess Luna had to don a completely new personality in order to become Nightmare Moon, but humans? Our right hand can heal in the exact same moment our left hand wounds. Good men do evil things for the ‘right’ reasons and evil men do righteous deeds for ‘ulterior motives’! We, no, I am a living paradox. I am a creature of conflict from a land of conflict and harbor conflict inside of me. Until I finally sleep six feet under, peace is a mere fantasy. And I was convinced that that was my fate.”

“However, I found something. Something beautiful. A land called ‘Equestria’. In it, there is no war, there is no bloodshed, and evil has finally been defeated. The world I always wished for, but never expected to see was right before me. And I envied it. I was jealous of it. I was confused by it. But it made me happy. Perhaps that’s why I became a brony, so that I could glimpse this world from a distance and pretend, if just for a moment, that a real, lasting peace was possible for Earth.” My knees became weak, but instead of sitting, I began pacing the floor defiantly.

“But even here, I can’t escape my curse. I can’t escape it because I brought it with me. As it turns out, I am the war that I wanted to escape. When Nightmare Moon threatened Twilight Sparkle’s life, I didn’t call for ‘peace’ and ‘harmony’, I chucked a rock at her skull! When Discord took away the ‘noble’ persona that I’d created for myself, all that was left was a bloodthirsty animal! It took me all of two seconds to turn a mop into a spear! I fought and bit Rarity and tried to choke out Rainbow Dash and I kicked Fluttershy off an airship! Little Fluttershy! I kicked her! That alone is enough to put me on every ‘villain’ list in the multiverse!” I wiped a hand across my face and stared back at Zecora.

“And you’re right. I’m not a defender, or a healer, or an explorer. I’m a fighter. Fighting comes naturally to me. I don't know how to dance, I learned karate. I don't know how to sew, I know how a gun works. I don't know how to bake, I collect knives. When I told you I wanted to ‘protect and serve’ my friends, I was trying to get you to sympathize with my request. After all, your potions ward off monsters and heal injuries, so I figured that if I said I was going to do the same thing, you’d gladly teach me your skills. In all honesty, though, my definition of ‘protect and serve’ involves actively standing between my friends and any filthy dastard who would dare lay a hand on them! If I’m being completely honest, my first line of ‘potions’ would probably involve a line of Molotov cocktails as anti-timberwolf weapons.”

The hut fell into silence. I remained standing, breathing heavily, while Zecora weighed my claims. Her eyes unfocused while she digested my oration and she tilted her head ever so slightly. I muttered,

“I… That was pretty emotional, but I think it needed to be said. I understand if you don’t want to train me after this. As it stands, I’m no hero and I’m not going to pretend I’m one any more. What motivates me is fear plain and simple. Fear that I’m too weak, fear that I can’t fight, fear that my weakness will k-… will kill my friends. They are the only good thing that has happened to me and I will defend them with everything I am. I will gladly break my bones to defend them and fight armed with nothing but my teeth and fists, but if that’s all I’m good for, so be it. I promise you, I will never stop fighting. Your potions would only be another weapon. This is who Mark really is. This is my answer.”

More silence. I shifted from foot to foot, but Zecora’s eyes didn’t return to me. With the break in conversation growing larger and more awkward, I figured there was nothing more to be said. I picked up the remains of my fire rod and turned towards the door. But the mysterious hermit wasn’t done with me quite yet,

“So quick are you to be on your way?

Will you not first hear what I have to say?”

“What more is there?” I shook my head without looking back. “In the end, I’m just a fighter looking for more power.”

“What you’ve said is true, my friend,

But this is not how the story will end.” A black and white stripped foreleg pulled at my hand, turning me around. Zecora quietly gestured to a shelf, the same one that I had seen her shuffling pots around on earlier in the day. One of them, a deep red vase, held a flower in it that I hadn’t noticed before. It had a single narrow stalk sprouting from a cluster of long narrow leaves and crowned with white petals filled with delicate golden stamen.

“Is that-”

“This is the secret I was taught in my youth.

Before taking an apprentice, they must nurture the Seeds of Truth.

When you came to me earlier, they would not grow,

So I needed you to discover why this was so.

You carry a burden within your heart,

But if you’re willing, you can still play your part.”

“What are you saying?” I kept staring at the white flower. “I can’t become your apprentice. I’ve got the wrong motivation, the wrong background and the wrong ‘affinity’.”

“A spirit of fire itself is not an evil thing,

Do not lanterns, into darkness, a little comfort bring?

You fear for your friends, as well you should.

But you’ve never fought for evil but only for good.

When Twilight Sparkle was alone and afraid,

A single human rushed to her aid.

That same lone human, did not turn away,

When an ursa came to town, he ran into the fray.

You’ve lied to yourself about your motives before,

But embrace who you are and I’ll help you become more.

I see not a villain, hungry only for power,

But the seeds of a hero, getting ready to flower.”

“You… You’d still trust me, even after everything?” I stammered. Even with my motives laid bare, even after glimpsing what a flawed and confused character I was, Zecora still tried to comfort me and help me. I realized then that what mattered to her wasn’t how the potions would be used in the future, but the soul of person wielding them. She wasn’t a fool, though,

“I’ll train you to the best of my ability,

But I have some conditions you must promise me.

As an ember for warmth can become wild flame,

You must always strive to keep your own powers tame.

The fear that guides you, though noble at the start,

Can corrupt your motives if you do not watch your heart.

Stay close to your friends, they’re the only way

You’ll stay true to yourself and not wander astray.

Promise me this and I’ll ask but one thing in return.

Share with me your studies, what you find, what you learn.”

“Sensei, you have a deal.” On a knife’s edge between laughing and crying, I took Zecora’s foreleg in my hand and shook it.

At first, Twilight Sparkle was jealous to find that she’d be sharing her only student, but eventually, she was forced to admit that I had made a wise decision since I couldn’t study conventional magic the way she did. I threw myself into the mystic sciences, fanning my former hobby into a full-on second job. Yet, I kept my promise to Zecora and always put my friend’s time above my own.

With every picnic, every party, every rodeo, teaparty and carnival, I solidified my resolve for studying magic while at the same time warding off my constant fear of the future. I continued growing closer to the girls until I was convinced that nothing life threw at us could break my trust in them.

At least, that’s what I told myself. A few months after Zecora took me as an apprentice, I ‘slipped’ for the first time.

It was during ‘Secret of My Excess’. In the wake of Spike’s, well… let’s just call them ‘growing’ pains, I proposed that a counteragent be found that could prevent the baby dragon from having a similar episode in the future. (Not unlike Professor Lupin’s anti-werewolf potion.) Twilight Sparkle and Zecora both agreed that this was an inspired idea, though I didn’t tell them what had inspired it. All they knew was that I had collected the scales that the Wonderbolts had knocked off the dragon’s head and wanted them to isolate the rogue magic wavelength that had triggered his runaway emotional cascade.

There were six scales: two to Zecora, two to Twilight Sparkle (one of which went into Spike’s baby book), one to the little dragon himself as a memento,

And one to my own pocket.

Author's Note

A noble white knight
Chasing away the darkness
A raging dragon

-Me

I don't regret taking a break from the story. After all, anything can be burnt out and sometimes it takes a step back to reorient yourself on a project.

What I do regret, however, was not letting my readers know beforehand. (And, of course, not practicing any writing whatsoever over my break. My fingers felt like wood when I tried typing again!) Sorry if I left you hanging. I feel especially bad for just falling silent on the people who've encouraged me thus far. You guys da real MVP! Maybe little updates are in order. If I started writing a little blog, would anyone read it?

Anyways, sorry I've been gone, glad to be back, looking forward to the future! (Especially 'It's About Time' and the 'Canterlot Wedding'!
Ah! the wedding...:pinkiecrazy:)

Ch 13: No Reason to Scream

Chapter 13
No Reason to Scream

“It is time…” I whispered to myself. “I’ve waited so long for this night.” My fingers slid effortlessly into their armored gauntlets. “Everything I’ve done has led me to this moment.” My belt cinched tight around my hips. “I only pray it is enough.” My fingers curled around the cold hilt of my sword. “This evening, in this town, heroes and villains, knights and dragons, legends and lore, will finally be revealed.” My eyes narrowed as I softly pushed aside the window curtains. My lips barely moved as I whispered, “They are here…”

“Who’s here?” Spike looked up at me uncertainly. A grim smile played across my face as I let the fabric fall back over the glass.

“Deities and demons. Soldiers and saints. Kings and criminals. This is the night they invade our town, our streets, our homes… But there is one champion they did not count on. An impossible legend come to life. There is one they fear.”

“Are you ok?”

“In their tongue, he is Dovahkiin!” I swept myself up to my full height, donned my helmet and brandished my blade triumphantly, “Dragonborn!” In my mind, the room burst aloud with the Skyrim theme like ocean waves breaking upon the shore. Unfortunately, even in a world where musicals randomly popped up like dandelions in a sidewalk, Spike’s expression made it perfectly clear that I didn’t look nearly as cool as I thought I did.

“Oh…” The little dragon’s eyes swept over my wild attire with a deflated expression. “So, that’s your dragonborn costume?”

“No, I’m Mary flippin’ Poppins. Of course I’m the dragonborn! I’ve only spent an entire month on my Nightmare Night costume. So, what do you think? Impressed?” I adjusted the homemade Nord attire on my shoulders and double-checked the straps on my furry boots.

“Well,” Spike shrugged, “I guess I just imagined him to look more, I don’t know, like a dragon?”

My fingers paused in their work. The little drake’s critique shouldn’t have surprised me. After all, the only thing he knew about Skyrim was the stories I’d been telling him and the only human he knew was me. Ergo, a tale about a dragon-blooded hero was bound to evoke more images of scaly skin than various human ethnicities to an Equestrian audience.

“Yeah, well, I can’t do the Argonian voice for longer than thirty seconds without going hoarse and seeing as I’ve already got the whitest genes on Earth, I decided to go with the iconic Nord look.” I gave Spike a reassuring smile as my eyes swept over his costume. “And that’s your ‘Alduin’ costume?”

“Yup! The mighty black dragon! Your nemesis! The world-eater!” Spike turned and began admiring his dragon onesie in a mirror, growling as low as his voice could go while I forced a grin and bit my tongue.

Despite all my efforts to dissuade him, the little dragon was still celebrating Nightmare Night dressed as a dragon. Obviously, I was all for promoting pride in oneself and one’s species, but still, it was disappointing to see that the only thing I had changed from the cannon episode was the color of his costume. Instead of wearing a slightly darker shade of purple than he normally sported, Spike’s suit was black. So close, and yet so far from the thorny-skinned demigod from Tamriel.

“So, are you excited for Nightmare Night, Mark?” Spike stopped posing long enough to glance back at me.

“Absolutely!” I twirled my wooden sword prop over my hand. “After all, it’s my first Nightmare Night.”

“Really?”

“Well, technically. Back on Earth, there’s a similar celebration called ‘All-Hallows Eve’, or, more commonly, ‘Halloween’, but I only did that once or twice… And I think I wasted both costume opportunities dressed as Peter Pan.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“It wasn’t my choice. I thought it was fun, but my mom, eh, let’s just say she was a very protective lady. Wouldn’t let anything in our house even remotely ‘scary’. Halloween, Harry Potter, the Goosebumps books, and pretty much anything to do with Tim Burton.” (Yes, mine was an incomplete childhood.)

“Well, I’m sure this is going to be the best Nightmare Night ever!” Spike cheered. “That is, if Twilight ever finishes getting dressed.”

“I’m sure it will be.” I hid my smirk by pretending to examine the inside of my helmet.

Nightmare Night had been the topic of anticipation for weeks and, if I wasn’t horrendously mistaken, that particular night would go down in history as the best one since its conception. After all, how often does the symbol of a holiday join the festivities? Having Princess Luna surprise the citizens of Ponyville on Nightmare Night was like having the Grinch serve Christmas dinner, or Jack Skellington trick-or-treat you on Halloween, or have Charles Dickens fend off ghosts on Christmas Eve, or watch Agatha Christie solve the case of Professor Peach’s murder in the library with the led pipe. (Ok, that last one isn’t really a holiday, but I’m sure there’s someone out there “Who” gets the reference.) Either way, I was looking forward to seeing Luna again.

“Oh, before I forget.” I clamped my helmet back onto my head and swept up an Equestrian camera. I held the toaster-sized box above my head as I knelt down next to Spike. “Say ‘Parcheesi’!”

“Huh?” There was a bright white flash and a loud click as the flash bulb ignited, dazzling my eyes, and reducing Spike’s pupils to tiny slits.

“You didn’t do any duckface, right?” With a spot of white hovering in the center of my vision, I swiftly removed and replaced the potion-soaked paper at the back of the device. “These things can get expensive after a while.”

A beautiful instrument, I found myself once again marveling at the intricate balance of analogue clockwork, alchemy, and magic circuits that allowed the camera to function as well as it did. Replacing the “film” each shot was a nuisance, but the little square of paper was almost as efficient as the old Polaroid stuff back on Earth. Slowly, the ghostly figures of a handsome, scruffy-faced dovahkiin and a pint-sized Alduin began to emerge on the photo.

“Beautiful! Alright. We good to go?” I glanced over to where Spike was rubbing his eyes. “What’s taking Twilight Sparkle so long?”

“Ugh, come on, Twilight!” The little dragon called up to the unicorn’s room. “We’re gonna be late for the Nightmare Night festival.”

As if she had been waiting for her cue, Twilight appeared at the top of the stairs in a flourish of silky white hair and midnight-blue robes. Around her hooves, a dozen brass sleigh bells chuckled coyly from the edge of her cape and atop her head, a large conical hat waved like tree boughs in the wind. The infamous Star Swirl the Bearded. It seemed somehow fitting that Twilight Sparkle had decided to model her costume after the legendary unicorn. Though I personally didn’t know whether the writers meant for Star Swirl to become as important a character as he did, the fact remained that his influences in Equestrian history had created many, many ripples. Ripples that, more often than not, Twilight herself would be touched by. (I’m looking at you, Larson!)

The purple unicorn came down the stairs, as proud of her costume as a rooster on a runway. She spared no expense to capture the outfit’s authenticity and, to the perceptive eye, her efforts showed. Spike, however, didn’t appreciate the ensemble and instead focused on the flowing snowy beard hanging around Twilight’s neck.

“Huh? Are you that one kooky grandpa from Ponyville Retirement Village?” He asked. Twilight stopped strutting as if she had been slapped with a cold fish filet.

“Now, Spike! Don’t be rude.” I piped up. “Isn’t it obvious who she’s dressed as?”

“Thank you, Mark.” Twilight waved a hoof at me. “At least someone can appreciate-”

“Obviously, she liked our costume collaboration so much, she just had to contribute. Don’t you see? It’s Brother Wulfgar of the Greybeards.”

“I’m Star Swirl the Bearded!” Twilight snapped. “Father of the amniomorphic spell? Did either of you even read that book about obscure unicorn history?” She leveled an accusing hoof at us like a lance, but Spike and I were rescued by a timely knock on the door.

“Uh, that sounds important!” The little black dragon dashed past the unicorn’s scowl and swung open the entrance to the library. Instantly, he was faced with the hungry, chanting hordes I had forewarned him about. Specifically, a princess, an astronaut, a ladybug, a pirate, and an Apple.

“Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!” A chorus of voices assaulted the dragon, nearly knocking him off his feet. Twilight Sparkle and I came up behind him with the candy and the camera.

“Hi, everypony.” Twilight greeted. “Great costumes. Happy Nightmare Night, Granny Smith.” The poor old Apple standing behind the bright little faces looked like a piece of dried fruit judging by the way her eyelids sagged over her cheeks. The old mare mumbled,

“I should have been asleep five hours ago…” A stark contrast to the fizzing sugar-charged fillies around her.

Unlike my mom, I was not one to pause a perfectly picturesque moment and force everyone to pose for my camera. I lifted the box and fired off a shot, but just as the shutter clicked, the line of costumed candy collectors was split apart when who else but the smallest student in Cheerilee’s school leapt through their ranks. Pipsqueak may not have had the same quality sword prop as I, but his enthusiasm more than made up for the shortcoming as he valiantly threw himself into the role of a little buccaneer.

“Pipsqueak the pirate at your service.” He proclaimed.

“Oh, hey, Littlepip!” I smiled down at the pocket-sized pinto.

“It’s not ‘Littlepip’!” The colt bristled, “It’s ‘Pipsqueak’.”

“Got it.” I nodded somberly. “Pipsqueak the pirate. Mighty sailor of the local lake, caper of candies, and brave brigand. Jack Sparrow, Risky Boots and Edward Kenway would be green with envy.”

“You did a good job on your costume.” Twilight complimented.

“Thank you miss Twilight. It’s my very first Nightmare Night.” Pipsqueak explained.

“Since you moved here from Trottingham?”

“No, my very first Nightmare Night ever!”

“Oh, really? It’s Mark’s too.”

“And I’ve already got costume plans for next year.” There was a fervid glint in my eye as I added, “So, Pip? How would you feel about wearing a Stable Tec jumpsuit?” Before the little colt could answer, or even ask for clarification, a large feathery creature plowed its way through the group like a bulldozer, driving straight for the open door. My brain was so taken aback by the shape and agility of Pinkie Pie in her chicken costume that I at first thought a chocobo had come to town.

“B-Cawk! Enough chitchat! Time is candy!” The pink pony scolded. For emphasis, she lifted her own bag of sweet treats to her chin and began gobbling them up. Pinkie Pie’s head pecked so ferociously that her movements were more reminiscent of a woodpecker than a chicken.

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight glanced uncertainly from her friend to the crowd of little fillies and back again, “aren’t you a little old for this?”

“Too old for free candy!?” The chicken Pie squawked in shock. “Never!” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, but dutifully levitated a treat from her bowl into the pink mare’s bag. Pinkie Pie’s bright eyes followed the delicacy’s trajectory with a manic focus, like a dog watching a piece of steak float by. She didn’t even realize that Twilight was subtly posing in her jingling blue robes.

“Do you like it?” The purple unicorn lifted her bearded chin and flicked the bells along her hat. After a moment’s hesitation, Pinkie offered,

“Yeah! Great costume, Twilight! You make a fantastic weirdo clown!” There was a burst of movement, a flurry of feathers, and the passing sound of clucking, and all of a sudden Pinkie Pie was gone and Twilight’s candy bowl was as barren as Death Valley. The hen-horse had made off like a bandit before Twilight Sparkle could even sputter,

“A clown?”

“Don’t know what kind of circus she goes to.” I agreed. “I think you give off more of a ‘Merlin’ vibe.” Spike pulled the door shut and our group finally stepped out into the night.

“Look at the borders on these robes. These are hoof-stitched!” Twilight huffed.

“It’s a great costume… ‘Grandpa’!” Spike sniggered.

That did nothing to quell Twilight Sparkle’s frustration. She worked herself into an emotional juggernaut the likes of which I hadn’t seen since X-Men: The Last Stand. Her rant could’ve out-blusterd Egoraptor, gushing about the achievements of her old-world idol and expounding on all his legacy. Meanwhile, our group meandered between the dark Ponyville houses, each glowing from within like colossal jack-o-lanterns. Spike looted each one, gleaning a bountiful harvest of candy piece-by-piece until he could barely hold it all. The purple unicorn was still talking,

“… It’s like trying to explain how a boat floats without talking about buoyancy! How can the schools claim to teach astrological theory without mentioning Star Swirl the Bearded’s thesis on universal planes?”

“Right.” I nodded wearily. “After all, whose life is truly complete if they don’t know what the anime-morphic spell is?”

“Oh, just you wait! You’ll see,” Twilight flicked her hat out of her eyes, “Once you get through alchemist kindergarten, you’ll be dealing with nothing BUT the aminomorphic spell!”

“So, if he was such a great inventor of magic stuff, what does that make him? Was he and inventor, getting rich off his patents? Was he a scholar? Some sort of philosopher? Was he an individual researcher working on his projects, or was he a part of a team organized to solve world mysteries? Did he found a school like the College of Winterhold? Did he have an unfortunate run-in with something called the ‘Eye of Magnus’? Is that where you got his robes?”

“Star Swirl the Bearded is only the most important conjurer of the pre-classical era.” The little cosplayer explained patiently. “He created more than two hundred spells! He even has a shelf in the Canterlot Library of Magic named after him.”

I found myself nodding importantly. “Shelf” was an understatement if ‘It’s About Time’ was any indication.

“Maybe I should start up a pony group to teach ponies about history. I bet everypony would love it! Don’t you, Spike?” Twilight rubbed her chin thoughtfully, but to the little dragon, the sound of our conversation was akin to that of rain on a corrugated metal roof. He simply smiled and nodded his head periodically, chowing down on his candy treats as if they were Nord souls.

“I love it!” He murmured, jaws glued shut by gumdrops. Suddenly, Twilight stopped in her tracks and looked at the town around her as if seeing it for the first time. Alduin crashed into her hind leg, sending him and his collection of candies spilling over the ground.

“Hey look, we’re here already! Should we get something to eat?” The purple unicorn asked.

“I’m good.” I dusted off a caramel and popped it into my mouth. From his position on the ground, Spike burped in agreement.

Ponyville itself was as in-character for Nightmare Night as any of its residents. The town square was a patchwork of silky purple stalls, adorned with cardboard silhouettes of bat’s wings and silver crescent moons. Strings of pale lights hung in the air like spider webs and everywhere one turned, the unblinking eyes of Nightmare Moon were staring accusingly. The haunting decorations and the sounds of laughing ponies mixed like Oreos and peanut butter, fundamentally different, but not mutually exclusive. (Doubt me? Try it.) The combination of fear and fun created an elusive, but mesmerizing scene. Even the night sky had an elusive rosy glow to it.

“Oh, this just looks like too much fun.” I shook my head. “Let’s find the others. I’ve got over a decade of Halloweens I need to make up for.” But Pinkie Pie was already one step ahead of me. The chicken-garbed mare ran up the street with a caravan of little fillies following in her hoofsteps like a brood of chicks. When she got within hailing distance, her voice was even squeakier than usual.

“Twilight, Twilight! Look at our haul! Ah! Can you believe it?” Pinkie pie plunged her plumaged head into her plunder. Simply watching her was enough to make my pancreas flinch.

“I’m not fooling myself. Nightmare Night isn’t exactly a day to stick to your diet, but there’s got to be something around here that doesn’t make we want to swig a gallon of insulin, right?” My eyes swept around the various stalls, but all I saw were rows upon rows of toffies, taffies, truffles, and tarts. The only semi-wholesome foods around were the candied apples and the apple bobbing stations that the Apple family had set up.

“Mm? What was that?” Spike asked through a mouthful of shattered jawbreaker.

“Nothing.”

“-and then we went to Sugarcube Corner where we got these amazing jellies, and then we avoided the retirement home because we heard they’re just giving out raisins. I mean, who does that!? So, we swung around by the windmill where they set up a cotton candy machine, and…” Pinkie Pie continued narrating her strategic navigation of the town while Twilight listened patiently. In the time it took for our group to walk from the library to the town square, it seemed as if Pinkie and her posse had covered half of Ponyville. “-and then, we went to Cheerilee’s house and got a bunch more goodies. Didn’t we, Pip?”

“Sure did!” The pirate nodded his head enthusiastically.

I was right in the middle of trying to figure out how I could craft a model Pip-Buck, when a dark shape caught my eye. An amorphous shadow, like tattered cloth, snaked across the sky, blotting out the glimmering stars. It was small, but moved subtly and with purpose as if it was hunting. Only an instant before it reached our group did I realize what it was.

“Pinkie? Hey, Pinkie!”

“…we had to stop and wait for Granny Smith, and-”

“Watch out-” But my words were drowned out by an ear-splitting roar. A shard of lightning, jagged as glass, cut through the sky, bleaching the town square in harsh white light and deafening us with the sound of its boiling thunderclap.

Pinkie Pie made a noise halfway between a scream and a squawk and shot off down the road like a blood-doping Speedy Gonzales. The little group of fillies she had been traveling with screamed as well and stampeded in suit, their costumes wild and askew. Above the whole scene, Rainbow Dash way lying atop her storm cloud, all four hooves kicking the air in a fit of laughter.

“Rainbow Dash, that wasn’t very nice.” Twilight Sparkle held onto her hat as she looked up at the mischievous pegasus.

“I agree.” I folded my arms. “Though I have to admit, I’m loving the costume, Rainbow Dash.”

“You grumpy old-timers need to lighten up. This is the best night of the year for pranks!” The pegasus’s black-and-gold Shadowbolt mask grinned down on us like a mischievous luchador.

“Look what you did to Spike!” The purple unicorn gestured to the ground where the dragon was wheezing like a rubber duck, his lungs working furiously to dislodge a piece of candy.

“Aw, it’s all in good fun.” Even from behind her mask, I could sense Rainbow’s eyes already scanning the town for her next target. “Ooh, ooh! There’s another group over there!” And before Twilight could object, the dark lump of cloud skated off over the rooftops. There was a distant flash, the sound of screaming ponies, and Rainbow Dash’s laughter rose once more into the night. Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, and lay Spike on her back.

“I don’t get how scaring ponies is supposed to be fun.” She muttered.

“Me neither.” I shook my head. “But so long as nopony’s in danger, I can’t discourage her. Anyway, let’s go this way. I think I saw Applejack set up shop over there.”

A number of games and activity stations had been set up just on the far side of the town square. Pumpkin catapults, pie eating contests, and apple-bobbing vats filled with green water served as a reminder that Nightmare Night was as much a harvest celebration as it was a masquerade. Of course, no one was better equipped to cater such a festival as our very own Sweet Apple Acres. The Apple family had clocked in overtime the past week, with over twenty percent of their harvest going to the celebration.

“Oh, that’s what we should’ve done!” I bopped myself on the head as soon as I saw Applejack in her scarecrow costume. “We should have done a ‘Wizard of Oz’ theme. Fluttershy would be the lion, you, Twilight, would be Dorothy with Spike as Toto…”

“Who would be the wizard, then?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Well, we’d just have to ask the ‘Grrreat and Powerful Trrrixie’ to join us, wouldn’t we?” I popped my hands open like fireworks and trilled my ‘r’s for all they were worth. At the mention of her unofficial rival, Twilight only shook her head, but at least she was smiling.

“Happy Nightmare Night, Applejack!” She hailed the earth pony. Applejack turned away from a vat of apples she had been restocking, her scarecrow garb rustling with the movement.

“Howdy, Spike, Mark! Hey, Twilight!” Applejack’s eyes narrowed in a grin. “Nice costume.”

“Thanks! I’m a dragon.” The baby drake scooped up the compliment like a pelican catching a fish. Twilight and I both stared at him.

“She means me, Spike.”

“Of course, because she couldn’t possibly mean me.” I folded my arms. Applejack clarified herself by continuing,

“With that beard, I recon’ you’re some sorta country music singer.” The orange mare poked at the long white beard hanging from the librarian’s neck. Spike and I began giggling to ourselves, much to Twilight’s chagrin.

“Close, Applejack. She’s actually a rock singer.”

“She is not!” The unicorn barked.

“Oh, come on. You can’t tell me that you and a pair of sunglasses wouldn’t blend right in on a ZZ Top stage.” Spike didn’t get the reference, but he laughed all the same.

“At least I have a beard.” Twilight jabbed at me.

“I have… part of a beard!”

“What percentage of a beard do you have?”

“I don’t think you get to criticize the boy’s bristles when you’ve got a fake one tied to your chin, hon.” Applejack cut in.

“Thank you, AJ.”

“Could’ve just asked Twilight to use her growing spell.” Spike put in.

“It’s not the same.” I stroked my cheek. “When, and I do mean ‘when’, I grow a crop of hair on my jaw, it will be on my own power and cultivation. At this point, it’s a matter of pride.” Twilight Sparkle made a coughing noise from behind her hoof,

“If it’s a matter of pride, then you’re remarkably humble…”

“What was that, Twi?”

“Well, beard or no, while y’all are here, you feel like bobbin’ for an apple?” The earth pony gestured behind her to where Golden Harvest and Derpy were fishing for the floating fruits. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, Derpy so much so that she accidentally plunged her whole body into the water in pursuit of a red delicious. When the grey pegasus came back up, however, she had the drain plug caught between her teeth instead of her prize.

“I’d love to, but in a minute,” I craned my head to get a better view above all the ghouls, golems and ghosts crowding the streets. A certain cloaked figure with spiders woven into her black-and-white mane had just ducked behind the stage erected in the town square. “I think I see my sensei.”

“Your what now?”

“That’s what he calls Zecora.” Twilight explained.

“Well, I can’t pronounce her native word for ‘teacher’. It’s like, n’gamba? Mmbgambe? Anyway, I had a question I needed to ask her.”

“Now might not be a good time, Mark.” Applejack noted. “It looks like she’s getting’ ready for the evening’s storytellin’. What’d you have to ask her, about?”

“About this.” I plucked a glass orb out of my costume about the size and shape of a lightbulb. It was a potion bottle, my latest creation, filled with what looked like a combination of smurf pee and soggy snake skin. I’d seen Applejack bite into raw lemons, take a skunk blast to the face and even survive Rainbow Dash’s cooking, (don’t ask) but as soon as she saw that vial, her face turned queasy.

“What in tarnation?”

“It’s not supposed to look like that. At least, I don’t think so.” I hastily explained. “I tried to make a mild sleeping potion. Specifically, one designed to cut through a sugar rush and get little fillies to sleep easier after eating so much candy. I was going to sell them to weary mares and sires for their foals, but something went wrong.”

“Is that why my lab smelled funny?” Twilight wondered.

“Lookin’ for a little extra pocket money?” Applejack chided.

“Yes, I realize how very Flim Flam-esque this may sound, but it’s not an unscrupulous business venture, honest! I just needed the extra coin and there’s an opening in Ponyville for cheap elixirs. It’s smart marketing.”

“Flim flam. That’s a funny word.” Spike giggled. Then it was my turn to feel queasy. I had completely forgotten that the two charlatan unicorns, Flam and Flim, hadn’t actually visited Ponyville yet. Fortunately for me, ‘flim flam’ is an actual term, and Applejack didn’t seem to catch that I misused it.

“But what do you need more money for?” Twilight Sparkle pressed. “Last I heard, you were financially sound.” I bit my lip as I glanced over my shoulder at her,

“Uh… Coffee runs to Canterlot?” I still hadn’t told her that Cherry Berry had wiped out my savings during the Discord fiasco. Not that I ever could, anyway. How would I explain the fact that I had ordered the balloon before anypony knew we needed it?

“Well, I’ll let you go, then. See y’all later, Mark.”

“Thanks! I’ll catch up with you girls later.” And I quickly excused myself. Behind me, I could still hear the girls saying,

“That potions bug really put a bee in his bonnet, hasn’t it?”

“I think it’s a good thing. He’s working hard and he loves it.”

“Probably for the best. Come next month, there won’t be much left to do on the farm…”

I smiled to myself. Sooner or later, I’d have to find a way to break the news to Applejack that, if I were given an ultimatum, I’d easily give up being a farmhand to become a full-time alchemist. I preferred the mental challenge and, if one could craft a good reputation, the prestige that came with the title “alchemist”. That is, I would, if I ever got past the “kindergarten” stage of my studies. Up to that point, I’d only been able to break down plants to their basic arcana. A far cry from Zecora’s conjuring. I finally caught my mentor’s attention,

“Evening, Zecora!” I beamed at her. “Nice costume. Er, that is a costume, right?”

“Good evening, Mark, so nice to meet you here.

And yes, though dressed as a witch, you have nothing to fear.

You know, I do not don’t cast curses, but instead set things right,

But I thought I’d change my disguise on this holiday night.”

“Well, it looks very authentic. But actually, if you’re not busy, I had a question I wanted to ask you.”

“Hm?”

“Yeah, see, about that potion I asked you about last week,” I showed her the failed mixture. “it didn’t really turn out.” Zecora took one glance at the potion and immediately laughed,

“Your problem, so common, is clear to me.

You did not preheat the nut milk before adding the droopbell tea.”

“And that’s why it looks like a brain in a jar?” I jiggled the little vessel, causing the mass inside to bob like a jellyfish. “The milk curdled?”

“Root oils could make the clumps disappear,

But if I were you, I’d practice and try again next year.

Drinking it now, I would not recommend,

As it would give you the runs and repel all your friends.”

“Oh… That’s unnecessarily descriptive.” I wrinkled my nose.

At that moment, there was the sound of cheering from the other side of the stage. Zecora and I looked up to see the mayor of Ponyville standing behind a podium, dressed in a fluffy rainbow wig and boat-sized clown shoes. She was in the middle of welcoming all the ponies to the festival and thanking them for their assistance in organizing it.

“Keep up the good work, you should be proud,

But for now, I’ve been asked to tell a story to the little ones in the crowd.”

“Oh, that’s right! You’re helping out the mayor. Well, good luck out there. I’ll be listening as well.”

The zebra reached into her cloak and withdrew a pinch of what looked like sparkly green ash. She tossed it onto the stage where it immediately erupted into a glowing emerald cloud. She stepped through it like one parting a veil and when she addressed the audience, her voice had become silky and mysterious,

“Follow me, and very soon,

You’ll hear the tale of Nightmare Moon.” A hush fell over the crowd at the appearance of the ghostly figure.

The fillies in the crowd looked up at her with awestruck expressions, and wordlessly followed the zebra’s command. She led them away from the relative safety of the town square and into a nearby arm of the Everfree forest where the shadows were deep and the air was cool. It didn’t matter who they were dressed as, princess, wolf, vampire, or pirate, all the little ponies grew strangely subdued under the whispering boughs of the trees. Twilight Sparkle, Spike, the mayor and myself watched the little procession from a few paces back while Zecora set her stage. She led the group up to a dark statue that had been set up, a menacing portrayal of Nightmare Moon, and began,

“Listen close, my little dears,

I’ll tell you where you got your fears.” Her voice was as soft as the night, and just as chilling.

“Of Nightmare Night, so dark and scary.

Of Nightmare Moon, who makes you wary.” I caught a glimpse of Zecora drawing more green power from her robes and suddenly the little forest clearing was alight with billowing dust. A shape manifested from the vapors, a cloud of glowing light that rose like a serpent’s head. All the little fillies gasped as the figure adopted sharp teeth and piercing eyes, a living replica of Nightmare Moon. With a single motion, it dove into the audience, and vanished, scattering clouds of smog between them. But despite its sudden disappearance, one could not help but feel as if its malicious eyes were still peering through the mists.

Even I got caught up in the moment. Not just because I wanted to savor the whole experience, (I already knew the gist of it from the episode) but because this time I could fully appreciate Zecora’s mastery of arcane arts. Although it was technically a combination of alchemy and geomancy, her performance still looked like unicorn magic. My working theory was that the zebra had filled the clearing with reactive particles and was projecting an image onto them like a movie theatre, but she also could have been puppeteering a mirage. Of course, both guesses were probably wrong.

Zecora entranced her young audience as masterfully as she brewed a potion. It wasn’t enough to simply tell the story of Nightmare Moon, the fillies had to feel that they were a part of the tale as well. Their candy, their own fright, even the disguises they wore all had a part to play in the legend of when nightmares roamed the forest. Whatever she had been before, Nightmare Moon had become Equestria’s nameless fear. The boogey man. The spook. She was the shadow in the corner of your eye. It was her malice that caused you to fear the dark. It was her hunger that thirsted after your unwary soul.

By the end of Zecora’s presentation, all the fillies (and Pinkie Pie) were more than happy to sacrifice their treasure trove of candy if it meant distracting “Nightmare Moon” from devouring them. As per tradition, candies were flung at the grey stone hooves of the nightmare’s statue before the group of ponies beat a hasty retreat back into the lights of Ponyville. However, just as Pinkie Pie overturned her own sack of goodies, something unexpected happened.

A cold breeze, sudden and unyielding, swept through the little clearing. All at once, Zecora’s clouds of green ash were dispelled and the thread of her story unraveled. Everypony looked uneasily at the sky where large swaths of coal-black clouds were closing in like theatre curtains. It was only with this sudden change that I realized how utterly still the night had been before. Every eye was turned upwards and every breath was held, except for Pinkie Pie, that is. Even with her gaze focused on the clouds, I caught her trying to shovel candy back into her bag. Finally, in a burst of cold white light, a shape fell towards Ponyville.

“What’s that thing Bane says? ‘Speak of the devil, and he shall appear’? Ooh! I just thought of another costume collaboration.”

The object was larger than a pegasus, but smaller than any airship. It was a sky chariot, a soaring vehicle with a long hull sculpted like a black marble spearhead and pulled through the sky by two muscular winged stallions. Their featherless bat’s wings guided the craft through the swirling wind while their lone passenger sat serenely in her seat. The Princess of the Night had arrived.

“It’s Nightmare Moon! Run!” Fueled by sugar and panic, Pinkie Pie bolted back towards Ponyville with all the fillies hot on her tail. Ironically, that was also the destination of the sky chariot. It swooped low over the treetops, scattering leaves into the growling wind.

“Come on!” I gestured to Twilight and we joined Zecora and the mayor as they hurried back into town.

Just as our feet (and hooves) touched cobblestone, the chariot stopped. It hung in the air like a gavel until its single occupant confidently stepped off her platform and drifted down through the rooftops. With the way her heavy cloak rose around her and the lightness with which her silver-clad hooves touched the streets, the princess gave off an air as tragic and beautiful as watching a flower petal sink through water. Even when she doffed her hood and Ponyville got their first real look at their princess, it was with the same serene poise and iron grace.

“Princess Luna!” Twilight Sparkle gasped. She and I seemed to be the only ones smiling at the arrival of Equestria’s ruler. The rest of the ponies in the square were silent, glancing at each other uneasily, even wearing expressions of utter confusion. Without any better course of action, many of them merely bowed to the ground and hid their faces with the rest quickly following suit. It didn’t help make her look any less intimidating when her cloak evaporated into a cloud of flitting bats, or that she lifted her alicorn wings to their fullest extent. Princess Luna inclined her chin and cut through the awkward silence,

“CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE,” Her voice boomed, “WE HAVE GRACED YOUR TINY VILLAGE WITH OUR PRESENCE SO THAT YOU MIGHT BEHOLD THE REAL PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT! A CREATURE OF NIGHTMARES NO LONGER, BUT INSTEAD, A PONY WHO DESIRES YOUR LOVE AND ADMIRATION!”

“Wow. Not one to beat around the bush, is she?” As expected, nopony around me knew how to properly respond to that declaration. The princess continued,

“TOGETHER, WE SHALL CHANGE THIS DREADFUL CELEBRATION INTO A BRIGHT AND GLORIOUS FEAST!” The distinction between Luna’s voice and a thunder clap was made even blurrier as the end of her sentence was punctuated by a rolling echo of real thunder from her storm clouds. It was spectacular, but only served to muddle the meaning of her words further.

“Did you hear that, everypony? Nightmare Moon says she’s gonna feast on us all!” Pinkie Pie scampered to her hooves and once more flew into a panic, scattering candy wrappers and feathers in all directions. And, once more, her underage entourage followed suit. Now it was Princess Luna’s turn to look confused.

“What? No, children, no! You no longer have reason to fear us. Screams of delight are what your princess desired, not screams of terror!”

At that point, I thought it was high time for some interference.

“Princess Luna! Welcome to Ponyville!” My solitary voice floated above the pony’s heads. Ignoring the shocked stares cast up at me, ignoring the fact that Spike was tugging my cuirass, and ignoring how feeble my voice sounded compared to the princess’s, I began to wade my way through the crowd.

Out of all the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I found none so confusing or a moral so feeble as those presented in ‘Luna Eclipsed’. Despite watching the episode more than twice, I still couldn’t fathom why Ponyville, a locale famed for its hospitality and forgiveness, would present such a cold reception to their princess. In my mind, it was insensitive of them to behave in such a way towards a pony who clearly needed their help and acceptance, so I felt it was my duty as a Ponyvill-ite and friend to break the ice. (In lieu of our usual ice-breaker, Pinkie Pie.)

“AND TO YOU, YOUNG MARK! WE BID THEE GOOD EVENING!” The princess turned her powerful vocal chords on me and the resulting shockwave nearly blew my helmet off.

“It’s an honor to have you visit our humble town.” I simultaneously bowed and cast a glance at the faces around me as if to say, ‘Right? Guys?’. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“WE HAVE COME FOR REASON OF THIS FARCE OF A CELEBRATION THAT HAS BEEN CULTIVATED IN OUR ABSANCE!” Luna spoke as if her very voice could vanquish the caricatures of her hanging around the town. (To her credit, it probably could.) “SUCH MISAPPROPRIATION WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED AND WE HAVE COME TO SHOW OUR SUBJECTS THE ERRORS OF PROPOGATING SUCH INACCURATE TRADITIONS!”

“Well, I believe we have just the pony to talk to about that.” I gestured towards a fluffy rainbow wig pressed tightly to the ground. “Mayor Mare? May I introduce you to her highness, Princess Luna?”

The wig shivered like jelly and a squeaking noise rose from the mare as she looked up, but I chose to believe it came from her clown nose. Princess Luna took a pace towards the mayor and jabbed a foreleg at her.

“MADAME MAYOR, THY PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT HATH ARRIVED!” With a small gasp, the mayor’s face vanished beneath her wig again. Both Luna and I blinked in surprise.

“What is the matter with you?” Luna’s voice lost its edge. I agreed; the pony’s reactions were unprecedented. The princess turned her gaze to another pony. Then another and another. All of them shied away like abused puppies.

“Very well, then. BE THAT WAY!” After the slightest of hesitations, Princess Luna actually retreated from the ponies. “WE WON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL FAREWELL.” Despite how she carried her head high and marched out of the town square with measured stride, it seemed to me that the strength had suddenly vanished from the princess’s demeanor. Her throat was tight and her eyes shimmered more than before.

“What on earth was that!?” In shock, I turned back towards the mayor. “Madam Mayor, what was that all about? How is that any way to welcome a princess?”

“What-what should I have said?” The bright red nose looked up at me helplessly. “I didn’t expect to be meeting a princess so suddenly. And she looked so angry!”

“Unbelievable…” I shook my head. “If you had said anything, it would have been better than that!” My words may have been sharp, but they were fire-and-forget. I spun on my heel and began trotting after the princess. By unspoken accord, Twilight Sparkle wound her way through the crowd to join me and together we pursued the lonely figure of Princess Luna. Our path led right back to the foot of Nightmare Moon’s statue.

The mare of the night lay on the ground like an abandoned rose. Her breathing was slow and deep and the aura of her mane rippled heavily. The sneering stone image above her cast a heavy shadow, pressing unyieldingly upon her shoulders and suffocating her in the silent indictment of her past sins. It was a dreadful poetry, and it stunned me into silence to see it so starkly portrayed in front of my own eyes. It was Twilight Sparkle who finally cleared her throat and broke the spell,

“Princess Luna?” Instantly, the princess’s head lifted to its former posture. “Hi, my name is-”

“Star Swirl the Bearded.” Luna looked down her muzzle at the pair of us. “Commendable costume! Though even got the bells right.”

“Thank you! Finally! Somepony who gets my costume!” The purple unicorn smirked up at me.

“Plot twist: I never said I DIDN’T know who Star Swirl was.” I folded my arms and smirked back. “And I’m sorry, but you’re kind of fun to fluster.”

“Hmmph!” My friend snorted.

“Anyway!” With an apologetic smile, I turned back to Luna. “You probably don’t know who I’m dressed as, but-”

“You must be Scorpan. Her Star Swirl the Bearded costume is more accurate, but we admire the collaboration between you two.”

“Scorpan?” My smile dropped like an autumn leaf. “Who’s- oh! You mean SCORPAN, Scorpan? Wow. I didn’t even think of that. Guess it makes sense, though. Horns? Check.” (Well, ears, horns, same thing.) “Biped? Check. Hairy? You should have seen the look on Rarity’s face when I bought up all her faux fur.”

“If not Star Swirl the Bearded’s friend, then who-?”

“Just a hero from Earth stories. Not even a traditional hero, either. I actually wish I had come up with your idea earlier. That would have been a good co-op, right, Twi?”

“I’m still trying to understand how you know who Scorpan is.” The unicorn wondered. “How much history do you know?”

“Only the relevant parts…” I muttered half-heartedly. My eye caught the uncomfortable expression on Princess Luna’s face. Despite my attempts to lighten up the mood, it was still plain to see that she didn’t know why Twilight and I had interrupted her melancholy. The purple unicorn offered,

“Uh, we just came to welcome you to our celebration. My actual name is-”

“Twilight Sparkle.” Luna puffed out her chest and engaged her caps lock, “IT WAS THOU WHO UNLEASHED THE POWERS OF HARMONY UPON US AND TOOK AWAY OUR DARK MIGHT! Twilight fought to recover from the sudden burst of gusto.

“And… that was a good thing, right?”

“BUT OF COURSE!” The princess continued as if she were giving a speech at an assisted living facility. “WE COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. IS THAT NOT CLEAR?”

“Well, you kinda sound like you’re yelling at me.” Twilight glanced towards me for help.

“BUT THIS IS THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! IT IS TRADITION TO SPEAK USING THE ROYAL ‘WE’ AND TO USE SUCH VOLUME WHEN ADDRESSING OUR SUBJECTS!”

“First I’ve heard it.” (Technically not a lie) “If I remember correctly, you didn’t command so much, shall we say, ‘presence’, at the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“’TWAS SIMPLE COUTESY, MARK.” The booming voice turned on me. “SUCH PROJECTION IS NOT REQUIRED WHEN ONE SPEAKS FROM WITIN THE PALACE.”

“I guess that makes sense. But you take the concept of an ‘inside voice’ to a whole new level.” Couldn’t blame her, though. The thought of having a Gala a thousand years ago full of ponies all trying to use the royal Canterlot voice at the same time was terrifying. Not to mention, Luna had also told me that she didn’t exactly want to be the center of attention when I first met her.

“You know,” Twilight offered, “that might explain why your appearance was met with... mixed results. I think if you just changed your approach a bit, you might be met with a warmer reception.”

“Fallacy!” I jabbed a finger at my friend. “I think it’s the townsponies who are at fault here. Princess Luna came all this way to celebrate with them, to acquaintance herself with them, and to perhaps dispel some of the rumors circulating about her and what do they do? They alienate her! They hide from her! Sure, there might be some strange thousand-year-old cultural differences to muddle communications, but they didn’t even try to overcome that! Their muzzles kissed dirt and didn’t come up again until she had left.” Even though I was trying to defend her, my words brought a pained expression to Luna’s eyes.

“Mark, you mentioned that America doesn’t have any royalty,”

“Unless you count Hollywood.”

“so you may not understand this, but having a princess approach you is a very big deal. You’ve seen how excited the whole town gets when Princess Celestia stops by for tea. The entire day is focused on her. Nopony was expecting Princess Luna to visit and I think most of them were just embarrassed.”

“Ok, I’ll buy that. Grudgingly, but I’ll buy it.” I pouted. “But it still just shows how much she’s putting herself out there, you’d think at least a couple ponies would do the same in response.”

“DO NOT BLAME OUR SUBJECTS FURTHER” The big voice was back. “THEY HAVE REASON TO FEAR US AND OUR UMBER MAGICS. ALL THEY KNOW OF US IS OUR SHAMEFUL PAST AND WE HAVE DONE NOTHING YET TO ATONE FOR IT. THEIR WARINESS IS NO MORE THAN WE DESERVE.”

“What?” Now it was my turn to look pained. “Please don’t say that, princess. Don’t ever say that. You’ve already been forgiven by your sister and by us, so don’t compare comeuppance against atonement anymore. Please?” Luna didn’t answer.

“I’ve got an idea.” Twilight piped up. “If you really want to appear softer and less intimidating, I’ll take you to meet my friend Fluttershy. She’s delicate and demure with the sweetest little voice.”

“Call me Toph, but I fail to see how that could help.” I snapped my fingers. “Just thought of another costume collaboration.”

“Think about it, Mark. Fluttershy’s very meek and easy to approach.”

“Easy to approach, yes, but hard to connect with. If I remember correctly, you girls and I are the first friends she’s had besides her animals. You think somehow that demeanor will just transfer over to Princess Luna?”

“Well, if we’re going to help the princess change her approach, it would help to have an example.” Twilight Sparkle shrugged.

“CHANGE OUR APPROACH?” Luna asked.

“Lower the volume?”

“Ohh…” The princess blinked. “We have been locked away for a thousand years. We are not sure we can.”

“Besides, Mark,” Twilight began walking in the direction of the yellow pegasus’s cottage, “If the princess can connect with Fluttershy, she can connect with anypony!”

“I suppose…” I sighed. “It’s worth a knock.”

I was still convinced that Luna was not the one at fault in this episode. She had already suffered through more than a lifetime’s worth of misery, and it felt disrespectful to force her to change further. Yet, Twilight had more insight into pony culture and courtesies than I and even the princess admitted that she was willing (and needed) to adapt to suit this new world and her new subjects. In the end, that’s all that really mattered. Yet, no matter how many times I turned the scenario over in my head, something still felt out of place and every time I attempted to isolate the problem, the image of Pinkie Pie in a chicken suit appeared. My mind continued to formulate back-up plans for when Twilight’s ‘Operation: Shy’ failed.

Fluttershy’s cottage looked even humbler than normal, if that was even possible. I had expected the door to be shut tight and the windows dark, but I hadn’t expected the chimney to be plugged up or rags stuffed under the door or the welcome mat to be missing. It looked as if the tiny little abode wanted to vanish into the very hill it was built on. I found myself unable to imagine whether Fluttershy would have the interior of the cottage completely dark, for fear of attracting visitors, or completely lit, for fear of the dark.

As our group crept nearer, the silence was almost stifling. The loudest source of sound was the mumbling brook we walked over, and when Twilight Sparkle finally lifted a hoof to knock on the door, the sound was nigh deafening.

That is, until Fluttershy unleashed her Thu’um.

“GO AWAY! NO CANDY HERE! VISITORS NOT WELCOME ON NIGHTMARE NIGHT!” Twilight, Luna and I flinched at the sudden outburst.

“That sounded more like a Fus Ro Dah* than her usual Kaan Drem Ov**…” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. Twilight cast a reassuring glance up at the princess and bravely leaned back towards the door,

“Fluttershy? It’s me, Twilight.” There was a moment of hesitation and then a brief scuffling from inside the house, like the sound of furniture being dragged away from the door. Eventually, the entrance cracked open and Futtershy’s timid eye peered out at us. (I also noted that the interior beyond the pegasus was dark.)

“It is you.” A mixture of surprise, relief and confusion laced the yellow pony’s voice. She dared to open the door wider. “And Mark, and ah, Nightmare Moon… Nightmare Moon!?”

“Aaannd, she’s gone.” I frowned as the door clamped shut faster than a Venus fly trap. My bearded friend laughed nervously.

“Wait right here.” And, settling her large blue hat firmly on her head, Twilight Sparkle tugged the door open and vanished inside. From where Luna and I stood, the sounds of a terrific scuffle could be heard, complete with kicked-over chairs, scraped floorboards and yipping horses. The princess’s jaw had set itself into a hard, icy line. Once again, she wasn’t exactly feeling the love.

“Wilt thou not aid her?” She asked casually.

“I fought Fluttershy once before during the Discord thing.” I yawned. “Earned me a black eye, too. Took the Elements of Harmony to get the swelling down. I’m good, thanks.” Twilight Sparkle didn’t have a black eye when she returned, pushing a petrified Fluttershy in front of her, but her false beard did look worse for the ordeal. She grunted,

“Fluttershy… You remember Princess Luna?” The alicorn inclined her head towards the petrified pegasus.

“CHARMED.”

“Likewise.” Fluttershy faltered.

I wandered away from the group a bit and rested my elbows on a low wooden railing. I still wasn’t convinced of Twilight’s problem-solving strategy and I was still unable to decipher the mystery that was ‘Luna Eclipsed’.

As far as I could recall, the episode was merely the same running gag over and over again until the finale finally ended it. Luna appeals to the ponies over and over again and consequently gets her feelings stomped on over and over again by rude individuals who refuse to look beyond her past and see that she just wants to connect with them. Rinse and repeat this vicious and unfair cycle until Twilight Sparkle suddenly says ‘it’s all in good fun’ and then the situation is magically resolved. Why? Because friendship!

“Hmmph!” I snorted. Just putting the scenario in those words caused my blood to run hot.

A distant scream split the air. I lifted my eyes just in time to see a neon-pink pony and a hoard of young ponies fleeing down the road. Pinkie Pie had triggered her third fear-for-all since the princess had arrived. Fourth or fifth, if you were counting the entire evening.

“Getting real tired of your Wuld Nah Kest***, Pinkie Pie.” I inhaled sharply. The pink chicken’s appearance was almost too coincidental to simply write off as television anymore. I got the distinct impression that Pinkie Pie was intentionally seeking out Luna just to run from her again. And with each cycle, it was getting harder for the princess to conceal her hurt.

“Nay, children, no, wait…” The intimidating gusto had fallen from Luna’s voice, but it was impossible to tell if this was from Fluttershy’s “training”, or from the renewed rejection.

“Don’t take it too seriously, princess.” I offered, returning to where the girls stood. “Especially concerning Pinkie Pie. They’re just being, well, silly.” (And, by “silly”, of course, I meant they were being bratty little horse apples.) Despite how more and more of my thoughts were painting Pinkie Pie as the evening’s antagonist, I managed to summon a bright visage for the princess, “If we’re all done here, we can finally clear things up for real.”

“Oh? What’s your plan?” Twilight asked.

“The ponies don’t know how to approach you, right? There’s a social disconnect?” Luna’s ears folded back at my words, but I smiled all the brighter. “So, we tear down those barriers. We get you among the ponies, interacting with them, playing with them, learning about them as they learn about you.” And, cue ‘Getting to Know You’ from The King and I.

“My thoughts exactly, and I know just the pony to get us off on the right hoof.” The purple unicorn gently touched Luna’s shoulder. “Come on, princess. Time for ‘plan B’.”

It should come as no surprise to anyone reading this that the pony Twilight had in mind was none other than down-to-earth Applejack. The farm pony was hospitable, encouraging, perceptive and trusted by all the other townsponies. And so, since the princess had learned how to forego her diaphragm when talking, it looked as if Applejack’s outdoor events were the perfect place to ease into social interactions.

Without the princess around, the town square had reverted to its normal joviality. Everywhere, the burbling sounds of ponies talking could be heard, a live band had taken the stage, and even the pumpkin catapults had been fired up. A stark contrast to the heavy heart I was walking beside.

You’d think that a dragon-slayer, a hairy wizard and a lunar goddess would fit right in at a costume party, but as we pressed back into Ponyville, we felt as alienated as a trio of oil droplets in a glass of water. Wherever the princess glanced, ponies shriveled under her gaze. Our path left a swath of bodies behind us that not even Kratos could match. Embarrassment was pouring off the Princess of the Night and Twilight and I were close enough to shower in it.

“It is of no use, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna’s eyes swept over another knot of ponies. “They have never liked us. And they never shall.” My stomach writhed as if I had just swallowed a live eel.

“Princess,” I whispered, “You can’t say that.”

“We speak only of what we see.” Her voice was steely. “There is no rest to be found amongst our presence. Perhaps it would be best for all if we were to remove ourselves from this… carnival.”

“Is that why you were so quick to excuse yourself when you first arrived?” The thought was very humbling. “You didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable on your account?”

No answer.

“That’s considerate of you, princess, but unnecessary.” I nodded to Twilight Sparkle. “We’ll clear this up, I promise.”

“That is gracious of you to say, but prithee, do not promise that which is beyond thy power.” I gave a dry laugh,

“Perhaps I should have dressed as John-117, then. Because ‘when I make a girl a promise, I keep it!’” And just like that, the episode became personal. I saw too much of myself in Luna to leave it be. Were it not for the girls, I would have had a hard time integrating with Equestrian society and now it was my turn to return the favor. It was stupid for Luna to encounter such resistance when all she wanted to do was dispel misunderstandings, and I was willing (and able) to use all my power as a brony-in-Equestria to deliver the happy ending she deserved. From beneath my horned helmet, my eyes began scanning for any sign of the notorious Pinkie Pie. Little Pip was over by the apple bobbing station with Applejack, but the chicken nugget herself was nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Applejack!” Twilight caught the earth pony’s attention.

“Hey, Twi-uh!” At the sight of Princess Luna standing behind her, Applejack collapsed onto the ground like a boneless… well… scarecrow. Twilight leaned forward,

“Uh, Applejack? The princess is looking for a little advice on how to fit in around here.”

“’Fit in’? Really?” Like Mr. Gibbs, AJ could always be counted on the say what everyone was thinking. Twilight leered at the earth pony while I made a helpless gesture towards the princess. To our relief, Applejack quickly registered what we were trying to do and her old-fashioned hospitality kicked into high gear.

“I mean… that’s easy!” She popped up like a daisy and sidled right up to her highness. “All you gotta do is have the right attitude. Loosen up a bit! Be positive! Play a few games, have some fun.” Pretty much everything I had already said, but less dramatic and broody.

“Fun?” Luna hefted her royal eyebrow. “What is this ‘fun’ thou speakest of?”

A frown pulled my mouth down while my brow arched in surprise.

“Deah me. Zis case isht more serious than I zought!” Apparently, ‘fun’ was either a recent invention or a frivolity that the princess had long ago cut out of her schedule.

Fortunately, Applejack didn’t miss a beat. She led our group over to where a row of what looked like fish nets were hung on spindly frames next to buckets of Velcro spiders. The good ‘ol spider toss. Like any good lawn game, the rules were simple enough to be instinct, yet challenging enough for fierce competition. Within moments, the invisible starch that had bound Luna’s limbs began to fall away and a smile actually broke across her face.

I won the first game, throwing overhand, but the princess beat me in the rematch and then went on to a decisive victory against Twilight. All the while, I kept casting furtive glances behind me and saw, to my satisfaction, a growing crowd of curious onlookers. At first, they were wary, then intrigued, then finally they too began to join the princess.

After Luna moved on to the pumpkin catapults, I casually offered to find some snacks for her and vanished into the crowd. My real mission, of course, was to plant myself by the corner of a food stall and keep an eye out for anypony who would dare disrupt the princess’s ‘fun’ tutelage. As far as I could tell, Big Bird still hadn’t returned.

“May I have a moment?” A lofty voice quipped from beside me. With half an elephant ear still clamped between my teeth, I spun around to see a bright red nose and a fluffy rainbow wig.

“Mayor Mare!” I quickly swallowed. “How can I help you?”

“Well, that’s just it. You’ve done a marvelous job.”

“Huh?” My face fell blank.

“I wanted to thank you for stepping up and entertaining the princess for us. I know things were a little rocky there for a moment, but you’ve really pulled through and I can’t tell you what a relief it is to see Nightm- I mean, Princess Luna enjoying our little town.”

“Well, it wasn’t all me, you know. Twilight had a hoof in welcoming the princess too.” I glanced back to the alicorn’s growing crowd of admirers. There was a thud as a pumpkin shattered against its target and a hearty cheer filled the air. (It was uncanny how good Luna was at artillery games.)

“Oh, for sure! It’s just, I felt I owed you my personal gratitude after my little, well, hiccup earlier this evening. And I’m so glad I was able to catch you like this.” The Mayor adjusted her nose over her muzzle. “I wanted to ask you about a couple ideas I had for making the princess fell more welcome. Now that it looks like she’s staying, that is.”

“Sure…” My mouth answered automatically, but my attention was above the mayor and a little to the right. A large flightless bird had just ducked behind the candied chestnut stand.

“Excellent. Now, I know a parade is a little ambitious to organize on such short notice, but I thought it would be nice if we converted the stage into a banquet table and perhaps held a little costume competition in front of the princess. Of course, we can fetch the nice chair for her and as for the prizes-”

“I don’t know… it looks like she’s having fun with just the way things are.” I began leaning to and fro, partly to get a better view across the square, but also as a not-so-subtle hint to the mayor that I wasn’t listening.

“Well, of course, but she is a princess, after all, and it just wouldn’t do to have her come and go without so much as a welcoming committee. If you’re free, could I count on you to rearrange some of the hanging lights? You see, I thought we could…” The mayor babbled on for a few seconds longer while a severe case of the fidgets seized me. I tapped my foot, cleared my throat, even cantered in place, but nothing penetrated the obtuse rainbow wig.

Pinkie Pie was circling, attracted by the scent of candy in the water. Around her, about seven pint-sized pilot fish trolled along in her wake. They were winding ever closer to Luna’s circle of fans.

“Madam Mayor,” I finally cut off the mare, “I know you’re the head pony for a reason, but I just don’t see the logic in changing up Nightmare Night. I mean, that defeats the purpose of Luna coming here to learn about our traditions after all, and I’m sorry, but I’ve really got to get back to-”

“Aaah! Nightmare Moon is gobbling Pipsqueak! Everypony run!”

“… Mushrooms…” My chin fell onto my chest.

Before anypony knew what had happened, the fragile stitches tying Luna to the ponies around her were torn open and the rift between them bled worse than ever. The princess finally lashed out at Pinkie and Pip with her iconic,

“’TIS A LIE!” and any ease she had fostered between her and the townsponies vanished like smoke. It didn’t help that her idea of a funny distraction involved casting a life spell on a bowl of spider beanbags. Or that the animated arachnids crawled right up and over Cherry Berry and any other pony in their way. Mistrust boiled the night air, ponies began running, crying, shouting. For a moment, Luna’s voice tried to cut through the confusion, to try and salvage what little progress she had made in making friends, but this only added to the chaos.

“As your princess, we command you!” The Mistress of the Night lifted a single foreleg. My hands clamped over my ears just as she bellowed, “BE STILL!!”

The sky above erupted into a frothing mixture of thunder and lightning as Luna’s voice rushed throughout the valley. Her words were a blizzard, freezing everypony where they stood and reducing them to quaking bundles at her hooves. The princess’s PR department, Twilight, Applejack and I, could only look on helplessly as Luna finally gave up trying to win the hearts of her subjects. She had accepted their rejection.

“Princess, remember! Watch the screaming!” Twilight tried to speak up, but the dark alicorn rounded on her with cold fire in her eyes.

“NO, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! WE MUST USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE FOR WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO SAY.” Luna rose above the crowd, figuratively and literally, as her wings churned the calm night into a galloping thunderstorm. Her scowl was as fathomless as the ocean as she addressed Ponyville. “SINCE YOU CHOOSE TO FEAR YOUR PRINCESS RATHER THAN LOVE HER, AND DISHONOR HER WITH THIS INSULTING CELEBRATION, WE DECREE THAT NIGHTMARE NIGHT SHALL BE CANCELED! FOREVER!”

At that point, sending a letter to Princess Celestia to let her know how things were going in Ponyville would have been redundant. With her voice filling the sky itself, it was a marvel that Luna’s voice hadn’t broken any nearby windows.

The princess retreated, the night grew quiet once again, and slowly, the ponies looked around at what remained of their beloved holiday.

“Shoot.” Applejack kicked aside a piece of soiled apple despondently.

The town square looked like it had been picked up and set back down by a tornado. In the confusion surrounding Luna’s outburst, much of the Nightmare Night paraphernalia and décor had been knocked over and trampled. Not unlike Luna’s feelings, if I were to make a comparison. I surveyed the scene alongside Star Swirl and the Scarecrow with my arms crossed.

“We had everything goin’ our way.” The earth pony sighed. “Luna was happy, everypony in town was happy… Now look at ‘em.”

“Still not Luna’s fault.” I grumbled.

“Hey, now. ‘Tain’t nopony else’s fault neither.” Applejack soothed.

“Oh, I don’t know about that…” My eyes rested on a white feather lying on the street. “Seems our little Pinkie Pie has been quite the agitator this evening.”

“She’s just havin’ fun. That’s all.”

“Whatever.” I sighed. “Guess it doesn’t matter now.”

“It’s not over yet.” Twilight Sparkle spoke with renewed determination.

“What are you gonna do?” Applejack asked.

“I’m going to do what I do best. Lecture her!” The purple unicorn declared.

“Right. Because that worked so well for Anna when Elsa was depressed.”

“Who?”

“The point is, Twilight,” I explained, “Luna doesn’t need a critic. I get the feeling she’s already blaming herself for everything that’s gone wrong. No, what she needs is a sympathetic ear.”

“Well, we can’t let her cancel Nightmare Night. It’s one of the most popular celebrations we have.” Twilight explained.

“Forget about the celebration! We’re talking about losing a friend here! If Luna can’t make amends tonight, then why should she ever try again? Think about it. She’ll just go back to being a recluse and we’ll have another Nightmare Moon scenario on our hands. Maybe not tonight, maybe not a hundred years from now, but it will be inevitable and it will be worse than ever before.”

“Alright mister raincloud, that’s enough gloom for now.” Applejack turned towards me. “If’n you think you can help the princess, then you’d best go find her. Don’t let her fly back to Canterlot with a chip on her shoulder.”

“Then, what should I do?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“You should make like Kevin Skinner and go chicken wrangling.” I began walking in the direction Luna had vanished. “We have one last chance to solve this and I think it all our problems can be traced back to Pinkie Pie. If we can’t fix things between her and Luna, then everything else is pointless.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” The unicorn yelled at my back.

“I don’t know. Lay a trail of Jolly Ranchers or something. I’ll meet you behind the post office.”

“Pinkie Pie? I don’t think she’s the mare you wanna…” But I didn’t hear the rest of whatever Applejack was saying. Everypony’s patience had worn dangerously thin and even the simple act of trying to convince the princes to meet with her rejecters once more would be pushing our luck. For better or for worse, this episode would be decided by this next scene.

That’s not to say that I had forgotten how the episode was supposed to go, but as stated before, this felt nothing like the scenario in the show. The cannon material wasn’t any clearer to me, and the reality I found myself in was brutally unjust to all parties involved. The night had already supplied everypony with a heaping share of discontent and if the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results, then Luna was already madder than a hatter escorting Kefka to the Joker’s surprise party for Pelagius Septim III.

I found the princess on the fringes of town, traipsing over a lonely bridge hung above a tiny stream. Her once-proud head was hung low and her once-strong steps dragged beneath her. She looked up with glassy eyes at my approach, but I didn’t try to talk to her. I merely positioned myself up against the bridge’s railing and stood by quietly. Finally, after a good thirty seconds of silence, she spoke up,

“Did you have something to say, Mark?”

“Nope.” I leaned back to admire the stars. They winked subtly as another moment of silence passed.

“Then, do you require something of us?”

“No.”

“We do not understand. Why have you followed us here?” She asked pointedly. My eyes locked with hers and I explained,

“To remind you that you’re not alone.” At this, she blinked uncertainly. I clarified, “Everyone needs a moment of quiet every once in a while, a chance to collect their thoughts, and if anypony deserves such a moment, it’s you, but trust me, princess, solitude is the last thing you need.”

“Indeed. Socialization has been so advantageous to us, after all.” She said with more than a little salt in her voice.

“I admire you.” I tried to pacify her. “Honestly, I do. Coming here tonight and going head-to-head with centuries-old misconceptions like you did tonight takes more courage than I’ve got. But all the progress you made tonight will be for nothing if you just retreat from everyone again.”

“Yet that’s exactly what they want me to do.” Luna glowered.

“Now, be logical. Who in their right mind would rather make an enemy than a friend? They might still be nervous, even intimidated, but I promise you, these ponies would rather connect with you than fear you.”

“Yes.” She rolled her dark eyes. “I can tell by all the adoring shrieks of the children as they run away.”

“I guess I can only write it off as a misunderstanding so many times…” I hefted myself off the railing. “Well, as your friend, I find it’s my duty to tell you-”

“To go and make a fool of myself yet again?”

“-to do what you want.” I looked down at Luna while she stared back. For a moment, the only thing that moved was the liquid silver river glittering beneath us. When she spoke, it was slowly, as if afraid that she misheard me,

“You are… not going to demand we meet with our citizens again?”

“No. I’m not.” I softened my tone. “You’re not a child, and I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. But, as your friend, I’ve told you what I think is wise, and I can continue to encourage you, but what you do is ultimately up to you. As your friend, I’m going to stand behind whatever your decision is because I trust you.” I opened my hands helplessly. “That’s what friends do, right?”

“Then… Then what would you have us do? We want to believe the best of our charges, to hope that they will one day love us as they do our dear sister, but each attempt thus far has only suppressed such ambitions. We would be remiss to quench this hope after only one night.”

“Twilight Sparkle and I believe we have an idea.” I expounded. “You remember Pinkie Pie? Element of Laughter? Well, I guess she hasn’t really been living up to that title recently, has she? Anyway, Twilight and I think she’s been the most… obstinate… pony to introduce you to. So, we’ve ‘arranged’ a little one-on-one. No crowds, no games, no stampede. If it works, and you two connect, then there’s nopony in all of Equestria that you couldn’t befriend.” I gave a shallow bow and began walking away. “Of course, it’s up to you if you want to try once more or not. It’s your ‘hope’ you’re putting out there.”

At first, I wondered if my pitch had fallen on its face. After all, in Skyrim I never got my ‘speech’ skill above 40. Much to my relief, the sound of silver-shod hooves began to tentatively follow me. Hope was a notoriously difficult thing to quench. No matter how many tears try to drown it, it always picks itself up for one more flicker.

The princess and I found Twilight Sparkle behind the post office just as planned and, much to my amusement, the bearded student had actually gone ahead and laid out a trail of wrapped candies for Pinkie Pie. Even better was that it actually worked. Within minutes, a soft clucking sound could be heard approaching from the remains of the town square. A pink pony, covered in down and topped with a bright red comb wandered into the alley where Twilight, the princess and I stood, her bright blue eyes twitching in sporadic, random directions like those of a Pikka bird.

Closer and closer our prey crept, all her attention focused on nothing more than the next piece of candy in front of her. A box propped up by a stick would have worked just as well judging by the amount of situational awareness Pinkie Pie was displaying. As it happened, though, we didn’t need anything so fancy. Just when Chicken Little was close enough for us to smell the chocolate on her, Twilight Sparkle pounced. In a blur of blue and bells, the purple unicorn pinned the Pie against the alley’s wall and stuffed a hoof in her mouth.

“No! No shrieking. No screaming or squealing either, okay?” Twilight ordered.

“MmKmm…” Pinkie Pie whimpered around the hoof.

“There’s something I want you to see. And I promise that it’s safe, but you really, really, really can’t shriek.” Twilight lowered her voice. “Do you promise not to shriek?”

The pink pony nodded in consent, her wide eyes filled with apprehension and concern. Satisfied, Twilight Sparkle gestured to where Luna and I were standing. The princess collected her poise and stepped forward, her velvet hide almost one with the shadows of the alley. Pinkie’s jaw fell slack at the imposing alicorn standing above her, but remembered her promise to Twilight just in time to catch a little squeal from escaping her lips. Twilight held out a hoof of peace between the two ponies.

“Pinkie Pie, you remember Princess Luna, right?”

“Ah, the ringleader of the frightened children.” Watching Luna swallow her derision was like watching a snake swallow a cactus, but somehow she managed. Dropping the last of her lofty station, the princess offered, “Hast though… come to make peace?”

For a moment, I thought I saw a connection between the two ponies. Luna was no longer a nightmare, but a lonely pony in need of a friend and Pinkie Pie was, after all, the very fount of friendship. It should have been a perfect match, should have been from the very beginning, but just as the two ponies smiled and reached out to shake each other’s hooves, I was hit with a nauseating wave of deja-vu. M. A. Larson wasn’t done with antagonizing Luna yet.

Had the alley always been so dark?

“Rainbow! Don’t-” My plea was trampled beneath a stampede of sound as the alley was drowned in a torrent of thunder. Lightning blossomed in the sky above our group like a blitzing and for an instant, Luna’s black silhouette was framed by its white fire. Pinkie Pie bolted, Twilight flinched, and Luna’s hoof withered. As my hearing slowly returned, I could hear the breathless giggling of Rainbow Dash atop her little storm cloud.

“Why!? Darn it, Dash, why?” I fulminated. “Everything was finally going well! This was it, this was working, and you had to muck it up!” My words chased after the troublemaking pegasus as she vanished back over the rooftops, giggling all the while.

Twilight Sparkle evaporated in a burst of pink light, teleporting after the scared-y chicken. Princess Luna wilted to the ground, speechless and despondent. She wasn’t going to say anything more, so I ranted for her. I stormed up and down the alley, fuming,

“This just doesn’t make any sense! What am I missing? Was I really wrong after all this time? Is it really that impossible for these ponies to get over their own stupid preconceptions? Why can’t they just look at you like a real person like any sane pony? How can they keep on rejecting you? Is this some kind of game? A cruel joke? And by Pinkie Pie, of all ponies! She’s the friendliest pony in the whole world! And she’s been the worst of them all! What could she be thinking? Running away time after time? What’s up with that? She can’t even get scared!-”

The passionate flames in my chest suddenly decided to take the ice bucket challenge. My scowling eyes snapped open and my words caught in my throat. I cautiously lifted a finger.

“Say that again…” I gasped.

“We have said nothing.” Luna looked up from her glum posture uncertainly.

“Wasn’t talking to you.” The finger remained in the air. “Pinkie Pie can’t get scared... She proved that. I know that. When she went up against Nightmare Moon, she was the only one who could resist the fear she attacked them with…”

“Indeed, but that was not me. I prithee, understand-”

“Your highness, please, this is important.” I still didn’t look at her, my eyes staring into the past. “Something doesn’t add up. Pinkie’s heart is too light to be dragged down by fear. Laughter is the antidote to fear. She shook off the actual Nightmare Moon, but she runs from you. Why? If she can’t get scared, then that means what? She’s acting? She’s playing? She wants to be scared?” That was it. “She… wants to be scared? Could it really be...?”

“Fun?” At the end of the alley, Twilight Sparkle was having the exact same epiphany. From atop her quarry, the book horse’s mouth fell open. When she regained control of it, she exclaimed, “Pinkie Pie, you’re a genius!”

“No, I’m not. I’m a chicken! B-cawk!”

“Princess Luna!” Twilight hopped off Pinkie and galloped back to where the alicorn was lying in the dirt. “I’ve finally figured it out!”

“Me too!” I squealed.

“I’ve finally figured out why you’re having so much trouble being liked!” The unicorn announced. The smile dropped from my face like sandbags from a hot air balloon. Luna commented dryly,

“Forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm…”

“Yeah, Twilight, there’s a little thing called ‘tact’.”

“Well, how would you say it?” The librarian bristled. The elation returned to my face as I cleared my throat.

“Luna, it’s not a problem with the townsponies after all! Turns out it’s a problem with you!” My grin stagnated. “That sounded better in my head.”

“It wasn’t much better, no.” The princess assented.

“But hear me out. It’s a problem with me, too. And maybe even Twilight, otherwise she would have seen it sooner.”

“Hey!”

“You see, this is our first Nightmare Night. Because of that, we missed the whole point of the celebration. All this time, I thought it was a festival about fear, but it’s actually a celebration about the absence of fear!”

“How do you mean?” The princess asked.

“I mean, you know what fear is. And I’m not talking about a sheet with holes cut in it, but real, true, sickness of the soul. The kind that clings to you, haunts you, taints your vision of the present and the future until all you can see is emptiness. Like a story with no happy ending. But these ponies have overcome that. Every day, they make their lives a little brighter, encourage one another, help ease one another’s cares to the point where they actually look forward to what tomorrow brings. They have no reason to worry because they’re safe.

So, a night of candy, costumes and frightening pranks is fun for them. They’re not in any real danger and that courage that they share is made even more evident by a good spook. I might even go so far as to say that dressing like a monster or decorating the town with pictures of Nightmare Moon puts a face to what scares them and actually makes it less threatening.

Nightmare Night isn’t about succumbing to what frightens us, but overcoming it.”

“We do not follow.” Luna said haltingly. “Why would they enjoy fleeing my presence?”

“You’re the legend come to life, the center of their game. You’re the haunter incarnate. Didn’t anybody play tag with you when you were little?” The princess didn’t answer. “Well, if you did, it’s the same pleasure.”

“But how does this help us? Should we return on a night when such a celebration is not underway?”

I glanced over my shoulder to the end of the alley where the ponies were still cleaning up the last debris from their stampede. My gaze alighted on Twilight Sparkle and she and I gave each other a knowing nod.

“There’s a lot of ponies out there without smiles on their faces.” I told the princess. “If you want to make it up to them, we can make this last Nightmare Night one for the history books.”

“How do you mean?”

“I have an idea…” My Chesshire cat grin peeled away to reveal gleaming canines. “We’ll need to move that statue, a pair of fake fangs, and a camera… Twilight, do you think you and Zecora can convince the children to bring their candy back into the forest clearing?”

“I’ll get the mayor in on it too.” Twilight’s hat jingled as she nodded.

“And what shall we do?” Luna asked uncertainly.

“You, my dear, are going to learn how to Faas Tu Maar****, and…” I rubbed by hands together, giggling, “I shall instruct you in the sacred art of the evil laugh… Come with me. I’ll explain everything on the way.” And so, with the true spirit of Nightmare Night found, we each set off to prepare a prank nopony would forget for years to come.

The night was tired. The voluptuous moon hung low in the sky, nearly claimed by the greedy fingers of the trees. Not a leaf moved, not an insect sang, the shadows of the Everfree forest suppressed all interruptions. A little pilgrimage of colorful fillies picked their way along the path, leaving the illuminated buildings behind them and venturing into the realm of darkness. With their wide eyes, the ponies tried to pierce the forest’s twilight, but the shadows between the trees swallowed all light as surely as the moist grass swallowed their hooffalls. They were at the mercy of the forest’s wooden heart.

One-by-one, the little costumes obediently surrendered their treats to the statue of Nightmare Moon. The stone eyes watched patiently, like a spider hanging motionless from its silk. Finally, Pipsqueak added the last of his candy to the humble offering.

“Goodbye Nightmare Night… Forever.” He muttered. Then, as if the forest was waiting for him to speak, the dark boughs answered. A cold breeze caressed his cheek.

All around the clearing, the trees croaked, the twigs chittered and the grass danced as an uneasy wind skittered around the ponies. The little ones backed themselves into a bundle like a ring of wagons and even their adult escorts, Zecora, Applejack and the mayor, looked around in surprise. Finally, with a proud, almost mocking tone, the wind spoke,

“Citizens of Ponyville…” The gale increased. “You were wise to bring this candy to me. I am pleased with your offering.”

A dozen eyes darted in every direction, searching for the source of the voice, but it seemed to come from the very ground itself. There was nothing but trees, like teeth, in every direction and the statue of Nightmare Moon framed against the sky.

“SO PLEASED, THAT I MAY JUST EAT IT INSTEAD OF EATING… YOU!!” And then the statue moved.

Screams pierced the air like whistles at a track meet. Nightmare Moon, with eyes like ghostly lanterns and wings like onyx sythes, hung down over the hapless group of ponies. Some jumped, some cried, some froze, and some merely hollered for help. Thin lips peeled away from long fangs as a throaty laugh rose from the terror’s chest.

Like a pack of rabbits, the children kicked, flailed and faltered in their attempt to escape the monster hanging above them. They shot off towards Ponyville as quickly as their little legs and awkward costumes would let them. But another laugh rose up to meet them, light and jovial. I stepped out into their path with the camera in my hands and a broad grin on my face.

“Hahaha! Oh, that was priceless! I’ve never seen you guys run so fast before.”

“Mark?” Scootaloo spoke up from beneath her wolf hood. “Did you do that?”

“Nope!” I shook my head. “That was all Luna.”

“The princess?” Apple Bloom tilted her head.

“Yup! Turns out, she’s the queen of scream and she jumpedyou worse than Freddy Fazbear!” Another round of laughs.

“I wasn’t scared…” Scootaloo pouted.

“Oh?” I waved the camera incriminatingly. “Because I thought the only pony who out-screamed you was Sweetie Belle. Girl’s got quite a set of pipes there…” Rarity’s little sister blushed beneath her pale vampire makeup. “But don’t take my word for it.”

With a flourish, I slid the film out of the back of the camera and tilted it towards the light. Around me, the little ponies crowded in a circle to watch the potion develop. Slowly, the misty shapes of their faces came into view. A giggle swept through the crowd.

“Apple Bloom’s eyes are so wide!”

“Scootaloo, are you crying?”

“No!”

“Look! Your antenna fell off!”

“Ohmygosh, my heart was beating so bad.”

“I can’t believe how big Pipsqueak’s mouth got!”

“Like looking at a yawning anaconda.” I agreed.

The earlier fear had vanished like a sugar cube in water and all the children were laughing once again. Now all that was left was to share this moment with Luna.

“So, can we all agree that that was the best scare of the night?” The group nodded in agreement. “How about you, Pip? Was Nightmare Night as awesome as you hoped it would be?”

“Yeah!” Pipsqueak’s uncovered eye lit up, only to grow dim in the next moment. “Too bad we won’t be able to do it next year.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” I feigned a remorseful tone. “But even if this is the last Nightmare Night, don’t you think you should thank Princess Luna for making it the best one ever?” All around me, the foals exchanged glances. “Come on. She just wanted to play with you all, and nopony’s bothered to thank her yet. Maybe that’s why she thought there shouldn’t be any more Nightmare Nights.”

“So,” The little pirate’s brain was fighting to solve this conundrum. “If we tell her how much fun we had, she might visit again?”

“It’s worth a knock.” I inclined my head back to where Luna was talking with Twilight Sparkle. Pipsqueak took a tentative step forward, then broke into a run right up to the dark alicorn.

It was impossible to hear the exact conversation, but the princess’s body language was loud and clear. She was nothing short of stunned, astonished that Pipsqueak would trot back just to thank her. Then she was preoccupied with trying to decipher how fear could be so enjoyable. Finally, everything Twilight and I had been trying to tell her earlier clicked and comprehension dawned in her midnight blue eyes. Her tiny flicker of hope that she had watched wane throughout the night burst into new flame.

“Well, then…” She coughed, “we shall have to bring NIGHTMARE NIGHT BACK!”

“Whoa!” Now it was the pirate’s turn to look stunned. He ran forward and wrapped his forelegs around Luna’s hoof as far as they would go. “You’re my favorite princess ever! She said yes, guys!”

“Yes!” I pumped a fist in the air. “Now you can return Gorney’s Summerween costume!”

And from that moment on, it finally started to feel like a festival.

Twilight went off on her own to write her friendship letter about ‘sharing the gift of friendship’ and ‘discovering a whole new pony underneath’, but Luna and I were content with our own friendship lesson. It was mesmerizing, actually, to view Nightmare Night from a completely different angle than before. It was not a night to toy with fear or make light of the terrors that wander the darkest corners of our minds, but instead was a time for making peace with such fears, and reminding ourselves just how strong we are to face them.

“… see, not only does it work because there’s seven of them, but because they match their personalities as well. Twilight and Maka, Spike and Soul, Fluttershy and Tsubaki, Rainbow Dash and Black Star, Rarity and Kid, Applejack and Liz, and Pinkie and Patty. I’ve never known perfection until this moment.”

“Oh, of course.” Luna bobbed her head without understanding a word.

“And if we wanted to squeeze us in, too, you’d probably make a good Medusa. Or, you could be both Corona and Ragnarock. Yeah, that’d be perfect. Celestia could be Shinigami Sensei and I? Well, I could be Dr. Stein… At least he gets a cool coat…”

She and I were relaxing next to a churro stand, having just returned from sending Rainbow Dash scurrying over the horizon with a Strun Bah Quo***** on her tail. The fillies were being corralled into their beds and it was almost time for Luna to return to Canterlot. Even the live band had called it quits for the night. The princess swallowed a piece of candy and said,

“Though, we do wish to thank you.”

“For what?” I rubbed my tired eyes.

“This has been a delightful evening, though it did not begin that way. It was only through the efforts of yourself and Twilight Sparkle that we even stayed in Ponyville.”

“Think nothing of it, princess.”

“But that would be remiss of me.” Luna stretched a long dark wing. “You went out of your way for us far beyond what is socially required.”

“Hey, I learned just as much as you did tonight. I’m just happy I could help.”

“Even so, should you require anything if the future, we are in your debt.” My first reaction was to refuse her. After all, friendship wasn’t a game of indebtedness or collecting favors from another person, but before I spoke, my eyes alighted on Canterlot. The capital city hung off its cliff like the branches of some great tree, surrounded by the pink circle of a low moon. For a passing instant, I thought the city had a great force field around it. A giant, pink, bubble, force field. My voice didn’t sound like my own as I whispered,

“You know, I’ll let you know...”

“Does that imply that we can expect more correspondence from our human friend in the future?” Luna smirked.

“Huh? Oh!” I came back to myself with the sudden realization that I hadn’t written to her even once since the night of the Grand Galloping Gala. A wave of regret welled up inside me and I mentally kicked myself harder than a raging Bruce Lee. Had the princess been thinking about that the entire night?

“No, see, I have an excuse, honest!... I, I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!” I bawled.

“Fair enough.” Luna lifted a regal eyebrow.

“Actually, I just had to learn how to write first.” I shrugged.

“I see. Well, we bid thee farewell, Mark, in hopes that we shall hear from you soon.” Luna turned her gaze skyward where a long dark shape descended like a feather falling through the sky. “The time has come for our departure and our dear sister will we wanting to know how our adventure fared.”

“Celestia?” I watched as a black mist crept up Luna’s legs and condensed into her long riding cape. But before her silver-shod hooves left the ground, I had one last question, “Princess, am I right to assume that you coming here in the first place was your sister’s idea? I mean, seriously, showing up on Nightmare Night, of all nights?”

“’Twas.” The Princess of the Night flipped her hood up over her ears. “And were it not for you, I may have resented it. Thank you again.” She and I shared a knowing smile and without another word, Luna floated off the ground and ascended up to where her Cadillac of a carriage was waiting.

Of course, inviting Luna to a ceremony about Nightmare Moon was exactly the kind of thing Celestia would do. Not to be malicious, of course, but to throw Luna’s own mistaken preconceptions into the light. She arrived, convinced that the ponies still held a millennium-old grudge against her and left knowing just how far removed from Nightmare Moon she really was. What had started as a reminder of Nightmare Moon’s reign of terror had become a scene of just the opposite, a comforting reminder that though friends and family, even the Nightmares had no power anymore and Luna was finally and truly forgiven in the hearts of her people.

“Darn it!” I clicked my tongue. “I forgot to ask the princess where ‘bat-ponies’ fall into Equestrian sociology!”

Author's Note

* Unrelenting Force
** Kyne's Peace
*** Whirlwind Sprint
**** Dismay
***** Storm Call

Not sure what should be in the next chapter. I want at least one more character development one before the next finale...

Ch 14: Cider Is Thicker Than Water

Chapter 14
Cider Is Thicker Than Water

The sky was clear, the birds were singing, and the flowers in the meadow were swaying drowsily. Plump apples hung from the orchard trees like incense, perfuming the air and casting their intoxicating spell on anyone fortunate enough to wander beneath their boughs. Days like these exuded a sense of peace and bliss.

Days like these were a perfect opportunity to risk it all in a winner-takes-all showdown.

Poised to defend their home, their honor, and the orchard they had so tenderly raised, the Apples stood in the first corner, each one donning matching expressions of fierce resolve. In the opposing corner, the twin business ponies Flim and Flam were lounging in the shade of their great metal behemoth, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.

According to Applejack, cider season had always been an important institution at Sweet Apple Acres. It was the one time of year they hauled their earth pony cider press out of storage and fed it the slowest-ripened apples from the tail end of the harvest season. Granny Smith swore up and down that there was something special about the crispiness of the fruit just before the trees went back into their slumber. However, what had started as the Equestrian version of the Wilder’s candied molasses tradition had spilled onto the public market and soon the little homesteaders were hard-pressed to satisfy Ponyville’s ravenous demand for the exclusive ambrosia.

Enter Flam and Flim.

For the third time in as many days, the two unicorns had rolled into town astride their gleaming mobile cider factory, vats brimming with mass-produced apple beverages and mouths brimming with promises. With their combination of unyielding charisma, hoof-tapping music, and genteel straw hats, the newcomers had threatened to snatch up Ponyville’s cider market before the Apples even knew what hit them. But the feisty farm ponies weren’t going to surrender their customers so easily. Unfortunately, the snarky salesponies had been only too willing to shift from being “partners” to “competitors” and now the day had arrived that would decide once and for all who would be selling cider to Ponyville and who would be packing their bags.

“Applejack? Are you sure this is such a good idea?” Nopony was questioning Twilight Sparkle’s faith in her friends, but when faced with a magic-powered Goliath of shiny steel and glistening glass like the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, one had to wonder if the Apples had finally bitten off more than they could chew.

Applejack leveled a sharp kick at the sandbag she and Apple Bloom had hung, oiling the iron cables that were her muscles. Hooves McGilligan and Bucks McGee were in fine form, but I knew they wouldn’t be enough to “John Henry” the day to victory.

“Me an’ the family are… gyuh! A hundred percent confident… huh! In our cider making capabilities.” Applejack assured, periodically striking her bag for emphasis.

“And besides,” Apple Bloom wore a scowl almost too big to fit on her face, “nopony calls Granny a chicken.”

“She’s right.” I nodded sagely from beside Twilight Sparkle. “Every gray hair in Granny’s mane is a souvenir of something that would make those city snobs over there wet themselves.”

“We’re gonna prove to those boys that you can’t jerry rig quality.” With one final kick that threatened to blow the stuffing out of her target, the orange earth pony finally let her muscles relax. I tried to encourage her,

“Don’t worry, Applejack, I know Sweet Apple Acres is in safe hands.” I may or may not have meant for that to be literal. (Double meaning!) “And we’ll be watching out for you too.” (Double, double meanings!)

“Attention everypony!” The magnified voice of Ponyville’s mayor echoed through the orchard, subduing the crowd of chittering spectators. Twilight Sparkle cast one last reassuring glance at her friend before retreating.

“Well, good luck.” She offered.

“Thanks, Twilight.” Applejack’s eyes flicked back to the rest of her family. “We’ll need it.”

“Just do your best.” I gave the country girl a half-smile. “Just remember, we make our own luck.” (Triple double meaning! That’s like, eight meanings in one conversation!) As Twilight and I returned to the ranks of watchers, the voice of the mayor continued laying down the rules for the match,

“… The teams have one hour to produce as much cider as they can. After which, the barrels will be counted and the winner will be named the sole cider provider for all Ponyville!”

A ripple of gasps and murmurs ran through the crowd. I, on my part, merely narrowed my eyes and suppressed a grim smile. There was a time and a place for cheap mass-produced products, (indeed, most of America had already succumbed) but not at the cost of my friend’s orchard, and not to a pair of shysters like the unicorn brothers, and not if I had anything to say about it. Already, the fact that the twins had challenged the Apples to a battle of quantity instead of quality was a half-victory in my mind. They may win the battle, but it if I could force them into showing how little they really cared about their customers, they would invariably lose the war.

“Are both teams ready?” Mayor Mare and Spike stood off to one side where Dr. Hooves had set up a ceremonial hourglass. (Yes, that’s his name and yes, when I found out, my mouth fell open like a yawning anaconda. It took a couple new screws and some duct tape to get it closed again.)

“Ready!” Applejack affirmed.

“Ready.” Flim and Flam yawned.

“Then let’s… go!” The glass timepiece was flipped and before the first grains of sand had fallen, the Apple family was at their stations.

Applejack shot for the nearest tree, spun on her foreleg and struck its trunk with enough force to send a shockwave through my feet. Ripe apples began to fall like rain only to be tenderly caught by Apple Bloom’s reed basket. Granny Smith, with a glance of her wrinkled eyes and a sharp sniff of her honed muzzle, plucked only the finest fruits out of the harvest and sent them tumbling into the whirring grindstone that Big McIntosh was spinning up to terrifying speeds. It wasn’t long before the Apple family’s wood-and-stone press was bleeding freshly squeezed cider into the hungry mouth of an empty barrel.

Without ceremony, without getting up from their couch, without even uncrossing their legs, the unicorn brothers finally started up their machine as nonchalantly as a hare racing a tortoise. Their long ivory horns sparked with vibrant green energy and the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 shuddered to life. Belts began turning, the juicing chamber began whirring, and oversized Nixie tubes (technically, “magi ray tubes”) sparked with neon lightning. A large bronze funnel rose from the front of their contraption like a flying saucer and began hovering over the south fields, but instead of cows, its vacuum spell was only interested in abducting apples. It wasn’t long before glistening fruits were rolling down its rubber throat into its steel belly.

“Great job, y’all!” I heard Applejack calling. “We’ve already filled an entire barrel!”

“I’ll bet you those guys don’t even have-” Apple Bloom’s words died on her tongue. As if to taunt her, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 plopped out three kegs of cider. When they saw the dumbfounded look on the filly’s face, Flim and Flam simply sneered from beneath their straw hats and waved.

For over half an hour, the Apples fought a losing battle. They pushed cider through their press and sweat from their brows, but nothing they ever did could narrow the gap between their production and that of their mechanized opponent. Indeed, from where I stood, it looked as if the unicorn brothers were taunting the earth ponies, letting them catch up ever so slightly and then turning up the power on their machine whenever the family got a second wind. It wasn’t just business to them. It was complete and utter conquest.

I stood a row back in the crowd, letting the shorter ponies catch a clear view of the action, but I was fidgety and rocked from foot-to-foot. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight Sparkle were showing similar symptoms. The promise of endless cider had been tantalizing at first, but now that they were faced with the very real possibility that the Apple family could lose their business entirely, the girls had taken on a very sobered, even anxious, air.

“This is just dreadful.” Rarity finally spoke up. “Even at top speed, the Apples are only making one barrel to the twin’s three!”

Aaannnd, cue my earworm:

“If only we could help them like we did that one applebucking season…” I lamented. Lamented and waited. Twilight Sparkle turned an ear to catch my words and I could practically see the gears in her head begin to turn.

“Come on, gang.” She broke the line of spectators and stepped forward. Wordlessly, the rest of the mane cast and I followed.

“Um, miss Mayor?” The judge pulled her gaze from the hourglass at Twilight’s approach. “Are honorary family members allowed to help in the competition?”

“Well, I’m not sure…” The old earth pony frowned through her half-moon spectacles. “Flim? Flam? Would you object to ‘honorary’ family members helping?” Fortunately for us, the twins were more drunk on confidence than Bacchus at a wine factory.

“Are you kidding?” Flim laughed over a flagon of cider.

“We don’t care if the whole kingdom of Canterlot helps.” Flam’s moustache twitched as he smiled. “It’s a lost cause.”

“Hm, I guess it’s okay.” The mayor blinked. “Applejack? What do you think?”

The orange country girl gave a tree a sharp kick before pausing and wiping a tiara of sweat from her forehead. Her smile was weak, but her eyes were full of gratitude.

“I think I’d love to have the rest of my family helpin’ out.”

“All right!” The girls cheered. As did I. We were 75% on our way to victory.

Flam and Flim exchanged smirks, but I could still sense them turning up the power on their machine ever so slightly.

“Okay, everypony, we’re not gonna let those smooth talkers take our friend’s farm.” Twilight turned to face her honorary family.

“Nope!” I agreed.

“Yeah!” The girls hollered.

“… I mean, yeah.”

“Fluttershy, help Applejack with the trees.” The purple unicorn’s lavender eyes marched down our ranks.

“Got it.” Fluttershy nodded.

“Pinkie Pie, you’re on apple catching detail.”

“Yes, sir! Ma’am, sir!”

“Rarity, you’ve got a discerning eye. Help Granny Smith at the quality control station.”

“Of course.”

“Rainbow Dash, do you think you can help Big McIntosh press?”

“In my sleep!” The pegasus snorted defiantly.

“Mark, you told me you can tell the quality of fruit just by squeezing it?”

“Much to the chagrin of grocery stores, yes.”

“Good. I need you to help Rarity and Granny Smith.”

“Will do.” I gave a sharp nod. “We’ll get you some good samples for your magic to scan, Twilight. Until then, you should look over the Cider Maker-inator to make sure it can keep up with us.”

“The what?” Twilight Sparkle clarified.

“You know, the Dr. Doofenshmirtz one. As opposed to the SSCS6K over there, which was obviously designed by Dr. Seus.” I jabbed a thumb at the pulsating factory on wheels.

“Uh, hel-lo?” Rainbow Dash pawed the ground. “We’re running out of time here!”

“Good call, Dashie.” I reeled in my wayward attention. “Oh, and that reminds me, I need you to take this to Big Mac.” I reached into my pocket and withdrew a shiny potion bottle full of what looked like green whiskey. I hastily tossed it to my rainbow-haired friend as I explained, “It’s called ‘second wind’. And no, that’s not a reference to Borderlands, it’s actually called that. It eliminates fatigue like Mr. Clean eliminates stains. You two have to keep the mill running, but I've only got the one potion.

“Not even a problem. I’m not gonna need it!” The cyan pegasus rolled her shoulders in anticipation for a good workout.

“Alright, everypony! Let’s save Sweet Apple Acres!” Twilight rallied. With one accord, our team broke off into its individual duties.

I dropped to my knees next to Granny Smith like a hockey goalie and plunged my hand into the nearest basket. Pretty soon, the air was full of,

“Good ‘un, bad ‘un, bad ‘un, good ‘un…”

“Lovely, horrid, horrid, lovely…”

“Sweet, tasty, delicious, bruised, ohmygodaworm! Nice, juicy…”

Beside me, a small pile of Granny Smith-approved apples was steadily growing larger while behind me, Rainbow Dash and Big Mac pushed the Cider Maker-inator to new levels of voracity. Twilight Sparkle lined up a row of empty barrels beneath our machine’s nozzle and gazed critically at the creaking, chugging mechanics within.

Despite it’s simple design, the old contraption was quite a marvel of earth pony ingenuity. The large stone wheel functioned not only as a mill, but also a dynamo, while the machine’s hull doubled as a centrifuge and primitive gas compressor. The exact brewing mechanism was still a mystery to me, but I knew from my time with the Apples that cider season was about more than fresh cups of Minute Maid. Granny had hinted once or twice about a specially concentrated mash that went into the recipe. If Equestrian ciders were actually a species of spiked apple juice, however, I wasn’t able to detect it.

Whatever the case, all that mattered was that the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 continued to outpace us. That is, right up until I said,

“Alright, Twi. We’re ready for you.”

“Got it!” Twilight Sparkle trotted over to the quality control station where perhaps a dozen blue-ribbon apples had been set out for her. Without a moment of hesitation, she lowered her horn at their taught skins and pushed a wave of energy into them. As soon as she caught a whiff of their aura, the magic student turned her attention to the orchard itself and pulled the stopper out of her magic faucet. A wave of lavender light flowed over the hills like an autumn wind. First one, then three, and then five hundred apples began rising up into the air like tiny balloons, caught up in her tailored telekinesis.

As Twilight levitated her catch over to the Cider Maker-inator, Granny Smith still insisted on hoof-inspecting each one. I didn’ blame her, the only advantage the Apple family had over the unicorn brothers was the decades of experience the old green mare brought to the fight. Even still, our cider production skyrocketed exponentially as every apple that passed under Granny’s nose was immediately christened “good ‘un”. Golden ambrosia flowed from the Apple’s machine like water from a fire hydrant.

“Alright! Rarity, start capping and stacking the barrels. Twilight, I’ve got a few more good ones for you.” I offered my friend a couple more picture-perfect apples and watched with quiet satisfaction as almost a hundred more near-identical pieces lifted up off the trees. Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared at my elbow, dropped a fresh basket next to me, and the process started all over again.

“Based on these figures, we’re making five barrels for every three of theirs!” Twilight’s eyes flickered between maintaining her spell and watching Rarity hustle to keep up with production. At this, the spectators cheered and a new flame appeared in Applejack’s eyes.

“Keep it up, everypony! We’re back in this!” She pumped a hoof in the air.

Somewhere behind me, the sound of a very productive spit-take reached my ears.

“Come on, brother, we’ve gotta pick up the pace!” Flim sputtered to his suddenly-sodden sibling.

“Right! Uh, double the power!” There was a brief twinkling noise as both the unicorn’s horns lit up with bright light and then the orchard was buried by the rush of a tempest. The belly of the great iron beast roared like a train and its vacuum spell inhaled like Kirby at a buffet. The great bronze nozzle continued hovering over the south field but it wasn’t long before its rapacious maw was picking up more than apples. Leaves, small twigs, even entire branches were ripped out of the hapless orchard. It was the very image of a tornado and caused as much damage as one too, both to the trees and the precious fruit.

“We’ve gotta try something else!” Flim panicked, as he watched their entire harvest degenerate to splinters and applesauce. After a moment’s hesitation, the two unicorns shared a subtle nod.

“I’ve got it, brother of mine.” Flam clicked a large switch and the magi ray tubes atop their machine fell dark. Immediately, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 began kicking out barrels of “cider” as fast as it could go.

“Well done, Flam!” Flim let his voice carry over to the crowd. “We’re at top productivity!” At the sight of all those barrels of cider, more than one face in the crowd broke into a broad grin. My lips curled upwards too, but not for the same reason.

“Checkmate…” I whispered under my breath. As far as I was concerned, we had finally reached 100% victory.

“Rainbow Dash! This is no time to stop!” My moment of self-satisfaction was interrupted by Rarity’s cry. I glanced over to see half of our grinding crew hovering testily over the white unicorn.

“We don’t have time for quality control if we wanna win this thing!” Rainbow Dash snapped. Before anyone could stop her, the pegasus shot over to where Granny and I sat and seized a basket of apples. The old earth pony was momentarily taken aback, but she quickly leapt between Rainbow Dash and the Cider Maker-inator’s intake trough.

“Aah! Get back, you!” She threatened, “One bad apple spoils the bunch!” Despite how the cyan pony darted from side-to-side like an angry mosquito, the ancient Apple wouldn’t let her pass.

“Applejack, help me!” The pegasus gestured helplessly at the wrinkly green sentinel.

“There’s no point in winnin’ if we cheat!” Applejack said definitively. She was breathing heavily, but her principles were as strong as ever.

“We’ll just have to work harder.” Twilight agreed. Dash, however, didn’t look convinced.

“Hey, Rainbow, calm down for a second.” I reached up and dragged my friend down until I could whisper in her ear. “We have to play it by the Apple’s rules, it’s the only way we’re going to win.”

“But they’re making more cider than us!” I winced as her voice blasted out my ear.

“I know that.” I consoled. “But no matter what we do, no matter how hard or fast we work, there’s always going to be a machine that will work harder and faster than us.”

“What!?”

“Hear me out.” My voice lowered conspiratorially. “The only advantage our cider has over the twins’ is the dedication the Apples put into making it. Flim and Flam, on the other hand, don’t care at all about their customers, only the bottom bit. If we make more cider than them, then next year they’re just going to roll up in a Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000, but this is our one chance to stop them for good. If we can show Ponyville just how little those sales ponies care about their product, they’ll be run out of town on a rail, never to threaten Sweet Apple Acres again… Until they start selling snake oil, but that’s beside the point.”

“I don’t get it.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “They’re still winning the race.”

“Right. The competition is who can make the most cider in an hour.” I smirked, “But what they’re churning out right now isn’t cider. It’s mud. And you and Big Mac are to thank for that. You two scared the twins into making a fatal mistake, but we need you to keep it up. Can you do that?” My friend still looked uncertain. I winked at her and explained, “Just let them hang themselves. Your job is to provide the rope.” With one last glance at the hourglass, Rainbow figured she didn’t have any more time left to argue. With newfound determination, she hollered,

“All right, then. Double time!” And lunged back towards the grinding station.

The minutes poured through the glass slowly. All around me was like a thunderstorm, with the throbbing of the stone wheel, the grumbling of machines, and the distant sound of trees being uprooted. My fingers began to ache and my arms felt like putty, but my hands continued to fly like sparrows over the mountains of apples around me. Twilight Sparkle grunted from exertion, Applejack’s bangs were flat over her forehead and Rainbow Dash’s face was drawn into a steely mask of concentration. Finally, just as I feared somepony was going to hurt themselves, the call went out,

“Time’s up!”

As one, we glanced over to where the mayor was standing beside the empty hour glass, and then let ourselves collapse onto the grass with a sigh. Somewhere in the distance, the crowd was cheering, but their voices were muffled and indistinct. I lay sprawled on my back with the other ponies, staring at the crystal blue sky. A dry chuckle escaped me as I inspected my quivering fingers. We had won.

“I’m proud of you, Applejack.” Twilight Sparkle panted.

“Thanks.” The country girl smiled weakly.

“Integrity like that will always be… rewarded.” A safe choice of words, since the very next moment brought the (brief) soul-crushing announcement,

“Flim and Flam win!” The mayor declared. Her words were met with a mixture of gasps and exclamations of surprise from the crowd. I draped an arm over my eyes to avoid the girl’s expressions. Things had to get just a little worse before they could get better and I couldn’t bear to see Apple Bloom cry.

“Wh… Wh-” The filly stammered.

“We… lost?” Applejack breathed. I knew that the Apple’s defeat was only temporary, but it still would have been nicer if Flim and Flam weren’t the gloating type who liked to rub salt in their opponent’s wounds.

“Dawww, too bad, Apples.” A smiling pony in a straw hat strode across the grass with his mustachioed brother beside him.

“Guess you’ll just have to find a new line of work that doesn’t match your names quite so… perfectly.”

“Now, should we tear down all these tacky old buildings and put up new ones, brother?” Flim’s voice was the ear equivalent of taking pepper spray in the eyes.

“I don’t see why not, brother. After all, this isn’t ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ anymore.” Flam didn’t miss a beat. “How about ‘Flim Flam Fields’?” Once again, victory wasn’t enough for the twin unicorns. Flam’s horn blazed like a copper flame and a large, premade banner suddenly manifested over the Apple Family’s humble cider stand. On it was a pair of unicorn silhouettes magically conjuring a frothing cup of cider.

The muscles in Applejack’s neck were tight with emotion and Apple Bloom’s eyes swelled with tears, but it was actually Rainbow Dash who burned with the most passion.

“I oughta press you into jerk cider!” She cried. The pegasus leapt into the air, flared her wings and charged at the two antagonists, but Applejack was quick to intervene. Dash stared behind her in surprise as her tail was caught firmly in the earth pony’s mouth.

“No, Rainbow Dash. A deal’s a deal.” Applejack explained. Even in the face of such devious opponents, the orange earth pony wore her honor high and clean. At least the twins couldn’t take that from her. Though, it only stood to contrast between the two party’s character when the business brothers continued their sniggering. (Though technically an evil laugh, I’d only call it a 1. Maaayyybe a 2 if I took into account how they were twisting it into the Apple’s hearts like a knife. Sheesh, at first I thought Flim and Flam were just mildly amusing antagonists, but upon further inspection, I realize that they’re really quite nasty pricks.)

“Congratulations to y’all.” Applejack’s voice cracked. “The cider business in Ponyville… is yours.” Then, turning to her family she muttered, “C’mon, Apples. Let’s go pack up our things.”

The four earth ponies began a walk of shame past the spectators, some of which had tears in their eyes, others merely expressions of disbelief. Like a rotten tomato aimed at Applejack, Flim tossed one last comment to the onlookers,

“Fear not, everypony, there’s more than enough cider to go around.” More nasally laughing. Yet, even in defeat, the noble country girl didn’t want her friends to feel bad for her sake.

“Go ahead, everypony.” She offered. “Go on, y’all. It’s okay...” Remarkably, that didn’t help and more than one tear fell while watching the Apples leave. On Pinkie Pie’s part, it was more like twin waterfalls, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since Team Rocket.

I only stood back and scrutinized the scene with a pronounced disconnect. In a way, I figured it was healthy to let Ponyville feel guilty about the Apple’s defeat. After all, it was their appetite for cheap cider that had brought the tragedy down upon them, so it was only fair that they felt the weight of their choice, even if for a moment.

And it really did last only a moment. Just as the remorse in the crowd had brewed into a healthy dissatisfaction, Flim and Flam broke open a couple of their kegs and tried to serve their winning “cider”. The results were priceless.

“Drink up, Ponyville! Down the hatch!” Flam pressed. Cider was a swigging drink, not a sipping one, but as soon as the ponies tried to down their first flagons, their bodies automatically (and violently) rejected the drought.

“Ugh!”

“Aww!”

“Eww!”

“Augh, I can’t get the taste off my tongue!” Poor Cherry Berry gagged like a cat ejecting a hairball.

“Mine’s got rocks in it!” Bon Bon’s voice had been twisted into an odd wailing noise.

“I wouldn’t pay even one cent for this dreck!” Murmurs of discontent rose from the crowd like a swarm of bees.

“You wouldn’t pay even one cent?” Flam clarified.

“No!” Was the resounding answer. The twins quickly held a whispered conversation between each other.

“How about two cups for one cent?” Flam tried to pacify.

“No!” He was stonewalled. More hurried whispers.

“Two bits for a barrel?” The business ponies’ voices had a hint of pleading tone in them.

“No!” The crowd snapped.

“Here’s the bus, boys.” I whispered with more than a touch of glee. “You’re going under it.”

“It looks like we’ve encountered a slight… problem here in Ponyville.” Flam doffed his straw hat, smiling nervously.

“Nopony wants our product.” Flim agreed. Their solution? Cut and run. “Next town?”

“Next town. Let’s go, Flim.”

“Let’s go, Flam!”

And, faster than a jackrabbit with a dog on its heels, the twins hopped atop their mighty contraption and chugged off down the road. Nothing was left of them but some tire tracks, a broken fence, a mountain of swill and a bad taste in the mouth. (Both figuratively and literally.)

“… They’re gone…” Applejack’s voice was quiet, as if afraid her eyes were playing tricks on her. It warmed my heart to see that moment of awe, the moment the glow returned to her freckled face. Twilight Sparkle quickly stepped up beside her friend to assure her that she wasn’t dreaming.

“That means Sweet Apple Acres is still in business!” The twin’s fall had been so complete and so fast that the mayor hadn’t even been given a chance to sign the land title over to them.

“Plus, we can have high quality Apple family cider!” Smiles blossomed in the crowd like a field of daisies.

“Because of this silly competition, we’ve made enough of our cider for the whole town!” Apple Bloom popped up behind the sales stall with a fresh keg of cider fitted into the dispenser. At the sight of the little filly back where she belonged, the crowd gave a hearty cheer, a combination of apology and relief all in one.

“Even enough for Rainbow Dash!” I smiled broadly at my blue feathered friend. “But wait, Apple Bloom, wasn’t this ‘silly competition’ your idea?” It didn’t matter. No pony was listening.

For over an hour after the end of the showdown, all of Ponyville fell into a celebration of drinking, laughing and singing. The Apple Cider flowed freely, warming everyone body and soul. Yes, even Rainbow Dash’s. (Especially Rainbow Dash’s.) Applejack eventually wrote her “Proverbs 22:29” letter to the princess and the crowd eventually broke up into little groups and drifted back to Ponyville. I lingered with the girls as long as I could, reveling in the afterglow of an episode well-done.

Finally, even they left, leaving me to wander the orchard alone with Applejack. We each carried one last flagon of drink as we surveyed the damage the SSCS6K had meted out on her south field. It would take a lot of work to repair, but despite that, I only felt merry and carefree.

“Na, na, naaa, nan a downhome southern saint! Na nan a nan a naa, nan a sayin’ things that ain’t. Sweet as apple cider an’ with spice enough to spare! Na naana na naa, a na naa...” I laughed unabashedly as I swung my drink in time with my favorite Applejack-themed Ponyphonic song. It had some serious editing-on-the-fly considering the company I was in, but I belted it out regardless.

“Enjoyin’ the cider, Mark?” Applejack giggled.

“Perhaps a little, *burp*, a little too much.” I pulled my wayward eyes together as I glanced down into my mug. “Funny, I haven’t felt this funny since… Wait, you’ve gotta be kitten me! There’s actually alcohol in this stuff?”

“Sure as sunrise. You saying you thought all of Ponyville would turn out for fancy apple juice?”

“Doesn’t taste like alcohol…” My voice echoed in the large wooden container. “Though it’d explain why it feels like my head’s in a fishbowl. I thought I was just a happy guy.”

“Well, y’all earned it after what you pulled off today.” My friend sighed. “I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

“Well I’m just proud of Rainbow Dash.” I waved a hand in the general direction of the pegasus’s house. “She was getting’ freakishly into the Flim and Flam hype and then, poof! Dropped it all to help out a friend. See, that-that’s loyalty right there.”

“She’s a strong ‘un, I’ll give her that.” The earth pony assented. “I’d tell her so myself, but I think it’d go straight to her head. It ain’t easy running with Big Mac. Especially after that potion you gave ‘im. Big feller started movin’ like he’d got ants up his britches.” She laughed at the imagery. “How long’ve you been carrying that around for, anyway?”

“Oh, yeah, the second wind potion…” I stifled a burp. “Funny thing about that, forgot to warn Big Mac, but he’s going to feel sleepy for about a day or so. Think of it like he’s been running on borrowed time and now he’s gotta pay it back.” Even with a head full of Flufflepuff, I was able to sidestep the question.

“Last I saw him, he was curling up under a tree.” Applejack glanced behind her.

“Well, I hope he’s comfortable, because he isn’t moving for a while. Aaannnd, I should also mention that when he does get going again, he’s gonna have a titanic appetite.”

“So, same as he always is?” My friend smiled. “Ok, I’ll be sure to warn him.”

“Um… and can you also tell him that there’s a tiny, random, pretty good chance, actually really probable, unavoidable side-effect where his pee may or may not turn algae green? That’s normal too.”

“He what? No way! I ain’t talking to my brother about what color showers he’s supposed to be raining!”

“But it’s kind of freaky the first time-”

“Then you tell ‘im! It’s your potion!”

“He’s your brother!”

“You’re a guy! You tell him! And why’d you whip up something that’d do that to a pony?”

“Well, it was the only endurance potion I could brew. Anything else requires distilled wind essence and that stuff’s expensive!”

“You keep mixing up potions like you’ve been doin’, and pretty soon you’ll either have more bits than Filthy Rich or a hot crater where the library used to be!” I winced at that. “Ah, well, guess I can’t complain. We were mighty fortunate you just happened to be carrying that-oop!” Applejack stumbled over a fallen branch, sloshing her cider onto the ground. I stepped forward to support her, but she had already recovered, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Watch your step.” She apologized. Ruefully, she glanced down at the obstacle she had tripped over. A note of sorrow laced her voice as she muttered, “Those boys really did a number on this place, didn’t they?”

“Actually,” I broke into a proud grin, “potions for plants were some of the very first things Zecora taught me.” I gestured to a disemboweled tree trunk where a large branch had been ripped out like an arm from its socket. “With a little help from Twilight’s lab, and all that applesauce the SSCS6k left behind, I’m sure we’ll be able to brew up enough healing potions and super-fertilizers to close these wounds right up. Maybe even replace what was lost. Especially with scenarios like this one.” I pointed to a tree with no leaves. “Or even that one.” The next specimen was a tree stump bleeding orange sap. “It’s easier when you still have the parent tree as a template.” My feet paused on the edge of a large jagged hole where an apple tree had once stood. “Now that? That’s going to be a little trickier.”

“Don’t you worry none. We’ll get some new saplings goin’ soon as next season starts.” Applejack assured me. “But it’s amazin’, you being able to salvage what’s left of these.”

“I’m just sorry they got damaged at all.” I took a gulp of cider.

“Well, when considering that we coulda lost the whole farm today, I’d say it’s a small price t’ pay.”

“Heh! Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t know what we would’ve done if y’all hadn’t stepped up.” Something about Applejack’s voice sounded distant, as if she was staring into an unpleasant alternate reality. I tried to reassure her,

“Well, you still had the superior product-”

“But we didn’t!” Applejack interrupted. “Those boys had a mighty fine contraption. It actually made decent cider ‘an it made enough for the whole town! By all rights, they should’ve won.”

“Nah, don’t say that. Once they cranked it up, they were doomed to fail.” I didn’t understand why Applejack was letting her opponents upset her after they had been soundly beaten. That is, not until she pressed,

“But you acted like you knew they were going to ruin their recipe.” At her words, I suddenly found myself unable to swallow my drink. “They never had that problem before, but you knew it was gonna come back to bite them.”

“I didn’t know, per se…” I guffawed. My mind frantically cast a line out for any convincing red herrings and reeled in the first thing it found, “I just made an educated guess. They had to cut corners somewhere.”

“So, let me get this straight. You offered to help so they’d be forced to turn up their machine so their quality would drop so Ponyville wouldn’t buy their pig’s slop and they’d be kicked out of town, is that about right?”

“Technically, it was Twilight’s idea to help.” I reminded. Even if I had pushed this world’s Twilight in the right direction, I had still gotten the original idea from the TV show’s Twilight. (It’s the Song of Storms paradox all over again!)

“I gotta admit, that’s a level of clever I can’t help but admire. I’m just glad it’s on our side.” Applejack beamed warmly and tilted her hat respectfully. My stomach melted at the sight of her and my knuckles turned white around my flagon.

By that point, I’d been working side-by-side with Applejack for almost a year, always doing my best to keep pace with her, always failing, and always feeling as if I was dragging her down or holding her back. More than once, I had reached the conclusion that she only employed me because she felt pity for me and even then, she had always done it in a way where she still made me feel appreciated. That moment in the south orchard was the first time she had ever looked at me with genuine respect. But I couldn’t accept it.

Insightful, clever, witty, whatever she thought I was that day was a farce. Everything impressive about me had been ripped directly from the show. Any praise she had for me wasn’t mine at all because I was cheating.

These thoughts pushed down on my shoulders until I slowly sat myself on the top of a grassy knoll. Applejack came up beside me and together we stared over the endless treetops to the sinking sun beyond. I searched for a subtle way I could deflect her admiration without betraying what I knew.

“We just got lucky.” Was all I could muster. Her freckled cheeks lifted in a smirk as she countered,

“An’ sometimes we make our own luck.”

At that moment, I seriously considered telling her the truth. We were in a perfectly controlled environment; we were alone, I was with the most level-headed pony in town, and we both had nothing but respect for each other. I wanted to explain everything, about Earth, about the show, about why I knew about events before they happened, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. At that moment, more than ever, I was reminded of what such a revelation would cost me. “Friends” was almost too weak a word to describe what the girls were to me. Every day brought new lessons that helped me grow as a person and every day I had watched the girls grow up right beside me. That type of cooperative sculpting went beyond casual acquaintances, we were tighter than the Fellowship of the Ring, and nothing could ever change that.

Nothing, that is, except for doubt. It wasn’t a stretch of the imagination to picture my secret as a form of betrayal. My actions could be misinterpreted, my motives could be twisted, my fellowship could be skewed. If I revealed that I already knew who the girls were before I met them, then what’s to prove that my relationship with them had ever been genuine or if it was just another false supplement provided by the TV show? I could lose their trust, I could lose their acceptance.

I could lose my new home.

On the other hoof, prolonging the ruse was no better. It was just as much a fraud, just as much a lie and, worst of all, was selfishness in its purest form.

My muddled brain couldn’t handle the stress of these arguments orbiting each other. In its inebriation, it couldn’t even articulate them properly. Instead, all I could do was sigh and rest my chin on my knees. Unfortunately, the sound that escaped me was more like a moan.

“Something wrong?” Applejack looked at me anxiously.

“No, I’m good.”

“Now hold up, partner, that ain’t the truth and we both know it. If you’ve got a fire under you, I’m here to listen. After all, I owe you a heart-to-heart after what you pulled at Dodge Junction.”

“I didn’t ‘pull’ anything. I just woke up earlier than the others is all.” I retorted, swirling the last of my cider as I tried to arrange my thoughts. “I was just thinking… about what you said earlier… Do you really see me as an ‘honorary family member’?”

“Of course!” Applejack answered cautiously. “Is that all right by you?”

“Well, we’re not really related, you know.” I smiled down at her.

“That don’t matter.” She quickly asserted. “After all, family’s about more than the two who brought you into the world, it’s about the ones who get to share your story once you’re here. You an’ the others are what makes me who I am and I know I can count on you no matter how the cookie crumbles.”

“I like that definition of ‘family’.” A grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. “And it might help explain what’s tripping me up.”

“And what’s that, hon?”

“The fact that today I saw you as family too.” I turned to face Applejack. Her warm green eyes looked back, patient and reassuring. “For some reason, it meant a lot to me to hear you say so. When I first arrived in Equestria, I was perfectly happy just meeting you. And then becoming your friend was even better! But, and I feel terrible for saying this, I don’t think the magic of friendship is the cure-all-end-all I first thought it was. I feel guilty for wanting anything more, but I’ve been feeling oddly alone, even when we’re all together, and I don’t know why.”

“Aw, sugarcube, I know exactly why.” A strange look mingled in my friend’s eyes, a water painting between sympathy and regret. “You’re not home yet.”

My soggy brain flipped these words over like an omelet, but I couldn’t find the logic in them. If I were back “home”, as it were, then by all rights, she and I wouldn’t be having our conversation. Not to mention, it was an exchange about feeling closer to her, so,

“What does Earth have to do with this?” I murmured. To my surprise, the country girl broke out laughing, a hearty, half-singing holler.

“Sorry, pumpkin, but that wasn’t what I was getting’ at.” She quickly corrected, “Just like ‘family’ doesn’t always mean your kin, ‘home’ doesn’t always mean where you were reared.”

“Oh… You mean like ‘home is where you hang your heart’, then?”

“Nicely put.” Applejack looked thoughtfully at her cutiemark and sighed. “Home is the place you belong. I found that one out on the most important day of my life. Sure was lucky that my family was my ‘family’ and my home was my ‘home’, but I think you’re the same as I was. Only difference is you’re takin’ a mite longer to find where you belong.”

“But if I’m like you, then what did you find that I’m still missing?” I pressed. “What am I looking for?”

“Wish I had an easy answer for you,” She said helplessly, “Sounds to me like y’all want to start making a family of your own, a home of your own, a place to be a part of, but something’s telling you that you can’t. Not yet. That’s why the confusion.” As Applejack finished, a genuinely pained expression tightened her jaw.

She didn’t have to say anything more. We both knew that there were some things that had always separated me from the rest of the ponies of Equestria and always would. No matter how deep I buried the thoughts, no matter how much I tried to forget, the fact remained that this was a ‘human in Equestria’ story and I was the only one of my kind in the entire world. As long as I stayed in that land, I would never meet someone who could sympathize with me over a stubbed toe, I would never be able to hold hands with someone I cared for, and I would never find someone to start my own family with.

“I see…” A whisper slipped from my lips. Even amongst all my friends, I was not immune to this type of loneliness. Indeed, the closer I got to them, the more acutely I felt our differences. Still, it wasn’t fair to pull my friends into my personal melancholy. “Thank you, Applejack… For everything.”

All of a sudden, the country girl leaned into me and pressed her face into my shoulder. My surprise almost bowled me over as surely as the unexpected shift in weight. In confusion, I tried to catch her eye, but all I could see from my position was the top of her broad hat. Instead, I felt her, the warmth coming off her cheek, the strong heartbeat in her chest, the gentle rising of her sigh. It occurred to me just how long it had been since I last felt that kind of contact.

“You’re still looking.” I heard from beneath the hat. “You’re still wandering. You’re not home yet, and I can still remember what that was like. I’m sorry I can’t help you find what you need, but I want you to know, Mark, that no matter where that rocky road of life takes you, no matter how long it takes, you can always come home to Sweet Apple Acres.”

After that, it was all I could manage to control my breathing. It took a few seconds of slow, deep lungful’s of air before I was confident I could speak around the coconut that had manifested in my throat. When I had finally regained control of myself, I put my arm over Applejack’s shoulder and pulled her closer.

“Sure thing… It is, after all, where my ‘family’ is.”

* * *

I wouldn’t describe the creature that stumbled into Twilight’s library that night as something the cat dragged in. Instead, I’m sure I more closely resembled something dragged in by whatever it was the cat dragged in.

“Mark!?” Twilight Sparkle cried, astonished at my haggard appearance. The sun had long since set and the library was full of orange lamplight, but even in its warm glow, I was sure my face was sea green and my eyes were watery. My feet shuffled across the floor uneasily and I held my stomach tenderly, but for all that, my smile was as big and broad as a crescent moon.

“Heh… hey, Twilight…” I gurgled.

“What happened to you?” The purple unicorn rushed forward to support my wobbling frame.

“AJ and I were out in the orchard and we found a wild crabapple tree. They were ripe, too, like juicy little cranberries. Of course, what else was there to do but turn it into a crabapple-eating competition? There may or may not have been alcohol involved...”

“Oh dear.” She flinched as the hand that was holding my stomach suddenly leapt up to my mouth to stifle an unpleasant gag. “How many did you end up eating?”

“Bleventeen?” I said weakly.

“Oh dear.” My friend carried me over to my bed and lowered me onto it. “Try not to move, I’m going to get you some medicine for your stomach… And a bucket too.”

“Thanks.” My eyes stared at the ceiling as I rolled onto my back, still smiling. In the next room, her hooves could be heard trotting across the wooden floor. When she returned, she was levitating a vial, a cup and a bucket with her and shaking her head incredulously.

“Why would you compete in something like that. You know that can’t be healthy for you.”

“Yeah.” I hiccuped.

“I mean, she’s a pony, after all. Her stomach is built for things like that, not yours.”

“Yeah.”

“And she’s practically grown up eating apples.” Twilight Sparkle measured some syrupy medicine into the cup and floated it to me. All the while, she scolded, “What makes you think you ever stood a chance against her?”

“Because maybe, just for a minute, she felt… human…” The smile finally dropped from my face and a silence filled the room. Twilight watched me quietly as I gingerly sipped the tonic. Even at the tail-end of my cider intoxication, I could tell she had something on her mind by the way her eyes kept avoiding me.

“You like her, don’t you?” She finally asked the question. The awkward question. The dangerous question that had the power to divide an entire fandom into the “platonic” and “amorous” parties. Still, I held out,

“I don’t know if I like her or envy her.” The medicine rose up in my throat, but I forced it back down. “She’s the picture of contentment. At perfect peace with herself and the world around her. If only we were all so lucky.” A few more seconds of silence passed.

“Are you happy here?” Twilight nudged.

“Of course I am!” I coughed. “No use beating a dead hors- Sorry! Pardon the expression.”

“I mean, are you happy here?” She iterated. I took a deep breath.

“I’m not naïve, Twilight. It’s a normal part of growing up to leave behind the things you know and forge your new path through life. Make no mistake, I’ve been nothing but blessed by you guys. I’m still just coming to grips with the fact that there’s an incredibly high chance that I’ll live out my life as the only human this world has ever seen. A fulfilled life, make no mistake, but lonely in its own way.”

“Yeah…” Twilight’s ears folded back against her neck. “You never mention it, but the others and I knew you must be feeling something like that. They all want to help, but we decided not to bring it up until you were ready to talk about it.”

“I think technically the Apple family adopted me.” The chuckle that shook me immediately turned into a groan.

“As far as we’re concerned, we all adopted you.” The mare added. My head lolled over to flash her a playful grin.

“Aww, that’s sweet of y’all.” I blinked. “Oh my gosh, I actually used ‘y’all’, didn’t I?”

“I don’t know if they will help, but I’ve found a couple stories I think you’ll find interesting.” Twilight Sparkle ducked out of the room momentarily and returned with a half-dozen novels hovering around her head. “This one, ‘Feathermane’, is about a gryphon that was raised by ponies. And this one by Silver Lining is a classic about a balloonist stranded in a remote pegasus settlement. My recommendation, though, would have to be the ‘Walker’ series by Looking Glass, because of, well, I guess that’s a spoiler...”

“You sound like my mom at the beginning of summer break.” I shook my head.

“They’re all fictional, though. I couldn’t find a lot of historic text that paralleled your… situation.”

“No, that’s fine.” My eyes squeezed shut. “Sometimes fiction is more real than you think.” When I looked at Twilight, however, I saw her biting her bottom lip fiercely. There was a battle going on behind her eyes, but I couldn’t divine the two factions. Finally, one side began to dominate and she muttered,

“You know… I’ve also been thinking, looking through some tomes, and there are some shape-shifting spells that… I don’t know, could let you, I mean, let me let you, look like a pony… I guess.”

Long seconds ticked through the air as her words sank in. Slowly, I recalled just how boundless Equestrian magic was when cast by a skilled wielder. Trixie could reverse a pony’s body clock, Star Swirl could open doors to pocket dimensions, and even Twilight could half-turn a frog into an orange. A memory suddenly floated to the surface of my mind of the unicorn student turning all her friends into breezies. I could practically envision a photo of all my friends, but instead of me standing in the middle of them, it was my OC.

“No!” I sat bolt-upright in bed, ignoring my stomach’s protests. “No! I did not need that now! No, Twilight, bad. Not fair! That’s not fair!”

“Why not?” She gently tried to push me back down, or at least angle me towards the bucket. “Sure, it might take some getting used to, but at least you wouldn’t get ponies staring at you for being different, right?”

“Because it’s tempting! I'm tempted, but it won’t solve anything!” I insisted. “You should know better than that, Twilight Sparkle! I finally learned how to appreciate me for who I am and you’re inviting me to just flush that down the toilet? After all, aren't you the one always going on about our friends and how much better we are when we embrace what makes us special or different? Or was the whole episode with Trixie not enough for you? It turned out to be a good thing you were unique, right?”

“I guess…”

“Besides, didn’t we just save Sweet Apple Acres by combining our different talents? No, but become a pony just like everyone else, Mark, and you won’t have to worry about the occasional side-glance.” I swallowed a burp angrily. “And what about Spike? Have you offered him this opportunity?”

“This is different.” Twilight argued. “He’s grown up his whole life with ponies, and he’s still too young to think about future relationships.”

“You might be surprised.” I grunted.

“I just thought you might want to try it.” My friend huffed. I rubbed my eyes and turned down my volume.

“That’s very thoughtful of you. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Twilight, but unfortunately, it only makes more problems than it solves. Not the least of which is what if it does work? What if I start meeting ponies who I really connect with and then I have to turn around and let them know I’m not a pony? ‘Sorry, agent J, but Laura just happens to be an alien princess after all!’ ‘Sorry, Lan, but Iris just happens to be a netnavi after all!’ ‘Sorry, Eliwood, but Ninian just happens to be a dragon after all!’ I think I’ve gone through enough ‘deceit’ friendship lessons for you to know how I’d feel about that.”

“You mean, ‘oh, what a tangled web we weave’?” Twilight assented. “I guess you would know what that feels like.”

“Heh…” She didn’t know the half of it.

“But you don’t think you’d like to try being a unicorn for a day?”

“I’m good, thanks. We already determined that my problems with magic are due to my wavelength, and that’s not going to change by putting on a mask. No, and I’m rather fond of my thumbs too.”

“I understand.” Twilight Sparkle turned away from the bed. “And you’re right. That’s a very mature decision.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you from researching it…” I pulled myself onto one elbow. “I mean, just in case we ever do need it.” Never know when you need to turn into a feather-winged bug, after all.

“Got it. I’ll do that.” She called back, “You just focus on getting better. Stay away from crabapples for a few days.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” I urped. As she softly closed the door behind her, I let my head fall back against my pillow.

By that point, I was convinced that the show’s second season might as well have been called ‘Family is Magic’. Rarity and Sweetie Belle had gone through their sisterly bonding, Apple Bloom had decided not to disown Granny Smith, Pumpkin and Pound Cake had come into the world, and even Rainbow Dash had welcomed a new (actually, very old) tortoise into her home. Now, I had been unofficially adopted by my closest friends.

Still, it’s important to note that ‘family’ wasn’t a term I swung around lightly. No mere tier above ‘friendship’ was it, it entailed commitment, dedication, and sometimes conflict, and it was beyond the relationship event horizon. Once made, it could never be nullified. Even so, I wasn’t going to shy away from that responsibility and the upcoming episodes would have plenty of opportunities for me to look after me and my own. One particular occasion that leapt to mind was in the case of Twilight Sparkle’s own family.

Specifically, her future sister-in-law.

Author's Note

Dear me! I'm going to have to pick up the pace if I want to reach some important plot twists before Season 6 is over!

Ch 15: Time Is On My Side

Chapter 15
Time is on My Side

“Changelings… Why is it always changelings?” My eyes narrowed at the swarm of indistinguishable black bodies skittering around me. Their bug-like eyes leered at me from every direction and from within their narrow jaws, sharp fangs gleamed in the low light.

“Since when is it ‘always’ changelings?” A disembodied voice slithered through the air.

“Please.” I chuckled. “You minions are just faceless cannon fodder! First, you got roasted at the wedding, and then got follow-up whoopings from the fanimations ‘Once Upon a Time in Canterlot’ and its sequel, ‘Guardian’. You appear in the Gameloft game only to get banished over and over again and heck, you even appeared in ‘Rhythm is Magic’ for chopping practice. And let’s not go into the comics. Face it, as far as minions go, you’re on the same level as storm troopers and koopas.”

“Silence! I kill you!” The space around me constricted as my foes encroached upon every side. When I spoke again, it was in Johnny Depp’s voice,

“Aye, but you forgot one very important thing, mate.”

“What’s that?” The ring of fangs surrounded me like barbed wire.

“I’m captain Jack Sparrow.” A smirk splashed across my face. The room fell into confused silence.

“No you’re not!” The changelings hissed.

“Nah, you’re right.” I pulled a black mask over my mouth and held two fingers in front of my face. “I’m a ninja!”

As fast as thought, I materialized behind the closest assailant and smashed a shinai into the back of its head. By the time their muffled yelp had reached my ears, I was already on the far side of the room, repeating the process. Star Fox, Pikachu, even Sonic would have been hard pressed to follow my movements as I dove into the heart of the changeling army, a one-man tempest.

I burst through their line and hugged the ground as my momentum carried me across the floor like a curling stone. The relentless swarm pursued me like iron filings chasing a magnet, their angry wings beating the air into a hurricane as they took flight. I flicked my hands upwards and the first six assailants fell to the ground, steel shuriken buried in their chests.

“Enough!” Dozens of popping noises, like erupting corn, filed the air and flashes of green fire encircled me. In their wake, snarling black changelings apparated with curled lips and taut muscles. The curved horn in their foreheads blazed with malevolent energy. Once again, a laugh rose from my throat.

“They’re so cute when they’re serious.” My hand floated to my belt and seized a small glass orb. The myriad of mouths around me opened wide for a chance to pierce my throat. I sneered, “It’s high time you learned you’re outclassed.”

I smashed the orb at my feet and leapt skyward like a bottle rocket. Beneath me, the changelings were instantly enveloped by a cloud of pink smoke. As I hung in the air, I could hear their squeals of surprise, the coughing as the gas entered their lungs, and finally their groans as their glassy eyes flickered shut. A series of thumps sounded from the mist as the fearsome changelings feel into a deep sleep.

“… I win.” Chuckling, I fell back towards the battlefield.

However, instead of descending faster and faster, I found myself slowing as if falling through water. Gradually, steadily, I sank until my feet had almost touched the ground.

Then I woke up.

“Mmm, now that’s what I would call a good dream.” I sucked in a heavy dose of atmosphere as my mind resynchronized with my physical body. I was laying on my back in the darkness of Twilight’s house with the moon hanging lazily outside my window. The next few moments were spent basking in the precious afterglow of my delightful reverie before I sent a surge of power into my muscles and leapt to the floor. All thoughts of sleep forgotten, I flipped on a lamp, shoved a pile of alchemy books aside, and slapped a piece of notepaper onto a nearby desk.

“Smoke bombs? Tranquilizer grenade? Sleeping gas? Whatever it was, it’s perfect!” I giggled. Filled with inspiration, my hand began scribbling down details and hashing out sketches of the weapon I had used back in dreamland.

So absorbed in my project was I that I almost didn’t realize I wasn’t the only one foregoing sleep that night. A sliver of orange light squeezed beneath my door and the soft sound of hooffalls echoed from the library. Feeling it was my duty to investigate, I laid down my quill and gently pushed my door open.

“Twilight?” Before me, the purple unicorn was feverishly pacing back and forth, levitating a swarm of calendars around her head and mumbling to herself anxiously. Late-night projects were nothing new for the student, hence her nocturnal pet, but I still figured it was polite to sound concerned.

“Oh, hi Mark.” She said curtly, still pacing.

“No sleep for you, then?” I glanced at the clock on the mantle. The hands were held at a drowsy 3am.

“Of course not! There’s no time for sleep! Who has time to sleep in the middle of a crisis!?”

“Umm… Most of Ponyville, by the looks of it.” I glanced at the deep purple sky outside the windows. “But what do you mean by crisis?” I had a feeling I was going to regret asking.

“Here!” A nebulous purple light snatched a day planner off the floor and thrust it into my hands. “Now do you see what’s wrong?”

“A travesty.” I nodded. “What am I looking at?”

“Look!” A hoof reached over the top of the planner and gestured at the days. “I just finished planning my schedule for the month, but I forgot to leave time to plan for next month! Don’t you see? There’s no time in my schedule to put together another schedule!”

“Again? Didn’t you do this last time too?” Funny thing was, she had. Two months ago, she had forgotten to schedule time to write last month’s schedule. Apparently, in her frantic bid to reschedule her schedule from two months ago, she had forgotten to schedule in time to write a schedule for herself about scheduling in time to schedule time for this month’s schedule. (Show of hands, did we lose anyone? *raises hand*)

“And I woke up from an ice cream dream for this…” I looked up to see Spike at the top of the stairs, squinting in the lamplight. He grumbled and turned back to the welcoming embrace of his bedsheets.

“Let me see what you have so far.” My voice bore all the hallmarks of a person who thought Twilight’s problem hardly qualified as a ‘crisis’, but knew how much it meant to her anyway. She hesitated, as if afraid letting me read her calendar would cut into her schedule even more, but finally relented. I scanned over the rows and columns while I picked sleep out of my eyes.

“I could move my meeting with the Ponyville Hay Board to the following Tuesday,” Her eyes searched the air above her. “but then I have to reschedule my lunch with Pinkie Pie, and you know what a nightmare she is with scheduling. This is an absolute disaster. My whole year could be thrown off!”

“Solved it.” I announced.

“What? How!?” Twilight’s misty aura snatched the planner out of my hand so quickly, it nearly pulled me over.

“It’s simple, really. You forgot one very important factor. Me.” I tapped Tuesday (or, the Equestrian equivalent) “I could do the grocery run for you today and boom! There’s the half-hour you need.”

“I hadn’t thought of that…” She pondered.

“Kind of figured.” Relying on others for help wasn’t a friendship lesson that’d fully take root in the young student until ‘The Crystal Empire pt. II’.

“Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, Mark. Thanks.” Twilight Sparkle stopped pacing and her breathing returned to its regular, steady rhythm. She suddenly looked at me as if she had just realized that I was standing there. “What are you doing up at three in the morning?”

“Oh, you know, stuff.” I jabbed a thumb over my shoulder. “Got an awesome idea for an area-of-effect sleeping potion.”

“Ooh, may I see it?” The unicorn’s ears perked up. I quickly retrieved my notes and explained, somewhat sheepishly,

“It’s just a concept right now, but the idea is to neutralize hostile creatures quickly and safely. Think of it as a delivery system for the ultimate riot suppressant.”

“And, what method were you going to use to diffuse the potion?” Twilight’s purple eyes flitted over a drawing of a circle with arrows radiating out of it like the spokes of a wheel.

“See, that’s the thing. I don’t know.” I scratched the back of my head. “At first, I was thinking of just pressurizing the potion or even putting a small explosive inside, but-”

“But then you’d need custom reinforced bottles and you’d still have to worry about flying shrapnel.” The student nodded. “If I were you, I’d add a self-repelling compound, like thunder dust, into your potion. It wouldn’t be explosive, but it would still distribute a uniform amount of potion over a symmetrical area in seconds. It’s also safer to bottle, since you can use a decaying formula to pour it at room temperature and then let it mature over a day or so. I’d recommend moonmist as your sleep potion since it’s a stable liquid, but will quickly evaporate once released.”

“That’s… a better idea than sticking a cherry bomb in a cup of ether.” I conceded, a little abashed at my own redneck design. To redeem myself, I added, “And, if I made a mask laced with those same thunder dust ions, it would repel the fumes and keep the wearer from being affected.”

Twilight Sparkle glanced at the clock once more and did a quick mental calculation.

“If you agree to do the grocery run for the rest of the week, and clean Owlowiscious’s perch tomorrow, I could help you put the finishing touches on your invention.”

“Deal.” To me, the cost was well worth the reward. Especially when considering what ‘hostile creatures’ had inspired me.

A couple hours later, the distant call of a rooster heralded the return of the sun. Twilight Sparkle and I were huddled over the results of our night’s work, oblivious to the golden rays that slowly overwhelmed our feeble lamplight. Before us, a finalized recipe for the ‘sleep grenade’ had been compiled and all that was left was to pen the last ingredient ratios.

“If I’ve got this right, the dust ions form a stable spread plateau at about fifteen percent, resulting in maximum spread at minimum volume.”

“Heh, ‘if’.” I chuckled. “Give yourself some credit, Twilight, you’re brilliant.” A gentle breeze licked the back of my neck.

“You can use my aether vat,” Twilight offered, “But you’ll have to wait until I’m done with my polish potions homework. We really need to get you your own lab.” A wave of wind swept up her notes like tree leaves.

“Can’t wait.” I smiled, holding down my potions recipe so that it wouldn’t blow away. A thoughtful frown creased my face as I finally glanced over my shoulder. “Hey, did someone leave the door open?”

“What did you say?” My friend looked up just in time to see a glittering ember fly past her nose. “Huh?”

It was only then that the two of us noticed the churning singularity that had blossomed in the middle of the library. The phenomena, a ringing, sparking, mote of light was whipping the atmosphere into a frenzy, scattering books and papers in all directions. I could feel the heaviness of magic drench the room and a harsh pulsing light, like the tip of a welding torch, cut into my eyes. Twilight Sparkle and I sat where we were, mute and dumbfounded by the unprovoked storm.

With one last effort, the point swelled until it was a small sun and then vanished in an instant. In its wake, an exhausted and disheveled pony held herself up on wobbly hooves. The newcomer, a purple unicorn mare, was dressed nape-to-fetlock in a tattered black jumpsuit and sported a patch over one lavender eye. With a subtle scar on her cheek and a singed mane tied high behind a forehead bandage, the pony gave off a fierce mien and, in general, looked all the world like she had just fallen out of an eighties post-apocalyptic movie. At her sudden manifestation, my thoughts started swimming in all directions like a school of frightened fish, but all I managed to articulate was,

“Oh…”

“Aah!” Twilight found her voice as she finally recognized the intruder through its haunting disguise. A fitting response to seeing yourself tattered and weak on the floor. The new (well, technically older) Twilight Sparkle turned her one good eye towards us and leapt to her hooves.

“Twilight! You’ve got to listen to me!” NewTwi panted.

“Who are you?” Twilight flinched. “I mean, you’re me, but I’m me too. How can there be two me’s? It’s not scientifically possible. You are not scientifically possible!” Said the talking purple unicorn magician.

“Twilight, please! I have a very important message for you from the future!” But NewTwi lost her audience yet again.

“You’re from the future!?”

“The ‘Terminator’ lightning wasn’t a giveaway?” I folded my arms, still trying to weigh whether or not I should intervene. Simply putting a hand over MyTwi’s mouth would cancel the entire episode, but I decided that it was a good lesson for her in the long run.

“That’s right, now liste-”

“What happened to you? The future must be awful. Is there some sort of epic pony war in the distant future or something?”

“Don’t interrupt, Twilight.” I spoke up. “Give her a change to talk. She’s obviously come a long way and-”

“Actually, I’m from next Tuesday morning.” NewTwi explained tersely.

“It’s time travel.” I defended. “Going back an hour would be ‘a long way’ if it’s supposed to be impossible.”

“I can’t believe time travel is really possible!” Twilight locked onto my words like a bird on a worm. “How did you, I mean, I figure it out?”

“The time spells are in the Canterlot archives, but that’s not-”

“Really? Where? I’ve never seen them.”

“They’re in the Star Swirl the Bearded wing. Now, you have to listen to-”

“Is time travel fun? Or does it hurt? I-”

“Twilight! You’re not letting Twiclops here get a word in edgewise!”

“Sorry, but I-” NewTwi suddenly stuck a hoof in her younger self’s mouth to stem the flow of questions. She spoke as quickly as she could, but veins of time magic were already beginning to envelop her once more.

“I have something extremely important to tell you about the future! And I only have a few seconds so you’ve got to listen! Whatever you do, don’t-”

There was a deafening humming, the air bent in upon itself and in the next moment, Newtwi was cut off for the last time. All that was left of her were a couple sparks of electricity and a singed spot on the floor.

“Future Twilight?” MyTwi stepped forward uncertainly. I watched as the gravity of what had just happened settled in her stomach like a bowling ball. We both stood in the middle of the library, our bodies stunned motionless as our brains digested what we had just seen. Twilight recovered first, but that’s because her problem was less intricate than mine.

“Oh no! What was she trying to warn me about? Her clothes, her mane, that scar… Oh, what a mess she is! I mean, I am, or, I will be…” She panicked.

“What’s all the noise down there?” Spike stumbled down the stairs, looking thoroughly unamused. “Are you two still practicing magic?”

“Spike!” Twilight sprung on the dragon like a mousetrap. “There’s not a moment to lose! We need to warn everypony! We need to tell them!”

“Tell them wha-?”

“Quick! I need my quills! And ink! And paper!” The student ran circuits around the library as if it were a racetrack. “I need to document this! Every detail! Every clue! Mark, put on your shoes, we’re leaving! Spike, where’s my saddle? No, no time for that! Mark? Mark! What are you standing there for?”

“Huh? Uh, right.” I shook myself awake and repeated, “Right! I’ll be right there, just let me put some clothes on!” And before the frantic pony could object, I had vanished into my room and locked the door behind me. The sounds of her dashing about outside were muted, but that only made me more aware of the blood pounding in my own ears. I took a deep breath to quiet the thoughts buzzing in my head and strode across the room to my bed.

I wasn’t worried about the episode, exactly. ‘It’s About Time’ was harmless enough, and everyone who’d met Twilight Sparkle would agree that she needed more ‘Matthew 6:34’ in her life. No, the thoughts that troubled me were on a slightly larger scale.

“Where are you?” I whispered as I thrust a hand beneath my mattress. My hungry fingers curled around a stiff object. It was a plain notebook, the kind that any school filly could buy for a single bit, but it was in those pages that I had first let my secrets bleed into the physical world. I flipped through the notes, watching as disjointed lines of broken English flew by. It was a journal, by me and for me, and I had taken multiple precautions that nopony could read it except me. (Precautions like using shorthand, hieroglyphs, codenames and my own illegible handwriting.)

No one knew better than me how dangerous it was to keep private information in a book, but I was not Sherlock Holmes and on a bad day, my ‘mind palace’ more closely resembled a van down by the river. However, despite the risk of keeping it, the notebook had come in handy during ‘The Mysterious Mare Do Well’, and even ‘The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000’. I thumbed through a couple more pages and stopped.

“Right…” My eyes skimmed over the page titled ‘I. A. T.’. There were a few lines about time travel and who should be where and when, but about halfway down, the sheet was dominated by one giant symbol scribbled in red ink. A big, fat, gluttonous, ‘T’.

“Tirek...”

I was torn. Day-to-day episodes like ‘It’s About Time’ and ‘The Last Roundup’ were shining moments of personal growth for the girls. Nopony’s lives were put in danger and the lessons they learned empowered them to aid other ponies down the road. I had no qualms (well, very few qualms) about letting my friends attend the school of hard knocks.

Tirek, however, was a heavy topic. (And no, that’s not a jab as how fat he got.) On the one hand, the final moment when Twilight Sparkle surrendered her power for her friends was an experience as heartfelt, if not more so, than the first night they had stood together against Nightmare Moon. The show had come full circle, first showing that friendship was magic via the Elements of Harmony, and then showing how even magic wasn’t worth the price of friendship. According to the episode, a new, purer, version of the power of Harmony was unlocked from the mysterious crystal chest and Twilight Sparkle would gain a gaudy castle to replace her library.

But was all that worth the risk of letting Tirek run free during ‘It’s About Time’? Was I willing to let a magic-guzzling megalomaniac prey on innocent ponies just to teach the girls yet one more friendship lesson? Could I even trust him to play his part? A cold tendril caressed my spine as I remembered how unpredictable villains were this time around. Discord had won his fight, even if he lost the war, the fire dragon had come painfully close to immolating my friends, and Nightmare Moon herself was prepared to murder Twilight Sparkle. How much less would the centaur lord value pony life?

“Mark! Hurry!” A sharp knock on my door caused me to jump.

“Sorry! On my way.” I glanced at the notebook once more and tucked it back into its hiding place. As I ran around the room, pulling on a shirt and a pair of pants, I came to a reluctant compromise. I would investigate Tartarus only after Cerberus gave me a plausible excuse to do so. At that point, if I found a gimpy centaur hobbling around, I would apprehend him. If not, then I would just have to accept the fact that the season 4 finale was still happening.

In the meantime, I had to pretend to be worried about next Tuesday.

Twilight Sparkle had no trouble finding her friends, partly due to Pinkie Pie organizing a breakfast buffet the day before. The hard part was keeping the townsponies from laughing at the librarian’s outlandish story.

“This is no laughing matter!” She pleaded, looking around. “We have a crisis on our hooves!”

The small crowd around her fell quiet and looked at each other uncertainly.

“I’ve just been visited by myself from the future.” In her defense, if there was a way to make that sound convincing, I didn’t know what it was.

After a moment of awkward silence, the ponies broke into giggles again.

“This isn’t a joke!” Twilight glared at the gathering. “My future self tried to warn me about a horrible disaster that’s going to occur sometime before next Tuesday morning!”

“She’s dead serious.” My voice swept over the ponies like a bucket of ice water. “One week from now, something’s going to happen that will make our law-abiding Twilight break the timeline just to warn us about it.”

“What kind of disaster?” Applejack stepped forward.

“I don’t know! I got sucked back into the future before I could explain!” Twilight admitted.

“Run for your liiiiffffe!” Everypony looked over to see Pinkie Pie hovering a few inches off the ground by a flock of balloons. Her legs pumped the air frantically, but uselessly.

“She’s not that dead serious.” I assured the pink pony.

“Whatever should we do, Twilight?” Rarity cried. “How do we stop the disaster if we don’t know what it is?”

“It’s even stickier than that.” I added. A plethora of curious eyes turned towards me. “This is time travel we’re talking about! We’re not talking about this,” my finger traced a triangle shape in the air. “or this,” I replaced it with a square. “we’re talking about this!” I finished with an inverted compound pretzel dodecahedron with looped vector corners.

“Makes sense to me.” Pinkie nodded.

“… Not me…” Fluttershy admitted.

“It’s simple.” The ballooning pony drifted backwards. “He’s wondering if Twilight doing what needs to be done is due to the visit she just gave herself and if that’s the case, then whatever we do would already have been done from future Twilight’s point of view, so we’re only doing what we did to do what we do so that she can redo what she’s already done. Dude!”

“If you say so.” The yellow pegasus smiled nervously.

“Simply put, how do we know that trying to avoid the calamity won’t cause it?” I finished.

“Pistachio!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “Ha! I bet I didn’t say that my future last time.”

“That’s not helping!” Twilight snapped. “We’re going on the theory that this is the first time I used the time spell, so we’re already in a new timeline!”

“Aww…” Pinkie hung her head. “Next time, I was going to say ‘badminton’.”

“We’ll just have to work together to make sure we’re safe this time around.” The unicorn student glanced skyward. “Rainbow Dash, you and the other pegasi spread out over Equestria and look for any kind of problem that could lead to a disaster. And I mean anything.”

“You got it!” With the sound of slicing wind, the cyan pegasus shot off over the rooftops.

“Everypony else-”

“Aaah! Aaaaaah!” Pinkie Pie floated through the crowd, running in mid-air and screaming at the top of her voice. She paused only long enough to extend an invitation, “Anypony else wanna panic with me? No? Aaah! Aaaaaa…”

“Everypony else,” Twilight resumed, “time to disaster-proof Equestria!”

Twilight had always been seen as a semi-leader in the community ever since Winter Wrap-Up, but with the threat of a cryptic disaster looming over the horizon, she showed Ponyville just how authoritative she could be. Safety patrols were organized to comb the neighborhoods, construction crews tested the integrity of every building, and even schoolfillies were conscripted as cleanup crews. Twilight Sparkle’s checklist of precautions stretched longer than Weird Al’s hardware store receipt and needed its own dowel to wrap around. One had to admire her tireless vigil, but I was burnt out after only two days.

“Ugh…” I half-sighed-half-groaned as I lay sprawled across the patio table. Opposite me, Applejack was hungrily pulling apart one of the lunch bags that Fluttershy was passing out. I was just as famished as she was, but for once in my life, the chance to catch my breath was more savory than food.

“You guys back from checking out the Everfree Forest?” Rainbow Dash landed heavily beside me.

“And Froggy Bottom Bog. And the Ghastly Gorge. And the diamond dog hills. And we asked Zecora to track the local manticores for us.” My head bobbed listlessly as I talked with my chin on the wood. “That’s the last time I think out loud around Twilight. All I did was mutter something about how the ‘crisis’ in question may possibly be a creature attack, and she immediately volunteered AJ and I to run the gauntlet around every beastie hotspot she could think of. I’m just glad she didn’t send us to Monstropolis… Yet.”

“But all’s clear.” Applejack shoved a fritter into her mouth.

“Well, me and my team just gave the ok from Fillydelphia all the way to Las Pegasus.” Dash said proudly. “Still didn’t see anything disaster-ish.”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash! You’re back already?” Fluttershy trotted up to our table with another lunch bag in her mouth.

“Flew the route myself.” The blue pegasus stretched her supple wings. “Think I actually set some sort o’ record getting to Applewood!”

“Nothing dangerous, I hope?” Fluttershy asked uncertainly. Everyone around the table shook their heads.

“Well, whatever ‘it’ is, I hope ‘it’ happens soon. The suspense is killing me.” I hauled myself upright and glanced at the distant hills. I wasn’t lying, but by ‘it’, of course, I was referring to Cerberus’s arrival and not Twilight’s imaginary crisis.

Somewhere beyond the horizon’s edge was an enigmatic place called ‘Tartarus’. Despite her extensive trivia knowledge of monster territories, Twilight hadn’t even mentioned the location during my scouting mission. Instead, I was forced to sacrifice precious hours of sleep the previous night to research it myself. Unfortunately, instead of any history on the place or roster of potential inmates, all I found were ambiguous assurances that whatever was in there was safely locked away. Perhaps that’s all Twilight knew about it as well. Aside from its general location, the only remotely relevant thing I had learned about the prison was that even the princesses treated it with the utmost respect.

“You look like a body who could use a nap.” Applejack scrutinized the dark circles beneath my eyes. “You’ve been jumpier than a grasshopper on a fryin’ pan what with the way you keep checking the hills every five seconds.”

“I didn’t realize I was doing it.” I turned back sheepishly.

“What, you think like Ahuizotl is just going to march up to Ponyville with his band of cat henchmen and say ‘Hey guys! Here I am!’?” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

“It may be just that simple.” I shook my head. “But maybe you’re right. Until something actually happens, I’m just jumping at shadows.”

“Well, eat up.” Fluttershy encouraged. “I packed your favorite, Mark. Veggie patty with mayonnaise on a baguette.”

“With extra pickles? Aw, you’re the best.” I finally reached for my bag just as a deep rumble shivered through my stomach. I chuckled, “Guess I was hungrier than I thought.”

“That wasn’t you.” Rainbow Dash and Applejack stared over my shoulder, their mouths no longer chewing. I followed their gaze just as another growl shook the air. It was a deep, baying call. And it sounded like it had three overlapping tones.

“Where’s Cherry Berry?” I sprang to my feet as if my stool had suddenly turned into a porcupine.

“I saw her at the Hay Burger.” Fluttershy blinked.

“Kthanksbye!” I shot off towards the fast food restaurant, quickly stuffing my lunch into a hiking backpack and slinging it over my shoulder. My blood pounded like motor oil in my veins, burning away all thoughts of sleep. The call of Cerberus had reached Ponyville like the trumpet of the Rapture and a panic, like a Black Friday rush, had seized my chest.

I grabbed a streetlight and swung onto the road where the Hay Burger was located. The humble restaurant was enjoying an abnormally-busy lunch hour, what with the way Twilight’s projects prevented most ponies from fixing their own lunches. A line of equines, like a string of Starbursts, stretched from the building’s trot-through window to the far side of the street. It was moving at a drowsy pace, and I glimpsed Cherry Berry’s helmet and goggles only halfway through.

“Cherry!” I skid to a stop beside her like a baseball runner stealing second. “Cherry! We need your balloon!”

“Well, that’s nice, but you also need the pilot, and if you haven’t noticed, she’s on her lunch break.”

“What? Now? But we’ve got to get in the air! We’ve got to go! This is happening now!” My hands trembled as if they were holding an invisible alarm clock.

“Sorry, but so is this.” Cherry Berry stamped a hoof. “I haven’t eaten since before the sun came up and this spot took me fifteen minutes to get. Twilight’s ‘crisis’ will just have to wait until I get a hayburger.”

“Augh! What are you, an RPG NPC!? And I bet you block trainers from reaching Pewter City until you’ve had your coffee, too!” In the distance, the strange howl was getting steadily closer. More than a couple ponies had already noticed it and were casting tentative glances at the countryside. In a few moments, the entire town would be thrown into a frenzy.

My heart splashed into my stomach as my eyes traced the remaining distance between Cherry and the Hay Burger’s window. I watched as a golden-brown stallion, Caramel, tossed a couple bits at the cashier and collected a greasy bag of food. A sudden thought struck me and I dashed after him faster than Usain Bolt.

“Caramel!” I gasped. “Twenty bits for your lunch!”

“Huh?” The stallion muttered around the paper in his mouth.

“Thirty!” I whipped out my wallet.

“But it only costs-”

“Sold!” I dropped the bag of bits at his hooves and caught the food as his mouth dropped open. Without waiting for an answer, I dashed back down the line, shouting over my shoulder, “I’m so sorry!”

“… Anytime…?” Caramel looked uncertainly down at the money and shrugged.

“There! Now! The balloon! Where is it?” I shoved Cherry Berry out of the line and hurried her down the street.

“Where it always is. The platform.” She looked between me and the bag of food. A trace of genuine fear tainted her voice as she finally began to comprehend that I wasn’t just acting funny. “Hey, Mark, you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“What else could it be?” I glanced down at her. “The. Worst. Possible. Thing.” Heck, in all good consciousness, I could have told her it was the end of the world. After all, there was really no understating the fact that Tirek was literally a one-man apocalypse.

We clambered into the Twinkling Balloon and took to the skies just as Cerberus reached the outskirts of town. The titanic guard dog ambled through the streets as subtly as a parade float and as delicately as a tank. Cherry Berry and I looked down upon its midnight-black hide and watched as it explored the little town of dollhouses it had stumbled into. Its three noses swept the streets like industrial vacuum cleaners and it’s barking shook the sky like subwoofers. (No pun intended.) A tiny pink speck with a fluffy pink mane took control of the situation and promptly led the citizenry in a well-organized stampede.

“Shouldn’t we help?” My pilot asked nervously.

“They’re fine.” I dismissed. “Fluttershy’s got it all under control.”

“Fluttershy? Really?” Cherry glanced up at me through her goggles. “You do realize that thing is a walking natural disaster, right?”

“Well, sure, it’s a little lost, but it’s not angry or defensive.” I glanced over the edge of the basket. “Look, its hackles aren’t raised. Just a doggie exploring new territory.”

“Yeah, well, that oversized pup is about to mark Shakin’ Bakin’ as its new ‘territory’.” My pink friend tore her gaze off the colossal canine. “Hey, if we’re not helping the ponies down there, then what did you need to balloon for?” I didn’t answer right away.

“Cerberus is pretty impressive. It’s powerful, ferocious, and can keep two heads awake at all times. He’s the perfect guardian.” A shadow passed over my face. “Well, near-perfect, I should say. All the heads in the world won’t do a guard any good if the body is away from its post. Twilight Sparkle realized this and asked me to make sure nothing gets past Cerberus’s station until she can return him. We’re going to Tartarus.”

“Tartarus?” Cherry Berry blinked. “The place with all the monsters too dangerous to set free?”

“Just head towards the Badlands.” I pointed with my chin. “I’ll direct you as we go.”

“Whew…” My friend set our course and finally slumped down to eat her lunch. “If I knew why you wanted my help, I’d have told you to find a bigger balloon.”

Our aircraft glided above Equestria’s velveted green hills, over the waterfall-speckled forests, and through the toothy canyons of the mountains. The greenery steadily fell away, replaced by knifelike bronze rocks and leering cliff faces. By the time we reached the Badlands, I half-expected to see a scrawny coyote chasing a blue roadrunner across the landscape, but alas, the only things that moved were tumbleweeds and dust devils. Finally, just as the sun began to turn amber, we caught sight of our destination.

I suppose the Gates of Tartarus would look underwhelming to someone who was expecting a grand, ornate piece of sinister architecture like Mordor’s Black Gate, but that would be like a tourist being disappointed to find the Grand Canyon when they were expecting the Empire State Building. Apples and Oranges. There were no ‘gates’ as designed by an architect, but it was impossible to mistake the massive abyss that yawned beneath our little balloon as anything other than a portal to the foundations of the world. The so-called Gates of Tartarus was a sinkhole where an ancient volcano had collapsed in upon itself, leaving a jagged well of ash-grey stone behind. Though it looked like a mere hoofprint from a distance, the sheer scale of the depression could have swallowed all of Canterlot and still have enough room for Sauron’s spiky picket fence for dessert.

“We’ve got to get down there before we lose our visibility.” I glanced at the sky’s sinking ball of light nervously. Already, more than half of the Gate was blanketed in shadow.

“That’s not going to happen.” Cherry Berry glanced around fearfully, her ears twisted in every direction. “There’s something weird about this place. The temperature, the currents, everything just feels… off. Sorry, but I’m not bringing the balloon into that if there’s a chance we’re going to get stranded overnight.”

“Alright, then.” My tone made it obvious that I was not alright. “See that plateau? Set me down there. I’ll walk the perimeter while you put what little daylight we have to good use. Look for anything out of the ordinary. Tracks, freshly disturbed earth, discarded chains, convict uniforms, creepy old guys in cloaks. Anything.”

Cherry Berry reluctantly agreed and my feet finally alighted on the edge of the stony abyss. With only a backpack, a lantern, an empty lunch bag, and a walking stick to my name, I began the long trek around the pit. Technically, the backpack had a couple Molotov cocktails in it, left over from scouting the Everfree with Applejack, but I doubted those would be very effective against anything more than a timberwolf, let alone whatever hardened magical creatures called the Gate ‘home’.

As I cautiously made my way around the rim, random breaths of warm air rose from the sinkhole to greet me and plumes of glowing blue mist sprouted from the stones like mushrooms. During my reconnaissance, I glimpsed numerous tunnels and caves running further underground like the roots of an invisible tree, the largest of which did indeed have signs of mason work on it, but I was too far away for a proper investigation.

Despite the clip at which I forced my boots to eat the dirt, I couldn’t fight the feeling that my expedition was doomed to failure. There was only one pathway to the bottom, zigzagging from the rim to the volcanic fields below like a silver lightning bolt, but a quick search around it revealed no evidence that a centaur had ever used it. The ground was tough and didn’t take footprints (or hoofprints) very well. I also had no assurance as to when Cerberus had abandoned his post. My feeble tracking skills may have been hours, days, or even weeks behind my quarry. My hopes of intercepting Tirek sank as surely as the sun and left me in as much darkness too.

“I guess even Equestria’s Gitmo had to make staff cuts.” I chuckled dryly. The words sounded grey as the thirsty rocks consumed them. Still, I lit up my lantern and continued sweeping the ground as best I could. As long as there was a chance that I could stop Tirek’s return, I knew it was my duty to try, but as the hours ticked away, it became clear that if I had truly wanted to thwart the centaur lord, I shouldn’t have held myself back. Destiny’s threads were not going to be unwoven by a half-baked effort on my part and I still didn’t have an answer as to whether Twilight’s battle with Tirek should even happen or not.

There was no telling how much damage Equestria would suffer if the baboon-faced lord was granted free reign. There was no telling who would get hurt or whose homes would be destroyed. All I knew was that, according to the story, the heroes won, but I still didn’t know if that chance was worth gambling everypony’s lives on. The happy ending versus the risks involved had me more on-the-fence than a tapdancing Garfield.

“Just take it as it comes.” I shook my head. “You tried, right? So it’s out of your hands now. No use crying over spilt milk.” But those words once again sounded hollow, and it wasn’t just because of the landscape.

A quarter-waning moon eventually rose to keep me company, bathing the world in a feeble silver light. However, with no food, shelter, or safe place for Cherry Berry to tether her balloon, I knew that my little expedition could barely last the night, let alone support a full-blown manhunt. Fortunately, it didn’t have to.

“Mark?”

“Cheese-us rice!” I leapt six feet into the air as a voice hailed me from the darkness. I looked up to see Cherry Berry’s balloon hanging above me like a silent shadow. “Don’t do that! Don’t you know there are monsters about?”

“Well, there’s one coming this way. I think it’s our friend from earlier.” The pilot pony whispered. “Just thought you’d want to know.” She gestured at a small shape in the distance that was rapidly growing larger. At first, my tired eyes thought it was a purple and black beast, but after blinking a couple times, I realized it was two separate creatures.

“Twilight and Cerberus.” I nodded, waving my lantern at the distant unicorn. Twilight turned towards me, guiding the frolicking shape of her three-headed friend along with her. I stood where I was, mentally preparing myself for the librarian’s inevitable slurry of questions while Cherry Berry nervously floated back into the sky like a timid lakitu.

“Hey, Twi!” I greeted as the purple pony trotted up to me. She was covered in sweat and was panting, but otherwise appeared unscathed. A giant rubber ball floated in her aura beside her head, Cerberus’s new favorite toy, apparently. The giant dog tore his attention off the object to greet me.

“Sniiiiff? Snif! Snif!” My spine became ridged as three car-sized bulldog faces surrounded me. Wet noses as big as pillows soaked my arms and cheek like water-laden sponges.

“So, looks like you made a new friend, Twilight.” I smiled cautiously. “Hey, Cerbie, hey there. Who’s a good boy, boy, boy? Huh?” The three heads whimpered nervously upon encountering a new species, but quickly warmed up to my natural charm. One even nuzzled me playfully and I took the opportunity to give the oversized puppy the first real ear-scratching it’d ever experienced. The results were satisfactory.

“What are you doing here?” Twilight called over the sound of a giant rear leg pounding the ground. “This place is dangerous.”

“Says the girl who just lured a semi-god across the world to the gates of hell with a rubber ball.” I struggled to keep my footing as the other two heads fought for a turn at scritches.

“Well, he turned out to be pretty sweet after Fluttershy got through to him.” The unicorn sidestepped a tree-sized foreleg. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I glanced at her. “Cerberus is the guardian of the underworld, right? Someone had to keep an eye on the mice while the cat was away.”

“Rouf?”

“No, not you. You’re no cat. You’re a big, strong guard dog, right? You’re the toughest boss in Kingdom Hearts! Yes you are, you are, you are!” Satisfied at my recovery, Cerberus rolled onto his broad back.

“But how did you get here?” In answer to Twilight, I merely pointed at the sky where Cherry Berry continued to watch the scene from the safety of her basket. “Oh. That makes more sense. So, then, did anything try and escape from Tartarus?” My fingers paused in their belly scratching.

“No…” I said slowly. “I haven’t seen anything.” Key word, ‘seen’. “And I think it’s pronounced TAR-tar-us. Not Tar-TAR-us. The accent’s on the first syllable.”

“I’ve read more books about this place than you.” She defended.

“Granted, but reading doesn’t always teach you how to say words. Otherwise, I’d still be pronouncing ‘debris’ as ‘de-breeze’ and ‘Sean’ as ‘Seen’.”

“Well, thank you for your help. You must be exhausted.” Said the pony who’d just run across Equestria. “I can’t wait to relax now that we’ve averted the crisis!”

“Yeah… About that… If it’s alright with you, I’ll keep waiting for the other shoe to drop until we’re sure the future’s been saved. Namely, this next Tuesday.”

“I suppose.” Twilight seized the rubber ball and with it, Cerberus’s attention. “But at least we don’t have to stay here any longer. This place feels unnerving, like something’s watching us, you know?”

I tried to keep my face from betraying anything while Twilight Sparkle guided her tri-cranial companion down into the deepest part of the Gate. After saying goodbye to Cerberus and his new rubber ball, we signaled pony Foehammer for an extraction and began the long flight back to Ponyville.

My eyes lingered on Equestria’s ultimate prison for as long as they could, still haunted by the ramifications of Tirek’s escape. My only consolation was the fact that I could still alert the princesses whenever I wanted to prior to the end of season 4. Tirek was a weed that I could pull at any time. My only fear was that he might kill my garden of friends first.

We didn’t arrive in Ponyville again until the sun had reappeared. Twilight Sparkle was able to catch some sleep during the flight, but I stayed awake with Cherry for the whole journey. Partly as gratitude to the pink pony for being such a good sport about the whole situation, partly because I never liked sleeping in vehicles, and partly because the basket smelled like sweaty unicorn.

I entered the library with Twilight Sparkle just as Spike was waking up from an uninterrupted night’s sleep. My body was swaying precariously and eyes were misty with exhaustion. I barely even registered the little dragon’s words as he greeted us,

“Hey, Twilight. How’d it go with Cerberus?” He looked up at the two of us anxiously.

“Great. I got him back before any of the evil creatures could escape.”

“And where did you go, Mark?”

“Do we have any milk?” I mumbled. “No, cereal’s too much work. Leftover muffins, maybe?”

“Is he ok?” Spike jabbed a thumb at me.

“He just needs some sleep.” Twilight assured. “It was a long night for all of us.”

“Not for me!” The dragon grinned. “It was all quiet here at home base. I had a nice long bath, ate a cinnamon roll for dinner, played tag with Owl-Hurrgh? Blurgh!” A burst of green light rose from the back of Spike’s throat, catching him by surprise. A thick poster burst from the flames in his mouth and swatted Twilight Sparkle squarely in the face.

“Are we out of strawberry jam?” I opened and closed the kitchen cupboards without looking behind me.

“Oh no!” A frantic cry pierced the air.

“What’s the big deal?” Spike unfurled the poster. “It’s just a ‘lost dog’ flyer. I guess the princess hasn’t heard we found Cerberus yet.”

“Darn it, we are out. Please tell me we at least have marmalade.”

“It’s not that! It’s this!” Behind me, my unicorn friend was flipping out over where she had been struck by the flying poster.

“A paper cut? Come on, Twilight, you really need to toughen up. Just clean it out and you’ll be fine.” Spike rolled his eyes.

“The cut’s in the exact same spot as the scar on future Twilight’s cheek!” Sparkle began hyperventilating. “We haven’t changed the future at all! The disaster is still coming!”

“If anyone needs me, tell them I’m on my consciousness break.” I guided my shuffling feet into the guest room and set myself on a crash course for dreamland.

Voices and sounds passed over me like water as I floated beneath the surface of sentience. I was only vaguely aware of the passage of time while I slept, and when I finally woke, the room felt uncomfortably warm. A ray of sunlight was draped over my legs like a hot pancake, cooking me through my pants.

Eventually, I dropped myself onto the floor and wandered back into the library, but Spike and Twilight were nowhere to be found. The only evidence of what had become of them was a discarded ice cream lid, a well-worn circle on the wooden floor, and the lingering smell of singed hair. With nothing better to do while my brain rebooted, I decided to take a quick shower and change into a fresh set of clothes.

When I emerged from the bathroom, it was refreshed and, apparently, more aware of my surroundings, because it was only then that I noticed a piece of notepaper left next to my bed. It was a message addressed to me on pink paper that smelled vaguely of frosting. It read,

Hey, Mark!

Looking for Twilight? She’s with me trying out my new mystical orb of fate’s destiny at Madame Pinkie’s.

No crisis yet. At least, if you’re reading this, then there’ hasn’t been a crisis. Just thought I’d let you know. You know, in case you slept through it. Twilight changed her manestyle, though. I know you slept through that one. Didn’t want you to not recognize her.

Anyway, good morning! Or evening! Or night!

See you later!

-Pinkie Pie

“Well, that was… helpful…” I chuckled, turning the paper over. On the back was written,

I know! Aren’t nifty notes just the best?

“No comment.” I looked around the empty library. “So, letsee. What to do next?” I wandered back into my room and slipped my notebook out from its hiding spot. After a few minutes perusing it, I determined that there wasn’t anything left for me to do during the rest of ‘It’s About Time’. Sure, I’d probably meet up with Twilight in Canterlot, maybe even provide a conveniently-timed nausea potion for Spike, but Cerberus had been the only event I was really interested in. There were a number of notes titled ‘recon’ attached to Canterlot, so I figured that day was as good as any to run some errands up the mountain.

I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote,

Pinkie,

Twilight,

Whoever,

Going to Canterlot. Will be gone all weekend.

Do not worry, have not forgotten about crisis. Will rendezvous with you next Tuesday. For better or worse.

-Mark

My mouth chewed its bottom lip as I scanned the brief letter. After deciding that it could do without the last line, I blotted out the offending text and placed the finished product on Twilight Sparkle’s desk. A glance at the clock told me that it would be evening by the time I reached Equestria’s capital, but if I was quick, I could still swing by the sandwich shop before catching the late train up the mountain. And so, after stuffing my notebook and a couple changes of clothes in my backpack, that’s exactly what I did.

I didn’t see either of the princesses when I reached the palace, but as it turned out, my name was on an ambiguous ‘welcome’ list and I was quickly shown to a fully furnished guest room. Apparently, being friends with the princess and her prized student had its perks. With lodging covered, my biggest challenge was avoiding the boredom that stalked me while I waited for Tuesday.

“LeVar Burton would be so proud to know that, thanks to him, I grew up to be a lover of libraries. And this one’s not half-shabby.” On Friday, (or, the Equestrian equivalent) I wandered into the prestigious Canterlot libraries, a labyrinthine network of vaulted stone halls and glass skylights filled floor-to-ceiling with the compiled knowledge of an entire world. In the face of such a daunting collection of information, I had armed myself with an ‘errands’ list,

Ask about ch

Mystique

Theseus’s Tom Tom

Escape rope

Chaos Emeralds

Raging female stereotypes

Sign language (put this at top of list!)

Satisfied that the note was ambiguous enough to be useless in any other pony’s hooves, I strode across the marble entryway to the librarian’s desk. Behind its polished surface sat an elderly granite-blue unicorn with streaks of iron grey in her black mane.

“Good morning!” I greeted cheerfully. Immediately, the entire building became a den of snakes as a dozen ponies hissed,

“Ssshhh!” Including the librarian.

“Sorry!” I appeased.

“Ssshhh!” They repeated.

“Okay…” My head sank into my shoulders. I squeaked, “Is this better?” The ponies returned to their books, but kept a warning eye on me.

“How can I help you this morning?” The elderly unicorn whispered like a breeze floating across a moor. I tried to emulate her as I consulted my piece of paper,

“I’m looking for information on illusion spells. Specifically, cloaking magic and its counter spells.” The librarian looked up at me through her horn-rimmed glasses.

“That would be the majority of the East wing.” She explained, tilting her lenses in the indicated direction.

“Uh-huh…” I bit my lip.

“Can you be more specific?”

“Not really, no.” I grimaced. “What about local caves and mines?”

“West wing, second section.” The old grey mare sounded apologetic. “I’m afraid that too is a large section. We are in a mountain range, after all.”

“Right.” My weight shifted from foot-to-foot. “Um, lastly, do you know where I could find the Star Swirl the Bearded wing?”

“Shh!” Every pony in the building let me know my voice had overstepped its bounds.

“Sounds like frying eggs in here.” I glanced over my shoulder.

“Are you done?” A cream-white unicorn mare with licorice-rimmed glasses asked dryly. She looked at me as if I were a smudge on her glasses that she desperately wished she could wipe away.

“Our Star Swirl the Bearded collection is in the northern branch, attached to the palace.” The grey mare explained patiently.

“Great. Thank you.” With my business concluded, I half-stepped, half-leapt out of the way of the next customer as she clipped up to the service desk. The librarian hadn’t been able to help me narrow down my search at all and a distant longing for my old friend, Google, tugged at my heart.

“Just my idea of an exciting weekend.” I mumbled to myself. Were it not for my grumbling, I might have overheard what it was the white unicorn found so urgent,

“Ten books to return.” She said curtly.

“Good morning, Moon Dancer, you’re late.”

“Laundromat lost my receipt.”

“Sorry to hear that, dear. My, my, returning ‘Asymmetrical Crystal Lattices’ already? Too imposing?”

“I finished it. Do you have anything else by J. Raiya?”

“I’m sure we can find something for you…” The voices died behind me as I ducked into the forest of bound paper text.

Despite my cynicism, the Canterlot libraries were an excellent place to lose track of time. My feet wandered through endless rows of tomes while my mind wandered through endless paths of thought. The muffled atmosphere bore the calming scent of yellowing paper, and motes of dust glinted in the sunlight like fireflies in a forest. Two days slipped away from me while I bathed in that serene dreamscape, absent from the physical world as my mind floated to unexplored horizons. It was during one of these escapades from reality, while my body was sinking in a growing nest of books, that a white alicorn princess found me.

“Good afternoon, Mark.” Celestia’s graceful voice gently lifted me from the reverie I had fallen into.

“Oh! Good afternoon, Princess.” I refocused my eyes and glanced in surprise at the clock on the wall. “What brings you here?”

“I heard that a friend was visiting the libraries and thought I’d say hello.” She smiled. “It’s always nice to see you again.”

“Likewise.” I got to my feet and nodded in a hasty bow. “You sounded a little busy earlier, so, I mean, I didn’t want to interrupt you or anything…”

“It’s no trouble at all.” Celestia insisted. “I’m always eager to know how you’ve been.”

“Good. I mean, well. I’ve been well.” I flinched as I mentally kicked myself. “I visited Tartarus recently, which was fun. And met Cerberus. Oh, did Twilight ever tell you that we found him?”

“She did…” The princess inclined her head slightly. “Along with quite an interesting report. Am I right to understand that she believes there’s an impending disaster?”

“This next Tuesday morning, yes.”

“And this is because a version of herself from the future came back in time to warn her about it?”

“It’s complicated.” I scratched my stubbly cheek. “Yes, it seems Twilight Sparkle got a hold of a time-travel spell and made quite a scene of it when she went back in time to talk to her younger self. Twilight got all freaked out by the visit and put the whole town on high-alert. Still, I’m not so sure there’s going to be a disaster the way Twilight thinks there’s going to be a disaster.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because, over the course of this last week, everything terrible that looks like it happened to Twi-minator is already happening to our Twi. Come Tuesday, there won’t be anything left for her ‘crisis’ to do to her.” I shrugged. “I don’t know if that made any sense, but it’s my working theory.”

“Actually,” A glint of light glinted in the princess’s eye, “it makes more sense than you realize. Is this the reason for your visit?”

“Well, yes and no.” I shuffled a few scattered books into haphazard piles. “At first, I came to Canterlot because I figured if there was going to be a crisis, I’d want to know what it was. After all, we can deduce that a rather disheveled Twilight Sparkle is going to retrieve a time-traveling spell from the Star Swirl the Bearded wing come Tuesday morning. In the meantime, though, I figured I could work on some of my side-projects.”

“And are you enjoying Star Swirl the Bearded’s ‘Quantifying Frictions of Universal Planes’?” There was a touch of amusement in Celestia’s voice as she held up the book I had been perusing. Suffice to say that it was above my level of comprehension the way Goku’s power level is above Yamcha’s.

“Funny story.” I pointed at the imposing volume. “I was wandering around, looking for maps of local caves when I saw a book on ‘amniomorphic spells’. Then another, and another, and finally I stopped and said to myself, ‘Self, isn’t that the thingamajig that Star Swirl the Bearded was famous for?’ but then I realized I didn’t know what it was or why it was important. Finally, it occurred to me that I didn’t know the first thing about Mr. Bearded. Four hours, three books, and seven trains of thought later, I still have no clue who this guy is. What you’re holding is the latest in my futile efforts to pierce his enigma and why Twilight idolizes him so much and what he has to do with time travel.”

“Well, if that’s all,” Celestia chuckled lightly, “I’d be happy to help.” She glanced up at the bookshelves behind me and swept up a choice selection in her golden magic aura.

“You’d do that?” I faltered. “I mean, you’re not too busy with official… stuff?” Celestia glided over to a padded sofa and slowly settled into it. She invited me to a nearby chair as she explained,

“Remember, Mark, I would make a rather poor princess if I wasn’t first and foremost a teacher.”

“I suppose... Thank you.” I obediently took a seat and opened my ears. The princess took on the air of a storyteller as she began,

“So, you want to know about my old acquaintance Star Swirl the Bearded?” My head nodded politely and across the vastness of space, I could feel the brony fandom lean forward to listen. She explained, “He was a brilliant unicorn, even before he became known as ‘The Bearded’, always looking at the world from a new perspective, always asking new questions, and always approaching obstacles from a new angle.” Celestia opened one of her books and showed me the first few chapters as she spoke.

“Star Swirl first made a name for himself while experimenting with magic osmosis. I know that Twilight Sparkle will want to teach you this herself, but for now, just know that when an object is oversaturated with magic, it loses its physical structure and becomes fluid. Picture wax and how it is moldable when heated, but returns to a rigid shape when that heat is removed.

"In his earliest works, young Star Swirl perfected the equation behind this phenomena and presented his findings in the famous ‘clay pot’ experiment. He took a lump of hardened clay, used a transfiguration table to oversaturate it with magic, and then shaped it into an elegant vase. The premise was so simple, but had such limitless potential that he quickly became famous and scholars across the world were replicating his work. It became known as the ‘potter’s spell’, or ‘amniomorphic’ in the old vernacular.”

“I can see how that’d be a breakthrough.” I nodded in understanding. “He invented the 3-D printer thousands of years before Earth. The ability to program matter? You’d never be limited by the use of tools ever again! That’s…” My words dropped dead on my tongue as a thought hit me like a thunderclap. “Wait! ‘potter’s spell’!? Are you telling me that Star Swirl the Bearded was literally Equestria’s ‘Harry Potter’!?”

“Yes,” Celestia hesitated at my sudden outburst. “I suppose you could say that, but why-? Oh, is that a reference from Earth?”

“You don’t miss much.” I fought to get myself back under control. “Sorry for interrupting, please continue.” The princess turned a page and obliged.

“With his newfound fame and influence, Star Swirl began to shift his focus onto a larger scale than pots and vases. He wanted to apply his ideas to the world itself, reshaping our view of the universe and how we could interact with it. It was he who first theorized that alicorn magic was cosmic in nature, leading many scholars to classify it as fundamentally different than unicorn magic.

"My sister and I were delighted to be living in such an era. It seemed that with every year came a new epiphany, a new revelation, a new scientific frontier to explore, and with it, our understanding of our own power became clearer. However, we soon came to suspect that Star Swirl’s true motives were guided by a desire to achieve immortality, but without any evidence, all we could do was monitor his progress cautiously.

"One of his greatest theses was also the turning point in our friendship. Star Swirl was convinced that the Elements of Harmony were conduits or nodes through which the fabric of our world had been written, like paints upon an artist’s canvass. He demanded that we allow him to experiment on them and the tree they came from, but Luna and I refused. The Elements were too valuable to risk damaging, corrupting, or losing altogether. Especially if they were what he said they were.

"Unfortunately for all of us, Star Swirl the Bearded did not see things that way. Perhaps he through we were refusing him out of jealousy. Perhaps he thought that we wanted to be the only keepers of that power. Perhaps he thought we were effectively condemning him to the fate of old age…” Celestia paused to take a deep breath, but continued,

“He became withdrawn, reclusive, secretive, plunging deeper and deeper into more and more dangerous experiments while shunning the very ponies who could have kept him safe. By the time he finally passed away, his laboratories were filled with perplexing artifacts and half-finished spells that few ponies could even read, let alone comprehend. Most scholars believe that his greatest magnum opuses were conceived during that time and it’s every magician’s dream to someday decipher them.

"Even today, the Star Swirl the Bearded wing is the most heavily guarded section of the palace, but is also the most visited. Young ambitious scientists become old disgruntled scholars in there and we’re still no closer to understanding the extent of Star Swirl’s designs. We may never know just how much he took with him when he left this world.”

“Whew…” I blew a low whistle as the princess’s story ended. “Higitus figitus your heart out, Merlin.”

“In fact,” Celestia laughed, “I think I know exactly which spell future Twilight Sparkle used to go back in time.”

“O rly?” I perked up in my chair. “One of Star Swirl’s masterpieces?”

“An incomplete prototype, really.” The princess explained. “By echoing his magic off the universe’s planes, it seems Star Swirl the Bearded could step out of his own timeline. Like a river, however, the flow of time quickly reasserts itself and despite all his efforts, he was overlooking one vital element.”

“And what’s that?” I felt it was my duty to ask.

“All the spells in the world have no real power unless the caster can rewrite destiny.” Celestia gracefully lifted herself off her couch and began putting her books away.

“You believe in destiny, then?” I asked quietly. “That certain people were called to play certain roles?”

“I do.” Celestia’s voice was calm, but firm.

“Then, Twilight Sparkle’s attempt to change the past won’t have any effect on how she’s changed over the past week.” I gave a shallow chuckle. “Physically and literally.”

“Indeed. By trying to prevent herself from using the spell, she may very well have caused it.” The princess glanced through a nearby window at the palace towers. “I’ve seen it happen before. Even still, we should prepare ourselves for anything come Tuesday morning. We’re still unsure of what motivated Twilight Sparkle to use such an unpredictable spell in the first place.”

“Maybe she just wanted to get a jump on her friendship lesson.” I smiled and folded my arms. “Well, if the world ends on Tuesday, we’ll be ready for it.”

“And if not, I can always wish Twilight a happy good morning.” Celestia beamed coyly. A glance at the clock, however, let me know that she had other matters that required her attention. With a subtle nod of her head, she wished me a good afternoon. “It’s been a pleasure as always, Mark. I’ll be sure to let the guards know you’re welcome in the Star Swirl the Bearded wing as well. No matter what happens, I have to admit I’m curious how this Tuesday will turn out.”

“Much appreciated. And thank you again for your time, princess.” I nodded and began sorting the slurry of books I’d accumulated. One last thought pricked me, however, and I quickly caught Celestia before she vanished, “There was one thing I was still curious about, actually.”

“Yes?” The alicorn glanced over her shoulder.

“All this talk about time and space and universal planes, did Star Swirl the Bearded ever make any interdimensional portals?” Like a corrupt frame in a movie, the barest hint of hesitation darkened the princess’s countenance. She recollected herself so quickly, however, I doubted I had seen anything at all.

“I can understand why you’d be curious about such a thing.” Celestia began slowly. “If it’s any consolation, I too suspect that our worlds may have come into contact at one point. Such an event may explain how you came here, casting you in Equestria like flotsam. Unfortunately, it is only a suspicion and even if I did understand how it happened, it is unlikely that the process could be reversed for your return journey. As for portals…” The princess tilted her head in apology, “… That’s a story for another time.”

The ghostly aura of her mane disappeared around a bookshelf and I was once again alone in the library. I held a casual smile until I was sure she was gone, and then quickly replaced it with a critical frown. Before anything could distract me, I whipped out my trusty piece of notebook paper and scribbled a new keyword,

Bacon Hair

For as vague as she had tried to be, Celestia had still betrayed her knowledge of SSTB’s forays into other worlds. It was an unwelcome reminder that the events portrayed in the Equestria Girls movies may yet prove canon and if so, I needed to be ready for them. In the meantime, though, I decided that it could wait until after Tuesday. After all, I still needed to rendezvous with a time traveler I had technically already met.

The fateful day came amidst the cries of songbirds and the pink banners of the dawning sun. No war, no plague, no catastrophe, no disaster, just another gorgeous day in Equestria. From the vaulted windows of the Star Swirl the Bearded wing, I watched as the valley below was softly stripped of its rosy blankets of mist.

To my left was a fresh box of Joe’s doughnuts, their fried aroma a tantalizing compliment to the fresh mountain air. To my right was a gilded security gate, recently unlocked for some late-night visitors, and still hanging open. From the room beyond the gate came the sounds of a bouncing pink earth pony, a frantic purple unicorn and an ice cream-quaffing baby dragon.

As the sun climbed higher and higher into the sky, I’d listened while Twilight Sparkle went from flustered, to panicked, to hopeless, to confused, and finally to relieved as her prophesy of doom came to naught. The only thing Equestria had to fear on that day was fear itself. Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Spike shared a good laugh over the whole situation while I waited for the episode to wrap itself up.

Suddenly, the air bent with a static pull, the sound of rushing wind filled the quiet tower and a blazing glow like a firework coated the walls in white light. For a few breathless moments, Twilight Sparkle had completely removed herself from our timeline, the endless pretzel of cause and effect finally looping back upon itself. Before long, there was another burst of magic and I heard Twilight plead,

“Don’t… waste your time… worrying… about…” A leaden groan floated from the room. “Ugh! I can’t believe I just did that!”

“Did you tell her about the cool birthday present?” Pinkie Pie gasped.

“Remember last week when future Twilight came to warn me about something?” Twilight’s tail dangled in shame. “That was me trying to warn myself not to worry so much! Now I’m gonna spend the next week freaking out about a disaster that doesn’t even exist!” She groaned again.

“Or as I like to think of it, the week you just finished.” I strolled into the room holding a broad smile and a box of breakfast.

“Mark!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Mark!” Spike called.

“Doughnuts!” Pinkie cried.

“Morning, girls. Morning, Spike. Long time no see.”

“I’ll say!” Twilight Sparkle trotted up to me. “You just vanished! What have you been doing all week?”

“Oh, you know, a bit of homework, a bit of research, a bit of studying Star Swirl’s methods on unraveling the universe. Very thought-provoking, it’s like yoga for your brain.” I brushed Twilight’s mane. “Nice hair, by the way.”

“But how did you know we were here?” The disheveled unicorn pressed.

“I didn’t know about Pinkie and Spike,” I lied, “but I knew that you’d eventually have to ‘return’ to this tower for a time spell. Either to stop the crisis or go back in time to try again, it didn’t matter.”

“And, you brought doughnuts because…?”

“Don’t question it!” Pinkie Pie scolded. I only shrugged.

“Hey, if this morning wasn’t going to be the end of the world, I figured I was in the mood for doughnuts and if it was, I’d still want doughnuts.”

“Whooo! And you got the big box!” Pinkie started bouncing around me like a Jack Russel Terrier.

“It was a sale…” I mumbled. “Anyway, it’s a lovely day. Who wants food?”

“Ugh… not me.” Spike was curled up on the floor, holding his stomach tenderly. “I, I think it’s all that Ice cream…”

“Oh, Spike…” I shook my head. Then I caught myself, “I mean, what’s wrong with him?”

“He started eating ice cream nonstop to prevent the end of the world.” Pinkie explained.

“Well there you go, Hay-gen-Dazs saves lives.” With a sigh, I unveiled a nausea potion from within my pocket. “Here, try this. I always keep one when traveling by train, but this looks more pressing.”

“Come on, Spike, let’s get you home.” Twilight levitated the baby dragon onto her back. “In fact, I think we’re all ready to go home.”

“Suits me.” I led the way out into the castles halls.

As we walked, Twilight Sparkle explained how she had spent her weekend trying to monitor all of Equestria simultaneously and I told her about my dabbling into the Earth/ Equestria multiverse theory. We each shared a good laugh at how futile the other’s efforts were, but it was nice to see Twilight finally relaxing after a week of fretting. She was tired, emotionally raw and physically exhausted, but at least her heart wasn’t weighed down by the fear of the future anymore.

I took the opportunity to casually introduce her to a very sensitive topic near and dear to my heart. I began with,

“You know… all this talk about time travel and meeting your younger self has got me thinking.”

“Oh?” Twilight was growing drowsier by the second, but decided to humor me.

“What would you do if you could go back in time and meet one of your heroes before they became a hero? Imagine if you, Twilight Sparkle, could go back in time and meet Star Swirl the Unshaven. How would you introduce yourself? How would you interact with him? How would you treat a pony that technically wasn’t the person you knew they could be?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it before.” Twilight admitted.

“Alright then, let’s talk about books.” I painted a picture in the air with my free hand. “What would you do if you fell into ‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone’? You find yourself in the muggy jungle with a young pegasus archaeologist-”

“-tomb raider-”

“-who’d just hurt her wing, and is now being hunted by the cat predators. You know what traps she’s going to face. You know the dangers that might kill her, and you know when Ahuizotl is going to steal her treasure, so what do you do? Do you avoid her and let the story play out like it’s supposed to? Would you introduce yourself and perhaps befriend your protagonist? Or do you change the story, safeguarding your idol at the cost of diminishing the hero they could have been?” Obviously, my true inspiration for these questions was my own predicament. Star Swirl was just a segue to a not-so-subtle prod into how Twilight would respond if I told her I too knew what it was like to time travel.

“If I went back in time and met some super-special pony, I’d become their very bestest friend!” Pinkie piped up. “I’d give them their favorite birthday present, and plan their favorite memories, and solve their problems before they happened, and show up when they went places, and bring medicine on their sick days, and surprise them with their favorite breakfasts and-”

“Pinkie!” I cut in.

“Yes, friend?” She blinked her blue eyes at me.

“Have a doughnut.”

“Ooh! Pink frosting with extra sprinkles! My favorite!” She stuffed the sugary pacifier in her mouth and continued trotting along the hallway.

“It is an interesting question.” Twilight assented.

“And just think about the hero’s position.” I continued softly. “What will they think when they find out you only like them because of what they did in an alternate life?”

“Of course I would try and befriend my hero.” The purple unicorn stifled a yawn. “I don’t think I could resist, but both parties would need to cooperate if they wanted the friendship to work. The time traveler would need to respect the hero as a person, not a legend, and the hero, in turn, would need to decide if the time traveler is a true friend or just a fan.”

“What if the time traveler tried to keep it secret that they knew the hero?” My tongue ran across the roof of my mouth nervously.

“Well, I suppose I was assuming a best-case scenario. In such an asymmetrical relationship, I can see how things could get rocky, but I still think that if the traveler and the hero really wanted to be friends, they wouldn’t need to hide things from each other. In fact, both parties could really benefit from cooperating. Just ask my past self!”

“Hmm… Good answer.” I let the conversation drift onto other topics, but at least I had my friend’s honest opinion. It was during that doughnut breakfast in the Star Swirl the Bearded wing that I finally decided I was going to take that leap of faith and tell my friends about ‘MLP: FIM’. Maybe things would change, maybe they wouldn’t, and maybe there was a chance that we could really learn a lot about each other from it, it was a risk I was finally willing to take.

And, just like planning a proposal, I knew the perfect time and place for my revelation. A moment when I could prove once and for all that my friendship was authentic. A stage where the future of Equestria teetered on a knife’s edge and I would push it in the hero’s favor. An opportunity to give my friends hope on their darkest day.

It was high time for me to meet the queen.

Author's Note

I feel like I may have rushed this one, so if any of you fine readers encounter an editing error, please PM me.
Thanks!

As far as the story goes, I'm still on the fence as to whether I should include an Equestria Girls arc. After all, they were kind of designed to be as cannon as you want them to be.

Ch 16: Wedding Gift

Chapter 16
Wedding Gift

We were more thrilled than Michael Jackson in a graveyard, more electrified than Zeus at a dubstep concert, more spirited than the ghost busters at a séance, and more fired up than Yang Xiaolong in July. The train car vibrated more from the excitement flowing within it than the actual rails it was rolling on. It’s not every day you and your friends are called upon to organize the biggest wedding of the century. It’s even more special when it’s ‘A Canterlot Wedding’.

But for all the giggling and jesting and planning that the others were engaging in, Twilight Sparkle and I sat in a quiet little corner of thoughtfulness. She, on her part, confused, affronted, and a little bit annoyed that her only sibling would tie the knot without so much as a notification memo to her, and I, on my part, nervous, scared, and a little bit excited to put my first real scheme into action. On the seat beside me sat the largest steamer trunk I could find, carefully stuffed with objects designed to shift the future of the world.

“Why the long face, sugarcube?” Applejack, her hospitality senses tingling, dutifully interrupted Twilight’s doldrums.

“I’m just thinking about Shining Armor.” The unicorn sighed. “Ever since I moved to Ponyville, we’ve been seeing each other less and less. And now that he’s starting a new family with this ‘Princess Mi Amore Ca-whatshername’, we’ll probably never be able to see each other.”

“Come on, now.” With a warming smile, the country girl reassured, “You’re his sister. He’ll always make time for you.” A flicker of irritation ran over Twilight’s brow as she turned back to the window and muttered,

“Couldn’t seem to make time to tell me he was getting married.”

“Tsk! Saltier than a potato chip.” I clicked my tongue playfully.

“And what about you, hon?” AJ turned to me. “You’re lookin’ more confounded than a honeybee on a fake flower.”

“I’m just glad we finally get to find out what’s been going on in Canterlot.” I pulled my sticky eyes off the window. “Seriously, am I the only one worried by this?”

“I told you,” Twilight explained. “It’s a barrier. Sometimes, the royal guards do drills to keep themselves sharp.”

“A week-long drill?” A critical eyebrow floated up.

It hadn’t quite been a week, but there was no forgetting the rush that swept over me the day we woke up to see the distant spires of Canterlot enveloped in a rosy sphere of light. The city’s magic shield sat on the side of the mountain as if Jupiter had fallen from the heavens and no one in town seemed to know why. Train schedules had altered, sky ships had to wait in long ques to gain port, and we still had no concrete explanation for the sudden shift in security. At least, none of my friends did. So far, nopony had noticed my fingers twitching whenever I glanced back up at Canterlot.

“Never did pin you for much of a packer, Mark,” Applejack tapped thoughtfully on my trunk, “So why are you suddenly takin’ everything plus the kitchen sink?”

“Don’t touch that!” I snapped. Both Twilight and Applejack were taken aback.

“Why? What’s in it?” The unicorn’s eyes flitted between me and the luggage.

“Well… Some potions homework.” I replied weakly. “Projects I couldn’t leave behind…”

“Potions?” Applejack stepped back as if the trunk had suddenly grown teeth. “You sayin’ you brought something volatile on a train?”

“Mark…?” Twilight stretched out the word for maximum scolding.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” A quick glance behind me showed that our conversation was starting to carry to the rest of the train. “It’s just… sensitive.”

“What is it?” The unicorn asked pointedly.

“A surprise, perhaps?” But being elusive wasn’t getting me anywhere.

“I think I’ve had enough surprises for one day.” My purple friend locked her jaw.

“Alright, fine!” I adopted an abashed air as I finally decided on a plausible excuse. “This is so embarrassing…” My fingers unclasped the fasteners and I cautiously opened the chest.

“Well, can’t say you were lying.” Rows upon rows of glass orbs filled Applejack’s vision.

“Is this where all my potion bottles went?” In addition to a couple vials, Twilight’s magic seized a stack of papers, a harness, and a bundle of fresh flowers. “What is all this?”

“Um…” I rubbed the back of my neck, hamming up my role as an awkward confessor. “Remember how I was trying to perfect the Flickerwisp flameless lantern?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I accidentally added a thousand nips of pot ash to the cauldron when the recipe only called for ten.”

“You used all my pot ash!?”

“I’ll pay you back!” I placated. “I always do.”

“What are you going to do with a hundred flameless lanterns?” Twilight demanded.

“I thought I could donate them to the reception.” My shoulders came up to my ears helplessly. “They’d add a nice tough to a garden party, don’t you think?”

“And the rest of this?” Applejack wondered.

“The flowers are for the bride. Harness is for setting up the lanterns.”

“And these? What is that supposed to be?” Both the girls looked critically at the stack of papers. Each one had a sketch on them followed by a single word. “Does that say ‘exit’? Mark, you really need to work on your pencraft.”

“I was more distracted by the grandma elephant above it.” Applejack added.

“It’s a picture of a hand!” I argued. “A pointing hand. You girls have seen me point before!”

“So, you put a symbol that only we would understand on an exit sign?” Twilight looked up at me through her brow.

“It’s not that hard. Most hand signals are pretty clear-cut. Like this one, what do you think this one means?” I hooked my hands and pressed my fingers together into the shape of a heart.

“Heart?” Applejack ventured.

“It’s love. In point of fact.” My jaw ground my teeth together. “Pay attention, Twilight, there’s going to be a test later.”

“But why make a sign at all?” The purple unicorn still didn’t see any logic in my box.

“It’s a party, right? Parties need safety signs, right? I didn’t know I was going to be invited to a wedding, so I just grabbed the first things that came to mind.” With the last of my nonsense slung, I waited to see how much of it would actually stick.

“You’re bringing lights, exit signs, and a bruised bouquet as your wedding gift?” One last incredulous question from Twilight.

“Well, yeah?” Both the girls rolled their eyes at me.

“Guys.”

“I hear ya, hon.” Applejack and Twilight stuffed the objects back into the trunk and locked it shut. On my part, I was occupied trying to keep my face from betraying my relief. Had the girls dug a little deeper, they might have found a few more suspicious items.

“We’re here! We’re here!” Pinkie Pie announced as the train engine huffed to a crawl. The edge of the city and its supernatural barrier was marked by a pair of guard towers on either side of the tracks. The unicorns within obligingly marked a weak point in the force field through which our train cautiously entered. Even still, as the wall of magic passed through our car, I could feel its resistance pull at my skin like a wave of water.

Eventually, our ride ground to a halt at Canterlot Station beneath the frosty eyes of what looked like half the Equestrian military. Ranks upon ranks of soldiers in glinting gold armor crowded the train platform and lined the surrounding rooftops like rows of tiki masks, their stoic glares scrutinizing our every move.

“Whoa, what’s with all the guards?” Rainbow Dash crept off the train like a mouse in a den of cats.

“I’m sure they’re just taking the necessary precautions.” Rarity looked around uncertainly. “Royal weddings do bring out the strangest ponies.” The white unicorn glanced behind her as Pinkie Pie sneezed a cloud of confetti. “Now, let’s get going! We’ve got work to do!”

“And you’ve got a big brother to go congratulate.” Applejack nodded at Twilight.

“Yeah. Congratulate.” The purple unicorn huffed. “And then give him a piece of my mind.” She marched right through a line of guards without giving them a second glance. Meanwhile, those of us that actually had luggage (and weren’t ponies) fell under the full inquiry of the security officers.

“Lanterns, you say?” A grizzled earth pony, flanked by two steel-eyed pegasi, shuffled through the contents of my trunk.

“The cyan ones, yes.” My eyes casually searched the officer’s face. “The magenta ones are sleep aids and the clear ones are Russian drinks.” Technically, not lying.

“Hmph…” A hoof clasped the luggage shut. “You understand that we have to retain all alchemy products until the commander clears them, right?”

“That’s fine.” I said casually. “But can I at least hold onto my hand cream?”

“What for?”

“Really?” I held up my bald forearms. “Not all of us were born with nice hide like you were, sir. My hands have a tendency to dry out if I don’t take care of them.” The officer still looked hesitant until one of his pegasi whispered over his shoulder.

“If I may, sir, Mark is an ambassador and a personal guest of Princess Celestia.”

“Fine.” The earth pony pushed the trunk back towards me. “But the potions remain here.”

“Understood.” I inclined my head. “I’ll be back for them as soon as they’re cleared. In the meantime, please be gentle with them. They tend to make a mess if damaged.” Understatement. The officer still looked skeptical, but in the next moment, my trunk was the last thing on his mind.

There was a terrific bang and a blizzard of square bits of paper swept over the platform. Every guard jumped, and a few of them leveled their spear at the source of the commotion. A little way down the platform, a very dazed guard was frozen, still staring down the barrel of Pinkie Pie’s party cannon. The earth pony, on her part, was grinning from ear to ear, her hoof still firmly planted on the cannon’s trigger.

“Hard Shod! What in Equestria do you think you’re doing?” The captain bellowed.

“Sir?” The dazed guard turned around slowly, his face plastered with bits of confetti.

“I asked you what in the hoof that contraption is!”

“Sir?” The hapless soldier rubbed his ears tenderly. “Sir, did you say something?”

“Unbelievable…” The earth pony guard grumbled.

“As-as far as I can tell, sir, it’s a cannon that shoots confetti-”

“-and sometimes table cloths!” Pinkie added.

“That shoots… wat?” With a grunt, the officer shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Is it dangerous?”

“The only thing this cannon breaks is the doldrums!” The bouncing pony sounded a party horn victoriously and in a blur, the soldier who had been struck by her cannon had a matching one dangling from his lips. It was only then that Pinkie realized she was the only one smiling. “Uh, you’ve got a little something on your nose…”

“Cough!” A couple pieces of paper escaped the luckless guard’s throat.

“I think you got it.” The pink pony glanced at the rest of the gold-clad soldiers. “Yeesh! Tough crowd…”

“You said it.” I replied under my breath. “Come on. We’ve still got to meet the future bride and groom.” I didn’t have to tell the girls twice. With eager squeals and girlish chittering, they left the train station behind and scurried up towards the palace like a flock of eager chickens.

A glance around Canterlot showed that almost everypony was as swept up in the spectacle of the royal wedding as we were. Blue ribbons were draped over every streetlight, pink flags were flown outside every window and the wreaths and garlands of tickled pink flowers adorned every corner and lined every rooftop. It was almost enough to make one forget the fishbowl-like force field that blotted out the sky.

Once within the palace gates, we were quickly shown into the entrance hall where we found Captain Shining armor, ‘Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’, and Twilight Sparkle waiting for us. The captain of Canterlot’s royal guards was as imposing in person as the artists had tried to draw him on the show. Glacier white with sky-blue eyes, Captain Shining Armor held himself as tall and noble as a pine tree and even had the telltale bulge of muscle at the base of his neck indicative of ponies accustomed to holding their head high. It was an honor to meet him even before he greeted us.

“I just wanted to say welcome.” His voice was remarkably soft for such a chiseled specimen. “And thank you all for agreeing to help with the wedding. I know it was short notice, but believe me when I say we couldn’t be more thrilled to have you here.” The captain gave the mare beside him a quick squeeze and I forced myself to smile politely in lieu of rolling my eyes.

“Oh, we’re positively honored!” Rarity squeaked. “This is sure to be the wedding of the century!” (If not longer.)

“Eee! I’mjustsoexcited!Ican’twaittogetstarted!Canyouwaittogetstarted?Ican’t! Aiee!” Pinkie Pie vibrated over the stone tiles like an industrial floor polisher.

“The pleasure is all ours.” I smiled reassuringly at the groom. “And may I just offer my congratulations to you, captain, and wish you the very best in the years to come?”

“Thank you all.” Shining Armor nodded graciously. “And I’m sorry for all the additional security, but rest assured, they’re been told to avoid getting underhoof. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” It took me all of a tenth of a second to cash in his offer.

“Well, now that you mention it,” I scratched my nose, “a few pieces of our luggage are being held back at the train station…”

“I’ll get right on it.” Shining Armor assured. “We’ll send them directly to your rooms.”

“In the meantime, just point us towards our stations and we’ll get to work!” Applejack reared up playfully and kicked her front legs. “These hooves were made for bakin’ and so far all we’ve burnt today is daylight!”

“That’s where this lovely mare comes in.” The captain looked fondly at the pony beside him. “Everyone, may I introduce my fiancé, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?” A round of well-wishing and introductions circled the room as each of the girls greeted the bride. For a moment, her gaze alighted on me and I had to devote all my concentration to upholding a relaxed visage.

The princess herself exuded a different type of mien than her fiancé. Cadance’s form was lithe and delicate, but held itself with an unyielding poise, like a birch tree. Her curled mane fell over her balanced wings like a shower of petals and her dawn-purple eyes quietly drank in the world around her. Of course, it was only Cadance’s image and not really Twilight’s beloved foalsitter that stood before me. My first impression of the creature beside Shining Armor was that of a watcher, silently observing everything, remembering everything, betraying nothing. I only hoped that my cheeks weren’t burning as pink as her hide as I introduced myself.

“It’s an honor to finally meet you, your highness.” My bow gave me a brief respite from her stare. “Princess Celestia hasn’t asked me to make any specific contributions to the ceremony, but I assure you that I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this wedding goes off without a hitch.”

“I’m sure you will.” The imposter (for simplicity’s sake, can I just call her ‘Cadenza’?) smiled at the room. “I can’t tell you all how much it means to me that you’re all here for my special day.”

“Think nothing of it, Princess.” Applejack tilted her hat.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, darling.” Rarity assured. “Just relax and leave the rest to us.”

“You’re going to have the most awesomest wedding ever!”

“Rainbow Dash, that’s not a word…” But everypony’s spirits were too high to let something like grammar bring them down.

After excusing themselves, the girls all split into their separate stations. Applejack ran to the kitchens, Rarity vanished into the dressing rooms, Fluttershy left for the palace atrium, Pinkie Pie shot for the ballroom and Rainbow Dash rocketed into the sky. Silent until that point, Twilight Sparkle beckoned for me to join her as she turned to leave.

“If you really want, I’m sure we could find something for you to help with.” She intoned. Far from lifting her mood, meeting her brother and Cadenza had only served to darken Twilight’s demeanor.

“Thanks, but I’ve still got to pick up my stuff, remember?” A thumb jabbed in the general direction of the train station.

“Oh right, your ‘wedding gift’.” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, but didn’t press the issue. At last, I also tried to excuse myself, but Shining Armor’s voice stopped me.

“Sir Mark, if you don’t mind?”

“Yes?” I turned around just in time to get slapped in the face with a shameless PDA. Princess Cadenza planted a long, lingering kiss on here fiancé’s nose before following the girls to their wedding preparations. I was just thankful he had enough respect for the uniform to refrain from kissing her back.

“I’ll see you later.” She whispered. Finally, reluctantly, almost apologetically, Shining Armor turned back towards me and tried to restart our conversation.

“Do you have a moment?”

“I am at your disposal, Mr. Mi Amore.” I chuckled.

“Mr… what? No, I’m afraid that’s not how marriage works around here.” The captain explained.

“Oh doesn’t it?” A knowing smile stretched my cheeks.

“Well,… maybe a little…” He glanced back over his shoulder.

“Haha! If only more men adored their wives as much as you do. Keep it up, mate, we’ll make a Rory Williams out of you yet.” I looked down at the noble stallion proudly. “But that's still a pretty high bar. Anyway, was there something you wanted to talk about?”

“Just that I wanted to welcome you to Equestria personally.” He pulled himself up to his full height. I tilted my head as if to catch his words better.

“You mean Canterlot?”

“No, I meant Equestria.” The captain repeated. “Twilight is always talking about her special guest and, honestly, it’s a real pleasure to finally meet you. I’m just sorry it’s not under better circumstances. My little sister and even both the princesses think very highly of you, but, as captain of the royal guard, I’m afraid we can’t ignore the fact that you represent an entire world we know almost nothing about.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess.” I blinked, nonplussed. “Funny how I sometimes forget that.”

“You may have noticed how the city is on high-alert right now.” Shining Armor said slowly. “Unfortunately, not all of it is security detail for the ceremony.”

“Well, when you’re having a royal wedding to rival Kate and William’s, a few extra uniforms are always nice, but yes, I was starting to think the city-sized beach ball was getting excessive.” My eyes swept over the windows and the pink sky beyond. “The girls aren’t letting it bother them, but the way I see it, you’re either expecting a zombie apocalypse, Majora’s moon, or the Rebel fleet.” (Or all three.)

“Right now, we’re not sure what to expect.” The stallion admitted. “We’ve received an anonymous threat to Equestria’s safety and I’m sorry, but I have to ask you if you know anything about that.”

“Me?” I replied hastily.

“You’re not under suspicion or anything like that!” Shining Armor added quickly. “I’m just using all my sources to keep this city safe. We’re already flying blind as it is.”

“I see…” A cautious smile pulled at my lips. “I can understand your wariness, Shining Armor, but honestly, the possibility that you might feel threatened by humans or by Earth hadn’t even crossed my mind until you mentioned it. Rest assured that I have no hidden motives. All I want is to send you off tomorrow in a carriage with noisy horseshoes tied behind it.”

“Thank you.” The white stallion nodded gratefully. “I know this is an awkward first impression, but when it comes to the safety of-”

“You don’t have to explain.” I assured him. “I don’t know if Twilight told you, but I too am a big brother and I know perfectly well how much that means to me. Your megaspell here is ample proof of your own resolution. I have to admit, I’m impressed.”

“Heh. I guess you can call it my special talent.” Shining Armor lifted his chin again, proudly flashing the cutiemark emblem on his brestplate.

“I meant to ask you, actually, what spells did you put into your shield? I mean, how can it allow some ponies in but block others?”

“It’s really not that difficult.” Shining Armor glanced thoughtfully at his horn. “Barrier spells are some of the first ones I ever learned, and I’ve customized this one so that only myself, the princesses and a few of my gatekeepers can open it.”

“I see…” I felt the weight of my ‘hand cream’ sitting in my pocket. If Shining Armor’s filter was really tailored to the princess’s unique magic signature, then perhaps I didn’t need it after all. I changed the subject, “Just out of curiosity, though, what did you mean by ‘anonymous threat’?”

“Threats are nothing new. Especially anonymous ones. It seems every year, someone wants to test Princess Celestia’s patience, but most of them are just hollow threats.”

“What made this one special?”

“How about the fact that our entire intelligence network went dark about the same time? Info has become a scarcity right when we needed it most.” Shining Armor lowered his voice conspiratorially. When he sighed, it sounded like the grunt of a cornered bear, the tone of a pony who wasn’t used to playing on someone else’s terms.

“Do you have any leads?”

“Nothing more than guesses.” The captain scratched the back of his neck. “The gryphons are always trying to reassert their independence, but this would be a drastic move, even for them. There’s also the threat of organized crime, but I didn’t think there were any groups that could do something this big. Every couple thousand years, too, the dragons seem to make a push into Equestria, but somehow I don’t think they’d be able to keep that hidden.”

“Mysterious indeed.” My eyes swept around the room like Jaques Clouseau. “Vhat kind of enemy vould, in zeir right mind, varn zeir victim before zee attack?” The answer was as chilling as a Ghastly’s lick. For whatever reason, our foe wanted the city to be on high alert. Already, Shining Armor was playing into their hands (hooves), but what was his alternative? The captain of the royal guard seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

“If anything shows its face around here, we’re ready for it.” He assured. “Canterlot is now the safest city in Equestria.”

“Just seeing your resolve is enough to inspire me.” I lowered my voice and added a tidbit of wisdom Kakashi once shared with Sasuke. “But remember, the nail that sticks up is the one that gets hammered down.”

“That’s fine.” Shining Armor replied evenly. “As long as that means the rest of Equestria is untouched.”

“Spoken like a true knight.” I straightened up and looked over his head. “Now, I’m sure I’ve taken enough of your time, captain. I still need to see how I can help the girls, but if you ever want a more in-depth interview, I am always happy to oblige.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary.” The stallion assured. “Just promise me that you’ll let my guards know if you see any suspicious behavior.” Ironically, just as he said that, Shining Armor winced and the shield outside flickered ever so slightly. I stared at him for a half second too long before assuring him,

“I’ll do that, thank you.” With a brief nod, I excused myself. Behind me, Twilight’s brother continued to massage his temples irritably.

Instead of finding the girls, however, I guided my feet along a meandering loop out into the city and back towards the palace. Along the way, I picked up a few sandwiches to-go and casually passed the tower where the Elements of Harmony were being kept. Of course, the building was closed and its entrance occupied by a quartet of unblinking unicorn sentinels, but even still, I knew the Elements were more vulnerable than they’d been for a thousand years. After the Discord fiasco, Celestia had decided that her special lock made it too difficult for the girls to retrieve their Elements in case of emergency. Thus, the fate of Equestria was currently relying on good ol’ fashioned Minions-R-Us and an ornate (albeit unlocked) door.

By the time I had wound back around to my guest room, my steamer trunk and its precious cargo was already waiting for me. A quick scan revealed that none of the potions had been tampered with, but the flowers were looking worse for wear. With nothing else to do for the rest of the day, I set an alarm for sunset and tried to force myself to sleep the hours away. Unfortunately, my biological clock wasn’t easily fooled and I ended up sprawled out on my bed for a full fifty minutes before I finally passed into a semi-lucid daze. (How do cats do it?)

When I awoke, the sun was drowning in the dark surface of the horizon, it’s last desperate rays tinted ruby red by the city’s magic wall. I quickly washed my face, scarfed down a small snack, and poked my head out into the palace halls. All was quiet aside from the distant echoes of ponies helping erect the wedding decorations. On the front of my door was a letter written in a silky script so elegant that reading it was like watching a butterfly. It read,

Dear Mark,

I do hope this letter finds you presently. We haven’t seen any sign of you since this afternoon and were beginning to wonder what had become of you.

Should this message reach you in time, just know that the ladies and I have decided to spend the evening sharing drinks at La Rosée. Do find us if you have the chance. We’ll be sure to reserve a seat for you.

Best!

-Rarity

“Thanks, girls.” I felt a warm smolder in my chest as I carefully folded the letter and set it on a desk. “But my workday is just getting started.”

With my trunk safely protected behind a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, I wound my way through the palace toward the observation tower. The sky had matured into a silver night as Luna raised yet another full moon, the seventh one in as many days. I watched for a few moments as the deep blue alicorn relieved her sister from the day watch and adopted her place behind one of the tower’s telescopes. On any other night, I would feel safe beneath the moon’s radiance and its keeper’s watchful eye, but ours was not an enemy who could be seen in the conventional sense. As any good magician would say, ‘the closer you look, the less you see’.

“Who goes there?” The challenge froze me in my tracks as I tried to cross the courtyard to Princess Luna’s perch. In front of me, a line of earth pony and pegasus guards leveled their spears at my chest like chopsticks at a Korean barbecue.

“Just your friendly neighborhood biped.” I waved at the top of the tower.

“Stay indoors, Mark.” Luna warned.

“Actually, princess, I needed to talk to you.” In front of me, the guards exchanged uncertain glances. After a brief moment, the princess consented.

“Let him pass.” Immediately, the spears returned to their upright position and I was ushered into the observation tower.

Five minutes, and about ten thousand stairs later, I stepped out onto Princess Luna’s balcony. Her sapphire eyes never strayed from her telescope as she quietly scanned the valley and nearby hills for any sign of movement. The night was utterly still, but her nebulous mane curled and flowed around her hooves like mist over a pond. I remained quiet, a feeble attempt to savor the moment for as long as I could. The moment before everything changed.

“When you said you needed to talk, we assumed you had some pressing matter on your mind.” Luna continued peering through her spyglass. “Or did you simply miss our company?” Collecting my courage, I finally stepped forward, ending one chapter of my life and beginning another.

“You’re looking in the wrong direction.” I explained, planting my elbows on the balcony’s railing. Princess Luna’s telescope stopped panning over the hills as she cast a curious glance at me.

“Pardon?” In reply, I only met her gaze with a somber stare. Unfazed, she tilted her head playfully. “Very well, does this suit you?” Her instrument swept towards the north, but I only shook my head. Confused, she tried the northwest, but the results were the same. At last, she swung her telescope all the way to the south and peered through it. I couldn’t see what she saw, probably a magnified view of my pores, but my answer remained unchanged. At long last, the confusion in Luna’s eyes was replaced with trepidation as she realized what I was trying to tell her. “…You know what threatens us.”

“I know what threatens you.” Still leaning against the railing, I grabbed the telescope and dropped its gaze into the glittering city below. With a cautious glance at me, the princess craned her neck to see where I had pointed it.

“The Witch Wich deli?”

“What? No!” I seized the eyepiece and readjusted it. “Sheesh, and I was trying to be all dramatic, too. There! Try that.” Luna humored me once more, but an expression of shock quickly swept over her face.

“That’s-!”

“Cadance and Shining Armor’s place, I know. It’s actually pretty convenient that we can see them from here. You can clearly make out both of them in the window,” I gave a bone-dry chuckle, “but only one of them is home...”

“Explain.” Princess Luna focused all her attention on me like a magnifying glass over a bug. I began,

“At first, I thought this whole ‘anonymous threat’ thing was absurd. What idiot would attack a place by first putting it on high alert? Unless, of course, you just got bored sneaking around in Deus Ex, but that’s off-topic. No, our enemy wanted us on our guard. And why? Simply put, they wanted to see all the cards in our hand and as of now, we’ve obliged by showing them everything. Numbers, strategies, manpower, patrols, contingencies, everything.”

“If you’re implying that Shining Armor is working with-”

“Not Shining, no. He’s a good kid. No, I’m talking about ‘Princess De La Mi Amore Cadenza Mezzo Forte Allegro Alfredo-’ whatever!” I waved my hand exasperatedly. “Or, as I know her, Queen Chrysalis.”

“Of the changelings?” Princess Luna couldn’t have looked more shocked even if she had licked Mjolnir. She immediately pressed her eye back against the telescope.

“Oh, so you know her, then?” That simplified things.

“Not by sight, nay, but we have heard of her.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, ch-ch-ch-ch-changing is kind of her thing.” David Bowie rolled over in his grave.

“What proof do you have of this?” Luna asked pointedly. My tongue danced nervously behind my teeth as I tried to assemble the most credible-sounding way of explaining the incredible.

“Because I saw it.”

“What exactly did you see?” The princess’s eyes were a pair of dark pools, threatening to drown me. When I replied, my voice was as cold as iron.

“I saw the shield above Canterlot shatter like a stained glass window beneath a changeling army. They filled the sky, rallied by their Queen to a banquet of magic. I saw Canterlot’s soldiers overrun and I saw ponies fleeing in the streets.” After a moment of hesitation, I added, “And I saw your sister overthrown.”

The dark oceans flickered, searching my face for any sign of humor or jest, but grew as hard as ice when they found none.

“When… Did you see this?” Luna asked warily.

“When did I see it, or when is it supposed to happen?” I clarified. “I saw it quite a while ago, actually, in a TV show. As for when it transpires, that would be during tomorrow’s ceremony. The ultimate wedding crash.”

“But that’s-”

“Impossible? Think of it this way, Princess,” I scratched my temple thoughtfully, “You’re no stranger to time travel. I mean, you jumped into the future Steve Rogers-style. You knew this land back when the mountains were a little taller and the canyons were a little shallower. Now, picture for a moment what it would be like if someone could go the other way.”

“You imply that these events are history from your perspective.” Her voice was cooler than the flipside of the pillow. “How did you come to possess this knowledge? Surely you have not perfected a time spell, have you?”

“It’s because…” I hesitated, finding no easy way to explain. “Because your world is a fictional story back on Earth.” Despite the evening air, I felt my cheeks flush beneath the princess’s gaze. I had expected an awkward conversation, but imagining a scenario and living it are two completely different animals. For a long moment, the only thing that moved was Luna’s billowing mane.

“A story?” She inclined her head.

“A story.” I confirmed.

“A story...” She pondered.

“… A story.” I admitted.

“And what is this ‘story’ about, pray tell?” Luna continued to study my face, but I avoided eye contact.

“It’s a story about a mythical land called Equestria, a kingdom ruled over by two royal sisters, and the adventures of six friends who discovered the magic of friendship and reforged the Elements of Harmony.”

“Intriguing.” Silver horseshoes shifted their weight thoughtfully. “But you claim that it has shown you events that are yet to transpire?”

“I’ve been using this story to my advantage for a while now. For example, I snuck a bite of the ‘MMMM’ because I knew Pinkie Pie was going to hog it all after the judging.” I expounded. “I directed Twilight towards the bursting dam when the girls were playing superheroes. I collected instruments for Pinkie to ward off the parasprites with and even foresaw the return of Discord. And the only reason I was in the throne room during Nightmare Moon’s return was because I wanted to see the confrontation between her and Twilight Sparkle.”

Luna blinked, but remained silent. None of my arguments carried any real weight, however. It was a simple thing to look into the past and claim that I saw it coming, and looking into the future didn’t hold any credibility until events actually happened. That being said, if I wanted to convince Luna that I wasn’t just spinning tales like Sonic’s fox friend, I needed something that only a brony in Equestria would know. Something I couldn’t possibly know any other way. Suddenly, my line of thought hooked on a perfect example and I quickly reeled it in.

“I remember the first Discord war.” Like a fossil, my mind gently brushed the cobwebs off that one obscure memory. “I remember you standing beside your sister. You looked so determined once you brought the Elements of Harmony with you. That was back when they all looked like rupees, wasn’t it? But Discord didn’t look concerned. He simply sat on his throne, laughing. I think he stole your sister’s tail there for a moment. Was it her tail or her mane? I forget, but I definitely remember him eating from a big bag of seeds. He even flicked them in your face, too.”

Finally, Luna’s critical look fell from her eyes, leaving an expression of bewilderment behind. The princes slowly reached up and touched her cheek as if my words had pelted her as surely as the plunderseeds had.

“What else?” The princess asked patiently.

“What else do you want to know?” My eyes rested on the lantern-flecked city below. “In this chapter, the queen of the changelings impersonates Twilight Sparkle’s brother’s fiancé, feeding off his love while simultaneously weakening his ability to maintain the shield that keeps the city safe. By the time the wedding comes around, he barely has enough strength to stand, let alone fight. Canterlot falls and Chrysalis uses her stolen magic to wound Celestia.”

“And where was I in this escapade?”

“Nobody knows. Most fans think that you were asleep.”

“That hardly sounds in character.” Princess Luna snorted. “Is that how the story ends?”

“Not at all. Before the attack, Chrysalis imprisons Twilight Sparkle beneath Canterlot with the real Cadance. The two escape, however, and Cadance provides Shining Armor with enough power to repel the invasion.”

“That is all?”

“That’s all.”

In the distance, Canterlot’s luminous clock tower measured off the minutes of silence between us. Luna carefully weighed each of my words and I could only wait patiently until she had finished. Suddenly, the princess took me by surprise when she tilted her head and smiled.

“Very well.” A reassuring grin alighted on her face.

“Very well?” I sputtered.

“It appears this shield produces an echo.” The alicorn gazed up into the sky.

“Well, I mean, I expected to be going back-and-forth for at least another hour! You don’t have any questions? You’re not going to tell me I’m wrong? Argue about how real and authentic your world is? Ask me for more proof? Just a ‘very well’!? You know, sometimes you ponies scare me.”

“On the contrary,” Luna assured. “We have many questions, but nigh all of them are irrelevant to the task at hand. You have convinced me, Mark, and if what you are saying is true, then the invasion of our city is already begun and we have not a moment to waste. And if we fall, then the matter of your ‘story’ will be quite moot.” She strode back over to the telescope and peered through it thoughtfully. “It is remarkable, though, to think that our foe was beneath our eyes this whole time.”

“Like I said, I can’t tell if these changeling tactics are brilliant or insane.” I joined the princess. “Not only did she have direct access to the captain of the guard, but if anyone suspected that her behavior was odd, they would merely write it off as stress from the wedding. Heck, if anypony in the city was acting strange they could just blame it on the wedding or the anonymous threat!”

“Then why did you choose to trust me?” Luna looked at me curiously.

“Because I watched you fly through the force field just now.” I explained. “Shining Armor made it clear that only a couple ponies could do that and I trust him. Besides, Celestia knows you too well to have you replaced by an imposter.”

“Odd that my sister doesn’t suspect a change in her niece.”

“Maybe she does, but remember, ‘wedding nerves’.” I plucked my jar of ‘hand cream’ from my pocket and held it up for the princess to see. “This stuff was my ‘plan ‘A’. Zecora says that a changeling can’t transform if it’s applied to the skin, but I haven’t exactly been able to test it.” With a gentle torque, I pulled off the lid and revealed the salve within. It was a milky olive green lotion and when I touched it, the substance clung to my skin like Crisco. With a shrug, I pulled up a pant leg and smeared it on my exposed calf.

“As much as we would like to validate your claims, you do realize that we cannot confront Princess Mi Amore Cadenza with that potion, correct?”

“No, I already thought of that.” I explained. “As of right now, it seems Chrysalis is the most powerful creature in the city and there’s no telling what she would do if she suddenly found herself cornered. She’s got Cadence and Shining as hostages, and we don’t know how many other changelings are in the city with her. There might be none, there might be a thousand, I don’t know.”

“So this matter is kept between us.” Princess Luna released a painful breath. “And my sister?” I shook my head.

“The fewer ponies who know about this, the better, and if anypony is going to be under the scrutiny of the queen, it will be Celestia.” At that moment, Luna and I were the only ones who could operate undetected. The only ones who could work behind the scenes. The only ones who could sabotage the saboteurs. If Chrysalis suspected even a hint of detection, she might spring her trap before we were ready to counter her.

“I assume you have a plan to thwart the queen?” Luna looked at me expectantly.

“I do.” A mischievous smile plucked at my lips. “How well do you know the caves below Canterlot?”

According to the princess, the crystal mines beneath the city had been encroached upon by palace extensions until the only remaining entrance was nothing more than an offshoot of an obscure wine cellar. For years, it had only been used for storing goods, or for cooling the palace during particularly hot summers, but nopony had set hoof in the mines for at least a decade. They were abandoned, forgotten and dangerous and they were the first phase of my little scheme.

As stealthily as an elephant, I trundled my steamer trunk down the palace halls, avoiding as many guards as I could and avoiding my friends at all costs. I had been undetected up until that point, using my limited experience of the castle’s layout to avoid the major traffic zones and bypass the main halls. My goal was to rendezvous with Princess Luna at the entrance to the mines and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself for avoiding any suspicious ponies or uncomfortable questions. Things seemed to be going smoothly, but life just wouldn’t be any fun without a hitch every once in a while, would it?

“What are you doing?” I froze in my tracks, a shiver bouncing up and down my spine like a slinky. My head swiveled around to find the source of the voice. The youthful, flowery, frosty voice.

“Good evening Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.” The pink alicorn figure was standing directly behind me, one half of her face bathed in silvery moonlight and the other shrouded in shadow. I hadn’t even heard her walking behind me until she spoke.

“Evening, Mark, isn’t it?” Cadenza, though shorter than I, looked down on me. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“Well, I could ask you the same thing- with all due respect, of course, your highness.” I bowed humbly as the skin on the back of my hands began to prickle. “There are all kinds of strange things you can run into at night.”

“Like humans?” The princess asked dryly.

“And royalty.” I smiled weakly. Cadenza, however, wasn’t amused.

“Come to think of it, I haven’t seen you at all since this afternoon. You haven’t been getting into trouble, have you?” The purple eyes rooted me to the floor like shackles. And, like chains, my only hope was to keep them loose.

“Oh, trouble like you wouldn’t believe.” My laugh fell hollow on the walls. “That was a joke, by the way. No, I’ve actually been… out and about. Helping make sure everything is safe for your big day tomorrow. Like Discord, for example. I am pleased to announce that the ol’ draconequus is as stoned as Fred Flintstone on marijuana and as rocky as a Sylvester Stallone boxing movie.”

“Well, that’s very thoughtful of you… I think.” Cadenza glanced back down at the trunk. “And, you’re sneaking through the palace at night because…?”

“Check it out, I think you’re going to like this.” I winked, opening the lid just far enough to retrieve a flameless lantern. “I made them myself. Tell me what you think.” With a quiet snap, I twisted the potion’s cork and cracked the wax seal on it. Slowly, a tiny star of light awoke in the blue liquid until the entire bottle radiated like Frodo’s ‘Light of Earendil’. The moonlit hall seemed to dim in the light of the lantern until all I could see were our two faces floating like masks in the darkness. Cadenza stared thoughtfully at the glow for a lingering moment.

“I’m planning on decorating the gardens with them. With some string and a couple good trees, they might make for a neat constellation effect.”

“It’s lovely. But you do know the wedding is during the day, right?”

“Not if I have anything to say about it.” I assured. “If all goes well, the reception will go long into the night. Pinkie Pie and Vinyl Scratch can keep a party’s momentum going stronger than Mr. Incredible on P90X. Of course, you’ll probably be long gone by then.”

“Gone? Gone where?”

“The honeymoon, of course.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” The hallway returned to normal as I tucked the lantern away into the trunk and sealed it shut. “Do you only have the one color?”

“Well, I’m just an apprentice alchemist, so that’s all I could make, but by adding powdered metals to the mix you can get a whole rainbow of colors. What did you want, pink? Blue? Green?”

“Why would I want green?” Cadenza blinked.

“Oh, just a random guess. Color of life, forests, growth, new beginnings. It’s a calming color, but I understand if you don’t like it. It doesn’t quite match your coat.”

“Actually, it was a very lucky guess.” The princess smiled reassuringly. “As for matching my coat, you’d be surprised at how well a girl can accessorize.”

“Who says a girl can’t really have it all?” I flashed a light grin, but my stomach kicked me reproachfully. My conversation was riding a dangerously fine line between small talk and self-betrayal. As quick as I could, I steered the dialog onto a new track, “So, your highness, what are you doing back at the palace? I thought you had left for home already.”

“I was looking for Twilight Sparkle, actually.” Cadenza avoided eye contact. “She stopped by my house, but then left all of a sudden. I was hoping I could find out what was bothering her.”

“That so?” I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much, princess. Twilight’s going through a stressful time herself you know?”

“Oh dear. What do you mean?”

“Well, put yourself in her shoes.” (You’re good at that.) “She just doesn’t want to lose her brother. Those two have always watched out for each other and now that he’s moving on, she probably feels abandoned, lonely, betrayed, even. She’s fiercely protective of him and maybe she just hasn’t come to accept you yet.”

“Accept me? But what have I done?”

“Let me rephrase that.” I held out a placating hand. “She hasn’t come to accept the situation, yet. People grow up, they move on with their lives. It’s what they do. You, more than anypony else, symbolize how things change” (Literally) “throughout time. You’re not the pony she remembers from her filly years and she doesn’t want to accept the fact that that she needs to grow up too.”

Though spontaneous, I was quite proud of my little soliloquy. Not only did it continue shifting Cadenza’s attention off me and my mysterious box of tricks, but perhaps I was telling the changeling queen exactly what she wanted to hear, that Twilight Sparkle was an easy target to single out and separate from her brother. Did that mean I was partly to blame for Twilight embarrassing herself at the wedding rehearsal? Possibly. Was I setting her up to save Cadance? Also possibly. I was ok with that.

“I had no idea she saw me like that.” Cadenza held a hoof against her breastbone. “Maybe it was a good thing I missed her. Oh dear, and Shining has asked her to be his best mare. This could get complicated.”

“A problem that can wait until tomorrow, princess.” I comforted. “You don’t need any more stress. In the meantime, you should try and get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.”

“Then I’ll let you go. Goodnight, Mark.” The pink alicorn nodded in a polite farewell, the barest hint of a smile hidden beneath her muzzle.

As she vanished down a flight of stairs, I waved casually and held a polite grin. Only after the last of her hooffalls faded into silence and I had measured out ten long seconds did I start my heart again. With shaking hands, I hefted my trunk once more and redoubled my pace.

“Were you waylaid?” Luna whispered anxiously. She and I stood in a dusty part of the palace’s underbelly, not unlike the crawlspace beneath my house. Cobwebs hung from decrepit wooden beams and the stone walls were warping beneath the weight of countless years.

“Met our favorite bridezilla.” I released a long, heavy breath. “So, that was a thing.”

“Fie! She was here?” Luna hissed. “Did she suspect you of aught?”

“No, I think I conveyed a safely naïve, if obliging, human.”

“Well, it is a role you play well.”

“Thank you! Wait…”

“Come look at what we’ve found.” Luna, her shape no more than a ripple in the darkness, turned and gestured towards the far end of the chamber. Where once had stood a rickety pair of wooden doors now was only a yawning abyss. The ancient timber had been shattered and the gates hung from their hinges like forsworn corpses.

“It is strange.” The princess mused.

“You mean the fact that someone’s already broken into the mines or the fact that they didn’t leave footprints behind?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, those too. Nay, we were reminiscing of a time before these gates were erected. And now look at them. Ancient relics.”

“With all due respect, it’s the present we need to watch out for.” I leered into the mines. “If this is the only remaining path in and out of the crystal caves, then we should assume it’s being watched. In the story, the queen enslaved three bridesmaids to the job.”

“Then we shall proceed with suitable precautions.” Luna’s voice leveled like a sword as she stepped forward. Her horn whispered with a vaporous glow and I felt a light breeze envelop my ankles. When I looked down, I saw the princess’s magic erasing my footprints as they fell and my trunk floated behind us like a ghost. Without a sound, Luna crept into the mines like a panther.

Once inside, I had to fight to keep myself from whistling in awe. The halls of the mountain opened to welcome us as we stepped out of the humble palace and into a realm of riches. The stone walls gave way in every direction until we found ourselves standing on the edge of a vast cavern, its every surface glistening of mirrored purple crystals. It was as if the entire mountain that Canterlot rested upon was a single colossal pocket of agate, or like seeing the dwarven halls of Moria after Elsa had decorated them, or like stepping down the throat of the Cave of Wonders. (Your choice.)

“Now this… This has not changed since we were gone.” A note of gratitude accented Luna’s voice. “My sister and I would play together in these mines when we were but fillies, hiding and chasing one another. So many memories of these halls.”

“Remember what I said about keeping your eyes on the present?” Every surface returned my whisper until I was deafened by my own warning.

“I tell you this for a reason.” The princess cautioned. “Crystal is of great value to unicorns, and not merely for its luster. Indeed, it is because it naturally resists one’s magic. Therein does its worth lie.”

“And this is important because?”

“I cannot detect any presence here other than your own.” Luna indicated her radiant horn. “Yet, that is not to say that we are alone. These mines are to me what a dark room is to you. Where else can two alicorns play hide-and-seek without simply following each other’s magic?”

“So, even the mines were a strategic decision.” I spoke as much to myself as to the princess. “Maybe the bridesmaids aren’t here yet, but even so, we should still move quickly.” With practiced efficiency, I flipped open the lid of the still-flying trunk and armed myself with its contents.

“Now will you further explain your strategy?” Luna asked, watching me cautiously.

“It comes down to this.” I whipped out a piece of paper that looked like a sketch of an ant farm. “The real Cadance is being held hostage somewhere in these mines, beyond our reach, beyond our manpower, and beyond our magic. Twilight is going to break her out of her cell, but that still leaves two ponies lost in a mountain-sized labyrinth. We place these-” I cradled the still-active lantern in my hand like a softball, “-at key intersections in the mine along with one of-” I whipped out an ‘exit’ sign, “-these. If the heroines can find even one marker, it will point them towards the next one and the next one all the way home.”

“It assumes many things, but I can see your logic.” The princess squinted at one of the signs. “But why a picture of a wrinkly elephant?”

“It’s a hand!” My voice bounced around the room like Han Solo’s blaster shot inside a trash compressor. “Look.” I took a lantern and a sign and tucked them behind an outcropping of rock, invisible from the entrance, but a bright beacon to anyone deeper in the mine.

“We see you have also brought flowers. What is their purpose?” Luna lifted the sorry bouquet. My face scrunched as if I had smelled something unpleasant, but I explained.

“Well, when the girls get here, there’s going to be the queen’s thralls making life difficult for them. They just need a distraction to get past.”

“And you chose flowers?” Amusement glinted in Luna’s eyes. “How… appropriate for bridesmaids.” There was a gentle ringing as her horn grew brighter and a healing light enveloped the plants. Their stems perked up and their petals grew silky once more.

“Blame McCarthy if you think it’s sexist.” I grunted. “Personally, I think this will do.” As tenderly as handling a stick of dynamite, I planted a sleep grenade beside the glimmering lantern along with a canteen and a letter. Two days-worth of penmanship had culminated in the longest text I had even penned in Equestrian. It read,

Dear Twilight, (And you too, Cadance,)

Great job, girls, you’re almost out of the frying pan! As for the well-dressed ladies trying to keep you from leaving the mines, not to worry, I’ve donated one of my signature sleep grenades to the cause. (Seriously, though, it’s still a prototype. Let me know how it works for you.) (And if all else fails, I guess you can still use the flowers, but I mean honestly, they’re just a cop-out.)

Better hurry, though. I think ‘This Day Aria’ only lasts two minutes.

Oh, that reminds me, I’ve left some sweet tea behind as a little pick-me-up. Not sure how long you’ve been trapped down here, Princess, but we can’t have you fainting before you crash your own wedding now, can we?

Best wishes! And congrats if this all works out. If not, disregard.

Signed:

(It’s not obvious? Twilight, I can hear you complaining about my calligraphy already.)

-Mark

“That’s that.” I straightened up and glanced at Luna. She peered over my shoulder at the little cache on the ground.

“Your tone is remarkably casual for one who is attempting to alter the threads of fate.” She commended.

“Yeah, well, there will be plenty of time to freak out later. For now, we just need to assure Cadance and Shining get back together.”

“Then let us not linger. The night grows long and we have much to do before tomorrow.” Her horn ignited and a gentle pressure, like a silk cocoon enveloped me and swept me off my feet. With a stifled yelp, I found my body whisked alongside the princess as she spread her midnight-blue wings and dove into the heart of the mountain. Prior to that moment, I realized that I had never been held in a levitation spell before, not even by Twilight. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, but it was slightly demeaning.

Using a combination of her memories and my directions, the two of us flew down countless bejeweled corridors, the light from Luna’s horn glinting off every surface until I had the passing impression we were falling through a starry night sky. Every few minutes, she would set me down and I would erect a marker before sweeping me off to the map’s next checkpoint. Somewhere through the miles of stone and earthen glass above us, the night was wearing on and the dawn of the wedding was inching ever closer. Between stops, I did my best to relay everything I knew about ‘A Canterlot Wedding’ to my friend while she, in turn, listened silently.

“Even so, we wish there was a way we could avoid putting our sister in jeopardy.” Luna finally said as we wrestled an old mine cart to the top of a spiral rail. (A little boost for the girls.) “I’m sure that, with her help, she and I could still overcome Queen Chrysalis on our own. An invasion need not happen at all.”

“I understand.” I grunted, wedging a rock beneath the cart’s tire to keep it from rolling. “And if it means anything, I’m sorry. I don’t like letting the bad guys win either, but I still think this is the best option in the long run.”

“Why? How can you be sure Shining Armor and Princess Cadance’s magic will be enough to conquer the power Chrysalis stole?” A hand seized a wad of my intestines and tenderly twisted them into a knot.

“I don’t. But if they can, then we should let them try. I know it sounds like cheap storytelling, but if those two kids can pull off their love nuke, then there’s no better time to do so than when all hope seems lost. The moment when Chrysalis is overconfident and exposed and all her minions are within the blast zone. The choices were: we can either stop the queen and thwart the invasion, or we can cripple the entire changeling army in one fell swoop. Maybe it wasn’t really my place, but I made an executive decision.” Luna’s face swam with mixed emotions, worry, consent, apprehension, bravery, doubt, the same feelings of confidence and fear that churned within my own chest.

“If it’s any consolation, I’ve got a couple contingency plans too.” I absently fingered the harness that I wore and the arsenal of potions thereon.

“We meant to ask you what the purpose of your attire was.” Luna tilted her head.

“You like it? I’ve got medicines, tranquilizers, firebombs, this alchemist is combat ready! I tried to copy the nifty vests the Hidden Leaf ninjas wear in Naruto, but I’ve got a debilitating fear I look more like the Love God from Gravity Falls…”

“Compared to you, we feel underdressed for an invasion.” Luna chortled.

“Oh, don’t worry. Next stop is the armory. The ultimate armory…” My teeth gleamed in the darkness.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of wandering through the world’s largest house of mirrors, the princess and I found our way back to the expansive entrance cavern and the palace beyond. The grey light cast from the castle’s old wine cellar was like a dusty star, punching a hole in the world of glass. At once, Luna froze, leering at the exit above us.

“They’re here. Just as you said.” She breathed. Following her gaze, I could see three shadows patrolling the rocky perch, unicorn mares in bridesmaid attire. They stared into the dark recesses of the mountain with unblinking eyes that glowed faintly with a sickly green light. Their statuesque posture and expressionless faces implied that they still hadn’t detected us.

“Do you think Chrissie will notice if we break the spell they’re under?” I whispered.

“’Twould not be wise to risk it.” Luna decided.

“Then how do we get past them?” Already, one of my hands was drifting to my belt of grenades, but Luna merely said,

“Stay close.” Immediately, her mane and tail began to flow out from behind her like a flag in a tempest. The starry field enveloped the two of us and a vertigo, like falling in an elevator, filled my stomach. The next thing I knew, I was hovering beside the princess as she spread her wings and glided up towards the exit. For a moment, I thought for sure that we’d be spotted, but after a moment of panic, I realized that the six eyes staring at us were actually staring through us. Minuette’s dry and bloodshot gaze continued leering at the far side of the cavern even as we drifted within spitting distance of her. From within the princess’s magic field, she and I were no more than shadows in a land of shadows, a camouflage bordering on invisibility.

“I still feel terrible, leaving them like that.” I took a deep breath as Luna set me down on palace stone once more. “They look like they haven’t slept all night.”

“If your plan succeeds, they will have their justice.” The princess added extra emphasis on ‘your’. “But we must hurry, the dawn is already upon us. What else must we do before the ceremony?”

“First, lower the moon like always.” I cast a furtive glance behind me and added, “Then, meet me in front of Canterlot Tower.”

I felt like a small raincloud on a sunny day as I made my way through the city that morning. Like a black dot on a white sheet of paper. Like Eddy Valentine in a movie theatre. The bright sun was raining down through Shining Armor’s pink bubble and everypony was buzzing about the impending wedding. I was the only one on the street not smiling.

The stage was almost set, the placements laid out, the curtains ready to rise on the grand finale, but there was one last thing I wanted to do before the changelings arrived. My gaze lingered on the building where the Elements of Harmony were stored. Nothing was more frightening than the age-old question of ‘what if?’, and more than one FimFiction author had dared to ask one of the most haunting ‘what if’s I’d ever encountered, ‘What if the changelings won?’.

“Is it not suspicious to have us both standing here?” Luna crept up behind me, her silver crest glinting uncharacteristically bright in the sunlight. “Dare I ask why you have called us here?”

“I suspect you already suspect my suspicions.” I jutted my chin out at the white tower before us. “According to the story, the Elements of Harmony don’t save the day like they usually do. Even after a strangely satisfying fight scene, the Main Six (Twilight and her friends) can’t even get to them. My theory: Chrysalis thinks that the artifacts in that tower are the only things that can stop her. Thus, she targeted Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, and separated her from her friends not unlike Discord, but far subtler. As if that weren’t enough, this tower is going to be something of a rallying point for the first wave of changelings. The longer I analyze her methods, the more fearsome of a tactician Chrysalis seems to be.” Luna looked between me and the tower before venturing,

“You want to get to them first.”

“Hey, it’s not like the girls are going to miss them.”

“’Tis not the point. It still feels like theft to take them before an invasion has even begun.”

“No, they’re a national treasure, and the Germans are on the way. This is preemptive protection. You don’t think that’s a good idea?” Luna said nothing, but remained staring at the white tower. I took a deep breath to collect myself and confessed my fears. “Princess, I know I said that I’ve seen the future because I’ve seen its story, but the truth is, this world is far more alive than I care to admit. I’ve been fortunate so far, events have followed the show’s canon pretty accurately, but today of all days, a million things could go wrong. Maybe the love bomb doesn’t work, maybe Celestia squashes Chrissie, maybe the only Cadance Twilight finds in the mines is a corpse, I don’t know. But if anything goes wrong, I’d feel a heckova lot better knowing the Elements are still beyond the changeling’s grasp.”

“Enough. We know what needs to be done.” She tossed her head derisively. “Follow our lead.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Obediently, I fell in step with the princess.

For a shattered second, the guards bristled as we approached, but their expressions quickly dissolved into astonishment when they saw who stood before them.

“P-princess?” A pearl-white unicorn gaped like a codfish.

“And the Earthling emissary.” Luna said evenly. “Per hospitality, we offered the ambassador an opportunity to examine the Elements of Harmony. Will thou kindly let us pass?” To my surprise, the guard’s suspicious scowls returned and I feared they would deny the princess the request, despite her station.

“I’m afraid Shining Armor-” But Luna made it perfectly clear that her question had been rhetorical.

“Answers to me. As do you, if I’m not mistaken.” I had to bite my lip after that. “Though his wedding could always use further interruptions if you would like to consult him about the terms of his employment.”

“That’s not… necessary.” The guard lowered his eyes and his voice.

“Thank you.” Without a second glance at the abashed guard, Luna led the way into the stone building.

Once we were inside and the heavy doors were closed behind us, I glanced sideways at my friend.

“That was weird.”

“At least it cannot be said that they do not take their posts lightly.” The princess inclined her head towards the far end of the hall.

Canterlot Tower was as I had remembered it. Arched, long, and flanked on either side by stained glass representations of heroes past and present. The air felt strangely muted and plain compared to the buzzing city outside. Together, we marched down the long carpet towards the end of the hall and the vault the Elements were kept in, but Luna’s shoes grew heavier with every step she took. With an icy blast of her blue aura, the secure chamber was breached and the chest containing the mysterious artifacts was exposed.

“They’re here… As they should be…” The alicorn princess walked around the chest thoughtfully.

“Something wrong, princess?” I glanced warily back towards the exit.

“A moment, if you will.” She pleaded, tenderly lifting the lid of the chest. Rays of rainbow light rose from the ornate box like a mist as daylight touched the mystical gemstones. Luna gazed down at them with an elusive expression in her eyes. It was at once nostalgic and proud, but distanced and remorseful.

“Is there something on your mind?” Rhetorical question.

“It’s likely not something you can sympathize with.” Luna explained. “For years, my sister and I held these between us, a symbol of our unbreakable bond and the balance we brought to the world. It is amusing, to think that they separated us as well.”

“I don’t think NMM counts.”

“And now look at them.” Luna continued as if she didn’t hear me. “They’re still here, the Elements still exist, but they have adopted new bearers. They will never again look like the ones I shared with my sister, will they? It feels… like something precious was lost forever.”

“No, I understand.” I said softly. “These are a symbol of the old world, an unmoving cornerstone in which you two found identity in. Now that they’ve changed, you feel that you’ve lost those days forever.” A deep sigh filled my chest. “You have to remember, Princess, that these were not your family. Celestia is. And she’s still here for you. Find your identity in that, not in the power or prestige of the Elements.”

“Yes. Yes, you’re right.” Luna blinked as her mind returned to the present. “That is wisest. Thank you. Now, please stand back.” I obliged and the alicorn princess lowered her horn towards the chest. There was a whispering sound, like leaves in an autumn breeze and her magic coiled around the box, sinking into its surface like water into a sponge. When she lifted her head again, it looked as if nothing had changed, but before I could ask what she had done, Luna plucked the box up in her telekinesis. To my amusement, rather than leaving behind an empty pedestal, a gaseous copy of the chest, like a mirage, remained behind.

“There. The spell will not last but for a few hours.”

“That’s a fine piece of work.” I complimented, sweeping my hand through the holographic box. “But don’t worry. If all goes well, we’ll only need a few hours.”

Operative word, ‘if’.

“What are you doing?” The harsh challenge boomed through the quiet hall. Luna and I spun around to come face-to-face with the four tower guards. However, our friends from earlier weren’t at their precious post and their faces plainly showed that their question was rhetorical.

“Where the hay did you guys come from?” I muttered. Sneaking around in a full suit of armor was impressive enough. Even more so was the fact that the door at the far end of the hall was still shut.

“Mark, allow me.” Luna stepped forward confidently and addressed the guards. “Return to your posts. This is a matter of the city’s security.”

“Yes, princess, it is.” The silver unicorn from earlier lowered his eyebrows and his spear. Immediately, his three companions followed suit, pointing their steely weapons at the princess. The unicorn brusquely commanded, “Princess Luna, you will surrender those Elements and come with us.” The guard turned to a nearby pegasus and ordered, “Inform Princess Mi Amore Cadenza that there has been a breach at Canterlot Tower.”

“Belay that order!” I bellowed, stepping forward.

“Mark, what are you-?”

“Don’t worry, princess, I got this.” My feet continued walking towards the fence of spears while I flashed a grin back at Luna.

“Under the authority of the Princess and Captain Shining Armor, you will submit!” The unicorn cried. “You will comply or be forcibly detained!”

“These are not the perps you are looking for.” I casually waved a pair of fingers through the air. “You saw nothing. You will lower your weapons and return to your post.”

“The hay is wrong with you!?” The unicorn leaned forward, bringing the tip of his weapon up to my throat. I glanced back at my friend apologetically.

“Must be toydarian.” I explained. “Mind tricks don’t work on ‘im, only money.” In a flash, I spun back around and smashed a glass potion bottle on the carpet.

“Mark!”

“Seize the-cough-cough!” The unicorn guard’s order crumbled into a fit of hacking and coughing as a grey-pink cloud of smoke erupted within the hall. My vision was filled with the chalky color as if I were staring at a blank piece of construction paper, but I could clearly hear the guards scrambling over one another to escape the rising gas. Finally, their shouts of surprise fell silent as their bodies dropped helplessly to the carpet.

“Mark!” There was the ringing sound of magic and a sudden gust of wind swept through the hall. The cloud of gas was whisked away like a bad dream and my vision was returned to me. I was crouching on the floor with the remains of a shattered bottle in front of me. Throughout the tower, the offending guards littered the floor, bound by the chains of sleep.

“It worked! I’m a genius!”

“Mark! Now you’ve gone too far! How dare you attack these stalions? They were only doing their duty. There was no reason to…” But I wasn’t listening to Luna’s scolding. I crept towards the silver unicorn and withdrew the jar of Zecora’s disillusionment cream. Out of sheer curiosity, I dipped my finger in the oily mixture and smeared it on the guard’s flank.

Princess Luna’s words died on her tongue as the hide I touched ignited with green flame. Like the burning map intro to ‘Bonanza’, the billowing magic fire crept along the guard’s skin, erasing his velvet gray hide and revealing something akin to black leather beneath. The flames only stopped when half his body had transformed into the hairless body of a changeling.

“How did you know?” Luna breathed, stepping up behind me cautiously.

“I didn’t, but I suspected.” I sniffed, screwing the lid back onto my jar. “He was being difficult earlier, and obviously didn’t trust us being alone with the Elements. Finally, he implied that he took orders from Cadenza instead of Celestia or Shining. Turns out I was right.”

“A changeling…” Luna swallowed hard. “Then they had already secured the Elements.” Her eyes swept over the other bodies. “Does this mean that every…”

“Not everypony.” I corrected. “But anypony…”

For a long moment, a brooding silence fell upon the hall, broken only by the muffled sound of bells from outside. Too long did it take us to realize that the bells were not chiming the hour.

“The wedding.” Luna sparked back into action. Her horn shimmered as she swept up the unconscious guards, their weapons, and even the remains of my potion bottle. Her magic stuffed them into the Element’s vault before she whisked herself back towards the door. “We must hurry.”

“Right.” With a silent prayer that my tranquilizer potion would last until the end of the invasion, I followed her.

Luna quickly led me through a winding maze of Canterlot’s back streets and narrow alleys, avoiding as much traffic as possible and ensuring that we weren’t being followed. When she finally stopped, we were on the roof of a flower shop, the distant towers of the palace clearly visible.

“What is our next strategy?” Luna looked at me with a steely expectation, like a soldier on the eve of battle. Her bravery, her willingness to fight, and her devotion to Canterlot only made it harder to say what I needed to.

“You need to escape this city.”

“Pardon? But Mark-”

“I’m going to make my way into the palace, up to the wedding hall. From there, I think I might be able to assure everything else plays out according to the script, but I need you to take those Elements and get out of Dodge until we’re sure this is all over.”

“Mark…” Luna looked pained. “Surely there must be something more we can do to help our cause. But this… you’re asking us to abandon our city, our friends… our sister?” Inwardly, I groaned like a cave troll, but I understood Luna’s apprehension. She had come from an era that Equestria had all but forgotten, a time of war and conflict. Asking her to run from a fight went against the very mettle she was made of, but I had to convince her to see how much was counting on her safety. So focused on my friend was I that I didn’t realize the wedding bells had stopped or the fact that one of the palace spires was glowing green.

“Look. I’m worried, ok? I’m frightened. And why? Because I don’t know how this day will end. Not really, anyways. I may have seen how the story’s supposed to go, but that doesn’t mean I’m an expert on changelings. I don’t know how they’re born, how powerful they can get, how they transform, or even what their plans are after they take over Equestria. They only appear for this episode and the good guys won so I don’t know what Chrysalis plans to do with the city once she takes over. I don’t know why the changelings think scaring a city half to death will let them feast on their ‘love’. Quite frankly, my imagination runs wild and so did Littlecolt’s.”

“Littlecolt?”

“A fan author who wrote a story called ‘The Conquering of Love’. In it, he portrayed a world that made a frightening amount of sense. An idea that the changelings imprison their victims in dream worlds and harvest magic from them not unlike the robots in The Matrix. It might not be canon, but it got me thinking, if all goes wrong, Equestria is going to need a princess to rally them against the changelings. Someone on the outside. That’s where you come in.”

“And this is why you enlisted my help? To run in the face of danger? To abandon my subjects in their time of need?” Luna’s voice rose dangerously, but before I could answer, a second sun blossomed behind me.

“Holy-” I instinctively ducked as a shockwave washed over the rooftops. My eyes turned toward the wedding hall where the windows were ablaze with fiery golden light. Ribbons of sickly green aura wrestled with the golden rays like a serpent with a mongoose, threatening to rip the very roof off the palace. After what seemed like an eternity, the golden light faltered, and then fell dark altogether. Nothing was left but a final burst of emerald flames.

“That was…” Slightly more epic than the episode, but I couldn’t finish my thought.

“Celestia!” Luna screamed, throwing herself forward.

“Luna, no!” I leapt in front of the princess, arms splayed wide.

“Let me go! I can’t leave her like that! I won’t! My sister-”

“Was defeated!” I snapped. “And unless you want to suffer the same fate, you’ll accept her sacrifice and get out of this city!”

“She was not!” The princess’s voice pitched. “If she wished, Celestia could raze this entire mountain!”

“Then why didn’t she?” It was an honest question, but Luna and I both realized we already knew the answer. Celestia didn’t want to. In a way, keeping the city intact and preserving the lives of her citizens was more important to her than defeating Chrysalis. I whispered, “She did it for them.”

Luna’s mouth seemed glued shut and her throat worked desperately to force words out, but all that formed was a lump in her throat. Her watery eyes flickered between me and the distant tower and back again before turning towards the sky. I followed her eyes to see the heavens filled with the armies of Armageddon.

The black cloud of the changeling swarm overshadowed the mountain, blotting out the sun like ash from a forest fire. Their sharp black bodies crashed against the city’s force field like a giant hammer until the feeble pink defense imploded like a Christmas ornament. Without stopping, the black storm poured down upon Canterlot, spreading chittering soldiers like snow and raining streaks of bright green magic like rain. I don’t know if it was due to the absence of the shield or the countless wings beating the air, but a chill breeze swept over me.

“Luna…” I croaked. “If the city falls today, you and that box of rocks will be the only chance the rest of the world will have at resistance. It might be tomorrow, it might be ten years from now, but at least there will still be hope. I know I’m asking you the hardest thing in the world. But I need you to be brave. I need you to be brave enough to run.” My eyes finally locked with hers. “I only pray that someday you may find it in yourself to forgive me.”

“Return unharmed… and perhaps we shall.” The deep pools of Luna’s eyes boiled with icy flames. “Make the black queen pay for what she’s done to my family.”

“I’ll send her your regards.” I promised. Luna straitened her neck, horn blossoming with a magic flare.

“We can get you within the palace walls, but you shall be on your own from there.”

“Thank you... Luna.” I swallowed hard. “You’ll know it’s safe to return when you see the rainboom above Canterlot.” With a final pulse of magic, the world around me vanished.

It felt like being dragged behind the Millennium Falcon by a rope. A terrific pressure threatened to push my eyes out the back of my head as Luna’s teleportation spell shoved me through a tiny keyhole of space. Even though it only lasted an instant, I felt as though I had developed diver’s bends.

When my head finally stopped spinning, I found myself within the carpeted halls of the Canterlot palace. In the distance, the sounds of magic bolts and surprised shouts floated through the halls as the changelings invaded everywhere at once. I double-checked my harness and cautiously made my way towards the wedding chapel.

“It’s times like these I wish I brought my cardboard box.” I muttered to myself, ducking behind a marble pillar. Despite my complaining, the changelings were easy enough to avoid. They already had more important targets such as the barracks and armory that needed their attention and any time they did come whirring down one of my halls, the angry hum of their wings gave them away.

At long last, I found the tall doors of the chapel. They frowned down at me like the last gates before a boss battle and I steeled myself for the inevitable confrontation beyond. Just as I was about to step through the point of no return, a cluster of obliging changelings beat me to it. From the twisting recesses of the castle behind me, there can a sound of scuffling, grunting and arguing, all blanketed by the constant hissing and chittering of dozens of black invaders. I quickly vanished behind a tapestry and watched with no little amusement as Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were escorted into the wedding area. Rainbow Dash, on her part, was being dragged behind them all, both wings glued to her body by a snotty green slime.

“You were saying?” A gurgling voice gloated.

As I stepped out of my hiding spot, I could see the entire scene. Cadance, her mane in knots and her eyes dark from fatigue stood beside her fiancé beneath the wedding arch. The princess and her knight were both were bound tight, she by crystalline goo and he by a hypnotic spell that blanketed his eyes. Twilight and the rest of the girls were corralled to one side of the room, beneath a gently pulsing cocoon which I could only assume was Celestia’s personal prison. In the middle of it all stood ol’ cheese legs herself. Queen Chrysalis surveyed the room with pride beaming from her face like a lighthouse. An hour earlier, she had been a mere spy and undercover agent and now she stood as the ruler of the changelings and as the conqueror of an entire nation.

“You do realize the reception’s been canceled, don’t you?” The queen allowed herself a satisfied smirk at the helpless ponies paraded in front of her. Without hesitation, she looked approvingly at her loyal guards and rewarded their catch. “Go! Feed!”

With that directive, the changelings swept out the room and into the hallway, slamming the doors behind them as they went. At once, however, their buzzing wings changed pitch as they pulled to a surprised stop mid-air. A single figure was standing in their way. A lone human wearing a string of colored bottles across his chest like Christmas lights and a confident smirk across his face.

“’Sup?”

The palace filled with the sounds of shattering glass and the hiss of sleeping gas as I flung my arsenal against the stone walls. The air grew thick with the irate screeches of the changelings as they tried to escape the climbing vapors, but they were already trapped between me and the doors. One after another, I hurled my payload into their midst until the last notes of their humming wings fell silent. With a slow, deliberate air, I marched over their oily black bodies and flung the doors open with a flourish.

“Now, the party don’t start ‘till I walk in!”

Before me, the stunned faces of my friends and foe gawked at me as I waltzed into the chapel singing Kesha, heavy tendrils of pink smoke still curling around my boots. My eyes were smiling with an icy pleasure and when I lowered the potion-resistant bandanna I had been breathing through, a permanent “U” was etched from ear-to-ear. Rainbow Dash recovered first.

“Mark!”

“Yo, Dashie! Nice to see you girls made it. The lovebirds, too, good, good. Sweet! Looks like the gang’s all here.”

“What is this?” Chrysalis demanded, her eyes flickering between me and the trail of limp bodies in my wake.

“And hello to you too, Chrissie! Might I just say congratulations on the hostile takeover?” I clasped my hands together. “Very smooth, and I must say, I love what you’ve done with the place. Check out that new sun light! Pun intended. Hang in there, Celestia! No pun intended.”

“You are the human from before!” The changeling queen growled. “What are you doing here?”

“Threatening you!” I beamed jovially.

“You? Threaten me?”

“Eyeup!”

“I have an army!”

“We have a hulk.” I glanced back at the girls sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. I mean, really, she just walked into that one.”

“Let me rephrase. What do you hope to accomplish by coming here?” Chrysalis didn’t share my humor. Instead, she bristled at me like a bombardier beetle, poised to incinerate me at any moment.

“Ah. Well, I just figured it would be polite to properly introduce myself.” I placed myself between the queen and the girls. “True, we technically met before, but let’s be honest, both of us were wearing masks at the time.” My voice dropped an octave. “I just thought you’d like to know who your real opponent was.” The giant glassy orbs of Chrysalis’s eyes opened in surprise.

“You saw through my disguise!? How did you know?”

“Oh, I know lots of ‘tings. Two-and-two is four. George Washington was the first president. Uh, Carson City is the capital of Nevada…”

“Do not disrespect me!” A wave of green magic seized my shirt collar and pulled me towards the queen’s snarling face.

“Oh, believe me, I don’t.” I assuaged. “In fact, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. Children’s show, indeed! If you ask me, my dear, you’ve shown enough meticulous planning and intricate scheming to earn yourself a place in Game of Thrones.”

“Mark! We were-”

“Not now, Twilight.” I shushed. “Can’t you see the grandmasters are talking?” The magic hold on my shirt lessened and I fell back onto my own feet.

Though I wore a confident smile in front of the queen and my hands were clasped casually behind me, I could feel my adrenaline rising. The moment I’d been anticipating for months was finally upon me and the rush was incomparable. I both wanted to savor it, and escape it at the same time. Pleasure and panic at once, and it burned beneath my skin like electricity.

Behind my back, I hooked my fingers into the shape of a heart and then pointed towards Cadance. Though it took a couple tries, a certain purple unicorn eventually got the message and crept softly over to where the bride and groom stood.

“Impersonating a princess, now that’s bold.” I complimented the queen. “But once you were in, the only threats to your plan were the magic shield and possibly the Elements of Harmony. Oh, but you took care of those, didn’t you? Took a page out of Discord’s book and split the fellowship. You know, if I’d spent more time getting to know you, I might be able to tell if you were being a jerk to all the girls or if you were just singling out Twilight, but I mean, she was the best target after all. It’s almost poetic, really, the story of a jealous sister trying to thwart a wedding, finally turning hostile towards the tender-hearted bride. It wasn’t a surprise to find nopony sympathized with Twilight. Nor would they miss her if she was… absent.

“I was a little surprised at the mines, though. Why imprison the two girls together? Unless, of course, you wanted Twi to find Cadance. Ooh… perhaps you wanted them to fight it out? Injure each other, even? That’s cold, your highness, even for a succubus.”

“But how? How could you know all this?” Chrysalis hissed, her lips curling away from her fangs.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I shrugged. “I cheated.”

“You…?”

“You played a masterful game, your highness. On a fair playing field, there was no defense against you, so I didn’t play fair. Your moves could only be countered by someone who knew your strategy beforehand, and I? I am that player.” My hands swept out on either side of me as I lowered my head in a graceful bow.

“Counter me? But what have you done? Even now, my subjects pour through your streets!”

“I’m merely here for the show.” I cooed. “Making sure everypony sticks to their script.”

“Script?” The green fishbowl eyes ran up and down my humble attire and then swept over my shoulder. They alighted at the podium where Cadance and Shining Armor were standing, freed from their physical and magical bonds.

“Your spell!” Twilight whispered anxiously. “Perform your spell.”

When she laughed, Chrysalis sounded at once relieved and elated, her former confidence bubbling back to life.

“What good would that do?” She mocked. “My changelings already roam free.”

In defiance, Shining Armor tried to muster his strength into his horn, but his aura was as wispy and fragile as an ember in a rain storm. The unicorn’s feeble light faltered and went out as he sank heavily to his knees.

“I don’t… have the strength to repel them.” The soldier's voice caught in his throat as he gazed up apologetically at his dusty and disheveled angel. In that moment, his entire world was standing in front of him and all he could do was watch helplessly as his strength failed him. His own weakness betraying the fathomless love he had for her. Cadance, in turn, knelt down beside her broken knight with tears flowing down her cheeks.

“My love will be your strength.” Her head fell on his neck and warm tears anointed his quivering shoulders. The two sat together, an apology and a forgiveness all in one. Two candles hiding from the rising waters in each other’s embrace. Chrysalis couldn’t get enough of it,

“What a lovely, but absolutely ridiculous sentiment!” She cackled.

“Perhaps.” I nodded. “But that doesn’t make it any less precious. Beyond space, beyond time, even beyond death, true love is one of those sacred bonds that can never be severed. Two hearts becoming one. That… is why I'm here.”

“Love!” The changeling queen mocked. “No more than a fallacy! A useless waste of energy spent in the foolish hope that it will be requited. The magic flowing through me is proof that there’s no special bond like your ‘true love’. Power is power no matter what the flavor!”

“You wouldn’t say that if you had friends like mine!” My eyes flashed like lightning. “You might be a heartless soul-sucking piece of Swiss cheese, but I’m a hopeless romantic. And I believe your life is nothing more than a waste of breath, a jokeless comedy, if you don’t have anyone to share it with. These ponies behind me gave me a story worth living and I’m standing here today to repay the favor.” I narrowed my eyes. “If you had even the rotten remains of a heart in your chest, you'd understand that. Or perhaps you do, and you’re actually jealous of what Shining and Cadance have.”

“Jealous!?” Chrysalis’s nostrils flared in anger. “I don’t need anyone else to make me complete! I’m stronger than that nonsense!” I chuckled to myself and strode forward.

“Well, well… Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh?” The changeling queen stepped forward as well. “See, what I can’t understand is why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus. Snatching up princesses and everything. My attitude is, don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing’!”

By then my face and Chrysalis’s were so close we were sharing the same air. Her jaws flexed threateningly and a verdant light flickered along her horn, but my own posture was strangely composed.

“You need to ease up outta my face ‘fore something bad happens to you.” A ringing musical note, like glass wind chimes, climbed through the air. I sneered, “Too late.”

Behind me, a shimmering white light was rising in strength, mounting like a tempest and choking the air with magic. I watched the confidence melt from Chrysalis’s face as she witnessed the drained and broken captain of the guard swell with a seemingly limitless reserve of power.

‘Harmonic Resonance’ was the technical term according to Twilight Sparkle, the theory that two magicians can amplify and return their partner’s magic stronger than before, not unlike placing a microphone next to a speaker. The theory was sound, but it was such a delicate balancing act that most of the magic community considered it impractical or even downright impossible. Yet on that day, in that tower, beneath a blackened sky, I watched the impossible happen.

“No!” Chrysalis’s obsidian horn tried to level at the two glowing ponies, but my body instinctively dove to counter her. My right hand seized her beneath her jaw, keeping the dangerous bony protrusion aloft while the left whipped out a Molotov cocktail. With a flick of my thumb, the cap of the potion ignited with a tiny orange flame.

“Don’t even think about it.” My voice smoldered as threateningly as the bomb clutched within my fingers. Chrysalis’s wide eyes swiveled from my face, to the potion, to the ponies and back to me. In that moment, Shining and Cadance’s spell reached a new level of resonance and there was a breath of utter silence before the full force of their magic was released. In that instant, the changeling whispered,

“Monster…”

Then it was all over. The torrent of white light rushed through the palace like a whirlwind, tearing at my skin and catching the black queen up in its fury. The powerful wave marched through the city like a tsunami, washing the streets and skies clear of the black army. Their bodies were cast in all directions and their silhouettes were seen being flung as far as the horizon. Nothing was left but the sound of their cries, until those too faced into oblivion.

A muffled voice finally broke the stillness of the spell’s aftermath, but I didn’t hear what it said. A jumble of sounds all began talking excitedly, but it was static to my ears. It was as if a foggy wall had fallen behind me, cutting my senses off from the rest of the chapel. The only thing that was clear to me was the balcony where Chrysalis had been standing and the horizon where I had last seen her fall. My gaze fell upon my right hand, still held like a claw, still warm from where it had gripped Chrysalis, still pulsing with the touch of her heartbeat.

“Come with me.” A white linen blanket wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me out of my daze. Only after blinking a few times did I realize it was Celestia’s wing, and she was guiding me back into the palace.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight objected.

“Don’t worry about us. We’re fine.” The princess’s voice was as soft as her feathers. “You have a real wedding to put together.” And with that commission, Celestia escorted me from the wide eyes and gaping mouths of my friends.

“Princess-” I tried to speak, but my voice trembled like a leaf.

“That’s enough.” She whispered. “It’s over now.”

And it really was. Without the flow of adrenaline propping me up, I realized just how exhausted I was. My limbs felt like rubber and my muscles like water. To add to it all, something was weighing down my chest, a heaviness that would have crushed me if not for the uplifting ward of the princess’s wing. Something had tainted my mouth, rendering victory bitter. I couldn’t even bring myself to make the obligatory ‘Team Rocket’s blasting off again’ allusion.

“Ok…”

I didn’t see where our path took us or how long it took to get there. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep until I woke up later that evening.

I was lying in a crater of sheets upon the guest bed, still fully dressed, minus my harness. With a shaky groan, I pulled myself to my feet and wandered out into the palace corridors. The weary sun had just set, igniting the sky in ribbons of orange and purple like celestial theater curtains. Below me, in the royal gardens, faint strains of music and the sounds of a vigorous wedding reception floated into the air. I, however, remained above the noise, eventually finding a cozy little balcony to spy from.

Pinkie Pie and DJ Pon3 had pulled out all the stops, taking advantage of the evening scene to introduce lights and lasers to their music tracks. Food packed every flat surface and drinks flowed like rivers. In the middle of it all, Captain Shining Armor and his new bride Princess Cadance shared their first dance as husband and wife. It was everything I had fought for, but it was a world away from where I stood.

“You made it. Enjoy your rest?” A midnight-blue shape alighted on my perch. Princess Luna beamed at me as she tucked her wings against her side.

“Oh yeah, but now my mental clock’s all out of wack.” I shook my head. “I guess there are worse fates. How are you holding up?”

“Remarkably well, considering what we have just been through.” The princess looked longingly down at the smiling, laughing ponies below. “It is impressive, though, how quickly they seem to recover.”

“I thought the same thing after the Discord scenario. Resiliency doesn’t come as naturally to me.”

“Is this why you are still up here and not celebrating with them?”

“I don’t feel like partying.” I admitted.

“But you had such a hand in bringing it about.” Luna pressed.

“Then let them enjoy it. My wedding gift to the happy couple.” I glanced over at my companion. “What about you? Still shy around crowds?”

“A princess is not shy!” The alicorn tsundere-ed. “We just excused ourselves to raise the moon for a moment.”

“Of course.” A smirk played at the corners of my mouth.

“Is something troubling you? You should be proud at the victory you’ve fostered. I have spoken with my sister about all that has transpired. Of course, she would like to speak with you in person, but there can be no argument that this land owes you a great debt.”

“Yeah, I mean no, I mean…” My nose buried itself in my elbow. “I’m happy to help. Really, it’s nothing more than what my friends would do for me. It’s just… I thought victory would feel different.”

“Is this remorse I detect?” My friend stepped closer.

“I don’t know what this is.” I admitted. “Chrysalis was a spy, a liar, a manipulator, a kidnapper, a slaver, a thief and a conqueror, and in the end, I’m the one that got called a monster…” I looked back down at my right hand. “… And I’m not even sure she was wrong.”

“The queen had declared war. You only responded in kind.”

“Did I?” I whispered. “And if I did, how does that make me any better than her?”

Somewhere beyond the castle walls was an entire army of hungry, scattered, and possibly injured creatures and they were there because of me. Perhaps they had learned a lesson, perhaps they merely returned home, perhaps one day they would seek peace with Equestria,

And perhaps I had just committed genocide.

A polished silver horseshoe alighted comfortingly on my shoulder and tenderly lifted my chin.

“I don’t know what will become of the changelings, but I know that a lot of ponies are smiling right now because of your brave actions.” Luna studied my face with a tender expression in her eyes. “This is the first time you’ve seen war, isn’t it?”

“In person…” I nodded.

“I see…” The alicorn smiled at the rising stars and asked, “Would you think it odd if I told you that we admire one who can find sympathy in their hearts, even for an enemy?”

“I…”

“Would you believe it if I told you that once upon a time, Celestia herself had trouble finding such compassion? A time when she believed that if a problem could not be solved with magic, then one simply was not using enough magic?” Luna looked up at me kindly. “Would you believe it if I told you that there was a time when we were young and foolish and that only through deep wounds has she come to be the benevolent princess she is today?

“Not many history books remember the war in the north. Even fewer remember the name of that outpost. But we remember. It was called the Crystal Bastion and it was the heart of our enemy’s contemptible war machine. She led the assault herself, fearless and feared, not caring what it was, but only how to stop it.”

“And what did she find?”

“Foals.” Luna whispered. “Fillies. Farmers and bakers. Our enemy was using his own citizens to make weapons and by doing so, had painted a target on them. On that day, we believe Celestia asked herself many of the same questions you now face. And if I may say so, she emerged wiser and kinder for the experience. Even today, she sacrificed herself so that the wedding guests could escape rather than destroy the palace to defeat a single changeling.

“As for being a ‘monster’, that is for you to decide. If we may voice our input, however, I consider you a true hero after what you’ve done for us.” My mouth moved, but no words came out. “If you do not wish to speak further on the matter, you have certainly earned a respite. I could convince my sister to belay her interview until you feel-”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll talk to her tonight.” I explained. “I’ve put this off long enough.” I cast a fond glance at the party still churning beneath us and added, “But that’s no reason for you to remain stuck up here. You should go and enjoy the wedding.”

“But what shall we say?” Luna blinked. “Once again, we have appeared absent during this whole fiasco!”

“Oh, just be yourself.” My shoulders bounced. “A little casual, a little epic, a little sugary, a little spicy.” Luna pondered this for a moment before nodding to herself.

“We may have something suitable.” She spread her great wings and alighted from the balcony. I watched her glide up behind the girls and her sister, a small smile on her face. With only a tasteful hint of sarcasm, she greeted them.

“Hello, everypony. Did I miss anything?”

Later that night, after the music had died and the rest of the partygoers were trundling towards the welcoming embrace of their pillows, I found myself sitting in Celestia’s study with a large cup of tea in my hands and a royal dyarchy for an audience. Across from me, the two sisters sat quietly, patiently waiting for me to gather my thoughts and explain exactly what I knew and how it would change my standing in their world. It didn’t take long. After all, I had been waiting for that moment since I first touched Equestrian soil.

“Earth is a land filled with stories.” I began. “Some real and some fictional, but all important in one way or another. I wasn’t lying when I told you that Earth is unaware of Equestria’s existence, but that was only in the literal sense of the word. There is one particular story that I think you’ll be very interested in. It’s called ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’.”

Author's Note

Another season down.

Ch 17: Little Changes

Chapter 17
Little Changes

It was deathly quiet. I marched along the empty path with no idea where I was or where I was going. Silver snow, like glass dust, filled my vision and bleached everything save for the iron grey stones and the stoic pine trees. By them, I knew I was walking along the shoulder of a mountain or within the jaws of a vast canyon. To my left, a frosty wall of granite, and to my right, a whirling abyss of clouds. Winter’s sharp lips kissed every inch of exposed skin, not a sign of Equestria’s tame weather, but the feral mistress of Earth. My footfalls landed silently in the powder. It was deathly quiet.

I belonged there. The isolation, the stillness, and the silence were a welcome reprieve to my tumultuous mind. I had yet to fully fathom the full weight of my actions against the changelings and I was conflicted every time I tried. Instead of spending my days and months prior to the wedding trying to pacify them, negotiate with them, or even understand them, I had strove and struggled and fought to forcibly and violently subdue them. Conquer them. I thought I had done it all out of necessity, all for the safety of my family, but after facing Chrysalis, seeing the fear in her eyes, feeling her heartbeat, I had been reminded that I wasn’t fighting soulless minions. I had passed judgment on an entire race of living, breathing beings without really knowing anything about them or their motives. I selfishly traded Chrysalis’s family for my own. I wavered between justice and villainy. I walked a path between a stone wall and an abyss.

What was I? Was I a conqueror like the queen? Was I a guardian like Celestia? Was I a soldier, like Shining Armor? Was I a peacekeeper, like Twilight Sparkle? To these questions, I had no answer. But even as those thoughts were still forming in my mind, I saw it.

A small shape lay curled in the path in front of me. Even through the icy whisper of the wind and the howling of the abyss I could feel the subtle whisper of life within it. A tiny grey wolf pup, barely furry enough to protect itself from the biting cold, was tucked away half-buried in the snow.

Without thinking, I knelt down and ran a tender hand over the pup’s warm flank. There was no response, and I didn’t have to look twice at the barren landscape around me to know that leaving it where it was would be a death sentence. Yet somehow, the thought of abandoning the creature to its fate never crossed my mind. To me, the pup was a picture of innocence and I wanted nothing more than to protect it. It didn’t matter if was a wild animal, didn’t matter if it was a predator, and didn’t even matter if one day it might grow up to be-

A deep rumble cut through the air.

I lifted my eyes to see a brawny alpha male wolf stalking its way down the rock wall to my left. Its dark eyes flickered like amber jewels and its muzzle was wrinkled in a snarl, but the beast hadn’t come for me. Step-by-step, its steely claws crept closer to the helpless pup. The creature at my feet whimpered feebly at the approach of its fate. Either by the kiss of Winter or the jaws of its elder, the infant was facing its last moments of life.

“No.” I moved only enough to tear a low branch from a nearby pine tree. “This one is under my protection.” The piece of wood felt like splintered bone and the scaly bark bit into my palms, but I held it before me like a knight saluting his challenger.

The alpha finally brought his gaze up to meet mine, spitting his growls through naked fangs. For a while he only circled, measuring me as I stood defensively above the young wolf. At last, though, the battle lines were drawn and the silence of the scene was broken by the chaos of battle.

I don’t remember how many times I struck or how I evaded the alpha’s jaws, but I remember the rush, the torrent of heat and noise that flowed from me as I broke my makeshift weapon upon my opponent’s hide and then continued striking him with the pieces. As quickly as it had begun, the battle was over and the fully grown wolf was sent scampering back down the path, crying in fright and pain. I ran after it for one or two steps, just to make sure my point was driven home. And then, everything changed.

Still howling, the alpha came to a sudden bend in the road. Its claws skid on the icy stones and with one final yelp, it vanished over the cliff's edge into the white void.

“No…” I breathed. “No, please no.” My feet crept as close as they dared to the edge of the path, but I already knew I wouldn’t find the alpha. Everything was silent once more and I was alone save for the pup that I had rescued.

“No, no no!” Instinctively, I held the infant wolf close to my chest. “That’s not what I wanted! That wasn’t supposed to happen!” Instantly, all the questions came back to me like a flock of shrieking bats. Did I do the right thing? Was I a killer or a savior? Was there a distinction between the two if one must die for another to live?

All around me, the world began to crumble like chalk in water and the snowflakes that flecked the air hesitated in flight like countless crystal stars. Even the pup began to fade and it was then that I knew that I was dreaming.

That didn’t make it any better.

“Luna!” I shouted into the abyss. “Luna! If you’re here, answer me! Did you do this!? Did you make this dream? Is this what you wanted me to see!?”

Immediately, the scene ceased to deteriorate and I could feel another mind brush up against my own. The veils of snow that hung in the air split like curtains and the dark blue shape of the Princess of the Night entered the world. I looked at her with illusionary tears boiling in my eyes, the weightless shape of the wolf pup still held to my chest.

“Why…?”

“Be calm, Mark.” The princess soothed. “Know that this dream was not our doing.”

“It’s not? But how is that possible? It’s so…”

“Appropriate? I agree wholeheartedly." The princess studied my face a moment before continuing. "It was only natural to assume thy sleep would be troubled after everything that has transpired. Thus, we thought to watch over you tonight, but again, I had no part in this vision you have conjured.” Her eyes fell to the furry object in my arms, the last piece of the mirage that my mind had tried to hold intact while the rest of the dream faded.

“I didn’t mean for it to go so far.” I explained. “I didn’t mean to hurt the other one. I just…” A vision of my hands mercilessly striking the adult wolf swelled up before me. My throat swallowed the imaginary knot in it. “Why would I do this to myself? Why would I dream this? Why would I want to feel guilty all over again?”

“You misunderstand, Mark.” The alicorn smiled softly. “This vision is not a punishment, but a lesson.”

“How?”

“Yours is not the first dream we have witnessed where the heart answers a question the mind is vexed by. And if I may venture a guess, it would seem that you asked yourself why you fought Chrysalis as you did. Are we wrong?”

“No… I suppose that’s right.” I conceded, trying to becalm my breathing rhythm. “But what does it mean?”

“Some visions, only the dreamer can understand.” Luna began wandering past me as if to give me space to think. “So tell me, what did you see?”

“I saw a wolf.” My fingers caressed the small shape I held. “It didn’t matter what it was, it needed my help. I saw it as innocent. Precious, even.”

“And?”

“And another wolf. It was determined to kill the first one.”

“So you?”

“Fought it off.” But it was the next part of the story where the lines of morality got tangled.

“Did you kill it?”

“No. Well, yes. Not at first, but it still died because of me.” I swallowed hard. “And that’s all.”

“On the contrary, the dream continued.” Luna glanced back at me, the frozen snowflakes causing her eyes to glint with a hidden light. “Tell me, how did you feel after those events transpired?”

“Terrible.” It was true, I took no pleasure in the animal’s death. In fact, I felt it was a waste of a beautiful creature. A loss that I honestly would have prevented if I could. “I didn’t want it to die. I just wanted it to stop.” I drew in a breath of illusionary air as I realized what the dream was trying to tell me. I may have fought, but I took no pleasure in pain. “Then, that means-” The princess nodded knowingly.

“Face this day in peace, Mark.” Luna encouraged me. “Walk confidently and know that you are no monster. You do not fight for pleasure, but instead you stand against those who do. We all make mistakes, but calm your fears and know, deep down, yours is still a good heart.”

“Thank you, princess. For that.”

A distant memory bubbled to the surface of my mind, a scene of an old doctor and a scrawny young man standing face-to-face in a cramped examination room. The worn doctor looking desperately for a hero and the nervous young man looking desperately for a chance to be one. The eager Doctor Erskine asked Steve Rogers,

“Do you want to kill Nazis?”

“Is this a test?” Young Rogers asked cautiously.

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to kill anyone.” Steve admitted simply. “I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from.” A subtle shadow, a wave of relief, flitted across the doctor’s face. He had found his champion in a world of brutes.

“That’s a lovely quote.” Luna admired, glancing upwards. “I can tell it means a lot to you.”

“You what? Oh! Right. Forgot this was a dream. Sorry, didn’t think you could hear that.” I rocked from foot to foot awkwardly. With the initial emotional rush dying down, I found myself embarrassed and even a little uncomfortable by the fact that one of my friends was literally standing in my mind.

“What time is it, by the way?” I asked casually, even if only to change the subject.

“’Tis nigh ten in the morning, if we are not mistaken.”

“So I slept in. Well, if it meant I didn’t have to go about the day with a moral raincloud hanging over me, I’d say it was time well spent. Thank you again for that.”

“It was a beautiful dream. If only we could take credit for it.” Luna grinned. At that moment, a sudden shock jolted the fragile landscape. A large swath of stone wall fell like a silk curtain into oblivion. The princess glanced at the new void warily and added, “Though, it appears our time is coming to an end. You have quite a day ahead of you without having to worry about your exchange with Chrysalis.”

“What a way to start a morning, huh?”

“Indeed.” Another tremor uprooted a nearby pine tree which fell into the sky. “I’ll let you awaken now. Best not to keep her waiting.”

“Keep who waiting?” I asked, but my words turned to dust. The snowy scene finally unraveled, taking with it my voice and even my sight. The only thing remaining was the sensation of the young wolf held tightly in my arms. My dry eyes flickered open and I found myself staring into a pair of giant lavender irises. Twilight Sparkle was leaning over the edge of my mattress mere inches from my nose.

“Mark!”

“Gah!”

“I’ve been trying to wake you!” Twilight snapped.

“That was you?” I tried to squirm out from under her accusing gaze. “I thought the Ringling Brothers had come to town!”

“Sorry, hon, we told her to let you sleep in.” An apologetic Applejack appeared behind the purple pony along with the rest of the girls and Spike.

“I did!” Twilight Sparkle kept her face pressed into mine until she had practically crawled onto the bed.

“Yeah, for two-point-five minutes.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

“This can’t wait any longer!” A wrinkled piece of paper slapped me in the face. I untangled one of my arms from the bundle of sheets I had clamped to my chest to examine it. After a few seconds of blinking in the morning light, I realized it was my own letter I had left in the abandoned mines. Twilight now had three hooves on the bed. “You, mister, have some explaining to do!”

“So it would seem…” I continued looking at the paper as if it was a subpoena.

“You knew!” Twilight Sparkle accused. “You knew everything, but you shouldn’t have! You couldn’t have! But you did! But you can’t! How is this possible?”

“Twilight, there’s no need to holler when the boy’s two feet from you.” Applejack soothed.

“And I’m not going anywhere, so you can stop stalking me.” I was running out of mattress to retreat on. “I already planned on telling you everything anyways.” My eyes drifted over the small herd of ponies crowding into my room. “But can I at least get dressed first?”

“No!” Twilight barked.

When explaining to your best friends that you used to think their lives were a mere tale of fantasy until fate unceremoniously dropped you right in the middle of it, careful wording is important. In a perfect world, the process should have taken me about five minutes, long enough to ease the ponies into the overarching concept, and short enough that I didn’t lose anypony’s attention. (*cough* Rainbow *cough*) My strategy was to introduce the girls to the idea of what it was like to step into a story world and gradually wind down to how that knowledge affected day-to-day living. Twilight Sparkle, however, was my reminder that we did not live in a perfect world. Twitter Twilight wouldn’t let me pass more than 140 characters before cutting me off or interrupting me and her constant demands for details meant that the whole process took a little more time than I had estimated.

By ‘a little longet’, of course, I mean that our party had eaten, our luggage was packed, and we were on a train bound for Ponyville and we were still muddling through it.

“So you knew the changelings were going to invade and you didn’t stop them?” Twilight Sparkle asked incredulously.

“Technically, I did stop them, but remember-”

“And you came up with the idea to use Shining Armor’s spell against them?”

“No, I can’t take credit for that because I saw it happen already when-”

“But what if your plan went wrong?”

“Well, remember, I got Luna to-”

“But did going back in time create the story you knew or did the story you know come from the you that interfered with the story to begin with!?” The unicorn’s voice gradually grew higher until the word ‘with’ was a deafening squeak.

“If you’re talking about the episode where you went to the past and didn’t change anything, that’s-”

“That was an episode too? You knew what I was trying to say before I told myself what I was trying to teach myself?”

“But it all turned out, and I brought you doughnuts to-”

“So THAT’S why you got the big box!?”

“And then I asked you about time-traveling friends, and how-”

“You were talking about yourself the whole time!?” By then, Twilight was bouncing in her seat like a hot kettle with no vent. I sat back and swept my eyes over the rest of the train car. Applejack and Rarity were watching Twilight and I like spectators watching a particularly intense tennis match. Fluttershy was behind them, attentive, but wishing that our discussion involved more talking and less yelling. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were off on their own, having gotten bored with Twilight’s interrogation long ago.

“Then it shouldn’t change anyth-”

“It changes everything!” Twilight insisted. “We can't just do whatever we want anymore, we have responsibilities to consider! Now we have a future to protect and every time you interfere, you create a new story that you might not know the ending to!”

“You think I haven’t thought that before? You don't have to worry about that, I-”

“Honestly, it’s a miracle the wedding was the same. You’ve been here for so long, it’s a wonder you even recognize the episodes anymore!”

“I’m not interfering! I’m just keeping you safe when-”

“Oh, sweet Celestia! That’s why you insisted I study long-range teleportation algorithms Spike was chasing the dragon migration!”

“See? You girls were the real heroes, I just-”

“And when Flim and Flam came to town, it was your idea to help the Apples!”

“No, technically, it was your idea at-”

“And the Mysterious Mare Do Well, and Philomena, and the hydra, and Pinkie’s birthday, and Discord and-” Finally, Twilight even cut herself off. “…And Nightmare Moon?”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to open that can of worms any more than I had to. I simply took a deep breath, (partly hoping that Twilight would emulate it) and resettled myself in my seat. It wasn’t hard to see what she was thinking. For as long as Twilight had been a hero, I’d been watching her back.

“All right, let’s just everypony settle down and put our heads back on.” Applejack finally got a word in edgewise. “Twilight, you can't stress about things that haven't happened yet, that's just silly! You'd know, too. Look, ya gotta remember that this here’s still your friend and he’s not any more happy about this arrangement as you are. In fact, I’d bet you dollars to doughnuts that Mark’s even more uncomfortable about it, am I right?”

“Why do you think I put it off so long?”

“There, see?” Applejack waved a hoof at me. “And he's already done all the worryin' for us, so you can relax." The orange mare winked at me from beneath her hat. "Though, I gotta say, knowin’ a gal’s story beforehand sure explains how y’all were able to find me way out in Dodge Junction.”

“I may have dropped a hint or two…” I winked back at the orange pony, but quickly added, “But like I said, I haven’t changed anything! Don't get all worked up about 'stories' or 'roles' or 'destiny' or any of that stuff. Your lives are still your own, I promise.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you could alter anything! Everything!” Twilight fretted. “Our adventures, our choices, our very destinies are in your hands and it could all spin out of control at any moment like Professor Silkwing’s ‘Butterfly Effect’ theorem and the tiniest change could alter something down the line and another and another until you’re overwhelmed and lost and nopony knows what to do and-” Applejack stuck a firm hoof in the purple unicorn’s mouth. Casually, the earth pony glanced at her previously-silent companion.

“What do you make of all this, Rarity?”

“Well, as Twilight said, when considering what Mark could have done in his position, he seems to have portrayed quite the gentleman.” The white unicorn inclined her head. “As far as I can see, he’s only used his… premonitions… with the best possible intentions. If he’s changed anything at all, it seems it was only so that he could meet us and settle himself in Ponyville. To have such an admirer, ah, it’s actually quite flattering!”

“P-too!” Twilight spat out AJ’s hoof. “But is he an admirer? Just a harmless fan? Or does it just look that way because he already knew us?”

“Ouch…” I winced. So did the rest of the train car.

“Twilight!” Rarity scolded. “I would think you of all ponies would recognize an authentic friendship when you find one.”

“Rarity’s right.” Applejack nodded. “Just listen to yourself, Twi. You’re getting’ so worked up about your ‘butterfly effects’ that you’re forgettin’ everything you know about Mark. He’s a far cry from a unscrupulous wheeler-dealer.”

“But we can’t know that anymore!”

“Sure we can! Watch.” Applejack leveled her emerald eyes at me. “Mark? Are you gonna take over the world with your know-how about the future?”

“Uh, no.” I almost laughed.

“There, see?”

“Just like that?” Twilight gawked.

“Trust don’t come cheap.” AJ explained. “An’ I trust this boy more than most.”

“But the butterflies...” The purple unicorn pleaded. “The chaos theory is bound to spiral out of control. It’s inevitable! Any moment now, everything could collapse!”

“But… What about butterflies?” A small voice rose from the yellow pegasus behind Applejack. Fluttershy looked from me to Twilight and back.

“It’s how little changes can make a big difference further down the timeline.” Twilight Sparkle whimpered. “Like what if a butterfly bruised a sapling, so the tree grew crooked? Since the tree grew crooked, a storm knocked it over. Since the storm knocked it over, it fell into a river. Since it fell into the river, the river changed course. Since the river changed course, a valley dried up. Since the valley dried up, a forest died. Since the forest died, a kingdom was famished. And all because a butterfly bruised a sapling.

“Just like now. Because Mark’s here, we’re talking about him. If we’re talking about him, then we’re not talking about other things. If we’re not talking about other things, then we might not talk about magic. If we don’t talk about magic, I might forget to add something important to my homework. If I forget to add something important to my homework, then I might not learn an important spell. If I don’t learn an important spell, then we might be unprepared when the next threat comes to Equestria! If we’re not prepared when the next threat comes to Equestria, then we might not be able to stop it! If we aren’t able to stop it, then the world could be doomed! And if the world’s doomed, then we’re all doomed!” Twilight Sparkle waved her forelegs in the air like a tree in a tempest. Seven pairs of wide eyes watched her in a silent mixture of awe and concern. Applejack’s hoof was frozen in mid-air, ready to cork up the unicorn’s mouth if she started going again.

“Boy…” I sighed. “That escalated quickly. I mean that really got outta hand fast.”

“But you see what I mean, don’t you?” Twilight’s lavender eyes searched Applejack’s face, then Rarity’s. Finally, they alighted on the yellow pegasus. “You understand, don’t you, Fluttershy?”

“Well, I mean, I guess I don’t really mind. About Mark, that is.” Fluttershy piped up. “He’s been so nice to us. I don’t think we should, well, treat him any different. He did just save the wedding, after all…”

“Don’t sell Shining and Cadance short, though.” I reminded. “They were the real heroes.”

“But you set it all up!” Twilight said. And the conversation had officially come full-circle.

“And for the record, I’ve got a whole ‘Hiroshima-slash-Nagasaki-moral-quandary’ going on about that one, so can we change the subject?” I appealed.

“I’m with Fluttershy on this one. I don’t really care, either.” Rainbow Dash called from the other side of the car. “I mean, sure, it’s kind of creepy and all, but it doesn’t change anything, right? Like when Twilight was messing with her time spell. That didn’t do anything.”

“This is fundamentally different!” The magic student bawled.

“But you know, I gotta ask,” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and hovered above her seat with glimmering eyes. “Do I ever make it to the Wonderbolts?”

“Heh!” I smiled warmly. “If you did, would you really want me to tell you?”

“Uh, yeah!” The blue pegasus looked expectantly.

“How about I tell you how the next Daring Do book ends?” I muttered slyly.

“You wouldn’t!” Rainbow gasped, her wings locking in place.

“See, Dr. Caballeron breaks into Daring’s house to steal the mystical golden-”

“No! Stop! Please! Lalalalala! La! La! Lalala! Winter wrap-up! Winter wrap-up!” RD dropped back onto her seat, both forehooves and both wings pressed desperately against her ears. “I get it! Please! No more!” Her shouting and humming continued for a good twenty seconds before she finally pried a wary eye open. When she saw my lips weren’t moving, Rainbow Dash cautiously uncovered her ears.

“Oh? Not a fan of spoilers?” I chuckled. “Trust me, Dash, some things are worth the wait.” (I didn’t have the heart to tell her that by the end of Season Four, I’d only seen her become a cadet.)

That only left Pinkie Pie. The bubblegum-colored earth pony was strangely quiet, staring determinedly out her seat’s window. I don’t know how I had expected her to react to my big secret, but it certainly wasn’t like that. Cautiously, I asked,

“Pinkie Pie? Everything ok?”

“Oh, everything’s just hunky-dory peachy-weachy, thanks for asking!” Pinkie waved an exaggerated hoof. “Nothing bothering me! Nope! Nuh-uh! Nada! Diddly!”

“Sorry, Miss Cellophane, but I can see right through you.” I rolled my eyes.

“I mean, come on! How could you do this to me?” She spun around, her blue eyes filled with tears. “How am I ever going to surprise you on your birthday if you already know all the surprises!?”

“… Wait, what?”

“At first, I was like, ‘oh, I’ll just change the surprise’, but then I thought, ‘no, because he’ll see that coming’, and then I went, ‘I’ll change the change’, but what if you’re like, ‘I expected you expecting that I expected’, and…”

“Oh, Pinkie…” I shook my head in amusement and relief. “You’re getting worked up over nothing. Remember, I only knew the story that didn’t have me in it. So if it has anything to do with ‘Mark’, it’s brand new.”

“Oh! Then never mind.” This assurance helped lighten Pinkie Pie’s mood considerably and by the time we screeched to a stop in Ponyville, she was back to her usual, bouncing, self. On the other hoof, reminding everypony that I was an unaccounted variable had the exact opposite effect on Twilight Sparkle. The purple unicorn marched behind me like a panther, waiting for me to do something, anything, that could change the fate of the world.

"Then I guess there's no getting around it." The magic student declared with more than a touch of gravity. "I'm going to help you."

"Help me what?" I asked hesitantly. Her offer, strangely enough, didn't sound reassuring.

"I'm going to help you keep everything on track. We'll make sure that everything that's supposed to happen in your TV show happens just as it's supposed to in Equestria!" A silent exchange of glances between ponies was fired off in the train car like a spaghetti western firefight. After a moment of being riddled with questioning looks, I asked,

"Um... what makes you think you can help?"

"Applejack's right. I know what it's like to worry about the future and I don't want you to go through the same thing I did."

"... It's a little late to be talking about..."

"So, I've decided to support you as your friend! Between the two of us, we'll make sure every episode from here on out has its happy ending." Twilight Sparkle flashed a wide grin up at me, but I couldn't find it in myself to return the gesture. Slowly, I tried to explain why I couldn't accept her offer.

"Hey, Twilight, I'm touched, ok? Really, I am, but this is one issue we can't share."

"Why not?" Her ears drooped slightly.

"One: I just told Rainbow Dash that I can't give out spoilers. Two: besides that, you just can't live every day trying to divine how every little action might impact the future."

"But we have to! It's because-"

"No, you don't have to." I held up a finger to stem the unicorn's protests. "You have a life. Enjoy it. Live it. Don't get all tied up in thinking you have some sort of 'destiny' you need to fulfill, because it will just drive you mad! You'll be frozen at the breakfast table, paralyzed because you don't know if you're supposed to have strawberry or grape jelly on your toast that morning." A round of snickers floated about the train car. "Trust me, you don't have to do anything."

The entire train car leaned forward as the train finally pulled to a stop in Ponyville Station. I could tell that Twilight's tongue was wriggling behind her teeth, her expression rive with objection, but as we all stood up to leave the car, all she finished with was,

"It's not just your story anymore."

“Need a hand with that?” I asked Spike as the little dragon collected our luggage from the car. As I reached to grab a particularly bulky bag, however, a purple light snatched it away.

“We’re fine, thank you.” Twilight’s voice was cold enough to deliver frost bite.

‘Right, because God forbid I accidentally knock the planet off its axis with a valise.’ The angry retort crawled to the tip of my tongue like a swimmer on a diving board, but I swallowed it back down. The exchange, however, wasn’t lost on Applejack and Rarity. The two ponies exchanged a subtle glance between each other and hovered a little closer to Twilight and I.

Ponyville was just as idyllic as I had left it. The smell of thatch-roofed cottages and fresh meadow flowers greeted us as our car opened and we stepped out onto the train platform. Before us stood a veritable battalion of ponies, all waiting for the passengers to unload and at first I mistook them as travelers bound for the now-freed city of Canterlot. A few seconds later, however, I realized that the waiting ponies were simply welcoming their friends and families home.

“Oh thank goodness, you’re safe!”

“We saw the shield fall! What happened up there?”

“It was just terrible! The sky turned black!”

“We saw the whole thing!”

“Did they hurt you? What did they want?”

“How did you escape?”

“Changelings, you say?”

“What was that white light?”

“They still held the wedding? After all that?”

“Well, you’re safe now.”

I paused for a moment, watching as family and friends were reunited after the terrifying events of the day before. There was still a lot of speculation flying around, a lot of facts that got garbled as they rushed down the mountain from Canterlot, but the one thing that mattered most was that everypony had come home safely. That was worth remembering.

“Father! Mother!” Rarity and Sweetie Belle ran forward to meet two unicorns waiting under the platform’s awning.

“Granny!” Apple Bloom and Applejack ran right into Granny Smith’s knobby forelegs and Big Mac’s bearlike hug.

“Oh, I know it sounds silly, but we were just so worried about you.” Mrs. Cake smiled bravely at Pinkie Pie, giving the pink pony a quick hug while juggling Pumpkin Cake with her free hoof. Mr. Cake was right beside her, smiling warmly as he wrestled his hat out of Pound Cake’s mouth.

“There’s nothing to worry about, Mrs. C!” Pinkie beamed like a headlight. “Sure, everything looked hopeless, our fates were sealed, our curtain called, but it turns out Mark’s a time-traveling world-jumper from the future with a birds-eye view of fate’s destiny and he’s got a soft spot for happily-ever-afters bigger a mile wide, so he got it all cleared up!”

“He what now?” Mrs. Cup Cake blinked.

“Now, Pinkie,” I cooed, “it wasn’t that bad.”

“You’re right. It was way worse. I mean, did you see the queen? So grumpy! Seriously, somepony get that girl a cupcake!”

“There was a queen?” A nearby eavesdropper’s ears perked up.

“When was this?”

“A changeling queen?”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

A number of curious heads turned towards our group with freshly-ignited attention. I was just about to explain the full extent of the invasion, even if only to ensure Ponyville that they no longer had anything to fear from Chrysalis, but a wave of lavender magic wrapped around my limbs and dragged me off the platform.

“I’m sure the mayor will explain everything in her official report. Now, please excuse us.” Twilight Sparkle said to nopony and everypony at once. Then, more quietly, she muttered to me, “Now you’ve done it.”

“What did I do?” I protested, still sliding along the ground as if I were strapped to a dolly.

“The last thing we want to do is start a panic.” The unicorn hissed. “I’m taking you home before you can do any more damage.” I wanted to argue, but seeing as I was cocooned in my friend’s telekinetic grip, I was hardly in any position to do so.

Applejack looked up as I was being carted off and muttered something to her family before trotting to catch up with Twilight and I.

“Hey, Mark!” She hailed. The magic hold on my body flickered at the purple unicorn glanced behind her.

“Yeah?” My voice was remarkably casual for the bondage I was in.

“How’s about you pay Zecora a visit while we, uh, meet up with the mayor?” Applejack asked. Twilight only frowned.

“The mayor?” The magic student clarified.

“’Course! She’s bound to be just as curious as anypony as to what happened yesterday. Figured we could cut through a lot of gossip if she just heard it straight from us.” The earth pony inclined het hat towards the burbling crowd around her.

“Zecora too. The poor dear is sure to be positively fretting by now!” Rarity piped up. “You’d best be on your way, Mark. And don’t you worry about your bags, we’ll take care of them for you. Just be sure you remember to take Harry along. As I recall, Fluttershy asked if you would take him on a walk when we got back.”

“She did?” I blinked.

“I did?” The pink-haired pegasus glanced at us from behind her dainty suitcase. She caught a knowing glance from Applejack and quickly nodded her head. “Oh, yes. I did, didn’t I? Thank you for helping out, Mark.”

“All right, partner. Day’s not getting any younger. Best get to it.” With a feeling of being pulled out of a pool of Velcro, Applejack extracted me from Twilight Sparkle’s spell and hustled me along the walkway. From the corner of her mouth, she whispered, “We’ll try an’ work on her while you’re away. You know Twilight. She just needs some time to think.”

“Thanks, Applejack.” I couldn’t prevent the relief from tainting my voice. Twilight had already given me two exhaustive examinations, one when I first arrived in Ponyville, and the other when I said I came from Earth. Somehow, I had been plucked from the jaws of a third (and far more imposing) one. “I owe you.”

“It’s the least we could do.” The country girl replied. Like an oversized tory car, AJ gave me one final push and sent me down the road towards Fluttershy’s cottage. I kept a brisk pace, letting the train station fall away behind me and with it, the sounds of Twilight wondering when Zecora had ever been known to ‘fret’.

Harry himself was happy to see me again. As I approached Fluttershy’s humble home, the oversized teddy greeted me with a sleepy smile and an enthusiastic nuzzle that nearly knocked me down. My days leading up to the Canterlot Wedding had been spent mostly cooped up in Twilight’s lab and my hiking companion made no secret that he was raring to go on an adventure. He even pulled a big metal bucket out of Fluttershy’s garden, his way of telling me that he was looking forward to fishing.

“Oh, you want to make a day of it, then?” I asked casually. “Sure, we can do that. I’m just killing time anyway. What are you in the mood for? Trout? Pike? Catfish?...”

“Arrraww.” Harry lifted his nose and wiggled his lips.

“Crawdads?” I tossed the bucket to myself a couple times. “Good choice.”

The Everfree forest was tamer than I had ever seen it before. Birds were whistling in the canopy, dragonflies danced in the still air, and rays of sunshine fell like ribbons from the crystal blue sky. I’d even go so far as to call it ‘cheerful’ if caution didn’t demand I maintain a critical eye on everything. Over one shoulder, I carried a net and the metal bucket while the other toted a pot and a survival kit I’d kept at Fluttershy’s place. My car-sized companion was waddling at a brisk pace, sticking his nose in old logs and rooting through various bushes for snacks and treats.

In retrospect, it was a good idea that Harry had suggested fishing, since the meeting with Zecora didn’t last very long. In fact, she wasn’t even home at all. A note pinned to the door explained that the zebra had left that morning to collect more obsidian oil (a key ingredient in her changeling-detection cream) and wouldn’t return for at least another day. I know how to unlock the house in the event of an emergency, but without Zecora, there was no need to. Her tree was as quiet and dark as any other in the forest.

Thus, Harry and I spent the afternoon wading through a rocky creek, turning over rocks and chasing the dark shapes that swam out from underneath. It was slow going, but the cool water and shady sun melted away stress better than any spa. Eventually, and despite my friend’s constant snacking, our bucket had a collection of about a dozen jumbo mini lobsters and I was debating whether to eat them there or save the meat for jambalayas. My mind debated between the two options as vehemently as a pair of lawyers in Law and Order while I strolled down the forest path behind Harry. The bucket of hapless crustaceans swung beside me as I whistled absently, unaware that my reprieve was rapidly drawing to an end and my culinary decisions were about to become the least of my worries.

“Rugh? E-raaugh!” Harry suddenly stopped, his ears rising like satellite dishes and his hackles flaring like a dorsal fin. Instantly, the crawdads slipped from my fingers and before they had even hit the ground, I had crouched into a ready stance and my bag had produced a Molotov cocktail. My wide eyes pierced the surrounding vegetation and my ears strained to any sign of movement. Yet, all was still, save for the bemoaning bear ahead of me. Even the birds continued singing, albeit from a distance, usually a sign that there were no timberwolves in the area.

“What is it buddy?” I dared to whisper.

“Aaraaah-unhh!” The bear’s saggy lips bellowed reports of ‘danger’ and ‘be wary’, but it was no specific call. Nothing that I had heard before. My only clue was the vigilant black nose astride Harry’s muzzle, dancing in the breeze.

“The bushes?” I glanced between my companion and a seemingly benign hedge of underbrush a couple yards away. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about the spot other than a couple scattered stones and a sunny breach in the tree canopy. The resulting shaft of light fell slantwise into the forest, as if highlighting the dais of the Master Sword.

“Grumph, gruunh! Graaanph!” Harry insisted, waddling two steps forward and one step back.

By all rights, we should have retreated right then and there. There were any number of poisonous plants or carnivorous fungi or ambush predators in the Everfree Forest, but against all Darwinian logic, the unidentified threat only stoked my curiosity until I was burning with it. Harry was in a tizzy, but he hadn’t taken off running, and whatever was hiding in the bushes hadn’t presented the slightest evidence of its existence. To the bear’s dismay, I began circling around the hedge, drawing a sleep grenade out of my bag as I did do.

As I cleared the tangled underbrush, my eyes fell upon the last thing I ever expected to see. It was small, barely longer than my boot, and lay on its side with all four legs limp. A pair of wings, glinting like morning dew, sprouted from tar-black shoulders and from its forehead sprouted a fledgling horn. I never thought I’d see another one, let alone an infant. I never expected to see a changeling again.

It was impossible to tell if my mind went blank or if the white noise within my skull was, in fact, the sound of a thousand thoughts rushing in at once. Either way, several long seconds passed before I finally remembered how to move my body. In spite of Harry’s objections, I found myself inching forward.

My eyes remained fixated on the dark shape, taking in every detail, watching for any sign of movement. The limbs remained paralyzed, but the belly stretched ever so slightly as the faintest sign of breath cycled through its tiny frame. The large eyes were shut tight, hiding the iconic hollow gaze of the changelings. The insect-like webs of its wings appeared torn and crumpled and a single gash ran from behind the creature’s left ear down its neck. The wound was still oozing a clear, sap-like liquid.

A glance at the surrounding forest floor and the branches above told the story of how the creature had arrived there. Violently. It was lying in a shallow crater, identical to a thousand others that now potholed Canterlot. The shaft of sunlight I had seen earlier was, in fact, the result of a trail of snapped and splintered branches, their void leaving a hole in the leafy canopy through which I could clearly see Canterlot sitting on its mountain. I turned my attention back towards the creature.

I knew what it was. I had seen what its kind was capable of. I had personally defeated a dozen of its brothers. I had stepped on their black hides. My eyes once again saw Chrysalis’s fiery magic. My ears heard her laugh. My heart felt her malice. And yet, it wasn’t enough that I had fended off an entire nation of her servants, life had given me one more of the little monsters to deal with. One more threat to Equestria. One more danger to face. I knelt down beside the creature, extended my hand over its neck,

And gently touched its shoulder.

“Hey there.” As my fingers brushed up against the black skin, the changeling tensed, but its eyes remained sealed. “It’s okay… It’s okay, you’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you.” My words emerged softly, as if I had stumbled upon a fragile mirage, and a harsh breath might dissipate it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The edges of my vision became blurry but I hastily blinked away the water accumulating in my eyes.

Call it redemption, call it salvation, or call it a second chance, but I never knew how much I needed it until I found it in that clearing that day. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that sparing one injured changeling could possibly atone for all the damage I had dealt to their swarm, but perhaps, just perhaps, it was a step in the right direction. The way my heart ached to see the little creature, broken and bleeding but alive, proved beyond a shadow of doubt that it was still working as it should. A sign that my humanity was still intact. I finally understood just how Kiritsugu felt when he found young Shirou.

“Come on. Let’s get you somewhere safe.”

“Urrawh!” Harry argued loudly as I yanked a thick blanket out of my emergency kit. I ignored him, instead searching the changeling for any further injuries. Much to my surprise, and relief, the only mark upon it was the cut behind its ear.

“Kh-…” The tiny body grunted as I carefully bundled it and picked it up. It was a pitiful sound, but it was another sign of life, and I cherished it.

“Urrgph! Uwaah.”

“Your objection has been noted.” I curtly told the bear. The changeling was now little more than a cozy little burrito in my arms, its face the only exposed part of its body. The blanket was snug, without being suffocating, and I had placed a temporary bandage over the cut to prevent unwanted friction from opening the injury back up. All the while, I kept a wary eye on the changeling’s tiny mouth and the needle-like fangs within.

“Grrrmmm-” Harry pouted.

“That’s quite enough, thank you.” I snapped. “We’re not just going to leave them here.”

“Awawww…”

“I don’t care about the crawdads! They’re yours if you want them, but if you haven’t noticed, I’ve got other things to worry about right now.” And it was true. The first of which was the fact that I couldn’t very well waltz into Ponyville clutching a young changeling in my arms. Not after everything that had just transpired and the wave of paranoia that was sure to accompany it. Well, technically I could, but it would be a fuss fit for the history books if I did. Hiding the creature was also nigh out of the question. I myself had become a certain purple unicorn’s focus for a lot of attention and scrutiny.

But it wasn’t a choice. It didn’t take a biologist (or an entomologist) to know that the creature I was holding was a mere juvenile and as far as I could tell, it had been lying helpless and motionless in the forest for about twenty-four hours. It needed shelter, first aid, and food. The third necessity was a point of confusion, since I didn’t exactly know how changelings ‘eat’ love, but I’d be (darned) if I wasn’t going to try and provide it.

My first thought was Zecora. There hadn’t yet been an ailment or conundrum I’d encountered that she wasn’t able to help me with. Unfortunately, her aid heavily depended on her actually being home. Without my mentor, there was only one place that might be able to help me. I told Harry,

“Let’s head back to Fluttershy’s.”

My step lacked its usual bobbing motion as I gingerly escorted my precious cargo back through the forest. The thoughts in my head swirled around like a thunderstorm, cloudy, confused, chaotic, and punctuated every once in a while with a burst of subdued joy. Mostly, though, the confusion could be summed up as a single phrase running on a non-stop loop,

“I’m going to be in so much trouble. I’m going to be in so much trouble. I’m really going to be in for it. I’m going to be in…”

My choice to trust in Fluttershy was primarily because I knew she’d sympathize with the ‘good Samaritan’ role, but also for her medical know-how and the fact that her cottage didn’t get many visitors. No, what worried me was the inevitable moment I’d have to explain myself to Twilight Sparkle. By any logical measure, the creature I was carrying should be isolated, quarantined, even imprisoned. At least until we knew more about it and what it was capable of. Very little was known about the changelings and for all I knew, my new friend could be another future queen. Ponyville hadn't so soon forgotten the last ‘cute’ bug that was brought into Ponyville from the Everfree forest and that fact that it (they) nearly ate the whole town. By that line of thought, however, I too should be locked away, but I wasn’t. I would just have to trust the ponies to give the changeling the same chance they gave me.

By the time Fluttershy’s cottage came into view, I still had no idea of how I was going to explain myself to Twilight and the princesses, let alone how I was going to make it through the rest of the day. I even tried telling myself that all my fears were just bridges that I’d cross in turn, but by that metaphor, my future looked about as bridge-y as Snoopy playing cards in Venice. Harry hung back as I lifted my hand to knock on the pegasus’s front door, still shaking his head in what I knew was disapproval.

“Hello? Oh, Mark! I… What’s wrong?” Fluttershy’s face went from cautious, to cheerful, and finally to concerned when she saw me standing on her doorstep. Judging by the way her eyes filled with apprehension, one would think that all my worry was dripping off my face in an expression akin to someone who had just committed a crime.

“Fluttershy, I need your help.” I explained, hastily. “Well, actually, someone else needs your help. Um…”

“What happened?” The gentle pony squeaked.

“I found something in the forest.”

“What did you find?” By then, Angel Bunny had crept up behind one of Fluttershy’s legs and was staring at me critically.

“I… Just promise me you won’t scream, all right?” My voice had a pleading note to it. “I know it might look scary at first, but…”

“Is it a baby dragon? Or a little phoenix? Or maybe a cragadile hatchling?” Fluttershy craned her neck to see into the knot of blankets I held.

“Heh, you’re not far off.” My chuckle was so dry, it carried dust on it. I pulled away the fabric, revealing the little changeling’s face. It still hadn’t opened its eyes, and it was breathing fitfully, but I could feel its strong heartbeat through my chest.

“Oh…” For such a small word, Fluttershy’s gasp spoke entire paragraphs. Instead of a surprised ‘oh’, or an accusatory ‘oh’, or even one of my oh-darn-spit-just-got-real ‘oh’s, the pegasus’s voice was filled with tenderness. A wave of relief showered me as she smiled at the tiny creature.

“I think it crashed into the forest.” I explained. “Probably been there since the wedding, but it’s not moving and it won’t wake up.”

“And it’s hurt, the poor thing.” Fluttershy gently examined my hastily-applied bandage. “Well, you should come in. Have you told anypony else?”

“Came straight here.” I lowered my head and ducked into the warm cottage. The usual band of critters scurried out from underfoot as we picked our way between the pieces of humble furniture to get to the bathroom. Once there, Fluttershy directed me to continue holding the changeling while she cleaned its cut and wiped the smudges of dirt off it black body.

“There, there.” The pony whispered encouragingly as she washed the dried scabs from the changeling’s neck. “You’re not all that scary, are you?”

“Well I’m glad you think so.” I said gratefully. “I can’t imagine the rest of Ponyville feels as forgiving as you at the moment.”

“Aw, but she’s so tiny. Oh dear, I can’t imagine! Staying out in the Everfree Forest for a whole night?”

“She?” To answer my question, the yellow pony merely gave a shy smile. I adjusted my grip on the changeling as I digested this new information. “Okay, so it’s a ‘she’ now. Perfect…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing. Just the fact that despite all better judgement, I just came up with three potential names for her.”

“Well, we don’t know. She might already have a name.” Fluttershy reminded. “And a family. And what if they’re looking for her. And they’re worried. And… Oh, sorry.” Her words faltered as she looked up into the cloudy expression that was my face.

“No, that’s alright.” I grunted. “It’s not anything I haven’t already been thinking. Still, it seems kind of weird. There isn’t a changeling city nearby or anything like that, is there?”

“They have cities?”

“Exactly! We don’t know. All we know is that a bunch of them tried to attend the wedding without invitations. A takeover. Now who in the hoof would take their little girl to a hostile takeover?” Fluttershy flinched a little beneath the edge in my voice. I apologized, “Sorry. I’m just thinking aloud. If she didn’t come from a nest or a nearby hive, then why is she here at all? For all we know about changelings, she might have been born during the Canterlot campaign itself! The first generation to feed on the city.”

“She might be only a couple days old.” My friend whispered in awe.

“We may never know.” I agreed. “But I’m getting distracted. All that matters for today is stabilizing her.”

“Well, she’s looking much better now.” Fluttershy stepped back and dropped a dirty rag into the sink. The changeling’s body glistened like oiled leather and its cut had been medicated and dressed with fresh gauze. “Has it eaten anything?”

“Another simple question with no easy answer.” I shook my head. “Perhaps we should just start with some water?”

“I have just the thing!” Under Fluttershy’s guidance, I returned to the living room and sat down on her sofa with the changeling curled up on my lap. The pegasus brought out a bowl of water and what looked like a turkey baster (obviously, not for basting turkeys) and showed me how to hand-deliver a drink to our sleeping guest. After a couple tries and a little patience, the tiny mouth began swallowing drop after drop of clean cool water with dreamy, instinctive motions.

“That seems to be working.” Fluttershy and I both sighed with relief. “What now?”

“I can’t say.” My friend admitted. “Until she wakes up, all we can do it keep her warm.”

“No complaints here.” I breathed, pulling the blanket back over my lap. An eternity could have passed and I would have been content to simply sit there, settling into the cushions and watching the little changeling’s shoulders rise and fall. Unfortunately, I couldn’t, and the sun was already beginning to hang low in the sky like a piece of ripe fruit. After a moment, I whispered,

“But what are we going to do about Twilight? She’s bound to be wondering where I am by now.”

“That’s right…” Fluttershy trotted over to me with a bowl of apples and a plate of cheese. “Are you sure we can’t just tell her what you found?”

“I wish we could. I really do.” I muttered, nibbling on a slice of cheddar. “But yesterday really shook her up, and introducing her to our new friend here would be like throwing oil on a fire. Remember how upset she was about the ‘butterfly effect’?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, out of all the boneheaded things I could have done to possibly change the course of the show, this has to be the most sapling-bendiest.”

“Oh, right, the story… You mean this changeling isn’t a part of the tee vee show?”

“Eyenope! After the wedding, I don’t think Chrysalis or her minions are ever mentioned again. At least, up through the end of season four. They aren’t even brought up when Pinkie Pie’s doing her…” (Mirror pool) “…Well, let’s just call it her idea of ‘multitasking’.”

“Then I guess she’s lucky you were there to find her.” Fluttershy mused.

“Hm?”

“I mean, otherwise, you know, she’d still be out in the forest…. And…” My friend visibly shivered. She came back to herself and assured me, “If you want to stay here for a couple days, I’m sure I could convince Twilight to let you. Um, that is, until our little friend is feeling better, at least.”

“But how?” I almost laughed, but stopped myself. “I mean, I think I’m grounded for a couple moons after what I just told everypony. How could you convince her to let me stay?”

“Oh, I’ll just let her know that she doesn’t actually want you in the library for today.” A grin so subtle that it was almost invisible pulled at the corners of Fluttershy’s mouth. “Just leave it to me.”

I was having a hard time envisioning Fluttershy convincing anypony of anything, especially a headstrong pony like Twilight Sparkle, but I was desperately low on options and if Applejack and Rarity hadn’t been able to calm the magic student down by now, then delaying my return to the library would only exasperate her frenzy. Reluctantly, I placed myself in the yellow pegasus’s hooves.

“Alright, if you think you can do it.”

“Oh, I know I can.” My friend winked. “I’ll just tell her you accidentally surprised a skunk in the forest and can’t come back to the library just yet.”

“Ew! Gross… Okay, I could see that working.” I grimaced. “After all, she knows first-hoof how unpleasant the wrong end of a skunk can be.”

“Shew!” A spotted skunk beside me chittered.

“No, no, I didn’t mean you, Mr. Handstand. We’re cool.” I placated.

“Alright, then. I’ll be right back.” Fluttershy trotted towards the door, leaving Angel Bunny behind to stare at me like a policeman just waiting for me to make a wrong move. “Is there anything you’d like me to get while I’m out?”

“Not that I can think of, but thanks anyway.” My gaze fell back upon the young changeling.

“Alright, see you soon.” The door closed behind the pony’s silky pink tail and I was left alone with the sleeping girl on my lap. Well, as alone as was possible in a house with three dozen other animals, all staring at the bundle in my lap as if it were a pipe bomb. I didn’t mind, so long as it meant a few more moments of peace for the changeling.

Even in a best-case scenario, even if Fluttershy and I fully revived the creature, there was still the matter of what to do with it afterwards. The ethical choice would have been to send it home, like what Spike did for Peewee, but since I didn’t know what a changeling’s idea of ‘home’ was or even if it existed after Shining Armor’s love nuke, there was every possibility that it would have to stay in Ponyville. Not surprisingly, I was ok with that idea. Being an alien myself, I had found Equestria to be a very welcoming place once ponies got comfortable around you. The changeling, however, had its own hurdles to face. Although I stuck out in crowds like a sore thumb, I had no choice. A shape-shifter, however, could look like anypony, and that inevitably brought up the issue of ‘should it?’.

Personally, I was a believer in the ‘be yourself’ mantra, and it had worked out pretty well for Zecora and I once the townsponies got to know us personally rather than by appearance. Why wouldn’t it work for a changeling? Unfortunately, there was the issue of, ‘this probably isn’t the best time to introduce the town to a creature they would inevitably focus their fear and condemnation towards’ and it might be best for all ponies if the changeling just hid her true identity for a while. Unfortunately, that was a slippery train of thought, and asking the newcomer to lie to everypony from the get-go would be tantamount to proving their inhibitions about changelings instead of encouraging them to overcome their bigotry. Where would it end?

“Hmph…” I shook my head, dispelling the thoughts. Here, I had barely known my new guest for a couple hours and already I was trying to figure out how she could join me in starting a new life in Ponyville. It was a crazy pipe dream and I knew that, in all reality, Celestia or Twilight would probably send the changeling back into the wild as soon as it was able to fend for itself, but until then…

It was a beautiful pipe dream.

“Mark!” A pale yellow bolt burst into her house via the back door. Fluttershy flew into the living room and skid to a halt on her rug. Her breathing was heavy and her mane was eschew.

“Fluttershy?” I leaned over to peer through the backyard’s door. “What gives?-”

“She didn’t believe me!” The pegasus squeaked, her legs trembling. “She doesn’t think you met a skunk! She’s on her way!”

“… What?” I could practically feel my pupils shrinking. As quick as I dared, I set aside the changeling bundle and leapt for the front door. Sure enough, a glowering unicorn was marching up the path to Fluttershy’s cottage with all the grace and poise of a Roman legion. A rock lodged itself in my throat and a clammy sweat broke out on my forehead.

“She says you’re just avoiding coming back to the library!” Fluttershy bawled. “But, I mean, I guess you are, but not in the way she thinks you are. Oh! I’m so sorry! It’s all my fault!”

Ignoring the stream of apologies coming from my friend, I spun around and took in the entire living room at a glance. There were a couple places where I could hide the changeling, perhaps behind the couch cushions or under the drapes, but there was nothing that could prevent Twilight Sparkle from dragging me off like a caveman’s hapless date. All around me, the beady eyes of a dozen critters watched me silently. Then I got one of my bad ideas.

“Mr. Handstand!” I crossed the room in a single step and untangled the changeling from its warm cocoon. “I need your help!”

“Chi?”

“C’mon, please. Do me a solid.” Like a matador, I flapped the blanket open and held it up like a painter’s canvass. “I need you to spray.”

“Mark?” Fluttershy gasped.

“Just a little. Just on the blanket. Hurry!” My head swiveled from the skunk to the front door and back so quickly, I could have sworn my cervical vertebrae were generating heat. A purple silhouette was drawing ominously close.

“Mrrrmrr…” The skunk looked noncommittal, glancing nervously at Fluttershy.

“Please, Mr. Handstand?” The pegasus joined me.

At that moment, there was a series of sharp knocks on the door as if Gandalf had just brought a bunch of dwarves to tea. A lot of things happened at once. Fluttershy skipped into the air, Mr. Handstand lifted his tail over his back like some great splotchy toupee and prepared to scamper off, and I brought the blanket down on him like a giant net. There was a surprised screech, a telltale hiss, and the blanket instantly began reeking with the sickeningly-sweet smell of fresh rodent musk.

‘Go! Answer the door!’ I mouthed to Fluttershy, as I grabbed the blanket, tossed a pillow over the changeling and dashed into the bathroom. I didn’t have to tell her twice. Twilight’s incessant hammering on the walls was reaching Kool-Aid man levels of force. It seemed as soon as the pegasus turned the handle, Twilight Sparkle burst into the cottage like a plum torpedo.

“Mark! Mark, I know you’re here! Stop hiding! You can’t just k-uk” One second, two seconds, as soon as the third second hit, Twilight’s throat gave a compulsory lurch and her stream of shouts was dammed. (No, I spelt that right.) I took that moment to casually stroll out of Fluttershy’s bathroom, sans shirt and with a dirty towel in my hand and a mop of wet hair on my head.

“Hi Twi.” I continued scrubbing the damp cloth over my face. “This is kind of embarrassing.”

“I-” The unicorn tried to speak again, but another whiff of skunk stopped her. Twilight wrinkled her nose, adding to her prune-y appearance. Finally, she managed, “I thought you were avoiding me. I didn’t think-”

“That I might actually be trying to spare you and your library a smelly fate?” I smiled suavely, but kept my distance. Any closer and my friend might realize that I wasn’t, in fact, the source of the stench. “I understand your suspicion, but no, this is just one of life’s good old-fashioned… curveballs.” I resisted the urge to glance down at Fluttershy’s couch and the misplaced pillow thereon.

“Well…” Twilight’s face was a battlefield of emotions. It was no secret that she wanted nothing better than to drag me back to her lab and slap a polygraph on me, but scent was one of the brain’s strongest recall senses, and she had more than her fill of bad memories attached to the aroma of Pepe Le Pew. Her first Winter Wrap-Up hadn’t been kind to her. That, and it seemed Applejack and Rarity had been softening her up after all. “I…”

“Don’t worry, Twilight. I’ll keep an eye on him for you.” Fluttershy chided. Twilight Sparkle pursed her lips defiantly, but couldn’t bear to stand beneath the skunk miasma any longer. She exhaled like a pressure cooker,

“Augh! Fine! But tomorrow-”

“Yeah, yeah. We can pick up where we left off. Got it!” I rolled my eyes. The purple pony backed her way out the door as slowly and stiffly as if her horseshoes were made of wet tar.

“Just get yourself cleaned up. I’ll... go research some anti-skunk spells. See you tomorrow.” With that, the door closed and Twilight was gone.

“Phhheeewww…” I let out a long breath.

“Grr rrrnk!” Mr. Handstand waddled out from beneath a chair, his hair as ruffled as his composure. His beetle-black eyes leered up at me and he folded his stubby forelegs.

“Sorry for jumping you, but seriously, you’re a champ. Thanks.” The skunk had more than earned the thumbs-up I gave him.

“I can’t believe that worked.” Fluttershy said in awe. “You did really well. Even I would have believed you. But, um… How did you take your shirt off so fast?”

“Years of practice.” I explained, pitching the smelly blanket out the cottage’s back door. As I tugged my shirt back on, Fluttershy proceeded to purge the stench from her cottage by flinging open every window she could find.

“Well, what now?”

“I guess there’s no avoiding it, it’s official. We’re Mike and Sully. All we’re missing is a mop, a couple of lights and some chair fabric. Maybe I can pass her off as my cousin’s sister’s daughter. She’ll be a BIG hit! I can already hear Twilight calling out the 23-19.” It took every ounce of my willpower to stop myself from naming the changeling ‘Boo’ right then and there. “I can’t believe this has turned into a hide-the-kid story. How cliché. I mean, really, after all the life experiences Twilight and I've shared, all the adventures we’ve had, it kills me to fool her like…” As I pulled away the pillow covering the changeling, my voice died away. The little creature stirred, its tiny mouth stretching into a silent yawn. At last, its large eyes fluttered open.

“Oh…” Fluttershy gasped.

“Well, hi there…” Lightly, and without any sudden movements, I knelt down next to the couch. Our guest stared out at the world with her turquoise-blue gaze, unblinking, silent, and expressionless. A stillness fell on the whole cottage as all of Fluttershy’s critter friends waited anxiously to see what would happen next, but I didn’t notice them. I cooed, “Look who’s finally awake.”

“… Unk…” A wavering note escaped her.

“It’s okay.” It was hard to keep the excitement from carbonating my voice. “It’s okay. I’m here to help.”

“Hits unkay…” The small black mouth worked around in an exaggerated gesture.

“Oh? What was that?” I encouraged.

“Uhnts ogay… Imm heer choo ‘elp…” Still strangely devoid of either confidence or fear, the changeling sounded out a warbled phrase.

“Oh! So you can talk?”

“Oah… Sso yew can talk…”

“Or are you just copying me?”

“Orare you jus copying mee?”

“That’s pretty good.”

“That’ss pretty good.” The changeling blinked while it awaited more lines to parrot. Even in such a short exchange, it had begun to sound out words with uncanny precision and was even making a jab at copying the timbre of my voice. Not an easy feat, considering that my chest cavity was larger than the creature itself, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

“That’s amazing!” Fluttershy trotted forward to join me, but the sudden motion caught the changeling off guard.

“Kh!” The obsidian tyke scrambled to it hooves and dove behind my arm like a shallow barricade.

“Eep! I’m sorry!” The yellow pegasus froze in place and held a foreleg up in front of her mouth.

“It’s okay.” I soothed, gently caressing the changeling with my free hand. “It’s only Fluttershy. She’s not going to hurt you. See? She’s nice…” The great blue orbs continued panning around the room. From her new vantage point behind my elbow, our little guest got a clear view of the cottage, including the dozens of critters staring at her with rapt attention. I could feel her breathing grow faster.

“She looks scared to death, poor thing.” Fluttershy’s smile was warm enough to melt the polar ice caps, but it did little to coax the changeling back out from behind its battlements.

Angel Bunny eventually broke the stalemate by hopping up and onto the couch itself. He probably just wanted to investigate the newcomer for himself, but the sudden appearance of a new pair of eyes so close to her and so suddenly caused the changeling to startle.

“Kik-khh! Kh.” It squeaked in surprise and hastily dove for the closest shelter it could find, the open neck of my shirt.

“O-oh! Okay, we’re doing this now.” Forcing myself not to yelp as the little bundle of slick black skin scampered down my chest, I quickly caught the squirming shape through the fabric and pulled myself into a sitting position. The changeling immediately turned right-side-up and poked its wary gaze out from underneath my chin.

“Angel, oh dear! You frightened her.” Fluttershy’s wispy voice was never very suited for scolding, and that was probably the closest she’d ever come to it. Angel Bunny turned to the pegasus with his paws open helplessly and his whiskers twitching irritably.

By then, all the animal critters in the house were getting worked up, stepping over each other, chittering to one another, and climbing up adjacent pieces of furniture, all trying to get a better look at the creature sticking its head out of my shirt like a kangaroo joey. I could feel her spiny hooves, like chitinous crab legs, digging into my skin. Fluttershy came to my rescue, though, when she flew up into the air and announced,

“Hey! Um, I almost completely forgot dinner time. So… Who’s hungry?” In one accord, all the noses and beaks and snouts turned away from the changeling and locked onto the yellow pegasus. “Let’s all head on into the kitchen and I’ll fix up a snack.” The crowd of critters moved like a herd of Hollywood lemmings (since real lemmings don’t mass-migrate), scurrying, scuttling, and scampering after their pony host.

“There, is that better?” I sighed, looking down at my friend.

“… that better?” She mumbled, watching the crowd retreat.

“Yeah, I think so too.” The armored hooves relaxed slightly. “What about you? Do you want to find something to eat?”

Silence.

“Or… we can just relax. That’s cool too.” I leaned back on the cushions and watched as the changeling spied on the rest of Fluttershy’s cottage from the safety of my v-neck.

The yellow pegasus was an excellent hostess, and even though she insisted that her animal friends mostly took care of themselves, you never would have guessed it from watching her doting behavior. She soared around the compact kitchen, whipping out bowls of diced leafy greens and distributing chopped fruits and vegetables to all her animal friends. Even Harry poked his head in through an open window to lick up a severed carrot top, but wasn’t hungry enough to stick around for a full meal. Eventually, though, the kind pony’s attention turned back to the living room and the two people left in it.

“Are you ready to eat, Mark?” She called.

“Just a sandwich would be awesome, thanks.”

“And what about our, um, guest?”

“I’m not sure. You think we should try giving her some solid food? Or maybe we should just start with milk. Ooh, or what about honey? No, I know some species can’t digest honey if they’re too young.” Humans are weird that way.

“I’m sure we can find something.” Fluttershy disappeared back into the kitchen and returned with a sample tray of almost everything he had in the house. There were slices of apple, some cherries, various leaves and sprouts, crackers, cereal, five different types of juice, two grades of milk and even some vegetable broth.

“This is pioneering territory. For all we know, she eats grass and safety pins and things.” I decided to start with the milk. Much to my relief, it was an instant hit, but despite my success, Fluttershy and I still thought it would be prudent to try a variety of dishes and we quickly learned that changelings were more finicky eaters than my lucky first-try would have us believe. Our guest enjoyed almost anything liquid, including the fruit juices and some applesauce, but turned her nose away from the solid foods like bread and cheese. This corresponded with what I already knew of Chrysalis and how she could barely force herself to swallow even something as delicious as the pastries Applejack gave her.

Soon, the sun sunk into the ocean of the horizon and the vast majority of Fluttershy’s other guests vanished into their dens and holes for the night. The pony herself lay on the couch with me and watched contentedly as I balanced the changeling in one arm and held a spoonful of jelly in the other. The last licks of the fruit preservative vanished and I quietly dabbed away the remaining smears that clung to the creature’s lips.

“She’s so tiny…” Fluttershy repeated.

“Perhaps, but she just drank her own weight in cream. If she keeps eating like that, she won’t stay tiny for long.” I didn’t have the heart to speculate that perhaps all changelings were lactose-intolerant and we had just poisoned our fragile guest.

“Maybe we’ll get to watch her do just that.” My friend glanced up as a pessimistic shadow crossed my brow. “Oh, don’t think think like that, Mark. Of course Twilight won’t send her away. Not when she realizes what a helpless little sweetie our new friend is. And it’s not like she’s going to hurt anyone. I mean, she can barely walk.” It was true. The changeling wobbled on her hooves like a young giraffe on stilts.

“Were it so easy.” I said in my best Arbiter voice. “Fluttershy, it’s not about threat. This little girl hardly seems capable of surviving somepony accidentally sitting on her, let alone an angry unicorn magician. No, this is about philosophy, and right now, nothing poses a greater threat to Twilight’s world view than this critter. After everything I told you all about what I knew about your lives and futures, Twilight’s been left grasping for what little control she has left, and introducing a changeling throws all of that to the wind.”

“Does she think it will change our story?” Fluttershy wondered.

“Undoubtedly.” I nodded.

“Well, I’m not worried.” My friend hopped down to the floor and began retrieving a fresh blanket from her closet. “We’ve never known the future before, so… If you start a completely new story, then it can be new for all of us. I guess… nothing really changes after all. I mean, as far as I see… Would you like to sleep upstairs tonight, Mark?”

“Huh? Um, no. I’ll be fine here. Thanks.”

“Sure. Well, then… goodnight.” Fluttershy handed me the blanket before turning toward the stairs. “I’m sure tomorrow will work out, just wait.”

“… Goodnight…” I echoed.

“Goodnight.” The changeling mimicked. Behind me, the sound of pony hooffalls ascended to the second floor, leaving me staring at the blue-eyed bundle in my arms. Despite her inextinguishable optimism, I had no such assurance that the next day would go well. In fact, I went to sleep that night fully expecting it to be the last time I could hold my tiny friend before they took her from me.

Correction, before they tried to take her from me.

It shouldn’t have surprised me when I found myself dreaming about Bioshock that night. I dutifully patrolled the halls of Rapture in a Big Daddy costume, fending off Splicers and keeping a vigilant eye on the Little Sisters. For as much fun as that sounds, my sleep became increasingly troubled as I saw that all the Sisters’ eyes were turquoise-blue and all the Splicers spoke in the voices of my closest friends. Finally, I remember the moment I refused to fight an opponent who sounded like Rarity. The Splicer threw me on my back and the fragile halls of the sunken city began to crumble on top of me.

When I woke up, I found myself lying on Fluttershy’s couch with the young changeling sitting on my chest like a kitten. She chirped expectantly upon seeing my eyes open, but something was different about her face. It looked brighter, more energetic, more expressive. At last, I realized that my friend’s eyes had whites to them, with wide dark pupils and aquamarine irises. Confused, I blinked and tried to sit up.

“Good morning.” I said cautiously.

“Good morning.” She repeated.

“Sleep well?”

“Sleep well?”

“You look… good. I mean, am I missing something? No offense, but where did your other eyes go?”

“Mark? Are you awake?” Fluttershy appeared at the top of the stairs behind me. The changeling glanced up with a gasp and in a moment, her eyes flicked back to the blank turquoise fields I had seen last night.

“Ha! That’s so cool!” My chuckle almost shook the changeling from her perch.

“Ha. That’s so cool.” She echoed uncertainly.

“What is?” The yellow pegasus scooped her rabbit up in her forelegs and floated down into the living room.

“Changelings have double eyelids. Like birds and lizards!” I explained. “That’s awesome! I wonder what they use them for. Come on, show Fluttershy.”

“Come on, show Fluttershy.” The changeling remained unmoved.

“She’s probably just shy.” Exhaling, I scooped the critter up in my arms and sat up on the couch. “But look at us, we’ve already uncovered one of the great mysteries about changelings.”

“What’s that?”

“Why Chrysalis’s eyes were different from all the others.” I ran a reassuring hand down the changeling’s back. “Next, we have to find out why the queen was the only one with a mane.”

“Status, perhaps?” The pegasus offered. “Oh, how exciting! But… maybe we should just get ready for the day first. Twilight’s probably going to be back soon and we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

“Sure.” Fluttershy and I repeated the scene from the night before, with her laying out a banquet of seeds and nuts for her animal friends while I tested the changeling’s appetite for a suitable meal. Almost instinctively, my young friend made a beeline for a box of apple juice and remained silently latched onto a straw until she had finished almost a quart of liquids. As I chewed on a bagel, I surreptitiously checked myself and Fluttershy’s couch for any sign of where all those fluids were going.

However, the morning matured and I still hadn’t seen hide or hair (literally) of Twilight Sparkle. In an attempt to distract me from my new hobby of glancing out the cottage windows, Fluttershy asked,

“Mark, um, would you and your friend like to help me collect some fresh flowers from the meadow? I just, well, thought it would help freshen things up a bit.”

“Sure, if you-oh!” I suddenly realized what she was asking. “You’re still talking about Mr. Handstand’s cologne, aren’t you? I’m so sorry, I completely forgot. Of course we’ll help.”

“Of course we’ll help.” The changeling burped, licking juice from her chin.

Fluttershy grabbed a shallow wicker basket and led the way out into the radiant hills behind her house. A couple seconds later, I followed, coaxing along the timid and hesitant changeling. My new friend gazed out at the sun-drenched world through the protection of her nictitating membrane, reluctant to abandon the shelter of the cottage for a world of rippling grass and fathomless skies. After a few seconds of encouragement, though, the changeling hopped down into the springy turf and trotted after my heels. In spite of myself, a broad smile grew over my face as I thought of how quickly she was learning to coordinate her body.

“I think she’s taking a liking to you.” Fluttershy observed quietly. “Is it just me, or does she already look stronger?”

“It’s not just you.” I agreed. “A good meal and a good night’s sleep and now she’s as spritely as Tinker Bell.” My train of thought hesitated as the sound of panting reached my ears. I scooped the little black bundle up in my arms and added, “… Even if she doesn’t have any endurance yet.”

Fluttershy parked us in the middle of a living watercolor. All around us, the hills were painted in hues of rich gold and royal purple, a sea of a million flowers each straining to shine the brightest in the white sunlight. Honey bees, bumble bees and butterflies danced through the air like fairies, sniffing each blossom in turn and drinking a banquet of ambrosia. The scene was so picturesque, I half-expected to see Julie Andrews dancing through it. Our group began harvesting a collection of the most fragrant displays and putting them in the basket.

“So, um, have you thought about, I don’t know, finding a name for her, yet?” Fluttershy asked as she plucked a daisy up in her mouth.

“I have.” I added a handful of lavender stalks to the basket. “I’ve been trying not to, but I have.”

“Why not?” The pony looked shocked. “Don’t you think she needs a name?”

“Of course I do. At first, though, I didn’t. As a certain Mr. Wazowski once said, ‘Once you name it, you start getting attached to it’. And I didn’t think my heart could take it if we started getting attached to her only to have someone else take her away.”

“Did something change?”

“Oh yeah! I decided we’re going to keep her.” I said matter-of-factly. "No matter what Twilight says."

“Oh, good!” Fluttershy clapped her hooves. “I’m so glad to hear that. But, um, you still aren’t trying to come up with a name?”

“Worse.” I groaned. “I’ve come up with dozens.” I sat down on the grass, held up my fingers and began counting, “Mimi, Ditto, Odo, Mystique/ Raven, Doppel, Envy, Gandrayda, Tonks, Loki, T-1000…”

“And none of those fit?” My friend asked.

“Well, none of them fit because they’re all of the same theme and the theme doesn’t fit. All of those characters are face-swappers from their different series. Paper Mario, Pokemon, Star Trek, X-Men, Monster Musume, Fullmetal Alchemist, Metroid, Harry Potter, Thor, and Terminator. I realized that, as much fun as it would be to name a changeling after her special ability, I figured it was pretty shallow. Even names like Mira, Mirage, Shadow and Xerox wouldn’t work. If she’s going to live with us, then I’m going to make sure that ponies see her for more than just a copycat and her name is the first step.” I rubbed my chin. "Though, 'Cat' would be a cute name..."

A tiny black hoof pawed at my leg and when I glanced down, I saw the little changeling with a hyacinth in her mouth. Her eyes were clear as she glanced between myself and the flower basket.

“Aww, are you helping too?” I reached down and accepted the humble gift. “Thank you.” Instead of parroting me, however, my new friend stared thoughtfully at the growing collection of flowers. All of a sudden, she skipped off into the meadow and returned with a bright orange poppy. I thanked her again and this time, a spark comprehension ignited her features. As fast as her clumsy hooves could carry her, she began running back and forth, fetching every flower that caught her eye.

“Pastel might be a good name.” I mused, as much to myself as to Fluttershy. “Something artistic, something beautiful, and matches the chameleon from Tangled. Or perhaps Echo. No, that goes back to the ‘identity crisis’ problem. Nyx would just confuse people, since that’s already a character. Not to mention, Penstroke might get me for plagiarism. Then again, she is a monster girl that I found unconscious in the woods… Maybe we could call her ‘Alice’ after Miss Fateburn, but on the other hand, I’m not going to admit I know who that is…” The tapping on my pants came again.

“Thank you.” The changeling declared as she dropped a mouthful of flowers at my feet.

“No, sweetie, these are flowers. Can you say ‘flowers’?”

“Can you say ‘flowers’?”

“Close.” I held a finger to my chin and annunciated, “’Flowers’.”

“’Flowers’.”

“Very good!” I beamed at my little student. “And I say ‘thank you’.” My fingers closed around the dainty plants. “Thank you!”

“Flowers…” The little changeling’s brain was working so quickly I could almost see steam rising from her spiked ears. She dashed off and returned with a prized black-eyed Susan. With a flourish, she presented it and declared, “Flowers!”

“Thank you!” My heart felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage it was swelling so much. “And I have something for you.” I laid a little chain of the collected flowers over the changeling’s shoulders. At first, she shied away from the gesture, not sure why I was ensnaring her in a wreath or why I would give away the things we had been so diligently collecting. Things became clearer when I tilted my head and exclaimed, “Oh, you’re so pretty!” The changeling chewed on that one for a good seven seconds.

“So pretty…” She finally mumbled. “Thank you!”

“Now you’ve got it!” I don’t think even the fresh sun could have beamed brighter than my face in that moment.

“Eee!” The little girl squealed and flashed a ticklish smile. She pranced in a small circle, trying to get a better view of the garland around her shoulders and then ran up to Fluttershy so that she could see too. “So pretty!” She cried.

“Yes, you are. Very lovely!” Fluttershy giggled.

Suddenly, a bright blue monster with four scaly wings swooped down on the three of us. It glided right over the changeling, hounding her and diving for the necklace of flowers she wore.

“Keee!” The little girl shrieked, her second eyelids sweeping back into place. She dove into the protective cover of my arms just as the invader made another pass at her.

“Now, now, don’t be shy.” I was biting my lip to prevent myself from laughing at the spectacle. “It’s just a butterfly. See? He just wants to be your friend!” Attracted by the scent of fresh blossoms, the minuscule blue insect flitted though the air like a leaf on the wind. It alighted on the basket and began drinking nectar from the colorful buds before they vanished forever into Fluttershy’s cottage.

“Friend?” The changeling chirped nervously.

“Butterfly.” I corrected. “What is that? It’s a butterfly.”

“Butterfly.”

“There you go!” In addition, I explained, “And if you ever don’t know what something is, just say, ‘what is that?’, ok? ‘What is that?’.”

“What is that?” The changeling kept her wary eyes on the bug.

“That is a butterfly.” I repeated. “It’s a gliding insect that drinks nectar and helps flowers grow. They’re known for their fragile, but lovely wings, and the dramatic change they go through from being a caterpillar.” It was just a trial run to teach her how to ask questions, and I didn’t expect my new friend to understand most of what I was saying, but I went with it anyway. It was never a bad time for a science lesson, but besides that, nothing seemed to calm the changeling down quite as effectively as listening to me ramble. In another few moments, the butterfly had gone on its way and the little girl once more began her crusade for increasingly lovely flowers. I watched her scamper down the hill with an affectionate gleam in my eye.

“Oh dear, this is serious.” Fluttershy chided.

“What is?” I asked, feigning innocence.

“You’re completely taken with her!” The pony exclaimed.

“Mebbe…” I admitted sheepishly. “And maybe I’m just a good Samaritan. I mean, I just wanted to make sure she could find somewhere safe and welcoming. After everything she’s already gone through, it’s the least I could to.”

“Hmm… Are you sure there isn’t anything... more… you see in her?”

“Hey, adoption is still way out of the question, alright? I don’t know the first thing about taking in a filly, let alone a changeling, let alone the fact that I’m still borrowing a bed in the local library, let alone-”

“I never said anything about ‘adoption’.” Fluttershy grinned slyly. “I was talking about, well, how you might feel responsible for what happened to her. But, you know, if there’s nowhere else for her to go…”

“Let’s not go there. Trust me, I’m not cut out to be a foster parent. I mean, honestly, that’s still a long way away for me. Let’s just take one thing at a time.” I tried to chuckle, tried to lighten the mood, and was currently fishing desperately for a new topic, but a stifled cry pushed all other thoughts out of my head.

The sound came from the base of the hill, a brief ear-splitting scream from a very small throat. Unlike the incident with the butterfly, however, this shout was abruptly cut off, silenced before it even ran its course. I leapt to my feet as if weightless and began a mad dash down the grassy slope in the direction of the voice. I could see a small, unassuming pond nestled between the flower-laden knolls, a little spit of water almost too shallow to pay any heed, but cold terror seized me when I saw a small black shape floundering in it, breaking its smooth surface with white bubbles.

“No, no, no! God, no!” I slid down the last few feet of hill and careened right into the pond. Like a heron plucking a fish from the water, my hands plunged into the murky liquid and rescued my changeling friend. The little girl was sputtering, her wings flapping erratically and her hooves nearly tore my shirt with how tightly she gripped it, but she was safe. I told her so. “It’s ok. You’re safe. It’s ok. Take deep breaths. That’s right, get it all out. I’ve got you. You’re safe now.”

“Couh! Couh!” The changeling spat grey pond water. I pulled long and stringy plant roots off of her as I tried to soothe her.

“That’s better. Good, good. You’re ok.” It was only then that I realized I was standing knee-deep in slimy water and my shoes were being consumed by silt. I looked down at the head still buried in my chest and wondered, “What were you doing all the way down here?” To answer, the changeling lifted her eyes, revealing a single pale pink flower still clutched in her mouth.

“Flowers.” She explained, setting her prize in my open hand. “Flowers so pretty.” Looking around me, I saw that the pond was lush with lily pads, each one flaunting their blossoms like an armada of sailboats. For someone who had never seen a pool before, the lush plants could have easily passed for a floor of green tiles, and the grey water they rested upon, a surface of glass.

“… Thank you…” I whispered. Then, to no one in particular, I repeated, “Thank you.”

Above me, Fluttershy watched with relief on her face as I sloshed my way to shore and began trekking back up the hill. There was a knowing look in her eyes that said it all. She didn’t have to point out how fast I had leapt to my feet or how quickly I had run. She didn’t have to address the flush in my cheeks or the blood hammering in my ears. I was smitten, hopelessly and irrevocably, and I couldn’t have been happier.

“Mark?” A familiar voice caught my attention. It was a musical voice, one that I had heard countless times before, but when I caught it that morning, it sounded like someone had clicked the hammer of a gun behind my head. Slowly and deliberately, but smiling with grim defiance, I turned around to face the speaker.

“Good morning, Twilight.” I greeted. The purple unicorn stood with her hooves slightly apart and her back to Fluttershy’s cottage. Spike was on her back, his claws still clamped onto her neck, a sign that she had just been running, probably summoned by the same scream.

“Morning.” Twilight said absently. “Um, Mark?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“What is that?”

“It’s a lily.” I explained, holding up the flower.

“What is that?” The changeling echoed quietly.

“Oh…” The purple pony’s ears twitched. “No, I mean, what is THAT?”

“Don’t mean who is that?” I corrected. “This is our new friend. I found her in the forest yesterday. She was hurt pretty bad, so I brought her back here.”

“Oh…” Was all Twilight said.

“Whoa! Is that a changeling?” Spike exclaimed. “You actually found one?”

“Yup, and she’s pretty young. She just learned that water is wet.”

“Can she turn into stuff?” The dragon pressed.

“Um… No. Not that I’ve seen, at least.” Interestingly enough, the changeling hadn't tried to change.

“So, Mark.” Twilight Sparkle found her voice again.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Is this the reason why you didn’t want to come back to the library last night?” She said deductively.

“Yeah, I didn’t get hit with a skunk.” I confessed. “I mean, there was a skunk, but that was just an excuse. I figured…”

“Yes?” The magic student lifted an eyebrow.

“Well,” I figured I’d let you ease into this nice and slow, perhaps over the span of a couple days, instead of slapping you in the face with a suddenly life-twisting introduction to the story because you and I both know that you don’t handle change very well and you’re just as likely to start running around like Marie Antoinette’s chicken if I dropped all this on you at once, so you should be thankful for the time you got because from here on out there’s no going back. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t think it was the right time.”

“Mark, if this is the next episode, just tell me.” Much to my surprise, Twilight’s posture relaxed and her face eased into a look of reassurance. “I'm sure you saw this coming a mile away, right?”

“Eeeeeyyyeee… “I held up a finger, but it wilted. Technically, I could have told her anything. I could have said that the changeling was canon, that it was supposed to be there, perhaps even that she was supposed to find it during her next trip to Zecora’s, but there was one very serious problem with that. Applejack and Rarity made it perfectly clear that they trusted me with their futures and with their destinies. To abuse that trust would effectively strip them of their humanity, the thin line that reminded me that these were real people and not just characters in a show. True, it was tempting, but to take advantage of it would be to no longer see the ponies as my friends, but as my pawns, devoid of all dignity and rights and at the mercy of the new writer, myself. In simpler terms, it was lying and I was done with it. I restarted with a resigned breath,

“Look, I could tell you it is. I mean, if I said so, who could contradict me? But the truth would have to come out sooner or later, so let’s just rip the bandage off right now. In fact, I’m glad you’re here. Really, I am. I was already regretting playing 'Linguini' last night, hiding Remy from Skinner and all that.” I looked Twilight in the eye and explained, “I’m just as surprised to find this changeling as you are.”

Twilight melted. First her ears, then her cheeks, then her tail and even her legs wilted as she processed what I was saying. A haunting look of incredulity filled her face as she stared at the little black shape I was holding.

“Cool!” Spike cried. “New characters!”

“No…” Twilight looked at the changeling. “No.” Then she looked at the way I was cradling it. “No!” And finally, she looked at the unapologetic determination in my face. “NO!” The purple pony reared, nearly sending Spike tumbling to the ground.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking, but-”

“But?” Twilight cut me off. “But!?”

“Twi, please, there are children about-”

“There is no but!” The unicorn whinnied. “How could you do this to us? To me? Do you have any idea what this could mean for the future of Equestria?”

“As far as I’m concerned, it means there’s one less corpse lying in the forest.” My voice was chilly.

“Were you even going to tell us? How long were you going to wait before telling me? I thought you were done with your silly secrets!” Twilight pawed the grass frantically.

“I was going to tell you. I didn’t want to alarm you.” I cleared my throat at the increasingly frantic pony.

“You were going to tell me?” Her voice pitched. “So you really were planning on keeping this a secret?”

“You didn’t let me-”

“Why didn’t you tell me this!?”

“I was going to make you an omelet and tell you!” My voice grew in strength, even if only to be heard over the shouting unicorn, but it was unnecessary. Twilight Sparkle did the scariest thing she could have possibly done; she became very quiet. She stared at me for a long moment, her ears twitching, her jaw locked. At long last, she pried her teeth apart enough to mutter,

“You’re going to keep it, aren’t you?”

I nodded remorsefully.

“What’s wrong with that?” Spike asked, leaning over Twilight’s rigid neck. The only reply he got, however, was when the pony abruptly spun on her hoof and marched back towards Ponyville without another word. I watched her go with a mixture of regret and apprehension. Regret, because I had failed spectacularly at getting my friend to empathize with the changeling. Apprehension, because I knew that our ‘discussion’ was far from over.

“I was hoping that would go better…” Fluttershy squeaked. The pegasus had been as silent as a tree up to that point as if trying to vanish into the background. Now, she trotted up to me with the last shreds of optimism dangling from her voice. “Do you think she’s upset?”

“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.” I declared, staring after the vanishing shape of Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh dear, um, what’s the bad news?”

“The manure’s officially hit the fan.” My lips twisted as if I had just drank sour milk. “A brand new friendship problem for us to work through.”

“And… and the good news?”

“Her name’s Lilly.” My head bowed and I gave the little changeling an affectionate nuzzle.

Not long after that, my feet marched (well, squelched) their way back to Fluttershy’s cottage where I immediately began emptying my emergency bag of all its contents. The pegasus watched nervously as I discarded knives, matches, lengths of cord, a tent and a bag of herbal medicines and laid them on an empty countertop. Lilly looked on silently, her mouth preoccupied with a juice box.

“Grape juice…” The changeling muttered thoughtfully.

“What are you going to do?” Fluttershy asked, poking at my collection of pyrotechnic potions.

“I’m going to march right over to the library and see if we can’t get this straightened out before it blows up into something everypony is going to regret. I’ll use my big boy voice if I have to, but I can’t let Twilight Sparkle leave the way she did. She had that look in her eye.” I set my jaw like a knight preparing to face off against a dragon.

“What look?”

“Oh, you know the one. A little frantic, a little eccentric, a little blood-curdling. You may have seen it the day she was almost tardy on her homework to Celestia. Or, more recently, when she was trying to prevent a disaster that would never come. The one that means she’s taking matters into her own hooves, usually not for the best.”

“But you weren’t here for… Oh…” Fluttershy frowned to herself. “You saw that too?”

“Yeah, those episodes were ‘episodes’.” With the bag finally empty, I proceeded to stuff a soft towel into the bottom of it.

“Then, what do you need the bag for?” The pegasus cocked her head inquiringly.

“Because I’m a nice guy.” I growled poisonously. “There may come a day when Lilly can walk down the street in her own skin without being stared at, but it’s not this day. So unless she can quick-change into Apple Bloom right now, I need a way to take her with me without causing a riot. Mark my words, Ponyville is going to have a changeling resident and they’re going to like it, but until they know that, I just want to get things sorted with Twilight first.”

“Oh my. Well, um, I hope you both have a nice long, quiet, talk and, um, good luck.” Once again, Fluttershy was showing off her baseless optimism. Though she wished for the best, the kind pony still excused herself from coming with me. In her defense, though, her tender ears were probably still ringing from the train ride down from Canterlot.

“Come on, sweetie.” I lifted the changeling up and into the newly refurbished nest-bag. “Let’s go pay our favorite librarian a visit.”

“What is that?” Lilly asked as she inspected the inside of the backpack.

“It’s a backpack.” I cautiously slipped my arm through one of the straps and tested the weight. “It’s just like hiding inside my shirt, but way more comfortable. For both of us. Now don’t worry. I’m right here, see?” With the top straps cinched down, Lilly was completely hidden from the casual eye. All that could be seen of the changeling was the gap just beneath the backpack’s flap where she peered out at the world with her glowing blue eyes.

With a hasty farewell and a couple fervent expressions of gratitude to my host, I left Fluttershy’s cottage and made a beeline for Ponyville and the Golden Oak Library within. As I passed the outskirts of town, nopony seemed to suspect the jittery human or his mysterious shifting backpack. Apparently, the sight of me and my increasingly-bizarre potions homework had made such a sight fairly commonplace in the sleepy town.

“What is that?” My backpack wondered.

“That’s a tree. A big plant useful for growing wood or fruits.”

“What is that?”

“An outdoor stall. That’s where ponies buy stuff. This one is selling strawberries.”

“What is that?”

“That’s an earth pony. The physically strongest of the pony tribes, they’re closely tied to the land in an important way.”

“What is that?”

“That’s Cranky Doodle, a donkey, and the guy who totally thinks I’m talking to myself right now.” The old burro watched me for a few awkward seconds before shaking his head and continuing on his way.

Eventually, and just before I ran out of bullets to sweat, I burst through the library door and slapped it shut behind me. The place was completely empty.

“Hello?” I called uncertainly.

“Hello?” My backpack echoed.

There was no reply. Even as far as libraries went, Twilight’s was uncharacteristically hollow without its studious tenant. The wooden walls and bound tomes returned my voice as a muffled reverberation and the shades had been pulled shut over most the windows. Upon inspecting the front door, I realized that the ‘closed’ sign had been hastily draped over the doorknob. Whatever Twilight was doing, wherever she was going, she had wasted no time in undertaking it.

I was at a loss. Granted, it was rare for bookhorse to abandon her bookhouse, but it wasn’t impossible. She was her own mare, not a cartoon character, and sometimes, in intermittent circumstances, errands needed to be run. The fact that I was 99.97% sure that whatever ‘errand’ she was running had to do with Lilly was what scared me.

“Where could she be?” I asked my reflection as I peered out one of the windows. “She could be anywhere. Talking with anypony. What is she planning?” My teeth nearly chewed through my lip in frustration. Twilight had an issue. She knew I opposed her on the issue. Thus, she was probably out trying to rally supporters to her side of the issue using her (incomplete) knowledge of the situation. That meant that she could be trying to find her friends, the mayor, or even just running through the streets gathering a mob of frantic ponies to her cause. A brief image of torches and pitchforks filled my mind.

“I hear the Everfree is lovely this time of year...” I deliberated.

Shaking the thought from my mind, I pried the front door back open and plunged into the sunlight. I needed more information, some good advice, and a few sympathizers for Lilly wouldn’t hurt either. Rarity and Applejack had been the last ponies to have a heart-to-heart with the panicky unicorn, so if anypony had a clue as to what was going through her head, it would be them. Therefore, and while avoiding the main streets as much as possible, I steered my course towards the Carousel Boutique.

Upon arriving at the elegant shop, I took a moment to collect myself. Once I had slathered a generous dose of nonchalance on my face and double-checked to make sure that my backpack wasn’t mumbling, I pushed the door to the boutique open. The musical brass bell announced my arrival as I stepped over the threshold.

“Ding ding!” It sang.

“Ding ding!” My backpack chirruped in reply. My wide eyes glanced over my shoulder towards the gap where Lilly was staring back at me. Before I could warn her to keep silent, however, a lacey voice floated from one of the back rooms.

“Coming! Coming!” The voice was followed by a white unicorn with ribbons of silky purple mane. “Ah, Mark! So nice of you to stop in.” I matched Rarity’s welcoming smile with one of my own. Her warm demeanor and expectant gaze were likely indicators that Twilight hadn’t confronted her yet. She had no idea what was coming.

“Hello, Rarity.” I greeted. “Do you have a moment?”

“But of course! Though, I am expecting some company over for tea.”

“I see. I’ll try to be quick, then.” I shuffled a little under the weight of the backpack. “Has Twilight Sparkle spoken to you yet?”

“Twilight Sparkle?” Rarity blinked her sapphire eyes. “I haven’t seen her since yesterday. Applejack and I escorted her to the library, you see…” Her voice faded as she watched a somber expression fill my eyes. “Why? Did something… happen between you two?”

“You could say that.” Unable to bear the weight of my casual mask any lower, I began to sink onto a sofa.

“Well, please, take a seat, dear, and tell me all about it.” Rarity subsequently offered the couch while she herself took a chair across from me.

“What exactly did you and Applejack tell her yesterday?” I asked, setting my bag between my feat. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can’t thank you enough for doing that and she seemed to be a little more understanding this morning.” I quickly assured my friend that my current trouble with the purple student was in no way a result of her input, and that I was simply trying to get a better idea of where she was coming from.

“Oh, well let’s see.” Rarity daintily placed her hoof on her chin. “As I recall, it was nothing that hadn’t already been iterated on the train. Applejack and I merely explained that if you’ve been spending all your time trying to preserve the story you already knew it, then why should anything change now that we’re aware you’re doing it? Of course, it was more in-depth than that and I believe Applejack made an interesting remark about how your so-called ‘episodes’ are actually the least changeable scenarios, seeing as you’ve already seen how they begin and end. Come to think of it, that alone seemed to do wonders for the poor girl’s nerves.”

“I see…” I mulled this over like a tankard of ale.

“Mark, dear, if you’d just tell me what’s happened…?” Rarity asked cautiously.

“I found a changeling.” I said resignedly. “It was hurt, so I took it in. Twilight’s not pleased.” My latest strategy for breaking the news involved an assassin-like approach: underplay the weight of the issue while going right for the heart of the problem. In theory, it was better than dropping hints or pussyfooting or dancing around the issue or otherwise letting my audience’s imagination run away with them. In Rarity’s case, though, I wondered if there was any correct way to tell her.

“… What?” The finely-trimmed lines of Rarity’s eyelids arched up in surprise. Her gem-blue eyes first looked at me, and then locked onto the mysterious package I had placed on the floor.

“No, it’s not dangerous.” I explained in a laser-level tone. “It’s an infant. Barely old enough to talk. I’ve been calling her-” As I unstrapped the flap, all my synapses fired at once, leaving my body wide-eyed and paralyzed. The bag’s mouth fell open to reveal Lilly in her little nest, but as soon as I peered into the container, I was met with an empty sack. The changeling was gone.

“Hello!” A tiny voice piped up from beside the boutique’s podium. Rarity and I both spun around to see the little changeling trying to greet a half-dressed mannequin. Rarity’s eyelids threatened to surpass her horn in altitude and her mouth had fallen uncharacteristically slack. Softly, and suppressing my demand to know just how the escape artist had bypassed the backpack’s buckles, I called out,

“Lilly! Come over here, please.” The changeling cast one more glance up at the fitting doll before trotting back to where I sat. With Rarity still impersonating a codfish, I scooped up my little friend and set her on my lap.

“What is that?” Lilly stared at the unicorn sitting across from me.

“That’s Miss Rarity. Say, ‘hello, Miss Rarity’.”

“Say hello, Miss Rarity.” The changeling hesitated, but quickly worked out her mistake. “Hello, Miss Rarity.”

“Hello there.” The white unicorn responded automatically, slowly coming back to herself. I waited patiently as she processed what she was seeing. Rarity took into account the size of the creature, the way it gazed uncertainly out at the world, and finally the bandage running along its neck. As she released a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, my friend admitted,

“I don’t know how to put this, but, hmm… When we assured Twilight that everything would work out in the end, I can’t say this is what we had in mind.”

“I don’t believe anyone had this in mind.” I agreed. “Even me.”

“And you’re sure this... Lilly… isn’t a part of…?”

“Not a part of the show, no.” I shook my head.

“Oh dear. And to come at such a delicate time…”

“You’re telling me!” Whoever came up with this story arc had no finesse. “I couldn’t have planned this worse if I had tried!

“And Twilight?”

“Reacted as you might expect.” My eyes cast a wary glance out the boutique’s windows. “If we’re lucky, she’s out collecting the rest of our friends to come and have a lengthy discussion over what’s to be done with Lilly.”

“And if we’re unlucky?”

“Does the term ‘lynch mob’ convey an effective mental image?” My words are so dry, they nearly chapped my lips.

“Ding ding!” Lilly cried. Confused, Rarity and I both glanced down at the little changeling, but in the next instant, our meeting was interrupted by the appearance of three new ponies.

“Ding ding!” Rarity’s father, a sturdy off-white unicorn with a perpetually smiling moustache, glanced curiously up at the bell as he pushed his way into the room. Beside him cantered his wife, a tickled-pink unicorn, and his little filly, Sweetie Belle. As carefully as I could, I caused Lilly to vanish back into her backpack while Rarity rose to meet her family.

“Oh! Mother, Father! So nice of you to visit!” Rarity leapt forward, laughing nervously. Though my friend hadn’t expressly stated that she sympathized with my current plight, it did not go unnoticed that she had intercepted her family early, allowing me time to casually slip my backpack on and inch towards the back door.

“Visit?” Hondo Flanks, Rarity’s father, gave a throaty chuckle. “Whatever happened to our family day?”

“Family-” Rarity balked. “Oh, yes, our tea time! I remember now. Not sure how it slipped my mind.” She giggled. “I even had the kettle on and everything. It’s all in the kitchen.”

“Ah, it’s no wonder you’re flustered. I mean, after everythin’ you’ve been through, my poor baby!” The pink unicorn, Cookie Crumbles, smiled courageously, fighting to keep tears from growing in her eyes. “Really, I don’t know how ya do it. I would be just a wreck if we had been in Canterlot two days ago. A complete wreck. It’s just awful!”

“I was there too…” Sweetie Belle looked up at her mother uncertainly.

I had just turned to make my escape, had just lifted my hand toward the knob, had just dared to excuse myself unnoticed, when my cloak of invisibility slipped and the ponies were suddenly aware that there was another figure in the room.

“Oh! And Mr. Mark’s here too. Fancy runnin’ into you here!” Rarity’s mom caught me. I turned slowly, trying to pass off my guilty smile as a genuine one as I greeted the unicorns.

“Hello, Ma’am.” My still-clawed hand gave a stiff wave.

“Look at him over there, so modest.” To my horror, and Rarity’s dismay, the rest of the family members surrounded me like a pack of hyenas. Cookie Crumbles gushed, “You just can’t believe how thankful we are, mister, we just wanted to let’cha know. Our Rarity told us the whole thing!”

“She did?” For lack of anything else to say.

“Absolutely! Stalion of the hour right here!” Hondo Flanks clapped me on the shoulder, nearly knocking me on my face and giving my backpack a terrible lurch. “Uncovering a secret plot? Staring down a queen? Fending off an army? And if that weren’t enough, you brought my two girls back home safely! What a champ, huh?” Another affectionate blow to the arm.

“I did?” I blinked.

“Ha! In case you haven’t noticed, mister, you’re a bona fide hero! You ask me, you should be wearing the Golden Halo for what you did!” Rarity’s father aimed another poke at my chest.

“What is that?” My backpack finally broke its strained silence.

“Why, it’s a medal of valor given by the princess herself!” Hondo apparently hadn’t realized that my lips hadn’t moved. “For her champions, you see. Can’t have a hero without a medal, I always say! Why, my own trophies-”

“Mr. Mark was just on his way to an important meeting!” Rarity cut through the conversation like a light saber through butter. “He merely dropped by for a moment, but we really can’t keep him for any longer.”

“Is that right?” Hondo and his wife turned towards Rarity. “More folks who need ya? Can’t say I’m surprised. Well, in that case, don’t let me stop you, Mr. Hero. And thanks again!” Rarity’s father gave me one last affectionate shove before turning back towards Rarity’s kitchen. He and Cookie Crumbles gave me a final look of gratitude before the owner of the boutique ushered them at last into the next room.

“What is that?” Lilly repeated as I rubbed my tender shoulder.

“Rarity’s daddy.” I explained.

“What is that?”

“A daddy? Well, to be a daddy means he loves her, he takes care of her, and he protects her. He’s a big part of a lady’s life because he promised to always be there for her no matter what.” Genetics aside, it was an effective description and Lilly seemed to like it, falling quiet once again. Rarity poked her head out of the kitchen and sang,

“You’d best be on your way!” Then, silently, she mouthed, ‘We’ll speak of this later.’.

“Very well.” Then, silently, I mimed, ‘Thank you!’.

However, just as I prepared to depart for my ‘important meeting’, it turned out that the meeting had found me. The door opened and I found myself confronted by a spiral piece of lavender bone aimed at my nose. Twilight Sparkle’s grim smile froze me in place and paralyzed l my limbs like an elephant taser.

“Estoy muerto.” A squeak wriggled out of my throat.

“There you are, Mark!” The unicorn said triumphantly. “We need to have a talk.”

“Hey, nice! We found him!” Rainbow Dash hovered low enough to look in through the boutique’s open door. Glancing over Twilight’s shoulder, I could see exactly what she had meant by ‘we’. The rest of the main cast (including Spike) were assembled on Rarity’s doormat, all in various states of emotional expression. Applejack looked worried, Fluttershy looked guilty, Spike looked confused, and Rainbow Dash looked excited. Pinkie Pie was a little ways off, trying to out-duckface a mallard.

“Yes, we do,” I took a deep breath to steady myself, “but I don’t think this is the best place. See-”

“Nope! You’re not getting out of it, mister. This is an intervention!” Twilight marched right past me, followed closely by the rest of the gang. I stared helplessly over their candy-colored hides as they all filed into the boutique.

“You don’t understand!” I hissed. “Rarity’s family is here!”

“Good!” The purple unicorn tossed her head. “Maybe we can get their opinion as well. Or were you planning on only letting Fluttershy in on your secret, hm?”

My first instinct was to lash out at the magic student, say something seething or sarcastic that would help her realize how petty and tactless she was being at the moment, but I thought better of it. A lifetime of denying such hostile instincts had trained me to swallow such words, take a step back, and reply in a polite, measured tone.

“Very well.” I said. “Let’s talk.” Emphasis on the word, ‘talk’.

“Mark? Is everything-” Rarity emerged from the kitchen, but her voice fell silent as she saw the somber gathering in her boutique. She nervously looked from myself to Twilight and back again as she strode into the main room, the faces of her curious family appearing in the doorway behind her.

“Rarity! Thanks for joining us.” Twilight’s voice was like corn syrup, sweet and fake. “Mark here was just about to explain to us why he thought it was a good idea to bring a CHANGELING into Ponyville.”

“Did I hear that right?” Cookie Crumbles gasped.

“I think so.” Sweetie Belle confirmed.

“Where is it, Mark?” Rainbow Dash asked excitedly.

“Can it turn into an alpaca?” Pinkie Pie danced on the tips of her hooves.

“Why’d you try to hide it?” Applejack wondered.

“The floor is yours, Mark.” The purple unicorn motioned to me as if I was a prized pig at an auction. Squelching the dirty look I wanted to throw her, I shed my pride like a cloak and held the backpack in front of me.

“She needed help.” I said simply. The room was silent for three swollen seconds as if everypony was expecting me to continue, but nothing else was to be said.

“And?” Twilight pressed.

“And?” I repeated, a note of mock-amusement in my tone. “Since when does Ponyville need more reason than that? When was the last time they turned their back on someone who needed a hand?”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie Pie shot a hoof into the air. “Zecora before we all played in the poison joke?”

“A perfect example.” I said calmly. “And one that I think we all learned a lot from.” By the way I leveled my eyes at a certain magic student, I made it perfectly obvious that Twilight Sparkle was the ‘we all’ I spoke of.

“That’s completely different!” The purple pony insisted.

“How so?” My refusal to join Twilight’s boiling emotional spectacle only added fuel to her fire.

“How about the fact that it’s a parasite?” My friend snapped. “Or the fact that it could obliterate the timeline! Or, here’s a novel thought, how about the fact that it’s species is based on lies and manipulation? Your ‘little friend’ here might actually be Chrysalis herself!”

“Hoo boy…” Hondo Flanks glanced warily at my backpack before stepping protectively between myself and Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t think…” The rest of what Fluttershy said was lost in her mane.

“Twi makes a good point.” Rainbow Dash conceded. “You might be under its spell, Mark. Like, why didn’t you come straight to us when you found a changeling? That’s kind of a big deal.”

“For the same reason you didn’t admit you like reading books, Rainbow Dash.” My voice was laser-measured. “I didn’t know what I had found or what everyone’s reactions might be, so I needed some time to think. Each and every one of these questions you’ve brought me is exactly what I’ve been trying to solve since yesterday. The very same questions Twilight just asked me.” I took a deep breath. “After careful consideration though, I not only believe that Lilly is harmless, but that we have a duty, as representatives of Equestria, to take care of her in the absence of her family.”

In that moment, a bright green flame consumed the backpack. Its emerald light was reflected in all our faces as every eye turned toward the spectacle and the air fell still as every breath was held. After a moment, a small black shape fell out of the bottom of the bag and the flames dimmed, leaving my hands and the now-empty bag unscathed. The only difference was that there was now a young changeling sitting between my feet. Apparently, changelings could phase-walk. One more mystery solved.

“Eeek!” Cookie broke the silence that had bound everyone and the room instantly filled with noise. Shouts, screams, accusations, threats, all voices turned to soup in the air. All I knew was that I fell into a defensive crouch as Twilight Sparkle leveled her horn at Lilly.

“Don’t you dare!” I roared, sparks flying from my teeth.

“Get out of the way!” Twilight demanded.

The situation crumbled like Alka-Seltzer in water. Lilly gripped my ankle desperately at the sudden onslaught of sound and her second eyelids immediately snapped shut. Pinkie Pie stuck her face right into the changeling’s, trying to introduce herself, Fluttershy began crying, Rarity was begging for order, Hondo Flanks was trying to escort his family out of the building, and Applejack was trying to prevent Twilight’s horn from pointing at anypony.

“It’s really tiny.” Sweetie Belle squeaked.

“Aww! A baby buggie!” Pinkie Pie pranced around me.

“That doesn't make it cute.” Rainbow Dash opined.

“Settle down, now.” Applejack begged.

“Mark! Get out of the way!” Twilight ordered again.

“No!” I fumed.

“That thing’s dangerous!” She shouted.

“So am I!” Reaching into the deepest reserves of my lungs, my roar shook the ground and caused the silk drapes around the room to sway uneasily. A stunned silence momentarily interrupted the quarrel. Already, it felt as if I had torn my larynx, but I continued, “So was I… and you kept me anyways.”

“Mark…” Rarity stepped forward.

“Did you know that I considered running away?” I swallowed the tingling sensation in my throat. “Two hours on Equestrian soil and I considered running as hard and as fast away from Ponyville as I could. Why? It was the only way I could be sure I’d never taint the story with my interference. I would have done it, too. Instead, you took me in. An alien, a refugee, a carnivore for crying out loud. Twilight, if you adopted Spike and Pinkie adopted Gummy, then what’s so different about us taking in Lilly?”

“They’re all a part of the original plot.” Twilight said icily. “Mark, you’re so bewitched by your own selfish fantasy, you’re not even thinking about us ponies!”

“-And dragon.” Pinkie Pie proffered.

“Just imagine what this… this thing… could do to us! To our lives! You’re willing to risk all your friends and their futures just because you found some monster in the forest? If you really cared about us, you wouldn’t try to change the story like this!”

“I do care about you.” I took a step backwards as if Twilight had thrown a sword through my heart. “But when does caring for you mean that we need to sacrifice a defenseless girl?” Up until that point, I had the distinct impression that Rarity’s family was sympathizing more with Twilight, but as I invited them to see the changeling as a person instead of a creature, their stance wavered. Hondo Flanks pulled Sweetie Belle a little closer, his face softening slightly. I continued,

“Pinkie?”

“Yes?”

“What do you think we should do with a non-canon representative of an exotic and historically violent race with unquantified abilities and a predator's appetite?”

“Say 'hi', silly!”

“And why do you say that?” I smiled knowingly at Twilight.

“Because... Wait, we're still talking about you, right?!” The pinke earth pony poked me in the stomach.

“Yes.” I said pointedly. “We're talking about me. Isn't that right, Twilight?”

“No!” The unicorn’s violet horn blazed and the room descended into commotion once more. A number of bodies moved at once, including my own. With a stifled cry, Lilly was plucked up in my arms and vanished back into the safety of her backpack. Her wide eyes stared at the frenzy boiling around her and panicky wisps of green fire began to flicker along her horn as I continued shouting,

“Because that’s what this comes down to! If you can’t bring yourself to give Lilly a chance, then why should I be any different?”

“Maybe you’re not different after all!” The magic student shouted.

“How can you say that after everything we’ve faced together!” I cried.

“Maybe we don’t need you after all!” Twilight leaned dangerously close to my precious cargo. “All this time I thought you wanted to be our friend, but you’ve only been looking out for yourself!”

“You know that’s not-” Before I could give my throat another round of abuse, a hard orange object plugged up my pie hole. I blinked to see Applejack standing between Twilight an I, a foreleg blockading each of her friend’s mouths. Without the two main competitors barking at each other, a bizarre peace settled over the scene.

“That’s quite enough nonsense from the both of y’all!” She scolded. “Listen to you two, squabblin’ like a pair of roosters who’ve just got their spurs! Now you’re going to get a hold on your tongues ‘fore I get a hold of them for you!” At this, I glanced cross-eyed at the hoof still held firmly in my mouth.

“Arguing isn’t going to fix this any faster.” Rainbow Dash added.

“Worse.” Rarity clicked her tongue. “You two were veering dangerously close to saying things I just know you’ll regret.”

“Just… please don’t get angry at each other.” Fluttershy pleaded.

“This is no way to talk to a friend.” The country mare added with a heavy dollop of finality.

“I quite agree, Applejack.”

I couldn’t express my astonishment on account of the carrot-colored cork in my face, but I could still turn a pair of plate-sized eyes towards the front of the boutique. There, standing motionless save for her rippling mane, was Celestia. For all her imposing stature and glowing presence, nopony had noticed her enter or knew how long she had been watching.

“Princess!” Twilight Sparkle knocked away Applejack’s hoof and dashed over to her mentor. I found it odd that she didn’t sound surprised or even abashed to find the princess in Ponyville. In fact, as the young student trotted up to Celestia, I thought I caught a confident smirk thrown back at me. “Princess! I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Make it?” I echoed. Only then did I realize what Twilight had done. In her panic upon finding such a radical change to her story, Twilight Sparkle hadn’t simply recruited her friends to face me, but had gone right up to the highest authority she knew. She had summoned Princess Celestia, a nigh-literal ‘god of the machine’, to descend upon the quarrel and end it with an overwhelming show of status and power. Twilight wanted her immortal friend to crush me beneath her ages of experience, lecture me about how flippantly I've been abusing the frail threads of destiny and, most likely, convince me to repent of my small-minded error in judgement.

Amusingly, the plan back-fired almost instantly.

“Princess Celestia.” Twilight Sparkle pulled on a mock-stern face as if tattling on a particularly juicy offence. “Mark here decided he could hide a changeling in our city and didn’t even think about telling us whether-”

“I am well aware of the situation.” Celestia nodded curtly. “I am also well aware of the points you made in your arguments.” She glanced down at her young student. “I am also well aware of the unbecoming way you addressed them.”

“Ooooohhhh…” Pinkie Pie whispered. On my part, I remained as still and silent as Mt. Rushmore, choosing to wait and see how this new twist would play out.

“But, but…” Twilight’s ears lowered as she realized, “You heard us just now?” Considering the fact that that Rarity’s light fixtures were still swaying, Celestia took that as a rhetorical question.

“Theatrics aside, let me see if I understand this.” The princess began softly. “Am I to take it that Mark found a changeling in the Everfree Forest and brought it to Fluttershy to tend to? Afterwards, Twilight, you discovered his secret and now you want him to turn it over to authorities?”

“Yes…” The purple pony nodded slowly.

“But he has decided to continue caring for it under his protection?”

“Yes!” Twilight’s eyes snapped back up. “And I can’t think of anything worse!”

“Really?” A musical note, almost a laugh, rang in Celestia’s voice. “I can’t think of anything better.”

“Huh? But-”

“No ‘but’, Twilight. I have already heard your argument and his.”

“Then you know what could happen if that creature stays any longer! You know all the dangers it represents to the future!” Twilight Sparkle glanced around the room, her number of supporters slipping out from under her like Jenga blocks. "... The butterflies!..."

“Indeed.” Celestia said patiently. “And it is a perfect illustration of the burden Mark carries each and every day for your sake.” The princess waited a moment as the full weight of her words settled on her student. Immediately after, though, a wave of kindness filled the alicorn’s eyes. “Twilight, I am going to tell you the same thing that my sister and I told Mark when he explained his unique gift. Equestria’s story is his story now. Our home is his home. For the better, I think. His revelation changes very little, but it does serve to remind us of what must be done.”

“What is that?” Twilight asked somberly.

“Trust,” Celestia said, “and encourage.”

“You think we should just blindly let him do whatever he wants because we need to ‘trust’ him?” The purple unicorn recoiled from the thought as if it were a spoonful of bile.

“On the contrary.” The princess explained. “Trust, because this isn’t a filly's bedtime story. We are still as free as ever before and our choices are still as important as ever before. I trust the choices Mark makes, but not even he is omniscient and every day he has spent in Equestria was a day spent facing the very fears that now haunt you. He needs support. He needs his friends, now more than ever. Trust and encourage. Trust, because he knows much. Encourage, because he does not know everything.”

“So where does that leave this… this changeling?” The magic student glanced back to where I was standing as expressionless as Rarity’s mannequins.

“The timing could not have been better.” Celestia beamed at the room of astonished faces around her. “Especially after the wedding, Mark needs to remember how limited his gift is. This changeling is that reminder.” With a single step towards me, the white alicorn indicated me and my backpack. “Mark? Would you kindly introduce me to your new friend?”

“Of course…” With shaking fingers, I opened the bag to see a little white unicorn filly with short pink locks staring up at me. Gently, and ignoring the gasps from Cookie Crumbles, I scooped out the copy of Sweetie Belle and cradled it over my shoulder. A rustling noise circled the room like a prowling breeze. Sweetie Belle herself looked at her doppelganger with a mouth dangling so low it almost brushed the floor.

There was no mistaking my Lilly, though. The figure in my arms clutched my shoulder tightly, her bright green eyes flitting over the ring of surprised and critical faces around her. Even as she twisted to stare at the spectators, I couldn’t help but notice a flaw on this copy of Sweetie Belle; a pale scar upon her neck, a jagged gash running behind the left ear.

“Hey…” I whispered to Lilly. “Hey, look over here. Don’t look at them. Look at me.” Finally, I caught the changeling’s eyes. “That’s right. Look at me. You’re alright. I promised, remember? You’re safe. You don’t have to hide, you’re safe.”

The green eyes flickered aquamarine and the body of the white unicorn filly began to burn with green magic flames. Before long, I was holding the sleek black form of an infant changeling. Fresh sounds of unrest came from all parties, astonishment from those who had never seen a changeling disguise before, and skepticism from those who were all-too-familiar with it.

“Thank you, Mark.” Celestia glided forward as gracefully as a swan over a lake, lowering her voice and tucking away her wings to look less imposing. With a silent glance up at me, she gestured towards the changeling. In reply, I could only nod dumbly and watch.

“Hello.” The princess’s voice was barely more than a whisper. “I’m Princess Celestia. What’s your name?” Lilly refused to look up at the radiant alicorn, but muttered,

“… Celestia… What's your name?” Then, in my voice, she added, “Her name’s Lilly.”

“Lilly? That’s a lovely name.” The princess smiled.

“So pretty…” The changeling muttered.

“You can’t call her L-”

“Shhh!” Rainbow Dash but Twilight off with a leer.

“Lilly, do you know where you are?” Celestia asked. The infant, however, gave no reply. “Do you know where your home is? Where you come from?” Still no reply. When the princess tried again, her words were so soft, so tender, that they almost carried a note of sadness in them, “Do you know where your mommy is? Or your daddy?” The changeling still remained mute.

“Princess,” Twilight Sparkle tried again, “Even if it’s too young to know anything, it’s still too dangerous to keep. It’s an exponentially disruptive variable, but besides that, you saw how it copied Sweetie Belle just now. What if-”

“Mark…” Lilly said.

“Hm? What was that?” Celestia invited.

“Mark… is daddy.” The little girl explained. Everypony blinked at this unexpected response. Twilight stared at me pointedly as if to accuse me of training the changeling to say that, but I just shook my head. My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. Instead, it was Lilly who spoke again,

“To be a daddy means he loves her, he takes care of her, and he protects her. He’s a big part of a lady’s life because he promised to always be there for her no matter what.” She recited my simplistic definition. “Mark is daddy.”

“I didn’t teach her that.” I gulped, smiling weakly.

“On the contrary.” Celestia winked. “I think you did. By example.” The princess turned back to her pupil with a twinkle in her eye. “Now Twilight, who am I to take a little girl from her daddy?”

The purple unicorn didn’t answer immediately, instead taking a moment to weigh the expressions everypony else wore. All of them had a tinge of worry, a hint of fear of the unknown, but only enough as was healthy when dealing with new species. Overall, the balance had swayed in Lilly’s favor, with most ponies looking at her with sympathy or even admiration. Eventually, even Twilight Sparkle’s rallying cry of ‘butterfly effect’ crumbled and she looked up at me helplessly.

“I can’t believe it…” She grimaced as if her tongue was a clump of wormwood. “… but I guess this is happening.”

“Yay!” Pinkie Pie leapt into the air and floated there. “Lilly stays! Lilly stays! Lilly-” I probably would have joined the pink pony if I wasn’t holding the most precious thing in the world at that moment. However, Twilight was quick to criticize,

“But Ponyville already has a ‘Lily’!”

“That’s why Mark spelt it with two ‘llll’s!” Pinkie continued floating, unconcerned. “Well, technically three ‘llll’s, but two 'llll's where the second 'llll' should be.”

“That’s… Actually right.” I admitted. “How did you know that?”

“Must've seen it written down somewhere.” Pinkie Pie glanced up and smiled.

“I’m curious about the name as well.” Celestia inclined her head toward the bundle in my arms. “Why ‘Lilly’?” I smiled down at the changeling.

“On Earth, lilies are a symbol of natural beauty. I wanted her to know that I thought she was lovely just the way she is. But beyond that,” I glanced apologetically at Twilight’s sulking figure, “They are also a symbol of tranquility. Specifically, peace in the face of worry. From the saying, ‘… Consider the lilies of the field. They do not toil or spin, but not even Solomon in all his glory was clothed like one of these… Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.’.”

“Indeed.” Celestia pondered that for a moment. When she opened her wings again, it almost looked as if she was brushing a great weight off Twilight’s shoulders. “That should be a reminder to all of you. The future is never certain, but that’s no reason to give it power over us.”

“I understand.” The student replied quietly.

(It was such a touching scene, I didn’t have the heart to explain that ‘Lilly’ could also be short for ‘Lilith’. Just as a ‘mark’ could represent a badge or a curse, Lilly’s name could refer to a flower or a succubus. It was her choice, and her name would always serve me as a note to be cautious around the changeling. No matter how innocent she seemed in that moment, only time would tell what she would become.)

“I must agree with Twilight, though.” Rarity piped up. “It seems a rather short name and confusion is simply inevitable what with two Lilies in town.”

“Ok, then…” I pondered for a moment. “How about ‘Lilly Limn’?”

“Limb?” Rainbow Dash chuckled.

“Not ‘limb’, ‘limn’!” Pinkie Pie cleared everything up.

“’Limn’ is the verb for painting or sketching.” I explained. “And, for better or worse, this changeling is going to limn the ponies around her. It’s inevitable that one day, she’s going to grow up as a representation of the world as she was treated.”

“Could’ve just called her ‘mirror’…” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

"Briliant!" My eyes almost rolled off my face. "Why didn't I think of that?"

“Awesome! What a cute and fun name!” Pinkie Pie extolled. “Oh, Lilly Limn, you’re the second luckiest girl in the world right now! I’m first, because I get to give you your first Welcome-to-Ponyville Party!” The bouncing earth pony reached into her airy mane and produced a vibrant pink cupcake. “Or do you want the full-sized cake?” She started fishing around in her hair again, but I stopped her.

“Uh, Pinkie? She doesn’t eat solids. Only liquids.”

“Whaaa…?” I thought I could hear the sound of clockwork coming from Pinkie’s ears as she considered this new information. There was a slight ‘ding’, like an egg timer going off, and the earth pony had a novel solution. “Well, then, if you can’t have cupcakes, then how about a welcome-to-Ponyville cupshake?”

“Eep!” Rarity sidestepped just in time to avoid the bolt of pink lightning that shot off towards her kitchen. “Pinkie? What are you doing in there? Pinkie! Put that down! That’s my blender! You’re getting frosting everywhere!”

“I don’t have to remind you what a big responsibility you’re taking on, Mark.” Celestia mused as if she didn’t notice the fiasco in the kitchen. “This may not be a temporary arrangement and you may very well be caring for Lilly indefinitely. As if tending fillies isn’t complicated enough, changelings are a very... sensitive issue right now. Suffice to say that a rather impressive mountain of paperwork awaits me back in Canterlot. Still, I trust all the ponies here to handle this situation… delicately.” She glanced toward the corner where Rarity’s mother and father stood with Sweetie Belle. Previously silent, they hastily bowed and assured,

“No trouble here, princess! We won’t say a thing!” Hondo Flanks wiggled his moustache.

“If the princess says it’s all right, then of course we’ll make this little critter feel welcome, right, hon?” Cookie Crumbles still looked anxious, but put on a brave face for the princess.

“Is Lilly going to come to school?” Sweetie Belle had already found another simple question with no easy answer. The idea of her baby going to school side-by-side with a changeling caused Cookie to grimace as if she had just swallowed an eel, but she said nothing.

“We’ll… cross that bridge when we come to it.” I assured. “Probably not for a while.”

“… Lucky.” The unicorn filly pouted.

“Well, then, if everything’s… sufficiently sorted,” Rarity appeared at the door to her kitchen, a tea set levitating behind her and a drop of icing on her cheek, “I just happen to have a fresh pot of tea here. What’s say we welcome our newest member properly?”

Her proposal was met with hearty cheers and the mood of our gathering instantly lightened. Pinkie Pie mysteriously produced a package of jam cookies, Applejack found a bottle of cranberry juice for Lilly, Rarity set up an additional table and even Celestia agreed to stay for a few minutes longer. But no face brightened more so than Fluttershy’s, who took turns holding Lilly for me while I answered the endless stream of questions directed towards the changeling. Only Twilight refused to join the conversation, silently stewing her thoughts as she nursed her tea.

Eventually, the party ended and each of my friends wandered back to wherever they had been before the emergency meeting. Finally, only the purple unicorn remained along with Spike, Lilly and myself. The door to Rarity’s boutique closed behind us and Twilight Sparkle finally broke her silence, nudging me gently on the elbow.

“Hey, Mark?”

“Yeah, Twi?”

“I’m… I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about the way I acted earlier.” Her ears were folded back in a blend of shame and embarrassment. “The princess is right. You’re already a part of our story and… and I’m glad you are.”

“And I’m sorry if my recent actions seemed selfish.” I added. “I’m sure this could have all gone smoother if I had just trusted you a bit more.”

"No, I was selfish." Her response caught me off guard. " All this time I was losing my head over 'butterfly effects', and I never once realized that you've been fighting them every day since I met you... Thank you... for that."

A moment passed where Twilight and I merely stared at each other, both trying to find what to say next. The pony was the one to break the silence,

“So, then… Adopting a filly, huh?” She exhaled sharply and cast an affectionate glance behind her to where Spike was sitting on her back. “That’s a big step. Are you sure you’re up to it?”

“I don’t know. Probably not.” I admitted. “I don’t know if I can be the Kiritsugu to Shirou, the Odin to Loki, the Xavier to Raven, the Professor Utonium to the Power Puff Girls, the Gru to Margo and Edith and Agnes, the Mimic to Shantae, the Mordecai to Esther, the Bruce Wane to Robin, or even…” My throat choked up, “… or even the Kirito to Yui.”

“Well, at least you won’t have to do it alone.” Twilight shrugged resignedly. “I've got plenty of books on the subject! Not to mention, Lilly has at least six pony aunts and a dragon big brother to make sure you don't ruin her.”

“Aunts?” I looked down at my friend, not sure if I was more astonished or grateful.

“Of course.” The unicorn didn't look at me. “After all, someone has to save you from your good intentions… ‘dad’.” She tossed her head and began trotting down the road back into town. “For now, let’s just head back home.”

“Let’s just head back home.” I agreed.

Author's Note

Seriously, though, did I forget to reference any face-swappers?

Taking eye medication, so I fully expect more typos than normal. PM-ing in such situations is just courteous.

Ch 18: The Cold and the Frozen

Chapter 18
The Cold and the Frozen

The young hero locked his jaw and leered at the foe standing above him. He leered through the fear choking his breath. He leered through the fury clouding his eyes. He leered through the pain of his severed hand.

Beneath him swirled the vast, empty sky, the abyss that had so recently consumed his weapon and his limb. Before him stood the dark lord, his fiery sword burning with blood-red light. And yet, death had not come. At the moment of victory, at the pinnacle of triumph, when the young knight was wounded and without a weapon or friends, the black emperor had hesitated. Why?

“I’ll never join you!” The hero spat through gritted teeth. He had sworn to defeat the ruthless Empire, and even on his knees, the very idea of surrendering to those murderers and thieves filled him with revulsion. As if to mock his nobility, the dark lord taunted,

“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.” Black metal clinked on the walkway as the nightmarish figure strode forward. In a voice of mild amusement, the tyrant added, “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”

“He told me enough!” The young knight hissed, the painful memories of his mentor’s death boiling afresh in his mind. “He told me you killed him!”

The nightmare hesitated. Behind his ghoulish mask, the dark lord’s voice had suddenly become quiet. A note tainted his voice. Something at once nostalgic and pained. Regret?

“No…” Darth Vader whispered. “I am your father…”

“WWHAAAT!?” Lilly and Spike screamed together, tumbling backwards over the edge of the bed. Watching them, one would think that plot twists should come with helmet warnings. I smiled at their reaction, daring to think that maybe, just maybe, I had done justice to the single most iconic plot twist in cinema history. Only Twilight Sparkle remained unimpressed.

“Saw that coming.” She murmured over the top of her own book.

“No you didn’t!” I challenged, “Wait, you did? How?”

“Simple, really,” The purple pony gave herself a satisfied grin, “’Darth Vader’ is just an articulate corruption of ‘dark father’.”

“Nnooo,” I paused thoughtfully. “It’s-” an English corruption of the German corruption, of a Latin corruption of those words, corrupted over a couple centuries. At least, that’s what I would have liked to say, but then she and I would spend the next ten minutes arguing over whether we were currently speaking English or Equestrian, (and she had evidence that Equestrian was older) so instead, I just resigned, “Actually, I guess you’re right.”

“Also,” She continued, “Remember how Luke Skywalker saw himself under Vader’s mask after fighting him in the cave of illusions? Foreshadowing.”

“That was foreshadowing?” I bit my lip uncertainly. “I always thought it was a metaphorical journey into Luke’s fears and how easily he could slip down the path to the Dark Side.”

“So wait,” Spike’s head reappeared alongside the bed, “Is Darth Vader really Luke’s father?”

“No. He can’t be.” Lilly’s head appeared alongside the dragon’s. Seeing the two of them side-by-side, I had a fleeting impression of a pair of sock puppets. “He just told him that so that, so that Luke will come to the Dark Side!”

“What happened next, Mark?” Spike and Lilly both turned towards me expectantly.

“Don’t worry, I was just about to tell you…” Pause for dramatic effect. “… tomorrow night.”

“NNNOOO!” The dragon and the changeling wailed.

“Yeeesss, I know, I know, it’s a travesty, but it’s time for bed, guys.” I pulled myself to my feet.

“You can’t leave us hanging like that!” Spike pleaded.

“You, and Luke, will just have to endure the cliffhanger.” I took mild satisfaction in how apt my metaphor was. “For now, you can help me make Twilight’s bed again. You guys made a mess.”

“Ok…” Spike slid to the floor and began helping me pull the sheets taut.

“I will say, though, your story took quite a dark turn.” I may never understand how Twilight Sparkle could hold a conversation and read at the same time. “Did Luke really have to lose a hand?”

“Don’t worry, it comes in ‘hand’-y later.” I sniggered, smoothing out the bed’s wrinkles.

“You don’t think Lilly’s a little young for ‘hand’-icapped heroes?” Twilight volleyed back.

“I ‘finger’ it’s inspirational.” That one was a stretch. “Sure, it ‘left’ Luke in a bind, but things will turn out all ‘right’ in the end.”

“Really, Mark? Really?” The purple pony tried to bury her smirk behind her book.

“Hehe!” Spike tossed me a thumbs-up.

“There’s practically an entire genre devoted to heroes who lost their limbs.” I continued. “It symbolizes strength of character. And besides, I figure Lilly could… relate.” My voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper.

Even after a month, Lilly’s gossamer wings remained as shredded and torn as the day I’d first found her. (And no, I’m not talking about the paper-versus-scissors look that all the other changelings were sporting.) During her time in Ponyville, the little scamp had grown by leaps and bounds, doubling in size and adopting fluent Equestrian, but the changeling remained earthbound. Up until that point, she had never expressed disappointment in her damaged wings, but I had noticed her exercising them more and more, beating them uselessly against the air like a chicken with dreams of the sky. The way I saw it, she might turn out like Dot from ‘Bug’s Life’, or Scootaloo. I just didn’t want her to be disappointed.

“Where is she, anyway?” I checked around my ankles, where the changeling could usually be found, but the critter was nowhere to be seen.

“She went downstairs.” Spike explained. “I think she mentioned getting a drink of water.”

“Water?” I echoed. “I’ve got a glass of it right h-” The words died on my tongue. “You know what? That’s a honey alert.”

“Honey alert.” Twilight said resignedly, slapping her book shut and pulling herself to her hooves.

“Honey alert!” Spike echoed, forming up with Twilight and I.

“You guys start in the lab. I’ll check the cupboard.” Together, the three of us descended the stairs and rapidly split off into our separate search zones.

I made a beeline for the kitchen where I quickly found the pantry door and the ‘filly-proof’ lock thereon. The cheap device had advertised protection against earth ponies, pegasi, and novice unicorns, but against mischievous changelings, the clip-on lock was little more than a bulky decoration for the door knob. A moment later, I flung the pantry open to find that, sure enough, the jar of apple-blossom honey was missing.

“Clever girl…” I smirked, spinning on my heel.

Back in the Library’s main hall, there was no sign of Lilly or the wayward jar of honey, but seeing as the basement was already being searched, I knew that my quarry must either be taking refuge in the bathroom or the guest room. Without a moment to lose, I pushed my way into the spare bedroom. What met my eyes was a dark room, an open window, and a baby dragon.

“Mark!” Spike gestured helplessly at the ajar pane of glass. “She got outside!”

“What?” I strode past the dragon. “She’s never done that before.”

“I couldn’t stop her.” Spike apologized.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. She’s-” Slippery.

Just as I leaned forward to investigate the window and the dark town beyond, a sudden epiphany shot through me like a caffeinated Energizer bunny. As fast as thought, I whirled around just in time to see ‘Spike’ pulling a jar of honey out from behind the trash can. In the light of the doorway, I also had a clear view of a nasty scar running behind the dragon’s left ear.

“That dragon’s a spy!” I leveled an accusing finger like a jousting lance.

“No!” Lilly’s voice sounded from Spike’s throat. She leapt out of the room just as my fingers closed around the spot where she had been standing an instant before. The changeling plunged into the library with me hot on her dragon tail, the purple skin already burning away like newspaper. She shot forward, doubling down on all four hooves while I followed as best I could, bent half-over as if wrangling an escaped turkey. Lilly finally skipped off a table and leapt for the bookshelves, her transparent wings beating frantically. Her lithe body soared through the air like Willy the orca, leaping to freedom, knowing that if she could successfully scale the walls, I wouldn’t be able to follow.

“That’s enough.” Twilight flung a bolt of pink magic indifferently from the basement stairway. The writhing light caught the changeling mid-air, freezing her in place as if someone had pushed a ‘pause’ button.

“Gotcha!” I cheered, snatching the changeling out of the air.

“Keeee!” She whistled like a fire truck. “No! No, no, no, no, no…” The changeling thrashed defiantly as I playfully subdued her (and deftly plucked the offending jar of honey out of her telekinesis).

“I thought I told you, no honey before bed.” My voice deepened without becoming gruff. “You know how hyper you get.”

“No!” Lilly continued to wriggle desperately, paralyzed beneath my onslaught of tickling.

“You mean she’s not hyper right now?” Spike yawned from behind Twilight’s leg.

“I’m not so sure she’s doing it for the honey anymore.” The unicorn looked at the scene critically, shaking her head. “It’s all a game to her now, Mark. You really shouldn’t encourage her like that.”

“Right. You heard Twilight. No fun allowed.” I adopted a mock-stern tone.

“That’s not what I-” Twilight puffed out her cheeks and stomped a hoof.

“She’s absolutely right, though.” Slowly, I tried to guide the giggling changeling back down to sobriety. “Playtime’s over. It’s time for bed, Lilly.”

“No bed!” The filly tried to rebel.

“Yes bed!” In a single bearhug, I ended the unsuccessful resistance. “Don’t you want to grow up big and strong?”

“… Yes.” Lilly finally broke her ‘no’s.

“Well, big and strong ponies know how important a good night’s sleep is.” I concluded. “And so should you, little lady.”

“He’s right.” Twilight Sparkle trotted forward. “Your body does more growing while you’re asleep.”

Beneath our waves of irrefutable proof that sleep was a good thing, Lilly finally caved.

“Ok…” She sighed. “But song first?”

“A song?” I rolled my eyes and groaned good-humoredly. “All right, what were you in the mood for? Ponyphonic or Forest Rain?”

“Ponyphonic!”

“Good choice.” I smirked, leaving Twilight and Spike behind me as I closed the door to the guest room. (Not that I have anything against Forest Rain, but singing ‘Great to be Different’ as a changeling’s lullaby gets preachy if overused.) So, that evening, I lulled my energetic friend off to sleep with some good ‘ol ‘Lullaby for a Princess’.

Before closing my own eyes, I took a moment to empty my pockets of the crinkled fistfuls of notebook paper I’d accumulated throughout that day. Each one carried a sketch, a sentence, or even just a word, each one serving as a little observation that I’d made of Lilly, a haphazard attempt to document her rapid growth. I finally crawled into bed, futilely promising myself (for the seventh time in as many days) that I’d write them down in a proper report when I had a spare moment. Perhaps tomorrow.

***

‘… of course, the most iconic and unique facet of changeling physiology would have to be their metabolism. It has long been rumored that changelings ‘feed’ on love, even to the point of impersonating friends and family to get it, but the exact mechanism has continued to baffle scientists, magicians, and alchemists for years.’

I paused, frowning at the scroll in front of me as if it were a Sudoku block. Finally, I decided to scratch out ‘baffle’ and replace it with ‘elude’.

‘Based on my observations of Lilly’s growth and behavior, I postulate that the majority of a changeling’s appetite is sated by from harvesting ambient aura radiated off a host.’

Not unlike the babel fish feasting on stray brain waves from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but I couldn’t rely on Earth references in a dissertation. Instead, I wrote,

‘Not unlike how a coil of wire can harvest ambient magnetic fields, effectively ‘digesting’ it into an electric current. In a similar manner, changelings seem to have a passive ability wherein they absorb aura from their environment and adopt it to their own wavelength for sustenance. This would explain their need to remain as close, physically and emotionally, to their host as possible. At her current stage in life, Lilly Limn has been observed not only surviving, but thriving on the affection of a single caretaker.’

Myself. Up to that point, playing host to my own baby Metroid had been an oddly painless experience. So painless, in fact, that it had taken me weeks to realize how she was ‘feeding’ at all. For the first few days, I was afraid I’d need to sate her appetite in a vampiric Audrey-II sort of way, but instead it seemed that my friend fed solely off a diet of hugs and snuggles. The only real side effect I’d noticed was how much sounder I slept. A night curled up with my little Lilly found us both waking up refreshed and ready to tackle the day like a football player auditioning for the Draft. I chuckled and put pen to paper once more.

‘It is worth noting, however, that even though spirit aura can sustain them, a changeling’s body still requires basic necessities to remain healthy. Without a conventional digestive tract, however, this usually means that the changeling is restricted to nutrient-rich liquids. Specifically, sugary fruit juices, and water for basic hydration.’

Lilly had stopped drinking milk after the second day in Ponyville and had limited herself almost exclusively to juice packs and Pinkie Pie’s ‘cupshakes’. And honey, of course.

‘The byproduct of such a metabolism is almost as remarkable and unique as the body that produces it. After careful study of the transparent green liquid secreted from Lilly’s body, I have concluded that it is digestive dross, a combination of bodily chemicals and exhausted magic aura. Physical polymers suspended in a magical viscous humour. Literally, the ectoplasm slime from Ghost Busters.’

With a sad sigh and a shake of my head, I blotted out that last line.

‘I have taken to calling this pseudo-physical compound GLASS.’

“GLASS?” Twilight finished reading my paper with an expression more critical than a headshot. “You’re calling her waste ‘glass’?”

“It’s an acronym.” I explained casually, wiping splotches of ink off my wrist.

“For what?”

“Green Liquid And Solid Stuff.”

“How… apt.” Perhaps Twilight Sparkle wanted to share with me a more fitting scientific term, but in that moment, her imagination failed her.

Neither of us would soon forget the day Lilly first started producing the terminology-defying ‘stuff’. The morning our young changeling had waddled up to the breakfast table with tears in her eyes and green jelly running down her neck. Veins of the mysterious snot were oozing from her mouth and nostrils like acid from a Pandora skag, and a trail of incriminating hoofprints guided us right back to Twilight’s bathroom where we found the place slathered in green goo as if Shadow Mario had come to town. Fortunately, the stuff was mostly just metaphysical magic and evaporated upon being hit with a disruptive aura wave. In layman’s terms, Twilight blasted it. And just like that, we had solved another changeling mystery. The identity of the mysterious substance used for tying up ponies the day of the invasion: changeling bogies.

Twilight held up my work again and critiqued,

“As much as I appreciate the effort you’re putting into your report, Mark,” I groaned with my here-we-go-again inflection, “your tone is still far from objective. You keep calling your subject by name. Why don’t you just say ‘the subject’?”

“But that’s the point.” I emphasized. “She’s not just a test subject, she’s a real person and a-”

“Twilight!” Spike cried from the top of the stairs. “Lilly’s playing in the inkwells again!”

“-little scamp!” I pulled myself to my feet. “I’m sorry, Twilight.”

“You’d best assess the damage.” The unicorn sighed. “And if you’re going to scold her, remember what the book said.”

“Right.” I nodded. “She’s not a bad filly, she just did a bad thing.” Mentally preparing myself for the worst, I quickly ascended the stairs and looked towards one of Twilight Sparkle’s many writing caches. It came as no surprise when I found the room splattered with ink as if someone had just stabbed a horcrux with a basilisk tooth. The scene was populated by two very agitated baby dragons yelling at each other.

“Stop copying me!”

“No! You stop it!”

“I’m the real Spike!”

“No you’re not! You’re just trying to get out of trouble!”

“I’m not the one who painted the floor black!”

“Yes you were! I saw you!”

“… Hoo boy…” It wasn’t the mess that caused my head to suddenly throb like a watermelon in a vice, but the fact that my terrible tot was trying to avoid the consequences of her actions. With more than a little dismay in my tone, I began, “Look, Lilly, we talked about this. Twilight’s stuff is off-limits, remember? That’s not yours. If you wanted to draw, you should have just used your crayons. What happened to your crayons?”

The pair of Spikes didn’t flinch, but instead continued scowling at each other as if waiting for the other to give themselves away. Whichever one was Lilly, I couldn’t help but admire her poker face. The last time I had asked a question in her general direction, she had dropped the facade immediately. A filly’s learning curve is a terrifying thing.

“She melted them.” One of the dragons grumbled.

“You mean you melted them!” The other said dourly.

“Alright…” The invisible vice on my temples tightened as I tried to imagine how Solomon would solve this conundrum. I stooped to the floor and picked up two empty inkwells, pretending to begin cleanup. “Would one of you please grab some rags while the other gets a book on how to remove stains?”

“I’ll get the book!” The Spike to my left perked up. “I know where that is.”

“Alright them.” I tried to hide my smile. “Oh, and before you go,” Without warning, I tossed the two black bottles at the pair of dragons. They both let out yips of surprise, but one of them brought up his claws to catch the projectile. The other caught her bottle in her mouth.

“You see, Lilly,” Instead of scolding, my expression toward the Spike on my right was low and patient. “One of you is obviously a librarian’s assistant. And he’s a little more dexterous than you. Remember what Applejack said, the truth will always come out in the end.”

“Am I in trouble?” The fake Spike burned away, leaving behind the very picture of penitence. Before my resolve could waver, I nodded.

“Yes. Yes, you are. You need to apologize to Twilight for taking her things without permission. That’s stealing, and it’s a very bad thing.” I added a couple more gees of gravity to my tone as I added, “But the worst thing was trying to lie about it. Lies are very dangerous and they can get you or somepony else seriously hurt. You’re not a liar, are you?”

“No…” (Please, spare me the irony that she’s a face-swapper by birth.)

“You’re going to be disciplined, but now you know better. As long as you’re honest and do what’s right, I’ll never have to discipline you. Ok?”

“Ok…” Lilly pawed at the ground.

“Alright then!” I clapped my hands, more than pleased with the results of my Veggie Tale indoctrination. “Let’s get this all cleaned up for Twilight Sparkle, ok?”

“So, do I still have to help even if it’s not my mess?” Spike asked, already leaning for the stairs.

“Why, thank you for volunteering, Spike! We would love some help.” Hearing my dad’s voice come out of my mouth was not a welcome experience so I quickly added, “I’m kidding, sorry. I mean, not to imply, but we could use some help. That is, if you don’t mind.” I grimaced. The dragon grimaced too, but I quickly learned that it wasn’t because of the extra chores.

“Bwuuurrrp!” The veins in his neck popped out like bowstrings as his body went rigid as a great ball of fire leapt out of his throat. Lilly and I froze in place as the magic flames coalesced into the shape of a floating scroll. Upon the front of the paper was a large golden seal. Celestia’s personal crest.

“Hey, Twilight?” I called down into the library.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve got mail!” The AOL guy was a staple of my childhood. My lips strained to remain pulled over my teeth as I watched Spike curiously inspect the front of the scroll. Taking care of Lilly over the past month had eased the hiatus, but there was still a Season 3 premier I had been waiting for, and seeing Celestia’s letter lit all my pent-up anticipation ablaze like a fire on an oil rig.

The Crystal Empire had returned.

“What was that?” Twilight appeared on the flight of stairs.

“Spike has something for you.” I sing-songed, trying not to dance in place.

“Well, what is it?”

“Oh, probably something important.” The Crystal Empire. “Something urgent.” The Crystal Empire. “Something exciting.” The Empire of Crystal.

“It’s… not for Twilight.” The little dragon frowned to himself. “It’s for you, Mark.”

“… What?” My speeding train of thought hit an iron blockade, derailed, and jackknifed upon itself.

“From Princess Celestia.” Spike insisted, holding the letter out for me.

“For me? What does she want to see me for?”

“Is everything ok?” Twilight studied my face like an almanac. “You sound surprised.”

“I have no idea what this is about.” I admitted.

“Are you in trouble?” Lilly wondered.

“I hope not.” My eyebrows lifted inquiringly.

“Well, I have a brilliant idea.” Twilight Sparkle offered.

“Oh? What’s that?”

“READ IT!” The purple pony barked like a chihuahua.

“Ok, ok. Just… let me savor this, I mean, a letter from the princess? That’s- I feel like this is such a big deal. Wow! So prestigious. Is this how you feel all the time, Twi?”

“MARK!”

“I’m teasing!” I pacified, looking at the ring of expectant faces around me. With a deliberate motion, I popped open the seal and began to read.

“Well?” My lavender friend leaned forward, her bright eyes as wide as punch bowls. It wasn’t every day we received letters from the Princess, and it was the first time she’d ever employed Spike to deliver to me specifically. Something about the scenario felt urgent, fishy, but as I pulled the paper away from my face, all I reported was,

“She’s inviting me to tea.”

“Tea?” Everypony echoed.

“Yeah. Says here, ‘Cordially invited… yada, yada, yada… Her Royal Highnesses… more yada…”

“Yoda?” Lilly cocked her head.

“Lilly’s welcome as well… some blah blah blah… Captain Shining Armor…”

“My brother too?” A flash of purple light snatched the letter from my fingers so fast, it took some of my epidermis along with it. Twilight Sparkle perused the letter for a moment, but her reaction was the same as mine. For as fishy as the situation smelled, (actually, the paper had an elegant hint of rosemary to it) the letter was remarkably generic.

“Tea with the princesses.” I summarized. “More than one, apparently.”

“I guess Cadance and Shining Armor are back from their honeymoon, then.” Twilight added. She glanced back up at me and sheepishly returned the letter. “Are you sure you don’t know what this might be about? You looked kind of… excited… there for a moment.”

“Yeah… I thought. Hmm.” I paused before finally tapping my nose with my finger. “Well, you know. Spoilers.”

“Right.” Twilight nodded sagaciously. “You should probably keep those to yourself. For now, though, you’ve got a train to catch.”

“Mmhmm.” I continued looking at my invitation as if there was something written just under its surface. “Come on, Lilly. We’re going out.”

“Going out!” The changeling dutifully echoed. In a flash of green fire, she became a tiny white unicorn with bouncing pink locks. Sweetie Belle was the only filly in Lilly’s repertoire, but at least she could maintain the illusion indefinitely and that’s what mattered most when venturing out in public.

“And, Twilight?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes?”

“In case this is ‘something’, would you mind checking in with Rarity for me?” I rolled the scroll back up thoughtfully. “I put in an order for a new winter coat.”

***

The train ride was uneventful, aside from an old mare’s purse dog sniffing curiously at ‘Sweetie Belle’, and once we had stepped off onto Canterlot Station, we were immediately greeted by a valet and ushered into a waiting carriage. Although there was nothing out of place with being offered a taxi when summoned to the palace, my feelings of curiosity began to stir once more. The only times I’d been invited to speak with the princesses had been more like interviews than social calls and the topics of our conversations usually involved technology arcs rather than casual inquiries about my health.

My working theory was that I had been called there about Lilly. Obviously, the princesses would want to know how she was adapting to pony life without drawing too much attention by traveling to Ponyville themselves. Since the changeling was also a matter of Equestrian security, it would also explain why the other pony who was supposed to be attending that meeting was,

“Shining Armor!” My face brightened as the doors to the palace swung open and I found myself facing the famous former-bachelor. “Good to see you!”

“Likewise.” To my surprise, the unicorn didn’t return my enthusiasm. In fact, he didn’t return any enthusiasm. In fact, his face was as sobering as a bucket of stale water.

“How are you?” I continued, unhampered. “I see you’re back from your honeymoon. Hard to believe it’s already been a month, huh? Did you and the missus enjoy yourselves?”

“It was relaxing, yes.” He answered as starchily as a potato.

“Is everything all right?” I asked, taken aback.

“Of course.” The chiseled brow nodded curtly. “Thanks to you, the kingdom is at peace once more.”

“Okay…” So, would you mind explaining why you’re about as cheerful as a glacier with a hangover? “I suppose I just didn’t expect an invitation from Celestia out of the blue. I’m not sure what the occasion is.”

“Princess Celestia,” Extra emphasis on the title, “has invited you to join her for afternoon tea.”

No kidding, Hercule Poirot? I tried to hold a steady gaze.

“Though, I suppose even your ‘talents’ wouldn’t prepare you for a minor event like this, would they?” Shining Armor continued. “I’ll make a note of that.” He caught my raised eyebrow and explained, “Yes, I have already been briefed by the princesses about your special outlook on our timeline. Your efforts at the wedding, at least, are appreciated.”

Could’ve fooled me.

“Shining Ar-”

“Captain.” He cut me off like a guillotine.

“Captain, if you don’t mind me asking, what is the atmosphere at this tea party? I don’t want to appear too casual if the situation calls for formality, you know?” Reading between the lines, a perceptive person might be able to deduce that what I was really saying was, ‘hey, man, you used to be a lot more fun to be around, so who lodged a broom handle up your butt?’.

“That is for the princesses to determine, I suppose.” The white unicorn continued to watch me carefully. “Still, we expect you to remember basic courtesies. The same goes for your friend there.” His eyes locked on Lilly like a cat on a laser pointer.

“That’s right, you haven’t met Lilly yet, have you? Say ‘hi’, Lilly.” I stepped aside ever so slightly to expose the young changeling sheltering behind my leg. She looked up at Shining Armor with Sweetie Belle’s face, but her expression was completely her own. Lilly didn’t warm up to strangers easily, and the captain’s frosty demeanor wasn’t helping in the least.

“… Hello.” The changeling’s green eyes darted up and down the armored figure before her. Then, introductions finished, she ducked behind my leg once more.

“Don’t worry.” I assured the unicorn. “She might take some time to warm up, but when she does, she’s a real rascal.”

“I was only recently made aware of your guest.” Shining Armor added uneasily. “I shouldn’t have to tell you that I don’t want that thing in the palace, but the princess has allowed it. Remember, you are here as a guest and you will keep it under control or I will be forced to intervene.” Call me cynical, but I almost got the impression that he was daring me.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave her in Ponyville.” I tried to bury my twinge of anger under a foamy layer of chuckling. “She’s kind of imprinted on me. Hasn’t left my side for weeks. Kind of awkward, actually, especially when you find out they can phasewalk through bathroom doors-”

“I have already been briefed on why its presence is necessary, thank you.”

Well, you’re just as briefed as a warehouse full of underwear, aren’t you? Before I could say anything snide, however, our conversation was interrupted by a ringing call from within the palace.

“Shining Armor? Is everything all right? The princesses are waiting for us.” The voice was light and musical, and wafted into the entrance hall like a spring breeze. Princess Cadance appeared at the far end of the room like a flower blossom, and when she saw me, a sweet smile sprouted across her cheeks. “Oh! Mister Mark! You made it.”

“Good afternoon, Princess Cadance.” I returned the smile with a bow. “So nice to see you again.”

“Again?” The pink alicorn cantered up beside her husband, visibly thawing his posture. “It wasn’t much of a meeting last time.” She had a point. Glimpsing somepony from across a war-torn chapel didn’t really count as a propper introduction.

“Oh? Oh, that’s right! I suppose this is my first time meeting the real you, isn’t it?” I made a gesture at my useless brain. “Sorry, it’s been a minute.”

“A minute too long.” Cadance perked up. “It’s really an honor to meet you, Mister Mark. I should have sent a letter, but I really wanted to thank you in person for everything you’ve done for us. For Equestria, really.” Beside her, Shining Armor set his jaw in a firm line, but the princess pretended not to notice.

“P-please, that’s not necessary…” I felt my cheeks burning. “I was just in the wrong place at the right time…” With a shrug, as if to deflect the princess’s glowing thanks, I extended a hand and offered, “Well, anyway, nice to meet you for the first time, Princess. I’m Mark.”

“Cadance!” The cherry-blossom-pink pony met my hand with her hoof. “Nice to meet you for the first time too! And this must be your little friend. Is this Lilly Limn?”

“Um, yes, it is.” I blinked, surprised. “You know about her too?”

“Princess Celestia explained everything.” Cadance lowered her head and peeked at the shy pony behind my calf. “Hello, Lilly Limn.”

“Go on.” I encouraged my little antisocial butterfly. “Remember what Rarity taught you?”

“Good afternoon, Miss Cadance.” Lilly tossed the greeting out from behind cover like a grenade and instantly retreated to safety. The princess, however, disarmed the little girl’s shyness as skillfully as only a babysitter can.

“Oh, Lilly, can you do me a favor?”

“Favor?” The filly eyed the friendly alicorn suspiciously.

“Just call me ‘Cadance’. ‘Miss’ makes me sound much too old.”

“Just ‘Cadance’? But, Miss Rarity said that it, that I should be polite.”

“And she’s very right.” Cadance nodded sagely. “But friends get to call each other whatever they want. What do you want me to call you?” After a moment of mulling over the princess’s offer, Lilly beamed,

“You can call me Miss Lilly!”

“How very grown up! All right, then, so nice to meet you Miss Lilly.” The pink alicorn shared a grin with the filly and just like that, they were friends.

“We shouldn’t keep the princesses waiting.” Shining Armor cut in, finally turning away from the palace entrance.

“Hey, that’s my line.” Cadance nudged her husband affectionately. “Right this way, Miss Lilly, Mister Mark.”

“Just ‘Mark’ will do nicely.” I assured the princess. “’Mister’ makes me sound much too old.” She threw a glittering smile behind her as she and Shining Armor led the way further into the marble halls of the palace.

As we wound our way up into the loftier tiers of the palace, I couldn’t help but admire how fresh and clean Cadance looked. The first time I saw her, she had looked like a bulldog’s favorite chew toy, but at that moment, she looked as light and new as sakura blossoms. It wasn’t all due to her silky mane or bright eyes, either, the alicorn princess carried herself like music over a meadow, as if every hooffall was a dance in and of itself. A subtle, but powerful, distinction between herself and Chrysalis.

“You’re looking very well, Princess.” I started conversationally.

“Thank you, Mark. You’re looking rather handsome yourself.” The alicorn fell slightly behind her husband so that she wasn’t craning her neck to look at me. “This is Rarity’s work, isn’t it?”

“It is.” I glanced down at my formal coat. “She insisted I wear something befitting an afternoon with royalty.”

“She’s nothing short of an artist when it comes to seamstry.” Cadance agreed. Then, turning to Lilly, she added, “And you’re looking quite adorable yourself, little missy.”

“I look like Sweetie Belle.” Lilly muttered.

“I thought so. She was one of my flower girls, you know.”

“Sweetie Belle doesn’t like it when I look like her.” The changeling confided.

“That’s not entirely true.” I spoke up. “She was just surprised is all.”

“Well, we’re just going to have to come up with a look to call your own.” The princess searched the air above her head for a moment. “How about a cute little purple filly?”

“Purple is girly.” Lilly opined.

“But you would look so good in purple. Alright, then, how about a bright green pegasus?”

“She can’t fly yet.” I whispered to the princess. Cadance skillfully continued,

“Well, how would you feel about being a big strong unicorn stallion?”

“I’m a girl!” Lilly giggled.

“Oh, but you could be just like Shining Armor!” Cadance joked. “And then I’d give you hugs and nuzzles and never ever let you go.”

“No!” My little friend shook her head decidedly.

“Or I can just hug you right now!” The princess pounced for the filly.

“No! No!” Lilly skipped forward and dove behind the shelter of a nearby tapestry. Shining Armor flashed a leer at the impromptu game, but said nothing. I lowered my voice and whispered out of the corner of my mouth,

“Not to sound critical, but who spit in his bean curd?” My head tilted in the direction of the armored unicorn flank in front of me. Before answering, Cadance slowed her canter ever so slightly and put a few more feet between us and the sour captain.

“It’s not you, Mark. Please don’t take it personal.” The princess answered softly.

“Did something happen?” I nibbled my bottom lip. “Everything okay between you two?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” She half-groaned. “It’s just… Shining Armor takes his duty very seriously, especially when it comes to protecting the ponies he cares about. After what happened at the wedding, well, he’s been really hard on himself and… I think he blames you for making it more difficult.”

“So… It is me?”

“Well, the way Luna described it, you still allowed the invasion to happen.” Candance avoided my eyes. “Aaannnd… the first time you and Shining spoke you were lying to him.”

“I was not!” My voice carried just a little further than I intended. I quickly added, “Technically... I told him that all I wanted was to send him off in a carriage with noisy horseshoes tied behind it and that’s exactly what I did.”

“Still not your best first impression, though.” The princess winced. “But you really shouldn’t take it to heart! He just needs to direct his frustration at something. Or someone. Even if it’s the person who helped us.” She looked up at me with a pleading look. “As long as he stops blaming himself. Otherwise, I’m afraid it might eat him up inside.”

“No, he’s right.” I offered slowly. “I also wasn’t lying to him when I told him that I too know what it means to be a big brother. I’d be frustrated too if I found myself powerless right when it mattered most.”

Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. My time in Equestria had already provided me with plenty of opportunities to feel inadequate. The smoldering vexation in Shining’s bones was a pain I knew all too well.

Before the talk could get any deeper, though, Cadance abruptly pulled us back to kiddie-pool-levels of conversation.

“Don’t worry, your highnesses, I found them.” The pink alicorn trotted up beside her husband just as we reached a sunny viewing room. The doors were thrown open and Lilly and I found ourselves ushered into a lofty area flanked by water fountains and potted trees. At first, I thought we had been brought into a greenhouse, as half of the room and a good portion of the ceiling was composed of gilded glass, but there was also a wide, low table and a series of comfortable chairs littered in various strategic locations. The ever-flowing manes of Princess Luna and Princess Celestia greeted us.

“Just in time.” Celestia mused. “I’m glad everyone was able to attend.” From behind her radiant sister, Princess Luna smiled at myself and Lilly. “Please, make yourselves comfortable.”

I pulled up a cushioned chair and set my little changeling on my lap. She peeked cautiously over the edge of the table, taking in the spread of glittering tea pots, saucers, spoons, and platefuls of light snacks. I handed the changeling a sugar cube and it seemed to help her relax around the audience of demigods.

Shining Armor, however, remained as taut as a bowstring, his mechanical movements an awkward yin to his wife’s casual and graceful yang. He drew up to the table as if attending a military briefing, while Cadance calmly began levitating teapots in my direction.

“Lemonspice? Burdock? Or are you more of a Black Bushel drinker?”

“Black Bushel?” I didn’t know what it was but it sounded fancy and I remembered Rarity mentioning that particular type of stash to me once or twice.

“Good choice. Cream?”

“Please.” Also a good choice, since I quickly discovered that ‘Black Bushel’ was the most tar-like tea in the world. Despite how out-of-place I felt at that table, despite my continued confusion at the sudden summons, despite how I could practically see the ‘other shoe’ about to drop, the scene quickly became nothing more than an afternoon tea party. After two cups and a small meal of pastries, I had been lulled into a state of culturally refined bliss.

“… otherwise, I think Cloudsdale would have been my first choice.” Cadance was an endless fountain, bubbling on about her recent honeymoon. “You haven’t seen a sunset until you’ve seen one a thousand hooves above the desert. Or a summer storm, for that matter. Unfortunately, the city is too far west this year, over by Vanhoover, and the weather’s always grey.”

“My mom grew up in Tuscon Arizona,” I inclined my cup and saucer. “She would agree; deserts get the best thunderstorms.”

“What about you, Mark?” Celestia cocked her head curiously. “Have you ever considered touring more of Equestria?”

“Oh, of course!” I said, adding more cream to my strong-as-Saitama tea. “I mean, I’ve followed the girls from Appleoosa to Dodge Junction, but I’d love to see some of the more iconic locations like Las Pegasus and Baltimare.”

“But why have you not done so?” Luna spoke up.

“Well…” I scratched the back of my head. “Let’s just say things tend to happen in Ponyville and I like to be there when they do. If you know what I’m saying.”

Shining Armor lifted his chin ever so slightly.

“Of course.” Celestia nodded understandingly. “After all, if you weren’t living in Ponyville, who would have rescued Lilly? How is she doing, by the way? I don’t remember her taking up quite so much of your lap last time we met.”

There it was. I allowed myself a small smile as the conversation finally reached its inevitable destination. The reason why we had been summoned all the way to Canterlot. Collecting all the good memories I had on the little changeling, I delivered my totally-not-biased report.

“She’s grown by leaps and bounds.” I replied proudly. “And not just physically, but intellectually and emotionally too. She’s as sharp as a whip-wielding tack and her mind is like a steel trap. Once she learns something, it’s there for good.” All eyes turned towards the filly laying over my legs. For the moment, she was trying to dissolve sugar cubes by spitting on them.

“Just as long as it’s learning the right things.” Shining Armor stared critically at the critter across from him. “You said it’s only a month old?”

“I know what you’re thinking, and I agree.” I explained hastily. “My theory is that changelings grow faster than ponies do. At least, through fillyhood. I’m not sure if this means their overall life expectancy is shorter, but I certainly hope not-”

“Has it displayed any dangerous abilities?” The captain pressed.

“Well,” I scoffed, “she sneezes GLASS.” For a moment, I simply basked in the confused glow around the table. With finality, I addressed Twilight’s brother, “The only thing she’s a danger to is Twilight Sparkle’s honey jar. Just like her mind, her heart is quick to learn and my friends and I have been working every day to teach her right from wrong.”

Officially, I hadn’t answered the question, but in that moment, I figured the best thing I could do was try to put the princesses and their armored guard dog at ease. Lilly still wasn’t a threat, physically, but if I was to ensure the changeling a future in Equestria, it would be wise to keep her more sinister facets secret for the time being. Specifically, the way she kept trying to perfect her disguises.

“So then, it’s just the perfect little pet? No difficulties or trouble at all?” The unicorn across from me probed. Once again, glowing orange coals sprung to life somewhere behind my ribs.

“Difficulties?” I angled an eyebrow at the stallion. “She’s going through a ‘no’ phase, if that’s worth arresting her over."

“I-” Now it was Shining’s turn to appear agitated.

“What do you say, kid?” I bent down over my friend. “Are you difficult?”

“No!” She spoke around the sticky hoof in her mouth. “I’m Lilly.”

“Precious…” Cadance whispered, shaking her head ever so slightly. Shining Armor looked like he wanted to push the issue further, but his wife had taken the wind out of his sails.

“Anything else we should know about it?” The captain tried to sound casual. In response, I chewed my tongue a moment and propped my elbow up on the arm of my chair.

“If you wanted a graph outlining her day-by-day weight, or a record of the vocabulary words she’s mastered, or a list of her favorite drinks, Twilight and I can always run a report for you.” My eyes locked with the stallion’s. “Forgive me, but I was under the impression that you might want to, I don’t know, get to know her as a person. After all, isn’t that why she’s here, meeting you all face-to-face instead of me just sending you numbers on a page?”

“Mark, what gave you that impression?” Celestia wondered. Whatever I was going to say next died on my tongue. I glanced from the white alicorn, to her sister, and back.

“Wait…” I faltered. “Are you saying this isn’t an interview about Lilly?” Shining Armor glanced between the princesses and his wife.

“No.” The pony with the rainbow mane laughed lightly. “I’m afraid that’s not it.”

“Ok…” I blinked. “Okay, then.”

“We’re very sorry if you thought we were here to scrutinize her.” Luna added. “No, the invitation was written to you, first and foremost.”

“I see.” My eyes fell to the changeling on my lap. I shrugged and she copied the gesture. “But wait, if this is just a social call, then how come the captain of the guard is here?” The words were out of my mouth before I realized that he was probably just tagging along with Princess Cadance the way Lilly was tagging along with me.

“Actually, there was something we were hoping to discuss with you.” Celestia’s voice covered the scene like a blanket, muffling all other thoughts and drawing all eyes to the head of the table. “Firstly, though, I wanted to take this moment to properly introduce everyone. I believe harmony is rather important, after all.”

Subconsciously, my gaze flickered over to where Shining was sitting. Once again, our eyes met, but it was no longer a confrontational gesture. I couldn’t help but feel that the princess’s words had been directed at us specifically, and the friction between he and I suddenly seemed very small and foolish. I could only hope he felt the same way. Celestia continued,

“We would like to ask for your assistance.”

“What is it?” Cadance’s voice was a marbled blend of excitement and apprehension. For such a simple question, though, Celestia hesitated before answering it.

“A thousand years ago, my dear sister and I sought to bring peace to the world, and used the power of the Elements of Harmony to seal away many evils that had plagued the land.”

“However, we are no longer connected to the Elements, and with that change, many of the old seals are being undone.” Luna added darkly. “Discord was one such example. Nightmare Moon, another.”

“But though we have planned for the worst,” Celestia spoke up again, “we feel the time has come to entrust another of Equestria’s secrets to our friends.” Her eyes swept around the table. On Shining Armor, her expression was of pride, on Princess Cadance, an expression of motherly affection, and upon me, an elusive amusement. Finally, she asked, “Tell me, Mark, what do you know of the Crystal Empire?”

“Oh! Has it returned already?” I might as well have pulled a gorgon head out of a bag. The tea party froze. Luna stared at me, a cup of tea halfway to her lips while Celestia held her gaze fixed on me as if I were wearing a purple cuttlefish on my head. Cadance glanced from the royalty to me and back again in confusion. The white princess chose her next words carefully.

“It hasn’t…” She released a breath. “And until ten seconds ago, my sister and I doubted it ever would.”

“Oooooohhhhh…” Now it was my turn to exhale. “I take it it’s too late for a ‘spoiler alert’?”

“A little, yes.” Celestia nodded.

“Did you say a bad word?” Lilly asked from beneath the table.

“I don’t think so.” My eyes continued to pan around the room.

“Sir Mark,” Captain Shining Armor placed a hoof on the table excitedly. “Are you telling us this is another one of your ‘episodes’? One of the adventures you’ve already seen? Is another disaster coming? A threat to Equestria? Are there ponies in danger? Please, we need to know!”

“Shining.” Cadance put a soothing hoof on the soldier’s foreleg. “Let him gather his thoughts first. He looks just as confused as we are.”

“Well… Yes and no.” I muttered into my cup. “Yes, I know of the Crystal Empire. No, I’m not an expert. Yes, it’s an episode. No, this isn’t how the episode is supposed to start.”

“Take your time.” Celestia invited. My eyes fell to the drink in my hand, lost in thought as I tried to dredge up all the memories I had of the season 3 premiere.

“I can’t really say much because-”

“Because of spoilers?” Princess Celestia asked warily.

“No, it’s not that.” I shook my head. “It’s because the episode really didn’t tell us anything. The writers took a minimalist approach to the Empire’s backstory before throwing the heroes right into the thick of things. Probably had to edit out a proper history lesson so that they could fit in Twilight’s musical number.”

“Remember, most ponies no longer remember the Crystal Empire ever existed.” Luna gestured subtly at Candance and Shining Armor. “Please, at least share what you do know.”

“Well, a thousand years ago, since that’s when anything exciting ever happened, the Crystal Empire was a thriving city, a Shangri-La, nestled right smack dab in the middle of the northern wastelands. Not only was it an oasis of refuge from the ice and snow, but the entire place looked like it was built out of, what else, crystal. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Princess Celestia mentioned how it was home to a mysterious magic, though what this is and how it works is anypony’s guess. Apparently, it has something to do with spreading hippy vibes across the continent.

“That is, until a guy named Sombra got too big for his britches. ‘A unicorn whose heart was as black as night’ was how you described him, Princess, and he wasted no time in bringing the Empire and its citizens under his totalitarian hoof. He was overthrown by the two sisters, presumably with the aid of the Elements of Harmony, but that’s not expressly said or shown, and the king’s formless body was sealed beneath the frozen glaciers. Then, without rhyme or reason, the Crystal Empire up and vanished. Whether it was buried, frozen, cloaked, teleported, or simply fell out of time and space is left up to the fanfic writer’s discretion.

“It’s never explained exactly what the Empire is, how Sombra came to power, or why it vanished, but that’s all moot when the episode begins. All we, as the viewers need to know is that ‘it has returned’. Cue themesong.” The rest of the tea party stared at me with rapt attention as I finished.

“Then, the Crystal Empire…” Shining Armor muttered.

“Yes. It’s coming back.” I glanced apologetically at Celestia and Luna. “The good, as well as the bad.”

“Yet we have heard nothing from northern Equestria as of late.” The Princess of the Night pondered the ramifications.

“That’s because it hasn’t happened yet.” I reminded her.

Celestia rose from her seat and retrieved a long case, like a shoebox, and levitated it onto the table. When she opened it, my eyes fell upon an oblong piece of crystal that gleamed in the sunlight. It was almost two feet long and shaped like an anorexic Master Emerald. I immediately recognized it as the prop she had used to show Twilight Sparkle the story about the Crystal Empire.

“Is there anything else we should know, Mark?” Celestia asked.

“Not really.” I thought for a moment. “Twilight and co. are sent to rendezvous with Shining and Cadance after the place pops back up on the map, and together they all solve the threat to the Crystal Empire. I was also going to say that it didn’t involve any character development, but I think Twilight Sparkle still learns something important. At least, you think it’s important, your highness.” It was only for a moment, but I imagined I caught a knowing glance between Celestia and her sister.

“Well, that’s more than I knew about the Crystal Empire.” Princess Cadance admitted.

“But it’s not the whole story.” Celestia propped up the block of crystal before her. “It’s true, the Crystal Empire was a sovereign territory, a marvel of the ancient unicorns, who carved it out of the frozen north as a crossroads between Equestria, Yakyakistan, the Frontier, the northeast pegasus territories, and even Griffonstone. Despite all this cultural diversity, or perhaps because of it, the Crystal ponies guarded their own civilization very jealously. They would trade with anyone, but no one could become a citizen.

“That’s why Luna and I were too late to stop King Sombra’s rise to power. We had no authority there and only when his legions waged war against the rest of the world were we spurned into action.” Celestia hesitated, a faraway look in her eyes. With a mixture of pride and regret, she explained, “I like to think that was the last great war our land ever saw. Or will see… But it was not a clean war. For the atrocities King Sombra committed against his own people and the nations around him, Luna and I dethroned him. The power of the Elements, though, is not the power to destroy, and in light of his abominable powers, we could only seal him beneath his own frozen continent.”

“And the Empire?” I fidgeted in my chair expectantly.

“We know not.” Luna spoke up. “It is as much a mystery to us as it is to you, Mark. One moment, the crystal city sat on the white plains, and in the next, nothing but a bare crater remained. Thousands of lives, the very ponies we were fighting for, gone in an instant.” The dark alicorn’s voice quivered dangerously.

“But now there is hope.” Celestia soothed. She turned to me, “You say the Crystal Empire is due to return? Then our efforts may have not been in vain. I would like you to accompany Shining Armor and Princess Cadance to the last known location of the Crystal Empire. Find out what happened to it. Why it’s coming back. And if what you say is true, Mark, you three must do everything possible to keep it safe from King Sombra.”

“I understand.” I nodded grimly.

“Are we going back home soon?” Lilly craned her neck to look up at me.

“Not quite yet, pumpkin.” I gestured at Cadance and Shining. “Looks like we get to save the world first.”

“Oh…”

“Perhaps this will help you.” Celestia indicated the pillar of crystal with her horn. “I saw that you recognize this, Mark. Do you know what it is?”

“Honestly, I thought it was just an over-complicated visual aid.” My vision tried to peer into the crystal’s faceted surface, but instead of a simple prism, it felt as if I were staring into an ocean. “I know that if you shine your aura into it, it makes a nice little map of the Empire.”

Celestia nodded and consented. With a burst of light and the sound of rushing wind, the table vanished, smothered by a holographic display of a symmetrical city. It’s blue glassy streets splayed in a circle like the veins of a snowflake, all leading to a majestic tower set in the very center. Instinctively, I tried to peer into the nest beneath the palace where the Crystal Heart should have been, but the holographic projector was sitting in its place. Between the blocks of the houses, little figures of Crystal ponies could be seen casually going about their lives. I found myself stunned by the sheer level of detail the crystal produced and even Lilly poked curiously at the happy little citizens. Cadance breathed,

“It’s lovely.”

“This is one of only a couple artifacts that prove the Crystal Empire ever existed.” Celestia explained. “Recovered not long after the end of the war. Like a sample, it reflects almost everything we know about the Crystal Empire. It amplifies magic in the way the Empire was said to, and contains this picture of its history. How it was made and why is still a mystery, and I will admit, we thought it was nothing more than an oddity; a remnant of a world we will never see again.”

“That is, until the sultan of Saddle Arabia presented an identical one to us as a gift.” Luna said coldly.

“Pardon?” I glanced at the rock sitting on the table. “You mean there are more of these?”

“Three years after the fall of the Crystal Empire, our ally in the war and our personal friend, sultan Auto Mann contacted us with an urgent discovery.” The dark alicorn continued. “His vizier, a sorcerer by the name of Alhaz Red, had died unexpectedly and upon investigating the works he left behind, it became obvious that if my sister and I had not ended the war when we did, the vizier would have betrayed Saddle Arabia to King Sombra. A secret chamber in the vizier’s tower was filled with bags of gold and numerous pieces of prized Crystal Empire technology. Among them, this seemingly innocuous stone.”

“But it is far from innocent.” Celestia picked up the glorified rock. “This crystal and its twin are identical. Same wavelength, same attributes, same spectrum, and even the same age. They are unique only by place. In simple terms-”

“One crystal, in two points of spacetime.” I whispered.

It wasn’t unheard of. In fact, some Equestrian magics were based on the same principle. For instance, some scholars employed pairs of books for communicating, where if one is written in, the message appears in the other as well. Yet, those were merely sympathy glyphs. I had never heard of something as complex as actually duplicating an object, but I could only imagine how unstable the results would be.

“Whatever happened all those years ago, I believe this artifact might hold some clues.” Celestia levitated the prop back into its box, disrupting the holographic city. “Will you help us recover the Crystal Empire?”

“Of course!” I said instinctively. Then I remembered that I had a changeling on my lap and added, “I’ll need to get a few things ready first. And probably ask Twilight to send a few supplies from her lab.”

“If so, do not delay. Also, the alchemists in Canterlot will provide you with anything else you may require.” Celestia offered. She glanced at her captain of the guard and added, “I was going to send you by way of the Snowdrift Line, but if Mark is correct and the Crystal Empire could return at any moment, then time is of the essence. The E.R.A. Starry Redeemer is yours to command.”

“Your highness.” Shining Armor lowered his head in gratitude.

“Anything specific we should bring with us, Mark?” Cadance looked at me expectantly.

“Oh, I don’t know. A scarf, maybe? Perhaps some warm tea?” I scooped up my changeling filly in my arms. “I still need to find something that will protect Lilly from any future magic love-bombs. She’s already survived one.”

“Mark, I promise our magic won’t hurt Lilly anymore.” The pink alicorn nodded at her husband who reluctantly copied the gesture.

“Not to seem rude,” I lowered my voice cryptically, “but I wasn’t actually talking about you.” A vision of the Crystal Heart blazing with white light flitted before my eyes. If Lilly was in danger of suffering the same fate as the deposed King, I would just as soon opt out of the adventure altogether. To my surprise, it was Princess Luna who came up with a solution.

“We may have an idea.” The dark alicorn rose from her seat and gestured for me to follow her. I left my cushioned seat and felt the rush of blood flow back into my legs as I carefully lowered Lilly back onto the floor. As the princess and I left the sunny viewing room behind us, Shining Armor and Princess Celestia were earnestly discussing how to arrange our escort and our timetable. Princess Cadance was staring thoughtfully at the oblong box and the mysterious crystal therein.

Luna guided us swiftly and silently through the halls of the palace while Lilly and I followed like a pair of ducklings. My mind was preoccupied with the impending return of King Sombra, but no matter how I tried to approach the situation, there was very little that I could do for the upcoming episode. Short of relaying exactly how the script was supposed to play out, there was not much I could change about it even if I wanted to. Perhaps it was this frustration that blinded me, but when I returned to the present, I didn’t recognize what wing of the palace Luna had led us to. The windows were curtained and the air was cool, giving off a secluded and ancient mien. Even the guards had vanished from their usual posts.

“These halls, you understand, are not for the touring pleasure of the public.” The dark alicorn brought us to a stop before a pair of stained dark wooden doors. “Indeed, were it not for the wounds of the past, what you are about to see might not have existed at all.” She produced a pitted bronze key and fit it into the lock. With a metallic thump, the bolt within the doors slid aside and Luna pushed her way through.

“It looks like Miss Rarity’s house!” Lilly skipped forward, then hesitated. “But not pretty.”

What I saw in there I first mistook for a museum. Lines of crumbling mannequins dressed in rotting pieces of armor stood in eternal ranks in shelves rising up to the ceilng. Weapon racks stuffed with spears and halberds flanked us like rushes alongside a river and every once in a while, a moth-eaten banner could be seen hanging from its pole like a dead bird. I was about to comment on how it looked like the enchanted castle from Beauty and the Beast when the full repercussions of what I was looking at hit me.

“These are from the war…” My voice faltered. It was not impossible to find weapons and armor in a peaceful land like Equestria. In fact, the royal guards I had seen earlier that day sported their attire proudly, but what I was looking at hadn’t been designed for their aesthetic. Even after a thousand years, these spears still held a cold gleam, the shields still waited for the bite of an enemy’s weapon, and the helmets still gazed at the world with hollow determination. Like the countless war museums of Earth, each artifact carried a ghost of woe about it.

“We may not be proud of what transpired all those years ago,” Luna strode forward determinedly, “but to forget the brave ones who died for peace would mean that they had died for naught.”

“This is a memorial, then.” I thought aloud, gazing upon a rack of pale blue swords.

“That the past may never be repeated.” The princess nodded. “And what may be done differently should war find us once more.”

“I’m cold.” Lilly whimpered from beside my leg.

“You know what? Me too.” I plucked the little changeling off the ground and held her tight, but the chill I felt had more to do with the hundreds of empty helmets looking at me than the temperature of the air.

“Though most are unnecessary in times of peace, the Crystal War produced many brilliant inventions. The magic circuits employed by skyship engines? Originally a Crystal Empire design.” A shadow passed over Luna’s face. “One which King Sombra made good use of. Ah, here we are!” The princess stopped in front of a new line of mannequins, all wearing the same midnight-blue plate armor set with a single green gem in their chest piece. All-in-all, they weren’t much different from the uniforms I’d seen the bat-ponies wearing on Nightmare Night. “These were employed to fend off Sombra in his shadow form. With a few adjustments, we believe thy friend may wear one as a defense against other magics. She- Mark?” Call me rude, but I wasn’t listening to the princess in that moment.

She had lost me one or two alleys earlier, when I had caught sight of a particularly intriguing piece of her collection. In the dark recesses of the room, almost lost in a shadowy corner behind a display of bladed pegasi wings, was one of the first things I had seen in Equestria, and one of the last things I had never expected to see again. Set in a glass case, like Bruce Wayne’s bat costume, were the remains of Nightmare Moon’s armor.

“You kept them.” I said softly as Luna walked up behind me. “Now that I think about it, I remember a few pieces survived, but… I didn’t think you’d keep them around.”

“As we explained,” Luna’s voice was as sharp and cold as an icicle, “this is a room of remembrance. To forget is to nullify the lessons you learned… And the efforts of the heroes who taught you.” After a moment, she placed a wing over my shoulder and guided me back away from the glass case. Though less than a shadow of its former self, I could still feel the crushing power of the nightmare in my chest as I stared up at the empty mask. As if the icy black mane was once more pinning me against a stone wall. “Come, there is other work to attend to.”

“Right!” I shook my head clear. “Back to business! You think that if Lilly wears one of these chest pieces, it will keep her safe from a magic blast?”

“It may.” Luna said noncommittally. “Behold.” With a tap of her hoof, the alicorn seated the crystal orb into one of the dummy’s chest pieces. With a sound like a yawning choir, a pale white light erupted from the artifact, shrouding the faux pony in a magic sphere. I could already imagine Lilly running around the room in the spell like a hamster in its ball.

Suddenly, the Princess of the Night lowered her horn at the dummy and let loose a wave of aura. The starry purple magic crashed against the shield like a wave upon a rock, rushing over it and around it, but unable to pierce it. In the next moment, however, the ancient piece of armor succumbed to the onslaught. The gem within it cracked and the ward collapsed. Luna stopped her attack only an instant before the wooden pony disintegrated beneath her power.

“Not to nitpick,” I leaned back on one leg, “but I think Twilight would technically call that a ‘disruptive field’ rather than a ward.” I gestured at the remaining line of dummies. “I’ll take ‘em all!”

“They are yours.” Luna nodded. “Though, perhaps it would be prudent to clean them first?”

“And recharge them, by the look of it.” I ran a thumb over the mysterious gem’s surface. As the dust fell away, I caught a glimpse of Luna’s reflection in the piece. She had fallen silent, and the way her head hung low was a gesture I was already very familiar with.

“Mark…” The princess began. “Captain Shining Armor is as valiant a pony as any could ask for, but he is still young. And Princess Cadance… she is strong indeed, but hers is not a warrior’s heart.”

“This is just like that time with Discord, isn’t it?” I asked the question, but I already knew the answer. “You want to come, but you can’t risk facing an enemy who already knows how to fight you.”

“Without the Elements, we would only serve as a liability.” Luna nodded at her shoes.

“Then I’ll tell you the same thing I told you then.” I took up a brave smile for the princess. “I’ll keep them safe. You can count on it.” Finally, she met my eyes and tried to match my hopeful expression. “Besides, nothing’s happened yet and might not for another year. For all we know, we could be running all the way up north for nothing.”

Apparently, I still hadn’t learned my lesson when it came to tempting fate.

***

The E.R.A. (Equestrian Royal Armada) Starry Redeemer hung motionless in the sky docs beneath Canterlot. Small flocks of pegasi orbited its colossal gaseous envelope like bees tending to their hive, diligently cleaning and preparing the vessel for its impending voyage. Their calls rang out through the hangar, distant and indistinct while the ship waited patiently.

“Wow…” I sighed. “Now that’s something.” My own body felt insignificant beneath the sheer weight of the ship’s presence. Quiet excitement seeped into my veins like wine as I stared up at the vessel while it smiled back down on the ponies beneath it.

“Why does it look like a fish?” My filly friend quibbled.

“I dunno.” My shoulders bounced. “Maybe somepony is a fan of Link’s Awakening.”

“I don’t like it.” The changeling scowled at the great grinning face painted on the front of the airbag.

“Well, when you build your own skyship, you can make it look however you want.” I smirked.

“I can’t build a skyship!” The filly objected.

“Perhaps not today…” I looked at the young changeling with a twinkle in my eye. “But nothing is impossible.”

“Mark! Lilly! Over here!” My little friend and I turned to see Princess Cadance arrive on the platform wearing a sunny smile and a fluffy scarf.

“Cadance!” Lilly waved back and ran to greet the pink pony.

“Hello again Miss Lilly. Oh, you look so fashionable today.” The princess took a good long look at the royal blue hoodie the changeling was wearing, (according to Rarity, it matched both Sweetie Belle colors and Lilly’s natural skin) and then ran a glance up and down the long brown coat I was wrapped up in. “More of Rarity’s work?”

“I had a couple things delivered from Ponyville.” I explained, suavely popping my collar up and tugging on a pair of form-fitted gloves.

“Daddy says I look like I shop at Hot Topic.” Lilly scrutinized herself once more.

“I did say that…” It was probably because the changeling absolutely loved having a hood on her shirt and refused to take it down for anything.

“Well, it must be where all the most fashionable young ladies shop.” Cadance encouraged the filly.

“Of a type…”

“So, Mark,” The princess addressed me once again, “Did you bring anything else up from Ponyville? I see you have your infamous trunk of tricks.”

“Just the essentials.” I led the way back to my steamer trunk with a sly grin. “Take a look.” With nothing to hide from the princess, or her husband for that matter, I kicked open the lid and put my episode kit on display.

“Biscuits?” Cadance furrowed her brow.

“Not just any biscuits.” I plucked up a heavy square loaf and unwrapped it. “My own recipe. With a little help from Pinkie Pie, of course, so that they’re actually edible. (Did you know she never leaves home without a can of baking soda?) A day’s worth of nutrients cooked into a loaf and laced with an endurance potion for a little kick. Keeps you going all day an’ sticks to your ribs better ‘n my dad’s biscuits and gravy. I call it ‘lembas bread’, obviously, because I have no imagination.”

“He also got this.” Lilly pulled a small vial out of the side of the trunk. The glass container strobed with veins of wispy green light while a ghostly fog swirled within. Neither liquid or gas, any Harry Potter fan would have described it as the stuff used for filling a pensieve.

“Ah, yes, a very gracious gift from the princesses.” I gingerly retrieved the vial from Lilly. “Pure distilled wind essence. More wind in this little bottle than a political pundit! More gas than a pot of refried beans! More air than a bag of Lays chips. Oh, the kind of trouble I could get into with this bad boy…” My chortling, though, was cut off when I saw Cadance’s look of apprehension. “Of course, it’s only for emergencies. Hopefully, we won’t even need it.”

“Uh-huh…” The princess scooped a jar of thick red gel out of the bottom of the trunk. “And what dastardly little surprise is this?”

“Oh, that’s the dastardly-est of all.” I turned the container so that she could read the label. “Strawberry jam. For the lembas.” Our little group’s laughter echoed off the distant ceiling and the lumbering form of the Starry Redeemer.

“Alright, everything is clear and we’re ready to take off.” Shining Armor appeared behind his wife, casting a suspicious glance at myself and my steamer trunk. Much to my bemusement, he was wearing a black scarf around his neck and a matching visor on his forehead. “If there’s nothing else, we should all climb aboard.”

“Sound good. I’ll get us settled in.” Princess Cadance gave her husband a quick peck on the cheek and cantered off towards the ship’s gangplank.

“We’d better get aboard too.” I shoved my lembas back into the trunk and tried to wrestle the lid closed. For a moment, the latch was propped open by a stout rod and I had to rearrange the contents to get it to fit properly. “Come on, Lilly. Lilly? Lilly! I said don’t play with that.”

“But it’s heavy!” The changeling pouted as she fidgeted with a freshly-polished magic crest hanging on her neck. I was so preoccupied trying to keep Lilly from accidentally activating the device that I didn’t realize Shining Armor was still standing over me.

“Sir Mark.” He began, more as an order than a conversation starter.

“Yes?...” I glanced up with a hint of trepidation.

“I shouldn’t have to remind you how important this mission is.” The stallion murmured. “Princess Celestia has made it very clear that the Crystal Empire is a very dangerous thing and we can’t let it fall into the wrong hooves.”

“I’m well aware of that, captain.” Slowly, I pulled myself up to my full height. “Dare I say even more than you?”

“This is a fair warning,” The knight’s blue eyes narrowed. “But I will be watching you, both of you, very closely. Don’t take matters into your own… hands… like at the wedding.” Shining glanced at the wooden gangplank where his wife was just vanishing onto the deck. “There’s far too much at risk here for you to run around playing hero.”

I drowned the flame that sprouted in my throat with a cool deep breath. Once I had measured out a few long seconds, I was able to see what the captain’s uncharacteristically-abrasive words really meant. He was scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of failure, and scared for the wife that was so precious to him. I, of course, was the very embodiment of the unknown, my interference was tantamount to his failure, and should anything go wrong, his wife was the one putting herself in the line of fire. Of course he would be ‘watching me closely’. It was sweet to see him care so much, but,

“Captain…” I leaned forward and lowered my voice, but the stallion didn’t back down. “Have you considered the possibility that I’m not doing this for myself?”

“You-”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me!” I scooped up Lilly and nodded toward the flying ship in front of me. “I need to introduce myself to that fine lady over there!”

Stepping onto the E.R.A. Starry Redeemer was like walking across a carpet of electric eels. The buzzing excitement started rising within me as soon as the soles of my feet felt the subtle sway of the gondola and my ears heard the quiet sighing of the rigging lines. Without a word, I drifted to the fore of the deck where I stood rooted in place like a figurehead until the gangplank was pulled up, the lines were cast off and the calls began to ring out.

“Free the lines! Free the lines!”

“Free lines aye!”

“Ballast level! Ballast level!”

“Ballast level aye!”

“Wind crews ready!”

“Pegasi in position!”

“Heave!”

“Heave aye! Wind crews aye!”

A team of pegasi hovered mid-air before the nose of the skyship’s balloon. As one, they flapped their wings and a gentle wind tunnel sprang up, caressing the gas bag and nudging it gently out of the hangar. The shadows cast by the city above melted away and we found ourselves hanging in the crystal clear skies of Equestria.

“Hangar clear!”

“Hangar clear aye!”

“Guide ponies in position!”

“Guide position aye!”

“Steady! Steady! Engage engines quarter-forward!”

“Quarter-forward aye!”

“… Engage…” A little Patrick Stewart slipped from my curling lips as a low rumble filled the air and the deck beneath me began gliding towards the mysterious north.

Commissioned by Princess Celestia herself to commemorate her sister’s return, the E.R.A. Starry Redeemer was the newest addition to Canterlot’s fleet of skyships and reflected as such in its exquisite craftsmanship. Though it retained the hanging-gondola hallmark design of an Equestrian aircraft, the Redeemer was first and foremost designed to be an ambassador’s ship and so it was constructed with near-silent mechanical wings of canvass instead of the more industrial propellers seen on the Metamorphosis. It was a complex dance of clockwork and magic as the four engines worked in harmony to conduct the four wings together. The ship swam through the crystal blue sky like an endless glass ocean. From the humble town of Ponyville, I'd longingly watched the Starry Redeemer through every phase of her construction, and it was nothing short of pure envy when Rarity returned from ‘Sweet and Elite’ with tales of personally christening the vessel, but in that moment…

“I’m on an airship…” A giddy euphoria was rushing through my heart as surely as the icy wind rushed through my hair. Had I been a pony, I wouldn’t have been surprised to find a shiny new cutiemark appear on my backside right then and there.

“Is everything all right?” Princess Cadance cautiously walked up behind me.

“I’m on an airship.” My voice was quieter than I had intended. “Everything’s perfect.”

“You like flying, then?” The princess let the wind caress her silky feathers.

“Depends.” I chuckled. “Does an irrational passion still count as ‘like’?”

“So it’s serious, then.”

“As serious as daydreams can be, yes.”

“Have you considered becoming a captain of your own ship?”

“Ha! Whoo! I mean, wow! Wouldn’t that be the day?” My cheeks began to ache from the permanent smile carved on them.

“Well? Why not? Clearly it’s something you love.” The princess continued playfully.

“Maybe someday, but that day’s still quite a ways away.”

“Very well.” Cadance nickered. “At least now I’ve got a birthday idea for you.”

“Oh, please don’t taunt me so!” I bawled.

“I’m cold.” Lilly tried to pull her hood further down over her nose.

“Hi Cold. I’m Mark.” I chuckled. “Oh gawd, I can’t believe I just did that. Anyway, snugglebug, c’mere and let’s get you warm.” Though the hem of my thick coat still fluttered around my legs like a flag in the breeze, the double-brested fold right in front of my heart made a perfect nest for the little filly.

“Snugglebug?” Cadance giggled. “That’s a cute.”

“No, that’s me.” The changeling explained patiently. “I’m a snugglebug.”

“Scientifically speaking.” I fixed the princess with a deadpan expression. “Due to her diet of affection and the subtle insectoid physiology, I have taxonomically classified Lilly to be a member of the ‘snugglebug’ family. Genus ‘imposiburu adoriburu’.”

“Well, I defer to your expertise.” The princess laughed. “I just wanted to make sure you two were comfortable.”

“I’m bored.” The filly grumbled.

“I was just enjoying the view.” My eyes fell onto the distant valleys and forest-feathered hills below. “Guess I got caught up in the moment. Forgot that my lovable little twerp here isn’t old enough to sit still yet. Isn’t that right, twerp?”

“No!” Lilly wriggled out of my arms, dropped to the deck and skipped past the princess. “Cadance! Play with me! Play!”

“Oh dear, is it playtime all ready?” I pretended to check my watch. “Sorry to get you roped into this, princess.”

“Ha! I suppose I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Look out, Lilly, we’re going to get you!”

“Keee! No! No!” Like a bolt of greased lightning, the filly darted off towards the aft of the ship, scattering pegasi, guards, and crewmembers every which way. With more than one wince and a couple bids of apology, Cadance and I dutifully followed.

“Actually, I was surprised to find out how… normal she is.” The pink princess whispered to me out of the corner of her mouth. “I was afraid having a changeling around would be more…”

“Alien?” I offered.

“Well, yes!”

“Well, so did I.” I chased the changeling out from behind a barrel of apples. “She’s remarkably… human. Or pony, in this case. That is, if you don’t count the fact that she’s already left the Cake twins in the dust. Or the fact that she’s a finicky eater. Or the fact that she periodically barfs up Green Liquid and Solid Stuff.”

“So, rapid growth, picky, and explosive body functions?” Cadance winked. “And here I thought having a changeling aboard would be a new experience for me.”

It would be rather awkward to call that a bonding moment, a foalsitter and a legal guardian sharing filly horror stories, but seeing as Lilly Limn was three handfuls worth of trouble and I only had two hands to spare, I counted myself more than fortunate to be sharing an adventure with the one and only Princess Cadance. The legendary foalsitter somehow kept the mischievous little pony occupied and entertained and soon, the day had waned and darkness once more claimed the skies for its own. When we finally had to take shelter from the biting air and retreat into the lantern-lit cabins, we found a hot meal of vegetable loaf and dinner rolls waiting for us. Traveling with royalty certainly had its perks.

Shining Armor himself remained courteous throughout the journey, but refused to speak to me any more than was socially necessary. I don’t know what might have happened if I was forced to contend with his abrasive personality for much longer, but fortunately for everypony involved, our journey was a short one. The Starry Redeemer had left Canterlot late in the afternoon and after only one night of swift sailing, the sun had risen to reveal a land of rolling white plains. The horizon still grinned with the sharp teeth of distant mountain ranges, but as far as I could tell, the blank world was marred by only a single flaw; a stuttering black scar ran like a frayed thread over its pure surface. A railroad, running from the welcoming warmth of the south lands to the middle of apparently nowhere.

“Snowdrift Station ahoy!” The call rang out.

“Snowdrift Station aye!”

“Reduce engines to one quarter thrust!”

“Quarter thrust aye!”

“Steady!”

Squinting at the radiant world beneath my feet, I saw that the apparently endless line of train tracks was far from infinite. About two miles from where the Redeemer drifted to a stop, the trail of wood and metal ended abruptly at a small train platform. So new I could practically smell the fresh paint on it, I consoled myself with the fact that its construction was, at least, complete. The same could not be said for the tracks themselves. Teams of ponies were working tirelessly down the line like ants at a picnic, cobbling together the rods of unfinished iron and block of wood to finally tie the railroad together. I found myself wondering if the tracks would be finished by the time Twilight and co. had to make their own journey north.

“According to Princess Celestia, the Crystal Empire used to stand right over there.” Grim-er than a book of German fairytales, Captain Shining Armor gestured slightly north and east of the new train station. Cadance, Lilly and I looked in the direction indicated and a cold silence enveloped us.

Among the wavy hills of wind-swept ice and snow, was a circular patch of unnaturally flat (and thoroughly Empire-less) field. Though a pony on the ground would be hard-pressed to differentiate where the natural snow ended and the slightly-less natural snow began, from where we sat in the sky, it appeared as if a moon-sized elephant had descended on the world and left a single round footprint right smack dab in the middle of the otherwise featureless territory. Equestria’s own Nazca lines.

“We’ll set down at Snowdrift Station and give our report. Afterwards, the expedition will make their way towards the site of the former empire. Thunder Clap! Rain Worthy! You two are with us. Ready the team and the sleds.”

“Sir!” Two golden-adorned unicorns fired off a pair of quick salutes before vanishing below deck.

“Cadance, I…” The captain’s once-commanding voice died in his throat. A storm of uncertainty clouded his brow and I could practically feel the apprehension radiating off his face, but one look from his wife silenced all his objections.

“I’m right beside you!” She somehow managed to combine a casual tone with a sense of finality. There was nothing the stallion could say to make her change her mind.

“Ready to go on an adventure?” I nuzzled the filly in my arms.

“Just like Hoth?” She piped up.

“Just like Hoth…” Complete with its very own monsters.

Before long, the Starry Redeemer had descended upon the brand new train station, it’s balloon eclipsing the light of the clean morning sun. The pegasi crewmembers hovered protectively around the ship as ponies and cargo were swiftly unloaded on the white fields. Though the weather had proven tame and mild, their presence reminded us all that the north winds were still feral and even the Redeemer was at the mercy of the whim of the skies.

Wordlessly, our caravan bravely trundled into the frontier. Lands untouched for centuries, glaciers unseen for generations, and layers of fossilized snow crunched resignedly beneath our feet. Were I an archaeologist, I might have truly appreciated the fact that there were probably countless pony skeletons entombed beneath our shoes, Equestrian soldiers and Crystal warriors sleeping side-by-side for all eternity, but in that moment, all that was to be seen was an icy desert filled with white sand.

“There isn’t enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser.” My changeling reported duitifully.

“I know, right? Your tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker.” I replied.

“Can we go to Tatooine instead?”

“Ew, no thanks. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

“This is it.” Captain Shining Armor brought us to a halt. “Where we’re standing used to be the outskirts of the Crystal Empire.”

“And here I am without my camera…” I chewed on my tongue as I squinted at the empty world around me. It was far from a Canon moment. A gnat upon a piece of Xerox paper would probably see as much scenery as I, or perhaps Neal Armstrong standing in the Sea of Tranquility.

“Well, we should start investigating!” Undeterred, Cadance trotted forward and lit her horn with her pale blue aura. For passing moment, Shining Armor and I remained frozen in place. Despite our mad rush north, the full support of Princess Celestia, and our fear of Sombra’s impending return, none of us had the slightest idea of where to start.

“Well, here goes nothing.” I set Lilly on the ground, scooped up a fistful of powder. My attitude was, in order to find the Empire, we would first have to find out what happened to it. With no more ado, I chucked a snowball over Shining Armor’s head. It landed behind him like so much mashed potatoes.

“Hey! This isn’t playtime, you know-”

“Alright, so we know the Empire isn’t simply cloaked.” I made a checkmark on an imaginary list. “At least, not like Harry Potter’s fancy poncho, that is. We’ll try teleportation next. Would the ponies with horns on their heads mind searching for residual auras? I know it’s been a thousand years, but you never know.”

“Mark, don’t you think Her highness and her sister would have checked that already?” Shining Armor planted his hooves firmly in the snow.

“Already ahead of you.” Cadance reported, her aura a cold torch on her brow. “There’s nothing. I couldn’t even tell you that anything used to stand here, let alone a city.”

“Very well. Good to know.” I rattled my brain around in its skull like beans in a maraca, desperately trying to shake loose some clever magic-y thing Twilight Sparkle might say. “Then try sending magic sounders through the ground. Perhaps Sombra pulled a Mewtwo and simply buried his sanctuary.”

“Alright, we’ll try that.” Shining Armor nodded curtly to the royal guards and they obediently spread themselves out with foreheads to the snow.

“You know,” I grumbled, “If we could have an actual master of the arcane arts out here, that’d be greeeaaat.”

“We tried.” Cadence walked by with her horn pointed at her shoes. “Princess Celestia sent an invitation to a brilliant theoretical magician named Sunburst, but it turns out he was ill. We only found out just before the ship left. At least we’ve got you, right?”

“Oh yes, a nonmagical alchemist. Apprentice alchemist, that is. Hooray, we’re dead.” I massaged my jaw as I watched the more magical members of our expedition hard at work. The Empire was out there, I knew that much, a mere hop, skip and a thousand-year-jump away. I muttered, “Forget Twilight Sparkle. What would the Doctor do in this situation? Finding a lost city… ‘Vanished into thin air’ the princess said? Without a trace? Without a trace…”

But there was a trace. A certain artifact positively saturated with Crystal Empire lore. Like a time capsule, it showed the Empire as it had been, as it could be, and even gave a taste of its power. The crystal artifact that Celestia had sent with us. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, and if worse came to worse, perhaps I could always give it to the unicorns as a way for them to get the lost city’s ‘scent’. While my friends had their heads to the ground, I turned back towards our luggage sleds.

I’m going to take this opportunity to say that discovery is hard work. Take Marie Curie for instance. The girl processed literal tons of mineral ore for mere fractions of a gram of radium, working for years in a leaky shed behind the school where she worked to pay the bills. Discovery is labor, it is love, and it is sacrifice, so if anyone tries to tell you that I ‘discovered’ the secret behind the Crystal Empire, give them a sharp kick in their happy parts for Ms. Curie, all right?

All I did was open a box. A box, mind you, that I didn’t bring, and probably would have left ignored in Canterlot had Celestia not suggest we take it.

“Halo? What’s this?” As I flipped open the princess’s oversized jewelry box, expecting to see the crystal obelisk and its murky depths, I was struck with a ghostly magic gleam. The artifact wasn’t the sleeping rock I had seen back in Centerlot, but had changed, awoken, the infinite ocean within it churning like a storm of liquid mercury. With gloved hands, I gingerly lifted the crystal out of its box.

“Aaah!” Behind me, Lilly screamed, and I felt all my tendons pulled taut as I whirled around to find her. Instead of the smoky form of Sombra, however, or even a space-yeti, the thing that had startled my little pony was a bright green crescent of grass. In the Clorox-white wilderness, however, that spot of vegetation shone like an emerald floodlight.

“What happened?” Shining Armor demanded, practically bowling me over.

“We heard a scream!” Cadance and the guards were hot on his tail. “Is everything all right?”

“I’m not… sure.” I gestured towards the sliver of grass. Where had once been unyielding death had sprung a patch of healthy living vegetation.

“How?” I heard one of the guards mutter.

“Hold this.” I handed the gem to Cadance as I knelt down for a closer look. As if the scythe-shaped patch wasn’t odd enough, there was a bizarre distortion in the air around it, like a film of cellophane. When I pulled my gloves off and reached forward, my fingers were kissed by a breath of warm air.

“Is this a rift?” The pink alicorn trotted forward. “But how did it open?”

“Whoa!” I leapt back instinctively as the grass suddenly moved. After spending a second to collect myself, however, I realized that the vegetation hadn’t moved, but the size of its patch did. It had grown, now yawning at me like a crocodile mouth. Still worth getting startled over.

“Is it...?” Shining Armor glanced at the crystal hovering beside his wife’s head.

“The artifact Celestia sent with us?” Cadance took a moment to scrutinize the churning light within the shiny rock. “Mark, that’s brilliant!”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I waved a hand at the princess’s words as if driving off a fly. “I had nothing to do with this.”

“But it’s working! Look!” The alicorn suddenly floated the crystal forward and waved it to and fro. The grass reacted appropriately. Like a reality-bending lantern, or the Lens of Truth from TLoZ:OoT, the artifact pushed back at an invisible wall, revealing a new reality just behind the curtain of our own. Everything within a ten-foot radius of the artifact succumbed to its distorting power and as Cadance held the crystal aloft, the disruption it made in the air revealed a murky and warbling silhouette in the distance. The iconic tower-palace of the Crystal Empire.

“We found it.” Captain Shining Armor breathed. “It’s right there.”

“And yet… not.” I knelt down to put a reassuring hand on Lilly before venturing forward. The artifact created a slight dip in the ground, where the world changed from snow to an expansive field, but I was more interested in the air. Standing within the ‘bubble’ created by the crystal, I felt like I was staring through the bottom of a glass boat. It required further investigation, but to do that,

“We need to go deeper.” I declared, turning back to face the ponies. “I don’t know how it works, but apparently that rock makes a safe zone. A connection between this world and the lost one. As long as we stick close to it, we can send a team to explore the city.”

“There’s not much room…” The captain looked warily at the small crescent of grass beneath the artifact.

“I’ll be the crystal-holder!” Cadance stepped down the snowy bank to join me. The bubble around her shifted precariously, threatening to close off the world behind her altogether.

“Wait!” Shining called. “We can’t just rush in there!”

“What else is there to do?” The princess asked impatiently. “Obviously, this is what the crystal was meant for. We can’t stop now! We have to find out where this leads.”

“But-”

“Princess Celestia is counting on us.” Cadance pressed. At the invocation of his boss’s name, Shining Armor caved.

“This is a very bad idea.” He shook his blue mane and turned to the unicorn guard behind him. “You two, stay with the sleds and wait for our return. If we’re not back by evening, send for help. The rest of you, with us.” Two earth ponies and a pegasi nodded and followed their fearless commander onto the unstable circle of grass.

“Getting a little cozy.” I tucked Lilly back up in my arms to save space. “Whatever you do, don’t touch the walls. If this is some trans-dimensional thingamabob, there’s no better way to lose a limb. Remember Elizabeth’s pinkie finger in Bioshock Infinite?” (Ooh, sorry, is that still considered a spoiler?)

“Pinkie has a finger?” The changeling wondered.

“Alright, Cadance, we’ll follow your lead.” Shining nodded to his wife. Returning the gesture, the princess began to trot forward, and the snowy wasteland vanished behind us.

What struck me first was the silence. The waking world is full of noise in one form or another, a static cacophony of echoes and living air. Yet, in that sphere of reality, as we stepped onto the rolling grassy outskirts of the Crystal Empire, the atmosphere immediately became oppressed and muffled. The only sounds to be heard were our own footfalls upon the tender grass and the hiss of breathing as our lungs filled with sweet air.

Beyond the protective sphere cast off by the crystal artifact, the world around us was barely more than a twilight zone of silhouettes. In the distance hung megalithic constructs rising up from the ground, like Atlantis sleeping on its sea bed, while behind us was only the dim impression of vast acres of grasslands and then nothing. We were in a snow globe, wandering through a fish tank. In order to make sense of what I was seeing, my mind had to adopt a distinctly British accent.

“Aw! Now tha’s brilliant! I do love a good brilliant thing. Keeps adventures from being dreary, yeah?”

“Pardon?” Cadance glanced up at me.

“That’s his David Tennant voice.” Lilly explained. “That means he's saying something clever.”

“Time and space, space and time, and all of it in a big tangled ball of wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey stuff!” I crowed. “All these years Celestia’s been looking for the Crystal Empire and it was right under her nose the whole time! So close and yet so far. The artifact isn’t a picture of the Empire. It’s the empire itself!

“Think about it. What’s the best lock in the universe? A universal lock, of course! Take a city, wrap it up in a magic bubble and knock it off the rails of the timeline and poof! Nopony can get to it! Nopony, that is, unless they have the right key. Don’t believe me, ask Princess Celestia herself. Remember how she tried a similar thing when she was hiding the Elements of Harmony from Discord? Didn’t go so well, but that’s beside the point.”

“Well, what’s changed? How come we can find the Crystal Empire now and not before?” Cadance looked at the wavy sphere around her.

“We brought a shiny rock with us.” I gestured at the glowing crystal above us. “The Empire is the artifact. The artifact is the Empire. One and the same, only difference is, our artifact is tied to our timeline, the Empire is not. Like Alduin, it was cast off of reality to float in a time stasis forever. It’s Sombra’s final spit-in-the-eye. If he couldn’t have the Crystal Empire, neither could anypony else, but he’s no dummy. He still needed a lifeline if he ever wanted to recover his kingdom. Unfortunately for him, now we’ve got one of his crystals. It’s still tied to the mainstream timeline, but it’s also resonating with the missing timeline. A bubble of our reality in a bubble of Crystal Empire reality. In other words, a glitch in the glitch makes a non-glitched glitch in our glitch!”

“Sounds like a proper dissertation right there.” Shining Armor muttered. “I wonder if we’ll find any survivors. It can’t be easy being trapped in a single city for a thousand years.”

“My partly-educated-and-partly-foresight guess,” I held up a finger. “Not even a second has passed for this city since it was trapped here. Time within this sphere was cut off entirely.”

“Well, that’s convenient.” The stallion glanced at me in exasperation. “What makes you say that?”

“Seriously?” To answer, all I had to do was jab a thumb behind me. Our trek across the Crystal Empire plains had left a distinct scar in the grass, but not one that would go away anytime soon. Trampled plant blades remained bowed, debris kicked up by the pony’s shoes lingered in mid-air, and even a few startled insects hung in the middle of their flight like scattered stars. One could track our progress up to that point merely by following the tunnel of frozen evidence we’d left behind.

“I’m going to try something.” I shifted my filly to one arm as I fished a lembas loaf out of my coat pocket. With a flick of the wrist, I sent it hurling through the air in front of our group. To nopony’s surprise, (except one of the guards) the biscuit stuck there like a fly upon insect paper. Cautiously, I guided the group in an arc around the floating food until we were safely on the other side of it. Then I asked Cadance to float her crystal closer to the lembas once more. Sure enough, as soon as our protective bubble enveloped it, the rock-hard pastry flew forward and slapped against my chest.

“Ew…” Lilly scowled as a shower of crumbs fell on her.

“But at least we know we won’t cut off our pinkies by touching the sides of the bubble.” This came as a slight relief to our group, but I still warned, “But still, don’t touch it, or else you might get trapped here forever.”

After what felt like hours, the expedition finally stepped onto a wide blue road leading into the heart of the city. Our footfalls rang like silver bells over its polished surface and as the light from Cadance’s artifact bounced off it, the path glistened like starlight over water. As stated before, I was no archaeologist or proper arcane scientist, but I could still feel a definite chill creep into my stomach as we pressed forward into the Empire proper. Something struck a chord in me that didn’t sit right. Perhaps it was the buildings that appeared to have grown out of the ground, perhaps it was the fact that I couldn’t place what kind of mineral the city was made of, or perhaps it was the fact that the very path we were walking over seemed to be built from a single mile-long piece of rock. Something about the Crystal Empire hinted at technologies both centuries old, and impossibly advanced. A combination I had learned to fear since I first encountered the Forerunner’s Halo rings.

These vague apprehensions were no more apparent than in the castle itself. Towering above the annex of the entire Empire was a series of goliath crystals rising from the ground like a Final Fantasy version of the Eiffel Tower. Though no banners flew from its walls and the building looked abandoned, it frowned at our band of invaders. As if by instinct, we continued pressing towards it.

“Cadance? Can I carry the crystal?” Even walking through a dimensional rift, Lilly was getting bored. “Please?”

“Probably best if I hold onto it.” The princess replied. “We don’t want the bubble to pop, after all.”

“Why?”

“Well, we could get trapped here. And nopony would find us. That wouldn’t be fun, would it?”

“Oh…” Lilly chewed on that for a moment. “You carry it, then.”

“Hold.” Shining held up a hoof to stop us. “There’s somepony over there.” Squinting through the dimensional distortion, I could barely see the form of an amber pony half-hidden around the corner of a building. Its head was wilted forward and its hooves were paused mid-amble.

“A Crystal Pony!” Cadance whispered. “I wonder if they’re all right.”

“Hard to tell.” I mused. “For them, it’s probably the same day the two sisters came to town. Assuming, of course, they’re awake enough to notice anything at all.”

“What do you mean by that?” The princess demanded.

“You’ll see.” I sighed. Shining Armor began marching toward the figure.

“Come on. We should find out what they know.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” But my trepidation went ignored. Cadance brought the bubble of ‘normal’ time around to encompass the crystal pony and within an instant, it began plodding along the road like some glossy windup toy.

“Excuse me!” The captain began. “You there. What’s your name?” Without looking up, the forlorn pony touched the edge of the protective field and froze mid-step. Cadance shifted the field and her husband tried again.

“Can you hear me? We’re from Canterlot. We’re here to help.” Again, the orange mare passed him as if he were no more than a mailbox. Once more, the process was repeated.

“Hold on!” This time, however, Shining Armor actually stood in the way of the pony. “Can you understand us? Do you speak our language? We’d like to ask you some questions about the Crystal Empire.”

“Excuse me.” The pony looked up with cloudy eyes. “I have to go home.” Then, turning its eyes back to the ground, the mare sidestepped the stunned stallion and touched the edge of the bubble again. Shining Armor and Cadance stared at the pony in disbelief.

“Mark?” The princess asked softly, “What’s wrong with her?”

“I can’t say for certain.” I admitted. “But for now, think of them as hollow shells. King Sombra wasn’t content to just rule his subjects physically, but he owned their minds as well. Indoctrination, scare tactics, brainwashing, whatever he did, they’ve lost all sense of self. Like Joseph Stalin, the Crystal Empire couldn’t ignite a spirit of rebellion because there was no spirit to be ignited.”

“That’s terrible…” A mist settled in the princess’s eyes. “Is there anything we can do for them?”

“Yes,” I said slowly, not wanting to spoil the rest of the episode, “but first, we should just work on getting the city unfrozen. And to do that, I get the feeling we should head towards the castle.”

“Any particular reason?” Shining Armor asked.

“Oh, not really.” I shrugged. “Aside from the fact that our crystal artifact glows brighter the closer we get to the center of the city.” Shining and the rest of the guards glanced down. Sure enough, our sphere of influence had doubled in size from when we first stepped into the lost city.

“And there’s something else about that place.” Cadance offered. “I can’t put my hoof on it, but I’m sure we’ll find it when we get there.”

The rest of our journey was silent until we stood beneath the feet of the castle itself, our minds doing most of the speculation, our eyes asking most of the questions. It was with barely-restrained subtlety when I looked upon the site where the Crystal Heart would eventually sit. A circle of woven glass, too intricate for mortal craftsmen, lay sprawled out around the annex of the Empire, rising up only in the very center to form a stalagmite of watery-clear crystal. A matching stalactite hung from the underside of the castle itself, a nest waiting for the return of the Heart. Or, perhaps, Suicune’s summer home.

“Now who would build a castle like this?” Shining Armor trotted around our safe zone, critically looking up at the vaulted building above him. “There isn’t even a front gate! Just four legs for an entire palace?”

“Perhaps this is their idea of an entrance hall.” Cadance looked up at the mirrored underside of the palace.

“Or a Death Star!” Lilly squeaked. Understandably, this drew quite a few odd glances from the rest of our party. I, however, understood what she was trying to say.

“No, she’s right.” I gestured at the six roads, all running out from the center of the castle like spokes of a wheel. “Crystal is a magician’s semiconductor; aligned wrong, it can serve as a nigh-impregnable magic resistor or, when aligned properly, a nigh-perfect conduit. Ladies and gentlecolts, isn’t it obvious? Where we are standing is the very apex of the world’s largest enchantment table and it’s focusing an entire city’s worth of magic energy right onto this point.”

“What in the hoof?” Shining Armor stared at the center of the room with renewed interest. “What would anypony do with that much power?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” I winked at Lilly. “Blow up Alderaan? Absorb it all and become a nebulous, black unicorn tyrant? Dislodge a pocket of reality from the timeline?”

“If that’s what happened,” Cadance spoke with a flush of determination, “then there should be a way to control it. A way to undo what happened to the Empire.” Her eyes followed the imaginary line from the floor to the underside of the castle. “But the crystal isn’t glowing any brighter down here. We need to explore the palace.”

“Might I suggest the throne room?” I proffered. “The former king had a rather impressive setup in there."

By ‘impressive’, I didn’t mean a bedazzled version of George R. R. Martin’s Iron Throne, but that’s exactly what we found waiting for us once we ascended the spiral staircase into the bowels of the crystal tower. The oversized pony seat pulled itself out from the far wall, two pyramid tiers of glassy rock above the rest of the polished floor. Not carved by hands or hooves, it grew from the very ground, as much a part of the room and the ceiling and pillars. For a moment, I had a passing impression that the palace had grown from the throne instead of vice-versa.

“You were right, Mark.” Shining Armor flicked his horn around like a hound looking for a scent. “There are countless magic circuits running through that seat. It’s like looking at tree roots.”

“From here, I’ll bet Sombra was almost invincible.” I mused. “With all that power coursing through him, I wonder how the sisters ever dislodged him.” Perhaps the fight scene from the fan animation ‘Fall of the Crystal Empire’ was more canon than I'd assumed. Personally, I was more than OK with that since it was one of my all-time favorites.

“Um, not to worry anypony,” Cadance’s words immediately flooded our minds with worry, “but I think I figured out what was off about the palace.”

“What is it?” Shining and I asked at once. The princess’s face was scrunched up in concentration and her horn was ablaze as she explained,

“The artifact… is pulling.”

“Pulling?” I glanced behind me at the throne. Sure enough, a yawning void, just big enough for the artifact, was glaring down at us. Leaping forward as if a truck was about to hit me, my hand flew toward the crystal in Cadance’s grasp. “Wait-”

But it was too late. Like a greasy cannonball, the artifact blazed with swirling magic and slipped out of the alicorn’s magic grip. My heart leapt into my throat as it watched the gem hurl itself through the air, convinced that it would take its safety bubble with it and leave our expedition frozen like bugs in amber for all eternity.

However, the zone of protection didn’t collapse. It grew. The crystal obelisk locked its self into the mysterious receptacle above the throne and erupted with white fire like a tiny sun. For a moment, I saw color return to the entire room, then the palace beyond, and finally, the windows came alive with fresh sunlight. No more bubbles, the curse over the Crystal Empire was pierced, and beyond the city’s grassy outskirts, the endless planes of white snow could be seen once more.

“It’s back…” I gasped, trying to force my heart to begin pumping blood again. “It’s actually back. Oh, man, we got lucky. We got really lucky. That could have been very bad...” Beneath me, tiny ponies began walking through the crystal streets for the first time in a thousand years and the wind ran free once more. The silence was over.

“But what about King Sombra?” Cadance came up beside my elbow. “You said that in your episode the Crystal Empire and King Sombra returned together, but we haven’t seen him at all.”

“I don’t know. Maybe we’re too early for him.” I said helplessly. “Remember, I still think we’re ahead of ‘schedule’.”

“It seems too easy.” Shining Armor scowled at the freed sky on the horizon. “Just bring a crystal to the throne room to undo a curse spanning time and space? Anypony could have done that, so why didn’t they?”

“Well, remember, one pony might have if he didn’t die unexpectedly.” My memory flew back to the tea party with Princess Celestia. “That Saddle Arabian bloke, whatchamacallhim? Aloha Snackbar?”

“Alhaz Red?” Cadance offered.

“Yeah, that guy. The one who was in bed with Sombra? Since he had an artifact, he could have brought back the Empire whenever he wanted to.”

“Maybe that was the plan.” Shining Armor thought for a moment. “Wait until the land was at peace once more and then restore the Crystal Empire to its former strength.”

“Didn’t go as planned.” I chuckled.

“But I don’t see how that helps King Sombra.” Cadance admitted. “Unless his power is, like you said Mark, tied to the Crystal Empire.”

“I said that?” The laughter died on my lips as I fixed the princess in an uncharacteristically-stern glance.

“When you were talking about blowing up Alderaans.” My friend tilted her head.

Immediately, my eyes snapped towards the silent throne. A veritable bundle of magic circuits, all running to one place. Even an amateur alchemist like me wouldn’t have to try too hard to link all that power into a sympathy glyph. All Sombra would have to do is keep the matching glyph with him and if that was the case, then the stronger the Empire became, the more powerful Sombra got. And, vice-versa, if he were ever defeated, how difficult would it be to have a deadman’s trigger that caused the Empire to activate its emergency protocol and vanish?

“You there!” I pointed at the pegasus guard.

“I?”

“Fly to the ponies with the sleds and tell them to get their flanks within the city limits! Then get back to the Starry Redeemer and evacuate everypony! Even the railroad crew! Hightail it back to Canterlot as fast as those engines can run and don’t you dare stop for anything!”

“Mark?” Cadance stepped forward, alarmed.

“What happened?” Lilly whimpered.

“Captain, your orders?” Ignoring me, the pegasus turned toward the stallion in charge.

“What are you waiting for?” I hollered.

“What is the meaning of this?” Shining Armor looked at me sternly. “Another one of your convenient premonitions?”

Just as I was about to bite the captain’s head off, a distant sound startled everypony into silence. A lingering howl, like the crying of a parade of elephants, mixed with the squealing of metal grinding against metal. All eyes turned towards the horizon. A fountain of thick shadow, as stark as ink on a scroll, was erupting from beneath the glaciers. It twisted like a cobra, writhing in oily spirals, indifferent to the breath of the northern wind. No lucky prospector struck this fountain of black gold. It was alive and it was angry.

“Get back to the ship.” Shining Armor didn’t turn towards the pegasus. “Now.”

“Yes, sir! But, but what should I tell her highness Celestia?”

“Just tell her it’s returned!” The captain snapped. “Hurry!”

“Sir!” With a snap of his wings and a final flash of gold, the pegasus guard vanished through the window and shot off towards the sleigh ponies and the airship still hanging in the distant sky.

“Cadance!” I turned my attention back to the princess. “We need you to project a shield around the city! Whatever you do, don’t let that shadow in, do you hear me?”

“Yes, but,” Cadance’s eyes were wide. “But I need Shining Armor to-”

“You can use the throne.” I gestured at the incriminating chair. “If it works both ways, it should amplify your power across the entire city.”

“King Sombra’s throne?” She looked at the seat with a mixture of fear and awe.

“No.” I declared. “It’s your throne now.”

Swallowing hard, Cadance nodded and took her place on the cold crystal surface. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and channeled her aura back through the crystal circuits with all her might. Veins of light flickered through the floor and the tower reverberated with the sound of a million flutes. In the distance, a wave of light rose from the grassy plains like a tsunami, climbing into the sky until it met itself at the apex of the Empire itself. The shell of protection had turned the Empire into a magic fortress, the new rebellion against the shadowy King.

“That was amazing.” Shining Armor cantered up beside his wife and put a reassuring foreleg over her shoulder.

“I just hope it’s enough.” She replied, smiling bravely.

“What happens now?” Lilly asked, peering toward the distant shield as if she could still see the cloud of darkness beyond.

“We get ready.” I explained, running my tongue over my teeth. “The real episode starts now.”

Author's Note

This chapter brought to you by,
Carbon Maestro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQfxKQEe5Kc
and
Carbon Maestro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_--FWBUjNY

Ch 19: It's Dark Inside

Chapter 19
It’s Dark Inside

“Gizmo!” I ordered.

“Gismo!” Lilly dropped a harmometer into my waiting palm.

“Whatzit!” I called back.

“Whatzit!” My friend fetched a spectrometer.

“Whoozit!” I frowned critically at the puzzle before me.

“Whoozit!” A micro quantum abyss made its way towards me.

“Thank you, nurse.” Despite all my fancy tools, though, I still couldn’t make heads or tails of Sombra’s throne. The harmometer, basically an Equestrian ohm meter, couldn’t isolate one line of magic from another and the spectrometer’s lens, an arcane type of infrared camera, was overloaded and simply looked white. The quantum abyss, remarkably, remained dark save for two points of light representing myself and Lilly.

“Alright, how about the whatchamacallit?”

“Whatchamacallit!” There was a slight delay as Lilly threw her tiny black body against something about the size and shape of a French horn. It was a Coni Actuator, a device as heavy as one of those old cathode-ray TVs and just about as awkward. With a final grunt, the changeling managed to get it within arm’s reach and I pulled it towards myself carefully. But I couldn’t bring myself to use it.

“Now what?” I muttered to myself, looking from the antenna of the device to the crystal lattice before me. It was one thing to attempt to scan the throne, (though that had proven as fruitless as a wax banana) but it was another thing entirely to begin shooting it with lasers.

Lilly and I had spent the entire morning trying to isolate the connection between Sombra and the Crystal Empire, had poked the palace with every tool Celestia’s money could buy, but we had only found the end of our rope. The wave emitter was a weapon of last resort and even though I was certain that poking the individual crystal fibers with energy beams would give me a better understanding of where they led and what they did, there was also the very real risk that I could damage them instead. That was a risk I just wasn’t willing to take. I didn’t need to glance out of the window to remember that Princess Cadance and the magic she was pushing through the tower were the only things currently standing between us and a very angry unicorn king.

The sound of hooves just outside the throne room brought me back to myself. My knees popped as I rose from where I’d been kneeling and Lilly vanished in a burst of green light to be once again replaced by the image of Sweetie Belle. The great crystal doors swung open like stone wings and Princess Cadance trotted into the room, leaning heavily on her husband’s staunch shoulder. Despite the shadows beneath her eyes, the princess still carried a soothing glow about her.

“Oh, there you are, Mark.” She began cheerfully. “I was wondering where you’d-”

“What are you doing?” Shining Armor’s voice rang through the hall like a falling I-beam. His posture became rigid as his eyes swept over the magical tools scattered around my feet.

“Nothing!” For once my wit failed me and I practically glowed with guilt.

“Nothing!” Lilly repeated, pulling in her lips to copy my expression.

“What were you doing to the throne?” The captain of the guard demanded. His challenge filled the air with such a dangerous vibe, I found myself wondering if my changeling friend could taste it. As non-confrontationally as I could, I turned to the little filly and handed her some of the incriminating items.

“Lilly? Could you please put these back in the box along with the gizmo and the thingamabob? Thanks.” My helpful assistant immediately buried herself in her task, while I placed myself slightly between her and the excited unicorn.

“Sir Mark, I asked you-”

“And I told you, nothing. The throne is fine.”

“Is that so? Because from over here, it looks like you’re aiming a Coni Actuator at it!” Shining Armor continued to walk towards me, leaving his wife to stare after him with wide eyes. “Tools like that are used for mining crystal and breaking locks! What were you thinking?”

“Take it easy.” I said in my best horse whisperer voice. “I wasn’t going to do anything like that.”

“Mark, would you mind explaining your setup here?” Princess Cadance bravely stepped between her husband and I. Nodding, I explained,

“I’m still convinced that Sombra is harvesting magic for himself from the Crystal Empire. It would explain why bringing back the Empire also gave our enemy enough strength to escape his igloo prison. I want to know how he’s doing it.”

“But if you had damaged the throne,” Shining Armor pressed, “you would have taken away the only defense we have against King Sombra!”

“Congrats.” I muttered. “You’ve caught up to me two minutes ago.”

“That thing outside has been relentlessly testing Cadance’s defenses since yesterday.” The white unicorn glanced at his wife. “Each time he’s getting stronger and smarter and you were dangerously close to giving him the very opening he’s been looking for! Didn’t I warn you not to try and pull a stunt like this? What’s your plan?”

“Plan?” I arched my eyebrows at the captain. “You just said it. Now that Sombra’s returned, he’s getting stronger all the time. I figured I could save everypony a whole lot of trouble if I could cut Sombra off early. Without his power source, he’d be at a stalemate, maybe even forced to surrender, or at least it’d open him up to negotiations. To me, it was worth a shot.”

“And did you have any luck?” Cadance’s eyes brightened momentarily.

“Well…” I looked down at Lilly and scratched the back of my head. Unfortunately, even that roundabout gesture was enough to extinguish the princess’s hope and her shoulders deflated ever so slightly.

Sympathy glyphs, harmony circuits, even echo ports, everything I (in my limited career) knew could transfer energy or information from one place to another had eluded me during my scan of the Crystal Throne. Perhaps it was inexperience that caused me to believe I could unplug Sombra’s lifeline to the kingdom as easily as unplugging a Wi-Fi router, perhaps it was arrogance that made me think I should try, and perhaps I just didn’t want a repeat of the Queen Chrysalis dilemma. All I knew was that it would be nice to have a little more leverage over the living storm cloud currently haunting the snowy wastes.

“So,” Shining Armor spoke up, “even after assuring us that we should be safe until help arrives, you still went ahead to try and defeat King Sombra on your own.”

“No.” I said icily. “I just wanted to make things easier.” My head tilted towards Princess Cadance. “I have complete faith in her, but that little shadow out there isn’t going to be little forever. By the time the finale rolls around, ol’ Smokey is going to get bigger. A lot bigger. Think, big-enough-to-assault-the-city-from-every-direction-at-once bigger. And if he has more time to amass power for himself because we woke him up earlier than he was ‘supposed’ to be, well… that’s my fault isn’t it? I’m just trying to help.”

“Nopony blames you, Mark.” Cadance assured, although the expressions on her guard and her husband said otherwise. “The Starry Redeemer left safely. If Princess Celestia got our message, then Twilight and her friends should be here by this afternoon.”

“Aunty Twilight’s coming?” Lilly perked up like a daisy.

“And the others, too.” My hand ruffled the filly’s head playfully. “They want to see the city we found.”

“They can’t come into my room!” The changeling flushed with embarrassment. “I sneezed.” That was her not-so-subtle way of telling me that there was a fresh pile of GLASS hidden behind one of the palace’s lucky doors.

“I just don’t see how you think working behind our backs is just fine, but you won’t even listen to me and my ideas for stopping Sombra!” Shining Armor’s voice was as sharp as a sword, and he swung it at me like a challenge.

“Umm… yeah?” Instead of a tactical retreat, I matched his tone with my own. “Because your idea was” (stupid) “unsound! We can’t have you gallivanting into enemy territory when we’re spread thin enough as it is.”

“If we can find King Sombra’s old prison, we might be able to find out how the Royal Sisters were able to contain him for so long!” Shining countered. “That could be just the knowledge we need to win this fight!”

“There is no fight!” I snapped. “Don’t you get it? You can’t fight a shadow! Not with the magic we have right now, anyway! You step outside this city, you’re as good as kibble for Sombra!”

“So you want us to just sit here?” The captain locked his jaw. “I won’t do that!”

“Nor should you.” My eyes flicked between the stallion and the quiet guard at the back of the room. “Have you mapped off the castle and the city like I asked?” A cold spark flickered in Shining Armor’s eyes.

“It’s not your place to give orders, Mark!”

“I’m not giving orders!” A hand leapt up to my forehead as if to prevent my mounting frustration from exploding out of my brow. “Can’t you see I’m trying to help?”

“By having us run useless errands?” Shining Armor countered.

“Yes!” My voice popped like a firecracker, startling Lilly into dropping the harmometer. “Little things now can make a big difference for the future! You have to trust me on this.”

“Why?” The white unicorn lifted his jaw critically. “You seem to have no problem giving us information only when it suits you. Why should we trust you if you can’t trust us?” A groan large enough to be quantified on the Richter scale rose up in my chest, but I beat it back down.

“You do realize that there are bigger things at stake here if we mess this up, right?” My annunciation was crisper than a crabapple and just as tart.

“Without a doubt.” Shining Armor threw a protective foreleg over Cadance. “More so than you can possibly imagine.”

“Don’t be so sure.” I simmered, kneeling down beside Lilly. The changeling had spent the last minute and a half trying to fit the harmometer back into its velveted case, only for me to explain that she was putting it in backwards.

“Right.” The captain snorted. “I forgot you find a lot of kinship in a creature that lies for a living.”

Etiquette be damned. It was one thing for jerks to be jerky to me, I could take it, but no one, god or mortal, was going to talk about my little girl like that. With flames in my nostrils and sparks on my tongue, I whirled around to face my opponent head-on.

“Excuse me?” I shouted. “Are you trying to be a turd blossom!? Because that’s how you become a turd blossom!”

“Ah-!” Lilly Limn gasped and held a hoof up to her mouth at my sudden outburst of profanity.

“At least what I’m trying isn’t going to serve our heads to King Sombra on a silver pl-”

“Are you kidding? That’s exactly what you’re asking-”

“You’re not the captain and you should stop trying to act like it-”

“BOYS!” Princess Cadance’s call cracked like a whip and fell like a gavel, stunning the room into silence. The pink alicorn threw a disapproving glance at myself and Shining Armor as her one word continued to ring in our ears. Quickly, the princess shrugged off her husband’s leg and knelt down next to Lilly. The young filly was glancing around at the scene with tears swelling in her eyes.

“Hey…” I wanted to comfort the filly too, but Cadance threw a protective wing over her, blocking me.

“You two can take this outside.” It wasn’t a suggestion. The princess’s heavy gaze drifted from Shining to myself. “Now.”

“Cadance-” But the captain was cut off.

“If you’ll excuse us,” The alicorn escorted her fragile charge back out the throne room doors, “Lilly and I are going to find some decorations to brighten up this drafty old castle, right Lilly?”

“Snnnnf!” The changeling swallowed salty snot and nodded.

“That’s right.” Cadance soothed. To us, she added, “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but by the time we get back, you’d better get this sorted out. Do you understand?”

“Hey, I’m not-”

“I said, do you understand, Mark?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I gulped. Shining and I watched as Cadance vanished, taking the remaining guard pony with her. In silence, I finished putting away the magical instruments and hauled them back out of the throne room. Ruefully, Shining Armor followed.

Once the two of us were back in my temporary lab and safely sealed behind closed doors, (I took a moment to scrape crystalline green ectoplasm off the door jam) I adopted what I hoped was an apologetic tone and simply asked,

“Look, man, what do you want from me?”

“Your cooperation, of course.” The stallion answered without hesitation. At that, I chuckled and nodded.

“Heh. Funny, I was about to ask the same of you.”

“I need you to tell me how we’re going to get through this!” Captain Shining Armor measured out his syllables carefully. Donning a shawl of modesty, I confessed,

“I can’t do that.”

“Of course you can’t!” The unicorn nickered. “That would be too easy.”

“You misunderstand.” I even closed my eyes to keep my sudden flare of irritation from rising anew. “I can’t tell you what else we need to do because I myself don’t know what else we can do. Everything that needs to be in place is already in place. Trying to change events too much at this point might actually do more harm than good, and rewrite the episode as I know it.”

“Then at least tell me how we finally defeat King Sombra!” Shining Armor snorted. “Help me be ready for when it’s time for us to bring him down!”

I pondered the pony’s proposal for a moment. The problem I’d always encountered when I’d contemplated telling my friends the future was the chance of them acting differently if they knew what was in store for them. Twilight Sparkle and her visit from the “Twiminator” was a perfect example of a pony trying to not do whatever it was she “did” before. The danger, of course, was that a character might miss their cue if they weren’t where they were supposed to be at the right time. For instance, if Shining Armor thought he could defeat Sombra, he might not be by Cadance’s side at the finale. If he wasn’t there, who would keep her awake long enough to catch Spike and the falling Crystal Heart? As a compromise, I simply offered,

“We don’t defeat Sombra.”

“What? But you said-”

“Hear me out.” I held up a hand. “I said ‘we’. This war will not be solved with force. Not like before, and not with our force. Really, this battle belongs to the Crystal Ponies. King Sombra will always remain in power as long as he reigns over their hearts. This ends only when they have the courage to finally stand up against him. So, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but your role isn’t out there. You need to keep Cadance safe, all right? That’s your place.”

There was a long moment of silence between us as Shining Armor considered my answer. Even before he spoke, I knew he wasn’t happy, his glances down into the city told me he’d rather not bet Cadance’s life on the power of strangers, and when he answered, the chill in his voice made the snowy wastelands looks like a Bahamas resort,

“Right. Because that’s how you see us. Puppets on the end of our strings.” With nothing left to say, least of all to me, the captain of the guard flicked his tail and marched toward the door. The panels of crystal swung open at his approach and silently sealed a moment after he left, leaving me to massage the bridge of my nose and wonder just what I had done to deserve his ilk.

“Freaking doodlebasket…”

For the rest of the morning, I didn’t see hide or hair (or chitin) of anypony. I wandered the polished halls of the palace, checking rooms, poking my head through doors, and generally exploring Cadance’s new residence. Since Shining Armor had decided that his time was best spent sulking, arguing, and generally causing unnecessary interpersonal friction, it was left up to me to put the finishing touches on the palace before the main characters arrived. To ensure that nopony would get lost while running through the confusing tower-palace, (*cough* TwilightandSpike*cough*) I stuck waypoints at the intersection of each hallway and labeled each room by number and function. By the time lunch rolled around, most of the conventional palace, omitting the secret passageways, was clearly mapped and marked. I was even fortunate enough to uncover a number of storage rooms full of fabrics and suits of practice armor.

It was in one of the lower levels, just down the hall from a room I’d dubbed the ‘dining hall’, where I found the kitchens. Judging by the rows of low tables, the utensils hanging from the ceiling, and the wall of ovens, I probably could have deduced their function on my own, but at that moment I didn’t need anything more than my nose and a slow deep breath to tell me where I was. Even before the doors swung open for me, I knew that there was food nearby and that something amazing was in the works.

“Mark!” Lilly Limn leapt down from a stool beside one of the tables and ran towards me, leaving white flour footprints in her wake. Behind her, I could see Cadance wearing an apron and a soft smile.

“Oh, nice.” The princess greeted. “We were just about to go looking for you.”

“Mark! Mark! Come look at what I made for you!” The little changeling tugged at my pant leg and escorted me back to where the pink alicorn stood. As I got closer, I saw a pastry battleground littered with discarded dough and strewn with crumby debris. In the very middle of the mess was a collection of adorable amoebas.

“Lilly says cookies always cheer you up, so I offered to help her make some.” Cadance explained, her eyes twinkling. “Fortunately, all the ingredients are still fresh, even after a thousand years! The hardest part was figuring out how to cook with a crystal oven!”

“This one is you!” Lilly pushed a shape towards me resembling a tree trunk with a nose.

“Oh, nice.” I grinned. “Very handsome and very… tall.”

“That one is Cadance.” The little hoof gestured at a meticulously-crafted daisy. Apparently, each “petal” was one of the princess’s feathers. “I made me too!” The image representing Lilly had a hood sticking off the back of her head as big as a toucan’s beak. Lastly came poor Shining Armor. “Cadance asked me to make him too.”

“Aw, that’s thoughtful.” I tilted my head and squinted at the solitary pastry. “But why does he look so small?”

“She thought you’d get upset if his cookie was bigger than yours.” Cadance whispered, trying hard to keep a straight face.

“Ohhhh….” Now it was my turn to stifle a laugh.

“By the way…” The princess opened one of the ovens, releasing a fresh wave of olfactory bliss into the room. “Did you and Shining Armor have a productive talk?”

“Hard to tell.” I admitted, cradling the cookie “me” in both hands. “I’ve told him all I can without spoiling anything, but I get the feeling he’s already made up his mind that he just doesn’t like me.”

“Ew! Mark’s eating Mark!” My little friend shrieked with glee as I popped half of “myself” into my mouth.

“And I’m very delicious.” I tried to speak around the crumbs gluing my tongue down. “Apparently, I taste like ginger snaps.”

“Eat me next!” My hands were barely clear of the first treat before Lilly forced the next one upon me. “I don’t want it.”

“Here are some fresh ones.” Cadance offered, sliding the still-molten treats off a baking pan. In the same motion, she also produced a glass bottle of a fruity drink and popped it open for Lilly.

“Thank you.” While the changeling and I settled down to enjoy our snacks, the princess lowered her voice and addressed me privately. Slowly, she began,

“You know… Shining Armor stayed awake all last night.”

“Huh?”

“He kept me company while I held the shield around the Empire.” Cadance sighed. “He gave me water to drink, walked with me, talked for hours and hours about nothing at all. Mark, I want you to understand that Shining Armor isn’t trying to be a difficult person. He just wants what’s best for us.” I popped open a bottle of juice and took a long swig before answering.

“Not to sound obstinate, princess, but he could’ve fooled me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but there’s a difference between being stressed out and calling Lilly a career liar.”

“I know.” The pink pony nodded with a surprising amount of enthusiasm. “And believe me, he’s going to apologize for that before this is though. But remember, he deals with stress in his own way. Anger is how he shows his fear. Right now, Mark, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so afraid.” The pony’s ears folded back and she bowed her head. “Please… Please don’t let fighting separate you two. You still need to watch out for each other. You still need to keep him safe. Please, for me.”

The princess’s voice had been steadily growing slower and slower until the very last words barely made it out at all. When she looked up, Cadance’s face was pulled tight and her eyes were brimming with crystalline tears. I shifted uncomfortably under her expression, not sure how our conversation had become so emotional so quickly, but then I remembered that she had foregone sleep the night before and was already reaching her mental limits. I had Lilly fetch a towel and I immediately began trying to stem the flow of tears before they threatened to erupt like a geyser.

“Cadance,” I offered, smiling awkwardly, “don’t worry about it. Hey! I said don’t worry. Look, alright, I’ll admit that from an emotional point of view, sometimes I’d like nothing better than to slap him in the face with a ripe halibut, -”

“Well, sometimes he might actually deserve it.” Cadance admitted sheepishly.

“-but believe me when I say that there’s nothing Shining Armor can say or do that would exclude him from my protection. In the end, he’s still Twilight Sparkle’s brother and he’s still your husband. That means I watch over him too, all right?” A tiny naysaying voice in the back of my head tried to argue that there were any of a number of stupid things a panicky self-righteous pony like Shining could do that would be beyond my control to protect him from, but for the sake of myself and Cadance, I shut the door in that tiny voice’s face.

“Thank you, Mark.” The princess took a deep breath to steady herself. “And, again, I’m sorry for how Shining’s been acting.”

“Now that I think of it, I can’t blame him.” My words were the “right” ones, even if I myself didn’t believe them. “So far, I think being under siege has been one of the most stressful things I’ve ever done. And this is just after one day. Makes you wonder how Troy ever managed without going insane. Oh, wait, Cassandra didn’t.”

“Well, did ‘Troy’ have cookies?” With a twinkle in her eye and a star on her horn, the princess swept the batch of fresh cookies onto a tray and began trotting toward the kitchen doors. “Let’s go find where everypony else is hiding. I’m sure they could use some snacks too.”

“Sounds like an idea.” I glanced at Lilly. “Coming, ladybug?”

“Coming!” The changeling tried to copy Cadance by brushing her own cookie creations onto a plate and running after us with it balancing in her mouth.

However, the snack run wasn’t as straight forward as our party initially thought. The throne room, and the dining hall were both empty and only two of our three guard ponies were to be found back in the main hall. I’ll admit, I wasn’t looking forward to finding Shining Armor again, but there was something about his mysterious absence that worried me far more than it should have. Eventually, we were forced to search the last location where we knew a pony would be posted.

“Good day, Thunder Clap!” Cadance greeted as we stepped onto the palace balcony. Above us, the domed sky pulsed with the princess’s shield spell while the streets of the Crystal Empire splayed out beneath us like spider webs. In front of us stood a royal guard with his eye firmly pressed to a bronze telescope. “Anything new?”

“Ma’am!” The guard pony clicked his horseshoes together and gave a brisk salute. “No, ma’am, everything is quiet.”

“Too quiet?” I clarified, studying the stallion’s face.

“I would say so.” Thunder Clap twitched a nod. “After this morning’s attack by the mysterious assailant, there’s been no sign of him.”

“Sombra’s playing the long game now.” My fingers tapped impatiently on the crystal railings. “He knows he can’t just break in. Not yet. So he’s waiting to see what we’ll do next. But make no mistake, he’s out there.”

“We brought you something.” Cadance offered the guard her tray of goodies.

“Oh! Why thank you.”

“Also, sir Thunder Clap, we were wondering if you knew where Captain Shining Armor has gotten off to.” I continued studying the horizon as I spoke.

“Well, he’s probably at the train station by now, isn’t he?” The guard frowned. My fingers froze mid-tap.

“He what?” I breathed, my voice eking out of my throat like liquid nitrogen. My basilisk stare slowly turned towards the stallion, locking him and Princess Cadance in place. “What did you just say?”

“Uh, the train station?” The guard faltered. “Captain Shining Armor was up here not an hour ago when I saw a train approaching from the south. There was no sign of danger so he said that he would rendezvous with the new arrivals.” Thunder Clap looked from myself to Cadance and back again. “He also said that he would notify you of his departure. He did, didn’t he?”

“No…” The ice in my chest caught fire with a familiar tingling sensation. “No, he did not!”

“Mark?” Lilly’s plate of cookies was trembling as she glanced up at my pale face and wild eyes.

Without hesitating, I plucked up the guard’s telescope, tripod and all, and turned its lens towards the south. In the distance, just barely viewable through the glowing shield of light, were the dotted lines of the train tracks and eight tiny flecks of dust representing the newcomers and their boneheaded escort.

“Fracking mushroom balls!” I fumed, dropping the telescope and sprinting back into the palace.

“Mark! Mark, what did you see!” There was a pair of twin clattering noises as Cadance and Lilly both dropped their trays and ran after me as quickly as they could. Instead of answering, however, I forced my lungs to focus on the more important task of shoveling atmosphere in and out of my ribcage. My body threw itself into the stairwell and dove down the flight of steps as fast as gravity would allow. Only when I reached the floor where my box of tricks was stashed, did I dare waste time talking.

“He went off on his own!” I seethed, plowing through the glassy halls. “I told him not to go out there! I told him! And he went and did it anyway! That idiot went to the train station on his own! Why, darn it, why!?”

“Mark! Talk to me!” Cadance pleaded. “What’s happening!”

“It’s a trap!” Admiral Ackbar despaired. Unfortunately, I fear my response did more harm than good as Cadance’s face immediately fell ashen white. “Sombra’s going to intercept them before they make it back to the Empire and I need to be there to stop him! I need to be there right now! I was supposed to be ready for this!” As I spoke, I ripped the lid off of my steamer trunk and began throwing endurance potions and health elixirs and cakes of lembas bread in all directions. Finally, my fingers closed around the middle of a stout rod which I tore out of storage. The wood that it was made of was nothing special, but like my old “fire rod” (may it rest in peace), I had attached something special to its crown. A cluster of polished gems, all linked together by cord glistened in the sunlight.

But my invention was no good sitting in a room in the palace. It belonged with Shining Armor, a desperate answer to my imagination’s worst-case scenario. An answer that might very well hold the fate of the stubborn stallion’s life in the balance.

“In the episode,” I explained, my fingers becoming weak and shaky as I held the rod, “Shining Armor faces Sombra’s shadow form to give the girls enough time to make it to the Crystal Empire. But he’s overwhelmed. The episode shows him emerging from the fight unharmed, save for a curse clinging to his horn, but I fear things won’t turn out so convenient in the real world. In reality, there’s no reason Sombra would give up a crippled unicorn like that. Shining is a soldier, he knows about the city’s defenses, and he’s our friend. No, if Shining is captured, it’s far more likely that he’ll be tortured or used as leverage rather than simply be caught and released.”

“Then we have to save him!” Cadance cried, her own throat strangling her voice. “We have to-”

“No! ‘We’ can’t! You’re not going anywhere!” I snapped. “No matter what happens, you’re the one protecting the entire empire! You have to keep that shield up! Every pony in this town of Bedrock is counting on you!” I would have continued arguing my point, but a soft glint of green light flickered from within my trunk, causing me to hesitate.

“But there has to be something you can do!” The princess protested. “You can’t just let him face Sombra alone! You can’t abandon him!” Her cries were rising in pitch until she was crying. “You have to have a plan! Mark! Tell me! What are you going to do?”

“I’m…” I knelt back down next to the trunk and gingerly touched the spark of green light. “… going to do something incredibly… stupid.” As I drew back my hand, my face was bathed in the vaporous green glow of the bottle of distilled wind essence. “But I made a promise, didn’t I? To protect Shining Armor.”

My muse was simultaneously brilliant and completely off her rocker. On the one hand, any alchemist knew that the best endurance and speed-enhancing potions used “wind essence” as their main ingredient. A properly crafted brew could harness the boundless energy of a whirlwind, accelerating a pony’s metabolism to Dashiell Robert Parr levels of athleticism. However, raw essence without a metabolizing agent to help it synthesize with a host was a very dangerous thing. Little better than nitroglycerin, ingesting it by itself could result in disastrous side-effects, at best, forcing a user to burp for a hours on end and, at worse, making them pop like a balloon full of Coke and Menos. I’d been planning on using Princess Celestia’s gift to craft some quality potions for Cadance to ensure that she would be awake and ready to fight when Sombra made his final push into the Empire, but desperate times called for equally desperate measures.

“Mark-?” There was an uneasy sigh, like wind through the trees, as I twisted off the lid to the vial. I could see the ghostly emerald light reflected in Cadance and Lilly’s eyes as they watched me toss back the tiny bottle and swallow the contents in a single gulp.

A “gulp”, however, turned out to be the wrong means of consumption. As the thick gas cascaded down my throat, it immediately began to expand into a full-blown tempest, rushing not into my stomach, but into the deepest corners of my lungs. For the span of a moment, all I could do was gurgle at the bizarre sensation as my chest swelled with the chaos of a rising storm. Drinking the raw element felt simultaneously like chewing on mint gum and sticking my head out of the window of a speeding car. Writhing coils of air churned like a nest of snakes within my lungs, expanding them to the bursting point. Without an outlet to direct the power of the whirlwind toward, I'm sure I would have torn apart right then and there like a fleshy truck tire. Fortunately, I had an outlet for all that energy.

“I have to go.” Tightening my grip on the makeshift rod, I once more threw myself into the palace halls.

“No! No, Mark! Wait! Mark!” Behind me, I could head Lilly’s panicked cries, but I didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, couldn’t hesitate, not even for her. The seconds were counting down to Shining’s doom as surely as Edgar Allan Poe’s pendulum and I was already breaking the laws of nature to catch up.

Though I could already imagine the looks of shock and disbelief on Twilight and Zecora’s faces when I told them I’d ingested raw potion ingredients, the sensation of sprinting through the crystal halls with an elementally-charged body was bordering on euphoric. My movements weren’t those of a cheetah or a bird or even Usain Bolt, as each of those examples needs to push through the air to move. No, I was a ripple in the atmosphere, weightless, unrestrained, free and the air passed through me as easily as I passed through it. The best way to illustrate what that moment felt like would be to envision oneself sprinting as hard and as fast as your body could possibly go, but without ever feeling the slightest hint of fatigue.

“No! Wait for me! Mark? Mark! Daddy!” As I burst out onto the crystal roads beneath the palace, the sound of Lilly’s hooffalls finally died away behind me.

“Faster. Faster! Faster!” I clenched my teeth as I reached a straightaway. “Come on!” My body instinctively abandoned the realms of ergonomics and physics, the wind element’s gift overriding such mortal constrictions, and I found myself flying over the ground with my head lowered and arms swept behind me Naruto-style. (No, not like Sonic, and no, I did not have “City Escape” playing in my head.)

Buildings whipped by in prism-casting blurs as I tore through the Empire, but my eyes remained ever locked on the grassy outskirts and the snowy wilderness beyond. Despite my prayers and silent pleas, even as I watched, the familiar cloud of Sombra erupted from his hiding place within the pure white land, staining the sky with his black and inky form. The nova of dark magic and unicorn crashed down upon the snow and began slithering after a small group of fleeing ponies. My friends ran over the icy ground as fast as their hooves could carry them, while King Sombra pursued them like a living river of malice and rage.

“No, no, no! Not yet!” I abandoned the road and threw whatever windI had left into my legs as I plunged into the emerald fields around the Crystal Empire. My feet flew above the ocean of grass, barely touching the ground as they swept me towards the rising maelstrom.

At long last, the inevitable came to pass. A form coalesced at the crown of the dark shape, a face both swollen with power and starving for more. King Sombra grinned down at his prey with a wolfish smile, revealing a row of unnaturally pointed teeth. Shining Armor took this as an opening and he immediately spun on his hoof and leveled his horn at the figure.

“No!” My magic-infused lungs warbled as I hit the barrier around the city. Its warm light pelted my face as if I were plunging through a pool of water, and I at last found myself once more greeted by the cruel blows of the icy wasteland wind.

“Mark?” By the time Rainbow Dash even opened her mouth, there was nothing left of me but a flurry of kicked-up snow. My unblinking eyes watered beneath the onslaught of snowflakes raining upon me, but their pain couldn’t compare to the gradual tightening of despair’s grip over my chest. Shining Armor’s short and ill-fated battle was already drawing to a close.

The brave unicorn fired a fierce ray of purple magic at the snarling face, momentarily stopping the advancing wall of darkness. Unfortunately, for the lone knight, Sombra’s hesitation was born more out of amusement than vulnerability. The smoky magic twisted, cleanly avoiding the unicorn’s bolt and re-coagulating in a new location. I caught a glimpse of a pair of hungry eyes in the storm, saw their glee, and watched as they pounced on the hapless captain of the guard. Shining Armor’s small form was smothered in a cascading waterfall of pitch black night.

As the last of despair’s cold fingers clinched their grip upon my heart, they might have been surprised to suddenly find they were handling a blazing orange furnace.

“Don’t you dare touch him!” I roared. My weightless body skipped off a snow bank as I leapt headlong into the inky storm. With one hand, I brandished my sturdy rod, and with the other, I pulled free its cord. As one, seven of Princess Luna’s ward artifacts flared to life with an electric blue aura, engulfing me in a ball of searing light.

The tendrils of Sombra’s evanescent body melted away as I fell into a swirling world of night and wind. All around me, at the limits of my rod’s reach, the unicorn king continued to flow and writhe like an angry blizzard while the pure snow glinted beneath my feet. My wild eyes flicked around the edges of the tiny clearing, searching for any sign of Shining Armor. At last, I caught a glimpse of an onyx-blue hoof and the tip of a matching tail, but the living cloud was already trying to drag Shining’s body deeper into itself like some greedy animal.

“Hey! Back off! Get off of him!” I brandished the rod against the swirling wall, burning it away until I had safely exposed the rest of Shining Armor’s body. He was lying on his side, unmoving, eyes shut tight as if in pain or else trapped in a nightmare. His once noble horn was already encrusted with Sombra’s special magic-resistant crystals. With only the slightest glance of helplessness at the storm around me, I stuck my rod in the snow and knelt down next to the captain, shaking him slightly.

“C’mon, man, come on!” Another glance at Sombra’s prison. “You’re not getting away from me that easily! Shining Armor. Wake up! Freaking… GET UP YOU NERD!” A swift backhand across the white unicorn’s jaw seemed to do the trick.

“Ungh! Huh?”

“Get up, soldier!” I hollered over the sound of swirling gaseous unicorn king. “We're not out of the woods yet!”

“M-Mark?”

“What? You expecting, Bugs Bunny? Let’s move!” I seized the stallion by the back of his saddle and hauled him to his hooves. He wavered for a moment, but otherwise seemed to be unharmed.

A chirrup, the sound of breaking glass, pierced the howling air and the two of us glanced up to see one of my ward devices fall dark. The entire eye of the storm shook as a rolling laugh crushed us from everywhere at once. Even the shadows seemed to sprout maliciously grinning fangs.

“This way!” I hollered, brandishing my staff and stumbling in the direction I hoped the Crystal Empire lay. Yet, even after several yards, I realized that the hoofprints Twilight and the girls had left in the snow were nowhere to be seen. Sombra’s maelstrom had obliterated any clue that we were pushing in the right direction, a subtle, but no less tortuous strategy to thwart us in our race against time. Another ward popped like an angry fuse.

“Hssss…” The air frothed with the unicorn king’s displeasure as Shining Armor and I broke into a run. The shadows continued pressing in on every side, poking at our defenses, straining the orbs I held aloft, licking at our heels. Finally, a new shape coalesced from the artificial night, a small thorn that I first took to be a rock. With a start, I realized that the black shape lying on the ground was one of Sombra’s magic crystals, a pocket of darkness so dense that it was able to stand closer to the ward than anything else before evaporating. If the mad King had thought of it sooner, he might have been able to build a better hedge with his spells, but just as two more orbs blinked dark, the wall of shadow before us could follow no longer.

There was a bright surface of light, a barrier of warm baby blue, and through it, Shining Armor and I could see the Crystal Empire and an entourage of very worried-looking ponies. (And a dragon.)

“Gyuh!” The captain and I threw ourselves down onto the grass as the living smoke licked one last time at our legs. Then, it was over. The howling was gone, replaced with a stunned silence. The claustrophobia was gone, replaced with a wide open sky. The only sounds that disturbed the peace was our own shivering breaths and the last ward orbs clicking out of life. The quiet didn’t last long.

“Shining Armor! Mark!”

“Guys!”

“They’re all right!”

“You’re safe!”

“Thank goodness!”

“Told you they’d make it!”

“No you didn’t, Pinkie!”

“Well, darn it all if you two boys ain’t nuttier than a pair of fruit cakes!” Applejack appeared above me and nuzzled me onto my knees. Then, quieter, she added, “Glad you see you’re safe.”

“Yeah…” My shoulders began to shake with a gesture reminiscent of laughter. “Ugh, you too, girls. Some welcome, huh?” Despair had finally slunk back into its lonely little den, leaving my head swimming with a feeling of inebriating relief. Behind me, Twilight was pulling her brother to his feet as well.

“Oh no! Shining Armor, your horn!” The magic student gestured helplessly at the parasitic crystals embedded in her brother’s forehead. Shining blinked a couple times, tried to rally his focus, but as he attempted to push magic through his once-mighty horn, all that the captain managed to produce was a feeble ringing noise and a few sparks of fractured black lightning.

“Save your strength.” I grunted, throwing the captain a dirty look. “You’re lucky you didn’t lose more than your horn.” Remarkably, the white unicorn didn’t argue.

“Ma-Mark! Cough! Mark! Cough, cough!” A pitiful whimper caught my attention and sunk into my heart like iron harpoons. With mingled feelings of shame, regret, and happiness filling me all at once, I glanced up to see Lilly’s tiny form stumbling through the tall grass towards us. Ignoring my protesting knees, I lurched forward and scooped up the young changeling just as she was about to collapse. Her limbs shivered, her breath came in ragged gasps, and even her Sweetie Belle disguise had burned away, but from her glassy blue eyes fell bitter tears of relief.

“Oh my gosh I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that, Lilly. You’re a real trooper, you know that? Hey, it’s gonna be all right, I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. Shh…” I whispered into the filly’s ear as I rocked back and forth. Her black hooves tightened like a vice upon my shirt, as if afraid that I might plunge back into the heart of Sombra’s hurricane if she dared to let go. I caught Shining Armor watching the scene with a face as blank as whitewash, unreadable and detached.

“Hey, Mark.” Twilight Sparkle nudged my elbow. “Thanks.” Her lavender eyes glanced from my wilted magic rod to Shining Armor and back to the force field where Sombra continued raging against the barrier like a lion behind a pane of glass. It didn’t take a detective to piece together the signs that I had known about the nebulous king’s ambush beforehand. “Thanks for rescuing Shining from that… thing.”

“You’re… welcome.” I murmured. Refraining, for the moment, from using a few choice words I had for the girl’s brother.

“That was some fast thinking!” Rainbow Dash punched a hoof in the air. “Woo! Way to go, guys!”

“But, now what?” Fluttershy’s voice was small and fragile, as if she hadn’t fully recovered it from her mad dash a moment before. “That thing’s still out there.”

“Now,” I announced, leveling my eyes at Sombra’s slithering shadowy singularity, “We should- hngh!" My lungs seized. "We need to a- cough! Cough! Wh-aaah!?"

I fell forward, my words buried beneath a sudden assault of hacking and coughing. My stomach retched and it was all I could do to drop Lilly to the grass before I doubled over, wheezing and howling like a cat working up a hairball. Something was still at work within my lungs, I could feel it, a force boiling just behind my brestbone, a pressure threatening to split my chest wide open. A hot wave of panic flushed through me as I realized what was happening. I was still brimming with wind essence and now that I'd stopped running to burn it off, there was no place for the tempest's power to go. I was overflowing with the breath of life and it was strangling me.

"Mark? Mark! What's wrong?" Twilight Sparkle patted me on the back as a fresh fit of coughing consumed me, my hands braced on the ground at either side of me.

"Was it something you ate?" Pinkie Pie cocked her head as I heaved, spewing a pile of foamy white mucus onto the grass. "Glue and soda water will do that you you, trust me." I couldn't answer her. All I could do was turn my watery eyes on the ring of faces around me, willing them to understand that something had gone very wrong.

"It-" My lungs fluttered like a pair of meaty butterfly wings. "I-" I threw up my tongue. "Essence- Cough! Cough!" The slithering coils of air trapped within me were scraping the mucus from the walls of my aveoli like a wire brushing taking paint from a wall. The result was a constant stream of water and meringue cascading from my lips. My shoulders began to ache from the tension.

"He can't breathe!" Rarity cried, trying not to look at the spectacle.

"Are you poisoned?" Rainbow Dash demanded. "You breathe too much smoke?"

"Missy Pinkie said it!" Lilly hollered, trying to make her voice heard. "Missy Pinkie's right!"

"Glue and soda?" Twilight Sparkle asked doubtfully.

"No!" The filly stamped a hoof. "Stupid potion!"

"A potion?" That got Twilight's attention.

"No, 'stupid potion'!" Lilly corrected.

"Stupid what now?" Applejack joined Pinkie in the tilted-head-club.

"Well, Mark said it was stupid..." The tiny changeling's voice wilted.

"Mark, what did you do to yourself?" Twilight turned her ears toward me as if they were a pair of AA guns. She looked positively intimidating looming above me as I convulsed on the grass. Not that I could really appreciate the effect, however, due to the fact that my vision was simultaneously bursting with stars and being swallowed by darkness. I gestured helplessly at Lilly, my secondhand voice where mine had failed.

"Wind essence?" The changeling offered.

"Really? Where did you get-" Twilight cut herself off. "It doesn't matter! How much did you ingest, Mark?"

With streams of white foam, like toothpaste, eking out of the corners of my mouth, I tried to hold up two fingers, symbolizing a vial about the size of a shot glass.

"Oh, that's not a lot." Rainbow Dash breathed a sigh of relief. Twilight, on the other hoof, gawked at me as if she could see Hurricane Katrina itself trying to claw its way out of my chest.

"Everypony stand back!" The purple unicorn's voice sounded muffled and distant by that point. "We've only got one shot at this! Fluttershy, hold onto Lilly."

"M-Mark?" The changeling gulped. The ring of concerned faces retreated, giving a wide berth to my twitching form and Twilight's ridged posture. Without wasting a moment, the unicorn flooded the scene with her magic, burying me in a blanket of her aura.

It felt like being enveloped in plastic, as if I wasn't already fighting for breath. Twilight's magic spell searched my skin, causing the hairs on my outstretched arms to prickle, and then there was a crushing sensation. A strangulation without any pressure, a weight that didn't push me into the grass, a constriction without tightening upon me. My watery eyes bulged and I tried to gasp, but Twilight's magic might as well have been a swimming pool and I was wrapped in a tarp. Something pushed up through my neck, like a hand or an eel, and when it finally reached the back of my throat, I was reminded of what it was like to try sucking on a vacuum nozzle.

"Kaaahhh!" Like squeezing juice out of a big pink grape, Twilight Sparkle crushed the foreign magic out of my body. By that point, as I fought to stay conscious, time had little meaning, but I got the impression that I was hanging in the air for for than a couple seconds, wispy veins of ribbony green light spilling from my mouth into the blue sky. A clean exorcism even Akatsuki would be proud of.

When it was all over, Twilight released me and I collapsed like a wet rag, breathing erratically, but at lease breathing on my own once more. At once, the crowd of faces closed back in. Lilly tackled me, nearly toppling me over, and the other ponies each expressed their relief in their own ways.

"Don't go scaring us like that!"

"Did you see a long tunnel?"

"Dear me, but you look like something the cat dragged in."

"You look green. Like, literally."

"Are you going to be ok?"

Thankfully, the overlapping voices helped ease the severity of the tongue-lashing Twilight Sparkle was trying to give me. She leapt right into a discourse on exactly what the wind essence had done to me and how I was lucky to have avoided the more severe symptoms of that particular flavor of stupidity. Considering that I was still coughing like an old steam engine and a few stars still lingered in my vision, I was just happy to be alive. Behind her hard nose and stern glare, I could tell the purple unicorn was relieved too.

"We need to get you to the palace." Twilight began.

"No." I grunted, pulling myself to my feet. "I need to- cough!- talk to that Final Fantasy III boss over there for a second."

"And why might that be?" Applejack wondered.

"This is a war, isn't it?" I tried to hold back another storm of hacking. "Isn't it only fair to tell the opposing side why we're fighting them?"

"You can barely stand." Twilight objected.

"I must agree." Rarity stepped forward. "We understand how much you regret not giving Queen Chrysalis the chance to surrender, really we do. But honestly, you hardly look the part of an ambassador." Lilly and I both glanced down at my shirt, covered in grass stains and mud and at least two different types of body fluids. From the looks the girls were giving me, I could only imagine my face looked worse.

"Besides, you'd be wasting your breath." Shining Armor broke his silent spell. The stallion sidled up beside his sister and glared at the wall of darkness watching our little scene. "He already knows why we're here." Sombra growled from behind the wall like a nine-tailed fox demon.

There was a pause, an eclipse of time when neither the ponies behind me nor the shadow in front of me spoke. The monster that had once been a unicorn turned his gluttonous eyes on the city in the distance and quietly drank in their silhouettes. At last, the giant disembodied head sneered down at us and peeled his lips away from his predator’s smile. In a voice that threatened to collapse the earth from beneath my soles, the king snarled,

“MINE!...”

My response was to don an iron mask as cold and hard as Tony Stark’s faceplate. I took one last look at the smoldering green eyes before whispering,

“So be it.” Then I turned on my heel and marched back to my friends.

“Um, what?” Rainbow Dash twisted her face into a grimace. “That’s it? One word?”

“It wasn’t just a word.” I explained. “It was how he said it. Sombra just told us that, -cough!- he thinks he owns the Empire. The city, as well as the ponies. Body, mind, perhaps even their souls!” My lungs ran a quick cycle of righteous anger. “And I can’t forgive that.”

“So, big surprise, the bad guy wants to fight.” The cyan pegasus shrugged.

“Hey, I figured it was worth a knock!” I defended.

“So I still need to finish my test, then.” Twilight Sparkle thought to herself.

“What-hic! test?” My words were interrupted by an untimely lung spasm.

“The test Princess Celestia sent me to complete!” The unicorn student yapped. “It’s only the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life! What do you mean, ‘what test’!?”

“Sorry, I-hic! maybe you and I aren’t-huk! thinking of the same-kiccup! same test.” Everypony around me stared with wide eyes and varying degrees of amusement as my ability to string words together slowly broke down. I thumped my chest and tried to cough. “Sorry, don’t know what-hic! what’s gotten into me.”

“You all right there, hon?” Applejack fought to keep a straight face. “You sure you got all that hoodoo out of your system?”

“I-ikk! I think so. May-hulk!-maybe I just need a glass-hicc! a glass of water. Or maybe I’m secretly one of General Ironwood’s androids.”

"You just take it easy for a while." Twilight ordered. "Not everypony who tastes essence gets off so easy."

"Yeah..." I let a moment of sobriety pass. "But you have to admit, it was pretty cool!"

"I'll say!" Rainbow Dash punched me playfully. "I mean, back in Ponyville, you couldn’t run faster than a trot and now all of a sudden, you can move like a racehorse? Come on! For a second, I was worried you’d been holding out on us all this time!” The pegasi quickly added, “But just for a second…”

"Nanomachines, son." I continued repeating the name of a certain dragon-riding viking.

"Shoot, potions. Explains how you were bookin' it like a pig with his head caught in a hornet's nest!" Applejack laughed.

“Aw! You looked like you were having so much fun!” Pinkie chimed in. “I mean, besides the frowny eyebrows and the locked jaw and the cold sweat on your forehead, I could tell, you were having the time of your life back there, weren’t you? Hey, Mark, any chance I could try some super-speedy-potion-breezy too?”

“Sorry, Pinkie, but the-hic! in the interests of the time-space continuum, I’m going to have to say ‘no’.” I intentionally avoided Twilight’s frozen stare. “And I used the last of it.” Hopefully for a good cause. My eyes slid around to glance at the silent form of Shining Armor sitting a little ways away. “But hey! What are we what are-hic! we still standing around for!? Welcome to the capital city of Oz! Sorry, I meant,-huk! meant the Crystal Empire. Come on!” As I guided Spike and the girls toward the Empire’s mirrored road, Twilight’s brother finally stepped forward and tried to catch my attention,

“Mark?”

“Later, captain.” My shoulder was as cold as snake blood. Without pressing the matter, Shining Armor fell into step behind the rest of the group.

“Sparkleriffic!” Pinkie Pie squealed as our party found itself beneath the welcoming gate of the Empire itself. Two rosy red pillars of glass grew on either side of the polished road, framing the city beyond like a painting. Above us, a series of glistening gems hung suspended upon nothing, the smallest of them larger than a refrigerator. Once more, I was struck by how the Crystal Empire’s aesthetic was caught between hard physics, and gravity-spiting fantasy.

With each step we took, the majesty and mystery of the ancient kingdom commanded more and more of our attention until the girls could do nothing but gawk and coo at the buildings around them. Even Twilight Sparkle eventually had to stop lecturing me on the dangers of ingesting raw elements in order to give her full appreciation to the kingdom of science and magic.

“It’s gorgeous! Absolutely gorgeous!” Rarity frothed, her eyes stretched open as wide as they would go. “There are no words!”

“Focus, Rarity.” Applejack tried to bring her starstruck friend back down to earth. “We’re here to help Twilight, not admire the scenery.”

“Why not both?” I chuckled, taking a long look at a non-electric lantern. “I still can’t get over the sight of it. As far as I can tell,-hic! the Crystal Ponies developed an entire culture based around solid-state magic circuits. It’s fascinating! Without iron, wood, or-hicc! or granite, they’ve grown an entire, functional city for themselves and are completely self-sufficient. On the surface, sure, it sounds like a setting for the next World’s Fair, but the more I see of it, the more it looks like a big ‘ol magic farm and I worry about the ponies forced to live here.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Rarity guffawed. “Who in their right mind would think that such an intricate piece of art like this could be so sinister?” I pointed at Lilly who pointed at me.

“Eh, I don’t see what the big deal is.” Rainbow Dash shrugged as we wandered beneath the shadow of the palace proper. “Just looks like another old castle to me.”

“Ah! Puh-! Gyuh!” The fabulous unicorn’s tongue short-circuited in shock. “Another old-! Have you lost your mind!? Look at the magni-” The sound of everypony else sharing a laugh told Rarity that she had been the victim of a rather well-placed tease. She blushed and admitted defeat, “Very funny.”

“So, Mark?” Rainbow Dash hovered backwards as the rest of us ascended the stairs into the palace. “What’s the plan? What other tricks do you got up your sleeves? Now that Team Hero’s here, when are we gonna show that snarling jerk outside who’s boss?”

“Tricks?” I asked innocently, glancing down at my useless magic staff.

“You know, because you can tell the future, remember?” The pegasus waved her hooves in exasperation. Before I could answer, however, the conversation was bisected by a frantic voice rolling over us like a speeding train,

“No spoilers!” Twilight shrieked. Spike, who was riding on the unicorn’s back, had to regain his balance.

“I-”

“No!”

“Was-”

“Spoilers!”

“Just-”

“Mark!” The look Twilight threw at me couldn’t have been harder even if her face was made of diamond. “Princess Celestia personally gave me a very special test. She asked me to help find a way to save the Crystal Empire and so if you do or say anything to help me, then that means I didn’t solve it on my own! And if I didn’t solve it on my own, then that’s cheating! I won’t be graded accurately! Do you know what happens to cheaters?”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie Pie hopped forward. “They get to sit on a special chair in a special corner and wear a special white party hat until recess, right? Ah, good memories.”

“Do schools even use the ‘dunce’ hat anymore?” I pondered.

“Regardless,” Twilight continued, “this has to be my test and my test alone, got it?”

“Say no more, say no more.” I adjusted Lilly on my shoulder. “You’ve got the right idea.” Then, as the magic student turned away, I whispered to Rainbow Dash, “She’s totally got the wrong idea.”

We found Cadance waiting for us in the throne room, a ragged husk of her usual self. Between her lack of sleep and her fretting over the fate of her husband, the princess looked more thrashed than a flag in a tornado and more frayed than an iPhone charging cord. Even still, her smile somehow managed to brighten up the entire room when she saw us walk through her door.

Twilight and Cadance immediately ran towards each other and exchanged their endearing nursery rhyme. It was almost enough to make one forget the predicament we were all in, until Cadance suddenly winced and the skies outside the windows flickered dark and cold. Donning a brave smile, the princess laughed,

“One of these days, we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn’t hanging in the balance.” Apparently, she was the only one in the room who thought it was funny. Looking past the rest of us, the alicorn’s violet eyes alighted on Shining Armor standing quietly by. I watched as relief and joy rose up in her cheeks, only to be poisoned by the sight of his horn and the bruises he carried. Her dry eyes strained fruitlessly to produce more tears. A little sheepishly, Shining finally stepped forward and nuzzled his wife.

“We made it back safe.” He offered. “That’s what matters. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Sorry?” Cadance grinned, but her eyes remained shut tight. “When we get through this, you’ll owe me a whole lot more than a ‘sorry’.” She forced herself to scan him hoof-to-horn once more and her emotions redoubled in their efforts to make her cry. “Oh, Shining, what happened to you out there?”

“I get the feeling I’m not the first unicorn King Sombra has ever fought.” The stallion chortled mirthlessly. “He knew just how to stop my magic.”

“And this?” The princess looked critically at a large bruise swelling just beneath Shining Armor’s left eye.

“I can’t remember much.” He admitted.

“A real mystery…” I folded my hands, surreptitiously covering a matching welt on the back of my knuckles.

“And you, Mark.” Cadance beamed through the bags weighing down he eyes. “Thank you. So much.”

“I’m just glad I could help.” An order of polite with a side of snide. If Shining Armor hadn’t told the guard where he was going, that “could help” would have become a disastrous “couldn’t help”. Apparently, even a stubborn dolt gets lucky every once in a while.

“It appears I owe you an apology as well.” The captain of the guard turned towards me and inclined his head in a gesture of humility. “What you did out there was nothing short of noble, Mark, and you have my deepest thanks.”

Suffice to say, I wasn’t expecting such a turnaround from Shining Armor. At least not in that moment, anyways. I’d started to resign myself to the possibility that he and I would always rub each other the wrong way and that there was nothing I could do to change that. At most, I’d hoped to get a grudging “good job” or some other half-hearted accolade at the end of a grand finale or perhaps after I’d saved the world a couple more times. Having him just up and admit that running off on his own was foolish had me momentarily wondering if hell was starting to feel chilly.

“Well, remember, you mean a lot to Cadance and Twilight and I’d hate for them to-” But it was too good to last.

“-Is what I would like to say.” The stallion’s voice had regained its frosty edge. “But I can’t help but shake the feeling that this was just another scene in your play.”

“… What?” I blinked.

“That device.” Shining’s rock-hard brow dipped towards the ward rod in my hand. “Why did you bring it with you?”

“Is this a trick question?” Confused, I looked at the ponies around me. “I brought it to roast marshmallows on. Obviously, it was to save you from Sombra, wasn’t it?”

“Let me rephrase.” The captain pulled himself to his full stature. “If you knew King Sombra was going to attack us out there, why did I need saving at all? Why couldn’t you just warn me ahead of time and avoid it entirely?” All eyes flicked between Shining and I as if we were a pair of ping-pong players. “Was it so that you could play the hero again?”

Up until that point, I thought the concept of making one’s “blood boil” was just a figure of speech. Apparently, risking your life to (literally) snatch someone from the jaws of death wasn’t enough to convince them that your motives really were benign. Before this adventure, I thought my self-control was as strong as iron, but it turns out frustration makes for one heckova rust.

“No, let me rephrase!” My lips were twitching. “I brought that bunch of bad guy-B-gone so that, on the off chance some idiot got themselves in trouble after all my efforts to direct them otherwise, I could do something about it!”

All the mares in the room flinched, but none more so than Lilly. Cadance, on her part, gave a soft groan and suddenly looked twenty years older.

“Stop posturing!” Shining Armor leaned forward threateningly. “You set me up so that you would look better!”

“You set yourself up!” I bellowed. “What in Tartarus did you think you were doing gallivanting out on your own? Who’s the one playing hero here?”

“At least I was doing something helpful instead of cowering behind Cadance’s magic!”

“No, you were doing something stupid!” I shouted, as if my voice needed the extra force to push through the stallion’s thick skull.

“QUIET!” The call eventually rang out, the scolding that I knew was coming. Shining and I had once again descended into our unresolved squabble and once again it was up to a mediator to referee us. However, the voice that interrupted us wasn’t Cadance’s. Instead, I turned a surprised look to where Twilight Sparkle was bristling behind me.

“Twi-”

“No!” The purple unicorn held her ground. “You might have saved him back there, Mark, but there’s no reason why you can call my brother stupid!”

“Look,” I grimaced, “I know you just got here, and you don’t really know what’s going on, but Shining and I-”

“Actually, hon, it isn’t too hard to figure out.” Applejack scratched her mane absently. “You’re both up-an’-at-‘em kind of guys who wanted the other to stay out of your way. Both noble, but you two were bound to butt heads sooner or later.” A murmur of assent circled the room.

“And if he’s 'stupid', then what does that make you?” Twilight Sparkle demanded. “Shining Armor met us at the train station, alone, the only pony there when we arrived, and he fought Sombra alone too. But you’re no better! You jumped headlong into that magic storm with nothing but a cluster of dusty artifacts to protect you! How crazy are you, anyways? Do I have to remind you who just saved you from eating distilled wind essence?"

“Considering that I coughed up a lung a couple blocks back, I'd say no, we're good.” I mimed the action of flicking water out of my ear. “But for the record, even if I didn’t tell Shining about an ambush, I made it very clear that he wasn’t to go outside the city without me. You still don’t think he was trying to put on some heroics?”

“No more than what you would have done.” Twilight tossed her head as if finishing her sentence with a visible period mark.

“Maybe I was…” Shining admitted. Warily, I glanced over at the white stallion. About half of the strength had left his voice and his eyes were now leering at the floor instead of me. “Maybe I was trying too hard… Trying too hard to be the hero.” With what looked like a great effort, he lifted his head. “Trying to prove to myself that I’m not as helpless as Mark says I am.”

“Pardon me?” I looked at Twilight and Applejack for help, but they had no input. Desperately, I tried to clarify, “When did I ever say you’re helpless? You’re Shining freaking Armor for crying out loud. The white knight incarnate! The Captain of the Guard. Correction, the ROYAL Guard! The one who, I don’t know, staved off a changeling invasion for, what, a week?”

What I was saying may have sounded like a compliment in any other setting, but in that moment, my own words only fueled the burning in my bones. Everything he was, everything he had achieved, was everything I wanted to be. I thought I admired him, but seeing Shining Armor up close only served as a scalding reminder that,

“If anything, you’re the guy with actual power and I’m the helpless one!”

“Helpless?” Shining guffawed. “You hold the future of the world in your… hands! You can change destiny on a whim!”

“Ha! Now there’s a laugh! I’m about as qualified to guide ‘destiny’ as Phaethon is qualified to drive the sun! You don’t think I’ve tried taking the reins before only to be bucked off and reminded just how insignificant I am compared to the whole bleeding universe!?”

“I’d still trade my power for yours if it meant protecting my family!” Shining asserted.

“You can have it! I’d gladly trade mine for a taste of real magic!” I huffed.

Long seconds passed as the stallion and I both stared down the same crackling line of atmosphere. I can’t speak for Shining, but I know that I only held the visage because I didn’t know how else to react. My frustration and exasperation toward him had finally boiled away, and I was surprised to find that what remained was borderline admiration. He actually envied me and, if I were honest, I might even go so far as to admit that I envied him too. Were I even more honest, one might say that I saw an annoying amount of myself in the stubborn unicorn. It would explain how he was able to get under my skin so easily.

“Did we just…?” I faltered.

“I don’t know…” He muttered helplessly.

“But it might be…”

“Looks that way…”

“What? What did you do?” Lilly looked from my face to Shining’s and back.

“If we just apologized, then that’s the weirdest amends I’ve ever made.” Finally, I broke eye contact.

“Same.”

“Unless…” I jabbed a finger past Shining Armor towards Cadance’s swaying figure, “Did you do this!?”

“Do what?” The princess blinked for a few seconds before realizing what I was asking. “Oh, no, you two are safe from me. My special talent doesn’t work like that.”

Behind me, the girls were whispering to each other.

“Boys.” Rarity tittered. “Such intricate creatures.”

“I hear ya, hon.” Applejack snickered back.

“No more yelling?” Lilly asked hopefully.

“Yeah.” I shifted on my feet. “I think we’re done yelling.”

“Agreed.” Shining Armor said quietly. “We still need everyone’s help to save the Crystal Empire.”

“That’s why we’re here.” Twilight Sparkle perked up.

“Why we’re all here.” Applejack joined in. Behind her, the rest of the girls nodded.

“Then let’s get this show on the road.” I grinned encouragingly. A soft voice spoke up from behind Pinkie Pie.

“But, what are we supposed to do?” Fluttershy asked timidly. “Nopony said anything about fighting angry unicorn kings.”

“So, Mark,” Rainbow Dash sang innocently, “are you sure you can’t give us just tiny little hint?”

“Spoilers!” I beat Twilight to the draw. With a wink at the purple unicorn, I explained, “But to be honest, there’s not much more I could tell you. I’ve already used up everything in my bag of tricks. You won’t see any more interference from me because you all made it to this moment.”

“What moment?” The rainbow pegasus tilted her head.

“This moment.” I gestured at the room. “When you all made it safely to the Empire. From here on out, it’s all you girls. Of course I’m going to still help, but only as your friend. Not as some kibitzer. Remember, guys, I’m not the writer, editor, or even a proof-reader. I’m just a fan.”

“What about the gems you set up around the city?” Lilly Limn thought out loud. Immediately, I put a nervous finger over her lips and chuckled,

“That’s only for polish, dear. No major plot holes there.”

“So we’re just supposed to make things up as we go?” Rainbow Dash complained.

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” I threw a glance over to where Shining Armor stood uncertainly. “Twilight’s brother may have an idea or two...”

“Me?”

“The floor is yours, captain.” Anxiously, the room fell quiet as the stallion pondered the predicament we were all in. After studying the floor like a grandmaster examining a chess board, he began,

“Well, with Cadance putting all her strength into keeping her spell going, and me trying to keep an eye on signs of trouble in the arctic, we haven't been able to gather much information from the Crystal Ponies.” Shining Armor thought aloud. “But we have to believe one of them knows how we can protect the Empire without having to use Cadance’s magic.”

“A research paper!” Twilight squealed, drawing a lot of confused looks from the ponies around her.

“Huh?” Even for Shining, the magic student’ train of thought seemed to come out of left field.

“That must be part of my test!” Twilight explained hastily. “To gather information from the Crystal Ponies and deliver it to you! This is gonna be great! I love research papers!”

“Yeah, who doesn’t?” Rainbow Dash elbowed Pinkie playfully.

“Oh-oh-oh! Lemme guess!” And once more, the sarcasm was lost on the pink pony. “Is it Spike? No no, Fluttershy! Rarity?”

“Plot twist!” I giggled, “It’s you, Pinkie!”

“Whaaaaa?” The energetic mare gasped so hard she almost swallowed her tongue. Twilight, however, wasn’t paying attention.

“Don’t worry, big brother.” She assured. “I am really good at this sort of thing.”

“If you say so…” Without any obvious objections, all Shining Armor could do was watch as Twilight rallied her friends and led them galloping out into the city.

“Take care.” I tossed back to the princess and her husband. Before I could join the girls, however, the captain detained me.

“And Mark?” Shining glanced at Cadance and looked at me with quiet gratitude. “When this is all over, I owe you a proper apology.”

“And I you.” I muttered so that the other ponies couldn’t hear. “If you really are as crazy as me, perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to hold you back the way I did.”

For a second, I met Cadance’s eyes, an unfaltering ray of sunlight in a sky full of clouds. I admired her strength, but in that moment I also knew how much of it was a reflection of Shining Armor’s own courage. As an apology for my own behavior and as a token of peace, I felt a sudden urge to grant the knight’s wish before leaving him behind.

“So, Shining,” At least he didn’t order me to call him “captain” anymore, “you say you want to know the future?”

“It was foolish of me, I know, but-”

“Stay close to Cadance.” I whispered, a glimmer in my eye. “The future of the Empire depends on it.”

“How?”

“Well,” A mischievous grin curled across my face, “if all goes well, a certain baby dragon’s going to fall off the top of this tower before the day is done.”

“If all goes well!?” The pony blinked incredulously. Undeterred, I continued,

“Also, let’s just assume every other winged pony is going to be down in the city at that time. Just make sure your wife is awake when it counts.” And with that, I swept out of the room, leaving the captain staring after me, unsure whether to look grateful or worried.

“What did he say?” I heard Cadance ask behind me.

“Nothing!” Shining Armor started. Then, apologetically, he added, “You should just relax for now. Don’t worry about a thing. Would you like me to find you some tea?”

Once back out in the city, Twilight gave a few hasty directions to us and our group split up to find the enigmatic Crystal Ponies. The streets were almost completely abandoned and the few souls who meandered out and about did so with averted gazes, actively avoiding conversation like a redhead avoiding sunlight. My own efforts to waylay a few of the ponies were met with blank stares, hollow faces, and mumbled speech devoid of passion or vitality. Their personalities had been wiped away, leaving nothing but working drones the likes of which I hadn’t seen since the cybermen came to town. Unless, that is, one managed to slip a few “keywords” into conversation. (I. E. King, Sombra, black crystals, chains, and/or slaves.) In which case, the results were instant, dramatic, pitiful, and afterwards made me feel like a terrible person.

“Are they zombies?” Lilly Limn asked tentatively, watching a cobalt stallion shuffle down an alleyway.

“Close, but they’re not dead inside,” I explained, “just asleep.”

“Should we sing Evanescence songs?” She queried.

“You know, we may have to. A little Evanescence, a little Skillet, a little Letter Black, and we can have a right goth little party.”

The other girls’ efforts weren’t any more fruitful. Rainbow Dash’s pushy personality caused most ponies to clam up or shut down completely, Fluttershy couldn’t bring herself to break through the initial conversation barrier, and Pinkie Pie was off doing something that involved a mask, some rope and a pair of night-vision goggles. Rarity, apparently, didn’t realize that “Crystal Ponies” isn’t just a reference to their nationality, and spent all of her time gawking and swooning over the mysterious glassy sheen upon all the city’s citizens.

All too soon, (and not soon enough by my count) the girls returned to the preordained rendezvous point to discuss their findings.

“I got nothing so far.” Rainbow Dash sighed in defeat.

“Hm? Oh, me neither.” Rarity was staring at her mane with a dreamy look.

“Fluttershy?” Lilly asked as the yellow pegasus approached us. The mare’s posture was uncharacteristically stiff and her eyes darted about warily. Suddenly, she brought a hoof to her forehead and doffed her disguise, revealing Pinkie Pie standing among us instead.

“Gah!” Lilly and I nearly jumped out of our own skins after seeing that.

“My cover has been blown.” Pinkie hissed. “I repeat, my cover has been blown!” Without further explanation, the pink mare dashed for the nearest shadow and vanished.

“Oookay?” Twilight stared after the retreating pony uncertainly.

“What is this even made out of?” I poked the discarded Fluttershy suit cautiously. A second later, the real Fluttershy wandered up and glanced warily at the costume on the ground. The only answer I had for her was a confounded shrug.

“Sorry, Twilight.” Applejack, at least, offered some helpful analysis. “These Crystal Ponies seem to have some kind of collective amnesia or somethin’. Only thing I was able to get out of ‘em was something about a library.”

“A library?” Sparkle’s eyes sparkled. “Well, why didn’t you say so!?”

“Uh,” The orange mare grimaced, “thought I just did.”

“Take Amethyst down a block, turn left just before Garnet and then you’ll find the library on the corner of Pearl and Steven.” My fingers quickly pecked the directions into the air like an invisible puppet show. The ponies looked up in surprise.

“Mark, I thought you weren’t going to give anything away!” Twilight scowled.

“Not giving away!” I explained hastily. “Earlier, I realized Sombra had removed all the old street names. Some sort of cultural purge, if I had to guess. I didn’t want anypony to get lost, so I made my own. Even named them after gemstones to fit the city’s theme.”

“Oh, so that’s what little Lilly was referring to earlier.” Rarity pouted, apparently disappointed that my secret project had nothing to do with real rocks.

“But hang on.” Spike fiddled with his claws. “What kind of gem is a ‘Steven’?”

“I don’t know. A special kind?” I offered. “Never did get into that show.” Before the nitters could pick, however, there was a tremor in the ground and the blue sky momentarily flickered grey.

“We’re wasting time.” Twilight thought aloud. “We should hurry.” She dashed off down “Amethyst” and the rest of us quickly followed.

The library, like the rest of the city, had walls of raw crystal, but stood apart from its mundane neighbors via its vaulted windows and imposing double doors, flanked on either side by a pair of petrified opal griffons. Without hesitation, Twilight Sparkle threw open the entrance and flooded the shadowy building with sunlight. At once, rows upon rows of glass shelves, stuffed with countless tomes shimmered like waterfalls of light. To those of us who couldn’t fully appreciate the cache of ancient knowledge we’d opened, the sight was as dazzling as watching a rainbow on a sunny day, but to Princess Celestia’s prized student, the spectacle was nigh overwhelming.

“I just… I don’t even know what to…” Twilight began to hyperventilate. “There are no words.”

“Ahem.” A smoky blue mare with large spectacles emerged from one of the less radiant corners of the room. “May I help you?”

“Yes.” The purple unicorn beamed. “We’re looking for a book.”

“We have plenty of those.” The ancient mare gestured listlessly at the endless halls running off into the distance.

“You do.” Twilight whispered. “You really do.”

“We’re lookin’ for a history book.” Applejack stepped up. “Something that might tell us how the Empire might’ve protected itself from danger back in the day.”

“Yes. Of course.” The old mare stated, rubbing her chin. “History, history… Ah, yes.”

The girls leaned forward expectantly, daring for a breakthrough in their investigation. The old mare looked at them, they looked back at her, and she stared back. Shifting on her hooves, Twilight finally pressed,

“… Which is where, exactly?”

“I… I can’t seem to remember.” The old pony looked around in visible confusion. “I’m not sure I actually work here.”

“Ugh!” Rainbow Dash drew a long hoof over her muzzle in exasperation.

“We’ll just take a look around.” Twilight Sparkle excused herself. “I’m sure we can find it on our own.”

“Let me know if you find anything.” With that, the old mare returned to shuffling aimlessly through the endless aisles of books.

“Sure. If we ever need somepony to vacantly stare at us, you’ll be the first to know.” I huffed, turning to follow the girls. Pinkie Pie hesitated a second longer to stare after the meandering crystal pony.

“I like her!” She squealed, joining us as we plunged into the labyrinth of knowledge.

Our party tore into the shelves like termites at a lumber yard, hunting for any record of the city’s legendary defense device. Between Rainbow Dash and Applejack, entire rows could be reduced to debris in a moment, with books strewn across the floor like fallen leaves. Even I, despite my natural reverence for literature, eventually succumbed to the fact that we were in a race against time and began walking down the aisles with one arm dragging books onto the floor like a reverse snow blower.

“Nope… Nope… Nope…” My other hand caught the titles as they fell before letting them continue the rest of the way to the floor.

“Nope… Nope… Nope…” Lilly helped too. (By checking the books I’d already discarded.)

After a fruitless half-hour where we were caught between sheer boredom and utter panic, only Fluttershy and Pinkie continued to treat the books with any kind of respect and not like hay to be sifted through in our quest for the elusive needle. For a panged moment, I even feared that the history we were looking for might have been removed from the library altogether. Already, every title falling through my hands showed signs of heavy editing, blots of ink and ripped pages, the scars left from where the knowledge of the old world did not mesh with the culture that Sombra had cultivated. Even with its chapter about the Crystal Heart cut out, who was to say that a book about traditions and customs would have a place in Sombra’s city at all? (I really hated George Orwell’s “1984”.)

“Uh, anyone else stating to think this is a lost cause?” Applejack looked up from a pile of titles she had been nuzzling through.

“No, no, no, no…” Twilight was her own machine, harvesting, scanning, and depositing books into a monstrous pile as her magic indiscriminately gathered the entire building’s worth of text in her aura. At long last, her piercing eyes caught a keyword, “No, no… Yes!”

All fatigue forgotten, every eye rounded upon Twilight and the Mt. Everest of books behind her. She was clutching a hardbound tome with worn edges and golden letters on its cover.

“History of the Crystal Empire.” She read the formal Equestrian characters. “I just hope it has the answers we need.”

Fortunately, it did. As we gathered around, Twilight Sparkle began rapidly flipping through the pages, her wide eyes drinking in all the facts she could find with the practiced air of a professional student. In a way, it was strangely satisfying to learn that my theories about the nature of the Crystal Empire were more or less accurate. The city itself was designed to channel the magic of the ponies that lived in it and use that power to generate the local climate, shield the city from harsh weather, and turn greedy kings into the smoke monster from Lost. (Ok, it still didn’t expressly say that last one.) Getting numerous auras to work together, however, required a sense of unity between the citizens. To do this, the builders harnessed the ponies’ spirit of hope, patriotism, and benevolence with,

“A ‘Crystal Faire’.” Twilight explained.

And there it was. Saving the Empire meant that we first and foremost had to save the Crystal Ponies. When viewed in that light, it actually made a lot of sense. Many a war was won or prevented altogether through virtues as simple as goodwill. As for me, it helped to keep things in that perspective instead of focusing on the fact that we were going to break a siege, commit regicide, and save the world by hosting a carnival.

Yet, that’s exactly what we ended up doing.

It was already a mature afternoon by the time Twilight Sparkle got the go-ahead from Cadance to host the Crystal Faire. No pun intended, but Lilly and I were horses in the gate, raring to go and ready to direct the girls to everything they’d need to throw together the best faire in a thousand years. (Technically, the only faire in a thousand years.) If there’s one thing my friends are good at, though, it’s putting together parties, and between all our efforts, we had a working line of booths and events set up within the hour.

Using Sombra’s stockpile of textiles, Rarity produced a plethora of colorful booths. Applejack wasted no time firing up the king’s kitchens and I hauled out the sparing suits I’d found for Rainbow Dash’s jousting tournament. The work kept my mind focused, and the catchy tune we were all singing did wonders for the nerves, but when Fluttershy ran in from the sheep fields with reports that Cadance had shrunk the size of her force field, I couldn’t help but feel anxious about our dwindling hours of daylight.

“It looks amazing!” Twilight exclaimed, trotting through the rows of tents on either side of the street. “I don’t know how I could’ve done this without you!”

As one, our group blushed modestly. In all honesty, though, the pony who had done the most running around was Twilight Sparkle herself. Armed with nothing but a heavily-censored history book, she had overseen the entire production, running up and down the street to make sure everything we did was as “authentic” as possible.

“One last check to make sure everything is in place, and then the festivities can begin!” She declared.

“What’s this thing for?” Applejack poked curiously at what looked like a prehistoric table lamp. Twilight Sparkle was many things, but an artist was not one of them. The faux Crystal Heart, though mostly the right size and shape, was asymmetrical, flawed, and rough.

“The last page of the book mentioned a Crystal Heart as the Faire’s centerpiece, so I used my magic to cut one out of a crystal block.”

“Looks like my boogers.” Lilly observed. I gave the changeling a quick, “shush”, but to be fair, I was thinking along the same lines. Still, because I valued my friendships (and my head) I didn’t say anything to Twilight or the rest of the girls regarding the real artifact.

To kick off the Faire, Shining Armor, Princess Cadance and Twilight Sparkle mounted the lowest and largest of the palace’s balconies and presented themselves to the city while Pinkie Pie heralded their announcement with a sounding of the traditional flugelhorn. At least, I hoped it was Pinkie on the horn, though it admittedly sounded more like a narwhal getting frisky with a hippo. Borrowing a page out of Dumbledore’s book, Twilight Sparkle magically magnified her voice and declared,

“Hear ye, hear ye! Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor do cordially invite you to attend the Crystal Faire!” Fortunately, for all their advanced technology, the Crystal Ponies hadn’t invented double-paned glass, meaning that Twilight’s call and Pinkie’s… horn… caught the attention of a sizable number of the reclusive ponies. Cautious faces peeked out of their windows or poked out from the shelter of their doors, visibly confused by the commotion and curious about the appearance of this so-called ‘Princess Cadance’. For whatever reason, the summons seemed to work, and a few figures began traipsing toward the colorful tents in front of the palace.

“Welcome!” I said in my best greeter’s voice as the first couple ponies entered the line of stalls.

“Hoi!” Lilly chimed in. From behind the pie stand where she and I were volunteering, the changeling and I watched as Applejack gently greeted the first Crystal ponies to the faire.

“Oh, I do hope this helps them.” Rarity whispered beside me. Her sapphire eyes were filled with pity for the grey ponies now carefully approaching the vibrant faire tents.

“They might look broken, but I’m sure all the pieces are still there.” I assured the white unicorn. “We just need to trigger a memory and they should fill in the gaps on their own.”

“I suppose, but how do you propose we do that?” Despite her doubt, Rarity put on a bright smile for a passerby.

“Iduno, I’m making this up as I go.”

“It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” Lilly announced the approach of an agate-purple mare with a golden laurel for a cutiemark.

“She means ‘hello’.” I coughed. “Would you like to try some of the crystal berry pie?”

“Crystal berry pie?” The pony rolled the words around in her mouth like a jellybean whose flavor she had not yet been able to identify. “It sure smells familiar, but I just can’t remember…”

“The taste?” In a flash of crystal cutlery, I produced a hearty slice of the pastry upon a napkin. “Go ahead and tell me what you think.”

The purple pony looked doubtfully at the juices bleeding out of the pie and then up at me. Obviously, being served unfamiliar food by a bipedal stranger wasn’t very comforting for the young mare, but the tantalizing scent of baked goods was too mesmerizing to pass up. Slowly, she took a bite and chewed thoughtfully.

“Hmm… This is…” The crystal pony wiped a crumb away from the corner of her mouth. “The crust is excellent, but…”

“I’ll be sure to tell Applejack.” I grinned. “But what?”

“But…” Our guest searched the air above her head as distant memories buzzed around, fighting to be heard. “But it’s much too sweet. Did you use red berries for the filling?”

“We didn’t know what to use, so we mixed red and white.” I admitted. “I mean, they grow on the same bush, right?” Rarity and Lilly glanced up at me, visibly deflated at the fact that our first customer wasn’t happy with our product.

“Oh no, only the white berries are used for pies. They’re the tart ones and they taste so much better when you bake them into jelly. Oh!” The pony gasped suddenly, almost dropping her snack. “That’s right! I remember now! Flower Terrace’s mom used to bake the best berry pies in the Empire!”

To our astonishment, and Rarity’s glee, the purple pony in front of us flashed with a mysterious light and her coat was transformed. No longer dull and grey, the mare stood as clean and radiant as the heart of a geode. Oblivious to her own metamorphosis, the Crystal Pony sputtered,

“Oh my! I- I need to find Terrace! She needs to see this!” The mare reared and dashed back down the street.

“Fill your cravings at the circus of values!” Lilly called after her.

“Well, one down…” My eyes swept over the rest of the city. “A couple more to go.”

“That was amazing!” Rarity squealed. “Did you just see the way her face lit up? Ah! It worked!” Unable to contain her sudden burst of inspiration, the unicorn shot off towards the arts and crafts booths across the street. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, we simply must keep this up!”

Like kernels of corn in a hot pan, I watched as one pony, then another and another burst into radiance as they wandered through the Faire. Some individuals required very subtle and specific stimuli in order to trigger their memories, like the gentle tug of a balloon on the end of its string, or the way music echoed off the underside of the palace. For others, the light of remembrance readily sparked to life for things as simple as throwing a ring around a target, the smell of a petting zoo, or (for a lot of the stallions) the taste of traditional faire fare.

Actually, atomic fission might be a more apt metaphor. Unlike corn, these ponies were not isolated incidents. Having one trigger its memory meant that it wanted to share the experience with its friends, who in turn triggered more memories and connected with more ponies. Furthermore, some of the more stubborn ponies’ memories were only triggered by the sound of a laughing crowd, and as the number of “rescued” Crystal Ponies doubled and quadrupled, that’s exactly what they heard.

Though the girl’s efforts were valiant, I knew from the get-go that we wouldn’t be able to host the entire Empire on our own. Still, despite the fact that Economy-based games of real-time strategy games often kicked my butt, the importance of recruiting these newly awakened ponies into our staff was not lost on me. Run into a pony who has tips on how to boil corn on the cob? They’re our new corncob chef. Someone’s dad can craft funny faces out of funnel cake? Hand him a vat of batter and let him have at it! Find a pony who can actually play a coherent tune on the flugelhorn? We’ll have to get back to you on that one… But the point remained, having ponies who actually knew what the Faire was like back in the day gave us that extra level of “authenticity” we needed to draw in the rest of the crowds.

Unconventional as it looked, however, that day was still a battlefield, and the merciless sand continued to fall through the hour glass as the sun slipped lower and lower in the sky. I could almost feel Sombra’s malice like a sunburn on the back of my neck as he sat at the gate, stewing just beyond the blue barrier, just waiting for Cadance’s magic to slip. Fortunately, the Faire hadn’t been open for more than a quarter hour before I noticed Rainbow Dash streaking across the sky with one of Rarity’s banners clutched firmly in her muzzle. Somepony had let slip that THE Crystal Heart wasn’t just ANY Crystal Heart and Twilight Sparkle’s final quest had been set in motion.

And none too soon. Within moments of Twilight realizing her mistake, Cadance had her first real black-out. Crystal Ponies across the city glanced up in terror as her shield spell collapsed, the serene sky rotting and falling away to reveal a howling grey tempest beyond. All hooves froze in their tracks as a new bugling washed over the city, the chilling cacophony of the monster king’s advance. As soon as it happened, however, the threat subsided. Slowly, and with visible effort, the blue bubble of the princess’ magic rose up once more, cutting off the irate roars of the shadows. Literally, if the episode was any indication.

“Why hello there! Are you the pie chef today?” An elderly blue stallion with crow’s feet the size of ostrich toes smiled down at Lilly.

“No.” The changeling looked uncertainly from the pony to the sky and back. “I’m the official taste tester.”

“An important job, indeed.” The stallion chuckled.

“Mark says it’s the important-est.” Lilly waited patiently for me to serve our guest, but I was too busy staring at the blue dome above us. If any of the Crystal Ponies were worried about the fact that the sky was literally threatening to fall on them, they didn’t show it. Once again, the ponies’ resilience frightened me.

“Thank you, enjoy your time at the Faire.” My animatronic muscles served the stallion and sent him on his way without a second glance. Were it not for Lilly’s interference, I might have even forgotten to provide the pony with a napkin.

“Hey, huggabutt, can we take a quick break?” It wasn’t a suggestion, seeing as I was already wiping my hands and tugging off my apron.

“You can rest when you’re dead!” Though she sounded like my old swimming coach, Lilly obediently hopped down from her stool and followed after me, a sticky pie tin still clutched in her mouth.

My friend and I ducked down a nearby alleyway and within a few seconds, I found what I was looking for. A steep flight of crystal stairs took us to the top of one of the nearby buildings and from atop its veranda, one could see all the way to the edge of the city and the magic wall beyond.

“Schnitzel.” I spat under my breath. At the extent of my perception, by the towering rose pillars marking the edge to the Crystal Empire, a small black shape had begun to fester right in the middle of the road. Sombra’s own horn, severed by the cycling of the force field, was now within the city limits, a foothold for the unicorn’s vile magic, a crack in the dam through which the ocean began to force itself through. Even as I watched, shadows began to ooze across the road, sprouting crystals like weeds.

“Schnitzel!” Lilly mimicked.

“Ooh, sorry, did I say that out loud?” As if by instinct, I lifted my young friend and held her protectively. For a moment, I considered charging back to the edge of the city. We did, after all, still have Lilly’s ward and if I acted quickly, then even its limited strength might be enough to push back the advancing darkness, but I decided to bide my time instead. Though Sombra’s foothold would allow him to begin corrupting the magic circuits in the roads and buildings, thereby putting more strain on Cadance, it gained him very little tactical advantage in the long run. At the rate his shadows were growing, he would overwhelm the city by midnight. We only needed to hold out until sunset. If one little ward could do anything against the swollen smoke sorcerer, it was wisest to save it for the grand finale.

“Hey, Mark!” A familiar voice soared overhead, preceding a certain blue pegasus.

“Rainbow Dash!” I greeted.

“Miss super-ultra-extreme-awesomazing!” Lilly hailed.

“Now where’d you get that from?” I leaned over the filly.

“Doesn’t matter!” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof. (Was that a blush I saw?) “We’re in deep trouble! Like, for real now!”

“The Great Blackout of ’65 just now wasn’t a clue?”

“I’m serious! Okay, so Twilight’s book had some stuff torn out of it. The Crystal Heart! It’s a real thing! I mean, not like a real real thing like the one she made herself, but an actual real Crystal Heart! And it’s-”

“Dash!” Like a traffic cop, I held up a hand to stop the rush of words. “Deep breaths. Stay calm.”

“I am calm!” The pony screeched.

“So the Crystal Heart is an actual artifact, I get it. That’s good, that’s very good. And now Twilight’s going to go look for it, right?”

“Right! But she doesn’t want anypony else to help her!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Even me!”

“Also good.” I nodded. “I mean, not the part where she doesn’t want any help, but she gave you an important mission too, right?”

“Yeah! The rest of us need to keep the Crystal Faire going! No matter what, we need to keep spreading that love and unity, got it?” The pegasus jabbed me in the stomach so hard I almost fell off the roof.

“Aye, aye, cap’n…” I wheezed.

“I can’t hear you!” Lilly looked up at me expectantly. “Now you say ‘aye, aye, cap’n’ again…”

“Great! Now get back down there and let’s see some unity!” With a gale of wind and noise, Rainbow Dash leapt back into the air. “And don’t let anypony know about Twilight’s un-real Crystal Heart, ok?”

“Stop shouting about it and it just might remain a secret…” I waved a thumbs-up at the pegasus before leading the way back down into the city with Lilly hot on my heels. The changeling barked in her best Johnson voice,

“Hit it, marines! Go! Go! Go! The Cor ain’t paying us by the hour!” Pretty accurate, if the tough-as-nails sergeant was sucking on a helium balloon instead of a cigar.

“It’s almost time. Getting so close now. Just a little longer…” I whispered, the familiar butterflies beginning their cursed dance in my stomach once again. As I burst out onto the main street, I caught a glimpse Spike and Twilight Sparkle running back toward the palace. I wanted to flash one of my self-satisfied smiles, but a flicker of grey in the sky and the sound of distant thunder stopped me. The final showdown was coming to a head.

After that came the hardest game I had ever played. The waiting game. The game where there was no winning, only staving off the inevitable. The game where progress was measured by the territory we lost to Sombra’s infringing blight. The game where time was no longer measured by minutes, but by the frequency of the thunderclaps rolling over the city. I spent days waiting for the last couple hours to crawl by.

“Hue hue hue ha ha ha haaaa…” A whisper on the wind filled the snowglobe of the Crystal Empire, a gleeful tone of mockery and confidence, like a vocal snake crushing the life out of its prey.

“For not being very loquacious, Señor Sombrero sure knows how to use his resonance.” I mused thoughtfully. “Definitely a solid ‘8’. Maybe more…”

“Two words my friend, no refunds!” Lilly waved cheerfully as a final Crystal Pony walked away with our last slice of pie. Looking around, I saw that most of the other stalls were in a similar state. The balloon stand had run out of gas, the popcorn stand was down to its final kernels, all the apples had been fished out of the apple bobbing buckets, and Rarity had just finished weaving a party hat out of three pieces of straw and an actual drinking straw. (She made it work, but still!)

Instead, most of the ponies had migrated further up the street to where the “placeholder” Crystal Heart sat beneath the palace. Applejack stood in the midst of them, trying to placate the mounting buzz of unrest welling up within the crowd, but the darkening sky could only be ignored for so long, and more and more ponies were demanding to see the princess and the artifact that would supposedly save them from their old tyrant king. The earth pony was a savant when it came to showing hospitality and confidence, but in that moment, she looked more like a leg of ham in a kennel of junkyard dogs.

“Good job today, Lilly. I think we’re done here.” I tossed my apron back over a pile of discarded tins (most of which had been licked clean by my friend) and strode out from behind the pie booth. “Let’s go find the others.”

“Where is Carmen Sandiego?” The changeling sang, prancing along behind me.

“Probably in her safe house with Waldo.” I muttered. “You know, I can’t tell if your cultural references are getting more applicable or more random.”

“No! I’m not random. Missy Pinkie is random.”

“Granted.” My eyes threw a glance back towards the palace where the pink pony was sporting a vibrant jester costume and attempting to distract the Crystal Ponies by dancing atop a rubber ball whilst juggling an ensemble of flugelhorns. It didn’t end well.

“Come on.” My stride broke into a trot. “I just remembered something I forgot!”

“Remembered something I forgot…?” Lilly turned that logic over in her mouth a couple times.

“Yeah, I just realized that I didn’t prevent Fluttershy from getting conscripted into Rainbow Dash’s jousting tournament.” I feeling like writhing worms rose in my throat. “Yeesh, I hope RD wasn’t too harsh with her.”

With such thoughts rolling around in my head, it was nothing short of confusion, astonishment, and a brief moment of wondering if I had slipped into an alternate dimension, then, when I found Fluttershy perfectly whole and composed and Rainbow Dash was the one covered in bruises and battered armor. The two pegasi were kneeling (actually, Dash was sprawled) behind the stands surrounding the jousting field, the yellow one holding a bottle of water from which the blue one drank thankfully between her grunts and moans. Lilly and I approached the scene carefully.

“Excuse me, I seem to have taken a wrong turn at the signpost to the Twilight Zone.” I explained. “Can you please show me the quickest route back to Equestria?”

“Oh, har har.” Rainbow Dash quickly pulled herself to her hooves as if to stop the dignity from oozing out of her. “You probably think you’re real funny, don’t you? You think Fluttershy made me look like this?”

“You look like Mufasa after a run-in with the wildebeest stampede.” Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and I all turned wide eyes onto the little speaker. Lilly flinched beneath the sudden attention. “Did I say a bad thing?”

“I didn’t teach her that.” I explained, dumbfounded. Then, upon further reflection, I assented, “She’s right, though.”

“Well, it’s true that Rainbow Dash and I jousted.” Fluttershy explained softly, indicating the battle saddle still strapped across her back. “But after two rounds, other ponies wanted to joust too. I guess they used to be really good at it, huh?”

“Hmph!” The blue pegasus snorted a cloud of steam. “Turns out, three of the ponies in the stands used to be part of a Crystal Empire jousting club. I took ‘em all on by myself! One two three!” Dash tried to buck the air for emphasis, but winced. I noted that she was favoring her left side.

“She did really well.” Fluttershy said encouragingly.

“Did well? Did well!? I did awesome!” Another grunt. “The first guy got a lucky hit in, but I was just surprised is all. Beat him. Beat the next guy. Almost beat the third guy!”

“He was twice your size…” Fluttershy whispered as if not entirely sure she wanted to relive that memory.

“He cheated is what he did!” From within her dented and squeaking armor, Rainbow Dash fought her way into a standing position. Once an image of chivalry and arena glory, the sparring suit she wore now looked more like a tin can that some 30s kids had gotten a hold of. “He tried to jab me under the wing to get more leverage! You saw him, Fluttershy!”

The yellow pony, wisely, said nothing.

“I’m going to find him and challenge him to a rematch!” Rainbow Dash made a motion to march right through me, but Fluttershy stopped her with a subtly strong hoof.

“I think you’ve done more than enough to cheer up the Crystal Ponies, Rainbow Dash.” She said. “They’ll be fine on their own.”

“Not to mention, we’re still at war.” I scratched an earlobe absently.

“Phooey! I can still joust!”

“Can I joust?” Lilly asked. There was a burst of green fire around her and suddenly I found myself standing next to a second Rainbow Dash. It even wore dented armor and might have been a passable imitation if it wasn’t about half the size of the real Rainbow Dash. My stunned moment of silence was actually a cleverly-veiled attempt at not laughing.

“Nicely done, but no.” I shook my head with a twitch.

“But-”

“Whoa there, little missy. Since when did ‘no’ mean ‘let’s have a discussion’?” I put on my stern eyes just in case the message wasn’t clear. “No jousting today.”

“Lookin’ good there, kid.” Rainbow Dash smirked at her Mini-Me.

“More importantly,” I rounded on the cyan pony, “things are getting pretty tense back at the palace and now I find that half of our air force is grounded on account of taking a lance up her wing pit.” A bad pun, and a bit of a stretch, but it got me thinking, “Actually, now I’m wondering if angels need twice as much deodorant since they have their wings to think of…”

“What do you mean ‘tense’?” Fluttershy looked up in alarm.

“Like feast of fear with a dollop of despair and a panic pudding for desert. If Twilight Sparkle can’t retrieve the Crystal Heart in a few minutes, not only are we going to have no way to fight Sombra, but all the hope we’ve been giving the Crystal Ponies is going to disappear faster than the fritters at an Apple family reunion!”

“Then let’s get over there!” Rainbow Dash lurched forward. I rolled my eyes,

“That’s my line!”

After a couple steps, however, it became clear that something was very wrong. Fluttershy gave a small gasp as Rainbow Dash stumbled, marching along the flat road as if she were wading through a marsh of pain. The blue pegasus’ forelegs were stiff and her left wing still clamped tightly to her side as she shuffled down the crystal street. At long last, the full impact of what I was seeing came home to roost and one more fear was laid among my growing collection.

If something went wrong with Cadance, I’d been relying on Rainbow Dash to take care of Spike in her place. Without our champion flyer, though, who else was capable of snatching victory out of the jaws of defeat? My eyes glanced to the gentle yellow pegasus dutifully supporting her athletic friend, but the thought was killed in an instant. True, Fluttershy had the gift of flight, but she didn’t have the speed or agility to beat Sombra. Not to mention, she didn’t even have the constitution to get close to the shadow king. I snapped my fingers, freezing Rainbow Dash on the spot.

“Let me take a look.” My words were icier than a soda commercial.

“Hey! You can’t-ow! That’s right where it hurts!” The pegasus squawked like a big hooved bird as I knelt beside her.

“I haven’t even touched you yet.” I snapped. But I soon changed that. Despite the pony’s renewed yelps, I pried her wing away from her body and surveyed the damage. Whatever jerk she had been sparring with clearly had no concept of pulling punches. Through her hide, I could already see the flesh discoloring into a spectacular bruise. At best, it would heal in a few days, running its course through purple to blue to green. At worst, tendon damage.

“Beaver damn.” I breathed.

“Beaver damn!” Lilly echoed.

“… I’m such a bad influence on her.” A low groan eked out of me. “I really am.”

“Badder than ‘ol King Kong! Meaner than a junkyard dog!” The changeling chimed in. Ignoring her chorus, I pointed back down at Rainbow Dash.

“Whoever you jousted, Rainbow, he wasn't just trying to win. He was trying to turn you into a kebab! But not to fear, I have an app for that!” I announced, dropping the pegasus’s wing like a mechanic shutting the hood of a car. “And by ‘app’, of course, I mean healing potion.” Fortunately, an enchanted version of the standard first-aid kit was sitting up among the supplies we brought into the Crystal Palace. Something about being a Boy Scout a couple lifetimes ago and all that “be prepared” song and dance.

With a reassuring wave at Fluttershy and a worried glance at Rainbow Dash, I shot off towards the Crystal Palace like Sher Khan with a torch tied to his tail. Behind me, the loyal pitter-patter of Lilly Limn’s hooves shadowed me. The crowds beneath the palace had swollen to an unhealthy size, a veritable cauldron of frightened and confused ponies, ready to boil over at any moment. They still clung to their hope, hiding in the relative safety of the castle’s shadow, but to me they looked like ants scampering to escape the rising waters of a flood. One good wave would drown them along with any love and unity they had managed to salvage from their broken memories.

At last, I was able to push my way into one of the Palace’s doors and leapt up the spiraling staircases. (The palace had a lot of stairs. Made you wonder if Sombra had a slinky collection hidden somewhere.) Lilly and I found the first-aid kit without any trouble. The exciting stuff happened when we tried to leave again. We were just racing past an open balcony when I caught a glimpse of some very familiar ponies. Applejack and Rarity were hanging over the railing, smiling nervously down at the city while Pinkie Pie, Shining Armor, and Princess Cadance knelt silently nearby. The princess’s breathing was shallow and her head wobbled in the air like a blade of grass.

“Now, don’t y’all worry your pretty little Crystal heads!” Applejack sounded less than confident. “The real Crystal Heart will be here any second!”

“I don’t know if they believe you…” Rarity hardly sounded any better.

“Don’t know if I believe me…” The earth pony grimaced beneath her Stetson.

“What’s wrong?” I paused just long enough to hail them. “Why aren’t you down there with the rest of the city?”

“It was getting dreadfully crowded, if you haven’t noticed.” Rarity flashed an apologetic look.

“We reached the end of our rope about a mile ago, partner.” Applejack agreed. “These ponies want answers that we just don’t have. It’s all we can do to keep ‘em from bolting like a cow in a rattler’s nest!” A thick peal of thunder rolled across the city. Once more, I heard the distinct notes of a dark smoky laugh carried within it.

“Just keep it up! You’re doing great!” Beneath the wavering blue light of the princess’s shield, however, my voice sounded hollow and flat. A silence had begun to take the world, a muteness found at the edge of the point of no return. My words were nothing compared to the void, but they were all I had. From his position beside the young princess, Shining Armor looked up at me.

“You’re doing great.” He nodded. “Just keep it up.” Despite the fear eclipsing his face as surely as the horizon eclipsing the sinking sun, his eyes still burned with hope. In that moment, our hope was all we had, but through some miracle, or madness, or both, it was enough.

I swallowed hard, turned swiftly, and continued running through the palace. Behind me, Cadance’s magic flickered low and fragile, a candle on a rainy night.

“Alright!” I hollered, wading my way back through the crowd of Crystal Ponies. “Alright, I got the kit!” In front of me, at the edge of the commotion, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had hunkered down in front of one of the empty music stalls. Close enough to hear ponies from the castle balcony, but out of the way of the city’s nervous herd.

“Oh, that’s excellent! Thank you, Mark.” Fluttershy cheered in her meek way.

But I was too late. Even as I knelt down beside the cyan pegasus and began rifling through the rolls of gauze and antihistamines in the first-aid kit, the finale broke over us. The sky flickered blue one last time, as fragile as a robin’s egg, and then went dark for good. The unmasked heavens burned copper-gold, lit by the fires of a distant sunset. I might have described the evening sky as breathtaking, had it not been for the artificial halo of shadow that encompassed the Crystal Empire. The air immediately grew cold and blustery and the restless Crystal Ponies behind me fell strangely silent.

“It’s him! He’s back!” A solitary whimper broke the hush. One pony, her coat clouded grey once more, backed out of the congregation, screaming. “I can’t take it!”

She and a couple other ponies turned to flee, their instincts commanding them to return to the false safety of their homes, but their legs died beneath them as their eyes beheld what remained of their city. For as long as they had put their trust in Cadance, the whole time they were pressed under the castle like chicks beneath their mother hen, Sombra’s shadow magic had been bleeding into their sanctuary, ravishing their buildings, corrupting their streets, and tainting their magic. Half of the city had already been transformed, buried beneath the king’s poisonous thorny crystals in a display of corruption I hadn’t seen since Metroid Prime 3.

“King Sombra…!” The mare faltered, her head and ears sinking into her shoulders as if she wanted to melt into the ground. A voice answered from the darkness, a reply to every question, a boldness that buried any doubt,

“My crystal slaves…” The king had returned. As before, his words dripped with the same malice as when I first spoke with him. He owned the Empire, he owned its power, he owned its people. A tongue of fire coiled around my lungs at his arrogance.

But he hadn’t won yet. Even as he had the princess lying helpless upon the balcony, even as he had an entire city frozen in fear, even as his nebulous body slithered over the buildings, the deposed king still did not have the Crystal Heart. A panicked cry from atop the world told us so. Every eye turned up to the very tip of the Crystal Palace to see a tiny purple dragon frantically clutching the hope of an entire Empire. Spike danced precariously along the roof of the palace, hollering down to us, his little claws tightly wrapped around a piece of heart-shaped crystal the size of a beach ball. In the light of the setting sun, it radiated like an icy nova against the storm clouds.

“That is MINE!” I felt the entire city tremble as Sombra dove headlong into the crystal streets. His magic ran along the veins of glass like oil down a pipe, tainting every mirrored surface he passed and sowing jagged spars of solid crystal magic like briars. Swollen with almost two days’ worth of the city’s magic, the dark king charged for the palace and the helpless rebels within, rising like an avalanche, bellowing like a train.

“Hold your ground!” My futile attempt to shout above the rising panic went unanswered. “Hold your ground, Ponies! You’re stronger than him! Stand together, you don’t have to fear Sombra any more!”

“He’s coming!”

“We’ll be punished!”

“I’m sorry, your highness!”

“Forgive us!”

“Please have mercy!”

The rising tide of noise threatened to explode into a stampede and I had already mapped a safe route back towards Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash when a new call rang out,

“Hey! What does that filly think she’s doing?”

I turned as fast as I could, but ice had already begun to fester in my veins. When my mind finally caught up to my eyes, I saw Lilly Limn, still disguised as Sweetie Belle, running headlong toward the oncoming cloud of darkness. Either my ears were filled with static, or the rest of the Crystal Ponies were just as shocked as I, it didn’t matter. My world had suddenly become a very focused tunnel.

“Lilly? Lilly! Stop! What are you-? Lilly, get back here!” I shrieked. “Lilly! Don’t!” My feet felt like they had bricks tied to them, but I forced them to move anyway, pounding along the streets of crystal, willing my cries to be heard. Without a potion flowing through me, however, it was my turn to be outrun. “Please, stop!”

But she didn’t stop. Deaf to my cries or to the roar of King Sombra, the little changeling charged into the heart of darkness, a lonely George Kirk flying into the depths of the Narada. For a moment, I thought she stumbled, but in the next instant, a pale light enveloped her little body, a protective glow that burned with ancient power.

“The last ward?...” I mouthed the words, too stunned to give them sound. As I watched, the little filly careened toward a blossoming spire of black crystal, spun around on her hoof and kicked it with a defiant scream. I knew from personal experience that Lilly’s buck couldn’t knock the ears off a piñata, but as the light from her protective ward came into contact with the solid shadows, a bright silver crack appeared on their surface.

“What… is she doing?” The random Crystal Pony repeated. Now the crowd was all but silent, mesmerized by the scene playing out in front of them. A tempest of emotions erupted from within me, a discord of joy, rage, relief, and anger, but none of them shone as brightly as the one called “pride”. Whirling around to face the crowd, I jabbed a finger at Lilly and told them exactly what she was doing,

“She’s proving that there’s still one heart in this city that doesn’t belong to King Sombra! One knee that refuses to bow! One spirit that refuses to be broken!” I bellowed, eyes flashing like the sunset. “Open your eyes, ponies! You’ve been imprisoned in your own city for too long! This will be the day that you’ve waited for! This will be the day we open up that door!”

“But-” A particularly bold pony tried to interrupt my soliloquy, but I bowled him over like a monster truck.

“But nothing! This is your choice and my friends have given you everything just so that you can take it!” Again, my throat was tearing under the strain of shouting, but it was a worthy sacrifice for all the souls in front of me. “I don’t know what path you’re going to take, the choice is yours, but as for me and my friends, we dare to dream of a future! A future of peace! A future of freedom! A future without Sombra! Now stand up and fight! Ponies! Of the Crystal Empire!”

A couple of the faces flickered. A few eyes lit up just the way I had seen them do a hundred times that day, the way they glowed right at the moment when they remembered who they used to be and not who Sombra told them to be. But their coats remained dark, their faces still filled with fear. The unicorn king was now a mountain, rising upon his own crystals like a tsunami, his teeth bared as he climbed closer and closer to the Crystal Heart atop the palace.

There was a rush of wind, the sound of splitting air, and the ringing of magic. King Sombra hesitated, Spike and the Crystal Heart having vanished from between his very jaws.

“Huh?” He grunted.

A pink alicorn streaked through the tumultuous sky with the young dragon on her back and the Empire’s treasure held firmly in her magic. In a single arc, she swooped into the vaulted hall beneath the palace, above the astonished heads of the Crystal Ponies.

“What?”

“Is she-?”

“Behold! The Crystal Princess!”

Cadance dropped to the ground with a stomp of her golden horseshoe, wings held aloft and the Crystal Heart levitating above her. Even beneath a mountain of Sombra’s night she stood, the last light of the day.

“The Crystal Heart has returned.” She declared, her even voice cutting through the stunned silence. “Use the light and love within you to ensure that King Sombra does not.”

If Lilly’s selfless actions had set the tinder, Cadance’s words brought the spark. First one, then another and another of the Crystal Ponies blossomed with their mysterious light. In a matter of moments, the hall beneath the palace was glowing like a nest of Christmas decorations. As if by instinct, the ponies touched their muzzles to the crystal floor, and the city caught their fire.

“What?” Sombra growled from atop his false mountain. Beneath him, a white magic was flowing through the streets like water, all rushing towards the very apex of the Empire itself. I could feel the air grow thick with static as the Crystal heart levitated into its place, nested directly beneath the palace, at the annex of every magic circuit in the city. With a musical hum, the artifact began to spin.

“No… No!” Sombra bared his fangs. “Stop!”

“Splendid last words.” I growled, throwing myself over Lilly just as the Crystal Heart went critical.

The rush of magic was entirely different from Shining and Cadance’s spell. The power that gushed through the Crystal Empire poured through the streets, shone from the buildings, and flowed up the palace tower until it bloomed within the stratosphere itself. The burst of energy I felt sweeping over my skin was charged like electricity and tingled like sunlight. The power was purging the darkness from the crystals themselves, and Sombra was right in the line of fire.

The king’s cries were buried beneath the tempest flowing from the Heart. I watched as the black unicorn writhed in agony, his veins blazing white under his hide. The last I saw of him, his mouth and eyes were wide open, showing a core of pure white energy immolating him from the inside out. Then he was no more. The unicorn’s form shattered, his remains nothing more than dust and shards of armor. Expelled from his own kingdom.

***

That evening found me standing once more before the Crystal Throne. My scientific instruments had long since been packed away and the palace was empty save for the princess and her husband, who were enjoying some well-earned sleep. Outside the glassy walls, the rest of the city was celebrating its newfound independence with a second Crystal Faire and all the lights and music that entailed. Myself, I had simply excused myself to collect souvenirs of ancient crystal technology and was at last winding down with a glass of Crystal Nectar in my hand and Volaire’s “Riding A Black Unicorn” on my lips. (The acoustics in the throne room were amazing.)

“This place is just so fascinating!” A voice as sweet as a can of Febreze wafted into the room. I paused and turned to see Twilight Sparkle trot up behind me, her purple coat still glistening like a dusk diamond from her exposure to the Crystal Heart’s light.

“That’s a good look for you.” I giggled. “Just make sure Spike doesn’t try nibbling on your tail.”

“It’s not real crystal.” The student explained hastily. “It just looks like crystal because the visual spectrum is still being altered by the magic from the Crystal Heart. The whole Empire is practically glowing with an ‘order’ algorithm!” Twilight squealed and danced on the tips of her hooves. Though not as prance-y, I too shared her excitement. It wasn’t every day one could witness a long lost form of spell craft and the Crystal Empire had a mathematical beauty to theirs.

“I don’t think I could get used to it.” I coughed, looking back down at my glittering palm. I looked like a sissy vampire that got on the wrong end of a lacquer gun. “The light just clings to you like nuclear radiation. No wonder the Crystal Ponies look different after living here their whole lives.”

“Oh, but there’s so much we could learn from the Empire!” Twilight Sparkle floated in circles around me. “Like, what the world was like a thousand years ago! Like what’s changed since they’ve been gone! And maybe they’ll be less reclusive now. If they accept Princess Cadance, they could share all kinds of amazing things with Equestria!”

“Like how to turn raw magic into semi-physical crystals.” I said dreamily. “Just think of what it would be like to have a stable lattice magic template!” The power to conjure faux crystals had a certain appeal. It wasn’t worth brining up that my steamer trunk was already full of crystal samples and books that I was borrowing from the library for an undefined amount of time.

“According to my brother, you already got a head start on studying this place.” The purple unicorn jabbed her horn at the throne. “He said you were about to shoot the throne with a Coni Actuator!”

“Clumsy, I know.” I brushed my hair back with a sigh. “I saw the palace like a nerve system, so I thought that if I could poke the individual circuits, I could find the ones Sombra was feeding on and cut him off.” A wince. “I was approaching the problem with a doctor’s reflex mallet, but that throne is as intricate as a brain. There was just no picking it apart.”

“So in the end, the only way to actually defeat him…” Twilight looked at the throne in awe.

“Was to poison his source of power.” I nodded. “Only the Crystal Ponies could do that.”

“I’m just glad things worked out.” The unicorn’s ears folded back. “Even without me.”

“Excuse you?” I arched an eyebrow like St. Louis’s Gateway.

“I failed my test.” She whispered. “How am I ever going to tell Celestia?”

“Yeah, um, so, about this test-”

“No spoilers!”

“Would you give it a break?” I snorted. Then, softer, I explained. “The episode is over. I’m just ‘me’ again. Ok? This is just friend-to-friend.” It was a stretch of the truth, but it calmed the student down.

“Ok…”

“All I wanted to say was, not all tests are ink-and-paper, Twi. In the grand scheme of things, you performed amiably. Magnificently, actually. How could anypony look at today without being proud of you?”

Twilight Sparkle still didn’t buy it, but she was grateful all the same. She smiled bravely and nodded her head in thanks.

“Actually, there was something I was hoping a ‘brony’ could tell me.” Her ears perked back up.

“Shoot.”

“Was Cadance’s cutiemark foreshadowing that she would find the Crystal Empire?” The purple eyes widened with wonder. My own gaze mirrored the expression.

“Ooh! That’s a good one! You know, I’m not really sure. Now that you mention it…” A grin twinkled over my cheeks. “Probably.”

“And… another question for a ‘brony’.” The ears went down again. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t.”

“What?” I frowned at her sudden hesitation.

“Is… Is Sombra really gone? Just like that?”

“Interesting. You never asked about any of the other villains returning.” My face remained stoic as memories of Trixie and Discord’s return episodes flashed through my mind. “Sombra got pretty obliterated today. Like really obliterated. Like Sweetie Belle’s cooking obliterated.”

“Sombra didn’t really have much of a body to begin with. And you still haven’t said ‘yes’.” Twilight pointed out. She had me there. I sighed and admitted,

“Well, I suppose it’s not technically a spoiler.” I watched in amusement as the pony leaned forward eagerly. “The last I saw of the show was the finale of Season 4. Up to that point, no, there’s no hide or hair of Sombra and the majority of the fan community rates him as the least likely of any character to make a reappearance just because his end was just so final.” (I mean, now that I think of it, he may very well be the only character who dies in the whole show.)

“However, and that’s a very big ‘however’, the show was rumored to have a fifth season in the works when I left Earth. Ergo, I don’t know what happens after Season 4.” And I was praying to the good Lord above that I wouldn’t have to live through the Equestria Girls movies. “Also, Sombra’s… disassembly… didn’t stop me from spending an hour out in the wasteland just now looking for any trace of him.”

A long second passed between the two of us.

“And…?”

“Nothing.” I admitted. Which was the truth. If any piece of the black pony had fallen onto the white snow, it should have been as easy to see as the spots on a dalmation. Yet, writers had a knack for bringing characters back from utter oblivion, (just ask the creators of Doctor Who) so my working attitude was that no character was ever truly “dead”.

“So that’s where you went.” Twilight grinned.

“Yes.” Among other places.

“I saw Lilly earlier and was wondering where you’d got off to.” The pony continued. “I thought you were taking a nap.”

“Yeah, I pawned her off on Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie for the evening.” I shrugged. Twilight Sparkle looked at me as if spiders were waltzing out of my nose.

“Lilly, Dash, Pinkie. What in Equestria made you think that was a good idea?” She demanded.

“Don’t worry about it.” I waved a hand. “Dash is cool with Lilly and Pinkie can be really responsible when she wants to be.” My chuckle faded into a strained giggle as memories of the changeling rushing towards Sombra haunted my vision. Twilight noticed this and put a hoof on my arm.

“She was really brave today.” The pony encouraged.

“Yeah!” My voice came out strangled. “Monkey see, monkey do is what it was. Honestly, I’m a terrible influence on her.”

“I don’t know. She did what you did and you did what Shining Armor did.” Twilight Sparkle gave a warm grin. “And I couldn’t be more proud of my brother, so…”

“Still…” A shadow passed over my brow. There was one last thing I had to get off my chest, but I was sure that as soon as I voiced it, Twilight would shoot me down like a fowl from Duck Hunter. Still, I had to try and that moment was the best chance I could have asked for. My shoulders tensed as I would up for the pitch and I said,

“Actually, I’m glad you’re here. There’s something I wanted to ask you about. Privately.”

“Of course! What is it?” So far, so good. The pony hadn’t detected the conversation’s change in octave.

“A favor, if you will.”

“Anything.” It was an encouraging word, but the unicorn said it slowly, studying my face cautiously.

“I want to see Sombra’s door.” My request hung in the air like a demetor, wilting the light on Twilight’s face.

“Mark-” She started to object.

“Yes, I know about the door.” I continued hastily. “I know that it shows a pony their worst fears. I also know how unpleasant it must have been for you and Spike.” The mare said nothing, but averted her eyes. I pressed, “Of course, what I’m saying would sound crazy at first, but hear me out. A lot of stories have their heroes face such a door. In Doctor Who, it was a hotel room, in Harry Potter, it comes in the form of a boggart, Batman has the Scarecrow, and heck, even Saint’s Row IV locked prisoners in their worst nightmares! But they always come out stronger for it.”

“Mark…” Twilight began again, clearly shaken. “You don’t have to prove anything. Not to yourself and not to anypony else.”

“It’s not just some glorified workout.” My voice was low and patient, trying not to plead too much. “I’ve got a bipolar magic aura, remember? Sometimes humans can see good things in a bad light and evil things from a sympathetic point of view. Just once, I’d like to strip away all the pretense and see exactly what scares me. Make it so that I can’t hide and I’m forced to admit what truly motivates me.” I flapped my hands against my sides. “Think of it as a journey of personal discovery!”

“In theory…” Twilight mumbled. “But that’s not really how it works. You see things differently after coming out of the door. I never thought Celestia would ever shun me, but now that I’ve gone through the door, I just know that when I see her again, that’s all I’m going to be thinking about. And Spike, oh… poor Spike. He held onto me tighter than ever after coming back from his nightmare.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t just because you were using a gravity spell at that time?” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth.

“You should have seen the look on his face when I told him to take the Crystal Heart and go. I yelled at him to leave, just like in his dream.” The purple pony faltered. “He didn’t need that kind of memory. And neither do you.”

“What about Luke Skywalker?” I challenged. “He walked through a cave of nightmares and he defeated his worst fear! Then he went off to save his friends from Vader himself, remember?”

“As I remember it,” Twilight’s tongue was hard as steel, “Luke Skywalker gave in to his fears and ran right into a trap because of it!”

Things were going downhill. Fast. I needed to salvage my argument, but the purple pony had parried me every step of the way. Suddenly, a trump card revealed itself to me out of thin air like a Dark Chip from Megaman Battle Network 4. Without thinking, without considering how it might affect Twilight, I seized it.

“We almost lost your brother today because he gave into his fear.” My words were low and venomous. “He even told you that he ran out there because he had to prove something to himself.”

Twilight fell silent.

“I don’t want that to happen to me.” I drilled my point home like a rusty screw. “I don’t want you or Cadance to go through that again.”

Unfair? Probably. But it got the message through and Twilight Sparkle finally assented. With a shallow nod, she took a deep breath and leveled her horn at the crystal circuits above the throne. A drop of shadow magic, a stream of boiling darkness sank into the depths of the prism and the light it reflected was heavy and black. Beneath our feet, the yawning spiral staircase from the episode reappeared.

“Thank you, Twilight.” I began to walk forward.

“Don’t thank me yet.” She warned.

Our pilgrimage into Sombra’s basement was silent save for the echoing clip of my feet and the tinkling of Twilight’s horseshoes. Everything at the bottom of the crystal missile silo was just as I had pictured it. Dark, dusty, and with a single door waiting for us like a sleeping spider.

“It probably doesn’t even work anymore.” Twilight said half-hopefully. “Sombra’s been purged from the Empire and-”

“Your magic opened the secret path, didn’t it?” I jabbed a finger up at the mote of light that represented the throne room above us. “Same difference.”

Defeated, Twilight Sparkle summoned her anti-patronus once more and took aim at the solitary door in front of me. Her magic sunk into its surface and a sickly green light eked out from behind the wooden edges. With one final glance at my friend, I stepped forward.

“Just a warning,” Twilight swallowed, “it’s not… pleasant.”

“How bad can it be?” Quite possibly the most foolish line of my life. “I’ll keep in touch.” I took a broad step forward, seized the handle, and yanked the door open. Without another word, I stepped inside.

It was dark. I wasn’t tumbling through a void and I wasn’t surrounded by night, but instead felt as if I were wandering through a warehouse that had been painted entirely black. I could see my hand in front of my face, though there was no apparent light source, and my feet tapped rhythmically upon a hard flat surface. Unless I suffered from an unknown case of agoraphobia, the door was taking its sweet time assembling my nightmare. Possibly a result of my unique aura.

“Testing, testing, one two three!” I called out, noting the slight echo to my voice. “Hey, Twilight, can you hear me? Don’t bother answering that, I can’t hear you anyway, but if I’m not wrong, my body should be standing immobile in front of the door by now. Please don’t draw on my face while I’m gone. I’ll keep you posted if things get too hairy, but for now just stand by. Oh?” a glint of light caught the corner of my eye. “Looks like the show’s starting. Be right back. This should only take a minute.”

A pale white smudge had appeared in the shadow world and I began jogging toward it briskly. All I needed was a glimpse at my worst fear and then I could have Twilight yank me whenever I wanted. Perhaps it was that confidence that made me drop my guard. Perhaps it was the immunity complex that comes from mentally separating a dream from reality. Perhaps this was just a bad idea after all.

As I approached, the pale smudge turned out to be a white circle, a spot of light on the ground. Playing along with the simulation, I stepped squarely into the glowing ring and waited good-naturedly for a piano to fall on my head. Nothing of the sort happened, and I was just about to leave when a mote of color caught my attention. There was a pony just outside the ring of light. A mare, almost completely obscured by shadow.

“Aw, hey, Twilight! Fancy meeting you here!” I tried to approach the mare, if only to get a better view of her face, but my foot took me nowhere. My position remained directly in the middle of the spotlight. Another pony appeared.

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie all approached from different directions. Squinting through the darkness, I could just barely make out their faces, but something was wrong about them. Different. Twisted in a way I had never seen before.

“So, now what? Are you going to eat me or something?” My laughter died in my throat as Applejack stepped forward. The alien expression became clear. She was crying, and at the same time, not. Her leaf-green eyes were welling up with tears, overflowing onto her freckled cheeks, but her mouth was lifted in an encouraging smile.

Somehow, that scared me more than any of those stereotypical “eyeless” creepypasta pictures.

“We’re so proud of you…” The earth pony choked.

“… Huh?” I blinked.

“You did great, champ…” Rainbow Dash hiccupped.

“It’s okay.” Pinkie Pie warbled. “You… You can smile. I want you to keep smiling, ok?” Mentally, I checked to make sure that the pink pony’s mane was fluffy and not laid flat. It was.

“Don’t worry about a thing, darling.” Rarity’s voice cracked.

“Your job is done. You can go home without any regrets.” Twilight whispered. With a shock, I realized that the purple unicorn had a pair of wings tucked along either side of her body.

“What’s… going on?” I demanded, turning to Fluttershy.

“Oh!” The yellow pegasus simply wilted beneath my gaze like a daisy beneath the sun. And then she was gone. The shape of Fluttershy melted back into the darkness like a drop of ink in water.

“Don’t be afraid.” Applejack’s voice filled me with dread. “We want you to be happy.”

“We couldn’t ask for a better friend.” Rainbow Dash sniffed.

“And we were blessed to meet you.” Rarity added.

“We had so much fun together.” Pinkie Pie spoke one last time. “Remember us like that, ok? Pinkie promise?” She vanished.

“What did I do?” I spun around on Rarity. Was that panic in my voice?

“Your best, dear.” The white unicorn was swallowed by the darkness.

“That’s all anyone could ask.” Snot dripped from Rainbow Dash’s muzzle. “And you were awesome.” The shadows claimed her.

As the last of her prisim-colored mane faded into oblivion, I suddenly realized what emotion they were trying to convey. They were being brave. Brave in the face of utter tragedy. They wanted me to remember them smiling, even if that one gesture cost them everything.

“Wait.” I breathed to the final two ponies. “Don’t go.”

“Aw, hon, don’t be like that.” Applejack lowered her hat to cover her eyes, but it wasn’t enough to hide her tears. “We have to go.” And her body dissolved into the dark.

“But why?” In spite of myself, my shoulders began to shiver.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Twilight’s facade finally broke and all I saw was pitless terror and despair. “You couldn’t save us.”

“Wait!” I fought against the laws of the dream, trying to catch Twilight before she vanished, but her purple form fell through my outspread fingers like campfire smoke. “Save you from what?”

But I already had my answer.

I had always had my answer.

A blood-orange light broke through the world. I flinched beneath the sudden onslaught of radiance, hands held in front of my eyes like claws. It was the sun, but not like anything Celestia had tamed. This orb of fire hung low over a rocky landscape, baptizing the world in a cruel smoldering glow. As my eyes adjusted, I could discern a black shape against the disk of light, but I couldn’t quite identify it.

Not that I had to.

Silently, and without any guidance from my brain, my feet carried me towards the sun and the mysterious silhouette therein. I passed over scorched dirt, shattered stones, and the smoldering remains of trees. My path carried me steadily higher, ascending a low hill of ash and debris. On every side of me, the remains of houses and buildings were cast aside like the bones of an elephant graveyard.

I recognized the buildings.

At last, I crested my hill and looked down into a burning crater. A crater that used to be the valley of Ponyville. In silent shock, my eyes took in the scene, the river that had been boiled away, the scorched fields, the writhing sky. Whatever wasn’t burning was still dyed orange by the falling sun. The world was aflame.

Above it all, standing above his prey like a skyscraper, stood the one I knew I’d find. Lord Tirek smiled down upon his conquest with glee stretching his baboon mouth from ear-to-ear. His horns goaded the heavens and his hooves were steel mountains, his silver mane was a wild crown and his broad hands were the jaws of hungry dragons. He was the silhouette I had seen from so far away. He was the blot on the sun.

As I tried to hold down my rising panic, I couldn’t help but glance towards Twilight’s home. Sure enough, the Golden Oak Library was a hollow piece of charcoal, the pages of a thousand books strewn about like confetti. But it was there that I saw them. In the center of town, sprawled in the dust and barely breathing, lay my friends.

“No…”

They were defeated. Their power gone. Their lives spent. All of them wore scratches. A couple bore more serious injuries. I tore my eyes off them to glance up at Lord Tirek. The centaur was watching my expression in apparent glee, his hollow eyes burning like twin coals. Slowly, he began to move forward.

I knew what was coming.

“Please…” I faltered. “Stop…”

Tirek lifted a hoof.

“Don’t-!”

The titanic guillotine fell upon Ponyville, but I didn’t hear it. A shockwave like an explosion washed over the scene, but I didn’t see it. The earth moaned beneath the force of the blow, but I didn’t feel it. They were gone. My friends, my family, blotted out of existence in a moment. And all I could do was watch.

My eyes remained fixed on the unmoving hoof. Even without seeing their pain, without hearing their cries, without watching their death, I knew. I felt their bones shatter within my own limbs. I felt their screams rising up in my own chest. My own blood was pouring out into the dust. They were gone.

“Y-you… b-… bastard…” Something warm and hot began to trickle down my lip.

“You bastard.

“You bastard!

“You BASTARD!

“YOU BASTARD!”

A red mist swallowed my vision and I lost control of my own body. I plunged into the city, screaming, crying, swearing, I’m not sure. All that mattered was the hoof in front of me and the bodies of my friends beneath. A rage had consumed me, enveloped me, intoxicated me. My hands curled into claws and my nostrils flared as I broke myself against the steel hoof of my enemy.

“YOU BASTARD! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! I’M! GOING! TO! KILL!” My fingernails shattered against the rough black wall, my bones screamed as I threatened to twist my own joints out of place, but I felt nothing. If my arms failed, I’d probably have started breaking my teeth as well, if they weren’t busy throwing out a constant stream of curses and oaths.

Suddenly, a band of stone chains erupted out of the ground, catching my claws and holding them back from Tirek’s massive foot. I shrieked, I cussed, I spat and I howled, but the chains refused to let go. Only after taking my eyes off the centaur to focus on the bonds did I hear a distant voice calling my name.

“Mark! Mark! Calm down!” Twilight’s voice slowly became louder and clearer. Either that, or the red mist choking my brain began to melt away. “It’s just a dream! It’s just a dream! Wake up, Mark! Mark!”

I blinked. I was standing in a deep shaft made of crystal. Instead of chains, I found my arms caught in a purple telekinetic aura and instead of Tirek’s hoof, I found myself facing a rough wooden door. Beside me, a purple unicorn was looking up at me with wide frightened eyes.

“Um…” I looked down at myself. A B-movie werewolf that had just been run through a meat grinder would have looked more presentable than I. Almost all my nails were cracked and bloodied and I had splinters of wood the size of toothpicks sticking out of my palms. Meekly, I nodded to my friend. “Thanks.”

“Are you ok now?” She lowered the telekinetic spell warily, too frightened to be angry.

“I- I think so.” Though my ears still blazed red from my pounding heart.

“I told you.” Her voice was as soft as a scarf. “I told you it wasn’t pleasant. When am I wrong?”

I refused to answer on account that it would ruin the mood.

“Do… Do you want to talk about it?” She looked up pleadingly, but I avoided her gaze.

“… No.”

I should have. I should have told her everything. I should have dropped onto her shoulder right then and there, arms around her neck, and held her tightly, reminding myself that she was still alive, still there with me. I should have fought the nightmare, should have opposed the darkness, but I didn’t. I let it in, and in that moment I couldn’t bear to stand the sight of my best friend. As I looked at her, all I saw was how miserably I had failed her. How I had let her die.

“Mark-”

“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle.” I cleared my throat and straightened my back. “That was a very educational experience.”

“But-”

“If you don’t mind,” As brave as I tried to be, I couldn’t keep an imploring note from entering my voice, “I just need to be alone for a few minutes. Think about what I found. Please.” She didn’t like that. She didn’t like that at all. But she also knew just how terrifying the power of Sombra’s door was. She knew how scared I was and perhaps she wanted to believe that I knew how to deal with it on my own. Either way, she softly nodded, her head bobbing long before her voice came.

“… Okay.” She let me go. As I swept past her to begin climbing back up to the throne room, she spoke up in a gentle whisper. “Mark, you’re bleeding.” The mare quietly offered me a handkerchief.

“Thanks.” I swallowed hard.

Without the whiskey of adrenaline numbing my body, I could feel countless small injuries covering me. Most of my fingers refused to move and at least one of them was properly broken. My throat was a thrashed piece of beef jerky and even my jaw was sore from opening it too wide. I wiped streams of mucus from the corners of my mouth and a bright red foam was seeping from my nose.

But in that moment, nothing else mattered. As the red glow washed away from my vision, I felt as if I were seeing the world clearly for the first time. Everything was crisp and focused. I saw the world and my place in it. Powerlessness. I was afraid of losing the lives that mattered the most to me. I was afraid not for my own death, but for the death of those I promised to protect. I was afraid of failing my family. In that moment, as I sucked the splinters out of my hands, as I wiped snot and tears out of my eyes, as I climbed ever higher on those cold stone steps, I had my answer.

I knew why I had come to Equestria.

Author's Note

This might be an interesting point of discussion. If given the chance, who else would willingly go through Sombra's Door? (Or any other fandom equivalent.)

Ch 20: Tell and Show

Chapter 20
Tell and Show

Paint upon canvass, ingredients in a recipe, or notes in a song. By its nature, magic is both beautifully complex and hauntingly simple. To me, it was like telling a story.

If the world can be thought of as words upon a page, then magic is the ink that lets a magician edit it. For those of us without magic of our own, then, alchemy would be the art of boiling down existing sentences and forging new ones out of the pieces. To put it another way, spells are to potions what a handwritten letter is to a ransom note. Magic is chemistry, it is algebra, and it is poetry all rolled into one, and on the morning of that fateful day, I was experiencing the full might of this terrifying power with a smile on my face and a pat on my back.

Literally.

“Well! That’s certainly not something you see every day.” Rarity stood on the stairs, peering down into the rat’s nest that was Twilight Sparkle’s laboratory. My guilty gaze turned towards the unicorn, both arms sunk up to their elbows in a pulsing purple circle. An identical ring of light sat on the wall behind my head, my two wayward hands sprouting out from within and diligently massaging the kinks out of my neck.

“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

“Are those… portals?” The white pony cautiously poked her way across the conduit-strewn floor.

“You like them?” I beamed, sweeping two pieces of paper off a nearby table. “Sympathy glyphs! What happens to one happens to the other. Just slap a teleportation spell on them and boom! All I need now is a condescending A. I. armed with deadly neurotoxin!

“Zecora helped me start this project months ago. Of course, most of that time was spent cooking up a cauldron powerful enough to make it work.” I gestured to a stumpy pedestal burbling contentedly in the center of the room with cables branching out of it like tree roots.

Rarity smiled supportively, listening to me gush about my new toy like a patient parent on Christmas morning. Even Pinkie Pie would have looked subdued compared to how tickled pink I was. In all honesty, though, the cauldron was the greater of the two achievements. I explained that, without magic of their own, zebras and alchemists must rely on magic “engines” in order to generate power, carefully mixing potions and elements together to create a stable self-contained chain reaction within the great iron tubs. Ingredients go in, raw magic aura comes out. Although most rudimentary cauldrons were no more powerful than a Bunsen burner and were only used for breaking down items into their base components, (like the ones used by Zecora or Harry Potter or the witch in Brave) there was supposedly no limit to how large a cauldron could be. Provided it was fed, of course.

“Quite impressive, I must say.” Rarity leaned over one of my portals, admiring the back of her own mane. “Well done! Besides personal grooming, of course, were there other uses for this spell or was it simply for your studies?”

“Snicker, snicker!” I squinted with a mousy grin. “Not that I can tell anypony, but let’s just say I’m glad I got this assembled before the delegates from Saddle Arabia show up.” Rarity looked at me askew.

“Did you just say ‘snicker’ instead of actually snickering?”

“Mebbe… Anyway, sorry for the mess. Twilight and I weren’t expecting anyone to come over today.” I cut the power running to the portals (much to Rarity’s chagrin) and began sweeping up stacks of stray papers into neat piles. “What brings you to the library?”

“Well, admittedly, I was looking for dear Twilight…” Rarity looked back over the lab as if still expecting to see the purple student buried under a pile of books somewhere.

“I’m afraid she’s off at Fluttershy’s place. Still practicing for when Celestia and her Arabian friends arrive.” I shrugged. “Sorry.”

“Oh, that’s perfectly all right, darling. I merely popped in to deliver a tin of my favorite tea. Absolutely revitalizing, my own blend actually, perfect for those late nights and looming deadlines. Or studying, as in her case.” Rarity’s deep blue eyes twinkled. “Though recently you seem to be using her laboratory even more than she is.”

“I’m telling you, it feels like not a day goes by when I’m not scouting the market for a place of my own.” A defeated hand scratched the back of my head. “But nothing’s come up.”

“Well, what are you searching for?” There was more than a touch of amusement in my friend’s voice.

“Nothing fancy, really.” I sighed. “Lilly and I don’t need much space, just a couple bedrooms, bath, and a little kitchen. And a lab, of course. A study would be nice, but if I was going to ask for anything special, I’d like one of those little mixed-use buildings downtown. They have those cute little shop fronts on the first floor so I can start selling my potions.”

“Starting a business?” Rarity sang. “That’s quite ambitious of you, Mark.”

“Like you’re one to talk.” I poked back.

“Hm, touché.”

“Boy, howdy, sugarcube! What’s with all this here racket? I recon’ there’s ‘nuff cluckin’ goin’ on down here ta fix up a regular chickin’ coop!” A freckled earth pony with a long blond mane and a Stetson suddenly appeared at the entrance to the basement, beaming with a toothy grin and warbling like a turkey choking on a marble.

“Oh Lord…” I cupped a hand to my forehead.

“Applejack?” Rarity looked up at her friend with wide eyes.

“Tha’s my name, sugarcube, an’ don’tcha go wearin’ it out, little missy!” Applejack reared up and kicked the air jubilantly. “Yee-haw! Ah just finished buckin’ the ‘ol orchard an’ wanted to say ‘howdy’ to my favorite deputies. Can’t seem to find miss Twahlight, though, sugarcube. Any of y’all seen ‘er? Whoo doggies, we ‘kin round ‘er up quick as a whip!”

“Dear, are you quite all right?” Rarity stance was more rigid than was strictly polite. “Are you feeling well? You sound a bit…”

“No, let her continue. This is good.” The corners of my mouth felt like they were trying to rise clear up to my eyes.

“Now what in the hay’s up with you folks? Y’all starin’ at me like I’m weirder ‘n a biscuit in a pigpen. Shucks, sugarcube, ah’m as fit as a guitar, an’ twice as purdy! Ain’t like ah’ve been eatin’ salads made of poison joke, so don’tcha recognize yer ol’ friend, sugarcube?”

“Ah… Can’t say that I do.” Rarity kept her eyes on the orange mare as she turned towards me. “Mark? What’s going on? What’s so funny?” At that moment, I was nearly biting through my tongue just trying to keep a straight face.

“That… That was amazing.” My shoulders shook from the giggles bouncing within my lungs. In the next moment, though, I fixed Applejack in a knowing glance and asked, “Do you want to tell her or should I?”

“Tell her? What? But, but… How did you know?” Lilly’s voice came out of the earth pony. A bright green tongue of flame licked up the pony’s bright hide and evaporated, leaving the little changeling standing in the laboratory. She pouted and began rubbing her foreleg dejectedly. “I thought for sure I’d win that time!”

“Well that explains a few things.” Rarity breathed a sigh of relief. Still smiling, I pointed at Lilly with a pencil and explained,

“Your disguise itself was wonderful. Right coat, right eyes, you even wore her braid to cover up your scar.” One of my arms pulled the changeling in for a half-hug. “But your choice of words wasn’t something Applejack would say. You were playing a character of her instead of the actual pony.”

“What does that mean?” Lilly scratched her scar self-consciously.

“Well, take Rarity for instance.”

“Moi?” The white unicorn blinked.

“She doesn’t say ‘darling’ every sentence now, does she?” I explained. “True, she says it more than most ponies, darling. However, darling, don’t you think that it sounds rather forced to inject it into conversation too much, darling? In fact, darling, it doesn’t even sound like Rarity anymore. Not to mention, darling, it almost sounds like you’re mocking the person you’re trying to copy. Isn’t that right, darling?”

“Sorry, Miss Rarity.” The changeling itched her ear.

“Oh, that’s quite all right,… dear.” Rarity giggled.

“It’s a common mistake.” I consoled my filly friend. “Even Pen Stroke, the author of ‘Past Sins’ struggles with it. Though, he got a lot better by the time he wrote ‘Sunset Slayer’…” (Seriously, though, dude, if you’re reading this, I’m a big fan!) I continued, “Likewise, Applejack doesn’t say ‘sugarcube’ all the time, Pinkie Pie doesn’t say ‘party’ all the time, and Rainbow Dash… Well, actually I take that back. Rainbow Dash does like to use the word ‘awesome’ more than is healthy.”

Boom!

“Twilight! Twilight! Hey, Twilight?” A distant crash shook the library, raining dust from the basement’s ceiling.

“Well, speak of the devil.” I muttered, but it quickly became clear that there was nothing ‘awesome’ about Rainbow Dash’s sudden appearance. From the basement, we could hear the blue pegasus shouting for Twilight, her voice even more strained than usual.

“She sounds worried.” Lilly Limn began scratching her shoulder.

“Properly distressed.” Rarity agreed.

“Well, let’s go see what the commotion’s all about.” I began poking my way back toward the stairs with Lilly right behind me. “And stop scratching! You’re gonna get a rash.”

“I can’t help it!” The changeling whined. “My tail’s itchy and my nose is itchy and my ears are itchy and my hooves are itchy…”

Back upstairs, Rainbow Dash was flying frantic circles around the library like a hornet caught in a glass jar. Owlowiscious hooted irritably at the pegasus’s disruptive clamor and looked to us hopefully as Rarity and I alighted on the main floor.

“Looking for Twilight? I’m afraid she’s not here, darling.” Rarity called out. She glanced at Lilly, suddenly very self-conscious about that last word.

“Guys!” Rainbow Dash dive bombed us, stopping within an inch of the white unicorn’s nose. “Where is she? She needs to know! We need to stop her!”

“Fluttershy’s cottage.” I cocked my head. “Rainbow, what’s going on? What does she need to know? Stop who?”

“Thank you!” Before the words had even left her lips, Rainbow Dash spun around and shot towards the front door. As she crossed the room, the pegasus hollered back, “There’s trouble at the town hall!”

“What trouble?” Rarity cried. Rainbow Dash poked her head back through the door.

“She’s back!”

“Who?” Rarity, Lilly, and I hollered.

“Trixie!” And then the pegasus was gone for good.

Like a trio of trees, our group suddenly found themselves rooted in place.

“Who?” Owlowiscious cooed.

“Shoot! That’s today?” I glanced at my naked forearm sarcastically and muttered, “God as my witness, one of these days I’m going to get a proper wristwatch.”

“You were expecting her, then?” Rarity glanced up at me.

“More or less.” My head tilted back to the ceiling. Not that I could tell Rarity, but I’d been looking forward to “Magic Duel” for a long time. One reason, of course, was to wrap up the drama of the disgraced showmare, but there were more personal reasons as well.

“Didn’t she call an ursa into Ponyville?” Lilly began scratching again, but stopped herself.

“No, sweet pea, that was technically Snips and Snails.”

“But is Ponyville in danger again?” The changeling studied my face warily. An iron line was settling onto my brow, a sure sign that I was weighing the various pros and cons of episode interference. (A face she had seen quite a bit of during the recent Summer Harvest Parade.)

“We’re about to find out.” I declared, stepping toward the front door.

Though I was confident that my friends and I would be able to resolve this episode smoothly, exactly how cautious I had to be with it remained to be seen. Trixie was no season premier or finale and her pranks had looked harmless enough in the show, but at the end of the day she was still a villain. And if there was one class of characters that wasn’t to be underestimated, it was the villains.

As the three of us stepped out into the bright sunlight, Rarity gently tugged on my sleeve.

“Now, Mark, I know Lilly has been working hard to find a pony veneer to call her own, but don’t you think her latest design is a little… conspicuous?”

“Her what?” I turned around and nearly cut my eyeballs on a scene of pure edginess. In place of my changeling filly stood a young alicorn with crimson stripes cut into a dark obsidian hide and a long tail ending in a spearhead of fur. Her pointed feathers were splayed like a rack of swords and her blood red eyes glowed with a faint light.

“Lilly!? What are you-? Take that off before somepony sees you!”

“But daddy!” The alicorn protested. “I worked hard on this one. Her name is Razor Night, and she’s the princess of Tartarus and black holes and she likes to fly on nights with no moon and eats lightning clouds so she can breathe lightning breath, but she’s always lonely because everypony was too afraid of her and-”

“How about her name is ‘Edgelord’ and she’s the princess of ‘where-did-I-go-wrong’ and her special talent is ‘what-did-I-tell-you-about-red-and-black-alicorn-OCs’?”

“That nobody likes them…” Lilly looked at the ground and shuffled her hooves.

“That’s right. Now let’s get changed before someone cuts themselves just by standing too close. Remember the story about Snowdrop? Just go with her for now.”

“Ok…” A flash of verdant flame later, and an icy blue pegasus filly with a snow-white mane took the place of the dark alicorn.

“Don’t worry honey. Someday we’ll find a guise for you.” I turned back toward the center of town. “And when we get back, remind me to get you some friends. Sheesh!”

We found the town square smoldering with energy, like a storm about to break. Ponies coagulated in the in front of the city hall, some curious, some nervous, all of them unwitting spectators in Trixie’s newest magic tour. Just as before, the blue unicorn had planted herself right in the middle of Ponyville, but this time she wasn’t using her wagon or fireworks to get the town’s attention. She wasn’t here for them.

“Where is Twilight Sparkle?” Smoldering red eyes looked over the crowd from beneath a black hood.

“What do you want with her?” Applejack challenged.

“Wrong answer.” The eyes flicked over to the Apple family’s produce cart and immediately one of the red fruits shot into the air like a rocket, smashing one of the windows of the town hall. As Rarity, Lilly and I ran up behind our friend, I saw at least five other windows were already knocked out. “Now, where is Twilight Sparkle?”

“We told you! She’s on her way!” The orange earth pony flinched as another apple leapt off the pile. The sound of breaking glass rang through the air.

“Too slow.” A line of pearl white teeth appeared beneath the burning eyes. “I can do this all day.”

“Well, good for you! Now quit it!” Applejack snorted. As if to annunciate, she and Big McIntosh pulled a tarp over their remaining stock and stood defiantly between it and the shrouded unicorn. The large red stallion lifted his head and stuck out his chest to make his already impressive stature somehow expand into a full-fledged goliath.

Trixie laughed at goliaths.

“Ooh, an earth pony! I’m so scared! Oh, wait,” The mouth curled into a snarky grin. “no I’m not.” A lance of crimson light shot out from under the hood and caught Big Mac squarely on his breastbone. At once, the large red pony’s hooves left the street and he began rising into the sky like a real-life Marjorie Dursley.

“Wuh? Nnnope!”

“Hang on Big Mac! I gotcha!” In the blink of an eye, Applejack whipped out her lasso and snagged her brother by one of his flailing forelegs. For the span of a breath, it looked like she was going to be pulled after him, but Lilly and I leapt forward and helped haul the wayward pony earthbound. If glares were guns, then Applejack aimed a Howitzer at Trixie as she fastened her brother to a nearby tree.

“Hey!” Pinkie Pie leapt forward sporting a scowl borrowed from a Dragon Ball Z character. Of course, her attempt at a serious face was undermined by the fact that she had a spot of flour on her nose and was still whipping a bowl of batter clutched under a foreleg, but it was the thought that counted. “Nopony gets to turn my friends into balloons except me!” She reached into her magic satchel and pulled out a white balloon slathered in eyeliner. “I call this one ‘Rarity’.”

Trixie didn’t have a good response to that, so she contented herself with snatching up the cupcakes-in-the-making with her magic and slapping it all over the front of the pink pony’s apron.

“Nooo!” Pinkie fell to her knees, liquid pastry running through her hooves. “Why? Why must the goods die young?”

“Trixie!” Rarity stamped a hoof. “That was completely uncalled for!”

“Oh, really?” Trixie’s Scott Summers leer flashed dangerously. “What’s the matter? Don’t like the taste of your own medicine?”

“Huh?” I was taken aback, but my bewilderment was drowned out by the sound of magic splitting the air. The new red gleam of Trixie’s aura enveloped Rarity, gripped her, smothered her, and squeezed her, and then the light faded, the white pony was wrapped in a loud dress of obnoxious green and sickly brown. Everypony in the crowd winced and I couldn’t blame them. From where I was standing, the ensemble that Rarity had been enveloped in looked less like a dress and more like an opera-singing boss from Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

“Augh!” Rarity seized like a wet cat, trying to shrink away from her prison.

“And you thought green was bad before.” Trixie gave a low chuckle.

“You beast!” The white unicorn shrieked. “This shade of brown should only be used for accents!” Her eyelids fluttered and the delicate pony began to fall into a swoon. Applejack and Pinkie Pie caught her and quickly beat their retreat away from the evening blue unicorn.

“What’s going on here?” Twilight appeared at the edge of the crowd, followed by Spike and Rainbow Dash.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Twilight Sparkle!” The sinister unicorn finally swept the hood off her head and smiled coldly at the magic student.

“Trixie!”

“What’s she doing here?” Spike growled.

The newcomers looked around the town square uncertainly. Signs of Trixie’s vandalism, both on the city and the ponies themselves, littered the scene. There seemed to be little reason or rhyme to the magician’s twisted sense of humor, other than the simple fact that everything she did was to demean or humiliate the target. Rainbow Dash jabbed an angry hoof at Big Mac and scoffed,

“You call that great and powerful?”

The blue unicorn took her eyes off Twilight Sparkle just long enough to throw a dirty look at the brazen pegasus. Immediately, Rainbow Dash’s right wing stretched to an ungainly size and the once-graceful flyer plummeted to the dirt.

There was a smattering of different reactions from the crowd. Most of them were as affronted and surprised as Twilight Sparkle, but a few still seemed to think that this was just another show by the Great and Powerful Trixie and chortled accordingly. Only the most loyal of fans, like Snips and Snails, legitimately found anything humorous about the scene.

However, not even they were spared. In one moment, the two unicorn colts were cheering on their idol, in the next, they were her new targets. As the wave of red magic washed over the foals, fusing their horns stalk-to-stalk, it became clear to everyone that this display of ruthless power was no longer for their entertainment. The TV-Y show couldn’t convey how macabre that scene really was. Or the squeals of pain it elicited from the two unicorns. I instinctively tried to shield Lilly behind my leg.

“Stop picking on my friends, Trixie!” Twilight’s frustration, however, only fueled the smoldering red light.

“You and I have some unfinished business.” Trixie said coolly. “My magic’s gotten better since I was here last. And I’m going to prove it! Me and you, a magic duel. Winner stays, loser leaves Ponyville forever!”

Despite myself, a shudder ran through me at the last word. Up until that point, Trixie had been relatively collected, but as soon as she threw down her challenge, something changed in her expression. I can’t say for certain, but for an instant, instead of the tainted personality of the Alicorn Amulet, I thought I glimpsed legitimate anguish. Perhaps Twilight saw it too and her first instinct was to try to avoid fueling Trixie’s ire any further.

“Forget it!” She looked away. “I’d never make a deal like that.”

But it wasn’t a request. Trixie continued her unholy crusade, first turning Spike into a dragon roll and then melting Pinkie Pie’s mouth shut like Mr. Smith from The Matrix. With shrinking patience, and with her burning stare never leaving Twilight’s face, Trixie meticulously recounted her life after her flight from Ponyville. With a damaged reputation, and in the wake of the heroic efforts of Celestia’s prized student, the lonely unicorn found it impossible to capture new audiences, let alone shine on the stage like she used to. Instead, she learned full well what it was like to be laughed at for the entertainment of others. Everywhere she went, her new reputation was waiting for her in the form of mockery, harassment, and even vandalism. Abandoned by the bright lights of the stage and betrayed by her own magic talent, it was no stretch of the imagination to see that when she finally hit rock bottom, (literally) her mind was in a very wounded and very dark place. It was almost enough to make one feel sorry for the little terrorist. Almost.

Finally, with thick red aura billowing around her horn, the disgraced magician uprooted the Golden Oak Library itself. We all watched helplessly as the building was torn from the earth like a weed and then turned over and over in the unicorn’s magic like a giant baoding ball. From where we stood, echoing thumps and the clinking of broken glass reached our ears as everything inside the building was scrambled.

“Shoot! Did I leave the oven on?” I muttered into my hand. By “oven”, of course, I was referring to my cauldron, but since the library was only bleeding books and not luminous green tar, I assumed the magic core was still sitting safe and sound in the basement.

A flicker of movement caught my attention and I glanced down to see Twilight Sparkle looking up at me with a worried expression. She inclined her head ever so slightly toward Trixie and the tapestry of spreading destruction. After a moment, my own face softened and I gave her the smallest of nods. Yes, this was an episode. Yes, she was supposed to duel. Yes, things would turn out all right in the end. (So long as we all played our part.) Relieved, but still wary, the purple unicorn turned back toward her challenger.

“Alright, Trixie.” She resigned. “Let’s duel!”

“Excellent.” The blue unicorn smiled through her silky white mane. All the provocative spells were undone, except for Pinkie’s mouth, and the two ponies squared off for their first proper horn-to-horn showdown. The town fell into a state of utter silence save for the stuttering voice of Yugi in my head.

The d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel was a lot more jarring to watch in person than it was to see on a computer screen, but the overall theme was identical. The two artists painted their spells at breakneck speed, Trixie throwing destructive curses about like a toddler wielding a roman candle while Twilight deftly caught and neutralized each one. The blue unicorn didn’t care for the collateral damage or even for the safety of the spectators, her actions were frenzied, angry, even intentionally hurtful. For as long as she could, my friend tried to restrain her power and limit herself to harmless spells, but she found herself in a corner more than once and had to rely on an explosive spell to save herself.

At last, Trixie smothered half the town in a blizzard to try and freeze her nimble opponent, but even that was countered when Twilight summoned a radiant heatwave. In the same motion, the purple unicorn shot out a spell, catching her attacker squarely in the face. There was no physical damage, but the elegant moustache that sprouted on Trixie’s face did a nigh-lethal blow to her intimidation factor. A few spectators chuckled nervously at the scene, but I could tell that Twilight was breathing heavily and wouldn’t be able to keep up with her opponent’s tempo for much longer.

At that moment, however, Trixie abandoned the anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better strategy and went right for the clincher. It’s not worth recounting the play-by-play, but suffice to say that Trixie stepped beyond what was supposed to be physically possible, even for unicorn magic. Her power wasn’t just enough to command the world around her, but its tendrils also ran back and forth through the streams of time itself and out of its churning currents she was able to pluck an older version of Snails and the younger version of Snips. Stunned by this sudden revelation, not only was Twilight unable to counter the spell, but she made it perfectly clear that it shouldn’t have been possible in the first place.

And that was it. After struggling over this conundrum, after trying to make sense of what she was seeing, after pouring enough magic into the air to make Ponyville buzz like Chernobyl, Twilight Sparkle had to concede defeat. One by one, the spectators in the crowd realized what this meant and as the confidence fell from each face, Trixie’s smile grew ever brighter.

“Trixie is the highest level unicorn!” The showpony tossed her head back and laughed. Upon her chest, the Alicorn Amulet glinted like wet fangs. All around the crowd, Twilight’s friends and neighbors shifted uneasily as the blue unicorn drank her cup of victory down to the dregs. “And now, it’s time for you to leave Ponyville! FOREVER!”

“That’s enough, Trixie!” Applejack placed herself squarely between the two combatants.

“You’ve made your point.” Rarity and the rest of the girls joined the earth pony. “But you can’t possibly expect Twilight to leave Ponyville!”

“Shouldn’t we join them?” Lilly tugged my pant leg anxiously.

“Highest level unicorns, windows through time, time spell, could it be?... Huh?” I blinked my way out of a particularly deep tunnel of thought. “Sorry, I was just creepily talking to myself.” Before we could make a move to join the protest, however, it was already over.

Trixie’s nostrils flared in a sneer.

“You fools! She’s already gone!”

With a surge of energy mighty enough to tear stones from the pavement, Twilight Sparkle was swept up in a burst of magic and hurled through the sky as if Bowser had just beaned her in the face with a homerun bat. The mare’s startled cry faded into the distance comically as the rest of her friends and I tried to follow on foot.

“I hope they cover ‘landing strategies’ in Celestia’s fancy school.” I puffed. In the distance, Twilight’s purple silhouette crash-landed beyond the outskirts of town.

However, not even Rainbow Dash could catch up to Twilight before Trixie conjured a titanic barrier around the city. As I ran, there was a warbling sound, like a Covenant ship dropping out of slipspace, and when I looked up, I saw a bulbous dome of glass swallowing the sky. Within moments, we were all cast in a Steven King book.

Twilight was just beyond the barrier, covered in dust and gravel, but otherwise unharmed. The only damage she seemed to have suffered was that to her confidence. That morning, she had woken up in the safety of her own home, surrounded by her closest friends, and looking forward to a visit from the princess. Now, she was cast adrift with no one alongside her and no way to get back to them. That didn’t mean that she was truly alone, however.

“Twilight!” Spike panted as he collapsed against the edge of the barrier.

“It’s okay, guys.” The student’s voice was muffled through the wall of glass. “I’ll figure something out. Just take care of each other.”

“No worries.” I gave a sly wink. “We’ll be all right.” Around me, the girls gave their own encouragement and reassurances. It wasn’t much, but our friend seemed to take some comfort in seeing us say so.

“And keep an eye on Trixie. There’s something strange about her.” Twilight glanced past us to where the blue unicorn was striding forward, gloating over the pathetic scene. Without another word, the purple pony took a deep breath and left Ponyville behind her.

“Twilight…” Spike watched her go with a visible heaviness.

“It’ll be all right.” I placed a hand on the drake’s shoulder. “It will take more than a fancy terrarium to defeat Twilight Sparkle.” For emphasis, I rapped my knuckles on the transparent barrier, sending ripples of light dancing over its surface. An effect, I noted, which implied that the fancy shield was made of more than simple glass.

“Don’t touch that!” At Trixie’s rebuke, a spark of electricity lanced through my fingers, stinging my knuckles and the hand I’d placed on Spike. We both jumped as the blue unicorn pronounced, “Nopony is to tamper with the magic force field. This will be the first rule of Trixie’s town.”

“Not a pony…” I sniggered. Trixie lifted a sleek eyebrow and a fresh burst of lighting leapt off the enchanted glass. Spike and I yelped as our spines were forcibly stretched into rods of iron. When the punishment ended, I collapsed forward, fighting to catch my breath.

“Mark!” Lilly lent a shoulder to support me. Trixie stepped forward and looked down her muzzle at the top of my head.

“Perhaps next time, you should try ‘yes, Trixie’.”

“Yes… Trixie.” Really, I wanted nothing more than to sling a rotten tomato into the bully’s smug face, but without said fruit on hand, I contented myself with the knowledge that she would get her just deserts soon enough.

With a haughty chuckle, the corrupted magician tossed her mane and began making her way back towards Ponyville. As soon as the coast was clear, my friends helped Spike and I back to our feet.

“Are you okay?” Rainbow Dash glanced at the imposing glass wall behind me.

“Now what the hay’s her problem?” Applejack tossed a dirty look at Trixie.

“And did I hear that right? Did she just refer to Ponyville as ‘Trixie’s town’?” Rarity looked worried.

“Yup.” I worked my stiff shoulders. “Best we learn to roll with the punches for a little bit. This is where things get interesting.”

The moment I first heard that the princess was going to visit Saddle Arabia, I had been faced with a choice; join Twilight Sparkle outside the dome and study magic with Zecora, or stay with the rest of my friends in town and endure Trixie’s new regime. Before the day of the duel even dawned, I had decided that my talents were best positioned within the captive city. It was where I felt I had the most control, if not openly defying Trixie, then at least protecting the rest of the girls, and that simple gesture would go a long way towards easing Twilight Sparkle’s peace of mind. We weren’t completely helpless, either, what with the lab and my potions at our disposal, and I was eager for a chance to study the effects of the Alicorn Amulet up close.

Of course, I still had no idea what we were really getting into.

If Trixie was elated over her epic victory against her sworn rival, the moment passed faster than a hummingbird’s heartbeat. With Twilight Sparkle gone, the young tyrant’s glowing red eyes wasted no time in finding new targets to dominate, new prey to devour, new necks to put beneath her hoof. She still looked like Trixie, still strutted like her, still referred to herself in the third person, but her flair for the dramatic had been twisted into a completely alien persona. What had once been a malicious breed of humor had mutated into an obsession for conquest. And everything around her was fair game.

“What is the meaning of this?” Our Mayor demanded.

The crowd of ponies hadn’t moved an inch from where we left them. Most of them were still trying to process what they had seen while the others were already frustrated with Trixie’s antics. Mayor Mare, unfortunately, was one of the latter.

“Just cleaning up this one-horse town.” Trixie polished a forehoof on her cloak. “Can’t have garbage lingering in the streets, after all.” More than a couple ponies shifted nervously.

“You can’t just ostracize an outstanding member of the community!” The Mayor squawked. “And the princess’s own student, no less!”

“You mean like how you ostracized the Great and Powerful Trixie?” The blue unicorn’s voice prickled like a porcupine’s backside. “Oh, but you’d never run a pony out of town, would you?”

To my surprise, a few individuals in the crowd averted their eyes.

“Yes, but, but a wall?” Mayor Mare quailed. “Isn’t this all a bit… much?”

“How are we supposed to run the train station?” A disembodied voice leapt from the gathered citizens.

“Or use the roads!” Another call chimed in.

“What’s a pony have to do to get back to the orchard?” Applejack demanded.

“Or just think about all the animals that are trapped here.” Fluttershy whimpered.

“I can’t run a business like this!” Cherry Berry hollered.

Trixie looked out over the rising sea of dissent as more and more ponies began to call for her to remove the shield. Suddenly, the blue mare’s face softened to a look of complete nonchalance and she began to step forward as if the angry shouts of the mob were no more than the buzzing of flies. She passed by a nearby produce stand where she snatched up a ripe stalk of celery and a jar of freshly blended peanut butter. As she continued walking, the owner of the stall, a pink earth pony named Daisy, tried to catch her attention.

“Um, miss? You still have to pay for that.”

“Oh? Has Trixie forgotten something?” The blue unicorn blinked innocently. “Or have you?”

Before anypony could intervene, the cursed red light flared along Trixie’s horn and enveloped the little stall. At once, the fruits and vegetables burst, their seeds swelling with magic energy and within a moment, a forest of vines and branches were laying down roots and tearing the wooden structure apart. Daisy herself was lifted up by her hind legs and dangled like a fly caught in a web above the street. Gasps of astonishment and loud protests filled the town square, but Trixie’s voice cut through them all like a scythe.

“Let this be perfectly clear, Ponyville.” Once more, wrath poisoned the unicorn’s features. “Don’t forget that you have already stolen everything from Trixie! You left her with nothing! Now you are the ones who still need to pay. Is there a problem?” As she uttered the last four words, Trixie’s voice swelled until the very ground trembled beneath its weight. A swirling breeze licked the dust around the magician’s hooves and the sky grew black with the manifestation of an iron storm cloud.

“Pinocchio’s conscience, this got dark quick.” I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry.

“Now, then,” Trixie dipped the stalk of her celery into the peanut butter and began chewing it thoughtfully. “The Great and Powerful Trixie requires a new residence.” She looked down her nose at the tallest building in town. “This will do.”

“The town hall?” The Mayor stammered. “But I’m afraid that’s impossible. It’s used for conducting legislation and-”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie… does not remember a question mark at the end of her sentence.” The sith pony leveled her horn at Mayor Mare like a lightsaber and in a flash, the old bird was dangling above the street, locked in a large gilded cage.

“Something tells me we should make ourselves scarce.” I bent down and whispered to my friends. They nodded, but as we turned to melt into the crowd, a haughty voice cuffed our ears.

“You there! Where are you going? Trixie has a job for you.” The blue unicorn smirked at our little band and began marching towards the Town Hall. Of course, being Twilight’s friends, it made sense that we would be singled out and we were given no choice but to follow.

It was going to be a long day.

Trixie threw her weight around like a sumo wrestler on a rugby field. Swollen on her newfound authority, the former vagrant was gorging herself on the spoils of victory, living like a king at the expense of our small town. After casting out everything in the town hall that didn’t suit her tastes, the wannabe princess set to work ordering us to reassemble it in her image. Everything had to be “Trixie” themed, from the cutiemarks engraved into the building’s (remaining) windows, to the tapestries of TGAPT herself hanging over every wall.

Our new overlord made it very clear that nopony had rights to their own property anymore. Three restaurants were ordered to provide three separate buffets from which only Trixie was allowed to eat, Rarity “donated” countless bolts of fabric to the tapestry project, and Applejack was ordered to stomp her own harvest into spoiled mash for no good reason. Old, young, hooves or feet, everyone was expected to jump at the whims of Trixie. Those who dared to speak out were slapped with a sneezing curse, rendering the would-be dissenters effectively mute.

“She said she came here for Twilight, but now that she’s out of the way, nothing’s different.” I muttered beneath my breath, wiping down a window with a soapy rag.

“Mmm-hmm. Mmph mmphnmg, mng hmmph!” Pinkie Pie nodded her head.

“Yeah, if anything, she’s worse.” I translated.

“I hope Miss Twilight’s doing all right.” Lilly came up beside me with a fresh bucket of water.

“At this point, I almost envy her.” My stormy eyes tossed knives over my shoulder.

“You two! Hurry up with my throne!” Trixie barked at the Cakes before whirling around on Applejack. “And you! How long do I have to wait for my applesauce facial?”

The earth pony had been wading around in a vat large enough to accommodate a hippo’s facial for hours, but there were only so many straws you could put on a camel’s back.

“Forget it, Trixie!” Applejack stomped, mashing one last apple. “I ain’t doing nothin’ until you let Twilight come home!”

All around the town hall, ponies looked up with wide eyes at the mare’s bravery. If the past dozen “sneezers” had been any indication, Trixie was not the negotiating type.

“Oh? An earth pony who refuses to work?” The blue unicorn smiled sweetly. “Then remind Trixie, what good are you?” She leveled her horn at the orange pony and released a bolt of magic. Applejack was knocked into the air, cringing and writhing, but this time around, the villain wasn’t using feathers to get her point across.

“Aaaaugh! Okay! Okay, I’ll do it! Just make it- just make it stop!” For a breath, the magic vanished and the room was still. Every eye was still locked on the floating mare. I suddenly realized I was wringing my towel into brutal knots.

“Correction, you little mud-pony, you’ll do it regardless.” With no more effort than fluttering an eyelid, Trixie sent Applejack careening into a pile of wooden bushels. The earth pony grunted in surprise, but wisely remained where she lay. “Because I said so.”

“Applejack!” Lilly and I dashed forward and helped our friend to her hooves. The country gal had suffered a bruise or two, but was fortunate enough to avoid any serious injury.

“Sorry for cavin’ in so quick.” Applejack gratefully accepted her hat from Lilly. “Felt like there was a family of ferrets scurryin’ under my skin.”

“Trixie’s take on the ‘Crutiatus’ curse, perhaps?” My words slipped through clenched teeth. “Nobody blames you, AJ.”

“Yeah, I know what that feels like.” Lilly grimaced, scratching her foreleg again.

“No you don’t.” I hissed.

“I thought I told you to dance!” The whole room jumped as Trixie rounded on Pinkie Pie.

“That was my fault, Trixie, ma’am.” I stepped halfway between the unicorn and her mouthless prey. “I told her to stop dancing until she’s had a chance to eat something.”

It was a weak argument, and my hint of sarcasm didn’t help it, but I was pinning my hope on the fact that Trixie would see just how unreasonable she was being and, hopefully, undo the muting spell she’d put on the poor pony.

“Need I remind you all who’s giving the orders in Ponyville now?” Pinkie visibly shrunk beneath the showmare’s gaze. “The Great and Powerful Trixie, or this two-legged earthworm?”

Before I could protest that I wasn’t that pink, the magician was already casting a new spell. Our overlord spun a ribbon of red light into the air which wrapped itself around Pinkie Pie and sunk into her hide. My friend grunted, held her stomach, and bugged out her eyes. Then, a look of nausea colored her cheeks as her pupils drifted towards each other.

“What did you-?”

“Oatmeal.” The blue unicorn brushed her mane out of her eyes. “Isn’t Trixie just the most benevolent unicorn in Equestria?” She wandered off to the far side of the room to torment a new group of ponies. Without the Great and Powerful cloud hanging over us, I dared to linger beside my friend for a moment longer.

“We’re meeting at the library tonight. Spread the word.”

“Mm-gmmm?”

“Oh, right. Well, just pass along the message, then.”

Rebellion is like farming; there’s only so much manure a pony can fling before the ground is ripe for the seeds of insurgency and Trixie had stunk up the entire town in just one day. No reason to drag out the inevitable if we could help it.

Evening finally rolled around, though there was little to distinguish it from the rest of the day. The storm that Trixie had brewed hung just as low and menacing over the town as ever, casting everything in a grey light. Ponies that could stayed indoors while the ones who had to walk the roads did so in timid sprints. Everywhere they went, the ponies could feel “Big Brother’s” eyes on them.

“We clear?” I asked Spike from across the library.

“Yeah. I don’t see anypony out there.” The little dragon peeled back a corner of the curtains to scan the bleak landscape outside.

“That’s a relief.” My neck muscles groaned like iron cables as I allowed myself a moment to relax. “Rarity, how’s that ointment treating you?”

“Absolutely heavenly.” The white unicorn looked up from a stack of books she had been flipping through. “It’s no day at the spa, but after today, it might as well be.” At her hooves was a bowl a warm tea-like concoction designed to soothe the myriad of cuts and pricks she had collected from working a needle all day.

Though it was no hospital, Twilight’s lab made the library one of the last sources of basic first-aid in the city. Applejack’s bruises were anointed and bandaged and Rainbow Dash was recovering from a lightning burn she’d acquired while trying to bust one of Trixie’s storm clouds. Pinkie Pie’s was the only ailment of real severity, though, and it broke my heart to see her… “struggle”. (Ok, I won’t sugarcoat it. She was trying to drink a cupshake through her nose.)

“Yeah… Something tells me you won’t be getting your spa back anytime soon, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash fluttered around the ceiling with one of Twilight’s notebooks in front of her.

“Oh? And what makes you think that?”

“Maybe because our new mayor replaced the sign with ‘Trixie’s Bathhouse’?” The blue pegasus rolled her eyes.

“Oh.” Rarity whimpered.

“Well, the sooner we figure out how she was able to best Twilight, the sooner we can be rid of that stupid vulture.” It’s a good thing glares weren’t rocks or I’d have smashed one of Twilight’s windows.

“Mark!” My unicorn friend clicked her tongue.

“Sorry. Long day.” I massaged the bridge of my nose. “I think her name calling is wearing off on me. Who would’ve thought Trixie had a xenophobic streak in her?”

“I still think you shoulda let me smack her after she called Scootaloo a chicken.” Rainbow Dash tossed the notebook and flipped open a new one.

“Heck, I would’ve smacked her myself if I wasn’t busy stopping you!” We shared a dry giggle, but Rarity still looked grim.

“I do hope this needn’t resort to use of force.” She brushed her mane out of her eyes. “Trixie seems to be a fair step ahead of us in that regard.”

“More like a hop, skip, and an Evel Knievel jump ahead of us.” My teeth ground slowly across each other as I pondered the nature of the Amulet’s power. Twilight Sparkle might have had Mr. Bearded in mind when she was talking about “time magic”, but I knew of one other source that she had not yet encountered. Whether windows to the past, dimensional locks, or a purple/white potion that revealed forgotten secrets, time magic was usually a sign that an alicorn was involved. Perhaps there was some meaning behind the Amulet’s overblown name after all.

In accordance with the episode, it was Fluttershy who finally found an article on the Alicorn Amulet and thus brought a little light back into our day. The brief glow was quickly strangled, however, as the girls soon learned exactly what they were up against. The corruptive power of the artifact meant that they not only had a super-powered tyrant lording over them, but that she was slowly falling into madness as well. Our hourly pleas for Trixie to come to her senses and see reason suddenly seemed like a waste of precious breath.

“Whaddya mean we can’t just take it off?” Rainbow Dash bristled her feathers. “How come she has to do it?”

“It could be any number of things.” I explained, steepling my fingers like Mace Windu. “The lock may be powered by her aura, so the stronger she is, the stronger it is. It could be something as straightforward as a retractable clasp that simply disappears until she wants to unlock it. Or it could be that the nature of the power has taken root in her very spirit, meaning that forcibly removing the artifact would put her life in danger.” I chewed my lip thoughtfully. “Like a parasite.”

“Which do you think it is?” Applejack wondered. Then she added, “An’ I’m not asking you for spoilers or whatnot, but because you’re a magic student.”

“I think it’s the last one.” My voice was grave enough to bury a body in. “It would explain why it corrupts the mind so effectively. A symbiotic relationship.”

One thing that I didn’t share was how much I admired the craftsmanship that went into the device. Not only did it charge and focus its host’s latent magic ability, but it filtered their senses until their every thought was a thirst for more power. That’s why, once worn, the bearer would never dream of removing it on their own. However, it’s also the exact reason why Trixie would give up the Amulet in exchange for Zecora’s doorstop.

I was suddenly very curious as to who would make a device that simultaneously created an unstoppable warrior and a gullible slave.

“Then we can still swoop in and steal it?” Rainbow Dash’s voice brought me back to myself.

“But, what about Trixie?” Fluttershy gasped.

“She’s right.” I pointed to the yellow pony. “A mangy git of a pony though she be, Trixie is still a pony and might as well be treated as such. I’m not calling her a victim after what she’s done, but let’s call turning her into a drooling vegetable ‘plan B’. What we need to do it get this information to an actual magic student.”

“But h-how?” The shy pegasus hovered behind Rarity.

“If any of us try to leave, Trixie’s magical force field will tell her.” The unicorn agreed.

“I’ve got it!” Rainbow Dash leapt into the air. “Trying to sneak past the force field would be impossible without help, but I know who’s got the goods to get into those woods!”

“It, it must be-”

“Daring Do!” Lilly squealed. Everypony and dragon turned to look at the changeling. She scratched her neck and fidgeted. “… What?”

“That’s actually a good point.” I conceded. “Remember, Dash? In ‘Daring Do and the Impossible City’? How she sneaks onto the ship by hiding-”

“-by hiding in a box of diving gear!” The blue pony cried. “Exactly! You know, kid, you’ve got a pretty good memory.”

Lilly pointed a hoof at the spot on the ground where Rainbow Dash had been sitting. There, among the scattered books, was the volume in question.

“Uh, in case y’all haven’t noticed, we’re fresh out of diving gear.” Applejack noted dourly.

“Then who-” Fluttershy was cut off as Dash swooped down and wrapped a foreleg over her shoulder.

“Fluttershy!” The rainbow mare held up her champion for all to see.

“Whaaat!?” On her part, the timid pony crumbled into a ball and fell like a meteorite.

“What do you say, Fluttershy?” Applejack stepped forward. “Can you handle the mission?”

“NO! I’ll crack under the pressure! I’ll snap like a twig!”

“But you’re the smallest and the stealthiest.” I pleaded.

“Like Bilbo Baggins.” Lilly nodded. “But without big hairy feet. Or a sword. Or riddles… She’s got the dragon part down, though.”

“Perfect!” The cyan pegasus’s idea of encouragement apparently involved ignoring her smaller friend’s protests. “Fluttershy’ll sneak out of Ponyville and find Twilight.”

“But… but I…”

“Mmm mgm m-hmm hmm!” Pinkie hummed.

“We’ll do everything to help, Fluttershy.” I agreed.

“Got any gold rings of invisibility she can use?” Lilly Limn glanced up at me.

“Mfufufu… Just wait until we get to ‘The Lord of the Rings’ before you start trying to pawn that little trinket off on people.” I smirked.

Everyone in the room formed a tight huddle and put their forelimbs out. The rebellion against Trixie had officially begun and through our efforts, we would defeat the tyrant and return our friend home. After a moment’s hesitation, Fluttershy joined us.

“Okay.” She whispered.

“All right!” Applejack hollered.

“Great!” I stood up from my kneeling position. “Dash and I will give you some ideas we think might work for that shield.”

“And I know just the design for a dangerous mission outfit!” Rarity exclaimed.

“Miss Rarity, you’re not tired from all your sewing today?” Lilly’s mouth fell open.

“Of course not, dear! Those mundane banners were toil, surely, but this! This is inspiration!” A manic blue gleam lit Rarity’s horn and she instantly began scribbling concepts and sketches on the back of a discarded pamphlet.

I watched the scene with a proud grin on my face. The girls had gone most the day without smiling and it was good to see some hope in their eyes again. (Somehow, even Pinkie Pie was smiling.) But as our crew of conspirators continued their cacophony of collaboration, I spared a moment to address Fluttershy privately,

“Actually, I have a small favor to ask.” My eyes floated over toward Twilight’s laboratory. “When you go to find Twilight, would you mind making a delivery for me?”

Operation “Chicken Run” was a complete success. By late morning, Fluttershy’s beaver friends had located a hollow tree near the edge of the barrier which the little pegasus was able to squeeze herself into. Our furry lumberjacks felled the timber right into the glass itself, causing its green leaves to spark like fireworks upon the enchanted dome. When TGAPT showed up to investigate, there were the rowdy rodents, gibbering angrily at her and beating the magic shield with their armored tails. Of course, Trixie was exasperated about the whole scene, but even in her unstable mental condition, she could see that if she didn’t open the barrier to let the varmints out, it would only be a matter of time before they dropped another tree on her precious shield. And so, she “banished” them into the countryside, dragging their precious debris along with them.

All that was left to do was wait until that evening, when the anti-Trixie movement would once again regroup in the library. Our beloved overmare didn’t make it easy. Despite everypony’s attempt to keep their heads down and avoid attracting attention, a lid could only be kept on a boiling pot for so long.

“What do you have to say for yourselves?” The blue unicorn’s voice cracked as surely as the heavy black whip she was wielding. “Are you trying to make Trixie look like a fool?”

“I- I don’t understand, oh Great and Powerful Trixie. We did everything you asked.” Mr. Carrot Cake balked. He and the rest of his family were huddled on the street, evicted from Sugarcube Corner by a blast of red magic.

“That pastry throne you assembled, MY throne, has turned dry and crumbly already!” Though her temper tantrums were as common as potatoes on an Iowa farm, Trixie’s voice had a dangerous edge to it that caused the rest of the town to stop and stare.

“Um… Yea? They’re day-olds after all?” Mr. Cake looked nervously at his wife. Cup Cake was shivering, fervently trying to calm a wailing Pumpkin without taking her eyes off Trixie. “We can make you another one if you-”

“Yes! Trixie does want a new throne! A better one! Two-no, three times as large! One that will never grow stale!” The magician cracked her whip and the sky split with lightning and thunder. Pumpkin Cake howled in response.

“Shh, sugar, it’s okay. Mommy’s here.” Mrs. Cake bounced the filly on her foreleg.

“What are you all standing around for?” Trixie demanded, catching the circle of spectators off guard. “Does not Trixie deserve a throne worthy of her glory? Is there any doubt that my seat should be capable of reflecting the majesty that is Trixie?” The unicorn reared, once more raining lighting down all around her, her voice mixing with the rolling thunder until the city was flooded with her presence. (And yes, all this fuss was over a chair made of doughnuts.) The town was stunned into silence. Except for Pumpkin.

“Quiet!” Trixie flicked an ear. “You dare ruin Trixie’s moment of splendor? I said quiet!” She stepped threateningly close to the infant.

“Hey, Dash?” I muttered out of the corner of my mouth.

“Yeah, I know…” The pegasus’s feathers rustled.

“I command you to be quiet!” Trixie screamed at the filly, raising her whip. “Silence!”

“Please, don’t-”

The braided black strand came down once, twice, three times. Mrs. Cake curled into a ball, tucking her wailing child beneath her as the whip bit into her back again and again. Trixie snarled, venting venomous clouds of rage and pride. Only after Rainbow Dash and I leapt in front of the unicorn did her assault grind to a halt. One final crack of the whip caught my friend on the side of the neck, threatening to tear her ear off.

“Sss! Ow! Ow, ow ow!” Rainbow Dash instinctively pressed a hoof to her neck, but didn’t find any blood.

“Trixie, stop!” I shouted, holding my arms out like a wall. The tyrant’s response was akin to pouring gas on a camp fire.

“You dare to command the Great and Powerful-”

“Just look at yourself, Trixie!” My voice squeaked. “Look at what you’re doing! You’re trying to beat a filly to death! With a bullwhip! Who does that!?”

“First you scare her, then you yell at her for it? What gives?” Rainbow Dash backed me up. All around the street, ponies were subtly nodding to each other. Trixie, though, didn’t hear reason. She only changed her approach.

“Those who disobey the Great and Powerful Trixie deserve much worse. But, if you insist, your merciful lord has other ways of getting what she wants.” A telekinetic spell thickened the air and a jar of bright red maraschino cherries was summoned from within Sugarcube Corner. Before anyone could stop her, Trixie plucked one of the candied fruits out of its container and stuffed it down Pumpkin’s bawling throat.

The crying instantly stopped. So did the filly’s breathing.

“Pumpkin? Pumpkin! Spit it out, darling!” Carrot Cake turned ashen white as his little girl stared at the world with wide open eyes. The filly’s tiny frame heaved, but couldn’t dislodge the fruit from the back of her throat.

“Haha! Much better.”

My own stomach convulsed as Trixie looked down on the scene and laughed. She laughed! As if she was pulling wings off a fly, she laughed as the filly’s cheeks turned pale blue.

“Help! Somepony! Please!” Carrot Cake turned his hysterical eyes toward the crowd, but they remained rooted in place, out of fear or horror, I couldn’t tell. His voice broke the spell my own body had fallen under and I quickly knelt down next to the two distraught earth ponies.

“Here! Let me take a look.” I gently took the struggling infant.

“I’ll find a doctor!” Rainbow Dash crouched low and prepared to shoot into the sky.

“Hurry!” My voice was shaky, but my hands were steady. “I’ll see what I can do.” Fortunately, that lifeguard class didn’t drag me through first aid for nothing.

With half the town turned to stone around me and TGAPT chuckling behind my back, I gently turned the filly onto her back and pried her mouth open. A bright red sphere sat just behind her tongue, like a cursed pearl, unable to rise but too big to be swallowed. Pumpkin stopped squirming as her eyes lost focus.

“Please let it be that simple…” My prayer slipped from trembling lips as I lowered a pair of fingers into the infant’s throat. The cherry was slick with syrup and mucus, but I was still able to get a hold of its soft flesh and pluck it from its nest. Pumpkin’s reaction was instantaneous. She gasped, filling her lungs with saliva and cherry juice, but breathing once more. I turned the filly back onto her stomach as a violent fit of coughing seized her. She sounded like a dog chewing on a squeaky toy, but at least the color was returning to her face.

“Pumpkin? Oh good gracious! Pumpkin…” Mr. and Mrs. Cake fell on each other’s shoulders, tears in their eyes. A sound like a forest breeze passed over the street as the spectators released their collective breath. Rainbow Dash soon reappeared with a nurse hot on her tail.

“It’s all right.” I assured her. “I think she’s going to be okay.”

“No thanks to a certain somepony!” Rainbow narrowed her eyes at Trixie. The blue unicorn studied her polished hooves with an unconcerned air.

“She stopped crying, didn’t she?”

“You can’t just-” The pegasus made a move to tackle Trixie like a freight train, but a solid arm in front of her chest stopped her.

“Rainbow…” My voice was lower than a limbo bar. “Let it go.”

“Hmph!” The cyan mare blew a cloud of steam from her muzzle. Slowly, she turned her back on the magical antagonist, but not before muttering, “Whatever. You’ll pay for that, Trixie.”

“Oho? And what’s that supposed to mean?” The malicious mare’s voice sunk into our backs like fishhooks. “Does Twilight sparkle’s favorite bird brain want to teach Trixie a lesson?”

“Let it go, Dash.” I tried again, but it was too late.

“Darn right I do!” Rainbow Dash flared her wings as she jabbed a hoof at Trixie. “You can’t just keep doing whatever you want because you think you’re so powerful! Soon enough, you’re going to find someone who can push back and then you’ll be in for it!”

“And who’s going to be this imaginary hero?” The blue magician’s voice was taunting. “You? Please. If you’re going to beat me, perhaps you should start by actually beating one of my storm clouds first.”

“I wasn’t talking about me!” Rainbow Dash snapped.

“Then who?” Trixie stepped forward and the entire town felt the tremor.

“Um…” Before my friend could think twice, veins of frosty magic enveloped her precious wings. With a cry, the pegasus was grounded, both wings fossilized in large blocks of ice, her muzzle an inch from Trixie’s hoof.

“Do go on.” The magician cooed. On her silken cheeks was a grin as cold as the arctic ocean. “Trixie would love to meet a pony worthy of facing her. Is it Twilight? Celestia? Luna? But they aren’t here, are they?”

“Trixie.” I said softly.

“What?” The corrupted pony spun upon me like a cobra.

“You’ve made your point. There is no one who can match you.” I lowered my head as I intoned a careful selection of words. “Please forgive Rainbow Dash. She’s the fastest pony in town, but sometimes her tongue is even faster than the rest of her.”

“Hmph!” My friend huffed into the dusty street.

“Must you stick your pointed nose into everything the Great and Powerful Trixie wants to-” Funny thing about tyrants, they always wind up with a severe case of paranoia. Trixie’s eyes flashed as a string of new thoughts sparked in her mind. “Interesting…”

“Ma’am?”

“Oh, just a thought. It seems the Great and Powerful Trixie has a new admirer.” Her voice dropped. “Or are you my new opponent?”

“I don’t understand.” I wanted to step back from the pair of glowing eyes, but my feet had turned into pudding in their shoes.

“No, I suppose it’s just happenstance that whenever Trixie has to punish naughty ponies, you’re the first to object… Quite vocally, too.” She stamped a hoof, almost crushing Rainbow Dash’s nose. Trixie snarled at her captive. “Is this your champion, bird brain? Twilight’s pet baboon? The walking flesh tree?”

“Hey! Nobody said anything about fighting-”

“Silence, rebel!” Trixie shrieked. Before I knew what was happening, the ground opened up beneath my feet, swallowing everything from my chest down like crocodile jaws. The street snapped shut in an instant, leaving me nothing more than a head and a pair of shoulders planted in the dirt.

“Gnnh!” The wind was crushed from my lungs, but my focus was entirely on Trixie. The unicorn was smiling again with that chilly aurora grace.

“That’s much better.” She whispered. Once more, her magic reached into Sugarcube Corner, this time snaring a pair of oversized candy canes. As she brought them closer, the rigid sticks of sugar melted, twisting and writing until they sprouted eyes and mouths. In my earthy prison, I could only watch as the insane showmare levitated a pair of red and white vipers in front of my face.

“Trixie…”

“What’s the matter?” She winked. “No secret human magic? No hidden talents? Are you really nothing more than a dog that learned to walk on two legs?” The reptiles floated closer. “Then let me teach you a new trick, mutt! You will never speak out against the Great and Powerful Trixie ever again! This is your place now. Beneath me. In the dirt. And if Trixie hears one more word come out of your mouth…” She chuckled. “She’ll sew it shut. Understand?”

I tried to nod, but the snake’s flitting tongues were licking my eyelashes.

“Good boy!” At Trixie’s wink, a pair of candy canes fell to the ground in front of me. The blue unicorn tossed her head and yawned. “Now, the Great and Powerful Trixie wants a hay shake. Snips! Where are you?” I remained in my makeshift prison, playing the role of a radish, doing my best not to let my face burn crimson.

“Breathe in, count to four. Breathe out, count to four. Breathe in…” I chanted, forcing my pounding heart to not jump out of my throat. Around us, ponies had begun to return to the street. Cloud Chaser and Flitter began chipping away at the glacier that bound Rainbow Dash while Big Mac pulled up like a backhoe and began unearthing me.

As the stallion hefted me from my half-grave, my smoldering eyes glanced up to where Trixie was vanishing at the end of the street. She turned back towards her handiwork, almost catching my leer, but in the blink of an eye, my mutinous scowl had vanished. The confrontation happened so fast, I very well might have imagined it, but as she continued on her way, I thought I caught the slightest pause in her step.

After the crowd dissipated and the ponies returned to their full-time job of avoiding Trixie, I took a moment to duck into an alley and just breathe.

“Well…” I huffed. “That was… a little more excitement than I like in my episodes.” My saving grace was that it was over. The trial was over. The day was over. And I could rest in the knowledge that, by that time tomorrow, Trixie’s reign would be over too.

After the sun fell once more into the embrace of the horizon’s stony arms, the quiet streets of Ponyville became barren and still. Only the bravest citizens dared to travel beyond their front doors, and only as flitting shadows beneath the cold and whispering sky.

“A curfew? Really? What’s next? ‘Trixie’s Youth’ and goose-stepping in the streets?” I hissed, peeling back the library’s curtains. A flurry of new regulations from “her highness” had locked down Ponyville tighter than a beartrap with tetanus and with the threat of banishment to the stocks a real possibility, our little rogue operation feel that much more authentic.

“What if they couldn’t make it?” Lilly asked, joining me beside the window as I watched for any sign of Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

“They’ll come.” I grunted. “They have to. The plan won’t work without them.”

After what felt like an eternity, though it was only five minutes, I caught a glimpse of orange hide and blue feathers in the murky night outside. Lilly and I quickly ushered our friends into the dark library and locked the door behind them.

“You made it!” I breathed.

“Did you have trouble?” Lilly chirped.

“Nah, just wanted to double back a couple times. Make sure we weren’t bein’ followed.” Applejack doffed her hat and brushed her windswept mane. “Doesn’t look like anypony’s silly enough to defy ‘the Great and Powerful Trixie’s’ lockdown, you know? Except, 'course, us.”

“I saw Snails.” Rainbow Dash added. “But he looked pretty jumpy.”

“Don’t worry.” My assurances came from a bubbling pool of confidence and excitement. “After tomorrow, no one will ever have to worry about our bozo overlord ever again.”

“Where’re the others?” Applejack squinted in the half-light.

“Right this way.” My hand swept toward the doorway to Twilight’s lab. “There’s something I want to show you. And Owlowiscious, mind keeping an eye out?”

“H-hoo!” Our nocturnal friend winked a large eye and fluttered up to the library’s balcony.

“Something to show us? The way you’re grinnin’, looks like you’ve got this dilemma of ours in the bag.”

“Just about.” My tone was about as confident as possible without physically patting myself on the back. “Ladies! Looks like everyone’s here.”

Beneath us, huddled around my glowing green cauldron was the rest of the gang. Rarity and Pinkie Pie looked up expectantly, their faces haunting in the darkness. Spike kept his eyes on Rarity.

“Quite the, ah, ambiance, Mark.” Rarity inclined her head.

“And it’s not just for aesthetics, either.” I ducked behind a table full of graphs and books. “Ladies and gentlemen, once again, great job on getting Fluttershy out of Ponyville! Now, what say we bring our friends back home?” With a flourish, my fingers snatched up a thick piece of paper. The fragile tag was covered in an arcane circle like the veins of a stained glass window.

“What’s that?” Rainbow Dash hovered warily above the floor. She watched suspiciously as I assembled my project against a blank wall.

“In the episode,” I explained, “Twilight Sparkle receives Fluttershy’s message and, in a burst of inspiration, devises a plan for tricking Trixie into taking off the Alicorn Amulet. However, I realized that she would need a way to collaborate with those of us back in town to make it work. Fluttershy’s stowaway strategy succeeded once, but I didn’t think we should press our luck to use it again. And, unfortunately, Verizon doesn’t cover Equestria yet, so…”

I traced a conduit from the murmuring cauldron across the floor to my piece of paper. There was a sound like rushing water, a gust of wind, and a bright purple circle burst into life. For a moment, it wobbled, like a bubble about to collapse, but soon stabilized. A ring of magic fire, about the size of a garbage can lid, sat up against the wall like a doggie door. A thick cool breeze flowed through the portal, carrying with it the scent of tree branches and alchemist spices.

“… I decided to Skype.”

“Eek!” A timid voice floated through the portal.

“Oh? Hey, look! It’s working!” Twilight Sparkle’s face appeared in the ring of magic. “Hey, girls!”

“Twilight!” Applejack cheered.

“This is awesome!” Rainbow Dash somersaulted in excitement.

“Awesome!” Lilly repeated, using Dash’s voice.

“Well that’s just fabulous!” Rarity stepped toward the spell.

“It’s so good to see you all again!” Twilight craned her head. “Especially you, Spike.” It was all I could do to keep the young dragon from leaping through the portal to hug her. “Fluttershy! Zecora! Look at what Mark did.”

“Is, is it safe?” a yellow pegasus head appeared upside down from Twilight’s.

“When Mark asked me to explain portals a bit more,

I couldn’t have predicted this is what he had in store.

A mighty spell and a talented brew,

it’s remarkable where your lessons have taken you.” A grey striped head joined the other two, this time coming from the nine o’clock position of the portal.

“Aw, thanks Zecora.” My cheeks were burning.

“Actually, this is rather disorienting.” Rarity tilted her head to see each face but to no avail.

“Oh, sorry, that’s my fault. We left the spell on the floor. Here you go.” Twilight snatched up the receiving portal card, giving the rest of us a vague sense of vertigo. She stuck it to one of Zecora’s shelves and the window across miles of space was finally completed. It couldn’t banish a moron core to the moon, but it was more than enough for our needs.

It took some coaxing, some encouragement, and a couple promises, but Fluttershy finally crawled her way through the portal back into Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle came through next and Zecora stayed in the Everfree forest, guarding the receiving spell tag. After the round of hugs and welcome circled the room, the magic student quickly began outlining her plan for outwitting Trixie. The rest of us crowed around her as if she were a television on Thanksgiving Day, taking notes, asking questions, throwing out ideas, anything to make sure our revolution would “viva”.

Twilight’s plan was to appeal to the corruptive nature of the Amulet, drawing out Trixie’s ego the way Cell tricked Vegeta into letting him reach his perfect form. If all went well, the arrogance fogging the showmare’s brain would jump at the opportunity to steal more power for herself. After that, it would only be a matter of reeling her in. Rarity’s most echoed concern, though, was that we only had one change to get this right. No “dress rehearsal”, as it were, so Twilight went over the plan again and again until she was convinced everypony had it memorized. Well, almost everypony. Rainbow kept dozing off on her. Once again, I was glad she could talk to us in person instead of relying on letters.

“Alright, so does everypony know what they need to do to get ready?” Twilight asked for the fifty-seventh time.

“C’mon, Twi, by now I could probably do this in my sleep!” Rainbow Dash snorted.

“Okay…” One-by-one, Twilight scanned our faces, the glow of pride shining through her nervous eyes. “Just promise me you’ll all be careful tomorrow.”

“What’re you talking about? If Mark says this is gonna work, then it’s already worked!” The blue pegasus clapped me on the back. “Trixie can’t do anything to us!”

“Ah, technically she can.” Despite my confidence, it was still healthier to maintain a wary outlook. “We are in her town, after all.”

“But Mark, you told me she’s nothing but a slobbery mangy stupid vulture.” Dash tilted her head.

“Ix-nay on the upid-stay.” I wanted to laugh, but a new voice poured over us like a bucket of ice water,

“Who’re you calling ‘upid-stay’!?”

The nest of conspirators looked up in shock to see her standing above us, eyes burning like a snarling jack-o’-lantern. The Great and Powerful Trixie. Behind her billowing cape cowered the small form of Snails. Owlowiscious looked on apologetically, his plump body stuffed into a stocking.

“T… Trixie?...”

“So, this was your brilliant plan, was it?” Trixie rolled into the room like a thunderstorm. “Breaking curfew? Hosting secret meetings? Smuggling criminals back into Trixie’s town?”

“She’s not a crimin-” Applejack was swatted across the lab.

“Quiet!” The tyrant hollered. She marched past me, her magic prickling against my skin like static electricity. “When Trixie suspected you were plotting insurrection, human, she was looking forward to something a bit more… formidable. Now all she finds is a bunch of would-be heroes playing spies with their disgraced leader? Hmph! It almost wasn’t worth sending somepony to trail you.” I could have throttled Snails right then and there, but he wasn’t to blame. He was a victim too, betrayed by his own fear of Trixie and honestly, I couldn’t blame him. It was all I could do to keep my knees from knocking together. “So tell me, Mark, who is the ‘upid-stay’ one now?”

But I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even move. My tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth and a clammy moisture was slicking the inside of my palms. Everything was wrong. Trixie shouldn’t have been in that room. She wasn’t supposed to find us. She had discovered the plan too soon! The episode was falling apart before my eyes like newspaper in a puddle and my mind couldn’t keep up with the magnitude of the implications.

“Leave him alone, Trixie!” Twilight’s voice came from beside the portal. Zecora, however, quickly reached through the magic window and tried to pull the angry purple pony back.

“What is happening there is beyond our aid.

Come, we must sever this door your friend has made!”

Rarity and Rainbow Dash nodded and reluctantly, Twilight Sparkle backed through the shimmering doorway and tried to sever the connection.

“Oh no you don’t!” Trixie leveled her horn at the portal. To Twilight’s horror, just as the spell tried to implode, the burning red aura caught it and forced it back into a circle. “Oh, dear Twilight Sparkle, running off so soon? What’s the matter? Don’t you miss me?”

The blue unicorn’s chilling laugh filled the laboratory. I’d say it was somewhere above a nine, but I was in no position to measure it objectively. The sound cut clean through me, a physical blow to my stomach. But I had started to move again, my breathing was gaining tempo. The tongues of fear once more coursed through my blood, purging my muscles of paralysis. My eyes floated down to a rack of sleep grenades on a nearby table.

“Because I’ve missed you.” The showmare leaned closer to the ethereal window. “Trixie misses that look on your face. The one where you’ve been defeated and you know it. Yes, that one.”

“I know about the Alicorn Amulet!” Twilight snapped. “I know you cheated.”

“Cheated? Moi?” Trixie feigned innocence. I couldn’t help but admire my purple friend. Even when the sky was falling, she tried to salvage the threads of our plot.

“Yeah, and I thought you might wanna see what a real magical amulet looks like!” Twilight bluffed. “Aren’t you curious?”

“Are you asking for a rematch?” The showmare looked down her muzzle.

“I am!” The purple unicorn stomped a hoof.

“Why? So Trixie can banish you all over again?” The overlord’s midnight eyes narrowed to flaming slits. “But Twilight, why would I go through all that when I can just do it right here? Right now? It’s time for you to go. Again. And this time, you won’t be coming back!”

Trixie reared up on her hind legs, weaving a sphere of fire onto the tip of her horn. With a loud roar, she stomped the ground, hurling the fireball through the portal into Zecora’s hut. There was a flash of light, a wave of heat, and the portal collapsed. For an instant, I could hear Zecora’s startled shouts and Twilight’s scream. Then there was nothing but the flat laboratory wall.

“Twilight!” Spike cried.

“Show’s over, my little ponies!” The blue unicorn stomped on my remaining spell card, shredding it into tiny bits. “Time to clean up this mess!” At once, she turned her destructive magic onto Twilight’s lab, shattering blackboards and ripping apart all the magic circuits she could find.

“You monster!” I cried, my eyes still filled with the sight of Twilight wreathed in fire.

“Monster? Ha! Have you looked into a mirror recently, human? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the monster around here!” She trotted over to the gently simmering cauldron. “Ooh, what’s this do?” My heart splashed into my stomach as her telekinesis enshrouded the great metal pot.

“Don’t touch that!” Suddenly, a red shape the size of a truck flew through the lab, falling upon Trixie like an intercontinental ballistic missile. Big McIntosh landed like a bag of cement, turned upon his massive hooves, and leveled a kick at Trixie’s face powerful enough to punt her to the moon.

“Eek!” The blue unicorn flinched, but the attack was already doomed to fail. Big Mac’s hoof was blocked, frozen, in a cloud of red light, an inch from Trixie’s ear. The overlord recovered quickly, “I’m sorry, was the Great and Powerful Trixie supposed to be impressed? Looks like somepony needs to learn some manners.”

“Leave him alone!” Applejack could only watch as her brother was lifted up and pinned against the nearest wall. A long black whip manifested beside Trixie’s head.

“Oh, relax.” Trixie smirked. “It’s only a flogging.”

The band of black lanced forward, but just before it could bite into the red hide, there was a flash of green flame.

Clink! The weapon beat uselessly upon the golden helmet of a unicorn royal guard.

“Wha-” Trixie almost dropped her prey. “How?”

“Oh no…” My heart fell from my stomach to my intestines.

Trixie redoubled her magic, the cursed red light swelling in intensity, burning and blinding. I think the guard pony was screaming in Lilly’s voice beneath the onslaught, but I couldn’t hear her. When the fires dimmed, there was the little changeling, still pinned to the wall by the blue unicorn. Her eyes were misty, but she hissed and snarled defiantly at the tyrant.

“Well, well.” Even in her madness, Trixie couldn’t hide her disbelief. “It seems this band of troublemakers is just full of surprises. But Trixie can’t have any more monsters running free in her town, so…” A wicked grin split the pony’s muzzle.

“Let her go…” A small voice cracked. I was almost as surprised as anyone else to learn that it was mine. My eyes tried to focus on the blue unicorn, but my vision had begun to melt like a water painting. “Trixie, please. The rebellion was my idea. I planned it. I organized it. So please, don’t punish her for what I did.”

“Oh?” The showmare blinked. “Oh I see. This changeling, this creature, means something to you? It’s special? You care for it, want to protect it? You’d do anything for it?”

I nodded.

“… Perfect.” The unicorn’s sneer returned. “Then you might be able to understand after all, human. You might be able to understand my pain. You tried to take everything from me? I’ll return the favor.”

She turned and started trotting back up the stairs, Lilly Limn clutched firmly in her magic. My heart fell from my intestines to my toes. Something inside me broke, and my chest throbbed painfully, pushing poison into my blood.

“You frigid witch! PUT HER DOWN!” With one motion, I swept up a sleep grenade and flung it at the back of Trixie’s head.

But I might as well have tried to throw a pumpkin bomb at a symbiote-enhanced Peter Parker.

Trixie tilted her head, letting the projectile whiz past her. She then seized it in her magic and sent it careening right back at me. The glass bottle smashed against me, breaking against my chest. I could feel its shards cut my shirt, and then the cloud of tranquilizer erupted in my face. I tried not to breathe, I tried to stumble away, but it was too late. My limbs began to weaken and leaden weights had already started to tug at my eyelids.

As I fell into a kneeling position, struggling against my own weapon, Trixie turned back around and stood over me.

“Like I said, human, Trixie can’t have monsters running free in her town.” As the world went black, I felt a telekinetic pressure seize me.

It was impossible to tell how long I floated in darkness. My mind was lost, adrift, unanchored, tumbling around and around in a cold sea of nothingness. I felt numb, I felt lost, and I felt hopeless. None of these feelings had to do with the sleep grenade.

It was over. It had finally happened. The episode I had tried to guide and orchestrate had finally thrown off my authority and was running amok. Trixie was now free, unstoppable, a villain that would continue growing more powerful and more dangerous all because my plan to stop her had failed.

But that kind of thinking was a fallacy, wasn’t it?

My eyes peeled open and I found myself laying in what felt like a large steel drum. It was cold and the walls echoed with the whispers of my breath. The roof had a slight conical peak to it, but there was no door, only a dripping pipe from which a small puddle was fed. The inside of the Ponyville water tower. I curled up against the wall to stave off the chilly air, but I couldn’t overcome the frost inside my bones.

My whole mindset had been a fallacy. A delusion of the highest caliber. In fact, one could argue that this day was inevitable.

How long had I thought of these events as my “episodes”? How long had I seen the world as a stage and the men and women merely players? How long had I cast myself as the maestro of their lives? With one little deviation, one little change, Trixie had suddenly and violently thrown her own future, no, the future of Equestria itself, off the rails and all I could do was marvel at the train wreck. I couldn’t have predicted anything like it, but perhaps that was for the best. How else could I finally see just how stupid I’d become?

As episode after episode had come and gone without a hitch, I’d grown blind with certainty. I’d begun to feel invincible, cocky, not realizing that the “plot armor” I’d dressed myself in was nothing more than make-believe. Even episodes that I had nothing to do with were claimed as personal victories. “Too Many Pinkie Pies”, “May the Best Pet Win”, and even “One Bad Apple”, were all examples of how eager I was to feel important, how much I wanted to believe I was in control. For months, I had wrapped myself in confidence like a blanket, trying to pretend the world was small and comfortable and manageable. Trixie had stripped it all away in a moment.

“And after everything, I can hardly blame her…” My voice fluttered around the metal room. “The last time she came to town, Trixie lost everything. Everything she owned, gone, and instead of helping her, we blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault. As if that wasn’t enough, the minute she got back, all I could think of was how to humiliate her again. So much for spreading that love and tolerance, huh?” I sighed and let my head beat against the metal wall. “Well, like the Good Book says, payback’s a bitch.” (I’m paraphrasin’ ya heathen!)

I don’t know how long I was locked in that chamber, but it hardly mattered. Celestia wouldn’t miss out on a letter because I’d ruined the end of “Magic Duel”, but Trixie wouldn’t get her chance at redemption either. In all likelihood, the sister princesses would swoop down and make things right again, defeat the crazed unicorn, perhaps seal away her amulet somehow, but that still wasn’t a comfort. Honestly, I just felt ashamed at how I’d let my friends down. My only prayer was that no one else would have to pay for my haughtiness.

The maintenance hatch had been melted shut by Trixie’s magic. Isolated and suspended in mid-air, the water tower was more of a tomb than a cell and there was no way to pass the time aside from curling into a tight ball and forcing myself into a fitful sleep. Cold on the inside and out, one can imagine my surprise to wake up with a warm black body curled up beneath my arm. I had to blink a few times to convince myself that the changeling beside me wasn’t a dream.

“Lilly?” I grunted, lifting my head warily.

“Mark!” My little friend pounced on me, locking me in an unbreakable hug. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“What are you doing here?” I hugged her back, soaking in her warmth. “Is this real?”

“Trixie locked me up in a big jar in the town hall.” Lilly sniffed. “She said she was going to put me on display for the whole town to see. Then she left me alone. I was scared so I went to find you.”

“How did you get out?” I wondered.

“Well…” My friend blinked abashedly. “It wasn’t enchanted glass.”

“Of course. Your phasewalk.” I felt a tug of relief and pride at the imagery. “But what about Trixie? Won’t she come looking for you?”

“Um…” My little girl suddenly blushed and looked away. “She… I… Trixie doesn’t know I got out.”

“How did you manage that?” I ran a thumb across Lilly’s cheek, marveling at how clean and smooth she felt. Only then did a far more obvious fact leap out at me. “Lilly? Where’s your hoodie?”

“It…” Lilly looked up at me with eyes of sapphire, her bottom lip trembling. At last, she forced out, “My skin came off!” and she buried her face in my shirt.

“Your?...”

“I didn’t mean to! You told me not to itch and I know it was wrong! But I couldn’t stop it and-and it just felt right, but it was scary and I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! It all came off and it was gooey and I felt cold and I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!”

I looked down at Lilly’s glistening body with renewed interest, my fingers impossibly light as they ran over her silken hide. Her legs were glinting like obsidian and her back was oiled leather. Between her shoulders was a pair of silken wings, no longer the tattered rags I had found her in, but full and glittering in the low light of the prison.

“Oh, sweetie,” I whispered, “I think you molted.”

“Like bread?” She looked up with fright.

“No, not ‘mold’. ‘Molt’. It’s what baby bugs do to grow bigger.” I explained. “That must’ve been really scary.” It would also explain why she’d had an incurable urge to itch for the past few days.

“Yeah…” Lilly agreed. “It was. But I feel better now. And my wings are bigger!”

“They look gorgeous.” I breathed. The changeling hesitated and continued,

“My old body, my skin, it still looked like me, so I put my hoodie on it and Trixie thinks it’s me. Like I’m still sleeping.”

“That’s…” I slowly shook my head. “Lilly, you brilliant, brilliant girl.” Then, with a touch of sadness, I added, “But you can’t stay here.”

“But-”

“It’s not safe! You need to find the girls. They’ll be able to protect you.”

“But what about you? They need you too! You have to come back so we can stop Trixie!”

“Honey…” I deflated, “I’m in no position to do any stopping. I don’t think I ever was. After months of posturing and overconfidence, all I’ve managed to do was make a mess of things. I can’t see how we’re going to make this right.”

“Auntie Twilight says the plan might still work.” Lilly pressed. “That there’s still a chance if we all work together.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, dear, last we saw Twilight, she was inside a burning tree.” Again, I thoroughly blamed myself for not realizing that the only reason Snails would break curfew was if he was spying on behalf of Trixie.

“No, she’s in Rarity’s attic.” Lilly cocked her head.

“She what?”

“Yeah. And Applejack and Rainbow Dash and Sweetie Belle and…” For the next minute, she rattled off the names of half the town and their families. I was somewhere between surprise that Trixie hadn’t arrested them and confusion as to why they were still going through with a plan that had been thoroughly foiled. I didn’t have to wait long to find out, though.

“Oh, and it’s almost time!” Lilly trotted toward one of the metal walls, a bright green flame coming to life on her horn.

“Time for what? And how did Twilight get back into the city? Hey!” I watched as the changeling stepped through the water tower tank like a curtain, reappearing a second later with a small satchel clamped in her mouth. From inside, she quickly revealed a pocket watch and a piece of paper with a sympathy glyph on it. The hands on the clock were one minute from five in the morning.

“Three, two, one…” As soon as the minute hand reached the top of the hour, the sympathy glyph sparked to life, ripping a window in space. Through the resulting hole, I found myself staring face-to-face with a familiar purple unicorn student.

“Good evening, Mark. Or is it morning now?”

“Twilight?” I stared at the mare uncomprehendingly. “How is this-”

“Watch your step!” A purple aura enveloped Lilly and I and we were yanked through the portal, landing unevenly in a circular room filled to the brim with ponies. Some of them were moving mirrors, some were pointing at diagrams and a couple were getting their coats painted and their manes dyed. For an instant, I mistook Apple Bloom for a filly Applejack.

“But how is this possible?” I gawked.

“What do you mean?” Twilight smiled up at me. “You were the one who sent two sympathy glyphs along with Fluttershy.”

“Yeah, in case one didn’t work, but I mean, you were on fire! Zecora’s hut was on fire!” At the mention of her name, my zebra friend appeared at my elbow, wearing the same grin as Twilight.

“Relax, my friend, there’s no cause to shout.

As for the fire, it was swiftly put out.

Though she may have a meticulous personality,

Twilight’s quick on her hooves when she needs to be.”

“As luck would have it,” Twilight shrugged, “Zecora had me levitating water all day yesterday. Her hut is fine, but I was sure Trixie would have destroyed my lab. Instead, it looks like you and Lilly interrupted her. We’ve salvaged quite a lot.” The magic student gestured to a far wall that had been completely buried by a collection of recovered magical instruments including a quantum abyss and an intact alchemy station. Then, in a quieter voice, Twilight added, “When I got back to the Library, I found Lilly looking for you. We used the quantum abyss to pinpoint your location and she went to get you while the rest of us met in Rarity’s boutique.”

“This is crazy...” I sighed, to myself.

“Pardon?” The purple pony flicked an ear.

“Twilight, I don’t know if you realize this, but I can’t help you anymore.” My foot scuffed the floor. “The episode changed. We can’t rely on foresight or plot armor. Everything’s up in the air now. Anything can happen and no one else should be putting themselves in danger because of it.” I couldn’t match Twilight’s eyes as I admitted, “Don’t you think we should just cut our losses and retreat?”

Lilly and Zecora looked at each other, but Twilight kept her purple eyes firmly on me. Just as I was beginning to fidget, she shook her head.

“Welcome to my world.” The student intoned. “Mark, we don’t know the future. And that one time I did, I didn’t. This is scary, sure, but that’s no reason to shy away from it. It’s just life. Every day, things can go right or they can go wrong. Last night things went wrong, but today we’re going to try and change that. I guess the question is, are you still with us?”

My eyes floated over the heads of the ponies in the room, all of them buried in their plans. I saw Cherry Berry pointing at a map of Ponyville with a couple pegasi, I saw Vinyl Scratch pushing a subwoofer across the floor, and I saw Daisy crushing up dry roots with Carrot Cake. Coming straight outta my water tower of despair, the room was practically glowing with courage and determination. These little ponies that still dared to defy Trixie were the real heroes, and watching them patch up the ragged banner of hope was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life.

“Twilight,” My tongue worked slowly, “Did you know that changelings molt? Well, they do, and it turns out that itching is the first sign that it’s about to happen. And here I was, totally convinced that Lilly Limn had just developed an annoying nervous tick. The be honest, I was rather harsh on her. Actually, I was a proper prick about it. Turns out I don’t know everything about changelings. Just like I don’t know everything about Trixie. Or the Amulet. Or myself.

“But if you ponies are still crazy enough to go through with this, then I’ll be honored to donate my own crazy to the cause. It may not be much, but it’s all I have.” Lilly hugged my leg as I smiled weakly at my friend. “How can I help?”

“Well,” Twilight grinned mischievously, “Are you familiar with the story of William Tail?”

“You mean ‘William Tell’? Of course.”

“Great!” She tossed her mane. “How do you feel about wearing an apple on your head?”

The next day dawned as grey as graphite and as cold as iron. The streets were empty beneath the frowning sky and the only movement to be seen was the skittering of leaves on the breeze. From beneath the shadowy eves of an alleyway, the eyes of a half dozen refugees swept over the scene.

“Alright, let’s go.” Doctor Hooves whispered. One after the other, the ponies dashed across the street and cowered between the silent buildings.

“Is the coast clear?” Lyra Heartstrings cast a nervous glance behind her.

“Shh!” Bon Bon put a hoof to her lips.

Just like before, the convoy skirted through the alleys and melted into the shadows, pressing ever closer to the edge of town. After many minutes, they reached a dark house at the end of Main Street. Doctor pulled up a trapdoor leading into the building’s basement and the ponies began to vanish like rabbits down a hole.

“Not so fast!” Lightning split the sky as Trixie manifested at the head of the street. Her black cape flapped like wings as her wrath whipped the air into a tempest. “Well, well, what do we have here?”

“Oh no! Please! Please, oh Great and Powerful-” Doctor Hooves faltered.

“Silence!” Trixie snapped up the earth pony in her magic as the others watched helplessly from the trapdoor. “Were you really trying to hide from the Great and Powerful Trixie? Did you think you could escape her gaze?” As if to illustrate, the blue magician’s eyes flared like pools of lava.

“Please! Mercy!” Her captive squirmed. “We just want to leave. Let us go, please.”

“Leave?” Trixie blinked as if she had been struck. “You don’t get to leave Trixie’s town! You are mine! You work for me! I am your master! FOREVER!”

“We don’t want to serve-”

“Oh, you’ll serve just fine.” In a thread of fire, Trixie’s favorite black whip materialized beside her head. “You’ll serve as a perfect example to the rest of these traitors.” The unicorn’s lips peeled away from her teeth like dry paint. With the eyes of the other refugees frozen upon her, the tyrant lifted her weapon and prepared to paint red striped on the brown pony’s hide.

“TRIXIE LULAMOON!” A billowing voice, the rumble of a wildfire, sounded over the rooftops. “That's enough!”

As the showmare glanced behind her toward the center of town, a lone shadow detached itself from the ceiling of storms and plummeted toward the earth. Its arms were splayed like wings and the tails of a long brown coat fluttered behind its legs. A writhing storm of ravens orbited the figure like mist as it landed heavily upon the dusty street, but even through their ebony feathers, Trixie could see the human’s face and the burning white aura of its eyes therein.

“I said,” my voice shook the street, “Put. Him. Down.”

Trixie lifted a single razor-sharp eyebrow.

“Oh? Has Twilight’s pet human learned a few new tricks?”

“I’m calling you out, Trixie.” I seethed. “You’ve abused this power of yours for long enough. We gave you every chance to sate your lust for revenge and repent but you’re never satisfied. If power is the only thing you understand, then I’m here to reveal your folley.”

“Heh!” The icy blue unicorn tossed back her dark hood derisively. “Are you seriously challenging the Great and Powerful Trixie to a magic duel?”

“No.” The earth rumbled. “I’m here to put down a monster.”

On either side of the street, colorful muzzles began to appear. Curious ponies peeked out from the safety of their doorways and windows, their wide eyes turned on their overlord and the mysterious human that dared to defy her. Applejack stepped out from an alley to my left and tried to catch my attention,

“Mark! What’re you doing?”

“Big words from a creature with no horn!” Trixie scoffed. Her bloody red magic swung Doctor Hooves around like a rag doll until he was directly above her blazing forehead. Ribbons of time magic began to slither up through the air toward the frightened stallion. “You can’t even begin to comprehend the awesome power of the Alicorn Am-”

“Why?” I snapped. “Because it can do time spells? Please! Get some new material, you one-trick pony!”

“One-trick pony!?” Trixie’s pupils narrowed to pinpricks and her nostrils flared with indignation. “Who are you to speak to Trixie like that?”

I thrust my hand into my breast pocket and whipped out a silver flask. With a flick of my thumb, I popped off the cap and took a deep swig of the liquid within. Immediately, my skin shone with white light, my breath became a glowing nebula and my eyes flared like torches. Swiftly, I reached out toward Applejack and the startled mare found herself skidding across the gravel toward my open palm. My fingers closed like a bear trap and immediately there was a dusty eruption and the air thickened with a low rumble. When the haze cleared, an old orange mare stood upon rickety legs while her wrinkled eyes peered out at the world from under her iconic Stetson.

The red veins of light surrounding Doctor Hooves vanished like smoke as the showmare’s jaw dropped open.

“Or were you going to show off the other one?” My palm turned over and the dust erupted once more. With a startled squeal, the old Applejack vanished and a youthful one manifested instead. Trixie’s captive dropped to the street and crawled off to safety.

“Eh, so you can do an age spell. Big deal.” The blue unicorn sniffed.

“You’re right. Going back and forth is so rudimentary.” I clapped my hands together. “Why not mix things up a bit?” With a shout, I tore my arms apart. Even through the resulting burst of sound and dust, I could see Trixie gasp as the pony within my spell was torn into two, an old nag and a young filly. At last, with a grunt, my hands clapped together again and there was Applejack, whole and her proper age, albeit with crossed eyes and a slight wobble to her stance.

“But…” Trixie’s pale eyes were wide. “That’s impossible!”

“Is it?” I took a menacing step forward. “The key is in the name. ‘Alicorn’ Amulet. An echo of power to rival the princesses, a drop of astral magic from beyond the stars themselves! Arcana from the edge of the universe, energy beyond even time and space.”

“Stay back, fool!” Trixie pointed her horn at the dirt beneath my boots and a gaping chasm appeared. My ravens returned, fluttering in tight circles around me. My feet hung in the air, but I did not fall.

“I don’t think you understand,” I took another swig from my flask, my eyes igniting afresh. “You’re the fool here. All you wanted was power, but you didn’t stop to consider where it came from or what it meant. You dismissed my abilities without even knowing what a human was. I am not of this world. To reach Equestria, I had to swim past the celestial shoals and drown in the abysmal sea. Now do you see, Trixie?” A pale flame flickered down my arms and legs. “This power you adopted for yourself, I was baptized in!”

“Shut up! You are nothing compared to Trixie!” The mare shrieked, leveling her horn at a cart of covered fruit and hurling it at me.

I didn’t flinch.

Before the makeshift projectile found its mark, (no pun intended) there was a shuddering wave of sound and then utter stillness. The cart hung in the air, motionless, frozen, its contents strung in space like constellations. I continued walking.

“You’ve let this power blind you, my dear. But my eyes have been opened.” One of my hands reached out and snapped up a floating orange. With a flicking motion, I sent it hurling toward my opponent, but she caught it effortlessly.

“Really? Is this a food fight now?”

“Ribbit!”

“Eeek!” The showpony recoiled as the orb in her grip split open and croaked at her. The fruit fell to the street where it hopped away dejectedly upon a set of green amphibious legs.

“Nothing is as it seems.” I took another swig, feeling my body glow ever brighter with shimmering light.

“You beast!” Trixie screamed, eyes nervously flicking between me and the flask in my hand. “You fool! You monster! You want to play games with Trixie!? So be it!” She reared up, stretching out long bands of telekinetic magic. A squadron of candy canes came hurling over the rooftops, twisting into lethal bands of red and white serpents as they landed between myself and my foe.

The snakes shot forward like quicksilver, their eyes glinting with hunger, fangs dripping for a taste of me.

I snapped my fingers and a cloud of dust enveloped me. Within the span of a breath, my thin form was eclipsed by a giant hulking mass of fur and muscle, blotting out the weak light of the sky. Harry the bear leaned over my shoulder and let loose with a roar that threatened to shake windows from their panes. His teeth dripped with saliva and his claws hung above his head like sabers.

The snakes flinched, turned back on themselves, and retreated. At once, Trixie returned them to their original candy forms.

“It’s not over yet!” The red eyes burned like furnaces and the air in front of her bent in upon itself. There was a bright flash and a pop and I found myself staring down the long grey snout of one of the Everfree Forest’s cragadiles. It hissed and snarled, thrashing its half-ton tail around like a bludgeon, steely claws ripping up the packed dirt road as if it were made of Styrofoam.

“Actually, Trixie.” I snapped my fingers once more. “It is.”

The street grew thick with a misty green vapor. The cragadile’s beady eyes turned towards me with a hungry rage, but within a moment, all of its enthusiasm had vanished. Behind me, hovering in the mist where Harry had been a moment before, hung a pair of leering eyes. Their gaze met the monster’s, paralyzing his once-mighty body and shaking him to the depths of his stony heart. The cragadile quailed, whimpering humbly from the dust. At Trixie’s frustration, it vanished back to the forest from which it came.

“Then you leave me no choice!” There was only a moment before Trixie’s horn burned with plasma and in her fury, the unicorn released a stream of blinding lightning.

I lifted my arms and a stray wagon threw itself in the way of the blast. It ignited in sparks of fire before shattering into debris, but I had already vanished.

“Give it up, Trixie!” My voice called from a nearby rooftop. The sorceress turned her attack upwards, but I simply disappeared again.

Like a shooting gallery, my image manifested and disapparated up and down the street. Sometimes, my shadow would flicker in front of a chimney, or a window, or behind a flower pot, but every time the bright blue fire turned towards me, I would already be gone. Finally, after a rain gutter exploded in a shower of hot metal, it seemed I was vanquished for good. The street was empty save for Trixie’s panting frame. Her wild eyes flickered between the houses with a manic rage.

“I think you missed him.” I whispered into her ear.

“Aaah!” The unicorn sprung into the air like a cat beset by a cucumber, her horn coming to bear on where I stood. In a rapturous burst of heat and light, nothing was left of “me” but a small patch of scorched earth. Of course, that would make a lousy ending to the story.

“I’m sorry, Trixie. From where you're standing, this must look like an eighteen-carat run of bad luck. But the truth is, the game was rigged from the start.” Once more, I stood in the middle of the street, candy canes crunching beneath my boots as I strode toward my opponent. “It’s over.”

“How?” She whimpered. The unicorn’s knees gave out as my feet drew ever closer. “How is this possible? It’s not possible! It can’t be!”

“Sorry.” I sighed, pulling out my flask. “But you wouldn’t understand.”

“What wouldn’t I understand?” Her ravenous eyes never strayed from the silver flask in my fingers.

“How to bring out the magic’s true potential.” Lazily, I sighed to myself and prepared to take another swig from the container.

All of a sudden, a bolt of lightning fell from the murkey clouds, striking a weather vane and nearly turning one of my ravens into fried chicken. My eyes snapped upwards, but in that same moment, Trixie’s horn flared and my flask was ripped from between my fingers.

“Trixie!” I tried to catch the container out of the air but it was too late. The blue unicorn sat in the middle of the street, laughing with glee at the surprise on my face.

“Misdirection. The first rule of being a showpony!” She howled.

“You don’t know what you’re doing!” My once-confident voice was suddenly taut. “You don’t know what’s in there!”

“Oh don’t I?” The red eyes winked. “Even after you were kind enough to explain it to me the way you did? Heh. The true power of the Amulet? Magic in a bottle.”

“It’s not what you think!” I paled, my heart throbbing like a drum. “You can still put an end to this!”

“And Trixie intends to do just that!” The unicorn mare tossed back her head and pressed the flask to her lips. I watched the glowing red amulet rise and fall with each swallow as Trixie drained the whole container at once. When she was done, the supercharged villain locked her scowl upon me, eyes bleeding red tears of magic aura. “Starting with you!”

My lungs drew in a deep breath of air, held it for a second, and then released it all in a breath of relief.

“No, Trixie. You won’t.”

“What do you mean Trixie won’t? Of course she will! With your potion, The Great and Powerful Trixie will destroy all those who stand in her way! Now your magic is as nothing compared to mine!”

“Well, at least you got that right.” A chuckle escaped me. “I mean, after all, humans can't use magic.”

“What?” The red eyes blinked. “Well, of course you can. At least, when you had your precious potion.”

“Liked that, did you?” I crossed my arms and leaned back on one leg. “I thought a little flair was in order, so Twilight helped me mix up a batch of highlighter potion. Usually used by doctors to locate damaged nerves or broken bones, we altered this batch to make water vapor glow. Makes my skin look super saiyan. Eyes are kind of annoying, though, makes everything look like it’s in a fog.” A glowing white cloud erupted from my mouth as I sighed. “And I’m not even going to talk about the Nile and Amazon rivers beneath my arms.”

“Flair?” Trixie frowned. “You were flying! Teleporting! Casting age spells, mutation spells, summoning spells! If you didn’t get those powers from the potion, then what did I just see?”

“A show.” I said simply.

“A…?”

“Hey, Twilight?” My voice echoed back behind me. “What’s my favorite word?”

“Prestidigitation!” The magic student emerged from behind a nearby rain barrel. She smiled at Trixie who gaped at her in return.

“Exactly.” I leaned toward the blue unicorn. “The art of misdirection."

Behind me, the street began to blossom with more and more ponies. Some of them were carrying mirrors, some had bags of smokescreen powder, and others carried curtains of fabric between them. Applejack, Apple Bloom and Granny Smith cautiously approached Trixie while Harry loomed behind them. Above it all, the dim shape of the Twinkling Balloon and an entourage of four pegasi emerged from between the feral clouds.

“There’s no power that could match the Amulet.” I winked. “Fortunately for us, friendship is magic! And we certainly have plenty of that in our little town. Rarity recycled my cold weather coat to make something more ‘befitting a magician’, as she said, and donated a veritable funhouse of mirrors to the cause. Not to mention, this Harry Dresden getup also hid my harness and strings as I was lowered from Cherry Berry’s balloon.

“Pinkie Pie helped Vinyl Scratch hide her subwoofers up and down the street, magnifying my already-amazing voice to Greybeard levels of projection. Zecora is an absolute savant when it comes to smokescreens. Big Mac handled the heavy props while the rest of his family, as you can guess, provided the ‘time’ spell. Even the brave ponies behind you all volunteered to act as bait. Oh, and I can’t forget Fluttershy. She brought in Harry, lent her Stare to the cragadile, and organized the conspiracy.”

“This was all Fluttershy’s idea!?” If Trixie’s jaw fell any further, she’d be licking dirt.

“What? No, I said ‘conspiracy’. A group of ravens is called a ‘conspiracy’.”

“Oh… That makes more sense.” Trixie frowned. “And the orange frog?”

“We’re… really not sure where that one came from.” I glanced back at Twilight who blushed like a rose.

“I see…” Then the tyrant remembered that she was supposed to be the villain. “But wait! Why would you reveal yourselves like this?”

“Oh, that’s because we’re blatantly trying to buy time until the potion kicks in.”

“Potion-?” Trixie’s wide eyes turned toward the forlorn flask. “The highlighter?”

“No, that’s just what I was drinking. You see, it’s actually a gag prop donated by Pinkie Pie.”

“Mmmm!” The mouthless mare waved from beside a chimney.

“I’ve been drinking highlighter out of the secret compartment.” Trixie looked like she wanted to vomit. “What you just drank is a histamine poison that will cause your neck to swell and choke you to death unless you remove the Alicorn Amulet.”

The sound of a hundred vacuums filled the street as the entire town gasped in shock. Trixie paled.

“Mark! You didn’t!” Twilight gulped.

“Nah, I’m just kidding!” The street exhaled in unison. “It’s much worse than that.”

“What have you done to me?” The blue unicorn looked frantically down at her hooves as if expecting them to sprout toadstools at any moment.

“Trixie Lulamoon, what you just guzzled was an extra-strength memory potion.”

“Why?” The young mare didn’t understand at first, but I noticed that her pupils had begun to dilate, a sure sign that the draught was beginning to work its magic.

“To free you.” My fragile whisper was almost snatched away by the breeze. I knelt down to eye level with the frightened unicorn and explained everything. “The Alicorn Amulet corrupts its wearer, but I didn’t know how until you brought it here. After watching you, I recognized that it works like blinders, blotting out your history, your conscience, even your joy until all that you see is hate and anger. It locked away everything that made you who you are and filled the void with poison, ensuring that you’d never remove it because power was all you lived for. But you’re so much more than that, Trixie.”

“I… It’s like I’m really there.” Trixie blinked a couple times, her glassy eyes unfocused. “I can remember all the way back to when I was a filly. Trixie remembers her old house, her pet goldfish… her parents.” The pony coughed a giggle. “She can remember the first time she tried her hoof at magic. Trixie’s mother is right there, in the living room, watching me try to pull a stuffed rabbit from my daddy’s hat.”

“How about your first tour?” I coaxed. “The sound of a cheering crowd?”

“The look in their eyes as they all stare in awe are the Great and Powerful Trixie!” A new smile spread across the mare’s face. No longer frosty or hungry, the expression was warm and quiet, like a hearth on a winter night.

“How about your Cute-ceañera? Or even the day you got your cutiemark?”

“Mm! Mm hmm-hmm mm mmph hm hm!” Pinkie pie waved her arms frantically.

“Good one, Pinie! Remember the taste of peanut butter?”

“How could Trixie forget?” The showmare smiled to herself.

“Do you remember making fillies scream with delight?” The warmth in my voice turned to venom. “It’s a lot different from making them scream in terror, isn’t it?”

Trixie recoiled as the train of memories floating before her eyes suddenly changed to images of tears and pain. I could tell that she was living every moment of her tyranny as if it was still happening. She saw fright, heard wailing, and tasted misery. She saw an entire town cowering for their lives and in each of their eyes she saw her own reflection, standing over them with a burning horn atop her head and a long black whip clutched in her telekinesis.

Trixie slowly turned and gave a sharp squeal as she found the menacing weapon still floating in her magic.

“But that’s not me!” She cried. “It wasn’t me! I wasn’t thinking straight! I didn’t-”

“But a piece of you did.” I continued. “The piece that you gave into.”

“Trixie doesn’t just remember the parts you want her to, human!” The raging pony jabbed a hoof at my chest. “She also remembers being run out of Ponyville! She remembers how you all humiliated her! How you mocked her and took away the one thing she loved doing!”

“I know.” My gaze fell.

“And now you want to do it all over again! You want to trick Trixie into just giving you the Amulet! Without it, she’s nothing! She… I… will have nothing.” Veins of water began to stream from the corners of her eyes and from her nose.

“I’m not trying to trick you.” My head shook slowly. “I realized that was our mistake from the start. In the episode, ‘Magic Duel’, you’re not really redeemed. You’re just tricked, outwitted, stripped of your power, knocked back down all over again. There really isn’t a moment of forgiveness or kindness. It’s just like the first time you came to town, but this time the writers wanted to slap a warm fuzzy ending onto it. No, Trixie, that’s not why we’re doing this. You deserve better. You always did.” As I looked up again, the blue unicorn was startled to find matching rivulets of water on my own cheeks. “I just wanted you to be sane enough to understand when I say I’m really sorry for what happened. Please forgive me.”

Murmurs of assent and undertones of apology rippled down the street. Trixie swallowed hard, the war between the Amulet and the memory potion raging between her heart and her mind.

“Then, what happens? You just expect Trixie to surrender the Alicorn Amulet to you? Guilt her into taking it off so that she’ll leave your town alone?” She snipped.

“Honestly, I don’t care what you do.” I admitted sheepishly. “All I wanted to do was make this your choice. Not mine. Not theirs. Not the writer’s cliché happily-ever-after. Yours.”

“But without the Ammulet.” Trixie hiccuped. “I’m nothing.”

“No.” Twilight Sparkle stepped forward. “You’re nothing with it. The Trixie I know is witty, charismatic and more driven then most of Equestria. Not a puppet to anger. You are so much more than the artifact, Trixie. Won’t you let us help you prove it?”

Long seconds passed as the blue unicorn’s eyes turned toward her rival, the war within her igniting afresh. The whole town had fallen under a spell of silence, frozen like a wax museum as the Alicorn Amulet fought to hold onto its prey.

“You’d… forgive me?” Trixie whimpered. “How can I trust you?”

“Because,” I pulled out a potion bottle from my second breast pocket, “This is that histamine poison I mentioned. This could have gone either way, but I bet the future of Ponyville on the hope that you’re not a monster.”

Trixie held my gaze for a moment longer. Then she lowered her head and yanked off the Amulet.

“Here.” She grimaced, shoving the magical talisman into my hand. “Take it. I don’t care what you do with me… but at least I’ll be Trixie again.”

“Don’t forget ‘Great and Powerful’.” A thoughtful moment passed, as I peered at the Amulet and the nebulous red light within its crystal, and then my finger closed over it. It was all over.

“That took courage, Trixie.” Twilight applauded.

“Is that it?” Applejack crept forward cautiously. “Is it over?”

“Great.” Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs. “Somepony get her a broom and tell her to get started on putting our town back together.”

“Aaauuugh!MouthymouthImissedmymouthsomuchit’ssogoodtohaveyoubackohwe’regoingtohavelotsoffuntogetherthere’ssomuchtocatchuponandsolittletimethat’swhyIcan’twastetimeonspacesorpunctuationorevenbreathingIcan’tcontainmyselfandIdon’tevenwanttotrysomakewayformebecausenowI’mgoingtowhipupthebiggestbrunchEquestria’severseenandeverypony’sinvitedfollowmeeeeeee!”

“Sounds like somepony got her mouth back.” Twilight Sparkle laughed. Above us, there was a distant sweeping sound and the dome around the city vanished. The clouds were once more free to dissipate and within moments, ribbons of pure white sunlight had begun to lance down upon the humble rooftops. Only Trixie’s face continued to carry shadows.

“What happens now?” Her voice shivered.

“First, we’re going to lock this thing away.” I said, stuffing the Alicorn Amulet into my coat. “Afterwards, who knows? Probably some legal stuff with the Mayor and the princess, but you don’t have to worry about them. You might still have to replace some of the property you damaged, though.”

“But how?” Trixie scuffed the dirt. “I have no money. No job. Nowhere I can go. Besides prison, I guess…”

“Let’s call that ‘plan B’ for now.” I chuckled. “I don’t know about the others, but I’m not in any position to condemn you. In fact, we’re going to do what we should have done the night an ursa stepped on your cart.”

“What’s what?”

“Help you get back on your hooves, of course!” My hand started massaging my chin thoughtfully. “I’d offer a place to stay, but it’s not really mine to give, seeing as how I’m still bunked up at the Library. Not the mention it’s getting a little crowded. If three’s a crowd, then what’s four?”

“Hi! I’m four.” A human in a long brown coat spoke up from behind Trixie.

“Wha!?”

“Oh, yeah, and you’ve already met Lilly.” I muttered. “Excellent job, by the way, honey. You did an excellent ‘me’.”

“Aw, thanks.” My doppelganger began massaging its chin as well. “You made for excellent bait.”

“So, yeah…” I continued, “Anyway, there are a couple other houses in town you might be able to rent for cheap. For example, I’ve had my eye on a cozy little two-story just across the street from us. Haven’t seen a ‘for sale’ sign, but it’s been abandoned for months. Maybe you could make a deal with the owner?”

“Ah, well… hmm…” Rarity started to object, but quickly bit her lip. “Dear me, this suddenly took a turn for the odd.”

“What do you mean?” I turned to my friend.

“Well…” The white unicorn looked helplessly at Twilight. “Do you want to tell him or should I?”

“Tell me what?”

“See, the thing is…” Twilight scratched an ear humorously. “That place you mentioned? The one with the big front windows? That’s your house.”

“Wha-?” Lilly and I gasped in unison.

“See, it was going to be a birthday present.” Rarity tittered. “Oh, but I guess it was just what you wanted, then wasn’t it?”

“Awww, shoot! Now I’ve got to come up with a new birthday surprise for Mark!” Pinkie Pie poked her head out from an alley way before quickly vanishing again.

“I see…” My eyes were effectively knocked askew by this sudden bombshell, but I found stability in the humble blue unicorn still sitting in the dusty street. Barely able to believe it myself, I offered, “I am suddenly the proud owner of a house. A house, I might add, in need of a tenant. What do you say, Trixie, you help me clean the place up, you can stay there rent-free for the first month?”

“I… You’d let me do that? Um… Trixie doesn’t know what to say.”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ‘thank you, Mark’.” Twilight Sparkle flicked her tail.

“I don’t know what to say either.” I admitted. “Wow! I mean, a house!? That’s- Thank you, girls! Kind of feels like My Big Fat Greek Wedding!”

“We’re moving?” Lilly stammered, collapsing into her original form.

“I know, right?” My feet suddenly felt very light and very bouncy. “And we can set up a lab in the basement and open a little shop in the front room and we’ll have our own kitchen and our own bedrooms and-!”

“I certainly hope you’re not planning on moving in while Trixie’s still living there.” Rarity apprehended.

“Why not? There’s two separate bedrooms and Lilly stays with me. Works perfectly!”

“Yes, well, it’s just that, it’s a rather tight fit for a young lady and gentleman to be sharing…” The white unicorn picked her words carefully. “Just saying, darling, you wouldn’t want to rush into a potentially awkward living arrangement, would you?”

“What? Because she’s a girl?” I clarified.

“Who do you think he’s been living with all this time?” Twilight bristled. We all shared a laugh and the mood on the street lifted like a balloon. Somewhere in the distance, songbirds had begun to sing again.

In the grand scheme of things, the changes to the episode turned out to be much smaller, and yet far more powerful than I could have predicted. Trixie’s rampage had been quelled, but not by me and not even by Twilight Sparkle, but by her own volition. That simple gesture somehow made the horizon feel so much larger than it had three days prior. My lesson in all this had been a hard one, the lens through which I glimpsed the world had been cracked, but as my friends helped me reforge it, they had revealed to me that the stage we walked was far more spacious and far more imposing than I had ever dared to dream. It was as if I had buried myself in a cubicle of star charts only to have someone take me by the hand and show me the night sky. A spectacle at once terrifying and exciting.

With the advent of this new perspective, one would think that my faith in my friends would have become adamant, invincible, a constant cornerstone that I could always cling to if I needed hope, and they’d be right. However, even the strongest metals can become twisted. Three days later, after Celestia and the Saddle Arabians had come and gone, I proved as much.

“You’re not joining us for sundaes?” Spike looked at me in shock.

“Do squids have feathers?” I shot back.

“Is that a 'no', or…?”

“Of course I’m coming!” I laughed. “You and Lilly go on ahead, I’ll catch up.” My hand shoed the dragon and the changeling toward the door like a feather duster.

“Still working on something?” Lilly Limn cocked her head.

“Left the cauldron smoldering.” My thumb jabbed back towards Twilight’s laboratory. “Hasn’t been the same since Trixie nearly spilled it.”

“Alright, then. Don’t take too long!” The changeling flashed a curtain of brilliant green flames and adopted the guise of a young pink earth pony. With wide humble eyes and a deep purple mane my little girl’s latest “ponysona” somehow managed to pay tribute to all of the main six at once while still making it her own. Even her choice to forgo wings and a horn was supposedly a nod to her human friend. As it had every day since she adopted it, my heart melted at the sight.

“I’m right behind you.” I promised.

At last, when I was finally alone, I pushed my way into Twilight’s basement and locked the door behind me. I had already begun the move into my new house and the floor was consequently flooded with boxes of my own work alongside Twilight’s, but at least the lab still had the one piece that mattered. My cauldron pulsed gently from its nest in the middle of the floor.

With a blank face belying a pounding heart, I pulled out a notebook from under my arm and began flipping through its pages. In it were diagrams of the future, hints about episodes, notes written in broken English. As I reached the page titled, “Goku vs Vegeta”, a spell card with a sympathy glyph slid into my hand. After three days, I was unable to restrain myself any longer. I drew a circuit from the cauldron to an enchantment table and activated the glyph.

After Trixie’s redemption, the Alicorn Amulet had immediately been sealed away. I had locked it up myself and handed its prison to Zecora for safe keeping. What I had neglected to tell anyone was why I had a box already ready.

The card sparked to life, pulling open a tiny keyhole in space. Through the swirling ring of light, my eyes could barely make out the inside of a lockbox and the dim glint of a bloody red gemstone.

“Hello, Kyubey.” My whisper fell like dry leaves. “I have a wish for you.”

Friendship is magic. The sum of all of us is greater than our parts. That much I knew. Through the bright days that we cherish and the dark days that we weather, I trusted my friends to and beyond the grave, but I wasn’t delusional. The day would come when they simply couldn’t be there for me. It’s no exaggeration to say that those ponies saved my life.

I was going to return the favor.

Author's Note

Wow.
What I haven’t been able to accomplish in over three hundred thousand words, THIS BEAUTIFUL BASTARD did in less than TWO!
Seriously, though, be sure to give his BombShelter some love. He's hilarious. And don't worry, despite the uncanny similarities between our two stories, reading his isn't going to spoil the ending of this one.... Much...

I should also mention that I’m planning on doing an experiment of sorts for a while. No, I’m not going to stop writing, but I am going to take a short break from this particular story, see if I can’t build up some more motivation by taking time away from it. You know, if that makes sense.

Ch1: Friendship is Magic after all

Equestria’s Mark

By MasterZadok

Chapter 1

It started out much like any other Human in Equestria story, as an ordinary day that just so happened to be

Magic

Suffice to say that my life story is a boring and terrible hook to start a tale with. With that being said, I had just finished another day full of life stuff. Things like my job, school, debts, all of the weary elements that come with living on a little planet called Earth. I’ll freely admit that the end of the day was always my favorite part, the time when I can leave the cares of day-to-day life behind, bury myself in that pillow I’ve had for decades, and bask in a few precious hours of bliss.

However, that night proved to be quite different from my normal routine. I can’t properly remember what happened or how the phenomena began, but I remember falling asleep. And then I was falling. Asleep.

The feeling of weightlessness was my first clue. I had experienced the sensation of ‘falling’ while asleep a couple times, (apparently the doctors say it’s your brain giving your body a jolt because your heart is slowing down too quickly), but as my heart gave that telltale surge and I snapped open my tired eyes, I didn’t see my shadowy bedroom like I expected.

I saw stars.

It felt like I was falling in every direction at once, tumbling, swimming, flying, through a glowing blue abyss. All around me were orbs of light as if someone had frozen an entire herd of paparazzi mid-flash. Some were massive, like suns, while others were as small as a fleck of diamond. And I? I was drifting through the constellations like an astronaut who forgot to fasten his tether.

Beautiful as this sensation was, it only lasted for a moment and I really didn’t remember how long I was there. I remember marveling at how lifelike this expedition was. I also remember reminding myself that I've never tried drugs. Thus, I decided that this was one of my better dreams. A moment of inspiration, if you will. I get that sometimes, I fancy myself a writer and that sometimes means pretending to be bonkers.

In the next instant, however, gravity began to tug on my limbs once again. A massive flare of light, one of the stars, had risen right in front of me and I could feel myself falling toward it. It wasn’t necessarily a pleasant experience, the sheer size of the star felt like a weight that could crush me like a bug. I felt like Marlin and Dory when they were trying to swim away from the whale.

With a thud, I hit the ground.

“Oof!” My first reaction was to cough. I was lying spread eagle on my back as if my partner had just failed a ‘trust fall’. As soon as I got the tickle out of my chest, though, I blinked my eyes into focus and frowned thoughtfully to myself.

I wasn’t dreaming.

A dream, see, is always warm and hazy. Makes sense, because while my mind is wandering, my body is tucked up in bed snug as a bug in a rug. Dreams didn’t have cold air. Dreams never knocked the wind out of me. And certainly, dreams didn’t have icy wet grass for me to soak my backside on.

I sat bolt upright, my groggy brain trying to keep up with what my body was telling it. I was sitting in a little dark clearing, surrounded by the deep purple silhouette of trees. My butt was marinating in a chilly patch of ghost-blue grass and the air felt crisp and fresh, but I had no idea where I was. I wasn’t where I had been a moment ago.

Cautiously, I crept to my feet, my eyes piercing into the shadows around me as best they could. I wasn’t in my home. I wasn’t even near my home. The forests around Central Oregon are dry and prickly with an occasional swampy river. Pine trees and sage brush, but not many deciduous trees. This place looked like a Salvador Dali painting with how the tree branches drooped under burdens of slimy vines. Well,

“Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Oregon anymore...” I muttered grimly. The surrounding forest seemed to swallow my words like a tasty morsel. There was no reply.

By now, I could say that my brain was waking up. Instead of coming up with that ‘Oz’ cliché, it was busy working on how I got here. I looked behind me at the soft grass I had fallen on. Perhaps that would be a good place to start.

Nothing.

On the slim, but not impossible, chance that I had wandered into the woods around my house and found this bizarre patch of forest, I would have left footprints in the tender vegetation around me. No such luck. There was an imprint of me lying crucifix-style in the grass, but no footprints leading to or from said imprint. It looked as if I had fallen from the sky. Speaking of sky,

I rubbed my dry eyes and peered through the tree branches above me. It was night. Kind of. The great canopy above me was littered with little points of gleaming light, but I had never seen a night sky so… purple… before. The constellations were all alien, but I chalked that up to the fact that I couldn’t see very much of the sky to begin with. The pale face of the moon shone like an ivory sun, but it was swollen beyond its usual, healthy size. Perhaps the man in the moon heard about the Twinky comeback, but something still seemed wrong to me. I tiptoed my bare feet through the grass to the other side of the clearing for a better look.

I don’t know if my heart froze in surprise or if my blood actually turned to ice, but every part of my body went stone-still when I looked at the glowing silver orb above.

The dark scar of the Mare in the Moon glared back at me.

Animation returned slowly, starting with my mind. Thoughts bubbled up in my head like a kettle set to boil,

“That looks like-”

“Yes, it does.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“Nothing’s impossible…”

“Oh, you’ve just been watching too much si-fi!”

“Have not!”

“Have too! You don’t seriously believe you could be in-”

“But why not?”

“Because- Well, you were just in Oregon!”

“The moment you say something is impossible, you set yourself up to be proven wrong.”

“Who said that?”

“Me.”

“And what kind of authority are you!?”

“I’m you.”

“Me?”

“Me.”

While this useless conversation was bouncing back and forth between my ears, my body was frozen, still staring at the moon. Any bystander would have thought that I had entered a staring contest with Medusa. Fortunately, a third voice, strong, soft-spoken, entered the conversation. I liked this voice,

“You remember how you always promised yourself that you would never be the person in the movie who says, ‘that’s impossible’ just before the ‘impossible’ thing kills him?”

“Yes…” The louder voices in my head quieted down to listen. (Bear with me, I promise that I don’t talk to myself through this whole story.)

“Well, how I got here is irrelevant. Even if I’m not here and this is a dream, that is irrelevant too. What matters is what I do now that I am here.” Finally, I can say that my brain was firing on all cylinders. I wasn’t going to freak out; I wasn’t going to let my screaming brony side out. I was simply not home anymore. Now what?

A good place to start would be where I was.

“If this really is Equestria…” I breathed softly, “then this place bears an unfortunate resemblance to the Everfree Forest.” My eyes darted around even more urgently. As a human from Earth, I was used to wild animals, unruly plants and uncontrollable weather, but those weren’t the only things that made the Everfree an undesirable place to live. This was the realm of timberwolves, cockatrices, Steve Magnet, and (I think) something called a cROCKodile. Ponies avoided this place like the plague.

“Then again, Zecora seems to live pretty comfortably in these parts.” I mused. Not only that, but the Everfree was close to Ponyville. I never saw a canonical map, but I was pretty sure that the forest was just south of the hamlet of colorful ponies.

At this point, the brony inside me shook with excitement. My knees even knocked together. Here I was, given the opportunity that thousands of bronies (and pegasisters, if you distinguish between the two) could only dream of. I could meet the main cast, actually talk to some of the background ponies, and even explore iconic landmarks! I bit my fist to keep from cheering. The My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic series got me though some dark days in the past, and I was happy to consider myself a loyal fan, but I didn’t want to think about that now. I was here, in Equestria.

A sudden thought hit me. I held my hands out in front of me and frowned at them. Fingers. Not hooves and fetlocks, but fingers and palms. I was still human. Which wasn’t a bad thing, aside from the fact that I was probably the only human in the world. That might get awkward, though. Especially if I couldn’t find out how to get back to Earth.

Another thought hit me like a cold fish, trying to bring my runaway train of thought back on its tracks,

“Not only do you have an idea of where you are, but of when, too.” My eyes turned back up to the moon above me. Plain at the nose on my face, there was no mistaking the shadowy craters marring the moon’s surface like a black cancer. That dark mark clearly meant that I had arrived somewhere between Luna- Nightmare Moon’s banishment and the events of Season 1, Episodes 1 & 2. Which didn’t make sense to me because I had seen the end of Season 4. If Equestria was a real place and if that’s where I was now, why was I in the past?

Or… I could have been dropped into someone’s own retelling of the events of MLP:FIM. A fanfiction. The thought sent a shiver running down my spine like an icy ferret. There were plenty of fanfictions I had seen that I would rather not be trapped in, thank you very much.

Actually, the shiver running down my spine was also due to the fact that I was standing in the middle of a moist forest on a dark night in nothing but my pajamas. (Baggy flannel pants and a white cotton t-shirt that was almost too small for me.) Not exactly the stuff they recommended when I was in boy scouts.

For now, all other thoughts could wait. I had to get out of the forest. Slowly and cautiously, I began my barefoot trek through the woods in the direction I hopped was North.

I tried to focus on the path in front of me, keeping my ears open for any cockatrices and my nose open for any timberwolves, but I couldn’t concentrate for long. A mixture of excitement and dread was bubbling up inside me like soda from a shaken can. First, I was excited, because I had always wished for an adventure like this. I was the kind of kid who had checked every wardrobe, run toward every second star to the right, peered down every rabbit hole and probed every looking glass searching for something beyond the confines of everyday life. But there was dread, too. I was also the kind of person who liked to feel in control and if there was one thing that could rustle my jimmies, it was being abducted from my home via powers I didn’t understand to a place I knew little about for reasons I couldn’t fathom. Not having any shoes didn’t help, either.

Why couldn’t Equestria have a normal day/night cycle? On Earth, there was a definite East and West, dictated by the rising of the sun and moon, but all the memories I had of the MLP show portrayed the sun and moon rising from whatever horizon the directors thought looked artistic. An image of Twilight Sparkle juggling the moon in the Season 4 finale flashed through my mind. I could be walking in any direction for what I knew. In fact, in the dark labyrinth of the Everfree, I could have been wandering in circles.

I got the distinct impression that there were mountains to my right and left, leaving me and the Everfree forest sunk in some kind of valley, but it was only a hunch. I couldn’t properly see anything from my vantage point of alien shrubs and bizarre ferns. It may have been a trick of the light, but at one point, I thought I almost stumbled into a patch of poison joke. That certainly would have put me in a pickle. Figuratively, that is, but perhaps literally too…

At last, frustrated with aimless wandering and desperate to dry my cold toes, I reached up into the low boughs of a giant oak and swept myself up in its branches. If Bilbo Baggins had taught me one thing about cursed forests, it was that getting above the oppressive ceiling of trees should have been my first strategy. It wasn’t long until I could push aside the tender branches and look out over the bushy, whispering carpet that was the Everfree Forest. The view alone helped me forgive myself for not climbing a tree earlier.

It was Equestria, calm and silent under the starry sky. Straight from the computer screen, here was the world that I had always wished to visit and it was everything I dreamed it could be. From my perch, I found myself looking down a rugged valley clear towards the distant horizon. The trees seemed to end abruptly, giving way to a grassy land full of gracefully rolling, velvet hills. The land where Ponyville itself should be nestled. As if that wasn’t enough, I thought I could even catch a glimpse of Canterlot in the far distance, its thorny spires clinging to the side of a great mountain like a rose, letting loose silver waterfalls, like ribbons, into the valley below. Everything was so peaceful and still.

The sound of the breeze gently playing with the surrounding branches reminded me that I wasn’t safe yet. I was still sunk in the middle of the most shiver-inducing realm in all of Equestria in the middle of the night. There was no telling what bizarre creatures could be hunting me. Actually, as I clambered back down my tree to the ground, I found myself thinking that even the Everfree wasn’t as bad as the ponies in the show made it,

“Well, I’m not saying that I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.” I laughed to myself.

A hop, skip, and a jump, and a couple sore feet later, the forest died away completely. In one moment, I was pushing branches out of my face and goose-stepping over thorny bushes like a Nazi, and the next my weary toes alighted on silky fields of grass. I hardly noticed. I hardly noticed the encroaching forest standing behind me like the Great Wall of China; I hardly noticed the fact that I could see more than ten meters ahead of me.

All I noticed was Ponyville.

Once again, my brony side tried to jump for joy, but I wasn’t in the mood. Instead, I simply sank down to the grass and stared at it. A mixture of pride and satisfaction filled my chest, just like the first time I found Diamond Ore in Minecraft.

Under the night sky, the dozens of little huts were clustered like quail, waiting for the dawn. Their windows were twinkling like candlelight and the streets looked like frozen rivers of moonlight. It was the kind of scene that I wanted to capture in a snow globe, but I didn’t have to. I was there, sitting on a hill just above the little town.

“So, what now?” I eventually asked myself. “Go down and knock on the first door you find?” No. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. In all logic, a bipedal creature crawling out of the Everfree Forest in the middle of the night would probably cause more problems than it would solve.

“But you’re cold and sleepy.” A part of me protested. “I’m already done with the novelty of walking through a forest at night. Besides, aren’t the ponies supposed to be the most friendly and hospitable creatures in the whole wide world of fiction?” Perhaps, but I still didn’t want to take advantage of their hospitality or spook anypony.

I decided that I would visit the town in broad daylight. Try to look at least threatening as possible. Sure, I was 99.63% certain that there was no reason for anypony to fear a lone human, but I didn’t want to take any chances. After all, there was an entire wing of the fanfiction library devoted to humans being captured or imprisoned by ponies. I decided to play it safe. Thus, I tucked my knees up into my chest and waited while the moon rose higher and higher above me.

From my perch, I could see that Ponyville was unusually active. Doors opened and released orange light onto the street like flickering fireflies. Dark shapes trotted down the silvery streets and almost every hut was adorned with wispy white, orange, and purple banners. It seemed unusual to me until I realized that all of the dark shapes were making their way to a tall domed structure. A giant gazebo.

I suddenly leapt to my feet. My legs, which had just fallen into a well-deserved sleep, tingled in protest. My eyes, however, were locked onto the large building. If I wasn’t sadly mistaken, I was witnessing Ponyville during the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. And, (my tired mind reasoned), there was only one Summer Sun Celebration that really mattered to the show’s plot. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled with excitement.

I could be witnessing the very night of Nightmare Moon’s return! How cool was that!? Forget the TV! Forget the Oculus Rift! Forget any immersion technology! I was actually here! I could actually watch the events of that fateful night unfold for myself! This could be the best dream I ever had! (Yes, some part of me was still wondering if this was a dream.) Around me, the grass seemed to grow brighter than ever under the full glimmer of the moon.

“It might not be…” I tried to tell myself, my heart beating out a samba in my chest, “but if this is THAT night, then…” My eyes cautiously swept behind me. I looked up at the moon. But nothing looked back at me. The great orb’s surface was pale and smooth.

I could have given myself whiplash with how quickly my attention turned back toward the Gazebo below. Its windows shone with orange light, the soft murmur of hundreds of ponies could barely be heard and all was still. But not for long.

“Well? Should I try to get closer? I would hate to miss anything.” I thought out loud. Still, my reservations held me back. It wasn’t like I could show up with a folding chair and a bucket of popcorn and say, “don’t mind me, I’m just here for the show.” That would just be rude to everypony. Especially those who were about to get scared witless. Not to mention, I would hate to butt into a villain’s grand entrance.

As if on cue, all the windows of the gazebo darkened at once. The air grew chilly and the trees whispered restlessly. A muffled cry of surprise rose from the valley below. One voice rose above all the others, mighty and commanding, yet barely more forced than a whisper,

“Oh… my beloved subjects… It’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious, little sun-loving faces!” The sound seemed to come from everywhere at once. Nightmare Moon was back.

“Squee!” I bit my fingers to contain my excitement, but it didn’t work. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! What could I have possibly done to deserve this?” I consider myself a logical and level-headed person, but I also enjoy letting go of all propriety every once in a while. This qualified as one of those times.

Beneath me, the gazebo looked like an inky snow globe. Black clouds laced with stars swam against the glass like a hurricane. I knew that inside Nightmare Moon was probably reveling in her return and Twilight was probably explaining who the black mare was. If I remembered correctly, however, Nightmare Moon’s return was rather repressed for a villain of her legacy. Aside from a few lightning bolts, nothing really happened.

Suddenly, the entire gazebo erupted like a can of snakes. The roof vanished in a wave of splinters and timbers and a swirling storm of blue clouds rose into the night sky, casting off forked lightning. A second later, I heard the explosion,

“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!” Through the churning aura, I could barely catch a glimpse of a black silhouette of a nightmare rising into the sky. No light reflected off its coat, but its pale blue armor and lantern-like eyes glowed like cold fire. Its sleek wings seemed to churn the entire atmosphere as the figure laughed manically.

“Huh… I don’t remember that. I guess it’s been a while since I’ve seen this episode.” I tilted my head thoughtfully, completely unthreatened by the magic storm cell rising higher and higher into the heavens.

“Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last! From this moment forth, the night will last FOREVER!!” Hearty cackling ensued.

Of course, a small fleet of white pegasi in golden armor rose from the remains of the gazebo. Their princess was missing and her ancient foe of legend was standing in her place, mocking them. I knew it was their duty, but I had to applaud them for their courage. Nightmare Moon looked less like a horse and more like a vortex you could fly the TARDIS through. It was quite spectacular to watch, really.

In a blaze of shimmering lightning, the pegasi were blown back, wings burnt and armor flickering with the nightmare’s fire. With her laughter echoing off every hill and rooftop, Nightmare Moon vanished. Her aura snaked through the sky until it was lost behind the horizon.

“Wooah!” I cheered, clapping my hands. I was trembling with excitement and my grin could have hurt the cheeks of the Cheshire Cat. It was an entirely different experience between watching a TV show and living it. Nightmare Moon’s presence had been overwhelming, almost physically tangible. Even from my perch on the outskirts of Ponyville, I could feel her magic coursing through the air in my very marrow. She had shone like a lighthouse of shadows. (As if that makes sense.)

But I had to bring myself down from my emotional ‘high’ and decide what to do next. Even now, my eyes caught a glimpse of a little cyan pegasus hovering above Ponyville where the nightmare had been only moments before. Beneath it, the streets were filling with the shadowy figures of panicking ponies, some crying, some helping move debris from the gazebo, and others simply running home to lock their doors and hide from their fears. Among them was a tiny purple unicorn running as fast as it could toward a giant house-tree. My heart swelled to see them, but I had to suppress my emotions once again,

“All right, think! Think!” I told myself. “Any moment now, the Mane Six are going to delve into the spooky forest, fight their way to the Castle of the Two Sisters and reclaim the Elements of Harmony! What are you going to do?” The answer seemed obvious; I was going with them. All thoughts of sleep were gone now. I wasn’t going to cross time and space and fiction and reality to miss an opportunity like this. I was going to see the climax of this episode! But I needed a plan.

I had already decided that keeping out of sight would be the best strategy. I was only an observer and could in no way alter or influence the characters in any way. This story had a happy ending, after all, and I didn’t want to muck that up. There was also the off chance that I was a disembodied ghost and that I couldn’t change the story if I wanted to, but the chill breeze on my shoulders reminded me that I was still going on the theory that I was actually here.

With no more ado, I began circling Ponyville until I found a little line-in-the-dirt road that plunged into the heart of the Everfree Forest. Then I hid and waited like my own private paparazzi ambush.

Everything seemed still, but restless. The night sky had taken on a distinctly more blue hue and even the occasional curious insect that crawled by seemed to keep its head down. Everything was feeling the effects of Nightmare Moon’s return. Of course, if I were a megalomaniacal pony villain, I’d want everyone to know I was in charge too. Eventually, my patience was paid off. At first, there was a distant sound, like a spring or Pepe Le Pew, growing louder and louder. Then, six colorful little equines came into view.

In my makeshift hiding place under a fern, I could watch as each character came into view. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and, leading them all, Twilight Sparkle. They were so close; I could have thrown a rock at any of them. Not that I would, of course! They were far too adorable as they cautiously crept forward, eyes wide at the sight of the line of dark trees.

“The Everfree Forest.” Twilight whispered. Above her, craggy boughs reached out like withered hands. The path before her hooves was rough, uneven, almost completely overgrown, and slithering with wispy fog. It was plain to see the uncertainty on each pony’s face. This was the realm of nightmares and monsters. Of course, Pinkie Pie was the one to break the mood,

“Whee! Let’s go!” She cheered. Personally, I always wondered if that super-squeaky voice ever hurt Andrea Libman’s throat.

“Not so fast!” Twilight’s stern voice froze the pink pony mid-stride. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but I’d really rather do this on my own. I don’t know what I’m going to find in there and this evening already has enough injured ponies.”

“No can do, sugar cube!” Applejack’s heavy hooffalls trotted forward as if to enunciate. “We sure ain’t letting any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone.” The earth pony glanced behind her, “We’re sticking to you like sugar on a candy apple!”

“Ooh!” Pinkie Pie unfroze. “Especially if there’s candy apples in here! Applejack, do you think this is where we can find a candy apple tree?” Twilight frowned at the pink pony. “What? Those things are good!” As lightly as a feather, Pinkie Pie trotted into the heart of the forest. After a grimace and a sigh, Twilight Sparkle began walking too.

“What could possibly go wrong?” I thought I heard her whisper.

Soon, the ponies were completely engulfed by the forest.

As for myself, I uncurled my stiff limbs with all the finesse of a transformer robot and crept out of my hiding place. The sounds of hooffalls were barely audible, punctuated by the sound of a spring. So far, everything has seemed pretty cannon. I had no idea how long it would be until their first trial, but I knew that I probably had a long and impossibly exciting night ahead of me. For the first time since landing here, I found myself glad that I was barefoot. In a world of hoof-footed animals, the padded foot man is ninja!

All I had to do was follow the sounds of voices and avoid Rainbow Dash’s watchful eyes and I would be invisible. Completely harmless to the story. To my surprise, however, a non-cannon conversation started up. I strained my ears to listen,

“So… None of you have been in here before?” Twilight asked skeptically.

“Ugh! Heavens, no!” Rarity recoiled. “I mean, just look at it! It’s dreadful.”

“Then why did you come along?” The purple unicorn asked pointedly. Rarity sidestepped a patch of moss and grimaced,

“Beg pardon?”

“I have a duty to the Princess.” Twilight Sparkle explained. “She’s missing and her kingdom is in danger so I have to do all I can to help her restore order. That is, assuming she’s not imprisoned somewhere. But I don’t want anypony else to be in danger, so why are you here? Why did a pony like you come along, Rarity?”

“A pony like me?” The white unicorn echoed, sounding hurt.

“Ooh! Ooh! I know! Pick me!” Pinkie Pie waved a hoof high in the air.

“Everything all right, Twilight?” Applejack asked cautiously. Twilight Sparkle slowly looked around at the ring of faces.

“And I’m not just asking Rarity,” She continued, “this isn’t a walk through the park. This place is dangerous, I can feel it. Nightmare Moon could come out and attack us at any time!”

“Yeah, and it always feels like somepony is watching you…” Rainbow Dash agreed. I instinctively lowered my eyes at that point.

“Then why risk it?” Twilight finished, tilting her head ever so slightly. Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg while the others gazed at the purple unicorn with confusion riddling their face.

“Perhaps it’s because I am a pony like me.” Rarity lifted her chin decidedly.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I’ll admit that I shouldn’t have worn my good shoes, these are going to get all scratched up, but I for one couldn’t stand by while there was something I could do to help everypony feel safe again. It’s simply not in my nature!”

“That’s… quite a self-sacrifice…” Twilight frowned thoughtfully.

“Is there something wrong with that?” Rarity pressed. “Though if you’re worried about your hooves cracking, I can completely relate…”

“Hey! We’re like twinsies!” The pink pony cheered.

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Just like Rarity said, it’s not like I could do nothing. That would be like doing not doing something and the whole universe would turn into a doughnut! With sprinkles!!”

“What does that even-” Twilight tried to ask.

“There were too many frowns!” Pinkie Pie explained. “Queen Meanie didn’t make one pony smile. Not one! And let me tell you, sister, that’s not going to fly while I’m the smile sheriff of Ponyville!” With a flourish, the pink pony donned a Stetson, a gold star and a mustache.

“Give that here!” Applejack snatched her hat back off of Pinkie Pie’s cotton candy head. She tugged it firmly over her mane and faced Twilight Sparkle.

“I mean what I said about ya bein’ our friend, sugar cube. But you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about us. We’re not about to let anything happen to you or us or any other pony if’n I have anything to say about it and that’s a promise. Things are only going to get worse if’n that Nightmare Moon keeps the sun down like a darned nut job. An’ besides all that, everypony knows you can’t grow food at night. What’s that gal think we’re gonna eat with her in charge? Mushrooms?”

“Hmm… Mushroom cupcakes…” Pinkie Pie frowned in thought. I didn’t even want to know what affront to all things good and decent was running through the pink pony’s twisted mind.

“What about me? I’m not going to let Nightmare Moon get away with this either!” Rainbow Dash swooped down, not to be outdone by AJ. “I’m not letting that tyrant threaten us like it’s no big deal! She’s got to learn who she’s dealing with and there’s no way I’m letting my friends go into this forest without the future captain of the Wonderbolts to keep them safe!”

“Oh please, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity waved a hoof, “We all know that you just couldn’t stand to be left behind if Applejack was willing to go.”

“That’s not true!” The blue pegasus fumed. “Remind me who it was who chased Queen Meanie away from the gazebo. We pegasi are faithful to a proud heritage and will never leave our friends in time of need! Right, Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash swept the pink-maned pony up and hovered over the rest of the group. The little yellow pony looked down at the ground.

“Um… Yes… But I’m also here because of all the cute little animals in Ponyville. What will they do without the sun? How will the birds see where they’re going?”

“Ugh! What about us? How are we going to see where we’re going?” The blue pegasus reminded.

“Oh… right…”

With no other objections, Twilight turned and the group continued its march through the forest.

All this time, I had been enjoying this extra dialogue. Of course, I found myself wondering why I didn’t recognize it from the show, but I simply chalked it up to the fact that the cannon episode was edited or abbreviated to fit into its time slot. If I ever made it back to Earth, I would have to try and remember the major points of the dialogue. Perhaps write a fanfiction. However, the main point that I got from this was the fact that every pony had a reason to be in this forest. Each one, though coming from different angles, was willing to put their own lives in danger to keep their friends and family safe. Each and every one of these little mares was a hero deep down.

I shook myself out of my musing just in time to witness Nightmare Moon’s first trial for My Little Heroes. The trees, (well, half the trees), gave way and the air felt more open and free, but that was because a massive gulch suddenly yawned like an abyss to our right.

“Very well, then, we should get organized.” Twilight was saying. “What DO we know about this forest? Anything?”

“It’s in serious need of some trimming.” Rarity sniffed.

“And I haven’t seen any little critters.” Fluttershy whimpered into her hoof.

“Only that it just ain’t natural.” Applejack concluded. “Folks say it don’t work the same as Equestria.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Twilight’s ears flicked behind her to catch what the orange mare was saying.

“Nopony knows…” Rainbow Dash floated out of the shadows of a nearby tree. Her voice was laced with more than a little glee. “Want to know why?” She asked sinisterly.

“Rainbow, quit it!” Applejack scolded. The pegasus ignored her, crawling towards Fluttershy like a panther.

“Hehe! ‘Cause every pony who comes in. Never. Comes. Out!” The pegasus’s delivery was spot-on, perfect for telling stories around a campfire, but her audience didn’t get a chance to appreciate it.

In that moment, a clap, like a gunshot, pierced the still forest air. The entire mountainside that the ponies were standing on shrugged like a living giant and began sliding into the hungry mouth of the canyon. From my vantage point, I could only hear their cries of surprise before their bodies were obscured by dust.

I had to give it to Rainbow Dash, her reflexes were quick. I was even expecting the landslide and the blue pegasus reacted faster than I did,

“Fluttershy! Quick!” She commanded, streaking down into the canyon.

“Ohmygoodness! Ohmygoodness!” The little yellow pegasus followed.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity were gaining speed, but were mostly free from the cloud of dust. They were caught first, swept off the treadmill of death and lowered to safety. Poor Fluttershy flapped her wings as hard as she could, but could barely slow down Rarity’s descent.

The plot element, however, was still happening up hill. From the cover of an overgrown tree, I searched for any sign of AJ and Twi. I saw the unicorn first. Twilight Sparkle was hanging onto a rocky precipice for dear life, half swallowed by the abyss and covered mane to tail in grey dust. Her shivering hooves dug desperately at the cold rocky slope.

I knew how the story ended and even I felt a little scared for Twilight. Fortunately, Applejack was right on cue.

“Hold on! I’m a-commin’!” The once-orange earth pony was as grey as Maud, but her green eyes shone with fear for her friend. She braced herself against the rock and hooked Twilight’s panicking forelegs with her hooves.

“Applejack!” The unicorn’s voice cracked.

“I gotcha! I gotcha! You’re safe now. Just like I promised.” Applejack tried to comfort Twilight. Slowly, the purple unicorn’s hind legs stopped beating at the air.

“All’s well that ends well.” I smiled and let myself have a sigh of relief. However, there’s no way I could have predicted what happened next.

Crack!

My eyes darted back up the hill. Another boulder had just broken (or had been broken) loose and was now falling toward the two precarious ponies. It hit the hillside with the sound of thunder and slid down the slope like a five-ton battering ram.

“That’s not right…” My mouth fell open.

“Applejack!” Twilight’s voice rang through the night air. When she answered, Applejack’s voice was almost too quiet to hear.

“Let go.” She smiled. “I promise you you’ll be safe.”

“I can’t!” The unicorn stammered.

“I’m not lying. We’re both getting out of this safely, but first you have to trust me.” The megalith was gaining speed. For an instant, Twilight closed her eyes, in the next, a fresh wave of dust and stone obscured the scene. There was a scream and the massive boulder tipped into the embrace of the canyon, but I couldn’t see what happened.

Finally, after a two-second eternity, the familiar shapes of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy could be seen. Between them hung the shivering form of Twilight. Nearby, Applejack was cautiously making her own way down into the canyon. If only I could have felt as happy at Rarity and Pinkie Pie in that moment. Instead, all I could say was,

“That’s not right… There wasn’t a second landslide.” I spun around and leered into the surrounding trees as if Nightmare Moon was gleefully taunting me. “What the hell was that?” I asked the trees and fog. There was no reply. I was feeling very rustled and my hands clenched and unclenched themselves, but I forced myself to take deep breaths and calm down. Obviously, this was a more raw and slightly extended version of the TV show I knew and loved. No need to panic. It was merely another way to tell the same story. After all, everything turned out the same way, right?

Right?

Beneath me, Rarity was brushing the last of the dust off of Twilight Sparkle while Pinky Pie and Rainbow Dash reenacted the events of the rescue. It may have been my imagination, but the purple unicorn seemed to stare intently at Applejack, who casually dusted off her hat and planted it back on her head. Her freckled face was smeared with sweat, but her eyes smiled reassuringly at Twilight Sparkle.

“I guess we just need to find the trail again.” Twilight got to her hooves and flicked a rock out of her tail. “Any ideas?”

“And then I was like, whoosh, and loop-the-loop, and,”

“Rainbow! I know how the story goes, I was there! Do you have any idea how we can-”

“Sure!” The cyan pegasus was still bubbling with excitement. “Just follow this canyon down and you’re golden! I think it gets back to the trail. At least, it looked like it from up there.” Rainbow Dash pointed back up the hill. The group nodded to each other and slowly began walking away, down the canyon. I had to get moving, too, if I didn’t want to miss anything.

The second trial was about to begin.

Fighting vertigo, I clambered down the remains of the rocky slope, careful not to dislodge any more rocks or make any other unnecessary noise. It was easier said than done. I never got a nickname as a kid, but ‘Monkey’ would have fit nicely, and I’m not talking about my awkward big-ear phase. I was the kind of kid who climbed on the parts of the jungle gym that you weren’t supposed to climb on and every birthday was religiously celebrated at the local indoor climbing gym. None of those, however, involved free-climbing over the edge of a Grand Canyon wannabe. I found myself ruefully wondering at how AJ, a creature with no fingers, made this look so easy.

By the time my feet reached the grassy floor below, I had reached my workout goal for the day and had earned a couple more pieces of evidence saying that I wasn’t dreaming: blisters. For a fleeting second, I almost wanted this to be a dream. At least then I could fly and turn invisible and magically conjure up a cup of hot chocolate. (With cinnamon.)

A distant roar flooded the canyon like a rising tide. Picking up my feet, I dashed toward the sound, hoping that I wasn’t too late. Fluttershy was about to stare down a manticore, after all.

I skid around a craggy corner and almost ran into Pinkie Pie’s flank. As gracefully as a drunken giraffe, I hastily backstepped and dove into the shadow of a nearby boulder. The manticore’s roar rose again into the night air. It sounded only slightly enraged and incensed. No big deal.

With its jaws awash in saliva and its eyes wild with a burning hatred, it lanced out its paw toward Rarity. The unicorn ducked just as the manticore’s claws split the air above her and she instinctively countered with a crisp kick to the monster’s jaw.

“Take that, you ruffian!” She sneered. A hearty roar almost sent her tumbling backwards, showering her with saliva. Rarity flinched, “My hair! Eep!” The creature attacked again, only to be tackled by Applejack.

“Wait.” Fluttershy whispered. Nopony heard her. Even I didn’t hear her.

“Yee-Haw! Get along, little doggie!” The earth pony planted her hooves firmly around the manticore’s mane and held on for dear life. The lion-bat-scorpion spun like a dog chasing its tail, faster and faster, claws raking at its unwanted passenger. Instead of a roar, however, it gave a pitiful howl.

“Wait.” The yellow pegasus tried again.

“Whoa!” Applejack lost her grip and soared through the air like a trapeze aerialist. Without a moment’s hesitation, Rainbow Dash dove into the fray.

“I’m on it!” She shouted, her rainbow-colored tail blurring through the sky. In an instant, the manticore’s body began to vanish, trapped within the confines of a spinning prison that looked strangely like a ‘rainblow dryer’.

“Wait!” Fluttershy pleaded. She looked so desperate, reaching out to ears that didn’t hear her.

Bringing its mighty tail to bear, the manticore caught Rainbow Dash unawares and dashed her to the ground. The prison vanished and the cyan pegasus bounced across the ground like a rag doll.

“Rainbow!” Twilight gasped.

“Ow…” Rainbow Dash shakily stood to her hooves. With that, Twilight leered up at the monster. Her horn and eyes sparked with righteous anger. The manticore continued writhing, its eyes rolling in random directions, but its jaws called for war. Claws and hooves scuffed the dirt and teeth on both sides were barred. As if on cue, five ponies charged their adversary. (Well, four charged, one bounced.) Their hooves pounded out thunder into the little canyon.

“Wait!” Fluttershy dove in front of the line of charging ponies, her back completely exposed to the manticore. Twilight almost fell forward from her sudden stop.

“Fluttershy? What are you doing!?” She demanded. The yellow pegasus slowly turned around to face the monster.

“Shh… Please don’t shout at him, he’s so scared…” The manticore’s ears twitched at the soft voice. “He’s so scared…”

“And he should be!” Rainbow Dash held up her hooves angrily. But Fluttershy pretended not to listen,

“Shh… It’s okay.” She purred, inching closer to the manticore. It’s sides heaved and its coat glistened with sweat. Any other bystander would have thought that the white foam coming from the monster’s jaws was rage, not fear. As Fluttershy closed the distance between her and the big cat, it snarled and tried to back away threateningly. The little pegasus only nuzzled one of its forelegs.

I couldn’t quite see it during the battle, but the manticore was favoring its left foreleg. There were tangles of thorny vines, like acacia branches, curling around its paw and even reaching up into its mane. The thorns were biting into the sinewy limbs and a couple had even drawn tiny rivers of blood.

“Oh, you poor little baby…” Fluttershy cooed.

“Little?” Rainbow Dash echoed.

“Now, this might hurt for just a second…” The little yellow pegasus took the branches in her mouth and pulled.

A deafening scream split the night and the giant creature pulled away. It suddenly swung around and buried the innocent little pony under its gaping jaws. The scream of the manticore was nothing compared to the scream of the other ponies.

“Fluttershy!!”

“Aww…” A dainty laugh floated through the air. “You’re just a little ol’ baby kitty, aren’t you?” Fluttershy appeared, gently scratching the giant cat’s chin. “Yes you are. Yes you are.” A giant raspy tongue combed the little pegasus’s long mane and the sound of purring, like a jackhammer, vibrated through the ground. Soon, the manticore nuzzled the little pony one last time and limped back into the shadows of the forest. Fluttershy, her mane slicked high like a sail, gestured for the other girls to join her. They cautiously trotted forward.

“How did you know about the thorns?” Twilight asked. Fluttershy tilted her head,

“I didn’t. But he wasn’t being mean; he was only scared and needed a little kindness. I’m just glad I was able to help a big softie like him.” Rainbow Dash grimaced, but didn’t say anything. Twilight stared after Fluttershy for a moment before continuing to trot along the forest path. The canyon walls had surrendered, vomiting the crusaders back into the thick of the forest, but there was still a long ways to go before they would see the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. Also known as Nightmare HQ.

However, while the others were quietly trotting off, I remained as still as a weeping angel. I didn’t dare budge, didn’t make a sound until the thorns that had tormented the manticore dissipated into inky aura. They finally did, burning with clouds of star-flecked smoke until they had completely vanished. Only after the churning wisps vanished over the tree line did I dare to crawl from my brilliant hiding place. If Nightmare Moon knew I was shadowing the little pony’s progress like she was, she wasn’t showing her hand. For now, that was fine with me.

An image of Inspector Jacque Clouseau flashed in my mind as I pursued the Mane Six. Here I was, hopelessly out of my element, yet trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Perhaps I would be better off with a newspaper and a Groucho Marx mask instead of my blazing-white t-shirt and hopelessly pale skin. The combination brought a dry chuckle out of me. My feet, however, had gone completely numb and weren’t in any mood for jokes.

I had already admitted to myself that I hadn’t watched Season 1 of MLP for a while, but it was only now that I started to feel the impact of that. Sure, I knew the major events that had to happen, but like a mountain climber that hadn’t brought enough rope, I had reached the end of what I knew about Episodes 1 & 2. I didn’t know what trial came next.

The cliff and the manticore were easy enough to remember, because you couldn’t have the manticore in a canyon without first getting into the canyon. That only left Steve Magnet, the Giggly Ghosties and the Shadowbolts to sort out. Of course, the Shadowbolts happened on the doorstep of the Castle, so those came last. That only left the light-in-the-loafers sea serpent and the over-the-top Halloween decorations. (Don’t laugh. I actually have a neighbor who does that for Halloween.)

I nodded to myself, fairly convinced that they happened in that order, too. I readied my body for the sound of a churning river any second now. As I walked, the light of the moon seemed to fade and the shadows swelled like a hungry abyss. I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I was sure that any second now, I would walk smack dab into a tree like a ninny.

Suddenly, I stopped. My throat tightened and my eyes went wider than they already were. My heart began racing, forcing hot sweat to anoint my forehead. Something clutched my chest, squeezing the air out of my lungs. Something powerful. Something sinister. Something that I never expected to find in Equestria,

Fear.

The back of my neck went sticky with moisture and I tried to force myself to take deep even breaths, but my lungs only shivered in response. I brought up my hand to my chest, as if I could take away the weight that was pulling me to the ground, but even my fingers trembled and moved like lead. I was afraid, the kind of fear that seizes you when you wake up at night for no reason, the kind of fear that makes you feel alone and you forget that your family or friends are sleeping only one room away.

Terror.

“Alone…” A pitiful whisper escaped my trembling lips. “No… Don’t leave me… here…” My eyes stared into space, but saw nothing. Nothing, but an encroaching darkness, a force, a presence, pushing in on every side of me. It was laughing, shrieking in glee, whispering,

“Alone…”

“… Alone…”

“You have always been alone…

“And you always will be…”

“No!” I tried to pull my head up, tried to keep walking, but my knees gave out and I collapsed to the forest floor. I tried to grit my teeth, but they were chattering.

“… What are you doing?” The voices in my head taunted, whispering like oil in my ear. I couldn’t block them out. They were inside me, a part of me. Fear.

“Did you think we were gone?”

“How can we be gone when we are you, little one…”

“No!” I repeated. “I left you behind! I told you to leave… I’m not listening to you anymore!” My voice choked up and hot tears stung my eyes. My old enemy, the voices that whispered lies to me while I slept, had returned from my teenage nightmares,

Depression.

Guilt.

Failure.

Loneliness.

Loathing.

“Free?” The voiced bared their teeth. I could almost feel them licking my ears. “Why do you run? We only want to tell you the truth…”

“You have no friends!” One hissed, sending a sting of pain into my chest.

“You have no career!” Another taunted.

“You couldn’t even finish a simple college degree and now you’re failed your family!”

“You’ve wasted time!”

“Your life is running out!”

“Who could ever love you?”

“You’re a burden on everyone around you!!”

“You’ve failed everyone! Even-”

“Don’t say it!” I pleaded,

“Yourself!!” The accuser cut me to the core.

I collapsed, a pitiful ball of wasted flesh, desperately clutching my ears to keep my own thoughts out. There was truth to their words, there always was, and that’s what hurt the most.

It’s true, I didn’t make friends easily. What friends I made in grade school moved away when I was young and I never replaced them. High school was lonely, but my family was always with me and then my first classes at community college taught me how to be independent. I could stand on my own, achieve good grades, work with people.

But it was so lonely.

I never had anyone I could call ‘friend’. No shoulder to cry on, except for my family and I rarely gave up my image as the ‘strongest child’ to resort to that. And then, I failed even them. I couldn’t drift through life on community college classes. The sidewalk, the route of well-paved guidelines, was ending and I needed to make big life choices. I needed a dream, but I had none. I didn’t even graduate with a degree.

A man without dreams.

Aside from making Disney’s ‘Tangled’ impossible to watch without crying out of self-pity, having no dream meant that I was vulnerable to depression. I turned against myself. Why couldn’t I be stronger? Why couldn’t I have friends? A life, a hope, a desire? I had failed the last friend I had; the man in the mirror. Myself.

The last time I had heard these voices was on a dark night, alone, crying into my pillow so that no one could hear me. I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let the voices win. I would ignore them, they weren’t helping anything, and I would try to hold my head high and carry on as best I could. If anything, all I had was the forgiveness of myself. I would grow and be someone special to someone special so that no one else had to experience the void and the fear that I had walked through alone.

I won’t lie. Ponies helped remind me that I was important, even to people that I hadn’t met yet. They were a candy-colored nightlight to keep the teeth of depression away. A little girl’s show, the most unlikely of places, and yet because of something as silly and simple as that, I didn’t dread going to sleep at night or getting up every morning.

But now, they were back. My worst fears, the monsters that hid in the corner of my eye, the teeth that snarled at me from behind my eyes. I would never be rid of those fears and the helplessness that coiled around me like clammy tentacles, but I had silenced them years ago. Why were they here? Now?

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t swallow. My limbs were locked in a fetal position as the voices of my own mind gently raped my brain.

At that time, a tiny sound pierced the darkness. A musical ringing, like rain dancing on the surface of a lake.

It was a laugh.

The sound continued and my eyes came back into focus. Even the voices in my head paused to listen. The laugh turned to a giggle, then a guffaw, and then there was a sound like someone rolling their tongue in their mouth.

“Pinkie!? What are you doing? Run!” Somewhere in the distance, Twilight Sparkle called out.

“Oh, girls, don’t you see?

When I was a little filly and the sun was going do-own,”

“Tell me she isn’t.” Twilight murmured.

“The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me fro-own!”

“She is.” Rarity sighed.

From my vantage point in the mud, I couldn’t see anything physical, but I could almost see my fears as if they were still standing above me. Pinkie Pie’s song, however, pulled them away from me like ticks from a wound. I could feel them growing smaller and smaller, melting away like a villain from an Indiana Jones movie.

“Sooooo, giggle at the ghosties!

Guffaw at the grossly!

Crack-up at the creepy!

Whoop-it-up with the weepy!”

I shakily pulled myself onto my arms and knees. The weight that had held onto my heart like a claw was gone. I could stand again.

“Chortle at the kooky!

Snortle at the spooky!

Andtellthatbigdumbscarryfacetotakeahikeandleaveyoualoneandifhethinkshecanscareyou,thenhe’sgotanotherthingcommingandtheveryideaofsuchathingjustmakesyouwanna-Ahhahahahaha-ha-*squeak*

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!”

A chorus of pony giggles flooded the forest, washing away the last of the darkness and bringing light back to the Everfree. Even I began to laugh, a nervous chuckle, more of a sense of relief from my terrors than something genuinely funny. Once again, My Little Ponies had been that one small voice in a storm of depression and self-doubt. A little whisper telling me that everything was going to be OK. I held onto that whisper like a precious gem.

My hand clenched into a fist and I stuffed it in my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. I guess I got the trials mixed up after all. Pinkie Pie did her part beautifully, chasing back the Nightmare and saving all her friends.

And me.

The ponies were still giggling to themselves until a distant rumble finally drowned out their voices. One final line of trees gave way before the group, and they found themselves standing on the banks of a frothy white river. Waves seemed to spring up like piranhas, casting mud and rocks in all directions. Between the waves, glistening purple scales could be glimpsed flashing in the moonlight.

“Enter, Steven Magnet!” I grinned and snapped my fingers. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have made any noise, but it wasn’t like the ponies could hear me, for in the next instant, I couldn’t even hear myself think. There was a tremendous wailing, like the unholy union of a fog horn and an air raid siren. It rose in pitch until the river frothed like mentos and diet coke. The ground pulsed like jell-o and leaves were shaken from the nearby trees. In a spout of water that reached to the stars above, the river’s great serpent unveiled itself, bawling in agony.

Steven, by the way, looked far more awe-inspiring in person than on the show. Here, I was expecting a tacky add-on character, a half-baked excuse for the ponies to go through another trial, but this creature rising high above me could have passed for a Chinese god. Water sheeted off of its glistening hide like veils of silver. His proud mane flared out behind him like the silken orange tail of a meteor and his jaws wailed with the force of a hurricane. It was obvious that this proud creature wasn’t happy, but he didn’t quite look like the distraught serpent I was looking forward to. He looked incensed.

“Excuse me, sir? Why are you crying?” Twilight shouted above the din of the river. Steven Magnet immediately locked his cold, glistening eyes on the little group. Great crocodile tears fell from them by the bucketful.

“You! Ponies! Is it not enough to disgrace me that now you’ve brought an audience!?”

“Disgrace?” Twilight Sparkle echoed. “What happened?”

“Don’t laugh at me!” The serpent bawled. “You were with that other pony just now, weren’t you?”

“Who?” Applejack wondered.

“A pony just like yourselves came to my lovely river and tried to cross with such audacity! And when I tried to make conversation, she used her magic and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off! And now I look simply HORRID!” True to his claim, only half of the hair on the river serpent’s face flowed in the wind. The other half was a ragged stump, like a barber’s brush that had seen better days. Crying in agony, Steven retreated back beneath the waves, sending the water into a boiling frenzy. A wave of mud escaped its banks and threw itself upon the ponies. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were less than impressed,

“Oh, give me a break.” The pegasus moaned.

“That’s what all the fuss is about?” Applejack lifted a critical eyebrow.

“Augh! How can you two be so insensitive?” Rarity stepped forward. “This isn’t just a tragedy, it’s an affront to decent culture!”

“But we don’t have time for decent culture.” Rainbow Dash spat.

“Do any of you see another way across this river?” Twilight spoke up. Nopony could answer that. The churning river might as well have been a minefield; one wrong step would send a pony to the great beyond. Even though she didn’t say anything, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seemed wary of flying over anyway. No one wanted to risk insulting the serpent further.

This probably wasn’t one of my better ideas that night, but I saw a perfectly safe way across the river. Just downstream, an old tree had fallen, forming a rough and flimsy bridge that stretched 90% the way to the other side. To a pony’s eye, I suppose, the dead plant would look like a deathtrap. To a monkey-ninja like myself, however, it was a way to cross without introducing myself to any of the characters. (cough* Steven* cough!) While Rarity tried to sooth the distraught river serpent, I quietly excused myself.

“Such a proud creature, and so well-kept, too.” She smiled. Steven Magnet lifted his head above the water’s surface. “Such luminous scales, each one like royal purple obsidian!”

“Yes…” The serpent sniffed.

“And I love your expertly coiffed mane.”

“Oh, I know, I know.” If lizards could blush, this one would have rivaled Celestia with his glowing cheeks.

“Your fabulous manicure!” Rarity looked at her reflection in Steven’s polished iron claws.

“Gasp! It’s so true!” Steven Magnet flicked his wrist and arched his neck as if he were posing for the cover of ‘Deities Monthly’.

“All taken from you without the balance of your beautiful mustache…” Rarity bawled, nearing the verge of tears.

“It’s true! I’m hideous!” Cue the air raid siren.

“I simply cannot allow it!” The unicorn stamped her hoof. “I cannot allow such a crime against fabulosity to go uncorrected!”

“Rarity?” Twilight cautioned. Without replying, the white unicorn marched toward the serpent, righteous fire burning in her eyes.

“Hold still, my dear!” Her horn blazed with magic. There was a flash, and the serpents’ eyes shut defensively.

“Augh!” It cried as if it had been cut to the heart.

Rarity stood solemn and still on the river’s edge. Behind her, the silken hairs of her once magnificent tail drifted to the ground like ribbons. She caught them in her magic and guided them up to Steven’s astounded face.

“I know it’s not much, but please take it.” The white unicorn smiled. With her magic, the hairs fused to the stubble as if they had grown naturally. Steven Magnet’s eyes were wide with surprise. Slowly, they grew glassy with more tears. Honestly, he never seemed to stop crying.

“You did that?... For me?...” He choked up.

“Oh, Rarity… Your beautiful tail!” The other ponies trotted up to their friend’s side. The white unicorn glanced behind her as if surprised to see her tail gone. She blushed,

“Oh, it’s fine, my dear. Short tails are in this season. Besides… it will grow back…”

“So would the mustache.” Rainbow Dash whispered.

“Oh! My mustache!” The serpent leapt into the sky with a euphoric laugh. “My dear, your tail was the most lovely thing I had ever seen in my life! I couldn’t possibly accept-”

“You look smashing.” Rarity smiled up at her beaming friend.

“Please forgive me!” He bent down and wrung his claws, “I was completely beastly there for a moment. Please, at least allow me to make it up to you!” Steven Magnet stretched his glistening body over the whole length of the river like an alligator-skin bridge. Only it was serpent scales.

“Thank you so much!” One by one, the ponies trotted over the muddy water to the safety of the other side.

“Do visit me any time, my dear!” The serpent waved a claw happily. “And if you happen to see that tacky black pony again, be sure to give her a what-for from me!” With that final farewell, Steven sank back into the water and the river was instantly calm again.

Meanwhile, I had been off doing stupid stunts and getting soggy PJs. I crossed my own bridge without incident, mostly. Even with toes instead of hooves, I almost fell into the churning water of the river. Twice. After the second time, I resorted to scrambling along the slimy log Tarzan-style. Completely undignified and I’m glad no one I knew was watching. Even at the end, after a full 57 seconds of playing ‘don’t touch the water’, I had to jump the last five feet to dry land. Let’s suffice to say that I didn’t make it and found myself sloshing up onto the bank, cold and tired and hungry and wondering if Steven’s bridge would have been a better decision after all.

I quickly pulled my head out of my butt as I caught my first sight of something NOT a tree. It was a blocky pile of grey shapes, like an unfinished Lego project, but at least it wasn’t another blasted section of forest. It was the Castle of the Two Sisters. My heart soared and I dashed forward, eager to get the best seats in the house for the climax and finale! The other ponies would be right on my heels and the bridge would be out for Rainbow’s trial, but I had a plan, albeit a half-baked one.

I knew from other episodes that the Castle was surrounded by a deep gorge, like a dry moat and that there was a narrow path leading to the bottom of it. All I had to do was find my way down and then it would be another simple, harmless, heart-pounding rock climb to the top of the other side and I would be golden! No pegasi or rotting rope bridge for me. Hopefully, I would be able to cross the dry moat without getting sidetracked by the Tree of Harmony down there.

Or seen by Nightmare Moon.

The rope bridge was already out as I finally left the last branches of the Everfree Forest behind me. That made sense, of course. The rope bridge was probably the first thing the Mare of Darkness did after returning from the moon. Apparently, she couldn’t use the Elements of Harmony herself, being a creature of disharmony after all, but she could sure make it darn hard for everypony else to get to them.

As my feet alighted on the floor of the castle’s moat, a troubling thought hit me. Nightmare Moon was powerful, yes? She was cruel, proud, and even wounded Celestia during their first battle, right? Then how was the little ponies’ journey to the castle so easy? Why would Queen Meanie use her power to play these games with the Mane Six when she could probably obliterate them all with a flick of her horn?

“It’s a kid’s show, remember?” I had to remind myself. “Not reality.” That’s what I told myself, but my body had a hard time believing it. My fingers bled callous-juice and my feet bled normal juice by the time I had scaled the other side of the moat. I was covered in bruises and had forgotten what it meant to have warm feet as I walrus-ed myself out of the canyon, but my blood was pumping and I had just hit the peak of an adrenaline high, so nothing was going to stop me now.

A thick fog had rolled in, completely obscuring any view of the opposite cliff. I thought I could hear voices through the fog, probably Rainbow asking Twilight why she was running off so many cliffs, but I couldn’t see anything or enjoy it. I slunk off toward the dark silhouette of the castle, larger and more imposing than ever before, wondering if I was missing anything good.

The major points should still have been in place. Rainbow gets separated from the group, Nightmare Moon in the shape of the Shadowbolt team entices her against her friends by promising her her heart’s desire, and after that, Dash would gratefully turn down the offer. Simple, right? I could trust Rainbow Dash to do the right thing. That’s what loyalty was all about, right?

Right? I mean, the episode with the Mare-do-well wasn’t exactly full of her proudest moments. Rainbow Dash had a tendency to get a big head.

I shrugged and put a hand on the castle’s ancient wooden doors. Everything had worked out so far without my help. So why did I feel a need to oversee everything? Why couldn’t I shake the feeling that some things were different that shouldn’t be?

If Pinocchio had a pet wooden sheep, it might have made a sound similar to the castle’s doors. They creaked worse than a man with arthritis rocking in a cheap chair on the deck of a ship in the middle of a windy forest. But they worked. The hinges protested, but finally let me in to the realm of a bygone age. Time (and an epic battle between Celestia and Nightmare Moon) had done a number on this place. It was a miracle that some walls were left standing.

I had stepped into a massive cathedral that had once been made of polished marble, but had long since rotted away to a dull grey stone. Hungry vines from the forest were busy at work, turning the remaining walls and floor to dust while shattered pillars stood sentry like crippled soldiers. Everything was still in the moonlight, even flecks of dust hung in the air as if time itself had stopped. And there, in the center of the room, stood the dais.

It too had been completely overgrown, but instead of aging like the rest of the building, it seemed to be waiting. Waiting a thousand years for somepony to return and take up the Elements of Harmony again. Five cold stone branches, like arms, held out the five Elements like a guardian surrendering his charge.

It was lovely, but it wasn’t my final destination. I began to pace the floor, glancing out of the remains of the hall’s broken windows. Everything else of consequence that happened in this episode would happen in another room. A throne room, if I remembered correctly. Where Twilight and Nightmare Moon would have their face-off.

“So! Where to begin?” I rubbed my hands together and looked around. The ponies entered this chamber, that much was certain. They collected the stone orbs and left Twilight alone to experiment with them. Then they ran back, drawn by her cry and… And then I had nothing. I remember some confusion, some panic and then somepony sees a light from a nearby tower. A nearby tower… This castle certainly had enough of them.

I walked past a window, paused, and then walked backward.

“That looks right.” I smiled to myself, holding my fingers out like a camera. There, framed in a glass-less window, were the ragged remains of a large tower. I only had a hunch, but if I imagined its windows glowing with a sinister light, it felt just like watching the show. It wasn’t too far off to the right of the Chamber of Elements and there was a stairway leading up to it.

“Congratulations, Sherlock!” I smiled to myself. “With a deer cap and a pistol-packing doctor sidekick, you could apply to the BBC in place of Cumberbatch.”

My game of deductions ended not a moment too soon. I could hear voices approaching. It sounded like Rainbow Dash had done the right thing after all,

“…I would never leave my friends hangin’.” She said proudly. I quickly picked up my feet and clambered out of a window just as the first ponies pushed through the doors into the great hall.

“Whoa… Come on, Twilight, isn’t this what you’ve been waitin’ for?” Applejack cheered.

“The Elements of Harmony…” The purple unicorn breathed, “We’ve found them!”

“Not exactly…” I snickered. The sound of my footfalls padding along the stone steps was little more than a whisper.

As I approached the second tower’s hall, I slowed my pace and cautiously peeked around the corner. It was a throne room all right. Nightmare Moon’s throne room. The walls were polished black and the pillars surrounding the floor looked dark and sullen. At the far end, a chair sat solemnly, like a judge. It was on a slightly raised platform, not unlike Celestia’s throne in Canterlot, but this one had deep purple cushions and an emblem of the moon hanging above it. Fortunately for me, it didn’t look like anypony was home.

Finally, I crept forward and hid in the shadows of one of the pillars. If everything worked out the way I thought it would, then this would probably be my last hiding place for the evening. If nothing worked out the way I thought it would, then God help me. It was the closest I’ve ever been to the story’s dangerous parts. Even still, I wouldn’t have traded this moment for the world. I nestled down in the darkness, pushed a piece of crumbling debris out of my way, and waited.

The seconds ticked by. I could hear whispers in the far distance, and then only silence. Nightmare Moon was biding her time, she seemed to be good at that, waiting for a moment to separate Twilight from her friends. All I could do was tuck my chin into my elbow and hold the floor down.

Finally, Nightmare Moon made her move. There was a strangled cry of surprise from the main hall and the rushing sound of wind. Even from where I sat, I could feel the nightmare’s power settle like a rock in the pit of my stomach. Or it was just butterflies of excitement. The dust on the cold floor rippled like water and the air was filled with the sound of roaring wind.

In a burst of purple haze, Twilight Sparkle appeared twenty feet from my hiding place, coughing, but unharmed. Her eyes widened as they looked at the dark throne. Nightmare Moon stood like an ebony statue, the five stone Element orbs held in space around her. She sneered at the little purple unicorn while her rising laugh filled the throne room. Her mane swirled like an icy tempest, filling the building with lightning and glowing darkly like a ghost flame.

Twilight quickly scrambled to her hooves and narrowed her eyes, steam pouring out of her nostrils. Not even the embodiment of nightmares could dissuade her from her quest to restore peace to Equestria. If anything, it gave the noble little unicorn a target. Her horn flickered to life and she pawed the ground restlessly.

Nightmare Moon stopped laughing and lifted an eyebrow,

“You’re kidding…” She scoffed. “You’re kidding, right?” Like autumn leaves, the Elements of Harmony floated to the ground. The nightmare’s armor glistened like an evening star, but Twilight Sparkle only gritted her teeth in defiance. The little unicorn’s horn lit up like a road flare and she charged at her foe. Rolling her eyes in annoyance, the dark alicorn accepted Twilight’s challenge. Her long black horn didn’t even begin to glow, but the air turned colder as she leveled it and began to run.

The sound of hooves echoed off the stone walls as the battle lines between twilight and darkness closed. There was a burst of pink light and Nightmare Moon was left alone, skidding to a halt with her eyes open wide in surprise. Behind her, Twilight Sparkle manifested at the foot of the throne, almost tumbling over her own hooves. She rubbed her horn and groaned. Around her lay the precious Elements of Harmony, waiting for her.

“Aww yeah! Score one for the heroine!” I was silently flipping out.

“Just one spark.” She pleaded, the air around her awash with magic light. “Come on. Come on!”

Nightmare Moon’s lips twitched with rage, revealing long pointed teeth. She reared up and surrounded herself with the twisting power of night. In an instant, she appeared in front of Twilight and lifted a black wing.

“Augh!” The little unicorn was knocked clear across the room like a tennis ball. The light on her horn was immediately snuffed, but the stone Elements continued to glow with an eerie light. They drifted a centimeter off the ground and tiny sparks of electricity could be seen leaping between them. Nightmare Moon’s pupils constricted in terror.

“No… No!” She stepped back uncertainly. Twilight allowed herself a small smile as the nightmare looked around in fright. In a few moments, however, the glow faded and the Elements returned to the ground. Everything in the throne room was still.

“But…” Twilight protested, “Where’s the sixth element?” As she spoke, Nightmare Moon’s laughter returned, slowly at first, but growing stronger and more wild.

“Ha-ha-ha… Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!” With her muscles rippling through her shoulders, Nightmare Moon lifted her forefeet and brought them crashing down in the ring of stone orbs. A shockwave shook the air, blowing out the ancient windows and kicking me in the chest. With a gentle tinkling, the shards of the elements of Harmony clattered to the floor.

Twilight’s mouth fell open. Her eyes were wide and she had stopped breathing. She was hopeless. Few have known what it truly means to loose hope and in that moment, Nightmare Moon might as well have sent an icicle through Twilight’s heart. It would have been more merciful. At the sight of the ruined Elements on the floor, the little unicorn knew that everything she had fought for, everything her companions had fought for, had been for naught.

They were beaten.

“You. Little. Foal!” A snakelike tongue played behind the pointed teeth. “Thinking you could defeat ME!?” Pleasure bled into Nightmare Moon’s voice as she taunted the deflated little mare in front of her. She sighed, “I’m only disappointed that it came to this…”

Twilight didn’t answer. All strength had left her limbs. Something inside her had died. Perhaps she was thinking of Celestia, perhaps she was wondering what went wrong with the elements. Or perhaps she couldn’t think of anything with her despair blotting out everything else. She simply sat there.

“It was never my intention to harm my beloved subjects.” The nightmare hissed. “It was you who brought all this struggle upon them. I gave you every chance to turn back.” Twilight Sparkle didn’t respond, but Nightmare Moon continued, twisting every sentence into the mare’s heart like a knife,

“You feared the Forest, as you should have. Yet even when the canyon threatened to swallow you, your little band didn’t turn back.

So instead, I chose to give a face to the fear. Perhaps a manticore could warn you away from your pointless quest, but you didn’t listen to me.

I poured pure fear into your hearts, hoping that your own terrors would remind you of your place. You were supposed to respect me and you still shrugged off my guidance!

All I could do after that was make this fight personal. I incensed a guardian against you, a barrier who would never let you pass. Thus far should you have come, and then no further, but you didn’t even respect his power.

Finally, I appealed to your greatest wishes. The little Rainbow Dash has such high ambitions and they were so precious to her. You can imagine my surprise when she gave up all her hopes for something as silly as helping her companions.

But that brings us to where we are now.” Nightmare Moon’s eyes narrowed dangerously at Twilight Sparkle, “And I think I finally understand. Here, I only wanted to be loved by my subjects, to bask in their praise for liberating them from Celestia’s harsh sun, but something always kept me from them. Some poison in their hearts still separates me from their love.” The pointy teeth were bared. “It was you, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Me?” The unicorn whispered. “What did I do?”

I began to grow restless. All this extra dialogue was awesome, but the mood in the room was colder than a wendigo on Pluto drinking a slurpee. Nightmare Moon had finally stopped playing games and I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was thirsty for blood. The air was practically dripping with her malice.

“You,” The nightmare continued, “kept the spirit of rebellion alive. I should have known this was her plan all along! Celestia’s precious little student just so happens to arrive in Ponyville the night of my return? Just so happens to find a book pinpointing the location of the Elements of Harmony? Just so happens to rally my otherwise obedient subjects to rebel against me!? You played your part exactly as Celestia had orchestrated!” A black hoof knocked aside an Element shard, “But that’s all over now, isn’t it?”

“I… failed…” The light went out of Twilight Sparkles eyes. She seemed to have no will left to live. My own heart hurt to see her so defeated. But I couldn’t help her. I wasn’t a part of the story. Any second now, there was going to be a deus ex machina and everything would have a happy ending, right?

Right?

My fingers began to twitch.

“Yes…” Nightmare Moon stood over Twilight. “You and your poisonous princess have lasted this long, but you have failed. Now, there is only one last lesson I can give to my beloved subjects.” The nightmare’s large eyes lit up with dark ambition, “Your death will extinguish the last of Celestia’s light. The last of her devout rebels. There will only be me. There will only be darkness. And nopony will dare to lift her horn against me again!”

“Did she really say ‘death’!?” I thought incredulously. “She can’t do that! This show is rated TV-Y!”

However, my objections didn’t matter. I watched as Nightmare Moon slowly leveled her inky black horn toward Twilight’s neck and lift herself into the air, preparing for the final blow. The little purple unicorn looked up with tears in her eyes.

“NO!” Without thinking, I shed the cover of my hiding place and charged at the Mare of Darkness. In one motion, I swept a brick off the floor and hurled it towards Nightmare Moon with everything I had. The makeshift projectile flew like a dizzy sparrow toward the alicorn’s black head. A pale blue eye locked onto me, but the nightmare barely had to bat an eyelash to stop my attack.

“Hmmph!” She lifted a wing and swatted away the stone as if it were a gnat. Even that simple motion cast off a shockwave that kicked me in the gut and threw me onto my back. She had defended herself and neutralized me with one move. My head hit the ground with a crack.

“What do you think you’re-”

“Raaugh!” I rolled to my feet and tried to attack again. I needed to stop Nightmare Moon. I had to protect Twilight. All I needed were a few seconds. Just a few more seconds until the Mane Six could unleash their deus ex machina.

I didn’t start that evening thinking that I would be willing to die to protect a purple unicorn from a nightmare, but at that moment, it was all I could think of.

“Insect!” Nightmare Moon’s mane swept forward and hit me squarely in the chest like a truckload of gravel. The icy aura lifted me up and slammed me back against one of the stone pillars. My lungs itched as the air was smashed out of them and a trickle of something red and warm was coming out of my mouth. Worse than that, however, I could feel my vision fading. But I could still see Twilight, watching the one-sided fight with wide eyes. At least she didn’t have a death horn hanging over her anymore.

“Twilight? Twilight! Don’t worry, we’ll be there!” Distant voices drifted into the throne room. The sound of hooves grew steadily louder and their shadows moved down the corridor.

A slow smile spread across my face. I lifted a shaky finger and pointed at Twilight Sparkle. Only a single word made it out of my bloody mouth,

“… S-Spark...” I whispered.

“Huh!” Twilight gasped and suddenly, the light of life filled her eyes again. She turned toward the entrance of the throne room and stood up quickly.

“Enough!” The nightmare peeled my limp body off the pillar and cast me away into the far corner of the room. Her mane pulsed with vengeance and she lowered her horn threateningly.

“No…” Twilight Sparkle murmured.

“What?” The Mare of Darkness hesitated. The little purple unicorn turned to face her foe as her friends cautiously came up by her side.

“You think you’ve destroyed the Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you’re wrong! The spirits of the Elements are right here!” A soft whisper, like wind through the trees, rose in volume and the Element shards at Nightmare Moon’s hooves trembled. They began to glow, but not with Twilight’s magic. A rainbow of colors glistened.

“What!?” Uncertainty once again tainted the nightmare’s face.

“Applejack, who told me the truth when she had every reason to lie to save herself from the landslide, represents the spirit of… Honesty!

Fluttershy, whose tender heart calmed the raging manticore, represents the spirit of… Kindness!

Pinkie Pie, whose joy can lighten even the heaviest hearts, represents the spirit of… Laughter!

Rarity, whose giant heart ached for the sorrowful serpent and gave him a meaningful gift, represents the spirit of… Generosity!

And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends even for her own heart’s desire, represents the spirit of… Loyalty!

The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!” Twilight stared at the black alicorn, defiant and courageously.

“But you still lack the sixth element!” Nightmare Moon shouted. Perhaps it was my imagination, or perhaps I was losing consciousness, but it seemed to me as if Queen Meanie was suddenly very aware and very frightened of Twilight Sparkles’ cutie mark. “Your feeble spark didn’t work!”

“But there was a spark. A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I heard their voices.” Twilight turned to face her companions. “I realized in that moment how much I cared about you all, how much you meant to me and how happy I was that you had found me… The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all… are my friends!” At the mare’s words, a star erupted above the ponies, casting harsh rays of white light over the stone floor. Nightmare Moon was forced to cover her eyes from its radiance as it settled over Twilight’s head. The black alicorn hissed in fear and anger.

“You see, Nightmare Moon, when those elements are ignited by the… the spark, that resides within each of us, it creates the sixth element. The element of Magic!”

A fiery light, like the warmth of the sun, blazed brighter than ever between the little ponies. The shards that had once been trampled under Nightmare Moon’s hooves were reforged, glowing with the spirit of each pony. The walls trembled and the throne behind the nightmare tottered as the ponies were lifted off their hooves into the air. The hum of magic pulsed like a song until the full power of the Elements reborn was unleashed. Their fiery colors sped like a rainbow toward Nightmare Moon and her courage completely failed under their onslaught.

“No! Noooo…” Her cries were drowned out by the cleansing might of the Elements of Harmony. A pure white light filled the room and shook me to my bones. When the light faded, I was standing on my feet.

I was the only soul who was.

On the floor, the ponies were strewn like flower petals. They looked rejuvenated and clean. A glimmering golden pendant hung on each pony’s neck, set with a massive crystal. All except for Twilight, of course, because she was ‘special’.

As for me, I worked my limbs and took a couple deep breaths. I was restored too. The blisters were gone from my hands and the cuts on my feet had vanished. I didn’t feel sleepy even though I had lost a good night’s sleep. And I didn’t feel hungry, which was a completely alien sensation to me. Even my clothes were clean and new. I looked around at the ponies with a sense of pride.

They had won. Everything worked out in the end. The first rays of a long-overdue sun were reaching into the windows and the tiny form of little Princess Luna lay huddled at the foot of the ruined throne. But my mind was still restless.

I had interfered. I had taken a perfectly good story and now it was no better than those ‘shameless self-insert’ fanfictions. (Actually, some of those are kind of good.) But what had really happened? What was so different that I felt the need to break the fourth wall?

Rainbow Dash pulled her front half up off the floor and rubbed her head. Instinctively, I ducked out of the throne room just as the other ponies were starting to wake up. Retreating was my only desire, at least until I knew what had just happened.

In a few seconds, Rarity would be admiring her new tail, Applejack would be admitting her admiration for Twilight’s cheesy speech and Princess Celestia herself would arrive to bring the whole episode some closure.

I didn’t feel in the mood to watch any of it.

Nightmare Moon’s laugh still rang in my ears. I could still see her standing above Twilight Sparkle, ready to kill her. There was nothing else to it. I had to save her life to ensure the happy ending. But what did that mean for me? I was a fan of MLP: FIM, but I wasn’t its police. Why had the characters deviated so dramatically from their script? I didn’t know, and I didn’t like not knowing.

I stood at the entrance to the castle with the warm sun washing my face. Behind me, the throne room shone like, well… the sun, and I could hear the tearful reunion of Celestia and her little sister Luna. The horizons of Equestria spread out around me in every direction. I was a human, in a world that I had only seen through the eyes of a TV-Y show. A world of magic, of ponies, of monsters, and of heroes. A world of unspeakable terrors and awe-inspiring marvels.

That’s where I was,

(A tiny part of me noticed that I wasn’t at home in my bed. I guess this wasn’t like the ‘Power Ponies’ episode where I get to go home after the adventure is over.)

And the adventure had just begun. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

“Now what?”

Author's Note

This is a story that I wanted to experiment with, so I threw it together over the weekend. Please forgive the lack of editing, but I wanted to give you readers a taste of this story before I leave for the Air Force this afternoon. Obviously, this story can go on without end, and when I come back, I will greatly appreciate your critiques and comments. Who knows when that will be, though...
Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Until we meet again!
-MasterZadok "Mark"

Ch 9: It Was All Right

Chapter 9
It Was All Right

The sun had just set and the milky sky was giving way to a crystal clear night. The horizon was laced with stoic mountains like dark honor guards, the sky was a deepening ocean hung with stars, and gypsy clouds gleaned the last faint rays of sunlight on their silver wings. And beneath it all, Canterlot glowed like a paper lantern, a harbor of light and life in a world draped in dusk. I filled my lungs with pure mountain air and stepped down from the carriage into the picturesque world of the Grand Galloping Gala.

I stood aside and held the door for the six ladies behind me. Each one wearing a dress almost as beautiful as their smiles. Each one glowing like the grand city before us. When Rarity designed those dresses to reflect the excitement of that moment, the anticipation and the wonder all in one, I don’t think even she could have anticipated how perfect they were. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had come dressed as the fairy tale they had always dreamed of, and yet somehow even more so. Spike used the technical term,

“Whoa! You all look… amazing!”

“You girls look lovely.” I agreed.

“You boys don’t look none too shabby, either.” Applejack winked. Spike blushed and began fiddling with his little suit and tie. Likewise, I puffed out my chest like a sage grouse and tugged on my coat lapels.

When Rarity had learned of my own golden ticket, she practically reenacted Grandpa Joe’s dance number in ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. The fact that I stood upright allowed her to experiment with a lot of ‘unconventional’ and ‘avant garde’ styles that she was dying to practice. Though she had never tried her hoof at human formal attire before, I gave her full rein (no pun intended) over the project. I didn’t have a lot of experience in local fashion, and if ‘Suited for Success’ was any indication, then I decided that Rarity knew what she was doing better than me. I drew the line at feathery hats, however.

The results were interesting, to say the least, and not altogether disagreeable. The enthusiastic unicorn decked me out like Hugh Jackman's 'Jean Valjean', with a high collar, silk scarf and tall boots. The long coat I wore was mostly pecan brown, but sported a purple liner and a dramatic black and gold blaze around the edge. Altogether, I thought I looked very much like the ‘Grandmaster’ class in Fire Emblem: Awakening, but minus the turkey pan mounted on my chest.

“I can’t believe we’re finally here.” Twilight Sparkle breathed. “With all that we’ve imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this the best night ever!”

The pony’s excitement filled the air like music and soon enough, we were all swept up in a magical musical number as we sang and danced up towards the castle gates. I typically didn’t care much for parties, but even I couldn’t resist the excitement of that special night. It was a night to see Canterlot’s finest, a night to eat sweet food and listen to savory music, but most importantly, it was a night where I didn’t have to worry about anything. Every other season premiere and finale from here on out was going to be fraught with dastardly villains, dangerous magic, and/ or broken hearts. But at least for that one night, I could relax.

The musical number ended just as we stepped through the palace’s archway into the Gala itself. Spike came up behind us, bubbling excitedly about his plans for that night and how he was going to give the Ponyville-ites a tour of the castle, but no one was looking or listening to him. Their eyes were filled with the light of the main hall and their ears were filled with the buzzing of Equestria’s version of the Oscars.

The palace looked even more radiant than the last time I had seen it, but with a soft light that seemed to come from the walls themselves. Every window was open, letting in the cool night air and the evening stars outside seemed as much a part of the decorations as the fresh bouquets and rippling silk banners all around us. And everywhere, ponies dressed in their most elegant attire were flowing through the great hall like a field of flowers. After we spent a couple heartbeats trying to take in the entire scene at once, out group split like a pie, each of us plunging after whatever caught out fancy. Poor Spike was left in the entrance and even I might have forgotten he was there if I hadn’t almost stepped on him.

“Hey,” I glanced down, “you all right?”

“Where are they all going?” He asked dejectedly as the five ponies vanished into the crowd. (Not counting Fluttershy, who avoided the crowd like a cat avoiding water.)

“They’re all going off to enjoy themselves.” I explained with my tongue firmly in my cheek. They were in for a surprise.

“But I thought we were all going to hang out together!” He pouted. “There was so much I wanted to show them.”

“Hey, you can’t say they didn’t warn you. You know, girls just wanna have fun.” I smiled reassuringly. “But hey, you can still hang out with me. Parties are a lot less awkward if you look like you came with someone.”

“I guess…” That still didn’t cheer him up. Perhaps Spike didn’t think I’d appreciate the tour as much as Rarity or even Applejack. “So, what do you want to do first?”

I pointed to the apex of the great hall, where Celestia stood at the top of a carpeted stairway. In the back of my mind, I realized that she wasn’t wearing anything special for the occasion, but continued to sport that iconic gold crest on her shoulders.

“Well, what kind of guests would we be if we neglected to greet our hostess? Isn’t that some kind of social rule? Whatever, it sounds like a social rule.”

“Um, Mark? Have you been to a lot of formal events like this before?” Spike asked hesitantly. He glanced around at the ponies passing by. The little dragon was used to being shorter than everyone else, but tonight, there seemed to be more people looking down their noses than normal.

“Nope! Onward, my good bachelor!” And, drawing myself up to my most snobbish height, I waded into the sea of ponies.

The evening had just begun, but already, a line of important-looking equines was accumulating on the stairs. They looked like migrating pilgrims, all marching up a ziggurat to meet the goddess at the top. And yet, somehow, the princess didn’t present herself as any more important than the lords she was greeting. She nodded to each one, smiling warmly and speaking softly to let each one feel welcome in her home.

I, on the other hand, had already begun to feel outclassed and perhaps even a little self-conscious. In Ponyville, I had been accepted as a neighborly citizen, a valued friend, and the ‘guy-who-helped-Rarity-catch-up-with-all-those-birds-nests-during-Winter-Wrap-Up’. But here, among all these foreign delegates and Canterlot lords, I was merely a human. And a commoner, at that. Already, I was gathering curious looks from the crowd the way a ship gathers barnacles. And yet, I couldn’t blame them. They were probably just curious as to who this dashing alien was.

“I say, I don’t believe I’ve made your acquaintance.” A posh pony half-coughed, half-sniffed behind me. Spike and I turned around to see a wrinkly grey stallion with a smoke-blue mane on the stair beneath us.

“Pardon?” I clarified, not sure if he was speaking to myself or Spike.

“I don’t recognize you from the previous Grand Galloping Gala.” The stallion sighed as if bored. “Am I right to assume you are an ambassador of some sort?”

“You could say that.” I held out a friendly hand. “But, yes, this is my first time attending the Gala. Spike’s, too, I think. My name is Mark. Pleased to meet you, um…?”

“Well Read. Sir Well Read.” Without glancing down at my hand, the pony whipped out a small piece of paper and slipped it between my fingers. “I’m the owner of Read Inc. You’ve probably heard of it. You see, I own and produce all the paper and blank documents that go through Canterlot and most of the surrounding districts…”

“I see…” I glanced down at the paper. It was a business card. A nice one, too. Thick as a fingernail and complete with a gold-embossed replica of Well Read’s cutiemark, an open book with splayed pages. “That’s… impressive. Do you do any work with the Book Hive, then?”

“Them?” Well Read snorted derisively. “I don’t think you fully understand, Mark. I practically own the publishers themselves who supply that little newspaper stand. If it has to do with the written word, they have to come through my company first.”

“Uh-huh…” I nodded importantly, for lack of anything better to say.

“And, where did you say you were from, exactly?” The stallion fluffed his nose with a handkerchief, releasing a wave of spicy cologne.

“I’m actually from Oregon. The humble jewel of the Northwest. Caught between the artsy artists, the fanatic sports enthusiasts, the lively lumberjacks and the country cowboys. Just west of weird and all that…” I straightened my scarf. It smelled like apples, but only because of Twilight Sparkle’s makeshift carriage.

“Indeed?” Well Read didn’t sound impressed. “And, what exactly do they export there?”

“Pinecones.” I snickered. “I can’t make this stuff up. You know those scented cinnamon-soaked things the grocery stores sell every fall? Oregon.”

“What a benefit to society.” Well Read yawned. “Should we, then, be expecting to see more of your kind in Canterlot? Our fair city could always use more… pinecones.”

“My kind?” I echoed. My new acquaintance had used an inflection usually reserved for termites and mold. A prick of anger twinged within me as I realized that Well Read wasn’t just making small talk. This pompous pony was surreptitiously sizing me up.

And it wasn’t just the old nag, neither. Glancing over Well Read’s shoulder, I caught a dozen more pairs of eyes looking down their noses at me. (Which was impressive, considering I was at the top of the stairs.) Sure, I was the only human in the room, but what I first took to be curious glances now looked remarkably critical. They saw me as a new, perhaps unwanted, variable in their social landscape. Fresh meat in a sea of business sharks.

However, I was also a representative of the human race. And I would not stand by while this starchy stallion dismissed me and my ‘kind’ as insignificant. Well, Penelope, two could play at this Saturday Night Live skit,

“Oh, I do hope so. My experience in Equestria thus far has been absolutely grand!” I flashed my teeth like a politician in a Colgate commercial. “Everypony here has been so hospitable and welcoming. Why, just recently, the princess herself invited me to a private dinner.”

“The princess?” That caught the stallion’s attention. “You’ve had an audience with the princess?”

“Mark, that was a long time a-Mph!” Spike started to whisper, but for some reason, my coat flapped him in the mouth. Must have been a breeze.

“It was quite understandable, though, considering her interest in human culture. There’s so much our lands can learn from each other, it makes sense that she would entertain an ambassador of such an influential territory.”

“Perhaps pinecones will become the next shock to our stock markets.” If they weren’t so droopy, I could have sworn that Well Read’s eyes were rolling sarcastically.

“My dear Sir Well Read,” extra emphasis on the ‘Sir’, “Was I wrong to assume that the Grand Galloping Gala was a locale for light hearts and jovial conversations? I only ask, because you seem to have completely missed my humor earlier. Do you really believe an entire state of such rugged beauty as Oregon would be so miserly as to only export fancy seed pods? Or, do I have to coax you to stretch your imagination and deduce where said pinecones come from? Mine is a land of timber, Sir Well Read.”

Spike looked up at me with wide eyes. My tone had completely changed and I had adopted a decidedly snooty facade. My family hadn’t dragged me through ‘Downton Abbey’ for nothing.

“Ah… I gathered as much.” Liar. At least he was actually looking me in the eye now. “I can see how that might be a strong market, though, if you’ll notice, precious little in Canterlot is made of wood.”

Besides your beloved paper, that is.

“Which reminds me, I could always use the input of a connoisseur of the finer things, such as yourself.”

“Oh?”

“Not a few nation-famous microbreweries call my land home, taking advantage of the rich landscape and quality ingredients to fashion a fine array of adult beverages. I’ve been keeping my eye out for how I can introduce such delights to your royal circles. After all, with all its formal events, it seems there is always an opening for such finery in a cultured town like Canterlot.” I smiled as the stallion cast a wary glance at the flutes of fine drink being carried through the palace.

“Very wise, Sir Mark, to invest in such things that will always have a demand.” Well Read spoke up with a sniff. “Just as your ‘mature drinks’ will always have a place at parties, so too will paper remain the backbone of this fine government.”

Ok, Dunder Mifflin.

“Ah, how I love this weather.” I gazed out a window with a sigh. “Reminds me of home. Ah! But I almost forgot, my land is far dryer than this.”

“A pity. I prefer this climate for the virility Canterlot is known for.” The stallion smiled easily, apparently referring to himself. Ew!

“Perhaps, but a number of large technology names have chosen to call Oregon home. I suppose, the dry air is far more hospitable to their cybernetics. In fact, Facebook recently installed a data center mere minutes from my home.”

“Cybernetics? Facebook?” The smile wavered.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You wouldn’t have heard of them before. Suffice to say that it’s a highly efficient way of conveying massive amounts of information….” I stepped up the last few steps to stand before Celestia, but I couldn’t resist finishing, “… without paper.”

And, with the dumbstruck face of Well Read behind me, I turned and smiled at the princess and her star student.

“Good evening, your highness. It’s nice to see you again.”

“And you too, Mark.” The princess beamed. “How are you? You look well.”

“Never better and setting a new record tonight.” I straightened out my coat for emphasis.

“I’m so glad. And it’s good to see you too, Spike.”

“Good to see you as well, princess. Everyone’s been looking forward to tonight since your last visit to Ponyville. At least tonight we don’t have to worry about Philomena molting!”

Twilight Sparkle and I gave the little dragon a startled, scolding look. Sure, the whole fiasco with the princess’s pet phoenix left an impression on everyone, but even a baby dragon should know that what he just said was remarkably tactless. Celestia merely chuckled and greeted the next pony in line, Well Read.

“Sir Well Read, how are you this evening?”

“Princess! I was just speaking with Mark about where he’s from, and I-”

“Yes, he’s very fond of sharing stories about Oregon.”Celestia grinned. “You must ask him about autumn in his hometown. His way of describing it makes you feel as if you were really there.” And, with the slightest nod, Well Read was dismissed. He hesitated, stunned, but obediently turned and followed the line of retreating guests.

“She’s good.” I thought to myself.

“Are you boys staying out of trouble?” Celestia chided, picking up where the conversation had been cut.

“I don’t have time for trouble.” I assured her. “Between keeping up with Applejack, dodging diamond dogs and quelling territorial disputes with the bison tribes, all my free time either goes into school, studying under Twilight, or exploring Equestria with my new friend Cherry Berry. She’s nice. Owns a balloon. A little rough around the edges…”

“Pleased you could make it.” The princess greeted another Gala-goer before looking at me intently. “Yes, Twilight mentioned that you were studying magic with her.”

“We’ve just touched the basics, though.” Twilight Sparkle blushed beside her mentor.

“I helped Twilight invent an 'iconic aura' spell that makes ketchup glow!” I beamed proudly. Twilight blinked uncertainly.

“You know, Mark, most ponies use segways before saying something like that.”

“Oh I assure you, Princess, it was for a good cause.” Spike looked up from beside me and I gave him a reassuring wink. “On another almost-but-not-quite-random side-note, Twilight now has a pet owl.”

“It sounds as if you’ve settled into Ponyville nicely.” Celestia glanced sideways at me as another fancy pony stepped forward. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.”

“Yeah…” My voice became quiet. “Me too.”

This first season had been a long, bizarre, and wonderful road, but it had not come without its own fears and challenges. I always knew that I’d have to leave home one day, but a journey to Equestria had never been what I expected. If I were honest with myself, I was surprised that I was doing as well, emotionally and physically, as I was. Before life threw this sink-or-swim curveball at me, I had always been afraid to live on my own. I’d never been cast adrift like this, trying to find a place to fit in, having to make friends. But the princess’s words were comforting, reminding me that I had finally found a place where I belonged. The fact that I was standing in the Grand Galloping Gala was proof enough.

“Well, I won’t take any more of your time, Princess.” I watched as she greeted another lord. “I’ll let you and Twilight Sparkle get back to ‘the best night ever’.”

The purple unicorn was busy shaking hooves with a delegate, but Celestia heard me. There was a tiny twinkle in her eye as she said,

“Enjoy the Gala, Mark!”

“So, what now?” Spike wondered as we drifted back into the crowd.

I was busy pondering the exact same thing as I looked over the lake of top hats and powdered wigs. By now, Rarity would be chasing prince tail, Fluttershy would be discovering what a loudmouth she is, Pinkie Pie would have found the dance floor, Applejack might have actually sold a pie and Rainbow Dash may have already rescued said pie from a messy fate. However, I didn’t want to interrupt Rarity’s doomed date, Fluttershy didn’t need my help scaring critters, I couldn’t dance, the money I had in my wallet was reserved for doughnuts, and I didn’t want to witness the birth of the ‘Soradash’ ship.

“Let’s go exploring.” I proposed, plunging into the heart of the palace. I was in the mood for food and music, the scent and sound of which lured me further into the glowing halls of the Gala. As Spike and I left the palace entrance, I caught a glimpse of Rarity trotting off into the gardens. Her glass- shod hooves barely touched the ground and her eyes were filled with stars.

True to its fairytale expectations, the Grand Galloping Gala had something for everyone. It wasn’t so much one giant event as it was a number of intermingling ballrooms, each one with its own mood and decorations. There was, of course, the main dance floor where Pinkie Pie was prowling, with its regal alicorn statue and classical music ensemble on stage. (Including, obviously, the legendary Octavia! I would have introduced myself, but she looked too enraptured in her work, so I merely watched from a distance.) But in addition to that, there was also a buffet hall, an outdoor pavilion for VIPs, two smaller ballrooms, and a quiet room serving endless drinks.

“This is amazing.” I sighed, sipping a tall glass of something akin to sparkling cider. My friend and I were sitting on a stone bench outside one of the smaller ballrooms, resting in the twilight between the breathtaking night sky and the glowing party behind us. Spike was absently playing with his tail, caught between bored and frustrated. “What a night, huh?”

“I guess…” My companion mumbled. He and I had wandered across miles of polished floors and lush carpets, experiencing as much as we could and witnessing even more. We were stuffed to the gills with tiny sandwiches, ambrosial cheeses, and chocolate-dipped fruit. We had toured the stained-glass halls, gazed upon the frosty crown jewels and even witnessed the Wonderbolts splitting the heavens with their glittering trails of light and smoke. All this while listening to the mystifying strands of transcendent pony musicians. In fact, the only place we’d been unable to explore was the outdoor VIP section, which required either blue blood in your veins or a Wonderbolts costume to access. Yet, Spike’s enthusiasm had been waning all night.

“Everything OK?” Asking was merely a courtesy since I knew the answer.

“I just thought-”

“I know. This night hasn’t been what anyone expected. Neither you or the girls. And I’m sorry if you’re not having a good time.” I took a sip from my glass.

“What about you?” The little guy looked up. “You seem to be having fun, even when you’re just standing there eating.”

“Hey, don’t underestimate a good pickle.” I chuckled. “I came here expecting nothing, so it was impossible for me to be disappointed, but I’ll be honest, the excitement’s starting to wear off. Any longer and there’s the danger I’ll get bored. Bored, that is, of being stared at like a bearded lady at the circus. Bored of coming up with new ways to describe Oregon. Bored of… these!” I pulled four business cards out of my pocket. “And my cheeks are sore from smiling like a tour guide Barbie.”

“I bet tonight would have been better if the girls just stayed with us.” Spike pouted.

“Don’t worry.” A mischievous light filled my eyes. “The night’s still young.”

“It’s inexcusable!” A bellow echoed through the night air like a clap of thunder. Spike and I turned suddenly to see the source of the commotion. It sounded as if there was a very unhappy and very vocal pony just within the palace. He was practically shouting in what sounded like a Brooklyn accent.

“I wonder what’s got his bratwurst in a bunch.” I frowned.

“Huh?” Spike scrunched up his face.

“What’s got his goat?” I translated.

“Mark, I haven’t seen any goats here.” Spike looked around. I didn’t even waste my breath commenting on that as I stood and made my way towards the sound of the commotion.

“You may not realize it, but you’ve upset a lot of important ponies! I mean I know I’m not happy and if I’m not happy then you can bet your bottom bit that half the ponies here aren’t happy!” The voice became clearer. I stepped back into the realm of the Gala and what I saw there almost made me drop my glass.

She stood like a tower of iron and her eyes were like cold starfire. The crown on her head glittered like onyx and her mane looked like the star-flecked void between moonlit clouds. Princess Luna was at the far end of the room, standing beneath the verbal onslaught of a tall and boisterous stallion. His orange face was flushed and his once-pomaded yellow mane was shaking freely.

“This has been the single greatest insult to the government and the economy since the turquoise tax and we’re not going to let you get away with it! For generations, my family’s supported Princess Celestia and without so much as a consultation, she takes it upon herself to reform the monarchy into a diarchy!? Did you two give any thought to how this will affect the political landscape? What about signing laws into effect? What about the command of the guard? Which one of you has command over what? These questions must be addressed immediately!” That accent was definitely from Manehattan.

“We regret that this has become such a topic of contention among our subjects. However,-”

“Regret? Here’s what I regret. What about the tomato crop that was supposed to be imported last week? An entire season’s shipment could have spoiled in the amount of time it took for me to cut through the new security bill…”

Princess Luna stood unflinching beneath the blustering voice of her unhappy party guest. Although her face betrayed nothing but confidence, her rigid neck revealed how uneasy she really was. The Princess of the Night was cornered between the back wall and the angry guest. All she could do was wait until the loquacious juggernaut either ran out of breath or suffered an aneurism. Whichever came first.

Or, perhaps she just needed someone to take the wind out of his sails.

“I’m gonna go say hi!” I stepped forward, but the edge of my coat was caught on something. Or someone.

“Mark! Don’t go over there! That’s Nightmare Moon!” Spike pulled me back.

“That’s not. And I don’t want to hear you say that ever again.” I warned. “Come on, she looks like she could use some help.”

“No way! I’m staying here.” The little dragon didn’t budge.

“Whatever!” I just shook my head at him.

“You’re just going to leave me like all the girls?” Spike called after me desperately.

“I think you’re tired, you’re frustrated, and you’re just about done with this night.” I glanced back. “Why don’t you head on down to Doughnut Joe’s? I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Hmph! Fine!” My companion spun on one claw and marched back towards the palace’s main hall. Meanwhile, I took a deep breath and crept up behind ‘Mr. Caps Lock’.

“And what if you and your sister come to a disagreement? Should the entire world grind to a halt while we wait upon your family feuds? These would be nice things to know, your highness!” He used an honorific term, but his tone was far from respectful. “I mean, really, I can think of nothing more disrespectful!”

“Oh, I could probably think of something…” I piped up. The Billy Mays pony threw a glare over his shoulder and the princess looked up in surprise. The stallion’s stare morphed from angry to confused and finally to indignant as his eyes swept over my stature and my attire.

“What… are you?” He demanded.

“Calling you out.” I swirled my drink absently. “What? You asked me what I was.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Well, you won’t get it. Not until you start acting like a gentleman, that is.”

“Look, bub, I don’t think you understand-”

Oh, so you’re telling me there’s a scenario where it’s ok to yell at your hostess during the largest formal event of the year? Well, that’s a relief, because from where I was standing, you just looked like a hooligan.”

The orange pony’s mouth twitched.

“Now, just who do you think you are?” He spat. I held my hands open passively and put on my best horse-whisperer voice.

“I’m just trying to help, sir. You were making a scene while a lot of ponies were trying to enjoy their evening. I know I didn’t appreciate it, and if I didn’t appreciate it, then at least half of the ponies here didn’t appreciate it.”

The pomaded hair flailed a little as the stallion tossed his head and turned to face me head-on.

“Listen up! Do you know who I am?” He pursed his lips. I took my sweet time, examining him from the base of his silver gilded shoes to the top of his titanic coiffure.

“Donald Trump?” I shrugged.

“I’m Big Money!” (Took me a second to realize that was his name.) “Only the richest pony in Manehattan! Owner of no less than three of the top twenty enterprises in Equestria! I’ve got two private shopping districts, a newspaper, an armada of skyships and my construction company has built a sixth of Buckland!”

“So… I guessed it?”

“That champagne you’re sipping was most likely donated to the princess by me!”

“Really?” I pretended to act impressed as I peered into the bubbly liquid. The only thing sincere about my expression, though, was the fact that it was actually called ‘champagne’. “Did you spit in it before they served it?”

“What…?” Big Money’s face fell aghast. “What in the hoof is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I just figured if you were going to pollute this serene night air with your discourteous bellowing, why not taint the drinks as well?”

“You insignificant…” The orange face turned as red as an Chinese fire hydrant in July. “I can say whatever I want at this pathetic cutesinera and neither you or the princess can stop me!”

“Granted… But I wouldn’t recommend it.” I winced. “With a mouth as big as yours, I’m afraid your ego will fall out.”

At this, Princess Luna blinked and swallowed hard. (It wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that was her way of stifling a laugh when she’s trying to be serious.)

“I could buy this whole powwow and ship it back to Manehattan!” Big Money bellowed, shaking the chandelier above.

“I’m really glad to hear that.” My voice, in contrast, was dangerously soft. “Perhaps you could do us a favor and take any other unhappy guests with you. After all, some of us are still trying to enjoy the Grand Galloping Gala.”

Big Money’s wide eyes swung around to lock onto Luna.

“Princess!... Are you hearing this? The audacity-”

“Indeed. We find it nothing short of astounding.” Her voice was chill and level. “Unprecedented in the history of the Gala. If you would be so kind, Big Money, we would ask that you scour the palace for any sign of these ‘unhappy guests’ and immediately escort them someplace where they may be content.”

The red glow drained from Big Money’s face and his mouth flapped like a fish out of water. After a long moment, he regained control of his jaw used it to growl,

“Yeah, well, there goes a half of your precious Gala!” He stomped off, angrily brushing down his mane and casting glares back at me like rotten tomatoes.

“I figure it’s like a package of potato chips,” I mused, “only one half has anything good to contribute. The other’s just a windbag.”

“Yet, ‘tis not wise to make enemies lightly. That one commands much wealth and so he believes he commands much influence.” There was a hint of warning in Luna’s voice. My eyes wandered back to the garden and glistening night beyond.

“Says the princess who commands the vaults of a thousand night skies and the pure silver moon. I think Big needs to realize how small he really is.”

“Perhaps.” The princess fell into silence and looked out over the heads of the crowd. A few curious onlookers had watched the altercation, but they now returned to their own business and avoided the princess’s gaze. For a moment, I thought that was the end of it, that Luna would return to the Gala and I’d have to return to doing whatever it was bored bachelors did at fancy parties. However, just as I was about to excuse myself, her voice stopped me,

“Though thy actions were unwarranted… we thank you, Mark.”

“Oh! You already know my name?”

“Of course. It would be remiss of us to mistake the only representative of the human race. My sister spoke in depth about you.”

“Oh? Did I make a good impression?” I asked casually. Luna looked at me sideways.

“Suffice to say that we are not surprised at your actions just now.”

“You mean prying Big Money off you? To be honest, I surprised myself. Usually I’m not that good at banter and only come up with a sharp comeback after the fact.

“Actually, our impression was that you are severely ignorant of social courtesies, even if you have a deep concept of honor.”

“Heh. Yeah, well, that’s ‘Murica for you.”

“Yet, we still do not understand why you would put yourself in such a position for our sakes.” The princess looked at me thoughtfully. “Why didst though feel it necessary to involve yourself in our unpleasant conversation?”

“Well, how can I become a gentleman if I’m afraid to come to a lady’s aid?” I scrutinized my champagne as I explained, “You looked like you needed help and my life goal is to prove to at least one person that chivalry is not yet dead. Simple as that.”

“And here, we had begun to lose hope.” I couldn’t tell if the princess was trying to be funny or not. Her face was strangely emotionless as she looked over the ballroom floor. “There are many names that have been used to refer to us tonight. ‘Lady’ is not one of them. Nonetheless, thy efforts are appreciated.”

“Any time, your highness.”

We stood at the edge of the room, quietly watching while the other ponies floated over the polished floor like boats on a pond. I tried to act calm and dignified for the princess’s sake, but it was a struggle. After all, I was actually speaking with the single most ‘faved’ pony in the entire show. Just her name alone could get over a hundred ‘upvotes’ on Google +. Yet, the pony standing beside me wasn’t ‘Woona’, nor was she (to the best of my knowledge) a gamer pony. Instead, her presence was like moonlight rolling off of a storm cloud, soft, but immense and imposing. The embodiment of grace and solemnity, of darkness and redemption. I had a million things I wanted to ask her, anything to carry on the conversation, but everything I wanted to say sounded inadequate or inappropriate. After all, she didn’t give off the same relaxing mien as he sister. Fortunately, she broke my cycle of silence,

“How have you been faring, then? Has it been difficult to adjust to life in Equestria?” For such a casual question, her voice still sounded stiff and forceful.

“Well, let’s see here…” I swept my memory over the past couple months for any good stories. “Since coming to Equestria, I’ve participated in Winter Wrap-Up, and watched the Running of the Leaves. I’ve been afflicted by poison joke, have seen a phoenix be reborn, and witnessed the legendary Sonic Rainboom. I’ve been slapped by an ursa, fallen under the ire of not one, but two fully grown dragons, hunted cockatrices with the local witch doctor, and ran for my sweet life from a hydra. Yeah, that last one was especially enjoyable… But all-in-all, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for the world!”

“What made the hydra so memorable?” The Princess of the Night wondered.

“Well, it wasn’t so much the monster as it was the fact that Twilight temporarily forgot she could teleport away from it. And the gas. Nopony told me that hydras just gave off swamp gas. I was running around, freaking out because the legend of Heracles described their miasma as insanely lethal.”

“So all you knew about them was from a legend?”

“Hydras don’t exist where I come from.” I explained. “For that matter, a good sixty to eighty percent of all creatures I encounter are mythological back home.

“It must be strange to suddenly find oneself living in a land of mythology.”

“It’s not easy, but it’s nothing short of wondrous.”

As I looked at the passive face of the princess, I caught the sudden impression that she must be going through something similar. She too had been taken from the world she knew. She too had to rebuild her life in this alternate Equestria. If ‘Luna Eclipsed’ was any indication, she too would be struggling to find acceptance and a place to belong. Just like I had been before the mane six befriended me. Mustering my courage, I ventured,

“And how are you, princess? How have you been?”

“We are well, thank you. Our health has been greatly improved since returning home.” Beneath her noble tone of voice and her expertly-crafted facial expression, I saw a look I knew only too well. Loneliness.

“I don’t get it.” I shook my head. “At first, your make it clear that I’m nothing like these highbrow ponies parading around, and then you treat me like one of them by giving me a canned answer like that. I’m not anyone you need to save face with, your highness. If I may be so bold as to say, I might be the only person in this room who can relate with being plucked from home and dropped in this world. I didn’t ask about your health, I asked how you were doing.”

Princess Luna turned to stare at me and I, unwavering, tried to give her a reassuring nod. She took a deep breath as she studied my face, as if weighing whether or not she wanted to talk with me like a real person or bring an end to this conversation. Finally, she released her breath and admitted,

“We are happy to hear that you are doing well in Ponyville. Though perhaps envious. Once transplanted, a tree may struggle to lay down new roots.” She looked back at the ballroom. “And some soil is less welcoming than others.”

“You highness-”

“But that is an inaccurate title.” She cut me off. “Perhaps we once held a place of respect, a place above our subjects, but now not a day passes when we are not reminded of how far we have fallen. ‘Highness’ may be our station granted by my merciful sister, but whenever my subjects look at us, all they see is a former Nightmare. How can one build a new life when our own court seems determined to reject me?”

I mulled this over for a moment while the princess waited patiently. She had given me what I had asked for, a serious conversation, and things had gone from zero to a hundred in zero-point-no-time-flat. Fortunately, I was uniquely qualified to continue the dialogue.

“I could cite my own struggles, princess. Of the family I left behind who probably think I’m dead. Of the trials I’ve always had about being alone and my inability to make friends. Of how I had driven my schooling and my career into the ground. Of how inadequate and powerless I feel in this new world. And as for being looked at funny, well, I’m a pink bald bipedal monkey.” I chuckled. “But if I’ve learned one thing from what I’ve gone through, it’s that loneliness isn’t a competition of what makes my situation worse than yours or vice-versa. It’s an outreach of sympathy. The realization that I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there. And the decision that I’ll be the one to listen to your struggles because no one deserves to feel alone like that.”

“Yet I have nothing to complain about.” Luna’s jaw became stiff as she lifted her chin defiantly. “Our sister has proven that she loves us. We have been welcomed back by her open hooves and forgiven for our past wrongs. What reason could we have for feeling lonely? Why do I… still feel lonely.”

“Depression doesn’t need logic.” I muttered. “Just ask the voices in my head. Life is rough, it throws things at you, it kicks you when you’re down, and the bad days are always trying to snatch away whatever happiness the good days brought. But you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that life is beautiful.”

“Perhaps your words come easily from where you stand.” Luna said pointedly. “You sound very pleased with where your life has planted you.”

“And I owe it all to my new friends.” I said solemnly. “Without them, I’d still be struggling to find where I belong. Heck, I’d even go so far as to say that I can attribute who I am as a person to them. My advice? Your first priority should be to find some new friends. Everything else will follow.”

“You sound like my dear sister.” The smallest of head shakes escaped the princess.

“If you don’t mind me saying, your sister is a very wise lady.”

“She did everything shy of insisting that I attend the Grand Galloping Gala this evening. Though, in all honestly, we were just as surprised as our guests to finally decide to attend.”

“Ah, so that’s why you’re in this side room instead of the entrance hall with your sister.” I thought to myself. The three ballrooms were subtly designed so that each one would have varying degrees of traffic passing through them, and this one was the smallest and quietest. Aloud, I said,

“Well, I can see the logic in that. How else are you going to make friends if you don’t socialize? Geez! I sound just like my mother. Of course, I’m being a flaming hypocrite by saying that, because I’m hopelessly antisocial. My idea of an exciting night is listening to Lindsey Stirling while playing video games.”

“Your behavior tonight says otherwise.” Lune squinted up at me playfully.

“Well, perhaps I’m just a good actor!” I laughed. The princess, however, became solemn again. She looked at the crowd in front of us as if all the ponies were clowns.

“It appears that you are not the only one. Our greatest struggle yet has been to see the world my sister and I fought for reduced to…”

“… A masquerade?”

“Precisely! Is this what we and our friends fought and bled for? An evening of social pandering and facades?”

“Look at me! I’m wearing Hoochie Coochie!

I only bathe in the finest ciders…

Ohmygosh! Did you see the way she was looking at me?

Did you hear my son got accepted to Harvard?

Ah yes, of course I imported my vineyard via my sky yacht.

Oh, you mean my billion-bit carriage? It’s starting to get dirty, so I’ll just buy a new one.

My peacock is bigger than yours!

Yada yada yada…” I fired off a number of increasingly sarcastic impressions. Princess Luna blinked and swallowed hard. I sighed,

“You know, Celestia mentioned something similar. She misses the old days and yet will do anything to keep her subjects happy. Even if it means being a political figurehead. But honestly, you can’t blame them.” Now I had to play devil’s advocate, “What matters is that the land is at peace. You and your sister know exactly what that cost, but these ponies didn’t. You saw the terrors of war and you decided that the future generations would be better off without it. You two stood in the gap so that your subject could have a chance to be happy. And I, for one, appreciate your sacrifice.”

“You speak as if you know what we went though.” Luna whispered. I kind of did, at least, as far as the Sombra and Discord war went, but I couldn’t tell her that.

“Mine is a land of eternal conflict.” I admitted. Not a generation goes by without fresh blood in the dirt. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I love Equestria. Because, for a moment, I can pretend that a world of peace is possible. That a day will come when all we will have to worry about is what year the champagne is.” I finished my lukewarm glass. “I envy your land, princess.”

“Well, you are welcome in it.” Luna finally smiled at me. “Even more so because you appreciate it.”

“Thank you…” I whispered. “And don’t worry about your subjects. Some of them are jerks, sure, but some of them really appreciate you. Not every princess can face down their nightmares like you have and you have a lot of wisdom you can share. Now you help them face down their own nightmares.”

“Face down their nightmares?” The princess wondered. “Art though still referring to the wars of the past or…”

“No, I mean literally.” My brow furrowed in confusion. “Don’t you guard the realm of dreams nowadays?” To my alarm, the princess looked at me suspiciously.

“Though it’s true my sister suggested such, I had not yet agreed to do so. And if we were to take up that task, she and I agreed that it would be a matter of the utmost confidentiality. How, then, do you know about that.”

Oh, snap! I hadn’t expected that at all.

“Um… I, uh, think I read it in a book somewhere. Something about your unique magical talents.” My collar grew a little hot and I hoped my nose wasn’t growing. “Perhaps I ran across a dream spell and I asked Twilight to clarify how such a technique would be used, I don’t know. I can’t remember.”

“Then that is for the best. Please forget that you heard that.” Luna commanded. “It’s true, however. After the events that led up to the birth of Nightmare Moon, my heart goes out to the souls who still struggle with their own doubts and fears. I desire to aid them, but if it was known that I can travel through dreams, we fear that many ponies, especially these ones here tonight, would villainize such power. They do not realize that our intentions would only serve to protect them from their own darkness and that I care not for espionage or monetary gain. That is why my sister recommended that I aid only fillies at first.”

“Like Apple Bloom during the Zecora scenario. They’re too young to learn to be biased against you.”

“… That is the theory… yes.”

“Well, I can’t, in good conscious, welcome you into my dreams. It’s a… (scary) silly place, my mind. But I’ll freely admit that I’ve had a couple nights where I wished someone could have saved me from my own whispers.”

“Remember, Mark, you are not the only one who needs saving… We too need someone to lean on from time-to-time.” Princess Luna slowly turned and took a deep breath. Her cold voice dropped a little of its edge as she said, “Forgive us if this is abrupt, but would you do us the honor of becoming our ‘friend’.”

I blinked a couple times in surprise and the ambient noise of the Gala was drowned out by the echoes that last word in my ears. I slowly set my empty champagne flute down on a nearby table, wondering if that drink had been alcoholic after all or if the warmth in my chest was from elation.

“So formal.”

“W-well, we have already determined that I do not have much experience in such things, correct? So, please do not mock-”

“Princess, I would be honored to be your friend.” I smiled warmly. “And I don’t have much experience in these things either. Not really. The only reason I’m such good friends with the six girls is (because I already knew them from the show) because Pinkie Pie is a better ice breaker than a redneck Alaskan fisherman with a stick of dynamite.”

“We are glad to hear it. Social events are far less awkward when one appears to be in company with a friend.”

“Yeah, we loners need to stick together.” The princess and I laughed at that.

In the distance, a clock sang out the hour and the mood of the ballroom had mellowed considerably. The night was wearing on, but wasn’t showing any signs of ending just yet. Suddenly, the pony musicians began to play an enchanting piece that perfectly complemented the fairytale atmosphere. It was magical and haunting and mystical and enthralling all at once, not unlike the ‘Starlight Waltz’ by Ponyphonic. I glanced over to see that the princess was just as captivated by the music as I was. She gently swayed from side to side like a moonlit meadow of grass.

In that instant a crazy thought hit me. It was a fragile and perfect moment, and I was afraid that if I said anything, it would vanish as surely as touching a snowflake. And yet, if I let that opportunity slip by, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I steeled myself, faced the princess and asked,

“Forgive me if this is abrupt, princess, but… may I have this dance?” Luna looked up in surprise, but quickly softened into a smile.

“So formal… We would be honored.” And, side-by-side, we stepped onto the mirrored ballroom floor.

That was how I ended up dancing with the Princess of the Night.

Even though I had insisted that I could and would not dance, Rarity had forced me to learn at least the basics. As Luna and I moved in rippling spirals around the circular room, I reminded myself to thank the white unicorn. Pony dancing didn’t typically use the forelegs, so it was all a matter of moving in parallel with one’s partner. Not unlike Wall-E and Eve, I suppose. I, as the clumsy and unconventional earthling, and Luna as the graceful and serene denizen of the stars.

The music ended and the princess and I drifted to a halt. I had just taken a breath to say something, when a series of loud explosions shook the palace. Luna and I ran to the entrance of the adjoining room to see the source of the commotion.

A cloud of dust was rising from the crumbled remains of the room’s ornamental pillars. What had once been the main ballroom now looked like a scene from Fallout and the alicorn statue that had once stood at the head of the room now sat on Rainbow Dash’s quivering shoulders. Pinkie Pie was lying like a pancake in the center of the room next to a disheveled Applejack. Rarity was glowing as red as a communist fire truck and her once-pristine dress was stained with cake frosting. Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, who had just appeared at the main doorway, froze in place. Everypony was frozen, for that matter. Finally, even the statue on Rainbow’s shoulders cracked and fell to the floor.

“Well… it can’t get any worse.” Twilight Sparkle muttered. Apparently, there are some phrases that should never be said. A distant sound, like an approaching hurricane, filled the air.

“I think now would be a good time to excuse ourselves.” I whispered to Luna. She cast a curious look up at me. In the next moment, the doors leading to the royal gardens burst open like a bursting dam. Dozens of wide-eyed animals poured over the dance floor, scattering fur, feathers and mud over everything they touched. Behind them all, the most terrifying creature of them all shrieked,

“You’re… going to LOVE ME!” Fluttershy’s breezy attire was ripped, stretched, and stained with grass. The little pegasus was on the verge of tears as she shouted at the panicky garden critters.

The posh and starchy Gala disintegrated into a pool of chaos that Discord himself would aspire to. Lords and ladies, delegates and ambassadors ran in every direction, dodging birds and tripping over bunnies. The chaos was expanding like a nova and soon it would spill into the rest of the palace.

“Indeed. Let’s take this as an opportunity to retire for the night.” Luna smiled brazenly at how lively the party had suddenly become. “We bid thee a good night, Mark.”

“And you too, princess. Take care.” And, just like that, she vanished into the endless corridors of the palace.

I escaped through the VIP section, circling back around toward the front of the palace where a river of distraught and disheveled ponies was vomiting into the night. I strode past them nonchalantly as they pushed and shouted and ordered the valets to fetch their carriages. I’m pretty sure I even heard Big Money shouting again. My path took me beyond the gardens, beyond the gate, and down into the quiet streets of Canterlot. Every step took me further from the chaos and deeper into the still embrace of the night. A few rented carriages shuttled their gala-goers to the sky docks, but I didn’t mind walking that night.

I might as well have been on cloud nine.

Meeting Luna had been completely unexpected, but had made that night one of the best I’d ever had. She was still pretty formal, still pretty awkward in this time period and still adjusting to her new station as Celestia’s co-princess, but underneath, she was really kind. She had known loneliness, so she wanted others to feel accepted. She had known sadness, so she wanted others to feel happy. She had known pain, so she wanted to heal the broken hearts. And if being her first friend helped at all, then I was more than happy to oblige.

I’d never be able to tell the brony community, however. Even if I found a way back to Earth, I’d never be able to tell them that I danced with Princess Luna at the Grand Galloping Gala. They’d probably lynch me for ‘trying to steal their waifu’. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a ‘waifu’, let alone a pony one. Some of Luna’s fans could be as protective of their crush as a rabid yandere on crack!

My feet floated down the moonlit roads until I saw a large building with its lights still on. It had a giant doughnut mounted on its front and the sounds of laughter were coming from within. I shaded my eyes from the light and stepped through the doors.

“Mark!” All the girls were there along with Spike and Celestia. Even though their Gala dresses were all wrinkled and stained, the mane six looked as lovely now as they had been at the beginning of the evening. Their radiant smiles were more than enough to make up for the otherwise disappointing night they’d gotten dragged through. Even though I already knew the end of this episode, it still made me feel better to see them happy like that.

“There y’all are!”

“Where’ve you been?”

“You made it out in one piece!”

“Mark!” Spike waved at me from across the table. “The girls were just telling me about their time at the Gala! It sounded awful.”

Another cycle of snickers and knowing looks swept around the table.

“What about you?” Twilight Sparkle spoke up. “How was your night?”

A flurry of words rose up in my throat, threatening to spew everything about my fantastic time and my meeting with Luna, but something stopped me. Looking around at my friends, I was reminded of the night they had just fought through. They were tired, and disappointed, but that didn’t stop them from having a good laugh. They might not have enjoyed their time at the Gala, but they still shared the simple pleasure of spending time with each other. To gush about my own experience would have broken the mood. And so, still wearing a goofy smile, I shrugged and told them,

“It was all right.”

Author's Note

I meant what I said about not trying to steal Luna for myself...

Please put down your torches and pitchforks:fluttershysad: