Maud Pie Becomes an Alicorn Princess

by Smoker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Maud Pie, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 22399

Due to slightly contrived circumstances, Maud Pie becomes an alicorn princess. This will be interesting...

A/N: now with voice reading by "TheCaptainSand". Listen to his wonderfully dulcet british tones and his hilarious Applejack impression here. Thanks again, Cap!

Due to slightly contrived circumstances, Maud Pie becomes Equestria's fifth, newest (*cough* best *cough*) alicorn princess. Inducted, she will face the most dangerous, diabolical threat anypony has ever devised:

The legal system.

Will she be as stoic as ever? Will she be able to handle the crushing paperwork? Will Pinkie get to plan her coronation party?! Only one thing is for certain:

Rocks.

Many, many rocks.

Oh, and an attempted assassination and eventual plot to take over the world as we know it.

But mostly rocks.

XXXXXXXX

Just a little something I came up with. I apologize if it has errors, i haven't had much time to edit. I did fix it up as best as I could, though.

Hope you laugh! (If not, I apologize. Maud comedy is kind of hard to write, considering that... y'know. She's Maud.)

EDIT: Featured 10/9! My second featured story, and it only took me 8 months to do it! WOO-HOO!

EDIT 2: Holy crap. as of 10/21, my story is so popular that is in the realm of being in the featured box every time it gets updated. Can't thank you guys enough, cliche as it sounds.

Published 2014-10-09 18:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-26 16:13:07 UTC

Hail to the Maud

“ALL HAIL PRINCESS MAUD!”

A loud chant of this roared from the crowd gathered in front of Canterlot Castle. The chant turned into a screaming cheer when the giant castle doors opened. On a chariot carved from finest stone, sat Maud. She wore a dress which barely looked any different from her regular frock: the only difference was that there were frills at the bottom. She also wore a slate-grey tiara, with an amethyst embedded in its center.

She gazed out at the crowd with an emotionless expression. She looked idly up at the banner above her head, which bore her emotionless face. (The painters for the banner couldn’t get her to pose in a smile.)

Nearby, in a booth above the rest of the crowd, six mares watched the parade. Unlike the crowd, out of these six mares, only one was waving.

“HI MAUD! HI! IT’S ME! PINKIE! LOOK UP AT ME!” Pinkie screamed from the booth.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Fluttershy asked the other occupants of the booth. “She seemed awfully reluctant to become an official princess."

Rainbow Dash snorted. “You could tell? She could be excited, miserable and enraged all at once, and nobody but Pinkie would ever know! Besides, ponies would have found out eventually anyways.”

“I’m worried about Maud.” Twilight said with a frown. “Being a princess can be incredibly stressful. I just hope she’s up for the challenge.”

“Darling, she blasted her way through several tons of rock. I think she can handle a stack of paperwork.” Rarity said, patting Twilight on the back.

“What I can’t handle is this blasted dress! Thing’s so itchy it’s like a porcupine’s dancin’ in it!” Applejack growled, scratching furiously at the dress Rarity had made her for the occasion.

Meanwhile, Pinkie quieted down. “I don’t think she can hear me…” she said miserably, watching the slow chariot travel down the road. Then she came up with a bright idea. She pulled a megaphone out of her fancy hat, and switched it on. Then she screamed into the megaphone, “MAUD! IT’S PINKIE! LOOK UP AND WAVE AT ME!”

XXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, in Saddle Arabia, a horse sat up straight, and prodded his ear with a hoof. “العسل، هل سمعت شيئا؟” he called over to his wife.

“انها على الارجح مجرد خيالك، عزيز.” His wife replied. The horse shrugged, and looked back to his newspaper. He could have sworn he heard a voice…

XXXXXXXX

Maud looked up to where the deafening screech had come from. She raised a hoof and waved lightly.

Pinkie squealed. “Did you girls see that?! She waved at me!” she squeaked to her friends.

“WHAT?!” Applejack yelled over.

XXXXXXXX

As the parade continued, Maud looked around at her new subjects. Ponies young, old, male and female were waving and cheering for her.

“Pwincess Maud?” came a voice, and Maud looked down to see a small filly with a paper and quill in her mouth. “Can I have yo’ autogwaph?” The filly mumbled around the objects in her mouth.

Wordlessly, Maud took the paper and quill, and wrote her name in blocky print. Then she hoofed it back. “Thanksh!” The filly cheered before rushing back to her mother.

Still expressionless, Maud looked to her other side. Then she noticed something. In the back of the crowd, a shadowy figure. Maud squinted her eyes for a bit of a better view. As she looked, she saw the mysterious mare reach into another pony’s purse with a hoof, subtly pull out a glinting piece of jewelery, and stow it away into her saddlebags. This all happened in barely a second, and the mare who had been pickpocketed was none the wiser.

Without warning, Princess Maud leaped off of the chariot. Cries came from the crowd as the princess glided over them on her wings, and right into the thief, tackling her.

“PRINCESS!” a pegasus guard cried, darting down. “Are you all right?!”

Then the guard saw that Maud held down a small, brown-coated mare, under her hooves. “This mare has been stealing from others.” Maud said simply. She then reached into the mare’s saddlebag and pulled out the necklace she had seen moments ago. She held it out to the mare who had been stolen from. “Is this yours?” she asked.

The victim nodded, her eyes welling with tears. “That’s my grandmother’s necklace! I don’t know what I’d do without it! Thank you, THANK YOU, Princess Pie!”

“My name is Maud.” Maud stated blandly as she handed back the necklace. Then she looked to the guard. “Hold her down and bring her into custody.”

“Yes, ma’am!” The guard said, taking Maud’s place and pinning the pickpocket to the ground.

Maud trotted back to her chariot, and noticed that the crowd had gone silent. Only as she reached the chariot and crawled back on did the crowd’s cheers start up again, a dozen times louder than before. Maud remained expressionless as the chariot rolled on.

XXXXXXXX

“Your majesty?” came a voice as Maud stepped off of the chariot at the end of the parade.

Maud looked around the palace garage before she spotted the one who had spoken. It was a pink mare with glasses and a messy blonde mane, who trotted over, grinning. “I’m Word Twirl.” The mare said quickly, holding out her hoof. Emotionlessly, Maud shook it very briefly.

“I’m your PR manager.” Word Twirl said. Maud looked blank, as she always did. “Public Relations, that is.” Word Twirl said, chuckling nervously.

“Go on.” Maud said simply, as she walked off.

“Well, as you know, I’m the one who manages your public image,” Word Twirl said quickly, walking alongside Maud. “and I must say, that little stunt you pulled out there with the thief? That was GOLD. Pure, unadulterated PR gold. The public’s gonna LOVE you for this – your approval ratings are going to SKYROCKET!”

“That’s nice.” Maud said, entering a hallway of the castle. Word Twirl followed her, still chatting.

“I mean it, a few more stunts like that and you’ll be locked for LIFE! I mean, even now, the public wants Maud Pie t-shirts, Maud Pie coffee mugs, Maud Pie hats, Maud Pie mane dye, Maud Pie lunchboxes – I even have a prototype of the in-development ‘Hug-me-Maud’ plushie!” Word Twirl pulled out a plushie, which Maud looked at. It wore a wide grin, and its stubby little plush arms were open invitingly.

“When you press its cutie mark, it’s talks!” Word Twirl chirped, poking a button on mini-Maud’s flank with her hoof.

A high-pitched recorded voice which sounded nothing like Maud squealed out, “Let’s go to the gala!”

Maud stopped walking, and Word Twist stopped with her, eagerly awaiting Maud’s response. Finally, Maud simply stated, “Rocks.”

“Your majesty?” Word Twist asked, smile dimming just a bit.

“Have it list the different types of rocks. Igneous, metamorphic, sedimentary. Have it talk about what differentiates them from each other, too.” Maud said, still emotionless, as she began walking again.

Word Twirl’s smile returned in full force. “Oh, an educational toy! Brilliant, your majesty, BRILLIANT! That’ll boost your public image even further! The new lines will be recorded-”

“It’s too expressive.” Maud continued onward, not reacting to Word Twirl. “Make its voice like mine.”

“Um… yes, your majesty.” Word Twirl said, nodding. “As soon as possible. In any case, I should also inform you that in an hour, there is a royal luncheon going on. You should go there – it’s being held specifically for you.”

“Will there be rocks?”

“I – I’m sorry?”

“The luncheon. Will they be serving rocks.” Maud stated, turning her head to Word Twirl.

Word Twirl’s face grew confused, if only for a second, before returning to its enormous smile. “Well, it wasn’t scheduled… but if you wish it, princess, it shall be so! We shall find the finest rocks in all the land! Only the best for your consumpt-“

“That won’t be necessary.” Maud said, looking forward again. “Just any rocks will do. I saw some nice pieces of granite out in the front courtyard.”

“Um… yes, your majesty. I’ll get right on that.” Word Twirl said, nodding before rushing off. Maud just plodded onwards, stoic and silent as ever.

Author's Note

translations:

العسل، هل سمعت شيئا؟ = Honey, did you hear something?

انها على الارجح مجرد خيالك، عزيز. = It's probably just your imagination, darling.

(I used Google Translate, so I apologize profusely if it's not right.)

My Little Geologist: Rocks are Delicious

“Presenting…. Princess Maud!”

The massive doors opened, and Maud walked through them into a grand room. Within, at a beautiful table, sat the four other princesses. Celestia, Luna, Cadence and…

“Twilight.” Maud stated, nodding at her friend as she sat down at the table. She didn’t even look at the other princesses.

Twilight glanced nervously at Celestia, who simply smiled. “Um, Maud?” she asked. “Shouldn’t you show a little... um…”

“What.” Maud said, tilting her head at Twilight. Then she looked around. “Oh.” She said when her eyes came to Celestia. “You’re the one who turned me into a Princess.”

“Um… yes. Yes I am.” Celestia stated.

There was an awkward pause, during which the Maud continued to stare at Celestia. The elder alicorn looked around nervously. “Um…”

“I never did catch your name.” Maud said, making Celestia jump a little.

“…Beg pardon?” Celestia asked. “You mean to say you don’t know who I am?”

“Why would I? You never introduced yourself.” Maud stated.

“I’m… Princess Celestia.” Celestia replied with some pride in her voice.

Maud just stared.

“Diarch of Equestria?” The pride turned to confusion.

Maud’s staring intensified.

“The one who raises the sun every day?” Confusion turned to desperation.

Maud’s staring intensified.

Finally, Maud’s eyebrows raised a miniscule amount. “Oh. Now I recognize you.” She said in that same bland, monotone voice.

“Oh, good. I was worried that you wouldn’t know who I was.” Celestia said, chuckling.

“No, no, it’s obvious now.” Maud said. “You’re the one whose face is engraved on those pieces of pyrite.”

“Engraved on…pyrite?” Celestia asked, confused.

“She’s referring to the metal used to make bits. You know – fool’s gold.” Luna informed Celestia politely.

Celestia stared at Maud. “You only recognize me… from how my face is stamped on our currency?” She said, a tiny quiver in her voice.

Maud nodded. “How else would I know you.” She asked blandly.

“Maud, with all due respect…” Twilight said, drawing Maud’s attention. “…have you been living under a ROCK for your entire life?”

“Twilight! Don’t be rude!” Cadance said, frowning at Twilight.

“I’d like to live under a rock.” Maud said, drawing attention back to her. “It sounds intriguing.”

There was a pause of the most awkward variety.

Mercifully, the conversation was cut short by the doors to the kitchen swinging open. “Lunch is served, your majesties.” Stated one of the waiters who entered the room. Several trays of covered dishes were whisked out, and promptly passed around.

Celestia received a piece of the finest cake in all the land. Despite all of Luna’s protests, Celestia still had cake whenever she could. (“I’m an alicorn! Alicorns don’t get fat!”)

Luna received a salad with greens and vegetables picked fresh from the castle gardens. It was filled with juicy lettuce leaves and still-moist carrots.

Cadance received her usual: a hoagie with sesame-seed bun, filled with lettuce leaves, tomatoes, and freshly-ground pepper.

Twilight didn’t have refined tastes like the other princesses, so she simply had what she had always had: a daffodil sandwich. Only the finest daffodils were found for the sandwich, of course.

Maud had granite.

“What is the meaning of this?” Celestia asked when Maud’s dish was uncovered. “Is this a joke? Just because she is new does not mean that she is to be mocked by serving her ROCKS!”

“She… requested it, your highness.” The chef said hesitantly.

“Requested it?! Why that is the most ridiculous-“ Celestia was cut off by a deafening crunch. Whirling her head around, she and the other princesses stared as Maud simply lowered her head to her plate and crunched into one of the chunks of granite.

Raising her head, Maud looked around at the other princesses, whose jaws were dropped. “What.” Maud stated, without even the slightest questioning tone in her voice.

“You… you eat rocks.” Luna deadpanned, pointing.

“Is that even possible?” Celestia asked, eyes wide.

“Granite is full of vital minerals, and it also contains calcium. It should really be part of anypony’s daily breakfast.” Maud stated. She picked up another rock in her mouth, and crushed it with her teeth. The others winced at every painfully crunch-filled chew.

“Try some.” Maud said abruptly, holding one of the granite chunks out to Celestia.

“Oh, no, I really couldn’t-“

“Try it.” Maud stated. It wasn’t an order, or even a request; just a blank statement. “It’s good for you.”

Celestia paused, then stated “Pardon me for a moment.” She then stretched her neck over to Luna. “Luna, are our teeth indestructible?”

“What?” Luna asked, bewildered.

“Are our teeth indestructible?!” Celestia asked, desperation and fear in her voice. “I know that alicorns are basically gods, but do our teeth share our powers of indestructibility?!”

“How am I supposed to know?!” Luna asked, exasperated.

Celestia turned back to see the rock right in her face. Celestia squeaked lightly, seeing Maud right in front of her. “Try it.” Maud stated.

“Maud! Sit down!” Twilight cried. “The princess doesn’t have to eat if she doesn’t want-“

“No, no, it’s…. it’s fine.” Celestia said hesitantly. “I don’t… want to be impolite… heh…” She levitated the rock chunk with her magic.

Celestia gulped, and looked at Maud hesitantly. Maud just stared at her, no emotion on her face. Celestia turned back to the rock, and hesitantly put it into her mouth.

CRUNCH.

A nasty-sounding crunch rang around the table. Celestia turned to Luna. “Luna…” she whimpered. “Our teeth are NOT indestructible.”

XXXXXXXX

Twilight, Luna, Cadance and Maud sat in chairs. Three of them were worried, and one of them was impassive. They looked to their left as a door opened.

A pony in a white medical mask exited through the door. Removing his mask, he smiled at the princesses. “Good news – her majesty is going to be fine.”

Twilight, Luna and Cadence all sighed with relief.

“Yes, I have to admit, that was an incredibly nasty job.” The dentist said, shaking his head. “Twelve chipped teeth, and two missing ones! We counted…” The dentist raised a clipboard with his magic. “…fifty-seven fragments which had to be reassembled. Fortunately, you got her to us in time that we could magically reattach them. There is some bad news, though.”

“WHAT?!” Luna roared in the royal canterlot voice. Then she covered her mouth. “Oops… my greatest apologies.”

The doctor blinked. “Quite all right.” He said, his voice a touch shaken. “In any case, the bad news. We had to cast an extra-powerful pain numbing spell on her majesty; otherwise, the surgery would have been excruciatingly painful. However, due to the spell’s power… it won’t wear off for a few days.”

“Oh, so she’ll have trouble eating with her numbed mouth?” Cadance questioned.

“Well, that too… but the thing is, a side effect of this spell makes the subject somewhat… unstable.”

“Unstable?” Twilight asked.

“LOOONAAA!” Celestia said, barging out of the room and hugging her sister. “Do you shee them looona?” Celestia said, pointing out a hoof. “Bunnies… flying bunnies everywhere…”

“Oh. So it makes her cuckoo for choco puffs.” Cadance said bluntly.

“How long until it wears off again?” Twilight asked the doctor nervously.

“Um… three days.”

“Three days?! But – but – she has day court TOMORROW!” Luna cried. “She can’t show up like this; she isn’t fit for work!”

“It’s okay, Luna.” Twilight said, smiling. “Luna, Cadance or I will just take over her court duties-“

“HER!” Celestia suddenly shrieked, and everyone looked to see her pointing at Maud. “I wantsh the purtty one to go ta court! Issha… a royal decreeee-EEEE-eee!” With that, Celestia spun around and began dancing. “I’mma bootiful butterfly walking on rainbowsh!” She cried happily as she twirled through the air.

The other princesses looked at Maud, who was idly petting her pet rock, Boulder. She glanced at them. “What.” She stated.

“Did… did she just make a royal decree that Maud be the one to hold court tomorrow?” Luna said quietly.

“I guess so.” Twilight said. “And there’s no rule saying that a princess can’t make a decree while she’s not mentally sound… We should really add that in there somewhere.”

“Well… I guess Maud’s going to be the judge in court tomorrow.” Cadence said, looking over at Maud. “I just hope she does well.”

Maud looked over. “What is a court.” She stated.

Luna slammed her hoof into her face with the impact of an interplanetary collision. “Equestria is doomed!” She groaned.

Author's Note

Will Maud manage to not screw up Equestria as court judge?! Find out next time, on DRAGON BA- No, wait...

Judge Maudy

(A/N: the following chapter is crackfic-y, but it contains a plot point. Just warning you).

“Royal court is now in session!” called Twilight to the courtroom, which quieted down. “All rise for the honorable judge, Princess… um… Maud.” Twilight raised a hoof, and the ponies clopped their hooves against the ground in appreciation as Maud entered the courtroom, climbing up to the judge’s podium and sitting down.

“Maud, are you sure you can do this?” Twilight whispered to Maud.

Maud did not respond. She just sat there, stroking her pet Boulder, who sat in her lap contentedly.

“Um…” Twilight said, looking forward again. “The, the first case: Loose Leaf vs Tip Tap.”

Two mares entered the courtroom, walking down the aisle. They arrived at the small podiums facing the judge, all the while glaring at each other. A guard entered after them, carrying a small bundle.

There was a pause. “Um, Maud?” Twilight whispered to Maud. “Now you ask them questions regarding the case.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the courtroom. Finally, Maud began to speak. “Why are you two here.” She said in a bored-sounding voice.

“I’m so glad you asked, your honor! You see, my darling little-“

“No, it’s MY darling!”

“No, it’s MINE!”

“No, you lousy-“

“Maud, call order to the court!” Twilight hissed from the corner of her mouth. “Use the gavel! Get their attention!”

“Enough.” Maud said, in a voice barely louder than her normal voice. The two mares couldn’t even hear her; indeed, Twilight could barely hear her.

Then there was a loud clatter, as a shower of pebbles cascaded across the courtroom floor. That got the mares’ attention; they looked at Maud, confused.

“I have plenty. Don’t make me use more.” Maud stated, holding up a pile of small rocks.

Twilight slammed her face into the desk she was sitting at. “Not the gravel… the GAVEL! The hammer!”

Maud looked at Twilight. “But if I threw a hammer at them, that could seriously injure them.” She said, the ever-so-slightest note of confusion entering her voice.

Twilight raised her head, just so she could slam it down again. “Just… just move on.” She muttered.

“Now then.” Maud stated, pointing at Loose Leaf. “You. Tell me your side of the story.”

“Well…” Loose Leaf sniffled. “It’s my darling son, my darling little colt… he’s been stolen by… by that MONSTER!” She pointed at Tip Tap, and there was a collective gasp from the crowd.

“That’s a filthy lie! I-“ Tip Tap’s interruption was interrupted by more gravel clattering against the ground.

“Wait until your turn.” Maud stated, setting down her newly-aquired bucket of gravel next to her throne.

Twilight hit her head on the desk yet again, then she leaned over to the stenographer. “Hit me with your typewriter as hard as you can. This isn’t doing it for me.” She whispered desperately.

“Loose Leaf.” Maud stated.

“Well… my son… he was in the background playing, when that crazy mare over there came over the fence, and… and stole him!” Loose Leaf bawled. “She’s completely mad!”

Maud paused. Then she turned to Tip Tap. “Your turn.” She said simply.

“Well, now, her story is a dirty rotten lie! In fact, it’s the OPPOSITE of what happened!” Tip Tap cried, enraged. “It was SHE who stole MY darling little colt!”

“No, don’t you see? He’s MINE!”

“No, MINE!”

“Enough.” Maud said, and the mares actually listened, not wanting to be pelted with more gravel. “Is that the colt there?” She said, nodding at the bundle which was still held by the guard who had carried it in.

In response, the bundle squirmed, and a tiny head poked out, yawning.

“Well then. Let us go with the simplest solution.” Maud said. She looked to one of the guards who lined the courtroom. “You there. With the axe.”

A guard carrying an axe for his weapon looked at Maud, confused.

“Cut the baby in two.” Maud said, her voice unwavering and firm, pointing at the baby.

There was a collective gasp. “Maud! You can’t-“ Twilight said.

“I have made my decision.” Maud said simply. “Each mare will get half of the baby.”

She looked at the guard. “You have your orders.” She stated.

Everyone looked at Maud, unable to tell if she was joking. Her attitude seemed serious enough. Finally, the axe-wielding guard walked over, reluctantly.

“You’re… you’re actually going to go through with this…” Twilight said, glaring at Maud. “You’re a monster.”

Maud just stared forward, at the two mothers.

The baby was placed on the floor. Just as the guard raised his axe, though, Loose Leaf cried out, “NO! Please! She can have the colt! She can have him! Just spare his life, please!”

Maud immediately pointed to Loose Leaf. “That one. Give the child to that one.”

There was a pause, and then Loose Leaf began weeping. “Oh, thank you, THANK YOU!” She cried, collapsing onto the podium.

“What?! I don’t – why –“ Tip Tap stuttered, baffled.

“The one who cares more about the colt’s life than his possession… she is his mother.” Maud stated. “The case is closed.”

With that, there was a murmur from the crowd, regarding Maud’s controversial method, as the two mares and the child were escorted out of the courtroom.

Twilight looked up to Maud, smiling. “That was clever, Maud. Threatening the baby like that to get the mother to react. Very clever.”

Maud didn’t respond, staring forward and stroking Boulder.

“That… that WAS just a threat, right?” Twilight said nervously. “You weren’t really going to…”

“Bring in the next case.” Maud called to the guard at the door.

XXXXXXXX

After the first, dramatic case, the court grew more boring. Mainly legal issues, territory disputes, requests for supplies to faraway towns. Maud continued to give practical, yet simple answers, all the while not reacting to anything.

Finally, the sun began to set, and the last case of the day arrived. Into the courtroom walked a unicorn with pale brown fur.

“Why are you here?” Maud said in that same, bland tone she had used for all the other cases.

The pony looked to the left and right, shivering a little.

“Sir.” Maud said, leaning forward.

Then, without any warning, the stallion burst into green flame. A second later, in the stallion’s place stood a sneering changeling, the sunset’s rays flickering off of its black shell.

“DEATH TO THE PRINCESS!” The changeling roared, its horn beginning to glow. “DEATH TO EQUE-“

The angry cry was abruptly cut off when something small whizzed right at the changeling, striking him hard right between the eyes. The insect was immediately knocked out cold, the magic fading from his horn as he fell to his side, eyes closed.

Twilight stared. “Did… did you just throw a rock at him?” She said incredulously.

Maud did not respond, her expression wasn’t even the slightest bit changed. Instead, she got up and glided down to the changeling’s unmoving body. She picked up the rock which she had hurled at the would-be assassin.

“Nice going, Boulder.” Maud said to the rock, her voice monotone as ever. “You stopped that assassin.”

Maud looked to the crowd, her voice raising ever so slightly. “I have a new royal decree.” Maud stated. “Boulder, the sedimentary rock, is officially my new royal bodyguard.”

And with that, Maud left the courtroom, leaving a stunned crowd of ponies in her wake.

Author's Note

Well... after that little stunt, I guess you could say...

...Boulder really rocks.

YEAAAAAOOUUUCCHHH STOP HITTING ME PLEASE

Anyways, I'm going to cut myself off from writing more chapters for now. Otherwise, I'd never get this bloody thing submitted.

Maud's Pimpin' Crib

It was the day after the attempted assassination, and Cadance, Maud, Luna and Twilight were eating breakfast. Celestia was still locked in her room, raving about kittens and bedsheets.

Abruptly, the doors flew open, and Word Twirl stepped in. “Your highnesses.” She said respectfully, bowing.

“Rise.” Maud said simply.

Word Twirl eagerly bounced back to her hooves. “Maud, darling, I have the most fantastic news! Your approval ratings – they’re higher than ever! Astronomical, even! They’re higher than all of the others combined!” Then she coughed, glancing at the other princesses. “No offense, your majesties.”

“None taken.” Cadance said, smiling. “But how could her ratings be so high? I mean, she’s been princess for barely a week now!”

“It’s because of the assassination! Or at least, the attempt!” Word Twirl said, bouncing with excitement. “Someone considers Maud a high enough threat to be assassinated! In other words, she's a seriously big deal!" Word Twirl stopped bouncing momentarily, placing a hoof under her chin in thought. "Or at least, that's what the public thinks. It was more likely the changelings were just expecting Celestia to be in the court that day.”

“Speaking of which, whatever happened to that changeling?” Twilight asked the other princesses.

“It’s in a dungeon cell as we speak.” Luna explained. “We’re trying to get information on who commissioned it to perform the attack, but we haven’t gotten anything out of it.”

“In any case,” Word Twirl continued, “Maud’s unbelievably popular! Now, Maud, darling, I’m going to just bounce some ideas off of you. Tell me what you think sounds good, okay?”

Maud nodded.

“Maud Pie restaurant chain.”

Nod.

“Maud Pie Halloween costumes.”

Nod.

“Maud Pie castle playset.”

Nod.

“Maud Pie kitchen utensils.”

Nod.

“Maud Pie plates, shaped like your face.”

Nod.

As Word Twirl continued down her never-ending list of Maud Pie™ products, Twilight couldn’t help but notice that Maud was even more distant and bland than usual. “Maud? Are you okay?” Twilight said to the princess. “You seem a little-“

“Twilight.” Maud stated, cutting off Word Twirl’s rant. “Meet me in my room.” She stated, before abruptly standing up and trotting off.

“Um… okay! I’ll just run the other twenty-seven pages by you later, okay?” Word Twirl said, waving.

Twilight looked at the other princesses. “I… think I’m going to go check to see if she’s all right.” Twilight said quietly, before exiting her seat and rushing after Maud.

“Did we have a point in this scene?” Luna asked Cadance.

“Hush! Don’t be meta! They hate it when you do that!” Cadance hissed back.

XXXXXXXX

Canterlot Castle prided itself in having over fifty extravagantly decorated guest rooms. As such, it was not much of a sacrifice to turn one of these rooms into Maud’s royal chambers. Prepared exactly to her requests, it barely took a day for the room to become exactly how she wanted it.

“Maud?” Twilight said quietly, peering around the door into the fancy, gilded –

Wait.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh, Maud, I’m so sorry!” Twilight cried, rushing inside. “You must have gotten the wrong room by mistake!”

Indeed, this did not at all look like the room of a princess. It was sparsely decorated, with only the most simple of beds, the plainest of drawers, and a teeny-tiny nightstand with a teeny-tiny lamp. The only signs that they were still in Canterlot Castle at all were the enormous windows high above, and the disproportionately large size of the room.

“I’ll get you to another room right away, and be sure to vaporize whoever-“ Twilight said, before she was cut off by a single word from Maud.

“Home.”

“Maud?” Twilight asked.

“Home.” Maud said, looking at Twilight. “I miss my home. I made this room look like my old room at the farm…” she let out a slightly heavy exhale which might have been a sigh. “…but it just isn’t the same.”

“Oh, Maud.” Twilight said, crawling onto the bed with her fellow alicorn. Maud’s face was emotionless as ever, but it didn’t take Twilight Sparkle’s massive IQ to tell how she was feeling. “I’m so sorry.”

“This new life is great.” Maud said, with a slightly heavy exhale which may have been a sigh. “Whatever food I want… whatever clothes I want… whatever I want, period… it’s nice."

“Too nice."

“I’m a simple pony, Twilight, and I come from a simple way of life.” Maud said, looking to Twilight. “All I ever needed – all I ever wanted – were my rocks and my family. But now… I have so many obligations.”

“The worst part is, I can’t even go home now.” Maud dipped her head ever so slightly. “If I were to go home, to try and live life normally… I’d wind up being assassinated by one of those changelings. Even if I wasn’t, life would still never be the same. It just… I’d never be able to escape… these.” Maud fluttered her wings lightly.

Twilight gently lifted a wing over her friend and pulled her close. “I know how you feel. I felt that way for a long time, myself. I actually was angry with Celestia for turning me into an alicorn.” She looked at Maud. “But do you know how I got through it?”

“How?” Maud asked simply.

“By accepting it.” Twilight said, nodding. “I accepted the fact that this was my life now; that these wings couldn’t be given back. Instead of running away from my fears, I embraced them. You can’t run away, so you may as well… use what you have.”

Maud paused, and the only sound was Twilight’s voice echoing off the walls of the massive room. “You’re not a very good motivational speaker.” Maud said bluntly, the corners of her mouth twitching ever so slightly.

Twilight giggled. “Yeah, I admit I’m pretty darn corny.”

“I see your point, though.” Maud said, bland as she ever had been. “Thank you.”

“It’s not a problem.” Twilight said, smiling. Then she jumped a bit when Maud abruptly stood up. “Where are you off to?”

“Back to breakfast. I didn’t finish. I’m still hungry.” Maud stated as she trotted off.

Twilight shook her head as she followed. “Oh, Maud... you so silly." she said, not noticing the momentary lapse in her grammar.

Author's Note

Because this story's so bloody popular, I decided to whip out another chapter as thanks. Not as much comedy as the others, but hopefully that will be made up for in the bonus. Hit the "next" button!

The Many Lovers of Maud Pie

“What is this.” Maud asked emotionlessly.

“Your mail, princess.” Word Twirl stated, smiling. Next to her sat a massive sack, overflowing with envelopes.

“Who could send me that much mail.” Maud asked in a tone that wasn’t a question, crawling off of her bed and walking over.

“Suitors, of course!” Word Twirl said happily.

“…Suitors.” Maud said blandly.

“Yes! Gentlestallions who wish to court you - to win your heart!” Word Twirl clarified, smiling.

“…No thanks. I’m not in the mood for love.” Maud stated, trotting back to her bed and reopening her book.

“But – but – You must get married, Princess!” Word Twirl said, her voice uncharacteristically desperate. “I mean, it’s tradition! The darling prince and the beautiful princess!”

“And how many other princesses of Equestria currently follow this tradition?” Maud asked, glancing over.

“…well, currently only one.” Word Twirl said, looking down at her hooves. “…but that’s all the more reason for you to be the second!” She cried as she looked back up. “I mean, the press' shipping ratings alone would absolutely skyrocket!”

“I’m sorry, but I really just don’t feel like it.” Maud said, going back to her book.

“Oh, pish posh! Come now! There’s surely a stallion in here which you like.” Word Twirl chirped, trotting back to the bag and rummaging through it with her snout. “Let’s see… Ah, here’s one!” Word Twirl cried, tearing an envelope open and coming back over with a letter clutched in her teeth. “This one’s named Silver Streak. He’s simply dashing, your highness!”

Maud looked at the stallion’s included picture. “No.” She said.

“Right! Okay! Plenty more apples in the bobbing-barrel!” Word Twirl sang, plucking out another envelope and opening it. “Ooh, Steel Skin! This one looks hardy!”

“No.” Maud stated as soon as she saw the picture.

“All good! All good!” Word Twirl said. Pulling out and opening another envelope, she gasped. “Omigosh, Princess, this one’s PERFECT for you! He’s an earth pony, he enjoys rocks, and he even has your surname; he’s named Humble Pie! He’s your soulmate!”

Maud looked at the provided picture for a moment. “He probably has my surname because he is my uncle.” She stated without changing her tone.

“Oh.” Word Twirl paused, looking more closely at the letter. “Oh, why… so he is. My mistake; this one isn’t a suitor’s letter after all. But it doesn’t matter! I’m going to find the perfect stallion somewhere in here, if it’s the last thing I do!”

Maud blinked. “But I already-“ she began, but Word Twirl cut her off.

“Ooh, now this one MUST be perfect…”

XXXXXXXX
Two Hours Later…
XXXXXXXX

“This one?”

“No.”

“This one?”

“No.”

“This one? Please, please tell me it’s this one!”

“No.”

“AAAUUGGH!” Word Twirl finally cried, throwing her hooves in the air. “That’s it! I give up! I’ll never find you a special somepony! We’ve gone through every single one of the bloody envelopes, and you haven’t even given one of them a second thought! I give up! Finite! The end! AUUUGGHHH!” Screaming again, she flopped over onto her side.

Eventually, she got back up, looking back to Maud, who had gotten considerably farther in her book. “Ahem…” she said, clearing her throat. “Deepest apologies, Princess… I got a little… carried away.” She said sadly, looking down at her hooves.

“It’s quite all right.” Maud said, looking at Word Twirl. “In fact, if you’d given me a spare moment, I would have told you that I already have a special somepony.”

“You DO?!” Word Twirl cried, looking up with a huge grin on her face. “Who is it who is it who is it WHO IS IT?!” she squealed as she bounced in place.

Wordlessly, Maud levitated a picture out of a pocket of her frock (she had recently gotten the hang of levitation) and showed it to Word Twirl.

It showed a tan-coated stallion, with a brown hat and a stalk of wheat in his mouth. His eyes looked to the camera with a bored expression, and he had some impressive sideburns.

“Oh.” Word Twirl said, after a few moments of inspecting the picture.

“Oh what.” Maud stated.

“Well, it’s just…” Word Twirl giggled. “Forgive me your majesty, but I thought, with the way you turned all those stallions down… I thought you might be romantically attracted to ROCKS!” She giggled. “But, that was just me apparently.”

Maud looked at the picture. “Oh. My mistake.” She said. “This is my father’s picture, not my boyfriends.” She returned the picture to her pocket and picked out another, checking it this time to be sure. Then she showed it to Word Twirl. “This is a picture of me and my boyfriend.”

The picture showed Maud hugging a large rock.

Word Twirl abruptly fell over backwards, all four legs sticking up in the air. One of them twitched.

“His name is Tom.” Maud said blandly, looking at the photo. “I found him, miserable, after his previous girlfriend dumped him and broke his heart. Fortunately, me and him have had a nice, stable relationship ever since."

Maud looked over at Word Twirl. “Hey… Word Twirl.” She stated. “Y’alright.”

XXXXXXXX

It was a few days after the suitor incident, and a little over two weeks after Maud became princess. All seemed peaceful in Canterlot Castle. Sunlight streamed through the windows in gentle shafts, flickering down upon the Princesses. The five royals sat at the table eating lunch and chatting (with the exception of Maud, of course, but nobody expected her to talk.) By now, Celestia had recovered, and was sane enough to join the others at lunch, much to everyone’s relief. Also, Cadence was still there, due to plot holes blocking up the train railways back to the crystal empire.

Pesky things, those plot holes.

“Your majesties.”

The relative tranquility and murmur of high-pitched voices was interrupted by the deep, baritone voice of a stallion. The five looked over to see a solar guard, standing in the doorway.

“Yes?” Celestia inquired, tilting her head.

The solar guard looked around, before glancing down and scuffing a hoof on the floor. He was unnaturally nervous, which was worrying in itself: the solar guards nearly never showed any emotion, even in front of the princesses. “Um…” the guard mumbled quietly.

“Speak freely.” Luna stated to the guard.

“Well... it’s about the Changeling… the one in the dungeons, that the, um, royal bodyguard captured.”

Instantly, the atmosphere grew more tense, regarding the hostile enemy which was currently in the dungeons. “What happened?” Twilight asked cautiously.

“Erm… well…” The guard stuttered. “It’s… difficult to describe. You’d best all come with me… that is, if it’s all right.”

With a glance at each other, the princesses all got up, and began to follow the guard away, and into the depths of Canterlot Castle…

Author's Note

(le gasp) an actual cliffhanger?! Did Smoker actually develop a sense of dramatic timing?! Or was he just trying to fulfill his self-imposed 1000-word chapter quota? The world may never know...

Anyways, a quick author's warning: the humor is going to get somewhat lessened from here on out. I know, I know, I'm reluctant to do it too, but i have to if this thing called a "plot" is to get going anywhere.

Also, i'm sorry if the main part of this chapter's kind of predictable. I just felt like writing it you see.

P.S. quick bit of credit: The Red Knight (link to his page below) commissioned me (a whopping $0!) to put in a micro-cameo of his OC, named Humble Pie. I already had this chapter in the works, so it was a simple matter to insert his character. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

http://www.fimfiction.net/user/The+red+knight

The Story Starts Here

“Well, we’re here.” Luna commented idly as the alicorn swarm trotted into the dank, stone dungeons after the guard.

“That was a surprisingly fast trip.” Cadence noted.

“Yeah, like we transitioned from one place to the next or something.” Twilight suggested.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Twilight.” Celestia chuckled.

“This is it, your majesties.” Stated the guard, cutting off conversation. The five alicorns stopped, and looked into the cell next to where they had been standing.

There was a silent pause.

“…Well, that’s a nice statue of the changeling, but where’s the actual, captured changeling?” Celestia questioned, tilting her head.

The guard took a deep breath. “Well, as unbelievable as it sounds, your majesties… that is the changeling we captured.”

“Explain-” Luna said promptly, but was cut off by Maud.

“May we enter the cell.” The newest princess stated. “I wish to inspect the statue.”

The guard paused for only a moment, then shrugged. “Yes, your majesty.” He stated obediently as he unlocked and opened the door to the cell.

Maud walked in, but the other princesses hesitated. “Are you sure it’s not dangerous?” Cadence asked the question they all were thinking.

“Well, other than the unlikely possibility of it toppling over and stubbing your hoof,” The guard stated, “No, it’s not dangerous in the slightest.”

The princesses entered the cell, and all of them examined the statue. Sure enough, the changeling in the cell was made of dark grey stone. It sat on its haunches, and its mouth was open, as though it was saying something.

“When did this happen?” Twilight asked.

“Less than an hour ago.” The guard said reluctantly as the princesses turned to him. Most of the princesses, in any case; Maud kept inspecting the statue. “You see, we were trying to coax it into telling us who hired it and all that, but just as we were finally starting to get information out of the changeling… it sort of just… transformed. It was almost like the stone grew from under the skin, like grass sprouting.”

“Hmm…” Twilight said, turning to the statue. Her horn glowed briefly, analyzing what it could. “That’s very weird.”

“What is it, Twilight?” Celestia asked.

“Well…” Twilight turned back to the others. “You know how Discord was trapped in stone, but was technically still alive, to an extent?”

“Yeah – are you saying that this statue’s just trapped in stone like Discord was?” Cadence questioned.

“No – just the opposite, in fact.” Twilight said shakily. “Whereas my scan of Discord after his second imprisonment showed that he was still sort-of alive, that same scan shows that this changeling is dead. Definitely, irrevocably dead.”

The room’s temperature seemed to grow colder, as the information registered that they were in the room with what was essentially a petrified corpse. “But – but how did it die?” Cadence asked. “I mean, if it were alive, I’d assume I was just the same spell we used on Discord, but…”

“You!” Luna cried suddenly, pointing at the guard. “Who exactly was interrogating this prisoner?”

“It… it was me, your majesty.” The guard said reluctantly, his head lowered.

“As I thought.” Luna said, a bit of a triumphant tone in her voice. “And you have a horn, yes?” Luna flicked the guard’s horn. “Indeed,” she said without waiting for a response, “The answer to this is indubitable: this guard is the culprit. Banishment, for a hundred-“

“Stupor Slice.” Celestia cut her sister off. “age 23, weighs 157 lbs, enjoys carrot cake, afflicted with magical impotency.”

At the last part, the guard blushed, looking around nervously as though someone might have heard.

“I beg your pardon, sister?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Those are the statistics of this guard.” Celestia said. “I make it my duty to personally memorize the background checks of all my royal guards, you know.

“Well… are you sure we can’t banish him just a little?” Luna whined. “I mean, he might have been corrupted by greed or something!”

“Luna, this guard has magical impotency.” Twilight said. “He’s probably not very good at casting levitation spells, let alone elements-level petrification spells.” Twilight looked at the guard, realizing what she’d said. “Um… sorry.” She said sheepishly.

“No problem…” the guard replied, having recovered somewhat.

“Well, who else could have done it?!” Luna asked, throwing up her arms. “I mean, the guard was in the bloody room when the victim was petrified! He would have seen someone sneaking in!” Luna glanced at the guard. “Nobody did sneak in, right?”

“Nothing but dust mites, your majesty.” The guard stated.

“a-HA! That is the culprit – evil dust mites, able to petrify anything the touch!” Luna cried triumphantly. Then she gasped. “Oh my gosh, Tia – they could be anywhere! They could be in our lungs at this very moment!”

“For goodness’ sake, Luna, stop jumping to ridiculous conclusions.” Celestia said, rolling her eyes. “There must be more elements to this case that we’re missing.”

“Um, guard… do you mind if I call you Stupor Slice?” Cadence asked the guard.

“Eh, just call me Slice.” The guard said, shrugging nonchalantly.

“Slice, what exactly did the changeling say before he was petrified?” Cadence continued.

“Well…” the guard said, thinking. “For the past few days, he’s said nothing but name, rank and serial number. We finally managed to crack him, though… or at least, I thought I did.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I must have cracked him in a different way than I wanted, because he just started saying gibberish.” The guard said. “He said something that sounded like… ‘It’s theomnus’.”

“Theomnus?” Celestia questioned. “Interesting. What else did he say?”

“That’s it.” The guard said, shrugging. “He said ‘It’s theomnus’ and at that very moment, he was turned to stone.”

“Very odd indeed.” Twilight mused. “Perhaps ‘itstheomnus’ is some sort of verbally activated self petrification spell?”

“Verba-what?” Cadence questioned.

“A spoken spell that turns you to stone.” Celestia clarified.

“Oh… wait, why would he use a spell like that?” Cadence asked.

“Perhaps he wanted to avoid further questioning, and took the coward’s way out.” Luna suggested.

Twilight shivered. “That’s one possibility. But why wouldn’t he turn himself to stone right after he got captured?”

There was a pause as the alicorns thought, before Twilight said, “Let’s look at it from a different angle. What if the changeling was starting to say something, but the petrification cut him off?”

“But why would he spontaneously petrify like that?” Cadence questioned.

“Perhaps…” Twilight paused, and her face paled. “Perhaps by something that could petrify him without even being in the same room as him.”

“Oh, well, now that’s just ridiculous.” Luna said. “Even Celestia and I, heck, even YOU, Twilight – none of us are powerful enough to petrify somepony without at the very least seeing them. And besides, who would have done that in the first place?”

“Someone who… knew that the changeling was cracking… and wanted to stop him from revealing information?” Cadence said in a puzzled tone.

“Interesting… but again, who would do that?” Twilight asked. “This is almost certainly far beyond Chrysalis’ power – does someone else have control over the changelings? Or just this changeling in particular?!”

“It appears we are going around in circles with this discussion.” Celestia stated, drawing the others’ attention. “We have too many questions and no solid answers to any of them, and even if we speculate the answer to one question, that just opens up a dozen more of them. At this rate, I’m not sure we’ll ever-“

Slurp!

Celestia was cut off by an abrupt, loud slurping noise, which sounded almost like it came from the statue. She and the other alicorns turned to the statue, to see Maud standing along side it.

She was licking the statue’s face.

“Maud… what are you doing?” Twilight questioned as Maud licked the statue’s cheek again.

A few more licks, and Maud stepped back, smacking her lips quietly. “Igneous.” She stated.

“What?” Celestia questioned. Maud held up a hoof, though, and the others fell silent.

Maud swished her tongue around her mouth a bit more. “Yes… I had my suspicions, but the taste confirms it. Definitely made of igneous rock.” She stated. “Hmm… no Ignimbrite, that means it probably isn’t fresh… that one would be the poryphrite…”

“Poryphrite? What are you talking about?!” Twilight said, baffled.

“Poryphritic means it’s probably phenocrystals…” Maud mumbled to herself. “…there’s also some feldspar in there…that means it probably came from deep in the crust… No, wait… there’s ignimbrite… but that’s near the top…”

Maud took another lick from the statue. “Yes, definitely ignimbrite… but there’s equal traces of it and the feldspar… somewhere in the middle? But what could… both at once…” Maud’s eyes widened slightly. “An active volcano… yes, that would explain it… pheno’s probably right from the magma resivoir… but where…”

Cadence looked at Twilight, who shrugged, equally confused.

Another slurp. “Wait…” another lick. “Is that… yes, that’s definitely obsidian… cools quickly… Oh, basalt too, that means… wait…”

Maud began to nod her head. “Cools quickly… that doesn’t happen in many places… tropics are warm… needs to come from the cold…”

Her hoof stomped, making the princesses jump. “Filimanjaro.” She stated, turning to the others. “The rock is from mount Filimanjaro.”

“Filimanjaro? But – that’s halfway across Equus!” Cadence said.

“Never mind that – you could tell all that by just tasting the rock?!” Twilight cried out, eyes wide.

The corners of Maud’s mouth lifted into the tiniest of tiny grins. “Top of my class in geological studies. Worked on a rock farm all my life. I’ve eaten every kind of rock in my time – all of them. I’d recognize the flavors anywhere.”

“You’re certain?” Luna asked, as Maud’s face went back to its usual, blank expression.

“Well if I’m wrong, my name will be mud, won’t it.” Maud said blankly, nodding slightly. “In any case, Mount Filimanjaro. Whatever mystery’s going on, I’m confident it’s related to there.”

Maud glanced over her shoulder at the stone changeling.

“And we need to solve this mystery. Fast.”

Author's Note

So yeah. The plot is finally back from its vacation.

Anyways, apologies if i don't manage to get chapters out on a regular basis; It's a combination of college and laziness that's keeping me from writing them all in one sitting, which I really don't want to do anyways. Want to keep people reading for SOME time, y'know?

P.S. Maud is the Batman of rock scientists.

It's an Ant! It's a Lion! It's Sup- no, Wait, it's Not Him Either.

Neighpon, the head island of the Goatian island chain, was not a very well-known island. Despite measuring over 10,000 square miles in surface area, the island received very few tourists.

However, there was one attraction which attracted scientists from across the globe. The island was host to the largest land volcano on all of planet Equus: Mount Filimanjaro.

The volcano was so large, it was technically classified as a mountain. There was no mistake, though, that it was a volcano, and an active one at that. Erupting at least once a year, the mountain covered over 4000 square miles – almost half of the island. It was so tall, that despite the Caldera’s immense heat, the upper slopes of the mountain were coated in snow.

Adding to the island’s unique traits was the fact that it was actually host to a small desert: the Neighponese Desert, one of the hottest deserts on the planet. It was a scientific impossibility, for there to be a desert on such a relatively small volcanic island, but nevertheless, there it was.

To Twilight’s surprise, there certainly was something going on at the island. Despite her best efforts, she could not teleport directly to the volcano; indeed, she couldn’t even magically scan inside of it. The closest she could teleport was to the far edge of the island, and then go on hoof from there.

Which is exactly what she decided to do.

XXXXXXXX

“Thank you! Goodbye!” Twilight called over her shoulder at the goats of Neighpon, who were waving goodbye to Twilight and her companion.

“Yes. Thank you for your hospitality.” Maud stated, barely looking over her shoulder.

Twilight tsked. “Maud, don’t be rude. They housed us for the past two days while we made preparations; the least you could do would be to look at them when you say goodbye.”

Reluctantly, Maud looked over her shoulder. “Goodbye.” She stated blandly, before looking forward again.

“Good enough.” Twilight sighed, as the two began the long trek to the massive volcano looming in the distance. For a few minutes, they walked in silence, the ashen-gray sand of the Neighponese desert crunching under their hooves.

“Remind me again why the other princesses couldn’t come with us on this mission.” Maud asked.

“Celestia said that they had some important princess business which required their attention.” Twilight answered. “Who knows? It may be more important than our quest!”

XXXXXXXX

“BWAHAHAHA!” The princesses laughed at the comedy which was playing on the nearby magivision screen.

“Maud’s new comedy is a riot!” Cadence said to the other two princesses.

“Yeah, she can make anything she says funny.” Luna continued, chuckling.

“Rocks.” Came the bland voice of the Maud Pie reenactor on the screen.

Celestia spewed out popcorn as she burst into hysterical laughter.

“Say, shouldn’t we help those other two with that… thing they were doing?” Cadence asked idly to Luna.

“Meh, maybe after season 4.” Luna replied, holding up a stack of TrotFlix DVDs.

XXXXXXXX

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s important.” Maud stated, looking ahead. “So, did you remember to pack the supplies?”

“Yeah, I have some-“ Twilight said as she levitated open the flap of her saddlebag.

“SURPRISE!”

“Cheese and bagels!” Twilight screamed in surprise, as Pinkie sprang out of her saddlebag, along with confetti and streamers.

“Were you surprised by my surprise?” Pinkie asked happily.

“Pinkie, how – who –“ Twilight stuttered, glancing into her disproportionately small saddlebag. “Why – what-“

“Well, because you guys were too bland and serious, Twily!” Pinkie squeaked happily. “This group needed some wacky comic relief!”

“Don’t call me Twily.” Twilight grumbled. “Yeah, I’m just going to send you back now.”

Her horn fizzled to life, and Pinkie began to glow with Twilight’s magic, but just as quickly the magic field disappeared. “Heehee! That tickled!” Pinkie giggled.

“You can’t teleport here, remember. It’s why we’re walking in the first place.” Maud commented idly.

Twilight sighed. “All right, Pinkie, I guess you can come. Just… try not to be TOO Pinkie, okay?”

“But how can I not be Pinkie? I mean, I AM Pinkie! If I wasn’t Pinkie, then I couldn’t be Pinkie, and that would mean that I couldn’t not be Pinkie and-“

“Stop!” Twilight said, ears pressed back against her head. “just… just stop talking. Please.”

XXXXXXXX

As the clock passed high noon, Twilight, Maud and Pinkie were still walking through the desert quietly.

Of course, quietly did not necessarily mean peacefully.

Pinkie had taken Twilight’s command to stop talking quite literally; she hadn’t said a word since. Of course, this meant that she had to express her boundless enthusiasm in… other ways.

There was a zipping noise and a swirl of dust as Pinkie zoomed up to a cactus. Then she cartwheeled over to a rock. Then she zig-zagged to a small lizard, bending down to watch it slowly crawling across the sand. The lizard was not amused.

Twilight exhaled heavily, wiping the sweat off of her brow as she looked up at the mountain. Despite them walking for hours, it didn’t seem any closer. “I really wish we could teleport.” She mumbled.

She glanced over at Maud. The alicorn was walking so steadily and emotionlessly, she may as well have been a machine, mechanically tromping along through the sandy dunes.

Abruptly, Maud thrust her hoof out in front of Twilight. “Stop.” She stated quietly, somewhat redundantly.

“Why, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked, looking at Maud. The grey hoof raised to cover her mouth.

Maud looked at her. “Be quiet. Follow me.” She stated.

Slowly, Maud made a right turn, and began to trot slowly across the sand. Confused, Twilight followed her. “What’s going on, Maud?” Twilight asked.

“We need to walk around the Antlion’s lair.” Maud said, her tone not changing in the slightest.

Twilight took pause. “Antlion? Lair?” she asked.

“Distoleon tetragrammicus engorgeous: The Greater Antlion.” Maud stated, as though quoting from a book, continuing to walk. “It’s an insect, measuring up to forty feet long, which feeds on large mammals – goats, ponies, deer… even manticores if it can get its jaws on one.”

“B-but where is it? I don’t see it!” Twilight asked, worriedly but quietly, looking around. All she could see was the flat, sandy landscape, along with Pinkie, who was making a sand castle.

Maud continued her whispered biology lesson. “The antlion’s preferred method of hunting: digging a cavern a couple feet below the ground, and when something passes over, it lunges up, snatching the prey in its massive jaws. Prefers to perform this in regions with soft malleable soil… such as sand.”

Twilight gulped. “So… it’s underground? But how did you even know it was there? How do you even know what it is?”

“I felt the vibrations of the grinding sand underneath my hooves change; it began to shift slightly in one direction – the direction of the Antlion’s secret pit. As for how I knew it… well, it’s been the bane of quite a few geologists who do their work in the desert.”

Maud stopped abruptly, and Twilight bumped into her purple tail. Straightening, Twilight looked around. “We’re here. We’re across the pit.” Maud stated. Twilight turned to see that their hooves had actually been going in a gradual semicircle across the land.

“So… that’s it? We just walked around the pit?” Twilight asked. “But… isn’t it going to chase us or something?”

“That’s not the way the antlion works.” Maud told her. “It tends to stay in its den for weeks, even months at a time, patiently waiting for prey to eventually stumble along.”

“Wait, where’s Pinkie?” Twilight asked, looking around nervously. “Oh no! did we leave her-“

“I’m here!” Pinkie squeaked, her pink face appearing upside-down in Twilight’s field of vision. Twilight yelped and reared back, Pinkie tumbling off of her back and onto the ground. “Hee hee!” Pinkie giggled, having apparently finally broken her vow of silence. “What were you guys doing?”

“Avoiding an antlion, apparently.” Twilight said, looking at Maud. As the three began to continue their trek towards the mountain, she continued: “I don’t mean to jinx it girls, but that was almost… anticlimactic. I expected… something, at least.”

“Like I said, the Greater Antlion tends to stay in one place for months.” Maud told Twilight. “It can survive on a single decent meal for nearly half a year. It never leaves its trap unless it’s truly starving.”

“Well, I’m just glad-“ Twilight stated, but was cut off. One moment, Pinkie was standing in her field of vision, on the other side of Maud; the next, she was gone. At the same time, there was a loud THOOM from behind Twilight.

The two whipped around to see the immediate landscape completely changed. Now there was an enormous pit before them, which they rushed back to the edge of. At the bottom of the sandy pit, a truly fearsome sight awaited.

“Twilight! Maud! HELP ME!” Pinkie shrieked, her limbs flailing. Her midsection was clamped by a pair of enormous mandibles. These mandibles were connected to a huge, ugly insect head, which emerged from the sand of the bottom of the pit. The head thrashed about, Pinkie flopping around like a rag doll. Pinkie screamed helplessly.

“Pinkie! Hang on-“ Twilight said, but then Maud was gone too. “Maud, no!” Twilight cried as the second alicorn tore down the side of the huge pit, almost faster than Twilight’s eyes could register.

Maud leaped into the air, and hurtled forward. Wordlessly, she raised her fist and then slammed it forward, right into the Antlion’s chin.

Time slowed for Twilight, it was almost like a picture. The chitin on the Antlion cracked and broke like cardboard under a sledgehammer as Maud’s hoof pounded into it.

There was a chittering screech, and the mandibles loosened. Pinkie squirmed out of them as quickly as possible, and scampered off.

Twilight expected Maud to back off, but if anything, the mare punched even harder, whaling away on the monster. The chitin cracked more and more, until it eventually gave way, revealing the raw, pulsing skin underneath.

Maud didn’t stop there, though.

Twilight winced as Maud smashed her hoof into the creature’s exposed underbelly. Looking away, she quickly leapt and glided through the air over to Pinkie. “Are you okay?” Twilight questioned her friend.

“I’m fine… just a couple bruisies…” Pinkie mumbled, rubbing her sides. Then she gasped. “Is Maud okay?” she asked worriedly.

“She’s fine, she was just-“ Twilight paused. She heard the rhythmic “crunch, crunch, crunch” of Maud pounding on the Antlion turn into more of a “splunch, splunch, splunch.” She turned back to the pit, and beheld a more fearful sight than any monster.

Maud was completely demolishing the monster. Her frock was coated in the green ichor spewing from what was left of the antlion, as was her fur. Still she continued to pound, even though the antlion had long since stopped moving.

That was nothing, though, Twilight could handle that. What truly scared her and made her shiver was the lack of expression on Maud’s face. Twilight would have expected murderous rage, a mad smile, even a grim grin of satisfaction. But Maud looked the same as she always did: emotionless. Even as she punched the Antlion with the force of meteors, slime splattering onto her, her face remained impassive.

Something about it scared Twilight to the core.

“Maud! MAUD!” Pinkie cried, rushing down and trying to pry her sister off of the pulverized corpse. Only at the sound of Pinkie’s voice did Maud’s vicious assault slow, and eventually stop. Gently, Pinkie led her sister up and out of the pit, back to Twilight.

“Here Maud, let me… let me get you cleaned up.” Twilight said quietly, looking at the green gobs of goo still dripping from Maud. Her horn lit up, and the blood of the beast quickly began to vanish into purple sparkles, which rode away with the desert winds.

“Maud… why didn’t you stop?” Twilight questioned quietly.

Maud was silent for a moment, as the last bits of insect gore were cleaned from her frock. “It hurt Pinkie.” She eventually said simply.

With that, Maud began to walk around the side of the pit once more, following the tracks leading around it. With a frightened glance at Pinkie, Twilight followed.

XXXXXXXX

“Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are…” Pinkie repeated for the thousandth time as she laid on her back, staring up at the stars high above them.

Night had fallen on the desert. The three mares sat around a small campfire.

Twilight stared into the flames, ruminating on the earlier attack. She looked over to Maud, who was petting Boulder idly. For the first time, she didn’t just see Pinkie’s sister; she saw an alicorn capable of beating anything in her path, quite possibly including Twilight herself.

“What’s wrong, Twilight.” Maud asked abruptly, causing Twilight to jump.

Twilight looked away. “Nothing.” She said quietly.

There was a pause, before Maud’s monotone voice came again: “What would you do if Spike was kidnapped, Twilight?”

“Come again?” Twilight questioned, looking at Maud.

“What would you do if Spike was kidnapped?” Maud repeated herself.

“I’d…” Twilight paused, imagining the scenario. “I’d tear the planet apart looking for him – and I’d make sure that whoever took him…” she trailed off again. “Oh.”

“Pinkie’s as much my family as Spike is to you, Twilight.” Maud went on, still petting Boulder. “I would fight just as hard as you to keep her, and I’d crush anything that stood in my way.”

Twilight sighed. “I guess I get what you’re saying.” She said quietly.

The fire crackled and flickered as the mares stared into its depths.

Author's Note

So yeah. A relatively somber ending. Apologies, I must be losing my touch.

I apologize for taking a while to come out with chapters. See, I have story ADD; I can't work on one story for too long without thinking of another story and working on it, and it keeps going in a vicious cycle. I'm going to try and get out chapters as fast as I can - I have the rest of the plot planned out and everything - but I'm not sure how long it will take. Sorry.

Also, I kind of hope that I don't need to put a Teen rating on this just because of that one scene. I mean, it's not like i was very graphic, and it wasn't even real blood; just insect goo. Nevertheless, if requested, I will immediately and happily change ratings.

Pinkie, That's not Edible! Spit it out Right Now!

“This has to be the weirdest method of tracking the enemy I’ve ever seen.” Twilight stated, staring at Maud.

“Shh. I need to concentrate.” Maud said, giving the rock she had picked from the ground another lick. “Hmm… no, no, too much sedimentary. The taste of the statue was almost purely igneous. It must have come from deep inside the volcano.”

“If you say so, Maud.” Twilight said, shrugging her… area-where-shoulders-would-be-on-a-human. She walked forward, then paused. “Pinkie?” She asked.

“Mmph hmmbph.” Twilight turned as she heard a noise, and nearly screamed. Pinkie’s mouth was swollen, and cactus needles were sticking out of her lips and cheeks like a pincushion. “Mmm phmmph mmph mmm.” Pinkie mumbled through the large ball cactus in her mouth, a cheery look on her face despite the immensely painful-looking thorns.

“Hang on.” Twilight said, and using her magic, she pulled the huge cactus out of Pinkie’s mouth as delicately as possible.

Once the offending plant was extracted, Pinkie’s smile grew and she started bouncing up and down. “Thanks Twilight!” Pinkie giggled. “I was really really hungry and I tried to eat that giant kiwi but it really hurt because it wasn’t really a kiwi it was a cactus which is sad because kiwis are delicious have you tried kiwis I tried them once because I thought their name sounded funny and they turned out to be really good and-“

“I now partially regret taking that out of her mouth.” Twilight said, trying to pull out the cactus thorns still stuck in Pinkie’s lips.

Pinkie’s ramble was abruptly cut off by what sounded like a lion’s roar. “Oh yeah, I forgot – I’m really hungry.” Pinkie said, smiling.

Twilight rolled her eyes as she finished plucking the thorns from Pinkie’s face. “Pinkie, you could have just asked.” She levitated up her saddlebag. “I have plenty of…”

Twilight looked into the very empty bag.

“food.”

“That is a problem.” Maud stated needlessly, looking into the bag.

“But… how… I haven’t…” Twilight stuttered.

“Oh wait… was that ALL the food you packed?” Pinkie asked. She blushed, smiling sheepishly. “Sowwy…”

“But… but… I had a huge box of bagels in there!” Twilight cried.

“Ate ‘em.” Pinkie said nonchalantly.

“A wheel of cheese!”

“Meunster; my favorite!”

“Pinkie, there were raw eggs in my bag!”

“Hey, don’t look at me. A snake took those when I wasn’t looking! Darn egg-sucking snakes…”

“You ate everything, absolutely everything?!”

“It was my greatest work. I dubbed it, ‘A Midnight Snack’. Copies soon sold at your nearest local bookstore.”

“I can’t believe it…” Twilight said, still staring into the bag.

“Hey, I thought you had more!” Pinkie said. “I mean, I thought for sure that that wasn’t all you brought!”

“Pinkie…” Twilight stated, slamming her hoof into her forehead. “…for starters, where would I be keeping any more food? Up my-“

“But can’t you just make more with your fancy magic?” Pinkie asked.

“Magic doesn’t work that way! I can’t just summon something from nothing! If I could, I wouldn’t have needed to pack food in the first place!” Twilight cried.

“Well, can you… teleport some more in?” Pinkie questioned.

Twilight slammed her other hoof into her face. “If I could use teleportation on the island, we wouldn’t be walking in the first place!” She said, almost screaming.

“Um… can you transmogrifimutatechangemabibble the sand into food?” Pinkie asked, holding up a hoofful of desert sand.

Twilight temporarily detatched her back legs with her magic, then manipulated them so that she could facehoof with all four hooves at once. “I can’t… I… AUUGH!” She cried out.

There was an awkward silence as Twilight’s legs returned back to their normal positions. “So… no food then.” Pinkie said awkwardly.

“What are you talking about.” Maud said in her usual mono-tone. “There’s food all around us.”

Twilight looked around. All she could see was sand, a couple of cacti, the mountain (the base of which was almost right in front of them), and a tumbleweed idly bouncing along the ground. The tumbleweed had an odometer which had quite a few miles on it.

“That plant is due for an oil change.” Twilight said quietly. Then she shook her head. “What food, Maud? I mean, it’s not like we can eat the animals; we’re herbivores!”

Maud picked up a rock from the ground, and ate it.

“Oh no. nonononono.” Twilight said, backing up. “You can’t honestly expect us to-“

“It’s either rocks, sand, or air, Twilight.” Maud said somberly.

“Mmph mmphmm”. Pinkie had gotten another cactus stuck in her mouth.

Rolling her eyes, Twilight began to extract the second cactus from Pinkie’s oversized cheeks. “No, Pinkie. We’re not eating the cacti, either.” She stated.

“It’s really not that bad when you get used to it.” Maud said. “In fact, I find rocks quite delicious.”

“Remember what happened with Princess Celestia, Maud? Normal ponies – I mean, other ponies can’t eat rocks.” Twilight told Maud.

“That’s because she didn’t know how to eat rocks.” Maud said. “It’s all in the mentality. I admit I shouldn’t have started her off with something so hard. Here, try this instead.” Maud held up a light brown chunk of rock. Twilight took it in her magic as Maud said, “Sandstone. Great for beginners to rock-eating. Soft as it comes. Rich in quartz and feldspar.”

Twilight gulped, then looked at Maud. Seeing her unwavering expression, Twilight turned back to the small chunk of rock. She began to levitate it up to her mouth.

“Pinkie, will you please stop the drumroll?!” Twilight said abruptly, looking over her shoulder to Pinkie.

“Party pooper.” Pinkie pouted, putting the massive drum away.

Twilight looked back to the rock, slowly lifted it to her mouth… and took a bite.

There was a dramatic pause.

And then…

“BLECCH!”

Twilight hacked and coughed, scraping the chunks of sand off of her tongue. “That was the worst thing I’ve tasted since the last time I tried cooking for myself!” she cried. “Maud, I’m sorry, but I just can’t-“ she stopped.

“I assume you did not like it.” Maud said quietly, blinking slowly. Her face was covered in sand from Twilight’s spit-take.

“Oh my gosh, Maud, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-“ Twilight paused, her eyes widening, as Maud extended her tongue, and slowly, ever so slowly, dragged it across her face, wiping off all of the sand. “…now I know where Pinkie gets some of her traits from.” Twilight said quietly as Maud’s tongue retreated into her mouth.

“So what are we gonna eat?” Pinkie asked happily.

“Nothing, I guess. We’ll probably starve to death, even if we do catch the bad guy.” Twilight said, laying down on her stomach.

“Are you sure we can’t-“

“NO, Pinkie!” Twilight almost yelled. “We’re not eating the-“ she stopped, blinking. “Cacti…” she said quietly. Then she leapt forward. “Pinkie, you’re a genius!” She cried, hugging the pink glutton.

“No I’m not. I’m a pony. Neiggh!” Pinkie said happily.

“C’mon!” Twilight said, rushing over to a nearby ball cactus. Pinkie and Maud followed.

“If I’m not mistaken…” Twilight said quietly. With a magical blast, she zapped off the top of the cactus, and looked inside the hollow plant. “Yes!” she cried victoriously, seeing the shimmering inside. “We’re saved, girls!” She called back.

“What is it.” Maud said blankly as she and her sister approached.

“Water! Glorious water!” Twilight cried. “Cacti have to store as much water as they can, you see – rain is so sparse in the desert, they have to soak up as much as they can! As such, they are absolutely filled to the brim with water!”

“Um, Twilight?” Pinkie said. “That’s good and all, but we’re kind of looking for food, not water.”

Twilight paused. She looked at the cactus again.

“Oh, phoo.”

Author's Note

As a celebration for this story recieving over 500 likes, I've posted a second chapter today! (Don't expect this to be a regular occurance unless you like dissapointment.)

Seriously, though. 500 likes. Wow. That's over double as high as my next highest-rated story. You guys have no idea how much this means to me; thank you so much. Seriously. Major props. 5 stars. A plus. Gold sticker. Extra life.

The Gravity of the Schist-uation

“All you gotta do is move your little rump! All you gotta do is give it a hop, skip and a jump! She’s an evil enchantress, who does evil dances…”

Twilight groaned once more. “Maud, how much longer until the top of the mountain? I don’t know how much more of this 'Greatest Hits of Pinkie Pie' song I could stand.”

Maud looked back at Twilight over her shoulder. “We’ve only been climbing for ten minutes.” She stated bluntly.

Twilight looked past Maud up the mountain to see that they’d barely made any progress climbing up the mountain at all. She groaned again, continuing to climb the sheer cliff face, relying on her earth-pony-stamina to keep her strong and aware.

“…and she’ll gobble you up in a big tasty stew, so watch-watch-watch-watch-watch out!”

“Pinkie…” Twilight said.

“Watch-watch-watch-watch-watch out!”

“Pinkie!” Twilight said more firmly.

“Watch-watch-watch-watch-watch watch-watch-watch-watch-watch watch-watch-watch-watch out!”

“UUUUGGH.” Twilight grumbled as Pinkie moved on to the Pony Polka. “Maud, remind me once again why we’re climbing the mountain at all? I thought you said theomnus or whatever the hell it is was inside the volcano.”

“Memorized the interior structure of the volcano before we got here. It was in my geology books.” Maud stated. “Only way in is through a downward-sloping cavern at the top.” Upon hearing yet another groan from Twilight, she added, “Only another two days’ journey to the top.”

“What?!” Twilight cried. “But it took us two days to get here!”

Upon not receiving another response from Maud, Twilight sighed and continued to climb as Pinkie looped her song, going back to the beginning, “Giggle at the ghosties”.

XXXXXXXX

The vulture’s keen eyes scouted the landscape far below it, searching for a potential meal. It was quite hungry, as it had not eaten in a few days.

The carrion bird was startled when a grey hoof suddenly, smoothly pulled over the cliff. Squawking, the bird flew off to find another perch, as Maud Pie coolly climbed up onto the ledge. “Everyone all right.” She stated, looking behind her.

“guuh… huuuh…. huuh…” Twilight gasped, barely dragging herself over the edge of the cliff. “gugh… ugh…” she gurgled as she flopped down onto the rock, sweating like a pig.

“Phew! What a workout!” Pinkie said, also climbing up onto the cliff. For some reason, she now had on her exercise gear.

“That must’ve been two hours straight of climbing!” Pinkie said happily, not even breathing heavily. “And to think we’re probably not even a tenth of the way there!”

“Can we… take… a break…” Twilight gasped and puffed.

“I suppose. Just for a bit.” Maud stated. “We still have a ways to go before dark after all.”

“Hey, look! I can see my house from here!” Pinkie said. Her exercise gear had disappeared to somewhere or another, and she stood at the very edge of the cliff.

“Pinkie, be careful not to lose your balance.” Maud said blandly.

“Are you kidding, Maud?” Pinkie said, turning to her sister. “I’m the most balanced balancer who ever balanced!” To prove her point, Pinkie stood on her hind legs, waving her forelegs around. “Look, Ma! No front hooves!” she giggled.

Meanwhile, the before-mentioned vulture was circling around idly, still looking for food, when he spotted the pink pony’s precariously perched position. Now, Vultures and other carrion birds nearly never attack. Nature never designed them to attack, just to rip and tear what was already attacked.

When a vulture such as this one sees a potential meal, though – such as, for example, a tasty entrée just waiting to be scrambled on the desert sand far below – They do, on desperate occasion, give that potential meal a little nudge in the right direction.

That said, the vulture swooped into position, and, just as Pinkie leaned a bit in the right direction, dove down, and flapped its wings in her face.

The maneuver only took about two seconds, but it had the desired effect. Even as the vulture flew off, the disoriented Pinkie’s center of gravity went just a smidgen too far. “Whoa – WHOA!” Pinkie cried, her forelegs windmilling around.

“PINKIE!” Twilight screamed, trying to light up her horn, but it was too late.

Pinkie screamed as she fell headfirst off of the cliff, hurtling downwards to her imminent demise. And as she fell, Pinkie continued to scream…

…and scream…

…and scream…

It took almost thirty seconds of continuous screaming for Pinkie to realize that she actually wasn’t falling, but staying in place, suspended upside-down. Confused, she opened her eyes and looked up (or was it down?) over her chest, to see Maud’s hoof latched on to her hind leg, in a grip of iron.

With strength unimaginable, Maud literally pulled her sister from the brink of death. After several tense moments, she had successfully dragged Pinkie Pie back onto the cliff.

“Phew!” Pinkie said, smiling as she got back to her hooves. “Thanks a million, Maud! I thought I was done fo-“

SLAP!

It took a second for Pinkie to realize her head had snapped to one side. It took another for her to register the stinging pain in her cheek. She looked forward again to see Maud’s hoof still in the air.

“Maud…” Pinkie said quietly. “You slapped me? But… but…”

“What were you thinking.” Maud stated, a surprising amount of emotion in her voice. Still only a smidgen of feeling, but a surprising amount nonetheless. “You almost died.”

Before Pinkie could respond, Maud hugged her tightly. “Don’t do that again. Don’t ever do that again.” Maud said quietly. “I don’t want to lose you, Pinkie. Not for anything, and especially not for something as stupid and petty as that.”

“Maud…” Pinkie whispered sadly, hugging her sister back as her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry…”

There was silence for a few seconds while the sisters embraced. This silence was broken when Twilight suddenly spoke up. “Well! I’m feeling refreshed now. What say we keep going?” The group’s eldest alicorn stated, swinging her hoof in false cheer.

After a pause, Maud nodded. “Agreed.” The grey mare turned away from her sister, and to the cliff face leading up the mountain. “Use the same footholds that I do, as before.” Maud stated, before beginning to climb, followed by Twilight, and Pinkie in the rear.

Twilight tried her hardest to ignore the quiet sobbing coming from below her.

XXXXXXXX

The rain poured over the desert. It was a rare occurence, but it still happened on occasion.

Twilight didn’t notice, though: she was fast asleep. She, Maud and Pinkie had been fortunate enough to stumble across a cave earlier, not long before the rain started. After a bit of chatting around the campfire (“I never knew you could make fire from rocks!”), they’d settled in for the night.

A loud boom of thunder jolted Twilight awake. “Ugh. Really?” She mumbled, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah, like I’m gonna get back to sleep now.” She grumbled, lying on the rock floor.

She looked over at the sleeping form of Maud, then over at the-

Empty spot.

“Pinkie?” Twilight whispered, eyes widening. She looked around the small cave, then to the entranceway of the cave, which was pitch black in the night.

Suddenly, lightning flashed just outside the cave, illuminating everything for a brief moment… including the curly-haired silhouette sitting in the cave’s entrance.

“Pinkie?” Twilight whispered again, standing up and walking over to the cave’s entrance. As she got closer, she saw it was indeed her good friend, who sat by the entrance of the cave quietly.

“Pinkie, what are you doing?” Twilight questioned, sitting down next to the earth pony. “You should be asleep right now. You’ll need your rest for when we-“

“I’m not going with.”

Twilight paused. “Sorry?” She questioned, sure she had misheard.

“I’m not going with you guys.” Pinkie said in a very somber voice, turning to Twilight. In the faint light her eyes had adjusted to, Twilight saw the rain trickling down Pinkie’s face, as well as the two rivulets of tears coming from the corners of her eyes.

“What do you mean, Pinkie?” Twilight questioned. “You can’t just-“

“I’m leaving. I’m crawling down back the cliff and I’m leaving.” Pinkie said, looking back out over the dark horizon. “I’ve been nothing but a burden on you guys. I triggered that Antlion, I ate all your food, I’ve bothered you nonstop, I’ve nearly gotten myself killed – I’m nothing but a nuisance and a bother.”

“Oh, Pinkie…” Twilight sighed. “…don’t be stupid. What makes you think we care about any of that?”

Confused, Pinkie looked back up to her good friend.

“You are Pinkie Pie. The same mare who helped defeat Discord, Nightmare Moon, and all the rest. The mare who doesn’t back down from anything, who literally laughs in the face of danger. The mare who has the ability to make even the most depressed pony laugh. You are Pinkie Pie, and I know you’re better than this.”

Twilight smiled. “The Pinkie Pie I know doesn’t give up on anything, and she sure as socks doesn’t abandon her friends, even in the middle of a mission. You may not be the element of loyalty, but you’d go through the pits of Tartarus with a smile on your face if it meant saving a friend.”

Pinkie sniffled. “You think so?”

Twilight giggled. “Oh, Pinkie, of course I don’t think so… I know so.” Twilight hugged her friend tightly. “Friends stick together, Pinkie. Remember that. Now c’mon, you need your rest. We have a lot of climbing to do tomorrow – the upwards variety.”

Twilight retreated back into the cave, and with a newly refreshed smile, Pinkie hopped after her.

Author's Note

Title of chapter credited to NINJA-PON3.

Volcanic Caverns are Magic

“Hey! Where did all the mountain go?” Twilight asked.

“We reached the top.” Maud said to Twilight, who was staring deliriously into the sky.

“What, seriously?” Twilight said, looking around. Sure enough, there was no more mountain to climb. The three ponies sat on a ledge overlooking the vast island below them, and across the island, the sea sparkled and glimmered.

“We did it… we did it!” The exhausted Twilight cheered, before bursting into hysteric song. “Weeee are the champiooons, my frieeee-“

“NO!” Pinkie said, shoving her hooves into Twilight’s mouth. “Sorry, but please don’t sing that song…” she said. “It brings back memories of… Dashcon…” Pinkie shivered fearfully.

“Dash-what?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, nothing, nothing!” Pinkie said, happy once more. “So! Now that we’re here, where’s the entrance?”

“It should be around here somewhere.” Maud said in her usual drone. “Let’s look.”

“Ooh, glowy!” Pinkie said, sitting down and staring into a vast chasm. Now that Twilight looked around, she saw that they sat not on a plateau, but on a rim between the slope of the mountain, and the edge of the volcanic crater.

Peering into the crater at the center of the peak, Twilight saw a massive pit, filled with lava.

“We have to go down there?!” Twilight cried.

“No.” Maud replied. “According to memory, the entrance to the mountain should be located somewhere on the lip of the crater. We should circle around, and look for it. Pinkie, you search counter-clockwise – Twilight and I will go around clockwise.”

“Okie dokie loki!” Pinkie said, before hopping off around the crater of the volcano.

Maud and Twilight walked round the other way. All was silent for about a minute of walking, before Maud suddenly spoke. “Something’s not right.”

“What?” Twilight asked, looking over at Maud.

“This whole journey… it’s felt like something is off.” Maud stated. “I mean, we couldn’t teleport directly to the volcano for one, and you couldn’t use your magic to scan inside the volcano. But also, do you remember the antlion?”

Twilight shivered. “Like I could forget.” She replied.

“Well, do you remember how I told you that the Antlion only attacked when something walked right over its pit?” Maud began. Twilight nodded. “Well, we didn’t walk over its pit – and yet it attacked anyways. Why? It went out of its way just to attack us – very unnatural behavior for an antlion.”

“What are you saying, Maud?” Twilight questioned.

“I… I don’t know what I’m saying.” Maud stated, a hint of confusion in her voice. “Again, it’s just a hunch, but… this entire journey, it’s almost like something’s been-“

“Found it!” Pinkie cried, suddenly right next to them.

“Gah!” Twilight cried. “Jeez, you think I would get used to that…” She continued, holding a hoof to her chest. “Anyways, what were you about to say, Maud?”

“…Never mind. It was just a thought.” Maud said, looking away.

Twilight shrugged. “If you’re sure… Okay, Pinkie, take us to the entrance.”

“Roger that!” Pinkie chirped before bouncing off, Maud and Twilight following.

After another few minutes of trotting along, Pinkie suddenly stopped. “Here it is!” she said.

Twilight looked where Pinkie pointed, and saw a section of the lip which seemed rougher than the rest. “Nice work, Pinkie.” She said, and began to levitate the rocks out of the way.

Or, at least, she tried.

“Something wrong, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

“No, I… I must still be tired.” Twilight said. “I just can’t get a grip on these rocks.”

Twilight lit up her horn once more, but once again, it was like her magic just slipped off of the rocks, like water off a duck’s back. “Darnit!” she grumbled, straining herself as she tried to wrap a magic field around the mass, but it just wouldn’t stabilize.

“Twilight, let me.” Maud said, trotting over to the rocks. The former earth pony stared hard at the rocks, before reaching out a hoof and tapping several of them in turn. Finally, she laid her hoof on one of the rocks, and almost instantly, she jutted her hoof forward, shattering the rock like a sugar cube.

There was a rumble, and the entire mass of rocks fell away, revealing a passage that they had been blocking off. “Watch your step.” Maud stated as she fluttered lightly down into the pit.

Twilight blinked, before shaking her head. “Just Maud being Maud, I suppose.” She mumbled to herself, before following Maud down.

After a few seconds of careful fluttering, Twilight reached the caved-in mass of rocks, at the bottom of the passage. Maud waited patiently for her, at the entrance to a long, dark, downwards-sloping tunnel.

“Wait… Pinkie?” Twillight asked, looking behind her.

Then there was a “Wheeeee!” and Pinkie landed in the tunnel. Her body deformed like a ball of jello squishing against the ground, before going back to normal. “That was fun!” Pinkie said, grinning widely and trotting off down the corridor. Twilight followed, not even fazed by Pinkie’s apparent lack of bones.

XXXXXXXX

In the dark tunnels of the volcanic caves, it was impossible to tell how much time had passed. Still, it felt to Twilight that they had been walking for hours, down the gently curving, sloping passage, which wound around the mountain’s molten core like a spiral.

If not for the pink-ish magic from Twilight’s horn, and the pale blue magic from Maud’s, the tunnel would have been pitch black. As it was, the group could only see in a small radius around them. In this eternal darkness, their eyes somehow never seemed to adjust – indeed, the tunnel only seemed to grow darker and darker the further they went down.

There was a slight quiver in the magic light, and Twilight turned to see a disconcerting sight. Maud was shivering. It was fairly slight, but the mare was definitely quivering nervously.

“Maud? You okay?” Twilight asked.

“Twilight, I feel it again.” Maud stated.

“Feel what?” Pinkie asked.

“It feels llike… someone’s watching us.”

Twilight looked around. “Maud, we’re in a secret tunnel, in the heart of a volcano, that’s located on a mostly-deserted island. Who the heck could possibly-“

And then the tunnel came to life.

Without any warning, the walls of the tunnel abruptly lunged inwards, forming tendrils which grasped for the trio.

“RUN!” Twilight cried redundantly, and the three sprinted down the corridor, the cavern behind them collapsing as they ran.

Suddenly, though, Twilight couldn’t move. She looked down to see her hooves sinking into solid stone, as though it was quicksand. She tried to blast the rocks to bits, but to her horror found that her blasts bounced right off.

At this point Twilight’s legs had been completely absorbed, her body soon to follow. “Help!” she cried to the other girls, only to behold a terrible sight.

“Whee!” Pinkie said as tendrils curled around her, dragging her upwards until she was absorbed into the ceiling.

Maud was trying her best, but even she was struggling. For every tendril she literally punched into bits, three more were waiting to try and snatch her up. Eventually, the tunnel just caved in around her, and Maud disappeared from view.

“No!” Twilight screamed, and tried to move, but now she was embedded up to her neck in the solid stone. Like a nightmare, she was pulled into the ground, and everything went black.

Author's Note

I have returned!

Apologies for this chapter taking so long. Winter break is distracting as heck.

Anyways, sorry if this chapter's kind of weak. It's largely a transition chapter, from one place to the next. Hopefully, the next chapter will be stronger.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? Two full-length chapters in one day! Consider this my apology for taking so long to update.

As always, if you spotted any errors, let me know in the comments. Thx! Love you guys!

When Monologues go Wrong

“Twilight.”

plink.

“Twilight!”

plink.

...

CRASH!

Twilight jerked up as a deafening noise penetrated her eardrums. Shocked, she looked to see a huge chunk of rock in front of her.

Behind a set of bars.

Curious as to why a rock would be caged, Twilight looked around, only to see bars on the other sides of her as well. The rock wasn’t in a cage – she was in a cage!

“That works too. Good work, Maud.” Came Pinkie’s voice, and Twilight looked to see her two traveling companions nearby, also in cages.

“What happened?” Twilight asked her traveling companions.

“Your guess is as good as ours, Twily!” Pinkie said, cheerful even though she was trapped in a cage.

“Maud, can you break us out of here?” Twilight asked. “C’mon, these cages are rock – that’s your specialty!”

“Actually, these cages are made of a mineral – carbon, to be precise.” Maud said, rubbing a hoof along a bar of her cage. “under high pressure for many years, the carbon has been pressurized into solid diamond –the hardest substance on the planet. Even I can’t break this – not without help.”

“Diamond? Are you kidding me?!” Twilight cried, expecting the shiny bars of her cage. “Who the heck makes cages out of solid diamond?!”

“Not who, but what.” Came an unfamiliar voice, and light suddenly blasted into the darkened area.

Twilight’s eyes overloaded, and she squinted them shut. Blinking furiously, she managed to regain sight, and looked around. She now could see the area properly, and realized that they were in a fairly small cavern. She looked up to see a crystal radiating a bright light, which illuminated the cavern.

Twilight turned to see a pair of insects. Very large insects. “Changelings.” Twilight growled, her eyes narrowing.

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about them. They’re just here to make sure you don’t get… antsy.” Said the voice. Twilight looked around; the changelings hadn’t spoken the words, and the voice certainly wasn’t that of Pinkie or Maud.

“Who are you? Why are we here? Show yourself!” Twilight cried out.

“As you wish.”

As abrupt as a surprise party, sand began to swirl around the room. Twilight covered her eyes as she saw the sand thicken and coalesce at the center of the room. Slowly, a figure began to take shape. A figure that was certainly not pony or changeling.

The creature was so bizzare, Twilight didn’t know how to describe it. The closest thing she could compare it to was a centaur of myth – a creature said to have the body of a horse, but instead of a head, there sprouted the torso of a mythical creature – a human.

This creature looked vaguely like a centaur, and yet nothing like it. It had six insectoid legs, connected to a segmented insect body. In place of an insect head, though, there sprouted sprouted a human-like torso, which bore thick arms that ended in massive pincers. The head was completely alien – diamond shaped, with massive jaws and four piercing red eyes. Finally, it bore a massive scorpion tail, complete with a stinger dripping a sickly green venom.

The strangest thing of all, though, was that the creature seemed to be made of rock. As it moved, there was a sound like rocks scraping against one another, and sand seemed to stream from its legs onto the floor.

“Perfect.” The scorpion-like creature said. “All according to plan.”

“Plan?” Twilight questioned. “What plan? Who are you, even?”

“My name… I have had a good few names.” The monster muttered. “I was once a changeling, named Thorax. Now, however, I have ascended. I have transcended beyond the mortal concept of names. I have grown more powerful than-“

“Hey, guys, look!” Came an abrupt cry. Twilight, Maud and Thorax turned to see Pinkie. Pinkie held up a skeletal pony head, the bones bleached with age. “I just found this guy in my cage with me!” Pinkie said, holding up the head.

“Hey, hey! This reminds me of a joke!” she cried. “Why was the skeleton miserable when he was at the prom?”

There was an awkward silence. “Can I continue now?” requested Thorax.

“Because he had no body to dance with!” Pinkie cried, before rolling over and laughing hysterically, her little legs waving in the air.

“…right then.” Said Thorax, who turned back to Twilight. He raised a claw, and opened his mouth, only to pause. “Son of a...” Said Thorax, reaching behind his back and pulling out a list.

“Let’s see here…” Thorax muttered as he placed a pair of reading spectacles over two of his eyes. “good few names… yadda yadda… transcended… ah! Here!” he said, poking a spot on the paper with his claw.

Thorax continued speaking. “I have grown more powerful than any mortal being upon this planet. I have been granted power over all Equus. Everything under the surface obeys my command, be it rock, sand, magma, or-“

“Wait, is that a script?” Pinkie said, peering over Thorax’s shoulder. “You actually made a script for your evil speech?”

“STOP INTERRUPTING MY MONOLOGUE!” Thorax roared at Pinkie. “How did you even – you’re out of your cage! What on-“

“Because really, this is a really cheesy villain speech.” Pinkie continued. “You think you could spend more than five minutes thinking up your big dramatic reveal?”

“Hey, I worked hard on this!” Thorax growled. Then he shook his head. “I mean… Silence, whelp! You don’t know who you’re dealing with! Back in your cage!”

“Okay, okay, sheesh.” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes as she disappeared. Thorax turned to see Pinkie, once more sitting in her cage. “Touchy, aren’t you?” she asked.

Thorax stared at Pinkie, before shaking his head. “All right, where the heck was I…” he muttered. “Oh, yeah. Omnus has granted me power beyond imagining, and even now he isn’t yet at full strength. We shall-“

“Wait, Omnus?” Twilight asked. “Who’s Omnus?”

Thorax roared, so loudly that it shook the cavern and caused silt to rain from the ceiling. “Anyone else?!” he cried. “Anyone else want to interrupt me? Speak or forever hold your bloody peace!”

There was silence in the cavern.

“Good.” Thorax turned back to the paper, only to sigh. “Forget it. The mood’s gone.” He grumbled, crunching up the paper and throwing it over his shoulder. “Omnus is going to remove the cancer that is life from this world, and return it all to rock and dust, the way it was billions of years ago. Okay? Okay.”

“Wait, what do you mean? How is he going to-“

“Forget you guys. I’m going home.” Thorax grouched, storming out of the cavern. “Totally ruined the moment… little pink…” he muttered as he skittered off down the hall.

There was an awkward silence in the room. “What was that all about?” Twilight asked.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the cocoon.” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes.

Twilight looked at the crumpled up paper on the floor. “Hmmm.” She hummed, before lighting up her horn. The crumpled paper levitated over to her, and she unwrapped it, reading the contents.

“Exposition dump.” Twilight said, reading the title of the paper. She then read over the paper, and her eyebrows raised. “Huh.” She said. “There’s actually informative stuff in here about this ‘Omnus’ guy’s plans.”

Twilight continued, “Apparently, Omnus is an ancient life form which has existed since the beginning of the planet – in essence, he IS the planet. He has grown tired of how ponies ‘pollute’ and ‘infest’ the surface surface, so he plans to use his immense power to end ponykind once and for all! He’s going to use his power to wipe us off the face of the earth with an earthquake of cataclysmic, global proportions!”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as Twilight continued, and even Maud looked ever-so-mildly shocked. “He actually mind-controlled the changelings and other insects to serve him, because they are the oldest, most basic forms of life on this world, and as such are the only ones he’s willing to associate with.”

“Ohhh.” Pinkie said. “This is much more informative than if he’d taken an hour explaining it to us!”

“That’s not all.” Twilight said. “It reads that the changeling which attacked all that time ago – the one which was turned to stone – It was sent to capture Celestia. The magic of an alicorn is needed for the Omnus to awaken.”

“The Omnus.” Maud said suddenly yet blandly. “TheOmnus. ‘It’s The Omnus.’ That’s what the changeling said when the guard interrogated him.”

“Yeah, exactly!” Twilight said, reading onward. Then her face turned pale. “Oh dear.” She said.

“What?” Pinkie asked nervously.

“It basically says that The Omnus’ power has waned over the countless years, and he requires the life blood of an alicorn to be spilled in sacrifice to him, in order to restore him to full strength! It says something about absorbing her power through blood… it doesn’t exactly say how the process works. Seems a bit abstract if you ask me.”

“So… he’s going to kill one of us.” Maud said, still monotone despite her words. “Either Twilight or me.”

“But I don’t want either of you to die!” Pinkie said, clutching the bars of her cage.

“And we’re not going to.” Twilight said confidently. “We’re going to escape. We just need to…”

“Excuse me.” Stated Thorax.

“Gah!” Twilight said, jumping. “When did you get here?”

“Just now.” Thorax said happily. He seemed much more cheerful now. “Anyways, guess what time it is!”

“Party time?” Pinkie asked, grinning widely.

“No.”

“Snack time?”

“No.”

“Nap time?”

“No.”

“Dinner Time?”

“Closer.” Thorax stated, before raising his arms. “Iiiiit’s sacrifice time!”

“Yaaaaay!” Pinkie cried, jumping up and down.

“Pinkie!” Twilight said indignantly.

“What?” Pinkie asked, smiling at Twilight obliviously.

“We’ve been in cages for all of five minutes. It’s already time for the sacrifice?” Maud asked.

“Yeah!” Thorax said. “We don’t want to risk you guys escaping, now do we?”

“No… No we don’t…” Twilight muttered, as Thorax and the two changeling guards picked up a cage each, and carried them into the darkened tunnels.

Author's Note

Annnd here's the second chapter!

I was actually planning to just do a generic villain monologue in this chapter, but then I thought, "screw that! I want to be funny! And somewhat unique!"

Apologies for the massive exposition dump. It sounded better in my head as I was mentally writing the plot.

On another note that I've been meaning to get to for a while, thanks again for all the favorites! I'd thank you all individually, but there are hundreds of you who have favorited! And so, all I can leave is this general message: to everyone who favorites this story, THANK YOU SO MUCH. You guys are the best fans I could ask for.

Here's hoping the next chapter doesn't take another month! (it probably won't. I hope.)

The Big Finale

“Twilight.” Maud whispered as the three were ferried along in their cages. “Can’t you use your magic. Blast us out of these cages.” Somehow, despite her whispering, the whispers still maintained the monotone quality of Maud’s voice.

“I could if this was normal rock,” Twilight responded from her cage on Thorax’s back, “but this rock, these cages… I think Omnus is affecting them. Magic does nothing!”

“Are we there yet?” Pinkie asked the changeling her cage was on. “I’m bored.”

“Pinkie, are you crazy?!” Twilight hissed. Then she rolled her eyes. “Silly question.” She muttered, before continuing. “We’re about to die, Pinkie! Can’t you at least acknowledge that fact?!”

“Silly Twilight. We’re gonna be fine!” Pinkie replied to her.

“No we’re not! Pinkie, there’s no way we could possibly escape! We’ve lost…” Twilight said hopelessly.

“What kind of talk is that?” Pinkie said. “You’re not the Twilight I know! Twilight would never give up on her friends, no matter how bleak the situation!”

“I don’t want to give up, Pinkie – truly, I don’t.” Twilight said quietly. “But think about it – my magic is essentially nullified, Maud’s strength can’t break these diamonds, and it’s not like we can escape these…” Twilight trailed off, her eyes brightening. “Pinkie, that’s it! Escape from your cage, like you did when Thorax read his speech! Get help or something!”

“Uh… heh heh…” Pinkie said, rubbing the back of her head. “I can only do stuff like that when it’s a funny situation. I don’t see any excuses for jokes now, though…”

“Speaking of Thorax, he’s been awfully quiet.” Maud said, peering at the large figure at the front of the miniature parade.

“What else is there for him to say? We’re doomed.” Twilight mumbled, sinking to the floor of the cage.

A pink hoof slapped Twilight across her face. She looked up to see Pinkie’s unnaturally extendable hoof retracting into her cage. “You just stop that depressing talk right now, missy-moo!” Pinkie cried. “We are NOT going to die! And you know why?”

“…why?” Twilight asked hesitantly, knowing the answer would make little sense.

“Because we’re the main characters! And the main characters never die!” Pinkie said with a squeaking smile.

“Yep. No sense at all.” Twilight throught to herself, burying her face in her forelegs.

“We’re heeee-rrre!” Thorax said jovially, as excited as a realtor introducing people to their new home. Sure enough, they had reached a massive archway, out of which orange light poured.

The procession walked through the archway into the chamber beyond, and Twilight’s breath caught in her throat. It was beautiful… and terrible.

Suspended in the middle of the enormous chamber was an orb of cracked stone, the size of a huddled-up ursa minor. It was suspended by massive tendrils of rock, which seemed to grow from the orb and slowly twist and interweave with each other, eventually reaching into the solid rock walls. Orange light flowed from the cracks in the orb and tentacles, and the entire structure seemed to pulse in a rhythmic fashion.

“It’s like a heart.” Twilight through to herself. “The heart of the world.”

At first glance, Twilight thought the outer walls of the chamber were black, but upon closer inspection, she noticed with mild revulsion that the black surfaces of the walls were shifting and moving – Changelings, thousands of them, crawling along the walls and over each other like bees in a hive.

“So!” Thorax said as the cages were set down. “I’m a benevolent fellow, and so I will allow you a great courtesy. You may choose which one of you gets sacrificed.”

“I’ll do it.” Said both Maud and Twilight simultaneously. Then the two looked at each other.

“If he’s going to sacrifice an alicorn, he’ll sacrifice me.” Maud said blandly.

“No, Maud, it’s not your responsibility.” Twilight said.

“It’s not yours either. I want to. If it means protecting Pinkie.”

“Maud, you never asked for any of this! You never asked to become an alicorn, you never asked for this power! I should be the one to be sacrificed!”

“You never asked to be an alicorn either. What’s your point.” Maud stated.

Twilight fumbled for a moment, before saying “If you die, who’ll watch over Pinkie!”

“You will. I have faith in you.”

Twilight’s eyes teared up. “Maud…”

Maud turned to Thorax. “Sacrifice me.” She said simply.

“No! Me!” Twilight said. “I’m the one to be sacrificed! I’ve been an alicorn longer, I have more power!”

“I have more meat on my bones.” Maud noted.

“What does that have to do with anything?!” Twilight questioned, exasperated.

“He’ll want to eat the one that’s fatter and jucier. I’m fatter than you.” Maud said, still expressionless.

“What… that…” Twilight paused. “That… doesn’t… uggggh!” She turned back to Thorax. “No, I’m fatter!”

“I’m morbidly obese.”

“Look at Maud! She’s all muscle from working on a farm! I just laze around in a library all day! I’m totally pudgy! Sacrifice me!”

“I have more protein in me. From rocks.”

“Enough!” said Thorax. “I’m just sacrificing this one.” His claw phased through the bars of one of the cages, and pulled out-

“Pinkie?!” Twilight cried. “But – but you said that you needed to sacrifice an alicorn! And you told us we could choose which one you sacrifice!”

“Well, I’m largely just killing this one out of spite, because she’s annoying.” Thorax stated, as he held Pinkie by her neck.

“Hey guys look! I can touch my nose with my tongue!” Pinkie said, before sticking her tongue out to touch her nose.

“See?” Thorax continued. “And as for you choosing… well, I never said I’d actually sacrifice the one you chose.”

“You dirty bug!” Twilight cried. “You’ll never get away with this!”

“Ah, cliché hero line number 546.” Thorax pointed out. “Allow me to respond with cliché villain line number 436: ‘I already have.’ Anyways, where was I?”

“Sacrificing me.” Pinkie pointed out.

“Ah, yes.” Thorax said, but was cut off by a loud BANG.

Everyone looked to see Maud rear back and SLAM her hoof into her cage bars again. The bars didn’t even dent.

“Cute. You keep on trying to escape while I sacrifice your sister, ‘kay?” Thorax said as he walked over to a stone table with chains embedded in it and began to force Pinkie into its stone cuffs.

“Twilight.” Maud whispered to Twilight.

“What?” Twilight said fearfully.

“I’ve located a weak point in one of the bars of the cage, but I’m still not strong enough.” Maud whispered. “I need just a little more force before I can open it. Can you reach your hoof over here?”

“I – I think so…” Twilight said, stretching her hoof to the diamond bars of Maud’s cage.

Maud gently guided her hoof to a certain bar. “On my count, pull the bar towards you with all your strength. I’ll push it from the other side. With our strengths combined, we might just be able to break it.”

Twilight glanced to Thorax, who had finished strapping Pinkie to the table. The monster raised its claws and began to whisper: “Raaka tchka, burruh shuh snd….”

“On my mark, Twilight.” Twilight turned back to Maud, and nodded. “One… two… three!” Twilight pulled upon the bar with all her might, and Maud pushed with all her strength, and the bar bent the tiniest bit. “C’mon, again… one, two, three!” The two pushed and pulled once more, and the bar visibly deformed.

“Heh… it tickles…” Twilight turned her head as she heard Pinkie’s voice, and nearly screamed: Pinkie’s hind legs were slowly disintegrating into sand. Even Pinkie’s forced cheerful attitude couldn’t hide her expression of pain and fear.

“Focus, Twilight.” Twilight turned back to Maud and nodded. “One, two… three!” More frantic pushing and pulling, and the bar began to loosen. “One more time. One, two, three!”

And with one last push, the bar fell away, leaving a gap just large enough for Maud to squeeze out from. Maud immediately began to push her way out of the cage, as Twilight turned to see Pinkie’s lower body wholly transmuted into sand.

Thorax’s continuous chant was cut off as Maud leapt at him, tackling the scorpion backwards. Taken off guard, Thorax stopped his chant, and Pinkie’s lower body and legs began to revert back to their natural state.

“Insolent whelp!” Thorax roared, as he swung his claw at Maud. The grey alicorn nimbly dodged, and landed a solid blow on Thorax’s face. The blow would have reduced any mortal being’s face to pulp, but it only knocked Thorax off balance. Maud, still impassive, leapt into the air and landed a mighty hoof on the back of Thorax’s neck.

Or she would have. Thorax raised his arms and spat out a word in a forgotten tongue, and a mighty sandstorm whipped up, right there in the cavern. Twilight could barely see as Maud’s finishing strike missed, and she landed on the ground.

“Kill her! Spill her blood so Omnus may rise!” came a hissing whisper, and the walls of the chamber came alive, the innumerable army of changelings buzzing into the air, charging at Maud.

As Maud dealt with the army, Twilight saw that Pinkie’s lower legs had finished reforming. Somehow, Pinkie’s lower legs were out of their shackles, through her upper legs were still strapped to the table. Twilight watched in astonishment as Pinkie contorted her back almost 180 degrees, and somehow stretched her hind hooves to reach her front hooves.

“It’s a good thing I have rubber bones!” Pinkie called to Twilight as the pink pony shimmied the cuffs. Though not as strong as her sister, a few strikes from Pinkie’s nimble hooves weakened the cuffs to where she could free her forelegs. Able to move once more, she rushed over to Twilight. “Hang tight, Twilight, I’ll see what I can do about getting you out of-“

“BEHIND YOU!” Twilight screamed, and Pinkie dodged as a Changeling leapt at her, only to slam into the bars of Twilight’s cage. Pinkie began to run around as a number of the changelings stopped fighting the unstoppable Maud to fetch the much easier prey.

Pinkie ran a few laps around the cavern as more and more changelings joined in the chase to catch her. Suddenly, she stopped, and turned to face the changelings. “Good thing I never leave home without my PARTY CANNON!” she cried, pulling her mighty artillery weapon out of… where she keeps it.

The changelings tried to get out of range, but it was far too late: tablecloths, streamers and balloons fired from the cannon with concussive force, knocking out the closer changelings and even blinding the farther ones with confetti and streamers.

“Good work, Pinkie!” Twilight called.

Pinkie was about to respond, but was cut off by the floor under her hooves glowing a burning orange. Pinkie leapt out of the way just as a massive torrent of magma burst from the ground, incinerating the party cannon.

“BURN! BURN TO ASHES!” Screamed Thorax, enraged at seeing so many soldiers being taken out by two ponies. He raised his arms, and another jet of magma burst out of the ground, Pinkie leaping out of the way just in time. Twilight watched as Pinkie fled a massive, infernal crack in the ground, which chased after her, spewing magma and fire.

Suddenly, Twilight’s cage was lifted up. “What – Maud?!” Twilight cried.

“Twilight, hover! Close your eyes!" Maud called, urgently and yet still bland as ever. Twilight hovered up inside the little room there was in her cage, as Maud maneuvered the cage above the erupting magma. Maud lowered the cave ever so carefully, so that the bottom floor of the cage was submerged in lava. There was a crackle and a deafening BANG, and Twilight was nearly blown out of the air from sheer force. She felt heat singe her fur and threaten to burn her skin. When she opened her eyes, the bottom of the cage was gone - combusted from the lava's incredible heat.

Wasting no time, Twilight darted out from the gap under her cage. “Thanks, Maud!” she called, charging up her horn and opening fire on the changeling hordes.

Even with Twilight’s magic, though, the endeavor was beginning to look fruitless: for every changeling eliminated, a dozen more sprung out of the woodwork.

“Agh!” Twilight cried out as a changeling got close enough to strike her right in the face. She felt something crack, and her nose was bent at an unnatural angle when she looked again. She felt warm red liquid dripping down her face. Enraged, Twilight sent out a massive scythe of magic to destroy a dozen changelings at once.

“ENOUGH!” came a roar, and Twilight looked to see Pinkie being grasped by her throat in Thorax’s massive claw. “On your knees, flesh-filth – or we’ll see just how pink her insides are!”

Twilight charged up another blast to fire at Thorax, only to stop as a hoof grabbed her around her throat.

“You could hurt Pinkie.” Maud said, staring at Twilight as her grip tightened.

“I have a clear shot! I can hit him without hitting Pinkie, I know I can!” Twilight said.

“Would you bet her life on it.” Maud said. “Would you really.”

The impact of the words sunk in, and Twilight hesitated. “Exactly.” Maud stated, flying down to the ground, dragging Twilight with her.

“On. Your. KNEES!” Thorax screamed, his grip around Pinkie’s neck tightening. One of his red eyes had gone black, and he was bleeding green from where Maud had initially struck him, but he only seemed to be angrier.

With no real choice, Twilight and Maud knelt down, faces towards the ground. Twilight heard Thorax march forward, and felt one of his insect legs slam into the back of her head, smashing her face into the ground.

Twilight got up again as Thorax’s leg lifted, and as the stars whirling around her vision cleared, she saw the blood from her broken nose smeared across the ground. As she watched, the blood soaked into the rock, like water into desert sand.

“Oh… nuts.” Twilight mumbled, as she felt the ground begin to quake.

“Yes… his glorious reign begins!” Thorax cried, dropping Pinkie and raising his arms. “Uulwi ifis halahs gag erh'ongg w'ssh!” he cried victoriously.

“Pinkie!” Twilight cried, rushing over to the discarded Pinkie.

“Twilight…” Pinkie said quietly. “I’m sorry… I should have never come…”

“We don’t have time for this.” Maud stated, trotting over. “We have maybe a minute before Omnus fully awakens.”

“Then… That’s it, then, isn’t it…” Twilight said quietly.

“No.” Maud stated. “No, it’s not.”

“Maud, look around you!” Twilight cried, gesturing. Thorax and the changelings had gathered around the pit, singing a chant as the pulsing veins of omnus glowed brighter and brighter. “The world is literally ending! Omnus is back at full power!”

“Exactly.” Maud stated. “He’s full to the brim with power. We need to give him more.”

“More power, what?! What are you saying, Maud?!” Pinkie cried.

“it’s a bucket of water.” Maud stated. “We’ve filled it up with power, but if we can feed him even more power…”

“…The bucket will overflow!” Twilight finished. “But how do you know that will work?!”

“I don’t.” Maud said simply. “Just a hunch, I guess.”

Twilight thought about Pinkie’s hunches, and how they were always eerily correct. “Well, how do we feed him more power? Fire magic at him?”

“No, that would take too long. We need a massive surge of power.”

“How?” Twilight cried, exasperated.

“I’ll feed myself to him. Forcefully.”

Twilight paused. “Maud… you’ll die.”

“But ponykind will live. Pinkie will live.” Maud said simply.

“Maud, you can’t!” Pinkie said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I won’t let you!”

“We don’t have TIME for this!” Maud said loudly. “Omnus will awaken any second! Get out of here, I’ll do what I can!”

“Maud, you won’t be forgotten for this.” Twilight said, her eyes wet with tears.

“GO!” Maud cried, gripping Pinkie and Twilight and hurling them to the exit of the cavern. Twilight looked back to see Maud flying up to the massive, pulsating orb, which was now glowing almost as brightly as the sun. With mighty hooves, she punched the orb, and burrowed her way into the center – that was the last Twilight saw, the orb sealing itself behind her.

“MAAAUUUDD!” Pinkie screamed, trying to go back, but Twilight gripped her.

“Pinkie we have to go! NOW!” Twilight cried. She felt a massive influx of magic as Omnus overloaded, and felt his power weaken; her horn lit up, and she teleported away, just as Omnus died.

XXXXXXXX

The duo reappeared in a flash on the desert sands, at the base of the volcano. Pinkie immediately broke down, bawling her eyes out, her hair straight as a razor. Twilight lifted a wing over her in a comforting gesture.

“KRA-KOOMM!!”

“Oh for PETE’S sake!” Twilight cried, as above her, the peak of the volcano exploded, a massive amount of lava falling from the sky.

“Oh, yes, I almost forgot fiction rule #114,” Pinkie sniffed, “’if there is a volcano in the story, it is mandatory that it must erupt.' It’s right after the rule that 'if there’s a character traveling down a river, they must go over a waterfall.'”

“What?! Look, we don’t have time for this!” Twilight cried. “RUN!”

“But Twilight-“

“Run, Pinkie!” Twilight cried, as she sprinted away, lava and chunks of rock beginning to crash into the sand around them.

“But you can fly… and teleport…” Pinkie trailed off. “Wow. For a super genius, Twilight can be pretty dim sometimes.”

XXXXXXXX

The two continued to flee until the raining rubble stopped falling around them. They stopped and turned to see lava flowing down the mountain. From even this distance, they could feel the intense heat.

“Maud…” Pinkie said quietly.

Then there was another burst of lava, and Twilight saw something. It was probably her imagination, but it persisted. Twilight cast a vision enhancing spell, and her sight zoomed in a hundredfold. There, on that large slab of rock sailing down the magma flow… could it be?

“MAUD!” Pinkie screamed, her hair poofing out as she saw her sister coming down the rock flow.

It was indeed Maud, somehow alive, surfing down the lava flow on a chunk of rock like a surfer on an ocean wave. Twilight would expect that Maud show some emotion – thrill of being alive, excitement at the incredible ride.

But of course not; Maud just stood there on the rock chunk, like she was standing in a field on a calm summer day. Even as the fast-flowing rock hit an outcrop and launched into the air, Maud didn’t even blink.

SMASH!

Twilight and Pinkie jumped as the rock slab smashed into the sand right next to them. Maud stepped off, as casually as if she was steping off a taxi, and brushed a speck of dust off her shoulder. “Hello.” She said.

“OhmigoshMaudyou’reALIVE!” Pinkie said, rushing forward and hugging her sister, sobbing, her tears soaking into Maud’s frock. Maud reached a hoof over Pinkie’s shoulder, stroking Pinkie’s withers.

“Maud – how are you alive?!” Twilight cried, astonished. “And what-“ she gasped. “where’s your horn?!”

Maud reached up to feel the top of her head. “It’s no longer there.” She said, and sure enough, her head was simply covered in light-purple hair, with no hint that a horn had even been there. Maud looked over her shoulder to see the sides of her frock. “My wings are gone, too.” She turned back to Twilight. “How.” She said simply.

“I think, maybe… you sacrificed all your alicorn power to Omnus in order to make him overload!” Twilight cried. “Maud, you’re an earth pony again!”

“I’m…” Maud paused. “I’m normal.” And, to Twilight’s astonishment, Maud’s face slowly started to lift in a smile. “I’m normal, I’m normal, I’m back to normal!” She cried in a voice almost alien it was so happy, and her face bore the largest grin Twilight had ever seen from Maud.

And then, like a jackalope or a UFO, it was gone in a flash. “Let’s go home. I want to get back to my rock studies.” Maud said in her normal monotone, as she began to trot in the opposite direction of the volcano. She carried Pinkie on her back, who continued to hug Maud like a large pink leech.

Twilight stared after her traveling companions, before laughing and shaking her head. “She’s back to normal, all right.” Twilight said, happily trotting after her friends.

Author's Note

And... there! Whoo. I'm pretty sure that was my longest chapter yet for this story.

And yes, as you may have guessed, we are nearing the end of "MPBaAP". There will be an epilogue, but after that this story is over. I'm sorry to see it end. It's been a wonderful ride with a bunch of supporting fans, countless favorites and an endless flow of likes, but all good things must come to an end.

...Or must they?

You've Come Such a Long Long... Wait, Who Are You?

“Twilight Sparkle.” It was not a query, it was a statement. A bland, emotionless statement.

“Where are you.” Maud continued, as she wandered into the library. “I want books. On rocks. You have books. On rocks.”

No response. Then Maud spotted a letter on the table.

Out with friends. Back in an hour.

Though her face remained impassive as ever, deep down, Maud felt a flicker of something which might have been annoyance. This was the entire reason she’d come to Ponyville, after all: they supposedly stocked a book (on rocks) which would be crucial to her studies. On rocks.

Maud was about to turn and leave when she spotted something else on the table. A small piece of paper, along with quill and ink. She wandered over, not quite curious, just observant.

“Starswirl spell prototype.” Maud stated, reading the title of the document. “Not rocks, but still interesting.”

As she idly skimmed over the document, she noticed something. “There should be a period behind those two words there.” She said blandly. Being the courteous geologist she was, she picked up the quill in her mouth, dipped it in ink, and dotted the period into its proper place.

As soon as the quill touched the paper, Maud felt a tingling in her body. As she set the quill down, she glimpsed her hooves, and saw them to be fading away.

“This is rather unusual.” Maud said blandly as ever, even as her body rapidly vanished into nothingness.

XXXXXXXX

Maud found herself in a world of stars and ethereal mist. To any other pony, they would be astonished and amazed.

Maud just wondered if this would interfere in her rock-studying duties.

She saw a large, shadowed figure, a little ways off in the distance. As the figure drew closer, It was revealed to be Princess Celestia.

Maud just stared at Celestia as she began singing. “You have come such a long long way – wait… who are you? What’s going on?” the princess tilted her head.

“I am Maud Pie.” Maud stated. “I like rocks.”

There was a silence as the two stared at each other.

“Um… how did you get here, Maud?” Celestia finally said.

Maud just stared at her. It was starting to creep Celestia out.

At last, Maud responded: “I just made a spelling correction on one of Twilight Sparkle’s spells. Now I am here. I want to go back to my rocks now.” With that, she began walking away.

“Wait, where are you going?” Celestia cried, rushing over to Maud.

“Finding the exit. I have studies.” Maud said simply, not even looking at the princess.

“But – how did – why are - …wait.” Celestia paused. “Did the spell you corrected… happen to involve Starswirl the Bearded?”

“The title was ‘Starswirl spell prototype’, so that is probably the case.” Maud stated.

Celestia groaned. “I told Twilight not to leave that out in the open…” she muttered. “Don’t worry, princess… nobody will find it, princess… nobody will complete it, princess… I swear. Now I owe Luna twenty bits.”

“Can I go home yet.” Maud said, emotionless through Celestia’s rant.

“Well, um… I guess…” Celestia said hesitantly. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? I mean, I have a musical number all planned out for just this situation-“

“No thanks. Sending me back would be nice.” Maud stated.

Celestia sighed. “All right…” she said, and her horn glowed. Maud began to disappear once again.

“Thank you.” Maud said simply, nodding at Celestia. Then she was gone.

Celestia sighed, and put a hoof to her forehead. “Now I have to buy another stained-glass window… those things are blasted expensive...” She mumbled to herself.

XXXXXXXX

“Well, another crisis averted.” Applejack stated as she and the rest of the mane six trotted into the library.

“There wouldn’t have been a crisis if not for princess egghead here.” Rainbow Dash said, jerking a hoof at Twilight not-so-subtly.

“How was I supposed to know the spell would attract every manticore within a twenty mile radius?!” Twilight cried indignantly.

“I think that the fact that it was entitled ‘ultimate catnip spell’ would have been precaution enough, darling.” Rarity said gently.

Twilight was about to snap back a response, when there was suddenly a bright light in the center of the room. “What in the-“ Twilight said as the light cleared. Then her jaw dropped. “Maud?!”

Maud stood, looking back at Twilight. “Hello.” She stated simply.

The other girls stood there, shocked. “You’re… you’re…” Fluttershy stuttered.

“Do I have something on my frock. Is it a rock.” Maud said, glancing over her shoulder at her frock. She then noted, with mild surprise, that a slate-grey wing was poking right out from the side of her frock. “That’s new.” She commented idly with her usual emotionless tone, as she turned back to the girls.

“T-that’s not all!” Rainbow cried. “You – you have-“

“Thassa HORN on top a’ yer head!” Applejack cried, pointing a hoof at Maud’s forehead. Maud felt her bangs, and found a conical protrusion.

“So there is. That is also new.” She said, still emotionless.

“Alicorn – but – who – huh – why – how – wha…” Twilight stuttered, utterly bamboozled at what she was seeing.

“WHEE-HEE!” Pinkie said, bouncing up in the air and rushing over to Maud. “I have an alicorn siii-ster! I have an alicorn siii-ster!” She cried, bouncing around in a circle around her emotionless sister. “Ooh, I should start a club with Shining armor! The we-have-alicorn-sisters club! Wait no, I have an even BETTER idea! A my-sister-is-now-an-alicorn PARTY! No, a super-party, one that makes Rainbow’s birthday look tiny (no offense, Rainbow) and there’ll be tons of cake and ice cream and presents and-“

“It’s really not a big deal.” Maud told the others as Pinkie continued to list things that her giant party would have.

“Not a big – YOU JUST BECAME A GOD! HOW IS THIS NOT A BIG DEAL?!” Rainbow roared, throwing her hooves in the air.

“Maud, how did this even happen?! How did you-“ Twilight gasped and rushed over to the table. “Did you edit this spell? DID YOU?!" She cried, waving the paper in Maud’s face.

Maud didn’t even react. “Yes.” She replied.

“Ohhh, I can’t believe this is happening! I worked on this spell so long and YOU were the one to activate its effects! Now I need to start over from scratch!” Twilight cried, flopping over on the ground and covering her face with her hooves.

“I think your wings are very pretty, Maud.” Fluttershy said, trying to inject some light-heartedness into the conversation.

“Thank you.” Maud stated. “Also, this doesn’t affect my studies, so it really isn’t a big deal.”

“Studies?” Rarity suddenly cried. “STUDIES?! Darling, you simply cannot be serious! You are a princess! A symbol of Equestria, the pinnacle of royalty! Anything you want is yours! And you just want to study ROCKS?!”

“Yes.” Maud replied.

“Maud, I’m afraid you don’t understand.” Twilight said, stepping forward. “Becoming a princess means that you now have a responsibility as a protector and ruler of Equestria. It is your patriotic duty to rule the country alongside me and the other alicorns.”

“I don’t want to.” Maud said. “Now, may I have that book on rocks which I requested?”

“Maud, this is important! Your entire future is about to change-“ Twilight said.

“No.” Maud said, blinking slowly. “I don’t want to. Now if you won’t lend me that book, I should get back to my rock studies.”

And with that, the newly-created alicorn trotted out the door.

She had barely gotten a few steps, though, before she felt a pressure on her side. “Maud?” Came a small, squeaky voice. “Can you be a princess? Please? For ME?”

Maud looked over her shoulder. Pinkie stood there, hugging her side, her eyes wide and wet with tears.

A long, low sigh. “Okay.” Maud said at last.

“YAYYY!!” Pinkie cried, hopping around in circles once more. “Now I can throw a my-big-sister-is-an-alicorn-PRINCESS party! And it’ll have dancing and games and cake and punch and ice cream and-“

Maud sighed again. “I hope nopony makes a big deal out of this.”

Author's Note

One ironic time transition later...

Bonus: Page 16 of Word Twirl's List of Maud Pie Brand Products

Author's Note

This is just a little extra not-quite-a-chapter. Expands a little more on the list Word Twirl was talking about in the last chapter.

Bonus: Page 16 of Word Twirl's List of Maud Pie Brand Products

Maud Pie Tee-shirts

Maud Pie Plushies

Maud Pie Nail Polish

Maud Pie Stockbrokers (ticker tag ROCK)

Maud Pie Attorneys at Law

Maud Pie Cheese Grater

Maud Pie Military Tank

Maud Pie Geology Books

Maud Pie Cartoon (with sidekick Boulder, the wonder rock)

Maud Pie Fake Vomit

Maud Pie Furniture

Maud Pie Placemats

Maud Pie Necronomicon

Maud Pie Pickaxe

Maud Pie Wig (colored in grey, light grey, dark grey, slate grey, iron-grey, mineral grey, and purple.)

Maud Pie Cat Food

Maud Pie-Approved Pet Rocks

Maud Pie Helicopter

Maud Pie International Airlines

Maud Pie Gloves

Maud Pie Boots

Maud Pie Book (Maud-er, she wrote)

Maud Pie ~~dolls~~ action figures (with real rock-punching action!)

Maud Pie Fan Belts

Maud Pie Pig Slop

Maud Pie Taxidermy Kit

Maud Pie Magic Wand (disclaimer: not actually magic)

Maud Pie Pie

Maud Pie TV Show (Maud Men)

The End... I Think.

“Whew!” Pinkie said as she stepped off the train onto the Ponyville train station. “I think I just got vertigo!”

“What, from stepping off the train?” Twilight asked as she and Maud followed Pinkie off the train.

“No, from that fall all the way back down to the status quo. Seriously, that was painful!” Pinkie said cheerily. “Anyways, I’m going to go make a ‘hooray-everything’s-back-to-normal-in-time-for-season-five’ party!’ See you later!” and Pinkie zoomed off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

“Season five?” Twilight asked Maud.

Maud just stared at her.

“Right. It’s Pinkie.” Twilight took a deep breath. “She’s right though. It’s amazing how things are just… back to how they were before. It’s like nothing ever happened!”

“Indeed.” Maud droned. “It’s good, though. I have a lot of studying for geology to catch up on anyways.”

Twilight giggled. “Oh Maud, do you ever think about anything other than rocks?”

“No.”

“Of course not.” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

“Twilight.” Maud said, walking over. The Earth-Pony-turned-Alicorn-turned-Earth-Pony suddenly wrapped her forelegs around Twilight in a hug.

“Thanks for helping me through this.” Maud said quietly, her grip tightening.

“Happy to help, Maud.” Twilight gasped through Maud’s choking embrace.

“I must go now.” Maud said, her hug evaporating as quickly as it had occurred. “I must check the train times for the next ride home.” And with that, she trotted off into the crowd.

Twilight took pause, breathing in the crisp Ponyville air. “Everything’s back to normal.” She said to herself contentedly.

“TWILIIIGHT!” came a shrill scream, and Rarity sprinted out of nowhere, panting heavily.

“Rarity, what’s wrong?!” Twilight said.

“Well, see, I was a little scatterbrained today,” Rarity said quickly. “And I took her to the library even though you weren’t there, and we were looking for books on stitches, and she came across a…” Rarity gasped for breath, hyperventilating.

“Calm down! Rarity, who are you talking about?” Twilight asked.

“Um… hi…” Came a small voice, and Twilight turned. Her jaw dropped.

“You really need to stop leaving your spells out where anyone can edit them, Twilight.” Said Coco Pommel, her wings fluttering in the breeze, her horn glimmering in the sun’s light.

Author's Note

And that's the end! Thanks again for reading!

If anyone wonders why this story ended rather abruptly, please read this blog post (link).

Otherwise, I just want to say you all have been fantastic fans. Love you all!

-Smoker