Sportsball

by drankito

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy
Length: 2812

The Rainbooms take on the Minotaurs in this charity hoofball game, resulting in some emotional eccentricity and terrible announcing. A football parody so beware... SPORTS

The Rainbooms take on the Minotaurs in this charity hoofball game, resulting in some emotional eccentricity and terrible announcing. A football parody so beware... SPORTS

New Cover Art courtesy of Tsitra360. He's the best!

Published 2014-10-02 06:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-02 06:40:03 UTC

S1: Sportsball

And welcome back from our sponsors after that last time out.

As you can see, Philly, the Rainbooms have quite the situation on their hooves.

The team of Ponyville’s finest, hoof-plucked by Rainbow Dash herself, huddled around the captain. She could see the team had given her everything they had, from the bruises and cuts to the sweat and stained uniforms. Gritting her teeth, it was her job to get them to give a little more, that last bit that no pony expects of them. “Alright team, it’s fourth down and they’ve only got three to go. If we stop them here, we’ll have one last shot and that’s all we need.”

Yes, Buck, the Rainbooms are out of time-outs with only seconds remaining!

If they don’t stop them here, the game will be over and the Minotaurs will be victorious.

Yes, Buck, but even if they fail here, it’s a win for Ponyville and avid readers everywhere as proceeds from this charity game go directly to the Golden Oaks Restoration Fund.

Right you are, Philly, but enough about books, let’s get back to the action!

From Bulk Biceps to Big Mac to Pinkie… even Fluttershy, they all nodded in unison, acknowledging the situation. “Alright, the plan is simple. Contain the edges and funnel their running back to the middle. Don’t worry about the pass, I’ll take care of that.”

You know, Buck, if I were the Rainbooms, I’d take advantage of their two star players in this situation.

And, how would you do that, Philly?

“And then once ya’lls corral that bull into mah pen, I’ll hog-tie him like a newborn babe on a spit, right capt’n?” The stud linebacker of the day, Applejack, gives a smirk, knowing it’s her time to shine.

Well, Buck, that Rainbow Dash is the fastest hoofballer I’ve ever seen! Why I’d sell the whole estate against the run and let her cover the whole back end on her own.

That’s high praise, Philly, but who can they rely on to take down that beast?

Well, you see, that there Applejack is one heckuva backer. Strong as an ox and incredibly fast and reliable.

She sure is, Philly, leading the team with a whole bushel of tackles today.

“Oh, Applejack, that’s awful!”

“Sorry, sugarcube, just a sayin’ is all.”

Rainbow Dash extends her hoof to the center of the huddle as she stares into Applejack’s eyes, nodding in agreement to her friend’s assumption.

“Alright team, Rainbooms on three! One… two… three!”

“Rainbooms!” they cry out together.

Alright, as you can see, the players are finally taking their positions on the field.

They sure are, Philly. And it looks like you were right. Both teams seem to be committing to the run.

Big Mac and Bulk Biceps dig in across from the minotaurs burly studs at guard. The two have been pushed around all game, but this time would be different. This time they were going to take the bull by the horns and win the trench fight.

“Hut!”

The ball is snapped and as expected, the Minotaur’s quarterback turns and hands off to Bowling Bull, the minotaur that had bulldozed his way to nearly one hundred yards this game.

And there’s the snap! Bowling Bull takes the handoff and charges at the line!

Mac and Bulk time the snap perfectly, completely synchronized, they engage their opposition with leverage and hold their ground. They would not buckle this time. Bull sees the middle of the line not budge and makes a quick cut to the weakside of the line, where Thunderlane crashes the edge and forces the minotaur to head for the gap between his tackle and guard.

Would you look at that push by the defensive front! No space in the middle, Bull looks to bounce outside! Thunderlane is there though and now he races for the only hole left!

Bull sees daylight through the small gap. Licking his chops, he plants his left hoof and lowers his shoulders. Only three yards and his team would be victorious. It’s the star’s duty to shine in the clutch and there was no way a puny pony was going to stop him before he got at least four.

He’s through the gap at full steam. Look at that acceleration! You wouldn’t believe a being that big could move that fast!

It’s not looking good for the Rainbooms, Philly.

Bowling Bull didn’t even care to look up. He was going to win… or he may have, if it wasn’t for the sudden force from a collision that shook the stadium. If only he had bothered to look to his right, he might have been able to see the one mare that could buck down a barn with a simple flick of a hoof, but no. No, Applejack slammed the gap shut, greeting the big oaf at the hole and delivered a blow that sent the whimpering fool flying back from whence he came. Bowling Bull had struck out as he came crashing upon his face, disgraced by a mare less than half his size.

Sweet Celestia, that Applejack came out of nowhere like lightning!

And hit with the force of a hydra!

I’m sure we all felt that one.

Zecora blows her whistle, signaling the end of play as Applejack stands victorious in this short lived moment of glory. “Yeehaw! Now that’s what ah call a rodeo whuppin’,” she gloats as her team piles on her in a giant group hug.

“That was so awesome I could kiss you!”

“Woah there, missy, we’ve got a game to play.”

“Heh, yeah…”

Well now, Buck, the Rainbooms managed to stop the Minotaurs with one heckuva play, but there’s only ten seconds left on the clock.

That’s right, Philly, and they still need a touchdown if they want to win it.

The Rainbooms huddle up once more, this time headed by a middle-aged stallion with a flying duck for a cutie mark and a forehead that you could land a blimp on. Neighton Horsing, ex-professional hoofball hall of fame quarterback, now retired Ponyville prankster, approached with his famous grimace.

It’s quite the break they have six time MVP, Neighton on their side.

It sure is, Philly, the all time leader in comebacks before he retired.

And to Ponyville of all places!

Yeah, I hear he wanted to get away from the media and stay in the down low.

Well, so much for that, huh Buck?

“Alright, my little ponies, we’ve got ten seconds to score a touchdown. One play is all we’ve got, but one shot is all it takes if’n you take it straight.” The ponies nodded, listening to the legendary Horsing’s wise words. “Now they’re going to cover Rainbow Dash like hay on a hayburger, but we’re going to need to get her the ball if’n we want to win, so here’s how we do it.”

Even though they have a shot, I’m pretty sure everyone and their mom knows they’re going to try and get the ball to Rainbow Dash, Buck.

You’re absolutely right, Philly, there’s nobody else on that squad with the skills to reach the end zone like she does.

“I’ve watched them make the adjustments and they’re stacking three backs on Rainbow’s side, but they’re leaving Fluttershy completely uncovered.”

“Oh yes, it was very pleasant last drive.”

You know, Philly, the Rainbooms are going to have to pull the trickiest of trick plays off if they want to get her the ball.

Yes, Buck, but which one?

“So we’re going to pull the ‘ol hook'n ladder'n lateral.”

“The wha’ now?”

“It’s simple, Fluttershy will line up to the left, Applejack behind me at running back, and Rainbow Dash wide right with Pinkie in the slot,” explains Horsing as the team nods back in hopeful understanding.

“When the ball is snapped, I’m going to throw you the ball, Fluttershy, and you’re going to catch it.”

Fluttershy whimpers at the sudden weight of responsibility.

“Don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere, you’re going to toss the ball back to Applejack as she runs up to you, all the while, Rainbow Dash will come across the field and take a lateral from her and score.”

“Sounds good ta’ me!”

“Let’s do this!”

“Alright, break!”

And here they come to the line, the Rainbooms with one last chance at glory. Can they pull it off, Philly?

No, I don’t think so, Buck, they’re far too reliant on Rainbow Dash and there’s just not enough time left. Not to mention the adjustments the Minotaurs have made, there’s just no way she can get the ball again.

Horsing pulls up behind Caramel, his center, licking his forehooves before reaching under the stallion, ready to receive the ball. Looking to his left, he sees Fluttershy standing all by her lonesome, seemingly wilting under the pressure. He looks to his right and sees five defensive backs guarding the duo of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Taking one moment to check on Applejack, they give each other a nod before he looks ahead to the goal and shouts the magic words, “Omaha!”

Look at that defense, Philly, they stacked everyone to cover Rainbow Dash, there’s literally nobody covering Fluttershy.

And why would there be, Buck? She hasn’t touched the ball all day. Let’s see if old Horsing isn’t too washed up to notice and make the adjustments necessary.

Caramel snaps the ball and Horsing makes for his drop back. Applejack breaks to the flats and heads for the flailing Fluttershy to the left. On the right side, Pinkie Pie cartwheels downfield and towards the sideline as Rainbow makes a quick cut before streaking across the middle. Horsing bounces forward after his fifth step and looks left at his wide open target and lets loose the hoofball with all his might.

I don’t believe it, Buck. Horsing didn’t even look at Rainbow before loosing that floating duck to Fluttershy.

Think she’ll catch it?

I don’t know, Buck, we’ll find out in a few seconds.

Fluttershy looks up to see the ball floating haphazardly towards her as she continues to flail with all her might. Seeing the ball approach at such low velocity, Fluttershy shuts her eyes in fright and yelps as it hits her right between the numbers. The ball ricochets off the hapless pegasus and her left forehoof knocks the ball back in the air. As Fluttershy falls to the ground, Applejack leaps into the air and snags the ball. Not daring to look back at her fallen friend, AJ sprints at full gallop towards the end zone.

Wow, Buck, that was right in the numbers. But the ball is in the air! What’s this? Applejack with a magnificent effort catches the ball and is galloping down the field! Oh, but here comes that Minotaur defense!

Applejack manages to make it about fifteen yards downfield before she finds herself surrounded by Minotaur defenders. One of the safeties lunges at her, but she manages to shift to the side in time to elude the would be tackler. Unfortunately, now she was heading straight for two defensive backs with nowhere else to go.

“Yo, AJ. Ball!’

With a quick turn, Applejack sees Rainbow sprinting up from the right, hooves outstretched and ready for the lateral. She quickly flicks the ball back, just as she gets walloped by the two defenders and the trio crash into the ground.

Applejack eludes a defender, only to collide with two others! She’s taken down folks… Hold your quills! She flipped the ball back to Rainbow Dash. The speedster’s got the ball and nothing but daylight in front of her!

Rainbow Dash quickly tucks the ball under wing and takes off with defenders hot on her tail. One of the Minotaurs with a good angle manages to close in on Rainbow, but to no avail as she makes a quick jump cut to the inside and the poor bloke trips over his crossed up ankles.

“Rainbow,” she shouts.

What a move! Even my ankles feel shattered after that one!

The momentary loss of speed, however, was enough for Bowling Bull to catch up and lay a hand on the elusive pegasus. A hand is all he got though as Rainbow instinctively spun right between him and another cornerback, dipping under the collision of the hapless Minotaur teammates.

“Double Rainbow,” shouts Rainbow Dash.

What a spin! Hitner just took out Bowling Bull on that whiff of a tackle.

Leaving the downed defenders in the dust, Rainbow sprints for the end zone.

Rainbow Dash is in the clear!

She was going to do it, she was going to bring home the victory in this not-all-that-important charity game!

She’s at the twenty!

Just one safety left to beat at the goal line and…

The ten!

“Hiya Rainbow Dash!” greets Pinkie Pie as she bounces alongside Rainbow Dash.

She’s even got a blocker to escort her past that last defender!

Rainbow Dash wasn’t prepared for the sudden appearance of her teammate, let alone acknowledge how she caught up to her from behind. “Pinkie, what’re y- oof!”

The distraction was enough for Rainbow to let her guard down and fail to execute a dodge of the oncoming tackle.

Rainbow takes a shot right in the ribs!

They were so close, Philly!

Rainbow Dash saw victory slipping away as she watched Pinkie slowly fade behind the last Minotaur in her way. As light as she was, the tackler easily took her off her hooves as they both traveled through the air. It was all over, once she hits the ground with the ball, that’s it, game over… Wait, with the ball! With one last effort, Rainbow flings the ball backwards in hopes a teammate gets to it before a Minotaur does. “C’mon Applejack,” she whispers while being crunched into the turf.

She pitched the ball! The play’s still alive!

Applejack was never one to quit on anything, ever. She may have been taken to the ground, but she fought to get back on her four hooves quickly and chase down the field after Rainbow Dash. If Granny Smith had ever taught her anything for this sort of thing, it was that hustlers don’t get hustled, so she was gonna hustle to the whistle darnit! And good thing too because when she saw Rainbow get distracted by Pinkie in the critical moment, she was forced to watch the unlucky pegasus get decked by the Minotaur as Applejack closed in on her. But more importantly, Applejack saw the ball float in the air just above the pile of pony and minotaur. Applejack knew in that moment that Rainbow Dash had put her full trust, blind faith, in AJ’s being there to finish the game.

Can you believe it! Applejack has just leapt from five yards away, snatching the ball out of the air as she soars like a pegasus over her teammate’s corpse and lands in the end zone!

The Rainbooms win, Buck! The Rainbooms win!

You said it, Philly!

What a game, Buck!

Applejack lands with a thud, sliding across the end zone a good three yards before coming to a stop. Completely exhausted, Applejack rolls onto her back as she removes her helmet, matted blonde mane spilling all over in its renewed freedom.

Tell you what, Buck. That play demonstrated the immeasurable amount of chemistry those two players have with each other.

You said it, Philly. I mean it takes a complete understanding of your fellow teammate to pitch the ball like that in that kind of situation.

Not to mention reliability, being there at that time, it’s just too perfect, you know?

We just saw a lot of courage from those youngsters, I bet the celebration will be very emotional.

The Rainbooms storm the endzone, piling onto Applejack and embracing her in a massive team hug.

“You did it, Applejack, you did it!” shouts Pinkie as Big Mac helps his sister onto her hooves. That didn’t last long though because a rainbow hit her as if shot out of a cannon and the two hoofball stars tumbled onto the sideline. Getting her bearings, Applejack finds herself overwhelmed by a smattering of kisses from Rainbow Dash.

“I knew I could count on you! muah We won! muah I’m gonna kiss you until it hurts! muah”

“Rainbow, not in public, ya hear? This is embarrassin’!”

“Don’t care! I love you too much right now! muah”

Maybe a little too emotional, Buck.

Aw, don’t be such a spoil sport, Philly.

There’s two mares making out in the back of the end zone for buck’s sake, Buck!

Philly, ain’t nothing wrong with that in my book.

Suppose you got a point, Buck.

Author's Note

In case you don't get the ponifications of the announcers:
Buck is Joe Buck
Philly is Phil Simms
Neighton Horsing is Peyton Manning