Parents don’t realize the damage their occasional slight remarks can cause. It is not their fault really. Some times they just don't realize they have forgotten to turn their internal filter on. If they do realize what they have said they make the mistake of assuming that little ones won’t remember or that the words they string together won’t make an impression. They do.
One time when I was six years old my mother gave me a gentle but loving poke in the belly and said, “You’re getting chubby.” By the time I was thirteen, I was pinching the same belly and saying to my reflection, “You’re getting fat.” When I was eight years old my father said, "Your hair is getting pretty shaggy." To this day I spend more time on my hair than I do eating. And on a surface level I understand there was no malice in anything either of my parents said to me, but that doesn't change how it affected me.
My choice of profession probably doesn't help any lingering self doubt I have though. Fashion is a fickle and unforgiving mistress and I've voluntarily put myself face to face with her. I don't underestimate my ability to make somepony beautiful but if I'm being truly honest here there is a lot of self-importance that goes into the fashion industry. For better or for worse I am not like that.
I've read papers that call me things like "down to earth," or "humble." I don't agree with those papers. I once tried to dispute that to them but in doing so I only reinforced those ideas. I stopped trying after that.
I've told myself many times that I wouldn't read them anymore, for my own sake really, but the thing about fashion is that your reputation is everything. You can be the best seamstress in Equestria but if somepony famous decides to badmouth you then finding clients who will take you on becomes nigh impossible. So I do my best to be liked by everypony, even if I'm not always myself.
My sister, Sweetie Belle, lives with me now. At least until our parents find a new home in a more suitable location as well as sell the horrid place they have now. Why they ever sold our old home to move out to those slums is beyond me. But I'm glad they did because my time with Sweetie has given me a new perspective on things. She genuinely looks up to me, I don't know that I could ever explain how much that means to me. I love her and and I'm glad I have this chance to not make the same mistake my parents did. It's not as easy as I thought it'd be. But she's giving me a confidence I've never gotten from my friends.
My friends.
I'm not sure I could ever really explain to them how I feel most days. Not because I don't think they'll care, no far from that I'm sure they'll be there every step of the way. No, I'm terrified they wont understand. That they'll see it as some sort of narcissism when I tell them how desperate I am to hear somepony say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're already wonderful. They wouldn't understand that I can't remember anypony ever saying these things to me. I sometimes think Sweetie Belle might feel this way but she's never vocalized it. I like to think she does though, it helps me sleep at night.
I'm sure at times my friends see me as demanding or difficult. But if I am ever demanding or difficult it's because I want to crumble and fall apart in front of them. But I can't do that, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Twilight Sparkle stopped reading. She hadn't meant to start reading Rarity's personal journal, she just saw an open book and took a peek, but after reading the first paragraph she felt compelled to continue. Twilight always thought Rarity seemed almost as sure of herself as Rainbow Dash always was. Twilight supposed the key word there was seemed.
Twilight sat for a moment, collecting herself before calling over Rarity from her busy process that had her running around her work space. Rarity wasn't paying much attention to Twilight, she was too caught up in her current order. Rarity was only barely keeping a slight conversation up. She didn't even notice when Twilight asked about the book before she stopped talking to read from it.
"Rarity, can you stop for a moment, I think we should talk," said Twilight.
"We're talking now, darling. What is it that you need?" If Rarity had been looking at Twilight when she said that she would have seen Twilight's worried expression. As it stands the only things Rarity saw were various fabrics and the thread she would stitch them together with.
Twilight used her magic to pull the thread spool from Rarity. Rarity turned to Twilight in a fit about to chastise her friend's impediment of her work but fell silent when Twilight just motioned towards the little black journal that lay open on the table.
Rarity's eyes widened for a moment before a genuine looking fake grin plastered itself onto her lips and she gave a small chuckle. "Oh that," Rarity walked over to Twilight and picked up the book in her magic. "Look darling, this is just how I work out frustration. It means nothing, truly." Twilight didn't believe her.
"Why don't you think we'd understand Rarity? I do understand. Maybe I haven't had the exact same problems you have had to deal with but for so long I've been the personal student of Princess Celestia, like that somehow makes me infallible. Ponies expect so much from me and I'm not always so sure I deserve to be in that position so I understand. So Rarity, please, talk with us if you have problems, we are here for you. I'm here for you."
Rarity had stopped smiling about halfway through what Twilight had said. She was looking at the floor now. Rarity didn't like the carpet in this room very much. The color worked, a nice eggshell white, but the carpet wasn't soft enough and whenever she looked in stores they only had cream white in stock. Rarity silently promised herself to look for a new carpet again later.
"Rarity, are you even listening?" Twilight demanded.
"Yes." Rarity's voice was little more than a whisper now. "And I know Twilight. I understand everything you've said. Of course I know that everypony has insecurities from time to time. It's part of being alive. I understand that quite clearly," Rarity looked up at Twilight now.
"Then why haven't you talked to us yet?" Twilight said, sounding hurt.
"I don't know Twilight. I don't suppose you like that answer but I don't. I was seeing a psychiatrist a little while back and when I decided to stop going he recommended keeping a journal." Rarity sat back and and let out a frustrated huff of air.
"Rarity," Twilight began. "When I was little -"
"No!" Rarity shouted, cutting whatever Twilight was about to say short in a flash of anger. "If you really understood then you'd just drop the topic all together instead of trying to force me to talk about this."
"That's not what friends do," Twilight shot back, unfazed by Rarity's sudden outburst.
"What is it you want me to say Twilight?" Rarity asked.
"I want you to talk openly about this, I want you to understand that we all think you're wonderful Rarity. Why wont you let me show you that?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know," Rarity admitted.
"What do you want me to do Rarity? What can I do? Because I can't just do nothing," Twilight said.
With a sigh Rarity took the magnifying glasses she wore whenever she was working off of her face and put them on the table along with the journal. Rarity leaned forward into Twilight, hugging her. Rarity tried to speak but no words would come. Tears came instead.
A few minutes went by with Twilight just holding her friend. When Rarity had finished crying she let Twilight out of the embrace and took a step back.
"Sorry darling," Rarity said, wiping her eyes. Her eyes were pink now and her tears had ruined her makeup.
"Rarity, don't ever apologize for something like that. You are important to me and I'm sure all of our other friends feel the same way." Twilight finished her statement by pulling Rarity into another hug.
Rarity had started to regain her composure and managed to hug Twilight back. "Thank you Twilight."
Twilight gave a small shrug as she let Rarity go again.
"Thank you for letting me in," Twilight responded. "If you ever need a moment like this let me know, no matter what I'm doing I'll be here for you because nothing is more important that this. Don't be afraid to open up to us Rarity, let us be strong for you when you don't think you can."
Rarity took a deep breath then looked back over to her work.
"I can help pass you what you need," Twilight offered, noticing the tired look Rarity was wearing. "Maybe you'll get done faster."
"Thank you dear," Rarity said with a nod. "I'd like that very much."
Author's Note
A few comments had me considering going back and editing the ending of this to better clarify the intended feeling at the end of the story. The idea is that Rarity isn't over it (and frankly will likely never will be completely over it; feelings and emotions that develop like that tend to stick with you for life) but she was ready to start letting others in and working on it. Because friendship!
In the end though I decided to leave it as is for the simple reason that it's something I have to work on and I'm worried that if I just cover it up I might forget my own take away from this. This was how I wrote it and it's how I published it to the site. If I'm unhappy with it I should work harder to write better. This Author's Note is here to clarify the intent though. A band-aid solution to be sure, but it's better than nothing.
