What Would a Princess Do For Cake?
There Can Only Be One Flavor
Author's Note
Now this is a story I enjoyed writing. All the tiny jokes n such I put in it. I get a good laugh when I read it, so i hope you do too. I'd like to thank RaylanKrios for his editing help and pre-reading.
There Can Only Be One Flavor
Celestia used her magic to raise the sun as she did every day. It was the same process she had done for centuries, and the same she will do for centuries more. It got to the point where she grew tired of such a tedious process, so to make it better, she decided to have a slice of cake every time she raised or lowered the sun. Soon, her simple reward became more of an addiction.
“Baker, I think today’s cake should be chocolate…no double chocolate with sprinkles…be generous with the sprinkles. And the chocolate,” Celestia said making her order for the day.
“I understand, your majesty, but there is one slight problem…” The baker spoke in her french accent. Obviously forced. “We are out of chocolate from your last cake order…an hour ago. Remember the quadruple chocolate mousse surprise you ordered?”
“No matter, just order some more.” Celestia smiled.
“Princess…there isn’t any more. Our shipment from the chocolate mines hasn’t arrived yet. It won’t be ready for another week or two. They weren’t expecting us to go through our supply it so fast.” The baker mentioned as she grew more and more anxious.
“Oh…then I guess you wouldn’t mind go into the mines to get me some, right?” Celestia continued smiling.
“No princess, i-i-it’s just that no one makes it out of those chocolate mines alive. The threat of brown lung, cocoa lava, cave-ins, or being crushed under marshmallow boulders.”
“You better wear a hard hat then,” Celestia recommended before two Royal guards came in and dragged the baker away. Today ,Celestia would have to go without cake and have to look for a new baker. That was the fifth one she sent to the mines, yet they never returned. She didn’t know why. The chocolate mines were one of the safest places in Equestria. Well, so claimed her Mining Director, Botched Report.
Things weren’t all bad, she could always order a cake from local bakeries. She would do so later, but for now, she needed to sit on her throne and wait for Twilight’s morning letter. For some odd reason, that unicorn insisted on coming to Canterlot everyday only to take a hot air balloon back down to Ponyville and then send the same photo every day. It was tedious, but it gave Celestia something to do in the morning. Well, at least she started to include other ponies and not just her friends.
As Celestia lowered her sun butt into the throne seat, she noticed a little resistance in her plump rump. She looked behind her to see her oversized behind was wider than the gap meant for seating. With a little force and cake frosting she kept by the throne, Celestia managed to ease into her seat. And, to her surprise, smell deliciously like vanilla frosting. He stomach began growling as she reached to her flank, scooped a hooful of frosting, and brought it to her mouth.
“Please don’t tell me you’re about to eat that, sister? Replied Luna, who was right beside her sister the entire time.
“Of course not…” Celestia replied as she wiped her hoof clean.
“It would seem that you’ve gained weight over the past hundred years,especially in your posterior area. Could I recommend a good personal trainer? He keeps me healthy.”
Celestia looked at her sister’s lean body, and then examined her own pudgy, full sized, body. She was almost the size of the Horses she destroyed thousands of years ago. Still, she had to admit she was becoming a plus- sized horse, but she wouldn’t let anyone know she knew.
“Luna, I am in perfect sha-“ Celestia started before she felt a poking at her side. She looked and saw Luna’s hoof slowly descend into her side. It reached her shoulder before Luna started pulling her arm back. She reached the end and pulled her hoof out, a popping sound resonated throughout the throne room.
“Sister, you need a diet. Look at me; I am in perfect shape.” Luna said as she floated her hoof over her lean, tight, sublime body. “That’s one of the reasons I am the Princess of the Night. Ponies actually want to see me in their dreams. You, on the other hoof, are the Princess of the Day. Your out of shape figure keeps ponies awake during the day , so they don’t have to see your scary misshapen body.”
“Luna please…I am so in shape that I could run a mile…”
“Let’s make a bet. If you can a mile, I’ll give you my half of the kingdom. If you can’t, then you have to ban cake.”
“Uh…I…I accept.”
Less than ten minutes later, Celestia- drowning in her own sweat- lay in the courtyard of the castle with an oxygen mask on her snout and a team of royal paramedics checking her vitals. Luna-with sweat dropping down her perfect, slim figure- stood by with a smug look on her face. The run barely lasted ten minutes before Celestia could barely breathe and signaled for medical help. It was easy at first, yet as Luna quickly became a dot in Celestia’s vision, she began to realize how out shape she was.
“Alright…” Celestia gasped, “I’ll ban cake.”
Mr. Cake lay next to his wife in the bed. He was wide awake. This usually happened once a week like clockwork. He would lay there wondering how his wife gave birth to a unicorn and a pegusus. He loved the children dearly, but the thought kept crossing his mind. Once Mr. Cake thought the Alicorn milkman had something to do with it since he hung around the bakery a lot around the time of conception and when he left for long trips by himself. He quickly dismissed the thought whenever the thought surfaced. But the free milk they were getting made him more suspicious.
Mr. Cake let out a sigh as his wife snored like a beast. Then, above her Everfree forest snore, he heard a sound; the sound of chewing. Immediately, he grabbed his rolling-pin. He slowly descended down the stairs looking for the culprit. He followed the sound closely until he reached the display area. There, a silhouette triple the size of him stood eating. With cat like reflexes of a skinny earth pony, he turned on the lights and gasped.
'
“Princess Celestia!” Mr. Cake gasped while bowing, “May I ask what are you doing here?”
“Ahh…my little pony,” Celestia said with her mouth filled with sweets, “How are you doing on this wonderful night?”
“Good…but my question.”
“I was just here…sampling some sweets.”
Mr. Cake looked to his floor to see a genocide of sweets strewn around his shops floor. “Uh…are you okay, Princess. I know with the cake ban it has been a rough twelve hours; I can see it in your eyes, but you don’t have to succumb to petty-“
“Look you lowly baker. I am the Princess, and I’ll do what I want.” Celestia stuffed a cupcake brownie in her mouth for added emphasis.“But, to keep you quiet, I’ll give you enough bits to last you twenty lifetimes. This situation doesn’t leave us, okay?”
“What situation?” Mr. Cake responded.
“Smart pony.”
With that, Celestia unfurled her wings, and flew into the night. Mr. Cake could only smile as he swept up the mess in his shop.
After The Declaration against Cake which banned cake in Equestria, Celestia disappeared from the light. (Oh, and many Sweet businesses lost substantial revenue and were forced to take out loans with high interest rates to stay afloat, but that’s not important.) While she was gone, the sun would still rise and set, yet there was also an increase in baked good thievery. Though, many didn’t take any mind to it, Princess Luna thought it was unusual. (The Sweet shops also experienced losses from the theft and many had to close down, though that’s not important either.)
The Night Princess walked to her sister’s room. She reached the bottom of the staircase leading to the door. It was littered with wrappers from candy, and crumbs from random goods. She began walking to up the stairs, placing her hooves wherever a clean spot was. The closer she got to the room, the stronger the smell of sugar and shame became. The climb wasn’t hard. Only 2 flights of crumb covered stairs. With Luna’s health and fitness, she reached her sister’s room in seconds and without breaking a sweat.
“Hello?” Luna, obviously worried, asked as she opened the door. She heard sounds of chewing and muttering coming from inside the shadow filled room. “It’s me sister.”
“I’ve been thinking, Luna…why don’t we bring this cake ban to other countries?” Luna heard her sister say, “Let the rest of the world experience this new way of life.”
A lone light came on into the room. Celestia sat under the light with a wrapper stuck to her face. Below her was a messily drawn world map with military ponies, made from sweets, placed strategically around it.
“Sister, we can’t do that…” Luna responded calmly.
“Luna,Luna,Luna…can’t is just a word,” Celestia said as she wrapped her foreleg around her sister. The stench of week old candy floated from her pit.
Equestria’s military, the strongest military in the world, marched on towards the Griffon Empire. They were in their ranks with armor glowing in the sunlight. In the front of the blinding army was Celestia in her thousand year old armor which was snugger than Celestia remembered. It pinched, squeezed, and overflowed in all the wrong places. Beside Sunbutt was her sister Moonbutt who fit in her armor the same way she did the day the Lunar Army attacked Saddle Arabia a thousand years ago.
“Forward ,men! To the Griffon King’s Castle!” Celestia cheered.
The army cheered and marched quickly to the kingdom.
“Sister, this is honestly your shining moment.” Stated Luna.
“Thankyou , Luna. Soon everyone will know the glory of a no cake world.”
Luna sighed as her sarcasm went unnoticed. It was never really Celestia’s strong point. It’s what caused the War of Irony in Zebrica 1500 years ago. The Alicorns continued walking with their army until they reached the gates of the Griffon Kingdoms. The gates were tall, wide, and unlocked. Celestia simple pushed them open. Her army followed her inside.
The Griffon Military, not knowing of the attack, did absolutely nothing. They looked towards the pony army then returned to whatever they were doing. They were just too cool to care about an invasion. That’s what General Gilda told them to believe.
After walking through the royal guard, the pony army arrived, stormed, and took over the castle. Soon enough, Celestia and Luna reached the throne room.
“Huzzah! Welcome ponies!” welcomed the Griffon King, “I wasn’t expecting the annual invasion till next Tuesday. Well played, ponies. Well played.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just give me your cake,” ordered Celestia.
“Not the usual gold, silver, or slaves? Changing it up. Good. Baker! Bring her cake!”
The baker walked from the kitchen. Following her was the most decent looking, chocolate cake Celestia had ever seen. The sun princess sighed. The griffons had not come as far as the ponies did with cake technology. It was a shame but didn’t matter. Cake was cake. She ordered some military personal to carry out the cake. After saying goodbye, the pony army left.
“Same time next year?” asked Luna as she left.
“As always!” replied the King.
The army walked back to Canterlot with a tiny victory under their belts. It was the most action any of them had ever seen in many years since Celestia pretty much ruled the planet with her sun controlling and all. Military action was rarely necessary, so when it happened, many jumped on board the train headed for disappointment.
As the military walked, they spotted a lone pony pulling a cart. She seemed to have endured harsh times in the last couple of days. She walked very slowly, yet at her pace, still intercepted the army before they reached Canterlot’s border. Under the dirt, sweat, blood, and tears, Celestia saw a familiar figure.
“Baker…is that you?” Celestia asked as she ate the trophy from the griffon invasion.
“You know I have a name, right?” The baker asked in her forced French accent, “Yes. Yes it’s me. I have survived the terrors of the Chocolate mines to bring my princess her chocolate. If you give me an hour, I will have you the most delicious chocolate cake you’ve ever had.”
“Hmm…I’m feeling more like a Vanilla cake…” stated Celestia as she dropped the Griffon chocolate cake to the ground.
“But…but…”
“Since you were so kind to venture in the chocolate mines to retrieve the chocolate, I bet you wouldn’t mind going to the Vanilla Badlands to get some vanilla.”
“No...My princess…but the Vanilla badlands are the second most dangerous place in Equestria. The bandits, psychos, Skags, and guns. It’s all so dangerous…”
“Well you better bring a gun and save your DNA at the New-U station…” Celestia said as two guards dragged the baker away for a second time.
