Reservoir Dog

by chief maximus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4319

Discord's magic can be a tricky thing. No one, not even the draconequus himself knows quite how it works. Which is most unfortunate for one member of the Apple family.

One day out of the year, Macintosh Apple has to be extra careful. He can't sell apples in town, he can't run errands, he's loathe to even leave the farm. Is it spring? Are the mares of Ponyville marauding for the flesh of stallions, hopped up on hormones and dandelion tea? No. In fact, the reason is far more embarrassing. But it isn't poor Macintosh's fault, you see. The fault lies with a reformed lord of chaos, and his lack of understanding (or empathy) of the after-effects of his unique magical powers.

Published 2015-04-12 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-12 23:10:02 UTC

Dog Day Afternoon

Macintosh sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the calendar on his wall as the last rays of sunlight shown through his window. His room was rather plain; a desk, a bed, a shelf for a bit of light reading. He dreaded tomorrow, of all days. He'd plow the whole farm on a broken leg if it meant he could ask Princess Celestia to skip that day. If tomorrow held any sort of significance for the citizens of Ponyville, it was the day Discord's chaos reigned as supreme law of the land. But, with as many attacks by dangerous magical creatures or villains that befall the rather quaint hamlet, not many can be bothered to remember one from the other.

Unlike the other townsfolk, however, none of them continued to suffer even after the chaos had been reigned in. Sure, Discord had made his reparations to the Apple family. Guaranteed crop yields to keep the family farm operating for the foreseeable future, and use of his magic should the need arise. Although, Applejack was certain the farm would never need pink clouds that rained chocolate milk. Apple Bloom disagreed.

Regardless of the rewards, the damage had been done, and Macintosh was the one who had to live with it. A knock at the door drew him from his thoughts.

The fair mane and stetson gave his visitor away as she stepped in. "How ya holdin' up?"

He sighed. "As well as can be expected."

Applejack sat down beside him on his bed. "Tomorrow's the day, but don't worry, we've taken care of everything, and the next thing you'll remember is wakin' up back in your room." She began to chuckle. "Although, I can't promise you'll be in your bed and not on top of it."

Mac shot her a quick glare, stifling her giggling. "I'm sorry, Mac, I know it aint fair, but until Twilight figures out this 'residual magic' business, this is the way thing's are gonna have ta be."

"I know," Mac replied. "It's just... embarrassing, is all."

She put a hoof on her older brother's shoulder. "Hey now, you ain't got a darn thing to be embarrassed about! You're a member of this family, and that's exactly the way we treat you! Even when you aren't quite... uh... yourself."

Mac smiled at her. "Thank ya Applejack. I know y'all go through a lot to take care of me when this happens. I know it can't be easy."

She stood off the bed. "I'll be hearin' none of that, mister. We'd do it for you, or any other family member and you know it. Now, I suggest you get some shut-eye. You're a little bit more active in the mornings."

Applejack closed his curtains and let herself out. Shimmying beneath the blankets, Mac tried to close his eyes. No matter how often he did this, it never seemed to make it easier. But, who could blame him? Why would anyone look forward to becoming a dog for twenty four hours, with no memory of what you did while you were in that state?

Applejack descended the staircase to find Apple Bloom beaming at her from the landing. "Ah can't wait ta play with Big Mac tomorrow!"

"Yeah, he'll need the exercise, but he stays on the farm, missy. We don't need him actin' a fool all over town, ya hear?"

Her little sister's smile faded slightly. "Yeah, I know. I wish he had another dog ta be friends with while he's... ya know... like this."

"Well, if Winona was a boy, then maybe, but you remember what almost happened the last time we let those two roam freely around the farm?"

Apple Bloom shuttered, closing her eyes tightly and sticking out her tongue. "Yes, please don't remind me."

"That wasn't your brother's fault, but all the same, that'll have to stay a family secret. Speakin' of which, did you—"

"Yes, Carrot Top is watchin' Winona for us on her farm," she moaned.

"Good, now we only have to keep him here until he's his old self again."

Applejack took a seat on the couch across from Granny Smith as she knitted in her rocking chair. "What's all this I hear about Macintosh?"

"It's that time of the year again, Granny."

"Ah, he's turnin' dog again?"

"Eeyup," she replied.

"How ya gonna get him to th' doctor's office like that?"

Applejack drug her hooves over her face. "What? What're you talking about Granny?"

"Mac's farmin' license is set to expire."

Applejack groaned. "Sweet Celestia, how could I have forgotten about that! I knew there was somethin' I was supposed to remember about that date!" She wanted to kick herself for her slip of the mind. There was but one doctor in the region certified to renew farm physicals for the agriculture license required in the sprawling and rampant bureaucracy that was the Equestrian system of government. On top of that, he split his time between Appaloosa, Dodge Junction, and Equestria.

"Tomorrow's the last day he'll be in town, as I recall," Granny went on.

"Of course it is."

"Go'on upstairs and get some rest, child. It's gonna be a busy day tomorrow. I'll put Apple Bloom ta bed. "

Taking her grandmother's advice, she climbed the stairs to her room. "Thanks, Granny, I'll see ya in the mornin'."

The sun shone over the hills as it rose, though Applejack had already been awake for an hour. She had brewed herself a cup of coffee downstairs as she waited until sunup to go check on her brother. She heard a scratching at the door from upstairs, followed by an unmistakable whine.

"Applejack!" Apple Bloom sang from upstairs. "Mac wants out! Can Ah let him out?"

She downed the rest of her coffee in one swift gulf, mentally preparing herself for the day ahead. "Yes."

The door opened, the scrambling of hooves on the wood floor followed uproarious giggling. "Mac! Stop lickin' me!" Soon after, Apple Bloom came down the stairs riding on her brother's back, his leash in her mouth. She hopped off his back as he approached Applejack, his tail wagging excitedly and his tongue hanging out as he panted, smiling at her.

She smiled back at him, mussing his mane. "Who's a good boy? You are Mac!" He tried to lick her hoof as she withdrew it. "Apple Bloom, we've got a problem. We gotta take Mac to the doctor."

"But I thought you said we were s'posed to keep him on the farm till tomorrow?"

"I know what I said, but somethin's come up. If I can't get him to the doctor today, he won't be able to farm legally for another three months. With the harvest coming up, that dog won't hunt," Applejack replied, taking his leash in her mouth.

"But, how're we gonna explain to the townsponies why you're walkin' our brother on a leash?"

"We ain't. You're goin ta shcool an' I'm takin him," she said, struggling with the leash in her mouth.

"Aww... I wanted to play with puppy Mac today!" Apple Bloom complained.

Applejack spit the leash out of her mouth. "You'll get time ta play with him once he's done with the doctor, now git."

With no one holding his leash, Mac made a break for Winona's doggy door, only to smash right through it at full speed, the frame of the door still clinging around his yoke-less neck.

"Damnit, Mac!"

After chasing him out of the chicken coop, she managed to hide him in the apple cart and make her way into town. As long as she could make it to Twilight's castle and have her teleport them to the doctor's office, her trip would be a lot shorter. As she came into town, she stopped. The sweat was simply dripping off her brow as she wiped it with her hat.

"Good lord, Mac, you're heavier than a dead preacher!*"

Upon hearing his name, he popped his head out from beneath the blanket she had thrown over top of the cart. Partly to keep him covered, and another to protect him from the sun. They'd learned that acting like a dog wasn't all he did on this day. He also, for whatever reason, lost his ability to sweat.

If it were up to Applejack, she'd have kicked Discord's teeth in for doing this.

"No, but Twilight had to get all 'everypony deserves a second chance' on me. It aint like he wouldn't have got a second chance!" she said to Mac, as he panted and cocked his head to one side. "He'd would have got one. Just... without his teeth."

Applejack sighed heavily. "It ain't your fault, fella," she said, petting him as he put his forelegs on the edge of the cart for more rubs. She could hear his tail banging from side to side inside the cart. "I'll get ya to the doctor and we'll get ya back to the farm where you can dig holes till your hooves fall off. How's that sound?"

Mac barked a deep, booming bark in happiness as she continued to rub her brother's head.

"Applejack?"

With a start, she shoved his head beneath the blanket and whirled around.

Caramel, the occasional farmhand and day laborer stood before her. "Headin' into town? I was just thinking of coming by to see if you were selling any of those delicious apple pies! Glad I caught ya!" He said with a smile. "Any way I can buy one off ya now?"

"Ah... well, ya see, I ain't selling apple pies today." Since she technically wasn't lying, her telltale signs never showed up.

"Oh! Well all right then, how about some apple preserves?"

"Uh, not selling that, either."

"Apple butter?"

"Nope."

"Apple fritters?"

"Nuh uh."

"Apples?"

"... nah."

"Well, by golly, now I'm confused! What are you selling?"

Applejack looked around nervously, fishing for an answer, before Mac nearly blew her cover.

Woof!

Caramel raised an eyebrow.

"Applejack, I think your cart just barked at me."

"Haha, well, that's because... Winona's in here! Yes, that's right!" she beamed proudly, amazed she had been able to think that quickly.

Caramel smiled. "Winona? Well I just love that little dog! How're you doin' in there girl?" He started towards the cart before she stepped in front of him.

"Oh, I'm takin' her to the vet, she's real sick, as it turns out."

He put a hoof to his chest. "That poor dear! Well, ya know Fluttershy's cottage is that way, don't ya?"

"Ah... uh... yes, I do..." Think Applejack, think! "Ya know who was asking about you the other day? Carrot Top! I think she might've taken a shine to ya helpin' her out all them times."

Caramel blushed. "R-really? She asked about me?"

"All the time! In fact, she'd at her farm now, why don't ya go say hello? I'm sure she'd appreciate it!"

He straightened up his mane and tail. "Good idea. Thanks Applejack!"

"No problem. Well, I gotta get goin'. Bye!"

With that, Applejack took off as fast as she could go down the trail to Ponyville, hoping that by the time Caramel realizes Winona was in fact staying at Carrot Top's farm, she'd have Mac back to the farm and out of the public eye.

Once she entered Ponyville proper, she gave her normal waves and greetings to the townsfolk as her cargo began to whine. She turned around and lifted the blanket. "What is it now, Mac?" He simply whined some more while licking his lips, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth like it belonged there.

"I reckon you ain't eaten anything all day, huh?" She said, rubbing his ears beneath the blanket. "Well hold on, I'll get ya somethin'."

After getting a few quick snacks, she high-tailed it to Twilight's castle. Once in the massive entryway, she unhooked herself from the cart and promptly flopped down on the cold, yet comforting stone floor.

"Twilight, Applejack is here!" Spike called running to check if she was still conscious. Upon hearing his footsteps, she forced herself to her hooves.

"Howdy, Spike."

"Hey, AJ, what's in the—" Before the young dragon could finish his sentence, a long, wet tongue drug across his face, starting at the chin and going all the way to his head spines. The rest of Mac popped up out of the cart, panting as happily as any dog would.

"Eyuch... is it the twelfth already?" He asked, as Mac hopped out of the cart and took to sniffing the ground and nearly everything in the room. Twilight fluttered down from the second story and landed clumsily before them. She had flying down to a fine science, but landings still needed some polish.

"Ah, I forgot that was today," Twilight mused looking over Mac as he turned his attention to her. Mac circled her as he sniffed, making sure she wasn't a threat. "I'm sorry Applejack, but as far as I can tell, we're just going to have to wait for the residual magic to wear off."

"I didn't come about a cure, I came because I need you ta teleport us to the doctor's office. I scheduled Mac's physical for his farming license today, and the only doctor allowed to give them will be gone for three months if we miss this appointment."

Twilight smiled. "No problem, Applejack, I'd be more than happy to—Wah!" Mac had worked his way around to the royal flank without either of them noticing. In addition to being unable to sweat in this form, his nose had grown considerably cold and wet.

"No! Bad Macintosh! Bad pony!" Applejack scolded as Mac shrunk away from her, sinking to his belly and looking at her with a sad face matched only by Apple Bloom herself.

She sighed. "Goodness, I can't stay mad at you..." Applejack said, walking over to her brother as he rolled over onto his back, expecting belly rubs. And it was belly rubs, he did receive.

"Thank ya kindly, Twilight. Also, I was wonderin' if you'd mind going with us. I mean, you're better at explainin' all this magical mumbo jumbo than I am."

"No problem, Applejack. I'm sure the doctor will understand the situation if I just explain it to him."

It took a lot more convincing than either of them could have anticipated. Fortunately, once Twilight more or less forced the doctor to believe them, and once they kept Mac from shredding the magazines in the waiting room, they got what they came for and were promptly zapped back to the castle.

"Welp, thanks for the help, Twilight, I really appreciate it."

"Not a problem at all, Applejack. In fact, Spike should be home from the grocery store any minute now, if you'd like to stay for lunch."

No sooner had she mentioned it, did Spike knock on the castle door. Mac sprinted to it, barking like mad and jumping up and down in front of it, excited to greet the newcomer.

"I'll get it." Twilight chimed, forgetting completely the dog-pony eager to bolt out the door as soon as he saw a gap he thought wide enough to fit through. Which, as it turns out, is an extremely narrow crack. He burst through the door, knocking Spike and the groceries over as he bolted into town, his leash flailing behind him as he eagerly explored the sights and smells of Ponyville.

Applejack turned to Twilight with a less-than-amused expression.

"Oops..."

Mac bolted into the center of town, stopping to sniff around a park bench, a lightpole, and a trashcan before choosing a spot to mark as his own. Thankfully, there were no ponies paying close enough attention to notice. However, dogs and hoboes would forever know that the lightpost between Stirrup street and Saddle avenue was Mac's now.

Having proclaimed his kingdom, his nose led him to the market square, where the local school teacher called out his name with a friendly wave.

"Nice to see you, Macintosh!" He wasted no time getting to her. "How are things on the farm?"

He simply smiled back at her, panting as he had all day. Cheerilee glanced left and right, her smile now much more forced than at the beginning of the conversation.

Woof! he barked happily.

"Ah... okay...well, it was good seeing y—oh dear!"

Mac leaned in close, sniffing her mane in rapid, staccato breaths, before giving her a lick for good measure. Cheerilee simply stood there, petrified and confused.

"Macintosh Apple!" Mac turned his head to see his sister, the purple pony, and the tiny, scaly pony running towards him. Finally, they wanted to play! He took off into the bustling and crowded market square, intent on having some fun with his new friends.

Applejack and Twilight lost Mac as the crowd thickened up. In moments, they were clueless as to which direction he'd gone.

"I'll see if I can spot him from the air, you two try to get through the crowd," Twilight instructed, taking to the skies.

"I'm awful sorry Ms. Cheerilee, Mac ain't his normal self right now, I'll explain later!" Applejack said in passing as she and Spike set out to locate their fugitive dog-pony.

Mac turned around, slowing to a trot, and then a walk. His new friends had vanished! He was the best at playing chase, he always knew it! While surveying his surroundings and deciding what to sniff next, an unexpected voice startled him.

"Hey there, Big!" Above him, a blue pegasus hung her front hooves over a cloud, watching him from a few feet in the air. She jumped down from the cloud and stood before him. "What's up?"

Mac simply smiled and panted. It was then that Rainbow Dash noticed the collar and leash. She leaned in to whisper something to him. "Listen, Big, you know I'm not one to judge what a pony is into, but you should probably keep things that should stay behind closed doors... well, behind those doors."

Much like Cheerilee, Rainbow got a few solid sniffs and a nice long lick. What better way for a dog to show they liked someone? Made perfect sense to him!

"Gross! What the heck kinda mare do you think I am?! I aught'a deck you right here and now for that!" she shouted.

"Hey Dash, breaks over! We got a thunderstorm due in the country this afternoon!" Thunderlane called to her from an adjacent cloud.

She turned back to Mac with a glare. "This ain't over, just wait till AJ hears about this!"

With that, she flew off in quite a hurry, leaving Mac alone again. As he looked around he wandered towards a large gathering of ponies around a cart of some kind.

"You there, yes the strange young stallion in the collar!" One of the salesponies called to him. Never one to turn away a new friend, Mac trotted over, taking in as many scents as he could before arriving at his even newer friend. "You look like a strong young lad, and you can help us demonstrate to these fine ponies the superb quality of the Flim Flam brothers Miracle Rope! Guaranteed to never fray or snap, regardless of the stresses applied!" The pony grabbed a bit of rope with a knot tied in one end off the table and held it out toward Mac. "Now then, young stallion, if you would, please take hold of one end, and be sure to hold on tightly!"

Mac happily took hold of the rope. He liked this friend already!

"Now, as I will demonstrate with my brother and myself, no amount of tension can fray this rope!" The two new friends began to pull on the rope. Mac sunk his shoulders down low, raising his flank in the air as he pulled. Tug-of-war was his favorite game to play with the bow-pony back at the farm!

"As you can see... no wear or tear!" Flam grunted. "Very good, young stallion, you can let go now!" Mac did nothing of the sort. He kept at it, slinging his head from side to side and backing up with his powerful hind legs.

"I said, that's enough! Give us back our miracle product!" Flam demanded as the slight unicorns pulled with all their might.

Mac growled, and with one final tug, yanked both salesponies off their hooves and flung them into their trailer. For his trouble, Mac was rewarded with his prize rope with a knot in it. He chewed it and tossed his head from side to side, thoroughly enjoying himself. Once Flam recovered, he straightened his hat and approached.

"Now see here, I've got half a mind to call the authorities if you don't—" he reached for the rope. Macintosh bared his teeth and let out a low, guttural growl. Flam recoiled slowly. "Now, now... no need for that—" Without warning, Mac barked, taking a step towards the frightened unicorn as he bit the air in front of him. No one—new friend or not—would be taking his favorite toy. Both Flim and Flam climbed the nearest light post and stayed there while Mac happily chewed and pawed at his toy below.

"Applejack, I see him!" Twilight called from the air as she circled down. Mac noticed the purple pony and her sister with the scaly pony coming towards him.

Perhaps they also wanted to play with the rope? They'd have to wait their turn.

As they approached, something caught Mac's eye. Something both awesome and mystifying, something that simply begged to be examined, to be smelled, and possibly eaten, thrown up, then eaten again. The rope was now yesterday's news compared to this, the holy grail of playthings.

A squirrel.

Mac bolted upright, chasing after it as though his life depended on it. The terrified squirrel dashed between stalls and carts, all of which Mac demolished in his pursuit of his furry prize. Eventually, Princess Twilight corralled him with her magic.

"Thank goodness," Applejack sighed, regaining control of Mac's leash and tying it around her hoof. "Good job, Twi."

"It's the least I can do." She smiled, though the rumble of many hoofsteps behind her clued her in to the trouble brewing.

"Uhm... guys? I think we might have a problem..." Spike warned, as all of them turned around to face a mob of angry townsponies.

"Just wait a second," Twilight said, trying to calm them down. "I know what this looks like, but it's not Macintosh's fault!"

"It looks like he destroyed our town!" A voice from the crowd shouted, to which the mob agreed.

"Well, I can't argue that, but he didn't choose to do it! It was—" Twilight began, but a bolt of lightning striking between herself and the crowd cut her off. When the smoke cleared, the cause of the chaos himself stood before them.

"My fault," Discord finished. "My, my, and here I though residual magic was just a theory!" He smiled. As he surveyed the damage he clapped slowly. "Well, I have to hand it to Macintosh, I couldn't have done much better myself! But, my dear friend Fluttershy informed me that it would be very friendly of me to remove the last little bit of chaos magic hovering over dear old Macintosh's head." Discord snapped his fingers. Mac's panting began to fade, as he slowly began to come to. "He'll be a few minutes. Anyway, while I'm on a 'friendly things to do' kick, I suppose I could repair your market." Another snap, and the decimated shops and stalls were repaired in a flash.

"Ya mean you coulda just made him normal any time ya wanted?!" Applejack shouted, furious.

"But of course! You, however, never asked me to remove the spell, you simply went to dear old Twilight Sparkle for help! Science can't compete with chaos magic, my dear. No then, if you'll excuse me, I've got a tea date with Fluttershy. On the moon. Ta-Ta!"

In a puff of pink smoke, he disappeared. The townsponies began to dissipate, and Applejack felt a tug on her leash.

"Applejack, just what in the heck am I doin' in the middle of town wearing a collar and leash?!" His tone rose in anger as he realized why he had just come to in the middle of town.

She grinned sheepishly. "Well, I've got good news and bad news, which do ya want first?"

Mac lay awake in bed that night, glad to have the curse lifted, but mortified at what had happened in the center of town. As he tried to sleep, a soft tapping at his window opened his eyes. He sat up in bed and opened the pane to find none other than Rainbow Dash hovering outside.

"Miss Rainbow? What're you doing out here at this hour?" he asked. Without a word she leaned in and gave him a short, but sweet kiss on the lips.

"That was for having the stones to do what you did," she said, a wry smile across her lips. "But this..." she said, her smile fading into a scowl. "Is for doing it in public!" Without warning, she socked him right in the eye, knocking him out cold. Dash closed his window and flew off into the night.

As Mac lay there, unconscious, a small, cold, wet nose pushed its way into his room. Winona was back! She jumped up on his bed and took in his scent, pawing around the mattress a few times before settling down.

Goodness, how she missed him!

Author's Note

You blame this story on Jake. The cover art was part of his CQ photo dump, and inspired this story.

*I looked up this country-ism online. I have no idea if it's offensive or not. I don't care either way, just thought I'd point that out.