Getting You (Yes, You!) Laid
It was a beautiful blue-skyed day in Ponyville. The sky was really, really blue. Not “robin’s egg” blue or even “sky blue”, but like the kind of blue that made purple look red by comparison. You know, that kind of blue.
The sun was shining brightly and warmly on you as you made your way to Rainbow Dash’s house, strutting down the path like the masculine hunk of a man you were.
I mean, obviously you were a male. No human who made it to Equestria was ever a chick. You knew that from all the ~~clop~~ research you had read prior to arriving in Equestria. And now you were putting what you had learned to good use, preparing to seal the deal with Rainbow Dash tonight.
It had taken weeks of meticulous study on each of the Mane Six (they were always confused when you used that term and would often ask what manes had to do with anything), but you had determined that Rainbow Dash possessed the right balance of assets to fit your sexual prowess. You knew that Twilight always posed the risk of casting an errant and disastrous spell on you, plus the whole nerd thing was a huge turn-off for you. Fluttershy was just too damn shy, Rarity was too stuck-up, Pinkie Pie was frankly kinda weird, and Applejack… well, for such a simple mare, Applejack had a knack for making things complicated. Every time you presented the offer, she would go off about taking care of her family and how money was tight and how she liked the idea of a relationship but needed to be sure it was with someone who could commit, allow her time enough to make ends meet for her family, maybe even help her out around the farm and yadda yadda yadda.
I mean, come on, commitment? You didn’t have time for that shit.
And that’s where Rainbow Dash came in. Her free spirited ways were ideal for your needs, and her boyish personality meant that she wouldn’t be worried about trivial matters like “stable monogamous relationship” or “personal hygiene.” She also had a totally smokin’ hot bod.
Plus, you knew that she was a dyke, so winning her heart represented a lasting testament to your unbelieveable sexual prowess.
You followed Rainbow Dash to her bedroom, your eyes following the gentle sway of her toned plot. You still weren’t entirely sure what “toned” meant, but years of research had taught you that this was the proper term when referring to Rainbow Dash’s ass.
She turned a corner, briefly vanishing from your sight as you felt your stiffening length press against the seam of your pants. In fact, you were starting to wish you had worn underwear. It had seemed like a good idea to minimize the amount of clothing you’d have to strip off, but these tight jeans weren’t doing any favors for your taint. Maybe if you just undid your zipper a bit—
“Aah!” you squeaked, clutching your crotch after pinching the tip of your dick on the zipper. You forced a hand down your pants to protect your junk, then proceeded more carefully.
“Hey,” Rainbow Dash cooed from the other room. “I’m waiting! Come on in and let me get a good look at what you’ve got, big guy.”
Your pain was quickly forgotten. Immediately you set to yanking your clothes off and tossing them down the hallway. Now stark naked, you quickly sucked in your gut before sauntering over to the doorway, finally entering Rainbow Dash’s bedroom.
Your eyes settled on the pegasus, now spread across her bed facing away from you. She flicked her tail, drawing your attention to her inviting rear. Dash looked over her shoulder, her half-lidded gaze trailing down your figure. You stood there, grinning smugly as you leaned against the doorframe, allowing her to admire the view.
After a moment, Rainbow Dash blinked, her half-lidded gaze fading into a blank look. “So, uh… where is it?”
“Where’s what?”
“Where’s your dick?”
Caught off guard, you almost let your gut out, but catch yourself in time. “It’s—it’s right here!” You grab your semi-erect shaft to show her.
“Uh… oh.” She squints at your crotch. “It’s so pale… and small. For a creature as tall as you, I was expecting something larger.”
“It’s… it just needs to get erect is all!” You quickly began stroking your dick, but you knew all too well that it wouldn’t do any good. You weren’t hard yet, but your cock had already extended to its full length.
Dash seemed uneasy for a moment, then shrugged. “Well, I guess it’s not size that matters; it’s your stamina.” She flipped onto her back, gesturing towards her lower half. “Show me what you got, little guy.”
You didn’t have to be told twice. You leapt onto her bed, grasping your hands around Dash’s midriff as you loomed over her for a moment. In your haste, you forgot to hold your gut in, which now sagged forward onto Dash’s lap. Not that you noticed.
As you ran your hands along her soft coat, you immediately felt your member harden. You leaned over and mashed your lips against hers, shoving your tongue into her mouth and feeling it batter against hers for a brief moment before you felt her hooves push against your chest. Your lips separated with a loud squelch and you were pushed into a sitting position atop her as she coughed forcefully.
“Eugh...” Dash’s tongue was hanging out, and she seemed on the verge of gagging. “What in the world did you eat?!”
“Kimchi. It’s like fermented cabbages with garlic and radishes and lots of spices,” you answered, undoubtedly impressing her with your worldly knowledge of cuisine. “Why?”
“Your breath is… ugh, never mind.” She swallowed, then looked back up at you. “Just… no more kissing.”
You were amazed. All the research you read showed that mares needed lots of foreplay before they were ready for the “hard stuff.” The fact that Dash was asking you not to kiss her must mean that she was ready to take your dick!
And you were ready for it, your stiff cock standing ready near her warm snatch. Immediately you grasped her by the waist and slowly inserted yourself into her. To your surprise, your member slid in with ease, despite your lack of lubrication.
Now that you thought about it, didn’t all your research explain that it should feel moist inside her?
“Oh, Dash…” you groaned, wrapping your arms around her as you thrust yourself into her. “Oh god, this feels so good…”
“Wait, are you—oof—inside?” Dash asked. “I don’t—ergh—feel anything but—oof—your body slamming me here.”
“Oh, oh, oh, Dash!” you cried, thrusting wildly into her now. “You’re so tight!" It actually wasn’t tight at all, but you knew from your research that that was what you were supposed to say at this point. “Oh, your pussy is so tight!”
“I don’t—oof—have a cat,” Dash answered. “Are you sure you’re—aagh—in? I don’t feel it.”
“Aaaah, aaaaaahhh!” You were going spastic now. “Dash, I’m cuming!”
“Wait, already? But you just start—”
“Ooooooohhhhhhgggggssssshhhhh…” you cry-groaned, letting out a single feeble squirt of cum. You tried to milk another one out of you, but soon realized you were spent. Still, you figured it would be sufficient.
You collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily as she remained motionless beneath your heavy body. You inhaled deeply, letting her musky aroma wash over you before you realized that she hadn’t even broken a sweat, thus having no musky aroma to offer. So you resorted to sniffing your armpit.
Dash lay on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “Well, that’s it. I tried to keep an open mind, but... now I know for sure.” She nodded solemnly. “I’m asexual.”
Dyke. Totally called it, you thought smugly.
An hour later, you were sitting on the edge of her bed, weeping bitterly. Unlike most men, you weren’t afraid to cry in front of others. It was what made you such a caring and sensitive soul, and you did not at all look pathetic right now, with your tiny tears falling onto your limp dick. Behind you, Dash was sitting on the other side of the bed, looking at you quizzically. Between you and her was a tiny damp splotch on the bedsheet, the entirety of the cum you had managed to produce today.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Dash muttered. Earlier, when you had finally lifted yourself off her, you both found out why Dash hadn’t felt anything inside her: you had been thrusting your shaft into her butt crack.
“You… sniff… you don’t understand,” you murmured. “It was supposed to be my first time! I wanted this to be perfect!”
“Okay, so it didn’t go well. You’ve still got your real first time ahead of you, right?”
“Sniff…” you wiped the tears from your face before turning around to face her. “So… do you want to try again?”
“Oh, hell no.”
You burst into tears once more.
“Okay, geez, look, just…” Dash patted you on the shoulder. “How about I help you get laid with someone else?”
“Rarity!” you shouted, your sobbing forgotten as you grabbed Dash by her shoulders. “I want to get laid with Rarity!” Your studies of the Mane Six had found her to be the second best option of the six, just behind Rainbow Dash.
“Uh…” Dash glanced down at your crotch. “I don’t think you’d be the right fit for her, if you catch my drift.”
“Sure I will! Hell, half the stuff I read showed her practically begging for a guy! She’s not going to turn me down!”
“Erm… darling, while I appreciate the gesture, I’m afraid you wouldn’t be the right fit for me.”
Rarity had only been mildly alarmed when you showed up buck nude at her doorstep, having traveled there straight from Rainbow Dash’s house without bothering to put on some clothes. Given how commonplace nudity was in Equestria, nopony called the police on you. But the sight of a naked human was still a rare one in Ponyville. You were now semi-erect from seeing all the hot mares on the way who had undoubtedly been checking you out, and certainly not gazing upon you with mild disgust.
“Why does everyone keep saying we’re not the right fit?” you groaned. “We’d be perfect together! You’re classy, I’m classy, you’re sexy, I’m sex—”
“I think you misunderstand,” Rarity said, gazing at your crotch. “I meant that quite literally. Your… erm, phallus is a fraction of the size of a normal stallion’s. I fear you may have trouble pleasing a mare.”
You idly stroked your dick, your heart sinking. “It’s just not erect yet…” you murmur.
“However, I believe there is hope for you yet,” she continued. “Have you considered expanding your options?”
“What, you mean like, dudes?” You briefly consider the possibility. “Sure, I could see Braeburn being into me.”
Rarity blinked. “Braeburn? From Appleloosa? Darling, Braeburn isn’t homosexual.”
“Sure he is!” you chided. “Everyone knows that!”
“I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard, but I assure you that Braeburn was happily living with a girlfriend when I last saw him. And anyway, that’s not what I meant. I mean have you considered smaller creatures? Someone to fit your, erm, proportions?”
“You mean like… smaller ponies?”
Rarity opened her mouth before pausing and considered your question. “Well, I suppose… who exactly did you have in mind?”
“Hmmm…” You stroked your chin with your free non-dick-stroking hand, pondering this conundrum. After a moment of careful thought, inspiration struck.
“I’ve got it!” you exclaimed. “What about Sweetie Belle?”
A week later, the sun was shining brightly and warmly on you as you strolled into town. Sure, getting posted in the public list of sexual predators had presented some minor problems, like forcing you to relocate to a home at least a mile from the nearest elementary school, which left only one option in the vicinity of Ponyville: a dilapidated shack on the edge of the Everfree Forest.
Still, it wasn’t so bad. At least now you had a lot more privacy, and the roof only leaked a little when it rained. Ever the optimist, you always knew how to find the silver lining to every situation.
“Fuck my life,” you muttered.
“Hey there!” Pinkie said, suddenly bouncing alongside you. “Aw, what’s got you down?”
“My life sucks and I just wanna get laid.”
“Aw, don’t be like that! After all, there’s plenty of fish in the sea!” Pinkie paused, tapping her chin with her hoof. “I don’t know what fish have to do with dating, but apparently it’s what I’m supposed to say when someone’s been dumped. I’m not supposed to give you fish, am I?”
“I don’t want fish, I want to have sex!” you whined. “All I want is to fuck a beautiful mare! Is that too much to ask?” Several passing ponies looked scandalized and hurriedly moved away from you, although Pinkie took it in stride.
“Hmm…” Pinkie mused, looking around before pointing at someone down the street. “Hey, what about Derpy? She mentioned that she was looking for a boyfriend.”
You turned to see Derpy trotting down the street, a cheerful expression on her face. You promptly turned to Pinkie. “I need a muffin.”
“Righto!” She lifted a hoof to reveal a muffin sitting atop it. You grabbed it and ran towards the gray pegasus.
“Hey, Derpy!” you called out, causing her to pause in her tracks, looking in your general direction but with her eyes pointed in different directions. “I’ve got something for you!” You presented the muffin to her.
“Oh, thank you,” she replied, taking the muffin. “That’s sweet of you.”
“I know muffins are your favorite,” you offered, no doubt winning your way into her heart with your thoughtful consideration of her.
“Huh? Who told you that?” Derpy asked. “Honestly, I’m more partial to cupcakes, especially since that bad batch of muffins Pinkie made.”
You weren’t listening to her though, instead admiring the pleasant curves of her form. “I understand how it must feel, being an outcast in society. I just want you to know, you can always count on me to be there for you.”
Derpy’s eyes circled around, a small frown creasing her face. “...Um… thank you?”
You leaned in close, whispering, “Besides, I find your whole retard thing to be totally sexy.”
Derpy stared at you silently for a moment before she picked up her forehoof and rammed it into your face.
You were sitting beside the stream, pressing an ice pack over your eye as you wept. Pinkie sat beside you, awkwardly patting you on the shoulder.
“It’s just… sniff… it’s just so hard being the only human in Equestria,” you murmured.
“But… you’re not,” Pinkie said. “There’s a whole village of humans just outside Canterlot.”
“So alone… so alone…”
“They even got a cute name for it and everything! ‘My Little Earth.’”
“So, so lonely…”
“Dozens and dozens of humans,” Pinkie continued. “Lots of people who share your earthly experiences and who you can connect with.”
“Aaaaaaaaaall by myseeeeeeeeelf,” you wailed. “Aaaaaaaaaall by myseeeeeeeeelf...”
“I’m starting to think that you don’t want to be cheered up.”
You, black-eyed and misunderstood human that you were, limped back to your house. Why you were limping wasn’t clear, since your legs were perfectly fine, but you were indeed limping.
“Hey, little guy!” You looked up to see Rainbow Dash flying towards you, flapping to a halt just above your head. “I’ve got great— Whoa.” She froze when she got a good look at you. “What’s wrong with your face?”
“What do you want?” you moaned.
“Oh, right. Well, remember when I promised I’d get you laid? Well, I think I found someone for you!”
You stood bolt upright, your eyes widening. “Wait, really?!” You pumped your fist into the air. “Yes! Who with?”
“Come on and see!” She zoomed off towards the edge of town and you ran after her as fast as you could.
...Which may not have been such a great idea, given that a few minutes later you were bent over and wheezing from your exertion. Rainbow Dash hovered in mid-air, forelegs crossed as she glared at you while you caught your breath. After a while, you finally continued on your way, albeit more slowly this time.
Dash led you to a small cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest. As it came into view, a grin spread across your face. “Ah, Fluttershy, huh? Well, I certainly won’t say no to—”
“No, not Fluttershy,” Dash said. “We found someone even better.”
Perplexed, you followed Dash around to the back of Fluttershy’s cottage, where the yellow pegasus was tending to her animals. She looked up and smiled as she saw you approach.
“Oh good, you’re here! Rainbow told me about your troubles, and I think I’ve got just the girl for you!”
“Cool,” you say. “So who is it?”
“Her name’s Harmony!” Fluttershy exclaimed, picking up a white rabbit off the ground and holding her in front of you.
The image of a mare presenting herself before you imploded in your mind as you stared at the bunny in Fluttershy’s hooves. “...What?”
“She’s really sweet,” Fluttershy explained. “But she’s been looking for a mate, and Angel has his hands full.” She glanced over her shoulder, and you followed her gaze to see Angel with no less than four female rabbits hanging off of him.
Realization slowly began to dawn on you. “You… you want me to screw a rabbit?”
“Yeah, it’s perfect!” Rainbow Dash said. “You’ll get to be someone who fits your size, and the rabbit will be satisfied! Everyone’s happy!”
“Bunnies are big into free love,” Fluttershy said, “so you also don’t have to worry about making a long-term commitment. Rainbow told me that was important for you.”
“But… but it’s a rabbit!” you sputtered.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy shared a look before turning back to you. “...So?”
“So it’s a rabbit! I don’t want to fuck a rabbit!”
Fluttershy winced while Rainbow Dash looked bewildered. “What does being a rabbit have to do with it? I’m a pony and you didn’t have any problem with the idea of screwing me!”
“That’s different!”
Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs, giving you a level stare. “How? You’re a human, I’m a pony… what’s the big deal with getting it on with a rabbit?”
“It’s…” Your mind was drawing a blank. “It’s… it’s just different.”
“I mean…” Fluttershy murmured, “if you don’t want to do it, that’s fine. I just thought you would be more open-minded about this.”
“I’m not screwing a rabbit,” you said firmly. “No way, no how.”
You were laying on your bed, bare naked and breathing slowly from the incredible sex you had just had. You lifted a lit cigarette to your lips and taking a long, slow draft before glancing down at your crotch.
Harmony lay wrapped around your dick, her fluffy embrace enveloping your cock in its silky warmth. She was now gently licking the messy remnants of your fluids from your shaft, her long ears twitching adorably.
You exhaled slowly, watching the cloud of smoke dissipate over your head.
“Say, do you have any dyke friends?”
Author's Note
My thanks to RTStephens and Themaskedferret for proofreading this, as well as ferret for coming up with the last line.
Cover image is "Just Plotting Dash", used with permission from Culu-Bluebeaver.
(Completely accurate) Sethisto crack in the description courtesy of Ninestempest.
