For want of a better sentence, WTF?

by Celestial Doom

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Romance, Random
Length: 2224

Twilight is on the brink of a 'Rage-Shift' (you know, that 'THING' she did at the end of 'Feeling Pinkie Keen'), and the only think to break her out of it, is a parcel, and the delivery mare.

The day started off well, then just went downhill.
Then, a certain mail mare turned up with a package for her to sign for, and then, stayed for lunch, and a drink.
After that, well, the day just got better.

My attempt at fanfic, well, an attempt at 'SOMETHING'.
It starts off with adult themes, and, well, just continues from there onward.

There's smoking, drinking, consensual sex, more drinking, eating, and other stuff. If that sort of thing offends your morals, then don't read this.
I wouldn't want you to be, shocked! Otherwise, read and comment.

Please be aware, that the characters (apart from the 1st Twi, Spike, and Derpy), might change, have sex with each other, or just walk off out of the theatre. So there!

I'm putting this on hold, for a while.
Due to the fact that I buggered up the file I was using to keep the story synopsis.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-22 23:14:27 UTC

Well, that started off bad

“Shit! Fuck! Crap!”, came a shout from the basement.

“Hehe, did your smoke drop out of reach again?”, Spike called from the doorway,”Or you out of whiskey?”

“Yeah, absolutely, fucking funny dragon! You try doing these experiments Celestia wants done, without losing your cool!”, came the, rather loud reply, closely followed by a purple, red eyed unicorn, “And, if you want to see your next birthday shorty, you’ll keep your comments to yourself, understand?”

“Sheesh! Twilight, calm down, don’t go having a rage-shift, the books’ll burst into flame, and I’ll get the blame, don’t I always?”

Still, it was a pretty quiet day, as days for Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville’s number one librarian, well, Ponyville’s ONLY librarian to be honest, and what better way to spend the day (hey! THAT rhymes) than attempt to do just one, oh please, just one assignment, before her Royal Pain-in-the-ass sends another letter via Equestria’s only talking letter box.

Now, all she needed, was for one of the Elements to appear, and make her day a living hell. Oh, hang on, WHO’S this heading towards the library?

Nope, not one of THEM, but somepony else, everyponies favourite mail mare, and, strangely enough NOT flying.

Spike ran towards the door as soon as the first knock came, trying to get there before he got an ear bashing from the Purple crabby bitch from hell.

“Oh, hi Derpy! What brings you here?”

“Hi Spike, I’ve got a parcel for Miss Twilight, and it needs signing for.”, Derpy replied, looking over Spikes, well, not exactly shoulder, but more like, over the top of him, to see what was going on.

“Well, give me the clipboard and I’ll sign it.”, Spike said, waving his claws in front of the mail mare.

“Sorry Spike, but it’s only to be signed for by Twilight.”

“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted”, and turning to Twilight, “If you want me, I’ll be in the kitchen, fixing YOUR lunch.”

“Hey, Bubbles! Get your flank in here, and I’ll sign anything you want!”, came a shout from the other side of the library. Derpy was taken aback at the use of her real name.

“Um, Twilight?”

“Yeah, what?”

“How..How’d you know THAT name? I thought nopony knew it.”, came a rather confused reply.

“I know many things, and finding out your REAL name, wasn’t too difficult. Now, where’s that bloody package you need me to sign for?”, Derpy (Bubbles? Ditzy? Ah, who cares!) reluctantly trotted into the library to where Twilight was slouching in one of a seamless supply of sofas.

Taking the clipboard in her magic, Twilight starts to sign, “Sign here, and here, oh, and a third time. Luna is making it harder for anypony to mess things up in the postal system these days!”, Derpy commented as a look of annoyance crossed Twilights’ face.

“Sorry, what the fuck? Luna is in charge of the postal system now?”, exclaimed our purple pony.

“Yes Miss Twilight, Luna was thought a better CEO of the EqPS, seeing as our last CEO was, how can I put it? Oh yeah, abducted by Queen Chrysalis, and had his soul sucked right out.”

“Wow!”, was the only reply she could think of.

“Oh, don’t worry, nopony could tell the difference. But, Celetsia decided that  hard-assed pony should be put in charge. And, well, she’s doing a bloody good job of it, we only ever see her at night, and most of the ponies have gone home by then.”, Derpy replied back, and sitting down on the sofa next to Twily, looked at her (as best she could), then with a, slight, bit of trepidation in her voice, said, “Now, how the hell do you know my REAL name? Miss Twilight!”

Twilight, just sat there for a few moments, staring at the Light sapphire bluish gray (That’s what it says on her Equestria Postal Service card!) pony, as if she’d (Twilight, that is, not Derpy) been staring at a cockatrice, and then, (finally!) spoke.

“With my connections in Canterlot, I need to know everypony, their names, and aliases, family backgrounds, well, EVERYTHING! And, well, when it comes to you, my mail mare, well, it’s very interesting, very interesting, INDEED!”, with a grin that would make a Diamond Dog run for cover, she continued, “I know that Bubbles is your real name, everypony else just calls you Derpy, cos your eyes, are, well, fucked, they think that calling you something, nasty’ll make you even more miserable. Shit, even Spike calls you that (please, remind me to deal with him later), BUT, I won’t use that name.”

Bubbles (ok, I know, but I don’t want Twilight to kick my ass) relaxed by a few million points.

“Miss Twilight, thank you, you don’t know how much I hate THAT name, and, if you want the truth, I pray to Celestia that everypony who uses that name would turn into dust. If I could turn back time, I’d take the operation that my parents wanted me to have to fix my eyes, but couldn’t afford it.”, she broke off then, as tears started to appear.

Twilight was actually shocked at this outpour of emotion, and did the only thing she could think of, and that was to magically drag the mare over to her, and place a comforting foreleg around the, now, sobbing mares neck, and pull her into an embrace.

This made our favourite mail mare sob even harder into Twilight’s neck, Twilight started to softly stroke Bubbles’ mane, and whisper, “Bubbles, I’ll never, never let ANYPONY take the piss out of you, or your name, NEVER! If I need to, I’ll get Huffy The Magic Dragon to apologize to you on the town hall steps in front of everypony.”

The sobbing slowly faded, and with a final ‘SNURK’, Bubbles looked up, smiled, and then, promptly, fainted.

We're off to see the booze shop, the wonderful booze shop of, um, booze!

“Well, that was fucking unexpected!”, Twilight exclaimed to the books sitting on the shelves, “I’d better let her sleep it off, and see what short ass has rustled up.”

So, seeing no other alternative, Twi teleported the light sapphire bluish gray Pegasus up to her room, and let her sleep in peace. Mainly due to the fact that she was going to give Spike, not just a flea in his ear, but probably her hoof, a full smack round the head with her wings, and the frying pan.

“Oy! Short stuff, front and center! And I mean NOW!”, Spike, being used to the moods Twilight could pull, shot forward, with a chopping knife in his claws.

“Yeah? You yelled for me?”

Noticing the rather sharp knife, the little talking mailbox, was holding, caused Twily to hold back on her tirade of verbal abuse, “Shit Spike! Put that down before you end up taking something vital out! Also, what’s cooking?”

“Um, you missed out the ‘Good Looking’ part!”, he shot back at her with a glint in his eye,”Oh, well, never mind. Daffodil sarnies and Elder-flower tea, with some grilled Artichoke hearts, and I would have done some dessert, but we’re all out of flour! But that’s not MY fault, no, you forgot to write it on the shopping list, and when I told you, you said it possibly COULDN'T have been your fault!”

“Ugh! Fine, go get some then, you whiny sack of crap. Here, take my bank details whilst you’re at it, and buy someone who gives a crap!”

And, with that, Spike (referred to as ‘The Little Talking Mailbox’, or TLTMB) skipped happily out of the library as fast as possible, “And bring back some wine as well!”, Twi shouted to his retreating back.

“Garrrrr! Stupid little git, how can it be MY fault that HE forgot the flour? I wrote it on the list, I NEVER forget stuff like that, I’m the master list maker here!”, then, noticing the old shopping list on her desk, there was ONE ITEM missing.

Yup, you guessed it, WINE!

Now that she’d had her rant, “Might as well see what the foods like, seeing as the author isn't going to describe it!”

Very well! BE THAT WAY! (Done in the best Luna impersonation)

The table, in said kitchen, was, not exactly, overflowing with a veritable feast, but enough to sink a small rowing boat, how the dragon managed to make all this stuff was beyond anyponies imagination, except Pinkie, she could pull a fully baked and iced cake out of her arse (just make sure it WASN'T chocolate icing!) So, back to the food (Yes Twilight, I’m going to tell them NOW!)

The Daffodil sarnies (as we say in jolly old Great Britain, also known as Trottingham), were, well, two slices of bread (wholemeal), with Daffodil heads layered between them, and if you've ever eaten a Daffodil sarnie, you sure have some weird ass tastes!

Whilst the grilled artichoke hearts were grilled to perfection, something that takes skill, panache, and the ability to act as a walking Zippo lighter!

And don’t get me started on the Elder-flower tea. It was cold!

Now contented that the author of this piece of trash had finally described the food, Twilight stuffed her face, but keeping some of the food back for TLTMB, and her unexpected guest. But only just!

Meanwhile, over the other side of Ponyville, Spike (TLTMB), was nearing his destination...yup, Sugarcube Corner, which also served as the local Booze shop.

What? You thought they only served cakes, muffins, and other confectionary products? Really? They wouldn’t make much of a living like that. I mean, come on, Pinkie would be in hog heaven, well, okay, she is, but with Ponyville having Equestria’s number ONE boozer living there, they make quite a nice packet.

How else were they able to recompense everypony after the debacle that Pinkie and Applejack caused with the muffins?

Anyhow, back to the story at hoof. Spike has finally made it to Sugarcube Corner, and is browsing the wine section, when he’s viciously assaulted with a cupcake to the side of his head.

“Hey Spike! Watcha doooooin’?”, came a voice from above, way above, in the rafters.

“Oh, hi Pinkie! Just getting some flour, and seeing if there’s any good wine left before Berry Punch buys it all!”, he giggled.

“Yeppers, there sure is Spikey-wikey! We've got some Zinfandel just come in from Baltimare, or even some Sauvignon Blanc from north Prance, Berry doesn't much like these, says they make her want to fight. Which is strange, because I've seen her fight everything in a bar before, from the customers to the stools.”

Spike was just about to zone out from one of Pinkie’s bouts of Verbal Diarrhea , when he noticed that she’s stopped.

“Oh, well, um, yeah, I, uh, I’ll get whichever one YOU think is best Pinkie, because you know your stock!”

Pinkie, falling face first, next to Spike, got back on all fours, and looked at the small range of cheap, crap wines, and then said, “Oh sure Spike! I’d get the Zinfandel, because it’s a full-bodied red wine, and, it’s”, she looked around to make sure Berry wasn't in ear shot, “RD’s favorite!”

“Really? I didn't know she drank?”

“No? Heck, she’s a real boozer when you give her a chance!”

Now, I’m going to stop this conversation RIGHT HERE!

I've just noticed that Pinkie Pie AND the Cakes’ are going to let a small, baby dragon buy a bottle of wine.

Doesn't Equestria have a licensing law regarding the sale of alcohol to minors?

Or is it the fact that their Royal connection with Canterlot allow them to live outside any laws?

Oh what the fuck! Let’s just get on with the story, and stop padding it out!

“So, that’ll be 2 bits, please.”, said Mrs. Cake, “Anything else dearie?”

“Oh, the flour!”, Spike exclaimed, “Pinkie, can you get me a sack of self-raising…”, and there (as if by magic) a sack of self-raising flour was dropped on his head, “Yeah, that’s all now.”, came a small voice from underneath the large sack.

"Okay, that'll be 3 bits now. Don't worry about handing it to me, I'll just rifle through your purse and take the cash!", replied the baker, and true to her word, she took the money (all 8 bits of it) and sent the baby dragon on his way with a merry wave of her hoof, and a smile so broad, Pinkie would have been jealous.

Pinkie, in her all her innocent wonder (yeah, right!), decided to follow our Little Talking Mailbox back to the library, in her usual way. Or, to put it as plainly as possible, she hid in everything, from the mailboxes, to the roof tops, and even in Spikes' purse (how the hell she does that, I'll never know!)

Finally back at the library, a baby dragon calls out to anypony who might be listening, "I'm back, and I've got your wine, and I've got the flour, so you can stop complaining, I'll make the dessert now!"

Hearing no response, and fearing the best, said dragon decides that silence is not only golden, but possibly ruby, and sapphire too, and makes a dash for the kitchen to finish making the dessert for the purple colored pain-in-the-ass.