Journal of an Unlikely Murderer
Journal Entry One, October 14th, 2010.
Oh man… Once again my insufferable ability to lose every fucking thing I come into contact with gets me into trouble once again. I didn’t mean to lose it though, It just kind of fell out of my saddlebags as almost everything I put in there seems to do! Why must it be me all of this bullshit happens to though, I mean there are plenty more ponies this curse could have picked, but no, of course it chose me. It just wanted to envelope my life around my clumsy nature, and inability to argue with anypony, no matter how much I really want to. But today was different, today I did do something, and if I do say so myself, I did a damn good job of what I was aiming at. I’m sure that nopony will figure out what’s happened until it’s too late and the evidence is all but accurate. Explanations are far overdone, no, I don’t need to explain what I’ve done; I’m going to let the actions speak for themselves. All of Equestria will feel my vengeance for the countless years I’ve been tortured about my clumsiness! I will make everypony rue the day they thought they could mess with me, but that will be for another time though, with my work schedule, I’m rather shocked I even have time to write in this journal. Though this is my first entry, I have a feeling that I’ll have this useless thing filled with my ‘experiences’ by the end of next year. Maybe I’ll take up another hobby too, maybe learn another language, it’ll make for an awesome bit of a prank on everypony to not be able to understand a single word I’m saying to them, then again, they don’t listen in the first place…
Caramel closed his journal and hid it under his bed, putting it in a small, but easily recognizable black case that he’d bought a while back to keep Big Mac from stealing the bits he had when he stayed over at his cousin’s farm to help buck the apples and sell them. He loved the big guy to death, but he really can get annoying after a while of him stealing everything of yours and trying to convince you that ‘It’s mine,’ though he’s never once prevailed in convincing him that it wasn’t his, but Mac was a persistent one, and tried every other week to pick the lock on his box to get to his bits. But when he caught him last week, he roundhouse kicked Mac out of his window, and Caramel stayed in a room that was upstairs; so Mac wasn’t around on the farm for a while so to speak. But Caramel didn’t regret his actions in the slightest, he actually felt he should encourage himself to do it more often, and to a wide variety of ponies around. The thoughts bashed around in his mind, and he embraced every single one, playing out scenarios in his mind until he came up with perfect plans for anything he decided he would do. Most of the ideas involved simple things for pranks, and other things involved complex things and sinister thoughts and dastardly actions; but he wrote them down any ways, one by one filling pages with ideas and the names of ponies in the surrounding area that he knew about.
Journal Entry Two, October 16th, 2010.
Rainbow Dash: That bitch has always harassed me about the way I keep losing things, so I think I’ll give her something to really think about. I’ll make her lose something she holds rather dear to her, I know what I’m talking about, so I suppose boring myself with the details in this journal would be rather redundant and counterproductive. Ideas for Dash: Make her feel as stupid and useless as I did when she stole my saddlebags and cut a hole in them. I’ll take something that she loves so much, and I’ll cut them to pieces! Requirements: Trash Bags, I don’t want to leave any trace around. Aerosol compressed air can, never know when something might need dusting, or something else. Scissors, always gotta have a nice pair of scissors for these kinds of things you know, can’t cut without them. Duct Tape, everything I tie seems to come undone, so having some duct tape around will really help with that. Finally a blindfold, can’t have her waking up seeing what I’m doing or who I am, that would defeat the entire reason of all of this in the first place.
Pipsqueak: That little colt gets on my fucking nerves, mocking me about dropping something. Everyday jokes like ‘Drop the soap recently?’ or, ‘Hey, you dropped your face! And knowing you, you probably did!’ I’ll show him what a true stallion is capable of, and then he’ll regret ever saying anything to me, mocking me and how I am. He may be young, but fuck him; I’ll teach him what happens when you mess with the wrong pony. Ideas for Pipsqueak: make him feel the same way I do when he makes those jokes to me, but perhaps with a little more, force, as you say. Requirements: Duct Tape, the little brat’s voice is just simply unbearable to listen to. Trash Bags, I have a feeling this will end up in quite the mess. Knives, perhaps for cutting the tape off of him later on, still contemplating that one though. Blindfold, once again ruins the point of everything if they can just see me without anything obstructing their vision. Once again Aerosol Compressed Air Can, I’ve actually thought of a use for this, but I’m not sure if it’s really the item to do the job with. Rope, I have a feeling this may be one of those times where I may need a lot of this, and I mean a lot. Finally some candy, this is to lure the little shit to me in the first place, which I find shouldn’t prove much of a problem.
Caramel looked up as his door opened slowly, and his cousins Applejack and Big Macintosh appeared in the door frame, both of them with a slight angry look upon their faces. Caramel looked up at the two as his eyes focused on them, their large bodies casting a shadow into the room by obstructing the light coming from the hallway. Applejack looked rather steamed about something, and Big Macintosh looked equally as furious as his sister. Caramel focuses on their hooves, in it was a sack of the rare apple buds he’d lost earlier today, and all of the buds were trampled. Caramel moved backwards awkwardly as the two approached him slowly, “Caramel Apple! Ah’ve nevah’ seen nopony as clumsy, unorgahnized, or generally as idiahtic as yahself! Ah told ya’ not ta’ lose these apple buds! Them cost us hundreds of bits to find! They was the rarest of tha’ kind! Y’all gonna havta’ work ovahtime to pay off them apple buds you lost and let get trampled!” Applejack and Big Mac left out in a huff, leaving Caramel to sit on his hind legs quietly for a while. Caramel got up slowly and grabbed his journal and grabbed his pencil once more wrote down ‘Applejack and Big Macintosh’ closed his journal, then casually walked out of his room with a blank expression, and anger in his eyes. As he turned off the lights, a sadistic smile crossed his face, as he mumbled, ‘Y’all will never know what hit ya’, and when I’m done with ya’, nopony will ever be able to tell anyways…’ Caramel let out a chuckle and closed his door, he had planning to do…
Author's note: This may or may not continue, if I decide not to continue, i'll see if another writer can take over for me. But if I do continue this myself, I assure later chapters will be over 2500 words, I assure you of this. But at the moment, i'm working on non-grimdark fics, trying to purge the insanity from my mind. But give some constructive criticisim too, i'd love to hear what I can improve on :)
