The Paragon Guard

by DarkStarZN

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 21547

The most elite and powerful guard directly in charge of Celestia's safety. They share a powerful sisterly and brotherly bond brought forth by the nonsense and antics caused by Celestia's sheer presence. Follow their day-to-day life.

There are twelve of us, four from each tribe. Twelve of the most elite and powerful guards in all of Equestrian history with one goal in mind: to protect Princess Celestia’s life no matter the cost. Error is not a word in our dictionary. We don’t comprehend the definition of failure.

Honestly, it’s not all that bad. Sure it’s tight out there - but we’re family. A close, knuckleheaded family of brothers and sisters bonded through putting up with Celestia’s nonsense. There’s not a thing we wouldn’t do for each other. The Princess knows it - it’s why she trusts us as much as she does. And why we trust the Princess as much as we do.
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Please note, the format, perspective and even tense will change from chapter to chapter depending on which character's perspective its being written from. Some will be first-person, others third. Just a heads-up.

Remember: If you fave or comment, please leave a 'like' as well! (Or a dislike, and let me know why you didn't like it)

*EDIT* Holy smokes. Featured? This is probably the best day of my life since ever. Wow.

Many thanks to ward282, MagicKnight55 and metallusionsismagic for proof-reading and editing. I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

And also, many thanks to Cormac McCloppy for help with the earlier chapters. I wouldn't be here without him :twilightblush:

Published 2014-10-23 20:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-13 20:48:14 UTC

Date Night

I hate informal events. Birthday parties, Hearth’s Warming in July, New-Year’s parties, you name it. But experience has taught that by far the worst are date nights. They usually have minimal planning - and trying to discreetly secure the perimeter while keeping the general public out of the loop has been a nightmare all in itself. No matter what we or Intelligence did - somepony found out. Any chance to snap a picture or two of the Princess acting like anything but a Princess was usually eaten up by the media like Captain Stone Craft ate snack cakes.

I still remember the fallout from the annual pie-eating contest. Heavens-forbid the Princess were caught with so much as a crumb to mar her perfect pretty princess coat.

The Princess didn’t see fit to inform us why she was dating again, but judging by the low-profile nature of that night I suspect she just wanted to test the dating waters. I’d imagine being the immortal embodiment of the Sun could get lonely at times.

Still, usually the paparazzi weren’t so bad; all it took was a few disrupting spells from the unicorn Mage-Casters (cameras didn’t like magic) and the pegasi Flight-Masters kept a keen eye in the sky. The earth-pony Earth-Grinders were the muscle at the door.

Well - usually they weren’t a problem. The Princess wanted something a little different this time — we were to come as - to borrow a term from the griffons - as plain-clothes civilians. No armour, no passive authority, nor any real room to be showy and flashy. It wasn’t all bad - Celestia had an enchantment on her to make her look like a simple pegasus, so our need for passive authority was at a low.

Passive authority...I like that term. It’s a little something I thought up. The whole point of the Paragon Guard is to keep the Princess safe and to make sure nopony tries anything suspicious. Very often just our sheer presence is enough to ‘passively’ make most think twice before doing something stupid.

However, we ran into a problem that night: a vile, mite-ridden excuse of a ‘reporter’ who’d caught wind of Celestia’s whereabouts. I swear, she’s using black magic to bug the palace halls.

Tale Spinner skulked the restaurant like an eager cougar hunting for fresh, young prey. A quill was tucked behind her ear and we could see a notebook folded into an armband. Her dress was overly frilly and quite frankly, sickeningly tacky. There was far too much pink.

Oh, we would have loved to just make her ‘disappear’ and it was well within our power to do so - but a pony like Tale Spinner had connections. Or blackmail material, whatever suits you better. One whiff of something bad happening to her, and a floodgate would be unleashed that we’d rather not deal with.

Too high-profile and too high-risk for us to deal with. We’d just have to clench our teeth and avoid the damned harpy’s attention as much as possible.

The lucky stallion didn’t even know who his date really was. All of our background checks on him came back clean. There was no history of deviance or crime on either side of his family tree and the unicorn himself was fairly well-accomplished: a painter, of all things! I mean, how boring and pretentious can you get? As far as he knew, the pretty pegasus mare sitting across from him was from a minor noble house - Sun Dazer, Celestia had called herself.

It was a pretty standard detail - we had one pegasus in the sky and one inside the restaurant. One unicorn and one earth pony patrolled the perimeter and another team were set up inside.

In hindsight, having Strawberry Drop and Apple Bake on a ‘date’ together wasn’t the brightest idea, Strawberry being the smallest Pegasus on the team currently and Apple Bake possibly being the largest Earth-Pony to have ever served the Paragon. The awkward shuffles and constant bumping against other tables and patrons drew a few odd looks and disgruntled mentions, but in the end the two managed to settle in and find a table for themselves.

At least Brambles was smart enough to take a table for herself. Of course somepony just had to hit on her. I swear that unicorn gets hit on or catcalled every darn mission. It doesn’t end well, with said pony usually left in tears and running away. Having your stallionhood poked fun at tended to be traumatising, doubly so when the mare doing it probably had bigger gonads than you ever could.

Lucky filly...I wish I could get ponies to hit on me like that...

Celestia, or ‘Sun Dazer’ as it were, seemed to be enjoying herself. The less she noticed us, the better, and so far things were going well. Earnest Stroke was well enamoured with his date and I could feel a good deal of pride as I saw ‘Sun Dazer’ was enjoying herself.

Another job well done.

Well, at least, it was supposed to be.

Like a curse from Murphy himself, a near-silent whisper only noticed by the Paragon wafted through the restaurant. It sent a chill up our spines, reminding us that dreams and hopes could still be crushed.

“I know that face…”

Leaf Brambles shifted in her seat, her eyes darting and fixing on Tale Spinner. Her horn already had a spell charging at its base. Apple Bake and Strawberry Drop tensed for just a moment, but not enough to give them away. Celestia remained completely oblivious to the whole situation.

Apple Bake has a very distinct shape and size, you see. He’s as large as a brick outhouse and probably the largest Paragon we’ve ever seen. Strawberry Drop had a bright red coat without her armour to mute her colours into the traditional white of the Royal Guard.

By now I had made my way in from outside, readying for the inevitable fallout to ensue. Tale Spinner made a beeline toward the large earth-pony.

“You,” she said, eyes narrowing as she pointed an accusatory hoof at Apple Bake. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?”

Apple kept his eyes forward for a moment, shooting a pleading look to Strawberry for a moment, before gulping down a nervous lump and turning to the unicorn ‘reporter’.

“No, ma’am, I don’t believe we have.” He was always respectful, every word far softer and kinder than his large build suggested.

Tale gave a dismissive wave. “No, no. I’m quite very sure we’ve met once before. At the Mayweather Faire last Spring.”

He froze. That event was nearly a disaster all in itself, but not for the same reasons things were about to fall apart now. Apple had met family there - and with the size of the Apple clan, it almost turned it into an unofficial reunion. It turned out to be a good thing, though. With the large crowd gathering, the local press didn’t get a chance to get anywhere close to the Princess.

“No, ma’am, I think you have me mistaken for somepony else,” Apple said timidly. Strawberry’s rock-rigid face was a sure sign of the absolute terror she was experiencing right now. She turned her eyes to Brambles, who just nodded back before getting up from her seat.

In one swift motion, Strawberry stood up from her chair, a sweet and falsetto smile plastered on her face. “Excuse me, dear. I just need to visit the little filly’s room.”

Tale Spinner waved dismissively at the pegasus before turning her full attention back to Apple Bake. “I heard you’re Apple clan. You are, aren’t you?”

Apple Bake swallowed nervously again. “Ma’am, I assure you, you have me confused with somepony else.”

Poor Apple. We’d have to make it up to him later - maybe a few ciders on us at the Sour Grape later on.

I met up with Brambles and Strawberry inside the filly’s room. It was empty save for the three of us, with Strawberry at the door to keep an eye on Apple and Sun. We needed a plan - fast. Tale Spinner wasn’t going anywhere soon and while Apple Bake’s patience rivalled that of Celestia, having the worm interrogated out of it could wear it quite thin.

“Contingency time,” Brambles said. “I’ve cast a simple warding spell - but Tango knows that Actual is here. Tango is scanning the place with a high-level scrying spell, possibly pronoun receptive - I’m not sure how much longer I can block her, so we need to mix things up a bit in here to distract her.”

The unicorn pointed a hoof at me. “Aegis, go to the 24-hour Quick-Mart and buy a box of cereal. Make sure it has a tacky plastic ring in it; open every box there if you have to.”

My eyes went wide in surprise, but I didn’t question her plan. She always had a plan, even if it was as knuckleheaded as Apple was stubborn.

Just as I exited the bathroom, I heard Leaf Brambles whispering frantically into Strawberry’s ear. I strode out of the restaurant as quickly as possible - I didn’t have time to question orders. Walking past Apple and Tale, I heard her, in all her wisdom and with her arsenal of potential questions, ask Apple the same question again. “Are you really sure I haven’t seen you before?”

Thank the sun, there was a night-shop open only a block away. Striding in, I made my way straight towards the cereal section, where my hunt for the elusive plastic-ring began. Without hesitation, I tore into the boxes. Bits of coloured cardboard flew into the air, cereal scattering across the cheaply tiled floor. One by one, each box became a casualty of the Cereal Aisle Massacre..

A nervous, stuttering voice pulled me out of my frenzy. “M - m - miss! Y - you can’t do that!” a gangly teenager behind the counter managed to blurt out.

I raised both eyebrows. “Oh.” I pulled a badge out from under my wing and flashed it at him. “Royal business, kid. Send the bill to the Solar Court.” I turned back to the boxes and resumed my ferocious attack on the cardboard penitentiaries. Although, I had to admit I was having a little fun. The nervous blabbering from the cashier wasn’t helping to keep the situation serious at all.

Which it was. This was a very serious situation.

“Gah! Don’t ANY of these boxes have toys?” I cried out in frustration. Shreds of cereal boxes lay strewn everywhere (I swear, I don’t know how some got on the ceiling). I dug through the decrepit remains of of the different coconut pops and crispy crumpets and other assorted cereals.

Like a bloodied murderer caught red-hoofed, I descended on the cashier, wings flared and steam snorting from my nostrils. “Where are the toys?”

“M - m - miss - the boxes haven’t come with toys f - for a few years now!” he stammered out nervously.

My eyes bugged out. "What? Since when did they deprive the fillies and colts of the delight of opening a fresh box of cereal!? Of breathing in that crisp sugary scent while digging frantically for that buried treasure!?" My voice was livid, the cashier cowering in utter fear as I advanced on him, cereal crunching underhoof. "It's unthinkable! Unfathomable! An abhorrent sin against all happiness!" I shook my head; I was getting off topic. “I need the cheapest, nastiest, plastic ring you can find. Something. Anything!”

Nostrils flared, I glared at him as he nervously pointed towards an arcade claw machine - lights flashing and music blaring out of it every few moments. In a rush, I plastered my face against the glass, searching for all the prizes.

A plastic ring with tacky gold paint and a single, delightfully fake gemstone that was just the right shade of turquoise rested on the top of the pile. It even came with a little chain for hanging around your neck.

Hurriedly, I searched myself for a few bits before coming to the grim realisation that I had forgotten my purse back at the barracks.

“I’m going to break this,” I said to the cashier, who could only manage a meek nod before my hoof collided with the glass. I may be a mare and I may be a pegasus, but you should never underestimate the strength of a Paragon. Shards of glass flew inwards with an ear-splitting crash. I dug inside the now-broken arcade machine and pulled out the ring and necklace, nicely wrapped around a large sponge.

“I’m going to get fired,” I heard him whimper as I made my way out. Nah, he wouldn’t get fired. Probably.

Brambles was waiting for me outside the restaurant by the time I got back. I hoofed over the ring and she scrutinised it closely. “This will do,” she said, folding it into an envelope along with a note.

“What’s the plan?” I asked.

“Drop this next to Apple Bake discreetly before taking a seat. I’ll make him aware of it and the note inside will explain the rest of the plan.”

That wasn’t as much as I wanted to know, but it was all I had to go on. I nodded and tucked the letter under my wing before sauntering inside with Brambles right behind me. Apple Bake looked like he was trying very hard not to break into a nervous sweat - Tale Spinner’s quill was working furiously with her magic against the notepad. Strawberry Drop had resumed her position, seated opposite the large earth-pony.

“So you’re sure that the entire ‘reunion’ was unplanned, then?” Tale asked, the quill writing far more words than what was being said.

“Yes, ma’am.”

I walked past, dropping the envelope onto the floor. A quick check around showed nopony had noticed. As I took a seat at the far corner and a waiter came to take my order (creme brulee with a glass of wine), I focused on Princess Celestia. I breathed an internal sigh of relief - she hadn’t noticed anything was amiss. Her date was going well, and she even seemed to be warming up to the stallion.

My focus shifted to Apple and Strawberry. Brambles trotted by, picking up the dropped envelope and giving it to Apple. “I’m sorry, sir, but you seem to have dropped this.” She gave a knowing nod to the earth-pony before moving outside again.

Discreetly (which was very surprising given his size) he was able to read the note. In a flash, the nervousness disappeared from his face and he held up a hoof, cutting off Tale Spinner mid-question.

“I’m ever so sorry to interrupt, ma’am, but this is a special night for me. You’ll have to excuse me.”

The plan finally started to click into place in my head. I grinned widely - or at least as wide as I could without arousing suspicion.

In an overly elaborate fashion, the steam-engine of a stallion pushed out his chair and rose to his full height. He locked his eyes directly with Strawberry’s, whose own eyes went wide. He cleared his throat and made as if he were about to launch into a long tirade but changed his mind at the last second.

“Dear, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time - and I’m sorry to have the good ma’am here interrupt me on this special night.” A sleight of hoof trick and he pulled the ring and chain from his coat’s pocket. “I had planned for this when our meals arrived, but I could not interrupt the kind and inquisitive ma’am.”

I couldn’t help my grin; I really couldn’t. By now almost everypony’s eyes were on the center table, with Apple Bake giving the largest, sappiest bow in Equestrian history.

“Will you marry me?”

In his hoof was the ring, presented neatly and lovingly towards Strawberry.

“M - marry…?” Strawberry stammered weakly. It was a good thing her coat was as red as her namesake as I’m sure she was blushing deeply. Her breath caught in her throat as she brought her hooves weakly to her face. “M - me?”

Apple Bake nodded, his face ever stoic.

Strawberry mumbled a few words unintelligibly, tears starting to leak from her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Apple said, still on his knees with the ring on his hoof.

“I said yes!” Strawberry cried out, leaping across the table and pulling him into a powerful hug.

The entire restaurant burst into cheers and applause. Some patrons shot Tale Spinner menacing glares - it was clear she wasn’t welcome here anymore.

Tail tucked between her legs, the unicorn backed out of the building slowly. I glanced at Celestia; she had finally taken notice, but had a faint smile on her lips. At least we didn’t have to worry about that harpy bothering the Princess anymore.

Strawberry was sobbing with what looked like happiness. Either, she was serious in her acting, or was taking this act seriously.

We did let her know that this was all an act, right?

‘Sun Dazer’ made her way to the table with Earnest Stroke. Both sported happy smiles on their faces. “I just wanted to wish you two a very happy marriage,” she said warmly, hoof in arm with Eager. “Congratulations, I’m sure that you’ll both have many happy days ahead of you.”

The two made their way to the door. I settled the bill (Brambles had given me a few bits) and followed the couple out. There were still cheers and congratulations ringing out from inside, but we needed to keep an eye on the Princess. Brambles, Penny Drop and Perfect Measure followed closely. It was a low-risk situation, so only three would do.

I waited patiently for the budding ‘couple’ to finally make it out of the restaurant, which took a lot longer than expected. Strawberry was clinging to Apple’s arm with a stupid grin plastered across her face, Apple himself sporting an overly serious look - the type when he was showing proper concentration and dedication.

I nodded to both of them before taking wing. Strawberry followed shortly behind me, that grin never fading from her face.

“Wow, Berry, I have to say,” I said as we made our rounds to Eager Stroke’s residence. A little pre-planning earlier let us know where the Princess would be heading. “That was a brilliant act you put on there. For a second, I figured you took the whole thing seriously.

Strawberry took a few seconds longer than she needed to to respond. Oh no...don’t tell me.

“You - you mean we’re not actually getting married?”

Author's Note

A big big big thank you to Cormac McCloppy for editted and proof-reading this chapter. He helped out a great deal with it.

My first real take at Comedy and Slice of Life. If you like or fave this story, please leave a comment and let me know why!

If you dislike this story, leave a comment and let me know why (so I can fix it and make it better.)

The Antics of Little Twily

There is something about unicorns that makes me worry about being one. We have magic. We have a bony protrusion from our skulls that is capable of channeling the raw energies of the universe, that can be used to forge fires, knit wounds closed and even move the celestial bodies around, if you can channel enough of it.

What do we use it for? Mundane things. Ordinary, day-to-day events just to make our lives a teensy bit easier; opening a faucet or lifting a glass of water or even moving a paint brush if we're feeling creative.

Unicorns these days really don’t understand the power they’ve been blessed with.

Which is why when a little purple menace decided to pop into our lives, her curiosity surrounding that fundamental unicorn ability was somewhat refreshing and perhaps just a little terrifying.

Me? Oh - Sorry. I’m Leaf Brambles. I’m the current Team Lead of the Mage-Casters. Of course, that title is a little archaic; I’d prefer something like Unicorn Division or something more practical.

Captain Stone Craft is the leader of the Flight-Masters and Velvet Ward is the leader of the Earth-Grinders. Ugh, just thinking of those stupid titles is giving me a headache... I’m getting off track. The purple menace, yes.

The resounding explosion that shook the castle had sent all of us into high alert. In seconds, six Paragons surrounded Celestia. Two minutes later and the rest of us joined her. I’ve worked it out - it takes almost exactly 62 seconds for six Paragon to fully suit up and another twelve to mass-teleport to Celestia. 62 seconds? Well, us unicorns use our ‘mundane’ magic to practically fling our armour onto the rest of the guard. It’s a well-practiced, well-oiled routine.

To say I was surprised to see a massive dragon towering over Canterlot, a look on his face suggesting he’d just passed wind, forgotten about it, and was wondering what that strange smell was...well, I’d say that ‘surprise’ doesn’t quite cut it.

A dragon...in Canterlot. We hadn’t really accounted for that in the past and I guess it came back to rear its ugly purple head at us now. Sure, we’ve got plans for if the dragons ever decide to attack us, but not for one mysteriously popping into existence...

Then again, the fact that the dragon immediately shrunk down and disappeared left us more confused than surprised.

What really sent us reeling was when Celestia’s off-hoof comment about how it was about time.

I could only imagine the disbelief on my face when the Princess told us that there wasn’t an immediate threat, despite the hundred-foot tall dragon and the mysterious ‘Rainboom’. But hey, what do we know? Celestia is thousands of years old. The oldest of us is Stone Craft, and he’s what, Forty? Fifty? Even he trusts Celestia’s judgement unquestioningly.

So did the rest of us. Turns out Celestia took interest in this little unicorn filly. Twilight Sparkle; she was inquisitive, intelligent but most of all had an unnatural talent at magic itself. This was a bad thing.

The purple menace. At every turn that filly was trying to do something she really, really shouldn’t be. She tried and failed a total of three times to get into the forbidden section of the castle library. The fourth time? She made it out with a dark-magic book, and thank Celestia she only managed to learn one spell from it before we found out.

We found out exactly which spell when trying to deal with a sudden riot inside Canterlot Castle one evening. Celestia was having a well-deserved rest and it required minimal duty - only three Paragons were needed. Myself, Perfect Measure and Aegis Hammer were on duty at the time, with Measure having taken that moment to perform a quick perimeter sweep while the two of us kept watch outside Celestia’s door.

A sudden, loud and thunderous rabble of ponies came pounding down the halls, snapping us to attention. Guards, servants and even the guests were rampaging down the halls screaming about their desire for something and were too caught up fighting over each other to even bother stating what they were after.

I was one of the lucky ones. Immediately after spotting the little red ball the mob was chasing after, I felt a sudden urge to own it. To possess it. By Celestia’s name, I needed that ball more than anything I have ever needed in my entire life!

Which is when I realised it was enchanted. It took a monumental effort, some short string of curse words and a headache inducing amount of magic to activate a warding spell. The other Paragon...wasn’t so lucky.

“I want it…” I heard Aegis Hammer mutter.

“Aegis, focus. It’s an enchanted ball.” I knew my words would fall on deaf ears, but I had to try regardless.

“I - I need it…” Aegis continued, completely oblivious to what I said. Her halberd dropped to the floor with a clatter which I suppose was for the best because what happened next was nothing short of terrifying.

The Paragon Guard are trained in martial combat and Aegis, being an ex-blacksmith, was large even when compared to earth-pony standards. She’s the only one who can last more than ten seconds against Apple Bake in a hoof-wrestle.

“Aegis...no,” I warned, moving in front of her.

“But! It’s bouncy!” she whined, wings flaring out.

“Aegis, it’s a high-level enchantment and your mind is being manipulated!”

“It’s red!” she cried out again, craning her neck to try and see past me. “I want it and I need it!”

“Aegis, sto - !” I tried to order but was promptly bowled over by what felt like a freight train that forgot how to use its brakes. Leaping to my hooves, I shouted down the corridor. “Aegis Hammer! I order you back here! Now!” I was too late - the pegasus had already made it around the corner with the rest of the mob following the ball.

There was a loud crash followed by a series of painful thuds and several seconds of worrying silence.

I’m not sure if it was a delusional hallucination or if I could actually hear the soft ponging noise of the ball as it bounced around the corner, that painful compulsion spell trying ever so desperately to worm itself into my mind.

“I want it!”

“I need it!”

It was pandemonium. I could’ve sworn every guest, guard and servant in the palace was charging towards me hungry for that rubber ball. Punches and shoves were thrown haphazardly.

The tiny red ball rolled past me and it was all I could do to pay it no mind. I had a greater threat to deal with: an indomitable wall of ponies. In a flash a shield-spell was ready to protect myself.

I heard the unmistakable cry of one very large pegasus. “Get out of the way!”

The rioting crowd almost exploded outwards in a shower of suddenly and violently misplaced ponies as Aegis Hammer bowled through the lot, wings spread out and a furious glint in her eyes.

“Oh crumbs…” I muttered. What else was I supposed to do? I was almost able to throw up a frontal shield spell but Aegis was too fast. My basic shield wasn’t nearly powerful enough to protect against the rampaging pegasus.

A second time I got slammed into by the equivalent force of a freight train, spots filling my vision this time. It took a few seconds to re-orientate myself before coming to a second, crushing realisation.

“Oh crumbs…” I muttered again, hearing the commotion of the recovering mob behind me. No. Not this time! I was not about to become a red carpet for a riot of ponies I haven’t met yet!

Swinging around, my shield spell was fully prepped and charged.

“Come at me!”

The mob slammed into a magical wall with the fury of a thousand rabid manticores, but by Celestia’s name I would not budge. I charged a second spell at the base of my horn, the tingling sensation and the concentration needed starting to overwrite the warding spell. “All of you are enchanted!” I cried out. “A mind manipulation spell is overwriting your common sense!”

“But I need that wonderful, amazing ball!” somepony called out. An argument quickly rose up amongst the ranks on who wanted and need the ball the most. It was sickening, in a way.

“Enough!” I commanded, unleashing the charged mass-dispel. In hindsight it wasn’t the most well thought out spell I could have cast, considering my shield was caught up in the dispel and disappeared instantly. I suddenly found myself the sole object holding up a wall of at least 30 ponies.

“Oh crumbs.”

Being crushed by a mob of ponies was definitely not on my bucket list, but I decided to check it off anyways. Admittedly, all that extra weight did help work out a cramp behind my left shoulder, which was nice. The extra bruises and other pains weren’t so nice, though, and I think I may have displaced a vertebra or two. I’m sure my chiropractor will love me for it.

It took more minutes that I cared to count to pry myself from pony pile-up. Suffice to say, everypony involved looked thoroughly embarrassed about the whole incident. A stern look was all it took to send them on their way.

All that was left was one pegasus guard who was nowhere in sight.

I wanted to use the word ‘crumbs’ again, but considering the situation I felt a different word was necessary. A more powerful and elegant word that would properly encapsulate how I exactly felt at that moment in that situation.

“Bollocks.”

I found the oversized pegasi giggling like a mad mare to herself, stroking a tiny red ball. The compulsion spell was still thickly wrapped around it but my own mental defenses had been thoroughly hardened by now to resist its wicked charms. The mare quickly wrapped her wings around it protectively at the sight of me approaching.

“Aegis Hammer, drop that ball. Now.” My voice was calm but firm. I needed direct line-of-sight in order to remove the spell from the object and with Aegis shielding it, that was next to impossible.

She shook her head, curling further around the ball. “Nuh-uh.”

My eyes narrowed, the fury glinting behind them enough to send the pegasus in a quivering wreck. She shook her head, still refusing to give up the ball.

I stamped my hoof, pulling myself to my full height. “As the commanding officer on duty, I order you to release custody of that ball and to step away from it.”

I didn’t realise the kind of effect a direct military order would have on Aegis. All Paragon Guards are trained to follow orders to the letter and to never question it. It was a part of our mental conditioning, if you wanted to call it that.

The look of sheer abject terror on her face as her body slowly started to spasm sent a few pangs of doubt into me. Her eyes went as wide as saucers, her body shivering for a reason I didn’t quite understand, Aegis curled away from the ball and stood up. She bit her lip, clenching her eyes shut. I could only imagine the pure power of will she summoned in order to overcome the compulsion from the ball.

A quick dispel later and the ball was as harmless as Apple Bake’s personality.

Aegis seemed to very quickly regain her composure, although she remained as white as a sheet for the rest of the evening.

Perfect Measure had elected that moment to be the perfect time to come back from her patrol. Her confused face looked between Aegis terror-stricken and my own frustrated and sweaty face. “Did I...miss something?” she said as she resumed her position next to Aegis.

I lifted the ball up in my magic and hovered it in front of the earth pony. “An errant compulsion spell was attached to this thing and caused a riot.”

Measure considered the ball for a moment before chuckling. “Doesn’t seem so bad to me.”

I shook my head. “Well, this darned thing almost overpowered my defensive magic. Whoever did this has strong magic.”

Perfect Measure shrugged. “I expect that you’ll have a full investigation, then?”

I nodded solemnly. The three of us resumed our watch, occasionally switching out to do a perimeter patrol.

The investigation revealed who our purple little terror was and exactly what it was she was after. The ball had first appeared near the library wing and after Velvet Ward’s suggestion we organised an emergency stock-take of the entire castle library.

The missing book, among others, was “Master’s Magical Mind Matters, the Mindful Manual of Manipulation.” Aegis giggled at that - she loves using ‘added alliterative appeal’ as she calls it. A quick glare was all it took to shush her up temporarily, but the constant snickering from her direction was highly irritating and distracting.

Little Twilight Sparkle had turned herself in a few days after we announced to all staff the library had been broken into. I recognised the terror from the mysterious dragon attack and would have very much liked to tan her backside till it turned a dark shade of violet, but Princess’ orders were to leave the situation be.

I don’t think Twilight realises just how lucky she is to have Princess Celestia on her side. It grates me every damn day, but I have to grit my teeth and bear with it. Aegis Hammer seemed to love Twilight; she thought that the little filly was the most adorable thing in all creation. I wish I could beat some sense into her, but I think I’d crack my hoof on her thick skull.

I wrote off the whole incident as a once-off. The Princess had assured us Twilight had received a very stern talking to and it wouldn’t happen again.

Sweet, innocent little me hoped that would be the last of her. I was so hopelessly wrong.

Author's Note

For added hilarity, picture Leaf Brambles talking in a Estuary English/Southeast British accent (The same accent Gordon Ramsay has). For even more, replace several punctuation marks with swear-words.

Whooh! Another chapter! And this one took far longer than I wanted it to take. Sorry about that all >_<

I hope to keep a steady schedule with all of this. I still have another chapter written (Although in heavy need of revision) and a few other chapter ideas. Keeping in mind, this isn't the last we'll be hearing about little Twily Sparky...

I hope to be moving a little more into "Slice of Life" territory with future chapters. Comedy is hard at times, believe it or not.

And again - any errors you spot, let me know! And if you faved the story, leave a Like as well! And if you liked the story, leave a comment letting me know why.

Many thanks to Commander117, ward282 and metallusionsismagic for helping me out with proof-reading and editing.

The New Guy (Poker Night)

Author's Note

This chapter is narrated by Aegis Hammer.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find an organic way to slot in this piece of information into the actual chapter.

The New Guy (Poker Night)

Hope Wing was a nice pegasus - he always had a joke to add at the most inappropriate of times and was often able to sneak extra snack-cakes from the kitchen. Captain Stone Craft loved snack-cakes.

Too bad about Hope’s last wing injury. There were still a good few years left before retirement for him. We’ll miss the oaf a lot, but like all of us: once a Paragon, always a Paragon. On our off nights we’d still meet for ale and darts.

The Paragon always need six on duty at all times. We take shifts during the quieter times and on the rare occasion only three or four will be on active guard, but in times of crisis we’re escalated to the full detail. Twelve Paragon Guards at full might - often our sheer passive authority was enough to deter any potential threats to the Princess.

Except, there were now eleven of us. With the tight shifts we ran, even being one short put a strain on the rest of us at times, especially during war-time when all of the Paragons were required to be on duty.

So, a bright-eyed pegasus fresh from receiving a Distinguished Sunburst award was chosen. One of the most devoted, loyal and decorated of the Royal Guard: Sunflower Seeds. His mane was dark like the center of a sunflower (big surprise) and he had a pleasant yellow coat.

All of the Solar Guard wore enchanted armour - it magically changed our coat and manes to the same colour. It was ancient magic that I didn’t quite understand, but the tactical advantage was important: as an army that looks the same through and through, it was difficult trying to single one of us out.

Sunflower was as loyal and fanatical as they came. All background checks were squeaky clean and he had been slated for promotion to Paragon for a long time. I heard he had practically jumped for joy when he was given the offer; I know I did when I was.

The two months of training afterwards however, wasn’t so joyful. I had personally overseen the new guy’s training. I tried everything to break down his will, but not once did he break a sweat. All of us had gone through the same training - grueling, tiring and informative.

Each Paragon was expected to know everything from first-aid and combat medicine to advanced defensive tactics and even magic resistance techniques. Sunflower had taken to it like a moth to flame.

Which was very sad. I was hoping to get a little more excitement out of him. Oh well, we had our ways to properly ‘break’ them in.

The New Guy (as we dubbed him for now, until a more appropriate title came along) remained as rigid as the day he signed up for the guard all those years ago. He saluted the Princess at every turn and never spoke out of line. Around the rest of us, he was a bit better relaxed. A little more open, although not by much.

We were all brothers and sisters here - a bond forged by the fires of duty and friendship; even if some of us didn’t fully realise it yet.

Every Thursday, the off-duty Paragon have Poker Night. It’s a sacred tradition that often resulted in fun, drunkenness, fun drunkenness, and abject humiliation. We didn’t bet bits. We bet dares, embarrassing life stories, different shifts and sometimes even possessions. Each round was ‘lost’ by the pony who scored the lowest set of cards. Sure, it was unorthodox, but it kept the evening exciting.

Sunflower Seeds unsurprisingly always played safe. There was no fun making minor bets like ‘My first kiss’ or ‘that time my parents discovered my clop collection’. We needed the juicy stuff - sheer, soul-cringing humiliation.

He’d loosen up soon enough, he just didn’t know it yet.

Six of us sat around a table - I had bet my Thursday morning break and the story of the time the head of the kitchen staff caught me sneaking some snack-cakes out. If I lost this, then sleeping in would be out of the question - and everypony knew how much I loved sleeping in. Plus, there were...consequences to being caught stealing from the Royal Kitchens and I’m sure the crew would’ve loved to hear the torture Rams Head had put me through.

Penny Drop, our resident unicorn discretion-specialist had gone all in with offering to share the time she’d lost a bet against Celestia. Sunflower Seeds was fairly reserved, betting his Friday evening break plus the story of when he first asked his crush out.

Perfect Measure, a stout earth-pony mare, offered to share a disaster from her stint at a distant brewery, and Swift Bulwark - the only stallion in the unicorn division - had bet his story of meeting his first marefriend.

The only pony left who hadn’t cast anything in was Velvet Ward, another stodgy earth-pony mare (All of the Paragon Earth-Grinders were large and well-built. It helped a great deal with their passive authority).

Our games of poker could last dozens of rounds and many hours - very often stories would last a fair while, but they were always shared while setting up and playing the next round. The real patience was in trying to think of something worth betting. None of us minded the wait, patience is a virtue after all.

Velvet’s face lit up, and she opened her mouth, about to say something, when the door creaked slightly, somepony busy entering. All six of us snapped our heads towards the door, ears perked up and bodies ready to react to any danger, news or orders coming through.

A visible sigh of relief was exhaled by the room as a regal, white alicorn entered, a cheerful smile on her face.

Sunflower immediately stiffened up in his chair and saluted with a wing. “Evening, Princess.”

I tried not to cringe. Sunflower was still too new at his position to realise the Princess really...was one of us.

“Oh, there’s no need to be so formal Sunflower,” Celestia said warmly, smiling at him. “We’re all friends here. I had a few things to deal with after the Day Court ended but I decided to pay a visit to all of you.”

“Much obliged, Princess,” Swift Bulwark said, raising his mug of beer towards Celestia in a half-hearted salute. Sunflower seemed to squirm at this level of informality in the presence of such a regal and holy being - he had almost thrown a fit when he found out alcohol was involved, considering it was a gross violation of the Royal Guard conduct.

I locked eyes with Velvet. We both grinned at the same time - a plan was already brewing.

Celestia moved towards the table, and the Paragon shifted to make space for her. “Might I ask if there is room for one more?”

I nodded, dealing out another set of cards for the Princess. “Of course, Princess. There’s always room for you. Although, it’s been a good few months since you last joined us.”

A sad look came over Celestia’s face as her magic picked up and examined her set of cards. “I regret, royal duties take far too much free time away from me.”

I, and a few other Paragon, nodded in sympathy. We quickly shared the stakes, still waiting on Velvet’s turn. I nodded to her, that stupid grin spreading itself on my face again.

With a flourish and a mischievous grin that could match the statue of Chaos itself, the earth-pony very proudly declared her bet:

“My bet, to whomever loses, is to call Princess Celestia ‘Sunbutt’.” There was a slight coughing and spluttering as Sunflower Seeds tried ever so hard and failed not to spit out his drink (non-alcoholic, of course). Velvet’s eyes darted to the side, measuring his reaction, before she offered the final ultimatum: “To her face.”

There was a low ‘Oooh’ from everypony at the table and murmurs were shared amongst all of us. However, it was too much for the poor New Guy. His eyes bugged out as his face visibly paled. He turned to the Princess, wide-eyed and fearful - expecting the divine retribution from the divine representation of the sun.

Princess Celestia didn’t say anything for a long while. She simply raised an eyebrow, examining her cards pointedly before neatly laying them down on the table in front of her. She leaned forward ever so slightly, the hint of a smirk touch the corners of her mouth as she spoke.

“I see your bet, and I raise the dare that you will have to call me by that name for a whole week.”

Sunflower looked like he was trying to shrink back into his seat, seeing how firmly he was pressing himself into it. Hooves shaking he took his set of cards and placed them against the table, before pushing them away with his wings. “I - I f - fold…” he stammered, turning away.

We all burst out into laughter, slamming our hooves against the table us our uproar filled the small room. Even Celestia raised a hoof to cover the giggle escaping from her.

I wrapped a foreleg around Sunflower’s shoulders, pulling myself closer. He flinched at the touch of me like I were some madpony intent on spreading my insanity. I suppose all of us were madponies - you had to be to stay even remotely sane with our antics. “Oh, Sunflower. You’ll learn in time,” I managed to get in between the fits of laughter.

“L - learn what?” he stammered out.

“We’re family. One drunken, devoted, delightful family, and there isn’t a thing in the world we wouldn’t do for each other. There’s more to a Paragon than the armour and the duty.”

Celestia nodded. “Indeed. I chose these ponies because of the bond of friendship and love they’ve forged over the years.”

I poked Sunflower in the chest. “You’ll learn, new guy, you’ll learn…” I shuffled back into my seat, picking up my cards again. With a smile, I put them against the table and pushed them away. “I fold.”

The rest quickly followed suit, leaving Princess Celestia as the winner. The incredulous look Sunflower gave all of us only spurred on further fits of laughter. Perfect Measure downed her mug before setting it on the table. “In all of Paragon history, Princess Celestia has never lost a single game of poker. We’d rather just fold now and quit with our tails between our legs before we dig a ditch too deep to climb out of.”

Velvet shrugged, pouring another round of drinks, to which Celestia politely declined. “Well - I guess we’d better start with the next round. This night isn’t getting any younger.”

Sunflower Seeds visibly slumped in his chair, a defeated sigh escaping from him. He glanced around at the rest of us and I could see his eyes linger a moment longer on Celestia than they did with the rest of us. They held a fascinated, yet weary look behind them as he regarded the six other ponies around him.

“Permission to speak freely?” Sunflower asked. I cocked an eyebrow as I hid my surprise behind a freshly topped up mug of brew.

The acting officer on duty was Velvet Ward, but she waved nonchalantly towards Princess Celestia. She, too, raised an eyebrow and for a brief moment I had to wonder what was going on behind those regal eyes of hers. What machinations was she up to this time?

“You may speak freely, Sunflower,” Celestia said calmly.

The pegasus stallion shifted in his seat. He motioned to Velvet to pour him a drink (alcoholic this time) before he took a hard swig of it. “Are you guys always like this?”

I snorted into my mug, almost spilling its contents all over the table. A light chuckle was shared around the table as Penny Drop guffawed. “All the damn time, New Guy. Earn your stripes and you’ll fit in nicely.” She smiled, shaking her head. Her speech was cryptic at times and I never understood half of what she said but she had a point; it would only be a matter of time before Sunflower slotted in nicely with the rest of us.

A new set of cards was dealt out and the seven of us settled down into our next round of poker. Sunflower had a renewed look of determination, causing me to smirk a little.

It was a good thing these sort of activities were private - nopony would take us seriously if they saw what went on here. Then again, they wouldn’t understand the type of bonding we did; and it looked like the New Guy was finally starting to see the true strength of the Paragon.

Cadet Armour and the Little Red Ball

Little Twilight had caused a lot of hassle in the weeks that followed the ‘Red Ball Incident,’ the worst of which was the mountains of paperwork involved in collecting testimonies, organising the emergency stock-take of the library and in general trying to get a full picture of the events that had occurred.

And because yours-truly had originally ordered the stock-take it was up to yours-truly to file all the necessary paperwork. The Princess had the annual National Dessert Competition and half the Paragon were assigned to accompany her. Every year they come up with something more elaborate and more disgustingly tacky in comparison to the previous year. It was almost a relief to be stuck doing paperwork, considering that every damned time I had been there at least one drunken pony had tried to flirt with me. It was, quite frankly, demeaning and humiliating. I had no interest in finding a partner and I couldn’t see why everypony else deemed otherwise.

Even a simple event like that required paperwork. Reports and requisition forms had to be filled out and background checks ran on all of the competitors competing, considering that Princess Celestia was the chief judge (and hence also a taster). You would be surprised in the number of botched assassination attempts that would occur through such events.

Anyway I digress. I had nothing to do with that competition, but I was stuck here in the castle having a mountain of different forms to fill out. It provided just the right level of monotony to prove annoying without driving me suicidal.

Nopony liked paperwork...

I had to get statements from everypony - and I mean every single pony. It ranged from who had bore witness, to who was affected or who had even been in the general vicinity to notice what had happened. I learned a few interesting facts about that evening:

Aegis Hammer had developed a…”condition”. I had to ask her twice to confirm, but it seems that the whole incident had really shaken up the poor girl. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry (I think I actually did a bit of both, in private of course) but I promised to keep it a secret.

The second bit of information I learned however, was that a certain cadet: Shining Armour, was caught up in the whole affair. It was one thing to be a Royal Guard and allow yourself to be affected by such a simplistic trick, but it was an entirely different thing to be the older brother of the pony responsible. He was supposed to be the responsible one, the paragon example of the two siblings.

The fact he failed in such a task did not speak well of his character. I already had a plan hatching in my head. Firstly, I needed to verify the state of his character. Secondly, and more importantly, doing so would alleviate the monumental boredom I was suffering through right now.

Stamping a few more forms, I let the plot brew in my mind. I’m a meticulous thinker, and with the wealth of knowledge I had learned in the past few days I practically had a full arsenal of intellectual weaponry. I stamped a few more forms and allowed the storm in my head to slowly simmer into a gentle breeze.

Nopony seemed to realise: I was livid. Twilight had almost caused serious injury with her errant spell and as far as I was made aware she had received nothing more than a slap on the hoof.

I left my half-finished filing and stood up from my desk, the plan finally hatched. Cadet Armour would be somewhere within the castle grounds and the best place to find his schedule was the recruitment office.

I levitated my helmet on, a slight shimmering changed my coat from a deep root-green to the placid white of the Royal Guard as the enchantments activated. I double-checked that my breastplate was fitting comfortably and that my rank-stripe was affixed properly to the front. It was less a ribbon and more a special emblem the Paragon received that superseded all others.

Its design was modest: a sunburst with a simplistic shield icon behind it. To the average bystander I would look like just your normal Royal Guardspony, but among the rank and file, the emblem commanded instant respect.

I didn’t even bother knocking as I entered the recruitment office. The room was as bland as it was as piled up with application forms. I almost felt sorry for the stallion busy working through the paperwork, he had a thoroughly bored look on his face.

He jumped up in his seat as the door burst open. Upon realising it was me, he settled down, brushed off some unseen dust before he stared at me, his eyes narrowing in suspicion for a moment.

“Can I help you…?”

“I require the schedule information for cadet Shining Armour, recruit ID. 541-8779.” My request was simple and said with authority. I hoped he was wise enough to ask questions else I’d have to grill his backside, too…

His eyes narrowed further, focusing on my rank-stripe. After taking in the details he looked back up at me. “I will require you to verify your authority, Ma’am,” he replied formally. His posture stiffened a little.

“Captain Leaf Brambles of the Paragon Guard, rank Tier One second only to the Crown,” I replied in a steady, even voice. “Guard ID: 100-0011.”

“Verification code?” he asked. My brow furrowed into a scowl as I took a step towards him. A bead of sweat broke out on his forehead, but he still held a relentless look right back at me.

“Verification: ‘Purple potted plants protect pink peonies.’” I cringed as I said the words. None of us liked that phrase; it was comical, a tongue-twister and I couldn’t wait until next week when the new verification phrase got circulated. Even Aegis said it was wearing her down.

He nodded, before shuffling around some of the pages and pulling out a time-sheet and passing it over to me. “Here is the full schedule for cadet Armour for the next week, after which it will be reviewed and renewed.”

My magic grasped the paper and I studied it for a few moments before giving it back. “Thank you.” I turned back towards the entrance. I swear I could hear his breath catch in his throat as I stopped at the door and turned around. “By the way, very good in verifying my identity. I’d have to report you to the necessary authorities had you just given out a schedule willy-nilly.”

He breathed a visible sigh of relief and slumped back into his chair. He shook his head. “Permission to speak freely, Ma’am?” he asked. After I nodded he continued. “May I ask why a Paragon is interested in a cadet?”

“Are you aware of the incident requiring an emergency re-filing and stock-take of the castle library?” I asked. He nodded. “Shining Armour is her brother.”

The stallion blinked blankly for a few moments as I gave some time for the gears to turn. His mouth shaped into a comprehending ‘O’ before shaking his head. “Go easy on the guy.”

I didn’t reply, instead leaving the recruitment office. Shining Armour was patrolling the inner courtyard - a relatively quiet area during this time of the day. Princess Celestia often enjoyed her morning tea in this area as the arrangement of trees had been trimmed to provide the perfect amount of shade.

My target had his back turned, his eyes dutifully scanning out for any potential intruders. “Cadet Armour!” I barked out, the young unicorn jumping at the sudden intrusive sound of my voice. His whole body tensed as he turned around, ready to face whatever dared to trespass the Princess’ royal tea-grounds.

Almost immediately he snapped to attention at the sight of a superior officer. Good. I liked it when they paid attention. His hoof quickly swung upwards in salute as I approached.

“At ease, cadet.”

He shuffled slightly and relaxed his posture, but still kept his gaze ramrod stiff and straight ahead.

I circled clockwise around him and I could sense him tensing up again. I was a predator, and he was a prey animal that couldn’t go anywhere. At least, that’s what I figured was going through his mind considering I was studying every little detail about him.

“I saw you were present during the incident almost two weeks ago,” I casually said, still continuing to pace around him.

He swallowed, the noise almost painfully loud and very clearly showing his nervousness. His eyes worked left and right for a moment, trying to come up with a response. I knew the pain he was going through: trying to admit to a fault without actually admitting to the fault in question was damned-near the most difficult thing ever.

I decided to end his suffering. “You were a part of the rabble that had been enchanted by the red ball.”

“Sir, yes sir.” Cat’s out of the bag now, no point is trying to hide it.

“Are you aware of who enchanted the ball, cadet?”

He didn’t move a muscle, no longer at ease. “No sir.”

I coughed, his body stiffening even more. “‘Sir, no sir,’” I corrected, my voice a low growl.

“Sir, no sir!” he corrected himself, his voice now yelling like a fresh recruit going through boot-camp. I could see the cold sweat breaking over his brow, probably made even more uncomfortable by the standard-issue helmet he was wearing. They never fit right, and only the higher officers could get a custom-fitted one.

“The pony responsible, as I have found out, is none other that Twilight Sparkle.” I allowed the words to sink in, stopping at his right side. When no response came I continued circling. “Your little sister is the Princess’ personal protege and I’m inclined to think she’s receiving special treatment because of it.”

Shining Armour didn’t say anything, which was good because I hadn’t actually asked him a question. The sweat had crept over the rest of his body, the white fur underneath the armour starting to mat.

My magic pulled out a small, red ball from under my armour and I presented it to Shining. His eyes fluttered wide for a moment as he recognised it. “Now, this here is the artifact in question, as I’m sure you know. It has since had its enchantment dispelled and it is harmless.” My magic threw the ball a few times against the nearby terrace, a satisfying ‘pong’ noise emanating from it each time. “On the third floor of the main barracks is a door hidden by a basic illusion charm. I wish for you to knock three times and deliver this ball to the pony that answers it. Understood?”

I left my question clearly stated and waited. Shining didn’t make any movement save for his lips. “Sir, yes sir,” he respond but didn’t move.

“I presume your lack of movement is because you’re currently under orders to guard this terrace?”

“Sir, yes sir,” he replied.

“You are temporarily relieved to carry out my orders. I will fulfil your role in the meantime.” I levitated the ball in front of him and allowed his own magic to grasp it before he set off on a rigid march.

I gave it fifteen minutes before he returned. What I wasn’t expecting was a large pegasus with a white-speckled brown coat to be marching right beside him. Shining Armour sported a shiner on his left eye but he kept a professional and rigid expression and stance. Aegis Hammer, however, was absolutely steaming with rage. Her wings were half-drawn and the feathers still bristling with anger.

I would never forget the expression of pure hate on her face. It was the last thing I remember seeing before a hoof connected with my jaw and I was laying sprawled on the grass, the furious and heavily breathing pegasus towering over me. “You jerk! I told you not to tell anypony! How am I supposed to explain to everypony that I decked a new recruit in the face because of an irrational fear of red balls?!”

Aegis Hammer was usually happy-go-lucky. Even during the toughest and most infuriating operations she always kept a refreshing cheer about her. The fact that her face was pale and a cold sweat had broken over her entire hide meant I must have struck a very deep nerve.

Pushing myself up, I resumed my stance. To be fair, I very much deserved that punch in the face. I strode right past Aegis and up to Shining Armour. The nervousness from earlier was completely gone, replaced by a stony look. I could tell he was probably fuming at me, but I was still a superior officer.

“Cadet Armour,” I began. He acknowledged me with a simple glance of his eyes. “I will require a full report of what happened. Due to a superior officer willfully putting you into a dangerous situation I will require you to file a report to ensure all guilty parties are disciplined appropriately.” Surprise flashed behind his eyes. Aegis spluttered a little but she ultimately held her tongue.

He didn’t say anything until I raised an eyebrow. “Your report, cadet?”

“As per your orders, I found the door with a simple scrying spell,” he began in a deadpan tone, “Upon knocking three times the pegasus mare currently accompanying us answered the door. I clearly stated my orders and intent before presenting the rubber ball to her.”

“You deliberately sent him with that - that - that THING!” Aegis yelled, beating her wings before folding them in. I silenced her with a wave of my hoof.

“Continue, cadet.”

“Upon seeing the ball, the mare screamed and assaulted me,” he continued. “I was able to throw up a defensive barrier, however she broke through it.” There was a faint scowl hidden in his voice but I chose to ignore it. “I was able to retain my composure and after a brief conversation, my orders complete, I returned here.”

“Aegis Hammer punched you?” I asked. Shining Armour nodded firmly, his one eye still looking past me at a small spot in the distance, the other swollen shut. I turned to Aegis. “Can you confirm this?”

The pegasus’ eyes narrowed. “I can confirm that I did punch a new recruit in the face.”

“And he remained standing?” My question hung in the air for a few seconds.

“Well, he didn’t fall down if that’s what you mean…” Aegis replied, her voice growing a little sheepish. I raised an eyebrow at her and realisation began to dawn on her face. “You mean...oh wow. Okay, yeah, I think I see your point.”

I turned back to Shining Armour, his anger-filled discipline starting to fade into mild confusion. I offered him a smile. “Congratulations, Shining Armour. I don’t think you realise what you’ve just done.”

“I’m sorry sir, I’m not sure I understand?” he asked. It was refreshing to see him refer to me as ‘sir’ again.

“You threw up a defensive shield against a highly-trained Paragon Guard and were able to deflect the majority of the impact.” My smile grew slightly into a grin before I patted him on the back, the stallion flinched at the sudden contact. “Go to the medical quarters and have your eye sorted out. Afterwards, report to your commanding officer and file an incident report. I’ll fill in the rest of your shift.”

“Sir?” he asked hesitantly.

“You’ve got promise, kid. I look forward to the things you’ll achieve one day. Dismissed.”

The young unicorn saluted before turning and marching off, leaving me alone with Aegis Hammer.

“Leaf, what do you see in him?” Aegis asked, all of her previous rage now forgotten. “You obviously involved me for a reason considering you decided to exploit my fear of that bucking red ball.”

I turned to the pegasus, shaking my head. “You’re the strongest, fastest martial artist out of all of us. The fact that he remained standing after you punched him confirmed something for me.”

A hint of irritation returned to Aegis’ voice as she circled around and came face-to-face with me. “Yeah, well? What did you confirm considering I was having a very nice nap just now.”

“His little sister was responsible for the ball in the first place. Magic runs strong in his family.” The grin faded into a knowing smile. “The Paragon start screening from as early on as possible, Aegis.”

She didn’t respond, instead turning to face the exit Shining has gone through minutes before. I joined her, looking at the exit. That unicorn had a lot of potential - and when a run-of-the-mill unicorn guard could throw up a shield so quickly and deflect such a heavy blow...he had just made my shortlist of potential Paragon candidates.

“I’ll keep an eye on him. I was supposed to punish him and get him to keep his little sister in check, but I believe I got sidetracked.”

A long drawn-out sigh escaped from Aegis Hammer as she fluffed out her wings a bit and spread them. “Leaf, you’re crazy, did you know that? I’m heading for an exercise lap around the castle before heading back to bed. I’m up for a double shift tonight, and a few extra winks would help.”

I simply nodded absently as I heard the pegasus take off with powerful wing-beats, leaving me alone with the silence of my thoughts. I had an incident report to file added on top of my already heavy load of paperwork but at least there was something new to keep my mind off of things.

Author's Note

So...this chapter was originally meant to be a 'short' - a small SoL-type chapter that just sort of showed the in-between happenings of the Paragon.

After a while it turned into a full-fledged chapter.

In Which Twily Attempts Even MORE Antics

Author's Note

This chapter is narrated by our resident ~~drunk~~ beer-brewer, Perfect Measure.

Earth Pony. Mare. And has bigger balls than most stallions.

In Which Twily Attempts Even MORE Antics

Now, this is fairly important: I like foals of all shapes and sizes. So when I say that Twilight Sparkle provided equal amounts of amusement and terror at the same time, you need to know I’m saying this with as much love as I can for a foal. I’m an Earth Pony. I don’t know magic in the slightest, but I do know how to mix certain ingredients together to get a chaotic mess of awesome and horror.

And little Twilight is the perfect mix of all the ingredients. So imagine my thoughts when during a visit from the Minotaur Embassy she had decided that was the perfect time to show off a new trick to the Princess. I was equal parts impressed, amused and horrified all at the same time.

All twelve Paragon Guards were on duty - half of us at strategic points around the Conference Hall and the other half inside the actual hall itself. It was a full lockdown; no pony, magic or object could get inside or out.

Which didn’t really stop little Twilight from trying. We first knew of her attempts when Swift Bulwark told us he sensed a disturbance in the mana-flows.

A loud popping noise caused two sets of spears to point threateningly at the small little filly just as she materialised from a failed teleport. A small little filly who wore an expression as if she had just soiled herself as the two massive halberds hovered inches away from her face, saddlebags lying just behind her.

Almost instantly I regretted our Paragon training as I flung a hoof to knock the unicorn stallion’s halberd out of the way. “Whoah, Bulwark. Stand down. It’s Twilight Sparkle - Princess Celestia’s protege.” My voice was firm but gentle enough to not scare the poor unicorn any further.

Swift Bulwark’s eyes narrowed for a moment before his magic lifted his weapon away and he resumed his stance at attention. His eyes still remained locked on Twilight, the calculating expression almost expecting her to grow an extra head or sprout wings and fly at us.

“Apologies, ma’am,” Bulwark said stiffly. “The Princess is in the middle of important trade negotiations and does not wish to be disturbed.”

I internally sighed. Swift Bulwark was the only stallion in the Mage-Casters division and an indirect result was him being completely uptight all of the time. Even when off duty he had an alert air about him and it was honestly frustrating at times.

I leaned my halberd against the wall, sliding my helmet off and holding it under one foreleg. The colour enchantment would hold for a few minutes longer or until I willed it to stop - funny things those enchantments were and I’m not going to pretend to understand how unicorn magic works.

“Hey little filly,” I said softly, putting on the friendliest face I could. I knelt down and offered a hoof to her. “It’s okay - we won’t hurt you.” It was the truth - Celestia would probably have our hides if we ever let a single hair on her coat ever come to harm.

Twilight Sparkle stared at my offered hoof with incredibly wide eyes, a look of apprehension in her eyes. I motioned to myself, pressing my smile just a little wider. Hesitantly, Twilight gripped my hoof and hoisted herself up.

“There we go,” I said, giving her one last warm smile before slipping my helmet back on. “Now - the Princess is really busy right now and I’m sure she’d love to see you, but it will have to be later. Okay?”

The filly nodded before scampering off. I chuckled as her saddlebags bounced with her haste. Bulwark scoffed slightly but didn’t say anything, earning a disapproving frown from me.

“She’s just a filly, Bulwark,” I added. “She doesn’t really know any better.”

“Miss Sparkle would do well to learn better,” he said, his voice stiff as his guardspony stance was.

“Hey!” I admonished. “What’s gotten into you Bulwark?” My eyes narrowed at the stallion. “Has Leaf Brambles been giving you a hard time again?”

Bulwark didn’t respond, instead keeping his gaze forward and alert. I sighed audibly, shaking my head and resuming my watch alongside him. Leaf Brambles hated stallions - or at least that’s the impression she gave, considering how many of them kept trying to hit on her. Swift Bulwark being the only stallion among the unicorns often made him the target of Leaf’s ire.

I’d have a word with Velvet Ward later - she could then sort it out, captain-to-captain. And if that didn’t work, I’d challenge Leaf to a hoof-wrestle and a drinking match.

I earned my cutie mark by brewing beer. I don’t think there’s a single pony in the Royal Guard who could ever drink me under the table.

Celestia doesn’t count - she hasn’t been a part of the Equestrian Military for almost twenty years now and even then it was just a formality.

Which left us with the little filly in front of us again. Her earlier fear had all but vanished, her purple eyes looking up at us with a tentative curiosity. Wait - where did she come from? I could’ve sworn she was -

Bulwark’s firm voice cut off my train of thought, his magic levitating a purple filly from behind him. “A valiant attempt, Miss, but trying to bypass us with illusion magic isn’t going to work.”

I looked back down at the Twilight Sparkle in front of us and then the one held aloft by Bulwark. I could only imagine the incredulous look I gave them as I tried very hard to process the facts.

“Awww...I thought it would work,” Twilight - the REAL Twilight, not the apparent illusion in front of us - murmured. With a poof of anti-magic, Bulwark dispelled the phantom. I watched stiffly as he set the filly down again.

“Now, run along young miss,” he said. I caught the hint of a smile on his usually stoic face. After making sure Twilight Sparkle was out of earshot I turned my attention to Bulwark.

“You’re smiling,” I said. Indeed, he did have that dopey smile he got when he was either scheming, day-dreaming or just thinking of something completely unrelated. Okay, not really a dopey smile - but still.

“She’s barely younger than my daughter but knows teleportation and illusion magic,” he said, that smile starting to creep into his eyes. Aha, so that’s why his smile was so dopey. He was thinking about his pride, joy and whole meaning of his life: his daughter.

I’ve met her only once - and I instantly fell in love with Bulwark’s little filly; and that’s not because I love all foals. Little Lyra was as sweet as ever and she had such talent with music. I’m surprised she hasn’t earned her cutie mark in it yet.

Okay, I’m putting the beer before the barrel here. Twilight was apparently able to impress even Swift Bulwark now. She had already caught the attention of his captain, but now Twilight was spreading waves through the rest of the Paragon.

“She’s that strong, eh?” I asked him, careful to keep my voice low. I didn’t really want the dignitaries outside to notice anything going on right outside their door.

“She almost has as much magic as I do... It’s scary.”

A wistful look was about to come over his face before I cleared my throat. The look overcoming his face immediately vanished as his eyes snapped forward again. It made me sad but I’d have to report that to his team captain, Leaf Brambles. We’re not supposed to waver in our duty - ever.

The rest of the watch was uneventful, which made me worry deeply. When the town drunk wasn’t drunk, then you knew something was very wrong.

Or, in this case, when the chaos-causing little filly of disturbing magical potential had seemingly abandoned her plan to break into the single most secure room in equestria.

I’m not sure whether to count myself lucky or unlucky, but the sudden swell in shielding magic signaled the meeting coming to a close. For now, us Paragon were more for show than anything - but it always paid to be prepared.

What we weren’t prepared for was when Celestia strode out of the meeting room.

With a happy little purple filly bouncing right next to her.

My jaw wanted to drop to drop, but I remembered the circumstances. The past half hour had been spent trying to keep little Twilight out, and yet there she was with a broad grin on her face practically glued to Celestia’s side.

As per Minotaur tradition, the Minotaur ambassadors left out a separate entrance. To walk away from each other is their way of properly concluding business. Two Paragon Guards remained in the meeting chamber to close the doors and ensure the meeting was in final closure.

Eight of us followed behind Princess Celestia. The remaining four patrolled the area around.

Curiosity was starting to overwhelm my common sense. I kept glancing over to Twilight, now having a heated conversation with Princess Celestia about the different types of Minotaur sub-cultures.

Velvet Ward, the earth-pony captain, must have noticed my confusion (Which was surprising as the last time my poker face ever slipped I was fifteen beers into ‘utterly blackout smashed’ territory) as she leaned in to whisper into my ear.

“She asked the Minotaur guards nicely,” she said, a hint of amusement in her voice, before resuming a stoic expression alongside the rest of us.

I remained silent, still maintaining my march alongside the rest of the Guard towards the debriefing room. Even once inside I still held my tongue, waiting for the proper debriefing.

Princess Celestia stood at the head of the table, the three captains to her immediate left, little Twilight to her right. Her curious eyes scanned the room with a level of curiosity I hadn’t noticed before.

The remaining four Paragon joined us shortly after with reports of all clear. The actual debriefing itself was pretty simple and boring. We covered all basic areas of the earlier meeting and trade negotiations.

“The Minotaur Embassy is overall impressed with the performance and structure of the guards,” Stone Craft began. He wore a stone-serious expression on his face, which usually meant he hadn’t had a snack-cake in at least a week.

Princess Celestia held a motherly expression - something I don’t think I’ve ever seen in all my days serving in the Royal Guard. Her one wing was extended out, gently touching Twilight’s back.

It was an awe-inspiring sight, to be honest. In a way, Celestia was a mother to all of us - to all of Equestria. But here she was truly shining.

“Well done, my little ponies,” the Princess chimed in. “I’m very proud of your performance today and we’ve secured a great asset for Equestria: with King Turras’ coal mines available to us, this treaty will help fuel industry for our land and promote growth in our economy.”

We all bowed our head slightly in response. The meeting was quickly dismissed, all twelve of us resuming our normal patrol schedules. We’d wind down to half once the Minotaur ambassadors had left Canterlot.

There was still a very pressing question stuck in my mind and it had the better part of the entire day for an opportunity to ask it.

“Okay, Velvet,” I asked the stodgy earth-pony mare, “I need a little clarification: Twilight Sparkle simply asked the guards to let her in?” I was a little skeptical, considering my experience with every minotaur guard and soldier so far only reinforced my belief of how bull-headed they are.

Six of us retreated back to the barracks, winding down for the day. The Paragon Guard were back at half-readiness, with only six on duty needed at any time. The rest of us could kick back and relax at the barracks for now.

“Hey!” Velvet exclaimed. “I’m just as surprised as you are!” She pulled her helmet off, a quick shake of her head dispelling the colour illusion. I joined her, shivering slightly at the tingling sensation as my coat returned to it’s normal deep rose red.

Darn unicorn magics - how do they work?

“I don’t understand it,” I continued, shrugging off the rest of my armour. “We’d been trying to keep her out for over half an hour!”

“The Princess gave her a very warm welcome and King Turras was very impressed with Twilight’s knowledge.”

I flunked my flank down onto my bunk. “Permission to speak freely?”

Velvet raised an eyebrow at me, grabbing a chair and sitting down on it. She turned to face me fully, sending an uneasy shiver down my back. I never liked it when Velvet gave her full attention like this - she usually held an open air about here, always jovial when off-duty.

“Permission granted,” Velvet Ward stated flatly. I very suddenly didn’t want to have this conversation and judging by the way her eyes locked onto mine, I think she didn’t want to have it either.

Shifting slightly, I met her eyes dead on. “I have never seen Princess Celestia act this way. I’ve never seen her act so...motherly, Velvet. Leaf Brambles has her brother on a shortlist of Paragon candidates. Celestia clearly sees the same potential in Twilight.”

The other mare took a deep breath, shaking her head as she exhaled. “Yeah, well, I’m inclined to agree with the Princess. She knows illusion, teleportation and enchanting at her age. We’re probably looking at the next Starswirl at this rate.”

“I still don’t get how the minotaur guards can be so lax about letting her in, though,” I said. The subject change was abrupt but the look in Velvet’s eyes told me she was glad. “Seriously - she just asked?”

“Nicely,” Velvet added. “It’s a good learning experience for all of us, I think.” She got out of her hair, neatly folding up and hanging her suit of armour on the available rack. “I’ve got a tactical report scheduled in two days time. We need to address this issue - it’s a potential vector of attack against the Princess if foreign nationals simply allow in random visitors.”

I shrugged, getting up from the bunk as I started to fold my armour up and move it to the rack. Velvet Ward was right, of course. Any unknown threats against the Princess had to be sorted out before they became an issue.

“Unless Twilight used mind-control magic,” Swift Bulwark added. All heads slowly turned turned to the stallion laying lazily on his back. “What?” he asked, eyes wide in sudden apprehension. “She’s too young for that - and plus, all forms of mind-altering magics have been outlawed as per the White Feather Treaty.”

We all shared a nervous glance. Was Twilight seriously capable of using magic to alter somepony’s state of mind?

I shrugged. “Nah, she’s too young. I reckon we’re all safe.”

Flomping back down onto my bunk, I settled my head onto the pillow for a well-earned rest.

Curtains

Narrated by your British-accent-speaking, ever-cynical, Leaf Brambles. Captain of the Unicorn Division.

Twilight Sparkle. Ever since she came to Canterlot Castle, she’s been a thorn in our metaphorical side. Security has never been breached as many times in fifteen years as it had been with her here the past few months.

I’ve read about Starswirl the Bearded. Heck, the entire unicorn division has had to study some of his more… secret spells. I would tell you more but a lot of them are locked away due to national security. Nopony wants them to fall into the wrong hooves.

Twilight will probably exceed Starswirl. This fact alone makes me worried about the future of the Crown, and of Equestria as a whole. She could grow into one of, if not the most powerful archmage of Equestrian history - or she could end up like King Sombra, corrupted by her own ability and become the worst villain ponykind has ever known.

But right now, she’s just a filly. Her future will be shaped by those around her and I can only hope the right ponies are influencing her.

Princess Celestia had given Twilight her own quarters in the castle, not too far away from her own chambers. Naturally this meant we often went past it during our patrol routes.

It was supposed to be a quiet evening - only three Paragon were on active patrol duty, with three more on standby and the normal compliment of standard guardsponies. Ever since Twilight arrived...well, let me just say that she’s added a lot of ‘colour’ to our lives.

I was on my fourth and most likely final perimeter check for the evening. I had just passed Twilight Sparkle’s doors when I felt an odd tingling at the base of my horn. I halted, concentrating on trying to identify it.

Powerful flows of mana were swirling around me, almost completely out of control. It took a powerful counter-spell of my own to neutralise the errant cloud of magic in the air, giving me a chance to see where the source was leaking from.

My ears twitched and swivelled automatically as I tried to find the source. Every unicorn had a different way of ‘feeling’ magic. To some it was like a hum in the air, to others it thrummed like a tuned guitar. To me, I could hear the rustling of their magic as it brushed against the ambient air around me.

With a deep frown and a pang of worry, I swung around as I realised the magic was coming from Twilight’s chambers. Thorn or not, if somepony was attacking her I would beat them to within an inch of their life. Nopony hurts a colt or filly in my presence.

My magic slammed against the doors, the hinges creaking as they were almost ripped free from the force. My heart beat quickened, eyes widening slightly as the sight waiting for me pushed me into full on solder-mode.

Flames enveloped the entire chamber. Almost every inch was being devoured by an arcane purple fire. My lips curled into a snarl. What devious and sick creature would try to burn a filly to death?

With a roar and rearing my front hooves, my horn flared up into a magnificent corona. In seconds the blaze was sucked into a small ball near the tip of my horn before a counter-spell negated its existence entirely.

I stamped back down onto the ground, taking a deep breath before letting it out through my nose slowly. Even though my demeanor was calm, my heart pounded in my chest with rage towards whatever would-be assassin.

The sound of a small filly crying snapped me away from my rage. The scowl on my face faded away into a worrisome look.

I carefully made my way over to the bed to find Twilight Sparkle trembling and sobbing. Her fur was matted on her cheeks as the tears spilled from her panic-stricken eyes.

I levitated my helmet off to the side of her bed, trying to take on as sympathetic look as I could muster. “Shh...it’s okay, Twilight,” I tried to coo, which I admit I’m probably not very good at. “Nopony’s going to hurt you. The bad pony is gone now…”

At the very least, Twilight didn’t seem to be shying away from me. She sniffled a few times, her wide (and admittedly adorable) eyes riveted to me. “B - but...th - there was no bad pony…”

This made me pause. If there wasn’t someone or somepony that did this, then what happened? I came up to the side of Twilight’s still-smoking bed. A few cantrips snuffed out any remaining embers. “Who did this, Twilight?” I asked, gently sitting myself on the edge.

The filly looked away, before more tears welled in her eyes and she hiccupped a sob.

My own eyes went wide with a momentary worry. I removed the armoured plating from my front hooves, setting them next to the helmet, and reached out to her. “Hey now, I’m not going to hurt you. What’s wrong?”

She sniffed again, weakly wiping away at her cheeks. “P - promise you won’t be mad?”

“I promise I won’t be mad.” Of course I wouldn’t be angry. How in the stars’ name could I be angry at such an adorable face? I couldn’t care less how many times she’s breached security in the past or gotten away scot-free. Right now Twilight was a terrified filly who was almost burnt to death.

“It…” Twilight squeaked, before burying her face into the sheets. “...it was me…”

...And then I realised why I aptly named her the purple terror. Of course she started the fire.

The sound of her crying softly pulled me away from that train of thought. “Hey now, it’s okay. I’m sure it was an accident.” At least, I hoped it was an accident.

“I - I was dreaming about th - the Princess being attacked so I - I just threw fire at the bad pony!” Twilight managed to say between sobs. I gently pulled the filly into a hug, still trying to coo softly to calm her down. “I - I woke up and the curtains were on fire.”

Twilight broke out into a loud bawling again. Mentally, I rolled my eyes, but continued to hold her in a gentle hug. Her tiny little legs clung around my neck, giving me an odd sense of wanting to protect her even more.

It still boiled down to the fact that Twilight had set her curtains on fire. I have to commend her sense of duty towards the Princess, even if she was asleep at the time.

“Easy now, Twilight. There’s no bad pony, it was just a dream.” I felt very awkward as I gently stroked her mane trying to get her to calm down. It seemed to be working as her sobs eventually quieted down. She still clung tightly to me.

I had to admit...It felt a little endearing. I never had any plans for foals but now…? Who knows, maybe I could tolerate a little me running around.

“Miss?” I heard Twilight ask as she looked up to me.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Do you protect the Princess from the bad ponies?” she asked. Her eyes with wide with curiosity.

I fought back the smirk that nearly spread across my lips, before nodding. “Yeah, I protect her from the bad ponies. All of the Royal Guard do.”

“Will you protect me, too?” she asked again. Those large eyes bore into me. As much of a thorn as she was, at least she was an adorable little thorn. One who probably could weaponize her cuteness if she really wanted to.

I cracked a smile. I could feel the warmth spreading through me - a genuine joy. “Of course, Twilight. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

She hugged me again before sliding back under her sheets. “What’s your name, miss?”

“Captain Leaf Brambles,” I answered. A flick of my magic tucked the sheets in around her. I would hate to move her right now. Perhaps I’ll wait for her to sleep before getting one of the night staff to help move her to a clean room.

“That’s a nice name.”

I nodded silently, not really in agreement but rather in acknowledgement of her statement. I never put thought into my name - I never had a need to.

“Could you tell me a bedtime story?”

I froze, my eyes locking wide as I stared at the wall for a moment. My smile turned into a nervous one as I chose my words carefully. “I’m sorry, Twilight, I don’t actually know any.”

“‘S okay,” she mumbled while closing her eyes. “The bad ponies will stay away with you here.”

I watched for a few moments more before carefully removing myself from her bed, putting my helmet and hoof-plating back on. Making sure she was asleep, I smiled again.

I turned to leave the room, before stopping dead in my tracks, the sense of panic and worry spiking up in me again. In all her regal magnificence, Princess Celestia stood by the door watching with a faint smile on her face.

‘Oh crumbs…’ I mentally swore to myself.

“How long?” I mouthed to her. How long had she been standing there? Watching us? Watching me?

Her smile grew knowingly, before she turned and left.

Author's Note

This chapter is supposed to be as adorable as possible.

I originally wanted to label it as a 'Short' chapter, but I figured there's enough here to keep it standard.

I got the idea of this chapter from chapter two of One Year Later, one of my other fanfics.

If you like or faved, leave a comment letting me know why! Authors love feedback.

And thank you all for enjoying it so far.

Aegis and the Shop - or, "Why you think about consequences first."

Now I’m usually one for mysteries and murders, but when I have some of my precious vacation time snatched away from me by being called into the local police station, I had to admit I was somewhat worried.

Okay, worried is the wrong word. I was almost hysterical. I wasn’t in uniform and therefore still technically a civilian. And everypony knows that the police don’t like civvies. My mind filled with the horrible things a cop would probably do to civilians.

Beating with a baton, locked up for hours on end, bouncing a red rubber ball at me, interrogating me without hope or sign of reprieve. My mind had flown into a blind panic unable to stop the horrifying images flinging themselves into my mind’s eye.

“Miss Hammer?” A bored, but still stern voice pulled me out of my trance.

“DON’T TASE ME!”

There was an awkward and pressing silence as I realised I had recoiled involuntarily, wings held out protectively. It took me another few seconds to actually realise I was several orders larger than the uniformed stallion in front of me. And I had screamed like a school-filly.

A blush touched my cheeks as I looked down at him. “Er...yes? How can I help?”

The earth-pony pulled out a clipboard with several papers and examined it for a few moments before turning back to me. “Uh...yes, Miss Hammer. This is just a routine questioning regarding an incident you may have bore witness to.” He motioned with his head towards a door. “If you could please follow me.”

I was sure I was white as a sheet, and there was conveniently no mirrors around for me to check. The officer led me to a small room - the one with the one-way windows and a small table in the middle.

My breathing increased. No. No! I didn’t even know what I was here for! Why was I being locked up?! Was it those snack-cakes? Of course! It was the snack-cakes! I knew I shouldn’t have stolen them from the kitchen!

“It was Stone Craft!” I blurted out before we could even be seated. “He coerced me into taking them from the Royal Kitchens! I didn’t have any, I swear!”

The stallion wore a dumbstruck look on his face, slack-jawed and obviously very confused. He cleared his throat before looking at the clipboard then back at me. “That’s...nice, Miss Hammer, but we don’t have any reports of missing… confectionaries from the Castle Grounds.”

I blinked a few times, not really looking at him. “What?” I blinked a few more times, just to be sure. “Oh! Well then! Nevermind what I said!” I eased a half-hearted chuckle, now desperate to deflect him away from my glaring confession. “What am I in for, then?”

I could swear he took his sweet time, shuffling through the pages. It felt like hours before he flipped each page over to the next one. Finally he looked up at me, an ever bored expression that said ‘I’d rather be at home right now’ on his face.

“I just need to take a statement for you regarding an incident at a Quik-Mart on the corner of Alfalfa Lane and Broad Street.” He sat down, waving to the chair opposite the table. I politely accepted his invitation and tentatively sat down, body still rigid with anticipation.

“Uh...what incident?” I asked, genuinely perplexed this time. I eased myself into the chair.

“The wanton ransacking, vandalism and theft of the store,” he deadpanned, simply glaring at me with eyes suggesting utter boredom. No, scratch that - they weren’t suggesting anything. I’m sure he was thoroughly bored.

It took a few seconds, but the member finally clicked into place. “Ohhhh….” I trailed off, leaning back into my seat. “Yeah - uh…” I chose not to answer him immediately. I definitely remembered that evening.

I also remembered the helpless look of the teenager behind the counter and I couldn’t help but let out a small snicker. It was supposed to be a serious situation, but thinking back on it now it was probably the least serious think I could imagine.

“Is there something you want to share with me?” the officer asked, setting down the clipboard. I shot him a puzzled look. “I’m just curious as to what you find so funny.”

“Uh...nothing. Nothing at all.” Which was a complete lie but I figured I was moving into hot water and I didn’t want to get any more trouble than needed. “What statement did you need from me, again?”

“Just your interpretation of the events.”

I took my time. There was no way I wanted to give a wrong answer - and any criminal record of any type, no matter the severity, would severely damage my stance in the Royal Guard. Heck, I’d probably be expelled from the Paragon just for being involved.

Except, I was under orders. I had been there under official business with the Solar Court - I’d even shown my guard-card (I have to refrain from snickering every time I use that term). Why was there a problem?

“I - uh…” I stalled, hoping for more time to think of a reason. I glanced around the room, hoping that an idea would miraculously spring to my head. Which it didn’t.

“Miss, I hope you understand the gravity of the situation.” The tone in his voice sent my heart into a thumping alarm bell of panic. He leaned forward, placing a clipboard onto the table. “The damages are quite severe, and the proprietor of the store has made it clear he has no intention of covering the costs himself.”

I gulped, hoping the sound wasn’t too loud, as I glanced at the figures and damages on the board. “Whoah...th - that’s a lot of bits…” I stammered. “I - I think I mi - might want… I need my legal representative present before we can continue this.”

The office frowned slightly, before leaning back. “We’ve already taken care of that, miss.”

What? What did he mean? That I wasn’t going to have a proper representative? That probably meant all the cop horror fictions were true!

“I demand my lawyer!” I yelled out suddenly, slamming my hooves onto the table. A loud crack rang through the chamber, causing me to look down at the now-destroyed splinters in between us.

If I wasn’t in such a nerve-wracking situation, I would have thought the police pony’s level and bored expression impressive considering a mare almost twice his size had just turned a table into kindling.

The door clicked open behind me before clicking closed.

My throat made an odd noise as I saw Stone Craft walk into my view, taking a seat next to the officer. Most would say his expression was just as bored as the officer’s, but that was just Stone Craft’s normal look: completely neutral.

He was a veteran of the pony/griffon war almost fifteen years ago. I’m pretty sure whatever he faced back in Equestria was foal’s play compared to what was out in the field.

“A - are you… my legal representative?” I asked him?

Captain Stone Craft just shook his head slightly. “I’m here as a witness. Sorry, Aegis.”

“Wh - what?!” I cried out. Witness my tail! He wasn’t even on duty that night!

“Calm down, Miss Hammer,” the officer said. He looked back down onto his clipboard and flipping through a few pages. “Your representative will be here shortly.”

Shortly wasn’t short enough! I needed him or her her now! I didn’t even know who my representative was! Oh sweet Celestia I was hyperventilating badly. I was going to lose my job. I was going to get kicked out and I’d have to go back into blacksmithing.

The door opened and closed again. I wheeled my head, my heart doing a somersault in my chest at the sight of Strawberry Drop walking in with a grim look on her face.

“Are yo - ,” I began but was cut off.

“Nope, just a witness.”

My stomach very quickly turned into an icy pit of fear. What in the sun’s name was going on? WHERE WAS MY LAWYER?

My two fellow Paragon sat opposite me, very clearly ignoring the shattered table in between us. Even Strawberry Drop had a bored expression. Why was she so bored? Strawberry never acted bored!

I almost gave myself whiplash as I heard the door opening. My jaw dropped.

Princess Celestia, in full regalia, strode in with a humble look on her face. I almost broke down into tears right then and there as she gave me such a sorrowful look.

“J - just a witness?” I stammered out. The icy pit turned into a black hole of sheer terror as Celestia meekly nodded, taking a seat next to the police officer and other Paragon.

Wait.

Why was Celestia a witness? Witness to what?

The black hole promptly inverted into a fast-growing ball of confusion and irritation. “...I’ve been had, haven’t I?”

Stone Craft cracked the faintest hint of a smile, seemingly no longer able to keep a straight face. Strawberry and Celestia both started giggling, holding a hoof politely over their mouths.

“You…” I breathed in frustration, “played… a prank on me?”

A strange feeling settled in my chest. The majority of it was relief that I wasn’t really in trouble, however a sizable portion was anger and frustration with the ponies in front of me.

“You… played a prank on me!” I said again, my voice raising to a level I didn’t intend. “Why did you do that!?”

My heart-rate was rising again. The fear I no longer felt left a gaping hole of utter betrayal.

“Aegis Hammer,” Stone Craft began. The solemn look returning to his face would have made me take a step back hadn’t I been seated. “I was disappointed with one of the mission reports you filed.”

As if to explain, Celestia spoke. The calm and mother-like quality to her voice sent a wave of reeling and crushing self-disappointment in me. “Aegis… I am always and eternally thankful for your’s and your fellow Paragon Guard’s service to myself and to Equestria.”

Oh sun above why did she have to make me feel so guilty all of a sudden?

“It was brought to my attention that a few weeks ago, you caused a fair amount of chaos in a local 24-hour Quick-Mart.”

I nodded meekly. Tears were brimming in my eyes, yet I wasn’t really sure why. Was I going to get fired because I caused a PR incident?

“A young stallion by the name of Top Shelf had his entire livelihood upset and his life possibly damaged beyond repair due to your actions, Aegis.”

I squeaked out… something. I couldn’t really speak, despite being the second largest pony in that room I still felt smaller than a pebble in the ocean.

Strawberry Drop leaned forward this time. “Aegis, what we’re trying to say is that you need to be careful. You left the poor little guy thinking he was about to get fired or arrested or something worse.”

I turned to Stone Craft, who merely nodded once. “Sometimes you need to wear another pony’s shoes for a bit.”

“..oh,” I mumbled. “I…” I was still at a loss for words. “I’m...sorry.”

Celestia smiled warmly, the gentle look in her eyes sending a wave of comfort and reassurance through me. “It’s not us you should be apologising to, Aegis.” She turned to the officer to her left. “It’s mister Silver Shackle’s son that you should apologise to.”

I couldn’t help myself, really. I stared probably very rudely at the still calm stallion in a police officer’s uniform. He leveled an equally intense, yet neutral stare back at me.

“S - sir… I - I’m sorry. I - I wish…” Sun above! Now wasn’t the time to be unable to find my words! “Is… your son nearby?”

The officer cracked a smile, a tension I didn’t know sliding off of my shoulders. “He’s busy with his studies at the moment. I’ll have him sent round to the barracks later on today.”

I nodded and apologised to him again.

Outside the police station, Celestia walked up next to me, cupping me with one of her large wings. “I hope you learned a valuable lesson today, Aegis.”

“I did, Princess. Thank you.”

I smiled broadly to her, before she took wing and flew off. I watched her fly off into the distance back towards Canterlot, Strawberry Drop following close behind and two other Paragon pegasi in close formation.

“Princess Celestia may have not been concerned about the public-relations disaster you nearly caused,” Captain Stone Craft said, his sudden voice halting my heart momentarily. “But Leaf Brambles and Velvet Ward certainly do.”

Oh please no…

“You are to report for Detention-Barracks in two hour’s time and are subject to eight hours of PT or until the three of us are happy.” I gulped, looking at Stone Craft’s stoney expression. He tapped me on the shoulder with a hoof. “Think of it as exercise.”

I smiled weakly to him.

Sure… my week could have started better. At least there wasn’t a murder, mystery, or mystery murder to worry about.

Author's Note

IT LIIIIVES.

This chapter harks back to the first chapter. What, you didn't think the Paragon Guard weren't going to face any consequences for completely demolishing somepony's shop?

Yeah, sorry for all the delays. I've had a rough couple of months in life. I'm still struggling to cope with the death of my friend, coupled with the fact that my grandfather also passed away a few months ago.

2015 was not a good year for me.

2016 is looking good, though

Something's Brewing

There is nothing I dislike more than being woken up in the middle of a nap. Sleep was the only time I could properly be alone with my thoughts, and even though nightmares dwelled within, I had learned how to lucid-dream and keep them in check.

But when I wake up with a small warm buzzing under my left wing AND a frantic Strawberry Drop pushing me awake, it tends to overpower that annoyance very quickly. “Get up, Aegis Hammer,” she said to me, before moving over to the rest of the Paragon Guard, wings spread out.

“Priority Alert,” Stone Craft said as I hoisted myself out of the bed. Spreading my wings, I allowed one of the Mage-Casters to fling the golden-plated armour onto my body, magic saturating the room as they suited up the rest of the Paragon Guard. A quick squeeze with my wing and the small buzzing rock became still again.

Summoning Stones, an artefact from an age long lost. Apparently it was pre-Discordian and no amount of study had been able to reverse-engineer the stones but they had proven invaluable to the Paragon. Being able to be located and teleported from anywhere in the world had massive value as far as protecting Princess Celestia went.

I dug out a caffeine pill from under my pillow, crunching down on it and swallowing, turning to the two available captains, Stone Craft and Velvet Ward. Leaf Brambles was on-duty and already at Princess Celestia’s side.

“We’ve just received an alert that an entire battalion of griffon Blackfeathers are approaching Canterlot Castle,” Stone Craft said, testing his armour was fitted properly. “Completely unannounced.”

“What?” the new guy, Sunflower Seeds, blurted out. “The war ended over ten years ago.”

“This is either a social call or a declaration of war,” Velvet added. “Knowing the griffons, it could be both.”

This...was bad. An uneasy sensation filled the pit of my stomach. As a Paragon, I had trained for almost every scenario, and I was prepared to lay down my life - or even take one - to defend Celestia’s but...I never thought it would happen to me.

Then again, I don’t think any of us would have thought that. The Griffon-Equestrian war almost fifteen years ago had started over an argument over a small farming village and ended with the disappearance of the then-emperor King Mightybeak the Third.

Captain Stone Craft continued, assuming his position next to the rest of the six gathered guards. “They’re approximately four minutes out. Mission is simple: ensure protection of Goldburst at all times.”

My heart did a momentary jump in my chest. Crap - they’d switched to codenames. Goldburst was Princess Celestia’s codename. This was serious.

“Mass-Telly in three on mark,” Swift Bulwark said, assuming a position next to rest of us. I closed my eyes. I hated mass teleportation, it always left me disoriented and feeling like wanting to hurl. “Mark.”

With a snap and a pull that almost felt like my insides being inverted, were almost instantaneously teleported. The rush of arcane energy rang in my ears for a brief moment before I remembered my training exercises.

Taking a deep breath and holding it, I forced the ringing to die down.

The bright light faded and we found ourselves surrounding Princess Celestia in the standard wedge formation. A large halberd was hitched to my shoulder, wing-blades at the ready. Every muscle in my body was relaxed and ready for action.

Celestia held a stern look on her face. The last she had heard from the griffons was several years ago during a review of the cease-fire.

“Thank you, my little ponies,” she said, the motherly tone never leaving her voice. It sent a wave of warmth and reassurance through me, but my stomach still held that fear and worry in its pit. “They haven’t even sent a messenger as per tradition for these visits. I have the Ambassador’s Meeting Chamber ready for their dignitary, but please prepare for the worst.”

The Paragon Guard did not utter a sound. We remained in formation around her as we began a fast march towards the meeting hall. The unit acted as a singular extension of the Princess herself. We were her sword and shield.

Tension was high in the air, the entire guard having mobilised. Outside I could see the skies thick with pegasi. In a situation like this, the Wonderbolts would pull their entire reserves into active duty.

A line of guards filed into the meeting chamber, taking up our half of the wall space. Similarly, the griffon Blackfeathers marching in. There was no tradition being followed here, rather it was only one of the many parts of the treaty signed: any and all meetings are to be attended by a full complement of soldiers in order to safeguard the ambassadors and/or authority figures of both nations.

Celestia and the Paragon were already waiting on our side. My heart was doing somersaults in my chest, the tiniest bead of sweat breaking underneath my helmet.

The Blackfeathers were a sight to behold: each had thick veridian-coloured armour, holding massive halberds. Helmets masked their faces and beaks entirely, leaving nothing but the slightest of eyeholes for the wearers.

But it was their feathers… By the stars, their feathers were the blackest I have ever seen. Not even in the dead of night, high above the troposphere, was the sky above as dark as the feathers and fur of the griffons lining the wall. Light seemed to reach them and then stop entirely. I was unnerved just seeing the sheer blankness their feathers offered.

A loud, piercing voice pulled my concentration back to the present. “Presenting his Royal Holiness, The Grand Cleric of the Church of Light, High-Sage Deuteronomy!”

The griffon loudly belting out the introduction was a young cub, a girl judging by her voice. She couldn’t have been much older than Twilight Sparkle was. For a moment, my heart wanted to melt at the sheer adorable way she had puffed out her chest feathers proudly.

She turned around and marched out of the chamber.

Four unarmoured griffons strode in, a massive and ornate sedan chair carried on their shoulders. A high-backed throne was situated in the middle of the sedan, and sitting in it was possibly the oldest, most frail-looking griffon I have ever seen.

He had a massively hooked beak and the sagging skin around his closed eyes was a deep red. The feathers under his beak and chin were discoloured slightly, giving him a bearded look. Thick clerical robes were wrapped around his thin body.

Captain Stone Craft stepped forward to announce Celestia’s presence. His voice boomed throughout the chamber. “Presenting Her Royal Highness, The Solar Monarch of Equestria, Princess Celestia.”

Celestia took a step forward towards the sedan chair. The ancient griffon sitting in it slowly opened his eyes one by one, as if waking from a very deep slumber.

Apparently griffons can smile. I didn’t know this right up until the beak parted slightly, the jaw and skin around it breaking into a wide (what I assumed) grin. “Celestia!” he cried out in a raspy and croaky voice. “It has been many years, old friend!”

Princess Celestia took a step forward, her wing motioning us to remain where we were. “High-Sage, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Her voice was measured and even, but I could detect a slight hint of friendliness behind it.

The old griffon waved a claw, even if it was a bit slow due to his age. He reached into one of the hidden pockets of his robes, before pulling out a small cloth bag. “I have acquired a new type of coffee,” he said, holding out the bag towards her as his voice did an odd croaking sound. “I have decreed that I must share it with my oldest friend!”

I really wished I weren’t on duty. My jaw wanted to hit the ground so badly, it would threaten to leave a crater.

The High-Sage motioned towards the griffon soldiers nonchalantly. “Friends, I decree today as a holiday to enjoy and rest!”

There was an immediate reaction, the griffon soldiers turned about and filed out of the room. The four poster-griffons remained standing, holding up the sedan and made no motion to join their peers.

The High-Sage looked down, as if peering over a ledge, at the four holding him up and blinked slowly at them. “That includes you four as well. Go! Enjoy this day with your fellow griffons!”

Gently they set down the sedan, before saluting and following out behind the other soldiers.

I think my brain sort of stopped right then and there, for a second. I couldn’t properly process what was occurring before my very eyes.

Princess Celestia turned to Strawberry Drop, her berry red coat masked by the enchantments of her armour. “Please head to Wonderbolt Headquarters and call off the alert, Miss Drop. All Wonderbolts are to ensure today is a day of rest and relaxation. They can join the griffons if they wish.” She kept a leveled look at Strawberry on that last sentence. It wasn’t so much as a suggestion but an order - an entire battalion running rampant around Equestria? It would have been safer to ensure that the Equestrian air force were also ‘running rampant’ alongside them, to keep them in check.

Strawberry saluted with a wing before turning and marching out of the room. See, she was an ex-Wonderbolt herself and as such had better understanding of their command structure than the rest of us.

Celestia then turned to Captain Stone Craft. “Captain, you know what to do.”

The stalwart pegasus saluted before also marching out. Celestia and Captain Stone Craft had an old friendship and many secrets were kept between the two; only him, Celestia and the sun above knew what.

“The rest of you brave soldiers of Equestria, please take today as a day of rest and relaxation,” she continued. I couldn’t help but feel by the slight smirk on her face that the Princess was up to something - which knowing her could be as mischievous as the great snack-cake-escapade. “Join our griffon friends. High-Sage Deuteronomy and I have much to discuss.”

That left us with the ancient griffon, Princess Celestia and ten of the twelve Paragon including myself. The Princess raised an eyebrow to the remainder of us, more curious than anything.

“Please, my little ponies -,” oh stars she’s using that tone again “ - that includes you as well. I promise that I will be safe.”

There was absolutely no way that I was comfortable in doing this. There wasn’t a chance in Tartarus that any of us want to leave the Princess alone or unguarded, let along with a griffon. Even if that griffon looked like he was a gentle breeze away from falling over.

Reluctantly, all of us snapped a salute and started filing out of the chamber.

“You there!” the raspy bird-squawk of Deuteronomy called out. My heart did a sudden somersault, as we turned around in unison. He held out a shaky talon, a cheeky grin on the aged face, pointing directly at…

Me?

“Yes! You!” he called out again. “Come over here! There is no chance I wish to share this discovery with only one friend.”

I blinked several times, turning to face them properly, as the rest moved to file out. Traitors! Leaving me to my doom! What disastrous tortures could a griffon of this many years have learned over the ages? Doomed! I was doomed!

Well, I knew I was doomed because I was now stuck alone in the same room as a griffon who called upon an entire battalion of soldiers as an escort, just to share a new type of coffee, only to spontaneously declare the day a public holiday for all of them.

And Princess Celestia.

She had a slight twinkle in her eye and a knowing smile, as the griffon beckoned me over with his claw. “Come, friend! It is as it is said: ‘three is a crowd!’”

I swallowed, my throat feeling very dry at that moment. I swallowed again; the dryness did not go away.

Princess Celestia’s horn shimmered with her aura briefly as a small round table and three chairs poofed into existence in the center of the room.

I could almost hear the old bones creaking as the ancient griffon climbed out of his sedan chair, gripping the edges for support as he made his way to the freshly conjured coffee table.

“I swear, old friend, these chairs are not healthy for your back!” he remarked, pointing a talon in the air. He carefully lowered himself into the new chair, bones creaking as he did so. “But those blasted bigwigs insist! Almost force me to get up on that throne every morning.”

I was still rooted to the spot. My brain wasn’t working properly, not even able to think of any commands to send to the rest of the body. This was not Paragon behaviour.

Then again, I was never trained for this situation.

“Aegis Hammer,” Princess Celestia called. I snapped out of my stupor, stiffening my posture in readiness as my ears swivelled forward. “Please, join us.”

Oh sun above, she was smiling - and not the friendly princess-smile. With legs a little more wobbly than I was happy with, I marched forward towards the coffee table. It took Celestia motioning downwards with her eyes for me to sit at the provided chair.

The aged griffon squawked out loud - the sound distinctly happy - as I pulled the chair, and tentatively lowered myself into it. “So good of you to join us!” He extended out his claw, opening it to drop a small cotton bag on the table.

I stared at it for what felt a long while. What was so special in this bag that it could summon an entire battalion?

“High-Sage, I must mention that your visit today was unexpected,” Princess Celestia said, drawing my attention to her giving a friendly smile.

“It is as I said!” Deuteronomy squawked, “I have decreed that I must share this coffee with you, and it has been a good fifteen years since we spoke last.”

Celestia nodded, before her horn lit up and picked up the bag of coffee, turning it over as she examined it. “I hope the terms of the treaty have been treating your people well, High-Sage?” she asked. My ears twisted slightly in perplexity.

He let out a said sigh. “I’m afraid not. Many griffons are stubborn and have ingrained war into their culture and being. It will be many years before I can coax a new way of life into them.”

I was very out of place here. I really didn’t want to be here. I was a gnat on the wall witnessing two superpowers talking about things that I would probably never have the security clearance for in my life.

“I will continue to lend aid where I can,” Princess Celestia said remorsefully, her head bowed sadly. “But please understand that Equestria has also suffered many great losses. We have only recently managed to get back on our hooves.”

The griffin shook his head, his feathers bristling slightly. “Bah! This is far too much sadness for me!”

I suddenly found a talon pointed in my direction. “Friend! Shield Basher, it was?”

I swallowed, stiffening my spine as I maintained eye-contact with him. Out of the corner of my eye, Celestia nodded in my direction.

“It was Aegis Hammer, sir…”

“Yes! Safety Smasher!” He turned to Celestia, motioning to the somewhat bare coffee table. “If you could please bring us some instruments, my dear friend?”

The alicorn nodded, her magic popping in three white ceramic coffee mugs, a small burner, coffee grinder and a moka pot.

At least I could say the Princess knew how to make coffee properly.

“Quickly, friend!” High-Sage Deuteronomy said, reaching into the bag and pulling out strange discoloured coffee beans. They didn’t look like the traditionally dark roasted brown I would have expected.

The actual brewing of the coffee went by somewhat unceremoniously. I was simply thankful that the two were paying attention to something that wasn’t me for three minutes.

The three mugs, now filled with freshly brewed coffee sat in front of each of us. None made any motion to pick up or drink the dark liquids.

Many years ago, while still a recruit, Captain Stone Craft had told me: ‘You will face a moment with the Princess, where you will feel a cold dread seeping in. You will want to panic, as there will be nothing that you can do to prepare for this moment. Dread it. Fear it. But recognise it for what it is. Just a moment.’

Was… this one of those moments?

Deuteronomy squawked loudly, causing me to flinch in my seat. “I must say - this aroma is not something I am familiar with.”

“Indeed,” Celestia responded. “I have never encountered something quite like this.” She turned to me. “Aegis Hammer, what do you think?”

Yeah. This was definitely one of those moments.

I stared wide-eyed like a foal with her hoof in the cookie jar at Celestia. What was I supposed to answer? How was I supposed to answer?

“You can speak candidly, if you wish,” the Princess added, which did nothing to quell my sense of dread. Both Deuteronomy and Celestia were now looking at me expectantly.

I opened my mouth to attempt some sort of answer, but a dry croak came out. Blasted vocal chords! Now was not the time to betray me! I only had two superpowers asking my opinion about a cup of coffee…

“Well…” I managed to finally get out shakily. “It is… a new type of coffee, you said, sir?”

The griffon nodded for a moment. “So, you are saying that this new coffee’s aroma is different because it being a new type of bean, I have simply not encountered it before?”

...did he seriously ask me that question?

I glanced over at Celestia to notice a slight smirk on her face. Oh Sun above they were using me for entertainment.

“Genius!” the High-Sage exclaimed, pointing a talon into the air. “Truly one of your best, Celestia!”

Celestia responded with a light chuckle. “You flatter me, old friend. I assure you, all of my Paragon Guard are trained to the highest of standards and I value each one of just as equally as the others.”

The world no longer made any sane sense and I was sure that these two would be the end of me. It was becoming increasingly difficult to prevent myself breaking into a nervous sweat.

The old griffon reached out and gripped his mug with both claws, bringing it closer to him. “Well, friends? I believe we have put off the inevitable for too long.”

It was with great trepidation I reached forward and gripped the mug in my hooves. The steam wafted the faint smell of bitter coffee into my nostrils. I glanced up to Celestia and Deuteronomy to see them also holding their mugs.

I relaxed my shoulders. It was time to admit defeat. Letting out a slight sigh, I took a swig in unison with the other two.

My face scrunched up as the flavour began to hit me. Surprisingly it wasn’t as bitter as I was expecting, but still had a very acidic taste. I swirled it around as it brutalised my taste buds with its overwhelming flavor.

I swallowed it down, before staring at the remaining liquid in the mug, now trying to unscrunch my face from that admittedly unique experience.

Silence filled the room for a whole ten seconds, each of us processing what we had just gone through.

“That,” I said, more loudly than I wanted to, “was possibly the worst cup of coffee I have ever had.”

My eyes snapped wide as folded my ears in embarrassment. Oh sun above I wasn’t meant to say that out loud… The Captain was going to make me go to Detention Barracks again, or he might skip that entirely and court-martial me!

What if Celestia were disappointed me? Sun above, I could endure anything except Celestia expressing her sorrow at my actions.

Sweat was beading across my face, my composure having finally broken. My eyes darted between the two global superpowers, as they looked back at me. I’m not sure what would’ve been worse - the currently neutral looks they both gave me, or an actual response.

High-Sage Deuteronomy clicked his beak a few times, before raising and pointing a talon upwards. “That is a most astute observation,” he wheezed. “Truly, this confirms her as one of your best Celestia.”

Princess Celestia said nothing, instead scrunching her muzzle for a moment as she levitated the coffee back down onto the table. Her jaw worked for a few moments, finally unscrunching itself.

It was one of those many common traits of ponies - the muzzle scrunch. A sure-fire way of seeing somepony’s true reaction to something, whether it be good or bad. Not even Celestia was immune to it.

Deuteronomy continued, also finally setting his mug down. “Perhaps such a taste was to be expected, considering the journey these beans have had.”

Celestia turned to him, eyebrow slightly raised. “Oh? And what journey might that be, old friend?”

I leaned forward in my seat, also curious now. What was so special about this bean that warranted a full battalion for a social call?”

I swear, that old griffon smirked as he paused before answering. “Well, it has gone through the digestive tract of a small feline-like animal, before being picked and bagged by local farmers.” I coughed and spluttered, suddenly gagging.

It went through what?!

He pulled out the bag, shuffling it around in his claws. “Kopi-Luwak, it is called!” he guffawed “Cat-butt coffee!”

Was this a joke?

I glanced between Princess Celestia and High-Sage Deuteronomy again.

Of course it was a joke. It was a practical joke against sanity and the universe and all that was sacred.

I cracked a grin, before letting out a guffaw of my own. Celestia joined me shortly afterwards, giving out a truly enthusiastic laugh - one I don’t think I have ever heard from the alicorn.

For a good ten minutes straight, the three of us hollered and laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the this whole thing. My sides were aching by the end of it, and even then I couldn’t hold back the occasional giggle.

“I think…” the griffon began, “that today was a good day, wouldn’t you say so Defense Breaker?”

I couldn’t even care to correct him this time. “I think so too, sir,” I chuckled.

He leaned forward, reaching out and clasping my shoulder. “You’re a good pony, friend. I can see why Celestia has such confidence in you. I can see why she values her friendship with you so dearly.”

I blinked a few times, confused. Looking up at Celestia, she offered me a levelled gaze and a faint smile.

“The day gets late, and I must round up the rest of my fellow griffons for the journey home,” Deuteronomy said, shifting the chair out from under him as he stood up.

“Thank you for the visit, High-Sage,” Celestia said warmly. “Your visit was truly a pleasant surprise.”

I also stood up. “It was a pleasure to meet you, sir,” I said, snapping a salute to the old griffon.

“The pleasure is all mine, friend!” he said, before leaning forward again. “And Aegis Hammer, you must look after Celestia. That old bird doesn’t show it, but she does need a little lifting up every now and then!”

“I would hardly call myself an ‘old-bird’, High-Sage,” Celestia chuckled, her magic cleaning up the mugs and brewing utensils.

Deuteronomy let out a loud guffaw as he hobbled out of the chamber.

And I couldn’t help but stand there, a somewhat dazed feeling coming over me as I watched him depart.

I turned to Celestia, about to say something when I noticed the smile on her muzzle. Sun above, I haven’t seen her smile like that since… since ever. She was positively glowing.

I smiled to myself. I don’t think there’ was anything more to be said, really.

Author's Note

This... chapter took too long to write. I had trouble finding a good groove for it, but in the end I'm happy with how it turned out.

I apologise for my lack of activity lately. Writer's block has hit me hard, but I'm still dedicated to finish my major stories.

Next on the block is One Year Later.