Principal Celestia Is Drunk
Vice Principal Luna was sitting in her office, filling out paperwork on a detention slip for a Cloud Kicker. She had been caught sexually harassing several of the female students claiming that she could get away with it because everyone loved her and they secretly wanted it.
Her phone rang. She looked at it, seeing that it was Principal Celestia. Smiling, she picked it up and answered.
“Hi, Celestia, what can I help you with?”
“Come to my office,” Principal Celestia said.
Luna furrowed her brow. “Is something the matter?”
“Just get over here.”
“Are you sure nothing’s the matter? Because you sound ill—”
“I’m not drunk just get over—I mean, nothing’s the matter, I just need to see you.”
Luna slit her eyes. “Fine, I’ll go to your office.”
“Great! See you soon!”
“Sure, see you soon,” Luna said as she hung up the phone, stood up, and walked out of her office, making sure to lock the door. She walked down the hallway to Principal Celestia’s office, glad that class was currently in session so that the halls weren’t cluttered.
Finally, she approached Celestia’s door and tried to turn the doorknob, which was surprisingly locked. She jiggled the knob a few more times, then knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” Celestia said through the door.
Luna facepalmed. “It’s Luna, your co-worker whom you just asked to come over.”
“Oh,” Celestia said. “Well, I can’t let you in unless you say the password.”
“What?”
“Yeah, you gotta say the password or I can’t let you in.”
Luna inhaled, then exhaled. “And what, pray tell, is the password?”
Luna heard Celestia giggle through the door. “I can’t tell you the password. Then it wouldn’t be a password!”
Luna grit her teeth and banged on the door. “I swear, if you don’t open this door, I’ll—”
“—what? You’ll what? You can’t do anything to me because I’m behind the door.”
“Oooooh!” Luna groaned. She then kicked the door with all of her might. An idea crossed her mind. She pulled her wallet out of her pocket, pulled a credit card out of her wallet, and slid it through the door, the door popping open in response. She smiled and opened the door, frowning again as what she saw before here.
In front of her was Celestia, hair mussed and a half-finished bottle of tequila on her desk. Celestia was frowning.
“Aww, you’re no fun,” Celestia said, “and I had the perfect password.”
Luna quietly closed the door behind her. “You’re drunk.”
“No, you’re drunk!” Celestia said as she pointed an accusing finger at Luna.
“How exactly am I drunk?”
“You’re… you’re… drunk on power! Yeah, you’re drunk on power!”
Luna shook her head as she walked towards the desk to reach for the bottle of tequila when Celestia snatched it away and stood up. “Nuh-uh! You can’t have any! This is my tequila!”
Luna grunted. “I wasn’t going to drink it. I was just going to dump it down the drain.”
Celestia shot daggers with her eyes at Luna as she took a swig. “That’s even worse!”
“Celestia,” Luna said, “you know I hate it when you drink. You start acting like a petulant child.”
“Well…” Celestia said, “well, maybe I just get so mature that I reach a level of maturity—” Celestia continued as she took another swig “—that it just seems like I’m immature!”
“No, you’re definitely acting like a petulant child. Now give me the tequila.”
Celestia held the bottle close to her. “No!”
Luna held out a hand. “Celestia…”
“If you want it, you’re going to have to take it from me!”
“Fine,” Luna said as she circled the desk, Celestia backing away from her. Luna grunted again and picked up her pace, Celestia turning around and circling the desk. Luna moved faster, and soon they were circling the desk at a hurried pace. Luna then turned around and tackled Celestia to the ground, the only thing preventing Luna from grabbing the tequila bottle were Celestia’s freakishly long arms.
“Give me the bottle!”
“No! You’re just going to waste it!”
“Give me the bottle now!”
“No!”
“I swear, if you don’t give it to me now, I’ll—”
Their arguing was interrupted by a knock at the door. Luna and Celestia both turned their heads to see Cloud Kicker standing at the threshold.
“Am I… interrupting something?” Cloud Kicker asked.
Luna shook her head. “Thank god you’re here! I need you to grab the bottle of tequila from the Principal, now!”
“Um, okay,” Cloud Kicker said.
“Don’t do it!” Principal Celestia said, “if you do it, I’ll suspend you for a year!”
“Never mind her, she’s drunk. Just grab it!” Luna said.
Cloud Kicker nodded and approached the two faculty members and reached for the bottle, then stopped.
Luna stared at her. “What are you doing, just grab it!”
“You know, technically, this would be supplying alcohol to a minor,” Cloud Kicker said with a smile.
“I don’t give a shit, just get it away from Celestia!”
“No, don’t take it! You don’t want to make Luna a criminal!” Celestia said.
“Shut up, Celestia!” Luna shouted. “Just grab it!”
Cloud Kicker crossed her arms. “Only if you get rid of my detention.”
Luna groaned. “But you were sexually harassing students!”
“You’re not in much of a position to negotiate. Either you agree to remove my detention, or I turn you in for supplying alcohol to a minor. Either way, I get free booze. So, what’s it going to be?”
Luna pressed her eyes shut, then opened them. “Fine, your detention has been revoked.”
“That’s what I thought,” Cloud Kicker said as she grabbed the bottle of tequila from Celestia, who whined in response.
“No! My Tequila!” Celestia shouted.
“Thank you, Cloud Kicker, you’ve done a great service for the school.”
Cloud Kicker clicked as she pointed at Luna. “No probs,” she said as she walked out of the office, tequila in hand. When Cloud Kicker was out of Celestia’s office, Luna let go of Celestia. Celestia slowly sat up and started crying.
“Why did you give away my tequila?” She asked.
“Because you’re terrible when you’re drunk,” Luna replied. “And at school, no less!”
“But it’s so boring!”
Luna blew a strand of hair out of her face. “Well, why don’t you just play games on your phone, or, I don’t know… do actual work!”
“But that’s what I have you for!” Celestia said, tears streaming down her eyes as she stood up, walked back behind her desk, sat down, and pulled out a bottle of vodka.
Luna blinked. “Where did you get that from?”
Celestia screwed off the top of the vodka bottle and took a swig. “Tequila’s my happy liquor. Now you’ve made me sad, so I have to drink vodka now.”
Luna buried her face into her hands.
God damn it, you’re impossible.
