The Mare Who Wanted To Bang a Human Child

by Twiface

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Original Character, Sex, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 7356

Some chump builds a portal to Equestria and then marries Lyra. Another chump goes through the portal and says "Screw Lyra, Bon Bon's better" then has a hot date with best pone. This is the story of that other chump.

My submission to the Mystquestria group.

Some chump builds a portal to Equestria and then marries Lyra. Another chump goes through the portal and says "Screw Lyra, Bon Bon's better" then has a hot date with best pone. This is the story of that other chump.

Thanks to Ratwhiskers for the picture.

Published 2014-10-06 14:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-06 14:40:02 UTC

Chapter Bon

Chapter Bon:

I am Jayson DeBass, age 32, and I’m more than just your average Brony.

I managed to find a portal to Equestria, and now I can travel back and forth between Equestria and Earth whenever I want.

I didn’t build the portal, of course. That was done by some chump named ‘Jakass Citadel’ or something. He opened a travel agency that let people go to Equestria. I was one of its first customers.

My travels in Equestria were relatively unremarkable. They were full of all the clichés that you’d expect whenever humans came to Equestria for the first time. Instead, the most interesting part was at the end.

You see, every time people go somewhere else, they always have a need to buy souvenirs to take back home with them. And everywhere tourists go, there are always greedy locals loaded with cheap crap to sell. This kind of exchange is a win-win for both parties, and many places build their entire economies off of this. This would later become true for Equestria, but presently there was a huge problem: nobody could trade with each other.

Earth money was worthless in Equestria, and Equestrian money was worthless on Earth. Therefore, the bronies couldn't buy souvenirs and naturally they made a big fuss about it.

It was my brilliant idea to open a business where customers could convert their Earth money into Equestrian money and vice-versa. I called it ‘The Conversion Bureau.’ Everybody thought I was doing them a huge favor by making a place where they could exchange their money, but secretly I was capitalizing on their plight by making slight alterations to the exchange rates to guarantee that I would make a profit on every transaction. I also made the exchange rates fluctuate daily just to confuse people and to cover my tracks, just like human world currency exchanges do. Stupid Goyim.

Thanks to my genius, bronies could now blow their hard-earned shekels on autographs from their favorite ponies and Discord-shaped lamps. In other words, trade prospered, and as trade prospered, I became rich. Nowhere near as rich as the guy who created the portal in the first place, but still pretty frickin’ rich in my own right.

I bought a 2017 Lexus GS 450h with voice command, surround sound audio, electroluminescent instrumentation, a dynamic tachometer, HomeLink universal transceiver, and paddle shifters. I also bought a 7,000 square foot house on a 5-acre property on the outskirts of ‘the good part of town.’ Then I hired an interior designer and bought a bunch of patent leather furniture and put a fence up around my property. After spending all that money on random shit, I still had more money left over that I could blow on random shit.
However, I’m not exchanging money right now because I’m on an extended personal vacation at the moment, but I can still access the internet to take requests. As for why I’m on vacation when I could be making even more money by taking requests? Well….

“Honey? You forgot to flush the toilet again!”

I’m secretly married to Bonbon, and I wanted to finally leave my house on something besides business for once.
I’m not the proud father of four earth pony foals. I think that four foals would be too much, and I would prefer to settle with three. Actually, I’m not a proud father at all. I don’t even have any kids! No, it’s not because there’s an 18 chromosome difference between humans and ponies (Jackass Citadel proved that wrong), it’s because we never really tried for kids. But now that we’re married and filthy rich, we’ve decided that it’s high time to take our relationship to another level.

I met Bonbon through Ponywaifu.com, one of those mail order bride websites. When I went to Equestria to meet her in person, I fell head over heels for her at first sight. Unlike human women, who are total bitches (no offense to canines), pony waifus are sweet, caring, kind, and above all, sexy. All of the human women are stuck-up snobs who would rather throw themselves into dangerous relationships with drug-addicted douchebag swaggots than the loving embrace of nice guys like me. But pony mares are not like that. Instead, they prefer the company of nice guys and appreciate our vast intelligence and class. I know that she wasn’t just dating me for my money, because she said so.

As the weeks passed, we grew closer and closer. By the time we’d known each other for a month, I knew I had to do something. Something that would change our lives forever: I had to introduce her to my parents.

Introducing your girlfriend to your parents is a crucial part of preparing for marriage. Your parents are more likely to accept your girlfriend to them before you become engaged, and far more likely to accept her than if you elope and have kids without telling them at all.
We met Bonbon’s parents first, who were really kind and accepting. My parents were a different story altogether.

Upon revealing to my parents that I was dating a sentient horse, my parents were weirded out at first. The first half of the evening passed in awkward silence, interrupted sporadically by hushed whispers between my parents or Bonbon and myself. About halfway through, my mother endeavored to start a conversation with Bonbon, who reciprocated. The two of them ended up getting along well by the end of the evening. Meanwhile, my dad remained silent, angry, and suspicious, with the words “Son, I am disappoint” on the tip of his tongue the entire night.

Near the end of the evening, Bonbon excused herself to go to the bathroom. I took this moment to announce to my parents that I intended to propose to her. My mom was perfectly fine with my decision, but my dad was not. He called me a zoophilic gay-ass pedophile wanker who sucked horse cocks and took a children’s cartoon way too seriously. He said that I was only allowed to marry a human woman from a rich family, preferably the daughter of one of his co-workers. I told him that he had no right to tell me who I could and couldn’t love.

Then I told my dad that if he didn’t like who I married then he didn’t have to come to my wedding and demanded that he apologize for calling me a zoophilic gay-ass pedophile wanker horse cock sucker children’s cartoon obsessor. He refused, so I sent him up to his room without supper. He didn’t bother anybody for the rest of the night.

Then it was finally time for me to propose to her. I bought a ring and took her to Neskowin, then popped the question on a walk on the beach after a romantic candlelight dinner. She was completely caught off-guard by my proposal, even though she was there when I had bought the ring and we were staying in a hotel called ‘Proposal Rock Inn.’

Of course she said yes, otherwise this story wouldn’t have gone anywhere. I told Bonbon about how my particular religion does weddings (wearing bed sheets and Masonic aprons and the like), and at first my request was denied but after some carefully placed bribes everything went along according to plan. Most of the people we invited came, including Bonbon’s family even though they had to cross dimensions. My family came too, even my dad, but he kept insisting that Bonbon was evil and that I should dump her. But other than that, the wedding was flawless. There were a few unexpected guests like Queen Chrysalis and zombie Groucho Marx, but they didn’t cause any trouble. Actually, they helped us a lot by helping me bound and gag my dad, then lock him in the basement just before the wedding.

In regards to names, Bonbon insisted that we hyphenate our last names because feminism. I eventually conceded to that. Our new family name was to be a combination of both our legal names, Sweetie Drops and Jayson DeBass. From that point forward, we were to be known as ‘Sweetie Drops-DeBass’ and Jayson Drops-Debass,’ respectively.

For our honeymoon, we went to Equestrian Fiji, which is just like regular Fiji, but with ponies. We had lots of sex there, but Bonbon never got pregnant because we remembered to use condoms, just like we had been taught in school. My dad insisted that condoms were an abomination because birth control was immoral and that life begins at conception and a bunch of other pro-life crap, but I pointed out that millions of sperm cells die every time you have sex, regardless of whether you use contraceptives or not. This deflated his logic like a needle in a balloon, and he never bothered us on the issue of birth control ever again.

And as I’ve said before, we haven’t had any kids yet. Well, tonight I’m really excited because I might just finally ‘do it’ with Bonbon if our date goes well. Anyway, enough reminiscing, Bonbon’s calling for me!

Author's Note

A/N: What? If I’m giving myself the perfect wife, then I might as well give myself the perfect house and the perfect car, and humiliate all of the people I don’t like in the process.
Don’t you dare call my OC a Mary Sue just yet! Read the rest of my frickin’ story instead of jumping to conclusions!

Special thanks to Goat Train for the art.

Chapter Bon Bon

Chapter Bon Bon:

We got in my car and fastened our seatbelts. Then we drove out of the garage and down the driveway, taking care to press the button that closed the garage door behind us. When we reached the gate at the end of the driveway, I pressed another button to open the gate, and pressed it again to close it once we were through.

The drive from our house to the downtown area is quite a long one. It consists of several miles of driving through a portion of suburbia which is hardly interesting to anyone who is as well accustomed to the route as I am.

Turning left from our driveway, we drove approximately 1000 feet until we reached 38th Avenue. We turned left onto 38th Avenue and drove an even shorter distance towards until 38th intersected with a really long road.

After looking both ways to make sure there weren’t any cars coming, I turned left onto the really long road. Leaving the residential area permitted me to increase my speed, which I did to expedite the travels of myself and my wife and other motorists who may have found themselves behind us during the course of our journey.

The size of the road grew as we continued our journey. A left hand turn lane formed in the median, which had once been nothing more than a solid double yellow line. The shoulders of the road were also becoming larger, with the addition of bicycle lanes and sidewalks. We were now entering the town proper, a maze of single family dwellings and unassuming residential streets buried beneath a patchy scrub of trees. Housing developments came into view around us, greedily devouring the farmscapes which had previously surrounded us. We also passed the new high school, where we planned to send our kids in about sixteen years.

The road curved its gaze southward, direct and sharply at first but then slowly corrected itself partway. As the houses became smaller and more compact, we knew that the road was reaching its terminus, one in which it would connect to the great road which would lead us to the bridge.

At last, the really long road reached its end, its traffic parting into two turn lanes, both going opposite directions and emptying into a vast four lane boulevard.

Turning right onto this great road took us immediately out of the tree-lined and quiet forest of Suburbia. Now we witnessed the dazzle and grime of the city, as displayed by the half mile commercial district. Reaching the great road’s end, the two eastbound lanes of the great road turned to the left at a slight incline, passing under three lanes of highway overpass in the process.

We continued forward as the road turned into an on ramp for the highway. We were quickly met with a large and gradual rightward curve in the road, which passed over the southern tip of the Marine Park.

Then began the bridge over the river. It was a big river, but the drive over it only takes about thirty seconds. The waters of the river under the bridge were very calm, symbolizing the lack of tensions in our very peaceful relationship. The river was also quite deep, as I am told, which symbolizes the sheer depth and lack of shallowness which our love was founded upon.

At last we reached the other side of the river. The elevated highway began its descent to ground level, reaching its first intersection in less than 1000 feet. At this point the roadway did something weird, where the highway split off onto two tiny onramps while the remainder of the road continued on through the downtown area as a regular road. We continued on this regular road, which was welcomed into the downtown grid by a large intersection with another major street. I made sure to stay in the second leftmost lane at this intersection, because I knew I would have to make a turn at the next intersection.

At the next intersection, I made a left hand turn onto yet another major city street. This time I remained in the rightmost lane. We stopped at an intersection because there was a red light, but when the red light turned green we started again. We didn’t have to go far because our destination was approaching on the right.

Making another right-hand turn off the street and into the parkade. We found a good parking spot, then left the parkade through the skybridge on the southern end. This brought us into a department store in the mall, which we had to walk through to get to another skybridge. We turned left, went over to the skybridge, crossed the skybridge, and found ourselves in another department store. For some reason completely unrelated to me, this just happened to be Bonbon’s favorite department store, and she wanted to look around. I gently reminded her that we were on a schedule and that we had somewhere we had to be in fifteen minutes. Slightly disappointed by this, but grateful for my promise that we could look around in the store as long as we wanted later in the evening, she followed me downstairs and out of the store. Then we crossed the same street that the first skybridge had crossed, arriving at our destination. It had occurred to me earlier that the theater was directly across the street from the parkade and that we could have made the same trip in less time if we had simply crossed the street without unnecessarily going through the two skybridges into the mall and then crossing the cross-street, but fuck efficiency because skybridges are cool.

I looked in my wallet and found that I did not have sufficient cash to pay for everything I wanted to do. Sure I had a credit card, but I never used it because Bonbon and I didn’t want the police to be able to know anything in the rare event that we happened to go Bonbon and Clyde.

Bonbon asked me if I knew where I could find an ATM. I told her that yes, I knew exactly where I could find an ATM, and she told me that she would save our spots in line while I went over to the ATM and got some more money.

I crossed the same street we had just crossed, except backwards. Yes, I even walked backwards, too. But instead of walking backwards into the department store, I kept back-walking straight because I wasn’t going back to my car. I backwards-walked down the rest of the block and backwards-walked across another street, too. Then I backwards-walked my way over to my bank and backwards-walked up to the ATM on the outside.

Sticking my hands behind my back, I made the entire transaction without looking ever at the screen. When I was done, I saw the security guard outside the bank looking at me like I was crazy. I gave him the finger (behind my back, of course) and he flinched, then ran away because of my pure awesomeness. Then I took a fedora out of my pocket, put it on my head, tipped it, and said, “Who’s bad?”

I moonwalked all the way back to Bonbon while Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’ played in the background. Bonbon was delighted by how awesome I was, but I told her that now was not the time to bask in my awesomeness because we still needed tickets.

I had originally thought that we should go out for ‘a dinner and a movie,’ but then I decided that ‘a movie and a dinner’ would be better since we would be hungrier if we had dinner last, so long as we didn’t eat anything during the movie. Then I changed it to ‘a movie and a dinner then a walk in the park’ because walks in the park at sunset make it more romantic. Then Bonbon changed to ‘a movie and a dinner then a walk in the park followed by sex’ because she was feeling horny that night. I agreed to this, because I was feeling horny that night too, but I wanted to save the sex for the end because that’s how dates work.

We got our tickets and got some drinks, then went to the theater. We sat down in our seats exactly ten minutes before the movie began, not having worried about getting there on time because In my world everything works perfectly I’m really good at planning things.
We bided our time romantically before the movie started. All of the previews were either for movies that we had already seen or movies we had no intention of ever seeing, so we spent the time cuddling. Sometimes the music from the previews was appropriate for our cuddling, but sometimes it just made us feel really awkward.

And then we finally stopped cuddling because the movie started.

Author's Note

Because the drive to the movie theater is the most important part of the date.

Image from some guy on Derpibooru.

Chapter Bon Bon Bon

Chapter: Bon Bon Bon

To tell the truth, the movie was crap. Everything about it was bad. Between the monotonous and melodramatic acting, the overused special effects, the gaping plot holes that made Queen Chrysalis’ legs look like solid structures, and the sheer length of it all, Bonbon and I resorted to MSTing the thing until it was over.

Emerging from the darkness of the theater, we were both hungry. We had reservations at a place, but first we had to get there. We returned to the parkade, got back in the car, then drove four blocks down. Here, we made a right turn and headed toward the river, then drove three blocks east. We arrived at the riverfront park where we snagged the last available parking spot. This wasn’t where the restaurant was, but I parked there because I didn’t have to pay for it.

We got out of the car, locked it, then went over to the crosswalk because we had to cross the street. This was a really big street that had a landscaped island in the middle, but other than that there was nothing remarkable about it. Then we walked along the block, turned left at the end of it, and walked northward.

While we walked down the street, we passed by every human woman who had ever rejected me. They were scattered across the street, working menial low-wage jobs as waitresses and street sweepers and what-not. They ogled me as I passed by them, interested in me now because I was rich and successful. But I had no use for any of those human girls. I gave each and every one of them the finger, their reward for never caring about me before. They also scowled at Bonbon, furious that a man such as myself preferred a cartoon character over them. Bonbon smiled smugly, emboldened by the suffering of the whorish and unclassy human bitches who so envied her. Nobody else cared that there was a fedora-wearing brony walking down the street with his pony waifu because half the town looked (and acted) like the People of Walmart.

At the northeastern corner of the block, we turned right and crossed the street we had previously been walking parallel to. Then we walked two thirds of the way to the end of this block and into the building known as the Opera House.

They only call it the Opera House because it used to be an actual opera house. Now it’s just filled with boutiques and restaurants and stuff. We went upstairs to where the restaurant was, and we were seated in a quiet and secluded portion of the restaurant next to the railing.

We poured over the menu, reading the descriptions of every single menu item. Then we laughed because there’s only one thing that anyone goes to that place for, and that’s the tacos. We ordered lots of tacos, 17 of each, because we were that hungry. Since there were 9 types of tacos they had, there were 153 total.

The weird thing about that particular restaurant was that its seating area looked down into the boutiques below, with nothing except an old wooden railing and thin air separating the restaurant patrons and the stores. They didn’t even have any ceilings or anything! One of these boutiques was a soap store that sold only soap. Bonbon and I started and held an entire conversation about soap. We discussed the varieties of soap, the process of making the soap, and all of its different uses. This lasted for twenty minutes.

There was also another boutique that was full of swaggots because it mostly sold snapbacks. Bonbon and I heckled the snapbacks while acting like classy rich people. It was fun. Then we realized that it had been almost an hour since we had ordered our food.

I got mad at the staff because they didn’t bring us our food. The restaurant is known for having somewhat slow service, but there was no excuse for taking more than half an hour to make 153 tacos. One hour is a really long time to wait. I didn’t want to bide my time, because it was time that I could never get back! So I got mad. I didn’t want to wait. What was I supposed to do while I waited? I demanded to see the manager. I decided I would make him rue the day he thought he could make Jayson Drops-DeBass wait a really long time. I asked the manager, “Do you know who I am?” and threatened to get my engineers to burn his house down with combustible lemons.

The manager pointed out that I ran a small financial services company and therefore I didn’t have engineers, nor did I need them. He also remarked that burning people’s houses down with combustible lemons is not only impossible, but also illegal. Then our food finally came and I shut up.

Our tacos were good. They were small things, little cuts of meat and spices laid atop a tortilla slightly wider than a post-it note. I didn’t like how they weren’t already rolled up like regular tacos, because that meant that I had to roll them up myself. Then, after I had about five tacos or so, I realized that I was thinking about taquitos, not tacos. But did it really matter? ‘Taquitos’ means ‘little tacos,’ which means that there should be nothing fundamentally different between taquitos and regular tacos except size. I considered complaining to the manager again, but I thought better of it; I had already put him through enough for the night. Besides, what could the manager have done? The tacos-taquitos confusion was an international cultural thing, not something that could be corrected by one restaurant. Maybe if I opened my own restaurant, I could change that. But the restaurant would have to become the most successful Mexican restaurant in the world for that to work, so successful that I would have to out-do Taco Bell ten thousand times over. And to do that, I would need to open restaurants in every town in the western hemisphere, and hire the best chefs in the universe to invent menu items that could out-do Taco Bell and the cooking of every Mexican mother and grandmother who ever lived. Then I would have to file patents on all of my new menu items, hire lawyers to sue everyone who broke those patents, then make sure to renew all of those patents before they expired. Doing a quick calculation of everything that would be necessary, I would need a sum of money equal to the GDP of Mexico. And to get the GDP of Mexico, I would need to sell Mexico. But first, I would need to find a buyer rich enough to afford and willing to buy Mexico. Obviously I couldn’t sell to the United States because we have too many Mexicans here already. But then it occurred to me that I would first have to acquire all of Mexico in order to sell it, but since it would take the GDP of Mexico in order to buy it….

I decided that the endeavor was pointless. And I was too lazy. But it was nice to know that I could always buy Mexico if I ever attained that amount of money. I’m sure it would make a good nest egg. Then I wondered if, by buying Mexico, I would also own all the Mexicans. And would I also own their culture, too? That would mean that I would own the rights to the ‘Quinceañera,’ and that every time somebody wanted to have one, they would have to pay me a royalty or go to jail. Then I could sue Equestrians for their ‘Cuteceañera’ for copyright infringement. I bet I would win big time.

Speaking of Mexican culture, Bonbon was greedily eating her tacos. I decided that I should greedily eat my tacos too, because I didn’t want her to eat the last one. It wasn’t strange at all that a horse was eating tacos filled with steak, chicken, pork, marinated pork, spiced sausage, tongue, cheek, intestine, or fish. She had eaten them all before. Contrary to popular belief, the ponies of Equestria are huge meat eaters who devour whatever flesh they can get their hooves on. Pork, chicken, calamari, you name it and they’ll have it. You know the reason why they keep those pigs on Sweet Apple Acres? It’s for meat, of course. And why there are hardly any cows in Ponyville? Because similar to my state, they had ponies who went around in white robes with ropes, big wooden poles, and torches who killed cows. Except they didn’t lynch them. Instead they tied them up and barbequed them. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do with cows. I had actually written this into Jackass’s portal book while he wasn’t looking, and I put in a place where I doubt he’ll find it. You should have seen the look on his face the first time he came back, only to discover that the hay in the hayburgers had been replaced with actual meat and nopony gave a single fuck! Priceless.

At long last, Bonbon and I had finished most of our tacos. Each of us had eaten exactly 76 tacos and now there was only one left. At first we were prepared to fight over it, but then we saw Drake enter the Snapback store and Bonbon threw the taco at him. It landed in his face and we brohoofed, proving once again that ponies and bronies will always triumph over swaggots. Drake was pissed, and wanted to beat us up but he couldn’t do anything because we were on the second floor.

Then the waiter came with the bill. It was like $153 or something, but since I was rich I paid it all in cash. I gave them $300 and told them to keep the change, then Bonbon and I got up and left. But not before taking some breath mints from the bowl at the front of the store.

Author's Note

Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga

Chapter Bon Bon Bon Bon

Chapter: Bon Bon Bon Bon

After dinner we went back to our car but we didn’t get in it. Instead we went for a stroll through the park in the setting sun because it’s romantic.

The park was a long thin strip of land along the riverbank. Our car was parked on the east side closest to the restaurant. There was a paved walkway that went through the park up to the river. Actually, there were multiple walkways that did that, so we just took the first one.

We went along this walkway for a little bit, but then we stopped and looked at the playground. It was a really big playground floored in soft fibery bark shavings packed tightly by millions of tiny steps. There were two play structures, one medium-sized one and one large one that kind of seemed more like two play structures built into one. There were always kids who played here, every day and every time of the day, even when they were supposed to be in school.

There were also benches on the walkways bordering the playground where parents would sit. These benches were always occupied by parents watching their kids playing. I can hardly remember these benches ever being empty because there always seemed to be parents sitting in them. It was only once or twice when I saw a non-parent sitting on the benches, but a bear looking intently through a pair of binoculars in the direction of the playground. He must have been birdwatching.

I observed the kids playing on the playground. I used to play on that playground sometimes and sometimes I still felt like playing there. I could play on the playground whenever I wanted now that I was an adult, but then people would stare at me. But then again, I had been escorting a pony through the downtown area and nobody gave a shit. Would anybody care if mine and Bonbon’s kids played here? But that would only be if somebody took them. I could take them. I love coming here, and I would be glad to take them to the park whenever it was necessary. I wanted my kids to have the privilege of coming to this park. My dad never took me to the park. The only reason why dads don’t take their children to the park is because they don’t love their kids. But I promised to love my kids. Very much.

I shed a single tear while thinking about my father’s neglect of my physical and emotional needs. Then I shed another tear because only shedding one tear is gay. Then I shed another tear because I couldn’t remember how many tears I had shed. Then I shed many more tears just to make sure.

“Are you crying?” asked Bonbon.

“Yes,” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because my father never loved me,” I said.

“I know that feel,” she said.

“Wow, your father never loved you either?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s really sad.”

“Wow, we have so much in common!” I exclaimed.

“We sure do!” she said.

We left the playground and arrived at a junction in the paths. We took a path leading south until we reached the southern tip of the park. At this point, there is a large globe surrounded by a high iron gate. It’s supposed to be some sort of new age United Nations internationalist world peace art or something. Bonbon and I wondered about the fence and why it was there. I suggested that it might be a deterrent against graffiti, but Bonbon shot down the silly idea. We eventually agreed that it’s symbolic of the New World Order’s desire to entrap and enslave the earth, and to keep it away from the ‘unenlightened.’

Then we looped around the globe and began walking northward on a path which overlooked the riverbank. We eventually reached an amphitheater. The amphitheater was one of those amphitheaters that’s dug into the earth and where levels are created by shallow stone retaining walls. There was a brick stage jutting off of the path we were on which looked out onto the grassy seating area. These things are usually used for hippie rock concerts, but nobody was using the amphitheater that night. Bonbon walked out onto the stage and recited the Horatio speech from Hamlet using a real human skull. I sat in the audience and clapped when she was done, then asked her where she got the skull. She said that she took it from Lyra, who only seemed to be interested in the hands and feet.

We continued northward along the path while Bonbon told me all about her and Lyra’s stint as serial killers. They only targeted humans, even though all of this took place before Jakass built the portal. Then she stopped when one night they were lounging in a second-rate motel room after finishing one of their jobs. Bonbon had found a bible in the nightstand between the two beds and began reading it. It was then when she decided to give up her crime because she had found Jesus. Then she joined a hardcore church and became a hardcore Christian. But she wasn’t a homophobic Christian, because homophobia is for fags.

We reached the north end of the park, so we turned around and went back to the parking lot. Just before we went back to our car, we went over to the Carousel and looked at it for a bit. I asked Bonbon what she thought about the carousel and she said that she used to shop at Rarity’s all the time, but then she lost all respect for her after she had read ‘All-American Girl.’ I told her that I had never read ‘All-American Girl,’ but that I was surprised at how favorable its ratings are despite its notoriety. Daisy Jo Martinez, who for some strange reason was also in the park even though my town is nowhere near Winchester, Virginia, told me that I spend way too much time on Derpibooru. To this I agreed.

Then my pony waifu and I got back into our car. Bonbon really needed to sit down because I had just made her walk the greater part in a mile and she was wearing high heels. Still, she insisted on continuing with me without taking any rests because she’s that committed.
We drove back in the direction of the parkade, except we turned right one block early. We continued for two blocks, then at the end of the block we turned left into a small and cramped parking structure attached to a department store. We parked the car and then went into the department store proper. This was the same department store that I had said was Bonbon’s favorite earlier, and we spent a really long time going around and buying stuff for Bonbon. For some reason the store had a wide variety of pony outfits that were exactly her size, even though hardly any ponies lived in the town. We also got a really good deal on the merchandise because the cashier’s favorite color was moderate cobalt blue.

We put the crap in the car and then got into the car. We started the car and then left the parking garage at the same place where we came in. We drove east two blocks and then turned right, drove south for two blocks, then I kept going straight even though the street ended at the intersection. I drove my car onto a lawn, then made a hard right turn and kept going straight for about fifty feet. Then I drove into a fountain and parked my car in a fountain because I’m awesome like that.

We stepped out of the car and into the fountain without getting wet. Then we locked the car and got out of the fountain and walked over to the entrance of a great big marble government building. We entered the great big marble government building and went up the stairs to the second floor. We found an office which was mostly empty except for a very official looking desk and some really old chairs and cupboards and things against the walls.

Then Bonbon closed the door and said, “We’re alone for the time being, and you know what?”

“What?” I ask, raising an eyebrow curiously.

She gets on her hind legs and places her hooves on my shoulders so she can whisper three words in my ear: “I’m in heat.”

Author's Note

Finally, the sex you've all been waiting for! Just one click away!

Boy, I'm putting poor Bon Bon through a lot, aren't I?

And Then Sex Really Happened

Chapter: And Then The Sex Really Happened

Dumbledore was standing in the doorway, which he had opened while we were too busy having sex. Actually it wasn’t Dumbledore at all, it was actually President Coriolanus Snow, a.k.a. that guy in The Hunger Games with the beard and the white roses. I might try to twist this into some sort of thinly veiled jab at the regional politics in my area, but I will choose not to.

I took my face out of Bonbon’s crotch and spat the vaginal fluids still lingering on my tongue all over Bonbon’s face.

“Get out, we’re trying to have sex here!” I said.

“But why are you doing it in my office?” he asked.

“This isn’t your real office!” I roared. “Everypony knows this is just a place where you do photo ops whenever you need to butter up your constituents or update your office’s Facebook profile!”

“OMG You’re right!” said President Snow in amazement at my vast intellect. “And you’re doing bestiality in here too! Splendid, splendid! I commend you, my friend, on your contribution to the moral decay of society. By the time I leave office, this place will be a total hellhole!”

“Fuck off, she’s my wife!” I protested. “Besides, she consented!”

“Nontraditional marriages!” exclaimed President Snow. “I am glad to meet someone else in this city who also believes my political party’s belief that marriage should be everything except between a man and a woman. You have my personal congratulations, random stranger! I shall stay out of your way!”

And with that he slammed the door.

I resumed right where I had left off, licking Bonbon’s G-spot until she came. I could clearly tell that she had come because she acted like it.

Then we began having sex with me, with my penis in her vagina. I would have gone into great detail about the process in which I fucked her, but I’m refraining from doing so because Family Values. All that you need to know is that at the very end I pulled out just before I came and spilled my jizz all over the fancy blue carpet in the shape of the MLP:FiM logo.

“OMG you fucktard!” cried Bonbon. “Why the fuck did you pull out? We were trying to get me pregnant, remember?”

“Sorry,” I said apologetically. “I forgot.”

Then I scooped up as much of the semen as I could from the floor and inserted it manually into Bonbon’s vagina. We could have just had some more sex instead, but I needed to conserve semen because my balls needed time to refill their supply. The jizz still stained the carpet though, but we didn’t care.

Then we put our clothes back on and left the government building, returned to the car, and drove back to my house. I might give you a detailed description of the route I took, but I’m a really private person who values my privacy a lot and knows that giving out your address to complete and total strangers is irresponsible behavior. Then we got into our pajamas and went to sleep, spending the rest of the night in complete and utter platonic bliss completely unaffected by a desire for any desire for sex whatsoever.

Author's Note

That's all, folks!

...Except for the epilogue. Which I might never get to writing.

And Then Sex Happened

Chapter: And Then Sex Happened

I scoop her up and then gently set her down on the very official looking desk. She took off her clothes, leaving only those which I had particular fetishes for, which was practically her whole outfit.

Because women very rarely get off during actual sex, I decided to do her first before I could get mine.
I started eating her pussy out. It was amazing! Like all pony vaginas, it tasted like candy, unlike those stupid human vaginas which only taste like fish.

Getting her off was really easy. We had had sex many times before and she had shown me where her G-spot was, so all I had to do was to just stimulate that over and over and over again while rubbing her thighs and waist and boobies.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” she screamed. She was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and our pale bodies became all warm. And then…

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!”

It was… Dumbledore!

Author's Note

Le gasp!

Thanks to Thehungoverpony for the art.

Epilogue

Chapter: Epilogue

Bon Bon took a pregnancy test the next morning and it was positive. Then she got pregnant for eleven months (because that's how long horses get pregnant for) and we had our first child. It was a boy. We named him 'Jayson Drops-DeBass Jr.'

Then I let Bon Bon rest for a few months before I got her pregnant again. We had a second child, who we named 'Octavia Drops-DeBass.' Then we had a third child and named her 'Vinyl Scratch Drops-DeBass.' Then we had a fourth child and named him 'The Living Tombstone Drops-DeBass'

Our kids had good childhoods. I was rich, so I bought them everything they ever wanted, yet somehow they never got spoiled. They were also all half-human half-pony satyr hybrids, but they never got bullied for that. Well, they got bullied a few times, but every time that happened I showed up at their school and beat the crap out of the bullies. I'm an awesome father, standing up for my kids like that.

My eldest took over my currency exchange business, which had since expanded into other people's Myst-portal fictional worlds. The rest of them became famous musicians.

So, um..... yeah. That's it. That's the story of how I had sex with a horse.

Author's Note

That's the story of how I met and made demon offspring with my horse wife.

You thought there was going to be more sex, didn't you? What are you, a zoophilic gay-ass pedophile wanker who suckes horse cocks and takes a children’s cartoon way too seriously?

Thanks to xniclord789x for the image.