And I Shall Name Them "Cuppins"
Okay. Time for a writing exercise. Guess I'll just choose a pony and a scenario and see what—
“Hi, Mr. Author!” Pinkie Pie yelled.
Um... hello, Pinkie Pie.
“Ooh! Are you writing a story? Can I help? Can I? Can I? Can I?”
Uh... no... I think I have it under control. May I ask what you're doing, though?
“Well, right now, I'm floating in a featureless void because of your lack of description. What's a story without description? Booor-ring. Are you sure you don't need help? Oh! I know! Let’s have the story set in space, and I can have a spaceship with lasers, and a cupcake cannon, and—”
No! No... let’s just have a normal writing exercise. Without all the fourth wall breaking.
“But—”
No buts. Now, since you're already here, I guess you'll get to be the focus of this writing exercise.
“Yay! Aaaw, but I hate exercise. It’s no fun and only makes my legs feel all wobbly. Couldn't we do something else? Oh! How about a party? We c—”
Stop. I-... n-... it's not that kind of exercise. I'm just writing out a literary scenario to see what I come up with. Maybe find something I can use in another story. Now, can we please get this exercise started?
“Okie dokie! So, what kind of scenario are we doing?”
Something simple. Something like an activity that you would probably do. Hmm... ah! I got it. Let’s put you in Sugarcube Corner. There, you’ll be attempting to bake something completely new.
“Oooh, I like this scenario. It sounds tasty!"
Yes, very. Now, take your place, and let’s get this exercise started.
Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen looked like several baked goods had exploded in it, for a simple reason: they had. Flour, sugar, and eggs, as well as several ingredients that should never have been allowed anywhere near a mixing bowl, covered almost every surface of the once pristine room. Amidst the chaos, stood its cause: a formerly-pink pony, now smeared with the same mess that surrounded her. Pinkie let out an exasperated sigh, lifted her still smoking baking tray, and dumped it onto the “failure pile”, which had long since engulfed the trashcan beneath it. She returned to her baking station and rested her chin on the countertop. What was she missing? She closed her eyes and began massaging her forehead in slow circles. She had been so close that time. Suddenly, her eyes popped open and she let out a gasp. A smile crept across her lips as she moved to a sheet of paper labeled “The bestest recipe ever!” and started scribbling. At this rate, she would have her new recipe perfected well before Mr. and Mrs. Cake returned from their vacation.
Pinkie wished the Cakes had a more predictable vacation schedule. She would have waited until tomorrow to start her experimenting, if she had known they would be gone today. She had woken up extra early this morning, hoping to be done with her new recipe before Mr. and Mrs. Cake had even gotten out of bed. She knew exactly what had gone wrong when she had tried this recipe last week and what she needed to do to correct it. At least, she had thought she did, until her baking tray had erupted from the oven and knocked a hole in the wall. It had been shortly after that when Mrs. Cake appeared with a suitcase and told Pinkie that she and Mr. Cake would be on vacation for the rest of the day.
Pinkie’s forehead beaded with sweat as she gave her work her complete concentration. She took her mouth off the spoon and looked at her recipe. She ran her hoof down the piece of paper that contained more crossed-off words than not. Her lips moved silently as she re-read her revisions and mentally double-checked them against what she had already done. Nodding once to herself, she turned her eyes back to her bowl. She only had one more step left before she could place her creation in the oven.
With shaking hooves, Pinkie reached towards her bowl, then stopped and forced herself to take deep calming breaths. She had worked too hard to risk letting her nerves mess everything up at the last moment. She focused on the bowl before her and visualized her next step several times. Reach. Turn. Pour. Repeat. Nothing to worry about. It would be easy. With steady hooves, she reached for her bowl. A slight turn, and the batter poured out into the waiting baking tray. She repeated this action until she had filled each of the dozen sections with an equal amount of batter. Then, after setting the bowl to the side, she stared wide-eyed at her tray.
They had said it couldn't be done, they had called her crazy for attempting it, but Pinkie would show them. In just a few more minutes, she would become the first pony to have ever successfully combined a cupcake with a muffin. Giggling with joy, she looked proudly at her baking tray full of batter. A simple bake in the oven, and her wonderful treats would be ready for eating. Then, the ponies of Equestria would see their folly. They would bow before her in fear and awe as she presented them with the greatest culinary concoction ever known: mufcins.
“Mufcins?” Pinkie asked, looking up from her baking tray. “That's what I'm naming them?”
Pinkie...
“Sorry. It's just, I think it would be soooo much better if we named them cuppins. And what was with that last paragraph? Just a teeny tiny bit melodramatic, don't you think?”
What was wrong with it?
“Oh... nothing. You’re doing fine, but what if I had done something more like... uh, could you let go of the narration for a second?”
What?
“Got it! Thanks.”
The magnificent Pinkie Pie clamped the baking tray between her hooves and rose onto her hind-legs. She thrust the tray into the air so that the hanging lamp above could shine its glorious brightness down upon her creation. Through an extremely fortunate coincidence, a practicing choir chose that moment to pass by the window nearest Pinkie. Their voices resonated in perfect harmony as they helped herald in the coming of a new age in baking. The light bulb above glowed ever brighter until, finally, no longer able to hold back the joy the electricity within contained, it burst. The shards of glass fell around Pinkie, all traveling safely away from the fabled tray that held what would one day be the salvation of ponykind. The glass tinkled lightly upon the floor, sounding like a musical whisper saying, “Well done, Pinkie. Well done.”
Still holding the tray above her and maintaining her balance despite her hind-legs beginning to get all wobbly, Pinkie spoke. “Ponies of Equestria! I have created for you the bestest baked goods ever, and I shall name them ‘cuppins!’”
Pinkie tossed the baking tray upwards and fell back to four hooves, being sure to snap the tray out of midair with her mouth. She set the tray on the countertop. “See? That’s how it’s done!”
I... I think I’m going to change scenarios.
The heat wave that had begun last week still clung to Ponyville. The weather team had tried their best to keep things cool, but a recent accident at Cloudsdale’s Cloud Factory had left rain clouds in short supply.
“Ooh! That gives me a great idea!” Pinkie said. She bit onto the baking tray filled with mufcin—
“C'pin!”
—batter and walked out the front door into the sweltering heat. There, she placed the tray on the ground in the sunlight, took a few steps away from it, and shook herself, completely cleaning the mess from her coat and mane.
“I learned that trick from Rarity,” Pinkie said. She sat in the shade provided by the confectionery's overhang and stared, unmoving, at her baking tray.
What are you doing?
“Baking cuppins outside, silly author.”
And how long is that going to take?
“I don’t know. How hot is it in Ponyville?”
A nondescript temperature...
“It'll probably take a nondescript amount of time, then.”
…Uh?
“Just cut away to a different scene, and when you get back, they should be done.”
That makes no sense, but I don’t care. Hopefully, the next pony doesn’t keep breaking the fourth wall.
“Try Applejack. She seems the non-fourth-wally-breakish type.”
Great. Perfect. I’ll switch scenes to Applejack. You... you just keep doing what you’re doing.
“Right! I’ll keep thinking of ways to help your story! Scene break!”
***
Applejack gasped as she woke up, inhaling more of the water that had been splashed on her. She rolled onto her side and coughed hard until her lungs forced her to take another breath. After a few more coughs, she sat up on her haunches and groaned while she looked around. Her orchard stretched out in all directions, and a few feet above her floated a gray cloud. She stared at the cloud for a moment, blinking her eyes, then looked downward at the brightly-colored and upside down head hanging over its edge. “Rainbow?” Applejack said. She blinked rapidly until her eyes focused. “Rainbow! What the hay do you think you’re doin’? I asked you to get some rain clouds for my trees, not to give me a bath!”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, leapt from the cloud, and landed in front of Applejack. “Well, sor-ry. Next time you pass out from heat exhaustion, I’ll just leave you there and water your trees instead.”
“Pass out?” Applejack’s eyes widened as she looked down and saw her fallen hat and tipped-over watering can. “Oh! Rainbow... I’m sorry, I... thank you.”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Not a problem. Always glad to lend a hoof,” she said as she reached out a hoof to Applejack. “Especially if I get to soak you in the process.”
Applejack grunted and shook her head but accepted Rainbow Dash’s help up. “Did you happen to see Big Mac and Apple Bloom on your way in?”
“Yeah. They were taking a break and drinking some of their water themselves. You know, like smart po—”
“All right, all ready. No need to rub it in. You know I sometimes work too hard.” Applejack picked up her hat, dusted it off, and returned it to her head. “Still, don’t matter much now that you got the clouds. Once you get the rain started, you’re welcome to join us in the apple cellar for some cider. Nice and cool down there, and—”
“Cloud.”
Applejack scrunched up her eyes, looked at the single cloud above her, and gave Rainbow Dash a hopeful expression.
“Sorry, AJ. I wish I could get more, but my hooves are tied. That accident at the Cloud Factory is still being repaired, and they're operating at less than half capacity. Nearly all of Equestria is having a drought while repairs are being made. I’m lucky the mayor even let me have a single cloud. I did get her to agree to use the rest of the emergency reserves, if we don’t hear anything good by next week.”
“Next week? My apples will be nothin’ more than dust by then! Can't you just grab some of them clouds above the Everfree Forest?”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped. “You want me to grab a feral cloud? Are you nuts? Those things can reduce a pegasus to bones in seconds!”
Applejack raised an eyebrow.
“It’s true! I had a friend in flight school that swore his uncle’s best-friend’s cousin was eaten by feral clouds.”
“That can’t possibly be true.”
“Is it a chance you’d want to take?”
Applejack frowned, righted her watering can, and looked inside. Nearly all of the water had spilled out. She looked towards her barn and the hose that seemed so very far away, then lowered her head and sighed. “The drought was bad enough without havin’ to deal with this heat wave, too.”
“Yeah, it’s weird how it came out of nowhere like this. Usually, it’s a whole lot cooler this time of year.”
Applejack’s head perked up. “A bit too weird, now that you mention it. Somethin’s not right. Go tell my brother I’m headin’ into town, then come meet up with me. And bring that cloud. We’re gonna need the shade.” Applejack turned and trotted towards Ponyville.
“Whoa, hold up!” Rainbow Dash flew in front of Applejack and spread her wings. “In case you had forgotten, you were unconscious until a few minutes ago. Maybe you should cool off a bit before making any big decisions? Or even moving around?”
Applejack shook her head and brushed past Rainbow Dash. "No, this ain’t natural. I know it. We need to see Twilight and have her write a letter to Princess Celestia. She’ll know what’s goin’ on."
Rainbow Dash held a hoof to her forehead and groaned, then took to the air to find Big Macintosh and tell him that his sister was being stubborn again.
***
"Eye flutter, achy hoof, back shiver. That means the scene switched to me!"
Not quite yet, Pinkie, but I'll get to you in a moment. I think I actually have a plot that’s going somewhere, so I would be very appreciative if you would just followed along with it, and... you know... handle it gently?
“Oh, don’t you worry. I’ll be sure to handle the story with extra super-special care. Except... I can’t really handle something without hands, can I? Hmm... is it okay if I hoofle it instead?”
Sure. Fine. Back in a minute.
***
Applejack and Rainbow Dash trudged through Ponyville's empty town square with their heads hung low. They tried to stick to the shade when they could, but with noon approaching, hardly any of it could be found. The lone cloud’s rain had been of some relief during the trip into town, but it had already dried up. The duo placed one hoof in front of the other, knowing that eventually they would reach their destination as long as they stayed focused.
The buzz of running air conditioners filled the air as the sensible ponies of Ponyville remained indoors, staying out of the worst of the day’s heat. Applejack’s thoughts turned to her nice cool apple cellar and all the jugs of apple cider that her family was probably enjoying right now. That delicious cider, aged to perfection, with its crisp, refreshing taste that revitalized the spirit. She could hear it calling out to her.
“Applejack.”
“Yes, cider?”
“I think you need a drink.”
“I agree, cider. I could drink you all day.”
Applejack smiled at the floating jug of cider next to her and moved her mouth towards it, eager to wrap her lips around the jug’s mouth and drink deep of the sweet and tangy liquid within.
Rainbow Dash placed her hoof over Applejack’s face and slowly pushed her back. “I mean at Sugarcube Corner,” she said. “It’s over there.”
“Whatever you say, cider.”
“Just... go sit under the overhang with Pinkie. I’ll head inside to get us some drinks.”
Pinkie grinned as her friends approached, then took on a serious expression and stared at her tray full of baked mufcins.
“Cuppins.”
Whatever.
Applejack stopped following the cider when it floated over a pink object blocking her path. She wobbled as she stared at the object for a moment. “Pinkie?” she said while wiping the sweat from her forehead. “What’re you doing sittin’ out here in this heat?”
“Baking cuppins.”
Applejack moved into the shade next to Pinkie and sat down. “What's a cuppin?”
“It's a combination of a cupcake and a muffin, and it’s also apparently the greatest culinary concoction ever known.”
"A cupcake and a muffin? You can do that?”
“Uh huh! Want to try one?”
Applejack leaned forward, sniffed the tray, and drew back quickly. “Phew. They sure are pungent little fellers. What’s in them?”
Pinkie placed a hoof on her chin and twisted her lips in thought. “You know, I’m not sure. The description for them was pretty vague. They probably have normal cupcake and muffin stuff, and maybe even some type of super-secret ingredient.”
“I... guess that makes sense? Anyway, we're gonna see Twi so we can get this heat wave business sorted out. You’re more than welcome to come with us.”
“Is that where the plot is going now? Sounds like fun! I hope we get to go to a water park. Wink. Wink.”
Not listening, Pinkie.
“Wha? Plot?" Applejack eyed Pinkie. "How come you ain't sweatin'?”
“It’s because the heat wave is nothing more than a literary scenario. It’s not really hot if I don’t want it to be. That would be really uncomfortable with the sweating, and the—”
“Seriously, Pinkie. I think you need to get out of this heat and get a drink. No sweat when it’s this hot ain’t a good sign.”
Rainbow Dash walked out of Sugarcube Corner with three glass bottles in her mouth and set them between her friends. “As funny as it is hearing Applejack give somepony advice on dealing with this heat wave, she’s right. Drink up. Both of you.”
Applejack bit onto the bottle and twisted the top off. She drank the soda quickly until she had finished half of it and then gave a sigh of relief. “I normally don’t like this grape-flavored stuff, but I don’t care. It’s cold!”
“Yeah, I think we can make it the rest of the way. After we take a break, that is. I don’t want to have to carry you if you collapse again,” Rainbow Dash said while eyeing Applejack, then turned to Pinkie. “I hope you don’t mind that I took your sodas. I can pay you back later.”
Pinkie held her empty bottle above her head and let the last drop fall into her mouth. She licked her lips and turned to Rainbow Dash. “That’s okay. Sodas are on the house today.”
Rainbow Dash smiled and took a gulp from her soda. “So... what happened to your kitchen?”
“Oh, things exploded in it, um...” Pinkie tapped one hoof to the tip of the other as she quietly counted to herself. “Eight times!”
Rainbow Dash just nodded and continued to drink her soda.
“Hello, everypony,” the voice of Rarity called out.
Rarity walked towards Sugarcube Corner, followed by Fluttershy. They both wore wide brimmed hats and had paper fans floating in a field of blue magic next to their faces.
“Isn’t this heat dreadful? It’s doing terrible things to my mane. I’m actually starting to sweat! Can you believe it?” Rarity said.
“Looks like the gang's all here,” Pinkie said. “Well, except for Twilight, but we're going to go see her. I was wondering how the author would get us all together.”
“Author?” Rarity said while looking confused. “Who’s an author? Is somepony writing a story?”
“Ignore Pinkie Pie,” Applejack said. “She’s been sayin’ some strange things. I think the heat has gotten into her brain even worse than it did mine.”
Ignoring Pinkie Pie. Good advice that everypony should follow.
Pinkie stuck out her tongue in the direction she thought the author was in, which just made her look silly in front of her friends.
“Hey!”
Rarity walked up to Applejack with a worried expression and started fanning her friend’s face. “Applejack, dear, you look terrible! I would invite you back to my boutique for a makeover, but my AC is on the fritz, and it’s gotten a little muggy inside. I have a feeling I know what Sweetie and her friends did with those tools they had borrowed last month.”
“Thank you kindly,” Applejack said with her eyes closed, enjoying the light breeze the fan provided for a few moments. She opened her eyes and rose to her hooves. “I think we’ve rested enough. Let's walk and talk. The faster we get to Twilight's, the faster we can get this heat wave business sorted out.”
The ponies walked towards the Ponyville library. Along the way, Applejack explained her fears that the heat wave wasn’t natural, but Rarity only chuckled and insisted she was overreacting. Pinkie hopped along beside them, not really paying attention and instead focusing on the tray of mufcins—
Which is an awesome word despite what certain pink ponies say.
—in her mouth, which prevented her from saying anything to the contrary.
Pinkie looked up at where she thought the author was.
Fine. Just say it.
“C'pin!”
Continuing.
After Applejack had finished talking, Rainbow Dash turned to Rarity. “So, what are you two doing out here?”
“Well, today was supposed to be Fluttershy's and my spa day,” Rarity said. “Normally, I wouldn’t even think of being out in this heat, but with my AC not working and Fluttershy’s cottage full of, ugh... panting animals in desperate need of breath mints... anyway, we figured a mud bath may actually have been a good way to get cooled off. Unfortunately, the spa is closed due to all the water evaporating. Personally, I think Aloe and Lotus are just hogging all the mud for themselves.”
“I,” Fluttershy said, then paused and started again, quieter. “I don't think they would do that.”
“You're right, of course,” Rarity said, turning towards her friends. “Sorry, everypony. This heat is just making me cranky, is all.”
The group arrived at the giant tree that served as Ponyville's library and Twilight's home. They pushed open the door and saw Twilight, sprawled out on the floor, surrounded by books, with Spike frantically waving a sheet of paper at her.
Twilight lifted her head when she saw the others come in. Her head wavered slightly as her eyes passed over the group, never focusing on any one pony. “Girls... I have some terrible news,” she said slowly. “I have pored over all the research I could gather on this heat wave and have repeatedly come to the same conclusion: Princess Celestia has declared war on Equestria. Her first, last, and only action was to set the sun on a collision course with the planet. The only reason we're suffering a slow death instead of being burned away is due to Princess Luna constantly shouting the sun back. All hail the Royal Canterlot Voice.”
The others stared at Twilight in horror.
“Ignore her,” Spike said. “She's delusional. Before you came in, she was talking to the toaster.”
“Sir Toastly requires butter for his bread army,” Twilight said as she laid her head back down on a book.
“Wow, that was kind of scary,” Pinkie said. “For a moment, I thought we were going grimdark.”
Keep it up, Pinkie, maybe I will just for you.
“Stop being such a meanie mean pants!”
I'm not trying to be mean. You just won't stop breaking the fourth wall!
“I'm only trying to make this the bestest story ever.”
Again, this is a writing exercise, not a story.
“And I'm improving it!”
Pinkie's friends stared at her.
“Uh,” Applejack said, “you feelin’ okay, Pink?”
“Stop making my friends think I'm crazy!”
Everypony shuffled uncomfortably for a few seconds until a belch broke the silence. A wisp of green smoke drifted from Spike's mouth and swirled together until it formed a scroll.
“It's a letter back from Princess Celestia!” Spike said, waving the scroll.
“I hope it wasn't the general of the toaster army here who sent the original letter,” Rainbow Dash said while looking at Twilight.
“No, I took away her quills when she started trying to eat them. This letter is for me.” Spike cleared his throat and began to recite the letter. "Dear insert name here.”
Spike looked up from the letter. The ponies looked between each other, then back at Spike, who shrugged and continued reading.
“Wait, that is not right. Ah, we see now. The words beneath the line are not to be read, and instead a name is to be spoken in their place. Let us begin again. Dear Spike, we thank thee for bringing this matter to our attention. However, at this time we feel that... hold on... this is a rejection letter. That is not right at all. We wish to give aid, not refuse it. No, we think we shall compose our own words. We will... what is it called now? Fresh-styling? Ah, free-style. That makes more sense. We shall free-style our letter and... why is thine quill still writing? We know we asked thee to write our letter, but we did not mean literally to write everything we say. Thou only needed to— thou art still writing! Why dost thou back away? Thine fleeing betrays thine guilt! Is this some sort of prank? Thou darest to prank your Princess in her own chambers? Oh... wait... please stop crying. We, er... I did not mean to shout, it’s just... is this quill enchanted? While I can see the benefit for one so practiced as my sister, surely thou canst see why such a spell would not be practical for everypony. Yes, I think starting over would be a good idea. No, that would be a waste. This royal paper is expensive. Just turn it over and we shall begin a new letter. The quill is still writing. Dost thou know how to dispel it? Well, let us see if—”
Spike stopped reading, rolled his eyes, and flipped over the scroll.
“Dear Spike,
“Unfortunately, our sister is away, dealing with the situation in Cloudsdale, so we are answering her letters in her stead until her return. We thank thee for bringing this matter to our attention as weather abnormalities can have most serious consequences. We have performed a magical sweep of the area, and while we do notice an unusually high temperature in the Ponyville area, we do not sense any magic at work that is causing it. However, this does not mean all is well. For instance, the temperatures at the lake to the east of Ponyville are much higher than those within the town. We have a suspicion that something is amiss, and while we hope that we are wrong, caution is often the correct choice of action. We would request that thou gatherest Twilight Sparkle and her friends in order to investigate this matter further. We are sending thee the Elements of Harmony, should they prove necessary, though we hope they do not. Do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance should this problem be greater than we imagined.
Your beloved ruler,
Princess Luna”
Spike flipped over the scroll again and quickly scanned it. “I think that’s all of it.”
“Couldn’t Princess Luna just use her magic and make everything better?” Pinkie asked innocently while looking towards where she thought the author was.
“I’m sure she would, but she’s probably so busy running everything by herself. We really shouldn’t be a bother to her,” Fluttershy said. “After all, she did seem confident that we could take care of this ourselves.”
Everypony nodded in agreement with Fluttershy, except for Pinkie, who just sat on the floor with her forelegs crossed and a sour look on her face.
A sphere of bluish-silver light appeared in the room and glowed brightly. With a crackle of magical energy, the sphere burst and left behind a jeweled chest that descended to the floor. Rainbow Dash flew over to the chest and lifted the lid. “Aw yeah!” she said, pulling out a necklace with a ruby lightning bolt. “Elements of Harmony time!”
Rarity frowned at Rainbow Dash. “Do we really need the Elements of Harmony for this? I’d hate to think we’re beginning to rely on them too much.”
“Too much?” Rainbow Dash said after attaching her necklace. “I say we haven’t used them enough. We should have them on all the time. Anypony starts making trouble? Pow! Rainbow of harmony to the face.”
“Look, all I’m saying is that Nightmare Moon and Discord were credible threats. This is a heat wave! We shouldn’t go around solving all of life’s problems by blasting them with rainbows.”
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof into the air. “Let’s take a vote. All in favor of solving life’s problems by blasting them with rainbows, raise your hoof.”
Applejack raised her hoof. “If it’ll stop this heat wave faster, I say we do it.”
Twilight groaned as she rolled her head to the side and closed her eyes. “Rainbows are an optical phenomenon caused by the sun’s light shining through droplets of moisture in the atmosphere.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “That’s... not really right, but I’m going to count it as a vote for ‘yes’. How about you, Pinkie Pie? You want to blast away a heat wave with a rainbow, don’t you?”
Pinkie’s lips started to waver and curve up into a smile. Her right hoof rose, until she used her left to force it back down. “No! I won’t go along with this if the author is going to keep being a meanie.”
“Riiiight, um... Fluttershy?”
“Do we have to? I mean... it does seem a bit extreme.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “Three to three? Let’s see then... oh! Spike, what do you say? Vote ‘yes’ and I’ll give you a bucket full of gems.”
Spike’s hand shot up. “I’m sold on this idea!”
“Spike,” Rarity said, causing him to wince, “vote how you want. Not just because Rainbow is trying to bribe you.”
“Oh, okay, um...” A smile slowly spread across Spike’s face. He nonchalantly polished his claws against his chest. “Well, in that case, I think Rarity does have a point. So, I’ll have to vote for—“
“Just hold on a minute!” Rainbow Dash said, turning to Rarity. “Now who’s the one doing the bribing?”
Rarity placed a hoof across her chest. “I beg your pardon? I’m not bribing anypony.”
“Sure... I saw you making your pouty face thing. Well, two can play at this game. Spike? I up my offer to two buckets of gems.”
Spike rubbed his hand against his opposite arm and took a sudden interest in the books on the other side of the library. “That’s really nice, but—“
“Three buckets!” Rainbow Dash said. “And that’s my final offer.”
A line of drool escaped from the corner of Spike’s mouth. He quickly wiped it away. “Th-that is a lot of gems...”
“And just where are you going to get three buckets of gems?” Rarity asked.
“I don’t know! I’ll think of something. You know I’m good for it, Spike.”
“Alright, that's enough, you two,” Applejack said, stepping between the feuding ponies. “We're the ones who should be decidin' whether to use the Elements or not. No sense draggin’ Spike into your argument. 'Cept maybe if you’re planin' on havin’ him try somepony else’s Element like he did that one time with Rainbow’s.”
Rainbow Dash’s head whipped towards Spike. “He did what?”
“Wow, would you look at the time?” Spike said, inching away from the ponies. “I have so many chores left to get to, and it's already past noon. Let me know how things turn out.” He took off running up the stairs. Rainbow Dash ground her forehead into her hoof.
Rarity sighed. “Fine. I’ll go along with these shenanigans. But only if it turns out there is no other choice,” she said, then muttered to herself. “Using the most powerful magic in Equestria on a heat wave. What’s next? Stuck peanut butter jars?”
“Thanks, Rarity. Now that that’s decided,” Applejack said, “we best gear up and start hoofin’ it. We’ll have to be sure to take plenty of water with us.”
“Wait,” Twilight said while struggling to pull herself to her hooves. “I can get us there in a jiff. I've been researching a mass teleportation spell from this book. It was under ‘F’ for forbidden.”
Twilight levitated a book labeled “The One-hundred and One Most Dangerous Spells Ever Discovered”.
“Um, Twi?” Applejack said, followed by a gulp. “Are you sure that's such a good idea?”
“No,” Pinkie said, “it's a terrible idea. And the most overused plot device ever. But the author will use it anyway because he’s a really-bad, mean, stupid head who doesn’t listen to pink ponies.”
Look, Pinkie. Can we just let bygones be bygones? I'll admit you've certainly made this exercise... interesting, but writing against you is detracting from the tale. What say we put aside our differences and... just get the story to a conclusion?
Pinkie tapped her chin with her hoof. “Can I decide what’s causing the heat wave?”
But, I had— very well... against my better judgment, you can. So, do we have a truce?
“Weelll,” Pinkie playfully mused. “I don't knooow.”
Fine. They can be called cuppins.
“Yay! Truce accepted!”
Applejack frowned at Pinkie and shook her head. The sooner they solved this heat problem the better. “Okay, Twilight. It seems like a bad idea, but I trust you.”
The others nodded in nervous agreement. Twilight's horn glowed bright as she started casting the spell. Magenta light enveloped her and her friends as sparks began to shoot off her horn. The glow brightened until it became difficult to look directly at Twilight. “I hope everypony is ready,” she said with a strained voice. “Because here... we... go!”
A bright flash filled the room, followed by a noise that sounded like thunder and a sneeze. Spike poked his head down from the second floor, and, seeing the seven smoking spots where Twilight, the others, and the chest had been moments before, started down the stairs.
“Whew. Glad that's over,” he said, walking to the closet to get some cleaning supplies. “Hold on. I don’t get gems or Rarity’s approval this way!”
***
“Oh no!” Pinkie said. “We didn't die, did we?”
... Pinkie.
“Oh, right, duuuh. How could I be talking if I was de— uh oh. This is ruining the suspense isn't it?”
A little. Yeah.
“Whoopsie. I'll be quiet.”
***
There was a reason that a teleportation spell that transported a large number of living creatures at once had been forbidden. While the spell itself may not have been inherently sinister, it still had at least a million ways it could go wrong, with half of them being instantly fatal. The reason for this was simple: tired scholars who were half-mad had been the ones to come up with the spell in the first place. This was why Twilight Sparkle, tired and half-mad from heat exhaustion, succeeded. Mostly. The spell took her and her friends to the correct location, where they reappeared ten feet out from the lake’s shore and five feet up.
The water splashed as six ponies unceremoniously fell into the lake, with the exception of Pinkie, whose “shoulder ache, eye itch, sneeze” combo had alerted her with enough time for her to get into a perfect swan dive. The ponies swam to shore, where they coughed up water. Though they had a hard time showing it while coughing, the slightly cooler temperature of the lake had been a great relief to everypony, especially Twilight.
“What was I thinking?” Twilight said when she finished coughing. “That spell was incredibly dangerous! It's a miracle we even made it here in one piece. We could have just as easily landed on the sun, or exploded, or—”
“Wound up in a ‘Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale’ crossover!” Pinkie said.
Twilight stared at Pinkie. “I don't even know what that is, and it still could have been a possibility. We need to find out what's causing this heat, stop it, and then we're walking back home.”
“I wish we had walked here,” Rarity said while holding her hat, whose brim was now soggy and misshapen. “My hat is ruined!”
“It’s not so bad,” Fluttershy said. “I’m sure it will be fine when it dries off.”
Rarity shook her head. “I’m afraid not. This fabric was never meant to get wet. Whatever happened to your hat, though?”
Fluttershy placed a hoof on her head, looked up at her lack of a hat, then around her and out to the lake. “It, um... I don’t think my hat came with me.”
“Sorry, Fluttershy,” Twilight said. “I’ll try to find where I sent your hat later. Whew. Whatever is causing this heat has to be somewhere close by with how much hotter it is here.”
“Oh! Pinkie Sense activating!” Pinkie said while hopping around. “There’s a giant, invisible ball of fire above the lake.”
What? That’s... I...
“That can’t be right,” Twilight said. “Princess Luna would have been able to feel the magic.”
Pinkie stopped hopping and looked to where she thought the author was. “Nope. Pinkie Sense never lies.”
But, Pinkie—
“Never. Lies.”
“Her Pinkie Sense hasn’t failed us, yet,” Applejack said. Pinkie smiled and nodded.
“You’re right. It seems unlikely, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try a ‘revealing sight’ spell,” Twilight said, closing her eyes as her horn glowed. Her eyelids shone with magic that quickly faded. “Okay, let’s see what this thing abov-aaaahh! Oh, this is not good!”
Twilight stared into the sky with her eyes wide and mouth open. “Fire. Giant ball of fire.”
“You sure you aren’t looking at the sun?” Rainbow Dash asked as she followed Twilight’s gaze. “I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be staring directly at it.”
“Not the sun! It’s... it’s... I don’t even know what this is! You need to see it too,” Twilight said, then recast her spell. All of her friends’ eyes glowed, causing them to wince slightly.
“Ah, that tingles,” Rarity said as she wiped her eyes. “Now then, what is so... oh my. Rainbow Dash, I must apologize for doubting the need of the Elements of Harmony.”
For some reason that would probably never be adequately explained, high above the lake floated a giant ball of fire. Every so often, tendrils of flames rippled along its surface, causing the heat briefly to increase. The ponies stared up at it, slowly blinking.
Twilight shook her head quickly and forced herself to look away from fireball. “It looks like that... whatever it is, is the source of our troubles. I say we skip other methods and go right to using the Elements of Harmony.”
The others agreed and then looked around at each other and the lack of every Element of Harmony except for Rainbow Dash’s. “They’re in the lake, aren’t they?” Twilight sighed as her horn began to glow. A moment later, the jeweled chest floated out of the water and landed before her. “I really hope Princess Celestia doesn’t ask why they smell like fish when we return them.”
Twilight opened the chest and distributed the necklaces to their owners. She took out her tiara last and placed it on her head. With the Elements in place and beginning to glow, the group stood together and stared at the ball of fire.
“Okay,” Twilight said, “I don’t know what this thing is or where it came from, but this heat wave has to end!”
The power being built up in the Elements released itself. The ponies felt the charge of energy flowing through them as it lifted them gently into the air. The magic swirled and combined, forming into a giant rainbow, which then tore across the sky and impacted the giant ball of fire. There, it wrapped around the fireball, spinning into a rainbow tornado as the raw magical energies lashed out. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony remained calm within their own magical vortex: a peaceful eye of the storm where they floated with their eyes closed, letting the magic high above them do its purpose.
The power of the Elements of Harmony waned, lowering the ponies to the ground. The magic vanished, and the bearers panted in exhaustion. “D-did we do it?” Twilight asked. She looked up at the giant ball of fire that appeared the same as it was before.
“Oh, pony feathers,” Applejack said. “Why didn't it work?”
“Yeah, why didn’t it work?” Pinkie said while looking towards where she thought the author was.
It’s a ball of fire. Do the Elements of Harmony even work on things like that?
Pinkie shrugged.
“I guess you really can’t solve all of life’s problems by blasting them with rainbows,” Rarity said.
“Well,” Rainbow Dash said, “let's use the Elements to cast something else.”
“I don’t even know if the Elements can cast another spell,” Twilight said.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “How can you not know? Don’t you have a book about them?”
“Yeah, a general history book. It’s not like it was an instruction manual or anything.”
“Is it getting closer?” Fluttershy squeaked.
Sure enough, the ball of fire’s size appeared to be getting larger as it slowly descended through the sky.
Twilight's ears drooped. “I think we just made things worse. If anypony has an idea, now would be the time to suggest it.”
“Oh! I have an idea!” Pinkie said.
Everyone stared at Pinkie.
“I bet our necklaces have super-secret hidden powers. Mine can probably summon a giant robot!”
Everyone continued to stare at Pinkie.
“Sugarcube,” Applejack said, “not that it’s gonna matter much with a ball of fire about to land on us, but I think maybe we ought to get you into some shade.”
You know what? Let’s go with this.
Pinkie's necklace glowed in a pink light that soon enveloped her and continued to expand. The other ponies backed away as the sphere of light grew and grew until it was over two stories tall. The light faded away, revealing the shiny metal form of a bipedal mech, complete with party balloon cutie mark decals and a top mounted cupcake cannon.
“And it’s pink!” Pinkie yelled.
And it was pink. Pinkie giggled ecstatically from the cockpit. “Best. Day. Ever!”
Pinkie's friends could only stare in disbelief. “I really need to ask Princess Celestia about an instruction manual,” Twilight said.
“I want to fire the cannon!” Pinkie shouted as she slammed her hoof against a button with a picture of a cupcake on it.
The mech stomped its feet into the ground, bracing for firing. The cannon swiveled up towards the fireball and began emitting a low hum. Pinkie's smile grew wider as the targeting computer ran through its calculations before displaying “locked on” across the screen. The cannon fired, causing the mech to shake from recoil.
“Ten seconds until impact,” the targeting computer announced.
Pinkie watched the cupcake complete its trajectory and disappear within the flames.
“Impact detected,” the computer announced. “No structural damage detected.”
“What?” Pinkie said. “That’s impossible! Fire again!”
Again the cannon fired, and again the computer announced no damage.
“No! Why isn't it working? The cupcake cannon has never failed before! Fire all remaining cupcakes!”
The cannon fired repeatedly until the cupcake ammunition had been exhausted. The fireball showed no change as it continued its decent.
“This calls for desperate action. I load the cuppins into the cannon!”
Pinkie loaded the—
Wait, hold on, what? You still have those?
“You never said I put them down.”
Okay, fair enough, but if you had them all along, shouldn’t they have been ruined in the water?
“Oh, silly author. Cuppins are waterproof!”
Of course. I hope you know I’m going along with this only because I’m interested in seeing where you’re taking it.
Pinkie opened the cannon's loading bay that was inexplicably located inside the cockpit. She slid the tray of a dozen cuppins in place and closed the hatch. A green light came on, indicating full ammo.
“This fireball is trying to play hard... ball. I need to guarantee victory, and the only way to do that is to fire all the cuppins at once!”
Pinkie, I hate to stop again, but how do you plan on firing twelve cuppins at the same time from a cannon clearly designed to be single fire?
“I press the 'fire everything at once’ button!”
... O... kay... then.
Pinkie looked through all the buttons in the cockpit and noticed a conveniently placed “fire everything at once” button in front of her. She hit it with both front hooves. Alerts flashed across the screen, warning of the dangerous action she was attempting to do and asking for confirmation. She responded by smiling and pressing the button three more times. Klaxons blared and the mech vibrated violently. Pinkie's friends ran back to a safer distance. With a thunderous explosion, the cannon fired, its barrel splitting into strips.
The cuppins flew in a circular formation as they sped towards the fireball. Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. “Goodbye, cuppins. Equestria wasn't ready for you, yet.”
With the last of its energy failing, the mech glowed pink and faded away, leaving behind Pinkie, who floated to the ground.
The six friends watched as the cuppins traveled through the sky until they disappeared within the fireball. Twilight held her breath and braced herself for something, anything, to happen. After a few seconds, she resumed breathing and instead started biting her lower lip. She shook her head a few times, then looked towards Pinkie and tried to speak. Pinkie held up a hoof and made a shushing sound. She then grinned at Twilight and returned her gaze to the sky. Twilight stared at her friend and found herself beginning to smile as well. She looked around at the others, catching their eyes and seeing the smiles that were appearing on their faces too. The friends moved closer to Pinkie and joined her in staring down fireball; their eyes no longer held any fear. Whatever happened, they would face it head on, together.
Pinkie’s grin widened now that her friends were no longer acting like scaredy-cats. She knew best of all that the cuppins would succeed. For they contained the most powerful of secret ingredients: love.
It also helped that, due to Pinkie’s excessive tampering with the laws of baking, cuppins were one of the most explosive things in the world.
The sky turned red as the fireball blew up. The tendrils of fire writhed like dying snakes before dissipating. An incredible boom sounded as the shock wave reached the ponies. They covered their ears and laid down as the winds and heat ripped at them. Finally, once the noise stopped, the ponies got to their hooves, looked at each other, then celebrated.
“Pinkie, that was amazing!”
“You were wonderful, darling! Simply wonderful!”
“That was the most awesome thing ever! Well, maybe not quite as awesome as my sonic rainboom, but a close second!”
“Shoot, I reckon you just saved everypony in Ponyville!”
“Woohoo.”
I’m just glad it’s almost over.
Pinkie Pie smiled through the praise. Rainbow Dash flared her wings and felt the air. “I can feel it already starting to get cooler!”
“Well,” Twilight said, “I don't know about the rest of you, but now that the heat is fading, I'm ready to go home and relax. I'm sure Princess Luna is anxious to hear our report. I can't wait to tell her how Pinkie Pie single-hoofedly saved the day.”
“Aww,” Pinkie said, her smile growing as large as possible. “It wasn't only me. I couldn't have done anything without the Elements of Harmony, and that requires my bestest friends to be there with me.”
“Don’t be so modest,” Rarity said. “You’re a hero. Though, this does make me wonder what my Elemental is capable of.”
“Do you think we can all summon those giant whatsit things?” Applejack asked.
“I’m not sure,” Twilight said. “Once Princess Celestia is back, I’ll be sure to—”
“Pinkie Pie!” a voice boomed through the air.
A ball of golden light formed in front of the ponies and burst, leaving behind Princess Celestia. Twilight ran up to her.
“Princess Celestia! You’re not going... to... uh?” Twilight stopped talking when she saw the serious look on the Princess’s face.
Princess Celestia looked down at Twilight, then softened her expression and smiled. “Twilight, excuse me a moment. I need to speak with your friend.”
Pinkie gulped as Princess Celestia approached her. The world faded away to black, leaving only a circle of light around her and the Princess.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie. Have you been messing with the fourth wall again?”
“Well, I... you see... yes.” Pinkie hung her head. “I’m sorry, Princess Celestia.”
Princess Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. “And as for you.” Celestia looked at the author. “You know what happens when you encourage her.”
Encourage her? But I— but she... sorry, Princess Celestia.
“Once again, it falls on me to put things right. I’m sorry, Pinkie, but this time, I’m going to take the easy way out.” Princess Celestia put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Wake up.” She pushed Pinkie out of the circle of light.
Pinkie’s breath caught in her throat as she fell away from the fading light. The darkness swarmed in and clung to her limbs as she tumbled through the endless nothing. Something hit her back, finally freeing her voice.
“Ah! Get it off! I’m sorry!”
A squeak near Pinkie’s head caused her to open her eyes. She blinked in confusion at an upside-down scaly head with large purple eyes staring at her.
“Gummy?”
Gummy squeaked again and nipped Pinkie’s nose before turning around and climbing back into his basket. Pinkie looked around at her darkened bedroom and then at the sheets that were wrapped around her legs. She blushed a little as she untangled herself.
“That was one weird dream, Gummy. Something about trying to combine a cupcake and a muffin, then... all sorts of crazy things. Hmm... I can’t really remember them, though.” Pinkie bit onto her sheets and flipped them into the air, letting them fall slowly to cover her bed. She noticed her lamp and clock on the floor next to her. She picked up the clock and set it on her nightstand. It was still very early in the morning.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten all that leftover cake right before bed?” Gummy blinked at Pinkie, curled into a ball, and closed his eyes. “I had to. Otherwise, it would have gone stale, and that would be a waste. A proper hostess does not let party food go to waste... even if it does give her a tummy ache and weird dreams.”
Pinkie set her lamp on the nightstand and straightened out the lampshade. She sat on her bed, staring out her window at the night sky. “I wonder if it really is possible to make a cuppin?” With a yawn, she climbed under her covers and snuggled into her pillow. “I think that will have to wait until it’s light out, though. Good night, Gummy.”
