Chapter 1: Rude Beginnings
I fucking hate My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It is probably the worst show I’ve ever seen. It’s just so gay and faggotry, like my brother.
Don’t even get me started on my brother. Man, he is such a faggot. He works at this pharmacy in Los fucking Angeles, which is the stupidest place ever to work at.
I, however, work at an orthodontist office, which pays a lot more than that stupid pharmacy. Yes, I don’t have friends, but who needs fucking friends when you have a fuckload of money.
I guess I should be telling you about myself instead of complaining. I’m Collin Cromwell, the rich and well behaved sibling of Jacob Cromwell.
Man, if you saw Jacob like I did, you would fucking hate him. When we were little, he was always loving and kind to people, growing attached to people way too much. You might call him a very sensitive kid, but I call him a fucking crybaby. That’s why when he had a girlfriend every fucking week, they always broke up with him because he was too attached. True, I never had a loving companion, but you don’t need one to survive.
Anyway, I had tons of friends in High School, while Jacob was too shy to do any damn thing in school. Everyone fucking hated Jake for being a brony, and he deserved it.
Jacob did ok in school. He usually just got As and Bs, because he was a fucking retard. I did exceptionally well, got all 100s on every one of my assignments, and went to the best college in the nation, whereas faggot Jacob only got accepted into a small college.
After we got jobs, we never talked to each other again. We avoided each other like the fucking plague. At family reunions, we always sat in the opposite ends of the seats.
Jacob was a faggot because he liked My Little Pony, and he was an introvert. He just stayed in his room and talked to his internet “friends” who liked the show as well. I knew they were fucking pedophiles, because no one in their right minds watches a show mean for girls ages 6-12.
That all changed when he got himself a helpmate. He got a pony version of them, and I just fucking hated him for it. He got some chick named “Babs Seed” or some shit. Man, was she the ugliest abomination I’ve ever seen. She had this weird pink hair straight out a japanese anime, which I also despise, and this orange fur-skin shit. It was like Jacob had a weird furry girlfriend.
Then, they both started texting me how “happy” they are and I “Should totally get one,” because it’ll “Change my life” or some shit. And one of his internet pedophiles got a weird pink one named Pinkie Pie. The thought about sharing my life with an abomination was disgusting. I wouldn’t want to look at one, let alone touch one. It wasn’t just the pony ones that bothered me. All of them. They were all abominations, twisted freaks, and those that wanted them were just as bad.
I looked at the bottle of classic Coke and swirled it around slightly. The liquid sloshing inside of the glass bottle.
The entire world is full of idiots: idiots, faggots, and hypocrites, I thought, Especially Jacob and his abomination.
I couldn’t believe that we were brothers. how could he love something that wasn’t human? Paul is a fuckin’ tool, but at least he likes human girls. I finished off my classic Coke and shook my head. I heard the sound of someone on my stoop, and I stood up. I almost hoped it was Jehovah's Witnesses. I really did, because I could take a moment to correct them on their beliefs, and then poke a little fun at them for being wrong.
I opened the door and there was something I didn’t expect to see. It had to be female, that much I knew, but it was a cross between a human and a fuckin’ pony. I took a moment to study the creature on my stoop before I started to close the door.
“Get the fuck off of my stoop,” I growled.
She put her hoof in the door and stopped it from closing,
“It’s cold out here,” she whined.
“Don’t care, leave,” he replied.
“I want in! It’s cold out here!” she shouted.
I started to push against the door, and she did the same. Finally I backed up and she fell into the house.
“Get the fuck out of my house!” I shouted.
“NO! IT’S COLD OUTSIDE!” she screamed back at me.
“Either you get the fuck out or I’m calling the police!” I threatened.
“So? They’ll see that you were threatening to leave a poor defenseless mare out in the cold and see things my way anyway. It’s not like I’m being unreasonable. I just want somewhere warm to stay, this place is warm… Well the house is. You’re not acting warm. You’re acting all cold and bitter to me,” she replied.
I shook my head. How delusional was she? The police would know that she was somebody’s lost thing and take her away. I started to activate my Digital Assistant when I stopped. She wanted someplace warm? Fine, the basement is warm, and dark, and out of the damned way. Maybe the twisted freak that owns her might have a reward offered for her safe return. If that’s the case then I could collect a reward, and tell him that he’s a twisted fuck for wanting fuck this thing.
“Fine,” I said looking toward the basement.
I closed the door and heard her hooves in my kitchen.
“What are you doing?! Get out of the kitchen!” I yelled at her.
“I’m hungry and thirsty!” she yelled back at me.
“Bitch, I don’t care if you’re starving to death. Nobody ever, and I mean ever goes into my kitchen without asking first!” I shouted.
“Fine! May I please get something to drink and eat?” she asked in a mockingly sweet tone.
“Fine, go ahead. Don’t get too much!” I yelled at her.
Now was a good time to get some advice. I rushed to my smartphone and contacted the most qualified but gayest person I know: Jacob.
I heard a yawning. “Yo, Collin. Long time no hear. What’s up?”
“Alright, you miserable little faggot. I have this anthro abomination rummaging through my kitchen and taking my food because ‘Oh, she’s so hungry and so thirsty.”
“What’s the pony’s name?” Jacob asked.
I went to the kitchen, where the abomination was grabbing food. “What’s your name again?” I asked.
“Sunflower, Sunflower Seed, and what’s yours? Wait.. I’m really good at this game… I’m guessing something along the lines of Icy, Freezer, or something like that right?” she asked grabbing a carrot cake out of the fridge and putting it on the counter.
“Oh sweet Celestia Carrot Cake… I haven’t had a carrot cake in forever!” she almost looked like she was ready to drool over the cake.
“Get your filthy hooves off that! I’ll deal with you later!” I yelled at her as I went back to the phone call with Brother McFaggot.
“Sunflower Seed.” I answered.
“Oh my god... “ I heard Jacob say something off call, “Babs, I TOLD you he has your sister!”
“Discord probably listened to our little conversation and thought that was a good idea!” his abomination, Babs Seed, answered. “Let me talk to him, I got a few words to say to him.”
“Not now, Babs.” Jacob answered. “My Babs and your Sunflower Seed are siblings. So, what you need to do first is wa-”
‘Hold on, WHAT?” I yelled at him. I returned to the kitchen. “My faggot brother has your sister. Someone named Babs Seed or some gay shit.”
“What do you mean he has Barbara? Is she staying with him? Oh… did wittle Barbara finally find somepony that liked her?”
“LET ME FUCKING TALK TO HER!” Babs yelled from the phone, possibly stole it from Jacob. I proceeded to hand it to her.
“Now you listen here, Sunflower. I’ve had more coltfriends than you’ll ever have! Jacob has been the sweetest stallion I know. At least I have a loving coltfriend and you have Jake’s mean, cold brother.”
“What are you talking about having? I’m staying here because it’s cold outside, and I wanted to get somewhere warm! And ha! Most of your coltfriends were losers! Even that one colt you said you met in Ponyville. Pulease, even if he was real I bet that he was a real loser too,” she replied.
“Snips was a way better coltfriend than you ever had, even if he broke up because of school and such. You have a fucking douchebag of a ‘friend’. Jacob has told me that he has not had a marefriend in his life, nor has he even kissed a girl before!”
“He’s not my coltfriend! I’m staying here because it’s cold outside! He’s not even a really good host! He constantly says no! But even so I bet that his house is a thousand times better than your coltfriend’s,” she replied.
“Just because he’s rich, doesn’t mean he’s nice.”
“Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, when are you going to learn that love isn’t the most important thing. That’s… so peasant of you”
“Exactly!” I said to Sunflower, “Money and power is the true things that make you survive! If anything, love is an obstacle to what you really desire!”
“At least somepony understands. Now, Barbara, I’m in the mood to eat a little carrot cake and enjoy being in a warm house. Oh, do call again I enjoy our little chats,” she said passing the phone back to me.
“Actually, Jacob, I don’t need to speak to you. I think I got it handled.” I said as I hung up the phone and walked to Sunflower. “You seem to know a lot more than anyone I’ve ever known. I’m actually starting to like you, Sunflower.”
“I’ve got that affect on ponies, and you’re not so cold like I thought. What do you say we have some cake, and I must know if there is any peasants around here that we can set straight. Surely they have to know that the conditions they’re living in is their own faults,” she said.
“Exactly. How much cake do you want?” I asked as I grabbed the cake, preparing to cut it into slices.
“Oh, just a slice would be fine, and of course something to drink,” she replied.
“What kind of drink do you want?” I asked, making my way to the fridge.
“Oh, do you have any cherry soda? I do like that. Daddy got me a bottle of it once. He said that I was supposed to share with Barbara, since we were going to see her, but I pretended to forget and drunk the entire thing myself. It wasn’t my fault that her mama was so poor, she couldn’t afford more than that bland oats and water,” she replied.
I searched through the fridge to find a lonely bottle of cherry soda. I grabbed it and handed it to Sunflower. Afterwards, I cut a slice of cake for each of us, put them on separate plates, and brought them to my dining room table. She seemed a bit more graceful than I had thought earlier. If she was just human she’d be perfect. She was someone who shared my views, thought like I did, and I liked that.
We began to eat the cake, and to my surprise she took little lady like bites. She ate like my mother, well Jacob’s and my mother, and she obviously had manners and class. She had been raised to a cultured woman. I grinned at the situation. She was so devious, but she hid it behind her cultured actions. Maybe having her here wouldn’t be so bad, or it wouldn’t as long as no one really found out about it.
“So, tell me a little bit about yourself.” I said to her as I ate some of the cake.
“Mmmm,” she said as she finished her bite of cake, “Well, my Daddy met Mumsie when he was married to that awful mud pony.”
“Was that pony Babs’ mom?” I asked.
“Why, yes, yes it was. She was a terribly uncultured bore. I think the only thing Daddy liked about her was the fact that she was easy on the eyes, but beauty fades, and Daddy began to wander. That’s when he found Mumsie. Oh, she made him happy as a colt in a candy store, which lead to me, of course, and then when he left that awful mud pony she told him that if he ever cheated on her, like he did with that mud pony, she’d see that his stallion hood was removed and hung around his neck. Mumsie was one of the Canterlot Nobles, so she could do whatever she wanted,” she replied.
“What’s a Canterlot Noble?” I asked.
“Oh, the ruling class of Pony society. Unfortunately most of those disgusting mud and bird ponies don’t realize what’s good for them, so they need somepony to make up their minds, and tell them what they need to do. Like a mud pony is really only good for breeding stock and working in the fields,”
“I thought that the princesses and royalty was the highest class.” Even though I hated the show, everyone knew a little about it.
“Well, the Princesses managed the big disputes, but the actual laws came from the Nobles. In fact we’re the ones that made it against the law for mud ponies to hold any office higher than a mayor, and even then that was questionable. I mean, really, do you want something that only knows how to bend over or work making decisions about your livelihood?”
“No...well, what about the unicorns? I’m guessing the ‘mud’ ponies are earth ponies, and bird ponies are pegasi.”
“Exactly, and Unicorns are what filled the noble houses. It’s a shame that Daddy was a mud pony, but even so he was unusually smart for one. Mumsie suspected that there was unicorn blood in his family line. Of course there are rube unicorns out there. Those that chose to live in mud pony towns and cities. And then there are the ones that try to live in the bird pony cities, but those usually forget about the spells to stay on the clouds and well.. lets say that we don’t have to worry about them after that,” she answered.
“Well, if you’re going to live with me, we need to set some ground rules and a place to sleep for you.”
“That’s fine with me. I’d rather like my own room, if you have a spare one, and perhaps one with a private bath? I do hate getting sweaty, and I fear that I might have while I was looking for someplace warm. Which reminds me I do wonder what happened to Mumsie and Daddy?”
“My spare room has everything you need, plus a lot more.” I said to her as I got up. “Now, we need to get you some clothes, so you want to go clothes shopping?”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever heard more beautiful words spoken in the Equinish language. Clothes shopping would be divine. It’d be nice if I could rub Barbara’s nose in the fact that I have some new clothes as well, but for now the shopping would be wonderful,” she said.
“Me and Jacob live in the opposite ends of the nation. he live in California, I lives in Georgia.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. It would be nice to see Barbara getting all flustered and upset. She behaves just like a mud pony. Getting angry, trying to lash out without using words. It’s so pathetic, and yet it’s so much fun to watch,” she said.
“Shall we go? I think Gap closes in about an hour.”
“Gsp? What kind of store is Gap? I wonder if it’s like Gapping Glaciers all weather apparel? Mumsie took me there once. It’s a very exclusive clothing store, and she bought me a new winter coat that was made in Griffiontonia. It had real leather, but we couldn’t say anything about that, since real leather was outlawed in Equestria,” she replied.
“Alright, let’s go!” I said as I put a hand out in front of Sunflower.
She reached out, touched my hand and there was a small spark. The both of us looked at each other, and she blushed after a moment. Not saying a word we walked out of my house, I locked the door, and then we got into my solar powered mercedes. I grinned as I put it in gear and headed toward The Gap.
