Alicorn in Wonderland

Chapters

The pool of tears
A caucus race and a long tail
The Rabbit sends in a little Bill
Advice from a caterpillar
Pig and pepper
A mad tea party
The Mock Turtle's story
The lobster-quadrille
Who stole the tarts?
Twilight's evidence
Down the rabbit hole
The Queens croquet ground

The pool of tears

"I take it back! Not a normal cupcake at all!"

Twilight was growing in size, albeit disproportionately at first. She could see her hooves disappearing into the distance, which in her mind was a lot further than it actually was. "How the heck am I going to walk or do anything if I can't even see my own hooves? Worst cupcake ever!" She sat there watching her hooves, wondering if Spike would object to helping her put her shoes on in the morning when her head struck the ceiling.

"Ow!" She rubbed her head, or at least tried to. She looked around the room and remembered the key. "Too bad the shrinking potion's all gone." she muttered to herself before picking the key up in her magic and unlocking the tiny door, leaving it open as she contemplated how she was going to get through it. She bent down to look through the door and sighed.

"First almost killed by curiosity and now I'm being defeated by a door. How is this even possible?" She straightened back up, without thinking about her size and smacked her head on the ceiling hard enough to make her eyes water. "Sonuva-! Ugh! Dammit!" she stayed there until the pain started to recede. However her eyes continued to water. "Oh come on! My eyes should not be watering this much! My head doesn't even hurt that much anymore!"

The tears not only kept coming but were increasing their flow, running down her cheeks in rivulets. Around her hooves a pool was starting to form, about four inches deep, and it was starting to spread. After watching the pool grow for a while, grumbling about getting dehydrated, her tears finally stopped. She rubbed her eyes with a hoof, not noticing that she was a lot more proportional now, when she heard a pattering of feet coming closer.

It was Angel Bunny, who was now wearing a pair of white gloves and carrying a fan. He was muttering to himself as he ran along. "Oh man, that Duchess is gonna be in one helluva mood if I don't get my butt there soon!"

Twilight shouted at Angel. "Angel! You come here right now and..." She trailed off as Angel jumped up and shot off into the distance, having been scared by her shouting.

"Well that's just great! Abandon me here why don't you!" she shouted after him before pouting at his retreating form. She noticed that he had dropped his gloves and fan. "Uh, you forgot these!" She shouted after Angel. When she got no response she shrugged and started to fan herself since her increased body mass was making the tiny hallway rather warm.

"Could this day get any weirder?" she sat there pondering her situation for a while. "Luna better not have gone and dumped me in someone’s dream again and if she has it better not be Pinkie's. Knowing Pinkie I could actually be Pinkie pretending to be me in her own dream." She frowned for a moment, for some reason, even though that statement made no sense it made more sense than she really wanted it to.

She snorted. "That's ridiculous, I can't be Pinkie and I'll prove it. She wouldn't know that the square root of five hundred and forty six is twenty three point three six...six...six... She trailed off frowning in confusion. She couldn't remember the answer, or at least not all of it.

"You know what? That won't prove anything. How about geography? Ponyville is the capital of Canterlot, and Canterlot is next to Griffonia and Griffonia is in Eques-." She stopped herself, a sense of unease growing in her chest.

"Ok maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Pinkie can't remember things, especially lyrics. Maybe I should try reciting poetry!" Pinkie did tend to invent lyrics when she couldn't remember them. She cleared her throat.

"How doth the little manticore
Wield his pointy tail,
And stalk the forest of Everfree
Through sun and wind and hail

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly he spreads his claws
And welcomes little ponies in
With gently smiling jaws!"

Twilight started to hyperventilate. "Oh sweet Celestia, I'm Pinkie! I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a party mad mare with possible brain damage!"

She lay there, quivering with existential horror until she felt calm enough to dismiss the hysteria driven madness clouding her thoughts. She got up when a strange feeling on her hoof led her to find out she had gotten one of Angel's gloves on it.

"Huh? Why would I even try to put that on?" Clearly being Pinkie meant having quite large gaps in her thought processes.

She looked around. The room did seem bigger than before and she could no longer touch the ceiling with her head. She went and measured herself by the table, the top of which was now eye level. She kept on shrinking until she theorised that the fan she was using could be the cause.

She released it from her magical hold before she could shrink into nothingness. "Why did the fan shrink me? It was the potion that did it last time! Why is nothing logical and consistent here!? Is this what it’s like to be Pinkie!?" She huffed. "Well at least I can get through that bloody door now."

She ran to the little door just to find it was somehow locked again, with the key somehow residing upon the table again. "Gaaahhh!!!" She bucked the door for good measure. "Stupid door with its stupid lock and its stupid...stupidity!" She slumped onto her rear and hung her head. "That's it door. I quit. You’re clearly the smarter of the two of us.

She dragged herself to her hooves and started to slowly walk over to the table when she slipped and fell into the pool with a splash! She surfaced, gasping for air. Where did all this water come from? She trod water for a while until she remembered the pool of tears she involuntarily made after banging her head.

"Great. Now I get to drown in a pool of my own tears. What a perfect end to a perfect day. Come on world, what's next? Snakes falling from the sky?"

Just then she heard something splashing nearby. She swam towards it to investigate. "Hopefully it is a snake because getting eaten would really round today out." she thought before remembering her tiny size, a snake wouldn't even have to chew, not that it would’ve anyway. She soon made out that it was a mouse that was stuck swimming like her.

She looked at it for a while, as she followed it from a distance. Trying to talk to a mouse sounded like a silly thing to try, or at least she thought that until she thought that thinking such things was really insulting to Fluttershy.

"Well if the rabbit could talk maybe the mouse can." she reasoned. "Uh, hello there mister mouse. I don't suppose you know how to get out of here? I'm really not that good a swimmer and I would prefer to not drown."

The mouse just looked at her inquisitively and appeared to wink, but otherwise remained silent.

"Right, just a mouse." she said feeling a little disappointed with its lack of response.

"Just a mouse?" it suddenly said with an angry tone, making Twilight jump in surprise. "Just a mouse? Because you're so special, little miss talking, purple...winged...unicorn..." The mouse floated there for a moment. "Ok, so you are pretty unique but that doesn't mean you get to call me 'just a mouse'."

"I...I'm sorry. It’s just that you said nothing after I first spoke to you so I thought you were just a regular mouse inste-."

"So I'm just a 'regular mouse' now am I?" the mouse suddenly interrupted. "If you wanted my help you're really not going to get it by being so insulting." He turned away huffing in indignation.

Twilight held a hoof out. "Wait please!" she said sounding not a little desperate. "I'm sorry if I offended you, I really didn't mean to. It’s just that talking mice are not a common feature where I'm from."

The mouse turned back to her and squinted its eyes, as if weighting her up. "Very well, but if I hear any more talk of 'just a mouse' I promise you we shall part ways for good."

Twilight gasped in joyous relief. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Now follow me and when we get to the shore I can tell you my history."

"Right! Of course! Lead on mister mouse." She swam after the mouse that had started to move on. They were joined by other creatures now, such as a duck, a lory and an eaglet amongst others.

"Wait. What was that about history?"

A caucus race and a long tail

Twilight and the motley collection of swimmers had eventually made it to the shore after an arduous amount of swimming. However one of the sad side effects of swimming was that it usually left you soaking wet.

This was why everyone was now grumbling and moaning and being generally unpleasant instead of thinking of practical methods of drying themselves. Twilight had already gotten into an argument with the lory that had resulted in it sulking and left Twilight wondering why she was talking to these animals like it was perfectly normal and not the phenomenon it actually was.

Eventually the mouse, whom the others seemed to listen to, called out "Sit down all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon make you dry enough!" The animals all sat down at once followed reluctantly by Twilight, who looked around questioning the animal’s strange obedience.

"Ahem!" the mouse said with unwarranted self-importance. "Are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round if you please!" Twilight rolled her eyes; she never thought she would ever meet a talking mouse, yet had managed to find one. Pity it was one like this.

The mouse started its monologue. "Celestia the Sun-bringer, whose cause was joined by her sister, Luna the night maiden, was soon submitted to by the three tribes, who wanted strong and unbiased leaders after the many centuries of strife between them. Chancellor Puddinghead and Princess Platinum the leaders of the Earth ponies and the Unicorns-."

"Ugh...stop murdering equestrian history..." Twilight muttered with a shiver.

"I beg your pardon!" said the mouse, frowning. "Did you speak?"

"Nope! Didn't say a thing!" Twilight said with feigned innocence.

The mouse gave her a sly look. "I thought you did. Anyway, I shall proceed. Puddinghead and Platinum the leaders of the earth ponies and unicorns, declared for the two sisters and even Commander Hurricane, the stoic leader of the pegasi found it advisable-."

"Found what?" the duck interrupted.

"Found it," the mouse replied angrily; "of course you know what 'it' means."

"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did Commander Hurricane find?"

The mouse did not notice the question, or, more likely Twilight thought, it just chose to ignore the patently daft query. It continued, "-found it advisable to join the other two leaders and offer the two sisters the crown. At first the two sisters were overwhelmed by this new role thrust upon them, but after the misadventures of Discord the Usurper they embraced their leadership with-; how are you getting on now my dear?" it suddenly said to Twilight.

Twilight jolted, since she had been phasing out listening to the terrible portrayal of commonly known history. "I, uh...I-I'm fine. Absolutely fine. No problems here. Well, apart from still being wet. But you know, that's hardly a big issue."

"She's right!" shouted the Dodo as it jumped to its feet. "I think we should do something more fun! All this history is like...totally boring and stuff!" Twilight looked at the Dodo. She then looked a bit closer. It was orange, with purple highlights of the tips of its wing and tail feathers. It also had a scooter next to it with a purple helmet hanging off the handle bar by its straps.

"Oooookay...that's not weird at all. Perfectly normal for a dodo to resemble Scootaloo." she said quietly to herself. Her eye twitched for a moment before the eagle disturbed her reverie.

"Heck yeah! Then I can show you just how awesome I am!" it shouted. Twilight looked at the eagle. It was pale blue, except like the dodo its wing and tail feathers were highlighted, this time with the colours of the rainbow.

"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight sat there staring with her mouth hanging open until the dodo continued speaking.

"Exactly!" the dodo said, "I heard of this totally wicked thing called a caucus race. I bet if we ran one of those we'd get dry real quick while eagle shows us how totally awesome she is!"

"A caucus race?" Twilight asked, filling the awkward silence the excitable dodo had left. Twilight had heard of a caucus race and had the feeling the dodo was going to be disappointed before this was over.

"Yeah!" the dodo shouted. "I'm not totally sure what the rules are but I think it’s pretty simple".

It marked out a rough circle on the ground before placing Twilight and the various creatures at different points around the circle. Naturally it placed itself next to the eagle.

There was nothing to mark the start of the race. The eagle set off first followed by the dodo on its scooter, and both had done several laps before the rest of the racers had even started. Twilight joined in since it would probably serve to get her mostly dry, at least until the sweating counteracted the drying.

After a while the dodo suddenly shouted "And the eagle has won! Y'know, because its soooo awesome!" All the other animals gave a collective groan before voicing their complaints that the judge was biased.

"Excuse me." Twilight tried to get the dodo's attention, which was hard because it was busy cheering and jumping around. "Excuse me!"

The dodo stopped its celebrations. "Yeah?"

"What proof do you have that the eagle won?"

"Whaddya mean proof? It’s the eagle. It won because it’s awesome!"

"That doesn't mean it won. Firstly, no-one was counting the laps. Secondly, there's no start or finish line and thirdly, it’s a caucus race. There are no winners, or losers. It is in fact the most pointless race in existence and really doesn't deserve to be called a race at all!"

The dodo looked crestfallen. "You mean the eagle didn't win? But the eagle always wins!"

Twilight bit her lip at the sight of the miserable dodo. "Well you could say it did win because we all won?"

The dodo gave a small sigh and a nod. "If we all won does that mean we all get prizes?"

The sudden change in direction caused Twilight to mentally grind her gears. "Huh?" was the best reply she could come up with.

The eagle suddenly butted in, "Heck yeah there should be prizes! And you’re going to give them to us!"

"Wha-?"

The creatures, led by the eagle started to gather round her, chanting "Prizes! Prizes! Prizes!"

"Okay! Okay!" Twilight shouted, "You can have some prizes! Sheesh!" She concentrated her magic, forgetting her earlier failures at spell crafting, and suddenly a small golden medal appeared around the neck of everyone there. On the medals was written 'I ran a caucus race and all I got was this lousy medal.'

Twilight wore a smirk that, if it could talk, would have said "demand prizes off me will you?" That smirk dropped off a bit when the creatures all cheered anyway.

"Hey!" the dodo shouted, pointing at Twilight's bare neck. "What about you?"

Twilight smirked again and created a medal for herself that said, 'all draws are equal, but some are more equal than others.' The smirk disappeared when, once again, everyone cheered. Twilight shook her head, these animals were making those proverbial two short planks look positively scholarly.

Her consideration of their intelligence was ended when the mouse tugged on her tail and gestured to where the creatures had all gathered in a circle.

"I do believe I said earlier that I would tell you my history, young uni-pega-cornified purple talking pony."

Twilight thought desperately, she wasn't interested in another silly history lesson, especially about a mouse. "Uh, you really don't need to do that because...because...um...I don't want it to be a bother for you." She grinned hoping the mouse would get her point.

"Don't be silly dear, it'd be a pleasure to tell you."

"Ugh...fine." Twilight went over and sat in the ring of animals, while the mouse went to the centre.

"Mine is a long and sad tale!" said the mouse with a sigh.

Twilight jumped to her hooves, "Then maybe you shouldn't talk about it? You don't want to depress yourself now do you?"

The mouse tapped its paw irritability, "Please don't interrupt me young miss or I shall be most offended. Now then, let me begin."

The mouse cleared its throat. "Fury said to a mouse, that he met in the house, 'let us both go to law: I will prosecute you. Come, I'll take no denial, we must have the trial; for really-."

"Wait wait wait!" Twilight interrupted without really thinking. "What is this 'fury' prosecuting you for exactly?"

As Twilight had hoped the mouse turned to her looking rather upset. "I told you not to interrupt me!"

"Oh I'm sorry, I just thought that if you were in trouble with the law I might be able to help."

"I am not in trouble with the law!"

"Then why are you being prosecuted?"

"I am not-, you know what? Forget it. You, young lady, are infuriating and if you do not wish to listen then I shall take my leave."

"But, but...I was only trying to help! You don't have to leave!" The mouse stomped off anyway.

"Pfft," the dodo said "boring story anyway. Right, eagle?"

The eagle, which had dozed off, jolted awake. "Forty two!" it spluttered. "What?" it said in response to the strange looks it had received.

An old crab spoke up. "Ah, my dear!" it said to its daughter. Or it might have been a son; crab gender recognition wasn't high on Twilight's list of skills. "Let this be a lesson to you to always pay attention."

The smaller crab jerked awake. "Oysters!" The others tittered at it. "What?" it said defensively.

Twilight though was looking at the retreating mouse. "If only we had a cat or something to bring it back." She wasn't aware she had said this out loud. "Of course, we'd have to find a way to stop the cat from eating him but I think it could work." She frowned. "Is this a Pinkie Pie idea, because it’s not exactly the best."

He attention was grabbed by the sound of the others making excuses and leaving. "I really must be getting home; the night air doesn't suit my throat!" said an old magpie. A canary called out to its children in a trembling voice, "Come away my dears! It's high time you were off to bed!"

One by one the various creatures made their excuses and moved off, leaving Twilight on her own.

"Nice move brain, just say stupid things like that out loud and I'm sure everything will just get better and better." She sighed. "Who knew being Pinkie, being me, would be so...hard."

She sat there on her own for a while, unsure of what to do next when she heard a pattering of footsteps, causing her to look around. Maybe someone had taken pity on her and was coming back to help.

Author's Note

Have another chapter today. Just because.

The Rabbit sends in a little Bill

It was Angel Bunny, or at least the irregular, talking version of him. He was trotting towards her, looking about anxiously as he came, as if he had lost something. Twilight could hear him muttering to himself.

"That Duchess is gonna hang me by my whiskers if I don't mosey on down there soon. Now where did I drop my damn gloves and fan!"

Twilight, having been the last pony to see them, looked around but failed to see them. Actually she failed to see anything she recognised, the hall and doorways and everything there were all gone and she appeared to be somewhere entirely new.

"Huh? How'd I miss that?" While she was sat there looking at her new surroundings she failed to notice the Angel Bunny doppelganger walk up to her.

"Mary Ann? What the heck you doing here? Get back home and get me some gloves and a fan, pronto!"

Twilight was ready to give that rabbit a good tongue lashing for mistaking her for someone he could order about, but somehow, somewhere between her brain and her mouth, her words changed from a telling off to a "Yessir!" before she trotted off in the direction he was pointing.

"What...was that? Since when do I take orders from rabbits? She sighed and thought for a moment as she ran. "I guess I could do this since I did lose his other gloves and fan, although why he wants a magical shrinking fan is anyone’s guess."

Soon she came upon a neat little house with the name 'W.RABBIT' engraved upon it. "Hmm, I wonder what the W stands for?" She grinned to herself, "I hope it’s Wilbur." She then frowned. "Was that me or Pinkie thinking that?" She entered without knocking and trotted upstairs, hoping to find the items before any of the actual staff could stop her.

"Stupid rabbit with its stupid orders." she muttered to herself as she went. "I can't believe I'm doing this. The day I take orders from talking rodents would just have to be the day I lose my mind! Is this what Fluttershy has to put up with all the time?"

She finally found a room which, upon a table, were some pairs of gloves and a fan. She picked up the fan and a pair of gloves, and was about to leave when she noticed a small bottle by the mirror. There wasn't a label this time but the bottle looked just like the one on the glass table in the hall. She picked it up and looked at it critically.

"Is it wrong that I want to drink this just to see what happens?"

Cursing her curiosity she put the bottle to her lips and started to drink. The effect was instantaneous, before she had drank half the bottle her horn was scraping the ceiling.

She stopped drinking, and hastily put the bottle down. "So...a growth potion. Would've been useful if it hadn't trapped me in this room."

Unfortunately though, even if she had stopped drinking she continued to grow until she effectively filled the room. To make extra room for herself, she lay down with a foreleg sticking out the window and one of her rear legs stuck up the chimney.

"Ooh, what have I done?" she said before nervously chewing on her bottom lip. She had stopped growing, thankfully, but she was still stuck in the rather cramped room. "Note to self; never follow talking animals anywhere!"

She lay there for a while, cursing herself and her curiosity; and talking animals and being Pinkie Pie. A voice eventually broke through her fugue of misery and self-pity.

"Mary Ann? How long does it take to get a pair of gloves, and fan? I'll tell you now that it shouldn't take this long."

The rabbit started walking upstairs, looking for her. She started to shake, her paranoid fear of getting into trouble kicking right in. The idea that the rabbit was probably smaller than one of her hooves, and therefore unworthy of her fear, never crossed her mind.

Angel rattled the door, trying to open it, but one of her elbows was firmly pressed against it. When that proved a failure she heard it say to itself "No door's going to beat this rabbit! I'll go through the window instead!"

"Really?" Twilight thought to herself, "I thought getting beaten by doors would be a common thing around here."

She waited until she could hear Angel outside the window before she swung her hoof at him. There was a yell and a crash of broken glass.

"Sorry! I didn't know there was glass down there...sorry."

In an angry voice, Angel yelled "Pat! Pat! Where are you?" It was followed by a voice that she hadn't heard before.

"Diggin' fer apples yer'onour!"

"Digging for app-, how the heck are you digging for apples!? Ugh, nevermind. Gimme a hand out of this glass filled deathtrap."

Twilight could hear the sounds of broken glass moving around. "Sorry," she muttered again.

"Now tell me Pat," said the rabbit "What...is that?"

"It's an 'oof, yer'onour!"

"You think I can't tell that? It’s just...it’s...huge! It’s filling the whole window!"

"It sure is, yer'onour. But it’s still an 'oof for all that."

"Well it don't belong there! Get rid of it!"

There was long silence after that exchange and Twilight could only hear the occasional whisper; such as "Sure I don't like it yer'onour, at all." "Don't be such a wimp, you wimp!" She made another swing with her hoof and this time there were two yells and the sound of more glass breaking.

"Oh. Yeah, right. The whole glass…thing. Sorry!" she sighed and thought to herself, "This blows!"

She waited for a while in silence until she heard the rumbling of cart wheels, and the sound of many different voices. "Where's the other ladder? - Why I hadn't to bring but one. Bill's got the other - Bill! Fetch that ladder here, lad! - Here put them up at this corner - No, tie them together first - they don't reach half high enough yet - oh they'll do well enough. Don't be particular - here Bill! Catch hold of this rope - will the roof bear? - Mind that loose slate - Oh, it’s coming down! Heads below!" There was a crash - "Now who did that? - It was Bill I fancy - Who's to go down the chimney? - Nay, I shan't! You do it! - That I won't, then! - Bill's got to go down the chimney - Here Bill! The master says you got to go down the chimney!"

There was a little squeak then that, to Twilight, sounded oddly familiar. She twisted around as much as she could and looked out of the window. Amongst the various talking animals, there seemed to be a small lizard that everyone was surrounding. The lizard was yellow, with a pink crest.

"B-but I don't want to go down the chimney!" It’s so high! And the chimney is so d-dark and narrow..."

Twilight blinked, dumbfounded. The lizard, Bill, sounded just like Fluttershy.

"Don't care if yer scared Bill. The master says you gots to go down the chimney. So get up there and get down that chimney!"

"B-but...but..." Bill took in a deep breath and sighed. "Well, if I really have to."

Twilight looked back into the room at the chimney. There was no way Bill was going to get in with her hoof stuck in it. "I am so sorry about this Bill."

She drew her hoof back down the chimney as far as she could and waited until she could hear scrabbling from by her hoof in the chimney. "Sorry Bill." she said quietly before giving a kick.

The first sound she heard was several voices saying something along the lines of "There goes Bill!" followed by Angels voice. "Dayyyuuummm! How high do ya think that is? Uh, someone better catch him!" There was silence followed by something about brandy. "What happened Bill? Tell us!"

Then came Flutters- Bill's feeble voice. "I-I'm not sure. It was all dark and scary and then something kicked me and-and then I sort of fainted. How'd I even get out here?"

"You flew old fellow!"

"I what! I flew? I...I...Ooh..."

"Bill? Can ya hear me feller?"

"He's fainted again!" said Angel. "There's nothing for it. We'll have to burn the house down. Which kinda sucks 'cause all my stuff's in there."

Twilight started to panic. "Uh, no! No burning! Burning would be bad!" she shouted.

There was silence from outside. "Why can't they take the roof off so I could just get out of here!?"

After a minute or two more noises came from outside and Twilight heard Angel say "Just shove a whole load in!"

"A whole load of what?" thought Twilight to herself shortly before getting hit in the face by a load of pebbles. "Hey! Watch it!" Her shout was followed by more silence. She then noticed that the pebbles were turning into cupcakes as they sat on the floor.

"Oh great! More unpredictable food!" She shoved a hoof-full into her mouth and chewed and swallowed as fast as possible. She was pleased to find herself rapidly shrinking until she was small enough to exit the room and the house.

She ran out into a crowd of animals and birds. Bill was there too, held up by two guinea-pigs who were trying to get him to come around.

"Um...hi." She didn't get a polite response. Instead all the animals rushed at her making her gallop away as fast as possible until she was in a wood and away from her pursuers.

"Gah! This place is crazy!" She started to make a mental list. "Step one: get back to normal size. Step two: get out of here!" It was a short list, yet sensible, and to the point. The problem was that applying logic and sense to this place was like trying to put a burning house out by burning down the house next to it. She shuddered, "No burning house analogies, especially when they don't even make sense."

While she was pondering her predicament she failed to notice she was being followed until a short, sharp bark made her look. It was an enormous puppy. An enormous purple and green puppy. "Spike?" The puppy reached out a paw as if to touch her. It barked again. "Ok then, probably not Spike. Um...please don't eat me?"

The puppy looked at her quizzically. Without really thinking about it Twilight felt about with her magic until she found a stick that was quite a bit bigger than her. The puppy seemed thrilled by this and started barking and growling at the stick, trying to worry it.

In an attempt to not add 'survive getting flattened by a giant puppy' onto her list she hid behind a thistle while keeping the Spike-puppy distracted with the stick. She changed sides, causing the puppy to suddenly change direction and fall over its own paws. Twilight giggled, if it wasn't for the ever present threat of being flattened it was almost like playing fetch with a real puppy. The fact was it was also like playing fetch with a real dragon too. Not that Spike isn't a real dragon, even when he's a dog, and he's not even here so I can probably stop this monologue.

She kept teasing the puppy until it sat down, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth and its eyes half lidded. Sensing her opportunity she threw the stick before galloping off in the opposite direction until she could no longer hear the puppy.

"Why is it that the animals unexpectedly talk but the things I expect to talk don’t? Is a little consistency too much to ask for? Oh well, I got to see spike as a puppy. He was kind of cute if extremely hazardous to my health." She wandered on for a while. "I guess I ought to figure out how to get big again. If things followed predictable patterns that'd be easy. Is there a fan that could make me grow, or do I need the opposite of a fan? Whatever that might be..."

As she walked along, being annoyed by how unfair everything was, she didn't notice the giant mushroom until she walked into it, her horn sticking into its fleshy underside.

"Ewwww!" she moaned as she tried to scrape mushroom gunk out of the twists in her horn. She stopped and sniffed. "What is that smell?"

Rearing up, she looked on top of the mushroom. Sat atop it, smoking a hookah, was a blue caterpillar. Or at least at first glance it appeared to be a caterpillar.

Advice from a caterpillar

"Greetings Twilight!"

Twilight stared, her mouth hanging open and her brain un-comprehending. "Discord?" she asked weakly.

"Well there's no need to look at me like that, just because I've picked up some superfluous limbs and turned blue."

"Buh...buh...lo's legs...blue...smoking?"

"Well yes, everyone needs a hobby. As for the legs and coloration I'm currently playing the role of the Blue Caterpillar."

Twilight shook her head in an attempt to disperse the errant thoughts crowding her mind. "But why? Why are you here as a blue caterpillar?"

"You mean you don't know? Little miss smarty-corn?" he said before tapping her on the horn. "Then I don't know why you expect me to know. I'm just a caterpillar."

"But I might not be a 'smarty-corn'. I might not be me at all."

Discord looked serious for a moment before snorting into laughter. "Oh that's too good! You of all ponies don't know who you are? Seems that song that Celly and the others sang was as worthless as I thought it was."

"What!? No! I mean I might not be me, as in not Twilight!" Twilight stared at Discord with as serious a face as she could muster. Discord on the other hoof just grinned at her.

"Then who are you, dear Twilight?"

Twilight looked at the ground. Of all the people she had to admit this to it had to be Discord. "There's a small chance, that is to say possibility, that I could, maybe, be...Pinkie," she muttered.

"I'm sorry, what was that Twilight? You kind of mumbled there."

"I might be Pinkie..."

"Come again?"

"I'M PINKIE!" Twilight shouted. "I might be Pinkie okay!"

Discord raised his eyebrow at this. "You think you're Pinkie..." Twilight could see him shaking with supressed laughter. "So should I call you Twilight Diane Pie, or Pinkamena Sparkle?" He finally broke down into a series of guffaws.

"Ugh, you know what; forget it. I should have known better than expect you to be helpful," she said before starting to walk away.

"Wait Twinkie Sparklepie! I've got something important to tell you!"

"Twinkie Sparklepie? You call me that and expect me to take you seriously?"

Discord managed to finally reign in his laughter. "Sometimes Twilight I get the feeling you don't know me very well. And yes I have something important to tell you."

"And what might that be?"

"Keep your temper."

Twilight ground her teeth. "Keep my temper... Keep my temper! That's your important thing to say! I-I... You know what, forget it. See you around Discord."

"Oh come now, Pinklight Pie-kle, that's hardly all I got to say. I mean, come on, it’s me." Discord took a few puffs of his hookah, blowing smoke into complex geometric patterns that could bend the mind if looked at too closely. Finally he got the hint to continue speaking when Twilight threatened to cut the mushroom down while he was sat on it.

"So why do you think you're Pinkie?"

"Well firstly I'm in some strange mystical place where nothing makes sense. Sounds an awful lot like the inside of Pinkies head. Secondly, everything I remember seems wrong and mixed up. And thirdly, when I tried to recite a poem it came out like something Pinkie would say! Oh, and I keep changing size, just to add to the confusion."

Discord looked at her sceptically for a moment. "That hardly seems like proof your Pinkie but I'll humour you. Repeat the poem 'You are old'."

Twilight sat down and gave Discord a funny look before starting.

"You are old, Granny Smith," the young buck said, "
And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Granny Smith replied to the buck,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the buck, "as I mentioned before,
And have hardly an ounce of fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door-
Pray, what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the nag, as she shook her white locks, "
I kept all my limbs very supple,
By the use of this ointment-one bit to the box-
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the buck, "and your jaws are too weak,
For anything tougher than porridge;
Yet you finished a feast, with beets and with hay-
How you do it, pray give me knowledge."

"In my youth," said the mare, "I was a rebel,
And argued my parents to strife;
And the muscular strength it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the buck, "One would hardly suppose,
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said the mare. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll buck you down-stairs!"

"That was wonderful!" Discord proclaimed clapping his numerous hands together.

"THAT, was nonsense! Do you see why I'm all confused now."

"Oh don't be such a drag! So you got a poem wrong, big deal. Doesn't mean you're Pinkie. But I guess you'll find out one way or the other soon enough."

"Oh that's a relief, I thought you were going to be helpful for once."

"It could happen. I do believe you want to get bigger, and I may just have a solution for you."

Hope bloomed in Twilight's eyes. "Really! Because that'd be great. Being this small sucks!"

Discord raised an eyebrow. "You know, if I was actually a caterpillar I'd probably be really offended at that remark. Anyway, here's the deal; you eat one side, you get taller. The other makes you shorter."

"One side? One side of what?"

Discord walked, (or crawled. Twilight wasn't sure how to describe it), off his fungal throne before giving the mushroom a pat. "One side of the mushroom Twilight; its magical y'know," he said before giving Twilight a suggestive grin. "Anyhoo I'm off. Things to do, places to go. You know how it is." He started to saunter off.

"Discord, wait! Do you know where we are?"

"I have no idea what this particular wonderland is called. But it is wonderfully chaotic here, I'm thinking of buying a summer house. Ciao darling!" He disappeared with a flash and a 'ribbit'.

Twilight turned back to the mushroom. "Right, so one side makes me bigger, and the other makes me...wait. Which side is which? I-Ugh, dammit Discord, I thought you seemed too helpful."

Using her magic she broke a chunk off both sides of the mushroom and took an experimental nibble of the piece from the right. She was very surprised when her chin hit her hoof as she rapidly shrank.

Obviously this was not what she wanted and desperately took a bite of the other piece of mushroom.

-0-0-0-

"Well this is a whole new kind of weird. Thanks a bunch Discord." Twilight, or at least her head, was now towering over the top of the trees she was standing amongst. All she could see if she looked down was a floor of green and the immense length of her own neck.

She waved a hoof but although she could feel the motion, she couldn't see it. She bent her neck to get a better look and was delighted to find, considering the circumstances, that her lengthy neck was totally prehensile and could bend in any direction.

She was moving her head amongst the treetops, trying to find her body, which is an odd sentence to say in any situation, when a sharp hiss and a cry of "The horror! The horror!" made her flinch and pull back. A large cream and maroon coloured pigeon had flown into her face, and was beating her violently with its wings.

"Serpent!" screamed the pigeon.

"I'm not a serpent! I hate snakes!" shouted Twilight "Get off of me!"

"Serpent, I say again! Oh the horror!" said the pigeon, but in a more subdued tone, and added, with a kind of sob, "I've tried every way, but nothing seems to suit them!"

Twilight went silent for a moment as she observed the flustered bird. "Nope, I have no idea what you’re on about."

"I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried hedges," the pigeon went on, without listening; "but those serpents! There's no pleasing them! The horror!"

"Why do you keep saying ‘the horror?'" Twilight really didn't need this but kept listening out of politeness.

"As if it wasn't enough trouble hatching the eggs," said the pigeon, oblivious to Twilight's increasingly annoyed look; "but I must be on the lookout for serpents, night and day! Why I haven't had a wink of sleep in three weeks!"

Realisation dawned on Twilight. "I'm very sorry to hear that, I mean, I go pretty batty after just a few days without sleep."

"And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood," continued the pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, "and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, horror of horrors, they come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, serpent!"

"If you think I'm a serpent, why are you telling me this?" The pigeon cooed and gave a shrug. "Anyway, for your information I'm not a serpent. I'm just having a bit of an excessive neck problem."

"Well if you’re not a serpent, what are you?" the pigeon demanded.

"I'm a pony. I'm not sure which pony, but I'm definitely a pony, or at least I was when I last checked."

"A pony," the pigeon deadpanned. "I've seen a few ponies in my time and plenty have had long faces but not long necks! No, you’re a serpent, and there's no use in denying it. I suppose next you'll tell me you've never tasted an egg!"

"Uh...well, yes I have tasted eggs," Twilight admitted awkwardly; "they are a staple in the Equestrian ponies diet."

"Well then, Equestrian ponies are all serpents as far as I'm concerned." Twilight was silent as the stupidity of that statement stunned her. "You’re looking for eggs, I know that well enough. What does it matter to me if you’re a pony or a serpent?"

"It matters to me," said Twilight; "but I'm not looking for eggs, as it happens. Breakfast was hours ago." She gave the pigeon a malicious grin.

"Well be off then!" said the pigeon sulkily, as it settled back onto its nest. Twilight did so, leaving the pigeon to mutter "The horror! The horror!" to itself.

Twilight wound herself down through the trees, taking care to not entangle herself too much. Once she was down to near ground level she picked the pieces of mushroom up from where she dropped them and carefully set to work, nibbling first one, then the other, growing both shorter and taller, until she felt she was the right height.

It was so good to be the right height again that she couldn't resist doing a little hoofy-dance in celebration.

Of course she had no real plan, other than to get home so she didn't have any other option than to pick a direction and go. First though she found some leaves and used a transformation spell to turn it into a small bag, which she hung around her neck. She then placed the remainder of the mushroom in the bag, figuring it would more than likely be useful later.

It was good thinking because soon after she set off she found an open space, with a little house in it, about four feet high. Feeling proud for thinking ahead she nibbled on the mushroom until she was just the right height to enter the house.

Pig and pepper

Twilight stood staring at the house, wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the woods, (or at least she thought he was a footman because he was dressed in livery; otherwise, judging by his face alone, she would have called him a fish. She was purposely avoiding thinking of why a fish had legs and was running; some things just didn't need to be thought about lest the brain explode).

The fishy footman knocked at the door. It was opened by another footman in livery, who just so happened to be a sort of familiar looking toothless alligator. Being the nosy sort, Twilight crept closer so she could eavesdrop.

The fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, almost as large as himself, and handed it over to the other footman, saying, in a solemn tone, "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet." The Gummy footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, "From the Queen. An invitathon for the Dutheth to play croquet."

Then they both bowed low, and the curls of their powdered wigs got entangled, making Twilight smirk in amusement at that, and at the alligator’s speech. Apparently having no teeth could give you quite the lisp. She sat there watching the two disentangle themselves, and followed the fish footman with her eyes, as he ran back the way he came. The Gummy footman was sitting on the ground near the door and was staring stupidly up into the sky.

Twilight trotted timidly up to the door, and knocked. She then jumped a couple of feet into the air when Gummy spoke to her.
"There'th no thort of uthe in knocking," he said, "and that'th for two reathonth. Firtht, becauthe I'm on the thame thide of the door ath you are. Thecondly, becauthe they're making thuch a noithe inthide, no one could pothibly hear you."

Twilight twitched her ears. There did seem to be an excess of noise coming from within; a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a crash, as if some sort of ceramic kitchenware had been smashed. "So..." asked Twilight, "am I supposed to just walk in? Because that seems a bit rude, even for this place."

The vacantly staring Gummy footman, didn't pay her any attention and went on with his monologue. "There might be thome uthe in your knocking if we had the door between uth. For inthtanthe, if you were inthide, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know."

As he talked, he kept on staring at the sky, even when she waved her hoof in front of his eyes. "You, would never get a job in Canterlot, I can assure you," she said half to the footman and half to herself. "So should I just walk in?" she asked him.

"I shall thit here," he continued, "'til tomorrow-"

At that moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out, straight at the footman's head. It just grazed the top of his head, and shattered against one of the trees behind him.

"-or the nextht day maybe," he continued, like nothing had happened.

Twilight stared for a moment, shocked, before shaking her head and asking, "How am I supposed to get in?"

"Are you to get in at all?" said the footman. "That's the firtht quethtion."

Twilight huffed for a bit. She could, she told herself, just walk in and see what happened. But she really didn't want to annoy the alligator that was bigger than her, even if he was toothless. "I'm going to have an aneurysm before today's over, aren't I?"

The footman seemed to think this was a good opportunity for repeating his remark, but with variations. "I thall thit here," he said, "on and off for dayth and dayth."

"But what about me? What am I supposed to do!?" asked Twilight.

"Anything you like," was the footman's reply, before he started whistling. Or at least attempted to whistle.

"Argh!" Twilight started banging her head on the door. "Why me? *thud* Why me? *thud* Why m- waah!" The door opened as she was head-butting it, and she fell in, smacking her face on the floor.

She stood up groggily and rubbed her head before sneezing violently. She looked around, finding herself in a kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other. The smoke was coming from a fire, on which sat a large cauldron. Tending the cauldron was a pony she didn't really recognise. The rooms other occupants were a large, grinning cat. A screaming, sneezing foal, and-

"Rarity! Thank Celestia it's good to see you!" Rarity didn't even look at her. "Rarity? Can you hear me?" Twilight sneezed again. "Ugh, what is with all this pepper? And why does that cat keep grinning at me!?"

"Because it's a Cheshire cat," Rarity said suddenly, making Twilight jump; "that's why. Pig!"

That last word was spoken with such violence that Twilight folded her ears and winced. Fortunately, she saw it was addressed to the foal and not her, because she was going to have words, otherwise.

Twilight coughed politely. "I didn't know that Cheshire cats could grin. In fact, I didn't know that cats could grin. Look smug, sure, but not grin."

"They all can," said Rarity;" and most of them do."

"I don't know of any species of cat that could grin," said Twilight. This was not a conversation she was expecting to have.

"Then you don't know much, and that's a fact."

Twilight was about to defend herself, claiming that Princess Celestia did not pick the ignorant to be her students; but gave up, figuring it was pointless. She started another attempt at conversation when the cook took the cauldron off the fire, and started to fling everything within reach at the Duchess and the foal. The fire irons came first, followed by a shower of saucepans, plates and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them, even when they hit her; and the foal was howling so much already, Twilight couldn't tell whether the blows hurt it or not.

"Geez lady, are you crazy!" Twilight shouted as she dodged the incoming projectiles.

"If everybody minded their own business," Rarity said in a hoarse growl, "the world would go round a good deal faster than it does."

"What? No it wouldn't!" Twilight exclaimed, feeling incensed by the ignorance of this place's inhabitants. "The day is dictated by the rising of the sun and the moon. Princesses Celestia and Luna have to keep to a strict schedule, the variations of which are dictated by the rotating of the world upon its axis-."

"Talking of axes," Rarity said, "chop off her head!"

Twilight looked at the cook to see if she was going to obey her mistress, but thankfully she continued making her overly peppered soup and appeared not to notice. "Is everyone so tetchy here? I was only trying to explain the celestial calendar and its effect over the period of each twenty four hours."

"Oh don't bother me!" said Rarity. "I never could abide figures!" And with that she began nursing her foal, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line.

"Speak roughly to your little filly,
And beat her when she sneezes;
She only does it to annoy,
Because she knows it teases."

Chorus (in which the cook and the foal joined, Twilight just stared on in horror) - "Wow! Wow! Wow!"

While the Duchess Rarity sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the foal violently up and down, and the poor thing howled so, that Twilight could hardly hear the words.

"I speak severely to my filly,
And beat her when she sneezes;
For she can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when she pleases!"

Chorus "Wow! Wow! Wow!"

Twilight was horrified. "Was that actually a song about beating foals!? What is wrong with you!?"

"Here! You may nurse it a bit if you like!" said the Duchess, flinging the foal at Twilight. "I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen," and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying pan after her as she went, but it just missed to Twilight's silent disappointment.

Twilight had managed to catch the foal in her magic before it hit the floor, but was barely managing to hold onto it. Its legs stuck out in all directions just like a starfish. The poor thing was snorting like the Friendship Express, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again. Overall the effect was like trying to hold a greased eel between your hooves; how it was slipping out of her magic so easily was...weird.

She gave up trying to hold onto the foal and settled for keeping it enclosed in a bubble, letting it do as it wished as she took it outside. Now she had the foal she took a closer look at it. It was a white unicorn filly, with a two tone pink and lavender mane. There was no denying it, it was Sweetie Belle, although why she was a foal and why the Duchess Rarity seemed to be her mother was beyond Twilight's comprehension.

"It's like that weird rumour that AppleJack is actually AppleBlooms mother, but Rarified. Anyway, let’s get you to foal services, or at least the nearest equivalent this place has."

Sweetie Belle grunted in an in-equine manner causing Twilight to pause and take a look at her. Her muzzle did seem rather flat at the end, and her eyes seem to be smaller than they should be.

"What is going on here?" Twilight asked out loud as Sweetie continued grunting and snuffling. "You’re not seriously turning into a pig are you? That's not right!" She walked on for a bit, the Sweetie pig still safely ensconced in its bubble. "Ooh, what am I going to do? I broke Sweetie Belle!"

Sweetie was definitely a pig now, complete with curly tail and trotters. Feeling ridiculous carrying a pig around, even above how weird this situation was; she released it from its bubble and watched it trot off into the woods.

"I never saw it. I wasn't there. And if I was there I was asleep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

"That's a funny story to stick to."

"Gah!" shouted Twilight, almost falling over in shock. She looked around, desperately trying to find who said that.

"Up here, in the tree Twilight." Twilight looked up into the tree where the Duchess's cheshire cat sat, grinning at her. "Hello," he said when she finally spotted him. "I see the mushroom worked out well for you."

"Discord?" Twilight said disbelievingly. "You’re a cat now?"

"Well yes. I said I had places to go and things to do, and be here as a cat so happened to be those things. Besides, I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"What, being a caterpillar not good enough for you now?"

"Well you know what they say. Variety is the spice of life. And I do like things spicy."

Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head. "So still feeling helpful? Because I'd love to know where to go from here."

"That depends," said Discord with a grin, "Where do you want to go?"

"Home." said Twilight flatly.

"Uh, well...no. I can't help you there."

"In that case I don't care where,-"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

"-so long as I get somewhere."

Discord raised an eyebrow. "Are you actually inviting sarcasm? Because I could point in literally any direction and all of them would take you 'somewhere.'"

Twilight just looked up at him, her eyes large and dewy. There was also a cute little pout. Despite the fur Discord started to sweat.

"Ugh, confound you Fluttershy for giving me a weakness to puppy-eyes. Fine, listen up Twinkie because I'm only doing this once. In that direction," he said, pointing a claw to the right, "lives a hatter." He pointed in another direction. "In that direction lives a March Hare. Visit either you like, they’re both mad."

"Mad compared to you? Or mad for this place’s standards?"

Discord raised a claw, "..." he said before lowering it slowly. "That was unkind, especially after I've been so very kind to you." he said with a sniff. "Besides, we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"And how do you know I'm mad?"

"For starters you think you might be Pinkie Pie. Apart from that only mad people come here."

"And you think you're mad because?"

"To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?"

"Uh...no. You said everything here is mad. So a dog here would have to be mad by default."

"I-I...me...I...uh." Discord fell silent for a moment. "Must you make everything so difficult? I spent ages working on that explanation and you ruined it in seconds!"

"Living the dream Discord, living the dream."

There was several seconds of awkward silence before Discord mumbled "Are you going to the croquet today, little miss anti-fun?"

"Well I haven't been invited, and I'm pretty sure not seeing the Duchess ever again might be good for my health."

"You'll see me there."

"As the cat? Or as something else?"

"As the cat. Being anything else would probably destroy the narrative."

"What?"

"Nothing!" he said quickly, before vanishing. A second later he was back. "Bye the bye, what became of the foal you casually walked off with? I'm supposed to ask."

Twilight sighed and looked at the floor. "It turned into a pig," she admitted quietly.

Discord snirked. "You broke Sweetie Belle?"

"I didn't break anything!"

"Doesn't matter to me, I'm only supposed to ask. Besides, I had a feeling pig-hood was that one’s destiny. Ta-ta Twilight!" he said cheerily before vanishing again.

Twilight waited, expecting him to return again. When it became apparent he wasn't returning she started trotting towards where he said the March Hare lived. "A mad hare, or a mad hatter...those are some excellent choices..." she muttered.

"Did you say 'pig', or 'fig'?" asked Discord when he suddenly appeared on a branch in front of Twilight, giving her a mild heart attack.

"Pig! And stop DOING that! You're going to give me an actual heart attack appearing and disappearing like that!"

"So sorry." he said with a grin; and this time he vanished slowly, starting with his tail, and ending with his grin, which lingered for far too long.

"I'll wipe that stupid grin off his face when I find him again!" she said in impotent anger.

She had not gone much further before she came into sight of the March Hare's house. It had to be the right house because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. Only something mad could live here she reasoned. The house was also bigger than the Duchess' house so she plucked the mushroom out of her little neck bag and set to work on making herself a little bigger.

"I hope the hare's not too mad, I'm not sure how to quantify madness for hares. I may have been better off going to the hatters."

A mad tea party

There was a table set out in front of the house, from which was coming an inordinate amount of giggling. The table’s inhabitants seemed to consist of said March Hare, a dormouse that was asleep; and a top hat that was sat on top of a curly pink mane that could only belong to one pony. Twilight thought she was that pony. Naturally this was rather upsetting.

"Hellooooooo Twilight!" shouted Pinkie, whilst waving enthusiastically.

"P-Pinkie? Buh...but what are you doing here? And why are you Pinkie? I thought I was Pinkie!"

The possibly not real Pinkie giggle-snorted. "Why would you think you're Pinkie? I mean me? I mean me if I wasn't being someone else right now?"

"You mean you’re not you?"

Pinkie thought for a moment; "Well sure I'm me, I'm always me! Even if I'm being someone else right now there's still only one Pinkie!"

"But if you’re not you right now then there's a chance I could be you. Besides you do remember the mirror pool incident right? There was definitely more than one Pinkie then."

"Omigosh your right!" Pinkie felt her face with her hooves; "I'm not the real Pinkie! I'm an imposter!"

"Aww, its okay Pinkie," said Twilight soothingly, as Pinkie started to hyperventilate. "Even if you’re not the real Pinkie you're still a really good copy. Besides there's always a chance I might not be you, in which case you can be Pinkie again."

Pinkie's breathing slowed to a more reasonable level, although she still looked slightly panicked. "I-I guess so... Well if I can't be Pinkie I'll just have to be the best darn mad-hatter ever!"

Twilight did a little hoof clap, "That's the spirit Pinki-, I mean Miss Hatter. I'm sorry I stole your you."

"It’s ok Twilight, just take good care of my me ok?"

"Ok," Twilight said, reaching over to give the hatter a hug. She might not have been the real Pinkie, but she sure hugged like her.

The March Hare had been watching this with an incredulous eye. His companion the Dormouse was still sleeping, which had probably saved it a lot of effort trying to follow that little conversation. "Would you like some wine?" he finally managed to ask Twilight.

"I would absolutely love some wine," she said; "but I don't see any."

"There isn't any," said the Hare.

"Then why would you offer it? It’s not very civil."

"It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited," the Hare said firmly.

"There's three of you here, at a table set for about thirty people. I really didn't think it'd be an issue," said Twilight indignantly.

Pinkie had been looking at Twilight critically whilst she had been talking to the Hare. "You know, if you’re going to be Pinkie you really should get a haircut. The straight look is not really her thing."

"Excuse me?" said Twilight, "That's a bit personal. I'm Pinkie; I'll decide what she should look like."

The Pinkie-hatter opened her eyes very wide on hearing this, and Twilight thought she was about to argue when instead she asked "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"I-, what? Is that supposed to be a riddle? I suppose I could have a guess..."

"Do you mean that you think you can find an answer to it?" asked the Hare.

"That is essentially what I said, yes."

"Then you should say what you mean," the Hare went on.

"I do," Twilight snapped; "at least...at least I mean what I say, that's the same thing!"

"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter imperiously. "Why, you might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same as saying 'I eat what I see!"

"You might as well say," the Hare added, "that 'I like what I get' is the same as 'I get what I like!"

"You might as well say," said the Dormouse, who appeared to be talking in its sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same as 'I sleep when I breath'!"

"It is the same thing with you silly!" said the Hatter with a giggle. The party fell silent, the only sound being Twilight's rear hoof tapping against the table leg in annoyance. Their examples had nothing to do with what she had said.

Naturally Pinkie was the first to break the silence. "What day of the month is it?" she asked. She had taken a pocket watch out of the jacket she was wearing and was looking at it uneasily, giving it the occasional shake and holding it to her ear.

Twilight thought for a moment. "Well I don't know if you use the same calendar here, but it was the fourth when I left Equestria."

"Two days wrong!" sighed Pinkie. "I told you butter was probably a bad idea!" she said, looking angrily at the Hare.

"It was your idea!" said the Hare. "Besides, we used the best butter," he added meekly.

"Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well," Pinkie grumbled; "you shouldn't have used the bread knife."

The Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily before dipping it into her cup of tea and looking at it again. "You used the bread knife and you put the butter in, besides, it was the best butter you know."

Twilight looked over at the watch with some curiosity. "Well that's a dull watch." she remarked. "It tells the day of the month, but not the time."

"Why should it?" asked Pinkie, with a hint of finality. "Does your watch tell you what year it is?"

"Nope," replied Twilight cheerily; "I don't even own a watch!"

"Really?" asked Pinkie, surprised. "All that fancy, shiny stuff in the library and you don't even own a watch?"

"Sure, I used to have a watch with all the fancy, shiny stuff I used to own in the library I used to live in before it got blown to smithereens!"

"Oh yeah...right. Sorry."

"It’s fine. Why are you so interested in the time anyway?"

Pinkie seemed to ignore her. "The Dormouse is asleep again," she said before pouring a little hot tea on its nose.

The dormouse snorted and shook its head and said, without opening its eyes, "Of course, just what I was going to remark myself."

"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" Pinkie suddenly asked, throwing yet another tangent into the conversation.

"No. To be honest I haven't even been thinking about it."

"No problem Twilight," said Pinkie, earnestly; "I couldn't tell you if you were right or wrong anyway, since none of us know the answer."

Twilight sighed. "Don't you think your time might be better spent on something productive, rather than wasting it on asking riddles with no answer?"

"If you knew Time as well as I do," said Pinkie with a sigh, "you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It’s him."

"Him?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Of course you don't!" said Pinkie, tossing her head contemptuously. "I dare say you've never even spoke to Time!"

"Well of course I haven't! Why would I talk to a concept?"

"Well no wonder then," said Pinkie; "he hates being ignored. Now if only you had been nice to him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, say it was nine in the morning, all early and boring, and you had an awesome party planned for the afternoon. All you'd have to do was whisper a hint to Time and round the clock goes in a twinkling to party time!"

"You say that like it’s a good thing," the Hare muttered to itself.

"Ok...sure." Twilight said, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "But I've only just got up so I might not want a party so soon."

"And you call yourself Pinkie..." the other Pinkie said, squinting her eyes at Twilight.” Anyway, once it’s party time you could keep it as party time as long as you wanted, so the party's still going when you do want it."

"Is that what happened here?"

"Nope! Although that is a super awesome idea! No, our tea party was come upon by different means. Time and I had an itsy-bitsy falling out last march - just before he went mad, you know" (pointing a hoof at the March Hare,) "it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing

"'Twinkle, twinkle little bat! How I wonder what you’re at!'"

"You know the song I mean right?"

"Uhh...sort of." said Twilight.

"It goes on," Pinkie continued, "like this;

'Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle-'"

Now the dormouse shook and started singing in its sleep, "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle-" and went on so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop.

"Well, I hadn't even finished the first verse," Pinkie continued, "when that meany Queeny cries out 'She's murdering the time! Off with her head!'"

"Bit of an overreaction there I think," said Twilight.

"And ever since that," Pinkie continued, "he won't do a think I ask! It’s always six o'clock now."

Twilight got a funny feeling. "Is that the reason there’s so many tea things are out here?" she asked.

"Sure is!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It’s the eternal party! And it’s AWESOME!" she shouted, "apart from one teeny tiny problem. We don't have time to go and wash the plates and stuff so everything is getting a little bit icky."

"So you just keep moving around, I suppose?" Twilight asked.

"Exactly!" Pinkie said in agreement.

"But what happens when you come to the beginning again? And why isn't all the food going off?" Twilight asked suspiciously.

"Suppose we change the subject," the March Hare interrupted, denying Twilight her answers; "I'm getting tired of this. I vote the purple pony tells us a story."

"I'm afraid I don't know many stories off the top of my head. If I had my books I could tell you any number of stories."

"Still think you're Pinkie, huh?" Pinkie muttered darkly, before saying with the March Hare, "Then the Dormouse shall! Wake up Dormouse!" they shouted before pinching it on both sides.

The Dormouse slowly opened its eyes. "I wasn't asleep," it said in a hoarse, feeble voice; "I heard every word you were saying."

"Tell us a story!" said the March Hare.

Twilight said nothing but did pout slightly while rolling her eyes.

"And make it snappy," Pinkie said, "or you'll be asleep again before your fin-ished," she sang.

"Once upon a time there were three little sisters," the Dormouse began in a great hurry; "and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well-"

"What did they live on?" asked Twilight who was in the mood to poke holes in this intricate plotline wherever she could.

"They lived on treacle," said the Dormouse, after thinking for a minute or two.

"That's impossible, apart from the lack of adequate nutrition and the exorbitant dental costs, they'd be ill practically all the time."

"And so they were," said the Dormouse, "very ill."

Twilight really didn't know what to make of this story. It had only just started and it was already annoying her with its blatant idiocy. "Why did they live at the bottom of the well?" she asked.

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said.

"I haven't had any tea at all yet," Twilight said, her eyes half lidded; "so I can hardly take more."

"You mean you can't take less," said Pinkie, "it’s like really easy to have more than nothing."

"Nobody asked for your opinion."

"Hah!" shouted Pinkie triumphantly, "Now who's being personal."

Twilight locked eyes with Pinkie as she used her magic to slowly butter a piece of bread and ate it, smiling on the inside as Pinkie started to sweat, trying to match her stare. Pinkie finally folded and blinked making Twilight smile in silent victory. Eventually she turned to the Dormouse and asked again, "Why did they live at the bottom of a well?"

The Dormouse took a minute to think and finally said, "It was a treacle well," which didn't answer Twilight's question at all.

"There is no such thing as a treacle well!" Twilight started angrily, but Pinkie and the hare went "Shh!" at her, allowing the Dormouse to sulkily remark "If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself."

"Oh, I can be civil. I can be so very, very civil," Twilight said through gritted teeth. "Please go on, I won't interrupt you again. And for the sake of the story I will concede there may be one treacle well out there somewhere."

"One indeed!" said the Dormouse indignantly. However he consented to continue the story. "And so these three little sisters- they were learning to draw you know-"

"Draw what?" Twilight said with a huff, forgetting to not interrupt.

"Treacle," said the Dormouse without missing a beat.

"I want a clean cup," Pinkie declared; "let’s all move one place on."

Pinkie moved as she spoke, and the dormouse followed him; the march hare moved into the Dormouse’s' seat and Twilight reluctantly moved into the hares' seat. Pinkie was the only one who actually benefitted from this, and Twilight was worse off than before since the March Hare had spilled the milk jug in his plate.

Twilight sighed and waved her hoof irritably at the Dormouse. "So, where did they draw the treacle from?"

"Well duh! You can draw water out of a water well," said Pinkie, "So you can probably draw treacle out of a treacle well, hmm."

"But they were in the well!" shouted Twilight, exasperated.

"Of course they were," said the Dormouse matter-of-factly. "Well in."

"I-I...what!? Arrgh!" Twilight slammed her head on the table, covering herself with milk, not that she cared, and stayed that way as the dormouse continued the story.

"They were learning to draw," said the Dormouse with a yawn, as it was getting very sleepy; "and they drew all manner of things, everything that begins with an M-"

"Why with an M?" asked Twilight, her voice muffled since she still hadn't bothered to raise her head.

"Why not?" said the hare. Twilight said nothing although there was a sound that sounded a lot like teeth grinding.

The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time and was going off into a doze, but, on being pinched by Pinkie, it woke up again with a little shriek and went on; "-that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps and the moon, and memory, and muchness - you know you say things are 'much of a muchness' - did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness!"

"Honestly, no. I have never heard of a 'much of a muchness', let alone seen a drawing of one and I really don't think-."

"Then you shouldn't talk," said Pinkie, interrupting her.

Twilight stood up abruptly, knocking over her chair. "Right! That is it! I'm outta here! See you around Pinkie, or Hatter, or whichever you prefer." She picked a direction and started walking, not even looking back when Pinkie called to her.

"I was only trying to be a good Mad Hatter! Twilight! Wait! Come back!" Twilight ignored her and kept walking. "It was only because I wasn't allowed to be me!" There was still no reaction from Twilight. "Aww shoot..." she muttered before scuffing the dirt with a hoof. “I'll see you later!" was the last thing she shouted before she went back to help the March Hare to shove the Dormouse into the teapot.

Twilight was silently seething in rage and muttering to herself as she trotted. "Of all the ponies to tell me to think before I speak it had to be Pinkie!? I don't think she's ever thought before speaking. This is lending some serious credence to the idea I might actually be me. Whatever the case, I'm not going there again."

As she trotted she saw a door set into the side of a tree. "Why not?" was all the reasoning she felt she needed right now to just open the door and go in. She found herself back in the hallway with the multiple doors and wasted no time in grabbing the key with her magic, opening the small door, and using the mushroom to shrink to a size she could use to fit through.

Her efforts were rewarded by her emergence into the garden she saw what seemed to be a lifetime ago. She sat amongst the flower beds and fountains and enjoyed the peace for a moment.

"Well, now what do I do?"

Author's Note

The plot thickens...like well made gravy...

The Mock Turtle's story

You can't imagine how nice it is to see you again, darling!" said Rarity, or rather the Duchess, as she nuzzled Twilight affectionately.

Twilight was glad to find the Duchess in a better mood, and not singing songs about foal beating. Maybe being suffocated by superfluous pepper can make anyone cranky she thought to herself.

"If I should ever have reason to get a royal chef I hope they would know how to cook. If I even detected a hint of too much pepper I'd probably fire them!" she thought. "Actually I'd probably eat it before gently hinting there might be a touch too much pepper. Sometimes I'm really too nice."

As she was lost in her own thoughts she had kind of forgotten that the Duchess was walking beside her and was more than a little surprised when her voice intruded on her thoughts.

"You're thinking about something darling, and its making you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I'm sure I'll remember it in a moment."

"Who says it has to have a moral?" Twilight said after her heart rate had returned to a more normal level.

"Tut, tut child!" said Rarity, making Twilight fume at being called a child yet again. "Every thing's got a moral, if only you can find it." And she squeezed herself up closer to Twilight's side as she spoke.

Twilight did not like her keeping so close. Firstly because the excess of perfume she wore was enough to gag you, while still failing to hide the smell of pepper; and secondly, because she seemed to be trying her best to push Twilight over as she walked, she was that close. It was taking Twilight some effort to just walk in a straight line. Thirdly, the Duchess was a crazed foal beater, which tended to lessen Twilight's view of anyone. Out of sheer manners alone she did her best to put up with it.

"Soooo... The game seems to be going ok." Twilight said, hoping to keep the conversation on neutral topics.

"Indeed it is," said Rarity; "and the moral of that is- 'Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love that makes the world go round!'"

Twilight frowned, her insistence on logic about to cause her a lot of grief. "I don't see how that 'moral', and croquet, has any correlation at all. Besides I thought minding your own business had something to do with the world going round?"

"Ah well! It means much the same thing!" said Rarity, leaning against Twilight even harder. "And the moral of that is- 'Take care of the sense, and the sounds take care of themselves.'"

"But...but, those things aren't the same! They're practically opposites! And I don't know what to make of that last moral!"

"I dare say you’re wondering why I don't just sit on you and ride you like the pony you are," Rarity said, like ponies riding ponies was a perfectly normal thing to do. "The problem is, I'm doubtful of the temper of your serpent. Should I try the experiment?"

"Oh no," said Twilight, "that would be really dangerous! This serpent is practically rabid! He'd probably try to bite you soon as you look at him!" The serpent in question stopped grooming his mane to give Twilight a funny look.

"Very true," said Rarity; "serpents and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is- 'Birds of a feather flock together.'"

"I...what?" Twilight rubbed her head with a hoof. "Who mentioned mustard? And serpents and mustard aren't birds, and they definitely don't flock."

"Right, as usual," said Rarity; "what a clear way you have of putting things!"

"Mustard could be a mineral..." said Twilight, deliberately misleading her since she was pretty sure that the Duchess wouldn't know anyway.

"Of course it is," said Rarity, who seemed willing to agree with whatever inane statement Twilight made. "There's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is- 'The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.'"

"Oh," said Twilight lightly, "a mustard mine? Is it next door to the treacle well? Besides, I don't think morals apply to mines. That, and mustard is made from seeds."

"I quite agree with you," said Rarity, who really didn't seem to care what Twilight said, as long as she could get a moral out of it; "and the moral of that is- 'Be what you would seem to be'- or, if you'd like it put more simply- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"

"I'm pretty sure there's a contradiction in there somewhere," said Twilight, not that she had any way to be sure if there was or not.

"That's nothing to what I could say if I chose," said Rarity in a pleased tone.

"There's no need to trouble yourself to over-complicate that further, I assure you."

"Oh, don't talk about trouble!" said Rarity gaily. "I make you a present of everything I've said as yet, darling."

"Oh goody..." thought Twilight sarcastically." I doth believe my cup of nonsense already overfloweth."

"Thinking again?" asked Rarity, leaning a little harder into Twilight.

"Yes! Yes I am!" Twilight snapped. She was getting rather fed up of morals, and the Duchess. "The right to think is one I exercise freely and frequently!"

"You have just as much right to think, as pigs have to fly," said Rarity, failing to pick up on Twilight's frustration; "and the mo-"

The Duchess's voice, to Twilight's surprise, died away, even in the middle of her favourite word 'moral,' and she could feel the Duchess's body start trembling next to her. Standing in front of them, with a face like thunder, was the Queen herself.

"A fine day, your Majesty!" said Rarity in a thin, wavering voice. Twilight wisely decided to stay silent.

"Now, I give you fair warning," said Cadence, stomping a hoof on the ground as she spoke; "either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!"

The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment, much to Twilight's silent relief.

"Let's go on with the game," Cadence said to Twilight, the fear of death making Twilight obey in no short order.

The other guests, as well as their balls and mallets, had taken advantage of the delay to have a rest in the shade. However, the moment they saw the Queen, they hurried back to the game, Cadence merely remarking 'Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Get back to the game, or a ball your head shall make!'

All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting "Off with his head!" or "Off with her head!" Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so by the end of half an hour or so, there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, Queen, and Twilight, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Twilight "Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?"

"No," said Twilight. "Why would I want to see a fake turtle?"

"A mock turtle is the thing mock turtle soup is made from."

"Turtle soup? But...but...we're vegetarians!"

Cadence looked at Twilight sternly. "I never said it was a popular dish. Come along and he shall tell you his history."

"Oh good," Twilight thought to herself, "another pointless history lesson." As they walked off, Twilight heard the King say in a low voice to everyone, "You are all pardoned." Twilight smiled to herself. She knew her BBBFF wouldn't just let all those people die without trying to do something.

Soon she and Cadence came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun. It looked familiar to Twilight but at the moment she couldn't put a hoof on why.

"Up, lazy thing!" said Cadence, "and take this young mare to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered," and she walked off, leaving Twilight alone with the Gryphon. The gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes. Then it scowled at the Queen as it watched her walk out of sight.

"Pfft, as if," it said once she was gone. It pointed a claw down to a beach. "Mock Turtle's that way. Enjoy."

'Gilda,' the name just popped into Twilight's head. Apparently this version of her was as surly as her other worldly counterpart. "Y'know, if the Queen was to come back and find you sleeping here I'd bet she'd be pretty upset. It might put her into a beheading mood if y'know what I mean."

The Gryphon rolled its eyes. "Yeah, right. No one ever gets beheaded; it’s all a load of rubbish. That pansy King keeps pardoning everyone."

Twilight sat and tapped a hoof on her chin. "And yet they have an executioner, I wonder why if no one ever dies. I guess some one must get executed sometimes, like for example, lazy servitors."

"You’re not going to leave me alone are you?" Twilight shook her head. "Ugh, fine. Come on." Twilight did so, but not without puzzling over why she kept blindly following others around in this place.

They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock. It wasn't hard to spot him since he appeared to be a rather large minotaur. A rather large minotaur wearing a shell around his torso. As they came nearer, Twilight could hear him sighing as if his heart would break.

"Why's he so sad?"

"Pfft, he's just a drama queen, ignore it." They walked up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with eyes full of tears, but said nothing. "This little dweeb of a pony," said Gilda, "has forcibly dragged me here, by order of the Queen, to hear your history. Please make it as painless as possible."

"Mock Turtle will tell her Mock Turtle's history," the Mock Turtle said in a loud, yet deep voice. "Now sit down and shut up until I've finished!"

Both Twilight's and Gilda's rumps dropped to the floor, obeying out of primal terror. No one, including the Mock Turtle said anything for several minutes. Twilight sighed internally, "This is going to take a really long time isn't it," she thought.

"Once," said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, "I was a real turtle."

These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by the occasional sound of Gilda absently scraping her talons on the rocks, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Twilight almost wanted to clap, but her fear of upsetting the giant minotaur kept her mute.

"When we were little," the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though he still sobbed a little now and then, "we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle- We used to call him Tortoise."

"But he if wasn't a tortoise, why would you call him that?" Twilight asked.

"Mock Turtle called him Tortoise because he taught us!" the Mock Turtle said angrily. "You are a dumb little pony!"

"Pshah! How could you be, like, so stupid," said Gilda before she and the Mock Turtle stared at Twilight, who just wanted the earth to hurry up and swallow her. At last Gilda said to the Mock Turtle "Get on with it Mock. Some of us have important things to get back and avoid doing."

"Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mightn't believe it-"

"I never said I didn't!" said Twilight defensively.

"Mock Turtle swears you did!"

"Shut up, dweeb." said Gilda, smacking Twilight on the back of her head with a claw before she could speak. The Mock Turtle went on.

"We had the best of educations; in fact, we went to school every day-"

"You say that like that's abnormal. We've all been to school."

"With extras?" asked the Mock Turtle, a little anxiously.

"Of course," said Twilight, preparing for a little self-aggrandizement, "I was Princess Celestia’s personal student, I had to learn many things including magical theory, and advanced thaumaturgy."

"And washing?" asked the Mock Turtle.

"What? Why would anyone need to learn that?" asked Twilight, perplexed.

"Hah! Then yours was a rubbish school!" said the Mock Turtle in ear splitting jubilation. "Now, at ours, they had, at the end of the bill, languages, music, and washing- extra."

"But you lived in the sea," said Twilight, always willing to poke the hornets’ nest. "Why would you need to wash?"

"I couldn't afford to learn it," said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. "Mock Turtle could only afford regular courses."

"And those were?"

"Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with. And then the different branches of Arithmetic- ambition, distraction, uglification, and Derision."

"Those sound like some...unusual maths forms, to say the least. And Uglification I've never even heard of."

Gilda snorted in, that's right, derision; she was a good mathematician. "Trust a pony to not know what uglification is. I bet the pretty, pretty pony knows what beautification is?"

"Well, yes." said Twilight. "It means to beautify things."

"Well then, if you can't work out what uglification is, you are as dumb as you look."

And Twilight thought the Hatter was rude. She'd been insulted several times and smacked round the back of the head; and she'd only been here ten minutes. Deciding to say no more on the matter she asked the Mock Turtle "What else did you have to learn?"

"Well there was mystery," the Mock Turtle replied, counting off subjects on his fingers. "Mystery, ancient and modern, with seaography, then drawling- the drawling master was an old conger eel, that used to come in once a week; he taught us drawling, stretching, and fainting in coils."

"And how does one 'faint in coils,' exactly?" Twilight asked.

"Mock Turtle cannot show you, he is too big, and stiff, and muscular! And the Gryphon never learnt it."

"Hadn't time," said Gilda. "I was too busy avoiding my classical master. He was an old crab, he was."

"Mock Turtle never learnt from him," the Mock Turtle said with a sigh. "He taught laughing and grief, they used to say."

"There was definitely more grief than laughter, that's for sure," said Gilda with a growl.

After a minutes silence Twilight tried to change the subject by asking "How much time a day did you spend on these lessons?" By her own admission it wasn't a particularly imaginative question but it served to get the conversation rolling again.

"Ten hours the first day," answered the Mock Turtle; "nine the next, and so on."

"That's a strange way of doing things," said Twilight.

"Well duh!" said Gilda. "That's why their called lessons, because they lesson from day to day."

Twilight thought for a bit. "So the eleventh day was a holiday?" she asked, fully expecting to be called stupid again, for getting it wrong.

"Of course it was," said the Mock Turtle.

Twilight was actually relieved to get it right. Feeling brave she asked "What happened on the twelfth day?"

She was denied her answer because Gilda started whining. "Can we talk about something else now? All this talking about lessons is, like, really boring."

The lobster-quadrille

The Mock Turtle sighed deeply and drew the back of one massive fist across his eyes. He looked at Twilight and tried to speak, but, for minute or two, sobs choked his voice. "Oh for goodness sake, pull yourself together," said the Gryphon, before she set about kicking, punching, and cursing him. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again.

"You may not have lived much under the sea-" ("Course not. Do I look like a sea pony to you?" said Twilight) "-and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster-" ("Sentience usually plays a part in these things, so, no.") "-so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster-Quadrille is!"

"Should I be thankful for that?" snarked Twilight before sighing. "What kind of dance is it?" she asked begrudgingly.

"First," said the Gryphon, "you form a line along the sea shore-"

"Two lines!" cried the Mock Turtle. "Seals, turtles, sea ponies, and so on-"

"Sea ponies are real!?" asked Twilight, shocked. The only response she got was to be smacked round the back of the head again by the Gryphon.

"-then," the Mock Turtle continued, "when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way-"

"Which always takes agggeeesss..." moaned the Gryphon.

"Oh, so you can interrupt, but I can't?" Twilight said, earning herself another smack.

"-you advance twice-" the Mock Turtle continued, ignoring them.

"Each with a lobster as a partner," the Gryphon droned. Clearly she was not as enthused about this as the Mock Turtle was.

"Of course," the Mock Turtle said; "advance twice, set to partners-"

"-change lobsters, and retire in the same order," the Gryphon continued, idly twirling a claw in the sand.

"Then, you know, you throw the- uh...the-"

"The lobsters," the Gryphon sullenly reminded him.

"-as far out to sea as you can-"

"Swim after them."

"Turn a somersault in the sea!" cried the Mock Turtle, so loud it made Twilight's ears ring.

"Change lobsters again," said the Gryphon who was thankfully far more subdued.

"Back to land again, and, that's the first figure." said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice back to its normal level of over loudness, instead of ear splitting loudness.

Both the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon looked to Twilight, the Mock Turtle looking sad, while the Gryphon maintained her carefully cultivated image of indifference.

"Well," said Twilight, with an awkward grin, "that sounded absolutely...fascinating. Yes, fascinating." The grin grew a little wider, and a little more awkward.

"Would you like to see a little of it?" asked the Mock Turtle.

"Oh, there's really no need to trouble yourself just for me..."

"Mock Turtle does not accept your answer!" the Mock Turtle shouted, shoving his face into Twilight's.

Twilight gulped. "Yes please," she said very quietly.

"Come, let's try the first figure!" the Mock Turtle said to the Gryphon, while sporting a triumphant grin. "Mock Turtle requires no lobsters for this part of the dance. Now, who shall sing?"

"You honestly expect me to sing?" said the Gryphon, raising an eyebrow. "It’s bad enough you expect me to dance, but to sing as well? As if!"

So they began solemnly dancing round and round Twilight, treading on her tail so often that she grabbed it and held it in her fore-hooves whilst giving the Gryphon some very dirty looks.

Waving their hands and claws to mark the time the Mock Turtle began to sing-

"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail,
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail."
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle-will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?

"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance-
Said he thanked the whiting kindly but would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from Griffonia the nearer is to Prance-
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

Twilight was pleasantly surprised by that. Not because the song was good, or the dancing decent, but because hearing a minotaur sing would be worth any admission fee.

"That was...interesting to say the least," she said at last, "and that was a very...interesting story about the snail and the whiting."

"Oh, as to the whiting," said the Mock Turtle, "they- you've seen them of course?"

"Yep," said Twilight, "I've seen them at ambassadorial dinn- I mean, yes, yes I have...seen...them, before, in places. Yep, good ole whiting." The grin she wore was making her cheeks ache.

"Mock Turtle is unsure where Ambassadorial Dinn is, but if you've seen them before then you know what they're like?"

"They’re like small fish, but I doubt they have their tails in their mouths and are covered in bread crumb in their natural state."

"You are correct about them lacking bread crumb," said the Mock Turtle, "but they do have their tails in their mouths, and the reason is-" here the Mock Turtle yawned an almighty yawn that Twilight swore would have stolen all the nearby air and suffocated her if he hadn't stopped and shut his eyes.

"Tell her about the reason and all that," the Mock Turtle said lazily gesturing at the Gryphon.

The Gryphon sighed irritably before answering. "The reason is," she said with a growl, "that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails stuck in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all.

"Why thank you. I now feel thoroughly educated about whiting now."

The Gryphon gave her a look. "Okay then miss smarty-pants, why is a whiting called a whiting?"

Twilight thought for a moment, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "I guess it could have something to do with their colouration."

"Wrong!" shouted the Gryphon in her face. "It’s because they do the boots and shoes."

"Boots and shoes? What does that even mean? Besides, how do you know about boots and shoes? I haven't met anyone here wearing either."

"Why, what are your pretty pony shoes done with?" asked the Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so pretty and shiny?"

Twilight grinned. "Why, you jealous?" She then looked at her hooves. "Besides, I'm not even wearing shoes. I mean sure I do sometimes at royal functions, but the servants polish them. I suppose I do wear boots in the winter sometimes, and if I were to polish them I suppose I'd use blacking.

"Well," the Gryphon said in her usual sarcastic sneer, "under the sea, boots and shoes, are done with whiting. Now you know." she said before patting Twilight on the head.

"Just out of curiosity," Twilight said with a post head pat grimace, "what are shoes made out of under the sea? I'm especially curious since last I checked, nothing under the sea had feet."

"Soles and eels, duh!" the Gryphon replied in her typical manner. "Any shrimp could have told you that."

Twilight fell silent, mostly since she didn't know what to say, and partly because she had really had enough of these two now. The Mock Turtle and the Gryphon were staring at her expectantly so she decided to get the ball rolling again by saying the first thing that popped into her head.

"Sooo... How does a porpoise tread on a tail if it had no feet? I mean add to that the difference in size and it just seems kinda silly really. Actually what would a porpoise be doing with a whiting? Aren't they supposed to live in more tropical climes?"

The Mock Turtle looked at her coolly. "The whiting was obliged to have the porpoise with him," he said. "No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise."

"Is that so?" said Twilight, who had a feeling about where this was going.

"Of course," said the Mock Turtle. "If a fish came before Mock Turtle and told me he was going on a journey, I would ask 'With what porpoise?'"

"So it was a pun. A-ha, a-ha ha. Funny." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Why can't no-one here say what they mean. It’s pretty bad when the most straight talking person I've met here is Discord."

The Mock Turtle looked offended by that. "Mock Turtle says what Mock Turtle means!" he shouted, jabbing a large, gnarled finger at Twilight. "I think it’s about time you told us your story, so that we can judge you."

"Well...ok, but I'm only going from this morning since there's no guarantee that anything I tell you about before that would actually be about me."

"Mock Turtle is confused and demands an explanation!"

"Nope!" the Gryphon shouted. "Explanations are boring and I don't want to hear it. The story's probably going to be boring enough as it is."

"Gee, thanks." She told them what had happened, starting with chasing the white rabbit down the hole, for which the Gryphon had called her an idiot, and Twilight really couldn't bring herself to argue with that. Thankfully, her listeners remained silent as she went on until she got to the part about repeating 'You are old,' to the Caterpillar, and it being a complete load of nonsense.

The Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said "Mock Turtle is mystified by the curiosity of your tale."

The Gryphon, however was far less subtle and said "That was so dumb."

"The Mock Turtle would like you to repeat something else. For educational purposes of course. Tell her to begin."

The Gryphon rolled her eyes and said "Tis the voice of the sluggard. Chop chop."

Twilight sighed wearily before moving into a sitting position and beginning. Apparently all this talk of fish had stuck in her mind because the poem she said was definitely not what it was supposed to be.

"Tis the voice of the lobster;" I heard him declare
"You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair."
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the shark;
But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

The Gryphon sniggered, a lot. "A bit different to the way I remember it, but I like it."

"Well Mock Turtle has never heard it before, and it sounds like complete nonsense."

Twilight said nothing, but buried her head in her forelegs and wondered how much therapy she was going to need after all this.

"Mock Turtle wishes you to explain the poem to him."

"No way!" said the Gryphon quickly. "I want to hear the next verse.

"But about his toes?" the Mock Turtle persisted. "How could he turn them out with his nose?"

"The same way as the duck did with his eyelids," Twilight said from beneath her legs, sounding a bit dazed.

"Come on!" said the Gryphon impatiently. "Get on with the next verse. It begins 'I passed by his garden.'"

Twilight did as she was asked, wondering herself what rubbish she would spout.

"I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie;
The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy and meat,
While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon;
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet by-"

"What is the use of repeating all that stuff," the Mock Turtle interrupted, "if you don't explain it as you go? Mock Turtle is very confused!"

The Gryphon sighed. "I guess you better stop before Mr 'logic and reasoning,'" she said with finger quotes, "over there, blows a fuse." Twilight was all too happy to comply.

"Sooo...," said the Gryphon, "do you wanna try another figure of the Lobster-Quadrille? I mean, we'd only have to find some lobsters, whiting, snails, salmon, sea-ponies, seals, porpoises and so on, before clearing the jellyfish away. Wouldn't take that long... Or would you rather hear Mock Turtle sing another song?"

Another song? From the Mock Turtle? For free? Twilight jumped at the opportunity. "Another song! Yes! I choose that one!" She looked at the Gryphon and Mock Turtle sheepishly, "If that's, um, ok with, uh, you."

"Well, I thought my idea was ok..." grumbled the Gryphon to herself. "Oh well, how about a rendition of 'Turtle Soup,' Mock?"

The Mock Turtle cleared his throat, and, with a voice choked by tears, he began to sing-

"Beautiful soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
Soup of the evening,beautiful soup!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful Beautiful Soup!"

"Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for two bit-worth only of beautiful soup?
Bit-worth only of beautiful soup?
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful Beauti-FUL SOUP!"

"Chorus again!" cried the Gryphon, and the Mock Turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of "The trial's beginning!" was heard in the distance.

"Whoop!" cried the Gryphon. "Time for another execution! Come on!" she shouted before grabbing Twilight by the horn and dragging her off, without waiting for the end of the song.

"What trial is it?" Twilight hissed between gritted teeth; being dragged by the horn tended to hurt.

"Heck if I know! Hurry up!" was the Gryphons reply, before she ran even faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words-

Soo-oop of the e-e-evening, Beautiful Beautiful Soup!"

Twilight had to admit, that minotaur could make the most rubbish song sound great.

Who stole the tarts?

The King and Queen of Hearts, Shining Armour and Cadence, were seated on their throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them, consisting of all sorts of birds and beasts, as well as a whole pack of the card people. The Knave was standing before them in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him. Angel Bunny was near Shining, trumpet in one hand and a scroll of parchment in the other.

In the middle of the room was a table with a large dish of tarts upon it. This was enough to remind Twilight that the last thing she had eaten was some scraps at the Mad Hatters tea party; she was famished. She looked around, seeing if she could secretly teleport one or two to herself, but ultimately decided not to, reasoning that nothing's that simple around here.

Twilight was no student of the law, but she was well versed in how the courtroom should operate. The judge appeared to be her brother's counterpart, if the wig he wore was any indication; although he did appear to be wearing his crown over it.

There was also a box containing twelve various creatures. Guessing wildly, since she had no way of knowing for definite, she figured they must be the jury. In fact everything appeared to be present except for one thing; lawyers. The lack of lawyers was unusual, but, in Twilights' currently half-baked opinion, the lack of lawyers could hardly be a bad thing even in a mish-mash courtroom in a fantasy land.

She was about to settle back and wish for some popcorn to enjoy the show with, when she noticed the twelve jurors were writing something on the slates they had.

"What are they writing?" she asked the Gryphon. "The trial hasn't even started, how could they have anything to write?"

"Well, the law around here is a bit trial and error, and is more often than not, made up on the spot. The jurors are writing their names down in case they forget before this is over."

"Well that's bloody stupid!" Twilight burst out, cramming a hoof in her mouth at her outburst. The white rabbit cried out "Shut yer damn cake hole, whoever that was!" and the King looked around, trying to work out who had spoken.

Twilight, after extracting her hoof from her mouth, looked over to the jury to find that all of them had written 'well that's bloody stupid!' on their slates, except for one that couldn't spell stupid and was having to ask his neighbour for help. Twilight sighed, "This is so pathetic..." she thought to herself.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked, and the noise was sending shivers down her spine. Attempting a little stealth she went round the court and got behind him, waiting for the opportunity to take it without him noticing. The utter contempt this showed for the law was lost on Twilight as she magiced the pencil away when it was put down.

She did it so quick that the juror (it was Bill, the Fluttershy-esque lizard she kicked out of the chimney;) could not work out what had happened to it, so, after hunting around for it, he was left with no option but to try and write with his finger, which was fruitless since it left no mark. Feeling simultaneously guilty and triumphant, Twilight returned to her seat.

"Herald, read the accusation!" said the King.

Angel Bunny, on hearing this, blew his trumpet three times before unrolling the scroll and reading as follows-

"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away!"

"Consider your verdict," said the King to the jury. Twilight face-hoofed, apparently even her brother couldn't escape the blatant stupidity of this place.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Not yet!" Angel interrupted. "We kinda got some other stuff to do first, y'know?"

"Call the first witness," said the King; and Angel blew three blasts on the trumpet and called out "First witness!"

"Oh no..." was all Twilight could say when she saw who the first witness was. It was Pinkie, or the Mad Hatter she was currently masquerading as.

"Hey Twilight! Its sooo great to see you again!" Pinkie shouted up into the stands, whilst waving vigorously. Twilight sank into her seat, covering her eyes with a leg, hoping to turn invisible. Pinkie turned to the King. "I'm real sorry for bringing these, y'maj," she said indicating the teacup and sandwich she had balanced on a plate on her head, "but you know what they say! Have party, will travel!"

"You ought to have finished," said the King. "When did you begin?"

Pinkie looked at the March Hare, who had followed her into the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. "I have no idea... Fourteenth of March? Whaddya think Marchy? Mousey?

"Fifteenth," said the March Hare.

"Sixteenth," said the Dormouse.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury; and the jury, except Bill, wrote down all three dates on their slates, then added them up, and reduced the answer to bits and cents. Twilights' jaw hung open, "Why would you even do that?" she thought.

"Take off your hat," the King said to the Hatter.

"Nopey dopey! This isn't my hat!"

"Stolen!" the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact.

"No no no, silly! I make them to sell, I'm a hatter!"

Here the Queen put on her spectacles, which Twilight never even knew she needed, and began staring hard at the Hatter, who stood there in good natured obliviousness.

"Give your evidence," said the King, "and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot."

"Okey Dokey!" said Pinkie, cheerfully. Apparently she must have been slightly nervous because whilst avoiding the Queens stare she reached up, grabbed her teacup, and took a bite out of it. Twilight could hear the crunching as Pinkie chewed from where she sat.

It was right then that Twilight began to feel a mite peculiar. It took her a moment to work it out, but it became pretty obvious when she looked down on everyone; she was growing. Once she realised she was growing she did wonder whether she should leave the courtroom, but decided on a different option.

Fumbling in her little neck bag she searched for some of the mushroom, but was slightly aghast to find it all gone. Taking the third option she gave herself, she chose instead to remain where she was and hope no one would notice. It was a vain hope.

"I wish you wouldn't squeeze so," said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. "I can hardly breath."

"Sorry, I can't help it. I seem to be, well, growing," she said with a weak grin.

"You've no right to grow here," said the Dormouse.

Twilight just shrugged. "Everything grows, even you. Not much I can do about it."

"Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace," said the Dormouse; "not in that ridiculous fashion."

"Oh shush, I'm bigger than you."

"Well I never!" With a huff the Dormouse got up and moved to the other side of the courtroom.

All this time the Queen had never stopped staring at Pinkie, and, as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court, "Bring me the list of singers on the last concert!" That got Pinkie's attention, and she started trembling, as she sported an almost manic smile.

"Give your evidence," the King repeated angrily, "or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not." Twilight frowned to herself, "So much for Shining being a nice guy here as well," she thought.

"I'm a poor pony, y'maj," Pinkie began, in a wavering voice, "and I hadn't begun my tea, not above a week or so, and what with the bread and butter getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea-"

"The twinkling of what?" asked the King.

"It began with the tea," Pinkie replied.

"Of course twinkling begins with a T!" said the King sharply. "Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!"

"No sirree bob, your a smart lil kingy! Anyway, I'm a poor pony, and most things twinkled after that, only Marchy said-"

"I didn't!" the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.

"Don't be silly Marchy! I'm pretty sure you said-"

"No I didn't!" the March hare interrupted once again.

"Yes Marchy, you did..."

"I deny it!"

"He denies it," said the king; "leave out that part."

"Well, anyway, Mousey said-" Pinkie paused, looking to the Dormouse to see if it would deny it as well, but the Dormouse denied nothing, seeing as it had fallen asleep.

"And after that," continued Pinkie, "I cut some more bread and butter-"

"But what did Mous- the Dormouse say?" asked one of the jurors.

"Heck if I know," said Pinkie, "he tends to fall asleep halfway through conversations.

"You must remember," remarked the King, "or I'll have you executed."

Pinkie dropped her teacup and her bread and butter, and dropped into a bow. "I'm a poor pony, y'maj," she began.

"You're a very poor speaker," said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the court officers by means of being shoved into a canvas bag head first, and being sat upon.

"If that's all you know about it, you may stand down," continued the King.

Pinkie giggled, "How can I stand down? Stand up, sure, but stand down? Maybe I could stand down if I was floating, but I'm not, I'm definitely on the floor."

"Then you may sit down," the King said.

Here another guinea-pig cheered, and was similarly suppressed. "This is beyond a joke," Twilight thought to herself as she started to loom over the jurors box.

"Can't I just go somewhere and finish my tea? I mean, the party's not over yet!" said Pinkie, giving the Queen a nervous glance. The Queen herself appeared to be reading a list of the singers from the concert.

"You may go," said the King, and Pinkie fled, leaving a burst of confetti behind.

"-and just take her head off outside," the Quern said to one of the officers, but Pinkie was long gone. "Good job too," Twilight thought to herself," I was going to have to get all stompy if they tried to hurt her."

"Call the next witness!" said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She had a pepper pot tucked behind one ear, and Twilight could have guessed who it was, even before she got into the courtroom, by the way that the people by the door began sneezing simultaneously.

"Give your evidence," said the King.

"Shan't," said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at Angel Bunny, who said, in a lower voice than usual, "Your Majesty, you really, kinda, gotta, cross examine this witness."

"Well if I must, I must," the King said with a melancholy air, and, after folding his fore-legs and frowning at the cook til his eyes were nearly out of sight, he asked, "What are tarts made of?"

"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.

"Treacle," said a sleepy voice behind her.

"Mustard." Twilight said quietly, without really knowing why. Thankfully no one seemed to hear it.

"Collar that Dormouse!" the Queen shrieked. "Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!"

For some minutes the courtroom was in chaos as the Dormouse was forcibly removed, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.

"Never mind!" the King said cheerfully, with an air of great relief. "Call the next witness!" And, he added, in an under-tone to the Queen, "Really dearest, you must question the next witness. I have developed a headache like you would not believe."

Twilight watched as Angel fumbled with his scroll, wondering who the next witness might be, and how incompetent as a witness they would be. She was rather surprised when Angel, in his comically deep voice, said "Twilight Sparkle!"

Twilight's evidence

"That's me!" Twilight shouted, forgetting how large she had grown in the last few minutes, so that, when her name was announced, she unthinkingly flared her wings in her excitement and tipped the jury box over.

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" she repeated as she grabbed the jury in her magic and started cramming them back into the jury box.

"The trial cannot proceed," said the King in a very grave voice, "until all the jurymen are back in their proper places- all," he repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Twilight as he said so.

Twilight looked at the jury box and saw, that in her rapid cramming of jurors, she had put poor Bill in upside down, and the poor lizard was waving his tail around feebly, before he gave up with a small, heartfelt sigh. "Poor Bill," she thought, as she put him right with her magic, "forever fates' punching bag."

As soon as the jury had recovered a little from the shock of being tossed halfway across a room, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident. Twilight hoped this wasn't so they could sue her for damages after the trial. Bill on the other hand, seemed too overcome to do anything except stare at the ceiling while gently whimpering with his mouth open.

"What do you know about this business?" the King asked Twilight.

"Not a thing, I wasn't even there when it happened. I have an alibi."

"And where is this alibi?" the King asked, "Do you have it with you?"

"What? No!" Twilight said, confused. "An alibi isn't something you can have with you," she tried to explain. "Ask the Gryphon, she knows!"

"Miss Gryphon," said the King, “have you seen Miss Sparkles' alibi?"

"No, your Majesty," the Gryphon said, far more politely than her usual manner. "I was with her at Mock Turtles beach when the theft took place and not once did I see her with an alibi." Twilight faceplanted the witness stand, which, considering her size, echoed around the room quite loudly. "Oh for pony sake..." she muttered to herself. She suspected she should have seen this coming.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, "the witness forgot to bring her alibi."

"What!? No!" Twilight shouted, raising her head quickly. "Don't write that down!"

"The witness requested that her testimony not be written down. Write that down." the King said.

The jury dutifully wrote down this information, leaving the courtroom in silence briefly whilst Twilight screamed profanities inside her head. At this moment the King, who had been busy scribbling in his notebook, called out "Silence!" and read out from his notebook, "Rule forty two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the court."

Everyone looked at Twilight. "I'm not even close to a mile high." she said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

"You are," said the King.

"Nearly two miles high," added the Queen.

"I...but...I... Oh whatever," said Twilight, slightly flabbergasted, "I'm still not going anywhere, especially not for a rule you just made up." And not least because she suspected she could no longer fit out of the door.

"It's the oldest rule in the book," said the King.

"Then don't you think it ought to be rule one?" Twilight replied sarcastically.

The King blushed, giving his white coat a rosy glow. He hastily shut his notebook and, in a shaky voice, said to the jury "Consider your verdict."

"Uh, there's more evidence to come first, your Highness," said Angel Bunny, jumping up hurriedly; "we just found this paper."

"What's in it?" asked the Queen.

"I haven't opened it yet," said Angel; "but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to...to...somebody," he finished lamely.

"It must have been that," said the King, "unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know."

"Who is it directed to?" asked one of the jurymen.

"No one as far as I can see," said Angel with a tiny shrug; "in fact, there's nothing written on the outside." He unfolded the paper as he spoke, and said "Hey! It’s not a letter at all, it’s in verses!"

"Are they in the prisoners hoofwriting?" asked another of the jurymen. "It’s 'the accused.'" Twilight corrected him in her head.

"Nope," said Angel, "and that's just plain weird." (The jury all looked puzzled.)

"He must have imitated somebody else's hand," the King said. (The jury all brightened up.)

"Please your Majesty," said the Knave, "I didn't write it, and they can't prove that I did, there's no name signed at the end."

"If you didn't sign it," said the King, "that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man."

There was applause from around the courtroom at this. Apparently they thought this was clever. Twilight, however, just sat down and rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof.

"That proves his guilt, of course," said the Queen; "so, off with-"

"Objection!" shouted Twilight, pointing a hoof out wildly. "Court is making false assumptions!" She didn't know if that was true of not, but it sounded good. After a moment or two she noticed the stares she was receiving from around the courtroom. She shrank back and started tapping her hooves together nervously. "Sorry, I, uh...I've always wanted to do that. Anyway, you haven't even read the verses yet, they could be a shopping list written in verse for all you know."

"Read them," said the King.

"Angel withdrew a monocle from somewhere about his person.”Uh, where should I start, your Majesty?"

"Start at the start," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end, then stop."

There was dead silence in the court, whilst Angel read out these verses-

"They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him;
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true);
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she like them best,
This must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me."

"That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet," said the King, rubbing his hooves together; "so now let the jury-"

"Hold on, hold on!" interrupted Twilight. "It’s the only evidence we have, and it's a poem that probably doesn't contain an atom of meaning."

The jury all wrote this down, on their slates, "She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it," but none of them attempted to explain the poem.

"If there's no meaning in it," said the King, "that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know," he went on, grabbing the poem in his magic, and studying it closely; "I seem to see some meaning in them, after all.’-said I could not swim-' you can't swim, can you?" he added, turning to the Knave.

The Knave shook his head sadly. "Do I look like it?" he said, which seemed odd to Twilight, since she could see no reason why he couldn't. The card people might struggle to swim, but- Wait a minute... Were they all made of card? Twilight thought about this a moment before deciding that it really didn't matter.

"All right, so far," said the King, and he went on muttering over the poem to himself; "We know it to be true'- that's the jury of course- 'If she should push the matter on'- that must be the Queen- 'what would become of you?'- What, indeed!- 'I gave her one, they gave him two'- why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know-"

"But then," Twilight said, hoping to stop his ramblings; "it says 'they all returned from him to you,' surely that makes him guilty of nothing if all the tarts are returned?"

"Why, there they are?" said the King triumphantly, pointing to the tarts on the table. "Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again- 'before she had this fit'- you never had fits, did you dearest?" he asked the Queen.

"Never!" the Queen declared, furiously, throwing an inkstand at poor Bill as she spoke. (Poor Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; be he now hastily began again, using the ink that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.)

"Then the words don't fit you," said the King, looking round the court with a smile. There was a dead silence, except for a groan, which came from Twilight.

"It's a pun!" the King said in an angry tone, and everyone, except Twilight who groaned again, laughed. "Let the jury consider their verdict," the King said, yet again.

Twilight was about to speak up when the Queen said "No, no! Sentence first- verdict after!"

"What!" Twilight shouted. "That's ridiculous; you can't have the sentence first!"

"Hold your tongue!" said the Queen, turning purple.

"No, I won't!" said Twilight. "I have had it up to here with this place! It's making my head hurt! And as for you two," she said, pointing at the King and Queen, "you, Shining Armour, and you, Cadence, make a great Prince and Princess in Equestria, but an awful King and Queen here! I am done!"

"Off with her head!" the Queen shouted. The Queen looked ready to explode, which was probably made worse by the fact that no one moved.

Twilight lowered her horn and charged it. "I'd like to see you try..." was her grim declaration.

This might have been a mistake on her part as an entire pack of cards launched itself into the air, and descended upon her, making her scream like a little filly as she flailed at them.

Suddenly she found herself lying beneath a tree, trying to bat leaves off her face. Rarity was also there, watching with a look that was halfway between concern and amusement.

"It's about time you woke up darling, you've been out here for hours. Much longer and I might have gone to get a doctor. What were you doing out here?"

Twilight felt more than a little muddled, and her thoughts seem to be a bit scattered. "I was looking for my stuff," she mumbled.

"I see," was Rarity's reply, "Well you weren't trying too hard if you had time to pass out under a tree. And look at you, you’re a complete mess!"

Twilight didn't care; she just lay there as her sense of reality reasserted itself. She licked her lips, as they, and her entire mouth, seemed a bit dry. In fact, she was really thirsty. Had that all been a dream brought on by heat and dehydration? Definitely made more sense than whatever just happened being real.

"Rarity?"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Don't tell anyone that a princess passed out from dehydration under a tree."

"Very well, Twilight." Rarity passed Twilight a bottle of water she had with her, Twilight gulping down the bottle in seconds. "By the way Twilight, since you mentioned finding your stuff, Flitter came by the castle earlier, bringing back your collection of po-" She was stopped by the arrival of Twilights' hoof in her mouth.

"It’s not mine! It’s Spike's! It’s nothing to do with me!"

Rarity yanked the hoof out of her mouth. "What is with ponies doing that? Anyway, I was going to say she found your collection of porcelain figurines; although I don't know why she bothered to return them since they were smashed to smithereens..." she trailed off as she realised all she was talking to was a dust cloud and the distant sound of "nononononono!"

"Well that was rude," she remarked.

"Sure was!" said an exuberant voice next to her.

"Ack! Pinkie! Don't do that! And why are you wearing that darling chapeau?" Pinkie was wearing a rather fetching top hat with a bill of sale stuck in the band.

"Oh, no reason. La lala la lala la." she sang as she bounced off, leaving Rarity standing alone in the light of the sunset.

"I get the feeling there's a moral to this, but I can't for the life of me think why."

Author's Note

And it's done! Now I can get back to some serious Warcraft without thinking I should have finished this weeks ago.

Down the rabbit hole

Twilight was wandering around Ponyville looking for her stuff. When Tirek had blown up the library a lot of her personal items had been strewn about the area. Normally she could have accepted this fact of life and explosions with grace but the other ponies around town were finding her stuff and she really wished they wouldn't.

The problem had come to a head when Colgate had returned her mint condition, limited edition Daring Do collector’s model in the middle of town in full public view, delivering it to her with a bow and a speech, like she was returning a sacred relic of the princess. It was the worst kind of embarrassment and since then she had spent days scouring the town in the hopes of finding her stuff before the towns-ponies created even more humiliating ways of returning her effects.

That was what she was doing right now, although she wasn't trying too hard since it was stupidly hot today. Clearly Celestia was trying to prove something, probably in response to rumours that Princess Luna was in fact, best princess.

She was taking a break in the shade of a tree when she saw Angel Bunny running past. There was nothing particularly unusual about this, even the fact that he was wearing a bright red waistcoat and carrying a golden pocket watch wasn't too strange, not even scoring a one on the Ponyville scale of weirdness.

What was strange though was that as he ran past he spoke. "Those damn fool ponies have gone and made me late!" He sounded reminiscent of what had come to be known as 'Flutterguy'.

On the Ponyville scale of weirdness talking animals scored at least a four and was therefore worthy of investigation. She got up and started chasing after the loquacious lepidorae.

She chased him up a nearby hill, where she watched run into a hole under the tree located at the hills brow. "Angel Bunny, you stop right there! You know Fluttershy doesn't like you going into strange rabbits' homes!" She stuck her head into the hole and was about to shout again when she noticed the strange blue glow the warren possessed.

“Well that’s not normal…” She started to crawl in a bit, hoping to investigate. The hole seemed a good bit larger than a typical burrow giving her plenty of room to wriggle through. Clearly the unusual heat was damaging Twilight's ability to think because it never occurred to her to light up her horn so she could see properly. As such she was unaware of the hole in front of her and had no way of stopping herself before she fell.

Thinking back on it Twilight wished she could say she fell with the grace and dignity that a princess should possess. But that'd be a lie. Instead she flailed all her limbs as she screamed a scream of the 'Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!' variety. She had tried to fly but either she was too panicked to get it right or her wings just weren't working.

This went on for about ten minutes until she started to calm herself enough to open her eyes. She looked down, thinking it shouldn't be possible to fall this far without hitting anything. The hole went on, the bottom obscured by both distance and the darkness. She looked back up, noticing that the walls didn't look right.

They were covered in cupboards and shelves, the gaps between them filled with pictures and maps hanging off pegs. Using her magic she grabbed something off one of the shelves. It was a jar labelled 'Orange Marmalade,' but it was empty. Rather than just dropping it she placed it back on a passing shelf, reasoning that her landing was going to bad enough without adding broken glass to the mix.

"Well," she thought to herself. "This is another fine mess I've gotten into. I've fought evil beings any number of times and the thing that finally kills me is my own curiosity." She was sure somewhere Discord was laughing at that fact.

"Is this fall ever going to end? The less time I have to consider how dumb I was to come in here, the better." She thought for a bit. She had been falling for about fifteen minutes now, so at terminal velocity of one hundred and ninety five kilometres per hour she should have fallen almost fifty miles by now.

"Should make quite the crater when I finally hit the bottom, wherever that is." In a more ignorant age she might have worried about falling out the bottom of the world, but when two alicorns of godlike power, controlling the sun and moon, say the world is not flat, most ponies tend to believe them. Especially when one of those alicorns confirmed it after spending a thousand years on the moon looking at said world.

"Is it possible there are tunnels running right through the world? Does this go right through to Zebrica? Do I get to spend the rest of eternity in the centre of the planet being crushed by gravity because that does not sound like a good time."

The falling continued and Twilight was actually getting kind of bored. She thought that waiting to meet your doom one way or another would be a bit more panic inducing, but apparently not.

She started to think what would happen to Spike without her. "I bet he moves in with Rarity. He'd be all hurt and looking for comfort, and she'd be far too generous to say no." She grinned, unbeknownst to almost everypony, Spike and Rarity's budding relationship was a source of great amusement to her.

She had moved on to wondering whether Pinkie would throw her a 'sorry you’re missing/ dead' party when she suddenly landed on a heap of twigs and leaves with a resounding 'SMACK!'

She groaned, rolling off the pile, the fact that she wasn't dead or severely crippled not quite grabbing her attention despite how unusual it was to survive such a thing. She looked up, but saw nothing through the darkness. Ahead of her was a passage, down which Angel was scurrying. She set off after him; he had some explaining to do!

"By my fluffy white butt, I hate being late!"

Twilight was about to catch him when he turned a corner and had magically disappeared by the time she had got round it.

"I swear if Discord’s been messing with that rabbit I'm going to make him beg to be turned back to stone!" She looked around. She was now in a long yet low hall, with lamps hanging from the ceiling. All around the hall there were doors, which after checking she found were all locked.

Sighing in irritation she trotted to the middle of the hall and came across a three legged table, made of glass, that she was sure hadn't been there before. Upon the table was small golden key.

"Huh...well that's convenient." She picked the key up in her magic and tested it in the doors; but it seemed either the key was too big or too small for the doors present. "Oh for pony's sake..." She tried the doors again and as she went around she noticed a low curtain that came up to eye level. Mystified by the seemingly pointless curtain she moved it aside, revealing a small door that came up to her knee. She tried the key in the door and to her annoyance it fitted.

"Sure! Unlock the door I can't fit through..." Hunkering down she looked through the door. It went into a tiny passage that led onto a rather colourful looking garden. "Well I think the nice garden beats hanging around these halls all day." She figured she could probably just teleport through the length of the hall into the garden but as she charged the spell up her horn just fizzled out.

"Hmm, must be an anti-teleportation field here." she said after a few more tries. She tried a shrinking spell instead but again her magic fizzled out. "What the hay is going on!" she said out loud in exasperation. She tried some other spells but all met with the same result. The only thing that seemed to work was her telekinesis

"Gah!" She stomped back to the table, reasoning that just trying to buck one of the doors down was probably going to hurt her more than it would work.

On the table was a bottle with a label saying 'DRINK ME' written on it in a rather elegant cursive script.

"Oh yeah. Of course I’ll drink the bottle that mysteriously appeared when I wasn't looking."

She stared at the bottle for a short while. Last time she had drank from a bottle like this it had been one of Celestia's little pranks. She had spent two days as a purple deer before she was able to brew a cure.

She stared a bit longer. "Oh why not? Cloven hooves were kind of fun, and the tail was a lot easier to manage." She picked the bottle up and downed it. It has a rather peculiar taste of cherry tart, custard, pineapple, toffee and hot buttered toast. There was also another flavour she couldn't recognise but felt it was best to not dwell on it.

-0-0-0-

"Now this is just weird..." Instead of growing antlers and cloven hooves she was shrinking which was something she didn't expect.
She was getting small enough to fit through the door she had unlocked, which was handy. She waited a little bit to make sure she didn't shrink further.

Happy with her new size she trotted over to the tiny door and tried to open it, but found it had relocked itself.

"Oh come on!" she shouted before trotting back to the table where she had left the key. The same table that now towered above her.
She tried another teleport to get to the key but again her magic failed. She tried to fly up but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get enough altitude to reach the table top.

"This...is stupid." she landed by one of the table legs and leaned her forehead against the cool glass, occasionally head-butting it for good measure.

She stayed there for a bit until a small glass box under the table caught her eye. Inside it was a very small cupcake with 'EAT ME' written upon it with icing.

"Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? If it makes me grow I can get the key. If it shrinks me more I can crawl under the door. If it makes me really small I could probably swim through the door at an atomic level. On the other hoof, this could be what turns me into a deer. Either way I get a two out of three chance of getting what I want and why am I still talking to myself?"

She shook her head before taking a bite of the cupcake and waiting for something to happen.

"Or this could just be a cupcake. Who knew?" Feeling disappointed she ate the rest of the cake with a pout. She was about to go back to head-butting the table leg when she started to feel a little bit strange.

Author's Note

Time to stop sitting on my hands and post this thing.

The Queens croquet ground

A large rose bush grew near the entrance of the garden, complete with beautiful white roses. However there seemed to be two individuals attempting to paint the roses red. Twilight thought this was bloody odd and went closer to investigate, and as she went closer she heard one of them say "Look out five! Don't you go splashing paint over me like that! You want the Queen to figure out what we're doin' 'ere?"

"Eenope!" was the emphatic reply.

Twilight focused on the two painters. They appeared to consist of a large playing card, walking upright, yet with legs at all four corners. One of the cards was bigger than the other and its limbs appeared to be red, as was its head. It was also wearing an old fashioned horse collar which looked rather out of place on a bi-pedal playing card; but that's not saying much when bi-pedal playing cards are pretty out of place to begin with.

To Twilight's utter lack of surprise the other card had an orange complexion, blonde hair, and was wearing a Stetson. Clearly this was meant to be AppleJack and her brother Big Macintosh. Since having her friends altered and thrown back at her was nothing new now she had no qualms about just walking up to them and introducing herself.

"Hi AppleJack. Hi Big Mac." she said as cheerfully as she could. The blank stares she got back were slightly unnerving, but eventually the AppleJack card spoke up.

"Well howdy there stranger. Ah don't know no AppleJack, or no Big Mac. Ah'm Two, and this here is mah big bro Five, ain't that right Five?"

"Eeyup," said the Big Mac card, as laconic in this world as in the normal one.

"Anyway," the card Two continued, "it’s always nice to meet a new face around here! Welcome to the Queen of Hearts gardens and croquet grounds!" she said before grabbing Twilight's front right hoof and shaking it vigorously.

"Um...thanks? So what are you two supposed to be doing here?"

AppleJack looked around nervously. "Well the thing is we were supposed to plant a bush with red roses, but as you can see this ain't a red rose bush. Now that ole Queen only likes flowers, and practically everything else, to be red; which is odd since she ain't red but that don't matter none. If she were to find we planted a white rose bush she have our heads off quick as a whip!"

Five had spent that explanation nodding and shaking his head and interjecting with the occasional "Eeyup" and "Eenope." Twilight, however, just arched a brow at Two.

"Seems a little extreme."

"You don't know that Queen. Trust me when ah say ya don't wanna get on her bad side." Right at that moment a panicked Five started tapping her on the shoulder and whispering "Queen! Queen!"

"Aww sweet nelly!" was all Two said before falling to her knees and bowing, her head touching the ground, Five doing the same. Twilight just stood there as the sound of many footsteps approached.

First, walking two by two, came ten soldiers carrying clubs, the soldiers shaped like cards as the two hapless gardeners were. Next came ten courtiers, ornamented with diamonds and walking two by two as the soldiers had. After that came what appeared to be foals, ornamented in hearts and prancing along in twos like those before them. Next came a variety of Kings and Queens, and among them was that talking rat that called himself W.Rabbit. Twilight's growl had no chance of being heard above the din the procession was making, although the two gardeners did look up at her in confusion. Mr Rabbit was talking to the Kings and Queens, smiling aimlessly at everything said like he had brain damage. That probably wasn't true but Twilight wasn't in the mood to think nice things about him.

The second to last to come was the Knave of Hearts, carrying the Kings crown on a velvet cushion upon his back. Lastly came the King and Queen of Hearts, who just so happened to be her brother Shining Armour and Princess Cadence, who wore an expression shared by those with a stick permanently jammed somewhere uncomfortable. Thankfully for Twilight she had learned by now that the ponies she thought to be her friends, weren't. So rather than running up to them and gushing about how happy she was to see them, she stayed quiet, remaining where she was.

Unfortunately for her though, instead of bowing like everyone else she had remained standing, drawing attention to herself. She was somewhat surprised when the procession stopped next to her.

"Who is this?" Cadence demanded, directing the query at the Knave, who just smiled and bowed. "Idiot!" shouted Cadence, tossing her head impatiently before turning to Twilight and asking "What is your name, child?"

"Twilight Sparkle, your...uh...your...majesty?" Twilight said, although within the recesses of her mind she was busy fuming about being called a child. Cadence wasn't that much older than her.

"And who are these?" Cadence asked, gesturing with a hoof at the two gardeners who were lying on the floor next to the rose bush. The problem with these card people became apparent to Twilight, when they lay on their fronts the patterns on their backs made them look the same as the soldiers and courtiers. The fact that one wore a Stetson and the other a horse collar should have made it obvious who they were, but clearly not.

Twilight didn't want to get the gardeners into trouble though, so instead of confessing who they were she said, "I don't know. It’s not my problem if you can't identify your own employees."

Cadence turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at Twilight for a moment like a wild beast began screaming "Off with her head! Off with-"

"What!?" shouted Twilight in response. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"Sunshine, sunshine, lady bugs awake!" Cadence sang, while performing the rhymes dance, "I'll make you regret, your silly little mistake!"

Twilight was horrified. "You did not just bastardise that! How dare you!" She started to charge her horn, "If you want my head...come and get it..."

The King, Shining Armour, pressed a hoof to Cadence's shoulder and quietly said "Cadence, darling, she is only a child."

Cadence turned away from him with a huff, choosing to instead scream in the Knaves face. "Turn them over!" she demanded, which the Knave did so, very carefully, with a hoof.

"Get up!" Cadence screamed, and the two gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, Queen, the royal children, and everyone else.

"Leave that off!" screamed Cadence. "You make me giddy." She then gave the rose bush a critical stare. "What have you been doing here?"

"If'n it pleases yer maj," said Two in a very small voice, "we were tryin' ta-."

"I see!" said Cadence who had continued her critical stare at the rose bush. "Off with their heads!" and the procession moved on, two of the soldiers remaining behind to carry out the execution.

The two gardeners ran to Twilight for protection, and she shoved them into a large flowerpot. "If you value your lives, I suggest you stay put." She then nonchalantly walked away from the pot, watching the two soldier’s mill about before they finally marched off after the procession.

"Are their heads off?" shouted Cadence.

"Their heads are gone, if it pleases your majesty!" was the soldiers shouted reply. Twilight smirked to herself.

"That's right!" shouted Cadence. "Can you play croquet?" The soldiers didn't answer and it took Twilight a moment to realise they were all looking to her for an answer.

"I have no idea!" she shouted in reply.

"Come on then!" roared Cadence. How Cadence hadn't lost her voice by now mystified Twilight. The real Cadence almost never raised her voice, even when angry. She joined the procession, wondering what idiocy would be assaulting her next.

"So..." said a recognisable voice beside her, "nice day, am I right?" It was Angel Bunny, or Wilbur Rabbit, or whatever he called himself.

"Very," was Twilight's terse reply, hissed from between gritted teeth. Only the fact that she didn't want to make a scene was keeping her from showing Angel the raw power of the element of magic. "Where's Rarity-I mean, the Duchess?" she said, voicing her other concern.

Angel looked about wildly, "Keep it down, would ya?" He looked about again before raising himself on tiptoe and whispering in her ear "She's gonna be executed!"

"Oh," said Twilight in a dull monotone, "what for?"

"Wow..." Angel gave Twilight a sideways glance. "Very heartfelt reaction there..."

"Meh," was Twilight's simple reply. "If it was actually the real Rarity I'd be tearing this place apart to find her, trust me." Twilight saw Angel silently mouth 'who's Rarity?'

"Anyway, she got done for boxing the Queens ears." Twilight snirked at that, Angel just shrugged. "We've all wanted to do it at least once."

"Get to your places!" came Cadence's thunderous voice, making everyone run about in a hurry. A courtier came up and thrust a snake towards Twilight making her jump sideways and grab it in her magic. After taking a moment to calm herself she took a closer look at the snake and realised it wasn't a snake at all. It was a miniature version of the river serpent they had found in the Everfree, so long ago.

It also had its arms crossed and was wearing a frown. "There's no need to look at me like that you know." it said.

"Right, sorry." she said, giving the serpent a sheepish grin. Another courtier came along and placed a ball down in front of her. The ball-

"Howdy!" said the ball.

"Aah!" shouted Twilight, leaping backwards this time. "AppleBloom?"

"Ah, see...no. Yer close though, the names A-ballBloom. Ah'm t' be yer ball fer yer croquet game."

"What?" said Twilight, slightly horrified. "Isn't that cruel?"

"Naw, not really." said A-ballBloom casually, like this was the most normal thing in the world. "It’s a fine ole family tradition. Sure it’s not perfect and ideally Ah'd like to make some changes, but..." She turned towards the Queen and shouted "Equal rights fer sports equipment!" before turning back to Twilight. "Ah try but no-one really listens," she said with a sigh.

Twilight didn't know what to say. Luckily the serpent filled the silence. "No-one listens to you because you’re just a ball."

"Aww shuddup! No-one asked you! You’re just a croquet mallet!"

"Oooohhhh...is that what that's for?" said Twilight, although it was unheard by all since her ball and mallet seemed to having an argument.

"Just a croquet mallet? Just a croquet mallet? What happened to 'equal rights for sports equipment?' I'll have you know I am not just a croquet mallet. I am a fabulous croquet mallet!"

"No, yer a whiny croquet mallet. Soon as we start playing y'all starting moaning 'bout yer hair, or yer moo-stache. Does mah head in it does. Croquet mallets should just shut up and get on with it."

"Oh like your any better! 'Ooh I'm gonna feel that one!' 'That's gonna leave a mark!' 'My backs aching from being curled up in a ball all the time!' Moan moan moan moan moan! Least your head isn't being used like a hammer!"

A-ballBloom was about to start speaking but Twilight got there first. "Enough! The pair of you! We are going to play croquet, and you are going to like it!" She lined up a shot with an arch, ordered the serpent to stop being so floppy, and took a shot sending A-ballBloom barrelling through the arch.

"Good shot!" "My coiffure! Look what you did! And my poor moustache..."

Twilight brought the serpent up to her face and looked it in the eye. "A-ballBloom was right. Croquet mallets should be silent."

"Told ya," said A-ballBloom as the serpent huffed in protest. Twilight played a few more shots but didn't really know what she was doing. When she looked at the other players she saw that they too just seemed to be randomly hitting the balls around with no discernable pattern. Apparently this was annoying the Queen, who was stomping around ordering beheadings left, right, and centre.

"How are there people here? Why haven't they rebelled against the Queens tyranny? Why doesn't this place smell like a festering plague pit with all these executions?"

Just as she was pondering this, and wondering whether she should make her escape, possibly taking A-ballBloom with her; a 'Boo' from behind her made her jump forward and trip over A-ballBloom, sending her sprawling.

"My nerves are going to be shot after this," she said, after spitting out a mouthful of dirt. The chuckling coming from behind her made it pretty obvious who her assailant was. "Hello Discord..."

"Hello Twinkie Pie! Keeping well I hope?"

"As well as could be expected. You can drop the Pinkie Pie stuff though. I met the hatter and I kind of think I'm probably me."

"And there goes another piece of fun, sucked into the black hole of humour known as Twilight Sparkle," Discord said glumly "So what have I missed?"

Twilight regaled Discord with the events of the tea party and how the Mad Hatter is a horrible person and that she felt sorry for Pinkie being the Hatter. She then explained how she got to where she was now and how Cadence was horrible, and how her and Shining must've got biz-ay since they had ten kids.

"So now I'm here, attempting to keep my head, playing a game I don't know how to play with a chatty ball," "Howdy!" said A-ballBloom; "and this pugnacious lizard stick." The serpent gave an indignant 'hmmph!' "Leading up to me talking to a floating cats head. All in all it’s still pretty weird around here. I was just thinking of escaping this place with A-ballBloom, when you showed up.

"You sure that's a good idea? I mean last time you foalnapped someone they turned into a pig."

"What!?" shouted A-ballBloom in horror, "I don't wanna be no pig!"

"Rescued, Discord. I rescued her. Besides what are the odds on that happening twice."

"In this place...probably about a million to one, which practically makes it a guarantee."

"I don't wanna be a piiiiggggg!" bawled A-ballBloom, gummy tears running down her face, accompanied by the occasional snot bubble.

"Oh shush. Anyway, here I am; playing this ludicrous croquet game and trying to keep my head firmly attached to my shoulders."

"I see..." said Discord ominously. "You’re doing pretty well to have not been sentenced to death yet. What do you think of Cadence two point oh?"

"She's absolutely awful. I mean-" she then noticed that the Queen was right behind her, "she's beautiful, talented, and an amazing croquet player and I'm just burning with envy!" Cadence smiled and moved on. "You knew she was behind me didn't you!" Twilight hissed at Discord.

"Who are you talking to?" asked the King, Shining Armour; who looked at the floating cats head with curiosity.

"Oh this is Disc-cat! Cheshire cat! He's a cat! Definitely a cat. No questions about that."

Shining gave the floating head a critical look. "I don't like the look of it at all," he said. "Not many do," muttered Twilight under her breath. "However it may kiss the royal hoof, if it likes."

"Me no like." said Discord, giving Shining a piercing stare.

"Don't be impertinent," said Shining, "and don't look at me like that!" he said as he hid behind Twilight.

Discord floated toward Twilight and whispered in her ear, "Guess we both know who wears the trousers in this relationship."

Twilight gave Discord a look before she turned to address Shining. "The cat does have a bit of an issue with royalty, Kings, Queens, Princesses, and authority in general." She had emphasized the Princesses part. Discord blew a raspberry at her.

"Well, it must be removed," said Shining very decidedly before he called over to Cadence, who was passing by; "My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!"

The Queen only had one tried and tested method of problem solving. "Off with his head!" she shouted without even looking round. Discord and Twilight rolled their eyes in unison.

"I'll fetch the executioner myself," said Shining eagerly before hurrying off.

"Discord? This is a sick, sick place."

"No arguments here. It'll be fun to see how this pans out though."

Twilight went off to see how the game was progressing as the sound of Cadence screaming her head off could only mean one thing, and she was right; so far the Queen had sentenced three players to death for missing their turns. Fearing such a fate for herself she went in search of A-ballBloom.

She found A-ballBloom having a fight with another ball, who appeared to be the Pegasus colt Rumble. Seeing an opportunity to croquet them she went off in search of her mallet, which had slithered off somewhere. She found it in one of the fountains and managed to coax it into unwrapping itself from the fountain centre, by means of grabbing it in her magic and yanking it.

By the time she got back to the balls they had stopped fighting and had clearly gone off to do something more interesting. Not that it mattered, the arches were all gone anyway.

She sighed, irritated at this stupid game, and went to see what trouble Discord was getting into. When she found him she wasn't particularly surprised to see a crowd gathered round him. Cadence and Shining were arguing with the executioner, while everyone else was suspiciously silent.

As soon as she appeared they gathered around her, trying to get her to help solve their dilemmas, loudly, and at the same time. After much repeating she was able to work out their issues.

The executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from, and that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at his time of life.

Shining's argument was that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense.

Cadence's argument was that, if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. For some reason everyone rubbed their necks and looked awkward when she said that.

Discord appeared to be enjoying the show, judging by the grin he wore, and Twilight was wondering if this was some twisted parody of a friendship report. All she said in the end was "It belongs to the Duchess, you'd better ask her about it."

"She's in prison," said Cadence to the executioner. "Fetch her here." The executioner went off like an arrow.

Discord's cat head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the time he had returned with the Duchess, it had entirely disappeared, (but not before giving a wink to Twilight, making her smirk.) Shining and the executioner ran up and down wildly, looking for him while everyone else returned to the game.