Big Mac's Dick Is Made Of Pandas

by Syeekoh

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Big Macintosh, Random, Discord, Applejack
Length: 1174

Big Mac's dick is made of pandas

Big Mac wakes up to find out that his dick is made of pandas.

Who could be responsible for such a heinous act?

YouTube reading by Dark_Shadow!

Published 2014-10-04 23:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-04 23:40:03 UTC

Big Mac's...I'm not repeating myself

Big Macintosh woke up to blackness outside, ready to start the new day. He instantly noticed his erection tenting the blankets. Shaking his head, he pulled off the covers—only to quickly throw them back on, utterly shocked and confused. What the hell was going on? How could this happen to him? How did this happen to him?

“You awake yet, Big Mac?” Applejack’s voice called out.

“Ee...eeyup.”

“Then why aren’t you in the shower?”

“I, uh, have a problem?”

“What kind of problem?”

“Just… come in here and I’ll show you.”

Applejack opened the door to Big Mac’s bedroom and instantly giggled when she saw the tent in his blanket.

“So, you got morning wood! Ain’t no biggie!”

Big Mac shook his head. “It’s not that…” he said as he threw the blankets off of him.

Applejack’s jaw dropped at what she saw. In place of Big Mac’s penis were a series of ten tiny pandas. They didn’t appear to be alive or anything, they were just… there.

“Big Mac, your dick appears to be made out of pandas.”

Big Mac furrowed his gaze at Applejack. “Eeyup.”

“Oh, Discord…” Applejack said as she shook her head. “Well, let me check if there’s any permanent damage done,” she said as she walked over to Big Mac’s bed and touched his panda-penis.

Big Mac started sweating. “What are you doing?”

“Just checking to see if Discord didn’t fuck up your plumbing or—” she started before the panda on the top of his penis launched into Applejack’s eye.

“What the fuck, Big Mac?” She asked, rubbing her eye which was probably going to bruise.

“Huh,” Big Mac said, “I guess I’m extra sensitive.”

“No shit, asshole. You… panda’ed in my eye.” A bruise was starting to form around her eye.

Big Mac grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t sweat it. You had no idea that your… pandick would react like that.”

“Guess not.”

Applejack removed her hoof from her eye. “Well, I feel real bad about it, but I’m going to have to wake up Fluttershy extra early.”

“Don’t, I don’t want to be any trouble—”

“Nonsense. You’re my brother and I’m going to get this sorted out.”

“Thanks, Applejack.”

Applejack grinned. “No problem,” she said as she trotted out the door.

The sun was just starting to rise when Applejack bucked down the door to Fluttershy’s cottage, where a smiling Discord was seemingly waiting for her. Applejack stared down Discord, eyes slit and breathing heavily.

“What the hell did you do to my brother?”

Discord chuckled. “I can tell by the bruise on your eye that you already found out. I didn’t know you played that game, but seriously, I really should have expected—”

Applejack pounced for Discord who teleported to the side, leaving her to fall onto the sofa. She looked around and glared at Discord when she found him.

“Don’t you ever talk about my family that way again.”

Discord tutted. “Oh my, such a Serious Sally. Can’t even take a joke.”

“Joke? Joke‽ You turned my brother’s dick into pandas! How is that funny‽”

Discord could barely contain the giggling coming out of his mouth. “It’s just… it’s just…” Discord started before he fell down, howling wildly. “It’s just the absurdity of it! I mean, who would expect to wake up to have an pandong‽”

“Not my brother, I can tell you that,” Applejack growled as she removed herself from the couch. “Now, I also noticed that when I got, um…”

“Your moneyshot?”

“Can it, Discord,” Applejack said, causing Discord to giggle even more. “Now as I was saying, I noticed the panda didn’t grow back.”

Discord sat up and arched an eyebrow. “Why would they grow back? They’re pandas, not earthworms!”

“I know that,” Applejack said, “but what happens if he runs out of pandas? Is his dick going to be… gone?”

Discord shook his head. “Of course not! What do you think I am, a monster?”

“I’m starting to suspect as much.”

“No, no, no, that’s how you get his dick back!”

“What do you mean?” Applejack asked confusedly.

“Well,” Discord said as he floated back into the air, “when he runs out of pandas, his dick should grow back.”

Applejack leered at Discord. “What do you mean should?”

“Well, if I performed the spell right, when the last panda is propelled, his pancock should turn back into a regular penis.”

Applejack facehoofed. “Fine,” she said as she headed towards the door, “I’m trusting you on this?”

Discord leaned into Applejack and fluttered his eyelashes. “And why wouldn’t you trust little old me?”

Applejack glared at Discord. “Seriously?”

Discord pulled back and slumped. “Yeah, I guess.”

Applejack shut her eyes, then opened them. “I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“No, I understand. Just go help your brother.”

“Alright then,” she said as she adjusted her stetson and trotted out of Fluttershy’s cottage.

“Discord, what happened? I heard a loud sound and hid in my closet because I thought somepony was trying to break in.”

“It was nothing, Fluttershy,” Discord said, “just playing a prank.”

“Oh, okay. Just checking.”

Discord smirked. If he couldn’t cause any real chaos, at least he could have a bit of fun on the side.

Big Mac saw the door open, revealing Applejack with a somber expression.

“What did he say?” Big Mac asked.

“He said,” Applejack said as she looked down, “he said I’m gonna have to jack you off to get rid of the pandas.”

Big Mac eyes popped open. “Surely you could get someone else to—”

“Nope. As your sister whose friend did this to you… I’m gonna take responsibility for it,” she said as she moved towards Big Mac’s panwang and stroked it gently, causing Big Mac to blush.

“Really, we could—”

“Big Mac, no,” Applejack said as she continued stroking the pandis. “Do you really want anypony else to see—ow, what the fuck‽”

“...maybe you should move to the side.”

Applejack giggled sheepishly. “Yeah. Maybe I should.”

Apple Bloom came home from school, ready to to do her homework. She trotted upstairs to her room, hearing arguing coming from Big Macintosh’s room.

“—why is this getting so difficult?”

“Maybe ‘cause we’ve been doing it a lot recently? Maybe we should just quit until tomorrow—”

“—no! We’re solving this to—ow!Why do they always seem to home in on me‽”

Curious, Apple Bloom opened the door to her big brother’s room only to find Applejack and Big Mac staring at her, faces blushed over. Applejack’s face was covered in bruises and her right hoof was in Big Mac's lap. There appeared to be a pile of tiny pandas collected around her left hoof.

“Apple Bloom, this isn’t what it looks—”

Apple Bloom didn’t hear the last part of what she said, for she slammed the door shut, her face a shade of roseate.

Is that what sex looks like? Apple Bloom thought. I’m never doing that!

Author's Note

This is what goes through my head.