Stampede's Cracker Barrel

by Dash The Stampede

Rating: mature
Tags: Trixie, Comedy, Random, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2020

A compilation of mini-fics written about various topics, fics, and stupid ideas.

I read a lot of stories. Naturally, I come up with ideas based on said stories. This is the crucible within which I create the ficlets that spawn from my imagination. Each one is a separate story in its entirety. Referenced fics are mentioned in the A/N of the chapter.

Tags will be added as I write them.

Published 2014-10-07 04:00:08 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-24 03:49:33 UTC

Discord's Trash, Twilight's Transformation

Author's Note

Just something that popped into my head while editing Manes' fic Discord's Trash, Twilight's Treasure. Enjoy!

Discord's Trash, Twilight's Transformation

Twilight Sparkle sighed. The golden gleam of the statue-pony beside her overtook her vision and distracted her from her book. "Go. Away." Twilight growled, reaching out to push the smirking construct away. Hoof met side, and friction became a fickle bitch as the pony refused to budge.

The golden pony had appeared one solemn day due to a certain local chaos incarnate. Its face glimmered in the sunlight, the picture-perfect features of Twilight's own image smiling stupidly back at her. Growling again, she reached out for her book and a blanket. Affixing the blanket so that none of her body was accessible from the outside, she began to read under hornlight, searching for a spell that would revert the annoying thing to its scepter form once more.

Shivering with trepidation as she turned the pages, Twilight remembered her past experiences with the book simply titled Transformations: A Guidebook. At least Applejack had profited from the peaches! Page after page, Twilight searched, the minutes dragging on. Suddenly, a weight shifted onto her side, and she jumped back, exposing herself to the room's light once more. Blinking away the stars, she failed to notice the golden hooves snaking around her chest.

"Agh. Damn pony!" Twilight shoved and shoved, before teleporting to the other side of the room in desperation. She whipped her book out from under the blanket and focused her vision on the spell that would cause a pony to become an inanimate object, or revert a come-to-life spell. Its consequences could be drastic if cast incorrectly, or if it backfired. Readying her horn, she began to cast the spell, focusing on the steadily approaching golden pony. A beam shot from her horn tip, encasing the pony before her in a lavender glow, before refracting back into Twilight, knocking her back into the wall.

"Oh no! That wasn't supposed to happen! Now I'm going to become an inani--" Twilight's voice cut out as she began to shrink, her bosy elongating and smoothing out. Her vision stuck forward as her head shrunk and began to turn gold. She could see the golden pony looking back at her with its perpetual smile, but something wasn't right. The pony started to appear...purple!

Twilight struggled to fight the change as her limbs receded into the staff of the scepter, becoming polished metal, her tail shrinking down into a jewel on the bottom of the staff. Her wings shrank back and became a hoofgrip on the handle as her hair solidified into gold, her eyes freezing up and glazing over with gold. Her mind grew fuzzy as she began to drift into the nothingness of becoming metal, her thoughts thinning out as her brain cells converted to steel. Her open mouth closed for the final time, sealing itself into a perpetual smirk as the scepter shrank to size. A loud clatter echoed through the library as the scepter fell to the floor at the hooves of a lavender unicorn, her smile unwavering as she lifted the golden staff. Opening a closet, the mare stuffed the scepter into it and sat down to read a book.

After all, Twilight 2 had a lot of catching up to do.

"Spike! Take a letter!...Dear Discord..."

700 Years of Bad Luck Cummin' For You

Loud, feminine gasps echoed throughout the Carousel Boutique, accented by pants and throaty moans from a burly partner, as the perfumed air slowly became replaced with something more pungent.

"Oh! Oh--Oh my--" Rarity's mind fought for superiority as her bodily desires duked it out for importance. Sheer, unrelenting, immeasurable pleasure, or continuing the flow of oxygen to her lungs. Her rapidly-darkening face attested to the lungs' case, and with a trembling inhale, she began to rise once more to the peak of pleasure her partner kept her going at. He really was a handsome stallion, if a little rough in his ways, but one must never complain when creating a proper collaboration with Fancy Pants.

Rarity's gasps and moans only grew in volume as she approached her peak. Fancy thrust harder and harder, forcing his length deep into Rarity's folds. Rarity began to moan his name, calling out as though a foal to her mother, then, like a bear to its prey, to roaring as though a lion possessed her vocal chords, all while clamping down on Fancy. He shivered with delight and excitement.

"I daresay...I am rather...close." He managed to grunt between thrusts. Rarity paid him no mind, as her ears were filled with her own melodic moans and whimpers, the shrieks as he thrust all the way in--just like that!--filling the entire block with the sounds of passion. Higher and higher she climbed, riding her lover till her journey would end in a glorious conglomerate of love and harmony. Twilight simply didn't know what she was missing out on!

Fancy gripped Rarity's sides harder, thrusting with force as he grew close to climax. Rarity's pants and screams were loud enough to cause Fancy to flinch, but he soldiered on, intent on scoring his prize. Faster and faster, harder and harder until--

*CRACK*

With a wail that could shatter bones, the mirrors surrounding Rarity's room splintered, and exploded outwards, the glass breaking apart from the sheer volume of the shriek. Mirror after mirror smashed in the room, showering the couple with glass shards, the twinkling little bits mixing in with the juices running down the lovers' legs. Cries of disdain could be heard outside the Boutique as well, as every mirror in the local vicinity fell victim to the orgasmic wave of destruction, the force wiping out compacts and bathroom fixtures alike. The local mirror shop would have nailed a snow globe look-alike contest, if the snow was shards of sharp deadly glass, and the ponies were covering their faces and prying glass chunks out of their eyes.

Passer-by gazed with morbid curiosity at the Boutique, its windows all cracked, and the mirrors all destroyed. Some covered their ears, others ran for cover. The smart ones sat and watched, because none would escape the wrath of a mirror-less town. The crowd converged on the Boutique, shouting curses and throwing chunks of glass at the now-opened windows. Rarity looked out with a worried expression, noticing the mirrors all broken.

"That's going to be a LOT of bad luck." Rarity said, smacking her face.

Rarity cowered behind the folding snack table in her living room, carelessly throwing grapes over the top at her many assailants. As the crowd neared, she began to shiver with disgust at her own actions, licking the grapes before throwing them. As the lubed-up projectiles made contact, the lesser beings retreated from the fear of cooties. Those with soap and washcloths at home trudged forward, unrelenting juggernauts of rage.

"I said I'm sorry!" Rarity squealed, her mane being matted down by the watermelon juice dripping off her wall above her. "What do you want from me?!"

"We want..."

Rarity cowered, shivering in anticipation.

"We want..."

Rarity sat up, an eyebrow working its way up her face in question.

"Want...revenge!" A pair of hooves grabbed Rarity, and try as she might, the grip held, and she drifted off into dreamless rest as she fainted.

Rarity awoke to a room filled with only a bed, a mirror adjacent her, and the wooden rack upon which she lay. Struggling to cast a spell, the magic fizzled out, causing her restraints to tighten themselves. "Where...where am I?" Rarity looked about as best as she could before the sound of hoofsteps echoed through the room. Suddenly, a pair of ponies came into view, approaching the bed, and ignoring Rarity's existence. The first, a mare, helped the other, a stallion, to climb atop her form. The face of Fancy Pants came into view as she tried to look away but couldn't. The mare under him looked up at Rarity, and smirked, before saying one sentence, followed by a name, and devolving into a series of moans:

"Ninety-nine mirrors to go."

"Trenderhoof's next."

Author's Note

Based off a comment on an editing project I helped with earlier. Gonna have to bump this to mature now, though. 'She came so loud, mirrors everywhere shattered'

Also, a shout-out to Dustin Lange for being my 100th follower! Thanks, Dustin! :D

Rot Fuzz

"Trixie knows your one true weakness, Sparkle." the mare held a succulent, shiny peach within her hooves, offering Twilight a bite. Twilight recoiled in fear.

"No! Nonononono! Not those again! Nu-uh!" with a blast of magic, Twilight plastered the peach against the nearest tree, splashing juice all over Trixie's steadily-reddening form.

"You- You'll PAY, Sparkle!" Trixie lit her horn and uttered a few zebrican incantations, her magic floating over to the peach's remains. A soft blue glow caressed the broken fruit's body, heralding its succulent soul back to its shell as a bluish mist settled over the mushed remains. The pit rose, followed by the crushed innards, the whole amalgamation sealing within the bruised skin it had once boasted, the purplish tints adding an ominous atmosphere to the room.

Twilight gulped. She turned about, only to see the remains of the shredded peaches from her garbage disposal crawling from the sink - small, digit-less limbs squelched out and in as the peach gunk drew closer.

"It's over, Sparkle. Admit it, Trixie wins, you lose. Trixie reanimated the peaches left in your wake, and Trixie will use them to destroy you, Sparkle! Ahahahahaa!"

"A... all? Y... you mean... Oh no..." Twilight glanced to her windows, before the first screams broke her attention.

"Not again!"

"Are those ZOMBIE PEACHES?"

They've come back to get revenge!"

"The HORROR!"

Twilight sighed, lighting her horn, and dissipating the peaches with a wave of her head.

Her expression drew to confused as she noticed the fruits still advancing ever-onward toward her home.
An eerie wail echoed from the crowd. "Peeeeeeaach.... ooolutionn" raising the hairs on Twilight's neck on end.

She grabbed a nearby spellbook, a quill, and a sack of herbs from Zecora, before teleporting out of the library, leaving Trixie searching frantically. "Get back here, Sparkle! I want to see the look on your face when the fruit juices you! Come out!"

Twilight, in the meantime, stood atop her tree, focusing powerful magic into an herbal concoction, intended to free the souls of the undead peaches. Her horn crackled with strain, and she could smell the saccharine rot of the decaying army invading her nose. Scrunching her muzzle, she unleashed her spell, covering every undead peach in its glow.

Like a candle under a tidal wave, the life force of thousands of undead peaches groaned out in abstract terror, before being silenced at once...

With the undulating maw of an Ursa.

The bear, having been lulled out of its hibernation by the potent Urs-nip Zecora had helped create, began to stumble away happily, the shocked face of Trixie blanching as her army fell victim to the night sky. As the final peach disappeared underpaw, Trixie fell to her knees, the spell broken. "That... should have worked..." Trixie mumbled. "So... many peaches."

"You're forgetting one thing, Trixie: Peaches have pits, and an Ursa's stomach is commonly known to be a bottomless pit. Ursas love fruits with pits because they believe it fills their stomach and makes them whole. Any base-level mage knows that!" As the remnants of the Rot Fuzz drained away, so too did Trixie's confidence, the mare deflating as reality took a hold of her thoughts. Turning, she faced Twilight with a nervous chuckle, and made to leave, before being blocked off by Twilight. A lone peach floated beside Twilight, the unmarred fruit hovering menacingly closer to Trixie. The showmare jumped back in fear, before letting out a shaky breath.

"Er...Trixie is willing to reconcile."

Author's Note

I honestly don't remember writing this xD

But I found it, and I'm posting it anyways ahaha!

I SWEAR this is all the peaches I have.