Author's Note
So, I logged on to my computer today, opened up Fimfiction, and I found the new version.
I have to say, I'm feeling pretty horrified about it.
Side effects of reading this story include yadda yadda yadda and some other stuff, viewer discretion is not advised, don't read this if you're over the age of blueberry cream cheese.
Foals
Apple Bloom watched as her cousin, Apple Bud, crawled away behind her parents. The teeny-tiny little foal was so cute and clumsy! Apple Bloom couldn't help but smile at the thought of being able to foalsit her someday.
Granny Smith hobbled over to the daydreaming pony. Apple Bloom looked up and hugged her granny. "Granny, d'you think I'll get my cutie mark for foalsittin'?"
"Maybe, maybe not. Isn't she just precious? Y'know, Apple Bloom, you were cute once, too."
"What do you mean, once? Everyone thinks I'm adorable!"
"Not as adorable as Apple Bud. But I'll tell ya this: if you were that tiny now, you'd kick her bottom in any cuteness contest!" Granny ruffled Apple Bloom's mane.
"Aw..." The crusader's face turned bright red. "Gee, Granny, where do foals come from, exactly?"
Granny's face turned pale. She began blinking extraordinarily fast. "Pardon?"
"I mean, how do they get inside their mommas?"
Applejack and Big Mac started snickering. Apple Bloom had asked Granny, and the green geezer would soon owe them fifty bits for the bet they'd made a long time ago.
"Sit down, sweetie. I've got quite a bit to say."
"Granny, I am sitting."
"Don't talk back to me! Now, where was I?" The elderly Apple, who was annoyed by the author's clear symptoms of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, put her hoof on her chin. "Well, lots of mares want you to believe the baby's growin' inside them, but it's a lot of hogwash!"
"Granny, I already know the stork story isn't true." Apple Bloom sighed. "I'll just ask Applejack."
"No, this isn't about the stork!" Granny Smith burst into laughter. "What kinda fool believes that the stork brings foals to Equestria?"
Big Mac looked at his hooves.
"No, the stork isn't real, but neither is pregnancy. You see, pregnancy is a hoax perpetrated by mares who like to overeat. When a mare is married, sometimes she goes into over-eating binges. She'll eat, eat, eat! Over the course of nine months, her tummy gets so big and full of fat, it looks like she's got something the size of a foal in there!"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Granny, pregnancy isn't a hoax."
"Hush up, you! Now, let's see here... once the baby's ready at the cabbage patch... quit givin' me those looks, missy, or I'll give your hind end a taste of the broom!"
Apple Bloom winced and tried to look as believing as possible. She wasn't doing a good job, but it fooled Granny Smith.
"Once the foal's ready at the cabbage patch, the doctor gives her a pill that turns all that excess fat into a word we're not allowed to say on a Y-7 show because parents are too protective of their children. Why, back in my day, we didn't even have TVs! We'd watch a goat go to the bathroom just for fun! By gar, those were good times!" Granny Smith sighed. "Oh, yes. Where was-" She then fell asleep, snoring loudly.
"Uh... Granny?..."
"Huh? What? Oh, yes. Forgive me. Now, the doc gives 'em a pill that turns their excess fat into a word that starts and ends with 'P'. Then, they stay in the bathroom for a couple of hours getting rid of the fat. When they're done, the baby, fresh from the cabbage patch, is given to them."
"The... cabbage patch?"
"Well, of course! All the hospitals have one! See, if you want a foal, all you have to do is prove you're married, give them pictures of you and your spouse, pay 'em a few bits, and they'll start growing you your very own foal! You don't get to pick the gender, though, and sometimes it mutates, which is why we have twins!"
"Granny, that ain't-"
Granny high-oned Applejack's face. "I said, hush up!" Turning to Apple Bloom, Granny continued. "So, now you know: Mares go and arrange for the cabbage patch to grow them a foal, then they eat so much it looks like there's a foal inside of them, then they p**p it out, then they're given the foal!"
"But... how does the cabbage grow with a foal inside of it?"
"I'm glad you asked me that, Applejack!"
"I'm Apple Bloom."
"Yeah, yeah. Well, they come from a strain of seeds similar to the Everfree's plunderseeds. Nopony is quite sure how exactly they grow in there, because nopony here is enough of a monster to cut a cabbage with an underdeveloped foal in it. But I can tell you the history of the seeds!"
"Uh, no thanks, Granny. It's past my bedtime." Apple Bloom got up to leave, but Granny pulled her right back down.
"You're going to stay and listen to my rambling! Now, when ponies were first born and grew older, they collected as many ponabbage- that's what the seeds are called- seeds as they could. They began growing gardens of them in order to repopulate, teaching their children how to cultivate the little babies.
"However, after the Great Ponabbage Scare of 1098, ponabbage became quite rare. The remaining seeds were given to medical experts, who came up with the tradition of only married ponies receiving foals. After a while, they figured the public wasn't ready for the truth, so they hid it from everypony except for the married couples, who had to swear an oath of secrecy. The only reason I'm alive right now is because I made a deal with a doctor that I could tell my highly skeptical grandfoals about it if I gave him a few bits!" Granny burst into laughter and slapped her knee.
Apple Bloom's eyes were spinning. "Wow, Granny, that's... neat..."
Applejack shook her head. "Don't listen to a word that lady says, Apple Bloom. You know as well as I do that Granny's startin' to go daft."
"It's true, I tell you!" Granny threw her hooves into the air. "Why don't any of you believe me?!"
Doc Top surveyed the cabbage patch carefully. "It seems that Amethyst Shine's baby is almost done. You'd better call her in."
Nurse Redheart nodded. Grinning, she added, "The foal is so cute! It's a filly, right?"
"We won't know until we pick it."
Redheart sighed dreamily. "It's things like this that make me wish I were married."
"The miracle of life is truly a beautiful thing. Except for Banana Pie's foal."
"Yeah, he's ugly. But the rest are beautiful!" Redheart grinned and trotted away.
Tenderheart took a copper watering can and began to water the entire patch. However, when she finished watering, she noticed one of the cabbages was... off. "Doc Top, come quick! I-I think something's wrong with Cloudy Skies' foal!"
Doc Top galloped over. "Well, here's the problem. This is a normal cabbage." He took a bite out of it. "It's really good, though!"
"Ew... you can have it, Doc..."
"Woo hoo!" Doc Top grabbed the cabbage and hauled it away.
Tenderheart sighed and looked at all the bright, plump ponabbages. "I love this job," she murmured.
